Podcast Summary: CBS Town Hall Tonight Starring Fred Allen (1937-12-22) – “Santa Will Not Ride Tonight” with Guest Jack Benny

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Episode Date: December 2, 2025
Original Broadcast: December 22, 1937
Episode Title: CBS Town Hall Tonight Starring Fred Allen – Santa Will Not Ride Tonight, Jack Benny
Main Theme:
A classic variety radio program from the Golden Age, featuring comedian Fred Allen and an iconic cameo by Jack Benny. The show combines music, sketch comedy, parody news, satirical interviews, and a playful holiday-themed radio play. It’s a nostalgic window into 1930s entertainment, full of sharp banter and era-defining humor.

Episode Overview

This lively hour delivers quintessential 1930s radio entertainment: opening musical numbers, Fred Allen’s signature parody news sketches, a standout “visit” from Jack Benny, light-hearted audience interaction, and a comedic holiday fable about Santa Claus going on strike. Authentic period jokes and cultural references abound, all buoyed by the wit and rivalry between Allen and Benny.

Key Sections & Timestamps

Welcome, Musical Introductions & Banter

[00:39–03:47]

• The show opens to raucous applause and an introduction for Fred Allen, who enters dressed as Santa and is joined by his comedic troupe.
• Fred exchanges rapid-fire puns and gags with his supporting cast while welcoming the audience.
• Peter Van Steeden and the orchestra perform “Be a Good Sport,” setting the jovial, festive tone.

Memorable quote:
“Eeny, meeny, minie and the mole the merrier. Folks, all roads lead to the old Town Hall…” — Fred Allen [02:14]

Parody Town Hall News Bulletin

[04:03–10:59]

• Fred Allen presents a comedic “newsreel” recounting the nation’s cold wave, with mock interviews of exaggerated regional characters:
  • Nova Scotia’s Mr. Tufton Pump claims an icicle came out when he tried to sing.
  • Mrs. Nadine Whine in Wisconsin says it was so cold, “I shook half the spots off of polka dot.”
  • A push cart baron in New York recounts trying to collect a 15-year-old debt, only to have his fingers freeze off.
  • California, of course, denies any bad weather.
  • Farmer Straggle in Arkansas brags his milk “freezes right in” his cows and he “snaps it off in steaks.”

Noteworthy Quotes:

• “It was so doggone cold, I opened my mouth to sing Old Man River. What came out? An icicle two cornices long.” — Mr. Tufton Pump [05:58]
• “Milk freezes right in ’em. I’ve been getting it out in steaks.” — Farmer Straggle [10:24]

Musical Acts & Comedic Routines

[11:00–14:18]

• The Basin Street Boys perform a lively tune, “You Drove the Gloom Away.”
• The recurring interruption from “Jack Benny” begins—a running gag with someone repeatedly insisting he’s Benny, to Allen’s mock irritation.

“Advice” for the Holidays & Product Sponsor Comedy

[14:18–16:40]

• Fred Allen interviews “J. Aloysius Grump,” a holiday pessimist who bemoans overindulgence at Christmas.
  • Allen cleverly segues into a tongue-in-cheek plug for laxative Sal Hepatica, tying it into holiday woes.

Quote:
“Father’s checking account is going to have fallen arches... People all over the country will go through the holidays eating too much and drinking too much and feeling like the end of a misspent life.” — J. Aloysius Grump [15:11]

Celebrity Interview: Willie King, Lunch Wagon Proprietor

[18:46–25:47]

• Fred Allen interviews Willie King, legendary owner of the Warner Brothers studio lunch wagon. Their chat is a parade of celebrity-studded anecdotes, food jokes, and showbiz gossip, as King reveals:
  • He has the exclusive lunch wagon concession at the studio.
  • He’s served everyone from Clark Gable (who started as an extra) to Bette Davis (crazy about potatoes) and Paul Muni (hard to recognize with a beard).
  • Barton McLean’s record: five steak sandwiches.
  • Songwriter Al Dubin ate an epic feast: “two ham sandwiches, two hot dogs, two hamburgers, salami sandwich with ice cream and plenty of coffee and tea in between.”
  • Advice for aspiring lunch men: “You’ve got to make both ends of meat.” [25:35]

Comedy Song: “Nobody Loves a Riveter but His Mother”

[25:47–28:20]

• The King’s Men offer a comedic musical number about the unappreciated life of a riveter, blending swing with slapstick banter.

