Sam Spade 50-11-24 223 The Terrified Turkey Caper

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Sam Spade 50-11-24 #223 "The Terrified Turkey Caper"

Air Date: November 26, 2025
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Original Broadcast Date: November 24, 1950 (Sam Spade Detective)

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Episode Overview

This episode features “The Terrified Turkey Caper,” a classic entry in the Adventures of Sam Spade, Private Detective—a radio mystery drama from the Golden Age. With a Thanksgiving twist, Sam Spade navigates a comedic but deadly mystery involving a man named Tom Turkey—who claims someone wants to kill him for Thanksgiving. As Spade investigates, he uncovers insurance fraud, attempted murder, and a web of deceit closely tied to Turkey’s own past and disappearance.

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Key Discussion Points & Storyline Breakdown

The Case Arrives: Tom Turkey's Plea for Help

• Sam’s Office Chaos (00:47):
  • Effie, Sam's secretary, worries about the destruction in the office.
• Tom Turkey's Arrival (03:38):
  • Tom Turkey, a nervous, middle-aged man with a strawberry birthmark, pleads for Sam’s help, claiming:

    "My name is Tom Turkey and they're going to kill me for Thanksgiving." – Tom Turkey (05:32)

• Initial Skepticism and Investigation:
  • Sam dismisses it as a joke, but after a near-miss with a truck (possibly intentional), he checks Tom’s story.
  • Sam confirms Tom Turkey’s identity via an old phone book and a call to Henrietta Black, who confirms the description but insists Tom has been dead for years.

Tom Turkey’s Backstory (09:40)

• Turkey’s Explanation:
  • Tom faked his suicide in 1943, leaving his business and wife Henrietta due to unhappiness.
  • He’s returned years later, feeling “wiser” and wanting to reconcile.
• Contact Attempts and Dangers:
  • Since his return and letter to Henrietta, multiple “accidents” have happened—he’s certain someone wants him dead.

Confrontation at Henrietta Black's Home (11:46)

• Meeting Henrietta and Leander Luce:
  • Henrietta acts unaware of Tom’s letter and claims he’s dead, while Luce, her business manager, is defensive and dismissive.
  • Sam suspects they’re lying:

    "There was falsehood in this someplace, Lieutenant, and it stuck out like a fat girl in slacks." – Sam Spade (12:59)

Twist: A Murder in Sam’s Apartment (13:27)

• Police and a medical examiner find a body in Sam’s apartment, but it’s not Tom—it's Al Kuchel, a shady private detective.
• Sam and police Lieutenant Kelsey try to figure out who killed Kuchel and where Tom went.

The “John Smith” Pursuit and Attempts on Sam’s Life (16:02)

• Sam chases the lead from the truck company: "John Smith" is a fake identity for the heavyset, rough ex-longshoreman who almost killed Tom.
• "John Smith" tries to kill Sam in his office, shooting up the place (19:46).

The Insurance Motive Emerges (21:23)

• Sam deduces the critical clue:

  "Tom Turkey disappeared on Thanksgiving of 1943. A person has to be missing seven years before he can be legally dead and his insurance collected." – Sam Spade (21:36)

  • It’s been exactly seven years—an insurance payout is now possible.
  • Sam suspects Henrietta or Luce stands to gain.

The Pilgrim, The Mission, & The Final Showdown (22:32)

• Sam is visited by a comical “Pilgrim” (dressed for a mission’s holiday dinner) who brings him to the Helping Hand Mission, where Tom Turkey is hiding.
• Tom recounts fleeing when Kuchel and Smith argued, resulting in Kuchel’s shooting (24:24).
• Sam pushes Tom to call Henrietta; a man arrives to fetch Tom—it's Smith.
• A scuffle ensues; Sam (with a boost from the pilgrim and his blunderbuss) subdues Smith.
• The villainous Leander Luce is confronted:

  "It means, Leander Luce, that you're not going to carve Tom Turkey up for your Thanksgiving insurance policy." – Sam Spade (26:54)

The Wrap-up: Motives Explained (27:16)

• Luce, holding Henrietta’s power of attorney, was secretly paying Turkey’s insurance so they could collect after seven years of declared death.
• Effie summarizes:

  "Oh, and then he'd collect for Henrietta and keep the money himself." – Effie (27:30)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Thanksgiving Theming and Puns:

  "They tried to pluck my feathers and cook my goose." – Sam Spade (01:00)

