Abe Burrows Show - 47-09-06 Abe Talks About Being Bald

Summary

Podcast Episode Summary

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Abe Burrows Show – “Abe Talks About Being Bald” (Originally aired 47-09-06)
Release Date: December 3, 2025
Host: Abe Burroughs (original broadcast)
Theme: A witty, music-filled journey through self-deprecating humor, parody songs, and satirical takes on radio, hair loss, fashion, and pop culture of the late 1940s.

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Episode Overview

In this lighthearted and sharply comedic episode, Abe Burroughs delivers a blend of self-mockery and playful musical parodies, muses on his baldness, lampoons fashion and advertising, and pokes fun at radio conventions. With a mixture of original comic songs and banter, the episode gives a delicious taste of mid-century radio humor and rapid-fire wit.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

1. Abe’s Introduction and Self-Deprecating Humor

• [00:10–01:46]

  • Abe opens with a comedic CV, claiming authorship of goofy-sounding ballads like “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows Because I Never Seem to Meet Any Girls.”
  • He addresses frequent listener questions about what he looks like, jokingly refusing to describe himself:
    • "I guess I could tell you exactly what I look like. But I think that’s a lousy thing to say about a guy." (Abe, 00:32)
  • Admits he’s bald and doesn’t have a mustache:
    • "No mustache, no hair. It’s a set." (Abe, 00:55)

• Original Joke: Abe claims he enjoys being bald and pitches a mock product:

  • "It’s a revolutionary new tonic called Sta. Bald. Prevents the growth of unsightly hair. On the head." (Abe, 01:19)
  • Visually, he jokes his haircut makes him look “like a man who has spent several hours in a pencil sharpener.” (Abe, 01:35)

2. Comic ‘Apologetic’ Love Song

• [01:53–03:18]
  • Abe introduces and performs a melodramatic (and intentionally ridiculous) love song, parodying the “I’m sorry” genre:
    • "I didn’t mean it when I slugged you, darling. I didn’t mean to hit you with that chair." (Abe, 02:28)
    • "If I broke your head last night, it’s just because I love you most." (Abe, 03:05)
  • After the song, Abe quips: “That number ought to be called and the band Dade played on.” (Abe, 03:18)

3. Songwriting Ideas & Fashion Satire

• [03:26–05:44]
  • Briefly riffs on a musical idea inspired by President Truman’s trip to Rio:
    • "While the rumba band played Mama Yo Quiero, we danced the Missouri Waltz." (Abe, 03:45)
  • Lampoons women’s fashion trends and magazine advertising, mocking poetic ad copy:
    • "All those magazines that are filled with spinach but a modern tomato." (Abe, 04:41)
    • "We took some twinkling stardust from the skies… and blended them together to make these lovely Miss America galoshes." (Abe, 04:57)
  • Jokes about the era’s obsession with new shapes and corsets:
    • “It’s easy to have a wasp-like waist. Just get yourself one of these heavenly new tiny corsets made of shimmering stainless steel. This corset will give you that lovely wasp waist forever. Because it’s welded on.” (Abe, 05:25–05:35)

4. South American Song Parody: “Bela Lugo Si”

• [05:51–07:36]
  • Performs a musical parody blending Latin American clichés and movie monster references (Bela Lugosi):
    • "You called me Tico, and I called you Chico, although you had a mustache like Groucho." (Abe, 07:00)
  • The refrain: “Bela Lugo, Si in the Argentine means let me hold you in my arms and bold you. Stop the siesta, time for fiesta.” (Abe, 07:18–07:22)

5. Gypsy Dance Interlude & Musical Performance

• [07:39–10:00]
  • Announcer introduces “the wild, carefree rhythms of the gypsy dance” with Horus Dicata, played by Milton Delug’s Romany Quartet.
  • After the music, Abe deadpans:
    • “I was right. I was right. I was right. It can’t be played on the accordion.” (Abe, 09:55)
  • Compliments the band: “That was quite splendid, Milt. I’d call it extremely good. Some people might even call it Horus de Gana.” (Abe, 10:00)

