CBS Town Hall Tonight Starring Fred Allen 1937-12-22 - Santa Will Not Ride Tonight Jack Benny

Summary

Podcast Summary: CBS Town Hall Tonight Starring Fred Allen (1937-12-22) – “Santa Will Not Ride Tonight” with Guest Jack Benny

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Episode Date: December 2, 2025
Original Broadcast: December 22, 1937
Episode Title: CBS Town Hall Tonight Starring Fred Allen – Santa Will Not Ride Tonight, Jack Benny
Main Theme:
A classic variety radio program from the Golden Age, featuring comedian Fred Allen and an iconic cameo by Jack Benny. The show combines music, sketch comedy, parody news, satirical interviews, and a playful holiday-themed radio play. It’s a nostalgic window into 1930s entertainment, full of sharp banter and era-defining humor.

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Episode Overview

This lively hour delivers quintessential 1930s radio entertainment: opening musical numbers, Fred Allen’s signature parody news sketches, a standout “visit” from Jack Benny, light-hearted audience interaction, and a comedic holiday fable about Santa Claus going on strike. Authentic period jokes and cultural references abound, all buoyed by the wit and rivalry between Allen and Benny.

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Key Sections & Timestamps

Welcome, Musical Introductions & Banter

[00:39–03:47]

• The show opens to raucous applause and an introduction for Fred Allen, who enters dressed as Santa and is joined by his comedic troupe.
• Fred exchanges rapid-fire puns and gags with his supporting cast while welcoming the audience.
• Peter Van Steeden and the orchestra perform “Be a Good Sport,” setting the jovial, festive tone.

Memorable quote:
“Eeny, meeny, minie and the mole the merrier. Folks, all roads lead to the old Town Hall…” — Fred Allen [02:14]

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Parody Town Hall News Bulletin

[04:03–10:59]

• Fred Allen presents a comedic “newsreel” recounting the nation’s cold wave, with mock interviews of exaggerated regional characters:
  • Nova Scotia’s Mr. Tufton Pump claims an icicle came out when he tried to sing.
  • Mrs. Nadine Whine in Wisconsin says it was so cold, “I shook half the spots off of polka dot.”
  • A push cart baron in New York recounts trying to collect a 15-year-old debt, only to have his fingers freeze off.
  • California, of course, denies any bad weather.
  • Farmer Straggle in Arkansas brags his milk “freezes right in” his cows and he “snaps it off in steaks.”

Noteworthy Quotes:

• “It was so doggone cold, I opened my mouth to sing Old Man River. What came out? An icicle two cornices long.” — Mr. Tufton Pump [05:58]
• “Milk freezes right in ’em. I’ve been getting it out in steaks.” — Farmer Straggle [10:24]

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Musical Acts & Comedic Routines

[11:00–14:18]

• The Basin Street Boys perform a lively tune, “You Drove the Gloom Away.”
• The recurring interruption from “Jack Benny” begins—a running gag with someone repeatedly insisting he’s Benny, to Allen’s mock irritation.

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“Advice” for the Holidays & Product Sponsor Comedy

[14:18–16:40]

• Fred Allen interviews “J. Aloysius Grump,” a holiday pessimist who bemoans overindulgence at Christmas.
  • Allen cleverly segues into a tongue-in-cheek plug for laxative Sal Hepatica, tying it into holiday woes.

Quote:
“Father’s checking account is going to have fallen arches... People all over the country will go through the holidays eating too much and drinking too much and feeling like the end of a misspent life.” — J. Aloysius Grump [15:11]

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Celebrity Interview: Willie King, Lunch Wagon Proprietor

[18:46–25:47]

• Fred Allen interviews Willie King, legendary owner of the Warner Brothers studio lunch wagon. Their chat is a parade of celebrity-studded anecdotes, food jokes, and showbiz gossip, as King reveals:
  • He has the exclusive lunch wagon concession at the studio.
  • He’s served everyone from Clark Gable (who started as an extra) to Bette Davis (crazy about potatoes) and Paul Muni (hard to recognize with a beard).
  • Barton McLean’s record: five steak sandwiches.
  • Songwriter Al Dubin ate an epic feast: “two ham sandwiches, two hot dogs, two hamburgers, salami sandwich with ice cream and plenty of coffee and tea in between.”
  • Advice for aspiring lunch men: “You’ve got to make both ends of meat.” [25:35]

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Comedy Song: “Nobody Loves a Riveter but His Mother”

[25:47–28:20]

• The King’s Men offer a comedic musical number about the unappreciated life of a riveter, blending swing with slapstick banter.

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Audience Interaction & Toothpaste Gag

[31:10–33:03]

• Fred tests the “half-listening” theory by inviting an audience member to recall the show’s sponsor, Ipan Toothpaste’s, advertising claims. The listener recites it impressively well.
• Fred jokes: “Well, this gentleman sort of knocks your expert theory into a cocked hat, doesn’t he?” [32:12]

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Arrival of Jack Benny: Legendary Comedy Rivalry

[35:31–45:33]

• The show’s comic peak: Jack Benny (real this time), Allen’s friendly nemesis, is brought on for a major segment of playful insults, callbacks to their vaudeville days, and an elaborate routine about trying to sell Fred a notorious lemon of a car (the “Maxwell”).
• Allen and Benny riff on each other’s Hollywood careers, talent, and thriftiness, with several classic jibes:
  • Benny: “You ought to know. You swept up the theater every night.”
  • Allen: “No, I was a pretty good juggler. Remember how I used to toss those Indian clubs and do a funny monologue at the same time?”
• They debate the virtues (or lack thereof) of Benny’s Maxwell car, ending with Benny offering to “wrap it in cellophane, tie a big red ribbon around it and give it [to] you for Christmas.”
  • Allen: “If I wake up Christmas morning and find that monstrosity in my stocking, I’ll go barefooted the rest of my life.” [44:30]
  • Their mock rivalry closes with Benny’s car making a rude “noise” as a final jab.

Notable Quotes:

• “If I was Professor Quiz, I’d say correct. Absolutely correct.” — Allen [37:15]
• “Well, Jack, I didn’t make much money in those days, but I was a pretty good juggler...” — Allen [38:19]
• “You swept up the theater every night.” — Benny [38:44]
• “If I wake up Christmas morning and find that monstrosity in my stocking, I’ll go barefooted...” — Allen [44:32]

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Holiday Safety, Another Sponsor, and Setting the Scene

[46:21–47:40]

• Fred delivers a tongue-in-cheek 4th of July safety message—only to be reminded Christmas is the real holiday.
• More comedic sponsor banter on avoiding colds with Sal Hepatica.

