Albert and Me - s01e08 - Family Christmas

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Albert and Me - s01e08 - Family Christmas

Release Date: December 1, 2025
Main Cast:

• Brian Archer (Richard Beckinsale)
• Granny Archer (Patricia Hayes)
• Maureen (Celia Bannerman)
• Fred Archer (John Comer)
• Special Guests: Pat Coombs, Kenneth Shanley

---

Episode Overview

This episode from the classic radio series "Albert and Me" is a festive special centered around the chaos, warmth, and humor of a traditional British family Christmas. The story follows Brian Archer as he navigates the trials of preparing for the holidays with his young son Albert, quirky family members, and the arrival of his rambunctious grandmother. Expect witty banter, heartfelt moments, and the gentle absurdity of holiday traditions—all dusted with vintage charm.

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Key Discussion Points & Plot Highlights

1. Christmas Preparations and Disarray

[00:33–04:47]

• Brian reads classic tales (like Cinderella) to Albert, setting a whimsical, playful tone.

• The family scrambles to keep track of presents—especially the cat’s gift to Albert:

  • “It's an orange wrapped in green paper. It's got ‘Merry Christmas to Albert from Tibbles’ written on it.” – Fred ([02:21])
  • The gift almost ends up as chicken stuffing, prompting humorous confusion in the kitchen.

• The inclusion of Granny ("your mum") in the Christmas plans is met with comedic dread:

  • "She will be one of these days. Fancy belting up Corporation street with a turkey under her arm…" – Fred ([03:48])
  • Fred’s stories about Granny’s past escapades (such as showing off her rugby skills) add a layer of family legend and chaos.

2. Family Dynamics and Relationships

[04:58–06:43]

• Brian and Maureen flirt and banter over Albert's meals, alluding to underlying romantic tension and holiday visits.
• Maureen warns: “Can I do anything for you?” ([05:27])
• Brian jokes: "You could always take it off.” ([05:59]), teasing about Maureen’s nurse uniform.
• Maureen commits to attending Christmas despite Brian’s cheeky comments.

3. Last-Minute Shopping Adventures

[06:43–08:52]

• Brian and Albert tackle Christmas Eve shopping, running into Brian’s dad, Fred, who is (reluctantly) buying a present for his wife ("your mum").
• "Do you think she'd like a set of darts?" – Fred ([07:53]), with his typical self-centered practicality.
• Discussion of embarrassing family stories and traditions—such as being kicked off a train for not having tickets, relayed with classic British understatement and wit.

4. Granny Archer Arrives

[13:00–15:54]

• Granny makes a dramatic entrance after dealing with “hooligans” on the train:
  • "I kicked two of them in the penalty area and I laid into the others with me broly. They won't know whether it's Christmas or Pancake Tuesday." – Granny ([13:28])
• Her resilience and humor instantly dominate the household:
  • "Are you wed yet, Brian? No, thank heaven. Someone in this family's got some brains." – Granny ([14:45])
  • Rejects modernity in favor of strong, traditional tea: "I want proper tea. The sort that when you throw the grouch, they stick on the wall." ([14:56])

5. Christmas Plans in Flux

[15:05–19:09]

• Brian tries (and fails) to reveal to the family his plans to spend Christmas elsewhere with Maureen.
• Maureen, unexpectedly, must work on Christmas day due to a colleague's illness, disappointing Brian but offering Boxing Day as consolation.
  • "I'm off on Boxing Day, so we can have that together.” – Maureen ([19:09])

6. Granny Takes Albert on an Adventure

[19:41–22:14]

• Granny (reluctantly supervised by Brian) takes Albert shopping, which leads to mayhem—she’s soon pushing the pram like “a skateboard.”
• Comic misunderstanding with a policeman:
  • "She ran the pram over my foot. And when I remonstrated with her, she told me what I could do with my foot." – Policeman ([20:01])

7. Carol Singing and Store Showdown

[20:36–23:19]

• Granny leads an impromptu carol singing session at the department store’s crib, refusing to be shut down by staff:
  • "It's a bad job if you can't sing carols round it." – Granny ([21:39])
  • The store staff relents, resulting in a joyful group chorus.

