Beyond Our Ken - A Cockeyed Optomist

Summary

Podcast Summary: Beyond Our Ken – "A Cockeyed Optimist"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Air Date: March 12, 2026
Original Show: BBC’s "Beyond Our Ken"
Episode Title: A Cockeyed Optimist

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Episode Overview

This episode features a classic installment of Beyond Our Ken, a beloved British radio comedy from the golden era of radio, renowned for its quick wit, musical interludes, and ensemble cast led by Kenneth Horne. The episode, titled "A Cockeyed Optimist," exemplifies the show’s trademark satirical take on mundane British life, bureaucracy, modernity, and optimism—delivered through sketch comedy, songs, and spirited banter.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Opening Banter and Running Gags (00:31–02:28)

• As is traditional, the show opens with playful meta-commentary about the BBC, its announcers, and their “catchphrases.”
• The cast parodies radio formality and announcer personas, poking fun at the clichés of radio presentation.
  • Memorable Exchange:
    • Hugh Paddock: “Here, Hugh, what would you say if you were an announcer and you had to say something like that?”
    • Announcer: “Something like that.” (01:22)

2. Kenneth Horne’s Diary (02:28–06:07)

• Kenneth Horne presents an exaggerated and farcical account of his past week, including wine tasting, poetry recitals, tennis, and a running joke about physical fitness and aging.
• Witty, understated British humor is showcased:
  • Kenneth Horne: “I must say that lots of men half my age just couldn't have managed it. Suppose it’s because I always keep myself in tip top condition. Friday I couldn’t move.” (03:55)
• Horne humorously sifts through his mail, reading increasingly outlandish invitations and absurd correspondence—including an invitation from a cannibal association and a perfume-scented note introducing the titular song.

3. Musical Interlude: "A Cockeyed Optimist" (06:07–08:27)

• The episode’s thematic center is the song A Cockeyed Optimist from South Pacific, performed with gentle satire and affection.
  • Pat Lancaster (singing):
    “But I'm stuck like a dope with a thing called hope and I can't get it out of my heart…” (06:07–08:27)
• The performance is framed as both a satire of and homage to show-tunes and musical optimism.

4. Tax Office Farce: Protest Meeting & Musical Review (08:27–13:03)

• Horne receives an absurd letter from the tax office, threatened with demolition and replacement by a theater.
• Attends a “protest meeting” at the local tax office: bureaucratic satire and wordplay abound.
  • Announcer:
    “But mark my words, no form of entertainment, however sordid or debased, will ever take the place of the living, breathing Commissioners of Inland Revenue.” (10:01)
• Suggestion: combine tax offices with entertainment, leading to a madcap musical number lampooning the tax system and expense claims.
• Notable Song Lyric:
  “Income tax, income tax, everybody hates income tax…” (11:41)

5. "Assessments with a Smile" & Tax Advice Sketch (13:03–15:39)

• Spoof advice show segment where "Ms. Romney Marshes" answers absurd tax questions, including pun-laden jokes on “arrears” and marital tax issues.
• Culminates in a quiz show parody, Beat the Assessor, where Horne faces unwinnable or nonsensical questions.
  • Quizmaster:
    “What is the difference between a red plush carpet? Give reasons.”
    Kenneth Horne:
    “Well, I suppose you might say that the overall effect…”
    Quizmaster:
    “I’m sorry, sir, your time is up. That’s doubled your assessment.” (15:35–16:01)
• Escalates to a musical “jackpot” question—a comic round of the folk tune "Soldier, Soldier, Won't You Marry Me."

