Lou Costello (3:03)

Yeah. Why didn't you complain to the conductor? I did. I said, conductor, there's an army dog in the upper birth and I can't understand it. And what did he say? He says. I can't understand it either. He paid for a lower. I know, never mind that. Look. No, he got a drawing room. All right, never mind. Look, what is that outfit you're wearing? Oh, I'm supposed to be a cowboy, Abbot. You do? How do you like my four gallon hat, Matt Costello? Don't you mean a ten gallon hat? Nope, four gallons. All I had was an eight ticket. Well, if you're supposed to be a cowboy, where are your chaps? What did you say? The chaps. The chaps. Where are the chaps? I don't know where the chaps are now, but brother, they ain't on. E wo jima dello. I didn't think it was possible for you to get so dumb. Oh, I can do anything if I set my mind to it. Yeah, I can imagine why, this morning I went back horse riding. Yeah. You went what? Horseback riding. How could you ride a horse? You're a tenderfoot. Tenderfoot? Bro, you got your geography all wrong. All right, all right. What kind of a horse did you ride? It's tender. Wait a minute, I understand that. Explain it to me. What kind of a horse did you ride? Did you have a mustang? No. I used to have a mustang Abbot, but I shaved it off. I made my girlfriend very jealous. What do you mean? It was bigger than hers? Hey, no, no, listen, you nitwit, I'm talking about a mustang, not a mustache. You ride on a mustang, but you, you can't ride on a mustache. Well, you could ride on mine. It had handlebar. Costello, I don't believe you can ride at all. Oh yes I can. You make your horse do a canter? No, but I made him do a Joseph. He got down on one knee and he sang Mammy. Yes, he did. Just a minute, Costello. Are you trying to tell me your horse sang Mammy? Well, he didn't sing it all the way through. He whistled the last horse. Look, Costello, that's impossible. How can a horse whistle? I put my fingers in his mouth and he whistled. No, he bit me. He bit you? Then I whistled. Yeah, then you whisk. Never mind that. Look, what do you feed your horse? Well, this morning I give him a bucket of whiskey. A bucket of whiskey? Yep. I, I, I felt very sorry for him, Adam. What do you mean? The man that rented him to me told me he's got to go back on the wagon tomorrow. You luck, you idiot. The man rented you a dray horse. He is not a dray horse. He's a brown horse with White stripe. No, no, no Castella, I'm not talking about the horses.

Bud Abbott (5:33)

Color.

Lou Costello (5:33)

He didn't have any color. He only wears the collar when he pulls the wagon. No, look, if, if he pulls a wagon he's a dray horse. He has to be a dray horse to pull a wagon. How do you like that? This guy wants to put all the other horses out of work. All the black horses, the white horses, all the brown horses. They will have no jobs at all. Nothing but dray horses pulling the wagon. Calm down Castell. I'm only trying to tell you that if he pulls a wagon he's a gray horse. A dray horse works on a gray. Abbott, this work horse works overtime. He pulls the wagon in the dray time and I ride him at night. I'm paying time and a half, lucky dummy. When I say he's a dray horse I don't mean he's a day horse, I mean he's a dray horse. Now a dray horse can work in the day or at night and still be a dray horse. He can work at night on the drain. Oh, when you say he's a dray horse you don't mean it's a dray horse, you mean it's a dray horse. And a dray horse can still be a gray horse when he works night or dray. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Well Costello, what page are you on? Abit number four. So am I. So am I. I'll find out what you know about horses in just a minute. Do you prefer an eastern saddle or a western saddle? Well, I don't know where it comes from, but I like it. I drink a big glass of saddle every morning. Yeah you dummy. What kind of saddle can you put in A glass saddle of panic. You'll never be a cowboy. Why, you haven't even got a lasso. A what? I said lasso. A lasso is a rope or a coil. Oh, I got very pretty coils. My mother coils my coil every morning. Run on my fortune. I got a spit coil. No, no, no Costello. The coil I mean is a line that hangs on the saddle. The cowboys use it to catch horses and cows. They catch horses and cows? Sure. They catch horses and horses on a line? Certainly. What do they use for bait? Hey Costello, look, let's, let's forget the whole thing. Now while you're here in Arizona, why don't you take advantage of the Beauties of the desert. I tried that this morning Abbott, and one of them slapped me right in the puss. I'm not talking about girls, I mean the beauties of nature. You, you should go see the Grand Canyon. That Grand Canyon is a fake. What do you mean the Grand Canyon is a fake? I went out there to look at it yesterday. There's nothing there but a big hole. They must have moved to someplace else. Castell, I didn't see nothing. That hole is the canyon and I am going to visit the Grand Canyon tomorrow. I am going right up to the edge of the canyon. You're going right up to the edge? Edge of the canyon, that's me. Abbott, be careful you don't fall off. But if you do fall, be sure and look to the left. Why, you'll never see a sight like that again. Brother Costello, isn't it wonderful to be playing to this fine bunch of clean living boys? What did you say they were? They're clean living boys. Clean living boys. Yeah, well a guy can get very dirty on $50 a month. He. Look. Well look, wasn't your cousin Private Hugo Costella station at this base? Yeah, but they threw him out. He kicked an MP in the shin. You can't go around kicking mps in the shins. You can't kick them any place, they're particular. Look, will you talk sense Costello? Did you meet any Indians on the desert? Oh sure, you know me, I'm an old Indian fighter. Fighter? Yes. Well why aren't you fighting? I can't find any old Indians.