• Classic Noir Banter:

  "Falsehood in this someplace... stuck out like a fat girl in slacks." – Sam Spade (12:59)

  "You find it hard to think, period." – Sam Spade to Lt. Kelsey (21:09)

• Turkey-related Wordplay:

  "If you don't by midnight, you might be a cold turkey." – Sam Spade to Tom Turkey (25:42)

• Comical Wrap-up:

  "Hallelujah. Drumstick, anyone?" – Pilgrim (Lieutenant Kelsey) (27:00)

• Meta Humor about Character Names:

  "We could we have a Thanksgiving caper. Without a Captain John Smith, it wouldn't be right." – Sam Spade (28:31)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [00:47] Effie concerned about office chaos; Sam’s breezy attitude.
• [03:38] Introduction of Tom Turkey and his plea.
• [05:32] Tom’s panicked confession about being targeted for murder.
• [09:00-10:30] Tom explains his disappearance and return.
• [11:46] Sam’s confrontation with Henrietta and Luce.
• [13:27] Discovery of a dead body in Sam’s apartment.
• [16:02-17:26] Sam tracks clues at truck rental; learns about “John Smith.”
• [19:46] Attempted murder of Sam by "John Smith."
• [21:23-21:57] Sam realizes insurance timing is motive for attempted murder.
• [24:24-26:00] Climax at the Helping Hand Mission, with Tom, Luce, and Smith.
• [26:53] Sam exposes Luce’s scheme.
• [27:16-29:18] Case resolution, witty banter, and Thanksgiving wrap-up with Effie.

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Episode Tone & Style

• Playful and sardonic: Sam’s narration is rich with dry humor, quick wit, and holiday-themed puns.
• Classic noir atmosphere: Even with a Thanksgiving motif, the stakes are life and death, and Sam remains unflappable, wisecracking, and resourceful.

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Conclusion

This episode blends the spirit of Thanksgiving with classic detective tropes—a bumbling turkey with a price on his head, insurance fraud, mistaken identity, and Sam Spade’s characteristic wit. Through banter, suspense, and a holiday-themed caper, the show stands as a prime example of mid-century-serial storytelling. The resolution is neat, justice is served, and even the sidekicks get their moments to shine.
Recommended for fans of old-time mysteries, offbeat noir, and nostalgia.

Transcript

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[Narrator]

The National Broadcasting Company presents the Adventures of Sam Spade Detective.

[Effie]

Sam Spade Detective Agency.

[Sam Spade]

Tis I, sweetheart.

[Leander Luce]

Sam.

[Effie]

Oh, I was worried to death. This office. Glass all over the floor, holes in the wall.

[Sam Spade]

That was just business going on as usual during altercations.

[Effie]

F. Well, what was it all about, Sam?

[Sam Spade]

They tried. Effie just tried to pluck my feathers and cook my goose.

[Effie]

On Thanksgiving, too. How could they?

[Sam Spade]

Oh, they were a mean lot.

[Effie]

Are you all right?

[Sam Spade]

Hail and hearty. Every giblet in place and not a feather ruffled. Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?

[Effie]

Oh, it was heavenly. Mama had a turkey dinner. Sage dressing, cranberry sauce, candied yams, hard.

[Sam Spade]

Cider, a little come clean. Effie?

[Effie]

Well, I. I had two glasses. Everyone was there. Cousin Gertie, Dwight, Mrs. Floss. I was disappointed when you didn't show up. Sam. Did you have Thanksgiving dinner?

[Sam Spade]

Sure.

[Effie]

Where?

[Sam Spade]

At the Helping Hand Rescue Mission, where there's plenty of free parking and never a cover charge. For further details, consult the report, which I will presently be down to dictate on a tasty chronicle of foul play. The Terrified Turkey Caper.

[Narrator]

For NBC. William Speer, Radio's Outstanding Producer Director of Mystery and Crime Drama, brings you the greatest private detective of them all in the Adventures of Sam Spade.

[Effie]

Sam Spade.

[Sam Spade]

Oh, you were waiting for me?

[Effie]

Having Thanksgiving dinner at a rescue mission where Mama cooked a perfectly wonderful.

[Sam Spade]

Thank your mother for me. F. Tell her I'll be over to break wishbones with her tonight. And to atone for my social indifferences, here's a little something I brought for you.

[Effie]

Oh, Sam, you shouldn't have. It's beautiful. What is it?