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Main Radio Play: “Santa Claus sits down, or Jingle Bells Shall Not Ring Tonight”

[47:40–58:31]

• The “Allen Art Players” perform a comic Christmas fable: Santa Claus, disillusioned by humanity’s ingratitude and mishaps from history (from ancient Rome to Scotland to Paul Revere to modern Washington DC), goes on strike and refuses to ride.
• Each historical sketch is a hilarious, satirical take:
  • In Rome, Santa gives Nero a cigarette lighter, which leads to the burning of Rome.
  • In Scotland, Santa’s gift of a rhyming dictionary gets him mistaken for a lunatic.
  • In America, Paul Revere is suspicious of Santa as a potential British spy.
  • In DC, a government official tells Santa, “No, you’re not. The government is Santa Claus today.” [56:34]
• In the end, Santa relents, proclaims, “Christmas ain’t Christmas without Santa Claus. I’m a-givin’ the world one more chance.” [57:38]

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Closing

[58:31–end]

• Fred Allen & ensemble wish everyone a Merry Christmas on behalf of the cast and sponsors.
• List of musical selections in this episode (e.g., "Be a Good Sport," "I’m Feeling Like a Million").

Final Quote:
“And so then, from all of us to all of you, Merry Christmas.” — Ensemble [58:31]

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “I don’t mind Riff Raff coming in the audience, but when it comes to the microphone...” — Fred Allen [14:27]
• “You’ve got to make both ends of meat.” — Willie King [25:51]
• “If I was Professor Quiz, I’d say correct. Absolutely correct.” — Fred Allen (to Jack Benny) [37:15]
• “No, you’re not. The government is Santa Claus today.” — DC Official, Allen Art Players [56:34]
• “Christmas ain’t Christmas without Santa Claus. I’m givin’ the world one more chance.” — “Santa Claus” [57:38]

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Overall Impression

This episode is a true snapshot of radio’s golden era: the show moves breezily from lampoons of current events to character interviews, songs, tightly-written sketches, and a climactic meeting of comedy titans Fred Allen and Jack Benny. The “Santa Claus Strike” play lampoons both holiday and sociopolitical traditions, capping a show loaded with nostalgia and laughter.

Recommendation:
For anyone interested in vintage comedy, radio history, or the legendary Allen-Benny feud, this episode is a classic—layered, quick-witted, and brimming with holiday spirit (and satire).

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Sarah. Look, I'm standing out front of a.m. p.m. Right now and, well, you're sweet and all, but I found something more fulfilling. Even kind of cheesy. But I like it. Sure, you met some of my dietary needs, but they've just got it all. So farewell, oatmeal. So long, you strange soggy.

[B]

Break up with bland breakfast and taste AM PM's bacon, egg and cheese biscuit made with ktree eggs, smoked bacon and melty cheese on a buttery biscuit. AM PM Too much good stuff.

[C]

An hour of smiles in Town hall tonight, folks. 60 minutes of fun and music. Brought to you by Ipana Toothpaste and Sal Hepatica. I pana for the smile of beauty. Sal Hepatica for the smile of hell. Fun from Hollywood with our star comedian Fred Allen, who tonight brings us Jack Benny music by Peter Van Seden. New features, new music, new laughs. It's Town hall tonight. Listen to that crowd cheer as Fred Allen leads his parade and stars to the old Town hall. Fred's leading the band dressed as Santa followed by those claws in the theater sides of the mighty L and R Players. Let's join the happy crowd, folks. Everybody'. Here they come.

[D]

Speed demons.

[C]

But, Sir Malcolm, you can't break the speed record.

[D]

Beer in traffic. I must, old bean. I've got to get to my radio in a hurry. It's down hold tonight.

[C]

Balloons?

[E]

You just came down, Professor Kickard. Why are you taking your balloon up again?

[D]

The radio reception is better in a status fair, lady. It's Town hall tonight. Deep sea divers.

[C]

Don't tell me you've located a sunken treasure in that wreck, Bill.

[D]

Yeah? There's a radio.

[C]

It still works.

[D]

And it's Jack Spenny tonight.

[C]

Well, sir, here we are before the old Town hall. And there's Fred with an old oil lamp making light of the folks as they pass inside. Let's listen.

[D]

Eeny, meeny, minie and the mole the merrier. Folks, all roads lead to the old Town Hall. Now, don't jostle, madam. Hi there, croak boy. Hi, pest. Hello, Mrs. Cider.

[E]

Is Jack Demi here tonight, Mr. Allen?

[D]

Not all here, but all there is a Danny you'll find on the inside with a joke or tune. And we're starting soon, so hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

[C]

You finished prep?

[D]

You bet, Harry. And it's up to Peter now. His first number is Be a Good Sport.

[C]

Well, I'll drive Red. Let her go, Peter. Be a Good Sport.

[D]

Not on you. Be up or loser. Be a Good Sport. He's great to be a good user I mean kind and be forgiving don't cry over still milk how am I to make a living? So be a good sport what if today hasn't? Throw the weather report they show a lovely tomorrow Even if you live to be 100 life is still too short so be good aces Be good Scout and be the sport. Here at Sports While if today has a song the weather report may show a lovely tomorrow Even if you live to be 100 life is still too short so be good.

[C]

Presenting that Zeller star of Zazzu's Azither ad xylophone Zephyrs titillating Sonambulan satire Zana K. Of the cinema Fred Allen in person.

[D]

Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking. Go away. Go away, boy. Oh, all right. See right away. Get away from this microphone here. Good evening. We must get a weather strip put on the hall. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Well, we have a nice night for it this evening. And before the Hollywood Weather Bureau butts in with a commercial to take the credit for the weather, I'll read you the town hall bulletin for tonight. Hodge White, the first grocer to sell bacon sliced so thin that the streets had to be pinned to the fatty part. As a special announcement, Ard says that during the cold spell he's taking out his dial phones and putting in one of the old stylers. Folks, Hodge says you can't use a dial phone with your mittens on. And it's so doggone cold in the store, if you take your mittens off, it'll frost your hangnails. So until it warms up, Hodge is inviting all mitten lovers to stop in and phone in comfort. So much for smart customer appeal around the village. And now for the town hall news. The curtain, Harry.

[C]

For certain, Fred.

[D]

The curtain for certain. A long fella.

[C]

Hey, I'm only five foot two, Fred.

[D]

The lights go out and we bring you the latest news of the week. The town hall news sees nothing. Shows all Washington D.C. government weather bureau predicts that backbone of recent cold wave is broken and nation can expect moderate temperatures from now on. Downhall News checking on recent snowstorms and below zero weather around the country. Interviews prominent citizens affected. Tales of strange happenings are rampant in the land as a result of recent cold at Bildad, Nova Scotia. Mr. Tufton Pump gives off record statements. How did you find the recent snap, Mr. Pump? It's the worst storm I've seen in these parts in the past 10 years. All but one year didn't you see a storm that year? I didn't see nothing that year, son. I broke my glasses. I see. Well, how cold was it, Mr. Pounce? Well, to give you a rough idea, our Townshend Club gave a community sing last week and they called on me to solo. What happened? It was so doggone cold, I opened my mouth to sing Old Man River. What came out? An icicle two cornices long. Thank you, Mr. Pops. And Eclair, Wisconsin. Mrs. Nadine Whine, a housewife tells her strange story. You say it Was real stormy, Mrs. Hwine?