Bud Abbott (9:17)

Oh, young me Indian, me Del Moccasin me Sitting Bull.

Lou Costello (9:23)

If you're a Sitting Bull, why are you standing up? Me on vacation, Mr. Bull? I'll take a pair of those moccasins for Costello.

Bud Abbott (9:33)

Ah, good, yeah.

Lou Costello (9:34)

Wait a minute, wait a minute. These moccasins chime I'm only an Indian. Hey Abbott, Ryan, you know what? My uncle Ari Stebbins married an Indian girl but he had to divorce her. Why? She used to walk her asleep and she took the blanket with her Godzilla. I understand you're thinking of building a house out here on the desert. Yes, I was talking to an artichoke about the house this morning. I think you mean architect. An artichoke is an expensive delicacy. Well there's nothing cheap about this crumb. Look, before you start building a house, I think you should see a model home. Okay, get me a model, I'll see your home. No, no, no, no, no, don't talk silly Costello. Now I've taken the Liberty of drawing up some plans for your house. And here they are. Now you'll notice I have placed your room here, the kitchen here and the maid's room here. Like that at it? Why, I'll have to go through the kitchen to get to the maid's room. Never mind that. Have you made arrangements to get the money to build your house? Oh, sure. I'm getting the money from the. We trust you. But if you cheat us, you won't have any luck. Friendly Credit Finance Company. What security did you have to give to get the loan? Oh, nothing. I just gave them my word and my mother has to go and live with them. Oh, come in. Oh, good evening, gentlemen. I am from the Friendly Credit Finance Company. My name is O. Tommy O. I think before I spoke to your brother Mohawk. Of course. I think so too. Now, Mr. Castelli, our company makes a practice of examining all applicants for loans. A mere formality if I'm not too inquisitive. We have absolute faith and confidence in your honesty. See that Abbott? They trust me. Now, Mr. Costello, please mister, kindly impress your fingerprints on this pad. I'll check with Washington later, after we take a sample of your blood. You're going to take my blood? Or just a couple of quar. We'll return it after the loan is paid up. Now, do you having any birth marks? No, but I got my girl's face tattooed on my chest. Are there any birth marks that. Well, there's a mole there, but I don't know if it belongs on her chin or my chest. Well, this is very enlightening. Will you give me that again please? I say, what you're saying to me is very enlightening. What do you talk with lumps? Thank you. Now tell me this. What does the face looking like? Well, she's got dark curly hair and every time I take a deep breath, she smiles. I see. Now, Mr. Costello, have you any marks of indented nication on your body? Like scars, wounds or bruises, noses? Well, if you happen to miss any of your payments, we'll attend to that. Hey, Adam, what did he mean by that last crack?

Bud Abbott (13:03)

Oh, nothing, Costell.

Lou Costello (13:04)

That's merely a matter of form. That's what I'm worried about, my form. I want to keep it the way it is. Now, Mr. Castellia, in going over your plans, we find that your building is costing too many monies. We'll have to cut down. Cut down? All I want is a living room, a federal, a dining room, kitchen and a maid's room and a garage. I see. Well, in the first place, you don't need any dining room. Oh, now wait a minute, just a minute. If you take away the dining room, where.

Bud Abbott (13:30)

Where in the world is the man going to eat?