[Sam Spade]

A blunderbuss.

[Effie]

A blunder what?

[Sam Spade]

Bus. As in step to the rear out.

[Effie]

Oh. Well, what does it do?

[Sam Spade]

Shoot Seth. It's a gun. Our founding fathers used it in foraging for feathered food when they settled this abundant continent. And it's mine to do with what you will.

[Effie]

Where did you get it?

[Sam Spade]

Pencil poi.

[Effie]

Yes, Sam.

[Tom Turkey]

Who gave it to pad open?

[Effie]

Oh, yes, but I don't know.

[Sam Spade]

Knees crossed.

[Effie]

Did you meet a founding father?

[Sam Spade]

Don't peek. Date? November 24, 1952. Detective Lieutenant I.C. kelsey, Homicide. Details, San Francisco police. From Samuel Spade. License number 137596. Subject, Turkey. Dear Kelsey, this was a big week for the cranberry pickers, the butchers, the sagemakers and the stomach pill people. But for private detectives, it was strictly from hunger. My office door opened only twice a day. Once to let me in and once to let me out. And when, on Wednesday, I heard a knock on the door, I went into a paroxysm of delight. Come in, come in, come in. Entre vous. Entre Eusted.

[Effie]

Iran.

[Sam Spade]

When I ran out of languages, I got up from behind the desk, walked to the door and opened it. Standing there was a small middle aged man with a pink bald head. His blue serge suit needed pressing and he was nervously fingering a strawberry birthmark under his left ear.

[Tom Turkey]

Mr. Samuel Spade?

[Sam Spade]

I am.

[Tom Turkey]

May. May I. May I have a moment?

[Sam Spade]

You may have several, but not in the corridor. It's not in my lease.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, I'll come in.

[Sam Spade]

Good, good, good. Well, Whip.

[Tom Turkey]

You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Spade. I. I've had so few dealings with private detectives, I. I find it hard to begin where I. Oh, perhaps I shouldn't have come at all. Goodbye.

[Sam Spade]

No, no, no, wait a minute. Maybe I can help you.

[Tom Turkey]

Well, you see, I. Oh, what's the use? You won't believe me. Nobody does. I'd really better.

[Sam Spade]

Oh, now, wait, wait. I'll believe you. All I ask is a chance. Now, let's start with your name.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, my name. Yes, yes, yes, my name to begin with. You won't believe that, but I can verify it. Yes, I can. It's on the registration book of the Old Colony hotel in the 1943 phone book and on my old driver's license.

[Sam Spade]

Well, I'll have to know it before I can verify it.

[Tom Turkey]

Yes, yes, of course you will. It's. It's Tom.

[Sam Spade]

Well, now, that's not so hard to believe.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, you haven't heard the rest of it. It's Tom. A Turkey. There, you. You see? I told you you wouldn't believe it.

[Sam Spade]

I'd better go. Oh, now, let me be the first to believe you. Now, Mr. Tom, what's your problem?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, dear, dear, that's even harder to explain.

[Sam Spade]

Well, now that I don't believe, but take a breath and jump into it.

[Tom Turkey]

Breath? Yes. My name is Tom Turkey and they're going to kill me for Thanksgiving.

[Sam Spade]

Well, I had asked for it and I had gotten it. And I sat back wondering who had gone to all the trouble to play this funny joke. On me. I was looking at my hand to see if there was any itching powder on it where he'd shaken it when my phone rang. I lifted the receiver, swung around in my swivel and gazed out onto the street. It was Al Kuchel calling a private eye whose reputation was shadier than a mushroom seller.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Hi, Spady.

[Sam Spade]

Haven't seen much of you lately. Spady and I have to get together. Yeah, well, so long.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Wait, wait.

[Sam Spade]

I'll tell you why I called. I've had a pest in my office. Keeps coming back. Thinks he's a turkey. Somebody wants to dress. I brushed him, but your name came up and I just wanted to warn you he might be in to see you. I'm confused, Al. I never knew you to turn your back on a buck. Oh, I don't want any of this one. His buttons are loose. My advice to you is to bounce him. Well, we've never traded advice before, Cuchu.

[Tom Turkey]

Why now?

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Well, after all, we're in the same.

[Sam Spade]

Racket if we can't help each other. Oh, sure, Al, sure. I appreciate it. Give me a ring. We've got to get together sometime. Yeah, when I get a free night, we'll. Jimmy. Parking meters.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Yeah, we, huh? Oh, yeah. Parking meters. See you later, Spatie.

