Christmas Knowledge

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold’s Old Time Radio – Christmas Knowledge

Original Air Date: December 16, 2025
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio (primarily via Alan Freeman and ensemble cast)

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Episode Overview

This special episode, “Christmas Knowledge,” offers a witty, satirical exploration of the peculiar relationship between Christmas and pop music. Presented in a playful, mock-documentary style, it playfully skewers holiday music traditions, pop culture, and industry gimmicks from the golden age of radio onward—complete with sketches, parodies, and musical pastiches. The show affectionately lampoons Christmas specials, novelty hits, and the commercialization and digitization of holiday cheer, all while maintaining a zany, quick-fire banter reminiscent of classic radio comedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Christmas and Pop Music—A Rocky Romance

• Alan Freeman opens by pondering the inseparability of Christmas and pop music, suggesting their awkward courtship began in earnest in the early 1960s.
  • “All through the 50s, they sat on opposite sides of the dance hall in identical frumpy dresses, eyeing each other up nervously...” (Alan Freeman, 05:45)
• The team traces the evolution of Christmas novelty songs, from their origins to their explosion in wider popular culture.
• They lampoon the idea of Christmas hits being manufactured and compare “Knowledge Day” (the satirical name for this broadcast) to the hackneyed Christmas programming on commercial radio.

2. Year-in-Review Satire

• The “semi relevant roundup of the year” section parodies retrospectives, with absurd pop stories:
  • Jamiroquai’s hat goes missing, only to be reunited and then rumored to go solo.

    “JK makes an impassioned plea on the 6 o’ clock news.” (Alan Freeman, 03:31)

• Morrissey reportedly wins third prize in a balloon race (03:42).

3. Sketches and Parodies:

• The Jingle Horn Invention: Mr. Jingle’s “jingle horn” purports to make any music festive, highlighting the genre’s reliance on gimmicks (06:14–07:18).
  • “My jingle horn will make ordinary music sound Christmassy.” (Simon as Mr. Jingle, 06:30)
• Cliff Richard’s Workshop: Comic workshop to create “uplifting” Christmas hits, featuring a parody of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” loaded with apocalyptic biblical references:
  • “He’s got a fiery chariot, he's gonna slay the beast...” (Jenna, 09:13)
  • Fiona (as music mentor) tries to contain the overzealous piety:

    “Why don’t we hold it there?” (Fiona, 08:32)

• Les Ponkies: Fictional French child-punk band, now “repositioned” for Christmas.
  • “It’s a breakthrough into a new, more mature punky sound.” (Reporter/Sarah Lockett, 10:07)
  • “Hunky nowhere. Hunky nowhere. Merry christmas.” (Simon, 10:35)

4. Pop Stars at Christmas—Sacrifice and Silliness

• Alan Freeman muses on being “alone at Christmas” in the studio (11:52), playfully breaking the fourth wall by fiddling with sound effects and faux celebrity impressions:
  • “I can play all the jingles at once. Whoops. Broke it. Who cares?” (Alan Freeman, 12:00)
• The Meatloaf Parody: Satirizing epic rock ballads by staging a 25-minute operatic piece about making tea:
  • “Because we're out of milk and I need... So I guess I have to go to the shops.” (Simon, 14:11)
  • Fiona, keeping it grounded:

    “A half hour about a cup of tea. But it ain’t just about tea, you know—it could be about anything. Coffee, vodka...Hot, though.” (Fiona, 14:43)

• Jimi Hendrix A Christmas Carol (imaginary film): Hendrix miscast as Scrooge in a psychedelic retelling (“Groovy,” “Double pie!”), mocking rock-star Christmas projects (16:18–17:12).

