Its A Fair Cop 1961.xx.xx Featuring Eric Sykes

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "It's a Fair Cop" (1961) — Featuring Eric Sykes

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harolds Old Time Radio
Episode Date: November 15, 2025 (featuring 1961 radio broadcast)
Featured Cast: Eric Sykes, Hattie Jacques, Derek Guyler, Dick Emery, Leonard Williams
Format: Classic British radio comedy

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Episode Overview

This episode features a full-length broadcast of "It's a Fair Cop," a comedic radio play from 1961 starring Eric Sykes. The story follows a bumbling group of police officers as they stake out a boarding house across from a bank, expecting a major robbery. The plot unfolds with classic misunderstandings, witty banter, eccentric characters, and the farcical unraveling of their plans. Listeners are transported to the golden age of radio comedy, filled with British humor, running gags, and an ensemble of quirky personalities.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Undercover Operation in a Boarding House

[00:58–07:23]

• The police, led by Sykes, take rooms in a boarding house opposite a bank to maintain surveillance, based on a tip about an impending bank robbery.
• The team tries (and fails) to charm their way past the tough and suspicious landlady, Mrs. Pike.
• Misunderstandings abound: they pretend to be "theatricals" to justify renting the room, inventing stage personas on the spot.

Notable Quote:

"Oh, don't you worry about that. I'll do it with the old posh chat... turn on the charm, flush me teeth a bit." — Sykes (Eric Sykes), [01:37]

2. Comic Relief and Eccentric Landlady

[03:39–04:18]

• Mrs. Pike lays ground rules: no cooking, no musical instruments, no animals, nor visitors after 6 pm.
• Sykes’ team tries to break the tension with jokes, nearly getting thrown out in the process.

Memorable Moment:

"One more and you're out. Right. I'll leave you to settle in. If there's anything you want, get it yourself." — Mrs. Pike, [04:02]

3. The Dull Reality of Stakeouts

[07:23–10:52]

• The stakeout proves boring: they misidentify innocuous bank visitors, count wallpaper stripes, and observe mundane neighborhood quarrels.
• Boredom leads to comic existential conversations and harmless bickering about brain activity and famous mathematicians.

Notable Quote:

“My brain’s too active. I feel like Euripides. Eureka, he cried!” — Sykes, [07:29]

4. Inane Banter & Roommate Riffs

[11:31–14:01]

• Characters tease sleeping Pringle, compare him to film actors, and struggle to remember names — riffing on pop culture confusion.

Memorable Exchange:

"Don't you think Pringle looks like Eric Blower?" — Sykes, [13:41]
"No." — Colleague, [13:41]

5. The Show-Within-the-Show—Entertaining the Landlady

[15:33–17:56]

• Mrs. Pike demands free tickets to the (fictitious) theatrical show. The officers, in character as "singing jugglers," perform a slapdash act to appease her and her husband, Spotty.

Notable Quote:

“To begin presenting Sarge, my brother in something new in juggling…” — (improvised act), [17:10]
“Well, that’s something new in juggling, isn’t it? Most of the others catch them…” — Sykes, [17:30]

6. Passing Time & Absurd Games

[18:10–19:20]

• The group plays a game of "20 Questions" full of silly logic and cheating accusations, further highlighting their idleness and camaraderie.
• Yearnings for television underline the era ("I wish we had the telly... What's on tonight?").

7. False Alarms and the Red Herring

[19:20–21:20]

• Suspense rises with sighting of “suspicious people” in the street—only for it to be one of the officer’s wives bringing food (Hattie).

Notable Quote:

"Go on. Tell every bank robber in the district we’re up here..." — Sykes, [19:55]

8. Smuggled Food and British Wit

[21:06–22:29]

• The men improvise to sneak Hattie’s home-cooked food into the house via a rope out the window due to the landlady’s strict rules.

Memorable Moment:

"Lower away... pull it up... You might have given me time to let go of the basket." — (Basket incident), [21:06–21:20]

9. Gossip & Shattered Dreams of Riches

[22:29–24:38]

• Hattie shares news of her cousin Albert’s big win in the pools (lottery). Hopes of inheritance or windfall quickly fizzle when it’s clear they aren’t beneficiaries.

