B (3:27)

You know what it makes me think of, Muriel, is so last week I was actually working on a communication challenge and that was a presentation to the board. It turned out to be like 4 1/2 seconds of my speaking. But somehow it took over my entire life. And what I really needed to do to figure out was how to calm myself so I could be present, so I could hear what people were saying, really listen to the questions, and it sounds a lot like what you were just talking about.

D (3:55)

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think mindfulness has become such a big word and we can get overwhelmed by it. I know I have where, like, what the heck is this thing we call mindfulness? Like, what are people talking about? Right. And even like breathing. But then once I got it that it's just a matter of like trying to anchor yourself and trying to stay with what the person is staying because that's the only thing that's happening at the moment, then I kind of got what that means. And so calming yourself down in that way, sometimes just getting some type of anchor, it could be the other person's voice or your own is really helpful in doing that.

B (4:31)

So.

C (4:32)

Yeah, I love that. You know, I have to say for me, and I don't think either of you will be surprised to hear this, but the thing I'm working on is not just talking and talking and talking because I'm tired or unfocused or not able to listen. And I just fill the time. Actually, this happened this morning. I said some very long three sentence thing to EVB and she summarized it in like a three word, you know, phrase. And I was like, yeah, that's what I meant.

D (4:55)

Right.

B (4:57)

You were finding.

D (4:58)

I was.

C (4:59)

But that's my. That's my challenge.

D (5:01)

Right. Is.

C (5:01)

Is the just talking and not being able to like, stop.

D (5:05)

Stop. Right. Because we're too tired to stop sometimes. Right.

C (5:11)

We have 8 million things happening in our head at the same time. I'm trying to listen, I'm trying to say this. Is this the right thing? I'm trying to monitor the person's reaction. I'm also dealing with all the stuff that's not even in the room at the moment. Right. All the stress in my life that's not there.

B (5:26)

Muriel, I've been dying to ask you this. How do you know if you're even in the right frame of mind to deliver an important message of any sort.

D (5:36)

Mm. Look, I think it takes a practice to figure that out. I mean, I just mentioned mindfulness. Right. And what does that actually mean? It's being aware of what's happening for you at the moment. You know, a lot of times we might run into a communication or meeting or presentation, and halfway through, we feel like we're running out of steam. Or afterwards, we feel like, oh, man, I was too tired to do that, or I just wasn't really prepared. But that doesn't really help. What helps is being aware of that before you go so that then you can do something about it. So I think the first place is really checking in with yourself. Right. How am I feeling? Do I feel tired? Do I feel frustrated? Do I feel angry? What are the emotions that are happening? Am I prepared? Right. At a real tactical level? And based on what your answer is, then knowing what can you do within the time that you have, whether it's a no, no go decision, and if it's a go decision, which I'm sure we're going to explore, how do you handle it? But I think the first place is really to start with, where am I? And most people don't even know that part.

C (6:46)

Yeah, I struggle with that because sometimes I think I'm fine.

D (6:49)

Right?

C (6:49)

Like, I feel the energy of, like, oh, no, okay, we're in it. We're in it. And then I look back and I think, oh, I was not prepared to have that conversation, or I was not ready to deliver that message.

D (7:00)

You have to figure out what your threshold is. Like, what are your blocks? For me, even if I'm. I mean, I feel like I'm. I probably. Probably shouldn't say this, but I'll say it anyway. I mean, I feel like I'm, like, persistently tired. Like, I just, you know, But I'm. I'm an endurance person, so I'm okay with, you know, and then I have to take breaks. So even if I'm tired, I'm okay communicating. Right. Whereas for somebody else, it might not be the case. I know for me, if I'm angry or frustrated, not a good time for me to communicate. Recognizing what are the emotions or the states that don't put you in the best conditions, and they're different for everyone.

B (7:38)

I sometimes get kind of weary, and I'm so used to pushing through, and the price of doing that for me is that I don't have much patience on the other end, so I can deliver the message, but the Follow up leaves a lot to be desired. When I know I'm weary, I ask myself, can I put this off for 24 hours?

C (7:59)

I love what you just said, Amy, because it's not just about do you have the energy to deliver the message, but do you have the energy to actually engage in the conversation that's going to result?

B (8:08)

Exactly right.

