Absolute Power (2000-01-05) Conservative Party

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Absolute Power (2000-01-05) Conservative Party"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harolds Old Time Radio
• Description: Dive into the Golden Age of Radio with classic shows like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, and Dragnet. Experience the era before television, where families gathered around the radio to enjoy captivating stories and humor.
• Episode: Absolute Power (2000-01-05) Conservative Party
• Release Date: April 24, 2025

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Episode Overview

In the "Absolute Power" episode, listeners are treated to a satirical portrayal of a media relations agency struggling to revitalize the Conservative Party's public image. The episode cleverly intertwines humor with political commentary, showcasing the disarray within the agency Prentice McCabe as they attempt to navigate the challenges posed by their high-profile client—the Conservative Party.

Key Characters:

• Mr. Prentice: A diligent yet overwhelmed character representing the client liaison.
• Martin McCabe: Co-owner of Prentice McCabe, embodying the agency's ambitious but often misguided strategies.
• Charles: The pragmatic yet cynical partner at Prentice McCabe.
• Sir Archibald Sullivan: The dedicated but underpaid trainee struggling with office dynamics.
• Madam Speaker: A representative voicing governmental concerns.
• Sandy: The office staff trying to mediate between the chaotic agents and trainees.

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Detailed Summary

1. Introduction and Setup (01:00 - 03:00)

The episode opens with Mr. Prentice confronting Martin McCabe about the challenges of navigating the private sector after McCabe's termination from the BBC.

• Mr. Prentice: "Mr. Prentice, life in the private sector is tough." [01:17]
• Martin McCabe responds defensively, hinting at his agency's unique contribution to the "wealth-creating sector."

The dialogue sets the stage for the agency's desperation to secure and satisfy high-profile clients amidst internal chaos.

2. The Conservative Party's Dilemma (03:00 - 07:00)

The Conservative Party's Chairman arrives at the agency seeking a media relations strategy to address the party's declining recognition and electoral prospects.

• Chairman of the Conservative Party: "Honestly. I've come to talk to you about my party's recognition problem." [03:55]

• Martin McCabe attempts to downplay the issue but quickly shifts to strategizing, suggesting over-the-top ideas like associating the party with "fruitcake."

• Martin McCabe: "A happy fruitcake." [07:34]

• Charles: "Positively poignant. What exactly are you looking for?" [05:05]

This segment highlights the agency's lack of understanding and the Conservative Party's desperate bid for relevance.

3. Misguided Strategies and Humor (07:00 - 13:00)

As the agency brainstorms, their ideas become increasingly absurd, reflecting their incompetence and lack of genuine strategy.

• Charles: "Fruitcake. So I go back to the client and propose a nationwide poster campaign saying, vote Conservative with a picture of a fruitcake." [07:34]
• Martin McCabe: "A miserable fruitcake." [07:50]

The humor intensifies with suggestions like "Compassionate birching" and the juxtaposition of serious political strategies with nonsensical ideas.

• Mr. Prentice: "I've been in conservative politics 40 years and believe me, there is nothing the British people like better than the lash of the birch on firm, young on buttons." [12:08]

This blend of satire and wit underscores the episode's critique of ineffective political communication.

4. Internal Conflict and Sabotage (13:00 - 20:00)

Tensions rise within Prentice McCabe as financial mismanagement and internal conflicts surface. Sir Archibald Sullivan, the trainee, confronts the agency about missing funds, revealing deeper issues.

• Sir Archibald Sullivan: "I haven't touched your sodden money, you pompous tart." [21:00]
• Charles: "Sandy, can we have a word with you?" [20:02]

The chaos culminates in a failed attempt to execute a disastrous media strategy during the Conservative Party's conference, leading to public embarrassment.

• Martin McCabe: "This special conference to relaunch the party and boost its credibility... is going very well." [15:10]
• Narrator: "It's going to be a disaster. An unmitigated catastrophe." [15:11]

This section emphasizes the collapse of the agency's plans and the resultant fallout.

5. Climactic Meltdown and Resolution (20:00 - 28:00)

The episode reaches its climax as financial strains and failed strategies force the agency to confront the consequences of their incompetence.

