
WOR Jean Shepherd 1975-12-24 - Pole Line Christmas
Loading summary
A
Holidays bring feasting, Fluffy dinner rolls, tasty stuffing and your family's French toast bakes with Herobred. Indulge in your holiday favorites. Made with Herobred sliced bread, loaves, bagels, croissants, buttermilk biscuits and more. And don't forget their Hero Hawaiian rolls. With 4 grams of protein and 0 grams net carbs, HeroBred has you covered with 0 to 5 grams net carb and higher fiber options so your holidays stay delicious and balanced. Like their 3 grams net carb pan au chocolat. Herobred is offering 10% off your order. Go to Hero Co code fall 25 at checkout. That's fall 25 at Hero Co. All figures are per serving of Hero bread. Contains up to 17 grams of fat per serving. See the product nutrition panels on Hero Co for more information.
B
And now, here's Gene Shepherd.
C
It's. It's.
B
You don't mind, in spite of the fact that it is Christmas Eve, that I be allowed the use of this holly covered microphone. This is the official microphone. Of course, since it is Christmas, they've given all of us lesser lights here at this important avenue of self expression. Important radio station. They've given us all a little laxity and leeway. And I'm being allowed to use John Gambling's actual microphone. It's this teakwood mounted microphone with the. With the ivory knob. It's very nice. Do I sound better, Tony? Sounds good.
C
It's got knobs on it.
B
Yeah. Button up your lips. Built up one of my favorite handicap expressions. Well, it's Christmas Eve and one of the great things about Christmas Eve. Excuse me. I just discovered something. When I come in here to do this little thing here, this little show that these keys sound exactly like. Doesn't it sound. Doesn't it sound authentic? These are my keys. Listen. You know, I sound like one of those guys standing in front of Macy's with a Santa Claus suit. You know, Sounds like an endless. All right, if you will, Tony, please. This is my favorite Bill DOC record of the year.
C
Bring it up. Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all right. All the way oh, what a fun it is to ride on horse Open. Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way.
B
Let me play a little of this aphrodisiac music here.
C
Sad.
B
That's kind of nice. Isn't it set that Tony said they're not listening. Anyway, on this night, I hope they're not listening. Gee, it would be real sad to see somebody on a Christmas Eve sitting around listening to the radio. That would Be sad. That's one of the things I like about holidays in this racket is that there's every so often holiday comes along and you know nobody's listening and you can do all this great stuff and say all these bad things, but nevertheless, that is my favorite bill dock record of the year, the New York Jets. In case you're curious, Tony, did you notice that's what it says, The New York jets singing Jingle Bells. And it has one of the wackiest uninformed record jackets I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, it's the New York jets singing Jingle Bells. Yes. Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to. Oh, do I know some lyrics to that one. Well, I'd love to sing them to you tonight, but I guess the kids would still be up and it doesn't make any difference. They're not listening. They got better fish to fry than they hear the radio at this hour. So I think I might as well, you know, tell you why I'm somewhat. You notice a little giddy here tonight. It's Christmas Eve. Every Christmas Eve that I'm not in the army, I give thanks for the fact that I'm not in the army. I mean, there are certain days when you look around, you say, oh my God, I'm not in the army. Oh, man. Other times you don't even think about it, you know. But for those of you who wonder why anybody who's ever spent any time in the service continually talks about the service or he doesn't continue to do it, but he brings it out occasionally is because this is a soul searing experience. It's a basic experience, it's one you can't forget. And anybody who's been in has a bond with anybody who's ever been in. And anybody who's in at this minute has a bond with all other ex yardbirds going all the way back to Oliver Cromwell's time. And before he feels a Bond with the PFCs who followed Hannibal's elephants over the Alps carrying that great badge of the GI to shovel. Right. Ain't none of us can ever forget. And especially on Christmas Eve, because I remember. I remember one particular Christmas Eve which anytime, you know, Christmas comes up, I always think of that particular Christmas Eve. And it was in the army, you know, you never see in the movies, you don't see much