5. Pop Star Toil and the Curse of the Fall

• The Fall's endless album cycle is explained as a Faustian pact with John Peel—keep making records or face supernatural retribution (18:58–20:21).
  • “The curse will be lifted when they make a record John Peel doesn’t like...” (Alan Freeman, 20:21)

6. Pop Gnomes: A Cautionary Christmas Tale

• If pop stars fail, they're kidnapped by the BPI and turned into “pop gnomes,” forced to make toys at the North Pole (22:57).
  • “Where is Sonia now? Where are Jesus Jones? They are pop gnomes and they cannot escape!” (Alan Freeman, 22:57)

7. Magic of Christmas—Fairy Tale Mash-Up

• Alan Freeman weaves a surreal, nonsensical fairytale that conflates Cinderella, A Christmas Carol, and the Nativity for comedic effect (24:24).
  • “So the baby Jesus was born. The end.” (Alan Freeman, 24:34)

8. Commercialization Satire

• Lisa Stansfield (Jenna) shills her album to children under threat of a ‘cursed Christmas’:
  • “If you don’t buy your mums and dad’s my new album, there won’t be a Christmas next year.” (Jenna as Lisa Stansfield, 26:00)

9. Christmas Goes Digital—The MiniDisc Future

• A pretend Sony representative (Simon) is grilled about plans to compress all of Christmas onto a MiniDisc (26:41–28:06).
  • “Just press play and hey, presto, full traditional Christmas.” (Interviewer/Host, 27:39)
  • “It's impossible anyway. I mean, Christmas is like a concept. You can't put a concept on a mini disc.” (Reporter/Sarah Lockett, 27:51)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Christmas Specials:

  “We're giving it to you straight live as the turkey on your plate.”
  (Alan Freeman, 01:49)

• On reinventions of music:

  “I heard your hat's about to go solo...”
  (Interviewer/Host, 05:27)

• On Christmas music composition:

  “He knows the sins you practice so get on your knees and pray…”
  (Jenna, 08:34)

• On music work ethic:

  “No eggnog for them. They've got to record a new album. In 1977, Mark E Smith walked to the Salford Lads Club at midnight, where he signed a pact with the devil.”
  (Alan Freeman, 18:59)

• On commercialization:

  “You’ve got to buy them one each or the spell won’t be broken. So it’s really lucky that I brought a big box of CDs with me. Get out your money and form a queue.”
  (Jenna as Lisa Stansfield, 26:00)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Year in Review & Odd News: 03:31–05:45
• Jingle Horn Sketch: 06:14–07:18
• Cliff Richard’s Workshop & Religious Song Parody: 07:44–09:41
• Les Ponkies & Punk Christmas: 10:07–11:16
• Alan Freeman Alone at Christmas: 11:52–12:58
• Meatloaf Tea Ballad Parody: 14:11–16:18
• Jimi Hendrix Christmas Carol: 16:18–17:12
• The Fall and the Curse of John Peel: 18:59–20:21
• Pop Gnome Fable: 22:57–24:24
• Lisa Stansfield and the Christmas Album Sales: 25:37–26:23
• Digital Christmas & MiniDisc Satire: 26:41–29:01
• Closing Reflections & Why Christmas and Pop Go Together: 29:32–End

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Tone and Style

The episode’s tone is highly satirical and irreverent, full of surreal, fast-paced, absurdist humor. The cast openly mocks the tropes and clichés of Christmas specials and holiday pop songs, with loving jabs at both the music industry’s commercial obsessions and the sentimental traditions of Christmas entertainment. The language is playfully caustic but always affectionate, blending rapid exchanges, pseudo-serious documentary narration, and outlandish song parodies.

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In Summary

This episode stands as a meta-celebration of Christmas and pop music’s tangled relationship—both lampooning and honoring the traditions, novelty, and commercial pageantry that have come to define festive radio. For listeners seeking a blend of old-time radio style, zany improv, industry sendup, and sheer Christmas silliness, "Christmas Knowledge" delivers a merry dose of comic insight and nostalgia.

Transcript

[Narrator/Advertiser]

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[Jenna]

I'll make it easier for you.

[Interviewer/Host]

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.

[Alan Freeman]

I'm sure you've said it's the Knowledge. You know, they say the devil has all the best tunes, but how can that be when the baby Jesus has top weight? Yuletide hits like Grandpa, we love you.

[Jenna]

Grandma, we do and I'm Gonna Spend my Christmas with a Dalek and hug him underneath the mistletoe.