• Charles: "What did you say?" [23:15]
• Martin McCabe: "Our first major client to serve." [27:08]

In the final moments, Sir Archibald Sullivan demands fair compensation, leading to an admission of the agency's shortcomings and an apology to the Conservative Party.

• Martin McCabe: "We humbly apologize. We would be most grateful if you would resume your office traineeship with Prentiss McCabe." [27:12]
• Sir Archibald Sullivan: "I am supposed to be doing business letters, photocopying and basic invoicing." [21:03]

The episode closes on a note of unresolved tension, highlighting the cyclical nature of failure within the agency.

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Notable Quotes with Attribution and Timestamps

• Mr. Prentice: "Mr. Prentice, life in the private sector is tough." [01:17]
• Chairman of the Conservative Party: "I've come to talk to you about my party's recognition problem." [03:55]
• Martin McCabe: "A happy fruitcake." [07:34]
• Charles: "Fruitcake. So I go back to the client and propose a nationwide poster campaign saying, vote Conservative with a picture of a fruitcake." [07:34]
• Mr. Prentice: "I've been in conservative politics 40 years and believe me, there is nothing the British people like better than the lash of the birch on firm, young on buttons." [12:08]
• Sir Archibald Sullivan: "I haven't touched your sodden money, you pompous tart." [21:00]
• Chairman of the Conservative Party: "We are Tories. We are Tories. No one likes us." [26:38]
• Martin McCabe: "We humbly apologize. We would be most grateful if you would resume your office traineeship with Prentiss McCabe." [27:12]

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Insights and Themes

Satire of Political Communication: The episode uses humor to critique the ineffectiveness and absurdity that can plague political media relations. The outrageous strategies proposed by Prentice McCabe illustrate how detached and out-of-touch political strategists can be from actual public sentiment.

Internal Dysfunction: The portrayal of Prentice McCabe showcases how internal conflicts, financial mismanagement, and lack of competence can lead to the downfall of an organization, especially when handling high-profile clients.

Public Perception and Media Failure: The disastrous media strategies reflect the broader theme of how poor communication and branding can severely harm a political party's image and electoral prospects.

Class Commentary: Through characters like Sir Archibald Sullivan, the episode subtly comments on class dynamics and the undervaluing of essential, yet unglamorous, office roles within powerful institutions.

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Conclusion

"Absolute Power (2000-01-05) Conservative Party" offers a biting and humorous examination of political media relations agencies and their struggle to manage client expectations and public image. Through sharp wit and satirical dialogue, the episode underscores the complexities and often farcical nature of political communication strategies. Listeners are left with a memorable portrayal of incompetence and the inevitable consequences of misguided leadership, all wrapped in the nostalgic charm of old-time radio storytelling.

Transcript

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[Narrator]

We present Absolute Power by Mark Tavenner, starring John Bird and Stephen Fry.

[Mr. Prentice]

Mr. Prentice, life in the private sector is tough.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes, yes, of course.

[Mr. Prentice]

I understand that you spent 20 years working for the BBC.

[Martin McCabe]

Exactly.

[Mr. Prentice]

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. And then you were sacked.

[Martin McCabe]

Oh, I wouldn't say sacked.

[Mr. Prentice]

You wouldn't?

[Martin McCabe]

No, no. We were simply told that we had a distinctive contribution to make to the wealth creating sector by someone who was.

[Mr. Prentice]

Both sober and serious. Mr. Prentiss, the private sector is both sober and serious.

[Martin McCabe]

And so are we.

[Mr. Prentice]

Prentice McCabe. Government media relations. What is government media relations?

[Martin McCabe]

I think it's what are government media relations, actually. But one makes allowances. You are, after all, a bank manager.

[Mr. Prentice]

Mr. Prentiss, I am a most busy woman.

[Martin McCabe]

Oh, most, yes, most.

[Mr. Prentice]

I have little time for flippancy about.

[Martin McCabe]

A business that has gone floppancy. No, no, I quite see your point. I promised you a distinguished list of blue chip clients.

[Mr. Prentice]

How many clients does your government media relations agency actually have?

[Martin McCabe]

Well, let me put it this way. You and I have always had an excellent working relationship when you were on.

[Mr. Prentice]

A generous and regular BBC salary, which.