8. Family Christmas Day

[23:19–27:47]

• The family gathers around the table for a chaotic but heartfelt meal.
• Granny insists on a traditional grace:
  • "You were always brought up from a baby to say your grace... Today's as good a day as any to start." – Granny ([24:19])
• Banter about the Queen’s Speech, chicken carving, and obligatory Christmas crackers:
  • "Will you stop gabbing and start dishing up that chicken Fred?" – Granny ([25:54])
• Exchange of riddles and laughter, culminating in a family toast:
  • “Well, I wish you all a merry Christmas.” – Fred ([27:35])
  • “A Merry Christmas.” – Granny ([27:38])

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On holiday chaos:

  • “Christmas is a time that's memorable for one special reason above all others—it's the only time there's anything good on the telly. Apart from that, it's the time when families throughout the land panic over last minute arrangements.” – Narrator ([00:51])

• Granny’s legendary toughness:

  • “I can still carry a crate of stout through a saloon bar.” – Granny ([17:15])

• Store carol confrontation:

  • "If he can sing, fetch him. The spirit, lad!” – Granny leads the store to join in singing ([22:14])

• Holiday sentiment:

  • "It’s nice to think they’ll be sitting round the table having their family Christmas dinner just like us.” – Maureen ([25:40])

---

Important Segment Timestamps

• [00:33–03:00] – Chaos with Christmas presents and family dinner planning.
• [05:09–06:34] – Brian and Maureen’s playful banter over Christmas plans.
• [07:45–09:35] – Fred’s comically poor Christmas shopping and family embarrassment stories.
• [13:00–14:56] – Granny’s train journey and triumphant arrival.
• [19:41–20:19] – Granny’s runaway with Albert and the police encounter.
• [21:19–22:14] – Carol singing showdown at the department store.
• [23:19–27:38] – Christmas meal, crackers, riddles, and family toast.

---

Tone & Style

The episode is classic British sitcom: warm, witty, and richly textured with familial eccentricity and understated affection. Characters’ banter is peppered with dry humor, sarcasm, and loving exasperation—think "fawlty Towers" meets "Only Fools and Horses" over a Christmas dinner.

---

Conclusion

"Albert and Me – Family Christmas" distills the madness, laughter, and warmth of a multi-generational British Christmas. Through sharp dialogue and memorable character moments, it celebrates the way even the most chaotic family can find joy and togetherness during the holidays.

Recommended for anyone who wants a nostalgic, cozy, and quintessentially British Christmas tale.

---

Best Quote:
"I kicked two of them in the penalty area and I laid into the others with me broly. They won't know whether it's Christmas or Pancake Tuesday." – Granny Archer ([13:28])

Transcript

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[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[Brian Archer]

And the fairy godmother said, you shall go to the ball, Cinderella. See this picture, Albert? Bring me six white mice and a pumpkin. No, it's not your grandad, Albert. That's a pumpkin. Now look, it's better looking. And see these? These are the white mice. Aren't they sweet?

[Kerrygold Butter Advertiser]

Mice?

[Brian Archer]

Yeah, that's right, Albert. Just like the one on that chair. Yeah, the chair. Oh, mice. We've got a mouse. Hey, don't move, Albert. Hang on, hang on. That's the sugar mouse your gran gave you. You did that just to frighten me, Albert. We present Albert and Me, starring Richard Beckinsale and featuring Pat Coombs and John Comer, with special guests Patricia Hayes, Celia Bannerman and Kenneth Shanley. Christmas is a time that's memorable for one special reason above all others. It's the only time there's anything good on the telly. Apart from that, it's the time when families throughout the land panic over last minute arrangements.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Lil.

[Maureen]

What is it, Fred?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Have you seen little Albert's present? You what have you seen? Oh, come in here, will you?

[Maureen]

Well, just a minute while I wipe my hands.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Honest, this Christmas like. I'm just about fed up with it now.

[Maureen]

What is it, Fred? I was up to me elbows in gravy.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

I can see that. Look, I can't find little Albert's present.

