
Avalon Time - Talks About San Francisco
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Narrator/Announcer
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Avalon Cigarettes Announcer
A package of Avalon cigarettes, please.
Store Clerk
Yes, sir.
Customer/Assistant
Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You never guess, but Avalon's cost you less.
Del King
So find not always.
Program Host/Narrator
Good evening, friends. Good evening. This is Del King saying welcome to Athlon Time with greetings from Red Foley and the entire company. To start the show tonight, we'd like to present the only man in radio who wears suits with a built in chest, Red Skelton.
Avalon Cigarettes Announcer
Thanks a lot.
Red Skelton
Hello, everybody. Hello there, microphones. Hello there, Skelton.
Del King
Oh, you know, I heard him mention you three times in a song today.
Red Skelton
Oh, what song was that?
Del King
Tramp, tramp, tramp the boys are marching.
Red Skelton
I'm a tramp huh. Maybe that's why all my friends when I take a trip wish me a bon voyage. Oh, by the way, I have a special news bulletin. Ladies and gentlemen, New York City, New York. Grover Whalen suffers from a slight nervous breakdown. He's been working two years on a jigsaw puzzle and he got it together. It was the San Francisco World's Fair. I was out at the San Francisco World Fair. Oh, I had a lot of fun out there. Only thing was cold. In fact, the weather was so cold, well, they were serving hot dogs with mustard cups and sweaters. Sally Rann walked up to one of her girls and she says, listen, if you want to stay in this nude ranch, you'll have to take off those blue tights. Girl says, those are not blue tights. I'm cold. Boy, is that fairground big. No, I walked around so much, when I got through, my socks looked like spat. What happened to that gag?
Program Host/Narrator
Hey, Red, I've got a confession to make. Before the program it on the air tonight, I tipped the studio audience off on that gag. You thought it was so good, we thought we'd play a trick on you.
Del King
Oh, for a minute I thought I
Red Skelton
had to get a new writer,
Narrator/Announcer
but
Red Skelton
I had a lot of fun. We walked into the hall of Science and just you walk. This one's safe, isn't it? You walk in the door at the hall of Science. They have escaped. Del King got on it says you weigh 160 pounds. I got on it says you weigh 180 pounds. Bill Davis, our Argus leader, got on it says, one at a time, please. They've got another machine there. Oh, I'm telling you, it's marvelous. You drop a dollar in it and get a husband. My brother has one at the New York World Fair that's going to top that. You drop a husband in it and get a dollar. Really a lot of fun out there, though. We walked into the art building and as you walk in, there's a big statue of a guy there. He's got one arm knocked off, his eyes gouged out and his nose is punched in, his legs bent. Underneath it says, victory. Boy, I'd hate to see the guy that lost. No, the San Francisco world felt one thing nice about it, though. You won't have to be worried about pickpockets. You'll never get across that close to Alcatraz. I can stand here and tell gags all night about the World's Fair, but my allotted time has expired. I got that line off my insurance policy. So Phil Davis and the boys will play Honolulu. Hit it, Phil.
Avalon Cigarettes Announcer
Ladies and gentlemen, you'll hear this from millions upon millions of people all over the country.
Program Host/Narrator
When I can get finest quality and Avalon cigarettes and still save 3 to 5 cents on a pack, why pay more Avalons? Give me more for my money.
Avalon Cigarettes Announcer
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Program Host/Narrator
Here he is, folks, the singing star of Avalon time, Red Foley.
Red Skelton
Well, howdy, Dale. Howdy, folks, and howdy do you Red Skelton. Hello there, Red Foley. Hey, you look a little downhearted, Skelton. What's the matter? Oh, I don't know. Del King tells my gag before the broadcast. Just a few minutes ago I saw my girl with another fella. I went down the river to end it all. When I got down there, it was frozen over, so I went ice skating instead. Why, my eyes. I like old Doc Puma.
Supporting Cast Member
Yeah.
Del King
That's the glory of love.
Red Skelton
How about singing that song Red? As if though you wasn't.
Supporting Cast Member
Oh, that's it.
Del King
You got to give a little, Take a little and let your poor heart break a little. That's the story of that's the glory of love. You gotta laugh a little. Cry a little before the clouds roll by a that's the story of that's the glory of love. As long as there's the two of us. We've got the world and all its char. And when the world is through with us, we've got each other. You gotta win a little, lose a little and always have the blues a little. The story of that's the glory of love. As long as there's the two above. We've got the world and all its charms. And when the world is through with us We've got each other's arms. You've got to win a little, Lose a little. And always have the lose a little. That's the story of that's the glory of love.
