
Damon Runyon Theater 49-03-13 Dancing Dans Christmas
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The damon runyon theater.
Once again, the Damon Runyon Theater brings you another story by the master storyteller Damon Runyon. And this one, Dancing Dan's Christmas. And to tell it to you, here is Broadway. Thanks. The time this story takes place is Christmas, the time when everybody is saying things about peace on earth, goodwill to men. Now that is a sentiment with which I go along 300% and I wish that everyone will take it to heart. However, there are certain citizens who never hear of peace and good will is nice, but not absolutely necessary. And how it happens that I almost spend my last Christmas with no will at all is quite a story.
It is just two days before Christmas that I am sitting in Mindy's, enjoying some cheesecake and coffee. My enjoyment is not long lasting because no sooner is the first bite in my mouth than I am joined by a character named Shotgun Sam, so called for reasons that are plain. He sidles up, eyes me for a couple of seconds, then sits down. The cheesecake has no more flavor and gets even less tasty, as Shotgun says as follows. Broadway, how are you? First rate. How are you, Shotgun? Tired, Very tired. Is the cheesecake good? I just take my first bite. Ah, I don't see Dancing Dan any place around, do you? I am not looking for it. I am. Oh.
He'S as hard to find as warmth in the book. He's high. It seems to me that the places to be looking for Dance and Dan would be the nightclubs. He likes to dance and that is just why I'm looking for him. Because he's such a slick dancer. You wish to take lessons? I do not. I wish to give dance some damn one and one he will not forget. I tell you, I do not see him any place. I believe you. Thanks.
Broadway. I do not like the job I gotta do, which is it seems that Dancing Dan dances too much here lately. With the wrong doll. Muriel o'? Neal? The same. Do you know about it then? Well, there is a rumor that Heinie Schmitz likes it. Said rumor is absolutely true. And because it is, Jaime wishes Dance and Dan to know It Look, Shotgun, what harm is there in dancing with Muriel o'? Neil? None. Except that Dancin Dan does it more than once.
Now I've got to find him and end his career. You're sure you do not see him? As sure as I am a foot high. I do not. Okay. But if you do, you will let me know? Well, to tell the truth, I do not get to many places which are apt to see dancing. That. But in case you do, Heine would take it as a personal favor if you would tell me. Also, he would take it as a personal affront if you do not. But Chef, I also would take it as a personal affront. I have got this job to do fine. And I would like to get it over with. Because I wish to get home for Christmas. I do not like to spend the Christmas season hunting for somebody. I. I hear. Okay, see you now.
Now, when a citizen like Shotgun Sands says he would take it as a personal affront, he means just that. So I make it strictly my business to keep more than somewhat away from the spots where I am likely to see dancing there. Not that I would tip off Shotgun because I like Dan. But if Shotgun finds out that I see Dan and do not tell him, that is not only the end of my peace on earth. It is the end. So it is on Christmas Eve that I am in good time. Charlie's a place dancing Dan is never likely to show up. The scene is as follows. This is what is known as Tom and Jerry. Broadway. You like it? It is very good. A great thing for Christmas. Charlie. How does it happen you have no other customers tonight? Christmas Eve everybody stays home. I figure I'll close up early. And who's on it? Does not make any difference. Let him knock. Now, as I was saying.
Whoever it is wants to come in, I gotta close up. No more customers tonight. Maybe there's someone who wants to see you. Okay, okay. Leave the door on its hinges. I'm coming.
Hi, Charlie. Dan. Dancing Dan. Dancing Dan.
Well, Broadway, how are you? What are you doing here, Dan? Here? Well, I just thought I'd drop in and wish everybody a merry Christmas. Everybody is not here. And so I see. Hey, Charlie, is that a Tom and Jerry? Yeah. You wish one? Yeah, just one. Then I gotta go. Here, store this someplace for me, will you? Yeah. What is in the package? Iron. Not by a long shot. Well, Broadway, I haven't seen you for a long time. Well, you been keeping yourself safe? Uh huh. How's it with you, Johnny? Pretty good. Here, have a Tom and Jerry on the House. Thanks.