[E]

Lord, yes. Snow was so high yesterday, folks going by the house was stooping down to look in my transom.

[D]

Was it. Was it uncomfortable indoors?

[E]

I was chilled so bad, I shook half the spots off of polka dot.

[D]

Mother Hubbard must have been cold, all right.

[E]

It was plum bitter. Why, I sat down on a chair and thought I had a frostbite.

[D]

Wasn't it Frostbite?

[E]

No, I was setting onto my false teeth. Below us.

[D]

Thank you, Mrs. Wy. At Rockaway Beach, New York, four dice Messbaum, retired push cart baron, had ghastly experience in the cold wave. What took place, Mr. Methbaum?

[C]

Why what's happening to me should happen to Apollo Bear.

[D]

Did the cold affect you physically?

[C]

Not only physically, but financially.

[D]

Really? What happened? For 15 years, my neighbor, Gold Slob.

[C]

A tight word, but a good one.

[D]

Is owing me $4. Yesterday in a blizzard. I am eating Gold Slob face to face. Beard to be at. We are meeting.

[C]

The temperature is below.

[D]

Below zero. Below zero is asking.

[C]

On top of the mercury, zero is.

[D]

Looking like a hail.

[A]

What do you think makes the perfect snack?

[B]

Hmm. It's gotta be when I'm really craving it and it's convenient.

[A]

Could you be more specific?

[B]

When it's cravinient. Okay, Like a freshly baked cookie made with real butter, available right down the street at a.m. p.m. Or a savory breakfast sandwich I can grab in just.

[E]

A second at a.m. p.m.

[A]

I'm seeing a pattern here.

[B]

Well, yeah, we're talking about what I.

[A]

Crave, which is anything from AM PM.

[B]

What more could you want? Stop by AM PM where the snacks and drinks are perfectly craveable and convenient. That's cravenience ampm. Too much good stuff.

[D]

But what about Gold Slob?

[C]

Gold Slob.

[D]

All of a sudden getting sociable, he's saying. Ms. Brown, for 15 years I'm owing you $4 and today you're catching me.

[C]

In a mood to settle.

[D]

Did you get the money?

[C]

Well, I'm putting out my hand in.

[D]

The coal to Take it and Lauren give out.

[C]

I'm hearing something dropping.

[D]

Was it the $4?

[C]

Not $4.

[D]

It was four of my fingers.

[C]

A climate.

[D]

Thank you, Mr. Nestown. At Hollywood, California, Ms. Fern Fickle, loyal Californian, denies the very existence of a cold wave. You say you didn't observe the sudden change in temperature, Ms. Fickle.

[E]

In California, one doesn't discuss the weather with strangers, mister.

[D]

Why not with strangers? Only entre nou. Why, it was freezing. It was freezing last week.

[E]

Oh, yes. Zero night. The Chamber of Commerce arranges it annually. It's to help people with swimming pools.

[D]

The Chamber of Commerce wants your swimming pools to freeze? Yes.

[E]

Once a year we tip up the ice and sweep out the bottom of the pool.

[D]

You Californians take the cake.

[E]

No, we lower it. Back in the pool instantly.

[D]

You deni. You deny. You deny the existence of bad weather here in Hollywood recently?

[E]

As a loyal Californian, I do.

[D]

Why, it was so cold last night, I saw hail coming down.

[E]

Not hail, tourists. You might have seen some pot rain, but not hail. This is California.

[D]

Thank you, Ms. Fischo. Many farm tenants report unusual happenings. At Pine Snuff, Arkansas. Farmer Conway Straggle is interviewed in his barn. Don't you feel the cold here in your barn, Farmer Straggle?

[C]

You're darn tootin, stranger. So cold in here right now I'm steam heating them hen's nests.

[F]

You.

[D]

You have to heat the nest?

[C]

Sure do. How'd you like to sit down in a nest of cold straw and try to lay an egg?

[D]

Well, I.

[C]

Me neither, son.

[D]

Does the co. Does the cold bother your cows?

[C]

You betcha. Milk freezes right in him. I've been getting it out in steaks.

[D]

Milk. Steaks? Yeah.

[C]

Look, I'll show you. Move over there, Bessie.

[D]

Quiet.

[C]

I'll milk her for you. All right. Easy, Bessie. Take it easy. Now watch this. The milk comes out about a foot. It freezes and I snap her off.

[D]

Thank you, Farmer Straggle. Break me off a pint and I'll take it with me. These flashes have given you an idea of the present day machine age cold wave, ladies and gentlemen. But in the mind of the oldest inhabitant. The outstanding cold wave ever to sweep this country occurred during the winter of 1871. On the night of January 2, 1871, the mercury took a 52 degrees drop. The drop. And now, ladies and gentlemen, our first guest stars tonight, the Basin Street Boys. You have heard their voices many times in musical cartoons. And tonight they sing their latest number. You drove the gloom away when sky cloudy and gray and rains hot all day. You did something sweet to me. Drove, drove, drove away. When snow on the ground and trees is good be found. You did something sweet to me. Drove, drove, drove away. Think divine by I'm so wild. But you played in and outed all your mind. When snow was on the ground and three feet could be found. You did something sweet to me. Drove, drove, drove away. Sam. Sa. Oh, baby. J bl.

[E]

I'm so wild about you, baby.

[D]

And desires of your mind. When snow is on the ground and trees is good. You did something sweet to me. Oh, now, honey baby. And now, much as it pains me and will you. May I present Jalo again. This is Jack Benny talking. Will you go away?

[C]

Oh.

[D]

May I present, ladies and gentlemen. I don't mind Riff Raff coming in the audience, but when it comes to the microphone, may I present Mr. J. Aloysius Grump, who sees all, tells all and knows enough after reading a reliable weather report to come in out of the rain. Mr. Grump, I hope I understand. I understand you're a bit of a prophet in your spare time, Mr. Graham. You said it, Alan. You said it. I'm in the nose, eh? So I can tell what's going to happen before it happens, see? And I'd like to say right here now that from where I sit, the outlook's pretty gloomy. Pretty gloomy indeed. Yes, sir. What with. With Christmas coming on. That's just my point. Most of the girls who'd like to.

[C]

Have mink coats for Christmas are going.

[D]

To get washing machines willy nilly. Hank, you said it. Father's checking account is going to have fallen arches. And that ain't all.

[C]

People all over the country will go.

[D]

Through the holidays eating too much and drinking too much and feeling like the end of a misspent life. And there's nothing they can do about it.

