← Harold's Old Time Radio
Harold's Old Time Radio
Jack Benny 1943-11-21 The Awful Turkey Dream
00:29:31
Jack Benny 1943-11-21 The Awful Turkey Dream
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
A
Spin Quest Social Casino. It's Thanksgiving time. The turkey's hot and the family's loud. Instead of football, play a different game on your phone. Live dealer Blackjack, craps and slots. Play anytime, anywhere. Spinquest.com this Thanksgiving, gobble up a 30 coin pack for just $10. Come play today. Spinquest is a free to play Social Casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. The Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes program Starring Jack Benny. With Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day Rochester and yours truly, Don Wilson. For over 40 years, a favorite that spells Grape Nuts. Yes, sir. Back in the days when Sweet Rosie o' Grady was a favorite at the family harmonium, delicious, moldy, rich Grape Nuts were a favorite at the family breakfast table. And they still are. And there's a reason Grape Nuts have a distinctive sweet as a nut flavor that makes for real eating fun in the morning. A flavor that's a luscious two grain blend of sun ripened wheat and malted barley. And today you can enjoy that one delicious flavor in two delicious forms. Grape Nuts crisp, crunchy kernels and Grape Nuts Flakes. Delicate toasty brown flakes. And both Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes bring you essential whole grain nourishment, which makes them basic seven foods. One type of food Uncle Sam wants you to eat more of because they're nourishing, plentiful, not rationed. So treat your family to Maldi Rich Grape Nuts or Grape Nuts Flakes in the morning every morning. It's a mighty swell way to start off. Ladies and gentlemen. It's four days before Thanksgiving. And this year, as every year, Jack Benny will entertain his friends on the holiday. So yesterday, Jack and Mary went shopping and we pick them up now in a local market. Well, folks, what'll it be? I. I'm giving a Thanksgiving dinner and I'd like enough turkey for. Let's see, there's me, Mary, Phil, Alice, Dennis, Mr. Billingsley, Mark Hellinger, the Warner brothers and my laundry man. I'd like enough turkey for nine. Jack, didn't you invite Don Wilson? Oh. Oh, yes. Make that enough for 15. Is that. That'll do it. Oh, Jack, Don doesn't eat so much. He doesn't, eh? Remember last time I threw a big party? Yeah. Well, Don ate more than he chipped in for. Don't tell me. Look, folks, there are other people waiting, so let's get on with the transaction. Oh, yes, yes, of course. Now, here's a nice turkey, all dressed and everything. 55 cents. Well, I fully expected to pay that much? A pound? Yes, a pound. Hmm. That's right. And this turkey weighs 21 pounds. Hmm. And you'll need at least 21 pounds to feed 15 people. Hmm. 55 cents a pound. That's a pretty big turkey. And I don't want any leftover. How. How about that one over there? That's a pigeon. Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Well, then I'll. I'll take that other one. That live one right there. I'm sorry. I'm not selling my canary. A canary? Well, anyway, that wouldn't be enough for 15 people, would it? Not unless you just wanted to entertain. He's got his violin for that. Yeah. Gee, Mary, look at those turkeys laying there so cold and still. Just think, a few days ago they were happy, carefree and gay. And now. Now they're 55 cents a pound. I mean, now they're. They're dead. Say, butcher, how old were these turkeys when they were killed? Oh, about eight months. Hmm. Didn't even have a chance to know life. I feel terrible. You'd feel a lot worse if they were 70 cents a pound. I suppose so. But, Mary, when I see that turkey laying there like that, I can't help but think of its mother. How lonesome she must be. Don't worry, bud. That's her right next to her. Oh. Oh, I wish you'd hurry, mister. I've got all these people waiting. Pardon me. Oh, Tommy, will you please giving me a little service? Oh, it's Mrs. Greenberg. What can I do for you, Suzette? Go ahead, Butcher. You can wait on her. I'm trying to make up my mind between these two turkeys. I'll lay eight to five on the pigeon. Never mind. Tell me, Tommy, how much weighs by you? The turkeys? They weigh from 18 to 22 pounds. 22 pounds? You call this a turkey? Well, that's the average size. Listen, Tommy, last Thanksgiving I had a turkey that weighed 86 pounds. I weigh them on sale. 86 pounds? Yes. And on the other side of the card, it said you will meet a tall, dark man. £86. My, that must have been a humdinger. I'm not talking to you. Oh, pardon me, Mrs. Greenberg, how about taking two of these turkeys? How much? I'll bay 55 cents a pound. I'm not asking you. Oh. Oh, excuse me. All right, Tommy, give me this one here and I'll pick it up later. Goodbye. Goodbye, Mrs. Greenberg. Goodbye. All right. Goodbye, social climber. What? What? What's she mad at? Well, Jack, I guess that'll teach you to mind your own. I'm not. I'm not talking to you. Say, butcher. Butcher. I've been thinking it over. Instead of taking one of these dressed turkeys, I'll buy a live one. How much is it? $8. Are you going to take it with you? Yes. That'll be 20 cents extra for the leech. Oh, I. I often wondered how they got them home. Now, let's see. What else do I want? Oh, yes, for dinner tonight. Say, butcher, have you got a nice, thick, juicy T bone steak? What was that? I said a nice T bone steak. Well, who's next? Listen, butcher, you don't have to go into convulsions just because I. All right, folks, get your tickets here for the 40 cent tour through the refrigerator. Come one, come all. Hurry, hurry, hurry. 