Bickersons - The New Puppy

Summary

Podcast Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio – Bickersons: "The New Puppy"

Airdate: April 4, 2026
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Featured Comedy: The Bickersons with Don Ameche (John) and Frances Langford (Blanche)
Episode Theme: Domestic Disarray Over a Puppy and Apartment Mayhem

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Episode Overview

This classic Bickersons comedy sketches the turbulence of domestic married life, as John and Blanche Bickerson's bedroom banter spirals into chaos due to a surprise new puppy and a cascade of housing mishaps. The episode delivers rapid-fire, razor-sharp exchanges—showcasing the archetypal marital "battle of the wits" that made The Bickersons a cornerstone of the Golden Age of Radio.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. A Noisy Night & John’s “Headache”

[01:10–02:10]

• Blanche is disturbed by John's snoring and fidgeting, insisting he’s keeping her up, though John protests with feigned insomnia and a supposed headache.
• "You've been sleeping like a failed—" – Blanche [01:30]
• John’s solution to both insomnia and headaches: cocktails and aspirin washed down with bourbon.

2. The Puppy Plot Unleashed

[02:47–04:32]

• Blanche visits the Marvins to see their new baby and pivots the conversation to adoption and “the patter of tiny feet.”
• John’s reluctance towards children segues into his shock when he learns Blanche actually brought home a puppy—not a baby.
• Notable exchange:
  • Blanche: “It's only a dog, silly. I got a little puppy.” [03:50]
  • John: “A dog? What do we need dogs for? … Blanche, you know I’m allergic to dog hair!” [03:53 & 04:15]
• The puppy is stowed in John’s shirt drawer, further inflaming tensions.

3. The Worm Pills Fiasco

[04:32–05:05]

• Blanche instructs John to give the puppy worm pills, which John inadvertently mistakes for his own aspirin.
• Quote:
  • John: “There's nothing here except the aspirin.”
  • Blanche: “The aspirins are in the medicine cabinet… What have I been eating? No wonder my headache won't go away!” [04:49–04:55]
• John’s melodramatic response: “Here I am dying from dog poisoning… my hand is squigging…” [05:04]

4. Blanche Wants the Puppy Gone

[05:35–06:22]

• Blanche demands John take the puppy to the pound immediately, despite the late hour:
  • Blanche: “You better take him now. … Go on, get up. Take the puppy to the dog pound.” [05:46–05:54]
• John’s exasperation: “Are you out of your mind? It’s after two in the morning!” [05:54]

5. Apartment Turmoil & A Bungled Raffle

[06:22–08:54]

• Blanche reveals she’s canceled their lease for a “better place” on a raffle—run by Amos, who, conveniently, wins the big move-in himself.
• Escalating farce:
  • Blanche: “Amos sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece. And the winner moves into our apartment tomorrow.”
  • John: “Look, Blanche, I gave the landlord a $1,200 bonus to renew the lease. So now I’m out $200 and I got no place to live.” [07:05–07:12]
• Amos appears in person, cheerily announcing his victory in the raffle of the Bickersons’ own apartment:
  • Amos: “Yep. I won the raffle!” [08:06]
• John’s exasperated threat: “Get out of here before I hit you with a cleaver.” [08:30]

6. The Inevitable Conclusion

[08:44–08:54]

• After Amos departs, John tries to rally for sleep at last, but Blanche reminds him—the puppy is in their bed.
• John concedes defeat: “I’ll sleep in the garage.” [08:54]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On John’s ‘Insomnia’

  • Blanche: “You come home for dinner and bury your head in the paper. Never a word out of you…” [02:30]
  • John: “Well, I have. Takes me hours to fall asleep.”
  • Blanche: “It took you all of 30 seconds tonight.” [02:41]

• On the Puppy

  • John: “Blanche, you know I’m allergic to dog hair. It gives me sinus trouble.” [04:15]

• Classic Bickersons Climax

  • Blanche: “The dog’s in there.”
  • John: “Nuts. I’ll sleep in the garage.” [08:54]

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Episode Highlights by Timestamp

• [01:10–02:10]—The “headache” and bed banter sets the comic tone.
• [03:47–04:32]—Blanche’s reveal: the puppy is not a baby.
• [04:32–05:05]—Worm pill mishap adds physical comedy.
• [06:22–08:12]—Apartment is raffled off, and Amos wins his own contest.
• [08:44–08:54]—John’s final surrender, heading to the garage.

