Beulah - Hires a Boy Friend

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio — "Beulah - Hires a Boy Friend"

Date: April 4, 2026
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Theme:
A lighthearted, comedic exploration of love, jealousy, and clever schemes as Beulah seeks to reignite her boyfriend’s interest by hiring a stand-in beau, set in the classic Golden Age radio style.

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Episode Overview

This episode of Beulah centers on Beulah's frustration over her boyfriend Bill's lack of romance. To make him jealous and win his affection, she contrives a playful scheme: she hires a "boyfriend for rent." The episode unfolds with sharp banter, mistaken intentions, and slapstick results as both Beulah and Bill attempt to “test” each other's devotion—with the help of the local handyman Jack.

The narrative is driven by witty repartee, situational comedy, and subtle commentary on relationships—delivered in the show's signature, upbeat tone.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Relationship Troubles and Beulah’s Plan

• Beulah confronts Bill about always opting for “cheap dates,” mostly involving staying in and eating at home where she works.
  • “Bill Brown, you think more of your stomach than you do of me.” – Beulah (01:09)
  • Bill jokes in reply: “Well, I’ve known it longer.” (01:13)
• The breaking point: Beulah kicks Bill out, determined to find a more attentive suitor.
  • “Get out of my life and make room for a new man.” – Beulah (01:38)

2. Advice from Friends and Formulating the Scheme

• Miss Annaless counsels Beulah, warning: “When you’re in love, you have to pay the price.” (04:41)
• Beulah’s employer, Mr. Harry, suggests making Bill jealous by finding another man to date.
  • “You don’t have to be serious about this… just go out a few times, it might make Bill come to his senses.” – Mr. Harry (05:11)
• Beulah decides to enlist Jack, a local handyman who does odd jobs (window washing, babysitting), to be her “boyfriend for hire.”
  • “For my sake, he might branch out into the gigolo field.” – Beulah (05:34)

3. The "Boyfriend for Hire" Negotiation

• Beulah discusses the arrangement with Jack, who humorously offers a tiered pricing structure:
  • $10: “Very ardent suitor—plenty of attention” (07:50)
  • $7.50: “MW treatment… that’s mildly warm.” (08:07)
  • $5: “Lwam treatment—like we all married… my sit downs don’t ever help you on or off with your coat.” (08:13)
• Beulah opts for the $7.50 “mildly warm” package, but clearly establishes boundaries:
  • “The only time you’re gonna kiss me is for Bill’s benefit.” (09:08)
• Jack is gleeful about the opportunity, quipping, “The work is nice and the hours are right. This is what I call babysitting on a large scale.” (09:39)

4. Bill’s Counter-Scheme

• Unbeknownst to Beulah, Bill separately approaches Jack, asking him to pretend to romance Beulah so he can gauge her feelings.
• Jack charges Bill the same $7.50 fee, secretly entering into “double agent” territory:
  • “Way in the middle and loving every minute of it.” – Jack (11:00)

5. The Fake Date and Showdown in the Park

• Beulah and Jack meet for their staged date. Beulah: “This is the best $7.50 I ever invested.” (14:03)
• Bill finds Beulah with Jack and attempts nonchalance.
  • “You got a new hat.” – Bill (15:14)
• The situation escalates, with Jack pouring on the faux affection, prompting Beulah to exclaim:
  • “Let her have it, Bill. The man’s gonna kiss me. Don’t that make you jealous?” (16:24)
• Bill remains cool, retorting, “Not at all, baby. He don’t appeal to me.” (16:29)

6. The Reveal and Reconciliation

• It's revealed both Beulah and Bill hired Jack to make the other jealous—cracking up at being “tested”:
  • “To think that you paid Jack 75 to make love to you, and I paid him another 75 to help it along.” – Bill (17:36)
• They share a comically awkward romantic moment, with Beulah bemused by Bill’s lackluster attempt at her “final exam.”
  • “Didn't you see how Jack did it?” – Beulah (18:07)
  • “He was getting paid for it.” – Bill (18:10)