[Sam Spade]

I turned back to the desk and what I saw in front of me was an empty chair. Tom Turkey had taken wing. I got up and walked to the window. And a minute later I saw him come out of the building downstairs and start to cross the street. And then I saw something else. A large 4 ton truck was tearing down the street, picking up speed. Instinctively, I shot at a warning. And at the last second, Tom Turkey scrambled from in front of the truck and disappeared into the alleyway. A truck roared up the street and on its side was printed in gold letters. Haynes, you drive it. There was nothing to say it wasn't coincidence, this near mishap. But somehow I found myself intrigued and wanting to hear more of the little guy's story. He said, the Old Colony Hotel. On the way, I stopped at the library, found an old 1943 phone book and looked. He was listed. Thomas Turkey, it said. Out of curiosity, I rang the number.

[Effie]

Hello.

[Sam Spade]

I wonder if you can help me. I'm inquiring about a Mr. Turkey.

[Henrietta Black]

Turkey? This ain't his number no more.

[Sam Spade]

I know.

[Henrietta Black]

Haven't had any crawls for him for years. Screwy name.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah, I know, I know.

[Henrietta Black]

I knew a woman named Rabbit once. Mrs. Rabbit.

[Sam Spade]

About Turkey. Could you remember what he looked like?

[Effie]

I don't.

[Henrietta Black]

Hey, Manny, what Turkey look like? Yeah, yeah, small man, around 50. Nice fellow.

[Sam Spade]

Manny says strawberry under his left ear.

[Henrietta Black]

Strawberry under his left ear, Manny? Yeah, yeah, strawberry under his left ear.

[Sam Spade]

Well, thank you, madam, for your information, and thanks to Manny.

[Henrietta Black]

Well, you're welcome, but I don't know what you're going to do with it. Old man Turkey's dead. Been dead for years.

[Sam Spade]

Curiouser and curiouser. I thought they had described the man who came to my office 20 minutes ago, and now he'd been dead for years. I continued on to the Old colony Hotel, room 75 cents, it said. Tom's room was 1 14. Who is it? Sam Spade.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, come in. Mr. Spade. I'm. I'm sorry I ran away. I didn't think you really believed me.

[Sam Spade]

Well, I'm not sure I do yet. Tell me, was that truck an accident?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, I don't think so. No. They. They made three attempts before to kill me. Somebody tried to push me in front of a train, and then a wheelchair full of cement dropped off a building and just missed me. And then I was shot at.

[Sam Spade]

Who were they and why would they want to kill you?

[Tom Turkey]

I don't know. I just don't know.

[Sam Spade]

No, look, let's tack, tack, tack. I dialed your old phone number, and the people who answered said you're dead.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, a lot of people think I'm dead.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah. Look, do you still want me to work for you?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, yes. Yes, please.

[Sam Spade]

Well, you'll have to tell me more then. I can't.

[Tom Turkey]

I guess I'd better tell you everything. Oh, it's. It's hard to talk about, Mr. Spade. It's not easy to admit to someone you've been a foolish man. You see, I just turned 50. I was quite tired of the life I'd led. Proper, dull and unfruitful, except in money. My business was wearing, and so was my wife, Henrietta.

[Sam Spade]

This has a traditional ring.

[Tom Turkey]

Anyway, to make it short, I decided to run away. One day I drove to work. I parked my car in the middle of the Bay Bridge where the suicide note left it, and disappeared.

[Leander Luce]

Where did you go?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, all over the world. I took a job on a boat. I did, on a boat. And then I settled in San Paolo, Brazil, under another name.

[Sam Spade]

Now you're back. Why?

[Tom Turkey]

Maybe I got lonely. Maybe I got wiser. Maybe. Maybe I felt I paid enough for my mistakes. Let's just say I'm back. I want to be with Henrietta.

[Sam Spade]

Have you seen her?

[Tom Turkey]

I checked into this hotel and wrote her a letter saying I wasn't dead. I was back in San Francisco and I. I wanted to come back to her if she still would have me. But I told her I wouldn't bother her unless she wanted to see me, that she could contact me here. That was a week ago.

[Sam Spade]

And you haven't heard from her?

[Tom Turkey]

No, no. And almost right away, these attempts on my life began.

[Sam Spade]

I see. All right, what's her address?