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Tone & Language

The language sparkles with Bickersons’ dry sarcasm and period-appropriate wit. Blanche is sharp, persistent, and pointedly exasperated with her husband’s grumbling; John delivers deadpan complaints, escalating hyperbole, and comic resignation—emblematic of their famously tumultuous (but affectionate) dynamic.

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For Listeners New and Old

This episode is a quintessential slice of golden-era radio, mixing marital ribbing with over-the-top predicaments—pets, pills, raffles, and all—proof that even when the honeymoon is long over, the laughs carry on.

Transcript

[A]

Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance. And now we're customizing this rush hour ad to keep you calm, which could help your driving. And science says therapy is great for a healthy mindset. So enjoy this 14 second session on us. I think you've done everything right and absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, anything that hasn't gone your way could probably be blamed on your father not being emotionally available because his father wasn't emotionally available, and so on. And now that you're calm and healing, you're probably driving better, too.

[B]

Liberty.

[C]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.

[B]

And now, Don Ameche and Francis Lankford as John and Blanche Bickerson, with Danny Thomas's brother Amos in the Honeymoon is over. The Vickersons have retired. As usual. Mrs. Vickerson tosses restlessly while her husband, John, insomniac extraordinary, presents this audible testimony of his constant wakefulness. Listen.

[C]

For the love of heaven, what is he doing? John. John. Hey, what's the matter with you? You're making the most frightful noises. What's the matter?

[B]

What's the matter, Blanche?

[C]

Are you in pain?

[B]

I got a terrible headache. Haven't slept a wink.

[C]

You've been sleeping like a failed

[B]

headaches.

[C]

You wouldn't have such a headache if you didn't take so many cocktails before dinner. Why do you do that, John?

[B]

Always, always do it.

[C]

Why?

[B]

No good to eat on an empty stomach. Put out the light flange.

[C]

The lights are out. How would you know anyway with that sleep shade on?

[B]

Something's flashing in my head.

[C]

Oh, take an aspirin.

[B]

Okay. I feel better already.

[C]

How can you chew those things like that? Wash it down with something.

[B]

All right.

[C]

John Dickerson. You washed it down with bourbon.

[B]

You lied to me. You got the lights on.

[C]

Yes, I'm going to keep them on. Sit up. I want to talk to you.

[B]

Please, Blanche. I can't sit up. My head will fall off. Why do you always have to talk in the middle of the night?

[C]

When else can I talk to you? You come home for dinner and bury your head in the paper. Never a word out of you and you tell me you have to go to bed early. Because you haven't saw me.

[B]

Well, I have. Takes me hours to fall asleep.

[C]

It took you all of 30 seconds tonight.

[B]

Well, this was a good night. Good night.

[C]

John. John. I went over to see the Marvin's new baby this afternoon. A beautiful child. Do you know their first one is over a year old?

[B]

I hope so.

[C]

He's been walking since he was eight months.

[B]

He must be awful tired. I am, too.

[C]

Children are such a blessing. It's wonderful to watch them grow up. You'd be surprised how many childless couples are adopting children.

[B]

I better have another aspirin. Boy, have I got a headache.

[C]

John, don't you miss the patter of tiny feet around the house?

[B]

No, I don't. Blanche. Children are wonderful, all right, but you have to be able to afford them. All this talk of adopting. Of adopting? What the devil is that?

[C]

What's what?

[B]

Put the lights on, John. Blanche, don't tell me that you went out and. And.

[C]

It's only a dog, silly. I got a little puppy.

[B]

A dog? What do we need dogs for? Where's the ass beat? Why didn't you get a dog?

[C]

Now, don't get hysterical.

[B]

Where is that little beast? I can hear it, but I can't see it.

[C]

He's right there in the bureau. I've got him in your shirt drawer.

[B]

You put him in there with my shirt.

[C]

He won't suffocate. The drawer is open.

[B]

Blanche, you know I'm allergic to dog hair. It gives me sinus trouble. Where's the aspirin?

[C]

You're just a big hypochondriac. You imagine those allergies like you do your insomnia.

[B]

I tell you, I'm allergic to dogs. They make me see. Get rid of that thing. He'll whine all night and keep me awake.

[C]

The man said if you. He'll keep quiet if you give him one of those worm pills.

[B]

Where are they?

[C]

On the night table by your bed.

[B]

How do you give a dog where.

[C]

They're on the night table by your bed.

[B]

There's nothing here except the aspirin.

[C]

The aspirins are in the medicine cabinet.