6. Hornarama Documentary: "Atomic Power" (20:38–29:40)

• Signature "Hornarama" segment: the cast lampoons earnest radio documentaries, investigating “atomic power.”
• Horne poses earnest yet clueless questions to experts who give increasingly convoluted and nonsensical scientific “explanations”—evoking the classic British tradition of faux-expert satire.
  • Henry Spindlethrow:
    “Well, you see a formulaid for this in expressi over Mathematica…” (22:57)
• The chaos extends to science gone wrong: cooking with atomic power (26:06), controlling the weather, and futuristic atomic applications.
• Social satire includes jokes about using uranium as home heating and weather manipulation calls to the government.
  • Memorable Line:
    Betty Marsden (as Weather Controller):
    “Your heavy downpour will be starting in 10 seconds from now.” (26:42)

7. Closing: Absurdities of Atomic Research & British Life (29:10–30:40)

• Horne visits an atomic research station where he feigns expertise with mock-technical jargon.
  • Kenneth Horne:
    “Well, I'd say it was a superheterodonic regurgitating calculator.” (28:30)
• The episode closes with further predictions about British life with atomic power, the notion of interplanetary travel, and a wry, pun-filled farewell:
  • Kenneth Horne:
    “And remember, whatever you do, don't gossip about butter knives. You know how those things spread.” (29:40)

8. Credits and Cast Acknowledgement (30:40–end)

• In-character credits satirize radio traditions and break the fourth wall, acknowledging Kenneth Horne, Kenneth Williams, Hugh Paddock, Betty Marsden, Ron Moody, Patricia Lancaster, Stanley Unwin, the musical trio, writers, and the long-suffering producer.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On British weather control:
  “Your heavy downpour will be starting in 10 seconds from now.” (26:42) – Betty Marsden as Weather Controller

• Satirical advice on tax and business:
  “No, dear. Under no circumstances should you accept a present of 51% of the preferred ordinary shares, or you'll find that in no time at all he'll be giving you the business.” (13:03)

• On bureaucratic redundancy:
  “No form of entertainment, however sordid or debased, will ever take the place of the living breathing commissioners of Inland Revenue.” (10:01)

• On optimism:
  “But I'm stuck like a dope with a thing called hope and I can't get it out of my heart.” (06:07) – from "A Cockeyed Optimist"

• Atomic Power, Explained?
  “You see a formulaid for this in expressi over Mathematica…” (22:57) – Henry Spindlethrow spoofing scientific jargon

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Timestamps for Key Moments

• BBC Catchphrase Banter: 00:31–02:28
• Kenneth Horne’s Diary: 02:28–06:07
• “A Cockeyed Optimist” Song: 06:07–08:27
• Income Tax Office Satire: 08:27–13:03
• Quiz Show "Beat the Assessor": 15:39–18:47
• Musical Segment ("Soldier, Soldier"): 17:19–19:30
• Hornarama: Atomic Power: 20:38–29:40
• Closing Credits and Farewell: 29:40–end

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Overall Tone and Style

The episode is a masterclass in British wordplay, irony, and affectionate caricature of postwar British life. The humor is dry, gently subversive, and peppered with catchy tunes, surreal sketches, and knowing nods to radio tropes. Listeners unfamiliar with Beyond Our Ken will find this episode a showcase of why radio comedy was a cherished communal experience in the pre-TV era.

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In Summary

"A Cockeyed Optimist" captures the spirit of Beyond Our Ken—offering cheerful satire on British institutions, bureaucracy, and optimism, blending sharp sketches and musical numbers with loving mockery. A must-listen for fans of classic radio comedy and seekers of vintage British wit.

Transcript

[Odoo Announcer]

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[Kenneth Horne]

and that may sound rather complicated to you for one very good reason. It is rather complicated. But you are listening to the home service, so don't be misled. Even when our announcer comes on and

[Announcer/Narrator]

says, this is the BBC light program.

[Hugh Paddock]

How do you do?

[Announcer/Narrator]

How do you do?

[Hugh Paddock]

Come here often?

[Announcer/Narrator]

Only when I have some announcing to do.

[Hugh Paddock]

What do you say?

[Announcer/Narrator]

Nothing much. Things like, this is the BBC light program.

[Hugh Paddock]

Oh, that's very good. Isn't it nice?

[Betty Marsden]

Yeah.

[Hugh Paddock]

Go on, sign again.

[Betty Marsden]

Just once.

