← Harold's Old Time Radio
Loading summary
Transcript38 lines
- [00:01]
A
I'm here with Spinquest, where you can play and win from the comfort of your own home with hundreds of slot games and all of the table games you love with real cash prizes. Right now, $30 coin packs are on sale for $10. For new users, it's all@spinquest.com that's S-P-I-N Q U-E-T.com SpinQuest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.
- [00:42]
Now listen to orson welles with ray collins in the plot to overthrow christmas by norman corwin.
- [00:53]
This Is My Best, Starring Orson Welles with Ray Collins in the Christmas Story, chosen from among his best works, especially for this program by America's master radio poet Norman Corwin.
- [01:11]
America's best stars in the World's best stories. This Is My Best, presented each week for your entertainment by Cresta Blanca Presta Blanca.
- [01:42]
Sheltered from the ocean breezes, nestled among green rolling hills, nurtured by the friendly sunlight, cooled by softly falling rain, There the vines of Cresta Blanca, bursting forth in their green glory, growing, bearing heavy laden, bring the grapes to luscious fullness, so the vintner quickly harvests presses from them. Golden goodness tends it gently now to rest till at last the wine is ready. Shimmering, fragrant, full of flavor. Masterpiece of his perfection, and he hails it proudly, saying, this is My Best. This is Cuesta Blanca.
- [02:33]
Good evening, this is Orson Welles. I'm very flattered indeed for the chance to be appearing so soon again on this Is My Best. Very particularly in the radio best we have for you tonight. Best is a big word, but it isn't too big for Norman Corwin, who is certainly and beyond all argument the best writer the medium has produced. And best is a big word, but it isn't too big for Ray Collins either, who shoulders the greater part of tonight's divertisement. If you know of a better actor in radio, please send me his name. I can use him in the mercury. Here then is Radio's Best, a script by Corwin. And here's Corwin's very best for the holidays, a delicious and utterly delirious rigadoon of a thing entitled the Plot to Overthrow Christmas. Genly's Crest of Blanca Wine presents the Plot to Overthrow Christmas by Norman Corwin, starring Orson Welles as Nero, with Ray Collins as Santa Claus on this Is My Best.
- [03:34]
Did you hear about the Plot to Overthrow Christmas? Well, gather ye now from Maine to the Isthmus of Panama and listen to the story of the utter inglory of Some gory goings on in hell. Now, it happened in Hades, ladies and gentlemen. It happened down there that the fiends held a meeting. The fiends held a meeting for the purpose of defeating Christmas with the aid of a fade. A fade on the radio. We'll take you there with a high and a Haiti hole to hear firsthand the brewing of the plot down in the deepest steep. A grot is a poetical term for grotto Whenever you hear my voce Sato or sato voce, whichever you prefer. It's just I taking pains to make quite sure that nobody makes a poetical allusion which might in any way create confusion. I return you now to the voice you are hearing. Before I had to do this interfering. As I was saying, in this Stygian grot the notables of Limbo hatched a plot. And what went on in the sulfurous hole will soon pick up by remote control. You mustn't mind if it sounds erratic. That's merely intra terrestrial static. And don't be surprised if you're deafened by thunder just as we start on our journey under. And so below via radio to the regions where legions of the damned go.
- [05:01]
It.
- [05:43]
Nero.
- [05:45]
Are you here? Oh, Nero. How dare you interrupt me in the middle of a movement of my favorite concerto. You should look to the improvement of your manners. Sir, if you please. My apologies. I would not have been intruded upon your recital if the matters were not so terribly vital. The most important matter in the world is piddling when it comes to be compared with Nero's fiddling. Now, what you say may be very true, but I have been sent here to summon you to a great mass meeting of the tortured souls down in the grott of the flaming coals. Why are we meeting? Who's on the spot? We're meeting in order to fabricate a plot. A plot against the festival that mortal men comfort in and gladden in again and again, you see, every year. Never mind the facts. I don't want to hear how mortal man acts. The only information about which I care concerns the mass meeting. And who will be there? His wickedness. Mephisto will preside, naturally, and several of the Borgias will be sitting at his side. And down in front by the sizzling podium will be many personalities known for their Odin, Odium, Haman, Caliglia, Medusa and Lagree. That's all very nice, but what about me? Oh, you'll be sitting in Roe center between Ivan the Terrible, the tormentor and Ceci Mercy. Why, they both deranged do you. Do you wish me to see if your seat can be changed? Yes, if you will, please. Taste comes first, even though a soul may be eternally cursed. Right. Oh. See you at the meeting, then. Yes. And now back to my fiddling again.
