
Nero Wolfe 82-03-20 The Squirt And The Monkey
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A
Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24. 7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.
B
Shari Flett, David Hamblin, Richard Monette and Eric Peterson. I was doing two things at once with my hands. I was getting my armpit holster and the Molly 32 from a drawer of my desk. And with my tongue, I was giving Nero Wolf a lecture on economics. The most you can hope to soak our client is 500 bucks. Deduct the overhead and expenses, at least 300 take off 85% for income tax. And that leaves you with 45 bucks clear for the wear and tear on your brain and my legs. Not to mention the risk. Risk of what? Complications. Playing games with a gun is sappy. Mr. Covid is sappy. And I resent the gun being used as a prop in his sappy schemes. Not to mention me. It's a subtly conventional proceedings. Mr. Colvin has engaged us to find who stole his gun. You're merely out of humor because you don't like the cartoon strip Dazzle Dan. I mean, for God's sake, perhaps you prefer Betty Boop or Blondie. Well, get you. I look at the comics occasionally. Just be cultured. It wouldn't hurt any if you did the same. It was true that I didn't care for Dazzle Dan. Even though I sent a kid in the 2000 newspapers and I didn't care for its creator. Harry Copen, who had called at our office Saturday evening, also wanted to care for the job he wanted us to do. Because Harry Coven had programmed his stuff. He was gonna do the detecting. The only difference between me and a messenger boy was that I was taking a taxi instead of the subway to his house on 76th Street. Yes, I have an appointment with Mr. Coleman. He's the man from Fernaris. No, no, my name is Goodwin. Mr. Colvin isn't available yet. Come back later. Just excuse me for a minute. My appointment is for noon. It is now about. No, it's Archie Goodwin, expected by Mr. Coburnoon. It is now two minutes past 12. Interruptions, shouting nor you goddamn place. Come on then, up this way. Thank you. When you have an appointment with Sir Harry, always at an hour.
C
Dearest, you are going to stop calling my husband Sir Harry.
B
You're wrong. It's a plan. I haven't got guts to quit churning out this happenstar for a while. So I call him Sir Harry to make you sore. Working myself on calling him something that will make him sore. And eventually I'll come to a boil and figure out a way to make Adrian Getz sore. And I'll be fired. And I can be an artist again instead of doodling out Dazzle Dan. It's a plan.
C
There's no need to bore our guest with your plan. Hello, Mr. Goodwin.
B
Good afternoon.
C
There's every need.
B
I'm more apt to go through with it if I announce it in front of the witness. You're the witness, Goodwin. My name's Jordan.
C
Peter darling, you're acting like a brat. And you're too old to be a brat. Why not grow up?
B
I look on you as a mother, Peter. Well, excuse me, but I am not a professional witness. I came to see Mr. Coven at his request. Shall I go hunt for him? Good morning, Mrs. Co. Am I too early?
C
Good morning, Byron. Yes, it's too early. This is Mr. Hildebrand, Mr. Goodwin.
B
Pete left the workroom so I thought it must be time. Oh, are you unable to work on my time there? I give you inspiration is baby. What you give me, Pete, isn't inspiration, it's headache. Then why don't you take a pill? Or a royal pain. It was all very informal and homey. I'd had enough of the three people in that room even before the monkey and the kid in a corner decided to join the fun. Also, the room was like an oven. I walked to the far side of the room and opened the window.
C
Who opened that window?
B
I did.
C
Well, please shut it at once. Rukulu will be dead in an hour.
B
Certainly. And now that I have your attention, finally. Ruku's coughing.
C
Are you all right, baby?
B
Listen to him. Pneumonia already. That's an idea. That's what I'll do when I woke up to make he gets sore.
C
You must be Archie Goodwin. I'm Pat Lowell, Mr. Coven's manager.
B
Hello.
C
I was going to phone you this morning to warn you that Mr. Coven is never on time for an appointment. But he arranged this himself so I didn't.
B
I'll never again pass up an excuse for phoning me.
C
I won't. You're early anyway. He told us the conference would be at 12:30.
B
I was told to come at 12.
C
Oh, to talk with him first?
B
I guess so.
C
Well, I handle all his business. Everything from endorsements of cough drops to putting Dazzle Dan on scooters. And this is the first time he's ever done this.
B
Done what?
C
Called someone in without consulting me. I understand it's something to do with Dazzle Dance starting a detective agent.
B
We better wait and let Mr. Crohn tell her. As I understand it, I'm only here as a technical advisor. Of course, you would handle the business end. And that would mean you and I would have to have lots of talks.
C
Oh, here's Mr. Coven now with Mr. Guest.
B
Good morning, my little Dazzlers.
C
Good morning, Harry. Mr. Goodwin, you know Harry. This is Adrian Getz.
B
Mr. Getz, it seems cool in here. I opened a window with Rukalo in the room. Good heaven. So you got here, Goodwin. Don't mind the Squirt and his damn monkey. Love that damn monkey. I call this the steam room. How is he, Squirt? Okay? I think so, Harry. I hope so. I hope so too. Or God help Goodwin. Byron. Has 728 come? No, I phoned Ferry and he said it would be right off. Late again. We may have to change. Change? When it comes, Do a revive on the third frame. Where Dan says, not tonight, my dear. Make it not today, my dear. Got it. But we discussed that. I know, but we changed it. We'll change 729 to fit if you finish 733. No, but it's only a matter. What are you doing up here? Why? Goodwin came and you said you wanted a. I'll let you know when we're ready. Sometime after lunch. Show me the revival on 7. 28. How is everybody blooming? See you all later. Come along, Goodman. We'll go to my study. Sit down. Thanks. This room's a little more comfortable. What? It's cooler. Oh, yeah. I'm eating my breakfast now. You had yours, huh? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is this where it happened? What? The theft. Oh, yes. Did you bring the gum? Yeah. Let me see. It's the one we showed you at the office. Marley. 32. It's just like your stolen one. Is this the desk where you kept it? In the left hand drawer, in the bottom.
