Project Santa Claus

Summary

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Harold's Old Time Radio – "Project Santa Claus"

Date: December 19, 2025
Summary by Podcast Summarizer

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Overview

This episode of "Harold’s Old Time Radio" features a satirical and sharply witty radio play, "Project Santa Claus", echoing the style of classic British comedy. The story explores a bumbling civil servant's accidental uncovering of a government conspiracy to privatize and commercialize Christmas. With fast-paced banter, lampooning of bureaucracy, and a healthy dose of seasonal cynicism, the episode is both a parody of office life and a pointed commentary on the commercialization of holidays.

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Key Discussion Points and Story Beats

1. The Civil Service at Christmas

• Setting:
  Modern office in Whitehall, during Christmas season.
• Atmosphere:
  Festive cynicism permeates – decorations, office parties, and last-minute holiday prep with an underlying sense of weariness and bureaucracy.
• Notable Quote:

  “Christmas is like when you’ve got a pneumatic drill going outside your window…there’s that blissful moment when it stops and there’s quiet. But you know that any second now it’s going to start up again.”
  — Michael Downhill (02:21)

2. Cynicism and Commercialization

• Characters Debate Christmas:
  Michael Downhill (the earnest civil servant) and his sardonic colleague spar over Christmas’s meaning and its over-commercialization.
• Memorable Zingers:

  “The only white Christmas we can dream about is the one with nuclear fallout all over it.”
  — Michael's Colleague/Friend (03:33)

3. The Great Diary Mystery

• Plot Moves:
  Michael tries to obtain the annual departmental diaries, an office tradition, but finds them missing or unprinted—something is amiss.
  • His mother harangues him over the phone, demanding the diaries for family gifts.
• Comic Bureaucracy:

  “The DTI diary for 1987 is right on schedule for delivery in 1991. Sounds like fairly standard civil service forward planning to me.”
  — Michael’s Friend (04:14)

4. Absurdities of Christmas Traditions

• In the pub, Michael's friends lampoon traditional Christmas customs and gifts, especially the infamous giving of myrrh and the logic of bringing a Christmas tree into one’s living room.
• Quote:

  “If the three wise men were so wise, then how come they judged that the most suitable present for a newborn baby boy was precious metal and myrrh? ... More like the three not very knowledgeable about postnatal gifts.”
  — Stationery Store Clerk (08:50)

5. Discovery of Project Santa Claus

• Turning Point:
  Michael sneaks into the stationery store and finds stacks of diaries. Crucially, the date “Christmas Day” is missing from December 25.
• Secret Codes:
  Hints at a government secret, “PSC”.
• Bureaucratic Paranoia:
  Michael and his friend Ian access the government’s mainframe to look up “PSC,” triggering security alarms.
• Key Exposé:

  “Project Santa Claus… comprises the government’s ongoing plans for the privatization and selling off of Christmas to private industry.”
  — (16:21)

6. Absurd Consequences—Christmas for Sale

• Satirical Corporate Takeover:
  • Father Christmas franchised to Hitachi.
  • Christmas cards sold to British Gas.
  • Carols and crackers franchised out to corporations.
  • Christmas being moved to June 29 for optimal “tourist season”; possibly two Christmases a year.
• Notable Sketch:

  “Henceforth, Santa Claus will be known as Hitachi Santa Claus. Every magic sleigh will have to carry the legend Hitachi on its side.”
  — Narrator/Commentator (22:45)
  “...Three wise men bearing gold, frankincense, and a gas fire.”
  — Narrator/Commentator (23:07)

7. Farce of Bureaucratic Security

• Michael is detained and interrogated in Room 102 (Room 101—of Orwell fame—is under renovation).
• His innocent mentions of “Auntie Maureen” and “Uncle Tom” are mistaken for KGB code words.
• Self-Deprecating Humor:

  “The only secret I’m privy to is whether Huddersfield might get a new ring road in 1998.”
  — Michael Downhill (20:17)

8. Resolution & Government Meltdown

• Michael’s mother bursts in, inadvertently saving her son and preventing the cover-up.
• News breaks: the Christmas privatization plan leaks to the public. Chaos ensues—political resignations, press pandemonium.
• News Montage Parody:
  • Govt. approval ratings plummet.
  • The PM (parodying Margaret Thatcher) denies responsibility, blames her absence from Cabinet.
  • The plan’s absurdity sparks international crisis and the Prime Minister’s expected resignation.
• Satirical Headlines:

  “A spokesman described the figures as a typical midterm setback.”
  — News Reporter (27:20)

9. It Was All a Dream?

• The episode ends with the PM waking up, apparently from a nightmare—until the idea is inadvertently pitched again at a party.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the endless cycle of bureaucracy and Christmas:

