
Avalon Time - Purchase of Manhattan
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Red Skelton
Are you really buying a car online on Autotrader right now?
Sam
Really?
Red Skelton
At a playground?
Child
Yeah, really. Look at these listings from dealers.
Red Skelton
Wow, your search can really get that specific.
Announcer/Advertiser
Really?
Red Skelton
And you just put in your info and boom. Cars in your budget. Mom needs a second. Honey, you can really have it delivered.
Child
Really? Or I can pick it up at the dealership.
Red Skelton
One sec, sweetie.
Child
Mommy's buying a car.
Red Skelton
I think your kid is walking up the slide again.
Announcer/Advertiser
Really?
Child
Auto trader. Buy your car online.
Announcer/Advertiser
Really?
Del King
A pack of Avalon cigarettes, please.
Ms. Stillwell
Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You'd never guess that Avalon's cost you
Announcer/Advertiser
less
Red Skelton
so why not always travel on with Avalon?
Red Foley
Good evening, friends.
Del King
Good evening. This is Del King saying welcome to Avalon Time with Red Foley, Jeanette, the Avalon chorus, and Bob Strong and his orchestra. And the only man in radio who believes there are two sides to every question. His side and the wrong side. Red Skelton.
Red Skelton
Thank you very much and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. That announcement was made by Del King. He's a peach of an announcer, too. You can tell he's a peach for that fuzz on his upper lip.
Del King
Those are nice looking shoes you have on, Skelton.
Red Skelton
Do you like them? They're genuine cowhide. In fact, they're so genuine I have to milk them twice a day. But they're comfortable, though.
Sam
Yeah.
Del King
That suit must be genuine. Cow high, too. It's kind of baggy at the knees.
Red Skelton
How are you tonight, Microphone?
Microphone
Hello, Skeleton. I heard you say last week there should be a rhyme for Avalon time, so I wrote a poem for you.
Sam
Oh, you did?
Microphone
Would you like to hear it?
Red Skelton
Yeah, I'd like to hear it.
Microphone
You're just a clown. No soul, they say. I know how that makes you feel. But really, Skelton, you must have a soul. One comes with every heel.
Red Skelton
Ah, you don't bother me, Microphone. I'm thinking of all the fun I'm going to have tomorrow in my car. Went out and do a little Sunday driving. You know what Sunday driving is? That's carbon monoxide with detours. Well, but what a place Chicago is to drive in. You stick out your hand to make a left turn and a taxi cab runs up your sleeve. I have a nice car. It's all mine, too. All I owe the guy that sold it to me is a grudge. That car is old. When I took it down to the license bureau, I had to get it upper and lower plate. I drove it up an alley the other day and one garbage can turned to the other. There's that thing I was telling you about last Sunday. I parked it near a bunch of limousines and when I came back it was panhandling. Parked. I have a lot of fun in my car though. It's a nice one too. It has real knee action. Every time you hit a bump, your knees hit your chin. Sunday driving is a little different nowadays. Back in the gay 90s, when something whizzed by you, it was a horse feeling his oath. Nowadays when something whizzes by you, it's some jackass feeling his fly. I met one of those fellows. Thanks a lot, both of you. I. I met a couple of fellas in the. In the courtroom the other day who were reckless. Well, get ahead of me back there.
Sam
The.
Red Skelton
I met a fellow in the courtroom the other day who was up for reckless driving and the judge says, I fine you a hundred dollars for driving up a one way street without any lights, going through a safety zone, hitting a pedestrian and driving while intoxicated. The guy says, wait a minute. Don't that two dollar safety sticker entitle me to any privileges? Well, I've been out here stripping gears long enough so I'll park and let Red Foley dedicate a song to my car entitled We've Come A Long Way Together. Take the wheel, Foley. You got a lot of friends out there waiting to give you the right.
Red Foley
We've come a long way
Sam
together
Red Foley
since we met on the old village green We've weathered all kinds of weather and to me you are still sweet
Sam
why
Red Foley
care if our hair turns to silver? We still have love to keep our hearts aglow We've come a long way
Sam
together
Red Foley
and we still have a long way to go.
Sam
Sam.
Red Foley
Turns to silver we still have love to keep our hearts aglow We've come
Red Skelton
a long way
Sam
together
Red Foley
and we still have a long way to go.
