B (3:04)

And on Thursdays I give you one way to improve your work and build a career or company you love.

A (3:09)

And it starts now.

B (3:11)

Someone upset you and you want to respond immediately. Maybe they criticized your work or said something rude or made a bad decision. Your first instinct is to tell them exactly how you feel to defend yourself, set the record straight, or make sure they know they're wrong. But here's what I've learned. Your short term impulses rarely serve your long term needs. Today I will share a framework that's helped me navigate moments of stress more effectively and show you why the most satisfying response is rarely the smartest one. And to start, let me tell you about a friend who recently had a problem just like this. She had reviewed a colleague's document and gave feedback, but her colleague was offended by it. So now the colleague was giving her the cold shoulder and seemed to be talking to their boss about the problem. My friend was frustrated. Her feedback had been professional and necessary and she caught a few important errors. Now my friend wanted to confront the co worker directly. She told me, this woman is lucky that I caught her mistakes and I'm going to tell her that directly. Hold on, I said. Before she did anything, I wanted to share a story about the worst professional email I've ever sent. So back in college I was an editor at the student magazine and another editor, a guy named Marty, once did something that upset me. So I wrote a long, furious email to him. I cannot remember what the problem was or what my email said, but I do distinctly remember one sentence which sums it all up. I wrote, you have fucked me, Marty. So dramatic. I know. I mean, I was 19. I hit send and felt satisfied for exactly one second. Then I realized all the things that would follow. I would wait in agony for him to respond. Then he would respond and I would be afraid to open the email. Eventually I would have to read it and then I'd feel upset and then I'd have to escalate the situation or apologize. By sending the email, I had made the situation even larger. I had to think about it more, worry about it more, and spend more time on it, which was the exact opposite of what I wanted. That experience taught me to think differently about those moments when we're upset and want to respond immediately. We need to step back and ask ourselves three questions. Question number one what are my short term needs? Which is often to feel vindicated. Question number two, what are my long term needs? Which are usually stability, focus, good relationships, and so on. Question number three, what is right for this situation? Like what serves everyone involved, not just my own ego. Okay, right. So questions are, what are my short term needs? What are my long term needs? What's right for this situation? Now here is the hardest part. Once you identify everything above, you must deprioritize your own short term needs because if you pursue them, it'll often come at the cost of your long term needs. I shared all this with my friend who was struggling with her offended coworker. And I explained, your short term needs right now are to feel vindicated. Your long term needs are to do good work and be valued at the company. And what's right for this situation is to get everyone aligned. If she pursued her short term needs, she would probably say something that she regretted and then spend the next week obsessing over it. Don't talk to your co worker at all. I told my friend. Just go to your boss. Explain that you're concerned about the tension and you want guidance on how to proceed. That will make your boss feel needed and appreciated and show that your top priority is the team. So that is what she did and it went great. The boss said she was right and that the co worker was overreacting. He talked to the coworker and my friend never had to have the confrontation at all. Thank you. She told me. I would have totally made the problem worse. It feels counterintuitive, doesn't it? When we give in to our short term needs, we create more discomfort for ourselves. And when we do what's right for the situation as a whole, we create less discomfort for ourselves, even if it means we have to apologize for something or swallow our pride a little, or pass up a moment of vindication. And this applies everywhere in relationships. For example, your partner does something that annoys you, you could snap at them immediately, which will lead to an argument and hurt feelings and more conversations to repair the damage. Or you could wait until you're calm and you could address it constructively. This applies with friends. Someone cancels plans last minute. You could send a passive aggressive text about how inconsiderate they are, which will make things weird. Or you could express disappointment directly but kindly and focus on making new plans. Or this appears with customers or clients. They make an unreasonable request and you could tell them exactly why they're wrong, which could feel good for a moment but will cost you the relationship. Or you could find a way to just redirect them in a way that serves both them and you. This is hard to appreciate, but we all need to hear it. When you feel wronged, it does not matter if other people know it. Instead, what matters is that you're able to move on with your life and do what you want. I don't want a life of endless squabbles and distractions. I don't want to constantly worry what someone else is thinking. Instead, I want a life of bountiful goodwill and open highways where I can focus on what matters and pursue what I desire because I am not bogged down by disagreement. Your future self will thank you for the restraint that you show today. Help Wanted is a production of Money News Network. Help Wanted is hosted by me, Jason.

A (9:07)

Pfeiffer and me, Nicole Lapin. Our executive producer is Morgan Lavoy. Do you want some help? Email our helpline@helpwantedoneynewsnetwork.com for the chance to have some of your questions answered on the show and follow us on Instagram, MoneyNews and TikTokoneyNewsNetwork for exclusive content and to see our beautiful faces. Maybe a little dance?

B (9:28)

Oh, I didn't sign up for that.

A (9:29)

All right, well, talk to you soon.