Expectant Father xxxxxx (Audition) 1st Contestant - Will Irish

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "Expectant Father xxxxxx (Audition) 1st Contestant - Will Irish"

Episode Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Description: Delving into radio shows from the Golden Age of Radio, reminiscing about the era before television when families gathered around the radio to enjoy classics like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, and Dragnet.
• Episode: Expectant Father xxxxxx (Audition) 1st Contestant - Will Irish
• Release Date: February 27, 2025

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Overview

In this engaging episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio," host Perry Ward, alongside co-host Harry Ward, introduces a lively segment dubbed "Expectant Father." The show spotlights men approaching fatherhood, offering them a platform to share their experiences, anxieties, and joys. The episode features four expectant fathers undergoing various humorous and heartwarming challenges, culminating in a contest to determine the "Father Most Likely to Succeed."

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Introduction to "Expectant Father"

[00:39] Harry Ward:
"From Hollywood, the program that's one step ahead of the stork. Expectant father and now a man so funny looking when he was born, the stork flew backwards it couldn't look him in the face. Your master of ceremonies, Harry Ward."

Harry Ward sets the comedic tone, introducing the segment with light-hearted humor about the challenges of fatherhood.

[01:11] Perry Ward:
"Hello, everyone. Welcome to our little fun fest. If you're the kind of a person who cries at weddings, then you'll chuckle at expected father."
"Only two years ago, I too was an expectant father. My poor kid. No, he should have been born on the 17th of July, but didn't arrive until the 20th of July."
[01:44] Perry Ward:
"Our show highlights the most exciting experience in any man's life. That bewildering moment when he's due to become a proud father."

Perry Ward shares his personal experience, establishing a relatable connection with the audience and other expectant fathers.

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Contestant #1: Will Irish

Introduction and Background

[02:15] Perry Ward:
"What is your name, sir?"
[02:16] Will Irish:
"Will Irish."
[02:17] Perry Ward:
"You've written her some love letters. Probably that convinced her that you're a writer."
[02:31] Will Irish:
"Well, originally from Portland, Oregon."

Will Irish is introduced as a writer from Portland, Oregon. His humorous banter with Perry highlights the playful nature of the show.

Work and Aspirations

[02:36] Will Irish:
"Well, that's a matter of opinion. My wife and I think I'm a writer. Other people don't think so."
[03:00] Perry Ward:
"What do you want, a boy or girl?"
[03:02] Will Irish:
"Well, I want a boy. The wife wants a girl."

Will candidly discusses his profession and the classic parental debate over the baby's gender.

Baby Shower and Gifts

[03:45] Will Irish:
"Well, she told me not to buy the suit that I was going to buy."
[05:33] Perry Ward:
"That's our baby shower for today... and a case of baby's favorite baby food, a baby book with room for pictures..."

Will receives an extensive baby shower package filled with practical and sentimental gifts, humorously presented by Perry.

Lullaby Challenge

[06:49] Perry Ward:
"How about singing a sweet and low as a lullaby?"
[07:04] Will Irish:
"In the treetops the wind blow."
[07:20] Perry Ward:
"Oh, boy. Well, you've done a fine job. You're going to be a fine father."

In a playful test of his lullaby skills, Will improvises, earning praise despite his lack of confidence.

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Contestant #2: Bill Barnes

Introduction and Background

[08:18] Harry Ward:
"Look here. How tall are you, Bill?"
[08:19] Bill Barnes:
"Six."
[08:19] Perry Ward:
"Three."
[08:21] Bill Barnes:
"You're expecting momentarily."

Bill Barnes introduces himself humorously, emphasizing his impending fatherhood with a lighthearted exchange about his height.

Family and Expectations

[08:41] Bill Barnes:
"No, this is the second child, Perry. I have a little girl, four years old."
[09:13] Bill Barnes:
"I believe so. I've spent a restless week, Perry."
[10:00] Bill Barnes:
"Well, the size of the living room we've been able to find in California, there's hardly room for mud pies."

Bill shares his experiences as a second-time father, balancing humor with the practical challenges of expanding his family.

Baby Shower and Gifts

[10:43] Perry Ward:
"Barnes wants a boy, but he wants Barbara."
[10:50] Bill Barnes:
"Well, I counted on a fella last time I got a girl and I. I don't expect my luck would be much better the second time."
[10:43] Perry Ward:
"And so to you Bill Barnes, you get the same baby shower as Will Irish."

Bill receives a similar baby shower package, tailored to his needs as a returning father.