7. Jack’s Last Attempt

• Jack barges in with flowers, making one final play for Beulah’s affections:
  • “I wasn’t pretending.” – Jack (19:02)
  • Bill scolds: “Get out of here you big bum, before I knock you so flat your knee... open toes.” (19:08)
• Beulah amusingly stops the bickering:
  • “Hold on here, Bill. I do the ordering out of around here.” (19:14)
• In the end, Beulah enjoys the male attention, concluding:
  • “I don’t know what the score is, Bill, but mine is an interesting game. Play on boys.” (19:40)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Beulah, on Bill’s priorities: “Bill Brown, you think more of your stomach than you do of me.” (01:09)
• Jack, on his pay scale: “For $10 I become a very ardent suitor… for $7.50, I give you the MW treatment—mildly warm… for $5, I let you have the ‘like we all married’ treatment.” (07:50–08:13)
• Beulah, realizing the ruse: "To think that you paid Jack 75 to make love to you, and I paid him another 75 to help it along." (17:36)
• Bill, after a failed kiss: “I just remembered I don’t like stewed prunes.” (18:42)
• Beulah, delighted with the chaos: “I don’t know what the score is, Bill, but mine is an interesting game. Play on boys.” (19:40)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Beulah and Bill’s breakup: 00:30–01:45
• Beulah plots with Miss Annaless and Mr. Harry: 04:12–05:23
• Jack’s “boyfriend for hire” negotiation: 05:57–09:39
• Bill arranges the counter-plan with Jack: 09:39–11:35
• Staged date and confrontation in the park: 13:57–16:29
• The reveal and playful reconciliation: 17:18–19:20
• Jack’s final bid and Beulah’s closing quip: 19:00–19:53

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Tone and Style

The episode is filled with lively, fast-paced interplay, classic radio wordplay, and playful affection. The humor is warm, the situations cheeky, and the resolution leaves both characters' dignity and fun intact, perfectly capturing the charm of old-time radio comedies.

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Summary:
Beulah’s scheme to regain her boyfriend’s attention leads to a crisscross of comic plans and revelations. Employing a “boyfriend for hire” backfires when both sides play the same game—yet all’s well that ends with a laugh and a kiss. The episode is a delightful romp through romantic rivalry, brimming with witty exchanges and vintage radio flavor.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

I could have quit.

[C]

So that's how you got the deal. I thought it seemed mighty funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And just how did you come to make this date with me? Did you think I'd put the bill?

[B]

Honey, you paid last time. Do you think I'd let you pay again?

[C]

Well, guess not.

[B]

Guess again. I mean, let's just do something else. Something inexpensive, expensive, fun.

[C]

Like what?

[B]

Well, like sitting around your kitchen here having some laughs and some eats.

[C]

That's fun, huh? Sitting around his kitchen where I work all week long.

[B]

Well.

[C]

And eating. Bill Brown, you think more of your stomach than you do of me.

[B]

Well, I've known it longer.

[C]

Bill, listen, I'm through with you.

[B]

Oh, no, no, no.

[C]

Oh, yes. I'm gonna find a fellow that takes me out once in a while.

[B]

Now, honey, don't be hasty. Why, I'm gonna take you out real soon. When? Well, payday.

[C]

But you're not working.

[B]

You are.

[C]

That does it, miss. Get out of my life and make room for a new man.

[B]

Honey, shouldn't I stick around just in case?

[C]

Case of what?

[B]

In case you don't get one.

[C]

Don't worry, I will. And better than you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

[C]

How? What?

[B]

I said, how?

[C]

Oh, still, get out of here. Go on. For raising up on your head with this rolling table. Come back to muffin. I'll go. I'll go. How do you like a fella? How can I get a me? How does any gal get a man? Well, Bu. How do you.

[B]

Back with Bu in a moment. But right now, here's Fern Buck and the orchestra with by the River Saint Marie.

