
The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show 1940-12-23 - Christmas 1940
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From Hollywood, the George Burns and Gracie Allen show for Hormel and Spam.
George and gracie.
Spam. Whoa, boy. Spam. What joy.
George Burns, the grace Casey Allen on show. And a darkest draw for singing Glee with a smoothie. Last but not least. And who is Bud? He.
Well, it's time for Burns and Allen at your house and say, have last minute Christmas chores got you in a whirl? Now, look, Mother, even though you don't get home until just before suppertime, here's the quick, easy way to give your family swell food that satisfies husky appetites. Serve Baked Spam. S P A M and baking is easy. When you serve Spam, all you do is open a can of Spam, stud it with cloves and slip it into the oven. The easy recipe is right on the label. In just a few minutes, you'll have a delicious main course. Spam is tender, juicy meat with extra goodness and flavor because Spam is a perfect combination of pork shoulder meat and ham meat. Tired appetites perk up with Spam on the table. And tired mothers like it because Spam is so easy to serve. Tomorrow, be sure your shopping list includes Spam, Spam.
And here they are, your two favorite Spam stars, George and Gracie.
Thank you.
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Thank you very much. Say, George, I saw A.Y. shaw's picture second course at the Paramount last night. He was great.
B
Really?
C
Fred Astaire was swell. Paula got it was grand. Can I Bud Heat to make love.
B
Wait a minute. Bud Heaston wasn't in the picture.
C
Well, he was sitting next to me, if you know what I mean.
B
So you were at the Fairmont last night too, huh, Bud? Yes. How did you like it? Oh, swell. Next week I'm going back to see the picture.
Gracie, how was Arnie Shaw as an actor?
C
Well, he had plenty of trouble with his lines. Every time he opened his mouth, he stuck his clarinet in it.
B
Some love of that Shaw. I'll bet. Every time he threw a kiss. Paulette. Got it.
Got it.
C
George. I was only Fooling.
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That was a beauty.
C
Yeah.
Oh, dear. There was Audie with his around. Paulette got it. And Paulette was looking into his eyes. And ay looked into Paulette's eyes. And then Fred Astaire kissed her.
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And then. Gracie, how did Fred Astaire get into this?
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Well, he's very fast on his feet, if you know what I mean.
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Well, I'm not bad either.
C
No.
B
You know, in vaudeville, I used to be Goldie of Goldie Fields and Glide.
C
No.
Really?
B
And you could tell by that guarded line that I did the comedy. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I'll show you something right now. You know how Fred Astaire jumps up in the air and clicks his heels three times?
C
How many times?
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Three times?
C
Yeah.
B
Yeah. Well, I can jump up in the air and click my heels four times. Okay, watch.
Well, how do you like him, Gracie?
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Swell. You can come down now.
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Well, anyway, Ottie, we've done a lot of kidding, but I hear that you're really great in the picture. Well, thanks a lot, George. I understand you play a romantic, kid. Nah, George. Those love scenes aren't all that cracked up to be. For example, that scene at the breakfast table where I'm reading a newspaper and Paulette Goddard comes in and kisses me. Every time we did the scene, something went wrong. You know, she kissed me 52 times. Boy, that was awful.
Awful? What was awful about that? I never got a chance to read. Little AB.
Kissed him 52 times should happen to me.
C
You know, Artie, George and I danced in a picture with Fred Astaire. That's what gave Fred Sarah start.
B
It's kind of a hard line to get out.
Start Fred stare. Yeah. Oh, you really, kid. That's your line, Artie.
C
Not really. When he saw Judge dance again. Aquasad.
B
Well, we got two laughs before that.
Well, let's continue from there. Where are we?
You said something funny, huh? Well, there goes the guitar player interrupting again. Hey, Seor Shaw. Hey, Arty. Hey, boss. Hey, love it. What is it, Senor Lee? You in the picture with Fred Astaire. That's a strange coincidence, Senor Lee. You said that wrong, Senor Shaw. You being in the same picture with Fred Astaire is a strange coincidence. You dance?