[Announcer/Narrator]

No, I'd rather not.

[Hugh Paddock]

No, go on, be a devil.

[Announcer/Narrator]

No, it didn't sound so trite.

[Hugh Paddock]

Well, trite.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Oh, very well. This is the BBC light program Only marvelous. Good.

[Hugh Paddock]

Here, Hugh, what would you say if you were an announcer and you had to say something like that? How would you do it?

[Announcer/Narrator]

Something like that.

[Hugh Paddock]

Oh, that's nice, too. I say, Betty, come here. Meet an announcer.

[Patricia Lancaster]

Why is he nice?

[Announcer/Narrator]

Charming. You know, he says things beautifully.

[Hugh Paddock]

He's got the cleverest little catchphrase.

[Patricia Lancaster]

Oh, what?

[Hugh Paddock]

It's the BBC lion program.

[Ron Moody]

How divine.

[Patricia Lancaster]

I must listen.

[Hugh Paddock]

And so you shall. Go on, Mr. Announcer.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Oh, all right. This is the BBC light program.

[Patricia Lancaster]

Oh, it's out of this world.

[Announcer/Narrator]

She hasn't finished yet. Ladies and gentlemen, whatever happens during the next 30 minutes will certainly be beyond our ke.

[Eric Melamon]

Would you mind.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Do you mind keeping quiet?

[Ron Moody]

What did he say?

[Announcer/Narrator]

He said, keep quiet.

[Hugh Paddock]

Oh, sorry.

[Eric Melamon]

Thank you.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Among those taking part are hilarious and up John Crumble, Marjorie Hockflich, A Cramworthy Crittenden Groyle, Fatima Higgins, Gladys Rumbold, Alderman George Simcox, and of course, Mr. Kenneth Horne, who prefers to remain anonymous. Ladies and gentlemen, Kenneth Horn.

[Kenneth Horne]

Hello and good evening. Well, first of all, here's a special message to all our listeners in Iceland. Wrap up. Well, now, tonight. Tonight I was going to talk to you about current affairs, but quite frankly, I've never had an affair of the current. So instead, let me tell you about some of the things that happened to me last week. On Monday, I attended a wine tasting festival. On Tuesday, I was told That I had a good time on Monday, but just the same Tuesday evening I popped into the Folies Bergere, but there wasn't much on. So. So instead I went along to the Poetry Lovers Guild at Oxshott and I listened to some rather unusual verse reading given by a young lady from Gloucester. She'd obviously led a very full life. On Wednesday I went to Gloucester. Thursday I spent all the morning digging in the garden and mowing the lawn. Afternoon I played four sets of tennis and I won them all. What's more, I felt as fresh as a daisy. And I don't want you to think I'm boasting, but I must say that lots of men half my age just couldn't have managed it. Suppose it's because I always keep myself in tip top condition. Friday I couldn't move, but Saturday was really an eventful day. I remember that morning. I got up earlier than usual. Yes, Prudence? I'm in the bath.

[Ron Moody]

What is it, Mr. Owen? Your breakfast needs.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, thank you. Oh, Prudence.

[Ron Moody]

Yes, sir?

[Kenneth Horne]

Have you seen anything of my midget submarine?

[Ron Moody]

No, I haven't.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, that's funny. It was here in the bath the last time I reviewed the fleet. Now, let's see. Cruisers, battleship, destroyer, aircraft carrier. Oh, it's all right, Prudence, I found it. I'll come right down.

[Ron Moody]

Morning, Mr. Old.

[Kenneth Horne]

Good morning, Prudence.

[Ron Moody]

Here's your paper, sir, and the morning post. Oh, now come along, sir, your breakfast will be getting cold.

[Kenneth Horne]

All right, all right. Well now, let's just have a look at the crossword, shall we? One down, one down. What you'd expect to find in a monastery garden. Four letters. Oh, I can't be bothered with the thing this morning. Let's have a look at some of these lessons. Ah, now, here's an invitation to dinner.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Captain and Mrs. Barrington, which it is true, request the pleasure of your company at a champagne supper at Beddington Towers on the occas of their winning the first divvy on the football pools.