  “Christmas is like when you’ve got a pneumatic drill going outside your window… there’s that blissful moment when it stops and there’s quiet. But any second now it’s going to start up again.”
  — Michael Downhill (02:21)

• On Christmas gifts:

  “Last year I gave my nephew a neutron destructor craft he’d been on about for months. He gave me a splitting headache.”
  — Michael’s Colleague (03:05)

• On government slow-walking:

  “The DTI diary for 1987 is right on schedule for delivery in 1991.”
  — Michael’s Friend (04:14)

• On myrrh and wise men:

  “If the three wise men were so wise… the three naff men, more like.”
  — Stationery Store Clerk (08:50)

• The chilling reveal:

  “Project Santa Claus comprises the government’s ongoing plans for the privatization and selling off of Christmas to private industry.”
  — Computer Output (16:21)

• On Christmas being moved to June:

  “Not abolishing it. Moving it. June 29, so we can catch the tourist season.”
  — Narrator/Commentator (20:49)

• On commercial Christmas:

  “...Santa Claus will be known as Hitachi Santa Claus. Every magic sleigh must carry the legend ‘Hitachi’ on its side.”
  — Narrator/Commentator (22:45)

• On secret knowledge:

  “We may have to wipe your brain.”
  — Narrator/Commentator (20:25)
  “Three years on the Civil Service has done that already.”
  — Michael Downhill (20:29)

• On crisis in Parliament:

  “Order.” — Parliament (25:49)
  “Oh shut up, you bunch of morons.” — Stationery Store Clerk (25:51)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:35 – 02:51: Opening scene, setting the office and cynical holiday mood
• 04:05 – 05:39: The diary debacle unfolds
• 08:10 – 09:40: Satirizing Christmas traditions in the pub
• 10:17 – 11:44: Michael discovers the diary anomaly
• 13:09 – 16:21: Breaking into the computer, discovering Project Santa Claus
• 16:23 – 17:09: Readout and summary of Project Santa Claus revealed
• 18:43 – 21:20: Interrogation and further reveals about commercializing Christmas
• 24:23 – 24:48: Mrs. Downhill saves the day
• 25:57 – 28:33: Post-leak chaos: government, press, and public in uproar
• 28:44 – 29:15: “It was all a dream”—until the idea returns

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Tone and Style

• Language: Witty, British, layered with puns, banter, political references.
• Mood: Satirical, farcical, affectionate mockery of both tradition and government.
• Pace: Fast, sharp exchanges and classic radio comedy dialogue.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

"Project Santa Claus" is a delightfully absurd and politically charged spoof of both Christmas and government bureaucracy, riffing on civil service inefficiency, the commercialization of holidays, and well-worn festive traditions. It deftly balances satire and nostalgia, with a touch of social commentary—the perfect holiday offering for fans of thoughtful comedy and classic radio drama.

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Cast & Credits:

• Tony Slattery as Michael Downhill
• Joan Sims as Mrs. Downhill
• David Tate as Ian
• Hugh Dennis as James
• Sally Grace as Mrs. Thatcher
• Richard O’Brien as Ambridge
• Written by Steve Punt, produced by David Tyler

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Transcript

[Narrator/Advertiser]

This holiday season, reach for the one butter that never disappoints. Kerrygold. Made with milk from grass fed cows on Irish family farms, it's rich, creamy and perfect for baking. Whether browning butter for cookies or crafting the flakiest pie crust, Kerrygold's high butterfat content makes all the difference in flavor and texture. Holiday treats will taste extraordinary.

[Narrator/Commentator]

It's Christmas in Whitehall. As the December sun drops from the sky like an ill tied bauble off a tree, the bewitching hour is near. The civil servants who inhabit the great glass warrens of SW1 send each other Christmas cards signed in triplicate. Across the lighted ceilings are webbed tangled skeins of coloured paper replacing the usual tangled skeins of red tape. Mistletoe shrivels next to fluorescent tube merry pinstripers leap Frau Milch and Volleyvant their way through office parties and spend their lunch hours wandering the credit card caverns of Oxford Street. The spell is complete. Soon the VDU op will be released from her terminal trance before the dancing green digits daisy wheels will cease clacking, strip lights will abandon their buzzing, telephones will end their shrilling and the celestial finger will push the start button and snow will begin printing out from the heavens. It is the season of peace and goodwill to all menials.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Humbug.

[Michael Downhill]

Pardon, sir?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

I said humbug. Would you like a humbug?

[Michael Downhill]

Oh, no, thanks. Trying to cut down on sweets and stuff. I'll be eating enough of those over the festive season.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Ah, the festive season. The time when all ruthless bureaucrats start crawling up chimneys instead of up senior backsides and prove they have a heart after all by lining it with cholesterol for a week. I can't stand Christmas.

