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Goon Show 55-11-29 611 The Lost Colony
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Goon Show 55-11-29 611 The Lost Colony
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Peter Sellers
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What a beautiful melody, lad. You like it, Mr. Greenslee? It's the start of my great new symphony number eight. Beautiful, yes. Play it again, lad. Thank you, lad. You'll be pleased to know that I also wrote the Blue Danny Waltz. And what about Johann Strauss? Yes, I wrote that as well. But enough of me. And believe me, there is enough of me. Listen now to the tale of the lost colony. It was the spring of 19 cred, not hundred and thules. The place the Karl Marx room at the Athenaeum Club in Commercial Road. Inside were gathered important men, men of letters. Letters like Dear sir, my daughter tells me. In one corner of a room surrounded by a friend was Sir Neddy Sigun, Master at Arms, Doctor of Legs and Steph Newington, Twit. They are listening to the wireless set. You have just heard the Right Honorable R.A. butler on the financial prospects for the coming year. Well, well, well, well. As I was saying, Citizen Bernard, why not throw an off pitchy head? Why did you say that? I haven't the slightest idea. I see. Do you always make rash statements? Only to people with rashes. The woods are full of them, you know. Full of what? Trees. The woods are full of trees. Well, I. I think I'll nip down to the stock exchange and buy a few thousand shares in plastic and twill dustbins. All right. You buying these magnificent simulation chairs, Sigourn? But what about the Empire and. Yes, Lord Nees? Pardon me, sir, I couldn't help overhearing what you said. Why not? You're so blasted noisy. Steady, flunky. Who are you? My card. My card. A Scotsman, eh? Oh, God. I see. Yes. Mr. Hercules grit pipe thin. Professional patriot. Reasonable fees. Will travel anywhere. Own Union Jack. Vacant for pantomime. I can help you gentlemen reclaim portions of the Empire. Whitechapel. Yes, even that. But gentlemen of the Athenaeum Club, we shall need funds. Money. The cowards. They've all run away. I stayed. Good job you grabbed me. Good man. Now, Lord Sigourn, I've been told that you have certain monies. Money. Me? Rubbish. Empty your pockets. You're right. It is rubbish. One piece of brown strip string, 11 pence in notes, Mickey Mouse watch, remains of small boiled chicken, life size statue of Sabrina. And a key. There's the key to my uncle's safe. Safe. Moriarty? Yes, yes. Wax impression. Wait. Who is this steaming French wreck? Have you never heard of the Champs Elysie? Yes. Why? My mother. Better known to you as Montmartre. You insult me. We must fight a duel. Take this pistol. I warn you, I never miss. Nor I. One shot. Moriarty they call me. Now, back to back, three faces. And then we fire. Mat you. Shall we reload? Thank you. They wish to know that no, Guy. Accept your apology. Are you still interested in the Empire, Neddy? Gad, yes. I'd give anything to see the Union Jack flying over Grosvenor Square. Piloted by an Englishman. Of course. Neddy, Let me tell you a tale. In 1626, a Dutchman bought the land on which New York now stands from a Red Indian for a few paltry trinkets. What were they? A piece of brown string, 11 pence in notes, a Mickey Mouse watch, remains of a small boy chicken and a life size statue of Sabrina. The very things I had in my pocket. Yes, yes. It means, Neddy, that you are a direct descendant of the Red Indian who sold the land. What? You mean my ancestors owned New York? Yes. Yes, indeed, yes. And you know what New York is worth today? $40,000 million dollars. Correct? How did you know? Just a shot in the dark. 40,000 million billion dollars. That money must be worth a fortune. Well, to think they sold all that for a piece of brown string, 11 pence in notes, a Mickey Mouse watch, remains of a small boiled chicken. Yes, yes. But what you don't know is that the man who bought New York in 1626 has since died. No. Yes. Yes. And furthermore, Neddy, he died without any heirs. Dead. Well said. Yes, he was, wasn't it, Neddy? And this is most significant. It has been discovered that the sale of New York was illegal. Ted. There, I said it. Well, Again. It all means, of course, that New York really belongs to you. Me? Then. Then I must be a Red Indian. That's it, Neddy. I'll prove it to you. Put your finger in your cake hole and wobble it about there. You speak the language fluently? Yes. No swearing yet. Now, what next? Well, you must dress like an Indian. Take off those Welsh goat skins and wash the woad off. Yes, all right. Oh, there it is. The old tennis bed. Can't I say this is fun. There. Down to me birthday suit. No man can look like that and live right. Now, stick this feather behind your ear and put on this Indian loin cloth. Ooh. Come on. Who's the joker who put a thistle in it? Tell me, little Neddy, can you paddle a zinc bathtub like a native? Good. You are going to make the cheapest Atlantic crossing to America ever. Not before I've heard Max Galray play his leather ear rack and Graphite Dog Beard SA. That was Mr. Max Geldray. Mr. Geldray is always well supplied with work by his agents. In fact, his bank balance now stands at 480lbs in bright red letters. Now we return you to the story the Lost Colony. Yes, I paddled my zinc bath towards my rightful heritage. After a mere 13 months, I entered the