[Martin McCabe]

Now, sadly, I am not. Let's. Let's talk business.

[Mr. Prentice]

Let us do so.

[Martin McCabe]

How far will you extend my overdraft for the exclusive unrestrained or possibly restrained use of my body. But you can't take that. That's my executive desk.

[Madam Speaker]

But it hasn't been paid for, has it?

[Charles]

No, no, that. That's my drinks cabinet.

[Sandy]

Yeah, not anymore it's not.

[Martin McCabe]

Or the sheer vulgarity of it. Look, this is Prentice McCabe. We are one of the fastest growing agencies in London.

[Sandy]

Well, you'll have more space for it now, wouldn't you?

[Martin McCabe]

Prentice McCabe is at the cutting edge.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Phone's been cut off.

[Charles]

Not now, Sandy.

[Martin McCabe]

Look, a couple More weeks and there will be people beating that door down, begging to pay us a fortune for our services. Yes. Sorry, mate.

[Charles]

That's how it goes. Excuse us.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

Yes, yes, of course. Have I come at a bad moment?

[Martin McCabe]

And who might you be? A solicitor? A bailiff? A debt collector?

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

I am Chairman of the Conservative Party.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes, yes, of course you are. And I am Lorenzo the Magnificent. This is my friend Martin. Empress of all the Russias.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

No, no, I really am the Chairman of the Conservative Party.

[Charles]

Whatever you just come for, just take it. Have a chair, have several, have a couple of filing cabinets. I am.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

Honestly. I've come to talk to you about my party's recognition problem.

[Martin McCabe]

Are you saying you're a client with money? Well, of course. Sandy. Sandy, some tea.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

We're out of tea bags.

[Charles]

Take some money out of petty cash.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

There isn't any money in the petty cash.

[Martin McCabe]

Sandy, not now.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

I'm only the office trainee. It's not my job to pay for the tea bags. Oh, right.

[Martin McCabe]

Well, now, Mr. Mr. Mr. Money.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

Sir Archibald Sullivan.

[Charles]

Sir Archibald Sullivan Money. Martin McCabe.

[Martin McCabe]

We here at Prentiss McCabe offer a unique range of services to a select group of blue chip clients. Do turn that bin upside down and sit down on it. Now, what particular service are you seeking, gentlemen?

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

I've come to you for one reason.

[Charles]

Because Prentice McCabe is hot, hot, hot.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

Because nobody else will touch us with a barge pole. People say we don't want the Conservative Party's account. It doesn't look good on our client list.

[Martin McCabe]

Sad, Martin.

[Charles]

Positively poignant. What exactly are you looking for?

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

I want you to think of the Conservative Party as a business that's underperforming.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes, I think we can manage that.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

I want you to think of us as a once great name that has fallen on hard times.

[Charles]

The Wolverhampton Wanderers of the opinion polls.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

Quite so. And what I want is a media relations strategy that will revitalize our election prospects.

[Charles]

My dear chap, you don't want Prentice McCabe. You want the Church of the latter Day Miracle.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

The party is willing to spend a substantial sum.

[Martin McCabe]

In that case, consider yourself revitalised.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

The bloke at the shop says you can't have the tea bags because you still own for two sausage rolls.

[Martin McCabe]

Obviously some misunderstanding there, party.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

And he said, in that case, let's see the actors up front.

[Martin McCabe]

I'm so sorry. She's.

[Charles]

She's a trainee, Charles. This is the Conservative Party after all. Let's see the ackers up front.

[Narrator]

Your conions, mister.

[Charles]

This is more like it. It's a Terrible effort, this private sector lark, isn't it? Relentless racing and chasing.

[Martin McCabe]

If that's what it takes to succeed, Martin McCabe will do it.

[Charles]

It's an awful shock to a man who spent all his working life at the BBC though, isn't it?

[Martin McCabe]

And who was it who said, we'll never work again?

[Charles]

But I liked the idea of never working again. I had every intention of never working again.

[Martin McCabe]

You were going to spend your redundancy money on apartment.

[Charles]

No, no, no, no. I was going to spend my redundancy money in a parliament, get up late, amble through the village, wandering, sit at my favorite table. The times, a nice warm fire and a glass of Guinness and Advocar.