- [07:14]
This is I, the soto voce person. It should have been explained that Nero is rehearsing for nothing in particular. He's just that way. While hell's fires burns, he likes to play. It makes him feel a little more at home. It's just an avocation he picked up at Rome.
- [07:38]
The meeting will now come to order. Please. I've called you here from over 60 seas of boiling peace, pitch and blazing phosphorus to stop what constitutes a loss for us. And this is the reason. Though we've done well in carrying forward the work of Hell, we've left a very big job unfinished after all these years. There is undiminished goodwill on earth every late December because of Christmas. Now, please remember that as long as this continues to be, the race of men will not belong to me. I will listen now to any questions you may want to ask and then suggestions. Mr. Chairman. Mr. Chairman, Brother Heyman has the flaw. You say we've done well in our efforts to sell evil. I say we've done better. We have carried out the letter of your law. We've done what I think is a pretty good job. And I say as a veteran. Demon. See down there, Heyman. Enough of this valley. Sit down yourself. You're off your trolley. Sit down. For I am Ivan the Terrible. You're telling us why, you're unbearable. Hello, demons. This is no way to act. Please proceed with a little more tact. I want more decorum in this forum. These personal remarks you make must cease.
- [09:05]
Now. Brother Ivan, will you speak your peace? I merely want to say in a casual way that Heyman is a radical. He always gets fanatical. Why, anybody think to hear him snort that the work of the devil should just stop short? Mr. Chairman, Brother Ivan is a demagogue with a brain like a fly and the manners of a hog. He says that.
- [09:28]
We will hear from others. Surely they must be among you, Brother. Enough of venom and malevolence to crush a mortal man's benevolence. It's come to this. Are we going to let a little holiday like Christmas get the better of us all down here below? No. No, no, no, no. Very well then, sirs. Very well. Let's go. Let's lay down our plans now to overthrow this Christmas business and all that guff of holly and mistletoe and stuff. Mr. Chairman. Mr. Chairman. Mr. Brother Caligula may take the floor. Mr. Chairman, I abhor as a former emperor anything which curbs our rule. Let us give some presents too. Candy sticks and things to chew Fruits and nuts and little cakes poisonous as rattlesnakes. Bravo. Let our subtlest worker be Bichloride of mercury Let us wrap in tinsel bright little gifts of dynamite work things so that men will feed when 12:25 draws near soon, at this rate, if you please men will hang from Christmas tree.
- [10:34]
My dear Caligula, permit the chair to say that we think you've got something there. And now with this fine start, let's hear some more. Yes, Brother Nero, do you want the floor? With all due respect to Caligula's views I think there's a better method we can use. I've heard just lately men are giving the razz to classical music by making it jazz they're swinging Bach and what is keener they're doing the shag to Palestriiner As a connoisseur of music, of course I love the works of Rimsy Corsica but today I note with a bitter shrug They've made Scheherazade a jitterbug Much as we admire your clever rhyme. Will you get to the point? We're wasting time. I was just about to say when interrupted that Christmas can easily be corrupted if you take and swing all the Christmas carols I think of the evil Just barrels and barrels of sacrilege Every time you play a pious song in a profane way why, once you entice them to swing Noel Then victory belongs to us fiends. Well.
- [11:37]
Mr. Chairman. Mr. Chairman. Mr. Legree, I'd like to say that it seems to me that you all is barking up a coolness tree. I think Mr. Nero has made a wrong guess. The way to go about it is to get in Congress and bribe a bunch of senators who know their oats and just make a purchase of a block of boats they can all get together and pass a law where there ain't gonna be no Christmas anymore. I think Legree's suggestion is abuse. It's very cute and quite astute by the eternal night. That's right, Mr. Chairman. Mr. Chairman. Yes, Ms. Borgia? I say that we should all give pause to think about this Santa Claus. He is the man behind the scenes the symbol of what Christmas means. If we could rub him out, my friend, our troubles would be at an end. Just think how it would tickle us to liquidate St Nicholas. A girl like me could fascinate the guy and then assassinate. Do you think that you could do it, pretty one? Are you sure you wouldn't be by pity one? Sometimes you are an awful tease, my master, Mephistopheles. Ain't I murdered several dozens poison uncles, aunts and cousins, men of virtue, all have cussed me. I'm sure that you can trust me. Of that we haven't a particle of doubt, Ms. Borgia. I'm sure we all have nothing but kind feelings toward you. But many times a woman spy, alas the doors her victims dens make poor ambassadors. Do you imply that such defects are found inherent in my sex? That I do. Well, listen here, old Ironsides. You're heading for some cyanides. You've crossed the Borgia and you know the consequences that follow. Come, come, disciples. This is very bad. There's nothing to be gained by getting mad. Now, suppose we put the matter to a vote. All those in favor of the motion made by fiend Caligula, which was to shade the glamour of a holiday by using selected poisons of our choosing. All those in favor will please signify by rising to their feet and saying Aye. Aye. One vote in favor. Caligula's. And those opposed. The motion is defeated. Up we bring the plan of brother Nero's viz. To swing the hymns and pious music. All those four will please respond by raising up a paw. Four. And those against?