A
Time is precious, and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24. 7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments. And shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.
B
Loaded? Yes. I told her to go. And so you did. And it's been there in that drawer for two years. But last Friday when I looked, it was gone. You think it was taken by one of the five people whose names you gave? I think it may have been. You didn't put it like that, but. Skip it. You gave us the five names. Your wife, Marcel, your manager, Pat Lowell. The two artists who draw Dazzle Dan. Pete Jordan and Byron Hildebrand. And Adrian Getz out there. The one you call Squirt? Yes. Well, then they're all here. We can go ahead and get on with it. As I understand it, I am to put my gun there in the drawer where yours was. And then you get them up here for a conference. Right. I ask you to show us how a detective searches a room. To give us an idea of the picture potential. You better not start with the desk. Start maybe with the shelves back there. And when you come to do the desk, I'll push my chair back to be out of your way. And then I'll have them right in front of me. Then you open the drawer and I thought you were to do that. I know that's what I said. But this is better. Because they'll be looking at the gun in you and I'll be watching their faces. The one that took my gun is going to have a surprised look on his face. And I'm going to see it. And if there are five looks of surprise. What do you mean? At seeing me take the gun out of your desk. Those who don't know you had a gun there. But they do know, all of them. Certainly. Everybody knows everything around here. They thought I ought to get rid of it. Now I wish I had. You understand, Goodman, all there is to this. I just want to know where the damn thing is and who took it. I'll handle it myself from there. Yeah, okay. The gun was here? Yes. The rear compartment. Like this? Yes. Okay. Get him up here. Just a minute. What's the matter? I'm gonna have to get my nerve up. I'm never much good until late afternoon. You called the conference for 12:30. I know I did. I do things like that. But I've got to dress. I'm still in my bathrobe. Don't try to rush me, understand? Now, look, look. Let me explain how Mr. Wolf charges. If it takes more of my time than he thinks reasonable, he adds an extra hundred dollars an hour. Now, keeping me here until late afternoon would be expensive. Well, it only might take an hour or so. An hour or so? Do you know how much I make an hour? Over a thousand dollars. More than $1,000.
C
Oh, excuse me.
B
What do you want, Marcel?
C
Going to get dressed now, are you, dear? I came to see if Mr. Goodwin was staying for a while. Yes, I thought you might be. Mr. Goodwin, you ought to have something to eat. We don't do any cooking. We even have our breakfast sent in. But there are some sandwiches.
B
Oh, well, I don't want to be rude, but are they in the room with the monkey?
C
Oh, no. Wouldn't that be awful downstairs in the workroom? I'm sure you'll be much more comfortable there.
B
As you see, there's smoked turkey, sturgeon, caviar, and that's popcorn beef on the warmer. Just help yourself. Thanks. Why doesn't someone turn the radios down? What? I said, why doesn't someone turn the two radios down or off? Oh, one's sirens and the other's Pete. They like different programs when they're working, so they have to go for volume. That's grand, Adrian. I'm sorry. What the hell are you doing? Why did you turn my radio off? Mr. Getz, that was uncivil. I know. It was only that I wanted to ask Mr. Goodwin something. Shoot. Did you know when you opened that window that cold drafts are dangerous for tropical monkeys? Sure, I was trying it out. That was thoughtless. You may turn your radios on again, Goodwin. God help you. Why does he sting? Don't ask me why, but watch your step. I think he's a kobold. Oh, yeah? What's a kobold? A sort of goblin. Well, the muse calls. Want to see an artist create? Tell me what. No, thanks, I said. What? What do you think? I said no. Than I think I'll go and chat with the monkey. And I did go and talk with the monkey for a while. When the heat got to me, I went back to the workroom and watched the artist for a while. Nothing I saw changed my opinion of Dazzle Dan, but I had to admire the way they did him. Working from rough sketches, which all looked alike to me, they turned out the finished product in three colors so fast they could barely keep up. Then I sat down and concentrated on the experiment of listening to two radio stations at once for a while. When my brain started to curdle, I got out a door toward the front of the house was standing open. I stepped inside when I saw Pat Lowell was there. Could you listen a minute? Ms. Lowell, we're here on a desert island and for months you've been holding me at arm's length and I'm desperate. It is not mere profinquity. In rags and tatters as you are without makeup, I have come to look upon you.
C
I'm busy. Go play with a coconut.
B
Then I spent another half an hour or so looking through the glass of the front door at the outside world. The view was nothing to brag about. And the afternoon passed like that. Eventually, when I was thoroughly fed up, I went upstairs in search of Lord Harry. The study was empty, so I tried next door. Mr. Golden. Oh, sorry. Mrs. Colvin was lying in the middle of a king sized bed there. I needn't have apologized. She was sound asleep. So I quietly closed the door. In the room across the hall, Harry Coburn was standing at the window with his back to me. Well, what do you want? It's going on 4 o'. Clock. I'll be going soon and taking my gun with me. I was standing at the window three thinking. Oh yeah? Any luck? Fame and fortune aren't all man needs for happiness. Even with a loving wife. Marcel is my third, you know, and she's wonderful. She's 14 years younger than me. But that still isn't all that's needed for happiness. Look, it's quarter past four and it's getting dark. I would call it late afternoon now. What do you say we go ahead? I want a drink. Will you join me? It's a bit early for me. I'm not supposed to to drink until 5 o', clock, but I'll make this an exception. Bourbon. All right. Say when. Cheers. Oh, I need this today. Suppose we take the refreshment into the study and go over our act. Don't rush me.
A
Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24,7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.
B
Oh, all right. Come on. Bring your glass. Good. When you don't understand the pressures on a man in my position, the responsibility. Yeah, I see what you mean I wouldn't want to be in your shoes? Okay, then. Here we are. You sit at the desk there. I search the shelves back here. And then I come to the desk and I open the drawer and there's a gun. And you watch the expression on everyone's faces. Then I go and get. Wait a minute.