[Alan Freeman]

No contest. Tonight the Knowledge looks at Christmas and pop music. They've got a lot in common. But how did they get together? Why did they wander upstairs? Why did they lock themselves in the bathroom? And what's that strange bangy sound? I'll bet it's the sound of Christmas and music getting together to write another novelty smash. Yep, there it is. So what's it all about? Well, we're not even going to touch the figs till we find out. In fact, we're never gonna touch the figs. Figs are disgusting. But what I meant to say was this Christmas knowledge is the real thing. It's not like those other phoney Christmas specials. You know, the ones they record six months in advance. We're different. We wouldn't rip you off like that. We care. Stop that, will you? You've had Christmas Day. You've had Boxing Day. Now it's Knowledge Day. And we're giving it to you straight live as the turkey on your plate. And let's start with the bit that's not about Christmas at all. Hey, you cry. Ho ho. I reply. For no Christmas special is complete without a semi relevant roundup of the year. And 1993, we salute you. In January, disaster. Jamilaquai's hat goes missing. JK makes an impassioned plea on the 6 o' clock news.

[Fiona]

Please come back.

[Simon]

Come back.

[Fiona]

Look, if I did anything to upset you, I'm sorry. Look, we can talk about him. Just please come home.

[Simon]

Please.

[Alan Freeman]

February and joy for Morrissey. He wins third prize in a balloon race.

[Interviewer/Host]

They let the balloons go in wally range, right? And my one got all the way to Bradford. And I've got a weekend for one in a hotel. And I only have to pay for a breakfast and two.

[Simon]

Evening me.

[Interviewer/Host]

It's the happiest day of my life.

[Alan Freeman]

March brings controversy. The popular 1970s TV puppet Basil Brush relaunches himself as a super slack dub ragamuffin rapper. Some say his dancehall smash Boom Boom advocates the use of guns.

[Reporter/Sarah Lockett]

It's a disgusting record. It's violent. It's misogynist. I can't believe the BBC allowed him on top of the pulse.

[Fiona]

Oh, look, there's dirty cursy from number 30. I wonder if she'll show me a bit of skirting. Ramadan style around this yard.

[Alan Freeman]

No, no, no, no.

[Fiona]

What you've got to understand about Bashful is that he was brought up in foxholes, right? I mean, it's a different culture. There's hunts and stuff and there's not enough chickens to go around. So that makes it all okay, doesn't it?

[Alan Freeman]

April and May pass without incident, but in June, hoopla. Jamilaquai's hat comes home. Singer and headgear are briefly reconciled. Ah, but it all turns nasty on cheap TV show the Word Y. Yeah, we're really happy to be together again.

[Fiona]

Yeah, definitely.

[Interviewer/Host]

Oh, is that right? Cause I heard your hat's about to go solo. And he signed an eight album deal here on label.

[Fiona]

Is that true? You bastard. You bastard.

[Simon]

You bastard. All right, all right. There you are.

[Alan Freeman]

And that brings us right back to December and Christmas almost. So what set the ball rolling? When did music and Christmas fuse as one? Well, all through the 50s, they sat on opposite sides of the dance hall in identical frumpy dresses, eyeing each other up nervously, but going home each night alone. Then, in 1962, a breakthrough.

[Interviewer/Host]

Now, here's a man who thinks he can change the sound of Christmas itself. He's invented a new instrument and his name is Mr. Jingle.

[Simon]

Hello there.

[Interviewer/Host]

Could you play the instrument for me, Mr. Jingle?

[Simon]

Of course.

[Interviewer/Host]

My, that sounds festive.

[Alan Freeman]

Oh, yes.

[Fiona]

My jingle horn will make ordinary music sound Christmassy. I was concerned that much festive music doesn't sound Christmassy enough.

[Interviewer/Host]

Now, you've written a special song, haven't you?

[Simon]

Why, yes.

[Interviewer/Host]

I wonder, perhaps, can we hear a little of it?

[Alan Freeman]

Jingle horn, jingle horn, Honk your jingle.

[Fiona]

Horn Honk it honkach honking Honk it, hump your bloody horn.

[Simon]

That's quite enough.

[Alan Freeman]

Sorry.

[Interviewer/Host]

Now, the gift of invention seems to run in your family. For your two year old daughter has invented a set of bells on a stick.

[Simon]

She has?

[Fiona]

Yes.

[Interviewer/Host]

Well, one day, who knows, perhaps they'll be as popular as the jingle horn.