- [14:08]
Very well. Now the project of Legree's. Who is there here who totally agrees? I do. Legree votes for himself. And those opposed? Opposed. And now all those who favor Borgia's cause, it being to eliminate Santa Claus. Aye. Aye. Aye. And those opposed?
- [14:30]
It seems the women have a way with them. At least they have carried the day with them.
- [14:38]
Soldiers. Carried. Now we'll decide which one of us will take Nick for a ride. We'll all draw lots and thus settle the moot point of who'll be sent to execute.
- [14:52]
You are listening to this is my best. And in just a few moments we'll tell you the rest. But ere we return to the story of strife. A word, if you please. Of a season that's rife with greetings and goodies and food served so fine with the elegant touch of a good table wine. A good table wine. Cresta Blanca, California. Sauterne. A wine that is golden, delicious and light. A wine that will earn you praises galore. A distinctive dry wine that will add extra zest to your Christmas Day dinner. Made up of the best, the Name once again. Presta Blanca Sauternes. And now back to the story so we may all learn from our old friend Sotto Voce visiting down where it's eternal Noche. This is your old friend Sotto Voce, visiting down where it's eternal Noche. Nochi is Spanish for nights, you know. Merely a reference just to show that English isn't all I have to go by. Oh, well, I guess I've missed my calling. I should have been a lobbyist. You see, I'm stalling to give them time to finish the voting. Let's see the weather now. I'm quoting the daily hellion. Continued heat both overhead and under feet, light showers of brimstone toward the evening hours. Oh, that's what it says here. I'm not fibbing. How am I doing in my ad libbing? This is a thing a gab would have fun with. Say, the drawing should soon be done with. We expect the results at any moment now. As soon as we.
- [16:18]
Lots have been drawn. And I'm glad to say the honor has fallen Nero's way. Now, Nero, you are charged with a great task. It's the evilest deed that we could ask a fiend to do. We'll be proud of you. Just one moment. How do I get there? What do I wear? Is it dry or wet there? Is it fact or fancy or just word of mouth that he lives at the Pole? Is it north or south? What shall I use when it comes to showdown? A gun or a dagger? Give me the lowdown. Now, Nero, you needn't sound so tragic. You'll get to Earth by the blackest magic. To create an express elevator is simple for an expert spell creator with a lot of pyrotechnic dazzle. We'll let you off at a hill in Basel, Switzerland. From there you will make your way to the Arctic Circle, then break your way through ice with a blowtorch. After a while you're bound to reach Santa's domicile. And once you get there, my dear Nero, all of our work will have gone for zero if you don't succeed in your assignment. I know, but first we don't succeed. We can try and try again, but there's no need because nothing will come of it. Meaning no offense, do you mind if I take my departure hence?
- [17:33]
That, my friends, was a big brass gong. It's using the story right along to indicate that we're about to travel to points where the plot will further unravel. And now, if Ambassador Nero elects, we'll have Another spot of sound effects.
- [18:07]
Tell me, stranger, is this Basil Switzerland, or is it already Doner and Blitzerland? Dunner and Blitzerland's 5,000 miles away. Thank you, mister, and good day. Help me, stranger, because I've lost document. Where am I now? In Vladivostok. Listen, stranger, after all these centuries of blistering heat, now I have to suffer from freezing feet. I'm wincing with pain from this pesky toe. I'll speak English, Eskimo.
- [18:39]
I declare by my frenetic soul, I must be over the magnetic pole. My watch has stopped. Can that be right, I wonder. A light, A light. In a moment now, you'll hear me knock on Santa's door and he'll unlock it. Never more to lock again.
- [19:01]
Coming, coming. So is doom.
- [19:06]
How do you do, sir? Very well indeed. And you, sir? Splendidly. Won't you come right in? Take your coat off. I see your chin is frozen. Also your hands and knees. Sit down while I get you some antifreeze. Don't bother, sir. I will not be long. I'm about to perpetrate a frightful wrong. In short, I'm going to do away with. Take it. Take it easy. Do not play with that gun. I know all about you. Oh, really? Haven't I had my agent scout you for weeks? You've come all this way to abolish Christmas. Now let me say, listen, Santa, I'm no callow stripling. I've read Ernest Hemingway and Kipling and also the shooting of Dan McGrew and plenty of detective stories too. And just to show you what a broad guy I am, I've also read the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. Do you think that a fellow with his reading so graded could have learned so little as to be dissuaded from a main objective? Why, don't make me giggle. I'd feel a lot better if you wouldn't wiggle that gun. So.