about real life in the army. And at this time tonight, you know, Christmas Eve walk around and, you know, it's kind of cold, it's wintertime. The whole bit here. And you see the red lights and the green lights and the people, the great crowds up and down on the escalators at Macy's. The whole thing that's, you know, it's Christmas. It's a thing. Whether or not you believe in Christmas, whether or not you're Christian or whatever you might be, the folk holiday that you celebrate is a moment, and this is true of all true holidays. It's a moment of curious communion between people. The holiday is an important thing. In fact, you'll find holidays in every tribe. There are holidays and there is a parallel to Christmas in every conceivable tribe, including some of the most remote primitive tribes of the Pacific. There is a holiday just like Christmas that may not be about Christmas. It may not have the same mythology, so forth, and. But it's a holiday, see? So I'm walking along the street this afternoon, as a matter of fact. You know, it's cold, last minute shopping, all that jazz. And I see this yard bird going along, see, GI Clunking along, and I think, oh, my. I know, man, I know. And I could tell he was not home. He was not. There's a certain way that a guy in the army is when he's home on leave. And then there's the aimless way that you see guys moving along and they ain't home and he just sort of aimlessly shuffling along with that sort of glazed eye that you get when you're not part of a scene. You're just sort of observing the scene. And one Christmas Eve. But. Jingle bells, jingle bells. Excuse me. That's a salute to the sales department. Oh, by the way, I got the most lovely note from the sales department telling me that, you know, it's been great. Christmas is wonderful. And now at this time of the year, we're celebrating Christmas here at the station. Everything has been a good year at the station. And then the next few paragraph, a little subtle warning. We're going to have to be a little more careful about them commercials in the next year. I like these. I like the commercial type of Christmas greeting. They're so. Somehow there's a certain transparent cupidity in it that I kind of enjoy. I like honest cupidity. Maybe that's one of the reasons why old Ebenezer Stooge is such an important character in literature. You remember him, Tony? Remember him? Humbug. Well, he was. He was unabashed cupidity personified. He was looking for the buck or the pound in his day, the shilling, the toughpence and he just embodied it. Of course, ultimately he came to heal, as all true practitioners of the art of cupidity eventually must. That is in folklore. In reality, I've seen the practitioners of that well known art of cupidity. That's a great word. Is it cupidity? It's associated, you know, with cupid. Think about it for a minute. Cupidity is associated with cupid. What does cupid stand for? Love. Well, cupidity is excessive love of D, E, A, U, X, bucks do. And so nevertheless, I've noticed in my own experience that those who practice the art of cupidity excessively always wind up on the fantail of their own 50 foot Hatteras yacht off the coast of one of the better Bahamian islands. And the rest of us write folk stories about how you always lose by your cupidity. But that's neither here nor there. I'm so, you know, so feeling so great just because I'm not. Well, I'm where I want to be on Christmas. Really. That's an important thing, you know, just to be where you want to be. I want to be here. I mean, I'm going to tell you a terrible thing. And for those of you who are out there in the boondocks, you're going to get bugged when you hear this. I like New York, I repeat. In fact, I more than like New York. I dig New York, which is a terrible. Especially this time. I don't know something about it. Especially this time of the year. There's just so much going on all the time. And I always feel sorry for the poor outlander who arrives in New York and looks at it with the glazed eyes of confusion, who then writes home about how much better it is in Indianapolis in a pigs. You know what? Having spent one Christmas in Indianapolis, I can disagree with that.
D
Loudly with stays under $250 a night. VRBO makes it easy to celebrate sweater weather. Book a cabin with leaf views or a home with a fire pit for nights with friends with stays under $250 a night. Find a home for your exact needs. Book now@vrbo.com VRBO helps you swap gift wrap time for quality time. Go to VRBO now and book a last minute week long stay and save over $390 this holiday season. Book your next vacation rental home on VRBO. Average savings $396 select homes only.