10. The Actual 'Bank Tip' Revealed

[25:07–29:31]

• A neighbor's sighting of someone creeping behind the bank launches the group into action, only for it to devolve into a surreal conversation with a random, confused local.
• The stakeout ends in anticlimax: it turns out the overheard “tip” was about snooker (Charlie Banks being the favorite) not a bank raid after all.

Notable Closing Exchange:

"Now tell us exactly word for word what this fellow in the billiard all said." — Sykes, [29:04]
"He said, 'Banks is favourite. I'm going to clean up a lot of money tonight, you great steaming o.'" — Pringle, [29:16]
"Why, he meant Charlie Banks. He was favourite in the snooker final last night." — Sykes, [29:27]

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Memorable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• “I think you mean chicken dinner, bro.” — [00:06] (comic ad, not part of core narrative)
• “Yes, it’s right opposite, isn’t it?” — [01:18]
• “We’re only here five minutes and they’re at it already... somebody going into the bank now.” — [06:56]
• “Why, there’s mustard and crust growing on the pillow.” — [04:52]
• “My brain’s too active... I feel like Euripides. Eureka, he cried!” — [07:29]
• “We’re jugglers. Jugglers. Singers?... Sort of singing jugglers.” — [17:02–17:09]
• “You’ve been listening to Eric Sykes, Hattie Jacques, Derek Guyler, Dick Emery and Leonard Williams...” — [29:53] (credits)

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Structurally Important Segments & Timestamps

• [00:58–03:36]: Opening setup — undercover police moving in.
• [03:39–04:18]: House rules & first brush with landlady.
• [06:22–07:34]: Organizing the stakeout and sighting first “suspect.”
• [10:18–11:34]: The wallpaper stripe debate.
• [15:33–17:56]: "Theatrical" performance for landlady.
• [19:20–21:20]: Food drop and the rope basket gag.
• [22:29–24:38]: Hattie’s lottery pool story.
• [25:07–29:31]: The stakeout’s conclusion and revelation of the misunderstanding.

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Summary Tone and Style

The tone is unmistakably British, full of dry wit, wordplay, and farce. The characters bounce off one another, delivering gags, wry observations, and slapstick solutions to trivial problems. The pacing is leisurely, echoing the quiet comedy of waiting for something big that never actually materializes. For fans of classic radio, it’s a textbook example of ensemble comedy, timelessly charming and delightfully daft.

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Recommended for:
Listeners who appreciate vintage humor, British comedy, and the gentle absurdities of everyday life, all conjured through expert radio performance.

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Transcript

[A]

Dude, this new bacon, egg and chicken.

[B]

Biscuit from AM PM Total winner.

[A]

Winner, chicken breakfast.

[B]

Chicken breakfast.

[C]

Come on.

[B]

I think you mean chicken dinner, bro. Nah, brother. Crispy bacon, fluffy eggs, juicy chicken and a buttery biscuit. That's the perfect breakfast. Alright, let me try it.

[C]

Mmm.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, totally. Winner, winner, chicken breakfast.

[C]

I'm gonna have to keep this right here.

[B]

Make sure every breakfast is a winner with the delicious new bacon, egg and chicken biscuit from AM PM AM P. M. Too much good stuff. Come on, it's your spare. Cops.

[A]

I'm your sergeant. Oh, dear.

[C]

We present Eric Sykes in It's A Fair Cop. A story of the relentless war against crime being fought even at this very.

[B]

Moment, by one of the humblest members.

[C]

Of our police forces. Oh, I think this should do very nicely, you know. Yes, it's right opposite, isn't it?

[B]

Mon reposse. Room and board vacancies. I don't like the look of it.

[C]

Oh, Sykes, it's ideal. It sits, it's right opposite, lad. From that window, we can keep the bank under surveillance day and night.

[A]

You want to be careful of the landlady here. I know her. Mrs.

[B]

Bright.