[Kenneth Horne]

Sounds rather jolly. Oh, here's another invitation. Now, what does this one say?

[Betty Marsden]

Mr. Humphrey Boreham Stiff will be at home at 7:30 on the evening of the 14th.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes, yes, yes. And so will Kenneth Horne. Oh, this one looks interesting. We should like to have you for luncheon on the 28th. Signed, the South Borneo Cannibals Association. Now what else is there? This one looks exciting. Exotic perfume, Tiny ladylike handwriting. Who could it be? Oh, it's from pat lancaster.

[Ron Moody]

Dear Ken, I've been going through several songs for the new Show. And I think perhaps you might like a song from South Pacific. It's called a cockeyed optimist. P.S. it goes like this. When the sun is a bright canary yellow I forget every cloud I've ever seen so they call me a cockeyed optimist Immature and incurably green I have heard people rant and rave and bellow that we're dumb and we might as well be dead But I'm only a cockeyed optimist and I can't get it into my head I hear the human race it's fallen on its face and hasn't very far to go but every whip poor will Is selling me a bill and telling me it just ain't so I could see say life is just a bowl of Jell O and appear more intelligent and smart But I'm stuck like a dope with a thing called hope and I can't get it out of my heart not this heart I hear the human race is fallen on its face and hasn't very far to go but every whip poor will Is selling me a bill and telling me it just ain't so I could say life is just a bowl of jello and appear more intelligent and smart But I'm stuck like a dope with a thing called hope and I can't get it out of my heart.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes, I think the song she suggests should be Jolly Good. In fact, I can't wait to hear it. Might get a nice, nice round of applause afterwards probably too. Oh, dear. Look. What's this? Ohms. Good heavens. It's from my income tax office.

[Betty Marsden]

Dear sir, you may not be aware of this, but a proposal has been made to pull down your local income tax offices and to erect in its place a theatre. A protest meeting will be held at 11:15 on Saturday, when we hope to have your support.

[Kenneth Horne]

What a nerve. I wouldn't dream of going.

[Betty Marsden]

P.S. don't forget you still owe us some money.

[Kenneth Horne]

You can certainly count on my support. Now, what time does it say? 11:15. Oh, good heavens, I must hurry. His. Oh, I just made it. Lucky it's only four doors away.

[Announcer/Narrator]

A protest meeting right inside, sir.

[Kenneth Horne]

You're just in time.

[Announcer/Narrator]

My friends, this is indeed a most serious business. If this tax office is pulled down,

[Eric Melamon]

it will be the thin end of the week.

[Announcer/Narrator]

More and more tax officers will go and less and less people will be paying in gum tax.

[Kenneth Horne]

Here, here. Oh, I'm terrible sorry.

[Announcer/Narrator]

My friends, one day income tax may become a memory of the past. But mark my words, no form of entertainment, however sordid or debased it might be, will ever take the place of the living breathing commissioners of Inland Revenue.

[Patricia Lancaster]

Mr. Chairman, may I make a proposition?

[Kenneth Horne]

All depends what it is, madam.

[Patricia Lancaster]

Well, in view of the fact that our premises are to be demolished to make way for a place of entertainment, I should like to put it to the meeting that we anticipate their scheme by ourselves supplying entertainment in income tax offices. You know, a sort of pay as you laugh service or assessments with a smile.

[Kenneth Horne]

Well, at that point I left. Quite frankly, the whole idea of entertainment and income tax offices gave me quite a lot to think about. I mean, can you imagine what it'd be like to walk into your local tax office one day and be greeted by this sort of thing?

[Betty Marsden]

Well, hello there. This is your genial Kirsten. Compare 247 oblique stroke 2984 oblique stroke 3, 8 subsection D saying good afternoon and welcome to the income deck. Yes, if we can bring just one smile to one little face today, then somebody slipped up somewhere. And now, dear sir or madam, with reference to our show, I am commanded by the commissioners of England revenue to bring you government grant and his Whitehall steel band.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Income tax, income tax Everybody hates income

[Kenneth Horne]

tax People's hearts are filled with hope

[Announcer/Narrator]

till they get their desire.

