Albert Campion 1986-12-30 More Work For The Undertaker

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Albert Campion - More Work For The Undertaker"

Episode Overview

Title: Albert Campion 1986-12-30 More Work For The Undertaker
Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
Release Date: May 9, 2025
Description: This episode features a dramatization of Marjorie Allingham's classic detective novel, "More Work for the Undertaker." Set in post-war London, listeners are introduced to the astute and charming detective Albert Campion as he navigates a complex case involving the mysterious deaths within the eccentric Palinode family.

Plot Summary

The story unfolds in London, 1946, where Albert Campion returns from the wars to delve into a puzzling case. The Palinode family, once prominent and respected, has fallen into obscurity. Recent suspicious deaths, including that of Miss Ruth Palinode, have drawn the attention of the police. Superintendent Yeo assigns Campion to conduct discreet inquiries into the matter.

Campion collaborates with Fontaine Lugg, his loyal associate, who provides local insights and assistance. As they investigate, they uncover a web of family secrets, financial troubles stemming from failed investments in Brownie Mines, and possible motives rooted in inheritance and resentment.

Aunt Renee, the current matriarch of the Palinode household, emerges as a key figure. Her interactions with Campion reveal tension and underlying motives within the family. Additionally, characters like Jas Bowles, the undertaker, and Detective Inspector Charlie Luke add layers of complexity to the investigation.

The plot thickens as evidence points towards internal sabotage and poisoning, with connections to the mysterious Brownie Mines shares. Campion's keen observations and interactions with various suspects, including bank manager Henry James and the enigmatic Bella Musgrave, lead him closer to unraveling the truth.

In a climactic confrontation, Campion pieces together the motives and actions of the perpetrators, exposing a scheme to manipulate inheritance through poison and deceit. The resolution restores some semblance of order to the troubled Palinode family, highlighting Campion's brilliance as a detective.

Character Highlights

• Albert Campion: The protagonist, a sharp-witted and composed detective determined to uncover the truth behind the Palinode family's misfortunes.

• Fontaine Lugg: Campion's trustworthy aide, providing local knowledge and assisting in the investigative process.

• Aunt Renee: The current head of the Palinode household, whose demeanor hides deeper motivations and secrets.

• Jas Bowles: The undertaker with a potentially shady past, whose actions raise suspicions.

• Detective Inspector Charlie Luke: A less experienced police officer collaborating with Campion, bringing additional perspectives to the case.

• Henry James: The bank manager with dubious connections to the Palinode family's financial troubles.

• Bella Musgrave: An enigmatic character whose involvement hints at deeper conspiracies within the investigation.

Key Moments and Notable Quotes

1. Initial Collaboration

   • Albert Campion at [00:54]: "Oh, very pleasant. We sat in the park."
   • Establishes Campion's relationship with Mr. Oates and sets the scene for the investigation.

2. Revealing the Poisoning

   • Albert Campion at [21:14]: "What'S on your conscience, Auntie."
   • Aunt Renee hints at long-held secrets, deepening the mystery.

3. Discovery of the Empty Coffin

   • Albert Campion at [25:19]: "Oh, the ultimate reassurance."
   • Realization that the coffin is empty leads to suspicions of foul play.

4. Confrontation with Jas Bowles

   • Jas Bowles at [26:26]: "What are you Doing Stop taking?"
   • Bowles' evasive behavior raises red flags about his involvement.

5. Revelation of the Poison Source

   • Henry James at [75:16]: "She was extravagant and had mortgaged her little income."
   • Unveils the financial motives behind the poisoning.

6. Final Confrontation

   • Albert Campion at [82:07]: "Aha. Except this one, of course."
   • Campion exposes the elaborate scheme orchestrated by Henry James.

Insights and Conclusions

"More Work For The Undertaker" showcases Albert Campion's exemplary detective skills as he navigates post-war London's intricate social landscape. The episode delves into themes of greed, family loyalty, and the lengths individuals will go to secure their financial standing. The portrayal of eccentric characters and their hidden motives adds depth to the narrative, making the resolution both satisfying and thought-provoking.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Albert Campion [00:43]: "Put out my tails, will you?"

  • Highlights Campion's commanding presence and relationship with Lugg.

• Aunt Renee [21:34]: "This is Mr. Edward. No, Bowles and Son didn't know there was a fuss about that."

  • Points to internal family conflicts and hidden agendas.

• Detective Inspector Charlie Luke [05:40]: "It's gold dust these days."

  • Reflects the post-war economic sentiments impacting the investigation.

• Albert Campion [61:29]: "Letters now, do you know, I've had a thought about that."

  • Indicates Campion's analytical approach to deciphering clues.

• Henry James [75:52]: "Someone is trying to make it look like my sister Jessica."

  • Reveals the deep-seated attempts to divert blame and obscure the truth.

Conclusion

This episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio" masterfully adapts Marjorie Allingham's "More Work For The Undertaker," bringing to life the enigmatic Albert Campion and his quest for justice within a tangled web of family secrets and financial desperation. Through engaging dialogue, intricate plotting, and memorable characters, listeners are immersed in a classic detective tale that resonates with timeless themes of human nature and morality.

Transcript

[Narrator]

We present More Work for the Undertaker by Marjorie Allingham, dramatised for radio by Margaret Etor. With Frances Matthews as Albert Campion, Geoffrey Matthews as Lugg and Tim Meats as Detective Inspector Luke. The setting for More Work for the Undertaker is London 1946.

[Albert Campion]

Lug. Put out my tails, will you?

[Lugg]

Going it a bit, aren't we, now we're back from the wars.

[Albert Campion]

Yes.

[Lugg]

Who's a lucky party this time?

[Albert Campion]

Just do it, Lug.

[Lugg]

All right, Cock. Keep your hair on. My, we are short today. Did you have a nice time with Mr. Oates, then?

[Albert Campion]

Oh, very pleasant. We sat in the park.

[Lugg]

Oh, very healthful.

[Albert Campion]

Yeah, very. We watched a charming old lady in a motoring veil and six different dresses and grass in her shoes. Received sixpence from a passing Do Gooder. Apparently a daily occurrence.

[Lugg]

A simple mendicant. Blimey. Don't they give Oatsy boy anything to do at the Yard now he runs a place.

[Albert Campion]

Ah, the sister of the lady in the park died recently. What's that got to do with us? Well, she may have been helped on her way. Poisoned? Oh, yes. Yes. Oates has put Superintendent Yeo onto it and Yeo wants me to make a few discreet inquiries.

[Lugg]

Oh, was he there too, Chief? Busybodies get together, was it? Thought you was giving all that up and going to be respectable. A government island. Oh, I've got me advert written out.

[Albert Campion]

Got your what?

[Lugg]

My advert. Gentleman's gentleman seeks interesting employment. Remarkable references. Title preferred.

[Albert Campion]

I see.

[Lugg]

Yeah, well, that's about it. I can't come with you, cock. I don't want to see myself an international incident. But can't you oblige the Chief justice once?

[Albert Campion]

No, I fear not. No, but it is interesting.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

It's.

[Albert Campion]

The Palinode family are relics of a gracious past. They're odd and brainy, not the sort of get poisoned.

[Lugg]

Well, could happen to anybody.

[Albert Campion]

Yes, well, they know soon enough. They're digging the poor sister up again. Miss Ruth Palinode.

[Lugg]

Tickles your fancy, doesn't it? Can't resist it.

[Albert Campion]

As a matter of fact, Rene Roper has asked me to go and stay for a bit.

[Lugg]

Well, that nice old stage lady, how does she fit in?

[Albert Campion]

Well, she apparently now owns the house where all the Palino tribe live. Well, those are the left, anyway, so she's naturally very concerned.

[Lugg]

Yeah, what a coincidence. Must be a omen.

[Albert Campion]

No, Two crows don't make a summons, Lug. You need three for that.

[Lugg]

Move your arms.

[Albert Campion]

What's the time? I've got to ring Lord Dolloway. Before five.

[Lugg]

Oh, so it's final then? You're going to accept?

[Albert Campion]

Yes, I am.

[Lugg]

Better tell the lady wife then. Lady Amanda rang up and asked, but I said I didn't know.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Was it.

[Albert Campion]

Courtesy? Sympathy? Comfort in transit? Jazz bowels and son, the practical undertakers. 12 Apron Street West. 3 Apron street is where the Palinodes live.

[Lugg]

That is a private letter, that is. Oh, well, go on, read it if you like.

[Albert Campion]

To Mr. Maggers, Fontaine Lugg, Esquire, care of A. Campion Esquire. 12A Bottle Street, Piccadilly, Westmont. Dear Maggers, if Beattie was alive, which she is not, more's the pity, she would be writing this instead of me and the boy.

[Jas Bowles]

We was wondering this dinner time, can you get your governor to give us a bit of a hand in this palinote kick up, which you may have read of in the papers? Exhumations, as we call them in the trade, are not very nice and bad for business. Without disrespect, bring him along for a bit of tea and a joy any day, as we do not do much after 3.30 and will do less if this goes on. Remembering you very kindly and all forgotten.

[Albert Campion]

Forgotten, I hope. Yours truly, Jas Bowles.

[Lugg]

Amazing cheek, innit?

[Albert Campion]

Yes.

[Lugg]

Yeah. He's a horrible man.

[Albert Campion]

Seems to know you pretty well.

[Lugg]

He's my brother in law. Married me only sister, the poor worm Shoveler.

[Albert Campion]

I see. Yeah.

[Lugg]

During the war, that was the first war of me. Hadn't spoken to him for 30 years. Come my little trip inside, he behaved as though I took him with me. Sent back me wedding present to be and I wrote him clean off his slate. Now he pops up out of the past and asks a favour when I couldn't help him if I could bring myself to it.

[Albert Campion]

Is this a put up job?

[Lugg]

Some remarks I do not.

[Albert Campion]

Yeah, yes. When exactly did this arrive?

[Lugg]

10 minutes ago. Late post. No need to get excited. What's jazz to you anyway?

[Albert Campion]

The third crow, it seems. Oh, yeah? Yes.

[Lugg]

Shall I get his lordship for you?

[Albert Campion]

No, get me Chief Superintendent Yeo. Ah, Mr. Campion. Yeah.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

DDI Charlie Luke, sir. Superintendent Yale said I'd find you here. I'm glad to see you.

[Albert Campion]

I hope it's not as bad as that.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

That's our ration. Four doubles each.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, good.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

March looks after us here at the platelets, but she says it'll have to last the night. It's gold dust these days.