[Alan Freeman]

And the rest was history and is now current affairs. And what do Christmas hits sound like today? Who better to ask than Cliff Richard? A man who knows more about Christmas and Christmas hits than anyone else this year. Cliff's share. Sharing that knowledge.

[Fiona]

Basically, I set up this workshop so I could help young people make their own Christmas songs. I mean, there's so much talent and it's out there. All you've got to do is find it. Okay, well, I think we all know each other's names by now, Right?

[Simon]

Great.

[Fiona]

Fabulous. So, Jane.

[Jenna]

No, Fiona.

[Fiona]

Fiona. Sorry. Well, you've written a song this week, haven't you? So let's all hear it. Okay.

[Jenna]

Oh.

[Simon]

Great.

[Jenna]

You better not cry, you better not pass. No fornication. Sodomies out. Jesus Christ is coming to town Jesus Christ is coming to town Jesus Christ is coming to town.

[Fiona]

Okay, it's interesting. Why don't we hold it there?

[Jenna]

He knows the sins, you practice so get on your knees and pray he.

[Simon]

Knows if you've been good or bad.

[Jenna]

So be good on judgment day.

[Fiona]

Please shut up, okay? Please. Okay, listen, remember what I was saying about religious songs?

[Jenna]

They're popular.

[Fiona]

Yeah, really popular.

[Simon]

Great.

[Fiona]

But listen, there's no need to be contentious, okay? So why not be positive and uplifting?

[Jenna]

Oh, oh, I get it.

[Simon]

Great.

[Jenna]

Yeah, I get it.

[Simon]

Oh, oh.

[Jenna]

Can I play the next bit? That's better. Can I play it?

[Simon]

Well.

[Fiona]

Oh, okay.

[Simon]

Sure.

[Alan Freeman]

Why not?

[Fiona]

Okay, let's.

[Jenna]

He's got a fiery chariot he's going to slay the beast. The dead will rise up from their graves and march towards east like zombies. He's making a list, he's checking it well he's going to decide who's going to hell. Jesus Christ is coming to town Jesus Christ is coming to town Jesus Christ is coming to town.

[Simon]

Yeah.

[Fiona]

Okay, everybody.

[Simon]

Great.

[Fiona]

That was really something else. Thanks, Jenna.

[Alan Freeman]

So, really, it's down to hard graft and decent, honest songwriting skills, not gimmicks. And who do we think of when we think of Hard graft. Good songs and no gimmicks. Ha ha. Yes, those eight year old French rockers, Les Ponkies. No wonder they're storming in the UK charts this Christmas. They're the naughtiest preteens in France, but boy, can they write the perfect Christmas hit. They promised to tone it down this year and I should hope so too.

[Reporter/Sarah Lockett]

Yeah, we're trying to reposition them in the eyes of the consumer away from the like tiny punk image immortals that sing. A songwriter mold, you know. It's a little bit like, you know, when George Michael recorded Careless Whisper. It's. It's a breakthrough. It's a breakthrough into a new, more mature punky sound.

[Simon]

Hunky nowhere. Hunky nowhere. Merry christmas. Hunky christmas.

[Jenna]

Hunky nowhere.

[Interviewer/Host]

Hunky nowhere.

[Simon]

You saw that? Bu. Knowledge. Knowledge.

[Alan Freeman]

It's the Christmas knowledge. A rockahooler. Ho ho, ho. You know I'm all alone in the world famous studios of one FM Everyone has left by now, I suppose they're at home enjoying Christmas with their loved ones. There's just one man here. I'm all alone all alone at Christmas. Brilliant. I can play with everything and I won't get into trouble. I can play all the jingles at once. Whoops. Broke it. Who cares? I'll try out Peely's beard. Distinguished and looky here. It's Andy Kershaw's voice. Hello. One, two, two. Hey.

[Simon]

Great.

[Alan Freeman]

Let's see. I'm Alan Freeman. Not half. Oh, someone's coming. Gotta put it back. Why didn't Santa visit me? I haven't been bad, have I? I know. I pinched a couple of Danny Baker's Garab. Baldies. Okay. And I pulled Jackie Bramble's hair that time and ran away sniggering and made her cry. It's not so bad, is it? Oh, hello. I was just thinking about all the top weight presents I got this year.

[Simon]

Ha ha.