[Eric Melamon]

Little puff envelope A married man with no family was claiming an allowance on schedule D. He came to children and in that place he wrote the words

[Kenneth Horne]

Watch this space Income tax, income tax,

[Announcer/Narrator]

Everybody hates income tax.

[Kenneth Horne]

196 is the surtax rate It's a

[Announcer/Narrator]

wonder everybody doesn't emigrate Payo payo tax

[Patricia Lancaster]

men come and I want to go home.

[Kenneth Horne]

A businessman whose name you didn't know to Paris with his secretary had to go. The expense was allowed as necessary. A successful trip. Not a word to busy.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Income tax, income tax Everybody hates income tax. We brought you the news that you wanted to hear in tonight's report on the fiscal year.

[Kenneth Horne]

Holy.

[Betty Marsden]

And now to deal with your tax problems, here is Ms. Romney Marshes.

[Patricia Lancaster]

It's been a worrying week for some of you. The particularly anxious blue eyes of Finchley. No, dear. Under no circumstances should you accept a present of 51% of the preferred ordinary shares or you'll find that in no time at all he'll be giving you the business. And now, now we turn to lonely of the conservative club Moscow. You say that since you've been out of the country your wife's taxes have got in arrears. Tell her as nicely as you can to take them out of her ears and send them to the nearest tax office. Well, now, our last problem comes from Goldilocks of South Kensington, who is actually with us today. Would you come up here, please? Goldilocks of South Kensington. Goldilocks. Come along, Goldilocks, dear. Don't be bashful. Now, come along. That's right.

[Kenneth Horne]

Well, I wish I hadn't written to you. Now,

[Patricia Lancaster]

My dear. We're all friends here. Now, what is your problem, Goldilocks?

[Kenneth Horne]

Well, you. You know, in the income text form there's a little box affair and it says do not write in this space. Yes, well, I wrote in it.

[Patricia Lancaster]

Oh, did you now? Well, let's have a look at what you wrote.

[Ron Moody]

Oh.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh. Oh.

[Ron Moody]

Well, I think this should be dealt

[Patricia Lancaster]

with by our expert from the Treasury, Mr. Maltravers.

[Eric Melamon]

Hello? Who called? Somebody want me?

[Patricia Lancaster]

Yes, Mr. Maltravers, perhaps you'd read this.

[Eric Melamon]

Hey, that's putting it a bit strong, innit? I'd never have thought this of you, dear.

[Patricia Lancaster]

I didn't write it, he did.

[Eric Melamon]

Oh, that's all right then, Mrs. Marsheys, you'd better leave this to me. Now, sir, first of all, I think I should point out that of course we can't possibly do what you suggest. However, if you feel. If you feel that we have assessed you rather harshly, then we'll give you a chance to reduce the tax payable in our new quiz game, Beat the Assessor.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, thank you.

[Eric Melamon]

Now then, sir, for each question answered correctly, we halve your tax. But should you fail to answer them, then your tax is doubled. Right? Right. First question. What is the difference between a red plash carpet? Give reasons.

[Kenneth Horne]

Well, I suppose you might say that the overall effect is dependent upon.

[Eric Melamon]

I'm sorry, sir, your time is up.

[Kenneth Horne]

Bad luck.

[Eric Melamon]

That's doubled your assessment. But you're still in the game. Now, question number two. Number two, listen carefully. There is a cage 30ft long containing a full grown Bengal tiger. At each end of the cage there is a hole through which the tiger can put its head.

[Hugh Paddock]

Right.

[Eric Melamon]

The tiger runs down the cage at 30 miles an hour and sticks its head through one hole. He then runs up the cage at 40 miles per hour and sticks his head through the other hole, then down the cage at 50 miles an hour and sticks his head through the first hole, up the cage at 60 miles an hour and sticks his head through the other. Now, the question is, at what speed will the tiger be travelling when it can stick its head through both holes at once?