Program Host/Narrator
Ladies and gentlemen, a man who has just returned from a visit to his hometown is usually a happy man because of the many slaps on the back. We now take you to the office of Slap Happy Skelton. Let's listen.
Red Skelton
Oh, I'm a happy man. To the tall, up to. Hey, you know, Ms. Stilwell, I have a very mellow voice.
Customer/Assistant
Mellow? I'd say it was rotten.
Red Skelton
Yeah. You won't insult me after I tell you of my good fortune. This morning I found a diamond ring in the bathtub.
Customer/Assistant
A diamond ring?
Red Skelton
What did you do? Put the diamond in my pocket and wipe the ring out. That's not a cheap as pleasing. Vincenz gave me that one. Yes, sir. Should have given him 20 years for that gas. Ah, Vincenzo. Nothing's changed. I was down there last week. Nothing's changed. Main Street's the same as it always was. Nothing's changed. Fifteen years ago, I ran the streets.
Customer/Assistant
I was just a little punk and nothing's changed.
Red Skelton
I wish I was in Vincenz.
Supporting Cast Member
Night.
Red Skelton
There's a big celebration right at this very minute. 160 years ago, on February 25, 1779, George Rogers Clark captured Fort Sackville and Vincenz that opened the gateway to the Middle West. Gee, I'm getting to sound like Major Bo.
Customer/Assistant
How do you know so much about history?
Red Skelton
I know plenty about history. I'll tell you something. I bet you didn't know Christopher Columbus was a Democrat. No, I'm kidding. He must have been. His project was financed by the government. Oh, geez.
Supporting Cast Member
You shine, Mr. Chilton.
Red Skelton
Yeah, I think I will have a shine. Aristophanes, what are you gonna charge me a nickel? A nickel?
Supporting Cast Member
Ain't anybody shining those big shoes of yours for a nickel. Would whitewash a bond for a quarter.
Red Skelton
Well, I'd give you more, but you'd only take it out and buy a drink.
Supporting Cast Member
Oh, no, not me. I takes it home, gives it to my mama.
Red Skelton
You do?
Supporting Cast Member
Yeah.
Red Skelton
You see, we just had another blessed
Supporting Cast Member
event in our family.
Red Skelton
Yeah. What is it, a boy or a girl?
Customer/Assistant
What else could it be?
Supporting Cast Member
Boy.
Red Skelton
She got you on that one. Yes, sir. I got to remember that.
Supporting Cast Member
How did that go?
Red Skelton
We haven't got time to go back.
Supporting Cast Member
Oh, I should like to tell that to my brothers and my sisters.
Customer/Assistant
How many are there in your family?
Supporting Cast Member
Well, there's 19 of us. Yeah, A Stark visits our house quite frequently.
Red Skelton
Visits her. He lives there. Come on now, get started on this shoes here. Come on.
Supporting Cast Member
Well, you see, usually on a job with this sort, I guess a retainer.
Red Skelton
A retainer? There's a nickel. Go ahead.
Supporting Cast Member
That Indian show don't take the daylight. Look at him blink his eyes. Now, if you don't mind, I'll just take these shoes down the basement. I do much better job when I take my time.
Red Skelton
Okay, but don't take too much time. Now. It's raining out, and I don't want to walk home in the rain barefooted. See, there's a nice fella. I think I'll have him do a little work for me around here.
Supporting Cast Member
Hell, he is boss.
Red Skelton
Yeah. What kept you so long, huh?
Supporting Cast Member
Well, I've been kind of rushed today.
Red Skelton
That didn't pay off at all, did it? Huh? Well, that's speed for you, though.
Supporting Cast Member
No occasion.
Red Skelton
I think that guy's putting me in the mood to do a little work. I think I'll hang this picture that my grandmother gave me. Picture of me when I was a kid riding on a donkey. Hey, come here, Ms. Stilwell. Take a look at this, will you?
Customer/Assistant
At what?
Red Skelton
Look, here's a picture of me when I was a kid.
Customer/Assistant
Oh, that's cute. But who's that on your back?