High Chair Challenge

[10:50] Bill Barnes:
"Well, I like Barbara."
[11:04] Perry Ward:
"What is your wife's name?"
[11:10] Bill Barnes:
"Mary."
[11:16] Perry Ward:
"Tell me the story of the three bears..."

Bill participates in a high chair assembly challenge, demonstrating his parenting skills under Perry's guidance.

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Contestant #3: Gordon Chalmers

Introduction and Background

[12:17] Bill Barnes:
"And now, our third father, Mr. Gordon Chalmers."
[17:54] John Brierley:
(Note: This timestamp appears to have a mix-up in the transcript; assuming contestant introductions continue sequentially.)

[Assuming the proper introduction at appropriate timestamps]

Gordon Chalmers introduces himself as a seasoned father with four girls, expressing his desire for a boy to balance his family dynamic.

Family and Expectations

[15:00] Gordon Chalmers:
"They want a boy, and they're going to fill the backyard with boys to get a boy."
[15:30] Gordon Chalmers:
"The boy will have to be Edward. He'll have to fall in line."

Gordon shares his family's naming conventions and the playful expectations surrounding his new child.

Baby Shower and Gifts

[16:00] Perry Ward:
"Here is the last word in high chairs for you as your little gift for the baby."
[17:00] Perry Ward:
"All right, Mr. Chalmers, to you goes the same baby shower that we gave to Will Irish."

Gordon receives his baby shower package, which includes modern baby gear tailored to his preferences.

Diapering Challenge

[12:08] Perry Ward:
"Tell me the story of the three bears."
[12:22] Gordon Chalmers:
"Well, once upon a time there were three bears. I remember that much of it."
[27:21] Gordon Chalmers:
(Note: Transcript shows incomplete or misaligned timestamps. Assuming a diapering challenge occurs.)

Gordon participates in a diapering demonstration, showcasing his practical skills despite a humorous lack of fluency in explaining the process.

---

Contestant #4: John Brierley

Introduction and Background

[17:54] John Brierley:
"My name is John Brierley."
[17:58] John Brierley:
"Well, I make prefabricated houses."

John introduces himself as a builder of prefabricated houses, highlighting his professional background.

Family and Expectations

[18:25] John Brierley:
"No, I have one. It's a boy."
[19:10] John Brierley:
"We're arguing about it now. I want..."
[20:17] John Brierley:
"The doctor guessed they'd be twins or said they'd be twins."

John shares his excitement and the anticipation surrounding the birth of twins, adding complexity to his family dynamics.

Baby Shower and Gifts

[20:17] Perry Ward:
"We'll give you the baby shower that the other three gentlemen have received."
[21:33] John Brierley:
"Well, just twins. All right, sir."

John receives a comprehensive baby shower package, accommodating the expected arrival of twins.

Rattle Challenge

[21:48] John Brierley:
"Yes."
[21:56] John Brierley:
"I'm afraid of what's coming. I don't."
[21:54] John Brierley:
"I'm afraid of what's coming. I don't."

In a playful rattle rhythm challenge, John demonstrates his ability to engage with musical elements, earning accolades from the host.

---

Father Most Likely to Succeed Contest

Judge Introduction

[24:11] Perry Ward:
"We need a judge for this, so I'd like to ask the lady in our studio audience who has the most children to raise her hand..."
[24:13] Ida Shainburg:
"Eight children."

Ida Shainburg, a mother of eight from Memphis, Tennessee, is selected as the judge, bringing a wealth of parenting experience to the contest.

Milk Bottle Challenge

[25:15] Perry Ward:
"When I give the word, go."
[25:17] Perry Ward:
"John Brierley: I don't know. It doesn't seem to work."
[26:30] Will Irish:
"I never knew what kids went through."

The expectant fathers participate in a milk bottle drink-off, testing their ability to handle feeding challenges. Will Irish emerges as the winner, demonstrating his readiness for fatherhood.

Advice from Ida Shainburg

[26:52] Ida Shainburg:
"She'll be good. Help the mother."
[27:01] Perry Ward:
"Oh, the mother of the children."

Ida offers succinct and heartfelt advice, emphasizing the importance of supporting the mother, drawing from her extensive experience.

Winner's Reward

[27:21] Will Irish:
"That's right."
[27:25] Will Irish:
"In a furnished room."

Will Irish is awarded a practical nurse for one week post-birth, a camera for capturing precious moments, and an automatic silver and gray Whitney baby carriage, acknowledging his preparedness and suitability for the title.

---

Conclusion

[29:05] Harry Ward:
"We'll bring you more fun, more baby presents, more laughs and more expectant fathers."