6. Sea Song & Tunnel of Love Gag

• [10:00–12:54]
  • Abe lampoons sea ballads and chanteys, with surreal imagery and goofy sound effects.
  • Jokes about having only sailed “52 times through the Tunnel of Love. 40 of those trips were without a girl.” (Abe, 10:31)
  • The sea song, joined by the announcer, is filled with purposely bungled nautical jargon and cheerful absurdity:
    • "Anchors away in the morn." (Announcer, 11:06)
    • "Oh, there’s nothing, nothing, nothing like the sailor’s life. The sailor’s life is grand. Oh, I’d never give up the sea unless you offered me a job on land." (Announcer, 11:57–12:11)

7. Show Announcements & Close

• [12:55–13:27]
  • Abe announces a guest spot with Henry Morgan and invites New Yorkers to attend next week’s live broadcast:
    • “If any of you people who live there or nearby would like to come see the show, we’d love to have you – just write to the A Burrow Show…care of CBS New York City. Hope you can come. If you don’t, I’ll be hurt.” (Abe, 12:56–13:19)
  • Playful close with:
    • "So the rest of you people in the radio audience – we’ll be calling on you next week, same time, same station, with some new type things. See you then." (Abe, 13:22–13:27)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On baldness:

  • "No mustache, no hair. It’s a set." (Abe, 00:55)
  • "I kind of give the impression of a man who has spent several hours in a pencil sharpener." (Abe, 01:35)

• On advertising:

  • "We took some twinkling stardust from the skies... and blended them all together to make these lovely Miss America galoshes." (Abe, 04:57)

• On fashion:

  • "It’s easy to have a wasp-like waist. Just get yourself one of these heavenly new tiny corsets made of shimmering stainless steel." (Abe, 05:25–05:27)
  • "This corset will give you that lovely wasp waist forever. Because it’s welded on." (Abe, 05:35)

• On sea travel:

  • "My actual sailing experience has consisted of sailing 52 times through the Tunnel of Love. But to prove I really love sailing, 40 of those trips were without a girl." (Abe, 10:31)

• On radio performance and the audience:

  • “Hope you can come. If you don’t, I’ll be hurt.” (Abe, 13:19)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Abe’s baldness & self-description: 00:25–01:46
• “Apology” love song parody: 01:53–03:18
• Fashion magazine jokes & ad poetry: 04:24–05:44
• Latin/South American parody song (“Bela Lugo Si”): 05:51–07:36
• Gypsy dance/accordion performance: 07:39–10:00
• Sea chantey segment: 10:00–12:54
• Audience invitation & upcoming guest spot: 12:55–13:19

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Final Thoughts

Abe Burroughs’ episode masterfully showcases his gentle, sarcastic take on everything from baldness to feminine fashion and sappy love songs. His delivery is brisk, dry-witted, and tinged with just the right amount of absurdity, making this a prime example of “Golden Age” radio comedy at its finest. Rich with jokes that still land, the episode offers a fast-paced, engaging snapshot of a comedic era when the radio was the stage for America’s best entertainers.

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Perfect For:
Fans of vintage radio comedy, lovers of rapid-fire wit, anyone interested in postwar American pop culture, or listeners looking for a fun, clever escape.

Transcript

[Abe Burroughs]

Here's the A. Burroughs show. Recorded from an earlier Columbia Network release. The Columbia Broadcasting System and its affiliated stations. Presents Abe Burroughs.

Hello, I'm Burrows, like he said. Abe Burroughs. Creators of songs like Mother used to write.

And author of that lovely new ballad. I'm Always Chasing Rainbows. Because I never seem to meet any girls.

You know, I'm still new in radio. And because of that. The listeners still write and ask what I look like. I've described myself briefly from time to time. But it doesn't seem to be satisfactory. I guess I could tell you exactly what I look like. But I think that's a lousy thing to say about a guy.