[A]

Her name is hard as nails.

[C]

Oh, don't you worry about that. I'll do it with the old posh chat. You know, turn on the charm, flush me teeth a bit. Oh, good morning, madam. Didn't give me time to flush me teeth.

[B]

Why don't you just push him through the letterbox?

[C]

That'll be quite enough of that, customer. Stick me for somebody else. I think I'll just explain to you what we're here for.

[B]

Oh, Mrs. Pete, I don't want no.

[D]

Vacuum cleaners, fruit, laces, polished brushes or Lucky White, either. And I can tell the difference between margarine and Batonour. I'll get spotty on you.

[A]

Let's go, Charge. We don't want the dog shit on us.

[B]

Poppy's not the dog. It's her husband.

[C]

Well, look, Sykes, we've got to get in here. It's the best vantage point in the street. I'll just tell her that we're members of the constabulary. Ah, Mrs. Pike, I'm afraid there's been some misunderstanding. You see, we are the police.

[D]

Police. I hate them. Loatham, you're not the police, are you?

[C]

Us? Oh, no, no, no.

[B]

We hate them.

[C]

Yes. Oh, yes, we're theatricals, aren't we?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Sarge.

[D]

Sarge.

[B]

Sarge. It's hard. He's. Sarge. He's Russian, you see. Sarge O'Reilly.

[D]

Don't sound very Russian to me.

[B]

Well.

[C]

Oh, well, I wouldn't. You see, that's my stage name, like, you know. I mean, if I was to tell you my real name, you wouldn't remember it. Don't remember it myself.

[D]

Well, what do you want then?

[C]

Well, we want the room. You see, madam, we're at the Iperdrone next week and.

[D]

Oh, well, you should have said. Come in.

[B]

Thank you, my good woman.

[D]

Theatricals, I. That's different. If you was anything else, I'd ask for a week's rent in advance.

[C]

Of course. Yes.

[D]

Seeing your theatricals, I want two weeks in advance.

[C]

Oh, yes, certainly. Of course. Yes.

[D]

Right. Come this way then.

[A]

I'll show you the room.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

Here we are then. It's a nice little room.

[C]

Very nice, yes.

[D]

I want you to treat it like it was your own home. No cooking in the room, no pets, no musical instruments, no vistas after six in the evening.

[B]

Oh, what a pity. I'll have to get rid of it now. What, my pet seal that plays the bagpipes?

[D]

What?

[B]

Just a little jocularity.

[D]

Oh, well, I like a joke as much as anybody. One more and you're out. Right. I'll leave you to settle in. If there's anything you want, get it yourself.

[A]

I warned you about her.

[C]

Well, never mind. Never mind. We're in now. That's all that matters. We can settle down here and keep observation to our heart's content.

[B]

We could do but for one thing.

[C]

What?

[B]

This rooms at the back of the house looks straight across the railway. Marvelous. It's a marvelous view from this window, Sarge. See Both sides of the bank.

[C]

Oh, good. Never seen so much fuss about changing a room in my life.

[A]

Smells a bit musky, doesn't it?

[B]

Oh, yeah. I think this bed is damp too. Why, there's mustard and crust growing on the pillow.

[A]

Yes, he's got some funny old pictures here. What's that one? Looks like her wedding group.

[B]

It isn't. Oh, it says Highland Cattle. It might be a wedding group. I hope that tip off you got was the real thing, Pringle. Don't fancy spending the night in this hole for nothing.

[A]

I tell you, those lads down in the billiard all know what's going on in the underworld. If they say the bank is going to be broken in two, it's going to be broken in two.

[B]

Well, all we can do is watch and wait then.

[C]

There's just one thing, Pringle. What were you doing in the billiard all at lunchtime, eh? I didn't let you out of your cell for such frivolities. You know I sent you downtown to put on a bet for me.

[A]

Well, there's gratitude for you. That's the last straw that gathered no moss. Well, I'm going back to my cell where I can be appreciated.

[C]

I'll honor be you there.

[A]

Oh, well, I appreciate me. Yeah.

[B]

I'm off bring you.