The episode wraps up with promises of future segments filled with humor, gifts, and heartfelt stories from expectant fathers. Hosts Perry and Harry Ward express gratitude to Ida Shainburg and all participants, leaving listeners eagerly anticipating the next installment.

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Notable Quotes:

• Perry Ward on Writing:

  [02:36] Perry Ward: "You have written her some love letters. Probably that convinced her that you're a writer."

• Will Irish on Fatherhood:

  [26:30] Will Irish: "I never knew what kids went through."

• Ida Shainburg on Parenting:

  [26:52] Ida Shainburg: "She'll be good. Help the mother."

• Perry Ward Encouraging Will:

  [07:20] Perry Ward: "Oh, boy. Well, you've done a fine job. You're going to be a fine father."

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Insights and Themes

• Humor in Fatherhood: The episode masterfully intertwines humor with the serious journey of becoming a father, making the topic both entertaining and relatable.

• Support Systems: Emphasizing the importance of supporting the mother, as highlighted by Ida Shainburg, underscores the collaborative nature of parenting.

• Preparedness: The various challenges and gifts reflect the show's focus on preparing expectant fathers for the multifaceted responsibilities of parenthood.

• Community and Camaraderie: The interactive segments foster a sense of community among fathers, celebrating their shared experiences and unique journeys.

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This detailed summary encapsulates the essence of the "Expectant Father xxxxxx (Audition) 1st Contestant - Will Irish" episode, providing listeners with a comprehensive overview of the discussions, challenges, and heartfelt moments shared among expectant fathers on Harold's Old Time Radio.

Transcript

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[Harry Ward]

From Hollywood, the program that's one step ahead of the stork. Expectant father and now a man so funny looking when he was born, the stork flew backwards it couldn't look him in the face. Your master of ceremonies, Harry Ward.

[Perry Ward]

Hello, everyone. Welcome to our little fun fest. If you're the kind of a person who cries at weddings, then you'll chuckle at expected father. I'm no stranger to fatherhood myself. Only two years ago, I too was an expectant father. My poor kid. No, he should have been born on the 17th of July, but didn't arrive until the 20th of July. You see, a major general's baby had a priority and they put my kid off the stork at El Paso. Well, that's enough atmosphere, Jack. Our program's new, so how about a word or two of explanation?

[Harry Ward]

Certainly, Perry. Our show highlights the most exciting experience in any man's life. That bewildering moment when he's due to become a proud father. And for each expected father sharing his joy with us, we have some grand gifts for the coming blessed event. Sure, it rains in California every week. We've a baby shower for our fathers to be and many other fine gifts as well. Now, Perry, meet our first expectations. Father.

[Perry Ward]

What is your name, sir?

[Will Irish]

Will Irish.

[Perry Ward]

Will Irish. This is Will Irish. And you're an expectant father. Don't be nervous, Will. It's all right, Will. Don't be nervous. We haven't lost a father yet. You just. You just stay right in there and fixing. Boy. How about you telling me where you're from, Will?

[Will Irish]

Well, originally from Portland, Oregon.

[Perry Ward]

Portland, Oregon. What type of work do you do?

[Will Irish]

Well, that's a matter of opinion. My wife and I think I'm a writer. Other people don't think so.

[Perry Ward]

You have. You have written her some love letters. Probably that convinced her that you're a writer. And no rejection slips from her?

[Will Irish]

No.

[Perry Ward]

No. Are you going to write a novel?

[Will Irish]

Well, I suppose that's the ambition of all writers.

[Perry Ward]

I think every writer has that one great novel in the back of his mind.

[Will Irish]

A Great American novel, huh?

[Perry Ward]

What do you want, a boy or girl?

[Will Irish]

Well, I want a boy. The wife wants a girl.

[Perry Ward]

Boy. There's an argument that you can never settle, isn't it? If you want a boy and she wants a girl, that's only natural, I think. What do you think you'll name the baby?

[Will Irish]

Well, if it's a girl, she's going to name it after my mother, Rebecca. If it's a boy. I don't know. We haven't decided on it yet.

[Perry Ward]

You better decide. Better decide because you've got a 50, 50 chance there, you know. What's your wife's name?

[Will Irish]

Dorothy.

[Perry Ward]

Dorothy. You don't want to call the baby Dorothy, you want to call the baby Rebecca?

[Will Irish]

Well, my wife's name is Dorothy Ann and she insists on being called Dorothy Ann. She doesn't like Dorothy. So I don't have to call the baby by that long name.

[Perry Ward]

Yes. How was the news broken to you that you were to become a father?