[C]

Oh, now, come, come, Mr. Grump. You are painting a pretty gloomy picture here. Granted, a lot of us will overindulge during the holidays. And naturally we will feel stuffy or grouchy or have a headache because that overindulge has upset our stomachs. But there is something you can do about it, ladies and gentlemen. You can reach for a friendly bottle of Sal hepatica because so many physicians will tell you that sluggish under par feeling is so often caused by two things. Accumulated waste and gastric acidity. And Sal hepatica is a quick acting, effervescent mineral salt laxative made especially to get after both of these conditions at once. That's why, it is particularly effective, ladies and gentlemen, because Sal Hepatica not only removes accumulated waste through laxation, but besides, it also counteracts that acidity. So just put 2 teaspoonfuls of Sal Hepatica in a glass of water and drink it. You'll soon be feeling alert, alive, feeling that there is a Santa Claus. If you'll just remember. Sal Hepatica for the smile of Hell.

[D]

Sa.

[E]

Sam.

[D]

Ram, Peter Van Steeden and the Ipana troubadours have just played Limehouse Blue. And now, ladies and gentlemen, you didn't expect to meet Jello again. Mr. Jack Benny talking. Will you get a. Will you get away from here? Is this Wednesday night or not?

[F]

Well.

[D]

As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, tonight. You didn't expect to meet whom, Fred? Well, right in back of this radio studio on the Warner Brothers lot here, Harry, there's a gentleman who operates a lunch wagon day and night. He is a veritable tornado of chopped meat and onions, for he is a genial Merlin who assembles hamburgers at an instant's notice for his customers. And his customers, Harry, are only movie and radio celebrities. Now, I think a man who works untold hours to help radio and movie favorites fend off malnutrition has an odd profession.

[C]

He certainly has, Fred.

[D]

Well, I've invited him to jump out of his frying pan into our fire this evening and see how it feels to be grilled himself. And so then, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, I know you didn't expect to meet Mr. Willie King. Willie, you always make all of us feel at home at your lunch wagon. And Harry and I want you to feel at home here with us tonight.

[F]

Thank you, Ms. Allen. I'll do my best.

[D]

Well, first of all, do you just operate this one lunch wagon in back of the studio?

[F]

No, I have six wagons older.

[D]

Yes. Where are the other five touring cafes?

[F]

They're in the garage. I only use them for special occasions.

[D]

For banquets, weddings and things like that. You mean.

[F]

No. When one of the picture companies go on location, I send out my truck to serve lunch to the actress and mechanic.

[D]

I see. You have the location concession, right?

[F]

I'm the only lunch man with the exclusive concession at the studio.

[D]

You? You haven't any competition, then?

[F]

Well, there's one fella running a freelance lunch wagon, but he can't muscle in on my territory.

[D]

Hey, a freelance lunch wagon. And isn't that fellow they call Tomain Sam, is it?

[F]

I won't mention any names. Why should I advertise a competitor?

[D]

You're right, Willie. Well, tell me, has your lunch wagon ever been in any of the Warner pictures?

[F]

Yes, at the one you ate. You eat was used. I'm a fugitive from a chain gang.

[D]

It was in I'm a Fugitive. A chain gang, huh? Well, how did it scream for not being made up?

[F]

And considering it's a wagon, it looked pretty good.

[D]

Well, you ought to paint your wagon red, Willie, and be ready for Technicolor.

[F]

You think it's a bad idea?

[D]

I think it's a good idea. There's one. Don't mind my voice tonight, Willie. I'm taking voice lessons from Andy Devine's teacher. It's just having effective. But say, there's one. One question I forgot. I should have really asked you first. Willie, how did you get into this a la carte cafe business?

[F]

Well, years ago I used to be in picture business.

[D]

Uh huh. Now it comes out. You're an actor, huh?

[F]

No, I was assistant director with Larry Seaman and Silent Pictures.

[D]

What was the last picture you worked on?

[F]

The wizard of Oz.

[D]

Were there any actors who are stars today?

[F]

In the wizard of Oz, Clark Gable was an extra. In that picture he carried a spear.

[D]

I wonder. I wonder. I wonder what ever became of that sphere.

[F]

I wouldn't know.

[D]

Naturally. But how did. How did you happen to work yourself up from assistant directing to owning a lunch wagon? Well.

[F]

Well, when the talkies came in, I asked Jack Warner to give me the lunchroom concession at his studio.

[D]

And Jack Warner did, huh?

[F]

Yes, Fred, that was 12 years ago. And thanks to his kindness, I've been in business ever since.

[D]

Well, I imagine, Willie, that During the past 12 years you have sold a sandwich to practically every big star on the Warner lot.

[F]

Yes, I've known them all.

[D]

And you're acquainted with all of the Warner stars today, of course.

[F]

Oh, yes. Dick Powell, Joe Modell, Edward G. Robinson, Andy Devine, Pet o', Brien, Leslie Howard.

[D]

What does. Say, what does Leslie Howard usually have for lunch? Kippers and crumpets?

[F]

No, Mr. Howard generally has coffee and donuts.

[D]

Well, confidentially, Willie, you have a coffee. Leslie Howard dunking?

[F]

Well, one day.

[D]

Now wait for your laugh, Willie. Wait for your laugh. That's right.

[F]

Well, one day when he was. When he was drinking his coffee, I did hear his splash.

[D]

You heard a splash while Mr. Howard was drinking his coffee? Was Les dunking?

[F]

No, his wristwatch fell in his coffee.

[D]

Well, who else bolts calories at your table date trailer?

[F]

Ruby Keeler.

[D]

Does Ruby like your hamburgers?

[F]

She says they're the best in town.

[D]

No kidding, huh? Is Al. Al. What's his name? Her husband? Al. That fella, is he a hamburger addict? No, no.

[F]

Al generally takes his steaks smothered in ketchup.

[D]

What about Bette Davis?

[F]

Ms. Davis is crazy about potatoes. I've seen her order fried potatoes and potato salad in the same plate.

[D]

I imagine you treasure the mental picture you have of Ms. Davis's potatoes among your starchy souvenirs.

[F]

Willie, there's no time for sentiment when you're running a lunch wagon, friend.

[D]

Say, I've forgotten. One of Warner Brothers most important stars. Willie, have you ever served Paul Muni?

[F]

Sure, but I have trouble recognizing him. He looks so different in every picture.

[D]

You've never chased Mr. Muni away from the wagon, have you?

[F]

No, but once when he was making Louis Pasteur. I kept him waiting a half an hour. I didn't recognize him with his beard on.

[D]

Did Mr. Muni stop in for lunch? And Emil Zola?

[F]

Every day.

[D]

I'd like to have seen Zola eating a hamburger.

[F]

Say, if they're good enough for Paul Muni, they're good enough for Zola.

[D]

You've been catering to movie folks so long, Willie. Tell me, who eats more, the stars or the extras?