[Maureen]

It's on the table.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

No, the one from the cat. What have you done with it?

[Maureen]

I've not seen it. What's it look like?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

It's an orange wrapped in green paper. It's got Merry Christmas to Albert from Tibbles written on it.

[Maureen]

Don't be silly, Fred. The cat can't rap.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

I've been giving it lessons, you stupid woman.

[Maureen]

Hey, did that paper have red spots on it?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

That's it. Look like a mouldy tennis ball with measles. Ah, well, where is it?

[Maureen]

Might be in the chicken.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

In the chicken?

[Maureen]

Well, you know, I like to do a special stuffing for Christmas dinner. Might have got mixed up with that. Hey, I'll go and have A look.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

You better check and see what else you've got up there and all while you're at it. Special stuffing.

[Maureen]

Well, I've got it, Fred.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Right, well, let's have it then. I want to put it under the Christmas tree.

[Maureen]

There you are. I see no damage done.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Yeah, well, you could have given it a wipe down, Fred. Now what is it?

[Maureen]

I'm a bit worried about that chicken.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Why? Did he find a cat up there as well?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

No.

[Maureen]

Daft. Hey, but do you think it'll be big enough for all of us?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Well, it should be. Let's see, there's me and you and your mum.

[Maureen]

It's our turn to have her this year.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Oh, don't remind me.

[Maureen]

And don't forget, she arrives tomorrow.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

But she'd better not get up to any of her tricks down here. Not after what happened last year. Celia's.

[Maureen]

Oh, I think your sister was exaggerated.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

You think so?

[Maureen]

Well, she did say the police were very nice about it.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Pleased to be rid of them all, like.

[Maureen]

Well, your mum likes her bit of fun. She gets carried away.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

She will be one of these days. She was fancy belting up Corporation street with a turkey under her arm. Showing our Celia's Dennis how Warrington scored a winning try.

[Maureen]

She did, didn't she?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Oh, yes. Touched down right in front of the Chinese takeaway. If it hadn't been for that policeman tattling on the payment, she'd have converted it over the glue factory.

[Maureen]

She's always been lively, your mum.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Lively? She's a public nuisance. I mean, after all, she is 87.

[Maureen]

Yeah, she's a lively old lady. I think that's where our Brian gets it from.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Anyway, she makes it three for Christmas.

[Maureen]

And then there's our Brian, four and little Albert, four and a half. It'll be a real family Christmas, won't it?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Oh, Brian is coming here for Christmas Day, is he? Only he hasn't mentioned it.

[Maureen]

Of course he is. With your mum coming and all, where else would he be spending Christmas?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

You never know with him. I mean, if he's got a bit of skirt lined up, we'll be lucky if we see him this side of New Year.

[Maureen]

Fred, how could you? You know, sometimes I think you just don't understand. Albr.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Oh, Maureen.

[Maureen]

Oh, Brian.

[Brian Archer]

Oh, Maureen.

[Maureen]

Oh, Brian.

[Brian Archer]

Oh, Albert, how could you? He's woken up. I can hear he's hungry. Must be three o'. Clock.

[Maureen]

Oh, yes, it is. How do you know?

[Brian Archer]

You can set Big Ben by Albert's stomach clock. I'm coming, Albert.

[Maureen]

Can I do anything for you.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Not off.

[Brian Archer]

But I'm busy with Albert at the moment.

[Maureen]

I'm talking about Albert.

[Brian Archer]

No, no, it's all right. Food's his cure. There we are. Come on, Albert. Oops. Said easy. Into your high chair. All ready.

[Maureen]

Hello, Albert.

[Brian Archer]

You know Maureen, don't you? There you are.

[Maureen]

Can I help?

[Brian Archer]

No. Oh, I wouldn't stand too near him while he's eating. Why? Well, he's not got the hang of the spoon yet. And you don't want to get mixed vegetables all over your nurse's uniform.

[Maureen]

That's all right.

[Brian Archer]

I suppose you could always take it off.

[Maureen]

Oh, yes. I'm due back on the ward in half an hour.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Good.