I really don't know quite how to. I mean. Well, one thing I can tell you. I don't have a mustache. And in addition, I don't have much hair either.

[Announcer]

See?

[Abe Burroughs]

No mustache, no hair. It's a set.

I kind of enjoy. I really kind of like not being bothered with hair. A lot of thick stuff up there. In fact, someday I may put on the market a preparation I'm working on. It's a revolutionary new tonic called Sta. Bald.

[Announcer]

Staebal.

[Abe Burroughs]

Prevents the growth of unsightly hair. On the head.

Of course. Of course. I've got some hair on the sides and back of the head. I keep that part crew cut. It's rather neat, too. You know, with the crew cut sides and the blank top. I kind of give the impression of a man who has spent several hours in a pencil sharpener.

Well, enough about that. After all, looks aren't everything. And in my case, they're not anything.

I know you're all anxious to hear me sing. Well, I know I am. I've got a new number here. An apologetic type love song. You know, the sort of thing where the fella is sorry for what he did. And realizes he shouldn't ought to have did it like this.

There is teardrops in your two blue eyes and teardrops on your face I see.

[Announcer]

Tell me, darling, while I dry you off a little Is all of this dampness for.

Stop your tears inside?

[Abe Burroughs]

I want to apologize.

I didn't mean it When I slugged you, darling I didn't mean to hit you with that chair.

[Announcer]

I didn't want.

[Abe Burroughs]

To push you through that window. I didn't want to pull out all your hair.

I didn't mean to smack you with that grapefruit I didn't mean to let that hammer fall.

So if I broke your head last night it's.

[Announcer]

Just because I love you most.

[Abe Burroughs]

That number Ought to be called and the band Dade played on.

I got some cute new ideas for songs this week. One of them is a South American type thing. It's based on President Truman's trip to Rio. It's called While the Rumba band played Mama Yo Quiero, we danced the Missouri Waltz.

Then I have a topic. They'll type things about fashion. This is kind of cute. I call it now that lawn scrapes are back again. I can see that her eyes are blue.

I probably won't finish that one.

Frankly, I don't think the new feminine styles are anything to sing about anyway. They sound so. Well, I mean those long skirts, padded hips, corsets, all other kinds of padding. See, from now on every girl will be a blind date.

[Announcer]

Girls, be strong.

[Abe Burroughs]

Of course I understand how hard it is to resist the new fashions. The way those high powered fashion magazines are pushing them. You know, Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, Mademoiselle Charm, Glamour, schmammer. All those magazines that are filled with spinach but a modern tomato.

I read them all personally. That's cause I'm a sucker for those poetic ads. I love them. You know the kind of ad that reads. We took some twinkling stardust from the skies. Some romantic magic from fairyland. And some of the glowing fire of love's own dreams.

[Announcer]

And blended them all together to make.

[Abe Burroughs]

These lovely Miss America galoshes.

[Announcer]

And that's pretty potent stuff up.

[Abe Burroughs]

When you use the same technique on the new fashions, you girls are dead. I read one piece that was absolutely irresistible. It started off with don't be a last year girl. Get yourself a new shape. It's easy to have a wasp like waist.

[Announcer]

Just get yourself one of these heavenly.

[Abe Burroughs]

New tiny corsets made of shimmering stainless steel.

This corset will give you that lovely wasp waist forever. Because it's welded on.

Well, unfortunately I'm not a fashion expert. I'm a singer, unfortunately.

Got another song here now. And girls to prove that styles are no styles. I'm Loyal. It's another love song. This is sort of a North American version of a South American type song. Cole Quarter used to write a lot of this sort of thing. You know what I mean? Get this.

[Announcer]

You stood neath the moon on a blue lagoon. And overhead the stars they were swaying.

You smell so sweet in the tropical heat.

Over and over my heart kept saying. Belalugosi the Argentine meat I love you, Meet skies above you. Bela Lugosi, Belalo Golsi in the Argentines. That magic phrase puts me in a daze Belalo Gold.

[Abe Burroughs]

Si.