Well, that sort of finishes up Artie Shaw's new picture, Second Chorus. And, Artie, you noticed I mentioned it three times. Is that enough? Yeah, and someday I'll write a little song about Spam. Well, thanks, kid. Gee, that'll be swell, Artie. Spam's bound to become number one on the Egg parade. The eat parade. Well, now, let's start our play. Gracie, give out the scripts. Okay, Bud, take it. Ladies and gentlemen, as you remember, last week we did a play and we left off with George, Ry and myself in jail about to be hanged and Gracie on the way to the governor to try and save our lives. Lights, curtain, music.
Gracie, where are the scripts?
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The scripts?
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Yeah, the scripts for the play.
C
Oh, oh, the radio script.
B
Yeah, the radio scripts. I gave them to you this morning. Where are they?
C
I want to talk about my brother.
B
Who's interested in your brother?
C
The woman across the street.
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Well, who cares?
C
Her husband.
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Gracie, we were having lunch at the Brown Derby and I gave you a package. Where are the scripts?
C
Scripts? Oh, let me see. Now, don't tell me. I left the Brown Derby and I went into that drugstore and I put a nickel in the phonograph and played Beat Me Daddy six to the bar.
B
Six to the bar?
C
Yeah, it was a cut rate drugstore.
And then I changed a dime and weighed myself and I had nine pennies left, so I weighed myself nine more times.
B
I see the audience is waiting. Where were the scripts?
C
Then I left for the May Department store and I crossed the park and there was a man surrounded by a lot of pigeons feeding them peanuts. And he said, miss, how would you like to try this? And I did. I ate about two bags of peanuts and.
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Artie, Artie, will you play your number while Gracie tries to figure out where she left the scripts?
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And then the pigeons flew away and I said goodbye. To Mr. Reuter.
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To Mr. Reuter.
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Sam.
Ram.
Now, let me see, where did I leave the script?
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Yeah, the scripts.
C
Oh, I was on my way to the May Company and I stopped to buy a ticket for the Rose bowl game. The man said, would you like to sit on the 50 yard line? And I said, no, the chalk would ruin my dress. And then.
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See, we've got to do a show.
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Please, please. And then the man said the tickets for the Rose bowl were a dollar.
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A piece and a dollar a piece.
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Oh, of course, it was a very small piece.
No, if I can get $200 more, I can buy the rest of the tickets.
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Chrissy, try to remember what you did with the package. The scripts are in it. We're supposed to do a play.
What's going on here? Marty, what's your guitar player saying? What's he saying? I'm having enough trouble trying to figure out what I'm saying.
What's the argument about? Sen. I do not like the number for nsc. We Just played every night. We play it at the Pandemonium Ballroom.
Pandemonium. See, it's Palladium. Pandemonium is a lot of noise and confusion. He Swing and Sway with Sammy K.
Audi. Why do you take it from that musician? He's got a diploma from Casaloma saying that's cute. Hey, George. Five try Spam and Chili with Rudy Village.
You guys keep it up. Just keep it up and you'll be hitting the road with Papa Joad.
C
Oh, see, now, so I finally got to the May Company.
B
Oh, you finally got to the May Company?
C
Yeah. And I went to the men's department and I said, I'd like to get a shirt for George. And the man said, 34 sleeves. And I said, no, two will be enough.
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Gracie. Gracie, when you got through shopping all day, what did you do with the package?
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The packages, the pack? Oh, those were all Christmas presents. I took them all down to the post office and mailed them.
B
To the post office?
C
Yes.
B
Well, you must have mailed the scripts with the rest of the packages.
C
Oh. Oh, well, let's go down and look for them. Well, certainly they'll be easy to find on account of all my packages are addressed direct to the exchange department of the May Company.
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You address them all? You addressed all your gifts to the exchange department?
C
Well, yeah. That'll save my friends a lot of trouble after Christmas.