Del King
Friends, you ever find yourself a little short of cash and borrow a dollar from some good friend? I know I have. And if you have too, then you know the value of a dollar. Well, just think this over for a minute. You can save many, many dollars every year by switching to Avalon's, the quality cigarette that costs 3 to 5 cents less than other popular price brands. Yes, that repeated and consistent saving of 3 to 5 cents on every pack of cigarettes you smoke turns into real money in a surprisingly short time. Now, friends, you have everything to gain in Avalons. For in addition to this big saving, you still get a superior quality cigarette. Avalons are 100% union made from an unsurpassed blend of the finest turkish and domestic tobacco. You'd never guess they cost you less. Supreme quality, outstanding economy avalons are certainly worth the trial. Why not get a pack tonight,
Sam
Sam?
Grainger Announcer
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Announcer/Advertiser
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Red Skelton
Strong and the boys playing Alice Holiday. Boy, what a band they played. Three little fishies so realistic that two college boys came in wearing napkins. What a band.
Grainger Announcer
What a fan.
Red Skelton
Well, I'm glad you like the band, Skinny. What do you mean, Skinny?
Sam
Why?
Red Skelton
Your face is so thin. It's only got one side to it. Where you going? Oh, while I was playing, I just happened to remember something. Wasn't a tune by any chance, was it? No, I haven't had my five minutes off for a smoke. Well, I'll be seeing you later, Skinny. Yeah, Skinny. That guy may be a maestro to some people, but he's a rat's throat to me. Say, Del, I'm trying to start a vacation service bureau. So you follow Bob Strong and tell me what he smokes.
Sam
Weed.
Del King
I don't want to be an informer.
Red Skelton
Red Then get off that stool pigeon. Go shadow him, will you?
Del King
Well, now, listen. Suppose he doesn't smoke Avalon?
Red Skelton
He wouldn't dare. Go on, now. Get going.
Del King
Okay, skinny pants.
Red Skelton
Why is everybody calling me skinny? I ain't so thin.
Ms. Stillwell
Then how come I can see daylight through your ears?
Red Skelton
Ah, Ms. Stillwell. Say, I'm. Let's get down to business. I'm starting a Skelton Vacation and Travel Bureau, and if anybody calls up, it's for me.
Ms. Stillwell
Why don't you get an office?
Red Skelton
My office is my hat.
Ms. Stillwell
Oh, and a vacant loft.
Child
Yeah.
Red Skelton
Say, you look nice tonight. You know, I like you.
Ms. Stillwell
Yes, but would you like me if I were old and ugly?
Red Skelton
Well, don't I. I mean, Celibo. You better take that.
Ms. Stillwell
Hello, this is Skeleton Vacation Service. We cook your tours. Yes, just a moment, please. A lady wants to know if you can arrange an overnight airplane trip to California.
Red Skelton
Nah, tell her no. This is no fly by night concern. Hang up one over there, will you?
Sam
Kind of.
Red Skelton
Hiya there, Skelton. Hiya, Red Bully. Say, how you feeling? Oh, feeling full of pep and raring to go on a vacation. I can fix that for you, boy. I've started a vacation service here, and I'll send you on a vacation. It'll fill you so full of vitality, you'll be all worn out from carrying her around. How would you like to go to Rappaport's by the sea? Oh, I don't think I'd like to. It's a nice place. Rate's very reasonable. $5 a day. Buck and a half you argue. What do you say? Oh, I kind of got a hankering
Del King
to see the great divide.
Red Skelton
Okay, Ms. Stillwell, see what time the next boat leaves for the Great Div.
Ms. Stillwell
You dope. The Great Divide is in the United States between the Pacific coast and the Great Plains.
Red Skelton
Oh, it is? I thought the Great Divide was in Europe between two dictators. Who's there? Why not? Ain't Barnacle Bill a sailor? Thank you, Lee. Hey, I have a lot of fun here in Chicago, Hanky.
Ms. Stillwell
Have you met anybody you know?
Red Skelton
Oh, goodness, no. I haven't met anybody that even looks like anybody I know. How are you, miss? Well, after those sandwiches we had last night.
Sam
Yeah?