Good. Dan, is it safe for you to be out? Hmm? Oh, you mean about Heiny Schmitz? That is it. Well, this is kind of a farewell party, boys. From now on, I'm going this straight and narrow. You? Why? I mean, this is news. Yeah.
Maybe because I'm in love. This makes it worse. I presume the doll is Muriel o'. Neil.
You know, this is Christmas. I figure there's no better time for a guy to cut out his old life and build something new for himself. And that's what I'm gonna do. Here's to you, Broadway. Look, Dan, I'd give a million potatoes if I do not see you tonight. Why, I just would. You are plenty hot. Oh, sure. Heine doesn't like me. And when Heine doesn't like somebody, that somebody is in the red plenty. I gotta go, Dan. Why? Look, you. You know, I wouldn't get the tip off, Dan, but, well, Shotgun Sam is looking for you. And when he finds you. I know Broadway is right. Dan, Shotgun will not be particular who is between him and his tug. Yeah. You sure nobody sees you come in here? I don't know. Holy mackerel. Merry Christmas, everybody. It's funny, isn't it? Here I am in love with a doll who loves me. I want to go straight. I want to forget the old life and build up something new for Muriel and me. I gotta do it the hard way. Yeah, it is funny.
Okay, tell you what. I'll stay just a couple of minutes. Then I'll take the heat off you two by getting out of here, okay? Sure, Dan. You are an all right guy, Broadway. What do you say? I.
It's Christmas Eve. What else can I say? Thanks. Well, Merry Christmas, boys.
It is more than a little uncomfortable and Good Time Charlies. As any minute, we are expecting Shotgun Sam to poke in and end the proceedings. But the half hour goes by and all three of us are beginning to think that everything is all right. When the scene is as follows.
That is somebody at the door. Here it is, Dan. There's a back way out of here. You think they won't have that covered? Open the door, Charlie. You crazy? I'm tired of running away. Open the door. You cannot do this, Dan. Step back. Follow. No, no, do. Dan, look, if anything happens, take that package to police headquarters. Police? Yeah, there's a note in it. They'll understand. Now get back out of line of the door.
Merry Christmas. Looky, it's. It's city clue. It is somebody who looks like him. Hey, look. Hi, Charlie. Hi, Broadway. Look, it is Ookie. Yeah, Ookie dressed up like Santa Claus. Yeah, I, I.
I'm glad you're open, Charlie. It's pretty cold outside. Okie. What is the idea of the Santa Claus suit? And what is the idea of scaring 10 years out of us? Who, me? It's okay, Ookie. You didn't know. But like Broadway asked, what's the idea of the Santa Claus suit? Well, I'm advertising Fletcher store. 50 cents an hour I get for walking up and down the streets handing out his cards.
You got yourself a bad cold. Uh huh. But I'm gonna be all right in a couple of minutes. Just gotta Gotta.
Get warm first. Well, you're crazy. You will get pneumonia if you go out again. I need the dough bad. You mean you're so broke you gotta walk up and down that Santa Claus suit for half a check an hour? How do you like that? Here, rookie, drink this. A Tom and Jerry. Yeah, thanks.
That's good. It's nice and hot. But gee, I wish I could stay in here and talk with you skies, but I gotta beat it. You are figuring on going out in the cold? I need the dough. I ain't got a scent and my wife's kind of sick. I'd kind of like to bring her a little present this year.
Okay. How long you have to walk around like that? About till midnight. Well, it's only 10. Now, you will get soaking wet in the snow in two hours. Oh, I'll stop in the storefronts and places to get warmed up. Well, gotta get going. Thanks, Freder, Tom and Jerry. Sure. Oh, here. Buy the wife a good present, huh? Gee, thanks, Charlie. Hey, give her one for me too, huh? Oh, no, look, I make it a real Christmas hooky. Oh, gee, dad. Guys, I, I, I got a bad cold. Makes me sniffle. Yeah.