C
What's the matter?
B
We have found your gun.
C
What?
B
It's empty. Take a look. That's the gun you put in. It isn't. Mine was clean and bright as. Was it yours? I don't know. It looks like it. On the name of God, how do you think someone with hands took mine out and put yours in? It could have been you. Was it me?
C
No.
B
How could it have been me? I didn't even know where mine was. You said you didn't. I had to stretch you out and tamper you down. Keeping me here the whole goddamn day. And now this. If you ever talk straight into the point, now is the time. Did you touch my gun? No. You know who did? No, but you. Shut up, damn it. Shut up. I'm going down there and I'm going to get the. You stay put right here. If I find, when I get back. That you've moved from that position. I'll either slap you down with your own gun or I'll phone the police. My God. Don't call the police. I said shut up and stay put. This is my house, Goodman. God damn it. Don't you know a raving maniac when you see one? Me? Maybe the best thing would be for you to call a cop. I want my gun. By the time I got down to the ground floor, I had myself well enough in hand to calmly be tell them that Covan was ready for them. Upstairs, I found Pat Lowell at her desk, and Hildebrand and Jordan stood at their drawing boards and herded them upstairs. Where will I find Adrian Getz?
C
He may be in his room over there. He takes his afternoon nap in there with Rukalu. But not this late, usually.
B
Thank you. I'll check. Mr. Getz, are you in there? Why?
C
There's a draft. Adrian never opens the window. Put on the mic, Adrian.
B
Adrian Getz. The squirt was lying on the couch, but he wasn't taking a nap. The hole in his skull was just northeast of his right ear and the blood had run over the edge of the couch onto the floor. I stuck my hand inside the feet of his desk and held it there for eight seconds. Adrian Getz was through taking naps. My God. Look in the cage. Over there. Look at Rukalung. What's he holding to his chest? That's a gun he's holding to his chest. A Marley.32. I suspect he's holding it to his chest because it's the only warm thing in this room. Having recently been fired over the years, I haven't told the cops more than a couple of dozen bare faced lies. Maybe not that many. On the other hand, I can't recall any murder case where Wolf and I have simply opened the crowd bag and given them everything we had. Except one, and this was it. On the murder of Adrian Getz, I let Inspector Kramer have it all and it worked just fine. You're a liar, Goodwin. No, sir. You got it exactly as it happened. Everything. You lied about that gun. If you don't want to get taken downtown, think it over. Think. Now tell me what you came here for and what happened. What do you mean? Take me downtown? On your order? That's right. You've already questioned me for two hours on a charge. What charge? All of an act. Oh, we have to. You have no license for the gun we found. Ha, ha, ha and ha. Okay, there you got your laugh. It's a very fine gag. Ha. Bring in Coben, will you, darling? Yes, sir. I told you where and how I got that gun. You had the gun in your holster and you have no license for it. Oh, I get it, I get it. You've been hoping for years to hang something on Nero Wolf and here's your chance to get at him through me. I want to know why you came here and what happened. I told. Sit down, please, Mr. Koven. Mr. Colvin. I told you that I would ask you to repeat your story in front of Goodwin and you said you would. That's right. We won't need all the details. Just answer me briefly. When you called on Nero Wolf last Saturday evening, what did you ask him to do? I told him I was going to have Dazzle Dan start a detective agency in a new series and I needed information on how an agency was running. That's all you wanted from him? Information? Essentially, yeah. Did you say anything to Wolf about your gun being taken from your desk? Well, certainly not. What? Why should I? Besides, it haven't been taken. No, wait a minute. Shut up, Goodwin. What arrangement did you make with Wolf, Mr. Coleman? Oh, he agreed to send Goodwin to my place today for a conference with my staff and me. And Goodwin came? Yes. The conference was for 12:30, but I had a little talk with Goodwin and asked him to wait. I wanted to Think it over some more. I'm like that. I put things off. Was your talk with Goodwin about your gun being gone? Certainly not. Oh, I did mention the gun, actually. I told him I didn't have a license for it and I asked him how to go about getting one. Did you show him the gun? Well, I pulled the drawer open and we glanced in at it and he said he had one of the same make. Did you or Goodwin take your gun out of the drawer? No, absolutely not. Did he put his gun in the drawer? Absolutely not. When I took my gun from my holster to show it to you, did you? Nothing doing. You're listening. Just the high spots for now. Did you have another talk with Goodwin later? Yes, around 4 o', clock, up there in my office. I told him I was ready for the conference and he went to call the others. Then what happened? Well, after a while he came back alone and without saying anything, he came to the desk and took my gun from the drawer and put it under his coat. And then he went to the phone and called Mr. Nero Wolf. When I heard him tell Wolf that Adrian had been shot, I got up to go down there and Goodwin jumped me from behind and knocked me out. When I came to, he was still talking to Wolf. I. I don't know what he was telling him. And then he called the police. He was not. That covers that. One more point. Do you know of any motive for Goodwin wanting to murder Adrian Getz? No, I don't. I don't. And if Getz were shot with Goodwin's gun, how do you account for it? Now, you're not obliged to account for it. But if you don't mind, just repeat