Red Skelton
Nothing, but. Well, come on in there, Professor. How are you, fellow? Oh, my don't get too close to me with those buck teeth. Boy, you could eat corn at 20 paces. No. How are you tonight, Professor? How are you this evening, Mr. Skelton? Well, that line's not in there, but I think I can answer it if you read it again. Well, how are you this evening, Mr. Skelton? Well, don't worry about me. Let's get gruesome and talk about you.
Program Host/Narrator
Oh, quite.
Red Skelton
But you really look great tonight, professor. You have the face of a saint. Oh, thank you. Yeah, Saint Bernard. Well, I suppose another question got you stumped.
Supporting Cast Member
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Red Skelton
Just the answer. What is hash? Hash? That's a hamburger with a nervous breakdown. Thank you so much. Do you drink milk from contented cows? Yes, I do. My seat are drinking from a bottle. A great fella. He's got a marvelous mind. No kidding. His mind developed so fast, it went straight from childhood into second childhood.
Supporting Cast Member
Shine your shoes, mister.
Red Skelton
Yeah, you were just in here.
Supporting Cast Member
Oh, yeah, that's right. Dog gone it. I just can't tell you white boys apart.
Red Skelton
Well, they didn't treat the Hoosier comedian that way in Vinzance.
Supporting Cast Member
The who?
Red Skelton
The Hoosier comedian.
Customer/Assistant
Fred Allen isn't bad.
Red Skelton
Yeah, well, I'm still tops. And Vincenz, I'll tell you that right now.
Customer/Assistant
Thompson. Vincenz. You come back here blowing off about the Chamber of Commerce, the chief of police, the crowds at the train and the mayor. I'll bet you don't even know the mayor of Vincenzance.
Red Skelton
Why is that so? Well, I'll call him up and prove it.
Supporting Cast Member
Hello?
Red Skelton
Get me Mary Taylor and Vincenz, will you? What's that he's calling me? Oh, well, how are you, Bud?
Supporting Cast Member
Bud?
Red Skelton
That's his maiden name. Yes. Bud. Yeah, I had a marvelous time, Bud. Yeah, I got the platinum medal, Bud. I got the rose, Bud.
Customer/Assistant
That's marvelous. If I weren't here, I wouldn't believe it.
Red Skelton
Wouldn't believe what?
Customer/Assistant
I wouldn't believe that anybody could talk on a phone that's been disconnected for two weeks.
Program Host/Narrator
Bob Strong said he was wild about arranging it. Bill Davis said he was wild to play it. We hope you'll be wild about it too. It's that everlasting favorite. I'm just wild about Harry. Gentlemen, here's what happens to Jeanette. After looking at you Our guess is you'd feel the same way after looking at Jeanette
Store Clerk
after looking at you
Supporting Cast Member
how
Store Clerk
can a rose look sweet to me? How can I stop the heavenly after looking at you after looking at you no other Thing could thrill my heart. No other love could fill my heart after looking at you. The mellow music of the breeze and the moonlight through the trees. Oh, what can I compare to you? To a garden in the rain a mendel can refrain. They all run back and through you.
Red Skelton
You're so different and new
Store Clerk
Here in your arms it's paradise.
Supporting Cast Member
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Store Clerk
There's no one else before my eyes. After looking at you. After looking at you.
Avalon Cigarettes Announcer
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Customer/Assistant
You know Mr. Skelton, if I could have three wishes. First I think I'd wish for some pretty clothes.
Red Skelton
Oh, you would, huh?
Customer/Assistant
Then I'd wish for that seven weeks back salary you owe me.
Red Skelton
Yeah, and then you'd wish for three More wishes. Yeah, that's right. Say the way you wish around here, you should have been Aladdin Skelton, Secretary. That's the guy with a magic lamp you wanted anything, all you had to do is rub the lamp, make a wish, and there you were.
Customer/Assistant
Boy, would I like to meet him.
Red Skelton
Yeah, I can't dig him up just for that.
Program Host/Narrator
Ah, that was in the good old Arabian days.
Red Skelton
Yeah, those Arabian nights weren't bad either.
Program Host/Narrator
Well, Red, listen. Suppose I turn back to pages of history so you can tell the story of Aladdin Skelton and his magic lamp.
Supporting Cast Member
Okay, Dale.
Avalon Cigarettes Announcer
Okay, Red.
Program Host/Narrator
The place, Baghdad, city of dreams on the Tigris river. The time, 762. And as we turn the mellow pages of the Skeleton Saga, we find Aladdin Skelton and his secretary approaching Baghdad on a magic carpet.