C (8:09)

And I think that's. We underestimate the sort of length of the communication. It's not just about getting the words out of your mouth, but then it's listening, responding, all of that, you know.

B (8:19)

And my further check to that is I always ask myself, when I think about responding in the moment I've done the wrong thing, I've delivered the tough message, even though I'm really not in the right frame of mind, I take a breath before I respond to whatever I'm hearing and ask myself, is what I'm about to say proportional?

D (8:39)

Right, right, right. And do you need to respond sometimes? I mean, that's, you know, you started off with revolutionary.

C (8:46)

Revolutionary.

D (8:46)

Listen, I happen to have somebody very close to me, also known as my husband, who's, whose favorite line is, not everything really requires a response. And I've had to learn that as a practice. I actually think there's something be said. We're so conditioned to respond to everything, react to everything, and I think there's just as much of an impact not only on yourself, but on others to actually make a choice as to A, do I need to respond? B, even more importantly at times, especially in heated discussions, is this worthy of a response? Yeah. Right.

B (9:31)

Okay, but how do you do that, Muriel? How do you not respond and not be insulting at the same time?

D (9:37)

I mean, I, you know, I will share how I do it. Like, to be honest, most times when I don't respond, it's a boundary on myself, not on the other side. I know that if I respond right now, it's going to come out ugly. Right. It's going to have an impact and an affect that is not the outcome that I'm driving to. And as you talked about, Amy, B. Around, like, what happens after the meeting? Like, I don't want to have to deal with those repercussions. So it's probably best if I either just let the person keep talking or keep my response, you know, short. So it's often a boundary on myself rather than the other. Now if I feel like I'm not going to get anywhere with the person, given their state, given how they walked in, that no matter what I say, we're not going to be able to move forward. I choose very consciously not to respond in that moment. And I will say, you know, so I hear you. Here's what's happening. Here's what I have to say now. Let me think about it. Let me come back to it and just figure out what is the actual information that they need at this very moment? Because they often don't need the whole soliloquy, you know, they just need, like, here's what you need to do next. That's it, move on.

C (10:55)

There's a question from our audience which is something I. I'm curious about too, and it's when you do need that space and time to think, when the go, no go decision is no go, right? I'm too tired. I'm not ready. How do you effectively communicate that to a team who's maybe ready to engage, who's actually eager to have the conversation?

D (11:15)

I think you ask, you check in, right? You don't assume that they have to go now. I actually ran into this situation yesterday where I thought the other person was ready to go. I actually wasn't. And I walked into the meeting telling myself, I'm not feeling it. They got on and they said, yeah, you know, this and this is going on. They had a lot going on that day. I said, well, you know, how would you feel about us kind of regrouping at the end of the week instead of doing this now? Because I know I'm in a place where this is probably not the best time for us to talk about this. And he was like, yeah, let's do that right now. If he had said, actually, no, this is the only time that I have and we need to move forward, I would have moved forward with it. But I think this notion of checking in with people and. And asking rather than assuming the worst thing they can say is, no, we need to do it now. And that's not really the worst because it's what you were expecting anyway, right? So in a gentle way, I think without any fluster, just being able to ask is good enough. And I think we'll at least give you an answer.

B (12:17)

But what if you don't have that option? What if you really have to move forward and you're not feeling it, you.

D (12:25)

Know, at that point? I mean, this is what life's all about, right? Like, I mean, how many, let me tell you, did I feel like getting on that treadmill this morning? No, but I didn't, you know, so I think you focus on the outcome. What is the outcome? You're looking to drive to. There's a saying around, you know, particularly for a lot of I'm a somewhat of a runner and one of the things we talk about all the time when we do endurance running is think about how you're going to feel afterwards. Yes. You might be dreading it going in, you might feeling wary. I think you've got to say, okay, why am I doing this? You then anchor in the why, what's the purpose, what's the outcome? Rather than how I'm feeling. You take it outside of yourself right now you can't do that in perpetuity because that's what then leads to burnout. But I think every now and then to be able to say, okay, yeah, I don't want to do this, I don't like to do it, but I got to do it anyway. So let me figure out what my why is. And I think a lot of that why is in the outcome. And so being secure. If you don't know the outcome you're driving to, you're going to have a very, very hard time getting past those emotions.