harbor of New York and pulled into the quay. I was given an ovation. I still have it on my mantelpiece to this day. What Neddy didn't know was an American company, the makers of filth muck, the detergent with the lead bottles, had offered a prize of $20 to the first idiot to cross the Atlantic in a zinc bath dressed as a red Indian. As I lay in hospital, recovering from my trip, the phone rang in American. Hello, Gritpipe. Yes, but how did you know it was me before I spoke? Well, you're so tall. So I am. But you too can be tall, Neddy. Buy my book. How to be 3 inches taller. Then what? Stand on it. Never mind those subtle jokes. What about New York? Eh? When do I get it? When do I. Eh, Eh? Eh? My heritage. When do I get it? Yes, well, you see, there's been a bit of a brouhaha. Neddy. What? What, What, What? What? What? What? What, What, What, What, what, what, what? Well, America, it appears, won't give up New York to anybody without a legal tussle. But I haven't got a legal tussle. My folks were poor. Never mind, Neddy. The woods are full of them. But first I must get you an astute lawyer anyway. Meantime, you Must disguise yourself as a beaver. Swim cautiously up the Hudson at all times. Keeping in touch by, I struck out with my powerful trudgeon stroke. By dawn of the needle, noddle knew I had reached the Indian reservation of standing room only. Minne. Ha ha. Little bull, Big bull, Hiawatha and other Indian. Are you really a red Indian? Yes. Yes. Are you really a red Indian? Yes, I. Yes, I. I am. Yes. Then why does the red keep coming off your skin? I'm anemic, that's why. Now, grid pipe tells me you want an Indian birth certificate. I do. I do. Now let's commence the mystical initiation ceremony. Chief Trebleit me here you call needle Nidal New start playing the ancient tum tum. Right. Hey, that's not a tum tum. That's a piper. Yes, that Tomtom, the piper's son. I don't wish to know that. Now play that tom Tom, or I'll cancel your booking with Geraldo. Tonight I play Cor blime. Ah. Oh, brave sigun. Step forward for the mystical initiation ceremony. Now place $100 in the palm of your hand. Perio sutra bajo redujeron susoras ponderia calificar para los beneficios del segro de desemplo de Oregon. Es gratis applicar sin costos nitarifas paroptender beneficios y los servicios de interpretacion Estandis ponibles presentar su solicitud es fazgil. Llame al uno ocho, siete, siete, tres cuatro, cinco tres cuatro, ocho, cuatro uno ocho, siete, siete tres cuatro, cinco, tres cuatro, ocho, cuatro. Para recivira Yuda encual quier sutra bajo redujeron susoras presente su solicitud. Oy mismo con del departamento de emplude Oregon. Es gratis vasil y servicios de interpretacion dis ponivles. Llame al uno ocho, siete, siete. Tres cuatro, cinco, tres cuatro, ocho, cuatro. Good. Now say after me, this is your hundred dollars. This is your hundred dollars. Ah, the o. Oh, Jewish piano. Now give me your wallet, will you? Thank you. Look out. Blood knocked man the poly. What up? Oh, it was a sad sight to see the noble red chief running away from the horrors of the white man. But nevertheless, before he had gone, he had made me a full blooded half Breed Welsh Red Indian. I was now ready to claim New York. Silence in Court. The 24th call to the Brooklyn district of Manhattan is now in session. The Kaiser Chief Ned Goon versus the United States of America. And I like tent that one day Schnorr gets thrown out on his ear. And now the court will rise. Judge for yourself. Presiding. Gentlemen, be seated. Now is the council for Chief Ned Seger ready? Yes. We're coming, buddy, we're coming. Come on, hurry up then. I've got a robbery to do at three. We had to get the documents. You know we must have the documents. You know the documents have got to be got. Yes. Bravo, Henry, bravo. Mint. You did bring them in, didn't you? But the document. You've got to have the document. You've got to get them. You've got to get the documents. This then was a great legal team. Banishment and cron who were to defend my claim. They were said to be the finest lawyers in Rockall. Chief Sean. Now what is this case all about? I'm a reading in from Wales for the pre legacy. And New York belongs to me. And we are supposed to be defending you. Aye, aye, you're on. Up. We plead guilty but insane. I'm not insane. I'm not talking about you. I'm pleading guilty for insane. I repeat, we plead insanity. I object. Why? That's my excuse. Who are you? I'm the famous Echo. Oh, stop all this highfalutin talking of corblimy. Chief Seagoon. State what you are claiming. I claim that New York belongs to me. Yeah, New York belongs to you, man. I sentence you to be deported or America will leave the country. God bless you. And to make it worse, I'm gonna sing. I have just bought a big fine automobile. Pretty as it can be. I'm looking for a slim fine handsome girl. To take a little ride with me. Cause I love to ride. It knocks me out. With a girl that knows what it's all about. I love to ride ride all night long in my big fine automobile. Now if some pretty girl wants to ride with me. Oh come on honey, get in. If you don't want to ride like I like to ride. Get out and let's be friends. Cause I love to ride. Yes, it knocks me out. With a girl that knows what it's all about. I love to ride, ride all night long in my big fine automobile. I'm 45. 