[C]

I understand, Beulah, that you and Bill had. Had another set. Oh, it's worse than that, Ms. Annaless. We had a pair of sets. For the life of me, I don't know what to do about that mess. Well, I'm sure you care for him, Beulah, because every time he's around, you get that certain light in your eyes. Yeah, I know. But after he's been around for a While things start tilting and the light goes out. Sometimes I think I might be better off without him. Well Beulah, just remember before you take any drastic action that when you're in love you have to pay the price. I'll be in the front room. When you're in love you have to pay the price. I don't mind paying the price. But even in love there ought to be a feeling. It sounds like it's so mixed up.

[B]

Hey Abula.

[C]

Yes Mr. Harry?

[B]

Aunt Alice tells me that you and Bill are having difficulties.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Well have you ever thought of making him jealous?

[C]

Oh sure.

[B]

Get yourself another boyfriend.

[C]

Another boyfriend? Yeah, I can't support the one I got now.

[B]

Well Beaulie, you don't have to be serious about this other gentleman. Just go out with him a few times and it might make Bill come to his senses. Doesn't that sound like common sense?

[C]

It not only sound like common sense, it sounds like fun.

[B]

Well haven't you a gentleman friend that you could call in this emergency?

[C]

Well let me see. There's a friend of mine that does odd jobs like window washing and babysitting. And for my sake he might branch out into the gigolo field. He runs a little business firm called. Leave it to me Jack.

[B]

Well there's your answer. Go to it.

[C]

Oh thank you sir.

[B]

Have a seat there Bula. Have a seat.

[C]

Well thank you Mr. Jack.

[B]

Be right with you. Ran into a little difficulty last night with my baby sitting job. People got mad cause I set the baby on this photograph.

[C]

On the photograph?

[B]

Yeah, it got an automatic changer.

[C]

I guess you do have your problems with them little bitty.

[B]

Yeah, but I sure do get em to eat their padlum.

[C]

Now how do you do that?

[B]

Oh, I take the spoonful of padelum first. Then I give them a spoonful. Then I take another spoonful.

[C]

It really works, huh?

[B]

Work. Last month I gained £12. Sit up there. Beulah. Did you want to see me those baby sitting?

[C]

Yes, I guess you could call it that in a way. Of course. This baby I want you to sit with is a little bigger than the babies you used to.

[B]

Oh now don't you worry about that cause I can handle it. Wait till you see me throw her over my shoulder and burp her.

[C]

Wanna bet?

[B]

What was that?

[C]

The baby I want you to sit with is me.

[B]

You? Now they showing up in king size.

[C]

I want you to be my temporary boyfriend Mr. Jackson. And make my real boyfriend Bill Brown jealous. How about it?

[B]

Yeah, I think I can manage it. That is if your pay is Right.

[C]

Well, how much is it going to cost me?

[B]

Now let me look up my rate sheet. Yeah, just a minute. Let me see. Now I get back to business. There are three of us mixed up in a deal like this. All I have is on the triangle. Let me see here. Triangles. Only thing I got under triangles is baby fitting.

[C]

I'm not gonna say.

[B]

Well, I got three rates. First rate is $10. Now, for $10, I becomes a very ardent suitor. Plenty of attention.

[C]

Well, that's a little high, but the idea ain't bad.

[B]

750. I give you the MW treatment.

[C]

MW?

[B]

Yeah, that's mildly warm. And believe me, it ain't bad at that price. Then for $5, the treatment's price, I let you have the lwam treatment. But that's not so good. Lwam treatment like we all married treatment. Don't that when I'm pretty indifferent. We rides in buses and I let you stand up. My sit downs don't ever help your honor off with your coat. When we go to the movies, I ask the usher for two single seats. All in all the public places for a married couple.

[C]

Wait a minute. Thought I heard a laugh. Lord, must have been next door. I think you better give me that 750 treatment. Mildly war.

[B]

Yes, ma'. Am. That would be 750 in advance.

[C]

Let's see now. Five, six, seven and a half.

[B]

Thank you. Now the least I can do is bind the contract with a big hug and a kiss.

[C]

Hold it a minute, Jack. The only time you're gonna kiss me is for Bill's benefit.

[B]

Listen, David, anytime I kisses you, Bill ain't gonna be the one that done a biff.