[Martin McCabe]

God. Still, here we are with our first major client to serve.

[Charles]

Yes, well, listen, how about this? The Conservative Party conference music.

[Martin McCabe]

Ah, yes, now that is an important point. We can't relaunch the Conservative Party as a new modern party if they still insist on Land of hope and glory.

[Charles]

What about send in the clowns and a banner across the front of the stage saying, if you think this is bad, wait till Anne Widdicombe gets here?

[Martin McCabe]

Pleasing concept, but can we.

[Charles]

Now, the other thing they need is a symbol.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes, A logo. Like New Labour's red rose or that.

[Charles]

Bird thing the Liberals have got.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes, Martin, that's brilliant.

[Charles]

What, that bird thing?

[Martin McCabe]

No, a symbol, a logo. Something people will see and automatically think Conservative Party. Martin, what one thing makes you think Conservative Party?

[Charles]

Fruitcake.

[Martin McCabe]

Fruitcake. So I go back to the client and propose a nationwide poster campaign saying, vote Conservative with a picture of a fruitcake.

[Charles]

Well, a positive, happy fruitcake.

[Martin McCabe]

A happy fruitcake.

[Charles]

Well, all right. A miserable fruitcake.

[Martin McCabe]

Martin, this business is not going to make a profit by selling miserable fruitcake to the Conservative Party.

[Charles]

I'm being serious.

[Martin McCabe]

Your appearance is deceptive in the extreme.

[Charles]

Do not discount the miserable fruitcake vote. All over Britain there are millions of miserable fruitcakes just waiting for a lead.

[Martin McCabe]

Martin, could we once and for all get off as regards the fruitcake motif? The germ of an idea has just met the domestos of harsh reality.

[Charles]

Listen, listen. What is the point of New Labor?

[Martin McCabe]

Can I phone a friend or go 5050 on that one?

[Charles]

The point is that it's new. Oh, God, it's new and modern and dynamic. Well, I don't want to be new and modern. I want to put on old slippers, sit in an old armchair, watch old Morgman Wise videos. I suppose I may have to put up with all this newness, but I don't have to like it. You see, I'm a miserable fruitcake.

[Martin McCabe]

Do you know, I think you're onto something. Let's research it.

[Charles]

Oh no, no, no, no. Let's not. Let's pretend to research it. So much less effort. I do see what you mean about your recognition factor.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

Is it that bad?

[Martin McCabe]

It is quite bad, yes. Prentice McCabe did some research on your behalf. Didn't we, Martin?

[Charles]

Some extensive, expensive research which shows that.

[Martin McCabe]

The leader of the Conservative party is slightly less well known than the manager of Plymouth Argyll and only two points.

[Charles]

Above the all night weatherman on Channel 5.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

Of course it does take a party a long time to recover.

[Charles]

You mean from electing a leader like yours?

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

I finished the questionnaires. I filled them all in. In different ink like you said.

[Martin McCabe]

Not just at the moment, Sandy. Thank you.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Do I get the 20 quid out of the patty cash like you said?

[Martin McCabe]

For the tea bags? Yes, certainly. Later.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Mr. Prentice. What has make up questionnaires got to do with a national vocational qualification in business administration, Level two?

[Advertiser]

Yes.

[Charles]

Sir Archibald, may I introduce our questionnaire design executive?

[Martin McCabe]

Vital member of our team.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

Pleased to meet you.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Can you sign that?

[Martin McCabe]

Sandy, not now.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

It's to say that I've greeted a client in a professional manner According to Unit 7 of the national vocational qualification.

[Martin McCabe]

All right.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Thank you. Tory bastard.

[Martin McCabe]

Sir. Sir Archibald, I think it would be fair to say that we have the glimmerings of a strategy here, but I think we'd like to do some research.

[Charles]

Would we?

[Martin McCabe]

Mm. Yes, Martin, we would. We'd like to spend an afternoon in the House of Commons.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

I can certainly arrange that for you.

[Charles]

Well, couldn't we just admit defeat and file for bankruptcy?

[Madam Speaker]

Madam speaker, when the Prime Minister looks at the latest unemployment figures, does he not agree that his government inherited a strong economy from the Tories and ruined it?