Audience Interaction & Toothpaste Gag

[31:10–33:03]

• Fred tests the “half-listening” theory by inviting an audience member to recall the show’s sponsor, Ipan Toothpaste’s, advertising claims. The listener recites it impressively well.
• Fred jokes: “Well, this gentleman sort of knocks your expert theory into a cocked hat, doesn’t he?” [32:12]

Arrival of Jack Benny: Legendary Comedy Rivalry

[35:31–45:33]

• The show’s comic peak: Jack Benny (real this time), Allen’s friendly nemesis, is brought on for a major segment of playful insults, callbacks to their vaudeville days, and an elaborate routine about trying to sell Fred a notorious lemon of a car (the “Maxwell”).
• Allen and Benny riff on each other’s Hollywood careers, talent, and thriftiness, with several classic jibes:
  • Benny: “You ought to know. You swept up the theater every night.”
  • Allen: “No, I was a pretty good juggler. Remember how I used to toss those Indian clubs and do a funny monologue at the same time?”
• They debate the virtues (or lack thereof) of Benny’s Maxwell car, ending with Benny offering to “wrap it in cellophane, tie a big red ribbon around it and give it [to] you for Christmas.”
  • Allen: “If I wake up Christmas morning and find that monstrosity in my stocking, I’ll go barefooted the rest of my life.” [44:30]
  • Their mock rivalry closes with Benny’s car making a rude “noise” as a final jab.

Notable Quotes:

• “If I was Professor Quiz, I’d say correct. Absolutely correct.” — Allen [37:15]
• “Well, Jack, I didn’t make much money in those days, but I was a pretty good juggler...” — Allen [38:19]
• “You swept up the theater every night.” — Benny [38:44]
• “If I wake up Christmas morning and find that monstrosity in my stocking, I’ll go barefooted...” — Allen [44:32]

Holiday Safety, Another Sponsor, and Setting the Scene

[46:21–47:40]

• Fred delivers a tongue-in-cheek 4th of July safety message—only to be reminded Christmas is the real holiday.
• More comedic sponsor banter on avoiding colds with Sal Hepatica.

Main Radio Play: “Santa Claus sits down, or Jingle Bells Shall Not Ring Tonight”

[47:40–58:31]

• The “Allen Art Players” perform a comic Christmas fable: Santa Claus, disillusioned by humanity’s ingratitude and mishaps from history (from ancient Rome to Scotland to Paul Revere to modern Washington DC), goes on strike and refuses to ride.
• Each historical sketch is a hilarious, satirical take:
  • In Rome, Santa gives Nero a cigarette lighter, which leads to the burning of Rome.
  • In Scotland, Santa’s gift of a rhyming dictionary gets him mistaken for a lunatic.
  • In America, Paul Revere is suspicious of Santa as a potential British spy.
  • In DC, a government official tells Santa, “No, you’re not. The government is Santa Claus today.” [56:34]
• In the end, Santa relents, proclaims, “Christmas ain’t Christmas without Santa Claus. I’m a-givin’ the world one more chance.” [57:38]

Closing

[58:31–end]

• Fred Allen & ensemble wish everyone a Merry Christmas on behalf of the cast and sponsors.
• List of musical selections in this episode (e.g., "Be a Good Sport," "I’m Feeling Like a Million").

Final Quote:
“And so then, from all of us to all of you, Merry Christmas.” — Ensemble [58:31]

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “I don’t mind Riff Raff coming in the audience, but when it comes to the microphone...” — Fred Allen [14:27]
• “You’ve got to make both ends of meat.” — Willie King [25:51]
• “If I was Professor Quiz, I’d say correct. Absolutely correct.” — Fred Allen (to Jack Benny) [37:15]
• “No, you’re not. The government is Santa Claus today.” — DC Official, Allen Art Players [56:34]
• “Christmas ain’t Christmas without Santa Claus. I’m givin’ the world one more chance.” — “Santa Claus” [57:38]

Overall Impression

This episode is a true snapshot of radio’s golden era: the show moves breezily from lampoons of current events to character interviews, songs, tightly-written sketches, and a climactic meeting of comedy titans Fred Allen and Jack Benny. The “Santa Claus Strike” play lampoons both holiday and sociopolitical traditions, capping a show loaded with nostalgia and laughter.

Recommendation:
For anyone interested in vintage comedy, radio history, or the legendary Allen-Benny feud, this episode is a classic—layered, quick-witted, and brimming with holiday spirit (and satire).