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Well, come on, everybody. You better come with me to the post office and help me find the script. I'll help. I'll help.
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I'll help.
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Mr. Burns, I refuse to help. Who are you? Just a rugged individualist.
Everything happens to me. Well, come on, everybody, let's go.
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Well, George. George, I got it.
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The script.
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Now. Now, let's tear a herring with old Fred Waring.
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Oh, come on. Come on. Hey, Boyers and Harvard, open the door. Hey, Salman, I'm talking to you. Why don't you pay attention to your work? Mr. Burns, that is what I've been doing all my life. Four years I went to Harvard, studied diligently and never missed a lecture. The notes I made are used today as a model by the students at Harvard. Alongside me sat a student who never paid attention to anything. Instead of taking down notes, he wrote childish jingles on the margin of his notebook. Today, that man gets $50,000 a year writing those Burma Shave signs. And this is what I do for A L.
This is no time of the year to be sad Christmas is in the air Think of Santa Claus Poor Santa Claus Reminds me of myself Works hard all year and winds up holding the bag.
Come on, everybody, let's get to the post office.
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I've gotta find those scripts.
Here we are at the post office. Boy, look at this crowd. Now, Gracie, Gracie, at what window did you mail the packages?
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Oh, let me see now. Well, look for a handsome clerk with blue eyes, blonde mustache and a striped lipstick. He's got a sort of a striped lipstick. Well, yes, that's in the kind of. I kissed him through the bars.
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Well, let's stand at the end of this line. Don't push. Don't push.
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Don't push.
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Don't push. Don't push. Don't push. Who's pushing? Who's pushing? Who's pushing? Who's pushing? Who's pushing?
Well, we'll never get to that window. I had to give you the scripts.
C
Hey, George. Judge, I know how to get in front of this line.
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With all these men?
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Yes.
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Never.
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Well, just watch me. Look, look, here comes Teddy Lamar.
Next. Who's first in line? I am. What a day. Have we been rushed. Do you know, miss, that today I sold a thousand? One cent stand. Well, if I were you, I'd sell three cent stands. Why? Well, you meet a better class of people.
Oh, have I been busy. I've been standing on my seat since 7 o' clock this morning. Oh, you must be tired. Why don't you let me stand on them for a while?
B
Lacey, ask her about the package. What?
C
Ask her about the packet. Ask about what?
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The package. The package.
C
The package. The package.
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The package. The package.
Thanks for your help. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome.
C
You're welcome.
B
You're welcome. You're welcome. Hey, George. George, when you get down to the window, will you mail this Christmas gift for me? Sure, if I ever get down, then. Well, look, it's for me. Marty, what are you sending me? It's a lounging robe. That's funny. Last Christmas I sent you a lounging robe. Well, the same loungy rope.
Well, thanks, kid. And you know what I want this Christmas now? What? A great big sailboat.
Well, in this weather, you can use it. Senor Burns, will you please mail this package of dishes for me? But be careful with it. It's high class crookery.
You mean crockery? Crockery means that you stole it. The man in back of me in the blue uniform is a sailor.
Gracie, find out about the scripts. Gracie, wait a minute. Gracie, what are you doing behind the window?
C
Well, I'm taking the girl's place. She went out to look for the package. Oh, George, aren't people silly? You ought to read some of the letters they send.
Listen to this one. Dear Santa Claus, please send us a man for Christmas. And if you can't find one, please come yourself. Sign Brenda and Kabina.
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Gracie, you mean you're opening the mail?
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Yeah, isn't it fun? I'm so glad I took it away.
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You know, you can be hot. You can be held for a thing like that.
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Well, who do you think the man with his arms around me is? A sailor?
By the way, it is.
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Gracie, the package we've got. Oh, look.
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Isn't this a sad letter? Dear Santa Claus, we've been waiting for you for a long, long time, but you never come to visit us. If you don't come this year, what will I tell the children? Sign, Mrs. Santa Claus.