[Brian Archer]

We got a couple of minutes then.

[Maureen]

Ouch. Stop it. I've just starched that, honestly. Quite right, Albert, you tell him.

[Brian Archer]

Tell him what?

[Maureen]

You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Brian Archer]

Well, what's he done?

[Maureen]

You, not Albert.

[Brian Archer]

Oh.

[Maureen]

I've got a good mind not to come round Christmas Day.

[Brian Archer]

Oh, Maureen, you promised. You said you've got the whole day off.

[Maureen]

I don't know if I can trust you.

[Brian Archer]

Albert will keep an eye on me, won't you, Albert?

[Maureen]

All right, then.

[Brian Archer]

You'll be a smashing Christmas present.

[Maureen]

Knowing you, I'll be a well wrapped up one as well. Anyway, I better be going. See you on Christmas morning, Brian.

[Brian Archer]

Yeah.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Bye, Albert.

[Brian Archer]

He's busy eating. Bye, Maureen. I wish me a merry Christmas I wish me a merry Christmas I wish me a merry Christmas I'll tell you what, Albert, you wait. You just wait. One day you're going to discover there's more to life than strained prune juice. Come on, come on, eat up. We've got to draw up our shopping list. It's Christmas shopping for us tomorrow. Certainly Very crowded, isn't it, Albert? I've never seen so many people. It's the same every Christmas Eve. Everyone getting the last minute presents for people they've forgotten. No, no, it's all right, Albert. Yeah, I've been to Santa Claus. He'll be along with yours if there isn't a reindeer stripe. Now, let's have a look at that list. We've got a present for me mum. I hope she likes Led Zeppelin. And then there's that new crib set for me dad. Now, Maureen, she's next on the list. Well, I never. Look, Albert, there's your grand. Hello, dad.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Hello, Brian.

[Brian Archer]

What are you doing here?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Shopping. You?

[Brian Archer]

Shopping?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

I'm looking for a Christmas present for your mum. What are you gonna get her? I can't make my mind up. Do you Think she'd like a set of darts?

[Brian Archer]

Well, she don't play darts.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

I know, but the flights are. Mine are shot to pieces. Well, I could get her a new billiard cue with my initials on it.

[Brian Archer]

Oh, come on, dad.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Ah, suppose you're right.

[Brian Archer]

Anyhow, how come you're buying it? You usually ask her to go out and buy her own present.

[Kerrygold Butter Advertiser]

Yeah.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Your gran's coming down today.

[Brian Archer]

Granny Archer?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

That's right. I wanted to get out of the house before she arrived.

[Brian Archer]

Hear that, Albert? Your great granny's coming down for Christmas.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

It's all right for you. You don't have to suffer like I do.

[Brian Archer]

What do you mean?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Well, it's the way she's always going on about me when I was a baby. Oh, that. It's embarrassing. Do you remember when we were on our alleys at Bridlington? When you wet yourself in the train? I'm in a first class compartment.

[Brian Archer]

I hadn't heard that one.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

She never tells the rest of it. What's that? She only had a platform ticket. The inspector chucks us off the train at Leeds. You see, it's embarrassing.

[Brian Archer]

You do the same to me.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Not in company, I don't.

[Brian Archer]

Oh, yes you do. Remember Frieda Wilkins?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Frieda?

[Brian Archer]

Oh, yeah.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

She just left school. First girl you ever brought home.

[Brian Archer]

Yeah. You told her I used to wipe my nose on me coat sleeve.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Well, that wasn't pass. You were still doing that when you were 16. And where's your dad taking you today, Albert? Have you been to see Father Christmas?

[Brian Archer]

We're going to the Fairy Grotto when we finish shopping.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Oh, that would be nice, won't it? Mind you keep the lad away from Rudolph the Red Nose reindeer. Why, it's help Thomas. You know, the publican's friend.

[Brian Archer]

I don't know him.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Of course you do. Gives his address as a public bar. Pig and Whistle. He went on the wagon for a week last summer. And straight away they wiped Tottenhams off the brewery shares.