[Tom Turkey]

3118 Monroe. Oh, she's taken her maiden name again. Black. Henrietta Black.

[Sam Spade]

Come on, let's go.

[Tom Turkey]

No, no. I'm not going to see her until she asks me.

[Sam Spade]

Look, you're going to my apartment. Nobody will bother you there.

[Tom Turkey]

And you're going to see Henrietta.

[Sam Spade]

That's right.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. Spade. You. You do believe me, I think I'm really ready to face the world again. Now.

[Sam Spade]

I deposited in my apartment with instructions to open the door for no one but me. And then I proceeded to 3118 Monroe in the high rent district. I was ushered through a comely portico by a Japanese maid who told me to wait in a study heavy with mahogany. In a moment, two people came in. The woman wore a black dress, silver pendant flat shoes and a complexion the.

[Narrator]

Color of apple meat.

[Sam Spade]

She was Ms. Henrietta Black and or Mrs. Tom Turkey. The man turned out to be Leander Loose, the lady's attorney, business manager and canasta partner.

[Henrietta Black]

You say you have something important to discuss with me, Mr. Spade?

[Sam Spade]

I do.

[Henrietta Black]

I hope you don't mind my asking Mr. Luce to be here.

[Sam Spade]

Not at all. Well, Mrs. Turkey, I've just talked to your husband, Tom.

[Leander Luce]

Mr. Spade, if you please, I say.

[Henrietta Black]

Something a rather feeble attempt at comedy, Mr. Spade.

[Sam Spade]

Well, I wasn't trying for laughs. You are Mrs. Turkey, aren't you?

[Tom Turkey]

I was.

[Sam Spade]

You undoubtedly still are.

[Henrietta Black]

I've expected to hear another one of these cruel jokes about my name at Thanksgiving time.

[Leander Luce]

Mr. Spade. Someone was always going to stuff Tom, baste him, dress him, slice him.

[Sam Spade]

This season they're going to kill him.

[Henrietta Black]

They are not going to kill him. He is already dead.

[Sam Spade]

He's not dead, Mrs. Turkey, and you should know it.

[Tom Turkey]

I should?

[Sam Spade]

Yes. He sent you a letter saying he was back in San Francisco and wanted to see you.

[Leander Luce]

Mr. Spade, this has gone absolutely far enough.

[Sam Spade]

Not quite. What about the letter?

[Henrietta Black]

I know of no such letter.

[Leander Luce]

I see.

[Sam Spade]

Well, thank you for your time.

[Leander Luce]

I'm sorry I bothered you. You used bad judgment in coming in the first place.

[Sam Spade]

Yes, maybe you're right. There was falsehood in this someplace, Lieutenant, and it stuck out like a Fat girl in slacks. The only thing to do was to go back to my apartment, get Tom turkey and confront Mrs. T with her husband in the flesh. When I got back to my apartment building, I spotted in rapid succession one, an ambulance, two, a police car. And upstairs, outside my half open apartment door, I spotted three. You.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

I've been expecting you.

[Sam Spade]

What's going on, Kelsey?

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Serious, Sam serious.

[Sam Spade]

Who's that bald headed man moving around the apartment?

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

That's McCracken, the new medical examiner checking the stiff on your rug.

[Sam Spade]

I stepped around you, Lieutenant, and pushed the door all the way open. I saw McCracken kneeling over the body and a couple of men from homicide taking photos. I moved into the room feeling nothing good. A little guy had given me a job. And while I was yakking with his wife, somebody got to him. And in my apartment where I'd stashed him, McCracken stood up and I looked down at the body. Then I looked again. Who I saw wasn't Tom Turkey at all. It was the late private eye, Al Kuchel.

[Narrator]

You are listening to the weekly adventure of Rick Radio's most famous detective, Sam Spade. You Friday fans of Sam Spade. There's mystery on Saturday evening too. On NBC tomorrow, the man called X sets out on another mission of danger and intrigue in some far off corner of the earth. Herbert Marshall stars as the man called X. A man without a name who travels the world over protecting his country's interests. He lives by his wits and his business is danger. He is the man called X. Tomorrow over most NBC stations for top Sunday listening, it's another broadcast of the big show on NBC this Sunday. Your stars include Fred Allen, Jack Carson, Mindy Carson, Ed Archie Gardner, Ed Wynn and many, many more. And Tallulah is your mc as usual. This Sunday it's the big show on NBC. And now back to the terrified turkey caper.

