Henry Morgan Show 1942.xx.xx Dog Horoscopes

Summary

Podcast Summary: Henry Morgan Show 1942.xx.xx – Dog Horoscopes

Podcast: Harold’s Old Time Radio

Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio

Air Date: January 12, 2026 (Episode from 1942)

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Overview

This episode features a classic broadcast of The Henry Morgan Show from radio’s golden era, with its signature mix of satire, surreal comedy, and mocking takes on popular culture. The main theme of the episode revolves around the absurdity of pet horoscopes—particularly dogs—and quickly unspools into playful sketches lampooning radio serials, advertisements, and showbiz society. Henry Morgan’s alter ego “Sam” delivers witty observations, sharp parodies, and tongue-in-cheek social commentary, all in the irreverent tone that made him a favorite among radio fans.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Satire on Dog Horoscopes

• Premise: The broadcast opens with Sam riffing on the ridiculous trend of reading dog horoscopes for a fee.

  • He jokes about opening a rival business reading dogs’ paws—cheaper and just as ludicrous.
  • “If you’re one of those poor forgotten little people who never heard this delightful program before, you probably have forgotten that last night we came across a guy who reads dog horoscopes for a dollar.” (Sam, 01:03)
  • Lampoons the notion by imagining new services: dog character analysis, religious instruction, poker lessons.

• Social Satire:

  • Pokes fun at people who overindulge their pets—fancy dog cemeteries, custom diets, even the idea of canine psychoanalysis.

• Memorable line:

  • “Then those dogs who eat three kinds of red heart dog food so they won't become bored or look forward to Friday.” (Sam, 02:41)

2. Parody of Popular Radio Tropes

• Radio Serial Spoof:

  • Satirically introduces a new serial, “Violet Ray,” poking fun at melodramatic soap operas.
    • “The true to life story of a woman’s fight to be allowed to meddle in other people’s business so that the story can go on forever.” (Sam, 04:11)
  • Over-the-top list of plot developments: multiple marriages and divorces, murder, courtroom drama, crooked professionals, etc.

• Ad Satire:

  • Mock advertisement for “Three Bell Cigarettes,” with absurd claims about their width, length, and how the shape “fills up more of your mouth longitudinally.”
    • “There’s no more tobacco in these cigarettes, but we just made them flatter... the match is light lengthwise.” (Sam, 05:44)

3. Variety Skit: Song Parody

• Musical Interlude:
  • Supporting performers parody the “Ten Little Indians” song with surreal lyrics about an “Asianist Lingaroo nation” on a Wyoming reservation. (08:29 - 08:57)
  • Light, playful break from monologue.

4. Society Parody and Movie Review

• Celebrity Encounters:

  • Sam mocks his own social standing at an elite party, where nobody notices him despite being surrounded by stars like Tommy Dorsey and Victor Mature.
  • “Well, since they don’t see me, it was sort of a little lonesome.” (Sam, 09:03)

• Film Satire:

  • Reviews Citizen Kane, humorously focusing on Orson Welles’ multiple roles.
  • “It has five kinds of Orson Welles in it… Orson as a child. Orson as a young man. Orson running for governor. Orson making speeches. Orson in love with himself.” (Sam, 09:38)
  • Ties it to personal anecdote about his father, blending self-deprecation with cultural commentary.

5. Meta Radio and Closing Bits

• Quitting Radio Joke:

  • Announces a mock farewell, highlighting the thanklessness of radio work and his own dissatisfaction.
  • “This brings me to the time when I got good and tired of doing radio programs for little money and for people who didn’t care about anything but Fred Allen.” (Sam, 10:54)

• Weather Mockery:

  • Parodies the formality of radio sign-offs, making a joke weather forecast: “Scotch Mist followed by a representative of Rogers Pete and Company.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Dog Horoscopes:

  “I’ll read your dog’s paws for 50 cents. I’ll tell him stuff like his head rules his heart and so forth. Tell him that I can see his lifeline ends right in front of an automobile…”
  Sam, (01:39)

• On Overindulgence in Pets:

  “People bury dogs in swanky cemeteries and they build them stones and monuments, and dogs are taught how to count and spell. People say they have souls.”
  Sam, (01:59)

• Radio Satire:

  “Her chief trouble being that she’s always a bride and never a bridesmaid. She’s been married seven times and she’s worth $84.”
  Sam, (05:08)