[Albert Campion]

It's very generous. Tell me, how many Palinode murders have you actually got on your hands?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Don't know of any for certain, not yet. I don't know what you've heard so far, but I'll rough it in as it's come to me. It began with Dr. Smith, a tallish old boy married to a shrew. Starts getting poison pen letters.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, yeah?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

I'll show you the filth later. But chiefly accuse him of conniving at murder. Old lady called Ruth Palano murdered, buried, no questions asked. Doc to blame. Doc gets wind up slowly. Phil's patients may be getting the same letters. I'm called in now. We go to Apron Street.

[Albert Campion]

That's the. The Ballinode house, is it?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Not yet. Street important. Narrow little way. Old brotherhood chapel. Now the Thespis Rep theater. Highbrow, harmless. One end Portminster Lodge, the Palanot house the other. The district's gone down like a drunk in 30 years and the Palanols with it. Now. A dear old variety gal turned lodging house keeper. Owns their house. Mortgage fell in. She inherited her own place. Got blitzed. So she moved over with some of her old borders and took the Palino family in her stride.

[Albert Campion]

Ms. Roper is an old acquaintance of mine. She did me a very good turn back in 36 when I was having a bit of bother with some ballet stars.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Did she, though? Then you can tell me something. Could she have written the letters?

[Albert Campion]

Well, I don't know sufficiently well to say. I should have guessed she was the last person in the world not to assign her name.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Oh, so should I. I love her. We're going on the halls, we are, but you never know, do you? Anyone else who might have written them? About 500. Any one of the duck's patients. I'll drink up, sir, and I'll give you the smell of the street. Lots of small shops, family businesses have known the Palin odes forever. On good terms with Rene. One of them's a chemist. What an emporium. Great jars of colored water in the window. Dozens of little drawers of muck. Smell of old lady's bedroom enough to knock you back. And old Par Wild in the middle of it, looking like auntie's ruin with his dyed hair and little black tie. When old Joey and pantaloon bowels dug up Ms. Ruth Palino, I must say I started thinking about POW wild. I don't. I don't mean he administered whatever it was, but I bet it came from there.

[Albert Campion]

When do you expect the analyst report?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Midnight. If it's something that could only have been criminally administered, we wake up the undertakers and dig up the brother right away.

[Albert Campion]

Well, that's the eldest brother, I take it?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Yes. Edward Palinore, age 67 at the time of his decease. Seven months ago.

[Albert Campion]

Mmm. So what is there after the chemist?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Opposite the chemist, Pa Wild. There's only that old blight of Bowels. The bank, the entrance to the Mules, which goes down to Barrow Road, and the worst pub in the world, the Footman. Portminster Lodge is on the corner. Same size as the chemist's enormous basement kitchen where Rene entertains her chums. Palanols as boarders and one or two others. Old variety turn called Clary Grace, start of the RAF and a Captain Seaton. Oh, look through there. He's in the bar now, having his weekly half pint.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, yeah.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Soldierly party over in the corner.

[Albert Campion]

Quite the dandy, isn't he?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Yes. Lives on next to nothing but keeps up appearances. He was Rene's pet boarder in her other house, so she brought him with her. He's one of the better rooms now. I think in a funny way he's enjoying all this bit of excitement, you see.

[Albert Campion]

Why don't you want to talk about the palinodes, Inspector?

[Jas Bowles]

Can't why?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Don't understand them.

[Albert Campion]

How do you mean?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Just that I don't understand what they say.

[Albert Campion]

Long words?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Not particularly, but when I read the verbatim reports, I keep sending for the stenographer to see if he's got the words right. He doesn't know either.

[Albert Campion]

I see.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

There's three of them left, I can tell you that. Mr. Lawrence, Ms. Evadne and the baby, Ms. Jessica. She's the girl with the concertina stockings who gets presents in the park. She does crosswords in Latin. I've seen them. They're not balmy, any of them. God knows why anyone should kill them. I gather you're moving in, sir.

[Albert Campion]

At once. I thought I brought a bag with me. Renee's passing me off as her nephew.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

It's good news to me. Sorry I can't give you a line on these people, Mr. Kempion, but they're old fashioned and out of the ordinary. I've got the stage where as soon as I think of them, I feel a bit faint. I'll send you word of the analyst report as soon as I get it.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, blast.

[Aunt Renee]

Who is it? Oh, it's you, ducky. Oh, come in.

[Clarence]

There.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, this is good of you. I appreciate it and I shan't forget it. Oh, now, how's your mother?

[Albert Campion]

Nicely as well as can be expected, Aunt Renee.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, but I know. Well, we mustn't grumble.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Now.

[Aunt Renee]

Come along to the kitchen, dear. Clary, I don't think you've met my nephew Albert. He's the one from Bury the knobby side of the family, dear. He's a lawyer. And one does so need one at a time like this.

[Albert Campion]

I'm glad to be here, Auntie.

[Captain Seaton]

Pleased to meet you.

[Aunt Renee]

My name's Grace.

[Clarence]

Clarence.

[Albert Campion]

Grace.

[Captain Seaton]

I don't suppose you've heard of it.

[Aunt Renee]

Sit down, ducky. I expect you're hungry and I'll find you something.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, thank you, Auntie. I've already eaten.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, are you sure?

[Albert Campion]

Oh, yes, absolutely. I had something on the train.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, well, that's a mercy anyway. Have a drop of Clarice stout then, dear, while I get on with your bed. It's quite a nice room, and no one's died in it in my time at any rate, so you needn't be nervous.

[Captain Seaton]

Have some beer.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, thank you.

[Aunt Renee]

You know, Renee's been a pal of.

[Captain Seaton]

Mine ever since I was a nipper.

[Aunt Renee]

And somehow I can't say.

[Captain Seaton]

See, you being her nephew, I should have heard of you before.

[Clarence]

I must have.

[Captain Seaton]

She's one of the very best.

[Clarence]

Really is.

[Captain Seaton]

Your own man wasn't really her brother, was he?

[Albert Campion]

Only in a manner of security.

[Clarence]

Oh, that's rich. That's Wizzo.

[Captain Seaton]

I should use that. Sure, a laugh you are.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

You're going to cheer us up.

[Aunt Renee]

Here.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Keep up your strength.

[Captain Seaton]

They can't get at the bottle stuff.

[Albert Campion]

Who? The family.

[Captain Seaton]

The pally alley's upstairs.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Roll me over.

[Aunt Renee]

You don't think Eriny or I, or.

[Captain Seaton]

Even Captain, Excuse my glove, have been going in for chemistry, do you? We're all right.

[Aunt Renee]

We've known each other for donkey's years.

[Captain Seaton]

It's the pally alleys, that's certain, but they can't get at the beer. Check the seals myself.

[Albert Campion]

I should hardly think you were all in much danger of indiscriminate poisoning. I mean, it's not as if any further attempt has been made, is it?

[Clarence]

My dear old boy, you're a lawyer.

[Aunt Renee]

You don't see the situation in a hu.

[Captain Seaton]

Of course we're all in danger. There's a killer about, isn't there? Besides, what about the brother, the first one? He died, didn't he? Last March. The police will be having him up next. They're all in it together. That's my theory.

[Albert Campion]

Well, I realise they're eccentric.

[Captain Seaton]

Eccentric? Good Lord, no. They're all number eight hats and very.

[Clarence]

Quite, quite.

[Captain Seaton]

Their old man was a sort of genius. Professor, let us after his name. Old Miss Ruth wasn't up to the family standard. She was going a bit used to forget her own name and take her plate out in public and that sort of thing. Generally thought she was invisible probably. I think the others just got together and talked it over and she couldn't make the grade.

[Albert Campion]

Where could I meet one of them?

[Aunt Renee]

Well, you could go up now, ducky, if you cared to take that tray up to Ms. Evadne for me. Somebody's got to do it.

[Albert Campion]

Dear me, what a collection.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, never you mind. That's what she has. Therehere you are. First floor, third door on the left. Clary, you can do Mr. Lawrence tonight. Take him a kettle and he can mix it himself.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Come in. Do come in. I'm just going. I'll let myself out. Ms. Pellenode.

[Clarence]

Put it here on this little table. And be careful of those glasses, if you please. They're very rare. Hair'd groom. What gars thy pipe so loud? Why bidden thy looks so snicker and so proud perde plain pears but this couth ill agree with thick bad fortune which I thwarteth thee.

[Albert Campion]

That thwarteth me good palinode is fate Eborn was peers to be unfortunate infortunate.

[Clarence]

So you're an actor?

[Albert Campion]

Of course.

[Clarence]

I ought to have known. Ms. Roper has so many friends from the stage. Tell me out of a shop.

[Albert Campion]

I'm afraid I haven't acted for some considerable time.

[Clarence]

Never mind. We must see what we can do. Now let me see what you've brought me. Oh, yes, splendid. Now tip the egg into the slip, right? Yes, go on. Straight in. Stir as you go. Don't spill it. I dislike dirty salsa. Now the sugar. Yes, that's quite right. Hand the cup to me and keep the spoon. For if you've mixed it rightly, I shall not need it. That's very nicely done.

[Albert Campion]

Good.

[Clarence]

I think I must ask you to my theatrical afternoon next Tuesday. You would like to come? Of course. It might lead to something, but I can't promise. The repertory theatre is overcrowded this year. But I'm afraid you know that.

[Albert Campion]

I believe it is a small theatre near here, isn't there?

[Clarence]

Indeed there is the Thespis. Very hard working little troupe. Some of them are quite talented and once a month they all come here to a little conversazione and we have some amusing talk. I did wonder if perhaps I should put it off next week. We've had a little awkwardness in the house. Expect you've heard of it. But on the whole I think I shall carry on as usual. The only difficulty is those wretched newspaper men. Although, in fact, they bother my brother far more than they do me.

[Albert Campion]

Yes, I think I saw your brother as I came in.

[Clarence]

Oh, no, no. That was not Lawrence. Lawrence is a rather different person. Oh, that was little Mr. James, our bank manager. I always get him to come over when I have any business. It's very little trouble for him. When you came in, I wondered if you were one of the reporters. But as soon as you capped my little piece of peel, I knew I was wrong.

[Henry James]

I've got this thing for you. I worked it out in Rough sky to the Turf, but I've mislaid it.

[Clarence]

Well, have you cornthroped?

[Henry James]

Well, of course I have. As I've always said, the foreign wheat was completely witless. What she was doing was dangerous.