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[Narrator]

For tonight's adventure with Sam sp.

[Sam Spade]

While the men from Homicide were taking pictures etc. You and I, Lieutenant, were going round and round on the question. If I didn't kill the man found in my room, who did? And you were sufficiently impressed with my insults, Kelsey, not to hold me for the murder. We bowed to each other and I left, thinking back to the truck that had almost run Turkey down. I went to the Haines. You drive truck rental garage? Yeah. What do you. I mean, what do you want? I'm a detective. Could you give me a list of names for everybody who rented a truck from you during the past few days? Sure. He handed me a big registration book and I read every name for the past week. For the first five days they all seemed to be nice, normal, abnormal names. And then under the rentals for the day before was the name of John Smith. John had given his address as 7200 Kearney. And I happen to know that Kearney only goes up to twenty hundred. The dispatcher said that Smith had returned the truck about three hours before and he remembered him as an ugly, heavy set and rough voiced character who looked like an ex longshoreman. They had already washed the truck, so the fingerprints were all loused up.

[Leander Luce]

Now it's Mr. Spade again.

[Sam Spade]

Look, I'd like to speak with Mrs. Turk, Ms. Black, if you don't mind. Come in, come in. Thank you.

[Leander Luce]

This way.

[Sam Spade]

Into the den.

[Leander Luce]

Right. Well, I was sure you'd look into this affair a little more and realize that it was just a blind alley, a hoax of some kind.

[Sam Spade]

Where's Ms. Black?

[Leander Luce]

Oh, she's upstairs lying down. The whole affair has upset her and she asked not to be disturbed. I think the wisest course of action for you, Mr. Spade, is just to let the matter drop.

[Sam Spade]

You can't let a murder Just drop, Mrs. Mr. Lews. The police wouldn't hear of it. Huh? Murder?

[Tom Turkey]

Who?

[Sam Spade]

An unfrocked private detective named Al Kuchel.

[Leander Luce]

Well, what does this have to do with Henrietta Black?

[Sam Spade]

Al Cucho called me earlier today and said that Tom Turkey was a crackpot. A little man with delusions. He tried to top me off taking his case.

[Leander Luce]

He sounds like a perceiving man.

[Sam Spade]

Well, he didn't perceive. Ending up in my apartment with a bullet in his head.

[Leander Luce]

That's too bad. But I still.

[Sam Spade]

I left Tom Turkey in my apartment for safekeeping. And when I returned, he was gone and Kuchel was dead.

[Leander Luce]

Well, that explains itself. Obviously this detective knew that Tom Turkey was a phony and Turkey killed him.

[Sam Spade]

It can figure that way and a number of other ways.

[Leander Luce]

Mr. Spade, I have no desire to sit here trading subtleties with you. As yet, no one has demonstrated that the real Tom Turkey actually exists alive. Now, until you do have something more concrete and less mythological, Ms. Black requests that you do not come around opening up old wounds.

[Sam Spade]

You've made an eloquent point. Just tell me one thing, if I can. When did Tom Turkey disappear? I mean, what month, what day it was?

[Leander Luce]

Oh yes, 1943, November.

[Sam Spade]

But I'm not sure of the exact day.

[Leander Luce]

I think it was in the third week.

[Sam Spade]

Could it have been on Thanksgiving? Very possibly, very possibly. I returned thoughtfully to my office and did a little rapid mental arithmetic and came up with a number seven. From November 23, 1943 to November 23, 1950 was seven years to the day. And I pondered this. What did the number seven mean to the life or death of Tom Turkey? I had just hit upon the answer and was crying Eureka. When my office door opened unknocked and a visitor came in unannounced. He was ugly, heavyset and looked like an ex longshoreman. I waited to see if the voice checked.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

You, Spade.

[Sam Spade]

Who shall I say is called? Captain John Smith. And here's my calling card.

[Narrator]

The first.

[Sam Spade]

The first bullet grazed my shoulder and tore the padding out of my coat. The second bullet hit the water cooler and it crashed over, watering all on of top top of me. Where the third bullet hit I wasn't sure at the time because darkness came rushing through my head like a freight trail. When I opened my eyes again I expected to see St. Peter checking my ID card. But all I saw were the dust balls under my desk and a fly bathing himself in a pool of water spreading slowly over the floor. There was blood on my hand, but it came from a glass cut. I was in shambles, but alive. Captain John Smith had shoved off, obviously thinking his bullets had done their work.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Homicide, Lieutenant Kelsey.