[B]

How can they be in the midst. Thanks. What have I been eating? No wonder my headache won't go away. Why do you do these things to me? Send for a doctor.

[C]

Oh, carry on. So if they're good for a dog, they won't hurt you. Go to sleep.

[B]

Go to sleep, she tells me. Here I am dying from ghost poisoning. My. My hand is squigging. She knows I'm allergic to dogs. Hides the aspen and makes, I don't know, get up so early. Never. Never get another wink of sleep as. As long as.

[C]

Gone. Gone. Because I'm tight.

[B]

Thanks.

[C]

I can see how much sleep I'm going to get tonight. We'll have to get rid of the puppy.

[B]

Now you're talking.

[C]

I want you to take him down to the dog pound.

[B]

Okay. I'll do it on my way to work.

[C]

You go in the opposite direction.

[B]

I'll go out of my way.

[C]

You say it, but you won't do it. You better take him now. What? Go on, get up. Take the puppy to the dog pound.

[B]

Blanche, are you out of your mind? It's after two in the morning.

[C]

They're open all night. Go on, get up and take him.

[B]

Why, I never heard of such a thing. You know, I went to bed with a splitting headache and I had to take a dozen worm pills to fall asleep.

[C]

You take the dog to the pound quick enough if Gloria Goosby asks you to.

[B]

How do you always manage to work the conversation around a Gloria Goosby?

[C]

Well, if you wouldn't shout so much, maybe the puppy would be able to flee.

[B]

Ah, what's the use? Good night.

[C]

I thought it would be nice to have a little dog. Especially when we move into our new apartment.

[B]

Still have a year to go on this one.

[C]

Our lease expired Friday.

[B]

I renewed it yesterday.

[C]

I canceled it this morning. Amos is rattling off the apartment for me.

[B]

That's a good idea. Amos is What?

[C]

Amos sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece. And the winner moves into our apartment tomorrow.

[B]

Oh, blanks.

[C]

No, no.

[B]

I don't believe it.

[C]

We'll be on the street. Amos said he'll find us a new place and a jiffy.

[B]

Jiffy?

[C]

Haven't you heard? There's a housing shortage.

[B]

Where will he find a place?

[C]

Well, I bought a ticket myself. It's a wonderful chance. Lovely three room apartments, large kitchen, big closets. It's worth $2 and we might get it. Get it? We got it. No, I know. But even if we don't win, we get the thousand dollars Amos collected for the rest of the ticket.

[B]

Look, Blanche, I gave the landlord a $1,200 bonus to renew the lease. So now I'm out $200 and I got no place to live.

[C]

Sounds like pretty poor business to me. Why do you make such deals? The trouble with you, John, is that you're too conservative. You take up some of the deals that Amos has, we might be able to live as nicely as he does. He's been living at the Biltmore Hotel for a year.

[B]

He sleeps on a billiard table. Look out. Where's my slippers?

[C]

What are you going to do?

[B]

Let me get to that phone. I'll shoot. Put on the light.

[C]

The lights are on. Open your eyes.

[B]

There's a phone. I know it's going to ring and I want to be ready when it does. Hello?

[C]

Excuse me. Oh, dead.

[B]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[C]

That.

[B]

That wasn't Amos who But I'll get him. I'll get him. Amos.

[C]

Hi, Yako. What are you doing up this time of night? Packing, Amos.

[B]

We're moving. Haven't you heard? Why?

[C]

Aren't you going to invite me in? I'd like to look the place over.

[B]

You mean. Yep. I won the raffle.

[C]

Finest luck I ever saw.

[B]

Who drew the ticket? Amos, fair and square. I wouldn't take a chance having some phony draw it, so I drew it myself. What a coincidence.

[C]

Get out of here.

[B]

What's the matter with you, jocko? You got $1,000 coming. And if you're worried about a place

[C]

to live, I'll rent you the garage. You haven't got a car anymore.

[B]

Get out of here before I hit you with a cleaver. Okay, Jocko, you don't have to get. Sure. You better give the money back to the people you sold tickets to. Or you'll have a lot of explaining to. Not me, brother.

[C]

You'll have to do the explaining.

[B]

I'll tell him you want.

[C]

Good night, Jacko.

[B]

That guy will wind up on a chain gang.

[C]

As sure was it able. Who won?

[B]

I did. Now at last I can go to sleep in my own bed without worrying.

[C]

No, you can't, dear. The dog's in there. Nuts.

[B]

I'll sleep in the garage.