[Michael Downhill]

No, I like it. It's a time for the children.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

A time for spending money on the children, you mean. Anyway, you haven't got any children.

[Michael Downhill]

Yeah, I was one once. Anyway, I still enjoy Christmas. I always feel Christmas is like when you've got a pneumatic drill going outside your window. Suddenly there's that blissful moment when it stops and there's quiet. But you know that any second now it's going to start up again. That's how I think of Christmas really. A moment of silence before the pneumatic drill of life starts bashing away again.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

I must arrange a transfer for you to the Ministry of Metaphors. Michael.

[Michael Downhill]

Who was it said it's better to give than to receive?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Well, it wasn't the Department of Health and Social Security.

[Michael Downhill]

No, no, no, it's in the Bible, isn't it?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Well, the dhss. I don't think so. Mind you would make sense. They had to have the baby in a stable, didn't they? Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's cohabitant. No, no.

[Michael Downhill]

Someone said all that giving and receiving stuff in the Bible.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Yeah, it's rubbish. Anyway, last year I gave my nephew a neutron destructor craft he'd been on about for months. He gave me a splitting headache.

[Michael Downhill]

Well, I think Christmas is nice.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Anyway, you'd seen the bloody thing on the advert. You see on the advert, this neutron destructor craft goes hurtling through the depths of space firing atom rockets at alien planets. Of course, when you actually buy the damn thing, all it does is sit on the carpet and fire red plastic pellets at the cat.

[Michael Downhill]

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Oh dear, oh dear.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

The only white Christmas we can dream about is the one with nuclear fallout all over it.

[Narrator/Commentator]

There's.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Now face it, Michael. Christmas is becoming worse and worse.

[Michael Downhill]

Have you been drinking?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Of course I have. It's the only way to get through it all.

[Michael Downhill]

Well, I suppose it is all a bit over commercialized, I'll say.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Mind you, at least they realize that at last. And I mean.

[Michael Downhill]

Sorry. Nothing? Nothing.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

No. You want too many glasses of Bolivian Moselle, I think. Look downhill, why don't you? Knock off early, get home, wrap up your little nephew's action man Nyrex inspector outfit.

[Michael Downhill]

Yes, right. It's just that before I go, I just wanted to get hold of some department dia. We've normally got them by now. Defence and Ag and Fish had theirs weeks ago. Ours aren't even out yet. Seems a bit odd.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Doesn't seem remotely odd. The DTI diary for 1987 is right on schedule for delivery in 1991. Sounds like fairly standard civil service forward planning to me. It's just that my advice to you, Michael, is get home, get the jolly festive Sam Peckinpah film on and crack open the Bristol cream.

[Michael Downhill]

Christmas is one long drink to you, isn't it?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Certainly pest on Earth and good luck to all men. I say, you better answer that. I'm off home.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Hello, Michael.

[Michael Downhill]

Oh, hello, Mum. I was just.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Michael, you still at the office? It's Christmas Eve.

[Michael Downhill]

Yeah, I know. I was just trying.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Oh, I suppose you were still cross referencing those applications for F95 clearances?

[Michael Downhill]

Actually, I haven't got very far with those yet.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Oh, Michael, you promised. You know how that Mr. Crawley will go on. If the subcommittee can't ratify the new coding procedures.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Um.

[Michael Downhill]

Oh, it looks like it might snow later.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Any new tenders to build the Ottersfield ring road?

[Michael Downhill]

None to actually build the road. We've had 439 offers to supply the traffic cones though.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Well, sort them out. And make sure you liaise with doe, for heaven's sake. Now, have you got my diaries?

[Michael Downhill]

Well, actually, I haven't been.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Oh, Michael, you know I like to give your department diary to all your uncles and aunties. They're all so proud of you. When I told your Uncle Stuart that you were already countersigning memos at inter departmental level, he was that proud.

[Michael Downhill]

But next year's diaries don't seem to have been printed yet.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Oh nonsense, they must have been.

[Michael Downhill]

Look, look. Where are you anyway?

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

In a call box in Oxford Street. I've just been buying some last minute presents. I've got your Uncle Ian that electric golf ball warmer he wanted and your niece Georgina wanted one those new dieting Cindy's that can get thinner. And then Tom wanted.

[Michael Downhill]

Yeah, look, why don't you hop on the underground and come down to the office? Let me take you 10 minutes.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Michael, it's Christmas Eve. The underground was less crowded during the Blitz than it is now.