[Clarence]

Does it matter now? After all the sheaves of alien corn are gathered?

[Henry James]

Yes. All the same, I had to test it. You must see that I am right. Good evening to you.

[Albert Campion]

Good evening.

[Clarence]

That was my brother, Lawrence. Oh, he is extraordinary. Extremely clever of its kind. A most ingenious mind. He prepares all the crossword puzzles for the Literary Weekly in his spare time. Although his real work is on the origins of Arthur. He has so many subjects.

[Albert Campion]

Including horse racing, no doubt.

[Clarence]

Horse racing? Oh, yes, but only on paper.

[Albert Campion]

What does corn throat mean?

[Clarence]

Oh, to search. Simply a family reference. You may take the tray now.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, thank you. Good evening, Ms. Palinote. What?

[Aunt Renee]

There's a light switch by your side, ducky.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, just. Just here.

[Aunt Renee]

I've got a letter for you.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, really? Thank you. Dear Sir Reruth Palino deceased. Analysts report to hand 030 hours this morning.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Organs contain 2/3 grain hyosin in available material, indicating much larger dose. Probably administered in form hyacinth, hydrobromide, but no evidence to show if taken subcutaneously or by mouth. Normal medicinal dose, 100th to 1-50th grain. Re Edward Bon Creighton, paranoid, deceased. Proposed to have up pronto Belvedere cemetery.

[Albert Campion]

Wills which 4:00am approximately. Cordial invitation extended. No offense taken if you cut it. C. Luke, DDI and now, what's this for? Steady my nerves, must I?

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, the whiskey's all right. Take my dying oath, it is. I've had it under lock and key.

[Albert Campion]

Did the policeman wake you? I'm so sorry. There was no great urgency.

[Aunt Renee]

No, I was about, you know. Well, I got used to pottering around at night during the war. The air raid wardens were always popping in. I want to talk to you, Mr. Campion.

[Albert Campion]

Yes.

[Aunt Renee]

First of all, I want just to tell you this. I'm absolutely on the level with you. I'm more than grateful to you, and you really can trust me. I shan't keep anything back, and I mean that. See.

[Albert Campion]

What'S on your conscience, Auntie.

[Aunt Renee]

Well, there's one little thing that's been going on for a long time, and I feel I ought to mention it, dear, just so that you don't go rooting it out and being surprised. Hello.

[Captain Seaton]

I do beg your pardons. I was passing the door and thought the room was unoccupied. My attention was caught by the shaft of light.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, go along with you. You smelt it.

[Clarence]

Come along.

[Aunt Renee]

There's a tooth glass over there. Bring it here.

[Lugg]

There.

[Albert Campion]

Ah.

[Aunt Renee]

This is Captain Seaton. Albert.

[Albert Campion]

Ah, hello.

[Aunt Renee]

Now, it's quite a good thing you've come, because you can tell Mr. Campion exactly how it was that Miss Ruth was taken ill.

[Captain Seaton]

I didn't kill the lady. On the contrary, I did what I could. I found her in the hall at half past 12. There she was, crimson in the face and shouting out what sounded like a lot of figures. But she couldn't articulate properly, so I knew she was ill, not just mad.

[Aunt Renee]

The doctor told me ages ago her blood pressure nearly broke his instrument got.

[Captain Seaton]

Her to her room, sat her in the only chair free of books and covered her over and went for the sawbones next door. He was just off to officiate at a birth of some sort and said he'd come back when he could. I came back and took another look at her and she seemed to have gone to sleep.

[Aunt Renee]

That's right, dear. When I looked in about two, she was breathing rather heavily, but I thought we'd better leave her till the doctor came.

[Albert Campion]

When was that?

[Aunt Renee]

Nearly three, and she was dead by then.

[Captain Seaton]

He said he might have thrombosis. He was expecting it. I couldn't blame him.

[Albert Campion]

Yet someone did.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, people will talk. Any sudden death makes a lot of stink.

[Captain Seaton]

At any rate, I did not kill the vulgar trollop. I had words with her. I admitted her. And I still feel I was within my rights. But once and for all, I did not kill her.

[Clarence]

Hush.

[Aunt Renee]

Don't wake the house, dear.

[Albert Campion]

Good night.

[Captain Seaton]

Many thanks.

[Albert Campion]

Good night.

[Aunt Renee]

Go bear. Silly old fool. Now all that'll have to come out. I suppose it's only because of the room. Old people are like children. They get jealous. I gave him a nice room when we came here, and Ruth always wanted it. She said she'd had it as a child. And when she found she couldn't get any change out of me, she had a go at him. That's all there was to it, really. I'm not lying, ducky. Oh, he was too Falkland to mention.

[Albert Campion]

Was that the awful secret you were going to uncover?

[Aunt Renee]

What, me and the Captain?

[Albert Campion]

Yes.

[Aunt Renee]

My dear. We've lived in the same house for nearly 30 years. You don't want a detective to find out any secret there. You want a time machine. No, no. I was going to tell you about the coffin cupboard.

[Albert Campion]

I beg your pardon?

[Aunt Renee]

Well, of course, it may not be coffins. Well, I've never seen inside.

[Albert Campion]

Suppose you tell me what you're talking about.

[Aunt Renee]

Well, I've let one of my cellars, ducky. The little ones leading off the area round by the front door and not actually in the house at all to old Mr. Bowles, the undertaker.

[Albert Campion]

What?

[Aunt Renee]

Well, he asked me as a special favour and I didn't like to refuse him.

[Albert Campion]

When was this?

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, years ago. Well, months, anyway. He's always very quiet, but, well, I thought you might possibly hear him and his son down there tonight and wonder what it was.

[Albert Campion]

Is he here?

[Aunt Renee]

Well, if he isn't, he soon will be. He popped in when you was up with Miss Evadne to say I wasn't to be nervous if I heard him moving about between three and four.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Nobody'll be it.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, no, of course they didn't bury him.

[Aunt Renee]

Mr. Edward. No, Bowles and Son didn't know there was a fuss about that. Mr. Edward had it put in his will. The thoughtless old man. Oh, he was full of smarty ideas. He lost the family their money, being so clever. Well, there you are, my dear. Now, if you hear any thumping, it's just the undertaker.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, the ultimate reassurance.

[Aunt Renee]

Are we gonna have a look? Oh, I'd never like to spy on it. It's three or four months since he.

[Albert Campion]

Came last either way. Is that them?

[Aunt Renee]

This way. We'll go in the drawing room. There's a window there, just above the cellar steps. Keep close to me.

[Albert Campion]

Good heavens, whatever is that smell?

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, that's all right. That's nothing in here. Can you hear them now?

[Albert Campion]

Yeah.

[Aunt Renee]

Shine your torch, ducky. You'll see better.

[Albert Campion]

Edward Von Cretan Palinode, born September 4, 1878. Died March 2, 1946.

[Aunt Renee]

Mr. Edward's coffin.

[Albert Campion]

Yes.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, how can it be?

[Lugg]

Ah.

[Jas Bowles]

Good evening, sir. We did not disturb you, I hope.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, think nothing of it. Wait there a moment. I want a word with you. What are you Doing Stop taking?

[Jas Bowles]

Not exactly, sir. Not exactly. Although there are likenesses. It is Mr. Campion I'm addressing, isn't it?

[Albert Campion]

That's right.

[Jas Bowles]

I'm Jazz Bowles, at your service any time of the night or day. And this is my son, Roly boy.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Here, dad.

[Jas Bowles]

I'm just taking this casket across. We hire the cellar, you see, sir. And I've had the casket in there a month or so while we was full up over the road. Now, I thought, what with one thing and another, the police and that, I'd better get her back home.

[Albert Campion]

She looks a very fine affair.

[Jas Bowles]

Oh, she is, sir. A very special job. One of our deluxe types. A casket like that would be a credit to anybody.

[Albert Campion]

Yet the man whose address is on the label had other views. Aha.

[Jas Bowles]

You saw it, sir. I'm caught and I may as well admit it. He saw your nameplate, Rolly boy. He's very fly, is Mr. Campion. I ought to have known that from all I've heard from your uncle maggers. Yes, vanity, Mr. C. That's what that their nameplate shows you the vanity of Jasper holes. There was a gentleman in this house once that me and the boy took a real fancy to. Am I right, Roly?

[Lugg]

As you say, dad.

[Jas Bowles]

Mr. Edward Palinode. A lovely name for a headstone.

[Albert Campion]

You're trying to tell me you made it on speculation, I take it.

[Jas Bowles]

Ah, I see. We can talk, you and me, sir. I've had old Maggers all the evening and I thought, well, anyone who employs you must know what's what. I thought, but I wasn't sure, you see. Yes, of course, I made it on apro, and the perishing old blighter wouldn't have it. Matter of fact, I made it to fit myself. He was no bigger than what I am. She's a lovely job. Solid oak, veneered ebony. If you'll come over to the shop in the morning, sir, I'll show her to you in the light.

[Albert Campion]

It wouldn't take me a moment to come down now.

[Jas Bowles]

No, we won't impose on you, sir. Take her along, boy. We've got to get her across the road while it's dark, sir. If you'll excuse us.

[Albert Campion]

Is Lugg with you?

[Jas Bowles]

He's in bed, sir. Good night, sir. We feel it's an honour to have met you. See you in the morning, I hope. Good night, sir. Yes, that's it about me now.

[Aunt Renee]

He's a very good man. He's thought very highly of in the street. But I never feel I can get to the bottom of him.

[Albert Campion]

I wonder what he's got at the bottom of the coffin. Oh, well.

[Aunt Renee]

But it was empty. There wasn't a body in it.

[Albert Campion]

Wasn't there? Perhaps just a little foreign body. And now, Auntie, since we appear to overcome any initial shyness and we can speak from the heart, the stink coming up from your basement can no longer be ignored. Come on, darling, tell me the truth. What's cooking?

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, get along with you. It's only old Miss Jessica. It pleases her and it doesn't hurt anybody else. But I won't have it in the daytime because she gets in the way. And, yes, there really is an awful smell. It's worse than usual tonight.

[Albert Campion]

I've got a fine old menagerie here, haven't you? What's she doing?

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, making little mucks, dear. I don't think they're quite medicine, but.

[Albert Campion]

She lives on them, eh?

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, don't you be silly, dear. Now you're making me feel quite jumpy. We've had our bit of excitement for tonight.

[Albert Campion]

Where is she? May I go and see her?

[Aunt Renee]

My dear, you can do what you like. I told you that she's quite harmless.