• Cigarette Ad Parody:

  “Three Bell cigarettes are the result of having nine architects work for four months to perfect their Ultra modern design. On land, in the air, and on the sea, you will find people, airplanes and fish respectively.”
  Sam, (06:25)

• On Hollywood and Citizen Kane:

  “They say it has something to do with Hearst, but I don’t think so. I think it’s about Orson… Orson in love with himself. Directed by Orson, Produced by Orson, written by Orson and another guy…”
  Sam, (09:49)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:03] – Satire on dog horoscopes begins
• [04:07] – Introduction and sendup of “Violet Ray” radio serial
• [05:37] – Mock advertisement for Three Bell Cigarettes
• [08:29] – Musical parody: “Ten Little Indians”
• [09:03] – Social life and celebrity satire
• [09:38] – Citizen Kane review
• [10:54] – Sam’s mock resignation from radio
• [11:23] – Absurd weather forecast and show sign-off

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Tone & Style

With a sharp, dry humor and playful irreverence, the episode crafts a sendup of mid-century American pop culture, commercialism, and radio’s penchant for melodrama. Morgan (as Sam) freely blends satire, parody, and self-deprecation, delivering laugh-out-loud moments while affectionately lampooning the media conventions of his day.

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Recommended for listeners who enjoy:

• Vintage radio comedy
• Satirical takes on consumer culture
• Quick, clever wordplay
• Nostalgic glimpses into the humor of the 1940s

Transcript

[Narrator/Announcer]

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[Sam (Comedian/Radio Personality)]

Just leave that one on a while so the kids know how well off they are today. Listen as Sam Life matches under those hot legs. Is that the Edwin Show? I wish I were on it, but couldn't be. I'm brooding. I'm still brooding about that business of reading a dog's horoscope. If you're one of those poor forgotten little people who never heard this delightful program before, you probably have forgotten that last night we came across a guy who reads dog horoscopes for a dollar. Apparently a legitimate type guy. I figure out that a lot of silly people will go for that nonsense. So I'm setting myself up in a small business of my own. I'll read your dog's paws for 50 cents. I'll tell him stuff like his head rules his heart and so forth. Tell him that I can see his lifeline ends right in front of an automobile. I'll give him a character analysis too, if he has any. And if I discover that dogs can be psychoanalyzed, I've got a wonderful idea for a new Broadway show. If he can be psychoanalytic, we'll call it Doggy in the Dark. This is quite a sensational joke in there. If I took time out. This isn't far fetched, though. People bury dogs in swanky cemeteries and they build them stones and monuments, and dogs are taught how to count and spell. People say they have souls. You send your dog to me. I'll finish his education. I'll get him religion. Then those dogs who Eat three kinds of red heart dog food so they won't become bored or look forward to Friday. People send their dogs to the store. Why not teach them to play poker with you then? I know people who claim that dogs talk to each other in dog talk. I hear it on children's program. They talk about dogs talking. Well, does a French poodle speak French dog talk?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Does a.

[Sam (Comedian/Radio Personality)]

Does an Irish terrier have a brogue? I'm just asking. I'm not raising an issue. I've seen dogs in vaudeville that can tumble and balance themselves in one paw stuff. I've got a new act. I'm teaching my dog to ice skate. I have another one that does card tricks. Oh, shut up, Sam. Will you stop that clowning? What happened? We won't mislead you. That ain't costellanis. Go on with it. I suppose that ain't, but this is. Is that all? Are you through? Okay, this brings us to our cereal. I'm glad you're finished, Sam, because now I can present my new cereal which we're just reviving because now I can sing a theme song for it. Haven't written a theme song, but it goes something like. A life is thrilling, A life divine. As that goes something like that. His new serial is entitled Violet Ray. The true to life story of a woman's fight to be allowed to meddle in other people's business so that the story can go on forever. What a serial this is, folks. Why, in the first two weeks alone there are three marriages, two divorces, one baby, a murder, a courtroom trial, a crooked doctor that's crooked in there, a crooked doctor, a scheming lawyer, two funny detectives, a rich uncle, and through it all, one woman's fight will be allowed to meddle in other people's business so that the story can go on forever. This brand new series is sponsored by the makers of three Bell cigarettes. The cigarette that is 30% wider so you can get a grip on it. Now originally we made these three Bell cigarettes 20% longer so that the smoke would travel further and be cooler. But we found that as soon as you'd smoked off that extra length, everything was just as hot as before. So now we present three bell. They're 30% wider cigarette. Of course, there's no more tobacco in these cigarettes, but we just made them flatter. But they fill up more of your mouth longitudinally. We have special matches to go with them. The match is light lengthwise. Three Bell cigarettes are the result of having nine architects work for four months to perfect their Ultra modern design. On land, in the air and on the sea, you will find people, airplanes and fish respectively. And now, Violet Ray. The soul sealing drama of one woman against everything. Her chief trouble being that she's always a bride and never a bridesmaid. She's been married seven times and she's worth $84. That's what's left from her first husband's insurance which took care of her and the next five husbands for a while. Her present spouse is in Chicago, Illinois. He's writing radio serials. He lives in a room that's been cork lined and keg lined to retain his natural corn flavor. As our scene opens today, the curtain catches on something after going up only a foot and we can only see the actor's feet, the brown shoes. Turn left and say something to the high heeled pumps. Can't hear any of the dialogue at all. Tune in tomorrow. Maybe we fix correct curtain. Tune in right now and hear transcription. Sam, look, I don't mind when you torture listeners, but include me out. Can you play something else? If that's what radio needs. Boy, I'm surprised.