[Michael Downhill]

Oh come on, it can't have been.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

People weren't in the habit of fleeing from air raids whilst carrying entire fitted kitchens in Selfridges gift wrapping. You know, honestly, 5:25 on Christmas Eve and there are lots of people here who are only just starting their Christmas shopping.

[Michael Downhill]

Now, how do you know they've still got cheques left? Are you going to come down here and meet me?

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Alright then. If we catch the 6 10, we should be back in time to watch Desmond Lyneham's Disney time.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Bye.

[Michael Downhill]

Alright, one last try. Er, hello, Stationery.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Hello, this is stationary here.

[Michael Downhill]

Oh, hello. I know it's late, but I was just thinking. Look, I've asked you this several times before, but have you got any departmental diaries yet? I need about 15.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Does it grow? Hundreds. Hundreds and hundreds of sitting here for weeks.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Oh good.

[Michael Downhill]

Last time I was told they hadn't been printed yet. Thought that was a bit odd. Can I pop up and get them? Hello? Hello? Probably passed out by the sound of it.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Down here. We're off to the pub for the liquid orders from the festive season. You coming?

[Michael Downhill]

All right, just quickly. I haven't got lung. Mum.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Extension 4465.

[Michael Downhill]

Yes.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Hey.

[Michael Downhill]

No, you go on. I'll be there in a minute.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Oh, part of problem, my son. See you down there then.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

This is the stationary store here. I'm afraid there's been a mistake. There are no diaries available. They have not been printed.

[Michael Downhill]

But I was told that there were hundreds of them by some girl.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

There is no girl on duty here this afternoon.

[Michael Downhill]

But I just spoke to her. Look, I can hear her singing.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

That's the radio. I'll just turn it off.

[Michael Downhill]

Look, all I want is 15 or so department diaries. There's lots of people I need them for.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

I see. Well, I'm sorry, but they've not been printed. Goodbye and Merry Christmas.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Strange.

[Michael Downhill]

Mum will be here in 20 minutes or so. Better get to the pub and say goodbye to everyone.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Oh, mate. Santa Claus. This old bloke in a red coat who flies around the earth on a vertical takeoff sledge propelled by six gravity defying reindeer. What is your average air traffic controller make of that, eh?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Yeah, right. Oh, Michael. Yeah, we're over here.

[Michael Downhill]

All right. Now can I buy anyone a drink?

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Don't buy anyone a drink, buy us a drink.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

You get it?

[Stationery Store Clerk]

No, no, I mean. I mean, think about it. There's some pretty stupid things about Christmas. Take Christmas trees. Can you imagine if in the middle of July you dragged a large coniferous tree into the middle of your living room and then proceeded to cover it in small, brightly colored spheroids? You'd be banged up in a room with a rubber wallpaper before you could say mer.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Yeah, Say what?

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Myrrh. And that's another thing. The three wise men. If the three wise men were so wise, then how come they judge that the most suitable present for a newborn baby boy was precious metal and myrrh? The three naff men. More like the three not very knowledgeable about postnatal gifts.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Men.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

I bet Jesus never used his myrrh either.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Probably not.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

You don't find much in the rest of the gospels about how Jesus found his myrrh so useful for the rest of his life. I bet myrrh was like Anky's in those days. You got it for people you didn't know what to get. Like when your aunt gives you socks. I bet all over Bethlehem next day there were people going, oh good, just what I wanted, some mer. Well, neff mer. If the three wise men had really been wise, they would have given him a Weeble seesaw and a Tonka truck. I mean, he was just a tiny baby wrapped in swaddling clothes.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

What are swaddling clothes?

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Well, they're clothes that you're swaddling.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Oh.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

When you finish swaddling you get changed presumably Babies swaddle a lot.

[Michael Downhill]

Here we are. Two pints of beer.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

You've got a Coke.

[Michael Downhill]

Well, I can't get tiddly. I've got to meet my mum. Actually, you could help me. I need to get hold of some departmental diaries.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Oh, not the Trade and Industry diary. That's well done. It's all public ologies in Tanganyika and years of good vintage claret.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

My wife always buys me a decent diary. I think it's what's name's Jonathan Miller's pop up diary this year. Oh, it's Great. Turn to May 1st. See this great big maple springs up here? Sir George's Day. This bloody great dragon comes leaping out for 4th of July. Two F111s pop up and fly off the page and bomb you. Yeah, it's all right though. They miss.