[Clarence]

And the cleverest of the three.

[Aunt Renee]

In one way, at least she can look after herself. Go on. You go down. Just follow your nose.

[Albert Campion]

All right. Go and get your beauty sleep.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, I need it, do I? Oh, you're laughing. Oh, you are a naughty boy.

[Clarence]

Oh, who are you?

[Albert Campion]

I'm staying here. I smelled something, so I came down.

[Clarence]

No one warned you. I suppose the inefficiency in this house is quite extraordinary. Well, never mind. I'm sorry you were disturbed. Now you know what it is. You can go back to bed.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, I don't think I shall rest. Can I help?

[Clarence]

No, I don't think so. It's not very difficult. And as a recreation, I find it amusing. Even people make a drudgery of feeding themselves. That's very ridiculous. I make it a relaxation, and I get on very well.

[Albert Campion]

I see you do. You're very alert. That doesn't suggest improper food.

[Clarence]

That's very true. Now, would you like a nice cup of nettle tea? It's quite as nice as yerba mate and very good for one as well.

[Albert Campion]

Well, thank you.

[Clarence]

Good.

[Albert Campion]

I don't quite understand, though. What are you doing?

[Clarence]

Cooking. It may seem peculiar to you that I have to do it in the middle of the night in my own home, but there's an excellent explanation for that. Have you heard of a man called Herbert Boone?

[Albert Campion]

No.

[Clarence]

There you are. You see, hardly anybody has. He wrote a book called how to live on one and six. Now, this was written in 1917, of course, nearly 30 years ago. Since then, the index figure has risen by approximately 40%. So we must translate that as roughly two and a penny. Still sounds miraculous, doesn't it?

[Albert Campion]

It does indeed.

[Clarence]

Do you do it live on two and a penny? Yes, I do, nearly. I lend you the book. It answers such a lot of people's problems.

[Albert Campion]

I should think it might. Dear me, yes. Now, what's in there, may I ask?

[Clarence]

Oh, in this tin, the thing that's been smelling rather is over there. It's embrocation for the grocer's knee. But this is broth of a sheep's jawbone, not the whole head. That's too expensive. But cooked with herbs it does. Very well.

[Albert Campion]

Look at you. Is this really necessary?

[Clarence]

Do you mean, am I so poor that I have to live like this? Or are you merely inquiring if I am mad?

[Albert Campion]

No, I'm sorry. I don't really understand at all.

[Clarence]

I have less money than the others, not because I'm the youngest, but because I trusted my elder brother to invest the greater part of my inheritance. He was a man of ideas, but he was not very practical. He lost all our money. I will not tell you my exact weekly income now, but it is counted in shillings and not in pounds.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, this is the tea, is it? Where do you get the nettles?

[Clarence]

Hyde Park. There are lots of weeds. I mean, herbs there, if one hunts for them. I made a mistake or two at first. You have to be exact, you know, with France. And I was quite ill several times. But I've mastered it now, I think. Taste it, and if you can't bear it, I shall understand. But you must read the book. Oh, Lawrence doesn't like it either, but he drinks it. And he drinks this yarrow tea I make. He's very interested, but he's more conventional than I am. He doesn't really approve of my having no use for money, although I don't know what he'd do if I had. He has none. Is all this helping you, do you think, to find out who poisoned my sister Ruth? I know who you are. You're a detective. I saw you with the other policeman in the park today.

[Albert Campion]

You must know.

[Clarence]

But I don't. I have no idea. I may as well admit I'm not ungrateful to whoever it was. You'll find that out, so I might as well tell you.

[Albert Campion]

She was very trying. Was she?

[Clarence]

Well, not very. I hardly saw her. But I had cause to fear her. You see, the Palinode family is in the position of the crew of a small boat. If one member drinks all his allotted share of water, the rest must either watch him die of thirst or share. And we haven't very much to share, even with the assistance of Herbert Boone.

[Albert Campion]

Is that all you're going to tell me?

[Clarence]

Yes. The rest you can find for yourself. It's not very interesting.

[Albert Campion]

But why?

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Why?

[Clarence]

I have no gifts. I cannot make or write or even tell. So I keep busy. You wouldn't like any more of that tea, I suppose.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Morning, sir.

[Henry James]

Laura.

[Albert Campion]

Oh. Oh, morning, Luke.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Rainey sent you tea, so I begged a cup for myself.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, thanks very much.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Officially, I'm interviewing her loyal nephew. I don't suppose that tail's going to wear, but I suppose we may as well stick to it as long as we can.

[Albert Campion]

Ms. Jessica's spotted me as a sleuth. She saw me with oats and yeo in the park.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Did she? Oh, they're not buy me any of them. Now then, sir, what are the chances of Pow wild, the chemist having a basin full of Hyosine hydro bromide in his locker?

[Albert Campion]

Oh, small. No. My impression is that it's rarely used in medicine. Of course, it earned its reputation as a poison when Crippin tried it on Bell Elmore.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

What is it?

[Albert Campion]

Henbane, I think. Really?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

What, the weed?

[Albert Campion]

Yes, I think so. It's very common.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Rose everywhere. Damn it. You could find it in the park.

[Albert Campion]

Yes, I suppose you could, but then.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

You'D have to make the muck. I better try the doc. And then I must tackle the bank manager.

[Albert Campion]

I saw him briefly last night. We've been to see Miss Evadne. Neat little.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

So that's him. Mr. Henry James. Why does that name sound familiar? Refuses to talk about client's finances unless subpoenaed.

[Albert Campion]

Ms. Ruth was spending too much before she was killed. I've got that far. Of course, Yeo says money is the only respectable motive for murder.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Well, none of these old dears has got any. They pay Renee peanuts just two or three quid a week. And Jessica only pays five bob.

[Albert Campion]

What, five shillings?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Well, she won't eat a thing except her own boil muck. I don't know how really does it. But she's got money. A lot of money. I hope she's not in something with just bowels. That would destroy my faith in women.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, no, I hardly think so. No, I mean, would she have dragged me down in the Middle of the night to catch him if she were.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

That's right. Well, shall we see the bank manager? I'd like to get there about 10 o' clock.

[Albert Campion]

All right.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Oh, by the way, this came over the blower last night. Housebreaker called Lukie Jeffries in Charlesfield Prison Infirmary, delirious. But what on earth is that whispering? Apron Street. Don't send me up Apron Street. When he's lucid, he says he's never heard of the place.

[Albert Campion]

Hmm. Do I take it he's frightened?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Seems so. But there's a note at the end. Physician reports sweating and deep agitation.

[Albert Campion]

Just like old bowels. Last night he was sweating too. Look, I'll get up.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Dear me, this is very awkward. I told you, Inspector, the bank can give no information whatever save under subpoena. And I hope to goodness it isn't going to come to that. I really do.

[Albert Campion]

Could you consider forgetting the bank for a moment? You know the Palindo family in a private capacity, don't you?

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Yes, I suppose I do.

[Albert Campion]

We'll avoid the subject of Mummy, then. Any good?

[Henry James]

We'll have to.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

What do you want to know?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

It's only routine. Ms. Ruth Palin Old was murdered.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Is that official?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Yes, but don't publish it before the inquest has resumed and over. We're the police, you know.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

You want to know how well I knew her and when I last saw her, is that it? Well, I've known her since I was a boy. And I last saw her one morning in the week she died. I've been trying to remember which, and I. I think it was the morning before the day she was taken ill.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

She came in here on business?

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Yes.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

She had an account here.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Not at that time, then.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Her account had been recently closed.

[Albert Campion]

How can I answer that? Gong. Let's get back to when you were a child. Where did you live?

[Lugg]

There.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Here?

[Albert Campion]

In this house?

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Oh, yes. There are living quarters over these offices. My father was the manager at that time. In due course I went into the head office in the city and finally, when my father died, I came here as manager. We're not a large concern as banks go, and we specialize in personal service. Most of our clients have been with us for generations.

[Albert Campion]

Are there Many other branches?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

5.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Only the head office is in Buttermarket.

[Albert Campion]

I expect you remember the Palinode family in its great days.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

I do. 35 years ago, before the Great War, this whole street was lined with carriages. The whole district used to revolve round the Palinodes. It was a great time. And they were very Great people. The furs in church, the diamonds. When Mrs. Palinode went to the theatre, the Christmas parties for those of us who were lucky enough to attend. When I came back and found them as they are now, it was a shock. A genuine shock.

[Albert Campion]

They're still very charming people.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Oh, yes. One still feels a duty to them. But my dear sir, then perhaps Edward.

[Albert Campion]

Palinode was not the businessman his father was. No. Miss Jessica tells me that her weekly income is measured in shillings.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Miss Jessica, I cannot discuss that.

[Albert Campion]

No, no, of course not. When you saw Ms. Ruth last, the day before she died. She was quite well then, was she?

[Detective Inspector Luke]

On the contrary. I thought she might be very ill. She was excitable, you know. Very overbearing and extravagant in her demands. In fact, when I heard next day, yes, I'm certain it was the next day that she'd had a stroke, I wasn't at all surprised.

[Albert Campion]

So you accepted the diagnosis without question?

[Detective Inspector Luke]

I did, I'm afraid. Absolutely, I said. Well, I'm not astonished. There's one weight off the shoulders of those poor people. I should never have seen you. I knew it.

[Jas Bowles]

There's a person to see the inspector. We don't want him in a front office, Mr. James. I send him out again.

[Albert Campion]

It's a detective.

[Jas Bowles]

He wants you in the mews, sir.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Very well.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Congreve. When did Ms. Ruth Palanoy @ last call on us? The day before she died, was it not?

[Jas Bowles]

No, it was the same day.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

No, no, I. I'm sure it was the day before. Thank you, Congreve. That will be all.

[Lugg]

What's going on out there? It's our right handed neighbour, Mr. Bowles.

[Albert Campion]

Now what's he been up to, eh? Perhaps he's gone up Apron Street. Well, he can't do that, sir, because.

[Jas Bowles]

This is Apron Street. You must be a stranger if you don't know that.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

I'll see you up, Mr. Cabin. I'm afraid old Congreve's hearing varies. He has been with us a great many years and has certain privileges. Or thinks he has. I tell you, even money isn't what it used to be.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

That's pure heresy.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

But sometimes I believe it. Good morning.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Where is a dice?

[Henry James]

It's not here, Mr. Luke. Go on, Mr. Bowles, tell us again. Where is the coffin you fetched out of the cellar at Portminster Lodge last night?