[C]

Come back.

[B]

Come on back. You can't go to that station on your own. It looks bad when people come in and find you in charge. Oh, yes, there's been one or two complaints about it.

[A]

Oh, all right then.

[C]

Well, now then, we better organize the watch. We must keep that place under surveillance every second of the time. All that psychs you first. I thought it would be the honey. Is the binoculars.

[B]

Oh, hey, a nice little pair, this. Whose are they?

[C]

Mine. Bargain they were too. Got them for sixpence in the theater in London. Put a tanner in the slot, you know. And there they were not.

[B]

Oh. Hey, Sergeant, wait for me.

[C]

I'm right here. Look through the other end, ma'.

[B]

Am. I thought you'd gone and left me.

[C]

Give them here. I'll take first watch then.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Now then. Good grief. Well, in luck.

[A]

What?

[C]

We're only here five minutes and they're at it already. Somebody going into the bank now.

[B]

Suspicious looking character.

[C]

Have a look.

[B]

That's the manager. It's opening time, is it?

[A]

Well, shall I nip down and get a couple of bottles of bank opening time?

[B]

Other things open besides pubs. Oh, well.

[A]

Well, I might as well get me head down for a bit, eh? Yes, all right.

[C]

You might as well get a bit of kip as well, I suppose.

[B]

I don't think I could, Serge. My brain's too active.

[C]

Too active, eh? That's typical of you, isn't it? Typical? In all the time I've known you, your brain's been like a hedgehog in winter. Now when I want you to. Kept it too active.

[B]

I can't help it, you know. I feel sort of with it lively. My old brain's going. I feel like Euripides. Eureka. He cried. I feel like he must have felt when he sat in his bath.

[C]

Wet.

[B]

He might have been wet, but he discovered that the square on the potty dish was equal to it. Not to mention the size of the triangle of the same distance. Oh, all right.

[C]

Don't go on, for goodness sake. Look, you take first watch, but stay awake.

[B]

Oh, I will, Sarge. My brain.

[C]

Yes, well, never mind the ticket to come out. Brain, get over to that window. Come on, Pringle.

[B]

Move over.

[C]

I want to sleep on this side.

[D]

Oh, what Poor.

[C]

Because Crest gives me hay fever.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Give me a shout in a couple of hours. Sykes, William.

[B]

Stay with it. Right. It's a good view from here. Why, you can see. Well with these binoculars. You'd think the brick factory was in the next street.

[C]

It is in the next street.

[B]

Oh. Oh, look at that old Lovey Marsh. A lovely little sparrow got a worm for his young. Oh, isn't he lovely? Here, boy.

[D]

Little sparrow.

[A]

Don't.

[D]

Percy.

[A]

Edward.

[D]

Shut up, will you?

[A]

Try to kick.

[B]

All right. I'm sorry. Fascinating things, these binoculars. Hello. So that's where she lives. Getting up late this morning.

[C]

Well, I never.

[B]

Well, fancy that. And her figure looks so real. Oh, she's drawn the curtains. Oh, well, there's nothing else about. Might as well look at the bank. Oh, dear. It's going to be a long, dull day. 6021-6022-6023-6024. 6025.

[C]

Sykes, what on earth are you doing, lad?

[B]

Well, you see this wallpaper? White with red stripes. Well, I've been counting the red stripes.

[C]

Oh, what are you on about? It. Look, lad, it's red with white stripes.

[B]

It's not. It is.

[C]

Have another look.

[B]

Well, I suppose if you half close your eyes and look at it sideways, it could be.

[C]

Well, of course it is.

[B]

Well, anyway, what's the difference? It'll still be the same number of stripes, won't it?

[C]

I suppose it will, really. How many were there?

[B]

2, 5, 6. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

[C]

Never mind. Never mind now. Anything happened outside?

[B]

Oh, yes. Oh, it's been a full morning. A little kid came and wrote on the wall. His mother, eating dog, ran across the road. The kid threw a stone at it. His mother hit him again. Then a bit of paper blew down the road. Then the pressure eased for a bit and there was a lull. Then after a bit, the mother hit the kid again. What for? Nothing as far as I could see. Suppose she just got bored with nothing happening, then you woke up.