[Michael Downhill]

Yeah, either way. All I want is a few diaries to give my relatives. It's a family tradition almost. I think I'll nip back to the stationary store myself and see if they're any there or not. Oh yeah, should only take a few minutes. No one about. All off to watch Tony Gubba's Disney time, I suppose. Ah, here we are. Stationary store. Lights better. Right. Paper biros. Executive biros. Ring binders. Executive ring binders. Senior executive ring binders. Civil servants do it on subcommittee stickers are. Here we are. Department of Trade and Industry Diary, 1987. There's hundreds of them. Why haven't they been given out? Looks perfectly alright. Pages in right order. Number of days in April have been seasonally readjusted. Hang on. Where's Christmas? It doesn't say Christmas Day. Just December 25th, that's all. Someone's coming.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

I appreciate that but it's a severe liability to have the diaries still around. Why haven't they been destroyed?

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Stock up on launch day they think.

[Michael Downhill]

I better hide.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Look, I think someone's on to us. We've had persistent calls from someone saying he has lots of people to give diaries to.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

But how did anyone find out about psc? No one can know.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Surely anyone never seen that Christmas has vanished from next year's dti diary could put two and two together. We must arrange for the diaries to be shredded at once. Turn the light off on the way out, will you? Vital that no one knows about PSE yet. God knows what would happen if.

[Michael Downhill]

What on earth is going on? And what's psc? Ian can help.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Reason that the three wise men found him in the first place was that the star shone in the east.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Oh, yeah.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

A lot of people reckon it was Alice Comet, you know, if it was, I was a. As the three Kings could find a bloody thing. If you can't see it with a billion dollar satellite, what chance have you got of following its clear directions over rocky Middle Eastern terrain from the back of a moving camel?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Hey, it's Michael. He looks if he's been running.

[Michael Downhill]

Can you come with me?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Quick, Michael, it's Christmas Eve. I'm having a quiet drink and then I'm going home.

[Michael Downhill]

Yeah, yeah. Look, you've got access to the T level computers, haven't you? Yeah, but I mean, please, just 10 minutes. Please, it's vital.

[T Mobile Announcer]

All right.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

This had better be important. Michael.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Excuse me.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

I'm sorry, love. Building's closed.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

I'm supposed to be meeting my son close now, love. Michael. His name is Michael Downhill.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

No one here now, dear.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Well, what's that light on up there then?

[Stationery Store Clerk]

All gone home, love.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Looks like the computer room.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

No one left up there.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Why is the light on there?

[Stationery Store Clerk]

That's nothing to do with me. To gain access to the computer room you need to be grade 5 security.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

With T code classification are on the full access list of Section 2 computer accessible personnel. I know. Are you going to let me in or not?

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Don't do that, love. Building shut. All gone home.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

They haven't all gone home. There's someone in the computer room.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

No one left near, love.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Oh, they might as well replace you with a parrot.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Couldn't do that, love. Gang's regulations. No pets in the building.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Well, what on earth is Michael doing in the computer room?

[Michael Downhill]

What on earth are we doing in the computer room? Look, Ian, this is next year's Department of Trade and Industry diary.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Very exciting. Can I go now?

[Michael Downhill]

Look at it.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

You brought me up 14 floors and required me to willfully misuse a T code classification computer accessible personnel key just so you can show me next year's diary.

[Michael Downhill]

No, no, Listen, look. On December 25th for next year. It doesn't say Christmas Day.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Doesn't say Christmas Day. Why don't you go and buy the let's Diary? The bloody obvious. If you want to be reminded of when Christmas Day.

[Michael Downhill]

No, I think there's more to it than that. Look, how do you work this computer?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Oh, well, this is the IBM Series 500 mainframe computer, fully interfaced to the Central Government Data bank and all other departments. It stores 8 trillion megabytes of information on one disk and is capable of making over 8 million calculations every half second.

[Michael Downhill]

Well, I've only Used the one where you can write out your name and make Munchman eat up the little dots.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

I'll better operate it then. Right, let's get this over with. Select Data Access Code. Select Menu Code Selection. Enter request. Right, what do you want to know?

[Michael Downhill]

Put in psc.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Michael, if this is a joke, it's about as humorous as Norman Fowles.

[Michael Downhill]

Just put in psc.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Request not recognized.

[Michael Downhill]

Well, does that mean it doesn't exist?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

No, that means it does exist, but it's under a higher security coding. I've never heard of it. And I've got security access right up to Red two, which either means I've just never come across it, or it's accessed at red one level. Oh, that's ridiculous. Red one is the absolute ultra secret stuff. You know, nuclear launch codes, real unemployment figures, that sort of thing. Okay, let's see if we can find it. Top security. There's only one chance. Try Blockbusters not recognized. How about Jeu Sans Frontier? Question of Sport.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Aha.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

There we go. Right, you're in. Try PSC again, but be very careful at red level. You'll trigger an alarm if you press a wrong sequence.

[Michael Downhill]

Psc.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

You've done it.

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[Michael Downhill]

Is the code name of Project Santa Claus. See Ames Methods Forward Planning. Try aims.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

There you go.