Red Skelton
Oh, I'm glad I am Aladdin. Da da da dee dee dee da da da Sounds a little flat, but I'm singing in Asia Minor.
Supporting Cast Member
Just made it up, Just made it up.
Red Skelton
Just made it up.
Customer/Assistant
Oh, this is, well, Aladdin Skelton. What kind of a magic carpet is this?
Red Skelton
This is a transcontinental 9 by 12.
Customer/Assistant
Is it really magic?
Red Skelton
Confidentially, the whole thing's a fake. But it carries me back and forth. So what thing even talks? Hey, rug, when do you think we'll get into Baghdad? Very soon to land.
Del King
Hang on for dear life.
Customer/Assistant
He sounds like a Chinaman.
Supporting Cast Member
I know.
Red Skelton
It's an Oriental.
Del King
Rug
Red Skelton
said that occidentally. Go ahead, find me.
Customer/Assistant
There's the Tigris river down there.
Red Skelton
Yeah.
Customer/Assistant
Hello, Tigress River.
Red Skelton
That's the Tigress Roar. Yeah, you'd roar too, if you had rocks in your bed. Well, hold on now. We're going down. Ah, it's good to be home again. How about rubbing this magic lamp and getting Alba Cadaba? Grant the magician. Oh, he's entertainer. And a great one too.
Customer/Assistant
Yes, everybody's talking about his famous horse trick. They say he can turn anything into a plot.
Supporting Cast Member
Yeah.
Red Skelton
Okay, I'll rub the lamp and get him.
Store Clerk
Greetings, guys.
Del King
Let's commercialize.
Red Skelton
Oh, well, that's Kelowna Grant. This guy's from Turkey, so I better make him feel at home and talk to him in his native tongue.
Avalon Cigarettes Announcer
And Avalon Cigarettes.
Customer/Assistant
What in the world is he talking about?
Red Skelton
I don't know. That guy's a thousand years ahead of everybody. He said something about the finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos are found in Avalon Cigarettes.
Customer/Assistant
Well, rub the lamp and get rid of him.
Store Clerk
Okay, along, guys.
Red Skelton
I'm about to vaporize. Well, let's see what's happening in the way of news. I'll rub the lamp and get allah. Wrenchel. Hello, Mr. And Mrs. Asia Minor and all the rugs afloat. News from across the water. Splash, Alabama foley. And what? 40 thieves are on their way to what city to steal what magic lamp from what dope? Who's sitting in front of me? Uh. Oh, that's news enough for me. Come on, hide that lamp. Where?
Customer/Assistant
In the ice box.
Red Skelton
I don't put it in there. That's the first place that crooked look.
Customer/Assistant
What's the matter? Are you afraid of him?
Red Skelton
Afraid? I'm not afraid. We skip five gags. Let's go back. They're good ones. I'm not as scared of Foley. Why Foley? If I'm even getting mixed up on words. Now, if he was here right now, you know what I'd say to him?
Del King
Ah, what would you say to him?
Red Skelton
Welcome to Baghdad. Listen, I ain't got any time for socializing. Give me that lamp. What lamp? Listen, if you don't produce that lamp in a hurry, I'm gonna give you 40 lashings. And that'll teach you a lashin. Yeah.
Avalon Cigarettes Announcer
Hey, Alabin Muggsy, hammer that piece of rubber hole.
Red Skelton
What are you gonna do, beat it out of me? I ain't gonna siphon it. Okay, here's my lamp, Genie.
Del King
And hand over the girl, too.
Red Skelton
Now, wait a minute. Now, you can take my lamp, but you let my secretary alone.
Customer/Assistant
Oh, shut up, Aladdin. Who's doing the robbing around here anyway?
Del King
Say, Aladdin, I got a feeling that you're gonna die.
Red Skelton
Yeah? What makes you think that? Two of my men got spears pointed at your head, huh? Oh, gee. But before my men rub you out, I'm gonna let you rub the lamp. You can have one more wish. Okay, here's the lamp. And I just make one more wish. Oh, See now?
Supporting Cast Member
Oh, I wish. I wish.
Red Skelton
Oh, I. Wandering over the face of
Program Host/Narrator
the earth Writers of music capture melodies that escape less fortunate ears. Red Foley and the Avalon Chorus. Give us one of those beautiful melodies now. When Mother Nature sings her lullaby.