[Jas Bowles]

At number 59 Lansbury Terrace, where we're just off to now. If I'd only known you wanted to see it, Mr. Luke, I'd have cut off me right hand rather Than have used it. I'd have been obliged to oblige you.

[Albert Campion]

I would really.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Beautiful nature you've got bowse. The body is actually in it. Is it? All the relatives standing around it at this very moment.

[Henry James]

I suppose he happened to need it this morning. It happened to fit. He happened to have an accident with the one he made for a customer. He happened not to know we might be interested.

[Jas Bowles]

You put the word to me mouth, Sergeant.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

We'll just take one more look around the house if it's not inconveniencing you.

[Jas Bowles]

Now that is a pity. I can't manage it, Mr. Luke. Not unless we go down Lansbury Terrace at a gallop. And that might be misunderstood and cause bad feeling. But as luck will have it, I've got my brother in law in the kitchen. He's sitting over the fire with an heavy head. He'll be pleased to show you around and be a witness.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Very well, we'll do that. See you after the party, Bowles.

[Jas Bowles]

You didn't ought to joke, Mr. Luke. Not on this subject.

[Albert Campion]

Ah, my dear Inspector. Welcome to our humble kitchen. I saw you chatting among the crows, so I wandered round the front and through the shop. Lug says they handed him a Mickey Finn last night. Oh.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Oh, what did they dilute it with?

[Lugg]

A Guinness. And two halves are bitter. I ask you.

[Albert Campion]

Me?

[Lugg]

I went off like one of my brother in law's customers and now I feel like one. That's typical of Jas. Absolutely tip in his own house. Well, there's nothing here. I've staggered round the old tuppenny hapenny outfit and there's not a wax flower out of the place. Place? I don't know what the old hypocrite's up to, but whatever it is, it is something extra.

[Albert Campion]

Extraordinary.

[Lugg]

No, I speak English. I hope. Extra meaning something else. Something that's nothing to do with the little bit of. Now it's your turn over the road. Oh, keep it quiet if you're Christians. Like the mere flies tent this morning. Jas is up to something extra. Nothing to do with worm shovelling and nothing to do with apollynodes. We knew that, I should hope, when we got the letter from him in the first place. What he didn't realise was that my employer would make a job of it. And he certainly didn't expect me to come for a brotherly stay. Looing us down here by hinting he could tell us something. Well, he could, but it's not the lot. Ms. Ruth Palinod used to like to put a bob on an orse like anybody else might. Roly did it for her. Jazz thought it was interesting because it was secret. Ignorant persons often make that kind of mistake.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Did she ever win?

[Lugg]

Now and again. Lost in the long run, like most women do.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Yes. Well, that explains a lot. Money's tight. If one member of the family goes bust, the burden falls on the rest. How's that for a motive, though?

[Albert Campion]

No motive for murder is exactly first class. What is Jath up to, Lugg? Do you know?

[Lugg]

Not yet. Cook, give us a hour. Shifting booze, perhaps?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

What gave you that idea?

[Lugg]

Oh, it cross me. Mine, that's all. It's something heavy that has to be carried. Careful.

[Albert Campion]

All right, Olug. Keep your eyes open. I'll see you later.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Perhaps you could join me for a spotted meatloaf in the plate, Laz? About 12:30.

[Albert Campion]

Right. Good. I'll see you then.

[Lugg]

He's in a hurry. Late for a funeral, do you think?

[Albert Campion]

Oh, good morning. This is number 59. I'm afraid I'm very late.

[Clarence]

Oh, you are, sir. They've been gone over half an hour.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, now, which way? I mean, it's down there, isn't it?

[Clarence]

Well, say, it's quite a distance. You'd better take a taxi.

[Albert Campion]

Yes, yes, yes, I will. I shall know it, shall I? I mean, you know these big cemeteries. Little awkward to arrive. Wrong function, you know. Tell me, they're in limousines, are they?

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, why, you can't miss it.

[Clarence]

It's horse carriages. Very nice and old fashioned. There's a lot of flowers and a lot of people.

[Aunt Renee]

And you'll see, Mr. John.

[Albert Campion]

Yes, yes, yes, indeed. Well, I. I must hurry. I shall know it. A great many flowers on a perfectly black coffin.

[Aunt Renee]

No, sir, on an oak coffin. And rather light.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, yes.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, you'll know it, sir. Of course you will.

[Albert Campion]

Yes, yes, of course. Yes, I shall take a taxi. Thank you. Thank you. Feeling a bit better after your orgy?

[Lugg]

Very funny. I'm sure it shouldn't have happened to a dog. And there's something else funny too. I was just.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Sorry I'm a bit late, sir. We're shorthanded, what with that Greek street shooting. We've got a general call out for the gunman, but no sign of him. Did you see who's in the bar? Clary Grace. Vicar's thieves. With that old blop lip from the back.

[Albert Campion]

Congreve. They make an unlikely pair, don't they?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

A lot of relationships around here are a bit unusual, if you ask me.

[Lugg]

Yeah, like the one in the chemist's.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Oh, wild.

[Lugg]

There's a rum shop and the old corpse behind the counter. He's not ordinary. And then there she was.

[Albert Campion]

What are you talking about?

[Lugg]

That's right. Behave like an official. Don't listen and then ask. They missed something on that there island you was gonna govern. I am telling you. I went into the chemist for a pickup after my unhappy accident last night. And as I was talking to old Paragonic, in she come. Bella Musgrave. Her as used to batten on the bereaved at funerals. He'd give her a look and she gave him one. And then she went in the back.

[Albert Campion]

Sure.

[Lugg]

Yeah, it was her all right. Same black veil, same gentle eyes, full of hypocrisy.

[Albert Campion]

An extraordinary thing.

[Lugg]

She's up to something. I certain she might be his auntie. He's the kind of chap to have that kind of relation. But then again, she might not.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Who is Bella Musgrave?

[Albert Campion]

Oh, just a small time crook whom we once saw. Sent down for 18 months selling Bibles in the questionable manner. How did the doctor take your analyst report?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Oh, resigned, you know. But you remember old Miss Jessica, the girl from the park?

[Albert Campion]

Yes.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

He says she's been given the old man in the dairy cups of poppy tea for his neuralgia. The right poppy at the right time of year and he'd have been out like a light. Could detain her on suspicion. It sounds so balmy, doesn't it?

[Albert Campion]

She's not though, now I've just had a session with her solicitor. She persuaded Mr. Lawrence and Ms. Evadne to agree to his telling all about the family fortunes. She's anxious to assist as much as possible. Well, so she says. It seems they all own shares in absolutely worthless commodities. Mr. Edward apparently had a genius for unsuccessful speculation. Nothing came up. So there was a rumor that Brownie mines might have a spark in the them, but that fizzled out too. Evadne and Lawrence lost faith in him and kept £7,000 each. Jessica went on longer. Edward died worth just £75 in cash and £100,000 in various shares. Nominal value only. They've all willed their worthless shares to their friends just to show that they would have done something for them if they'd been able to.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Stroop?

[Albert Campion]

Yes. Ms. Ruth appears to have had a spiteful streak. She left her parcel of Brownie mine shares to the captain to pay him back for pinching her room.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Not worth anything, I suppose.

[Lugg]

Ah.

[Albert Campion]

A motive, you think? No, and I'm afraid not. Anyway, there's no Reason to think that he knew in advance he was going to get them.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Not much light there, is there?

[Albert Campion]

No, but I think I'll drop a line to Superintendent Yeo. He may be able to shed a little. Oh, by the way, friend, Jass has been caught out. Yeah. Yes, the Landbury Terrace affair was a perfectly respectable oak coffin. Not Mr. Edwards. Resplendent ebony, the old perisher.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

We'll get him. Never you fear.

[Albert Campion]

Now, dear Yeo. Help. There are one or two gaps at this end which need filling, if you will. One, Known associates of Lookie Jeffries Housebreaker, currently in Charleswood Infirmary. 2. What has Bella Musgrave been up to lately? Any recent convictions? The local chemist is on her visiting list. Three, Is there any henbane growing in Hyde Park? How easy is it to extract hyoscine from it? 4. What do you know about Bryony Mines? 5. What have you been looking for lately? Which is? A, five or six feet long. B, distinctive in shape. C Fragile silks are old masters in Rolls. Occur to me. But could be some delicate or illegal piece of machinery. We only ask because we want to know yours. Campion.

[Lugg]

Ah, there you are.

[Albert Campion]

Ah, look. Good. You can take this to the post. Not now.

[Lugg]

Co you want it at the chemist's. Mr. Luke sent me.

[Albert Campion]

M. What's up?

[Lugg]

Can't tell you. My lips is sealed. Come on, if you're coming.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

This is Thomas.

[Albert Campion]

What have you done? Upset the armored lessons.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

I ought to be shot.

[Albert Campion]

Struth.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

I could do it myself. Look at this little lot.

[Albert Campion]

Who is it?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Par Wild. A chemist. I wasn't even questioning him, really. I'd hardly begun. I met Lugg outside the Thespis and he told me he'd seen a van drive up here about four and take a packing case on board.

[Lugg]

That's right. It was heavy and Pa gave him a hand. Two men got up in front of the van and Bella Musgrave in her funeral clothes, hopped in her back. Didn't get a chance of a chat. They were off in double quick time, but I got the number.

[Albert Campion]

What shape was the packing case?

[Lugg]

Long and thin. I didn't see it. Close to.

[Albert Campion]

Ah. So what did you say? To Paw Wow and Luke to drive him over the edge?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

I just asked about his girlfriend and he went all coy. So I said, come off, Epa. She's just left here with her box. What's Morning. Musgrave done taken her little black bag and left you for jaspers. He began to shake. Just a minute. Mr. Luke, he said, went behind the counter. Made a noise like a pheasant and went down among the bottles. I can't believe it was necessary. The hyacinth may have come from here, but I never suspected him of administering it. He was a silly, vain old chap. Not the size for anything big.

[Albert Campion]

Perhaps it wasn't so much what he'd done as what he knew. Did you recognize either of the two men in the van Lug?

[Lugg]

One of them was a perfect stranger, that I know. But the other one looked like the ghost of Peter George. Jelf Reunion, that's what it is, Cock.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Who's Jelf?

[Albert Campion]

Ah, well, the Fuller gang was before your time, I fancy. Late twenties, remarkably untruthy. Jelf was the third in command.