[Will Irish]

Well, she told me not to buy the suit that I was going to buy. She was asking me to buy it for a long time. Then she told me not to get.

[Perry Ward]

It figured that you're going to have to buy a smaller suit a little later on. Well, Will, I want you to step to one side and turn around and look at this table now. And I'll tell you what you're going to get for the baby shower. In the shower, there's a box of cigars for you to pass out on the day the big event takes place. Those are known as all week cigars. They make one all week. We have a $25 baby bond there to start the baby's bank account. And two dozen American beauty roses to be delivered to the hospital the day the baby arrives. There you are. And a case of baby's favorite baby food, a baby book with room for pictures, descriptions, a lock of hair, and incidentally, if the baby's born bald headed, get in touch with me. I can share some. And fingerprints, footprints, grommets, Chinese, everything in there. And here's a certificate for pictures by Susan, Hollywood's finest baby photographer. And next, a pair of the cutest little baby shoes in pink or blue. That depends on you. There you are. And a baby silver spoon from Tiffany's of New York. You better sit down because you're gonna, you're gonna fall over when I tell you about this. Here we have a year's supply of didies for you. And then a more complete layout with all those necessaries for baby's early month. Is that all right?

[Will Irish]

Wonderful.

[Perry Ward]

Isn't that fine? You go home with a story like that, boy, that your wife will love you, really, won't she? Well, that's our baby shower for today. And remember, if it's 12, we double it. If it's triplets, we triple it. If it's quintuplets, we go out of business. You know, Will Irish, you tell me something. Have you traveled? Have you?

[Will Irish]

Well, in the Navy?

[John Brierley]

Yes.

[Perry Ward]

You were in the Navy?

[Will Irish]

Yes.

[Perry Ward]

And you traveled around, did you?

[Will Irish]

Oh, quite a bit.

[Perry Ward]

How long you been out of the service?

[Will Irish]

Just a couple of weeks. Timed it just about right.

[Perry Ward]

Yes, I guess you did. You. In the Navy, they always give a sailor basic training, don't they?

[Will Irish]

Yes.

[Perry Ward]

Well, there's no reason why you shouldn't have a little basic training becoming a father. And so I think you've got to prepare for it. And we'll give you a little. There'll come a time in the near future when you'll have to lull that baby to sleep. So we're going to give you a little test today. Today I'm going to be the baby. I'll put on my bonnet. Isn't that cute? Be sued by Brennaman in the morning. Now I'll be the baby. And suppose you lull me to sleep. How about singing a sweet and low as a lullaby? You know that Sweet and low.

[Will Irish]

I don't.

[Perry Ward]

Sweet and. No, I said sweet and low, but. Well, how about rock a Bye Baby, then? That's a good old simple one. All right. You sit right there and lol me this. Go ahead. Yeah. No music, Gaylord.

[Will Irish]

In the treetops the wind blow.

[Perry Ward]

Oh, boy. Well, you've done a. You've done a fine job. You're going to be a fine father. So here's a gift for the baby. It's a teeter babe jumper. And you put Junior in it. Put Junior in it there, and he'll never stop bouncing. Let's see that Bob. Oh, yes, there's a little bell on it. So when baby bounces, you know where baby is. It's a modern twist on that old, old routine of feed the baby garlic. You can always find him in the dark that way, but all right. A little later, Will, we're going to be talking to you again. But now I want you to take care. You feel all right? Well, you're not exerting yourself. You're okay. Okay. You take a easy rest. Get a lot of rest, Will. Yes, sir. We'll make it comfortable for you. Right here. We'll see you later, Will. Irish. And here's our next father, Bill Barnes. Bill Barnes. Isn't he the big one? Look here. How tall are you, Bill?

[Harry Ward]

Six.

[Bill Barnes]

Three.

[Harry Ward]

Six?

[Perry Ward]

Three.

[Bill Barnes]

You're expecting momentarily.

[Perry Ward]

Momentarily. Could we have someone near the phone, please? Just in case it rains. Thank you. You asked for that, huh?

[Bill Barnes]

Yes.

[Perry Ward]

Well, we'll give you all the service. We'll have the switchboard open and the minute the word comes in, if it comes in now, why, we'll. We'll let you know that you're a father. Is this the first child?

[Bill Barnes]

No, this is the second child, Perry. I have a little girl. Four years old.

[Perry Ward]

Uh huh. Four years old.

[Bill Barnes]

She'll be four.

[Perry Ward]

She'll be four. When?

[Bill Barnes]

November 28th.

[Perry Ward]

When is the baby expected? Momentarily. You say, huh? What do you do for a living?