[Michael Downhill]

Project Santa Claus. Currently under strictest secrecy, Project Santa Claus comprises the government's ongoing plans for the privatization and selling off of Christmas to private industry.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

What?

[Michael Downhill]

Dispense with the state monopoly on yuletide festivities by means of franchises and the selling of shares in Christmas to the public under the slogan, now everyone can own a little piece of Christmas. This is incredible. Look, I want to know more. Now.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Don't press that. That's not the right sequence. No. A level red security alarm. They'll be here in 48.3 seconds.

[T Mobile Announcer]

Run for it.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Sorry, dear, I can't possibly let you in.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Look, I've explained this to you eight times. I'm meeting my son here. He works here.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

All gone now, love.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

He can't have gone. He knew I was coming. He wouldn't go.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

What's that? Level red security alarm. Some sort of intruder.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

You said there was no one in the building.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

No one authorised. Unauthorised personnel's got nothing to do with me.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

But Michael is authorised. I do hope he's not in any trouble.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Who are you working for?

[Michael Downhill]

This department.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Pull the other one. Lady has got bells on. All right, Sergeant, take into room room 101.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

It's being redecorated, sir. Pinches and doing it up in lime green. Looks rather nice, actually. Can't really go in there, though.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

All right, take him to room 102. Where did the other one go?

[Stationery Store Clerk]

He got away, sir.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Got away?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

I told you. Cover all the classic escape routes. Fire escapes, lift shafts, ventilation ducts, wiring conduits. How did he get away?

[Stationery Store Clerk]

He went straight down the stairs.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Crafty bastard. They train himself smart, the kgb. Get hold of Ambridge on the scrambler. Tell him the intruders waiting to have a little chart.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

7:15 and I'm off home. I don't remember that very first Christmas when Mary and Joseph was turned away from the inn. It's a little known fact that the inn was subsequently dropped from the next edition of the Michelin Guide.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

James.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Hello, my son. You haven't finished your bevy.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

They've got my coat. They're after me. Here, let's go.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Go to Fleet street and quick. No sweat. I've got the XR3 outside. Let's go. You can hear my new in car compact disc on the way.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Welcome to room 102, Mr. Downhill. Shame about the decorators being in next door, but this one's nearly as good. I hope the guards didn't hurt you.

[Michael Downhill]

No, it's. It's not that. It's. It's this color scheme.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Yes, they repainted in here last week. I'm afraid the lime green is a little garish, but. To business. At approximately 5:31 this evening, a call from your extension to the third floor stationery store was intercepted in which you said that you had a lot of people to whom you wish to give department diaries. May I ask who these people are?

[Michael Downhill]

Well, there's Auntie Maureen, Uncle Tom, Jessica down the road and Officer, check the.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Following in the list of recognized KGB code words. Uncle Tom, Auntie Maureen.

[Michael Downhill]

What are you on about?

[Narrator/Commentator]

Mr. Downhill, if any of these alleged relatives turns out to be Soviet Secret Service codes for Fleet street contacts, or worse still, news producers at the BBC, then you'll never see Red Square again.

[Michael Downhill]

Red Square? I've never been anywhere near it. My mum's looking for me, you know.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Is she? Doubtless your mother is a decent woman to whom Burgess, Filby and Maclean are a firm of solicitors and moles are merely a nuisance in the garden.

[Michael Downhill]

I can't believe this. One minute I just want a standard department diary and the next minute I'm Clive ponting.

[Narrator/Commentator]

You see, Mr. Downhill, I know it's Christmas Eve. I know we all want to get home and watch Harry Carpenter's Disney Time, but the fact is that you've become privy to a highly sensitive piece of information.

[Michael Downhill]

Look, I'm just an EO clerk from Provincial Projects Feasibility Studies Section. The only secret I'm privy to is whether Huddersfield might get a new ring Road in 1998.

[Narrator/Commentator]

You know too much. We may have to wipe your brain.

[Michael Downhill]

Three years on the Civil Service has done that already.

[Narrator/Commentator]

We cannot allow you to hold unauthorized knowledge of Project Santa Claus. It's too sensitive. We're already at an advanced stage. That's why next year's diaries were printed without Christmas Day on December 25th.

[Michael Downhill]

You're abolishing Christmas?

[Narrator/Commentator]

Not abolishing it. Moving it.

[Michael Downhill]

Where to?

[Narrator/Commentator]

June 29, so we can catch the tourist season. In order to attract shareholders, we may have to have two Christmases a year.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Yes, umbrage.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

We've got trouble.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Intruder in block B, ground floor.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Do you have a description?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Female, early to mid-50s.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Is she dangerous?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Hard to tell. Can confirm. Is dangerous.