[Alan Freeman]

Lots and lots and a lot. Some. A few. Anyway, what about you? What presents have you rock fans been buying for each other?

[Simon]

Ha ha.

[Alan Freeman]

Meatloaf, of course. Meatloaf. Meatloaf. Meatloaf. You know, Meatloaf could sing about anything at all and still give it that epic meatloaf sound. Because he's meatloaf and we love him. Here's his latest smash. It's a classic, a full 25 minutes long and it's about making a cup of tea.

[Simon]

I'm looking at the kettle and it's going without a ton of steam. I hope. I feel that there's milk or two that I'm looking to fridge and I. Because we're out of milk and I want some milk. If I want some milk, I'll have to buy some milk. We're out of milk and I need. So I guess I have to go to the shops.

[Fiona]

Yeah, the guys think it's, well, a little over dramatic. A half hour about a cup of tea. But it ain't just about tea, you know, it could be about anything. Coffee, vodka, any kind of drink. Hot, though. I think it has to be hot.

[Simon]

Racing. Racing to the shops Faster than any other boy has been to the shop. And I got the. With my hand and I'm riding back home to make you a ca. My shirt and I'm dripping with milk. Can I sing Convert my love and just before I die I reach out I reach out and hand you a car. Cup of tea. Here's your cup of tea A cup of tea Nice cup of tea A lovely cup of tea.

[Fiona]

Would you like a biscuit? Maybe a Jammy Dodger, Earl Grey or Lepsang Sousard?

[Simon]

I love a Pico myself.

[Alan Freeman]

By the way, if you're stuck for ideas this Christmas, may I recommend the new Hendrix video, Jimmy's Christmas Carol, directed by the marvelous Nicholas Rogue in 1969. Now, I know Jimmy was slightly miscast, but I still can't understand why this film was never released in the cinema. Just listen to some of this. Mr. Scrooge.

[Fiona]

Mr. Scrooge, sir. Yeah, baby.

[Simon]

Mr.

[Alan Freeman]

Spruce, sir? Could I have just half a day off on Christmas Day?

[Simon]

I.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Sure.

[Reporter/Sarah Lockett]

Groovy.

[Fiona]

And your baby okay.

[Alan Freeman]

Oh, maybe we could call it two.

[Fiona]

Weeks on double pie. Oh, let me see.

[Simon]

Sure.

[Fiona]

Why not?

[Simon]

Baby.

[Fiona]

Hey, check this out.

[Alan Freeman]

How's about if I just takes all the money and never comes back?

[Fiona]

Oh, yeah. Follow me.

[Simon]

Cool.

[Fiona]

Merry Christmas, P. Thank you.

[Alan Freeman]

Thank you, Mr.

[Simon]

Spruce.

[Alan Freeman]

Well, I'll be off then. Damn. Damn these cheap fairy lights. It's the Knowledge. The only radio show that broadcasts in total darkness. Maybe I should change the plug. Anyway, we're looking at music and Christmas. Now, where does the stripy one go? Okay, now, a pop star's Christmas isn't like yours or mine, okay? They get lots of presents. Blue one in there. And they know how to have fun. All right. But they also have to work. They work hard so you and me can have a great time. Got it? Oh, maybe not. So pop stars work over Christmas. If you go to a gig on December 24, you want to see a fantastic show, you don't want to See a couple of guys with their feet up eating peanuts and watching a video? Not unless you're into the orb, anyway. And hard work means sacrifice. The Fall have to work this Christmas. No eggnog for them. They've got to record a new album. In 1977, Mark E Smith walked to the Salford Lads Club at midnight, where he signed a pact with the devil. The Fall were to become John Peel's favorite band. The price to make four albums a year for eternity. Fair dues, thought Mark. Steady income. And I've got loads of ideas. But as the years wore on, the strain began to tell.

[Simon]

Bloody Owl, I want a rest. I would like to have just one day off once in a while. Maybe watch toy. Doesn't like. I've had enough. Had enough of this. That's no more. Or a few interesting words. Teach steak restaurant. Best before danger. A giveaway. Give up a doctor Bloody Albert. After this, I'll have to make another one.