[C]

Well, what about the bank?

[B]

The what?

[C]

The bank.

[B]

The bank.

[C]

The bank.

[D]

Oh, the bank.

[B]

Oh, no, nothing. Nothing at all.

[A]

Oh, I don't know.

[B]

Oh, lovely old spring, you're there. Sleeping like a baby.

[C]

A baby what?

[B]

Oh, no, he is Hodge. Look, his mouth's a little bit open, and when he breathes out, his bottom lip wobbles. Oh, look. Oh, lovely, isn't it?

[C]

In a revolting sort of way.

[D]

Oh, look.

[B]

Look. Now he's dribbling a bit.

[C]

Are those his own teeth?

[B]

Well, almost two more installments than there will be. Do you know, he reminds me of somebody lying there. Oh, you. You know that fella that used to be in pictures.

[C]

Which fella?

[B]

You know him. We was always turning up. Always played butlers.

[C]

Oh, I know you mean. Yes, he was in that thing. Oh, in that one with that. That fella that dances, you know.

[B]

Aye, that's him. Just a minute. That's him. I've got him.

[C]

Wait a minute.

[B]

He was the butler in that, wasn't he? Just a minute. No, that's a dancing fellow. That's the dancing fellow. But this was a bloke who was the butler. Oh, he has a very long, thin face.

[C]

Well, the one I'm thinking of over the round, fat face.

[B]

Oh, yes, but where were you sitting?

[C]

Wait a minute. Wasn't that the one that girl was in?

[B]

What girl?

[C]

Oh, you know, that girl that was always playing sort of dancing girls, you know.

[B]

There was a girl in this one. She wanted this fellow I'm on about to be a butler instead of his dancing fellows. Butler? Oh, I'll get it in a minute. Had a little hairline moustache.

[C]

Don't remember any actress with a hairline moustache.

[B]

Oh, no, the fellow who I think Pringle looks like had one. Oh, got it. I've got it. No, Eric Blower. Don't you think Pringle looks like Eric Blower?

[C]

No.

[B]

Well, it was a good film.

[C]

Oh, yes, I know. I mean, they don't make the kids like.

[B]

I'm sorry. S. Just a sec. There's something happening down there in the street.

[C]

Hey, what is it?

[B]

She's just hit the kid again.

[C]

Oh, S.

[B]

What time is it now, sarge?

[C]

It's quarter past three. They've just closed up over there. Still no sign of action, though.

[B]

I'm a bit peckish. I only had a water biscuit and some cold rhubarb for my breakfast, and that was last night.

[C]

Last night? Why do you have your breakfast at night, then?

[B]

Saves time. And I get up in the morning.

[C]

Oh, Sykes.

[B]

Oh, Pringle's still lost to the world there, isn't.

[C]

He's having a real good gipping on.

[B]

Oh, he's thoroughly enjoying it, isn't he?

[C]

He's reveling in it, isn't he?

[B]

Let's wake him up. Come on, come on, come on.

[C]

Come on, Pringle, you've kept long enough. We want you to nip down and get us some scoff.

[B]

All right?

[C]

O now, Go down to the Coronation cup, get a pot of tea and three chip booties. Right.

[B]

O. And while you're out, ring hat and tell her what we're on or Sal might be late.

[A]

Right, out. Shan't be logged.

[B]

Do you really think there will be a raid on the banks? Hearts.

[C]

Oh, I wouldn't be surprised. You know, sir, Pringles tips are usually pretty reliable.

[D]

Well, what.

[B]

What do we do when we see them?

[C]

Ah, well, now, that's a good question, Lud. Yes, I'm glad you asked that. Shows you're thinking. Thinking? Very good question. Huh?

[B]

Yeah, but what's the answer?

[C]

Yes, well, I was hoping you might have some ideas about that.

[B]

Come in.

[C]

Oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Pike. Something you wanted?

[D]

Yes, this is my husband's, Spotty.