[Brian Archer]

Well, maybe we'll give Rudolph a mission.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

He's a nice bloke, mind. And he looks apart with his red nose.

[Brian Archer]

Still, we can always go into town, see the lights.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Don't talk to me about lights.

[Brian Archer]

Why not?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Your mum fixed ours up on the Christmas tree yesterday. Then she forgot what current they were on. What happened when I switched on? I fused all the lights in the house and blew the Christmas pudding out of the oven. Christmas?

[Brian Archer]

Ah, cheer up. It only comes round once a year.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Thank heavens for that. 365 Days of Peace and goodwill would drive me crackers Anyway, I better be off. We'll see you and Albert tomorrow for Christmas dinner. Ah well, you'd better make it before 12. Your grand will expect to have a teeth on the chicken by then.

[Brian Archer]

No, no, actually we might not be round tomorrow.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

You are?

[Brian Archer]

Well, we're thinking of spending Christmas Day with a friend, weren't we? Albert?

[Maureen]

Where is he, dad?

[Brian Archer]

Oh yes, yes, a very good friend.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

I can imagine. Do I know him?

[Brian Archer]

Well, it's her actually.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

As if I didn't know. Nibble a bit of turkey first and then nibble a different sort of bird after.

[Brian Archer]

Maureen's a nice girl.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

What about your mummy?

[Brian Archer]

Well, I thought.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

You know it'll upset her, don't you? Well, and your gran, she's only come down to see Albert, but. And who's gonna make a four up at Domino's?

[Brian Archer]

Well, we could come round on Boxing Day.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Boxing Day? Well, I hope you're not expecting me to tell your mum you'll not be around on Christmas Day. Now, you can come along home with me now and tell her yourself. Come on.

[Maureen]

Now, let's see how the mince pies are doing. Oh, lovely. Hey, that's them done. And the cake. Oh, I wonder if I put any money in that cake. Oh, it won't matter though. Last year our Brian ate 15p before he realized. That'll be Fred. Forgotten his key again, I should think. I'm coming.

[Kerrygold Butter Advertiser]

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[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

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[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Visit spinquest.com for more details. Hello there, little Granny Archer.

[Maureen]

Well, I never come in, won't you?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Well, I'm not stopping out here on doorstep.

[Maureen]

Oh, you look well, I must say. I'll outlive you lot anyway, I'm sure. Did you have a good journey?

[Brian Archer]

Terrible.

[Maureen]

Oh, I am sorry.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Bunch of hooligans on the train on the way to football match. Shouting, Carrying on.

[Maureen]

No. Yes.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

I had to call the guard.

[Maureen]

He put a stop to it.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Did he?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Hell is like they put the wind up him something shocking. So I took matters in my own hands. I soon sorted them out. I kicked two of them in the penalty area and I laid into the others with me broly. They won't know whether it's Christmas or Pancake Tuesday.

[Maureen]

Gran, you didn't.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Here. Where's our Fred then?

[Maureen]

He's out doing some last minute shopping.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Him shopping? Yeah, he's getting to be a big girl in his old age.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

I'm back. Low.

[Maureen]

That's him now.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Hello, Mum. Well, you got here then.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

You can see I have your great lump.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

I wondered if you. I mean, I didn't think.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Come on, give us a kiss. Sure you're pleased to see me?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Yes, Mum.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

And now you can ask me how I'm keeping.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

How are you keeping?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Oh, look, it's our Brian.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Hello, Gran.

[Brian Archer]

How are you?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

And little Albert? Oh, hello there, you young. Scalpel. You're getting to be a fine big lad, aren't you, Albert? No, no, no, blabby. Your granddad never said that.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Yeah, didn't give me a chance.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

A bit less of that, I'm afraid, or I'll fetch you one.

[Maureen]

Would you like a cup of tea?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Are you wed yet, Brian? No, thank heaven. Someone in this family's got some brains.

[Maureen]

Would anyone like a cup of tea?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

I thought you'd never ask.

[Maureen]

Well, I'll just go and put the kettle on.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

And none of them ketty tea bags. I want proper tea. The sort that when you throw the grouch they stick on the wall.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

I say. Well, our Brian's got something he wants to tell you.