[Sandy]

I am very glad he mentioned figures. Madam speaker, this morning there was an opinion poll published in the Telegraph. His party is now further behind Labour than it was at the general election. He has taken a massacre and made it worse.

[Martin McCabe]

Absolutely true, I fear.

[Charles]

You don't think this fellow is a hopeless case, do you, Charles?

[Madam Speaker]

Does he not recognize the mistakes his government is making?

[Sandy]

I hate to go on about opinion polls, but does he not recognize that a clear majority of the British people don't recognize him? They wouldn't recognize him if he walked up to them and said, I am.

[Charles]

The leader of the Conservative Party. I really think this is worth the effort.

[Martin McCabe]

Think what this will do for the profile of Prentice McCain.

[Charles]

Sink it without trace. By the sound of it.

[Martin McCabe]

Come on, let's go and mingle.

[Charles]

So you're going to develop a media.

[Martin McCabe]

Relations strategy, raise our profile. How are you going to set about it? Well, that's why my colleague Martin here and I are so fascinated to meet you.

[Charles]

Fascinated? Oh, gosh, yes.

[Martin McCabe]

We are fascinated to meet a representative sample of Conservative backbenchers.

[Charles]

I'm tumescent. Yes.

[Martin McCabe]

And what we were rather hoping is that you could give us some idea of the themes we should be stressing in our media campaign. We need to listen to the British people.

[Charles]

But they're telling you to son off.

[Martin McCabe]

The time has come for compassionate conservatism.

[Mr. Prentice]

The butch.

[Martin McCabe]

Hello.

[Mr. Prentice]

I've been in conservative politics 40 years and believe me, there is nothing the British people like better than the lash of the birch on firm, young on buttons.

[Martin McCabe]

Compassionate birching.

[Charles]

Sensitive hanging. There could be a headline or two in sensitive hanging.

[Martin McCabe]

You see, the real problem is the leader. He's too young somehow, or too old. So, in sum, we want compassion and birching. And the leader is too young and too old. Well, that's been most illuminating. I think we can work with that. Wouldn't you say so, Martin?

[Charles]

Is there any way around here you can get some fruitcake?

[Martin McCabe]

His speech was the most thoughtful, intelligent and appealing he has made since becoming leader. The Times. Martin, this is extraordinary. Well done.

[Charles]

Thank you, Charles.

[Martin McCabe]

I never knew you had a talent for political speechwriting.

[Charles]

No, neither did I.

[Martin McCabe]

This could mean a great deal of work.

[Charles]

Yes. Oh, gosh, yes.

[Martin McCabe]

What was it the Telegraph said? There must be millions of ordinary citizens who will warm to his message and who respond instinctively to calls for compassion with discipline. Flogging with fruitcake. If the Tory leader keeps this up, the next election is not such a foregone conclusion as some would like to think. Well done, Martin. Well done.

[Charles]

I don't even like Conservatives. I mean, if it wasn't for them, we might still be in the public sector, wasting our time and other people's money. I was put on this earth to waste my time and other people's money. That's what I'm for.

[Martin McCabe]

Before we can waste it, Martin, we have to earn it. We're going to turn the Conservative Party into the success story of the new millennium. And we're going to charge a great deal of money for doing so.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Mr. Prentice, there's a call for you. He says it's urgent.

[Narrator]

Mr. Prentiss, over here.

[Martin McCabe]

Ah, over there.

[Narrator]

Mr. Prentice. I represent the sources close to.

[Martin McCabe]

The sources close to what?

[Narrator]

I come from a department which does not exist.

[Martin McCabe]

Customer relations at Marks and Spencer. Ah. Let there be light. Shh.

[Narrator]

Mr. Prentiss, I am here on the express orders of Downing street. And that is why I am not here.

[Martin McCabe]

I understand completely. I am one of Richard Branson's trains. And that is why I am not here. You know, in fact, there really is nobody here. There's no need to whisper. If this meeting's really that secret, we could go to the Millennium Dome. That way we'll be really private.

[Narrator]

We at Downing street have followed your work for the Conservative Party with great interest. It has been excellent. Downing street is very disappointed.

[Martin McCabe]

Well, we're merely doing our job. You know, the Conservative Party is a client like any other.