[Announcer]

You are my beloved senorita. I was your handsome gaucho. You called me Tico and I called you Chico. Although you had a mustache like Groucho. Bela Lugo. Si, in the Argentine means Let me hold you my arms and bold you. Stop the siesta Time for fiesta.

[Abe Burroughs]

Don't deride me, Just groom and bribe me.

[Announcer]

Bela, Bela.

[Abe Burroughs]

Lugo.

[Announcer]

Lugo. Lugosi.

[Abe Burroughs]

Haramba. What a song.

[Announcer]

And now we turn from the exotic beats of the roomba. To the wild, carefree rhythms of the gypsy dance. We had a special arrangement of Horus Dicata. Played by Milton Delug in his Romany Quartet.

[Abe Burroughs]

Incidentally, in this Milton plays the lead in the accordion. Frankly, I don't believe a thing like Horus Staccata can be played on the accordion. But we'll see. It's sa.

Sam.

I was right. I was right. I was right. It can't be played on the accordion.

[Announcer]

Milk.

[Abe Burroughs]

That was quite splendid, Milt. I'd call it extremely good. Some people might even call it Horus de Gana. I have another type song here which is rarely heard these days. It's a song of the sea. What you'd call a sea type chanting. I love songs of the sea. I guess that's because I love the sea. Ah, there's nothing like it. The salt air in your nostrils. The moon over the port bow. The flapping of sails in the breeze. The scream of the gulls over heads.

[Announcer]

The trade winds in your hair.

[Abe Burroughs]

I gotta try that sometime.

You see, my actual sailing experience has consisted of sailing 52 times through the Tunnel of Love. But to prove I really love sailing, 40 of those trips through the Tunnel of Love were without a girl.

Anyway, here's my sea chanting.

[Announcer]

Our ship is leaving Portsmouth Town.

[Abe Burroughs]

Her name's the good ship Nancy Brown.

[Announcer]

Singing yo ho Jib the boom Boop the deck Rattle the hat Main the sail Dippedy doo Anchors away in the morn.

Oh, we'll be sailing with the ties we said farewell to our girls and brighting yo ho Rig the ratch Hoist the hitch Tote the barge Howard the ewes Fiddle dee dee Open the door There she blows in the morning.

And soon we'll be out on the ocean foam so let's heave ho with a will and come jolly pars let's sing while we can but soon we'll all be deathly ill.

Sing yo ho Sing yo hi Sing Hee hee Yo ho ho hi he he ho hi.

For there's nothing like the life of a sailor Sailing on the briny foam With a good stout ship beneath your feet and a good stout wife at home.

Oh, there's nothing, nothing, nothing like the sailor's life the sailor's life is grand oh, I'd never give up the sea Unless you offered me a job on land.

Nah.

[Abe Burroughs]

I made it.

[Announcer]

Oh, it's three jolly cheers for the sea and a fun farewell to dry land so up with the anchor and we won't set it down Till we reach Catalina Wy land Singing yo hoe Hit the deck Follow the pleat CBS Scuttle the butt Float the bleep Pepper the mince on the pipe we're sailing the way on the sea.

[Abe Burroughs]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Announcer]

Got a few.

[Abe Burroughs]

Got a few small announcements here. This coming week, I'm going to New York City. Where I'm going to guest with the fabulous Henry Morgan on his first show of the season. Hope you can catch it. And next Saturday night, my regular broadcast will also take place in New York City. So if any of you people who live there or nearby would like to come see the show, we'd love to have you just write to the A Burrow Show. That's spelled S H O W. The A Burrow show, care of CBS New York City. Hope you can come. If you don't, I'll be hurt.

[Announcer]

So the rest of you people in.

[Abe Burroughs]

Radio audience will be calling on you next week, same time, same station, with some new type things. See you then.

[Announcer]

Good night, Mr. CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

[Abe Burroughs]

The A. Burroughs show was recorded earlier and came to you from Columbia Square. This is KNX in Los Angeles.