Del King
Each heartache gone Many new hopes
Supporting Cast Member
When
Del King
Mother Nature sings her lullaby Sweetheart, let us wander upward to the hill where the sun is setting where it's peaceful
Program Host/Narrator
still
Del King
this day has been weary this day has been long it will be forgotten In Mother Nature's song the stars come down Lighting a deep blue sky When Mother Nature nature sings her lullaby the moon bends low Kissing each rose good night When Mother Nature sings my lullaby Our cares and all our troubles will soon be but to fly the gentle breeze of evening Will blow them through the night each heartache gone Many new hopes are born When Mother Nature sings her love.
Program Host/Narrator
Be with us next Saturday evening at the same time when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation Will again present Avalon Time. Honolulu is from the production of the same name. Dell King speaking. Good night, everybody. Avalon Time originated in the studio Radios of the Nation station. And has reached you through the National Broadcasting Company.
Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: March 17, 2026
Featured Performers: Red Skelton, Del King, Red Foley, Supporting Cast
Main Theme: A comedic and musical journey through the 1939 San Francisco World’s Fair, classic Americana, and old-time radio entertainment.
This episode of "Avalon Time" whisks listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio, featuring a mix of comedy skits, musical performances, and lighthearted banter centered around the San Francisco World's Fair and nostalgic stories about small-town America. The vibrant cast, led by Red Skelton, provides both laughs and melodies, echoing the pre-television era when families gathered around the radio.
"To start the show tonight, we’d like to present the only man in radio who wears suits with a built-in chest, Red Skelton." — Del King (00:16)
"He’s got one arm knocked off, his eyes gouged out, and his nose is punched in, his legs bent. Underneath it says, victory. Boy, I’d hate to see the guy that lost." — Red Skelton (02:03)
"One thing nice about it, though. You won’t have to be worried about pickpockets. You’ll never get across that close to Alcatraz." — Red Skelton (02:14)
"You’d never guess, but Avalons cost you less!" (00:39; throughout)
"Just a few minutes ago I saw my girl with another fella. I went down the river to end it all. When I got down there, it was frozen over, so I went ice skating instead." — Red Skelton (08:26)
"This morning I found a diamond ring in the bathtub.”
“A diamond ring?”
“Put the diamond in my pocket and wiped the ring out." — Red Skelton and Assistant (11:14-11:21)
"Christopher Columbus was a Democrat. No, I’m kidding. He must have been. His project was financed by the government." — Red Skelton (12:07-12:14)
“How can a rose look sweet to me? How can I stop the heavenly after looking at you...” (19:09)
"You can take my lamp, but you let my secretary alone!" — Red Skelton (27:17) "Two of my men got spears pointed at your head, huh?" — Del King (27:29)
“Each heartache gone, many new hopes are born, when Mother Nature sings her lullaby.” — Del King (28:17)
Del King (on Skelton’s comedic reputation):
"To start the show tonight, we’d like to present the only man in radio who wears suits with a built in chest, Red Skelton." (00:16)
Red Skelton (on the World’s Fair):
"It was the San Francisco World's Fair... Oh, I had a lot of fun out there. Only thing was cold..." (01:31)
Skelton’s quip about historical trivia:
"I bet you didn’t know Christopher Columbus was a Democrat. No, I’m kidding. He must have been. His project was financed by the government." (12:14)
Comedic observation on family size:
"How many are there in your family?"
"Well, there’s 19 of us. Yeah, a stork visits our house quite frequently." (13:01) "Visits her. He lives there." — Red Skelton (13:06)
On magic carpets and sponsor jokes:
"What kind of magic carpet is this?"
"This is a transcontinental 9 by 12." — Red Skelton (24:12)
The show is lively, affectionate, and packed with rapid-fire puns, signature shtick, and old vaudeville-style musicality. Red Skelton’s playfulness and self-deprecating humor anchor the episode, with supporting cast members riffing off his themes and brand sponsors seamlessly woven into the fabric of the comedy.
"Avalon Time – Talks About San Francisco" delivers a rich blend of classic radio humor, affectionate nostalgia, and period music. Red Skelton’s visit to the World’s Fair is the jumping-off point for sharp one-liners, rolling banter, and warmth, framed by musical interludes that balance sentiment and silliness. The show stands as a snapshot of late-1930s American entertainment: engaging, wholesome, and ever-smiling. Perfect for fans of classic radio comedy or anyone eager for a slice of yesteryear's charm.