[Michael Downhill]

I think it's my mum.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

She's carrying a suspicious looking parcel in Selfridge's wrapping paper.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Could be a bomb.

[Michael Downhill]

It's a golf ball warmer. And a dieting Cindy, actually.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Intercept and bring her here. Use of unnecessary force is absolutely fine, Roger. All right, Mr. Downhill, let me explain in a little more detail about Project Santa Claus. Turn around and face this television over here. Switch it on, Corporal.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

I diddle t it's pleasure.

[Narrator/Commentator]

I open.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Oh, no.

[Michael Downhill]

Cliff Mitchelmore's Disney Time has already started.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Put it on the video channel, Corporal.

[News Reporter/Announcer]

Oh, Joseph.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

I'm tired.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

I know, Mary darling, but keep going. We've got to have somewhere to spend the night.

[News Reporter/Announcer]

Too bad there was no room at the inn.

[UnitedHealthcare Nurse/Announcer]

Mmm.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

They'd never have had all that trouble if they'd had Trust house forte in 1st century Judea.

[Michael Downhill]

But that's sacrilege.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

No, it's not.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Christmas is already enormously commercialized. All we're doing is making it official. Naturally, the church will hold the franchises in all religious areas. Oh, except a few carols. But I'm sure you yourself have sung the amusing lyrics concerning the shepherds washing their socks by night, Mr. Downhill. So it's only a short step to a commercial in which the angel of the Lord appears unto them and points out the benefits of, say, bold, automatic.

[Michael Downhill]

Well, this all seems a bit horrid to me.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Nonsense. It's a sound economic policy. Rights in Father Christmas alone were sold for over 50 million for a five year franchise. Henceforth, Santa Claus was will be known as Hitachi Santa Claus. Every magic sleigh will have to carry the legend Hitachi on its side. And Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer will have a range of electrical goods hanging from his antlers.

[Michael Downhill]

I don't believe this.

[Narrator/Commentator]

We've sold exclusive rights on Christmas cards to British Gas so that Christmas cards in future will show slight twists on the traditional. A robin perched on a gas fire. The three wise men bearing gold, frankincense and a gas fire.

[Michael Downhill]

The public will never support this.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Naturally, we have to be careful. If one is used to to finding a motto in one's cracker, it may be a bit of a shock to find instead an invitation for sherry and mince pies at Sellafield or Christmas Crackers in future, a franchise to British Nuclear Fuels.

[Michael Downhill]

Well, at least they should make a decent bang.

[Narrator/Commentator]

From now on, the public cannot know about the scheme until we're absolutely ready. And that is why you, Mr. Downhill, pose a big problem.

[Michael Downhill]

Look, you'll never get away with this. My friend Ian will be onto every newspaper in the country by.

[Narrator/Commentator]

A pen is not only mightier than the sword, Mr. Downhill, but it's also commonly used to keep sheep in. In time the press will know. But for now, all I have to do is pick up this phone and he'll be stopped within the minute.

[Michael Downhill]

No, you can't.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Don't Waste your breath, Mr. Downhill. Once this call is made, our secret is safe. And we can take you to the mind wipe machine. It's in the photocopying room. And as soon as we've translated the instruction manual and changed the plug. We're in business. This is Ambridge Government Security. Listen to me very carefully. I want.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

So there you are. What are you doing keeping Michael here at this hour on Christmas Eve?

[Narrator/Commentator]

Madam, I'm in the middle of a vital phone call.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Oh, shut up.

[Michael Downhill]

Hello? Hello? Oh, yes, this is. This is security. Just to say don't do anything at all. And definitely don't intercept anyone called Ian Finney on his way to Fleet Street. Yeah, Merry Christmas.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Thank you very much. And the same to you, sir.

[Michael Downhill]

Mum, you've just saved the country.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Never mind that. I want an explanation from you or it's no mince pies.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Here are this morning's one o' clock headlines. There is still no official reaction to the startling leak this morning of a secret government plan to privatize Christmas. Sources close to number 10 are quoted as saying. Oh, God. How did that get out?

[News Reporter/Announcer]

Mr. Speaker. Mr. Speaker, I have to tell the House that this idea was merely one put forward by the Think Tank. I had no idea that it was.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Being put into trouble from our own back ventures. But it seems that the Civil Service has seriously misled the government as to the extent of the plans. The Prime Minister has categorically denied that Santa Claus has been sold to the Japanese.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Mr. Speaker, whether or not the Right Honourable lady knew of the scheme, she is in power and she should resign. Order.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Order.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Come on, let's have a bit of bloody order, for God's sake. Oh, shut up, you bunch of morons.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Thank you, Mr. Ben. Now, the controversial plan to sell Christmas. Any questions?