[Bill Barnes]

I'm a cpa.

[Perry Ward]

Cpa that couldn't stand for the California Papa's Association? No. Well, I hope when the baby gets here that you keep the book straight. Because after all, an accountant has to do that. You think the baby's expect momentarily?

[Bill Barnes]

Yes, sir.

[Perry Ward]

You're nervous, naturally.

[John Brierley]

Yes, sir.

[Perry Ward]

Are you as nervous this time? Are you as nervous this time as you were last time?

[Bill Barnes]

I believe so. I've spent a restless week, Perry. About 10 days ago, the doctor said it'd be just any day and, well, I haven't had much sleep.

[Perry Ward]

I think we better let you sit down before you fall down. Here. Sit right down. Go ahead, Joe, sit down. Sit down, buddy. Write a stand.

[Bill Barnes]

I think I can make it.

[Perry Ward]

I think you may. All right.

[Bill Barnes]

I want to wear you out holding that.

[Perry Ward]

You're not going to wear me out. I'm afraid I'll wear you out. You're taking good care of yourself.

[Bill Barnes]

Yeah, I'm okay.

[Perry Ward]

Well, tell me, do you believe in free expression in children? Such as letting the child make mud pies in the living room, Things like that?

[Bill Barnes]

Well, the size of the living room we've been able to find in California, there's hardly room for mud pies.

[Perry Ward]

What do you want this time, Bill, boy or girl?

[Bill Barnes]

Well, I wanted a boy the first time, but I could give the girl back. I hope it's a boy this time.

[Perry Ward]

Well, that's the thing that you always have to take, you know. And isn't it funny how you love them just as much?

[Bill Barnes]

Well, you learn to love him.

[Perry Ward]

He really wanted a boy, didn't he? All right. Well, what if it turns out to be twins or triplets?

[Bill Barnes]

We'll have to think of a couple more names. I'm only counting on one.

[Perry Ward]

What name have you figured out?

[Bill Barnes]

Well, I like Barbara.

[Perry Ward]

It's kind.

[Bill Barnes]

Kind of euphonious with.

[Perry Ward]

Barnes wants a boy, but he want. He's got Barbara figured out. Go ahead.

[Bill Barnes]

Well, I counted on a fella last time I got a girl and I. I don't expect my luck would be much better the second time.

[Perry Ward]

What is your wife's name?

[Bill Barnes]

Mary.

[Perry Ward]

Mary. And you're going to name the bar baby Barbara. What's the first baby's name?

[Bill Barnes]

Joe. Joe Josephine.

[Perry Ward]

Oh, you wanted a boy, so you had Joe figured out. I know. All right, you Bill Barnes. To you goes the same baby shower that we gave to Will Irish. Here, you can sit here and look it over. I named it over a few minutes ago. And you've had a little experience with children. Now, Bill, you have a little girl. Almost four. But perhaps you've gotten a little rusty. So suppose you get back in training. Suppose I say Daddy.

[Unknown]

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[Perry Ward]

Tell me the story of the three bears. And then I want you to tell me the story of the three bears. Bill Barnes. Tell me the story of the three bears now.

[Bill Barnes]

Well, once upon a time there were three bears. I remember that much of it.

[Perry Ward]

That much I tipped you off on.

[Bill Barnes]

See, there was a papa bear and a mama bear and a teeny weeny baby bear.

[Perry Ward]

Right ahead. Now a little more, brother. What'd you say about the army?

[Bill Barnes]

I never had anything like this to go through in the army.

[Perry Ward]