- [20:10]
Much as I'm impressed with your education, I honestly believe that a figure of your station should have given more thought to the ways of man and less devotion to the cult of Pam. I came to dispatch your duty, so don't hand me any of this tutti frutti. If you have any last words you want to say, then spell em. I haven't got all day. Now, now, what's the rush? Unless I've counted wrong, the polar day has always been six months long. Well, after I've disposed of you, I've got to hurry right back to hell or they'll begin to worry not about you, but about your career in homicide. Do you think that the mere loss of you would make them hysterical? Their only interest is numerical. Think so? Mephisto wants to rule just as much of humanity as possible for reasons of personal vanity by the sticks. You're right to think that he dare. Are there any ladies here? Will you permit me to swear? My answer to that is an emphatic no. There are several lady dolls in the toy room below. O Cassius. O Claudius. Oh, Naphthalene. What a fool I've been. What a fool I've been. Wait, wait. I think I see what you're after. You're as clever as a big time Roman grafter. Do you think I could be that meanly deceptive to Satan? Why, Santa, I'm keenly perceptive. I can say he'd write through all your clever ruses. Nero can be plenty foxy when he chooses. I'll have you know that I'm partly a dreamer, partly a wit and partly a schemer. I'm part philosophical and also part mystic. I suppose you fancy that you're highly artistic. Fancy? Why? I have such a sense of beauty. Don't hand me a helping of tutti frutti. Any creature who really had beauty in his soul would appreciate Christmas.
- [21:54]
Forget everything you had planned for this weekend because you are sitting on your couch and winning from the comfort of your own home. I'm here with Spinquest where you can play hundreds of slot games, all the table games you love and you could even win real cash prizes. New users $30 coin packs are on sale for 10@Spinquest.com SpinQuest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.
- [22:22]
VRBO helps you swap gift wrap time for quality time. Go to VRBO now and book a last minute week long stay and save over $390 this holiday season. Book your next vacation rental home on VRBO. Average savings $396. Select homes. Only he would know that the whole idea of the holiday was one of such power that all the fiends below might mash their fangs and flower. Yet never in a million years could do it harm. Because it has a glory, a greatness, a charm that you would know nothing about. Yes, that's so a spirit that it venerates. The good cheer that it generates are things far, far beyond you. For all your wealth, no man on earth could sell ye these. Am I so cursed as that? Will you tell me please, what beauties there may be that I have Never seen. Have you ever seen a Christmas tree, tall and green, smelling of woodlands, covered with a sheen of silverness, its branches bending low with the fruits of human kindness instead of snow? No. Have you ever closely witnessed what takes place any Christmas morning on a young child's face? Or perceived any beauties purer than the joys distilled in the hearts of little girls and boys? Have you ever watched a fire in a fireplace on a Christmas Eve? Or listened to grace at table heavy with fruits and cakes and all the wonders that a kitchen makes? Fowls and pastries, wines and meats and nuts and raisins and candied sweets. Sweets. Have you ever seen mistletoe hanging from a ceiling in frosty air? Heard a far bell peeling? Have you ever seen the beauty of a sprig of holly? Or felt for a moment how it feels to be jolly? Golly.
