Podcast Summary: Help Wanted – "Am I the Problem? Why Do People Flake on My Plans? Help!"

Episode Information

• Title: Am I the Problem? Why Do People Flake on My Plans? Help!
• Host: Jason Feifer (Editor-in-Chief, Entrepreneur) with guest Katie Storino (Body Acceptance Advocate, Founder of Megababe)
• Release Date: February 12, 2025
• Description: In this episode of Help Wanted, Jason Feifer addresses the common frustration of people canceling plans, exploring whether the flake is the host's fault or a reflection of deeper social dynamics. With insights from guest Katie Storino, the hosts delve into the role of social anxiety and strategies to foster more reliable and fulfilling social interactions.

Introduction

The episode opens with Jason Feifer discussing a personal dilemma: multiple attempts to organize a dinner with friends repeatedly fall through, leaving him questioning if he's inadvertently causing others to flake on plans. To unpack this issue, Jason invites guest Katie Storino, who shares her experiences and perspectives on why people might cancel or avoid committing to plans.

Personal Stories of Flaking

Jen Miller's Frustration ([03:11] - [04:35])

Jason introduces Jen Miller, his wife, who recounts a recent weekend marred by obsessive worry over arranging plans with a friend, ultimately leading to no definitive meet-up. Jen expresses feelings of frustration and self-blame, highlighting the emotional toll of unconfirmed plans:

“I was convinced and perhaps remain convinced that she didn't actually want to get together with us. She was just kind of stringing us along.” – [04:23] Jen Miller

Jason's Persistent Efforts ([16:33] - [21:55])

Jason shares a detailed text exchange with a couple—referred to as John and Jane—who continuously postpone their dinner plans. Despite proposing multiple dates and maintaining enthusiasm, the couple's recurring cancellations leave Jason perplexed and disheartened:

“We're going to make it happen. And that is not bullshit. We are going to make it happen.” – [36:30] Jason Feifer

Social Media Insights and Guest Introduction

Reaching Out to the Community ([05:04] - [07:05])

To gain broader insights, Jason turns to social media, specifically Instagram, asking followers why they're bad at making plans. The overwhelming response leads to the invitation of Katie Storino, who identifies as someone who struggles with committing to plans due to social anxiety.

“I believe social anxiety… the whole thing becomes exhausting and I just shut down.” – [07:05] Katie Storino

Understanding Social Anxiety and Flaking

Katie Storino's Perspective ([07:05] - [09:06])

Katie explains that her difficulty in making plans stems from social anxiety, which causes her to overthink social engagements. This anxiety is particularly pronounced when interacting with new people, making her hesitant to commit:

“I'm running through so many scenarios in my own head that the whole thing becomes exhausting and I just shut down.” – [08:42] Katie Storino

Jen and Katie on Social Anxiety ([09:19] - [13:45])

Both Jen and Katie reveal that social anxiety affects their willingness to make and keep plans. They discuss how this anxiety leads to overcomplicating simple social interactions, creating a cycle of self-doubt and frustration when plans falter.

“I also feel that people don't want to hang out with me.” – [09:34] Jen Miller

“I have a need to create more community…and I really, like, can be empathetic to what might be happening.” – [35:11] Jen Miller

Introducing the Social Competency Index

Jason's Theory ([22:35] - [24:15])

Jason proposes a "Social Competency Index," a scale from 1 to 10 measuring an individual's ability to communicate and follow through on social plans. He theorizes that life’s demands can temporarily lower one's social competency, causing misunderstandings about others' intentions:

“We are often interacting with people who think that they're good at making plans and have some of the instincts from when they were better at making plans.” – [22:35] Jason Feifer

Strategies to Improve Social Interactions

Avoiding Side Conversations ([32:29] - [33:25])

To combat the issue of conversations splitting into separate groups, Jen and Katie discuss implementing a "no side convo" rule during social gatherings. This strategy aims to maintain inclusive and engaging group dynamics:

“No side convo… stop. Like, because it happens so fast, and then suddenly you're just there, and 30 minutes later, you look up and you're like, I don't know how we started talking about this.” – [32:45] Katie Storino

Fostering Group Engagement ([30:27] - [33:42])

The hosts explore methods to ensure that all participants in a group conversation are equally involved, preventing one-on-one interactions from derailing the social event. This includes setting clear expectations and actively engaging everyone in discussions.

Conclusions and Moving Forward

Empathy and Understanding ([35:11] - [35:45])

Jen reflects on how understanding her own social anxiety, alongside Katie’s insights, fosters empathy towards others who may flake due to similar struggles. This mutual understanding helps alleviate feelings of personal inadequacy:

“...knowing that I have my own social anxiety and so I really, like, can be empathetic to what might be happening.” – [35:11] Jen Miller

Commitment to Change ([35:54] - [36:35])

In a positive turn, Katie agrees to meet up, demonstrating that open communication and mutual understanding can lead to successful social interactions. This resolution underscores the importance of addressing social anxiety and flaking proactively:

“John and I should hang out with you guys when we're back in the city. We would love to hang out.” – [36:16] Katie Storino

“We are going to make it happen. And that is not bullshit. We are going to make it happen.” – [36:30] Jason Feifer

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Jen Miller on Social Anxiety Affecting Plans:

  “I was convinced and perhaps remain convinced that she didn't actually want to get together with us.” – [04:23]

• Katie Storino on Overthinking Plans:

  “I'm running through so many scenarios in my own head that the whole thing becomes exhausting and I just shut down.” – [08:42]

• Jason Feifer's Social Competency Index Theory:

  “We are often interacting with people who think that they're good at making plans and have some of the instincts from when they were better at making plans.” – [22:35]

• Katie Storino's Strategy Against Side Conversations:

  “No side convo… stop. Like, because it happens so fast, and then suddenly you're just there, and 30 minutes later, you look up and you're like, I don't know how we started talking about this.” – [32:45]

• Jason and Katie Resolving to Make Plans Work:

  Jason: “We are going to make it happen. And that is not bullshit. We are going to make it happen.” – [36:30] Katie: “We would love to hang out.” – [36:16]

Key Takeaways

1. Social Anxiety as a Barrier: Both hosts and guests discuss how social anxiety can hinder the ability to make and keep plans, often leading to misinterpretations of others' intentions.

2. Understanding Flaking: Flaking on plans may not always be a personal rejection but can stem from the other party's social or logistical challenges.

3. Strategies for Better Social Planning: Implementing rules like avoiding side conversations and fostering inclusive group dynamics can enhance the reliability and enjoyment of social gatherings.

4. Empathy and Communication: Recognizing and empathizing with one's own and others' social anxieties can lead to more meaningful and resilient social connections.

5. Commitment to Overcome Flaking: Open dialogues and proactive efforts can bridge gaps caused by social anxiety, leading to successful and fulfilling social interactions.

Conclusion

This episode of Help Wanted provides a candid exploration of the frustrations surrounding canceled plans and the potential underlying social dynamics. Through personal anecdotes and expert insights, Jason Feifer and guest Katie Storino offer valuable perspectives on how social anxiety impacts our social lives and propose actionable strategies to foster better and more reliable social connections. By understanding and addressing these challenges, listeners are encouraged to navigate their social interactions with increased empathy and effectiveness.