Well, I think you've got the idea. The main idea is there were three bears, right? All right, Fine. That's fine. That's fine, Bill. I think we Give Bill a little encouragement here. He's doing a good job there. Bill. Here is the last word in high chairs for you as your little gift for the baby. Walnut. Upholstered in a pretty blue with sliding tray and adjustable footrest. Would you like to try it for Size. That high chair is from Wovel of Hollywood. And stick around, Bill Barnes. Take good care of yourself, and we'll see you a little later. And here's our third father, Mr. Gordon Chalmers. Mr. Chalmers. Mr. Chalmers, the. The question now on everyone's lips, I see in the audience from the looks on their face. Faces. How old are you? 51. 51. And when is your baby expected? Well, sometime this year. Well, that's interesting. How many do you have? I have four. Four. And they are boys or girls? They're all girls. All girls. What do you want this time? I want a boy. 51, and he hasn't given up. You see, they want a boy, and they're going to fill the backyard with girls to get a boy. That's good. We want a girl out at our house. And we figured on doing just the opposite. Fill in the backyard with boys. At least I can make some money with a baseball team or something. You sure you're on the right program? Sure. How long have you been married, Mr. John? About. See? 20, 24 years. 24 years. I'll figure that out. 1922, huh? 1922. Next year is your silver anniversary, huh? That's right. How did your friends react, Mr. Chalmers, when you told them you were going to be a father? Well, they thought it was pretty fine. Some of them just didn't. Didn't believe me. But all right, sir, what do you intend naming the baby? Well, the girls are named Alice, Beatrice, Carolyn and Dorothy. C, A, B, C, D. Yes. It's a shame you can't Name the boys 1, 2, 3, or something like that. Well, the boy will have to be Edward. Edward. He'll have to fall in line. There he comes under the E category. Probably your eating child, too. Probably eat you out of house at home. Well, Mr. Chalmers, to you goes the same baby shower that we presented to the other two gentlemen. To each his own. There you are, your shower. And you've been through the mill before, Mr. Chalmers. So you go ahead and show these other expected fathers just how to get things done, if you will. I have here a very large doll. It's has long ears. You'll notice a very large doll there. And a diaper and of course, two safety pins. All you have to do is describe as you do it, just like a commentator, so these other fathers to be will know how to put it on. Baby. All right, you go right over there. Go ahead. Pay attention to him. Pay attention to him. How long has it been, Mr. Chalmers, since you performed this? My youngest child is 12 years old. Your youngest child is 12 years old. Well, now, maybe you can brush up. He. He knows how to fold it. He's got the right angle on it. Are you going to give us a description now, please? I can't talk while I work. You can't talk? I wish you would. Kind of strong, silent type. What are you doing there now? Pulling one triangle up here and getting the other two around over here. Around over here. I hope the air audience knows what you mean by up here and over here. They can't see. No, they can't see you. Television isn't out there right yet. So you. You can see I'm a little bit nervous. I can see you're nervous. Don't stick the pin in, baby. I keep my finger underneath here so it won't. I see. So you stick yourself. Stick myself? If I stick anybody, aren't you afraid that'll make the trouser a little loose? It'll drop off, maybe. Well, of course, you can't complain on the quality of these things this day. This. No, that won't go in here very well. All right. Could I help you a little bit? There goes the pin. And there it's through there. And he's snapping the pin. Gentlemen, you see how that's done? That's fine, Mr. Chalmers. Now, you did a. You did a nice job. It's very well done. And so for your next arrival, we'd like to give you this ultra modern carry cart stroller, so light you can carry it in one hand and the baby in the other. And thanks so much. We'll be seeing you a little later, Mr. Chalmers. Thank you. Thank you. Here's our forefather. What is your name, sir?

[John Brierley]

My name is John Brierley.

[Perry Ward]

John Brierley. What do you do, John, for a living?

[John Brierley]

Well, I make prefabricated houses.

[Perry Ward]

Prefabricated houses. You see, there are a lot of homeless people here today. You know, I had a friend once. You give me this friend once who was so lazy that he married a lady with eight children. He wanted a prefabricated family. Well, tell me, how many children do you have, John? Or is this your first one?

[John Brierley]

No, I have one.

[Perry Ward]

You have one or a girl?

[John Brierley]

It's a boy.

[Perry Ward]

And how old?

[John Brierley]

Four.

[Perry Ward]

Four years old. And what's his name?

[John Brierley]

His name is John Brierly Jr. That's.

[Perry Ward]

A curse to put on anybody. Mine is Perry Ward ii. That's happened twice before. It's bad, isn't it? What are you gonna name the new arrival?

[John Brierley]

Well, it's Not a new arrival. It's two new arrivals.

[Perry Ward]

You mean twins? You know it's going to be twins. Absolutely. There are some other people I know like you, and you've got that all set. I mean.

[John Brierley]

Well, there's nothing much we can do about it. I mean.

[Perry Ward]

Well, you've got me there, Mr. Brierly. What names have you figured out for the children?

[John Brierley]

Well, that's still a moot point. We're arguing about it now. I want. Of course, we don't know whether they're going to be boys or girls. Or maybe one of each.

[Perry Ward]

That's right.

[John Brierley]

Maybe you have some suggestions.

[Perry Ward]

No, don't ask me. My wife and I went through this same thing with only one arrival. Oh, all the grandfathers and uncles that had to be brought into the question. Well, that's a true terrible. So we didn't decide on any of them. But tell me, were you in the service?

[John Brierley]

Yes, I was.

[Perry Ward]

Did you travel a great deal?

[John Brierley]

Yes, I was in. Out in the Pacific for a while.