[Narrator]

You have a new client now. You're preparing for a special Conservative conference to relaunch the party and boost its credibility. Is it going well?

[Martin McCabe]

It's going very well.

[Narrator]

It's going to be a disaster. An unmitigated catastrophe. It will destroy any possibility of a Conservative recovery this side of an election.

[Martin McCabe]

Can I just here raise a vitally important ethical question? How much?

[Narrator]

In the event that you perform this service, Downing street would be conspicuously grateful. There would be every possibility of future work which would be highly remunerated. Naturally, we are not in the habit of handing people cash in brown envelopes.

[Martin McCabe]

Ah, a designer jiffy bag.

[Charles]

Sandy, it's perfectly simple. You come here, get trained in all aspects of office work, and we don't pay you anything. It's called the government's New Deal.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

But it's not training, it's work. I'm running this office.

[Charles]

And what could be better training than that?

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

And you promised to review the question of paying me.

[Charles]

And we shall. We shall set up a review which will conduct an inquiry and then produce a report. Then we might do something. The truth is, Sandy, at the moment, we can't afford it. Oh, put that in petty cash, will you?

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Oh, yeah.

[Martin McCabe]

Right margin. A word.

[Charles]

Can I just finish this? It's the leader's speech for this blessed conference.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes, yes. Never mind that. Get your coat.

[Charles]

Oh. Oh, very well.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Prentice McCabe. One moment, please. It's Sir Archibald.

[Charles]

Ah, yes.

[Martin McCabe]

No, not just now.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Putting you on hold, caller.

[Charles]

But, Charles, I think he's going to like the speech.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

La la la la la la la la.

[Martin McCabe]

Mar.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Still trying to connect you. Oh, he's hung up.

[Sandy]

The Peking Latkers.

[Charles]

Splendid. Yes, in a broad sense of that term.

[Sandy]

The Cowan and Wong Chinese culture surprise.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes, yes, that. That is a surprise.

[Charles]

But, Charles, you told me to exert myself to write a Speech that would reshape the political landscape.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes, yes, I did. And so it will, Charles.

[Charles]

I've done it. We set the whole thing up. The special conference to relaunch the party. The press is squared, the middle class is prepared.

[Sandy]

May I bring you anything else?

[Charles]

No, no, no. I think the bar mitzvah with black bean sauce will wait until another day.

[Sandy]

Bon appetit. On behalf of Cohen and Wong.

[Charles]

Look, whatever might be said about conservatives, I've said it. But we've accepted their money. And now you're proposing to turn us into a sort of New Labour dirty.

[Martin McCabe]

But it's such a challenge, Martin. Quite apart from what it'll do to our bank balance.

[Charles]

Yes, yes, there's always that, isn't there?

[Martin McCabe]

Look, here we are, for better, for worse, and we're being offered a retainer, a permanent source of income to become.

[Charles]

A part of New Labour's control freak. One party states, to sell our soul.

[Martin McCabe]

Oh, but the sheer challenge of it. You're so right. The press will be watching, television will be watching to contrive an unforgettable, unmissable cock up. This calls for a wheeze on a scale that we have never wheezed before. We must work all night. The long, dark night of our soul.

[Charles]

Charles, in front of all that media attention. It can't be done.

[Sandy]

May I offer you a little gefilte fish foo young. It's a Cohen and Wong first.

[Martin McCabe]

Six minutes. And that was for John Major.

[Charles]

Yes. Wouldn't it be nice to be guaranteed a standing ovation for talking absolute tripe? I mean, the leader can say anything he likes and they get up on their hind legs.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes, my friends and I have converted to Communism.

[Charles]

You are all a bunch of spotty fascists.

[Martin McCabe]

Let's all take our clothes off and have some caring conservatism.

[Charles]

But that is your problem, Charles. How to contrive a disaster. This lot applauded Virginia Bottomley doing Gilbert and Sullivan. Not even your devious brain is going to come up with anything worse than that. Face it, Charles, this is a wheeze too far, even for the wheezemaster General.

[Martin McCabe]

There's no need to sound so pleased about it. We're supposed to be a partnership, Martin. If one fails, we both fail.