[F]

Well, the extra. Usually. Lots of these stars are dieting while they're working.

[D]

Have you ever witnessed any unusual gluttony at your wagon?

[F]

Once I saw Barton McLean eat five steak sandwiches in a row.

[D]

Five steak sandwiches? Is that an all time vitamin record?

[F]

No, I think Al Dubin, the songwriter, holds the record.

[D]

Oh, I see now. He's a pretty big boy.

[F]

Al must weigh about 250.

[D]

I know. I heard they offered him a job as a stand in over at the Elysian Mountain until they get the runaway part. Still, they get the runaway part back in place.

[E]

What did that.

[D]

What did Al eat the day he broke your record?

[F]

As I recall, Al had two ham sandwiches, two hot dogs, two hamburgers, salami sandwich with ice cream and plenty of coffee and tea in between.

[D]

What? An album. Say when he finished?

[F]

It wasn't a word.

[D]

I get it. Well. Well, thank. Well, thanks, Willie, for giving us this opportunity to put on our optical napkins and take a peek behind your mound of chopped steak and onion.

[F]

It's been a pleasure, Fred.

[D]

You. You like the radio business?

[F]

Hey, it's not bad. You don't have to wear an apron.

[D]

Yeah, I know. But you. You found the secret of success in your own business, Willie. You've hitched your lunch wagon to a.

[F]

Movie star and the Warner Brothers, right?

[D]

Every sandwich, a Warner Brother production. Now, before you go, is there a word of encouragement or advice you'd like to give to any youngsters who might be thinking of going into your business?

[F]

Only this, Fred. If you're going to be a success making hamburger sandwiches, you've got to make.

[D]

Both ends of meat. Meat. Meat as in hamburger. I see. Well, good night and thank you, Willie King. Now, ladies and gentlemen, the King's Man. Tonight, the boys sing Nobody Loves a Riveter but his mother. Hammer away, boy. Get me Gotcha get me gotcha all for one and one for all that's how us girls play basketball get me gotcha, get me gotcha that's how I earn me weekly check Put a hammer on me shoulder and a girder around me neck hey, you guys, look at that swell dame down below. There she go. Get me. Hey, how do you get that? Hit me there with the red hot river.

[C]

Oh, look what you're doing, you clumsy boo.

[D]

Oh, I'm fed up with this lousy job anyway. Why, a girl can love a sailor A butcher or a tailor but nobody loves a riveter but his mother A.

[C]

Girl can love a plumber or some.

[D]

Guy even dumber but nobody loves a riveter but his mother she'd love a crook who'd break into a jewelry shop if she's a cook she'd even love a cop on earth but when we start to rivet no woman can live it so nobody loves a riveter but his mother. A girl can love an actor A lawyer or contractor but nobody loves a riveter but his mother Nobody loves a riveter but his Mother King Solomon 10,000 wives all paid his rent R nut and each one paid 1/10 of 1% oh, for goodness sake. But when we start to river no woman can outlive it so nobody loves a river but his mother get me gotcha. Thank you. Our next guest, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Eugene Lester. Mr. Lester is not a soloist by profession. Gene is the official candid cameraman for the popular radio magazine, the Radio Guide. Gene, you're out here in Hollywood doing candid camera work on some of the radio shows, aren't you?

[C]

Yes, Fred.

[D]

I've been shooting all the shows originating from the west coast here. You have, huh? What shows have you done recently? Well, so far I've done the Hollywood Mardi Gras, the Burns and Allen Show, Phil Baker, and then I think that.

[C]

Fellow sitting over there in the corner.

[F]

Was on one of them.

[D]

Oh, Mr. Benny. Yeah, that's the one. Well, the. You'll know as soon as you get the things developed. Yeah, I. There's any doubt, if there's any doubt as to what's been going on, Gene, and your camera. As soon as you get the strips developed, you can let us know. When are these going to be in these pictures you been snapping? I saw you taking some in our dress rehearsal today. When are they going to be in Radio Guide?

[C]

Well, these pictures that I've taken today.

[D]

Will be in your issue of radio guide on January 7th. January 7th. And you do. I heard you humming at your work, you know, the other day. And that is the reason why we've sort of invited you to carol for us this evening. Gene, do you. Do you do much singing ad libitum besides your camera work? Well, I do a lot of singing in the dark room where nobody can hear me. Well, but tonight you're going to come right out with the lights on and see what happens, huh? You prefer photography to. To singing? Well, they sort of both work hand in hand. Well, they do, in a way. It's there. The only difference is that a photographer would be. Have to tell other people to look out for little birdie, whereas the singer would have to look out for the little birdie. Him. But. Well. All right, Gene, I guess we have exhausted the fun for the moment. We just. We mustn't be too funny now because Mr. Benny is coming along with a wham. Shortly. What are you going to sing, James?

[C]

Well, there's a new tune called Rosalie that seems to be pretty popular.

[D]

Rosalie. From the picture of the same name? That's right. All right, Rosalie. Thank you.

[C]

Once above I'm all so much in love here, Rosalie, have mercy Rosalie, don't be fly Won't you make my life thrilling and tell me you're willing to be my.

[D]

My. Dean Lester, ladies and gentlemen. Radio guy, standard camera expert. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you have no serious objections, I'd like to conduct a little experiment. Experiment? At this point, you see, some expert has just burst into print with a statement that radio audiences listen with only half their minds and consequently have only a vague idea of what they hear.

[C]

Well, do you think you can change all that, Fred?

[D]

No, Harry. All I want to do is to prove or disprove it. Now, if I can just get someone within the range of these tired eyes. Well, this gentleman here in the front row. Do you listen regularly to this program, sir? Every chance I get, my public. Would you. Would you mind stepping up to the microphone? Just a second, sir. Pledge to thank you. Now, will you tell me in your own words what Mr. Von Hell says every week about I pan a toothpaste.

[C]

Well, I'll try. Let's see. He recommends I pan a toothpaste and massage. And my dentist backed him up on it, too. He says you can help keep your teeth bright and sparkling with the regular use of Ipana. Then I think he makes a very good point when he says that the soft, creamy foods we eat don't give our gums enough work to do. But if we massage our gums every day with Ipana toothpaste, we can give them the exercise they need to help keep them firm and healthy. I guess that just about covers everything. Well, Fred, this gentleman sort of knocks your expert theory into a cocked hat, doesn't he? Well, of course, Mr. Von Zell, I've been using Ipana for a couple of years now, and just lately with one of those new double duty toothbrushes. So I've had plenty of chance to check up on your statements. Maybe that's why I remember them so well. Well, whatever the reason is, we're very indebted to you, sir. Not at all, Mr. Bonsel. Oh, there's one more thing I didn't mention.

[D]

Well, maybe we better leave that for Harry. He might feel slighted if we didn't. Go ahead, Harry.