B
However, one Christmas and I want to tell you a story tonight. I'll tell you a Christmas story tonight about one Christmas that forever has Made me thankful that I'm just not in the army, that's all. There's a lot of things about being in the army or in the Navy or the Marines, any one of the armed services, when you look back on it. There's a curious warmth that you feel about a lot of things. Wouldn't you agree with that, Tony? Because of the people you knew and all the things that happened and the guys you met. You never hear that side of it, of course, in, you know, protests. But this is true. It's a curious kind of a club. And in a way, you really pull together, united, each yardbird with the next by a curious kind of common enemy. Whatever the common enemy is. It's never the enemy that is being fought in the war. It's never. The enemy really is just being there in a real way, just being there. And then it's usually all the things above it. It's the great drifting tide, the snow fall, the drift of orders that come down. And the feeling of being a. A chip on a vast sea with unknown currents. You can't control it. And this Christmas, this particular Christmas, they had a rule. I was stationed in this camp way out somewhere in the boondocks. In fact, it was in the Ozarks. Now, the Ozarks are very colorful in certain areas. But then there's other areas of the Ozarks that are kind of lost, misbegotten and remote. Certain parts of the Ozarks, you might as well be on Mars as far as your contact with human beings are concerned. And this vast camp that I was stationed in at that time was a good 6, 700 miles from any major city. And they had a rule. And that came down. There was a note on the. On the bulletin board. You know, the bulletin board outside of the orderly room in any company is a kind of rallying place for the universal gripe. This is where the bad news always emerges. Like an iceberg coming out of the Bering Sea. It's never really abrupt, never really says, as of this date, everybody's in trouble. You know, that would be kind of nice. But a couple of days before Christmas, maybe a week before Christmas, they circulated this order, this fool's cap. And it was up on a bulletin board. And everybody's standing around looking at it. It says, as of this date, by ex army headquarters, order of command, order of, Et cetera, et cetera, all kinds of numbers and stuff. One third of all personnel in every company, in every operating company will be confined find to base on Christmas holiday. You ever See that order. Well, now, how many of you know that that is an actual. You know, it's a politic. It has to be, you know, they can't let everybody. This is the way it goes, see? So there was, you know, there was immediately there was this fantastic sense of insecurity. Who's going to go, who ain't going to go. That's more important. Out of every bunch of guys standing in front of the orderly room, at least one out of three was going nowhere, period. Well, every last guy in the company had put in for a leave over Christmas, which is standard. Everybody says, I want to get home or I want to go somewhere. So everybody put in for leave. Well, apparently they drew him by hat or something. I don't know how they ever did it. But the day arrived before Christmas. It was like. It was the day before. It was like December 23rd. In other words, the day before Christmas Eve, not the day of Christmas Eve. All the whistles blew. It's 12 noon just before chow and all of us were brought out into the company street. And it was cold. I want to tell you, it was cold. That wind was howling down out of those mountains till, you know, hell wouldn't have it. Fantastic. And it was a driving, hard, sleeting snow. And that afternoon we were to go out to the pole line construction, what they call the practice yard, which really was about 5,000 flat acres of mud. And on this mud there was a great bristling forest of stripped telephone poles. That is one of the most desolate sites in the world. If you've ever seen it, you'll never forget it. These telephone poles were of different sizes ranging all the way up to 60 footers, from little 15 footers all the way up to 60 footers. And they kind of marched to the horizon like a denuded forest that have been hit by some terrible blight. Just telephone poles, wooden poles sticking up in long lines. And this is where the Signal Corps men practiced putting up equipment on tele. You see the wooden telephone poles with somebody's got to climb to the top of them. And that was what Company K was involved in. And he's had a rough job. And so at 12 noon we were called out. We stood there in our helmet liners, GI raincoats, gas masks, leggings, dog tags, all of it dressed in class D fatigues which in 35 seconds in the wind from the mountains off the Ozarks are soaked through, soaked through while we're standing out there waiting and Kowalski's got that clipboard and on that clipboard are the names of the guys that are going home. And he starts reading them out. I just stood there and he's reading them names off. There's about 260 guys in this company. One after the other, he's reading them out. And every time he'd read a name, you'd hear some guy holler, you know, and then he'd give a glare, look around, at