[C]

Oh. It's what earns.

[D]

But he's very interested in drama and theatricals, aren't you? Yes, he is. And we was wondering if you had any free seats for your show.

[B]

Our show?

[C]

Show.

[B]

Oh, our show.

[D]

Yes, well, I know you artists always get free seats and that.

[C]

Ah, yes, well, now, I'm afraid that'll be impossible.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

Oh, that's the sort. You are a mean swine. I can feel mean. Close fit eyes. Criminal earlobes. You can see that, can't you, Fluffy? Yes, we can.

[B]

I'm sorry. It's not bad. It's just that we are so popular that when we're on the free list, it's entirely suspended.

[D]

Very likely. If you had any decency, you'd buy a couple of tickets for me and Spotty. After all we've done for you.

[C]

Well, I mean, what have you done for.

[D]

Oh, yes, very convenient. Have a short memory, isn't it? Oh, yes, that's very convenient. Well, we can easily do without the likes of you. We can let this room again, can't we, Spotty? Yes, we can. Come on, take your bag. Come on. Come on, get out.

[B]

No, Lauren.

[C]

Just A moment now, Mrs. Pike, please. I mean, if that's how you feel, we'll give you a turn.

[B]

I don't see why not. Gave us a temp.

[C]

Yes. Or quiet. Quiet.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

All right then, Mrs. Well, is that all right, Spotty?

[A]

Yes, that's all right.

[D]

He said, what do you do?

[C]

We're singing.

[B]

We're jugglers. Jugglers. Singers?

[C]

Yes. Sort of singing jugglers.

[B]

Yeah. Or alternately juggling singers.

[C]

Yes. Yeah.

[B]

To begin presenting, Sarge, my brother in something new in juggling.

[C]

Have no fear.

[B]

Well, that's something new in juggling, isn't it? Most of the others catch them and.

[C]

Now, in conclusion, the crooning fools in hits of the twenties. Two and in one. Oh, they've gone.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Psych. They're gone. You can stop.

[A]

And you say you're not animal, mineral or vegetable. And you're not abstract.

[B]

No.

[A]

Well, you got to be one of them.

[B]

No, I haven't. Now get on. We've got one more question.

[A]

All right. Are you? No. Are you?

[D]

No.

[A]

I've asked that. Are you Einstein's theory of relativity?

[B]

No.

[A]

What are you then?

[B]

I'm fed up with playing this silly blinking game.

[D]

Oh, that's cheating.

[A]

That is so well toppled.

[B]

What's the time?

[A]

I'm not telling you. You're a cheat.

[B]

Oh. Anything happening out there, Sarge?

[C]

No, it's all quiet. It's getting dark, though.

[B]

Oh, I wish we had the telly.

[C]

So do I. What's on tonight?

[B]

Oh, it's very good. Tonight on BBC, there's a Western.

[C]

Well, what's on the other?

[B]

Then there's a cowboy picture. Oh, then there's a film about Jesse James. And at the same time, BBC have got Wells Fargo. It's a very interesting evening. I wonder if Jim Hard is as fast on the draw as. What?

[C]

Look.

[B]

Eh? Over there.

[C]

Look, there's somebody moving.

[B]

Where?

[C]

Over in the shadows by the banner. Must be, oh, two or three of them.

[B]

Where? I can't see them.

[C]

No open yet. Eyes, Sykes. Look, man, there. Look, they're sticking together in a tight little group.

[A]

See?

[C]

Now they're all moving across the road together. Coming this way, Sergeant.

[B]

That's our Hattie. Hello, Hat. Here we are up here, Sykes. Get a big hut. The sergeant wants to say something.

[C]

Go on. Tell every bank robber in the district. We're up here, he said.

[A]

Would you tell every bank robbery, Ms. Sykes?

[B]

Oh, both up.

[C]

Shouting all over the neighborhood land.

[B]

Oh, well done, Hat.

[C]

What have you got, love?

[B]

Oh, lovely. Bring them up then. Oh, you mean for a treat now, Sarge. Oh, really, Hattie. Cooks the finest faggots in the Northern Union. Just like your mother used to make.