[Lugg]

Hired Melufector. Them's the judge's words, not mine. Anyway, guff. They'd all been upstairs. A room with nothing in it but two hard chairs facing each other. An armchair. What Jass had sat in must have been him. Great fat dent in the cushion and a smell of them little woofsy smokes. Oh, he'd been there, I'd take my oath on it.

[Albert Campion]

Two chairs, eh? Eh, Very suggestive. The question is, what does he put in it?

[Lugg]

Put in what?

[Albert Campion]

The box which rests on the chair.

[Jas Bowles]

Mr. Campin. This is a treat, this is.

[Lugg]

Ah.

[Albert Campion]

Well. Alone, Mr. Bowles? Yes.

[Jas Bowles]

I thought the boy was here in the kitchen, but he's gone back to his work. Maggers is away. As soon as there was that tragedy over the road, he came hurrying in, said goodbye, and we haven't heard of him since. Would you sit here, sir, on my right, so I can hear you better? It's a very shocking thing. Poor Wilde. He wasn't a friend of ours exactly, but we were very close. Nodding acquaintances, as one might say. I didn't go to the inquest, but I sent Rowley out of respect. Suicide. When the balance of mind was disturbed, they brought in. Well, that's always the kindest way. We're putting him down tomorrow morning. I don't suppose there'll be a penny to come, but we shall do him with as much luxury as if we were waiting on you yourself.

[Albert Campion]

I wanted to ask you why you bothered to send for me.

[Jas Bowles]

I, sir, I sent for you. Oh, you're making a big mistake there, sir. I did no such thing. I'm glad to see you here, Mr. Campion, because I want the whole thing cleared up, and that's a fact. But no, sir, I didn't send for you, sir.

[Albert Campion]

I can see that a police inquiry wouldn't Be very good for your trade.

[Jas Bowles]

No, sir.

[Albert Campion]

No, the publicity can't be helpful. And I realize that you knew that Ms. Ruth Palinod was in the habit of putting an occasional shilling or two on a horse, but I don't think that point was strong enough to make you send for me.

[Jas Bowles]

No, Mr. Eyre. I didn't send for you, Mr. Campin. But trade is trade, and the police are the first to forget it. I do allow that. Now, there is a little something that perhaps I ought to mention. I only saw one thing that was really curious when Ms. Ruth Pallinod died. It was a very small thing. May not have had any significance, but it made me think. I saw Mr. Lawrence Palinod washing up.

[Albert Campion]

Really?

[Jas Bowles]

When was this tea time? Nearly five. Ms. Roper sent Mr. Grace over. I went up alone, all quiet and respectful, for we do tread as light as we can. I hesitated in the doorway, and there he was, washing up.

[Albert Campion]

Mr. Lawrence Pallanote?

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Yes, sir.

[Albert Campion]

In Miss Ruth's bedroom?

[Jas Bowles]

Yes. There was the dead lady covered with a sheet. And there was her brother, cool but nervous. If I make myself plain with every immortal cup or glass or spoon. The room contained out on the old fashioned washstand. He was dipping the last one into the jug as I came in. It was quite open.

[Albert Campion]

Is that all?

[Jas Bowles]

The whole truth, sir, I thought it was significant.

[Albert Campion]

Have you told anybody else?

[Jas Bowles]

No one.

[Albert Campion]

Well, it's.

[Jas Bowles]

It's some time ago. And it's only my word against his, isn't it? Could I offer you a glass of anything? Mr. Luke says I drink embalming fluid. That's only his idea of fun.

[Albert Campion]

No, thank you. I'm just going.

[Jas Bowles]

Must you let me show you out, sir? It's been an honor to have you in our humble home, Mr. Campion.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, there you are, dear. You managed to get round the crowd all right. That's right, ducky. Oh, people are so gruesome, aren't they? Oh, some of them are reporters, of course. They've gone off the Greek street shooting now that there's been another death in Apron Street.

[Albert Campion]

Yes, the vultures will gather. They weren't interested in me, I'm glad to say. Although the captain and Mr. Lawrence were having some difficulty getting through.

[Clarence]

What together?

[Aunt Renee]

They must have made it up then. Or they were having such a row earlier on. But Mr. Lawrence is never angry for long, bless him.

[Albert Campion]

I should have thought the captain's resentment would have died with Ms. Ruth.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, yes, ducky, that's all right. It sounded as though they were arguing about those horrible letters the doctor keeps getting. Oh, everybody seems so scared. And Clary's angry with me too. He says I give the family more than they pay for.

[Clarence]

What if I do?

[Aunt Renee]

I can afford it. I won't have him trying to pump old Congreve about my bank account. It is not his business.

[Albert Campion]

Of course not, Auntie.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, Albert. I do get wound up.

[Albert Campion]

I. I think I know why you do it. I was looking at Professor Palinode's portrait in the dining room this morning.

[Aunt Renee]

Ah, were you, dear? Well, don't be too clever, will you?

[Albert Campion]

As you like.

[Clarence]

When?

[Aunt Renee]

By the way, you've got a visitor. Now, he seemed quite anxious not to meet anyone, so I put him in your room. Name of Glossop, I think he said.

[Albert Campion]

Glossop? Mm. Well, the only Glossop I know is the financial adviser to the Treasury.

[Clarence]

Oh, la de da.

[Albert Campion]

I've only met him once or twice.

[Aunt Renee]

Well, I don't know, ducky. I'm sure. You'd better go up and see, hadn't you? But don't be late for supper now.

[Albert Campion]

All right, Auntie. I'll be good.

[Clarence]

Thank you so much. I'm so unpractical with electrical things. You must come to my theatrical conversation tomorrow, just after six. Don't be late. I get too tired to talk rather soon.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, you're out a lot, Sir William. I hope you've not been waiting long.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Extraordinary woman. Seemed to take me for an actor. Made me mend an electric kettle.

[Albert Campion]

Yes, yes, well, she's good at getting people to do things for her.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Is she your murderess runner up? I've been talking to Stanislaus Oates. Or rather, he's been talking to me. You put a query to Superintendent Yeo. Alarm bells rang. That is why I'm here.

[Albert Campion]

Ah.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Only four reliable people are involved, so that should be all right. Now, Campion, what exactly do you know about brownie mines?

[Albert Campion]

Oh, almost nothing. A woman who's been murdered held a number of shares. They're thought to be worthless. Some months ago, there was a rumor about them.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

It was thoroughly squashed. Now, I'm not going to commit myself because the fewer people who know about it, the better. But I'll tell you this much. Three derelict gold mines, I won't say where, of course, are suspected of yielding a certain metal of great scarcity which is in demand for the manufacture of certain items vital for this country's defense. It's now being investigated. Secrecy is absolutely vital. I tell you, if some fellow has murder to get hold of that script, then he's a crook.

[Albert Campion]

Mmm. A thoughtless chap all round. Very well. We will know nothing here, save that there is a motive in the stuff. Excellent.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Keep me posted. And you haven't seen me.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, of course. So, William, was it dark when you came in?

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Not quite. A pity, since I was so anxious we should not be seen together, that I took the trouble to find you instead of fixing a meeting at the club or in the office. But I don't think I was recognized. I'm hardly a public figure.

[Albert Campion]

No, no. Still, it would perhaps be as well if you could go down through the basement kitchen.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Basement?

[Albert Campion]

Well, you see, that way you can avoid the hordes on the floor steps. No, no, you can rely on Ms. Roper's discretion. Thank you.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

I'll do that.

[Clarence]

Goodbye, Captain.

[Albert Campion]

Goodbye. Dear Amanda, I expect you to receive my other letter by now. I don't know how much longer I shall be away. We're still largely in the dark. Though I have great confidence in Charlie Luke. It's rather like working with a human dynamo. He's very young for the job, but he will go far, I'm certain. He never lets go, you see. The best quality for a detective to have. My best. Love to Sexton Blake Jr. And to you, as always, Albert.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

It's Oakley beer.

[Albert Campion]

Ah, Luke, what a country.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

You drink pretty? I'll have a bottle. Oh, what a day. No go with Edward. Looks like natural causes. Green has been reported in France. He's one of a Greek street bear. The other one has vanished into thin air. I've got a couple of chaps going over par. Wild stock. Nothing there so far. Oh, and the docs had another poisoned letter. Oh, you can read it here.

[Albert Campion]

Thank you. Oh, dear you. Blank, blank, blank. Etc.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Etc.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, well, he could have spared him that. Blank, blank, blank. Dear me. Glass tells all, don't forget. Burn in hell. Quite a little viper, isn't she? It is she, I suppose.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Oh, yes, no doubt about it. We've had the shrinks on it.

[Albert Campion]

Well, what it all seems to boil down to is. Yes, here we are. The brother is the one who's being clever. He's got what she left to the captain, who is a poor fool. Fascinating if true.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

How come?

[Albert Campion]

Because Miss Ruth's legacy to the captain, whom she disliked, was 8,000 preference negotiable shares in a deadly secret. Sit down and listen to me break a confidence. And then I think we must have a word with Lawrence. Forensic Medicine Toxicology. Mental abnormality and crime. Good Lord, quite a library. Lawrence Palinote becomes more interesting.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Chase Me foul mouth. Frieda again. Look all by itself on the mantelpiece. Envelope as well.

[Albert Campion]

Addressed to Lawrence.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Yes. Postmarked yesterday.

[Albert Campion]

Mary worsen. Worse. She must be mad. Seems to want to insist, though. You have robbed a fool.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

We didn't go over this room when we interviewed him before.

[Albert Campion]

No.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

I may as well admit I don't understand a quarter of what he said last time. He takes me to the fair every time he opens his mouth. But why hasn't he reported this? Looks damn funny to me.

[Albert Campion]

Well, you can ask him now.

[Henry James]

Did you seek permission to come in here? I see you have a letter of mine.

[Albert Campion]

May I have it?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

You mean you wrote it?

[Albert Campion]

I.

[Henry James]

In moments of aberration, I suppose. It's an interesting theory, but hardly tenable. I have seen another like it, addressed to the doctor. It is the same handwriting. It's a woman, you know. And probably you don't find that as shattering as I do.

[Albert Campion]

Are all these library books?

[Henry James]

Most of them. I wished to read up on the subject when I read the first anonymous letter, you see. Someone on the inside must have written them. She knows so much about us.

[Albert Campion]

What made you so sure your sister Ruth had committed suicide?

[Henry James]

You are in remarkably well informed.

[Albert Campion]

You washed up every cup and glass, you see. Had it been only one, we might have been forgiven for arriving at a different conclusion.