C (13:32)

I love this point. Because if you're focused on the purpose or the outcome or the goal, right Then you're not getting wrapped up in the short term goal, which is get this conversation over with or make this person happy.

D (13:44)

And the outcome isn't always necessarily like get the project approved. I always, when I talk to my coaching clients, I always say there's the outcome, kind of the content, the task, outcome, outcome. But the other outcome is how do you want to leave this meeting or this conversation feeling? And how do you want them to feel about you when the conversation is over? That is just as important as the other piece. And you know, in woo woo terms, it's kind of like what's the energy that you want to create in this conversation? And because the energy is going to be created by both of you or by everybody in the room, what do you bring to the table? And then you try to shift to that as much as you can. Yeah.

C (14:24)

You know, we have a question from Francesca who's asking basically, how do you do this? So you have your purpose, you write, you have the outcome you want, how you want to leave the person feeling. But also, are there any tips or tricks to actually appear stable and confident when you're not?

D (14:39)

I mean, look, first of all, I think Francesca, nobody is ever steady, confident and able all the time. Which is why I always tell people that I work with, don't wait till you're on the Field to warm up. Okay, so this notion of I'm not feeling confident or I don't think I'm going to be confident, then what do you need to do before the meeting? What do you need to tell yourself? How do you need to prepare so that you can show up as confident as possible? So that's what happens even before now. Let's say you're in it and you're feeling like, okay, how do I get through this, I'm tired, or whatever else is going on. How do I make sure that I feel confident? Well, what does confidence mean? Confidence means that you are pretty certain things are going to be okay. So you have confidence first has to start with yourself. What are the things that you can communicate that you know what you're talking about or that you believe in or that you want to get across? Focus particularly on what your key messages are. This is the time to try to be as concrete and succinct as possible. So less is more in terms of showing up as confident. I think the other thing is find causes so that you can study yourself. Which is why I love the fact that I'm working on listening. Right. Ask questions so that it gives you a chance to sort of take a pause and collect yourself before moving on, if it's that type of situation. And then I think, third, keep bringing it back to why you're doing this and state that explicitly, meaning be the anchor in the meeting. If you know that this is a meeting that is about getting the project approved, hold on to that and bring the audience back to it. Even if the river seems like it's running off course, bring it back. Look, let's come back to what we're here to talk about, which is this project and the three things that we need to discuss to get it approved. If you can try to stay as structured as possible, that will help you in terms of then keeping yourself steady.

B (16:39)

Yeah, you know, I want to shift directions just a tiny bit. And I've been saving this question to ask you, Muriel. One of the things I struggle with is whipping up the celebratory vibes. You know, the balloon drops that are kind of like balloons, you know, who doesn't love a balloon? But it's not something I even think about that much. It's not how I came up work. You know, I came up in newsrooms where, you know, you were lucky to have a job and no one. No one was sending you. Thank you, Grams.

D (17:14)

So.

B (17:16)

But I think it's a really important part of our culture here, and so and I. How do I help me get better at this, please? How do I do it in a way that's appropriate and authentic? And I can say that I do feel gratitude so much of the time and I'm not great at expressing it.

D (17:38)

Yeah. I think that as work actually has gotten increasingly more demanding and there are even more aspirational goals and audacious goals that are being put on organization on people. You know, my sense and what I tell my clients is the greater the goal, the greater the aspiration, the greater the stretch you're putting on individuals and expand expecting of individuals, the more radical the appreciation needs to be. And so the authenticity part of it. Amy B. Actually what I would encourage you to do is not so much look at the authenticity of the action of how you show appreciation, but start with the authenticity of the intent. Right. So how authentic is my appreciation for what the individual did? Where is my gratitude coming from? Why am I appreciative? And it may not be for the same reason that they explained expect me to be appreciative, but let me have some authentic appreciation, then I can move to action. And for the action, in terms of how you do it, I do think that there's wiggle room to figure out a way to do it in a way that's comfortable for you. Right. I personally am not going to walk in with a hundred balloons. Right. But I feel very comfortable sending those one on one emails, sending the text, hey, thank you, I appreciate you sending, sending the email to everybody saying I just want to applaud this person sending a gift. There is no one way. I think really the whole point is doing something, showing it verbally through actions, through whatnot, in a way that's comfortable for you. But I would definitely say start with the authenticity part, starts with the intent. Because if you show appreciation but the intent is not authentic, it's going to smell inauthentic.