[C]

My, this man sure throws everything he's got into his work, don't he? But when is our first date?

[B]

Tomorrow night. Lambie pie?

[C]

Lambie pie?

[B]

Oh, that's all included with the 750.

[C]

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow night. My cut rate boyfriend.

[B]

Yes, that ain't bad. 750. The work is nice and the hours are right. This is what I call babysitting on a large scale. Come in. How are you, Jack? Well, Bill, I just been thinking. Don't you, boy? Yeah. I got me a problem, Jack. And seeing you the handyman in the neighborhood thought I'd come to you. Handyman is right, Bill. And the more money involved, the handier I get it. Well, this case involves a girl. Can you handle it? Good looking girl? Oh, very. I can handle it. Or maybe you know, her name is ber. Oh. Anything wrong? I just dropped the case. But all I want you to do is. I. Sorry. Pretend to make love to her. Temporarily. Oh, I. What was that? I said I pay you to pretend to make love to her. The case Done. Just been reopened. Proceed. Well, I thought I might put her to the test and see how I stand with her. I had an idea that I could make a play for her, just pretending. Of course, I could find out if she would cast me aside for somebody else. In other words, you would be the middleman. Yeah. Way in the middle and loving every minute of it. Now, how much would you charge me to go through with this? Oh, I think 750 would be a fair price. Oh, that. That's a little steep for me, Lloyd. That's the established fee. Okay. I guess I'll have to give him my rent money. Here you are. Just sent you the deal. Thank you. Lammy Pie. Lammy Pie. Sorry, wrong deal. Oh, I love these caring zones. And now, here's our lovely redheaded singing style penny Piper to sing.

[C]

A goomba chi ba chi Chihuahua why there be no. Go to sleep. All the stars are in the skies Ready to say good night can't you see your dolly sleepy too? Close your drowsy little eyes Mama will hold you tight While she sings a lullaby to you. My bambino go to sleep we're ready to say good night. Can't you see your darling sleepy Mama will hold you t While she sings a mellow lullaba Chihuahua My bambino go who sleep My bambino, won't you go to sleep. Well, it shouldn't be long before that commercial boyfriend of mine shows up. Let's take inventory here in the mirror view, see how you look mighty sharp. Thank you. That hairdo is really doing it. That must be my rebel Romeo. Now. Come here.

[B]

Good evening, lambie pie.

[C]

Hello, Jack.

[B]

Now, you look beautiful this evening. A vision of loveliness.

[C]

This is the best $7.50 I ever invested. I pray, too. Go on.

[B]

Just stand where you is, my love. I want to remember this moment always.

[C]

It just sounds good. Even when you know you're paying for it.

[B]

How about the two of us dining in a small cafe with candlelights and wine?

[C]

You think we should?

[B]

Sure, if you think you can afford it.

[C]

Well, that part of the date ain't no different than when I go out with Bill. Well, I tell you, Mr. Jack, I told Bill I'd meet him in the park. But of course, he don't know you're going to be with me, so he's going to be in for the surprise. Of his life.

[B]

Oui, oui, mademoiselle.

[C]

Well, what kind of talk is that?

[B]

The 7:50 calls for the Charles Bar treatment.

[C]

I see. Well, I'm. Turn your lower lip and let's get going.

[B]

Make a play for her. Well, I just wander up this way and. Oh, Daddy's sitting on the bench. I just stole on by him. But pretend I don't notice them.

[C]

I'm over here.

[B]

Oh, hi, Bullah. How you been?

[C]

Don't you notice anything?

[B]

Oh, yeah, you got a new hat.

[C]

I know. Bill, look at this gentleman sitting next to me. He's got his arm around him.

[B]

Sure he has. Do you know him?

[C]

Know him? Of course I know him. I met him yesterday.

[B]

You met him yesterday?

[C]

That's right.

[B]

Slow worker, ain't he, Bill?

[C]

Can't you still see he's got his arm around me?

[B]

Well, what's the matter with his other arm? Is it lame? Oh, Bill, my beautiful, nice rabbit pie. Oh, thank you, Jack. You're not so bad yourself. I would talk to this other rabbit pie. Come here. God. Just let me hold you close, honey.