[Maureen]

Have you really outbrein?

[Brian Archer]

Well, yes, well, I.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Come on lad, let's hear it. You're opening your mouth like a singing goldfish.

[Maureen]

Come on, Brian, what is it?

[Brian Archer]

Well, look. Happy Christmas Eve.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Hey, is that all?

[Brian Archer]

No, it's.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

We're waiting, Brian.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

And you shut up, friend. Lad, can Talk for himself.

[Brian Archer]

It's a surprise for Christmas.

[Maureen]

I wonder what it is.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

So does he. Come on, tell your mum what time you and Albert are coming round tomorrow.

[Kerrygold Butter Advertiser]

Well.

[Maureen]

Oh, I am looking forward to it. A real family Christmas. Just think, the whole family sat round the dinner table.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Well, Brian, what time will you be round?

[Brian Archer]

About dinner time.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Archer]

About then, roughly.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

That's not what you told me.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

I hope we don't have to wait for him before we open a bottle.

[Maureen]

Don't be late, Brian. We want to give Albert his presents before dinner.

[Brian Archer]

Right. Well, we'd better be off. I've still got a few things to do before tomorrow. And Albert didn't get to see Father Christmas, thanks to you, dad.

[Maureen]

Fred, you didn't stop Albert seeing Father Christmas.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Well, I. I wanted him to see his great granny.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

What do you expect me to do, you great lump? Give him a ride on a reindeer?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

No, it was Brian. What was? Well, you wanted to come back and take your grand shopping with Albert, remember?

[Maureen]

What a lovely thought, Brian.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Oh, well, in that case, I'll go and get changed.

[Brian Archer]

Come on.

[Maureen]

Come on, Gran.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

I'll take you to your room and get you. Right, Lil. It won't be a minute, Brian.

[Brian Archer]

Right.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Not coming round for Christmas Day?

[Brian Archer]

No. If you hadn't made me come home with you.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Don't blame me. Still. Ah, don't take it too hard, lad. You'd no chance. Not against them two.

[Brian Archer]

No. And I reckon I've no chance with Maureen either. Not now. Are you all right pushing Albert's pram, Gram?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Well, of course I am. I may be old, but I'm not weak.

[Brian Archer]

Of course not.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

I can still carry a crater stout through a saloon bar.

[Brian Archer]

Yes, Graham.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Oh, these shops are a long way, aren't they? I think I'd better stop and let you rest a minute.

[Maureen]

Right, Brian.

[Brian Archer]

Coey.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Hey, who's that shouting at you?

[Brian Archer]

It's Maureen, a girl I know.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

I reckon you're all right there.

[Maureen]

Hello, Brian.

[Brian Archer]

Hello, Maureen. This is my gran.

[Maureen]

How do you do?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Not as well as you do, I bet.

[Maureen]

Brian, I wanted to see. Have you got a minute?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Oh, you carry on, Brian. I'll take Albert and have a look at the shops with him.

[Maureen]

Sprightly, isn't she?

[Brian Archer]

Sprightly? She's a raving tearaway. She's got more energy than me.

[Maureen]

Are you sure?

[Brian Archer]

Well, nearly, anyway. What you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the hospital?

[Maureen]

It's all right. I'm not on duty for an hour. I was just on my way to see you.

[Brian Archer]

Oh, look at your coaters.

[Maureen]

Yes, well, it's about tomorrow.

[Brian Archer]

Ah, ah, yes. Ah, well, that is Ms. Brian. Ah, well, that is. Well. Oh, well, well, well, here's gran.

[Maureen]

Where?

[Brian Archer]

Oh, no, isn't it someone else? Look, look. Yes, no, after you.

[Maureen]

No, you first.

[Brian Archer]

No, no, no, after you.

[Maureen]

Well, Brian, the thing is, one of the girls on the ward has got flu.

[Brian Archer]

Oh, well, that's why she's in hospital, isn't it?

[Maureen]

Because she's ill. No, this girl isn't a patient, she's a nurse. Oh, I see. Yes, so.