50, 55. Look at this fox girl. That's a nice ride. That's nice. 75. Ride, ride, ride. 85. Wow. I could do this all day. Look out, there's a roundabout. Slow down. I've driven in the city and the country too. On big fine avenues. If the girl I'm with knows how to ride. Then any old crate will do. Cause I love to ride. It knocks me out with a girl that knows what it's all about. I love to ride. Ride all night long on my big fine automobile. Listen. I love to ride. It knocks me out With a girl that knows what it's all about. I love to ride. Ride all night long in my bed. In my brand new. In my big V automobile. Yes. Anymore for the style. That night in my cell I sat depressed. For three years I sat in darkness. I kept my eyes closed. But by tapping on the water pipes I managed to converse with another prison. In time we got quite friendly and had some quite chatty conversations. For three years he and I communicated by tapping on the water pole. It was all very silly, really. We were both in the same cell. So in time I was paroled. My first thoughts were of revenge against America. I'd blow it up. If only I had a brave friend. I will be your brave friend. My cap into blue bottle making sign to audience for applause. I like to learn some more signs like that little clever finger manipulator. Let me tell you who I am. Yeah. I'm great Red Indian chief Ned Seagoon. What? Red Indian. Bang bang your day. I am some Indian scout of the plains and prairies. Blinbuttle benjvenge your day. But now rousing on the ground. It's all up with you. Red chief devil. I am the fearless, lionhearted bling bottle. Brave killer of Indians. There's a caterpillar crawling on my neck. Don't worry, I'll get David Attenborough to take it away. Now, now, Little East Finishley cardboard wreck. Thank you. Help me blow up New York and this quarter of dolly mixture is yours. Oh, well, darling mixture. Where you hidden ging ding with those types Sweets? My teacher, Ms. Gringe would keep me in out of school. They think that would be a good game. Blue bottle. Blue bottle. Stop those naughty things. Give me back those sweets. Now where did you say this, Ms. Gring? I will not tell you where Ms. Cringe is. You shall not harm her hare and her head. Why not? She's bold ham lad. Enough of this. New York is to be blown up. I'll go and get a pump with dynamite lad. Oh, here we go again. I'm right now to do it alone. Oh, if Only there was another idiot. Close the door. They close the window. Close the door. They're coming up the stairs. Close the roof. They're coming through the ceiling. Those are everywhere. Help Blue Bottle with this dynamite. Okay, I'll get it onto his back. No, I must not carry that. I'm the superior type. Brains, I have got. You carry it. You're less clever than me. Oh, no, I ain't. I'm clever. I got it up here. All right, then we will have a great taste of Brains. Whoever leaves these carries a box of dynamite. Fine, fine, fine. We'll see who's clever. We'll see who carries a box. Go on then, give me a tricky question. All right, Dana Bell, what is your tricky one? What is one plus one that's got the box on my back? Hey, wait. Wait a minute. You haven't answered a question from me yet. Give me one. My great brain is pounding. This will get him books. Now then, what's the name of the prime minister? Lodger, It's a good job for you. You knew. That's the. All right, man, enough of this intellectual sparring. Now, take this dynamite down to the New York sewers and at midnight set it off. Yes, follow me. At five to midnight I lay in my penthouse. Five minutes more and I. The red man will have revenged himself. Calm down, Neddy. Nothing to worry about. Your records are selling well. Yes, the woods are full of them. Good. Pipe. What is the plan for this dolly? Simple, Moriarty. The moment he blows up New York, we take him to the police and get the reward for handing in a fair arm. Hello? Hello, Chief Segun. Good. British Consul Washington here. How do you know, Mr. Washington? Oh, fine, Jim, fine, fine. Thank you very much, Jim. Now, on the point of law, the United States government have discovered that you were right and that New York is yours. Therefore, they have decided to give it to you. What? I'm rich. Rich. I'm rich. No, no. Wait, wait. Hello. Get me Blue Bottles. Blue Bottles. Blue Bottles. Don't light the fuels on them. Listeners will be relieved to learn that what they are hearing is not really New York being blown up. It is a recording specially made to simulate the sound of New York being blown up. For this, a life size replica of New York was built at Wanstead and blown up. And all this just for one pound a year. A laugh. New York all destroyed. Wait. What is this little blackened twig lying prostrate in the gutter? I'll pick it up. Rub me. Daniel Redding Square Diggity. Pardon me, I'm shattered. And my beautiful cowboy sailor has his old sins. Rest in pieces, little nurse. Your lot is better than mine. I who have willfully destroyed New York, New York worth. Let me see. I've got it here on a piece of paper. $4,003,008,964.16. Now look at it. A blackened ruin Me by me by wasteland. Go blame you a red Indian. What'll he give me for it? $10? $50? No, me give you. And I quote, early part of show. A piece of string, 11 pence in notes. A Mickey Mouse box and bar chicken. That was the Doom Show. A BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Seacombe and Spike Billigan. With the Railinger Quartet and Max Galray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Billigan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Peter Eaton.