[Charles]

Yes, but in a way, I was rather looking forward to bankruptcy. I was getting myself into bankruptcy mode. As a matter of fact. I think I might need nip off round the off license, get some Guinness and Advocar. Anyway, Charles, the Conservatives will pay us, even if it's not a Disaster.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes, but they will pay us once. A retainer from New Labour will be regular money and regular fun. Oh, no, no, no, no, Martin, I'm not giving up just yet.

[Charles]

Charles, you did give me the petty cash, didn't you? Yes, I gave it to Sandy to put in the petty cash tin. It's empty.

[Martin McCabe]

Martin, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Tea bags. You owe me 70 pence.

[Martin McCabe]

Sandy.

[Charles]

Sandy, can we have a word with you?

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Yeah. Oh, the petty cash.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

How much are you giving me?

[Charles]

Sandy, when you came to us, it was in many ways a leap in the dark.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Yeah, it was. It's all right. I've got used to you now.

[Martin McCabe]

We are aware that you're from a difficult background.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

What, my dad?

[Charles]

Yes, quite.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Cost a fortune going up to Strangeways every month.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes, yes, indeed. And perhaps we haven't been as generous in rewarding your efforts as we might have been.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Yeah. So what's the deal? How much?

[Charles]

The thing is, there's a bit of a problem.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

You've spilled claret in the photocopier again.

[Martin McCabe]

I'm sure we can get this sorted out and keep it private between ourselves.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Well, I won't tell anybody what you've been looking up on the Internet. Mind you, it was a bit of a surprise. I tried to log into Sir Archibald and I got women's madware. Sleep.

[Martin McCabe]

Sandy. Oh, Martin, you do it.

[Charles]

Sandy.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Yes.

[Charles]

Sandy.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Yeah?

[Charles]

Did you steal £200 from penny cash?

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

What?

[Martin McCabe]

Unfortunately, Sandy, a sum of money appears to have gone missing.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Are you taking the piss? I even bought the tea bags out my own money. Are you serious?

[Charles]

We are aware of your financial position.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

And whose fault is that? I'm only the bloody trainee. I do more work than the pair of you put together. I get 20 quid once a fortnight if I'm lucky. I spend half my time covering for you. Oh, I'm sorry. He's in a meeting when what I ought to be saying is he's so brain dead, I don't know if he's got a name or just a tag at the end of his foot.

[Martin McCabe]

Sandy, it may well have been our fault for creating temptation.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

I haven't touched your sodden money, you pompous tart. All I want to do is finish my national vocational qualification, level 2. Level 2 and get the hell out of this stump. I'm supposed to be doing business letters, photocopying and basic invoicing. I come in here and I end up making tea for some bull burg who thinks he's Chairman of the Conservative Party.

[Charles]

Sandy stuff.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Your office training stuff. Your stupid agency and stuff.

[Charles]

Well, I thought I handled that pretty well.

[Martin McCabe]

Well, it's only a couple of hundred.

[Charles]

Quid, which represents our entire advance from Sir Archibald.

[Martin McCabe]

Then we must simply earn some more. It's going to be a long night, Martin.

[Charles]

Staring at videos of old conferences won't help. Face it, Charles, we are beaten.

[Martin McCabe]

We are not. Well, we're nearly beaten.

[Charles]

We can't nobble the speech. I mean, they rehearse and re rehearse these things nowadays. If we substituted a really bad speech, he'd spot it in an instant.

[Martin McCabe]

And the security for party conferences is watertight. I did think of trying to pack the audience with tattooed skinheads singing we are Tories. We are Tories. No one likes us. We don't care. Can't be done.

[Charles]

Well, what else is there? Look at it. The leader. A platform full of worthies, an adoring audience, a sign language interpreter for the deaf.

[Martin McCabe]

Yes. What did you say?

[Charles]

A platform full of worthies.

[Martin McCabe]

Never mind that. An interpreter translating what the party leader is saying into sign language. That's it. Martin. Martin, do you remember President Carter? Vainly he paid a state visit to Poland and he took the world's most incompetent Polish translator. He thought he was saying, I am full of admiration for your achievements.

[Charles]

Yes, so what?

[Martin McCabe]

Well, what he actually said was, I come amongst the Polish people full of lust for your children. It was a disaster. A disaster, Martin.