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Gracie, Gracie, you got to find the trip.
When unexpected guests come knocking at your door like this, you get into a twizzy, catch your breath and say, oh, what shall I feed the bunch? Now look, if you keep Spam on your pantry shelf, this will happen. When folks start knocking, you'll go right to the door, open it up and say, come on in. You'll never worry about each. You'll have plenty of time to visit because you'll ask to be excused and go out into the kitchen like this. Then you open a can of Spam, cut off slices and place on toast. Then you put on a slice of tomato pickle or Bermuda onion and cover with thin slices of cheese. Pop that into the oven until the cheese melts, and there you have a hot Spanwich, a one plate meal that's sure to make a hit. Bring those hot Spanwiches out of the kitchen like this, and your guests will all say, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. The meaty flavor, the taste tempting goodness of Spam is something folks really get hungry for. When friends drop in this holiday season, serve them a hot Spamwich or serve Spam cold or fried or baked. The easy recipes are right on the Label fussy appetites like Spam because it's different. A perfect combination of sweet, juicy pork shoulder meat and tender, tasty ham meat. That's why Spam has extra goodness, extra flavor. To be sure of getting the real thing, always look for this sentence on the Spam label, pork shoulder meat with ham meat added. Tomorrow, say to your food dealer, I want Spam. You can serve it dozens of ways. Isn't that right, Smoothies?
Slice it, dice it, fry it, bake it, cold or hot. Slam hits a spot.
Tracy, get away from that window. We've got. Hey, stop pushing. Stop pushing. Stop pushing.
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Stop pushing. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
We did that.
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We did that. We did that.
C
We did that.
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Quiet. Quiet.
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Well, who's next?
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Gracie, will you come out from behind that stamp window? We got to find the script. Hey, sourpuss, get back in line. Miss, can I have a $0.01 stamp?
C
Well, we've got a $0.01 stamp if you really want it. But if I were you, I'd take one of our six cent stamps. They're a little more expensive, but they last longer and they're washable. And besides that, they look very pretty on your tongue.
B
Miss, I'd like a $0.01 stamp. The one that has Lincoln's picture on it.
C
Oh, which Lincoln do you mean? Henry Fonda or Walt Houston?
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Never mind. Next time I'll go by train.
C
Well, isn't that a silly man? Next. And what can I do for you, sir?
B
Remember me? I'm George Burns, Judge Burns.
C
Oh, weren't you in vaudeville?
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Yeah, we played together at the DeKalb in Brooklyn.
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Didn't you work with a very beautiful girl?
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Yes, and that happens to be you.
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Well, imagine running into me. It certainly is a small world.
B
Gracie, what about the script?
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Come out. Back in line. Oh, what can I do for you, madam? I hope I'm not too late, miss. Can I catch the China Clipper? Well, you might be able to if you put another feather in your hat.
B
Look, Gracie, what about the scripts? Will you come get back in line. Listen here. Get back in line. Well, look, miss, I've been writing with one of your pens, and I've got a handful of ink.
C
A handful of ink? Well, thanks for telling me. You may keep it for your honesty.
B
Tracy, what about the scripts? Get back in line. Look, I'm not getting back in line. Attaboy, George. You stay out of this. Anybody that talks that way to George Burns gets a punch in the nose. You know who I am? No, who are you? I'm the vice president of the Hormel Company, makers of Spam. You know who I am? No. Thank goodness.
Shame. I better get back in line. Senor Burns, will you mail this package to my brother? It's a pair of steel skin gloves. It's not steel skin. It's not steel. It's seal steel. No, no seal. Look what has a flat head, small eyes, a mustache and a beautiful fur coat. My brother's white.
Look, senor, I've got my own troubles. Gracie, we've got to find our script. Say, George, the scripts. No. Let's have spanwiches and tea with fibber McGee. Oh, go away. George, how'd you make up? Well, I certainly got a lot of help out of you. Artie, where have you been? What a madhouse this post office is. I sat down at that long table over there and before I knew it, I was Wade stamped and air mailed special the Pomona.