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Well, gotta get going. Wait, Okie, do you got dough now? Why kill yourself for a measly four bits an hour? Well, it ain't only this job, but Fletch promised me if I'd make good, he'd let me clean up his place overnight. Fifteen a week. And I need the job, so, you see, I gotta do it. No, you don't. Oh, yeah, yeah, I do. I've been pretty sick the past year. Couldn't hold no job. But this year's gonna be different. I promised Midge, my wife. Ookie, take off that suit, huh? But, Dan, I got. Take it off. Dan. What's the idea? I'm not gonna let Ookie Walk around with that coal. Oh, now, please, Dan. I need the job. I'm gonna get. You get it. Because Fletcher's Santa Claus is gonna walk around. What are you talking about, Dan? Me? I'm gonna be Santa Claus. Now I hear everything. Oh, Dan. Dan. Go on, start taking it off. You stay here till you get good and warm. Then take a cab back home. Dan, I won't never forget this. I won't either. Well, I'll have it off in a different. Dan, you are crazy. You'll be walking around the streets. You'll be a setup for Shotgun. You got a chance if you keep out of sight. I'm gonna make this the best Christmas I ever had. It says peace on earth, goodwill towards men. Okay, I'm through running away. If Shotgun wants to rub me out on Christmas Eve, let him. I'm not gonna run away anymore. But what about Muriel? Why do you not think about her?
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Is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. What do you think makes the perfect snack? Hmm, it's got to be when I'm really craving it and it's convenient. Could you be more specific? When it's cravenient. Okay, like a freshly baked cookie made with real butter available right down the street at a.m. p.m. Or a savory breakfast sandw grab in just a second at a.m. p.m. I'm seeing a pattern here. Well, yeah, we're talking about what I crave, which is anything from AM pm What more could you want? Stop by AM PM where the snacks and drinks are perfectly craveable and convenient. That's cravinience AM PM Too much good stuff. I'm giving her a Christmas present.
Yeah, together. We don't have to keep running away by herself. She'll do a lot better. Hurry up with that suit, Ookie.
Well, Dans and Dan puts on Ookie's Santa Claus suit, beard and all. We get a pillow from Good Time Charlie and make Dan look quite a bit like the real thing. And then just as he is about to leave, the scene is as follows. Now, who is calling me on the phone? Answer It Charlie. Yeah, I'll be back in just a second. Dan, for the last time, do not do this. I'm doing it for Wookie and Muriel. It's funny, isn't it? Maybe in Santa Claus. I tell you, you got a chance. No, nothing. Hey Broadway. Yeah? Charlie, this call is for you. What? For me? But nobody knows I am here. Well, you better take this. Go ahead, Broadway. I'll wait here til you're through. Yeah, yeah, okay. Hello, this is Broadway. Broadway, this is Muriel o'. Neill. What? Charlie told me. Dan's there. Well, yeah, he is, but how do you know? He said he was going to say Merry Christmas to everybody. Broadway, watch him. Don't let him do anything crazy, please. What is there I can do? Talk him out of it. I tried that for a solid half an hour. Then go with him. Go with him? Yes. They might not try anything if there's somebody with him. Don't you see? I do not. You're afraid. All right, hold him there until I get to him. I'll go with him. Oh no. Hey, hey. No, please. Hold him then. Look, Miss o'. Neill. There is no Miss o'. Neill. Miss o'.
Donnell. Step on him, Broadway. I want to get going. Yeah, I'm coming. Friend of yours on the phone? Uh huh. A friend of mine. Yeah. Well, what does the friend have to say, Broadway? Nothing much. Say, Dan? Yeah? I think I will walk a piece with you. Huh? You crazy? I need some air. Broadway. Stay here. I have to meet somebody in a little while. Come on, Sam. Okay, I can't stop you. Oh, give me that package, Johnny. What have you got in there, Dan? A Christmas present for the police. Come on, Broadway.