Red Skelton
What sandwiches? Oh, we drove out in the country to get some of those Sally Rand sandwiches. Sally Rand? Oh, you know, chicken with very little dressing. Say, Herky, how about me helping you decide where to spend your vacation? Oh, no, no, no, Mr. Skelton. I always go to Lake. Quit your belly aching. And if you like, Wildlife. You ought to go there. It made a regular caveman out of me. You look kind of anemic to me. Well, you see, I didn't come out of the cave very often. But I certainly had a lot of fun up there pitching horseshoes. Although it is kind of strenuous. Yeah, strenuous. Pitching those little shoes. Little shoes? Oh, you mean you're supposed to remove the horses? Well, I've gotta go now. I left some beans on the stove, and if I don't hurry, they might burn my beans. Good old Herky, the pink Cyclone.
Del King
I say, Skelton, you know you wanted me to find out if Bob strong smoked Avalon. Mr. Avalon was in the hall. And you know what Bob did to impress him?
Red Skelton
No, what?
Del King
He lit a whole pack of Avalons and smoked them all at once.
Red Skelton
Why, that. Show off. Anything to hold a job. Oh, here he comes now.
Sam
Look.
Red Skelton
Look at that guy strut.
Ms. Stillwell
Come on over, Bob.
Red Skelton
Yeah, come on over. Bond old Shakespeare strong. What do you mean, Shakespeare strong? Oh, he's making a play for somebody. Say, have you decided where you're gonna spend your vacation? I may not get one. You get one sooner than you think. Maybe I better put it this way. Then where are you gonna spin your layoff?
Ms. Stillwell
Are you mad at me, Bob? You didn't say hello.
Red Skelton
No, I'm not mad. How about a little kiss, Jitterbugsy? Jitterbugsy. You gonna start that kissing stuff again this week? You're gonna wear out your kisser, you don't watch out. Oh, corny Casanova, you gonna let that guy kiss you?
Ms. Stillwell
Well, who said I was? What do you think would happen if I let every man I meet kiss me?
Red Skelton
I don't know what usually happens. Well, of course, now, if you won't let me kiss you, I can't, that's all.
Ms. Stillwell
Well, how do you know? You haven't even tried yet.
Red Skelton
Are you gonna let that guy kiss you? Okay, Bob. Now about the vacation. Now, I can let you have an A tour for ten dollars. Or for five bucks, I can let you have a B tour or you can take the sea tour for $2.50. Well, look, here. Here's 50 cents. You take a detour. I'll fix you. Jeanette's gonna go to town with Don't Worry About Me from the Cotton Club Review. And you'll have to accompany her. Get. Start traveling, brother.
Sam
Start. Worry about me I'll get along Forget about me Be happy, my love let's say that our little show is over and so the story Ends why not call it a day the sensible way and still be friends? Look out for yourself should be the rule Give your heart and your love to whomever you love don't bring your. Darling. Why should you cling to some fading thing that used to be if you can forget don't worry about me. Darling why should you cling to some fighting thing that used to be if you can forget don't worry about me.
Del King
And now, friends, a few serious words about Avalon. Say, Skelton, it's the commercial I have to say here that Avalon with wee
Red Skelton
widow feedy and a mummy feedy poo.
Del King
Hey, Red, cut it out. Cut it out. What'll Mr. Avalon say?
Red Skelton
A mummy feedy fem if you take.
Del King
Listen, Skelton, this is no time for
Red Skelton
Ooh to get funny. Don't eat fem any fem all over the damn isn't isn't wet.
Del King
I gotta do a commercial.
Red Skelton
Go ahead and do the commercial.
Del King
But who is dettin me all. I can't weed stray.
Red Skelton
Listen, from hearing that song tonight on the radio lately I seem to think great either. Down in the meadow in her itty bitty puke. Cut it out.
Del King
Wed now cut it out. Now listen, Gwen. When ubai Avalon oudette detoices Turkish and domestic tobaccos that have been blended together with were killed. Aw, I can't go on.
Red Skelton
Oh, go on, girl. Go on, get there. Gives you an equi smile delightfully mild more. Who didn't wed?
Del King
Who didn't put in Furley and Doyle.
Sam
Boo.
Red Skelton
Why didn't Go ahead and tell them about it yourself then. Down in the meadow in an iter bitty pool. Stop it, Red. Stop it.