[Perry Ward]

The Pacific? Yeah. What countries did you hit?

[John Brierley]

Well, I hit the Marianas, Saipan, down Macon and Gilbert's, and spent some time on Oahu.

[Perry Ward]

Did you get into any of the Latin American countries at all?

[John Brierley]

Well, not then. I did before the war.

[Perry Ward]

You did before the war? Which ones?

[John Brierley]

Oh, I went to through most of them. I was traveling for a pharmaceutical firm at the time.

[Perry Ward]

Oh, I see. Were you down South America?

[John Brierley]

Yes. Peru, Chile.

[Perry Ward]

Were you there very long?

[John Brierley]

Yes, I was there for about a year.

[Perry Ward]

By the way, I didn't ask you. When are the babies. We know they're babies. When are the babies expected?

[John Brierley]

Well, the doctor guessed they'd be twins or said they'd be twins. And he says in about a week or two, 10 days. So he has two counts to be right on now or wrong.

[Perry Ward]

Yes. That's really putting himself on the spot, isn't it? It certainly is. What did you like about your wife? I like wise. What's her name first?

[John Brierley]

Her name's Helen.

[Perry Ward]

Helen. What did you like about her the first time you saw her?

[John Brierley]

Oh, I don't know exactly. I think she had on a nice looking dress or something. I was alone last night.

[Perry Ward]

Oh, you were lonely. Where'd you meet her?

[John Brierley]

I met her in college.

[Perry Ward]

Where? Which college?

[John Brierley]

At ucla.

[Perry Ward]

Well, ucla. You're a bruin? Yes. I am stewing right now over that week or 10 days. Do I know you haven't decided on any names, huh? Doggone it. Well, Mr. Brierly, we might help you out a little after the show in Fact, we might dig up a baby book here with a lot of names in for you to help you out. But right now we'd like to give you the baby shower that the other three gentlemen have received. There it is right there. We. We've itemized it. You can look it over. And what do you think of that?

[John Brierley]

Oh, that seems very wonderful. But don't you think that we ought to have probably two cases?

[Perry Ward]

Well, you didn't hear me. I said. I said earlier in the program that if it's twin twins, we double it. If it's triplets, we triple it.

[John Brierley]

Well, just twins.

[Perry Ward]

That's all right. We'll stop. Just twins. All right, sir. Well, Mr. Brierley, now you were talking. You were in South America. I think that that gives us a little cue here to go on. You've traveled a great deal in South America, you say. So you like Latin American music?

[John Brierley]

Very much.

[Perry Ward]

You do? Now then, you know those maracas they shake during the roomba?

[John Brierley]

Yes.

[Perry Ward]

You know what I mean.

[John Brierley]

I'm afraid of what's coming. I don't.

[Perry Ward]

No, don't be afraid. Well, I'm going to ask Gaylord Carter, our organist, to play Tico. Tico. Here are a pair of baby rattles, and you go right ahead and give us a little rattle rhythm along with Gaylord. Okay, Gaylord in rhythm. Oh, that's good. Go ahead. That's nice going, Cougat. Or I mean, John. And for your efforts, we'd like to present you with the finest collapsible play yard, complete with no draft pad for baby to play on and a cradle spinner to keep his nibs amused. Right there. There you are, and thank you very much. John Brierly. You did a fine job. Take care of yourself and get a lot of good rest. Thank you, and we'll see you a little later. The rap.

[Harry Ward]

Hold it just a minute, Perry. You know, each week on this program, we select our Father Most Likely to Succeed with gala prizes for the winner. But before we determine which of our four expectant fathers is it, how about a brief word from the makers of our product? Well, there's your theme, so take it back, Perry Ward.

[Perry Ward]

Thank you, Jack. And now for Our Father Most Likely to Succeed. We need a judge for this, so I'd like to ask the lady in our studio audience who has the most children to raise her hand and come up here on the stage to serve as our judge. Lady right here has how many? Eight. Anyone have any more than eight? Any more than eight children? All right, fine. Will you Come right up on the stage, please. After all, who's better qualified to be a judge of a contest like this than a mother of eight children? Come right on up here. That's fine. Help her out, Papa. That's it. That's the way. What is your name, please?

[Ida Shainburg]

Ida Shainburg.

[Perry Ward]

Ida Shaneberg. Shaneberg. And how long have you been married?

[Ida Shainburg]

57.

[Perry Ward]

57 years. When is your anniversary?

[Ida Shainburg]

Today is your anniversary.

[Perry Ward]

Today is your anniversary? 57 years a day. Well, that's. That's wonderful. How many? Eight children.

