Jason Pfeiffer (2:46)

This is Help Wanted, the show that makes Your work work for you. I'm Jason Pfeiffer, editor in chief of.

Nicole Lapin (2:52)

Entrepreneur magazine, and I'm money expert Nicole Lapin. On Tuesdays, Jason and I answer the helpline and help callers solve their work problems.

Jason Pfeiffer (3:00)

And on Thursdays, I give you one way to improve your work and build a career or company you love.

Nicole Lapin (3:05)

And it starts now.

Jason Pfeiffer (3:08)

Nicole, have you ever read Am I the Asshole? That subreddit?

Nicole Lapin (3:12)

Yes, I love that.

Jason Pfeiffer (3:13)

It's the best for people who don't know. First of all, what are you doing not knowing about this? It's like the best thing on the Internet. It is a place, it's so addicting where people share these situations that they have fallen into, where they were upset by something or they had a fight with someone and they thought that they were right, and now they've had a moment to reflect and they realized, wait a second, I, I thought that person was the asshole, but maybe, maybe I was the asshole.

Nicole Lapin (3:42)

It's always a very important self reflecting question that we should. It is, you know, self awareness for the win.

Jason Pfeiffer (3:50)

And also, let's be honest, it's also very satisfying to be standing outside of somebody's dispute and getting to judge who is the asshole. That is why, very interestingly, Nicole, we had a episode that we ran recently here on Help Wanted to. The subject of that episode or the episode title is I'm mad at my fiance for not including me in a business opportunity. Help, which was actually our executive producer Morgan and her fiance Jack, who had come on, who, who was the asshole to share. But you're getting ahead of it because they came on because they had had a dispute that was at the always challenging intersection of careers and relationships, and they weren't sure who was the asshole. And so they came on and we decided who was the asshole. You've already spoiled it.

Nicole Lapin (4:42)

It was, it was Jack.

Jason Pfeiffer (4:43)

It was Jack. Jack was the asshole. And we put this out into the podcast world and that episode, a lot of people really loved that episode because a lot of people really love judging. Jack now has to deal with the thought of hundreds of thousands of people possibly thinking Jack's the asshole. But today we have a gift to everyone, which is more ability to judge people's lives and decisions. There's something really interesting happening on the Am I the Asshole? Subreddit right now, which is there are a lot of women posting on that subreddit with roughly the same story, which is they make more money than their husbands and that creates some kind of tension at home. And then it blew up and they don't know who the asshole is. So today, Nicole, we are going to read two such moments where a woman is making more than her husband and isn't sure if she is the asshole because of something and we are going to decide who is the asshole. Yes.

Nicole Lapin (5:42)

Are we like the Judge Judy of of the assholes?

Jason Pfeiffer (5:46)

Yes, we are the Judge Judy's of assholes. Which is. That doesn't sound good at all, but we're going to run with it. All right, I'm going to read you something straight from Reddit in a reddity voice. Here we go. My husband and I have two kids and we both work full time. My job pays me much more than his and mine is also a lot higher. Stress requires more time commitment and can be mentally exhausting. This does cause more of the kid and household duties to fall on him. He will sometimes complain about it, but with the nature of my job, there's just not much I can do to change it. Unless I plan ahead and take time off. I just can't do it without it. Impact affecting a lot of other people and their jobs this most often comes up when one of the kids is sick and needs to be picked up or kept home from school. It's just a lot easier for him to get away from work, especially since he works from home three days a week now. His job is always super understanding about it and my husband has never once told me that he needs me to do something like that instead of him. Last night I got home late and noticed my husband was a bit rattled. I asked him if everything was okay and he just looked at me straight in the eyes and said no in a tone that I don't think I've ever heard from him. It was almost vitriolic. He said he is tired of always being the one who has to stop what he's doing to take care of the kids and that for once he wants me to take initiative and quote, step the up. I told him that was a mean thing to say and I don't appreciate being ambushed like this as soon as I get in the door. I tried to explain to him that I had a tough day at work but that I would take over for him, but he cut me off. He told me that he doesn't feel like I'm pulling my weight with the kids and the house and that he's tired of me always acting like my job is more important than his. I took offense at that because I work my butt off at my job and come home and don't Stop doing things around the house or with the kids until I go to sleep. I told him that actually, yes, my job is important because without my job, we wouldn't have the house, the cars, or the money to pay for our kids to be in these programs that allow both of us to work. I told him that he knew the nature of my job when we got married and we had discussions about how hard it would be for me to take off unexpectedly and that he would have to do the brunt of that stuff with the kids. It comes up. He stood there and listened and said, well, at least you can finally admit that you think you're more important. I tried to talk to him more about it, but he refuses to speak to me. I know I messed up by actually saying that, but it's the truth. And so of course then Nicole, the question is, who's the?