[Supporting Performer/Chorus]

In Wyoming there is a reservation. There is an Asianist Lingaroo nation on this wacky reservation. All the brains there are trucking on down the walk. They threw away their time. A hawk. One little, two little, three little Indians four little, five little, six little Indians seven, eight, nine, ten little Indians swing.

[Sam (Comedian/Radio Personality)]

Little Indians swing Look, if they can't keep, they can't keep track of their own lyrics. We're not just gonna put up with it anymore. Did you know that I'm a big shot around town now? Oh, yes. This Morgan's important here in the city. Last night Tommy Dorsey opened at the Astor Roof and I was there. Oh, yes. I saw Fred Waring and Victor Mature and Nick Kenny and. Well, since they don't see me, it was sort of a little lonesome. And you know, by special. I know Dorsey, though. By special request of my girl, Dorsey opened his radio program with I. I'm getting sentimental over. You made me look like Big Time. Made my girl feel awfully good. My boss was there too. He bought us lemonades. And we had our picture taken in some kind of a group photo. It'll be in the Wenatchee Home News next Friday. We saw Citizen Kane last night too. Moving picture. Fine picture. Has five kinds of Orson Welles in it. Strawberry, chocolate, lemon, Don Wilson. They say it has something to do with Hearst, but I don't think so. I think it's about Orson. Orson as a child. Orson As a young man. Orson running for governor. Orson making speeches. Orson in love with himself. Directed by Orson, Produced by Orson, written by Orson and another guy. The only thing he couldn't figure out was how to be in the picture and do the photography too. So they had Greg Tolum do it. Kidding. On the level though. The biggest kick I got out of the whole thing was thinking how silly Hollywood must be. Does Hollywood take this show, Sam? I'll soft pedal the rest of it. But no kid, they must feel awful after the terrific razzing they gave that guy. They must feel the way I do when I get my paycheck. It sudden bump in the head. It so happens, wise guy, it's a great picture. You know, I never said that before about anything. Even my father liked it. And he hasn't liked the picture since the Great Train Robbery. By the way, my father sells insurance. Anybody care? Sells a very good brand of insurance. It'll last you a lifetime. That's your lifetime if you want me to explain these things. This brings me to the time when I got good and tired of doing radio programs for little money and for people who didn't care about anything but Fred Allen. So the next scene is the one in which I lock the door and turn on all the gas jets while Sam turns a theme on.

[Narrator/Announcer]

One of these.

[Sam (Comedian/Radio Personality)]

He's going to turn that theme on on cue and I quit radio forever. Morgan will be on the same corner in front of the cigar store tomorrow night the same time the weather forecast Scotch Mist followed by a representative of Rogers Pete and Company. I'll have to explain that they Rogers Pete has a fabric they call Scotch Mist out of which they make overcoats for men. Well, what about it? Well, nothing about it, but I made a weather for it. Well, so what?

[Narrator/Announcer]

It's.

[Sam (Comedian/Radio Personality)]

Well, no, I don't. Well, don't bother me. This is the Mutual Broadcasting System, KGB.

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