[Henry James]

The undertaker saw me, I suppose. Ruth was extravagant and had mortgaged her little income. Hick. Vivimos ambitiosa Evani. And I taxed her with it. She went to bed very upset and died the next day. When it occurred to me that she must have poisoned herself. I rinsed the vessels in her room because I suppose I didn't want anyone else to pick up anything dangerous by mistake.

[Albert Campion]

Where did you get the poison?

[Henry James]

That really is something for you to find out. The sedge is withered. I know nothing of any details. Ruth had a faulty mathematical streak. She had an absurd system, you know. I worked it out afterwards and found it completely uncertain.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Why do you think someone inside. Inside the house wrote the letters? Many. One could have told tales to a friend in the meeting.

[Henry James]

It must be someone sympathetic to the Captain. The letters accused me of robbing him, which is ridiculous. I gave him five pounds. A lot of money for the shares. They were quite worthless and my sister Ruth left them to Seaton to annoy him, since he is so notoriously short of money. He's not one of the family and I felt it my duty to see he was not victimized. It was very tasteless of Ruth.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Would you Sell them again for a fiver?

[Henry James]

Oh, certainly not. I should never sell them. Have you finished your interrogation, Inspector?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Okay for the moment. You'll remain in the house, won't you, Mr. Palanol? Shall we go up, sir?

[Henry James]

Off to plague Seton now, no doubt. Close the door behind you, if you please.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

It's no use. The Captain's had it.

[Albert Campion]

Oh.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Must have drunk the whole bottle. One way of avoiding questioning. You'll have to sleep it off before we get a peep out of him. Here's a letter to you from the super.

[Albert Campion]

Ah, good.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

And a pile of memos for me. Nothing on Poir Wild, except that he was in debt all round. Doctor's report says undernourished. Suggests blackmail, I suppose. Could have done anything in his time. He was a chemist, wasn't he?

[Albert Campion]

Well, Yayo says Bella Musgrave hadn't stepped over the edge for years. Lucky Jeffries died without saying anymore. And an amateur couldn't make Hy Singh from Henbane.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

My chaps have turned over Bow's shop and found not a thing out of place. Except that he was sweating profusely, just.

[Albert Campion]

As he was when I went and asked why he'd sent for me. Oh, he denied it, by the way. Couldn't get rid of me fast enough. And I just caught a glimpse of old Congreve from the bank, hidden in the corner as I left.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Parlor justice as well, eh? Needs watching, that one.

[Albert Campion]

No sign of an import order for a body or anything?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

None, he says. There's no call for it nowadays. He's got a nice team of horses, though. You've seen those. And a thing called a coffin break. Like a cigar box on wheels. Nice high box seat for the driver. Must be the last one in the country. I think I go home. Miss Ruth has been poisoned. Pow Wild has done himself in. The Captain has put himself out. Jass is innocent but sweating. And we're just exactly where we always were. Don't even know who wrote the filthy.

[Albert Campion]

Letters now, do you know, I've had a thought about that. That other letter to the doctor said glass tells all. Don't forget. You got any fortune tellers on your patch.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

I ought to resign on this.

[Albert Campion]

Glass sometimes means crystal ball. And the Captain is perhaps vain enough to amuse himself with a few superstitious.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Fancies and unwittingly give out information about the family at the same time.

[Albert Campion]

Yes, of course.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

She calls herself Pharaoh's Daughter and gives readings for a tenor a time. Lives in a little dark street. Real name, God Almighty. Miss Congreve.

[Jas Bowles]

What?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Damn it, Campion. She must be that old Bloplet from the bank.

[Aunt Renee]

Sister.

[Albert Campion]

I say. Footlights.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Very pretty candles. Courtesy of Rene. Not that Miss Evadne has noticed. The soiree's upstairs. Shall I announce you?

[Albert Campion]

Formal? No.

[Jas Bowles]

No, I don't.

[Albert Campion]

Let's just go up.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

I'm not invited. I shall be in the kitchen.

[Albert Campion]

How did you get on with the dusky lady?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Pharaoh's daughter confess at 5 this morning. Did it all for the captain. Grievance against the dock. He'd snubbed her sometime. He's crying all over the cells. Congreve stepped out the back way just as we got there. But we've got a call out.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, Albert, there you are.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, hello.

[Aunt Renee]

Isn't it awful about my captain? Fancy him having his fortune told by a hook. Well, I want to mean myself, ducky. He says he didn't even guess it was her until she admitted it and threatened to post one to Lawrence when he found out she had. He sneaked upstairs in a blue funk and put himself out with a bottle I didn't even know he had. Oh, I could kill him.

[Clarence]

I really could.

[Albert Campion]

What are you doing here? Standing guard to see he doesn't get out?

[Aunt Renee]

No, to warn my friends not to drink anything. Especially the yellow stuff in the glasses. She makes it with grouse on. It has a very funny effect when you've had enough uplift, dear. Come down to the basement. Carrie's got a bit of a bar going. Oh, and by the way, Mr. Lugg's come back. He's waiting in your room.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, right. No, I've never done that. Hello.

[Lugg]

Care for a baked meat?

[Albert Campion]

What are you doing exactly?

[Lugg]

Helping cock. I come around looking for you and the old girl with a voice like a beak persuaded me to hand around. Funny mutt I'm pushing out, but I took a fancy to her.

[Albert Campion]

Mrs. Abney.

[Lugg]

Yeah, well, a Miss P. Yes, a lovely woman.

[Albert Campion]

Do you find out anything?

[Lugg]

No, not a lot. Apron street used to be a joke until about a year ago. And now no one mentions it anymore. Only bloke I could hear of who actually said he was going up Apron street was a finger called Ed Geddy. And he ain't been seen since.

[Albert Campion]

Geddy? The girl in the kiosk murder.

[Lugg]

Geddy Ashram got clean away.

[Albert Campion]

Anything else?

[Lugg]

I looked up Peter George. Gel from his little lorry. Looks quite respectable. Got a two man haulage business in Fletcherstown. Ah, piece of resistance I've kept till last. The coffin's back. What startled you, eh? Did me. I peeked through Jazzy's shed window and there it was.

[Albert Campion]

Packed flat. Do you mean it had hinges?

[Lugg]

Mike Rabb didn't see it was the right one all right. Black as a piano and as much gold on it as a commissioner's trousers. Well, let's go back to the blowout. Now, make up your mind what you're going to add. A cup of yerba mat or a small nettle pot. Yes, it's a ration. Something else as well. Smells as if it come out with the flowers in the oil. There's not a lot of cool for that.

[Captain Seaton]

Good evening, Mr. Campion.

[Albert Campion]

Nice to see you. Oh, good evening, Doctor.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Nice party.

[Albert Campion]

Yes.

[Captain Seaton]

Is your colleague about?

[Albert Campion]

No, no, no, I don't think he is. Oh, it's you.

[Clarence]

Oh, isn't this wonderful? I put a protein that grosses me and it's done him good. The doctor admits it. Don't you, Doctor?

[Captain Seaton]

Oh, well, excuse me.

[Clarence]

No, it has very little grace. He can't see, you see. But, Doctor, you do admit, don't you? Oh, here, you. I'm so pleased to see you.

[Albert Campion]

Ah, good evening, Miss Pallidos.

[Clarence]

So great a number of people.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

It's certainly a larger gathering than usual.

[Lugg]

Good evening, Mr. Camp.

[Albert Campion]

Mr. James.

[Clarence]

So you didn't bring your nice friend Sir William Glossop after all.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

Is that the Glossop of the Pavo Trust? A most brilliant man.

[Clarence]

Was he here?

[Albert Campion]

Oh, excuse me.

[Clarence]

Yes, he was waiting for this clever man and did me a little service. He did not introduce himself, but he left his hat on a chair and I read his name in it. I'm very long cycled. Adrian. Adrian. Are you thinking of recycling for us?

[Albert Campion]

I thought that was to be a.

[Lugg]

Treat for next time.

[Detective Inspector Luke]

I do hope so, for I really must not stay today. A most enjoyable evening, Miss Pallid.

[Albert Campion]

Good night. Good night. Good night.

[Clarence]

Oh, don't let that put you off, Adrian. Hardly a mind.

[Lugg]

You wanted cock.

[Albert Campion]

What?

[Lugg]

Something's happened to Mr. Lawrence. Ms. Roper says he's dying.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, poor old chap. Never mind. You're all right now, ducky. Well, how much longer have you got to go on bothering him, Mr. Lope?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

He had something quite different from the others, Campion. A different colour, different stink.

[Albert Campion]

Did he?

[Captain Seaton]

I don't want to commit myself, Luke, but I think it was something more than a purely herbal poison. The tisane probably saved his life by making him vomit. But I think he had something more.

[Henry James]

Someone is trying to make it look like my sister Jessica. There was a scrap of leaf in my glass. It was Hemlock. Classic poison. I recognized it as soon as I hooked it out. Someone is trying to suggest that Jessica poisoned Ruth and Edward. But she wouldn't be so crude.

[Captain Seaton]

No one but his maker killed your brother Edward. He had a stroke. I did the Bavinski test. It's infallible.

[Aunt Renee]

Will you see Ms. Jessica now? And Superintendent Yeo's arrived. They're in the dining room.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Come along then, sir. Look after Lawrence. Good evening, sir.

[Captain Seaton]

What have you got, Luke?

[Clarence]

Something has disagreed with Lawrence. Did you know?

[Albert Campion]

Yes.

[Clarence]

I did not make a mistake. I made a gray nettle drink and.

[Aunt Renee]

The tansy was yellow.

[Clarence]

They tell me the stuff Lawrence drank.

[Albert Campion]

Was a deep bottle green with leaves in it.

[Aunt Renee]

Really?

[Clarence]

Oh, well, then it could not have been mine. I strain everything most carefully. And I'm very fond of Laurel.

[Albert Campion]

You are very alike, aren't you? You both so much resemble your father's portrait and so oddly does Ms. Roper.

[Clarence]

Oh, so you know.

[Albert Campion]

Yes.

[Clarence]

Her mother danced, I believe. Of course, my father was a just man and provided handsomely for them. Because we are so impractical. He left Rene all his house property. Which is why we accept so much from her. Please, please be very discreet. You see, she does not know that we know. That way there is no embarrassment on either side. Oh, Inspector, is that the glass Lawrence drank from? Do be very careful with it. It is one of Evadne's cherries. She has only two left. They are old Bristol.