Del King
Who has got me in an awful pot a spot.
Red Skelton
Don't get that storytelled, did they? Remember, friends, avalon caught you 3-5 cm. Another popular fright friend.
Del King
Who'd never d But ever once tossed too well. So remember the next time who ask for cigarettes.
Red Skelton
Say they fem and they fem all over again. No, no, no.
Del King
Ask forever. One cigarette.
Ms. Stillwell
And don't forget your change.
Del King
Take it wet Foley, and. And sing what you done to sing.
Sam
Oh, sit.
Red Skelton
Stillness.
Del King
All that baby talk.
Red Skelton
Folks of the Avalon course I'm going to sing Tilba on the T. Go ahead and play it Bob Prong, will you?
Red Foley
There's silver on the sage tonight Sprinkled by the moon above so lie down, dogies and let me dream of the one gal I love there's silver on the sage tonight We've been on the trail all day so lie down the Geese and you drink too of the range far away of the range waiting for you where the streams never go dry and the grass sparkles with dewdrop in the meadow of the sweet by and by there's silver on the seat Sprinkled by the moon above so lie down, dogies and let me dream of the one. Of the g.
Child
You're jamming your favorite song. And while you aren't missing a beat, you could be missing a signal from your body. It's an SOS from your kidneys, and it doesn't sound like music at all. It's silent. High blood pressure, type 2 diabetes and other risk factors can quietly stress the kidneys, leading to negative impacts on the heart. That's why you should ask your doctor about a simple urine test called uacr. Most miss the signal for hidden kidney disease and related heart risk. You shouldn't visit detectthesos.com today to learn more.
Ms. Stillwell
Hello.
Janice
I'm here during the lunch rush with Janice, who owns her own food truck.
Ms. Stillwell
Best cheesesteaks in town.
Janice
Janice traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance for her food truck business. We're here where she needs us most.
Ms. Stillwell
They sure are.
Janice
We make it so easy for her to save with customized coverage that grows with her business. Sorry, I just get so emotional talking about saving folks money.
Red Skelton
Not this onion I'm chopping.
Janice
It's just so beautiful. Oh, yeah, nice.
Announcer/Advertiser
The onion.
Del King
Get a commercial auto insurance quote today@geico.com
Microphone
and see how much you could save. It feels good. To Geico.
Red Skelton
That was nice going there, Red Bully with Silver on the stage. Except for one of our gaga socks this week. It's about the purchase of Manhattan. That's the island where New York City now stands. I'll take the part of Chief Skelton, the guy who sold it to Peter Minuit. You set the scene, will you, Del, while I get my feathers on?
Del King
Okay, Red.
Red Skelton
Okay, Bob.
Del King
The time is May 13, 1626. Peter Minuit, the first governor of New Amsterdam, is about to perform his first official act, the purchase of the island of Manhattan. As the scene opens, we find him and his secretary approaching the Indian village.
Microphone
Well, I hope the Indians will be friendly.
Ms. Stillwell
Oh, they'll be friendly. Don't look so scared.
Microphone
Who's scared?
Ms. Stillwell
Well, you are, or else you're overacting the part of a pale face sissy.
Microphone
But why should I worry? The last time I was here, the big chief liked me so much, he took out an option on my scalp.
Ms. Stillwell
And this time, he might lift the option riot. We're coming into the village.
Microphone
Oh, here's the chief now. Hi, a chiefy. Hiya, Cheepy. Well, why don't you answer me?
Ms. Stillwell
That's a totem pole, you dope.
Microphone
Well, don't let it get around that a Dutchman was scared by a pole.
Sam
Shh.
Red Skelton
Here's the real end.
Microphone
Oh, hiya, redskin. I want to see the big chief. You won't see big chief walking back.
Ms. Stillwell
Certainly not. Tell him to put some clothes on.
Sam
Ug.
Microphone
What a cave.
Red Skelton
Enter TP Management not responsible for toupee.
Microphone
No, I don't think we should go in there.
Ms. Stillwell
It's all right, Peter.
Red Skelton
Come on in.
Microphone
Oh, there he is. Ay, a cheapy old boy.
Red Skelton
Old boy, old boy. How, how and how? Why you bring squaw?
Ms. Stillwell
I write shorthand.