[Michael Downhill]

Anybody?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Yes, the gentleman over there with the long white beard and the sack full of presents.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

The Times has always been independent. What would Scrooge and Bob Cratchit have made of this present plan? It cannot be. Ghent said that we of the Times would concur with Plato when ipso facto, the reductio ad absurdum is tantamount to overemphasising the methodological sine qua non of these long words when short words would do. Blah, blah, blah. Pretentiously.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

The sun says, right on, Maggie. The Whitehall mandarin's plan to flog boring old Santa is just the tonic the nation needs. Only the loony left can whine their objections. But who needs them? Certainly not Super Sammy Fox. Who's wearing our let's Vlog Christmas T shirt on page 3?

[News Reporter/Announcer]

Controversy fueled further today when the Selfridges, Santa Claus and Mr. Nick Bulstrode claimed that Geoffrey Archer had sat on his knee, stuffed 2,000 pounds into his beard, and told him to leave the country.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Sailing by On Christmas Day On Christmas.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Day I saw three ships go sailing.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

By and all of them were townsend.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

To On Christmas Day in the morning.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Polls show that the Government has dropped enormously in popularity since the revelation that they are planning to sell Christmas.

[News Reporter/Announcer]

Latest opinion polls Show Labour with 43%, alliance with 41%, and the Tories with 0.002%. A spokesman described the figures as a typical midterm setback.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

CBS News Dateline 24th and Top Story. In Great Britain, the Prime Minister prepares to resign. Mass resignations in the White House. As Reagan admits plans to secretly ship Christmas puddings to Britain, the whole Western world totters on the brink of political chaos.

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

Michael never meant to cause anybody any trouble.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Mrs.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Downhill, do you think your son could be prosecuted under the Official Secrets Act?

[Mrs. Downhill (Michael's Mother)]

No, but I'll certainly be making sure he does all the washing up.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Sir Robert Armstrong has firmly denied his rebuttal of his refusal to retract, his refutation of his original denial, and now admits that he is Sir Robert Armstrong and that the plan did exist.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

Facing more trouble from our own backbenchers. And there now seems to be severe doubt as to whether Mrs. Thatcher can survive this crisis.

[News Reporter/Announcer]

I was unaware of this scheme. It was never discussed in Cabinet. They must have talked about it while I was going to the toilet. I never liked the idea anyway. Oh, please.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Tomorrow, the Prime Minister is expected to announce her decision to resign. Resign. Resign. Resign. Do it. No.

[News Reporter/Announcer]

Oh, Dennis. Dennis, wake up. I've just had the most terrible dream. Oh, my goodness. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Yes. Hello, Margaret. Merry Christmas.

[Michael Downhill]

Oh.

[News Reporter/Announcer]

Oh, hello, Norman. Goodness, yes. Merry Christmas to you and all the Cabinet. Did you get any nice presents?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

I got a book. 50 years of the BBC.

[News Reporter/Announcer]

Oh, how delightful. Anyway, what do you want?

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Well, I met this civil servant chap at a party last night and he had rather a good idea.

[UnitedHealthcare Nurse/Announcer]

Yes.

[Michael's Colleague/Friend]

Yes. Next year, why don't we privatize Chris? Project Santa Claus featured Tony Slattery as Michael Downhill, Joan Sims as Mrs. Downhill, David Tate as Ian, Hugh Dennis as James, Sally Grace as Mrs. Thatcher and Richard O' Brien as Ambridge. It was written by Steve Punt and produced by David Tyler and produced by David Tyler and produced by David Tyler.

[T Mobile Announcer]

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[T Mobile Announcer (continued)]

Cellular stores savings versus comparable Verizon plans plus the cost of optional benefits, plan features and taxes and fees vary. Savings with three plus lines include third line free via monthly bill credits. Credit stop if you cancel any lines. Qualifying credit required.

[UnitedHealthcare Nurse/Announcer]

Heather is a nurse practitioner from UnitedHealthcare.

[Narrator/Commentator]

We meet patients wherever they live.

[UnitedHealthcare Nurse/Announcer]

During a house call, she found Jack had an issue.

[Narrator/Commentator]

Jack's blood pressure was dangerously high. It was 217 over 110.

[UnitedHealthcare Nurse/Announcer]

So they got Jack to the hospital and got him the help he needed.

[Narrator/Commentator]

He had had a stent placed in his heart, preventing a massive heart attack.

[Stationery Store Clerk]

If it wasn't for my guardian angel, I wouldn't be here.

[UnitedHealthcare Nurse/Announcer]

Hear more stories like Jack's at unitedhealthcare.com benefits, features and or devices vary by plan. Area limitation and exclusions apply.