[Charles]

But, Charles, the leader of the Conservative Party isn't being translated into Polish.

[Martin McCabe]

But he is being translated into sign language disastrously. Do trains run all night to Brighton?

[Charles]

Oh, dear, yes. Yes, they do.

[Martin McCabe]

Then ho for the Tory conference and more ho. And an extra side order of ho. And don't hold back the hoe. Now, when he gets back to the bit, I am delighted that Michael Portillo is back. Welcome back, Michael. Yep, that's it. The two fingers fully extended. That's right. But try to imagine you're throwing a discus. That's it.

[Mr. Prentice]

Like this.

[Martin McCabe]

Exactly. Exactly. And then it's, welcome back, Michael. Splendid. Now, when he says, the Conservative Party will come again and again and again. I like that. But I think you could afford to do it a bit more.

[Sandy]

We're not paying you to hold back, darling.

[Charles]

In fact, at that point, you could even fall off the rostrum in a sort of sweaty mess.

[Martin McCabe]

Now, Martin, you haven't seen this one. Have a look at this. Would you give us your. My colleagues in the parliamentary Conservative Party?

[Mr. Prentice]

Certainly.

[Martin McCabe]

Do you think I might be going a tad too far.

[Charles]

I don't think so. In fact, I think you can afford to turn around so that people can actually see where you're pointing.

[Martin McCabe]

Now, this. This rather weak passage in the speech, frankly, Martin, you know this bit about the common sense revolution, I think that requires something particularly scatterlogical.

[Madam Speaker]

The Prime Minister. The man's a fraud. And let me say this to the voters of Kensington.

[Charles]

I don't think he meant to say that to the voters.

[Madam Speaker]

Thank you and welcome back, Michael. My colleagues in the Parliamentary Conservative Party know, as I do, that the Conservative Party will come again. And again. We will come again.

[Sandy]

Again.

[Charles]

Oh, dear.

[Martin McCabe]

Oh, joy. Martin, I think it will be unwise to outstay our welcome. The station, now.

[Madam Speaker]

And that is what I mean by the common sense revolution.

[Mr. Prentice]

We apologise to passengers requiring the 10:00 service to London. It's a Richard Branson train, so it's not here, but.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

Gentlemen. Mr. Prentice.

[Charles]

Gentlemen, it's Sir Archibald.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

There's something I must tell you.

[Martin McCabe]

We can explain everything.

[Charles]

No, we can't.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

Actually, Mr. Prentice, when I was last in your office, your petty cash tin was open on the desk. In it was the £200 I had so rashly given you, I fear. I'm very much afraid so.

[Charles]

He wasn't Sandy.

[Chairman of the Conservative Party]

You see, we can't afford to give you £200. Most of the party's benefactors are in prison. Even our jumble sales make a loss. We are Tories. We are Tories. No one likes us.

[Charles]

As the Tory leader reached his climax, a climax of a quite different kind was being enacted by a seemingly demented sign language interpreter whose antics attracted the attention first of the press, then the television cameras and the interior. Its speech ended amid some confusion, thus.

[Martin McCabe]

Causing what might have been a triumph to descend into shambles.

[Charles]

Sandy.

[Martin McCabe]

Oh, Sandy. Well, you came and you gave without taking but we sent you away oh, Sandy.

[Charles]

Sandy. We have made an error of judgment for which we apologize.

[Martin McCabe]

We humbly apologize. We would be most grateful if you would resume your office traineeship with Prentiss McCabe.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Meaning I make the teen do the photocopying.

[Martin McCabe]

No, no, no, no, no, no. This is not a day for photocopying. This is a day for celebration. Look at that.

[Sir Archibald Sullivan]

Congratulations and well done. There will be plenty more where that came from.

[Charles]

You haven't seen that, of course.

[Martin McCabe]

Indeed. Not that, Sandy, is a fax that.

[Narrator]

You'Ve been listening to. Absolute Power by Mark Taverner, starring John Bird and Stephen Fry. With Siobhan Hayes, Jeremy Clyde, Tony Gardner, Martin Hyder, Simon Greenall and Beth Chalmers. The music was by Matthew Scott and the program was produced by Paul Schlesinger.