Lou Costello (13:32)

Well, the way this thing is going, I don't think I'm going to have an appetite. Exactly. You cannot expect to eat and make payments too. Okay, the dining room is out. Gee, but that was a pretty room. Such beautiful wallpaper. Yes. Now then, if you are not going to eat, you will not need a kitchen. And without the kitten, you won't need any maid's room. Is it? I'm gonna miss that maid. Yes, the maid. That's very refreshing. Will you cut it out with that? Now read straight. Eat me. I'm sorry, that's the way I talk in hes. Let us get back to the house, please. Right here, that's the bedroom. Well, you can cut that out too. I'll be so worried about the payments I won't be able to sleep. Absolutely. Oh, say, incidental, what is this thing here? Oh, that's the living room. Well, now, what do you want with a living room? You have no bedroom, no kitchen and no dining room. Are you calling that living? All right, so we'll cut out the living room. Now, what have I got left? Well, you've got a lovely piece of ground there, Mr. Costello. Good. I can park there and live in my car. Oh, no, I'm afraid you couldn't do that, Mr. Costello. And why not? We take your car today for the down payment. Toothaloo. Hey, Abbott, you know, I really outsmarted that guy. How did you outsmart him? I gave him a $500 deposits and I ain't going to show up with the balance. Well, Costello, how do you like this bunch of airmen here at Davis Month and Air Base? Abbott there, one of them. So polite. I walked all through the camp with Connie Hansen. That one guy whistling. I don't believe that. Well, you can ask Colonel Northstein. He was with us. Oh, I thought so. And another thing, Abbott, these guys don't pay no attention to the 12 o' clock curfew. They break it all the time. They do? Yeah. Curfew or no curfew, they go to bed at 10 o'. Clock.

Bud Abbott (15:46)

Right.

Lou Costello (15:49)

Found that out too, eh? Yeah. And I also found out why they called those guys private. You did? Yep. I was out with a five of them last night. There wasn't a buck between them. No. You're certainly learning a lot about the army. Tell me, do you know what the highest rank Is? Yeah. Private First Class. PFC is not the highest rank. Well, it's as high as you can go and still have friends. The docks and Costella. By the way, didn't your girlfriend Ruby po you join some branch of the service? Yeah, but Ruby is a sailor. I think you mean she's a wing. No, Ruby's a sailor. She's on a boat. Castella, that's impossible. They don't allow women on those boats. Suppose somebody should find out. Who's going to tell I. Castella, you're a dope. I'm a dope? Yes. Why don't your wife go in the army? What would my wife do in the army? She could teach the commandos to fight dirty. Never mind that. Who was that girl I saw you with in Phoenix yesterday? That was Jessie Tinfoil, telephone operator at the hotel. I had a date with her. Tessie Tinfoil? That dizzy blonde? She. She is an all bear. There's enough of her there to have a date. Where did you take her? Where did I take her? I took her over here to. To the Davis Month Air Base. And two rear gunners took a shot at Tessie. How did that happen? Well, she's got so many circles under her eyes, they thought she was a target. Pardon me, sir.

Bud Abbott (17:27)

May I use your microphone to send a PR. And that's it.

Lou Costello (17:30)

Go right ahead, Lieutenant. Go ahead.

Bud Abbott (17:31)

Calling Mrs. Wilbur Fuzz. Mrs. Fuzz. Your husband, Private Fuzz, sped a very restful night. He slept like a b. That is all.

Lou Costello (17:38)

Hey, who is Private first?

Bud Abbott (17:39)

He's our N century.

Lou Costello (17:43)

You know, we was doing good up till then. Yeah, Bun. Hey, never mind him. Costella, how do you like this air base? All kidding aside, I think it's okay. Really. Wonderful. But One of the GIs told me it would be much better if they cut out all that working and drilling between meals. Costella, suppose they should accept you in this outfit. Which front would you like to do your fighting on? Fl. But there's no fighting in Florida. You're telling me. It wouldn't hurt you to go into training. You'd lose a lot of weight on your basic. I bet my stomach would get thinner too. Yeah. I know one thing, Abbott. I'd like the Air Force. You would? I can just close my eyes and I could picture my first day in camp. Cut off that noise.

Bud Abbott (18:45)

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, Private Costello. I didn't realize.

Lou Costello (18:49)

Oh, so it's you, eh, Sergeant?

Bud Abbott (18:51)

Yes. I know it's kind of early, but if you don't mind, the. The Colonel wants to Know if you could have a word with you or the Colonel?

Lou Costello (18:58)

That colonel? I got other things to do. Okay, send a colonel in.