Well, so I am crazy. But I do not like to see Ms. Muriel O' Neal taking a chance. So I figure I will go with them. So that if Ms. O' Neil comes into Charlie's, he will tell her I am with him. We step out into the street. The snow is sparkling under the lights and the bells are ringing. It is a beautiful Christmas Eve and everybody looks happy. But me, I am very sad. And more than somewhat jumpy because I expect any minute to hear something that is not Christmas chimes. But we walk up the street and the scene is as follows. Look, Broadway, did you ever see a night like this? Truthfully? No. Fresh snow on the street, people laughing, talking. What makes people laugh like this, Broadway? I wish I know. So do I. Look, Dan, how far do you expect to walk? Not far. Just a Muriel's place. Muriel's? Mia, I want to put Something in her grandma's stocking. I do not know what you are talking about. Her grandmother hangs up her stocking every year and gets nothing. But this year she's gonna have a good Christmas. Just one before she dies. This year, that stocking's gonna get something good in it. Like what? See this package? Know what's in it? If it is at all like the rest of this evening, there is a bomb in it. No, No. I made a haul. 50,000 clams worth of jewelry. This is Christmas Eve. And so I figured I'd take it back to the police because I am going straight. You are walking around in a Santa Claus suit with 50 grand worth of jewelry wrapped up in a newspaper. It's the only paper I could find. And I am with you. Take it easy, Broadway. No one will think of frisking Santa Claus for jewelry. Hey, look. Where? What? Who? A Salvation army doll. She is not doing a good business. Come on then. Please let us get in off the street. You'll now have your fun. I have to pass out these cars for Lukas. Sure, but meanwhile, we're going to drum up a little business for the Salvation Army, Doc. Merry Christmas. And the last. Good evening, miss. Oh, hello there, Santa. I don't see much folding money in that kettle. Well, people are too busy to stop, I guess. Uhhuh. Okay, I will see what I can do. And please let us get off the street. Ah, there's a customer. Hey, you. Hey. You talking to me? Uh huh. You know who I am? You look like Santa Claus to me. I am. Now you be one. Huh? Put something in the kettle. Now looky. No, you look there. Put something in the kettle.
Of course. And see that what you put in doesn't make a tinkly sound. In fact, no sound at all. You were the first Santa Claus I ever seen packing around. I'm different. Go ahead. Oh, thank you, sister. Sir. Thank you. He will tell the cops then. Hey, you. Come here. F. I. I put a $5 bill in the captain. Good. Here's your father. I. What? I don't understand. I want the little lady to think that it came from you. Beat it. Oh, sure, sure. S. Thanks very much. Now let's.
Well, here's my last stop, Broadway. Look, then forget this business. Oh, no. I still got Grandma o' Neill's stocking to fill. Come on. But Shotgun might be watching here. So what if he is? He will get you. I'm not gonna let Shotgun spoil the best Christmas Eve I've had since I was a kid. You coming with Me or not, I. I can't stand out here on the street. Well, then, come on.
She lives on the second floor.
Look, Broadway, you stay back of me. No use you getting it too. That makes good sense.
See anybody? No. I do not like this. It is too quiet here.
Well, here we are. See if the door is locked.
Oh.
Let me go in first.
Careful, Dan. I'll go in first and light the light.
Nobody here. Nobody but Grandma o' Neill sleeping. I do not like this, Dan. They will come looking for you here. Uncle Adam. Look at her. Broadway sleeping in her chair and that stocking hanging up.
Every year she does that. Well, now we're gonna make it worth a while.
Look at that. Yeah. Pretty stuff, ain't it? You know there's a 5,000 reward out for it, right? And you're putting it in a stocking? Why not? It's a nice Christmas present, ain't it? Here we go.
