HBR On Leadership — Episode Summary

Episode Overview

Episode Title: Communicating Clearly When You’re Under Stress
Date: November 26, 2025
Host: Harvard Business Review Editors (Amy Bernstein, Amy Gallo)
Guest: Muriel Wilkins (Leadership Development Coach, Host of HBR's Coaching Real Leaders)

This engaging episode dives deep into the challenges and strategies of maintaining clear, effective communication when leaders are under stress. Through candid conversation, introspective questions, and numerous real-life examples, the hosts and guest focus on how leaders can remain steady, present, and authentic—especially when the stakes are high or mental and emotional hurdles are at play.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Core Leadership Challenge: Communicating Under Stress

• Opening Framing:
  When overwhelmed, overtired, or burned out, even the most seasoned leaders struggle to communicate clearly (01:02). Leadership is not innate; it requires practicing and honing a distinct set of skills, especially in challenging times.

• Communication is Listening, Not Just Speaking:

  • Muriel Wilkins emphasizes that communication begins with real listening, not just waiting to speak.

    “The communication issue that I'm working on...is that of listening and really listening to understand, rather than just listen so I can play back what the person said…so that I can get to a place of understanding before I move on to actually talking.”
    — Muriel Wilkins (02:17)

  • Listening reduces reactivity, a state which is heightened under stress (03:10).

Techniques for Staying Present and Mindful

• Mindfulness as an Anchor:

  • Muriel describes mindfulness in practical terms—anchoring oneself in the present, sometimes by focusing on the other person’s voice or pausing to breathe (03:55).
  • Mindfulness is reframed as something simple and accessible, not a mystical or unattainable state.

• Over-talking When Distracted or Tired:

  • Both hosts admit to a tendency to over-explain or fill conversational gaps when stressed or unfocused.

    “The thing I'm working on is not just talking and talking and talking...I just fill the time.”
    — Amy Gallo (04:32)

Preparing Yourself Before Critical Conversations

• Checking Your Readiness:

  • Self-assessment is vital: “How am I feeling? Do I feel tired? Do I feel frustrated? Do I feel angry? What are the emotions that are happening? Am I prepared?”
    — Muriel Wilkins (05:36)
  • Recognize personal triggers; for Muriel, tiredness is manageable, but anger is a red flag not to engage (07:00).

• Considering the Full Scope:
  Communication doesn’t end once you “get the words out.” Ensure you have the energy to follow through and engage (07:59).

Boundaries & Responding (or Not Responding)

• The Power of Not Responding:

  • Not every comment or situation demands a response; sometimes restraint preserves relationships and composure.

    “There's just as much of an impact to actually make a choice as to A, do I need to respond? B, even more importantly at times, especially in heated discussions, is this worthy of a response?”
    — Muriel Wilkins (08:46)

  • Setting boundaries is an act of self-management, not avoidance (09:37).

• How to Communicate When You're Not Ready:

  • It’s legitimate to ask for more time:

    “I said, well, you know, how would you feel about us kind of regrouping at the end of the week instead of doing this now? … I think this notion of checking in with people and asking rather than assuming [is key].”
    — Muriel Wilkins (11:15)

When You HAVE to Communicate Regardless

• Anchoring on Purpose:

  • Sometimes, difficult conversations must proceed despite emotions. In these cases, focus on the “why” and the outcome rather than your momentary feelings (12:25, 13:32).
  • Consider both “task outcomes” and “relational outcomes”—how people feel after the conversation (13:44).

• Appearing Confident When You're Not:

  • Preparation is key. Warm up before important conversations—confidence builds before you enter the “field.”
  • Keep messages concrete and succinct; ask questions to buy time and steady yourself. “Less is more” (14:39).

Expressing Appreciation Authentically

• The Importance of Gratitude in Leadership:

  • Radical appreciation is required as goals and demands grow. Intent is the foundation—display gratitude in a way that’s authentic for you (17:38).
  • There’s no single “right” way to celebrate; do what aligns with your style and intent (18:29).