[C]

Bill, look what the man's doing now.

[B]

Yeah. Got nice technique, ain't it, Bill?

[C]

Ain't you gonna do anything?

[B]

Sure. Going to take notes. You little darling. Will you marry me?

[C]

Did you hear that, Bill?

[B]

Yeah, he is quite a common session to us, ain't it, Bill?

[C]

He just asked me to marry him.

[B]

Well, just don't sit there. Answer the man.

[C]

Bill, how can you talk that way?

[B]

Allow me to kiss you, madam.

[C]

Hold on, Jack. Don't overdo it.

[B]

Well, just one little kiss, Michael, and Jack.

[C]

Let her have it, Bill. The man's gonna kiss me. Don't that make you jealous?

[B]

Not at all, baby. He don't appeal to me. Pucker up, be.

[C]

Jack. Don't you dare.

[B]

I can't help myself. You so enchanting, so lovely. Here, go. Oh, kind of boy, that a boy, Jack. Oh, you sure can. That's enough, Jack. Hold it. Break it up, Jack. Wait a minute. Cut. That's good, Jack. Now you can stop. Jack. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[C]

Wait a minute. Oh, gee, Biff, I'm so happy now that we're back together again.

[B]

Same here, baby. And to think that you paid Jack 75 to make love to you. And I paid him another 75 to help it alone.

[C]

You paid him?

[B]

How much?

[C]

I didn't give him but 7.50. How much did you give that man?

[B]

Oh, that's right. 750. That's right.

[C]

Well, anyway, it worked out that we Both passed the test.

[B]

Yeah, but for a minute, dad, I thought you was going to flunk that last examination.

[C]

Speaking of that test, Bill, would you like to start passing your final exam?

[B]

I sure would, baby. There you are.

[C]

Bill, that kiss was just a peck on the cheek. Didn't you see how Jack did it?

[B]

Yeah, but don't forget, honey, he was getting paid for it.

[C]

Oh,

[B]

honey, I was just kidding. Come on here, baby.

[C]

Oh, yes, Bill.

[B]

Now tilt your head back like this. Now close your eyes. Now say dude.

[C]

Prude.

[B]

Dude.

[C]

Prude. What's the matter? You didn't do anything.

[B]

I know, baby. I just remembered I don't like stewed prunes.

[C]

Oh, doggone. Come in. Oh, it's you, Jack.

[B]

Hi, Lammy pie. Look at the bunch of flowers I bought you. Let get out of with those flowers. Our deal is over.

[C]

Yeah, Jack, we had our fun pretending.

[B]

But I'll come back to tell you something. Beauty.

[C]

What was that?

[B]

I wasn't pretending. Come here, lamb pie.

[C]

Bill, did you head up? He wasn't pretending.

[B]

Yeah, and right now neither am I. Get out of here you big bum, before I knock you so flat your knee.

[C]

Open toes.

[B]

Shoes. Where you going?

[C]

Hold on here, Bill. I do the ordering out of around here.

[B]

Well, ain't you going to start autumn?

[C]

I don't think so.

[B]

Now baby, what is this? Ain't I your best boyfriend? See, big boy, she want me. I bring the flowers. Well, I bring the candy. I'll bring her flowers and candy. Be you're going to welcome this ant. Opa. Well, honey, what is the score?

[C]

I don't know what the score is, Bill, but mine is an interesting game. Play on boys.

[B]

You haven't listening to the Bueller show presented this time time each week over most of these ABC stations by the American Broadcasting Company. Listening again next week for another half hour of fuel. And this is abc, the American Broadcasting

[A]

Company this week with digital coupons at Safeway and Albertsons get beef rib roast for 7.97 per pound member price with minimum purchase of 50 or more in a single transaction. Exclusions apply. See store for details. And broccoli, cauliflower or russet potatoes are $0.97 per pound member price limited £6 plus selected sizes and varieties of lucerne butter cheese or Philadelphia cream cheese are 197 each member price. Visit Safeway or Albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save.

[C]

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