what you told me. Well, I told you about the monkey. Goodwin opened the window and that's enough to kill that kind of monkey. And Getz was very fond of it. I understand Goodwin likes to kid people. Of course, I don't know what happened. But if Goodwin went in there later when Getz was there and started to open the window, you can't tell when Getz once got aroused. He's apt to do anything. He couldn't have hurt Goodman any. But Goodman might have taken out his gun just for a gag and gets tried to get it away and it went off accidentally, that wouldn't be murder, would he? No, that would be only a regrettable accident. That's all for now, Mr. Coven. Take him out, Doyle, and bring in Hildebrand. I want to use that phone. The lines are all busy. There's one downtown. Do you want to Hear Hildebrand before you comment. I'm crazy to hear Hildebrand. No doubt he'll explain that I tossed the gun in the monkey's cage to frame the monkey. Yes. Let's just wait for Hildebrand. Oh, here he is now. This will only take a minute, Mr. Hildebrand. I just want to check on Sunday morning yesterday you were here working. I often work Sundays. You were in the workroom? Yes, sir. Mr. Goetz was there too, making some suggestions. I was doubtful about one of his suggestions and went upstairs to consult Mr. Coburn. But Mrs. Copy was in the hall. You mean the big hall, one flight up? Yes. She said that Mr. Coven wasn't up yet, but Ms. Lowell was in the study waiting to see him. And I could wait too, if I wanted. And you did? Yes. While you were waiting, you had a conversation with Ms. Lowell? Yes. We discussed various matters. And mention was made of the gun Mr. Coben kept in his desk drawer. I pulled the drawer open just to look at it. With no special purpose? Just to look at it. Was the gun there in the drawer? Yes. Did you take it out? No. Neither did Ms. Lowell. We didn't touch it. But you recognize it as the same gun? I can't say that I did know. I can only say that it looked the same as before. So Yesterday morning, in Ms. Lowell's presence, you opened the drawer and saw the gun which you took to be the gun you had seen there before. Is that correct? That's correct. Okay, that's all. You can go now. Anything to say? Good one. Sorry, Inspector, I lost my voice. You're not funny, pal. You're never as funny as you think you are. This time you're not funny at all. I got you. I'll be leaving here before long to join you downtown. And on my way, I'll stop in a wolf's place for a talk. He won't time up on this one. At the very least I've got you on the Sullivan act. Why fiddle around with a Sullivan act? Make it a big one. And really make a fool of yourself. I've warned you. Even a suspended sentence, you lose your license. You godamn mule. Take him down, Tondo. It was after 9 o' clock before they finally let me use the phone at the cop. I know where you are and how you got there. Mr. Craver is here. Really? I have phoned Mr. Parker, but it's too late to do anything tonight. Have you eaten yet? No, sir. I'm afraid of poison and I'm on a hunger Strike. You should eat something. Mr. Kramer's worst than a jackass. He's a demented jackass. I intend to persuade him to release you at once. Wolf couldn't budge Kramer because It wasn't until 2pm the next day before Parker finally got bail posted and I arrived back home. Are you all right? No. Don't you smell me? What the devil is that smell? Disinfecting for the bloodhounds, in case you escape. I'm going to go up and rinse off. Not yet. Have you eaten enough to hold me? Then we'll get started. Look, it'll help if we first get it settled about my leaving that room with my gun in there in the drawer. I. Shut up and sit down. I deny that you were in the slightest degree imprudent. Even if you were, this has transcended such petty considerations. You're no. Take a letter. Yes, sir. Dear Mrs. Baumgarten, thank you very much for your letter of the 13th comma requesting me to undertake an investigation for you. Paragraph. I am sorry that I cannot be of service to you. I am compelled to decline because I've been informed by an official of the New York Police Department that my license to operate a private detective active agency is about to be taken away from me. Sincerely yours. What happened in your talk with Kramer? Type that at once and send Fritz to Mailer. If any requests for appointments come by telephone, refuse them, giving the reason and keeping a record. The reason given in the letter? Yes. Did Mr. Parker go back to his office? That's what he said. Shall I get him for you? No, you start typing. I'll call him. Send Mr. Colvin a bill for recovery of his gun. 500. It should go today with no extra. Is considering. 500 flat. And I want you to call your friend at the Gazette. I want the last three years of the Dazzle Dan comic strip. Can you get them? I can try. Do so. Ah, Mr. Parker. How long will it take to enter a suit for damages and serve a summons on the defendant? Can you do it by noon tomorrow? Then do your best, please. Mr. Colvin has destroyed, by slander my means of livelihood. I wish to bring an action demanding payment by him of the sum of $1 million. Whoop. There you are, sir. Mission accomplished. 30 pounds of Dazzle Dan with the best wishes from the editor of the Gazette. Mr. Cohen was cooperative. He thought it was a bargain. Front page. Will carry a few paragraphs exclusive to the Gazette stating that Nero Wolf is out of the detective business because Inspector Kramer is taking his license Away satisfactory. Kramer will be real. Please also scuttlebutt. Lonnie Cohen and I discussed the murder from the point of view of the press. What the boys in the business.
A
Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24,7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch. You'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.