[Brian Archer]

So.

[Maureen]

Well, so as she's ill, someone has to take over her duty and that's someone's mean. Well, I'll be working tomorrow, Christmas day.

[Brian Archer]

What? What you mean?

[Maureen]

Brian, I'm sorry. I know tomorrow meant a lot to you. Look, but I'm off on a boxing day, so we can have that together.

[Brian Archer]

Well, as it's for the national health service.

[Maureen]

Oh, Brian, you're marvelous. Oh, look at the time.

[Brian Archer]

Hey, where's Graham?

[Maureen]

She must have got fed up and gone.

[Brian Archer]

Gone where? And she's got Albert with her. Oh, no, she'll do something. Something silly. I bet she's using Albert's pram as a skateboard or something.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

What, you gran?

[Brian Archer]

Yeah, you don't know her. Oh, where can she have got to?

[Maureen]

Look, there's a policeman. He might have seen her.

[Brian Archer]

Yeah, it's worth a try. Excuse me.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Can I help you, sir?

[Brian Archer]

Yeah, you haven't seen an elderly lady pushing a pram, have you? About this high and this wide.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

The pram or the ladies?

[Brian Archer]

Huh? The lady, my granny.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

She's not a frail looking lady with.

[Maureen]

A red hat, is she?

[Brian Archer]

Cesar be sick.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Yeah, she ran the pram over my foot. And when I remonstrated with her, she told me what I could do with my foot.

[Maureen]

A lively lady, sir, with a keen sense of repartee.

[Brian Archer]

Oh, did she say where she was going?

[Maureen]

To take her grandson to see Father Christmas.

[Brian Archer]

No.

[Maureen]

That sounds like fun for Albert.

[Brian Archer]

Yeah, and for Santa Claus. Let's hope I can get there before she has the reindeers doing the cancun. Thank you, officer. See you on Boxing day. Maury.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

The angel of the Lord came down and glory shone around all glory be to God on high and. Oh, lovely. Wasn't that lovely, Albe? Right, now let's have another one Ready, Santa? How about Silent Night?

[Brian Archer]

Oh.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Oh, I do love that one. All together now, after two. One, two. Silenite. Come on, all you reindeers. Excuse me, excuse me, but you must stop this. Stop what?

[Maureen]

Well, this singing.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Who says we must?

[Maureen]

Well, I do.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

This is a department store and this is a crib you've got here. It's a bad job if you can't sing carols round it.

[Maureen]

Well, I'm sorry, madam.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Son, look, this is time of peace and goodwill. You're asking for a clout round the logos.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

I shall have to get the manager.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

You get who you like. If he can sing.

[Brian Archer]

Hello, Gran. I thought you'd be here.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Come on, Brian, just tell this young.

[Brian Archer]

What is it, chap?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Well, he says we can't sing carols.

[Maureen]

All these people, sir, they're stopping the flow of customers.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Stop your flow if you don't watch out.

[Brian Archer]

Look, I'll tell you what, how about one chorus and then we'll go.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Well, look, it's free.

[Brian Archer]

Fair enough, isn't it?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Well, if he stays with us and joins in.

[Maureen]

Well, why not?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

The spirit, lad. Right, everybody, I.

[Brian Archer]

Keep together. Keep together.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

That one. Nice, that. Nice, Albert.

[Maureen]

Well, John, thanks.

[Brian Archer]

Thanks for letting us sing.

[Maureen]

Oh, that's all right, sir. I quite enjoyed it.

[Brian Archer]

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Come on. Morning, Albert. Wakey, wakey. Merry Christmas. Albert, it's Christmas Day and here's your Christmas pillowcase. Look. Look what Father Christmas brought you. There's only one present in it, but the rest around at your grand and granddad's. There. Now take the paper off. No, no, no, Albert, don't eat the paper. The presents inside there. An elephant. And if you pull its trunk. Yeah, I've always wanted one of these. I can play with it when you're in bed. Now, let's get you up ready and go around and see your grand and granddad. Come on. Right.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

No, we're all sat down.