[C]

Well, I don't know. All that's left for me to say is since brighter teeth and healthier gums naturally mean a far more attractive smile. Ladies and gentlemen, always remember, I panna for the smile of beauty. Paranormal. Tonight will continue immediately following a short pause for your station identification.

[D]

Thank you. Peter and Van Steden and the Ipana Troubadours have just played part of I'm Feeling Like a Million. We started our new service a few weeks ago, ladies and gentlemen. You know, on all of the hour programs, right in the middle where the announcer says, this is station so and so and so and so, the music always sort of dies out, and for a few brief seconds, you miss part of the tune. So week after week now, we are going to give you back the few little bars of music you miss when the announcer speaks in our program. Will you play the few strains there, Peter, for us, please? Thank you very much. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you fit that back into the part you heard before the announcer spoke, you have. I'm Feeling Like a Million. Now, on Friday night, the poor Jervis String Ensemble will.

[E]

Do you mind If I interrupt, Mr. Alice?

[D]

Why, no Portland. Into each life some rain must fall. Unless one lives in Palm Springs, of.

[E]

Course, or unless one is an Old maid.

[D]

What is an old maid to do with no rain falling in her lives?

[E]

If an old maid never gets married, she never gets a shower, does she?

[D]

As long as she's healthy. What is this?

[E]

Well, I've got a big surprise for you tonight, Mr. Allen.

[D]

Big surprise. Now look Portland, this is the day of Digest publications, concentrated foods and capsule criticism. Couldn't you sense the trend and show up with a little surprise?

[E]

But this is the biggest thing you've had on the program this year.

[D]

Hello again for the fourth time. Now look Portland, a thing on the program we don't need stuff. I don't mind, but not a thing.

[E]

But Mr. Ellen, it isn't a thing. This is an old friend of yours from the days of Boville.

[D]

If it's Otto the train seal, throw him a fish and tell him I'm busy. Now wait a minute, Fred. If you'll just take your nose one you used to talk through out of that microphone, you'll see that it's me. Oh, Jack. Jack Benny. Well, I'm terr. Wait a minute, there's a reception goes in there. I was. I was worried there for a minute. Well, you've been on four times. If you all took a little bit each time it's better you get it all at once like this. Let it pile up. Well, I'm terribly sorry, Jack. I didn't notice you. How long have you been standing there? Since 8 o' clock this morning. They've been using me instead of the bull of a watch time.

[E]

Thank Jack. Did Mary come along with you?

[C]

No, 40.

[D]

She wanted to come over but she's busy with her Christmas shopping.

[E]

Christmas shopping?

[D]

Yeah, right now she's over Bullock's wheelchair putting me through bank.

[E]

That gives me an idea how he.

[D]

Ho, Jack along 40. Well, Jack, this is quite a surprise you dropping in. I didn't know you were going to be here tonight. I didn't know it either, Fred, until I heard you announce it five times last week. But don't get me wrong, Freddy. I appreciate that buildup. I'm one guy who knows that it pays to advertise. Now listen here, Benny, if that's a hint you're not getting one cent for crawling in here tonight and you know it. Why Fred, I really. I didn't expect to get paid for this. I haven't any more right to take money for working on this program than you have. You for a while. There now those armchair jokes, they'll hold you for a while. Now hold on there. Hold on there, Benny. That's an insult. If I was Professor Quiz, I'd say correct. Absolutely correct. And if I was major bows, you'd have left with a unit 10 minutes ago. Hey, that's nice work if you can get it. You know, Freddy, I wouldn't mind being back in vaudeville again, though. Would you? Ah, those were the good old days. Yes. Say, Fred, no kidding. Will you ever forget the time you and I were together at the Orpheum Theater in Sioux City, Iowa?

[F]

Yep.

[D]

Only I was on the stage. I don't care, Freddy. I made more money selling peanuts in one day than you did all week. Well, Jack, I didn't make much money in those days, but I was a pretty good juggler. Remember how I used to toss those Indian clubs in the air and do a funny monologue at the same time? I sure do. And, Fred, you remember when you dropped those clubs? You'd let them lay there right alongside of your joke.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Well, you ought to know. You swept up the theater every night. I did not. I used to stay in the theater late just to practice my violin. And you should have stuck to your.

[C]

A broom.

[D]

I should have stuck to my own program, too. I had to ask for this. Y. Well, you had to write it. Yes.

[C]

Well, Red.

[D]

Anyway, a lot of water has gone over the darn since then, huh? Over the dawn. Yes. Fred, you know how careful we have to be.

[C]

But, Jessica. Think, Freddy.

[D]

Just think. Here we are, both in Hollywood and both of us in pictures. It does seem unreasonable, doesn't it, for Fred? Maybe I shouldn't point this out, but I. I do make a lot more pictures than you do. Well, Jack, there's so little of you in each one, you have to make more. Oh, is that why they do? Glad you brought that up. How do you like pictures, Fred? Fine. Jack, I just finished one called Sally, Irene and Mary. I'm leaving for New York next week. Oh, they're releasing you instead of the picture? Now, Benny, if you're here to drip venom, heed your promiscuous feathering and remember that retribution is the trailer that follows oral pollution. Alan, you're just lucky I don't know what you're talking about. Anyway, I had a hunch you were going back east, Fred, and that's why I came up here to see you. Have you decided which way you're going back? I mean, which form of transportation? Well, I was going to take the boat and go through Panama, but I've got a hat, so I decided to. I decided to take the train. Well, Fred, I. I. Of course, I don't want to influence you one way or the other. But have you ever thought of driving back east? You know, by automobile? What kind of an automobile? Now don't rush me. And it's in good condition too. No kidding. Would you like to drive back home, Freddy? No, Jack, I'll. I'll stick to the Chief. Well, if you'd rather hang around with India, the Chief is a train. As you will find out when you finish your next picture, Mr. Benny. Say, what are you trying to get at anyway? Well, Fred, I own a Maxwell and I thought that. You don't think you can palm that tin nightmare off on me I hope. Why, I wouldn't be found dead in that car. Say, you're no better than the engine. Why, the engine in that steam cabinet is so dead the front wheels are nothing but rubber. Where is that uncovered wagon? It's right outside the door. Hey boys, boys, will you drive my Maxwell in please?

[C]

Now be careful fellas.

[D]

It's a high powered car there, you know. Right in here boys, right in here.

[C]

Well you want us to leave it.

[D]

Right here, Mr. Benny? Yes.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Thanks fellow. What. What's that noise? Noise? I'll cut off the motor so we can hear. That's better. Yeah.

[C]

Hey Mr. Benny, I guess this belongs to you. Oh, the door.

[D]

Yes, thanks.