B
But can't print yet. You want it? I am a primate and therefore curious. Okay. First of all about Ms. Lowell. Juicy. It is said that Getz learned that she was chiseling on royalties for makers of Dazzle down products and intended to hang it on her. That could have been big money. Any names or dates? Evidence? No, nothing repeatable yet. Hope. But there are some facts about Hildebrand. Oh yes, you've been drawing Dazzle Dan for eight years now. Last week he was told he could leave at the end of the month. Now he might or might not get another job at his age. He's been talking about it openly and blaming guest. What about Mr. Jordan? Anything on him? This I don't like. They say Jordan is painted some pictures, modern stuff. And twice he has tried to get a gallery to show them. Now both times Getz has somehow kibosh there. Whether because Getz was a born louse or whether he wanted to keep George. I'll do my own speculating, thank you, Archie. Mr. Getz may not have liked the pictures, Mr. Colvin. Oh, well, what better could you ask? There Getz ruled the roost. Plenty of evidence about that. So the only question is, is what he had on Kove. The house on 76 is registered in Getz's name. Oh, indeed. And Mrs. Coven? Well, husband and wife are one, I think. Oh, yes. Man and wife make one fool. Hey, Lonnie will want to print that one. Can I tell them? It was printed more than 300 years ago. Ben Johnson wrote it. Another errand for you, Archie. Contact Levey Recorders Incorporated. Have them send over a man before noon tomorrow. It wasn't until nearly dinner time that I got to take that much needed shower. After dinner that evening we were all hard at it in the office. Fritz unfolding gazettes, finding a right page and tearing it out. I was banging away at my typewriter on a detailed report for Mr. Parker in the slander suit against Harry Govin. And Wolf was at his desk concentrating on a methodical study of three years of Dazzle Dan. It was well after midnight before he pushed back his chair and got up. This morass of fatuity is giving me indigestion. Yes, sir, culture can be hard to take. Read this. Oh, yummy. The Sunday section in color. Well, boys and girls, in the first picture, Dazzle is scooting along this country road on his motorcycle, passing a sign that says Peaches right from the tree. Haggie ghoul and Haggie cruel proprietor. It isn't necessary to read aloud. Comics are meant to be read aloud. And in the second picture, Dan says, give me a dozen. Notice how the two women are dressed? The old one is wearing a potato sack and I think that's supposed to be a mink coat on the young one. Look at frame five. The old one is handing the young one a coin and saying, here's your 10%, Haggie. And Haggie says, thank you very much. Well, go on, go on. All right. Then Dazzle asks Haggie, why don't you split it even? And Aggie tells him, because it's my tree. Huh? Am I supposed to comment? If it would help, yes. All right, if you mean the mink code. Pat Lowells may not be paid for. There have been two similar episodes, one each year with the same characters. Then it may be paid for. Is that all? That's all for now. I'm not a brain, I'm a typist. I gotta finish this damn report. The next day the phone nearly rang off the hook. Reporters wanting the latest on the Gazette story. Kramer absolutely apoplectic, wanting wolf's hide. I had the pleasure of hanging up on him, the Leve Recording company and Parker to say that the summons had been served to Covan. But it wasn't until after 6 that our first visitor arrived. Pat Lowell was red faced and hard eyed.
C
So you're near a wolf. I'm scared to death. I hope I don't look it. I'm trying not to. I was sent here by Mr. Colvin. My God, don't you ever say anything?
B
Oh, on occasion. Give me one. You say something.
C
Mr. Colvin sent me about your ridiculous suit for damages. He intends to enter a counterclaim for damage to his reputation through actions of your acknowledged agent, Archie Goodwin. Of course he denies that there's any basis for your suit. That's the situation.
B
Thank you for coming to tell me. Archie, show. Ms. Lowell. Yes. Wait.
C
Mr. Colvin thinks lawyers would just make this more of a mess than it is, and I agree with him. He thinks you and he should settle it between you. Is that possible?
B
We can try. There's a phone. Get him here.
C
He's too upset. I'm sure you'll find it more practical to deal with me. And if we can come to an understanding, he'll approve. I guarantee that.
B
I doubt if that will get us anywhere. For one thing, a factor in both claims is the question, who killed Adrian Getz and why? Now, I'd have to begin by considering that aspect. I'd have to ask you some pointed questions, and I doubt if you'd dare to risk answering them.
C
What kind of questions?
B
Well, for example, how's the monkey?
C
Oh, I can risk answering that it's sick. It's at the Spiral Hospital. They don't expect it to live.
B
Exposure from the open window.
C
Yes. They're very delicate, that kind.
B
Last August and September, a monkey had a prominent role in Dazzle Dan. At first it was depicted maliciously on a conjecture by someone with a distaste for monkeys. Thereafter, it was drawn sympathetically. The change was abrupt and noticeable. Why? On instructions from Mr. Colvin.
C
Well.
B
You hesitate?
C
Well, I was thinking back. Mr. Goetz objected to the way the monkey was drawn, and Mr. Kovan had Mr. Jordan do it instead of Mr. Hildebrand.
B
Mr. Jordan likes monkeys. Yes, but Mr. Hildebrand does not.
C
No, not that one. Anyway. Rookaloo bit him once. Isn't this pretty silly? Mr. Are you going along with this?
B
Unless you walk out, yes. How did you feel about the monkey?
C
I thought it was an awful nuisance. But it had its points as a diversion. But it was my fault. It was there since I gave it to Mr. Goetz.
B
Oh, indeed. When?
C
About a year ago. A friend returning from South America gave it to me, and I couldn't take care of it, so I gave it to him.
B
Mr. Getz lived in the Colvin house?
C
Yes.
B
Then actually you were dumping it onto Mrs. Colvin. Did she appreciate it?
C
I know I should have considered that. I apologized to her and she was nice about it.
B
Did Mr. Colvin like the monkey?
C
I like to tease it, but he didn't dislike it. He teased it just to annoy Mr. Guest.
B
I am told that it's generally believed or not published that the conception of Dazzledown was originally supplied to Mr. Colvin by Mr. Goetz. But Mr. Goetz was the continuing source of inspiration for the Story and pictures and that without him, Mr. Colvin will be up a stump. What about that talk?
C
Just cheap talk.
B
Good. I'm glad to hear you say so. If that belief could be validated, I admit I'd be up a stump myself.
C
I don't understand.
B
To support my claim against Mr. Colvin, I need to demonstrate that Mr. Goodwin did not kill Mr. Getz. If he didn't, then who did? One of you five. Huh? But all of you had a direct personal interest in the continued success of Dazzle dan. And if Mr. Getz was responsible for the success, why kill him? So you see, I'm not sure. Silly at all. We've been at it only a few minutes and already you've helped me enormously.
C
I didn't say guests had nothing to do with the success of Dazzle Dan. After all, so do I. I didn't say he won't be a loss. Everyone knows he was Mr. Covan's oldest and closest friend. We were all quite aware that Mr. Coven relied.
B
Please, Ms. Lowell, please don't spoil it for me. Don't give me a point and then try to take it back. Next you'll be saying that Covenant called Getz the squirt to show his affection as a man who'll call his dearest friend an old bastard. Whereas I prefer to regard it as an inferiority complex, deeply resentful, showing its biceps. Or telling me that all of you, without exception, were inordinately fond of Mr. Getz and submissively grateful to him.