Red Skelton
Yeah, me must chop off me squaw's hands. She write without hand, too. Laughed that up, didn't I?
Ms. Stillwell
Who's that?
Red Skelton
Him only man sick and tried.
Sam
Well, who is he?
Red Skelton
Him medicine man.
Microphone
Look, chief, we've come to buy Manhattan Island.
Red Skelton
Yeah, Medicine man make all decisions. May you ask him if we should sell islands?
Del King
Hold tight.
Red Skelton
Hold tight. Woody Akaseki.
Sam
Ugh. Ugh.
Red Skelton
Him say no. What's next? Question for how. Who buy them? Next. Drink much warned delegate from Tammany tribe.
Microphone
Keep quiet.
Ms. Stillwell
Queer people, these foreigners.
Red Skelton
Yeah, you keep quiet, too. We burn feeder minuet at steak. Make minuet. Steak. I think I look on Nick's page, see if more laughs. Indian plant corn. Indian eat corn.
Ms. Stillwell
Indian popcorn.
Red Skelton
Big chief don't like squaws. Steal punch lines. Gee, whit.
Microphone
Look, chief, I want to buy Manhattan Island. I have lots of money.
Red Skelton
What good money to Indians to buy food? Indians shoot food.
Ms. Stillwell
Buy clothes.
Red Skelton
Indians shoot clothes.
Ms. Stillwell
Have fun.
Red Skelton
Indians shoot pale face. Fail face crazy. Every time he sat down to eat. Try to stab face with stick.
Ms. Stillwell
That's a fork, you dope.
Red Skelton
White squall like British Empire. Sun never set on tongue. Taiwaga wooga, hooga tawaga.
Ms. Stillwell
Look, the medicine man's talking with his eyes closed.
Red Skelton
Yeah, him in solo conference.
Del King
Ooga tahiga Google Wooga, but fast.
Red Skelton
Are you kidding? Very strange. Medicine man have dreams. Says sell Manhattan island quick. You still want to buy quick right away, huh?
Microphone
Yes, but all I have with me is a bunch of junk. No money.
Red Skelton
Empty pockets will do.
Microphone
Okay, here's some beads and trinkets and marbles and stuff. Altogether, it's probably worth some $24.
Ms. Stillwell
Some imagination.
Red Skelton
Yeah. Me take junk, you take Ireland.
Microphone
Okay, wrap it up. And you sign right here.
Red Skelton
Mino can ride that's all right.
Ms. Stillwell
He can't read.
Microphone
Thanks a lot.
Red Skelton
Cheapy meat. Think chief hole short end of stick. Hey, wake up, Medicine man. Me kick your head. Yeah, Medicine man speak. Me translate. Medicine man say half dream of Manhattan island many moons from now. He see 1939. He see trouble for Indian if we stay here. Headlines and paper. He see Yankees mall Indian. He also Sig Dewey make it hot for Tammany tribe. A mahoga. Mahoga. Oh, no. Also dice committee. After reds a can't play feast. Big chief happy sell Manhattan. You take island. Me take ferry boat Hoboken. Two minutes. So long,
Sam
Sam.
Del King
Give you highest quality, but cost 3 to 5 cents less than other popular price brands. And when you can get Supreme Quality and Avalon for less, why pay more? So the next time ask for Avalon.
Ms. Stillwell
And don't forget your change.
Microphone
Yes. Avalon cigarettes, dear friends, cost several cents less than others. You too can say this difference.
Red Skelton
Like all of us Avalon brothers.
Microphone
Each pack is wrapped in cellophane. Each pack is union made. No wonder folks from coast to coast
Red Skelton
say Avalon's lead the parade. So why not always travel on with Avalon?
Del King
Yes, you'd never guess But Avalon's cost only $0.10 plus City or state tax.
Red Skelton
Ladies and gentlemen, Avalon Time is made possible through your loyalty to Avalon Cigarettes. And we'd like to thank you for keeping Avalon on the air. And we hope that you'll tune us in again next week. Good night and greetings to all the mothers.
Del King
The Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation presents Avalon Time each Saturday at this same time. Del King speaking. So long, everybody. Avalon Time has come to you from our Chicago studios.
Red Skelton
This is the National Broadcasting Company.