Nicole Lapin (8:20)

So she's saying, am I the asshole for admitting to my husband that I think my career is more important than his?

Jason Pfeiffer (8:26)

Or maybe am I the fort saying that my husband has to take care of more of the kids? Like, I don't know if she thinks that she's the because she said the truth or because she has been a part of creating this situation where she has the more important job and she can't take care of the kids the way that he is available to.

Nicole Lapin (8:48)

I'm not sure I think you know more about this than I do just yet. But when kids come into the picture and two people are working and one person makes more money, you need to decide what the division of labor is going to be and like, what's the lifestyle you want. So if he wants her to pick up more, then is he okay to live without the cars or whatever? She mentioned the after school programs, the house and everything now has to be rejiggered. The home life and the division of responsibilities there, as well as who is working more. And traditionally, it's not usually the woman. Unfortunately, traditionally the roles are actually reversed. It's usually the guy that's making more money and more of the burden falls on the woman. But in this case, it's a little bit of a reversal in traditional roles.

Jason Pfeiffer (9:41)

Which makes this so interesting because this is a flip of the usual dynamic. When I was reading this, I was thinking, okay, the clear asshole here is the husband because he didn't speak up before he got pissed. I think it's really, really important in any kind of relationship, but especially a marriage to raise concerns before it reaches boiling point. Like you're feeling a certain way. Talk about it when you're still able to talk about it like a mature adult, not like an asshole who's going to ambush your partner. And what did he think was going to happen? He thought, stand there, be like, no, no, not at all.

Nicole Lapin (10:21)

And it's been bubbling up, which is never a good scenario. And she thought because he never told her once before that he needed her to do something, that it was fine, and it wasn't fine, and he was just like stewing. And then he was mean to her, which is not cool.

Jason Pfeiffer (10:37)

So then the only thing else that I wonder about that is they need to excavate this situation further because she thought that they had a understanding. He clearly didn't. Either that or he decided that the understanding was somehow invalid and today was the day that he was going to confront her. But my guess is that foundationally they seem to have a different understanding of their understanding. And so they need to go back to the beginning. What did we agree on? Does that agreement still work for both of us? And if it doesn't, then they need to start recalibrating. Frankly, I think that the answer here is not that she dials back her work or that he needs to take on duties that he clearly doesn't want to take on anymore. I think the answer is that something else needs to take place. Is there a nanny that needs to get involved here? Are there different ways that they can run the schedule of their family? My wife and I, for example, my wife Jen, I make more money than Jen. She would readily say that. And therefore my work is technically more important to the finances of our family. But I don't want her to feel like therefore all the burdens of family running just fall on her. So one of the things that we have done is we pay somebody to pick our kids up from school and to take them home and then to watch them until 6pm and that's money I'd rather not spend. But it's money that we both feel is in the best interests of our relationship. That is money being spent on our relationship because it means that both of us can focus on our work for a full workday instead of what otherwise would happen, which is that inevitably Jen would probably end up having to watch the kids more because I would have to say if I walk away from that thing, then we're down $20,000. So we're investing in our relationship and therefore we're not going to spend a little money somewhere else. And that's good. So I think this guy was an asshole for the way that he handled this situation. But ultimately, they need to go back to the very beginning and figure out where the miscommunication was.

Nicole Lapin (12:52)

Yes. Agreements. So all relationships have agreements, and those agreements can change. Because I'm assuming when you and Jen, before you and Jen had kids, you had different agreements, and then you had kids and they were little and there was no need to pick them up from school because they didn't go to school. But then the school happened, and then you had new agreements. And so I think these have to constantly change, especially as you're growing your family, to decide, are we on the same page? The agreements are different for every couple, and they're different at different stages, but they're not on the same page with those agreements.

Jason Pfeiffer (13:25)

That's exactly right.

Nicole Lapin (13:26)

Maybe they don't have them.

Jason Pfeiffer (13:28)

It's just. It's really simple when it comes down to it. The question is, each partner needs to ask the other one, what do you need? Let's lay out all the needs here, and then let's build a structure that either can address all the needs to the best of our ability, or if not, can at least make it feel equitable in a way that both parties are going to be happy with. And clearly that family is not doing that. So.