40 cent tour through the refrigerator? Yes, sir. It used to be 45, but the OPA put a ceiling on it. Very funny. Oh, thank you, sir. Now, hurry, hurry, hurry. On this outstanding excursion, you will see rib steaks, rump steaks, hipsteaks, T bone, sirloin, tenderloin and porterhouse. The seven wonders of the world. Come on, Jack, let's take the tour. Oh, don't be silly, Mary. You've seen steaks before. I showed you some last night when you came over to my house. Oh, you and your etchings. They weren't etchings. All right, folks, all of you going on this tour, please form a line to the left. Come on, Jack, be a sport. Buy two tickets. All right, all right. Okay, folks, line up in front of this refrigerator door. Now. Quiet, everybody. Yeah. Who is it? It's okay, Joe, you can open. Gosh, it's chilly in this refrigerator. Yeah, it sure is. And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will look to the right, you will see one of our feature attractions. None other than a seven rib roast. Wow. Oh, she Marriott. It is beautiful. I wonder if I could just. Ah, ah, ah. Don't linger with your finger. I just wanted to see if it was tender. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a seven rib roast. Not five, not six, but seven. I'll count them for you. One, two, three, four, five. Hmm. One, two, three, four, five. Uh. Oh. Hey, Joe, lock the doors. Okay. Hey, Eddie, bolt the windows. Okay. Hey, Tom, sound the alarm. Okay. Hey, sir. All right, stop. Nobody stole anything. Come on, Mary, let's pick up our turkey and go home. Sam. Well, we're almost home, Mary. Yeah, Isn't she cute? Say, Mary, you think it's all right to take the turkey in the house? Why not she's gonna be your guest for Thanksgiving. What? She can sit between the cranberry sauce and the mashed potatoes. Oh, stop. Look, Jack, here comes your crazy boarder. Mr. Billingsley. Mary, he's not crazy. He's just a little eccentric, that's all. Now, be nice to him, as rent's due tomorrow. Hello, Mr. Billingsley. Hello, folks. Out for a stroll, I see. Well, we're. We're not exactly taking a stroll. Why, Mr. Benny, I didn't know you had a little one. Mr. Benny's little one happens to be a turkey. You may be surprised, but I'm not. Look, Mr. Billingsley, I'm trying to tell you that we bought this at a store. Oh, come now, Mr. Benny. I'm old enough. Oh. Oh, brother. Look. Look, Mr. Billingsley, we're in a hurry. So am I. I have to go to the barber shop. Or was I there? Isn't that funny? I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Well, you can say that again. Oh, can I? All right. I don't know whether I'm coming or not. Well, I must run along now. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Goodbye. I believe you. Would you ra. Well. Well, that I know isn't in there. Well. Well, let's. Let's go, Mary. You know, Jack, I don't see how you can stand having a guy like that around the house. Mr. Billingsley. Oh, he's all right. He gets his own meals, makes his own bed. And every morning he gets up at 6 o' clock and takes my dog for a walk. But, Jack, you haven't got a dog. Well, for heaven's sake, don't tell Billingsley. It'll break his heart. Well, here we are. Come on, Mary. We'll put the turkey in the kitchen. Oh, hello, Rochester. Hello, boss. Hello, Ms. Lindsay. Well, and hello you. Now, let's see. Where can we put the turkey? Rochester, what are you doing to that turkey? I'm only petting her, boss. Petting her? You got your fingers around her neck. What are you worried about? I ain't hurting the part you get. Hmm? The way some people treat turkeys. Come here, you poor thing. There, there, see? See how she looks at me with those trusting eyes? Gee, how can anyone kill it? Oh, Jack, don't be a hypocrite. I'm not a hypocrite. I just can't bear the thought of anyone killing a poor, defenseless turkey. Go on. Last year you killed one yourself. Mary, I ran over that turkey with my car. It was an accident. Accident? You turned off the road and chased her halfway up a mountain. Oh, for. If she hadn't stopped to lay an egg, she'd have lived to hatch it. What are you talking about? You're right, Ms. Livingston. Then he put the car in reverse and got two more birds. What? I don't know. I was a tail gunner. Rochester. That's the first time I ever had white meat with Firestone written on it. Now cut that out and let's spin. Quest Social