[C]

I. I went to close it and it came off. Off in my hand.

[D]

Well, you can stick it back on with a little new skin, Jack. Say, what's that bottle of scotch doing tied on the front? That's for the radiator on New Year's Eve. It looks like the car's got a hangover already. Benny, you may not be a snake in the grass but you're sure hanging around with the rattler there. That's liable Alan. And if I had my riders here, what we'd call you be a four bell ran. Say, what. Say, what was that? Did the engine drop out? No smarty, it's the new sunken motor. And listen to this horn. That note is by Stakowski. Well how, how is. How is the car on gas? Well, I get about four miles to the court. If. I insist. If you. If you put your foot down.

[F]

Yes.

[D]

Yeah. Well how much does that make to the gallon? Well, I never put in a gallon. I don't believe in spoiling a car. You know how it is with gas tanks. Easy come, easy go. Well Al, what do you say? Well, now that I've had the good look at this bear trap, Jack, I know why the Matchwell people went into the coffee business. Now Freddy, I'm not begging you to take this car. Only I thought. Well, you walk all the time. You're not getting any younger. I think you ought to take your varicose veins out for a spin once in a while. What are you asking for this rhapsody and junk? I'm asking $95. F, O, B. F, O, B For old Benny. How about it, Fred? Hey, if you don't know laughing at your next Sunday show. All right.

[C]

If you don't know.

[D]

I'd give a thousand dollars if I could think of an answer right now. If you don't know by now that I don't want that car, you ought to have your skull in. All right, Fred. As long as you don't want to buy it. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll wrap it in cellophane, tie a big red ribbon around it and give it here for Christmas. How's that? If I wake up Christmas morning and find that monstrosity in my stocking, I'll go barefooted the rest of my life. That would be nothing new for you, you hillbilly. But you don't even want it for a present. I don't want it. Present past the future. You can take that animated skill. All right, Fred, all right. I merely wanted to be a good fellow, that's all. You don't want the car, and I think you don't. I'll be on my way. No hard feelings, I hope. No, Jack, I haven't anything against you, not Benny the Man. I'm just not in the market, that's all. I hope I didn't offend you. Oh, no, Freddy. I'll just have to sell it to some other guy.

[C]

Well, Merry Christmas, old boy.

[D]

Same to you, Jack, and good luck. Thanks, Freddy. Goodbye. Say, what was that, Jack? That's what my car thinks of you, Alan. Go on, everybod. Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen. Very well done, Master Benny. You've come a long way since the last time we met. And now. Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's all get together and make this coming holiday a safe, sane and happy one. Will you buy your cap, pistols, Roman candles, toy cannon and firecrackers? Be sure.

[C]

Wait, wait, wait just a minute, Fred. What holiday are you talking about anyway?

[D]

By the 4th of July, of course.

[C]

Well, Fred, the coming holiday is Christmas.

[D]

I know that, Harry, but if you start talking about Christmas these days, you run into a lot of competition. And besides, I had a message up my sleeve. I want people to be careful. I want them to be able to enjoy their holiday.

[C]

Fred, I had a holiday message also.

[D]

Oh, Harry, did I spoil it for you?

[C]

Well, no, because I want everybody to enjoy the holidays too. And I want them to be careful, especially careful of a cold. Because nothing can take the merry out of a merry Christmas more completely than a cold. That's why I hope that during the holidays Everyone will be sure to have a bottle of sal hepatica on hand. Because so many physicians say you can often help throw up a cold more quickly if at its very beginning, you do two important and fundamental things. One, remove accumulated waste. And two, counteract the acidity that so frequently accompanies a cold. And Sal hepatica, ladies and gentlemen, is an effective mineral salt laxative that does both of those things at once. It not only removes accumulated waste through laxation, but it also helps nature counteract that acidity. So don't take chances on a cold spoiling your holidays. Take Sal Hepatica for the smile of hell.

[D]

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you those theatrical termites who have gone through their artistic lives trying to bring down the house. The mighty Alan Art players. Tonight they present a Christmas fable. It's called Santa Claus sits down or jingle bells shall not ring tonight. Over to you, Peter.

[C]

This is station ng, ng, folks.

[D]

Our next program will be. Just a minute. Folks.

[C]

Here's the bulletin from the radio news bureau. A rumor has just reached this that Santa cars will not ride this Christmas. Unconfirmed reports ride throughout the country that Santa Claus is on sit down strike. What's going on in Santa Claus's igloo? Stand by, folks. Assassinated press is investigating the trouble. And we hope. Is this the Santa Clausicle?

[E]

Yes, I'm Mrs. Claus.

[D]

I'm Phil be of the assassinated Press. I'm here to check on this rumor that Santa Claus refuses to ride this year.

[E]

Oh, I'm glad you come. I've been fighting with him all week and he refused us to bud.

[C]

Well, where is Santa Claus now?

[E]

All the old fools in the next room sulking. I'll get him. Hey, Santa.

[C]

Oh, it ain't no use coaching, ma.

[D]

Or you ain't g.

[E]

Come on out, stupid. You got company.

[D]

Oh, well, what's on your mind, son? Well, I'm from the assassinated press. Santa Claus. Now, what's this? I don't know. I. I ain't riding now. But this is Christmas Eve. Trees are lit up. Millions of children have hung up their stockings. The whole world is waiting. Well, regardless, I ain't riding.

[E]

Ain't no use, mister. He's stubborn.

[C]

No, I Ain't stubborn neither. I'm sick of being Santa Claus, holding.

[D]

The bag every year. Well, you must have a reason for quitting.

[C]

I got plenty of reasons. But will you talk for the press?

[D]

Might. Swell, I guess. Well now, Santa, why won't you ride tonight?

[C]

Well, I'll tell you, son.

[D]

It's a long story.

[C]

I've been clause in it for 1937 years, son. I've been a bringing presents boys. The kiddies loud neckties and handkerchiefs for grown ups every Christmas trying to spread joy. But my efforts down through the ages has been a bit of disappointment. My intentions has been good, but my reward has been nothing but greed. The first trouble I had was in ancient Rome. It was Christmas Eve. In the Cor de Nero, the Emperor was playing a violin concerto.

[D]

Is your emperor the best fiddler in Rome? Las is your king a master of pizzicato? El Nero playing Encore.

[C]

No, Nero.

[D]

What, you dog. Be gone.

[C]

Hypocrite.

[D]

Clear my throne room. Yes. Now I can play my violin. I'm alone. What's this? What fell out of my chimney?

[C]

Merry Christmas, Nero. Merry Christmas.

[D]

Who are you Lumpkins, the chimney sweep?

[C]

I'm Santa Claus Nero, bearing Christmas gifts for your Majesty.

[D]

Cad Zooks.

[C]

Another basket of fruit from the Rome Kiwanis Club.

[D]

No.

[C]

My gift is a trinket.

[D]

Rare.

[C]

So rare it hasn't even been invented yet.

[D]

Bodkins. What is this tiny golden box?