ease. He's reading the names. And finally he put the clipboard down and he said, that's all. Company attention. Dismissed. And we started to wander out down towards the child, the mess hall. I was not on the list. Gasser was not on the list. Edwards was on the list. And were a lot of us that just weren't going to make it. And you could see the difference. This one crowd just wah. They ran like mad for the barracks because they wanted to start packing their stuff, you know, to get out of camp. The next day they were all leaving at 0800. So they ran like mad. Bags. They weren't even going to eat because they didn't have time, man, they were going to pack all the stuff and everything. All excited because we had till something like 1:30 for Chow, something like that. 12:30, 1:30. And so the rest of us drifted on down to the mess hall. We ain't going nowhere. We sat down, we're eating our sos, knocking down our GI bread, drinking a coffee. Gassy sitting next to me says, all right, you might know it. I said, oh, well, look at it this way, Gassy. You know, what would you, you know, you had to spend all the money on them gifts and all that stuff. Yeah, yeah, that would have been tough, wouldn't it? Yeah, you'd have to sit down, eat this Christmas dinner and all that stuff. Probably make you sick. I mean, after all, you know, we're so used to salt pork. I mean, you know, turkey may make you sick or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. Never thought of it that way. GI humor. So 20 minutes later, we are marching out to the pole line practice construction yard, and we're completely in our equipment, totally in the pole line construction equipment. Now, you've probably seen linemen from time to time. Every time I see a lineman today, I feel a sense of simpatico. A lineman equipment usually consists of a big safety belt. And of course, another belt that goes right around your waist is always hung very low down around your hips. And on this belt with clips, brass clips, is your equipment, which consists of a big leather case with all your wire cutters, your splicing equipment, your pliers, you always have a flashlight, you always have a continuity tester. All this stuff is on this big thing on your hip. On the other side of your hip, you usually have your big medical case in case you cut yourself open up there on the top, you could whip out a sulfur bandage or something. You know, this is all that and all the way around. You see, we've got all this stuff hanging, flashlights and junk and plus your sidearm. You always have to go up with a sidearm. And this is all strapped on the outside of our raincoat, which makes us each one feel like we weigh 7,000 pounds. In addition, of course, the gas masks and all the rest of the jazz and tin helmet and all the rest of it. So we're marching on with the climbers. Now, I don't know whether you've ever climbed with climbers. That's an experience too. And you know, you get so you kind of like it after a while, you know, once you start, get over your initial fear. Climbers consists of two spurs that are on the inside of your foot, roughly about your instep, a little bit behind your instep and they go up, they go all the way up to your knee. Actually, it's a rod, steel rod, flat steel plate goes up the inside of your knee and it straps under your knee and it straps around your ankle. Well, we had our climbers attached to our belt. We're going out into this wind and the wind is howling and it's just a driving sleety rain. Now we're out at the practice yard and five minutes later I'm up at the top of a 60 foot pole, slowly edging my way up. And gas is off to my left and off to my right is Edwards. He's on a pole. We're all on 60 foot poles and I could see him off one on the left, one on the right. And when you're at the top of a 60 foot pole, the wind causes that pole to move, I would say 2, 3ft. Sometimes it just moves back. It can cut you off. 60ft doesn't sound like much to you, but I'll give you a better perspective on it. 60ft is roughly five stories. So if you can imagine yourself hanging on nothing five stories above the ground and below you is nothing but red clay and the wind blowing the rain pouring down over the top of your steel helmet. And I had a crossbar. That was what I was supposed to be doing. I was bolting a Crossbar on the top of this thing, which I had dragged up by a rope. You see the rope, and you pull the crossbar up there. And finally I get this thing up. And I had a big bolt that I was going to shove through this thing. And two cleats that went on either side of it to keep it from spinning. And the wind is blowing back and forth. I could feel this thing moving under my hands, just back and forth. And on the outsides of it were these two big green insulators just moving back and forth. And I get this thing through. And I could see Gaster over there. He's wrestling with his. And the wind is howling. And Gather who was taller than I was. He got his on first. Being tall helps in a scene like that. Because your arms can, you know, stretch way out. But he got this thing on, and he's hanging on there, watching me. And I can see his face under his helmet, this wind. And the sleet is coming down. And I'm putting this thing on. And all of a sudden, for some.