[Alan Freeman]

And the curse will be lifted when they make a record John Peel doesn't like. Each time they wait and hope Will the beery Scouser spurn their offering? And each time they hear those dread words. You know, it's strange, but every Fall record sounds even better than the last. Oh, misery oh, whoa. I waited up all night for you, Santa. What happened? All the other DJs got presents. Pete Tong got a toy bus. And he's been naughtier than me. He has. He has. You can't have forgotten a fax you twice. Oh, you're back. Where were we? Working at Christmas. That's right. Not presents. We've done presents. And I get loads. Anyhow, Si Green, Britain's top remixer, is working at Christmas too. But he's working because he just can't stop.

[Fiona]

Yeah, yeah. I'm remixing pretty much all the time now because once you start listening, listening, like, properly. There's so many things, things that need remixing. But yesterday I went to the vet. Oh, it's sounding great.

[Interviewer/Host]

Let's have a look at his paw. Let's have a look at his paw. Yes, I can see the profit.

[Alan Freeman]

£60.

[Fiona]

Got back from the vets. Mixed it, got 20 whites pressed up, plugged to my girlfriend and she didn't really like it, but she sounded great.

[Jenna]

Stop bloody me, Mixie. Stop bloody. It's either me or the V mixing.

[Simon]

Or the V mixing. We've called a council.

[Interviewer/Host]

There's been some complaints.

[Jenna]

24 hours in total.

[Alan Freeman]

Serious complaints. Serious complaints about a noise.

[Jenna]

24 hours in total.

[Fiona]

Never stop. Never stop.

[Jenna]

24 hours in total.

[Alan Freeman]

I have a warrant that you're arrest.

[Simon]

Silence.

[Jenna]

Silence. Is there anything you'd like to talk about, Simon? Sit down. Perhaps you could try giving up. Perhaps you could try giving up.

[Simon]

Perhaps.

[Jenna]

Perhaps you could try giving up. One day at a time. One day at a time. 24 hours.

[Alan Freeman]

So stars work Christmas because they choose to, because they have to, or because they're compelled. Or because they are pop gnomes. The pop gnomes, you say? There's no such thing. That's just one of those scary stories that they and our men tell each other on cold winter nights. No, child, it is true. If a pop star doesn't sell enough records, if they play to rows of empty seats, they are kidnapped by the bpi. Then eagles carry them to the North Pole where they are forced to work as pop gnomes, making traditional wooden toys for sacred. You think I lie? Where is Sonia now? Where are Jesus Jones? They are pop gnomes and they cannot escape. For polar bears guard the gates with pikes of ice. So be good, my pretties, work hard, shift units. Or next year it could be you. It's the knowledge and Christmas. And what have we done? Oh, we've done loads. We know how music and Christmas got together. We've learned about the hits, the presents and the stars who work while you venture. But there's something else, and let's not forget it. Something we can't quite define. Something magical. Let me tell you a story about my uncle, Ebenezer Freeman. He had to stay in and sweep the kitchen while his two ugly sisters went to the ball. But the ghost of Christmas past came and gave him three wishes. As long as Ebenezer helped him load up the donkey in the woods. Then they went to Bethlehem. I hope you're following this. And the little pig Blue and Rudolph tried on the glass slipper and it fitted. And so the baby Jesus was born. The end. So it's crystal clear Christmas is a special time when wonderful things happen in the music industry. Busy stars like the wonderful, wonderful Lisa Stansfield take time out to visit schools and spread the Christmas message.

[Jenna]

Now, how many of you have brought presents for your mums and dads? Oh, well done. You're very kind, boys and girls. It's such a shame you've got to throw the presents away. Yes, you've got to chuck them all away. Cause I've been talking to Santa.

[Simon]

And.

[Jenna]

He whispered in my ear that if you don't buy your mums and dad's my new album, there won't be a Christmas Next year. And you've got to buy them one each or the spell won't be broken. So it's really lucky that I brought a big box of CDs with me. Get out your money and form a queue.

[Simon]

Hello.

[Jenna]

Wants to save Christmas.

[Alan Freeman]

Oh, what's that? That's the sound of the future. We know about music and Christmas today, but where are they going on a monorail to live on the sky? Would it all look like the Jetsons with a bit more holly and better animation? Rebella Cook.