It looks awful funny in that stuff. And it's gonna take more than a little explanation how it gets there. It's here, that's the main thing. Now, let's get going again. Where to now? Oh, I don't know. But you can go home if you want to. Yeah, I guess I will.
She's gonna believe it really is Santa Claus.
Wait.
Somebody came in the door. In the hall.
Coming up. Yeah. Get down, Broadway.
Who's that? Muriel. Dan. Oh, Dan. Oh, Dan, you crazy fool. Honey, everything's all right. Muriel, did you see anybody? No. But why did you come here? I had something to do. Honey, please. Dan, you can't stop. You can't stay in New York. What do you want me to do, run away? What do you care? If that's what it has to be, it's better than being killed. I don't think so. Ms. O' Neill is right. Then. Maybe, maybe not. Now, look, Muriel, you wait five minutes out here in the hall, then you go in your flight. But why? Do like I said. What are you gonna do, Dan? Me? I got a great idea. Do like I said, Broadway. Stay with me, Dan. Don't come after me, Broadway. What's he gonna do, Ms. O'? Neil? I do not know. And even if I do know, I would not understand it.
Well, we do like Dan Sundays. We wait five minutes and then we go into Muriel's flat. When she sees the jewelry in the stocking, she makes me tell her what happens. And then she runs out in the street to look for Dan. But he is gone. And it is not until the next day that I hear what happens. From Good Time Charlie. Sure, sure, I am telling it straight, Broadway. Dan goes right to the police and tells them he pulled that jewelry job. And? And he leaves the jewelry. So Muriel will get the reward. That is the way I figure it. But she will not accept it. But now he will get a couple of years at least. Sure he will. You know, maybe it is better this way. He goes to the clink, but he does not get rubbed out by Shotgun Sand. Yeah, yeah. But there is something I do not understand. But why is it that Muriel does not take the reward money? Dogs are very funny people sometimes, Broadway. They are very funny people. She says she will wait for him and they will start all over again. Yep, like you say, dolls are very funny people. But Charlie, there is something even funnier. Yeah? What is that? I am not able to figure out why Dan is still alive. And why Shotgun Sam is not watching your place here last night. Or haven't it watched.
Like I see? It is hard to figure that out. Anyway, Dan goes to the pen, but he gets a light sentence because he says he is going straight. And besides, he gives himself up. He gets out and marries Ms. Muriel O'. Neill. And the last I hear, they are living happily.
Well, it is a year later that I am once again sitting in Minnie's. It is again Christmas Eve. I look up from my blintzes and whom do I see but Shotgun San. He is looking at me with a funny look. He comes over and sits down and the scene is as follows. Hello, Broadway. Hello, Shotgun. It is just about a year since I saw you last. Is it not almost exactly Christmas Eve? L. Oh, no. You do not see me last Christmas Eve. I see you come out of Good Time Charlie's. I get a tip that Dancing Dan is headed today. I get there just as Ookie is going in. Ookie? Yeah. I wait and then I see you come out with Ookie. I must get a bad stare because dancing there never goes in nor comes out. It must be a bad steer you get. Well, I guess I will go now.
So long. So long. Oh, and Merry Christmas, Shotgun.
And so ends the famous Damon Runyon story, Dancing Dan's Christmas. The Damon Runyon Theater with John Brown as Broadway is directed by Richard Sanville and the stories adapted for radio by Russell Hughes. Vern Carstensen is in charge of production. This is a Mayfair production.
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Episode: Damon Runyon Theater – "Dancing Dan's Christmas"
Original Air Date: March 13, 1949
Podcast Release Date: December 4, 2025
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Featured Narrator: “Broadway” (John Brown)
This episode delivers a classic Christmas tale from the "Damon Runyon Theater," dramatizing Damon Runyon's story "Dancing Dan's Christmas." Set against the backdrop of New York's underworld, it's a story of loyalty, redemption, and the hope of a better life, all wrapped in vintage Runyon humor and tough-guy patter. The story unfolds around characters seeking goodwill and peace during Christmas—even those used to a life on the wrong side of the law.