C
Reason or other, I don't know why I did it.
B
It's one of the reasons why I've never gotten to be Johnny Carson. I got a bad mind. Right in the middle of all that, the wind is howling and the rain is coming down. And I could see the little icicles forming on the edge of my helmet. They used to form in little droplets like that. I'm wrestling with this tremendous crossbar. Which is about 10 or 12ft across. It's a big crossbar. All of a sudden, for no reason at all, I started to sing.
C
Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Jingle ta da da da da.
B
One horse opens, and Gassy's looking over at me. He's got this strange blank face. And on the other side of me, of course, is Edward, who is going to home for Christmas. And Edwards was hanging onto his crossbar. And all three of us then started to sing this thing.
C
Jingle bell, jingle bell.
B
And you could hear a couple of other ragged voices coming from various poles. Around and down on the ground. I could see this redheaded corporal, this guy who was in charge of the pole line construction practice. Yard boy. What a mean character he was. In fact, I'll never forget one thing about him one day. Which I will not go into at this time. But he did a thing one day when I was out there. I was there the day it happened. Which later showed up in a short story in the New Yorker. I didn't write it. I just read this short story. And it had to be about this guy because I was there, I saw it happen. So he's marching around back down there looking real, real gi. A total GI character. And he was from someplace like Anniston, Alabama.
D
VRBO helps you swap gift wrap time for quality time. Go to VRBO now and book a last minute week long stay and save over $390 this holiday season. Book your next vacation rental home on VRBO. Average savings $396. Select homes only.
E
If you're the purchasing manager at a manufacturing plant, you know having a trusted partner makes all the difference. That's why hands down, you count on Grainger for auto reordering. With on time restocks, your team will have the cut resistant gloves they need need at the start of their shift. And you can end your day knowing they've got safety well in hand. Call 1-800-granger. Click granger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.
C
Looks something he says that ease up there. You guys are working on them poles. I don't want to hear no singing up there.
B
I guess it said something. Just a single word. Well, actually it was a single phrase, classic GI phrase. And I want to tell you it was long before Dylan's blowing in the wind. That phrase blew in the wind. And that guy looks up and says.
C
What do you say up there? Did I hear you say something up there?