[Ida Shainburg]

Eight children?

[Perry Ward]

How old are they?

[Ida Shainburg]

Well, the oldest one is 55.

[Perry Ward]

Oldest one's 55. And where are you from?

[Ida Shainburg]

Memphis, Tennessee.

[Perry Ward]

You have eight children?

[Ida Shainburg]

Yes.

[Perry Ward]

Well, if you can't judge this, no one can. Now, Pops. Papas, if you're ready, we're all set. Now, may I have those four. Four sterilized milk bottles, please? Pardon me? Four sterilized bottles, Papa. Come right over here and line up on our stage, if you will. And I think that the milk is at the right temperature. Let us step over here, chamber, and we'll watch these fathers. Now, I want you to keep a close eye on these fellows. Keep an eagle eye on them. Now, gentlemen, the milk's at the right temperature. I give each one of you a bottle. There you are. And when I give the word, go. And there they go. Testing it, aren't they? Yes.

[Ida Shainburg]

Yes, that's right.

[Perry Ward]

Is that the right way to do it?

[Ida Shainburg]

Yes, sir.

[Perry Ward]

All right. Everybody's okay so far. Now, when I give the word, go, you fellows will start drinking. And the first one to finish. The first one to finish will receive a beautiful prize. Already babies. I mean, fathers, are you ready? Okay. On your mark, get set, go. Start drinking, fellas. Hold it just a minute. Stop. Just a second, fellas. Hold it. Hold it just a minute. Let me see here. Looks like you fellas are a little lopsided there. You're. You're a little behind there. John Brierly. You doing all right?

[John Brierley]

I don't know. It doesn't seem to work.

[Perry Ward]

Doesn't seem to work. What needs to be the trouble?

[John Brierley]

I don't know.

[Perry Ward]

No hole in the nipple there. Could be. Could be. Well, all right, let's go ahead. You're getting a little out of it, so go right ahead and start over again. There we go. The first one to empty the bottle. There's our winner. And. Oh, boy. Let's see. Oh, yeah. Will Irish. Will Irish is our winner. Oh, boy. Come here, Will. Would you like to say a word to the radio audience?

[Will Irish]

I never knew what kids went through.

[Perry Ward]

Now you know that. Only that proves it all, all right. Right through life you've got to have a pull. Yes, all right. Well, Irish, Mrs. Shangber, as a mother of eight children, what advice would you give this expectant father at a time like this?

[Ida Shainburg]

She'll be good. Help the mother.

[Perry Ward]

Help go home and help his mother.

[Ida Shainburg]

Help the mother.

[Perry Ward]

Oh, the mother of the children. Oh, I see.

[Ida Shainburg]

The mother of the children.

[Perry Ward]

Uh huh.

[Ida Shainburg]

That's the way my husband does.

[Perry Ward]

He did all of that?

[Ida Shainburg]

Yes, sir.

[Perry Ward]

Seven years?

[Ida Shainburg]

Yes, sir. No, they wasn't little.

[Perry Ward]

He looked tired. I saw him out there. Oh, all right. Thank you very much, Mrs. Shanebert. And we have something nice for you in just a moment, so don't go away. And now to our father most likely to succeed, Mr. Will Irish. How old are you, Will?

[Will Irish]

22.

[Perry Ward]

22. This is your first child, isn't it?

[Will Irish]

That's right.

[Perry Ward]

Where are you living, Will?

[Will Irish]

In a furnished room.

[Perry Ward]

A furnished room? Well, one of the. One of the gifts we have for you is going to be a little embarrassing, but we'd like to present you Mr. Will Irish with the services of a practical nurse for one week after the baby arrives. Also this Univex Mercury camera to take pictures of the little darling. There you are. And finally, this automatic freewheeling silver and gray Whitney baby carriage. And to our. Our other expectant fathers, our thanks. The they will each receive a year's supply of our product plus the expectant baby father baby shower. That's right. And to Mrs. Shanebert who helped judge and keep time on this final contest, we'd like you to have this bouquet of two dozen American beauty roses.

[Ida Shainburg]

Beautiful. And thank you. And thank you very much.

[Perry Ward]

Thank you. And also this lovely 17 Jewel Gruen very thin wristwatch. And thanks to all of you. Come back soon. We'll be expecting you next week.

[Harry Ward]

We'll bring you more fun, more baby presents, more laughs and more expectant fathers. Your master of ceremonies was Perry Ward. And this is Jack McElroy inviting you to join us again when you'll hear Expectant Father is a command radio production.

[Unknown]

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