Nicole Lapin (13:52)

And I have a hard time expressing my needs. This is a challenge for most people, and it's something that you have to constantly practice and a skill to cultivate. And the most important place to do that is in your core family unit. And so, yeah, it's something that I think about a lot. Am I asking for what I need? It's something that I think about a lot. If I get upset about taking on too much, that's like, well, did I ask for help or did I express what I needed? And if I didn't, then I'm the asshole.

Jason Pfeiffer (14:24)

Yeah, Jen has called me out on that many times where I didn't say what I needed. And then I was upset that I didn't get what I needed. I can remember last summer we went to visit her parents in Maine, and we were at this house on a lake. And it's very nice. Maine is very nice. But the problem is that there wasn't anything really for the kids to do. There weren't like, kid activities, no other families. So the kids are just around. So I was. But managing kids a lot. And I have a limited bandwidth on that. Like, I need to be able to step out and just have some time for me. And I wasn't doing that. I didn't have that and so when we left, I was like, grumpy. It was like days of just kid management and no time for myself. And she could tell that I was grumpy. And eventually I expressed that grumpiness. And her response to me was, but you never said that you needed that. Like, you never said, hey, I need a break from the kids. If I had known that, I would have given you a break from the kids. But you didn't say it, so how could I have helped you?

Nicole Lapin (15:22)

And you're the asshole.

Jason Pfeiffer (15:23)

The answer is I was the asshole. That's true. Yeah.

Nicole Lapin (15:26)

So before you get to Grumpy Smurf, be communicative. Smurf.

Jason Pfeiffer (15:29)

That's right. And therefore, you are never asshole Smurf. Stick around. Help Wanted. We'll be right back. Welcome back to Help Wanted. Let's get to it. Let's do one more. This is also from Reddit. In the Am I the Asshole? Thread. The title is Am I the asshole for telling my husband he needs to quit his dream job. That's going to be good. All right. Again, the voice of Reddit. The voice of Reddit to me is just like, sped up and a little anxious. I don't know. I and my husband.

Nicole Lapin (16:08)

You're in great. You're getting a great character.

Jason Pfeiffer (16:10)

Thank you. My husband and I live in an area with an extremely high cost of living. I work a job that pays decently well, which is kind of necessary to live where we do. My husband worked a job for years that paid less than mine did, but was okay overall, though he absolutely hated working there. Around October of last year, my husband managed to get a job in his dream career field. The big issue is the pay in his field is abysmal. He works as a freelancer, which is standard in his industry. So his job has zero benefits, and it's a pretty significant pay cut from his old job. We do not have combined finances, and after he took the new job, we had to rearrange how we pay for things to account for his lower income. Previously, he had covered a slightly larger percentage of the expenses due to me having student loans to pay off while he didn't. As it is now, I. I have to be the breadwinner since his income was basically halved, which means that I'm now paying for a larger portion of the expenses. I sat him down recently and told him that I felt he needed to quit his job and find a better paying field because it just wasn't feasible. He got upset since he said this is something he's dreamed of for years and worked really hard to get, which I do understand, but I just feel this isn't fair to me. We've had to cut back on a lot of things and there's just not really any sign of a pay increase at this point. He offered to get a part time job on the side, but I know that anything that he could get that would be feasible for him while keeping his current job just wouldn't provide much. He suggested that we move somewhere less expensive, to which I said absolutely not, since we'd have to go quite a ways to find something in that range and it'd be ridiculously a long commute to my work and being further away from my family. And he offered to have his parents help, which I don't want because it's not a long term solution. He is extremely upset and I understand it because I know he worked hard to get here. If he quit now, it would basically kill his career and it would be extremely hard for him to get another shot at this job. It's not like we're struggling, which is true. We can pay rent and put food on the table. But I hate feeling like this. I work long days at a rather difficult job while he works from home doing something he did before as a hobby and only makes half as much money now. My point is not that it's like he has to stop doing what he loves altogether since, as I mentioned, he did it as a hobby before. But he's upset because he said this is the only thing he's ever wanted to do career wise. And giving it up now would mean that he'd likely never be able to make it work again. Am I the asshole? I understand this is important to him, but I'm starting to resent him because I feel like the burden of our finances are being placed on me and we've had to cut back on a lot of things. All right, that's the message. Nicole, who's the asshole?

Nicole Lapin (18:59)

I'm not sure.