B
Nothing. Because at different altitudes you hear different things. And everybody on top of the poles heard it and all the guys on the bottom didn't. We hung up there at the top of those things till about 2:30 until we finally got the wires on our practice crossbars on and our practice insulators. And I slowly crawled down and getting down, in case you're curious, is more dangerous than going up for anyone who's done any extensive high level climbing. These are high, by the way. This is called high wire climbing. Whenever you go above 35ft, you're climbing high. And when you're climbing high, you've got to be careful of a lot of things. Wind, twist, that's another thing. You know, the pole moves in a curious corkscrew fashion. And that's a dangerous way to move because it can cut your. That's called cutting out. When your spur is cut out, that's called cutting out. And that belt is not really a safety belt. That belt is really a thing you lean back on. Because if you start to fall off one of those poles, that belt does not help you. In fact it can Kill you. If you start to fall, what happens with that belt? That belt keeps you close to the pole and you slide down. What you in effect do is you just sort of slide down on the outside of that pole and you're killed by gigantic splinters. Some guys will pick up a splinter that's two or three feet long and just go right through them like a knife. So what you do when you're falling, when you feel that you're going to go, and there's no way when you're going to go, you just hit that safety belt, there's a catch on it and it releases you. You push yourself away from the pole and you literally go into a free fall. Well, this is all technical things, which are rather boring on a Christmas Eve. So we climbed down this pole. I remember standing on the ground below, looking up and the crossbars moving. Now, of course, what you've got to do now is go back up and take it off. That's the next thing. And so all afternoon we climbed up and down that pole, that icy wind. And that night, it's about six o', clock, we marched back to camp, which is a good eight miles. You polish off a good afternoon's work on the poles with an 8 mile hike, usually a double time, to get back in time for chow. So we clumped back into the company area and at that point, one third of the company's morale was roughly running along with the snails. The other two thirds of the company's morale was incredible. I mean, they were on top of it. They were singing and hollering and the rest of us were just sort of dragging along. Curious how you begin to have the feeling of the haves and the have nots just by a simple order that comes down out of some mysterious headquarters someplace. Have you, have you ever had the sensation that orders have been cut for your life? Somewhere? Someplace somebody has put something on your internal invisible service record, your life service record that you are never going to be allowed to rise above Corporal. That's the way it goes. And all the others have been given commissions. And so nevertheless, I remember coming back into the company area and it's cold and windy and we lined up just before supper, before chow. We dumped our equipment out into the barracks, our climbers and all that stuff. And now we're standing out there in our raincoats. We haven't even had time to wash up. And old Kowalski's out there again with his clipboard. He saw it, men. He saw you guys been given Christmas leave. We Just got notification from battalion headquarters that anybody who's been given leave is now free to leave the company area immediately following chow. And you guys can clear out right after chow. Well, of course, they were expecting the next day. And of course, immediately a gigantic cheer went up, which made it even worse than the rest of us. We figured if we could keep those guys in misery, at least overnight, it'd be worth something, you know. But there's a fantastic cheer. And so, okay, that's the way it goes. And immediately these guys all go running back to. They're not even going to eat, you know, they go running back to the barracks like mad. They're getting their bags and all that stuff and I go clumping off the chow. Sit down. Me, Gasser, Zinsmeister, half another gold bird. Bunch of the guys sitting around eating listlessly. And that night we had fried liver, which is always fun in the army. We had fried liver and fried liver and cabbage salad. I always had a thing called cabbage salad. And pickled beets. The army has a thing on pickled beets. So we're sitting there eating cabbage and pickled beets and fried liver. We had this purple Kool Aid they always gave us too. It was called Juice. Drinking that stuff and talking. And outside you could hear this muffled merriment of the rest of the company running back and forth, howling.
C
You know, stuff like, hey, listen, I'll meet you down by the bus station. Yeah, hurry up, get the bag, for crying out loud, I can't wait all day for you.
B
That kind of stuff, you know, the imminent departure of your fellows. And so that night they were gone. The barracks was almost empty. I'm sitting on my bunk and somebody, one of my aunts had sent me a package of Christmas cookies, which you were always getting in the army. And these Christmas cookies had become petrified on route. Not only petrified, but pulverized en route. I remember having this big box of cookies that was totally reduced to some kind of like. Well, it actually was more like ground up oatmeal or something. They were all crunched together. See, there were little, you know, these little red and green balls that they decorate Christmas cookies with. And it was all mixed up in this kind of furry, fuzzy looking kind of pulverized concrete. And I sat on the edge of my bunk, me and Gasser, and we're eating cookies using our canteen cup, spoon, you know, the spoon you get at the end of this is our utensil, as they call it, our spoon utensil. It's typical army Nomenclature. And we're eating cookies with a spoon. And Gasser has dug out of his footlocker. He dug out a couple of cans of GI beers that he got someplace. I don't know whether you've ever had GI beer that's lukewarm with pulverized Christmas cookies. A couple other guys come in, sat down. One guy's got a candy bar. We cut that up, eaten that. And the reason we didn't go down to get more candy bars was there had been no candy bars at our PX since roughly the middle of November. All they had were pillows that said mother on them. Which doesn't help much on Christmas Eve. And so the next morning we fall out one third of the company. And this is the day of Christmas. All the rest are gone. Not one guy left in the camp. The place is deserted. Kowalski still there on top of it. He walks around. Sorry, you guys. Since it's Christmas, you can see he hated doing it. Since it's Christmas. Tell you what let's do. Let's knock off everything. You guys want to go back to the sack, go ahead. If you want to come out to chow and have breakfast, it's okay with me. We're going to knock off through Christmas day, just don't do nothing. Is that okay with you guys? We just stood there in the rain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
C
Who's going to say no?