[Sam Spade]

Sam Kelsey. Have you found anything more about Tonturkey?

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Nothing, Sam. Frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if there is such a guy.

[Sam Spade]

Well, clever Kelsey. A few minutes ago, a gorilla by the name, believe it or not, of Captain John Smith just tried to kill me in my office.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Oh, go on, Sam. I find it hard to think.

[Sam Spade]

You find it hard to think, period.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Really, Sam, did you get him?

[Sam Spade]

No, but my office is a wreck and there's a hole blasted in my wall big enough to put a basketball in.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

What did he use, a bazooka?

[Sam Spade]

I figured. Dum dum bullets.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Dum dum. That's illegal, ain't it?

[Sam Spade]

Kelsey, doesn't it strike you as significant that every attempt on Turkey's life has been vicious? As if someone not only wanted to kill him but also mutilate him?

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Yeah, yeah, now that you mention it, somebody probably wanted to make identification difficult.

[Sam Spade]

Even dead, they didn't want anybody to know who he was. Now, listen carefully, Kelsey. This is real deep. Tom Turkey disappeared on Thanksgiving of 1943. A person has to be missing seven years before he can be legally dead and his insurance collected. Now, if someone had Turkey insured, they could collect the day after this Thanksgiving if Turkey didn't show up before.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

You mean somebody's trying to kill him for the insurance?

[Sam Spade]

I would say so, Kelsey. I would say so. Now hurry up and find him. When I put down the phone, I heard a heavy pounding. For a minute I thought it was in my head until I turned to face the door, and standing there was a small pilgrim with bandy legs in black stockings, pantaloons, white collared coat and still pipe hat. He wore silver buckles, and what he was pounding on the floor was an 18th century blunderbuss.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Hallelujah. Have I got the right place?

[Sam Spade]

Well, offhand I'd say so. If you're looking for Captain John Smith, he just left. Pocahontas is expected any minute.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Now, don't you go trying to confuse me. I'm too thirsty.

[Sam Spade]

What's on your mind?

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Well, I'm. I'm looking for a fellow named Dan. Oh, I'm so thirsty I forgot Sam Spade. That's it. That's it.

[Sam Spade]

Ah.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Oh, you broke your water bottle, huh?

[Sam Spade]

Yeah.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Good, good. That stuff's poison anyway. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hey, say, do you happen to have any hard cider around?

[Sam Spade]

Fresh out.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Oh, I'm kind of thirsty. You know, any type of corn squeezings?

[Sam Spade]

Here, try this, dad. Good, huh? You like that, huh?

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Hey, follow me. But before we go, do you suppose we could have a little something for the road? It's bitter cold.

[Sam Spade]

I gave him a little, but not too much because I didn't want him to lose his way. He walked me right down Market street so he could look in the liquor store windows. He said it gave him a comfortable feeling to know there was so much good in the world. And then we turned right a few blocks until we came to the Helping Hand Mission. Across its gray front, a banner promised special holiday food and comfort to the unfortunate. And on the street in front of it, there was a brass bands sending out signals to the fraternity that any minute the great feast of Thanksgiving would begin. The band members and other volunteer workers were all dressed as pilgrims. A quaint conceit. My pilgrim led me to a dark corner of the club room. And sitting there unhappily, was none other than Tom Turkey.

[Tom Turkey]

Hello, Mr. Spade.

[Sam Spade]

Oh, hello, Tom. What happened to my apartment? And why did you run away?

[Tom Turkey]

Well, I was afraid. You told me not to answer the door until you came back. Well, somebody knocked on the door and said it was you. So I opened it and two men came in.

[Sam Spade]

Tell me, was one of the male cucho.

[Tom Turkey]

Yes, the detective. The other man was a big, ugly looking fellow. And when they saw I was alone, they started arguing.

[Sam Spade]

About what?

[Tom Turkey]

Well, the detective said that now that he brought the ugly man there, he wanted his money. The ugly man pulled a gun and they started to fight. Oh, dear, I. I slipped out the door and when I was halfway downstairs, I heard a shot and kept on running.

[Sam Spade]

Well, Hal Couchell is dead.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, my. I thought so. This was the only place I could think of to hide. Oh, when Henrietta finds out I've been mixed up in a murder, she'll never take me back.