C
Look, Mr. Wolf, I.
B
You should know that I had a talk with Inspector Kramer Monday evening and learned from him some of the plain facts. Such as the pillow lying on the floor, scorched and pierced, showing it had been used to muffle the sound of the shot. And the failure of all of you to prove lack of opportunity.
C
We aren't getting anywhere. This is pointless.
B
You're quite right. We've gone as far as we can, you and I. It's time for you to call Mr. Colvin and tell him so. Tell him to be here at 8:30 with Mrs. Colvin, Mr. Jordan and Mr. Hildebrandt.
C
Are you trying to be funny?
B
I. We now know who killed Mr. Gatz. I'll have to tell the police, of course. But first I want to settle a matter of my claim with Mr. Cohen. And you can tell him that. Tell him that if I have to inform the police before I have a talk with him and the others, there'll be no compromise on my claim. And I'll collect It this is a bluff. Then call it.
C
I'm going to. I'm not such a sack.
B
Archie. Inspector Kramer. Yes, sir. They'll be there by the time you are, Ms. Laurel. Hello, Homicide? Inspector Kramer, please. This is. Damn you. Hang up. Okay. Get Mr. Coven's number for her. Archie. Well, Mr. Wolf, we're all here this time you can't cook up a fancy lie with Goodwin. They're our witnesses. We won't get anywhere that way. Mr. Colvin, the situation is this. You don't want to pay me a million dollars. I don't want to lose my license. The police don't want to add another unsolved murder to the long list. The central and dominant factor is the violent death of Mr. Getz, and I propose to deal with that at length. Now, if we can get that settled. You told Ms. Lowell you know who killed him. If so, why don't you tell the police? That ought to settle it. You don't mean that, Mr. Cole. You're damn right I mean. It. Then is a misunderstanding. I heard Ms. Lowell's talk with you on the floor phone both ends of it. I got the impression that my threat to inform the police about Mr. Getz's death was what brought you down here. Now, it wasn't any threat that brought me here. It's that blackmailing suit you started. I want to make you eat it and I'm going to. Oh, indeed. Then I gather that you don't care who gets my information first, you or the police. But I do. For one thing, when I talk to the police, I like to be able to. Archie, if you will. Yes, sir. I went to the hall and switched on the porch light for a look through the one way glass of the front door. One glance was enough. I stepped back into the office. Excuse me, sir. The man about the chair. Tell him. No, no, wait. I'll see it if you excuse me a moment. Wolf strode to the front hall, peered through the glass and opened the door. The chain bolt stopped it at a crack of two inches. Well, Mr. Kramer, I'm coming in. I doubt it. What for? Patricia Lowell entered here at 6 o' clock and is still here. The other four entered 15 minutes ago. I told you your license was suspended. I'm coming in. I still doubt it. I have no client. These people are here to discuss an action for damages which I brought against Mr. Colvin. I don't need a license for that. I'm shutting the door. My God, this does it. You're through. I thought I was already through. But this sort of thing. I can't hear you. The wind. Oh, this is preposterous. Talking through a crack. Descend to the sidewalk and I'll come out. Do you hear that? Yes. Very well. To the sidewalk. Archie, my coat. I don't like fighting a blizzard, so let's get to the point. You blundered and you know it. You arrested Mr. Goodwin on a trumpery charge. You came and flustered and went too far. Now you're afraid I'm going to catch a murderer and toss him to the district attorney, so you. I'm not afraid of a goddamn thing. I told you to lay off and by God, you're going to. I want to go in there. You may. What? You just under one condition. You know the peephole in the wall of my office, concealed by a picture standing in the nook at the end of the hall. You can see and hear us in the office.
A
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B
The condition is that you enter quietly, take your post in the nook, overseers from there and give me half an hour. What kind of a la. I'm after a murderer. Of this one chance in five? I'd say that I'll get him. You said you were discussing an action for damages. We are. I'll get either the murderer or the damages. Now I'm going in. If you come along, it must be under the condition the state of that. You're coming? Yes. You accept the condition? Yes. Come along then. I apologize to you all. That was unavoidable. Now suppose we start over, Mr. Colvin, with your surmise of the police that gets was shot by Mr. Goodwin accidentally. That's absurd. I don't know how else it could have happened. Do you really dare, sir, in front of me to my face to cling to that fantastic tale you told the police that rigmarole? You're damn right I do. I had hoped here together we were prepared to get down to reality. It would have been better to adopt your suggestion to take my information to the police. Perhaps I made no such suggestion in this room, Mr. Colvin, some 15 minutes ago. No. I see. Oh, it's impossible to get on solid ground with a man like you. But I still have to try. James. Yes, sir? Playback of tape. Yes, sir. Tape. But you made a tape. You'll see. We sometimes find it necessary. But you can't do that, can you? We have done that. Are you ready, Arie? Yes, you're just about. They'll let you do it. It's not that, Mr. Coleman. Not at all. I only doubt if it's worth it to you, considering the size of my minimum fee to hire me for anything so trivial as finding a stolen gun. No, no ar today I shouldn't. Oh, I'm sorry. I rewounded too far. I must have do it myself. I said I'm sorry. It's hard to be accurate in such a hurry. There at. You'll be right. My license. The police don't want to add murder. The central and dominant factor is the violent death of Mr. Goetz, and I propose to deal with that at length. Now, if we can get that settled. You told Ms. Lowell you know who killed him. If so, why don't you tell the police? That ought to settle it. You don't mean that, Mr. Colvin. You're damn right I mean. It. Then is a misunderstanding. That's enough, Archie. Now, Mr. Colvin, I call that had a suggestion that I take my information to the police. Wouldn't you? You. You recorded it when I came here the first time you heard the tape. Well, then why haven't I given it to the police? On Monday evening when inspector Kramer came to see me, I still considered you as my client. And I didn't want to discomfort you until I heard what you had to say. Before Mr. Kramer left, he'd made himself so un offensive that I was disinclined to tell him anything ever. Now you are no longer my client. What are you going to do? Well, to begin with, I'm going to unmask a murderer. So let's get at it, shall we? What do we know about him? Or her? We know a great deal. First, he took Colvin's gun from the drawer sometime previous to last Friday and kept it somewhere. Because that gun was returned to the drawer when Goodwin's return was removed shortly before Guest was killed.