[Albert Campion]

Ah. I saw them in her room the first night I came. She must have been entertaining Mr. James in the time honoured manner.

[Clarence]

Oh, yes. We always give the bank manager a glass of sherry.

[Albert Campion]

Always? Yes. And does the bank reciprocate when you go there?

[Clarence]

Invariably.

[Albert Campion]

Lord, what fools. Luke, come on. You too.

[Lugg]

Yeo.

[Albert Campion]

I hope your net hasn't any hose in it.

[Captain Seaton]

I'm not going in without a search warrant. I warn you, Campion. Funny. There must be someone there. Night watchman somebody.

[Albert Campion]

Yes.

[Captain Seaton]

Then I call after him all day, but no sign. I'm trusting you, Campion. Now, what's happened?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Okay, it's luck. He's gone in through the window in a shower of glass. Oh, damn it. He's a burglar, isn't he? He'll get the door open, hop it and we'll rush in and protect the property.

[Albert Campion]

Don't listen.

[Captain Seaton]

What the hell is that?

[Albert Campion]

It's Jas. He saved us. He's going up Apron street before our very eyes. Can we get a car?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Can do.

[Captain Seaton]

I hope you know what you're doing, Campion.

[Albert Campion]

Hope on governor.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Car Q23. Calling all cars. Chief Inspector Luke and pursuing black horse drawn vehicle with single passenger driver. Technical name Coffin Break. Repeat, Coffin Break. Last seen Barrel Road west, proceeding north. Inform all call points. Over.

[Albert Campion]

It's imperative we get to him before he stops.

[Captain Seaton]

If you say so. Where's he going?

[Albert Campion]

I think to Fletcher's Town. Peter George Jelf has a haulage business there.

[Captain Seaton]

Yes, that's a coincidence. One of my men ran into him by chance on Euston Station yesterday.

[Albert Campion]

What?

[Captain Seaton]

Well, it looked legit, but he glanced into the van out of force of habit and the only thing he had aboard was a packing case marked Conjurer's Stalls.

[Albert Campion]

Ah, so that's it. I wondered how they got the coffin back. Central control calling car Q23. Black horse drawn vehicle thought to be Coffin Break seen corner of Greater X Road and Findlay Avenue northwest. Proceeding north up Findlay Avenue at fair speed. Over.

[Captain Seaton]

He's shifting his round to park already. Down here, driver. We're cutting off. Dammit. We've lost him. I'd have sworn he had to come this way.

[Albert Campion]

Let me out. He won't risk going on. He'll unload. He'll get away with it. Calling car Q23. Message for Chief Inspector Luke. Attention. Joseph Congreve, 51B Terry Street West. Found dangerously ill following murderous attack. Locked in cupboard upstairs room. Apron street. Branch cross bank.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Over Apron Street. He's in Apron Street. What in hell are we doing here?

[Albert Campion]

Quick. Not the road.

[Lugg]

Mr. Luke.

[Jas Bowles]

Your car hasn't broken down, I hope?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Get down, Bowles.

[Jas Bowles]

Certainly, Mr. Luke, sir. But I'm on my lawful account.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Tell it all at the station. Get down.

[Jas Bowles]

As you say, Mr. Luke.

[Albert Campion]

Well, this isn't like you.

[Jas Bowles]

Can any of you gentlemen drive? The mare's not quite like a motor.

[Captain Seaton]

No worry about that. I'll bring your horse myself. Get in the car.

[Jas Bowles]

Very good, sir. I'm in your hands. Shall I go first, Mr. Luke?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Open it up, Bowles.

[Albert Campion]

Open it, Mr. Luke.

[Lugg]

I hardly expected this, sir.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Get on with it. Got a screwdriver?

[Lugg]

Of course.

[Albert Campion]

Very well.

[Jas Bowles]

Stand back, gentlemen, if you please. The gentleman died of a bad trouble. There's no need for you to run any risk.

[Lugg]

We are used to it.

[Albert Campion]

Of course.

[Jas Bowles]

There you are, sir. Hope you're satisfied. It's not really very nice.

[Albert Campion]

Wait. Died, I think you said.

[Captain Seaton]

Good Lord, what a rig. Doped but still alive.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, yes, they were all alive. Of course, that was the object of the exercise. Greener. Your Greek street bird was the one before this.

[Captain Seaton]

What is it? An escape outfit.

[Albert Campion]

Yes, rather a good one. Awfully well done. Courtesy, sympathy, comforting trances, in fact. They go to Ireland like this, with a mourner laid on to weep them through the customs. Bella Musgrave, no less.

[Captain Seaton]

I'll be. Who is doing it all?

[Lugg]

Him?

[Albert Campion]

No, no, that's the boss in the coffin. A genius in his way, but hopeless at murder. How he managed to kill Ms. Ruth successfully, I really don't know, Champion.

[Captain Seaton]

There's no way to give evidence. What's the first thing, man?

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Sorry, sir. His name is Henry James. He's the manager of the Apron street branch of Plus Back.

[Captain Seaton]

That's more like it. Now we're getting somewhere. Have you got to save yourself, Bowles?

[Jas Bowles]

It was done out of kindness. Put that down in writing and never let it be forgot. Hunted animals, that's how I saw them. And that's how I saw him in the finish. You couldn't understand him because you don't know Apron Street. It was changing and he wouldn't have it. He tried to stop the clock. I sympathize with that. But he didn't ought to have turned to murder. Couldn't bring myself to believe it of him, not at first.

[Albert Campion]

Yet you did, you know, because after you'd made the mistake of asking your brother in law to investigate, you were terrified that Jane should find out you'd done so.

[Jas Bowles]

Ah, you noticed old Congreve in my kitchen that night, did you?

[Albert Campion]

Oh, yeah.

[Jas Bowles]

You're very sharp, Mr. Campin, I'll say that. He came round nosing and asking funny questions. And I wasn't sure if he was doing it for James or not. So I wasn't going to speak in front of him, though. In fact, James never trusted him.

[Captain Seaton]

Seems to have planned a cosy retirement if the contents of that thing rose seemed to go by. Is there anything else we want from Bowels at the moment, Campion?

[Albert Campion]

Well, there's always Ed Geddy.

[Captain Seaton]

Geddy still the poor little girl who couldn't have blacked his eye for him. Did he get away in this conjuring cabinet too?

[Albert Campion]

Got away, but didn't quite arrive. It was Ed Geddy who gave Apron street its bad name among the fraternity. Either the drug was too powerful, the coffin too tight, or the journey too long. Ed died of the box in view of the line he took when he thought Luke was going to raise the subject. Pa Wilde must have dispensed the drug.

[Jas Bowles]

It'll be a question of proof, sir, won't it? If it's true?

[Albert Campion]

Oh, well, I think that's about It. The only query is how James knew Ms. Ruth shares in Brownie Mines were going to be worth something after all. It's just one of those top secret leaks in financial circles, I suppose. But she had told him she left them to him in her will. And he did have the opportunity to do her in almost daily. Because every time the Palanode saw their bank manager at home or in his office, they drank a glass of sherry together.

[Captain Seaton]

Get away.

[Albert Campion]

No.

[Captain Seaton]

Banks done that for 50 years.

[Albert Campion]

Aha. Except this one, of course. I should have realized sooner. It was Lawrence's green sherry glass this evening that switched on the light.

[Captain Seaton]

I didn't realize James had inherited the shares.

[Albert Campion]

No, he didn't. She'd already changed her will, so it was all for nothing. Except that he got Lawrence to buy them from the captain, hoping to take them over as security for a small personal loan. Well, that's my bet. And then he thought to clean up the whole thing by polishing off Lawrence and throwing the blame for both murders onto Jessica. But I don't know where he got the stuff from.

[Henry James]

I believe I can throw some light there, sir.

[Captain Seaton]

Yes, Dice.

[Henry James]

We got it out of old Conclave Inn Hospital. James didn't have to get the hyocene. It was there in the corner cupboard of his office, right beside the sherry and the glasses in a sealed glass box marked Poison. It had been there as a curiosity ever since the days of Crippen. Lots of people took a morbid interest about it at the time. Congreve had worked in the bank so long, he always knew about it and noticed when it wasn't there anymore and told his sister. When they read about Miss Ruth's symptoms, they put two and two together. They were proposing to blackmail James over it.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Wasn't that cupboard ever cleared out. We've had two wars since Crippen was hanged.

[Henry James]

Cleaned but not cleared, sir. It's like a drawing room piece when you get the door open, full of what you might call relics. The whole place is a bit like that. We found all the relevant papers in an antique wine cooler in his bedroom. We shall trace all his associates.

[Captain Seaton]

Excellent. Excellent. Very neatly wrapped up. I didn't think you were going to get out of this one, Campion.

[Albert Campion]

Your praise is our reward. Now, if you'll excuse me, it is past my bedtime. Good night, Luke. Call on me anytime.

[DDI Charlie Luke]

Oh, I will. Next time you'll get a wire, if not an escort. Good night. And thanks.

[Aunt Renee]

Oh, and about time, too, ducky. Oh, you are a wonderful man.

[Albert Campion]

Yeah.

[Aunt Renee]

Look, here's a letter for you, dear.

[Albert Campion]

Oh, thank you.

[Aunt Renee]

It came yesterday morning and nobody thought to give it to you. Come into the kitchen, ducky, and have some coffee. Clary and Mr. Lugg have had a bottle or two, but you're not to be angry with them. It's the relief.

[Clarence]

Dear Albert, thank you for letting me know that we're not going to govern that island. I'm so glad. I've been following your case as well as I can from the newspapers, but the reports are very sketchy, I'm afraid, and I fear that any comment I might make would be so wide of the mark as to be irritating. I hope we see you very soon. Lots of love, Amanda. P S. I can't help it. Have you thought of the bank manager?

[Aunt Renee]

So shady.

[Narrator]

More work for the undertaker was dramatised to radio by Margaret Etor from the novel by Marjorie Allingham, with Frances Matthews as Albert Campion, Geoffrey Matthews as Luggage and Tim Meats as Detective Inspector Luke. Others in the cast Ronnie Roper, Jennifer Piercey, Jas Bowles, George Parsons, Jessica, Rachel Gurney, Evadne, Sheila Grant, Lawrence and Dice Manning, Wilson, James and Glossop, Philip Manicombe, Clarence and Captain seaton, Howard Gorney, Dr. Smith and Yao, Paul Nicholson and Congreve Stuart Organ. Other parts were played by James Good and Stuart Organ. The programme was directed in Bristol by Brian Miller.