[Sam Spade]

Henrietta. Hey, tell me, did your wife ever have any insurance on you?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, before I ran away, she did a fifty thousand dollar policy, but. Oh, that would have lapsed by now.

[Sam Spade]

Maybe. Maybe. Did it have a suicide clause in it?

[Tom Turkey]

Suicide? Yes. Well, no. No, it didn't. I remember.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Yeah.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah. You'd like to talk to Henrietta, wouldn't you? All right. Here's your phone number. Call her up and tell her where you are.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, dear, I. I don't think I could. I'm too frightened.

[Sam Spade]

You've got to do something to help yourself. If you don't by midnight, you might be a cold turkey.

[Narrator]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Sam Spade]

Just slipped out.

[Tom Turkey]

All right, I'll do it.

[Sam Spade]

Well, he went and made the call. When he returned, he said that a man had answered who said Henrietta would come down and pick Tom up. He didn't want to wait, but I sat on him. The Pilgrim brought us a dish of turkey dinner, saying he couldn't stand food himself. And we munched a spell. In a little while, a limousine pulled up in front of the mission with someone in back whom I couldn't see. The chauffeur stepped out and came in, inquiring for Tom Turkey. It was Captain John Smith himself. When he saw me, a look of shocked surprise came over his unhandsome face. Hoping to catch him off balance, I dove at him. It was the liveliest thing that has happened at the Helping Hand Mission in years. And we have a good house, too. Money was even changing hands. When I heard the odds starting to go against me, I realized I better come up with something.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Here, use this, partner.

[Sam Spade]

And I did. The Bandy Leg Pilgrim shoved his blunderbuss right in my hand and I swung. Smith dropped like pheasant on the wing. I looked up. The passenger from the limousine was just coming in here.

[Leander Luce]

What's the meaning of this?

[Sam Spade]

It means, leander loose, that you're not going to carve Tom Turkey up for your Thanksgiving insurance policy.

[Lieutenant Kelsey]

Hallelujah. Drumstick, anyone?

[Narrator]

Period.

[Sam Spade]

End of report.

[Effie]

Sam, I don't understand.

[Sam Spade]

Well, it's as plain as the cranberry stain on your dress. Eh, Luce? As Henrietta's business manager, had her power of attorney and secretly he kept making the payments on Tom Turkey's insurance policy.

[Effie]

Oh, and then he'd collect for Henrietta and keep the money himself.

[Sam Spade]

Effie, sometimes your lightning mind frightens me. I'll go type that up.

[Narrator]

Three chimes mean good times on NBC. There's fun and laughs with the chimes later tonight when Ed Gardner stars in Duffy's Tavern. As usual, Duffy won't be there, but Archie the manager will definitely be on hand to serve his blue plate special of grilled English language. This Sunday, the big show comes your way again. Tallulah will be your hostess, and the stars include Fred Allen, Jack Carson, Ed Wynn, Meredith Wilson and many, many more. It's the big show Sunday on NBC.

[Effie]

Here it is. The man who killed Al Kuchel and tried to kill you. Was his name really Captain John Smith?

[Sam Spade]

Now, we could we have a Thanksgiving caper. Without a Captain John Smith, it wouldn't be right.

[Effie]

It was a coincidence, wasn't it?

[Sam Spade]

Well, if you promise not to tell any, I won't. His real name was Michael Giuseppe Yablonski Smith. I called him John for sure.

[Effie]

You're so kind.

[Sam Spade]

Are we going over to your mother's for cold turkey snacks?

[Effie]

Well, all right, but I don't think there'll be much left. Oh, you see, my cousin Gertie couldn't find a little boy, and mother phoned and said they just found him. He was inside the turkey, eating his way out.

[Sam Spade]

Effie, is there no way to curb that tongue of yours?

[Effie]

Yes, there's one way.

[Sam Spade]

Well, come here.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh.

[Effie]

Good night, Sam.

[Sam Spade]

Good night, sweetheart.

[Narrator]

The adventures of Sam Spade are produced, edited and directed by William Spear. Sam Spade was played by Stephen Dunn. Lorene Tuttle is Effie. Script for tonight's adventure by Larry Roman and John Michael Hayes. Musical scoring by Lud Gluskin conducted by Robert Armbruster.

[Leander Luce]

It.

[Narrator]

Join us again next week, same time for another adventure with Sam Spade. Hear the magnificent Montague. Then visit Duffy's Tavern on NBC.

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