C
Wait a minute. Mr. Colvin's gun was in the draw Sunday morning. Byron and I saw it.
B
That's right. We'll come to that in a moment. Second, he knew the purpose of Coven's visit to me and of Goodwin's errand at the coven house on Monday. And he knew the details of the procedure planned by Coven and Goodwin only. I don't know the movement yet. Neither do I.
C
None of us do.
B
The innocent can afford ignorance. Enjoy it if you have it. Third, his mental processes are devious, but come defective. His deliberate plan to make it appear that Goodwin had killed Getz, while ingenious in some respects, was witless in others. Going to Colvin's office to exchange guns, proceeding to Getz's room, shooting him in the head, using a pillow to muffle his own. All that was competently conceived and daringly executed. But then what? Wanting to make sure that the gun would be found on the spot, he slipped it into the monkey's cage. That was probably improvisation, but it was utterly brainless. Mr. Goodwin couldn't possibly be such a vapid fool. Fourth, he hated the monkey deeply and bitterly, either on its own account or because of its own association with Getz. Having just killed a man and needing to leave the spot with all possible speed, he went and opened a window from only one conceivable motive. That took a peculiar, indeed an unexampled malevolence. Now, I admit it was effective. Ms. Lowell tells me the monkey is dying. Fifth, he placed Coven's gun in the drawer. And Sunday morning, the day before the murder and after it had been seen there, took it out again. Why? It could only have been that he'd already planned what was going to happen on Monday and he was arranging in advance to discredit Mr. Goodwin's story. So he not only put the gun in the drawer Sunday morning, he also made sure its presence would be noted. You saw the gun in the drawer, Mr. Hildebrand? Yes, but I didn't put it there. Your claim to innocence has not been challenged. You went upstairs to consult Mr. Covan?
C
Yes.
B
You encountered Mrs. Coin one flight up. We're told by her that Mr. Colvin was still in bed? Yes. You went into the office, found Ms. Lowell there? Yes. And you pulled the drawer open and both of you saw the gun there?
C
That's right.
B
I didn't go there to look in that drawer. Stop meeting accusations that haven't been made. It's a bad habit. Had you been upstairs earlier that morning? No. Had he, Ms. Lowell?
C
Not that I know of. Our looking into the drawer was only incidental.
B
Had he, Mrs. Copeland?
C
Had he what?
B
Had Mr. Hildebrandt been upstairs earlier that morning?
C
Earlier than what?
B
You met him in the second floor hall and told him that your husband was still in bed. And that Ms. Lowell was up in the office. Now, had he been upstairs before that that morning?
C
I haven't the slightest.
B
You don't say that he had been.
C
I don't know a thing about it.
B
There's nothing as safe as ignorance or as dangerous. Now, to complete the list of what we know about the murderer, sixth and last. His repugnance to Getz was so extreme that he even scorned the risk that by killing Getz he might be killing Dazzle Dan. How essential Getz was to Dazzle Dan. I make Dazzle Dan. Dazzle Danny's mine. I am Dazzle Dan.
C
For God's sake, shut up, Harry.
B
Well, I've identified the murderer for you by now, Shirley.
C
You have not.
B
Then I'll specify. But first let me say a word for the police, particularly Mr. Kramer. What flummoxed Mr. Kramer was Mr. Colvin's elaborate lie apparently corroborated by Ms. Lowell and Mr. Hildebrand. If he'd proceeded on the assumption Mr. Goodwin and I were telling the truth, he would have found it simple. This should be a lesson to him. Now then, the murderer. Mr. Jordan. Yes? You're eliminated because you weren't there Sunday morning to place the gun in the drawer. Mr. Hildebrandt. What? You were there Sunday morning but you had made no earlier trip upstairs. Yes, Ms. Lo.
C
Oh, for God's sake, will you get to the point?
B
You didn't know why Mr. Colvin had called Mr. Goodwin. There. Hold it, Inspector Kramer. What would you do? Damn you, Wolf, you and your game. If you had only given it to us. I can't give you what you won't take. You can have a her. Now you want more help. Mr. Colvin was still in bed Sunday morning when two of them saw the gun on the drawer. More. Spend some time with Mr. Hildebrand. I'll stake my license against your badge that he'll remember that when he spoke with Mrs. Colvin in the hall, she said something that caused him to open the drawer and look at the gun still more. Take the contents of her room to your laboratory. She must have hidden the gun among her intimate things. And you should find evidence.
C
Take me home, Harry.
B
Marcy.
C
I said take me home.
B
Sit down, Marcy. I'll handle this. If you've got a record of what I said here Saturday. All right, I lied to the cops. So what? I didn't know.
C
Be quiet, Harry. Get a lawyer and let him talk.
B
Don't say anything. That's good advice, especially Mr. Colvin. Since I haven't quite finished. As a matter of record, that Mr. Goetz not only owned the house you live in, but also that he owned Dazzled Dan and permitted you to take only 10% of the proceeds. In one episode, repeated annually, he buys peaches from two characters named Aggie Ghoul and Haggie Cruel. And Aggie Ghoul, saying that she owns the tree, gives haggie cruel 10% of the amount received and pockets the rest. It's a childish allegory. A.G. are the initials Adrian gets. Peggy Crew has the same initials as you, Mr. Coleman. Now, it's not credible that that's coincidence not repeated annually. Mr. Getz must have had a singularly contorted psyche, taking delight, as he did in compelling you each year to publish that for a meager 10%. Not of the net, 10% of the gross over 400 a week.