• Authenticity & Receiving Appreciation:

  • Being able to receive gratitude is linked to effectively expressing it (20:30).

Motivating Yourself (and Others) Through Difficulty

• Finding Patience:

  • If people aren’t on board, ground yourself in reality instead of becoming impatient about not being at “point B.”
  • Meet people where they are and break messages down simply—step back, frame, and reframe (23:05).

• Dealing With Emotional Baggage in Messaging:

  • Recognize the stories and emotions coating your communication—separate them from the “why” (25:30).
  • When in doubt, phone a friend or colleague for perspective (27:17).

• Delivering a Message You Don’t Believe In:

  • If the message goes against your core values, reassess your involvement. If not, find a way to deliver it aligned with your values and in your own words; show compassion (27:49).

• Transparency About Your Stress:

  • The appropriateness of admitting emotional states depends on how it will impact the recipient (30:04).

Mode of Communication: Email vs. In-Person

• Choosing How to Deliver Difficult News:

  • Match the delivery method with the outcome and relational goal—don’t default to email for personal comfort (32:12).
  • Self-care happens outside the communication moment, not by “hiding” behind transactional modes (33:37, 34:35).

• Easy Way Out vs. Inner Ease:

  “There's a difference between taking the easy way out or finding the easy way and doing things with ease. Two different things.”
  — Muriel Wilkins (34:35)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Listening helps me not be as reactive, which we’re all prone to do, especially under stress.”
  — Muriel Wilkins (03:10)

• “What helps is being aware [of your energy] before you go so that then you can do something about it.”
  — Muriel Wilkins (05:36)

• “You have to figure out what your threshold is, what are your blocks?”
  — Muriel Wilkins (07:00)

• “Not everything really requires a response.”
  — Muriel Wilkins’ husband, recounted by Muriel (08:46)

• “[Ask] 'do you have the energy to actually engage in the conversation that's going to result?'...We underestimate the length of the communication.”
  — Amy Gallo (08:08)

• “The greater the goal, the greater the aspiration, the greater the stretch you’re putting on individuals…the more radical the appreciation needs to be.”
  — Muriel Wilkins (17:38)

• “If it is a message that really just goes against the grain of your core value system…is this a moment in life where you need to draw the line?”
  — Muriel Wilkins (27:49)

• “Leadership is all about tension. The role is holding the tension.”
  — Muriel Wilkins (29:31)

• “If you’re taking care of yourself outside of these difficult moments…those difficult moments will feel less difficult.”
  — Muriel Wilkins (33:37)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:17 — Muriel discusses listening as the most vital (and ongoing) communication skill
• 03:55 — Muriel demystifies mindfulness as a practical tool for staying present
• 05:36 — Checking in with your emotional state before important communications
• 07:00-08:19 — Recognizing emotional triggers and the importance of follow-through
• 08:46 — The power of choosing not to respond and setting boundaries
• 11:15 — How to communicate you’re not ready for a conversation
• 13:44 — Importance of focusing on both "task" and "relational" outcomes
• 14:39 - 16:39 — Tips for appearing steady and confident under pressure
• 17:38–20:29 — Expressing and receiving appreciation authentically
• 23:05 — How to summon patience and meet others where they are
• 25:30 — Dealing with emotional baggage when drafting tough messages
• 27:49-29:31 — Delivering messages you don’t believe in; holding leadership tension
• 30:04 — When to be transparent about your emotional state
• 32:12 — Making intentional choices about communication methods
• 34:35 — “Easy way out” vs. “doing it with ease” distinction

Summary Takeaway

This episode delivers a toolbox for anyone facing the daily realities of leadership under pressure. Muriel Wilkins and the HBR hosts model self-awareness, honesty, and practical wisdom, making clear that clear communication isn’t about saying the right words, but about steadying yourself, listening deeply, and acting with authentic purpose—even when you’re stressed, tired, or out of alignment with the message. Leadership, the panel agrees, is rigorously human work: it’s about holding tension, building resilience, and staying in steady, meaningful relationship with the people you lead.