Del King
W e a f new york 9pm v u l o v a boulevard watch time.
Date: March 17, 2026
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Featured Performers: Red Skelton, Del King, Red Foley, Ms. Stillwell, and others
This episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio" presents a classic installment of Avalon Time, a variety comedy and music show from the golden age of radio, headlined by comic Red Skelton. The main comedic feature is a sketch satirizing the legendary purchase of Manhattan, with Skelton playing "Chief Skelton." The episode is rich in period jokes, musical performances, playful banter, and the recurring tongue-in-cheek promotion of Avalon Cigarettes.
[01:18-02:16] Red Skelton’s Monologue
"You stick out your hand to make a left turn and a taxi cab runs up your sleeve." — Red Skelton (02:16)
[04:25-06:19] Red Foley Sings "We've Come a Long Way Together"
[16:58-18:50] Jeanette: "Don't Worry About Me"
[21:52-23:52] Red Foley: "There's Silver on the Sage Tonight"
[24:52-30:39] The Main Comic Feature
Skelton stars as "Chief Skelton," with castmates as settlers and tribe members, retelling (and lampooning) the story of Manhattan's sale.
The sketch makes use of anachronisms, puns, and self-deprecating humor.
Memorable exchanges:
"I'll take the part of Chief Skelton, the guy who sold it to Peter Minuit." — Red Skelton (24:52)
"Old boy, old boy. How, how and how? Why you bring squaw?" — Red Skelton as Chief Skelton (27:09)
"What good money to Indians to buy food? Indians shoot food." — Chief Skelton (28:37)
The "medicine man" provides a comic prophecy of New York's future involving the Yankees and Tammany Hall politics, lampooning 20th-century New York through a 17th-century lens.
"He see Yankees mall Indian. He also Sig Dewey make it hot for Tammany tribe." — Chief Skelton (29:43)
The purchase is sealed for "beads and trinkets and marbles and stuff... probably worth some $24." (29:30)
Signature Skelton irreverence runs through the sketch, ending with:
"You take island. Me take ferry boat Hoboken. Two minutes. So long!" — Chief Skelton (30:37)
Office Gags and Travel Service
"Say, you look nice tonight. You know, I like you."
"Yes, but would you like me if I were old and ugly?" — Ms. Stillwell (12:44)
Avalon Cigarettes Commercial Parodies
Scattered throughout are spirited, often farcical ad reads mocking the overwrought style of period sponsorships.
[19:29-21:21] Skelton derails Del King's ad copy with baby talk and jokes, turning a commercial into a comic routine:
Del King: "But who is dettin me all. I can't weed stray."
Skelton: "Listen, from hearing that song tonight on the radio lately I seem to think great either. Down in the meadow in her itty bitty puke..." (19:49)
Avalon’s hallmark jingle closes out the show:
"Like all of us Avalon brothers... So why not always travel on with Avalon?" — Red Skelton (31:54)
| Segment | Timestamp | |-------------------------------------------------------------|-------------| | Red Skelton’s Opening Monologue | 01:18-02:16 | | Red Foley sings "We've Come a Long Way Together" | 04:25-06:19 | | Skelton’s Vacation Bureau skit with Ms. Stillwell | 12:22-14:18 | | Jeanette performs "Don't Worry About Me" | 16:58-18:50 | | Skelton interrupts Del King’s Avalon Cigarettes commercial | 19:29-21:21 | | Red Foley sings "There's Silver on the Sage Tonight" | 21:52-23:52 | | Comedy Sketch: The Purchase of Manhattan | 24:52-30:39 | | Avalon jingle and closing banter | 31:38-32:26 |
Avalon Time combines quick-witted, vaudeville-style wordplay, puns, and gentle satire with a playful, anything-for-a-laugh energy. The episode is filled with comic interruptions, slapstick one-liners, and musical interludes – all hallmarks of classic variety radio. While some jokes, characterizations, and references are particular to their time period, the energy is light, silly, and warm—crafted for family listening around the radio.
This episode serves as a time capsule of 1930s-40s American radio, with Red Skelton’s antics front and center. The playful lampooning of historical events and contemporary quirks, interwoven with live music and tongue-in-cheek commercials, offers an entertaining (and sometimes zany) glimpse into the style and humor of classic radio variety shows.