B (19:29)

Right.

C (19:29)

That's the worst.

B (19:30)

Yeah.

C (19:30)

Right. Like even if you, if you feel the appreciation and don't show it, obviously that's not great. But if you show it and actually don't feel it like you, we've all been in there, we're like, oh, thanks for the award or whatever. When, when they actually don't. I want to continue on this theme of motivation in one second, but I want to tell you, Amy B. Because you don't give a lot of like, you don't show up through the, pumping your arms, through the, the office saying we did it. When you do say something complimentary or celebratory it has such resonance. And I said, I've told you this before. When you sort of land a compliment, look me right in the eye and say, you're good at this. It means so much. And I think to Muriel's point, you have to find the style that's right for you. And it will land with people if you really feel it, because I'm gonna believe those things you say about me.

B (20:17)

Well, but you know what? Having received the faux compliment and finding it rattles me. It makes me think, oh, I really must have sucked.

C (20:26)

Yes, exactly.

D (20:27)

Right.

C (20:28)

It does the exact opposite.

B (20:29)

Exactly.

D (20:30)

But, you know, so. So let me just say something, though, right? Like, I think this is getting a little deeper than I thought we would. I think that in order to be able to communicate appreciation and to communicate gratitude to others authentically, one needs to be able to have the capacity to receive it as well. And so.

C (20:55)

She'S got your number.

D (20:59)

So part of the practice is in receiving it.

B (21:04)

Yeah.

D (21:04)

You know, I had a client who asked me the other day, like, oh, so what should I do? Should I do? I said, what about just a simple thank you? Right? Like, you don't have to do. Why don't you just call that employee up and say, hey, I really want to thank you for going the extra mile in what you did? That's it. Meet Rovo, your AI powered teammate. Rovo connects to your organization's knowledge and lives on Atlassian's trusted and secure platform. Connect Rovo to your favorite SaaS apps to get the personalized context you need. Unleash AI with AI powered search, chat agents and studio. Get started with Rovo, your new AI teammate, powered by Atlassian@rovo.com.

A (22:01)

If you're saving for your future, you may be wondering, what's my next move? If you're not sure, you're not alone. Maybe it's time to talk to a financial advisor at Savant Wealth Management. Right now. You can schedule a free consultation. Just go to savantwealth.com podcast. You don't have to go it alone, and you shouldn't. Visit savantwealth.com podcast to learn more and schedule your free consultation. Savant is a registered investment advisor. Past performance is no guarantee of future results.

C (22:38)

On this theme of motivation, though I do want to ask Muriel. When you're trying to get people on board with a decision or a message and you're finding that they're not getting it right and you need that patience. We talked a little bit about this before, but, like, where Do. How do you tap into that motivation of like, I need to stick with this, you know? And I know I liked what you were saying about checking in, but is there anything else to sort of internally tap into when you need that patience and they're just not getting it?

D (23:05)

Yeah, I mean, I think a place to start is to even recognize why you're not patient. I mean, why do we get impatient? We get impatient because we think we should be at point B and we're still at point A. The reality is we're at point A. So, like, getting upset that we're not at point B, which is what impatience is, isn't really going to do anything. You know, it's not going to make it move any faster. And so you've got to identify why you're impatient and what can you do about it in that moment? If there's something you can do about it, great. If there's nothing you can do about it, then you, you need to stick with where you are, which is where your audience is. If they're not getting it, you have to meet them where they are. That's a key piece of communicating effectively. You have to start and be with people where they are. You cannot run 10 miles ahead and expect them to hear you and understand you. You're too far away. So part of it is, while your agenda might be 10 miles ahead, while the final point might be 10 miles ahead, they're still at mile one. You've got to be right there and saying, okay, let me break it down to you, right? So when you're at a place where somebody is not moving forward in terms of the thought pattern or what you're trying to communicate, a couple of things you can do. Number one is you take a couple steps back. You take a couple steps back, say, you know what, let me go back to sort of the assumptions that we use as we talk through this, or let me pull back big picture, which is what we call framing something. Reframe the message. So those are two steps you can take. You can also say, you know, I feel like I'm explaining this in a way, but I'm not sure if it's quite landing. What concerns do you have? What questions do you have? What is it that you're hearing from me so that you can then course correct.