Bud Abbott (19:08)

Private Carlo at East Colonel.

Lou Costello (19:13)

I want you to report to hanger number one.

Bud Abbott (19:16)

We need a man to change an engine.

Lou Costello (19:19)

Hey, you giving orders to me? Of course. Don't forget I'm a colonel. How much money do you make?

Bud Abbott (19:26)

$500 a month.

Lou Costello (19:27)

Well look kid, you got a good job now don't louse it up. Private Costello.

Bud Abbott (19:34)

Private, I think the Colonel is mad at you. Now I'll tell you what let's do. You carry this bomb site over to headquarters so I can tell him you worked hard today. Maybe he'll forgive you.

Lou Costello (19:44)

You want me to carry the bombs? I think. Okay sergeant, give me the bomb site.

Bud Abbott (19:47)

Now be careful with the private, cuz. Delaware cost $10,000.

Lou Costello (19:57)

Oops, I dropped it. Oh, butterfingers. Watch your language sergeant. I don't like it. Now there may be an NP in the joint. Oh now Private, shame on you. I'm quiet surprised that you. I'm. Shut up. Talk to me in a civilian song.

Bud Abbott (20:20)

I'm sorry but. But this may cost you your chance for promotion. Private Costello. You may never get to be a corporal.

Lou Costello (20:27)

I don't want the job anyway, too much responsibility. Besides, my cousin Yuko, he started in the army as a corporal.

Bud Abbott (20:35)

Oh that's impossible. How could he start as a corporal?

Lou Costello (20:38)

Well Hugo was born with two stripes on them. Now blow out of here Sergeant. Get out, I'm busy. Go on scout.

Colonel's Daughter (20:44)

Good morning, Private Costello.

Lou Costello (20:45)

I said get out. Hello. Come in. Morning. And who are you?

Colonel's Daughter (20:52)

I'm the Colonel's daughter.

Lou Costello (20:54)

What a spot for a traveling salesman. Well, I'm pleased to meet you. How's your old man?

Colonel's Daughter (21:00)

Why he's just fine. He was so excited when he found out you all was assigned here. He just loved comical fellas.

Lou Costello (21:08)

Well, I'm glad to hear the Colonel likes and you're a pretty sweet kid yourself. Tell your own man I'll put in a good word from him with a draft board. I just got an offer from the Navy, you know. I'll take him along with me.

Colonel's Daughter (21:20)

Private G. And daddy says to tell you that if you all live through the basic training he's going to see to it personally that you all get right into the thick of the fighting right away.

Lou Costello (21:30)

Ah kid, he don't have to do that. You, I mean. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Where do you think he'll send me?

Colonel's Daughter (21:38)

I don't know exactly, but he did mention Tokyo.

Lou Costello (21:41)

Tokyo? Are you kidding? I'm liable to get hurt over there. They're double crosses. They're using real bullets.

Colonel's Daughter (21:54)

Oh, you don't have to worry, Private Costello. Daddy says a minute you land in Japan he's going to declare you an open city.

Lou Costello (22:05)

Oh, thanks, honey child. Thanks. You know. I know. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Listen, them chaps don't live up to no rules of war. They don't recognize no open city. I'm liable to beat bombs.

Colonel's Daughter (22:17)

That's what Daddy thinks too. Goodbye.

Lou Costello (22:23)

Hey, you.

Bud Abbott (22:24)

Hey, aren't you Private Costello?

Lou Costello (22:26)

Yeah, that's me.

Bud Abbott (22:27)

Well, I'm an MP. And you haven't reported for duty in 15 days.

Lou Costello (22:32)

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

Bud Abbott (22:34)

Nothing. We just missed you, that's all.

Lou Costello (22:44)

All right, come on.

Bud Abbott (22:46)

Come on, Costello, Wake up.

Lou Costello (22:47)

Wake up. What's the matter, rabbit? Stellar. Costello, come here. What?

Bud Abbott (22:53)

Your blood test just came back.

Lou Costello (22:55)

You've been turned down again. By the Air Force?

Bud Abbott (22:58)

No, by the Red Cross. They sent your blood back with this note. Here, go ahead and read it.

Lou Costello (23:05)

Okay. Here. Mr. Costello, we are returning your blood. We need plasma, not asthma. Get me out of here tonight. Good night.

Bud Abbott (23:22)

And that was the Abbott and Costello show for March 22, 1945. Starring who else? Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. I'm Stan Freeberg.

Lou Costello (24:36)

SA.