“[Christmas is] the time when everybody is saying things about peace on earth, goodwill to men. … There are certain citizens who never hear of peace and goodwill is nice, but not absolutely necessary.”
— Broadway (00:49)
Broadway’s peaceful night is interrupted by Shotgun Sam, who's searching for Dancing Dan, suspected of “dancing too much with the wrong doll,” Muriel O’Neill, who is favored by the dangerous Heinie Schmitz.
Shotgun tries to coerce Broadway into helping him find Dan, hinting at dire consequences if he refuses.
"If you do [see Dan], Heine would take it as a personal favor if you would tell me. He would take it as a personal affront if you do not... So would I."
— Shotgun Sam (03:21)
To avoid trouble, Broadway seeks refuge at Good Time Charlie’s bar, a place Dan isn’t likely to visit.
Dan unexpectedly appears, in high spirits and hinting at a change in his life.
"From now on, I'm going the straight and narrow. … Maybe because I'm in love… Christmas is no better time for a guy to cut out his old life and build something new for himself."
— Dancing Dan (06:33)
Broadway and Charlie warn Dan about Shotgun’s threat, but Dan opts to stay and toast to his new future.
Their gathering is interrupted by Ookie, a friend dressed as Santa, desperate to make money for his sick wife by advertising in the cold.
Dan selflessly insists on taking Ookie’s place as Santa, risking exposure to Shotgun for the sake of goodwill and charity.
“No, you don’t… Fletcher’s Santa Claus is gonna walk around. … Me? I’m gonna be Santa Claus.”
— Dancing Dan (11:33)
Dan, now dressed as Santa, and Broadway roam the snowy streets, Dan intent on helping others and completing two crucial tasks:
“You are walking around in a Santa Claus suit with $50 grand worth of jewelry wrapped up in a newspaper?”
— Broadway (16:51)
Dan uses his Santa disguise to drum up donations for the Salvation Army and to spread Christmas cheer despite the lurking shadow of Shotgun.
Dan’s real aim is revealed: He intends to return stolen jewelry (worth $50,000) to the police as a gesture of going straight, and to place it anonymously in Muriel’s grandmother’s stocking to claim a reward for Muriel.
“I made a haul. 50,000 clams worth of jewelry. ... This is Christmas Eve. … I figured I’d take it back to the police because I am going straight.”
— Dancing Dan (16:51)
Broadway and Charlie discuss Dan's fate:
“She says she will wait for him and they will start all over again. Yep, like you say, dolls are very funny people.”
— Good Time Charlie (24:37)
On Christmas Irony:
“It says peace on earth, goodwill towards men. Okay, I’m through running away. If Shotgun wants to rub me out on Christmas Eve, let him. I’m not gonna run away anymore.”
— Dancing Dan (12:52)
On the Spirit of Giving:
“Why kill yourself for a measly four bits an hour?”
— Dan to Ookie, before volunteering as Santa (11:33)
On Redemption:
“This year, that stocking’s gonna get something good in it. … See this package? … I’m going straight.”
— Dan (16:51)
On Tough Choices:
“Dogs are very funny people sometimes, Broadway. … She says she will wait for him and they will start all over again.”
— Good Time Charlie (24:37)
On Second Chances:
“Anyway, Dan goes to the pen, but he gets a light sentence because he says he is going straight. … And the last I hear, they are living happily.”
— Broadway (24:51)
“Dancing Dan’s Christmas” is a heartwarming, wisecracking Christmas tale set in Runyon’s world of Broadway characters. The episode balances suspense, redemption, and a touch of Old New York magic, all delivered in the unique, wry tone of the storyteller Broadway. At its core, it’s about risking everything to do the right thing—even when you’re not expected to, especially at Christmas.