Now look, I've got to do something.
C
Well, George, your troubles are over. Here comes the superintendent and he's got my package under his arm.
B
Oh, no, no, no. Before I give it to you, miss, you'll have to answer a few questions. Now, what's your name?
C
Gracie. T, T, T, T, T, Allen.
B
What are all those T's for?
C
Well, when my daddy first saw me.
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He said.
Look, mister, can we have the package? Just a moment. Now, miss, can you identify yourself?
C
Well, certainly.
B
Where's my handbag? Right here, Gracie.
C
Oh, where'd I look? In the mirror. Yeah, that's me.
B
I can't stand up. This is awful. Well, never mind. Here's your pack. Well, thanks. Come on. Great. I've got the script. Come on, everybody, we've got to get out of here.
C
Ouch. Ouch. Oh, ouch. Oh, ouch.
B
Ouch. Well, come on, let's get back to the studio. Hey, taxi. Taxi.
And so tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you the second episode of Gracie Allen's dynamic play. As you remember, last week, George, Bud and Artie were in the jail, sentenced to be hanged. And Gracie was on her way back from the governor's offices where she'd been making a plea for their lives. The scene opens with the boys anxiously pacing their cell as Gracie arrives. Well, this is simply off. She's been away for the house. Never get over it.
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Oh, boys, I've got some terrible news for you.
B
You mean we're going to the gas chamber?
C
Worse than that.
B
We're going to be hanged.
C
Worse than that.
B
Electrocuted.
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You're worse than that.
B
Well, what can be worse than that?
C
I Left the scripts in the taxi.
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And now the smoothies.
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Bab.
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Shouting a little will sing. Take it, kids.
Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle on the way oh, what fun it is to ride In a one horse Holden sleigh Jingle bell bells, jingle bells jingle the way oh, what fun it is to ride a one horse open sleigh Crashing through the snow In a one horse open sleigh O the fields we go laughing all the way Bells on box hill ring Making spirits bright what fun it is to ride and sing by sleigh and song at night Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle the waves oh, what fun it is to ride In a one horse open sleigh Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way oh, what fun it is to sing this song tonight Now's the time to bring the cheer Jingle jingle, jingle jingle jingle bell Jingle jingle jingle jingle chandelier Jingly bells, jingly bells Christmas. Yay. Go hoyen Las campanas que yas Santa Claus alho. Jingle bells, jingle bells Hay felicida odos les desiamo suna merri navida. Now the time to bring the cheer Jingle jingle, jingle, jingle. Here comes George. Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle Sing it, George.
Ho ho. Jingle bell jing a lingerie Jingle bell jing a ling Jingle all the way oh, tell us, Georgie. Oh, what fun it is to ride in that one horse open Daddy, you said it. Jingle bell jingling Jingle bell jingling Jingle all the way we dig you, Georgie. How I love this time of year When I can always bring a cheer I know I really love to sing Some people say I sound like Bing so now I'm really going to swing oh, daddle a doodle da doodle.
Now's the time to jingle cheer Jingle, jingle, jingle jingle now it's fun Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle Sing it fun Jingle bells, jingle bells A happy man I am Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I didn't mention Spam.
C
Yeah.
B
Now's the time to jingle cheer Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle look who's here. Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle Grace is here.
C
Here I am Here I am exalting all for you I wish you all good Christmas cheer A bright and happy coming year My mother and I, My brother and I My daddy and sisters Day to gather round and sing with us this merry Christmas day Jingle bells.
B
Jingle bells Jingle all the way oh, what fun it's to ride in a one horse open plane Merry Christmas to you.