C
You worm. What? I said, you worm. Not even a word.
B
Worm.
C
Worms have guts, don't they? The one time you ever acted like a man and you didn't have the guts to see it through.
B
I don't know what you're doing.
C
You're right, Mr. Wolf. Getz own Dazzle Dan. He took Harry in years ago to front it and draw it. Harry should have insisted on an even split right then, but he didn't. When Dazzle Dan caught on and kept getting bigger and bigger, gets to didn't mind Harry having the name and the fame. As long as he owned it and got the money, he was a vampire.
B
Yeah, I'll accept that.
C
When I found out how it was, I tried to talk some sense into Harry. I told him his name had been connected with Dazzle Dan so long that Getz would have to give him a bigger share, at least half if he demanded it. But Harry just wasn't man enough to be that. I didn't let up. I kept after him. I admit that. I'll admit it on the witness stand if I have to. And I admit I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. I didn't know there was any danger of making him desperate enough to commit murder. I didn't know he had it in him. Of course you break down. But if you said I knew that he decided to kill Getz, I'll have to deny it because it's not true.
B
I didn't, Marcy. Ah, I see. First you plan to put it On a stranger, Mr. Goodwin, and failing that, you put it on your husband. No, madam. Your silliest mistake was opening the window to kill the Monkey. But there were others, including underestimating my confidence in Mr. Goodwin. Mr. Kramer. Starring in today's episode were Maver Moore as Miro Wolf, Don Franks as Archie Goodwin and Cease Linder as Inspector Kramer. Jack Creeler as Harry Cobham, Tricia Collins, Pat Lowell, Sherry Fletch, Marcel Croban, David Humblen, Adrian Getz, Richard Monette, Pete Jordan and Eric Peterson. Was Hildebrand. Music was composed and conducted by Don Gillis. Technical operations, John Jessup. Sound effects, Bill Robinson. Production assistant was Nancy McElveen and casting consultant Anne Weldon Tate. The squirt on the Monkey was written and produced in Toronto.
C
Well, this is my extravagance.
B
It's my only one. How long have you been with this sperm?
C
Five years.
Episode: Nero Wolfe 82-03-20: The Squirt and the Monkey
Release Date: November 10, 2025
Podcast: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Source: Golden Age of Radio adaptation of Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe story
This episode transports listeners into the world of Nero Wolfe as he and Archie Goodwin unravel a knotty puzzle involving stolen guns, comic-strip creators, and a murder in a household of creative egos. The story, “The Squirt and the Monkey,” is layered with insider squabbles, a dying monkey, and more than a few red herrings, all delivered in the classic hardboiled banter that defines the beloved detective series.
(Starts ~00:27)
“Calling him something that will make him sore. And eventually I'll come to a boil and pure out of bread to make Adrian Getz sore. And I'll be fired. And I can be an artist again instead of doodling out Dazzle Dan. It's a plan.”
— Pete Jordan, (03:00)
(Main action: 08:12–11:16, 13:25–17:39)
“Those who don't know you had a gun there. But they do know. All of them. Certainly. Everybody knows everything around here.”
— Harry Colvin, (09:32)
(Discovery at 17:46)
“The squirt was lying on the couch, but he wasn't taking a nap. The hole in his skull was just northeast of his right ear and the blood had run over the edge of the couch onto the floor. … Adrian Getz was through taking naps.”
— Archie Goodwin, (17:51)
(Interrogation: 20:00–29:45)
(Press and Gossip: 29:45–34:03)
“It’s a childish allegory. AG are the initials Adrian Getz. Haggie Cruel has the same initials as you, Mr. Colvin. Now, it’s not credible that that’s coincidence not repeated annually.”
— Nero Wolfe, (53:24)
(Wolf’s Office: 39:00–54:00)
“No, madam. Your silliest mistake was opening the window to kill the monkey. But there were others, including underestimating my confidence in Mr. Goodwin.”
— Nero Wolfe, (55:00)
(Fallout: 54:12–56:00+)
“The only difference between me and a messenger boy was that I was taking a taxi instead of the subway to his house on 76th Street.”
(00:27)
“And eventually I'll come to a boil and pure out of bread to make Adrian Getz sore. And I'll be fired. And I can be an artist again...”
(03:00)
“The squirt was lying on the couch, but he wasn't taking a nap. The hole in his skull was just northeast of his right ear...”
(17:51)
“AG are the initials Adrian Getz. Haggie Cruel has the same initials as you, Mr. Colvin. … It’s a childish allegory.”
(53:24)
“No, madam. Your silliest mistake was opening the window to kill the monkey. But there were others, including underestimating my confidence in Mr. Goodwin.”
(55:00)
“He was a vampire.”
(54:12)
| Segment | Time | |-------------------------------------|-----------| | Intro, Setup & Character Banter | 00:27–05:40 | | Archie & Colvin’s Detective Demo Plan | 08:12–11:16 | | Discovery of Murder (Getz) | 17:46–18:00 | | Police Investigation and Interrogation | 20:00–29:45 | | Motives, Gossip, and Dazzle Dan Allegory | 29:45–34:03 | | Wolfe’s Final Confrontation (Revelation) | 39:00–55:00 | | Aftermath and Closing Reflections | 55:00–56:00+ |
The episode is a deliciously tangled web of witty repartee, bitter personal feuds, and classic detective deduction. Delivered with that characteristic blend of sardonic humor, impatience, and erudition, it’s a perfect specimen of the old-time radio mystery, showing how the rot at the heart of a creative partnership can, when seasoned with resentment and money, prove deadly.
For listeners new and old, “The Squirt and the Monkey” is both a classic Nero Wolfe puzzle and a sly commentary on showbiz egos, money, and the creative life.