[Reporter/Sarah Lockett]

This Christmas could be the last Christmas that's like this Christmas. Because if it's up to Sony, Christmas is about to go digital. Jim Rudd's job is to take the traditional Christmas stocking, turkey, plum pudding, your family, and put it all on a mini disc the size of a mince pie. Sounds great, Jim.

[Simon]

Thanks.

[Reporter/Sarah Lockett]

How does it work?

[Interviewer/Host]

It's so simple. You won't have to buy turkey, stuffing, none of that.

[Simon]

Great.

[Reporter/Sarah Lockett]

How does it work?

[Interviewer/Host]

Christmas will be clearer and of a better quality than ever before. Approaching CD quality.

[Reporter/Sarah Lockett]

Sure, sure. But how does it actually work?

[Interviewer/Host]

Just press play and hey, presto, Full traditional Christmas.

[Reporter/Sarah Lockett]

Yeah, all right, all right. How are you going to do it?

[Interviewer/Host]

There's no question that this will work. Of that I am certain.

[Reporter/Sarah Lockett]

You don't know, do you? You don't know how to do it. It's impossible anyway. I mean, Christmas is like a concept. You can't put a concept on a mini disc.

[Interviewer/Host]

You just can't.

[Fiona]

Well, you try.

[Interviewer/Host]

I mean, you try telling that to the boys upstairs.

[Simon]

You try.

[Fiona]

I've told them and Carly to listen.

[Alan Freeman]

To Norio Ogre, chairman of Sony.

[Jenna]

Christmas. Mini disc is a surefire success. Of course it will come out in time for next Christmas. I have every confidence in my creative team. It's bound to work. It's got to. Oh, God. But if it does, please make it work. Make my idea work. Please. Oh, God, please.

[Fiona]

Please, please. Tell them. Look, baubles. Bloody baubles. It's junk.

[Alan Freeman]

These are objects. Bloody objects.

[Interviewer/Host]

I can't digitize them. I can't put them on a disc.

[Alan Freeman]

They're objects.

[Fiona]

It's mad and they want it by Mars.

[Simon]

Damn.

[Fiona]

Damn. I'm Not a wizard Jam.

[Reporter/Sarah Lockett]

So is the electronic Noel just around the digital corner?

[Simon]

Maybe.

[Reporter/Sarah Lockett]

But here's one girl who will be sticking to her traditional Christmas fair of vodka and cocaine binges. Rubella Cook for one fm.

[Fiona]

Please tell them.

[Alan Freeman]

Why. Why did you forget Santa?

[Simon]

Why?

[Alan Freeman]

We were a team, remember? You and me, DJing in the clubs? We were gonna be huge. And you opened the grotto. What happened to us, eh? I gave you the best years of my. Hi. So there it is. The story of Christmas and music. Stretched out before us in front of the fire, wriggling on its back with four paws in the air, waiting for us to tickle its tummy. You like that, don't you? It's a beautiful partnership, but please don't take it for granted. The next time you hear Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade, stop and think for a moment about Christmas and music, and then stop thinking. You don't think to Slade. Stomp a bit, bang your head, jump up and down, link arms with a hundred people, accidentally elbow someone in the face, apologize profusely, then get off with them. That's what it's all about. That's why Christmas and Pup got together in the first place. So we could party. And what are we waiting for? Let's go. Ta ta.

[Announcer]

The Knowledge Presented by Alan Freeman.

[Alan Freeman]

Hey, this punch is pretty strong, isn't it?

[Announcer]

Hey, not arm With Bernardine Corridor, Oregon Julie Gibbs, David Howarth, Peter Serafinowitz and Tim Whitnell. Music by Murray Gold. Vocals by Tim Whitnell.

[Alan Freeman]

Never Again.

[Announcer]

Written by Andy Riley and Kevin Cecil. Produced by Gareth Edwards.

[Fiona]

You okay, Fluff?

[Alan Freeman]

Oh, I'll have another one.

[Jenna]

Mary Had A Baby.

[Announcer]

Alan Freeman is currently appearing as fourth shepherd in Mary Had a Baby at Western Serville Combined School. Mums and Dads welcome.

[Reporter/Sarah Lockett]

Sarah Lockett reporting. A soldier's been wounded in a mortar bomb attack on a police and army patrol near Belfast City Center. And in West Belfast, an area has been cordoned off because of a suspect div. Army experts are at the scene.