B
You know who's going to say no? I want to go back out of the pole line construction. I want to practice splices over Christmas. This is what I want to do. He says, you guys could fall out. You just don't make too much noise. The exec sleeping. So we fell out, drifted back to the barracks. Then I went down to the chow hall and nobody's in the chow hall. That's the great thing about nobody's in the mess hall. Nobody at all in the mess hall. Just a couple of cooks back there and two or three mad looking KPs and they're cooking up anything you want. That's one of the great things about being around when there's a holiday and you're stuck and I walk in and usually the stuff is all made there. You know, you take the French toast or like it, that's it cooked in kerosene, you know, that's the end of it. And so the message, how do you want your eggs? You want eggs?
C
You want pancakes?
B
How about bacon?
C
How would you like a little fried ham?
B
This is the army celebrating itself, see. So I get myself about seven fried eggs and a big Slab of bacon, a gallon of coffee which I carry back in a big jug. And I sat down there and I'm eating my coffee, drinking the stuff you eat. Army coffee generally, by the way. It's good. Incidentally, I like army coffee. Do you agree, Tony? You bet it is. So I'm drinking a coffee and eating the eggs, fresh eggs sitting around here when it hit. In comes Gaffer. He says, you seen. You seen the bulletin board, Shep? I says, what? He says, guess who's picking up guard duty tonight at 8. It's guard duty. You bet, guard duty. I went back and I laid on my bunk at 10 minutes to 8. I got up slowly, got dressed, put on my raincoat, put on my gas mask, picked up my M1, put on my cartridge belt, put on my leggings, put on everything that I had to put on, including my tin hat. And I dragged myself down to the orderly room. And all the rest of that night I stood guard down at the end of the rifle range. With the rain coming down, the wind howling around the shacks, moving back and forth, back and forth, my mind a total blank. Once in a great while I would be reminded that it's Christmas off in the distance. Since I'd see some GI walking along, I said, it's Christmas, why am I. And the wind would blow and. And every half hour a jeep would come around the corner, the rain slanting through the. Through the headlights. And the corporal of the guard would be sitting in the front seat once in a while with the officer of the guard. I remember the last, the last go round. My last trick was at six o' clock in the morning. Two hour trick. The guy comes around and he drove off in the mud. As he drove off in the mud, he says, look.
C
He said, take it easy, soldier. Oh, by the way, Merry Christmas.
B
I said, merry Christmas, sir. I could see the glint of his wet first lieutenant's bars on his wet raincoat. And I had the vague feeling he didn't like it anymore than I did. Somewhere, someplace, he too is probably saying, it's Christmas Eve. Thank God I ate in the army.
E
If you're the purchasing manager at a manufacturing plant, you know having a trusted partner makes all the difference. That's why hands down, you count on Grainger for auto reordering with on time restocks, your team will have the cut resistant gloves they need need at the start of their shift. And you can end your day knowing they've got safety well in hand. Call 1-800-GRAINGER click granger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.