C (24:57)

Yeah, I like that. Let me ask you another question about one of the challenges I see people struggle with a lot, and I do myself as well, which is that when you actually don't want to deliver the message because you have Some emotional baggage around it or the concern about how they're going to respond. Twist the message. Like sometimes I might need to send like a three line email and it takes me an hour to write it because of all the emotional, like I'm sort of dictating what their response might be and trying to negotiate with them. How do you sort of cut through all that to get right to what.

D (25:30)

You want to say? Yeah, that can be very difficult. And again, the place to start is even realizing that you have all these emotions to begin with. Because a lot of times I know for me, I might not realize it. I'm just sitting there looking at my computer like, I need to write this email and I write it and delete it 10 times and it's not coming out. And then that's a sign, right? So in that moment you also have to recognize that emotions are emotions, they are feelings because of the story we're telling ourselves about this message and the story we're telling ourselves about how people are going to react to this message. And by the way, that story that we're telling ourselves about how people are going to react to that message is based on some past experience either that we had with them or that we had in terms of a message being delivered. This is how the story gets big because there's all these stories packed into it. So what you want to do in those moments is actually recognize those things and separate it out and go back to. You're hearing a consistent theme from me here. Go back to the outcome. Why do you need to send this message? What is the purpose behind the message? Right. Why do I need to deliver this message right now to these people? And it's not to dismiss how you feel about it. It's to really focus on the outcome rather than the story that is wrapped up as you're trying to move through that piece of communication. All right? And if you're having a really difficult time, this is when you need to phone a friend, you know, call a friend, being like, look, you know, you know, kick the tire on this. Like, am I overdoing it here? Check my reality here. And if they're like, yeah, don't do that, then you at least have something outside of yourself to do a reality check.

C (27:17)

Yeah, I have an email writing buddy. When I'm feeling like this isn't making sense or I think it's going to annoy the other person, I'll send it to her. And it's sometimes just, she's like, take out this word and you realize I'm like, oh, that was the emotional word. That was the one that I was trying to stick it to them without really sticking it to them.

B (27:35)

Yeah. Well, so here's where I would phone.

D (27:36)

You, Muriel, my friend, phone me anytime. Amy.

B (27:42)

What happens when you're called on to deliver a message that you just don't believe in?

D (27:49)

Yeah, those are always hard. You know, it depends on the message. Right. And this is when you have to, like, be really honest with yourself. If it is a message that really just goes against the grain of your core value system or even your integrity, is this a moment in life where you need to draw the line, knowing that there may be consequences to making that decision? Okay, then there's the okay, I can do it. I just don't believe in it. I'm not aligned with it. This is not what I would do. I think there's a couple of things that need to happen. I think there's always room to negotiate the message. If you can negotiate the message with whoever is asking you to deliver it, try to negotiate the message. If they still are like, no, this is it, then you've got to find a way to voice it a. In your own words, in a way that reflects what your own values are. So let me put in an example, because that makes it more concrete. Let's say it's something that impacts people in your organization that you have to deliver the way that you convey that you can convey that same message around the impact on people, but do it with compassion. Do it with an acknowledgment of how it might be received. So that you're holding the. And you're holding the message and your own values at the same time.

C (29:19)

Yeah. And I have to say my reaction to that advice is that sounds exhausting. And yet it's also the responsibility that we take on when we accept these jobs.

D (29:31)

Absolutely. It's exhausting. That's what's causing the stress. You know, it's the tension. But if I've learned anything, you know, throughout my career and working with leaders, is that leadership is all about tension. The role is holding the tension. Yeah.

C (29:46)

Let me ask you mirror about when can you be transparent about that and not that you necessarily disagree with the message. Obviously you don't want to say that, but let's say you're tired, you're under a lot of stress. Is it okay to say that when you're delivering the message, or does that come off as sort of unleaderly?