Nicole Lapin (19:00)

Let's talk it out a little bit. We've had this discussion on the show before where you can find passion in a lot of places, but you have to optimize at work for money. And unless you're doing something illegal or nefarious or sketchy, you need to make money from your job, Right? That is the number one thing to optimize for. Sometimes you can do things like it was a hobby for him on the side that are passion projects that are just hobbies and not jobbies. And so a lot of people want to make their jobby and think it's going to be rainbows and butterflies and I love baking, and so I'll open up a bakery. But then that becomes a whole business. And maybe it was just a hobby and it should have just stayed a hobby. So it doesn't sound like they have kids, but when you're in a committed relationship, you need to decide collectively what that lifestyle is going to be. And. And I think that if he had something that was a hobby and now is a job, maybe it's a season of his life, in which case she is the asshole. Let him live and enjoy what he's doing. And it sounds like he's worked really hard, and it sounds like it hasn't been that long, but if it's something that is going to last for a long time and it's not just a season and she doesn't want to live that way, then they're probably not. And he's going to be resentful if he has to give up this thing, which it sounds like he's not in the camp of optimizing for making money at his job. And so he's going to be Grumpy Smurf.

Jason Pfeiffer (20:43)

Yeah, so you use the word resentful, and that was the thing that I was thinking about the most here. I think that economically speaking, if this was just an economist bot that was responding to this, then I think the answer about the hobby and jobby thing is correct. Like, he's making a decision that prioritizes joy over making money for the family. And we should never discount that. That's very valuable. But of course, when we're thinking about how both parties need to contribute to the larger shared goal, maybe this isn't the right decision. But you know what? That's not actually how the world works, because there's also just human emotions that are built into all of this. And if he had to give up this dream to make more money, he would be so resentful. And that has to be factored in and also not discounted. I think that's a perfectly reasonable thing. This is what he'd always wanted to do. He had always been clear about that with her. She had supported it for a long time. And for her to then, like, turn it around on him is going to lead to resentment, even if she's making perfectly valid points. So we have to consider that, to me, one of the most problematic parts of this were how dismissive she was of every solution that he had proposed, which is not to say that they were the best Solutions. She's right. Leaning on his parents is not a long term solution.

Nicole Lapin (22:12)

But how about engaging or moving to another town?

Jason Pfeiffer (22:18)

Right? Like, how about engaging with the possibility that there are other solutions here or rather even solutions that might get them from one season to the next. So I could imagine, for example, all right, I'm this woman. My husband really wants to hold onto this job that doesn't pay that much. And he is offering to rope his parents into this situation to some way or another subsidize this through their time. Therefore, whatever it is, okay, if he can make that work, then go for it. And what would happen? What would happen is that his parents would pitch in for a while and then they would get annoyed and start talking to him. And now we would be moving into a different season. And that different season is like different considerations. And where are some other options? What are some other things you could do? But also maybe it's a bridge and that gets him a year further into this and he makes more money, money and this problem goes away or whatever. I think that in a way there's some asshole to be found all around here. But I saw him acknowledge that this is a problem and try to come up with solutions that didn't involve him doing the thing that he might spend the rest of his life resenting her for. And I didn't see her being willing to engage in that because she had only one idea of how this problem gets solved and that I didn't love.

Nicole Lapin (23:35)

Yes, I agree. And there was a previous season where it sounds like he supported her or spent more money because she was paying down student loans. And was he resentful? I don't know. But I do like that he is solutions oriented. And if he wants to make it work, I feel like she should give him a chance to make it work and really go through some of those other scenarios that he put forth. So with that said, I'm gonna say she's the asshole.

Jason Pfeiffer (24:04)

Yeah, I'm gonna go with that too. She's the asshole. All right. Well, this is fun. What was the ultimate solution here? Communication and a willingness to solve problems together. And if you can do that, then there's no assholes.

Sponsor/Announcer (24:21)

Help Wanted is a production of Money News Network.

Jason Pfeiffer (24:24)

Help Wanted is hosted by me, Jason.

Nicole Lapin (24:26)

Pfeiffer, and me, Nicole Lapman. Our executive producer is Morgan Lavoy. Do you want some help? Email our helpline@helpwantedoneynewsnetwork.com for the chance to have some of your questions answered on the show and follow us on Instagram at Money News and Tik Tok Money News Network for exclusive content and to see our beautiful faces. Maybe a little dance?

Jason Pfeiffer (24:46)

Oh, I didn't sign up for that.

Nicole Lapin (24:48)

All right, well, talk to you soon.

Jason Pfeiffer (25:07)

Sam.