[C]

It's a cigarette lighter, Nero. Turn your little wheel, gramercy.

[D]

It flames.

[E]

It flames.

[C]

Merry Christmas, Nero.

[D]

Oh, it flames. Romer scoffs at my fiddle. Nero will have his revenge.

[C]

Hey, watch that lighter, Nero. Oh, you're setting fire to the draper.

[D]

I'm setting fire to all Rome. Revenge. Look out, hero. Be careful.

[C]

So you see, son, if it wasn't for Santa Claus, Rome wouldn't have burned.

[D]

Well, I know that.

[C]

But here I was trying to spread good cheer and what did I get?

[D]

Singed whiskers. But that was 2,000 years ago.

[C]

Nero was only the starter. My troubled son. A few centuries later I had trouble in a little country to the north of England. That Christmas I had a present for a young poet. I peeked in the window.

[D]

He was writing a sonnet.

[C]

His mother. Come into the room, Father.

[E]

Father, I. Mother, it's time you were a bed blood. I'm composing, mother. Have you not heard them? A poet? A poet at your age, Robbie. I am Robbie Burton, the youngest Portland of the Glenn. Are you concocting a limerick? Where you want to? It's no finish. I can't think of A rhyme for brave pay pay in a scotch song Are he a dark lover who'll be last on the hit parade? Well, you better find the rhyme in a hurry and go to bed composing on Christmas. It's easy, Evil. Good night. Good night, mother. Oh, I'm brave Plain gay several ways. Who are you coming out of that chimney?

[C]

I'm Santa Claus, Bobby Burns. Merry Christmas.

[E]

What's your business, red britches?

[C]

I'm Santa Claus. Bobby, I brought you something here.

[E]

A rhyming dictionary.

[D]

Hootman.

[E]

Let me look. Hi. Pray Ray say Ray, will me and my true love will ever want this slay I have bonnie rhyme. I've written a gem.

[C]

Merry Christmas, Bobby.

[E]

How much are you asking for the rhyming dictionary clause?

[C]

It's Christmas, Bobby. I'm giving it to you.

[E]

Givin it.

[B]

Help.

[E]

Phantom. Help. Oh, feather.

[C]

What's wrong, son?

[E]

Look, Mom's a lunatic.

[D]

Fathom a da sandy hand.

[C]

I'm Santa Claus. Mr. Burns. I only gave Bobby a Christmas gift.

[D]

Give him.

[C]

Grab him, son.

[D]

Take him to the asylum.

[C]

Hold on, Mr. Burns. I only gave your son a present.

[D]

Exactly. A man who gives anything away in.

[C]

Scotland belongs in a parent cell.

[D]

Grab him, son.

[C]

Scotland? I was in the booby hatched there for 30 days.

[D]

But that was 200 years ago.

[C]

I know. But a few Christmases later I got a raw deal in another suburb of England. It was called the American colonies. I dropped in at the house of some fellow named Paul Revere. His wife was preparing dinner as Paul.

[D]

Came through the door. Dinner ready, Essie?

[E]

Yes, Paul. Pull up a chair.

[D]

No, no. Set my plate on mantelpiece.

[E]

Can't you sit down here, Torridell? My that land was that ride was.

[D]

Last April through every Middlesex village in farm ain't what's around Central park get there.

[E]

You ought to try and sit down for Christmas, Paul. It'd be a nice present for your spy.

[D]

Who's that?

[E]

Might be a British spy, Paul. The woods is full of them.

[D]

Hand me my gun.

[C]

I'll talk to him through the door.

[D]

Who's there?

[C]

Merry Christmas, Paul.

[D]

It's Santa Claus. So what? I've got your Christmas present car. It's a cushion stuffed with fuzz from Delaware peaches. Can I sit onto it? You bet. Sounds mighty tempting, Effie. I'll let him in.

[E]

It might be a British trick.

[D]

Paul, don't open that door I'm standing for. If this is the bill open now. I've got my gun, Effie. I'll open the door crack.

[C]

Merry Christmas, Paul.

[E]

Look at his foot. Paul.

[D]

A red coat.

[E]

Take this now.

[D]

Whoa now, Paul.

[C]

Well, sir, when I got back to my play and sat down, I was mighty glad I still had that cushion full of peach fuzz. You see, son, the world's given old Santa plenty of trouble.

[D]

But all these troubles were years ago, Santa Claus. People appreciate you today.

[C]

You're wrong, son.

[D]

Only last Christmas, I went down to a place called Washington, D.C. i got confused and went down the wrong chimney. I come out in some office coming down the chimney, I heard a man phone him.

[C]

Hello, Hummingbird Conservation Project, Professor Beak speaking. $2 million for a hummingbird community bird bath in Florida. I'll mail your check Monday. Goodbye, dear. What are you doing here? Merry Christmas. I'm Santa Claus. Santa Claus? One of the Wagner act causes? No, no.

[D]

I'm a mythical character.

[C]

Oh, a friend of Jim Farley's, eh?

[D]

No, no. I come down from the North Pole once a year to give things away. I give and give all up and down the land to make people happy.

[C]

You do? Well, you'd better go back to the Pole, fatty. But I'm Santa. No, you're not. The government is Santa Claus today. And that was only last year, son. That's why my spirit's broken. Being Santa Claus is just one pain in the urming after another. Well, won't you reconsider?

[D]

Think how the headline will look in the paper.

[C]

Santa Claus on sit down Strike.

[D]

Well, Santa ain't a getting up, son.

[C]

This is one Christmas I'm going to enjoy.

[D]

And peace.

[C]

What's that?

[D]

Clock striking 12 o'.

[C]

Clock. Santa, it's Christmas day.

[D]

It is, eh?

[C]

Well, I ain't moving.

[D]

I don't mean nothing to me. I'm sitting here, I'm taking it easy. I'm leaning right back here.

[C]

Not getting kicked around this Christmas.

[D]

Oh, shush. Hey, Ma.

[E]

Yes, and where's my mittens?

[D]

My bag? My reindeer, my slave, you mean. Yep. I'm going, Ma. I thought you said.

[C]

I've changed my mind, son.

[D]

Christmas ain't Christmas without Santa Claus.

[C]

I'm a giving the world one more chance.

[E]

But what about my story?

[C]

Santa on sit down.

[D]

Change the headline, son. Just say, Buck, Santa rides again. Before we meet again next Wednesday, ladies and gentlemen, Christmas will have come and gone. So right now I want to wish every one of you the merriest and the happiest kind of a holiday. This comes from Peter and Harry and from our sponsors, the makers of Atana toothpaste and Sal Hepaticus.

[C]

And so then from all of us.

[D]

To all of you, Merry Christmas.

[C]

Right on tonight's program, ladies and gentlemen, where Be a Good Sport from Love and Hiss and I'm Feeling Like a Million from the the Broadway melody of 1938. This is the National Broadcasting.