D (30:04)

You know, I hate to answer it this way, but I think it depends, right, how much you divulge around, like, how you're feeling about it and where it might be causing you some angst or some stress really depends. And it doesn't. Here's the thing, I don't necessarily think it should depend on, like, you, right, As a leader, I don't think it really depends on, like, is it going to make it easier for me if I share how I'm feeling, that I'm feeling tired or I'm feeling stressed or I'm feeling this? I actually think the responsibility is how do you deliver this message in a way that shows good stewardship around the people that you're delivering it to? You know, for some people, it will make things worse for them to hear that their leader is, like, stressed out or doesn't agree or is tired. And for others, it'll actually help humanize it. It'll make it better. There's no right or wrong. I think it really depends on how do you think it's going to impact folks on the other side. And if it's going to exacerbate the situation, don't do it right. If it's going to enhance their experience in hearing that message and it's going to help them hear the message with a little more ease, then do it. Now, what's great is if you are actually making a choice about that, because then what it shows is you have a range. Most of us are not making choices, right? We're either TMI or like, not saying anything. But you have a choice. Make the choice based on how do you want them to feel. I love that.

B (31:37)

Well, I think I know how you're going to answer this, but I'm going to ask it anyway because I've been here. Sometimes delivering a tough message, having a difficult conversation is a lot easier if you don't have to face the person. So what if you are just tapped out and it would be so much easier to deliver the message on email? Just give yourself a little bit of a break. Should you do it? Is that just too easy? Don't take the easy way out. Should you be prioritizing the feelings of the person you're communicating with? How do we think about that?

D (32:12)

I mean, I think that this definitely goes back to impact this question of how we define what's easy. What may seem easy in the short term, and what may seem easy to me may not necessarily be generating ease. And so what's the goal here? And if the priority is, I want this conversation, this exchange, to be done in the most transparent way that honors the fact that this person is a human and needs to hear it straight from me, from the source, then you talk to them. If it's okay for this to be transactional, which there are definitely things that can just be transactional, then you do email. So it depends on the level of depth and meaning and understanding and I think the level of connection that you want to reinforce and sustain with the others. Communication is a vehicle for relationships. And so I think at the end of the day you have to look at what is the outcome, what is it that I'm trying to create from a relational standpoint with those people or with this person. And based on that, you then decide what the mode of communication is going to be.

C (33:31)

Yeah, I mean, I feel like what I'm hearing you say is you're prioritizing their comfort, their needs over your own.

D (33:37)

And look, I think this is why you have to find moments outside of communicating to do things for yourself. Right. You know, don't look for your self care through sending emails. That's not where it's going to happen. If you're taking care of yourself outside of these difficult moments. Right. Those difficult moments will feel less difficult. What would self care look like in a situation like this? Like you have to give this difficult message, take the five minutes, get, get off of whatever social you're on for five minutes and say, I'm actually going to like prepare myself so that I can hold myself together as much as possible and prioritize this person and how they feel at this time. There's a difference between taking the easy way out or finding the easy way and doing things with ease. Two different things.

B (34:35)

Totally.

D (34:35)

Taking the easy way out is outside of ourselves. I'm going to send the email because that's the easier, faster, quicker. I don't have to deal with the way they react right in front of me. That way it doesn't feel messy, even though it still is. You know, it's all an illusion. That's the easy. It's outside of ourselves. It's the action is easy. Then there's the doing it with ease. The doing it with ease is no matter how they react, I'm okay because I know that this is a message that I already understood that they may not like it and I'm trying the best that I can and I took them into consideration as I delivered the message. And so to me the goal is like, can you communicate in difficult situations but do it with an inner ease even though the external is a hot mess.

A (35:27)

That was Muriel Wilkins speaking with Women at Work hosts Amy Gallo and Amy Bernstein. Muriel is the host of the HBR podcast Coaching Real Leaders, and her new book is called Leadership Unblocked. HBR on Leadership will be back next Wednesday with another handpicked conversation from Harvard Business Review. If this episode helped, you, share it with your friends and colleagues and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts while you're there, consider leaving us a review. And when you're ready for more podcasts, articles, case studies, books and videos with the world's top business and management experts, find it all@hbr.org this episode was produced by me, Amanda Craig Percy on Leadership's team includes Maureen Hoke, Rob Eckhart, Erica Trexler, Ramsey Kabaz, Anne Bartholomew, and Nicole Smith. Music is by Coma Media.