[Kenneth Horne]

Let me see. Four no trumps.

[Eric Melamon]

I'm sorry, sir, you failed to beat the assessor which means you now owe us the sum of £15,942. But now is the jackpot question and your chance to wipe out your entire depth by answering just one simple musical question. Right, can we have the blindfold, please? There, that's it. Now, you can't see, can you, sir?

[Kenneth Horne]

No.

[Eric Melamon]

Good. Then listen. Now, what tune is this? And who is playing it?

[Malcolm Mitchell Trio Member]

Soldier, soldier, won't you marry me with your musket, fife and drum

[Kenneth Horne]

oh, thank goodness. Style of the Malcolm Mitchell Trio.

[Malcolm Mitchell Trio Member]

Soldier, soldier, won't you marry me with your musket? Fine, fine drum how could I marry such a pretty girl as thee When I got no boots to put on?

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, how can I marry such a

[Eric Melamon]

pretty girl as thee When I got

[Kenneth Horne]

no boots to put on?

[Malcolm Mitchell Trio Member]

Well, up to the copless she did go as fast as she could run, run Bought him a pair the best that were there and the soldier put them on she bought him a pair

[Henry Spindlethrow]

of the best that were there and

[Malcolm Mitchell Trio Member]

the soldier put them on oh, soldier, soldier, won't you marry me with your musket, fife and drum? How could I marry such a pretty girl as thee When I got no socks to put on?

[Eric Melamon]

How can I marry such a pretty girl as thee When I've got no socks to earn?

[Malcolm Mitchell Trio Member]

Off to the haberdasher she did go as fast as she could run Bought him a pair of the best that were there and the soldier put them on she bought him a pair of

[Henry Spindlethrow]

the best that were there Soldier, put

[Malcolm Mitchell Trio Member]

them on Soldier, soldier, won't you marry me with your musket, fife and drum? How could I marry such a pretty girl as thee When I've got no pants to put on?

[Eric Melamon]

How could I marry such a pretty girl as thee When I got no pants to put on?

[Malcolm Mitchell Trio Member]

Well, off to the tailor she did go as fast as she could run Bought him a pair the best that were there and the soldier put them on she bought him a pair of

[Henry Spindlethrow]

the best that were there and the

[Malcolm Mitchell Trio Member]

soldier put them on Soldier, soldier, won't you marry me with your musket, fife and drum oh, how could I marry such a pretty girl as thee With a wife and a baby at home With a wife and a baby at home With a wife and a baby at home With a wife and a baby at home.

[Odoo Announcer]

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[Announcer/Narrator]

And now we come to the special Kenneth Horne documentary feature, Hornarama.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Each week at this time Kenneth Horne and his team of investigators will bring you a factual report on topics of immediate interest. And tonight we present a close up on atomic power. Is it here to stay?

[Kenneth Horne]

And if so, are we. Well now, what is atomic power? I'll just ask this policeman. Good morning, Constable.

[Betty Marsden]

Good morning, sir.

[Kenneth Horne]

I wonder if you could help.

[Betty Marsden]

Yes, certainly sir.

[Kenneth Horne]

Well now Constable, what is atomic pump?

[Betty Marsden]

Ah, well now sir. Atomic power. Now that happens to be one of my pet subjects, as you might say.

[Kenneth Horne]

Splendid. Well perhaps you'd tell us all you know.

[Betty Marsden]

Certainly sir.

[Kenneth Horne]

Thank you, sir.

[Henry Spindlethrow]

Thank you.

[Betty Marsden]

On the 15th of June, I was proceeding in a south eastly direction up Half Moon when I perceived a motor vehicle parked on one side of the road, thinking there was something odd about the date I approached.

[Kenneth Horne]

But what is atomic power?