[C]

Oh, pity. Why, my mother was a terrible cook.

[A]

You got him for me?

[B]

Oh. Oh, talking to us now, are you, old matey? And friends, are we? Well, didn't want to know us when we won at 20. Questions. Now we got faggots. It's all cows together, isn't it? What's up, Hat? Why didn't you come up?

[D]

The landlady won't let me in. Why not? No female visitors after 6 o'.

[A]

Clock.

[B]

What about my faggot here?

[C]

Wait a minute. Socks. I've got an idea, lad. Look, tie these sheets together here, Hat.

[B]

We'Re going to lower a rope. Right. You tie.

[A]

Listen, Hat.

[B]

Very carefully. You tie the basket on the end. All right?

[A]

All right, here we are, then.

[B]

Lower away.

[C]

All right. Well, a bit more. Come on, a bit more. That's it. Right, fine.

[B]

But. Come on, Pringle, then land. Pull it up.

[C]

There we go now. Right, all the way.

[D]

You might have given me time to let go of the basket.

[A]

Hello, Hat.

[B]

Why, I thought your were a bit heavier than usual. All right. They smell good. E. Thank you, Pringle. Help yourself to chip. All right. All right.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

Right. Close the window, Pringle. There's a bit of a draft. Right. Oh, yes, I knew there was something. Let Hattie in, will you?

[D]

Thank you very much.

[B]

I'm sorry. Never mind. Have a faggot. Oh, they're all gone. Have a chip then. Oh, well, here's a bit of bread. Rub it round my plate.

[D]

No, thank you. Watching you three Charlottesville like incinerators is not to put anybody up there.

[A]

So.

[C]

Well, I'd just like to say, Hattie, that was very, very much appreciated last. Very enjoyable indeed. Do you smoke?

[D]

Well, yes, I do.

[C]

Give us a plug then, will you? Just to round it up.

[D]

Oh, really? Of all the school.

[A]

No.

[B]

Notice that. You know, he's not himself. Hat, none of us are being cooped up in this room all day.

[D]

Well, I haven't had such a wonderful day myself.

[B]

Oh, been a bit dull, has it?

[D]

Oh, that's the same as you usual, you know, routine. Only breaking the monotony. Was when that man called.

[B]

What man?

[D]

That man from Pettiglo Pools. Apart from him, the.

[B]

The man from where? Pettigre.

[C]

The pools.

[B]

The Pools, Hat.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Hear that? Hear that? The man from the po. Girls.

[D]

Heaven sake, calm down, all of you. It's only money.

[A]

Only.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

Go on.

[A]

Hut.

[B]

Go on.

[D]

It was very funny, your laugh when you hear.

[A]

Oh, yes, yes.

[D]

It's the sort of thing you never expect to happen to people like us. Oh, I don't know.

[B]

I've always had confidence.

[D]

Well, anyway, let me tell you. I invited him in and gave him a cup of tea and we had a lovely chat. Say, about the sh. Of the tea.

[B]

How much?

[D]

20,000. 20,000? Wait. Wait till you hear that.

[B]

This. There's more?

[D]

Yes, he got lost, you see. And when he told me the address he was looking for, it was your cousin Albert in Street Street. Well, what about that?

[C]

Cousin Albert?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

You mean cousin Albert's one printed. Yes, and we haven't?

[D]

No, of course not. Did you?

[C]

Oh, now, there, there. Sharks. Come on, Lud, come on. Come on, Lud, get it out of your system.

[B]

I wouldn't mind so much. We haven't talked to Cousin Albert since we had a row 10 years back. But we will.

[D]

Yes, I thought you'd think like that, Eric. So I sent him a birthday card.

[B]

Why is it his birthday?

[D]

Oh, I don't know. But I spent it just to play safe. And just to make sure, I sent him a Christmas card and Easter card and one for Sir Patrick's day as well.

[B]

Well, I suppose it's worth trying. Perhaps I should take in a bottle of St. Out down and congratulate him.

[C]

Well, he can't tonight.