Casino. It's Thanksgiving time. The turkey's hot and the family's loud. Instead of football, play a different game on your phone. Live dealer blackjack, craps and slots. Play anytime, anywhere. Spinquest.com this Thanksgiving, gobble up a $30 coin pack for just $10. Come play. Today, Spinquest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spendquest.com for more details. At GEHA, we stand behind our members. With access to a network of nearly 600,000 providers. GEHA is proud to offer dental plans exclusively for federal employees, federal retirees and military retirees. Visit geha.com to learn more. Stop the whole thing. I'll get a ratchet or somebody at the door. You go out and feed the turkey. Oh, Hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. What are you doing around this way, kid? I came to see you about something important. Oh, yes? What is it? Well. Well, it's about me. All right, Dennis. All right, what is it? Well. Well, what? Well, my mother told me to tell you. Well. Your mother told you to tell me what? Well, you've been giving me the same salary for three years. And every year you promise me a raise. My mother thinks I ought to get one, and I do, too. So there. Dana. Dennis, come back here. Where'd he go? He thought he ran outside, but he went into the closet. What a kid. Dennis, come here. Gee, it's crowded out there. Those are my suits. Now, Dennis, if you want a raise in salary, don't act so flustered. Just ask me like a man. What are you afraid of? Just come over to me and say, Mr. Benny, I'd like a raise in salary. Well, Dennis, I'd like to give you a raise, kid, but right now I can't afford. Huh? I'm sorry. Things are a little tough now, but fuck up, kid. Stick to me and you'll go places. Dennis. Dennis, where'd you learn that? Mr. Benny put it on a record and sent it to me for my birthday. Dennis, we'll talk about your salary right after Thanksgiving. It wasn't even my birthday. Never mind. By the way, Kid, what are you going to sing on the program tomorrow? Say a prayer for the boys over there. Well, let me hear it. Maybe I ought to give them a raise. It costs money to make those records, you know. Say a prayer for the boys over there when they play the Star Spangled Banner Picture them by the dawn's early light and ask the Lord to watch over them each night. Lift your eyes as you silently rise when they play the Star Spangled Banner as the song of freedom fills the air. Say a prayer over the boys over there. Over there over there Sing. Say a prayer for the boys over there over there over there say a prayer for the boys over there Lift your eyes as you silently rise when they play the stars Spangled Banner As a song of freedom fills the air. Say a prayer of. Dennis. Dennis. That song as swell. Run over it once more before the broadcast tomorrow. Okay. But what shall I tell my mother about my raise and salary? Just tell her you asked. She'll know the rest. Dennis, tell your mother we'll talk about it later. Okay. Goodbye, Ms. Livingston. Goodbye, Dennis. Goodbye, kid. Dennis, that's the closet. Oh, here's the front door there. Gee, Mr. Benny, no wonder you're the star. Yes, Dennis, I've been a big hit for years. Just opening doors. Goodbye, kid. I wonder when he'll grow up. Well, Jack, I think I'll go home too. I have to clean up the house. Clean up your house? You've got a maid. I know, but I don't want a loser. Oh, yes. Good night, Mary. Good night. All right. Chester. Yes, sir. I'm ready to go upstairs to bed. I'm tired. Boss, would you mind walking up tonight? Okay, but don't let it happen too often. Oh, Rochester, what did you do with the turkey? Did you put her where she won't be cold? Yes, sir. It was good I put her in the oven. The oven? What'd you put her there for? I don't want her to get stage fried on Thanksgiving. I'll take her out of there and put her on the back porch. Okay. Bad enough that we have to kill her in a few days. The least we can do is see that she's comfortable. Gee, I hate to think of killing that poor old turkey. Oh, boy, am I tired. So tired I can't even hang up my clothes. Oh, well. Hmm. I'm not so fat. It'll feel good to get these shoes off. Oh, darn it. I always forget. Thanksgiving's here again. Years roll on for everybody but the turkey. It. Hello. Hello, my fine feathered Friend. Say, you're nice and plump, aren't you? Who, me? Yes, you. You're going to make somebody happy on Thanksgiving. What? And you'll bring me a nice price on the market. 55 cents a po. What am I doing here in this coop? I'm not a turkey. I gotta get out of here. Let me out of here. Let me out of this coop. Oh, I'm not in a coop. I'm in my own house. Oh, Rochester. Rochester. What are you doing in here, Turkey? I thought I'd put you out on the back porch. Turkey. Rochester. I'm not a turkey. And stop staring at me like that. Come here, turkey. Come over here to me. Rochester, put down that knife and fork. Is that a napkin you're wearing? It ain't a sarong. Rochester, what's the matter with you? Say, butcher. Hello, Suzanne. How much ways by you this turkey. Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. I'm not talking to you. Oh. Oh, pardon me. All right, folks, get your tickets here for the 40 cent tour through the gravy bowl. Come on, come on. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Come on, Jack, let's go. Two tickets, please. You only need one. Lady turkeys get in free. Wait a minute. This is going far enough. I'm not a turkey. I'll prove I'm not. Mrs. Greenberg, I'm not talking to you. Butcher. Butcher. You know I'm not a turkey, don't you? What's the matter with you people? Mary, tell them I'm not a turkey. Tell them. For cranberry sauce, tell them. Of course you're not a turkey. What's the matter with you people? Look at his web feet. Well, I've had enough. I'm getting out of here. You're a turkey. You're a turkey. You're a turkey. Who's a turkey? You're a turkey. You're a turkey. You're a turkey. I'm a turkey. Roma sat. A Roma salt. A roma sat. A robot. Oh, boy. Train leaving on track 12 for Morocco, Tunisia, Egypt, Arabia. Oh, boy. I'm going to get on that train, get away from all of this and Turkey. What? Well, that did it. I'm gonna prove once and for all who I am. Hello, Mr. Benny. You're a little unhappy, I see, Mr. Billingsley. Mr. Billingsley. Yes. Tell me, am I a turkey or Jack Benny? You haven't left yourself much choice, have you? This is the end. I'm not taking any more from anybody. The next one that tells me I'm a turkey is going to get a punch in the mouth. That's what I'll do. I'll punch him right in the mouth. Hello, Jack. Never mind that Jack stuff. I know what you're thinking, Don Wilson. Go ahead and say it. Just say it. Of course I'll say it. Grape Nuts Flakes are toasty brown. Toasty brown. Stop stalling, Wilson. Sweet as a nut, you know what I mean? Come on, say it. Toasty brown. Molly. Richard. Don't play around with me, Don Wilson. You came here to tell me one thing, are you Say it. You say to her, I'll punch you right in the mouth. Grape nut swing right in the mouth. Grape nut swag right in the mouth. Grape nut swag right in the mouth. Grape nut swag right in the mouth. Now get out. Get out of here. Everybody. Get out. Get out. Boss. Boss, wake up. Go away. Go away. Boss, wake up. You've been dreaming. Huh? Huh? What? You've been dreaming. Yeah. Oh, my goodness, what a dream I had. What a terrible nightmare it must have been. Boss, your feathers are all over the floor. My feathers? You tore your pillow apart. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Know what you meant for a minute there. Well, I'm all right now, Rochester. Nearly time to get up anyway. Almost. Say, Mr. Benny, what's all that money doing on the floor? Oh, that's some change that dropped out of my shoe. So long, Rochester. So long. So long, Bo. What a man. He's got shoes that jingle, jangle, jingle. Well, folks, tonight I'm going to tell you a so so story. You know, how you meet a guy on a nice shiny morning and sing out, why, hello, Jim, how are you? And he says, oh, so so. Well, there's usually a reason for that let down so so mood. And it goes something like this. So that guy got up that morning on the run. So then he ate breakfast on the sip and run. So no wonder he felt below par lately. You can't do a man sized job on a bird sized breakfast, you know. In fact, doctors and dietitians tell us that we need at least one quarter of our daily nourishment in the morning. So start the day well nourished and for a real treat, feature Toasty Brown Grape Nuts Flakes. Because Grape Nuts Flakes are a whole grain cereal crammed full of sustaining energy, giving whole grain nourishment. So you couldn't ask for anything better, could you, than Grape Nuts Flakes. Crisp, toasty brown with that sweet as a nut flavor. Mm. Eat a good breakfast, you'll do a better job. And for a rousing breakfast treat. Make it delicious nutritious Grape Nuts Flakes. Ladies and gentlemen, I only have a second. I'd like to call your attention to a special USO program which will be broadcast Thanksgiving morning. Program is called Soldiers in Grease Paint will include all of your favorite radio and motion picture stars. So please listen. Good night folks. Ladies, your grocer has something new for you. That's the time saving money, saving big new economy sized package of Hot Grape nut sweet meal. 30 full ounces of this rich hot brown cereal that's extra delicious, extra nutritious and it cooks to perfection in just three minutes. Ask for the big new economy sized package of Hot Grape Nut Sweet Meal. This program came to you from Hollywood. This is the National Broadcasting Company. Forget everything you had planned for this weekend because you are sitting on your couch and winning from the comfort of your own home. I'm here with Spinquest where you can play hundreds of slot games, all the table games you love and you could even win real cash prizes. New users $30 coin packs are on sale for 10 at spinquest.com SpinQuest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.