F
You're tuned into Auto intelligence live from AutoTrader, where data, tools and your preferences sync to make your car shopping smooth. They're searching inventory. Oh, yeah. They find what you need, they gonna find it. You can make a budget for your wallet to help you succeed. Pricing is precise and true, so true Just for you. Oh, it's just for you. Find your next ride@autotrader.com powered by auto Intelligence.
Episode: WOR Jean Shepherd 1975-12-24 - Pole Line Christmas
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Air Date: December 18, 2025
Featured Speaker: Jean Shepherd
This episode presents a Christmas Eve radio broadcast by the legendary Jean Shepherd, originally aired on WOR in 1975. With his signature wit and nostalgia, Shepherd recounts his experiences of Christmas in the U.S. Army, focusing on a particularly memorable (and miserable) holiday spent at a remote training camp. Blending humor, irony, and vivid storytelling, Shepherd explores themes of camaraderie, longing, and what it means to be away from home during the holidays.
"Gee, it would be real sad to see somebody on a Christmas Eve sitting around listening to the radio. That would be sad." (04:32)
"There is a parallel to Christmas in every conceivable tribe... It's a moment of curious communion between people." (08:45)
Shepherd shares a vivid, detailed account of the time he spent Christmas in an Army camp far from home—a place so isolated in the Ozarks that "you might as well be on Mars" in terms of contact with humanity.
"Out of every bunch of guys standing in front of the orderly room, at least one out of three was going nowhere, period." (13:50)
Recounts being assigned miserable outdoor training on Christmas Eve—climbing icy, wind-blown telephone poles with cumbersome gear.
"All of a sudden, for no reason at all, I started to sing: 'Jingle bells, jingle bells...'" (25:43)
"And all three of us then started to sing this thing." (26:06)
The contrast in morale between those granted Christmas leave and those left behind:
"Curious how you begin to have the feeling of the haves and the have nots just by a simple order that comes down out of some mysterious headquarters someplace." (31:47)
After the departures, the remaining soldiers are given an unexpected reprieve:
"That's the great thing about nobody's in the mess hall. Just a couple of cooks back there...and they're cooking up anything you want." (36:52) "And all the rest of that night I stood guard down at the end of the rifle range. With the rain coming down, the wind howling around the shacks..." (38:30)
"This is a soul searing experience. It's a basic experience, it's one you can't forget. And anybody who's been in has a bond with anybody who's ever been in. And anybody who's in at this minute has a bond with all other ex yardbirds..." (06:22)
"I like New York, I repeat. In fact, I more than like New York. I dig New York, which is a terrible... Especially this time." (11:09)
"Five minutes later I'm up at the top of a 60 foot pole, slowly edging my way up...wind blowing, the rain pouring down over the top of your steel helmet..." (21:14)
"GI humor. So 20 minutes later, we are marching out to the pole line practice construction yard, and we're completely in our equipment, totally in the pole line construction equipment." (17:25)
“Somewhere, someplace, he too is probably saying, it’s Christmas Eve. Thank God I ain’t in the army.” (40:00)
| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|---------| | 02:12 | Shepherd begins, sets Christmas Eve scene, holiday reflections | | 06:22 | On the unbreakable bonds of Army service | | 13:01 | The Army's Christmas leave policy and unlucky draw | | 17:25 | Humorous resignation and heading to the pole line yard | | 21:14 | Describing pole line practice in miserable conditions | | 25:43 | Breaking into "Jingle Bells" atop the poles | | 31:47 | Reflections on morale, the haves vs. the have-nots | | 36:52 | Empty barracks, generous cooks, quiet mess hall | | 38:30 | Christmas night: lonely guard duty in the rain | | 40:00 | Epilogue: finding some solace in not being in the Army this Christmas |
Jean Shepherd’s tone combines wry humor, self-deprecation, and affectionate reminiscence. His colloquial, engaging storytelling style pulls listeners into the sights, sounds, and sensations of his Army Christmas, highlighting both the absurdity and warmth found even in adversity.