[B]

L. Can you?

[C]

He's still on duty.

[D]

Not all night. Why?

[B]

Well, we've had a tip. The bank over the road's going to be raided and we've got to keep observation.

[D]

Well, it's funny you should say that.

[B]

Yes, yes, I suppose it is. What is?

[D]

Well, it's funny you should say that about the bank because when I came round that way I thought I saw somebody creeping about on the bomb site at the back. The bank couldn't see who it was, of course, but there certainly was somebody there.

[C]

The bombs are there. I suppose they might try and get in from the back and all. Sonics, go down and see who it is. This could be the break we've been waiting for.

[B]

Oh, it's dark down here now. There is somebody moving over there. If I creep around here I can. I'm going back.

[D]

Melody.

[B]

Oh, it's too late. Hello.

[A]

Hello there, minion of the law.

[B]

Could you oblige me with change of something? What did you want? A shilling and two sixpences would do. Well, I think I might be able to. Ah, just a minute. If I do that, I'm losing money.

[A]

Serves you right for gambling. Take my advice. I know all about racing. In my youth I used to ride Mick the Miller.

[B]

Mick the Miller was a greyhound.

[A]

Oh, that's why my legs kept dragging on my car. Oh yeah? Well, takes you back, doesn't it?

[B]

What does?

[A]

This return ticket.

[B]

Let's see. Uh huh. I doubt it, sir. This is a ticket for a horse bus.

[A]

Well, I'm glad I never won it. I've got no place to keep it. Well, I have enough trouble with my two budgery girls and the leopards.

[B]

You keep leopards?

[A]

I must. You see, they're too young to go out and work for themselves. But they'll have to Go. They keep eating my Charlie's.

[B]

Get the leopards?

[A]

No, the buttery guards.

[C]

A vicious little bee.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

Anyway, don't change the subject. What about this money you owe me?

[B]

I don't owe you any money.

[A]

Ah, trying to avoid the debt of honor, eh? You're a welsher, sir.

[B]

I am not. I was born and bred in these parts.

[D]

Really?

[A]

Really. Well, could you direct me to my house? I'm a stranger here.

[B]

Well, where do you live?

[A]

How should I know? I just told you, I'm a stranger here.

[B]

I'm afraid I can't help you.

[A]

Well, if you give me my money.

[D]

I'd get a taxi.

[B]

What's the good of a taxi if you don't know where you live? I should just say home. Yeah, but the taxi driver wouldn't know where home is. You mean to say it's lost as well?

[A]

Perhaps we should form a club.

[B]

The League of Lost Taxi Drivers. But you are not a taxi driver.

[A]

Aren't I? In that case, get out. I'm not driving any further. I'm going home. Awake for morning in the bowl of.

[D]

Night has flung the stones that puts.

[A]

The stars to flight.

[C]

Oh, Pringle, don't come here first thing in the morning with your dirty limericks.

[A]

Come on, wake up.

[B]

Anything happen?

[A]

No. I've been watching all the time. Not to shine anybody.

[D]

Nothing.

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

Prindle. Prindle, you're dozed off.

[B]

Why, just look at it. It's gone. The whole bank's gone. There's not a brick left standing.

[A]

You're looking out the wrong window.

[B]

What a fright. Well, a right time this has been, isn't it a right waste of it? You and your tips bring.

[A]

Well, I only said what I heard.

[C]

Yes, well, what exactly did you hear, hey?

[A]

Well, this. This fella sort of said.

[C]

Not sort of. Not sort of man, definitely. Now, tell us exactly word for word what this fellow in the billiard all said.

[A]

Well, wait a minute. He. He said Banks is favorite. I'm going to clean up a lot of money tonight, you great steaming o.

[C]

Why, he meant Charlie Banks. He was favorite in the snooker final last night.

[A]

Oh, well, I didn't know.

[B]

You've been listening to Eric Sykes, Hattie.

[C]

Jakes, Derek Geiler, Dick Emery and Leonard Williams.

[B]

The recorded program was produced in the north of England by Herbert Smith.