Every day, more and more families discover that Spam solves mealtime problems quickly. Originated by Hormel, Spam has become the most popular meat item brought out in a generation. Spam is tender, juicy meat with a taste and a flavor all its own. Fry golden brown slices for breakfast. Serve Spam cold for lunch. Just as it comes from the Cam Bake Spam for dinner. Look for the easy recipes on the label. If you haven't yet tried Spam, now's the time. You're really missing something extra good. Tomorrow, ask your food dealer for S P A M Spam. Thanks, Bud. Well, Gracie, say good night.
C
Well, good night. Say, George, I just thought of a riddle.
B
Riddle? What is it?
C
What did the Governor of North Carolina say to the Governor of South Carolina?
B
What did he say?
C
Merry Christmas.
B
Good night, Ollie.
Have you tried Hormel Chili con Carne? Even those who think they don't like chili do like Chili con Carne the way Hormel makes it. Because it's different and everybody likes it. Double your money back if you don't like it. Try Hormel Chili con Carne tomorrow. Join us again next week for Burns and Allen with Artie Shaw and his orchestra and the smoothies. This is Bud Heaston speaking for Hormel and Spam, reminding you that Spam hits the spot. This is the national broadcasting company.
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B
This holiday season, reach for the one butter that never disappoints. Kerrygold. Made with milk from grass fed cows.
C
On Irish family farms, it's rich, creamy and perfect for baking. Whether browning butter for cookies or crafting.
B
The flakiest pie crust, Kerrygold's high butterfat content makes all the difference in flavor and texture. Holiday treats will taste extraordinary.
Episode Date: December 10, 2025 (original broadcast December 23, 1940)
Podcast Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Featured Cast: George Burns, Gracie Allen, Artie Shaw, Bud Heaston, The Smoothies
Theme: A classic, fast-paced holiday episode blending music, zany comedy, and Christmas shenanigans.
This episode of The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show is a delightful comedic romp set around the holidays. As the cast prepares for a special Christmas radio play, the main plot centers on Gracie’s frantic and increasingly nonsensical search for the missing scripts—lost amidst Christmas shopping, oddball errands, and escapades at the post office. True to form, the ensemble mixes classic vaudeville banter, witty one-liners, musical performances, and lighthearted chaos, all sprinkled with Christmas cheer and the recurring theme of Spam—the sponsor’s product.
Timestamp: 02:41 – 06:00
Timestamp: 06:26 – 13:46
Gracie’s Misadventures:
Gracie can’t remember where she left the radio scripts, launching into a long-winded, tangential story about her day, involving music in a drugstore, weighing herself, feeding pigeons, and confusing encounters with sales clerks.
Christmas Shopping Confusion:
Gracie reveals she took all her Christmas presents—including the scripts—to the post office and accidentally addressed everything to the May Company exchange department.
Timestamp: 15:41 – 24:40
At the Post Office:
The group navigates huge lines, encounters a colorful clerk, and Gracie causes further chaos by talking her way behind the counter, reading children’s letters to Santa aloud, and making increasingly nonsensical jokes.
Stamp Window Routine:
Gracie, pretending to be a postal clerk, tries to upsell stamps, confuses actors for presidents (Henry Fonda as Lincoln), and riffles with George about their vaudeville days.
Resolution:
The superintendent finally appears with Gracie’s missing package—but only after a string of perfectly-timed, madcap identification questions.
Timestamp: 24:53 – 25:29
Timestamp: 25:39 – 28:37
The Smoothies (the vocal group) and the cast launch into an extended, joyous rendition of “Jingle Bells,” with jokes and even lines in Spanish.
Gracie’s Holiday Message:
Timestamp: 29:26–29:37
Gracie’s logic-defying charm:
Mailroom Mayhem:
Meta-Commentary:
Holiday Spirit:
| Segment | Timestamp | |------------------------------- |------------| | Opening Banter | 02:41–06:00 | | Gracie’s Search for Scripts | 06:26–13:46 | | Post Office Chaos | 15:41–24:40 | | The “Dynamic Play” Resumes | 24:53–25:29 | | “Jingle Bells” Musical Finale | 25:39–28:37 | | Final Gag and Goodnight | 29:26–29:37 |