- [24:05]
Have you ever known how exceedingly pleasant it is to unwrap a Christmas present? Did you ever know how much cheer it lends to be wished a merry Christmas by all your friends? Did you ever experience the fun of giving? Do you know at all of the joys of living? I guess I don't. For all of me. I never knew such things could be. Just think how long in ignorance I've slept. It must have been the company you've kept. I was a wicked tyrant once, you know. Ah, yes, but that was centuries ago. You really had no way of knowing. Perhaps. I guess, that I'll be going. I really should be getting on my way. But do you have to? Don't you want to stay? Well, you see, I'm just a bit embarrassed. Well, yes, sir. No, no, don't look so harassed. I know just why you came and who it was that sent you. But that's all done with. I take it you repent you of all your past mistakes? With many pains. And then you are welcome here. Please take your hat off. Your coat. Your muffler. Also take your spat off. What happened to the other one? No matter. You're pretty thin. You'll presently be fatter. I serve good food here. I'll get you a platter of steak and mushrooms, medium or rare? I'll bet that you're as hungry as a bear. A while ago you asked me if I understood good cheer. I do. So now. Saint Nicholas. I see it standing here. I want to ask you something, sir. Now, now, please don't give me up. Is there any sort of work to do where I can be of help? Indeed there is. Indeed there is. And I Am glad you asked me. I have so many toys to make this year the jobs got past me. But first you sit and eat this bowl. I've got a little trifle I'd like for you to see. So will you sit right here and stifle your curiosity? I'll get it for you right away. Well, well, who'd ever think it? Will wonders never cease? At last, after all these centuries, I'm so happy I could buzz. Well, here it is. Nero, my boy, by way of Christmas presents I offer you this little gift. Oh, but Santa, for what reason? A very good one, sir. To wit, compliments of the season. Well, go ahead and open it. Why stand there so reflecting? I'm just collecting thoughts, St Nicholas, my thoughts. I'm just collecting. Just think how far a tiny bit of fellowship will carry us. Oh, well. I say, what's this? What's this? It's a Stradivarius. Why thank you. Thanks a million times. I don't know what to say to you. I'll tell you what I'll do, St. Nick. I'll start right in and play for you. I'll play, I'll play, I'll play, I'll play, I'll play all night and day for you. Fine. Here's some music. I'm sure you'll play it. Well, it's a little piece entitled Noel, Noel.
- [26:59]
This is I. Remember me, your subtle bocchi Friend, I've just come back to tell you that the story's at an end.
- [27:25]
We join the audience here in Hollywood and applauding Orson Welles and Ray Collins in Norman Corwin's the flop Warburth Roll Christmas. Tonight's story on this is my best presented by shenley's crestablanca wine. Mr. Wells will be back in a moment to tell you about next week. And now once more, Here is John McIntyre, your Cresta Blanca host.
- [27:45]
Perhaps one of the most interesting accounts of Christmas in early colonial days is of a dinner given by a prominent Virginia family. The festive Christmas table abounded with an elegant variety of turkeys, roast beef, ve ducks, hams, puddings, jellies, oranges, apples, nuts, figs and a variety of fine wines and punches. Today in America, our meals are less elaborate. However, it's still in the best American tradition to serve a fine wine like Presta Blanca with the Christmas dinner. It will lend a charming a friendly touch to your festive Christmas table. Choose the Cresta Blanca California wine your guests like best and serve it well chilled. It may be a white table wine like Chablis or Riesley. Or it may be a red table wine like Burgundy or Claret. No matter what type of wine you choose, as long as the words Cresta Blanca are on the bottle, you can rest assured you are serving the crest of quality in wine since 1889. And now, Orson Welles.
- [28:52]
Thank you, thank you. And I'm sp speaking also for two of the finest performers who ever stood before a microphone, Ray Collins, who was Santa Claus tonight, and John Brown, who was the devil. And now about next week's offering on this is My Best. I'm looking forward to it. It's a pleasure to tell you about it. Now, two great American humorists are involved. The writer and artist James Thurber, from whose antique gallery of sorrowful dogs, wistful little men and monstrous women has been chosen a strange and I think entirely perfect study, the Secret Life of Walter Mitty. The other great humorist involved is a writer, too, and a very fine one. But you know him just as well and love him as an actor. He will play Walter Mitty and nobody anywhere ever could play it better than Robert Benchley. I know we'll all be listening, and till then, it's my privilege to remain, as always, obediently yours.
- [29:48]
Leblanca's new program is prepared in collaboration with Whit Burnett, editor of the book this Is My Best. The music is composed and conducted by Bernard Katz. Ray Collins will soon be seen in Metro Golden Mayor's the Hidden Eye. Don't forget next week when your star on this is My Best will be Robert Benchley in the Secret Life of Walter Mitty. And remember, whenever you dine, dine with wine and make it the best wines. B R E S T A B L A M C A Presta Blanca. Presta Blanca.
- [30:23]
This is My Best. The presentation of the Crestablanca Wine Company of Livermore, California, came to you from Columbia's playhouse in Hollywood. Owen James speaking. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System, WBS Columbus.
- [30:41]
Forget everything you had planned for this weekend because you are sitting on your couch and winning from the comfort of your own home. I'm here with Spinquest where you can play hundreds of slot games, all the table games you love, and you could even win real cash prizes. New users 30 coin packs are on sale for 10@Spinquest.com SpinQuest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.
- [31:09]
This holiday season, reach for the one butter that never disappoints. Kerrygold. Made with milk from grass fed cows on Irish family Farms. It's rich, creamy and perfect for baking, whether browning butter for cookies or crafting the flakiest pie crust. Kerrygold's high butterfat content makes all the difference in flavor and texture. Holiday treats will taste extraordinary.