[Betty Marsden]

I'm coming to that, sir. Well, I take it out me notebook and I duly goes up to the owner of the aforementioned motor vehicle and I says, hello. I says, I suppose you're aware sir, that this here vehicle is causing an obstruction of the other motor vehicles used in the street.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yeah, Constable, very interesting indeed. But what is atomic power?

[Betty Marsden]

Let me tell it in me own way, sir. Now at this point I observed that the driver of this particular vehicle was beginning to get a bit nasty about the situation. Well now, you know us London policemen, it isn't often we ask to resort to the use of force and the execution of our duty. But on this occasion I'm afraid I had to bring into operation my handcuffs and take the driver into custody. And that's why, as you can see, one handcuff is attached thus to my right wrist and the other. Hello.

[Henry Spindlethrow]

He's gone.

[Kenneth Horne]

What is atomic power? Doesn't anybody know what it is?

[Henry Spindlethrow]

Yes, I think I might be able to help. Here's my card.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, thank you. Very glad to have you with us, Mr. Mr. Henry Spindlethrow of the International Atomic Research Association. Well now sir, perhaps you'll just briefly tell us all about it. Will I?

[Henry Spindlethrow]

Certainly. Well, you see a formulaid for this in expressi over Mathematica. Would you like that?

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes, I would to like. Please go on on those lines.

[Henry Spindlethrow]

Well, the average curricula at the 11 or plus C gives it a half cm or V square D, you see. And that and a basic fundament. A fundamental of it was the first formation of the solar system where exploding.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes, yes, I quite understand that. Now. Now a lot of us I know I in common with many other people have been worried about fallout. What is your view on that?

[Henry Spindlethrow]

I'm glad you asked me that one.

[Eric Melamon]

Yes.

[Henry Spindlethrow]

Well, where that of the Mercen. The holy doom fallout folly and constrain it the portia hurts us out in mercian to venison.

[Kenneth Horne]

Now tell me, how does. How does nuclear fission come in into all this?

[Henry Spindlethrow]

Ah, yes, yes. Well, now there. There is a real concentrail before the zeta exploding most of the escape electrodes and it manifests. Or shall I give you a manifest in a practical form?

[Kenneth Horne]

I think it would be better that way.

[Henry Spindlethrow]

Yes. Well, there you see in the average lighter will gradually develop its own to very tiny triddly howdy lighter which explode it and burn away half a cigar into the throchus of the larynx of the human beel. You see. Also it's going to make its symbol of the housewife in a launderetti. We're rotating the blankie. Oh, yes,

[Kenneth Horne]

yes, that I can understand very easily. Now sir, it has been nice of you. Nice of you to come along here today. Have you got some message that you'd like to go away with or send over to mankind really to tell us about atomic power and the benefits of that it can bring.

[Henry Spindlethrow]

May I do it in the words of the poem?

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes, I'd be glad you would.

[Eric Melamon]

Yes.

[Henry Spindlethrow]

Well, here and wear that or the average walking. I'll do Shakespeare for it again if I may. The most where you walk or stratty on that stage. Then scan the leader for a newspaper page and suffer your most for day. For day the human being put his nose to the grindstone.

[Eric Melamon]

All will be well it formed.

[Henry Spindlethrow]

Oh yeah.

[Kenneth Horne]

Well, now. Now that we know what atomic power is, how will it affect our everyday lives? Well, One day, undoubtedly, it'll take the place of our present heating system. George, what is it?

[Ron Moody]

It's getting quite cold in here. Pop out and fill up the scuttle with some more uranium.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, all right.

[Announcer/Narrator]

I'll just chuck this last bit on the fire. Horrible slatey stuff.

[Kenneth Horne]

And then again in the kitchen of the future, pride of place will go to the atomic pressure cooker.

[Patricia Lancaster]

Edith, Charles, Peter, Robin, come along, dinner's on the ceiling.

[Kenneth Horne]

But perhaps one of the most interesting developments will come when it's possible atomically to control the weather.

[Patricia Lancaster]

Hello, Airminstra? Yes, just one moment. I'll put you through to the weather controller.