[Maureen]

Yes, yes, yes.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Let's get started. Brian, give us.

[Brian Archer]

Give us that car. There you are, dad.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Oh, wait, wait. Haven't you forgotten something?

[Maureen]

No, I don't think so, Gran. We've got the chicken, sausages, vegetables.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

You haven't said grace. You were always brought up from a baby to say your grace.

[Maureen]

Well, we don't usually do that, Gran.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Today's as good a day as any to start.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Do we have to?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

I'm waiting.

[Maureen]

Go on. Go on, Fred. It is special.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Well, all right. For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Amen.

[Maureen]

Very nice.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Right, you get carving, Fred, and pass the bottle opener. Brian.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Hey, Gran, you're going to have to toss up for legs. Why I didn't make chickens before legs, I'll never know.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

You get on with it.

[Maureen]

We'll Be finished in nice time for.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

The Queen's speech at the rate this chickens carving.

[Maureen]

What time is that speech, Bry?

[Brian Archer]

Three o' clock I think.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

That's right. Just after she's had her dinner.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Don't be silly, it's recording.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Of course it's not because our Brian will tell you. Go and tell him Brian.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

You don't want to listen to him. Of course it's recorded actually.

[Maureen]

Oh, you can't be sure, Fred.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Of course I'm sure. You think they're all sitting around the table having a Christmas dinner and the Queen says come on Philip, it's nearly time for speech, we'd better get washed up.

[Maureen]

No, no, I think that Charles and the others would help with that. You know, while her Majesty gets changed.

[Brian Archer]

Never heard anything like it.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Pour us a drink, Brian. Good idea.

[Maureen]

Still. Oh, it's nice to think they'll be sitting round the table having their family Christmas dinner just like us.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

I'll pour my own. Brian, pass the bottle opener.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

No. Well I don't think so. Not just like us.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Will you stop gabbing and start dishing up that chicken Fred?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

That was good. I'm full to busting.

[Brian Archer]

Oh thanks mom, it was smashing.

[Maureen]

Would Albert like a drop of this orange juice then?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

I don't know why you bother. He's too busy eating. Look at him shovel it away.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Just like you when you was a baby, only you used to.

[Brian Archer]

How about pulling the crackers? Thanks.

[Maureen]

Here you are Gran. You grab hold of that.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Oh, reminds me of the time I was on the Edmund Wick tug of war team. Hey.

[Brian Archer]

Oh look, gr. You got a funny mustache.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

I'll have a bit less of that Brian.

[Brian Archer]

In your cracker.

[Maureen]

Oh hey, hey, hey listen, I've got a riddle.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

That's the boo.

[Maureen]

No Fred, listen. What do you call a man who has seen the light?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Give up.

[Brian Archer]

Give up?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

He just said so, woman. It's the booze that does experience. He's not used to it.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Fred.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Yes Mum?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Shut up.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Yes.

[Brian Archer]

Well what's the answer?

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

I've forgotten the riddle.

[Maureen]

What do you call a man who has seen the light? Call a man who has seen answer an ARP Warden.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

That's good that is.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Hey, hey, hey. How all of them crackers?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Oh come on, stop this gassing and drink all.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Hey, while we still got some drink in the glasses and before Lil falls over, how about a toast?

[Brian Archer]

Good idea dad.

[Maureen]

Hey, what about Albert?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

He's still eating.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Right then. Glasses ready?

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

Yes sir.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

Well, I wish you all a merry Christmas.

[Narrator / Granny Archer]

A Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

[SpinQuest Disclaimer Voice]

No what is it?

[Brian Archer]

I think Albert wants some of Granny's stout. That was Albert and Me by Jim Elvidge starring Richard Beckinsale as Brian Archer with Pat Coombs as his mom and John Kermer as his dad. Also this week, Patricia Hayes featured as Gran, Celia Bannerman as Maureen and Kenneth Shanley as the store assistant. Hey. Oh, yes. Yes. And a Merry Christmas from Albert. That was Pat Coombs. Incidental music was written by Max Harris and the producer was John Fawcett. Wil.

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[Narrator / Granny Archer]

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