[Betty Marsden]

Weather controller.

[Eric Melamon]

Agriculture here. I say, old man, the crops in the Dorset area are getting a bit parched.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Could you possibly lay on a rather

[Eric Melamon]

heavy downpour for us?

[Betty Marsden]

Yes, got that. Heavy downpour. Dorset area. Just a minute. Hello? Your heavy downpour will be starting in 10 seconds from now.

[Kenneth Horne]

Hello, Arthur.

[Announcer/Narrator]

That rain come down a bit sun, didn't it? My rheumatism and half cringing me as something chronic.

[Kenneth Horne]

Ah, fear throwing it down.

[Eric Melamon]

It is terrible weather. I don't care what they say. If you ask me, I reckon it's all these atoms that are doing it.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes, I think it is. Well, so much for the future. Now, what of atomic power today? Well, it's still mostly in the experimental stage. And the other day I visited one of our principal atomic research stations.

[Eric Melamon]

Who.

[Betty Marsden]

Who goes there?

[Kenneth Horne]

All right, no need for alarm. It's only me.

[Hugh Paddock]

Oh, who is me?

[Kenneth Horne]

Kenneth Horne. I'm from the BBC. No, no, no, no, no, you don't understand. I'm not from workers playtime. I got a personal letter of introduction to the director of Research.

[Betty Marsden]

Very good, sir.

[Henry Spindlethrow]

You'll find him in the radioactivity room.

[Kenneth Horne]

I see how I recognize him. Quite easy, sir. He's the one that glows. Thank you.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Ah, Kenneth Horne.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes, that's right. Well, now, sir, perhaps you'd tell me exactly what you do here.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Oh, pleasure. Well, now, you see this machine here. Now, what do you think it is?

[Kenneth Horne]

What, this one? Well, I'd say it was a superhederodonic regurgitating calculator. Oh.

[Announcer/Narrator]

However did you know was just a

[Kenneth Horne]

shot in the dark. How does it work?

[Announcer/Narrator]

Well, first we get some plutonium, and then we get some uranium and we mix them all together in this cyclotron and then we turn on the gas and before you can say Jersey flock, we raise it to a temperature of 60,000 degrees Fahrenheit.

[Kenneth Horne]

Good gracious, what's it used for making toast.

[Henry Spindlethrow]

Oh, now, now, now.

[Announcer/Narrator]

You just make yourself at home and don't steal any secrets.

[Kenneth Horne]

Bye.

[Henry Spindlethrow]

Bye.

[Kenneth Horne]

Well, that gives you a rough idea of how they're carrying on in atomic research. But what of the future? Soon, perhaps, interplanetary travel will become an everyday affair, enabling the people from two different worlds to meet in friendship and universal goodwill. Perhaps even in our time, we shall see a flying saucer from another planet land in the very heart of London, its passenger to be greeted with traditional British ceremony.

[Betty Marsden]

I'm very sorry, sir, you can't park that here. Now, I want your name and number.

[Kenneth Horne]

I'm. Well, there you are. There'll be another Hornarama next week when the subject will be coal. Is the outlook black? Also in next week's program we have the Norwegian Fisher Folks Ballet Company in La Vie en Rose on toast. Horace Tindersley performing Seal. And the massed pipes and drums of the Wickhampton Building Society. So until next week, this is Kenneth Horne saying goodbye for now. And remember, whatever you do, don't gossip about butter knives. You know how those things spread.

[Announcer/Narrator]

You have either been listening to or have just missed Beyond Our Ken, a sort of radio show which gave employment to Kenneth Horn and also to Kenneth Williams, Hugh Paddock, Betty Marsden, Ron Moody, Patricia Lancaster, Stanley unw, the Malcolm Mitchell Trio and the BBC Review Orchestra, conducted by Harry Rabinowitz. The script, believe it or not, was written and letters of complaint should be sent to Eric Melamon and Barry Took. However, the owners must inevitably fall on our producer, Jake Sprad.