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You need help with something and you are not asking for it. Maybe you need an introduction or some advice or a favor from someone in your network. You know that they would probably say yes, but something stops you. You think, I don't want to annoy them. They're busy enough. I'm not going to ask. And then you struggle alone. Today I am going to show you why this approach is completely backwards and how asking for help actually strengthens your relationships. It was a revelation for me because I was just like you. In fact, let me start by telling you about the time that I had to ask many people for help. I was deeply uncomfortable about it, but what I learned was enormous because I was shocked by their response. So here is the time I asked everyone for help. I had a book come out in 2022. It's called build for Tomorrow. And when a book comes out, well, every author has to do the thing that every author dreads, which is activate their entire network. Just ask literally everybody they know for a favor. Can somebody buy a copy? Can they share on social? Can they have me on their podcast? Whatever? Please do something, everybody. This made me cringe. I mean, I love doing favors for people. I love doing favors for people, but I hate asking people for anything in return. I just don't want to be A burden, but I had no choice. So I reached out to acquaintances and friends and even a bunch of famous people. Almost everybody said yes, which was gratifying and humbling. But it's what happened next that really stunned me. A bunch of people said some version of this to me. They said, thank you for finally asking me for something. You have been so generous in the past and you never gave me a chance to return the favor. And I've always felt awkward about it. That is what they said, and I was blown away at that. All this time, I thought that asking for help was the burden. It never occurred to me that not asking for help was actually the true imposition. But wait, why would this be? To answer that, let's go to an unexpected place to leap back in time to one of the strangest controversies of the 1800s to understand why people today really, really want you to ask them for help. All right, we're going back to when people hated birthday parties until the mid-1800s. This is fun fact, true history here. Most people did not celebrate their birthday. In fact, most people didn't even know their birthday. Then a bunch of things changed all at once. First, states required that children attend school, so it was now important to know exactly how old kids were so that they could be put in the proper grades. And then, number two, industrialization led to more families having money, money that they could spend on things. And number three, an influx of German immigrants started opening bakeries. So people now knew their birthdays, they had money to spend, and they had access to cake party time. But this was controversial as the idea of the birthday party really took shape because traditionalists worried if we celebrate children just for being alive, just for surviving another year, well, then we will teach them to become selfish narcissists. We'll tell them you are special just because. And that will destroy local communities because it'll teach these kids to be so self obsessed and self centered that they won't be as community minded as anyone who came before them. And here is what that fear sounded like in the words of someone from that time. This is from a 1913 article in Ladies Home Journal. Ready? The children's birthday party habit not only affects the moral nature of children in various ways and sows dangerous seeds for the future in child character and habits, but it also threatens their happiness through the danger to health which such parties involve. Okay, thank you. Ladies Home Journal, 1913. But despite these concerns, many families held birthday parties anyway. And a surprising thing happened. To learn how we embraced the birthday party, I called A guy named Russell Belk. He's a professor at York University and has studied the history of birthday parties. And he told me that, yes, people worried about birthday parties because they would destroy community. But as parties became more widespread, the opposite actually proved true. Birthday parties actually brought communities closer together. And here's why. In his words, he said, quote, there's a lingering debt in the birthday party celebration, or the exchange of gifts which keeps the group spirit alive, end quote. That concept felt like a revelation to me. A lingering debt. What interesting language. Consider it. When Sally invites Jimmy to her birthday party, Jimmy is now in debt to Sally. It is a lingering debt which he can only repay by inviting her to his birthday party. And when Jimmy gets Sally a present, Sally is in debt to Jimmy. A lingering debt which she can only repay by giving him a present on his birthday. This isn't a financial debt per se. I mean, I guess it technically is in a way, but like, it is really a social debt and it lingers until the next birthday rolls around. That is the true genius of the birthday party. It is a self reinforcing system that cycles annually, creating an endless loop of satisfying debt and repayment. And. And the kids love it. This is exactly also what happens when we ask for help in our adult relationships. We create a lingering social debt and it triggers something deep inside of us. In psychology, this is called the reciprocity principle. When someone does something for us, we feel psychologically obligated to return the favor. It's not just politeness. It is a fundamental human drive that helps maintain social bonds. And reciprocity is satisfying, fulfilling and affirming. Here's evidence. Think about the strongest relationships that you have today. You do not think, oh, I love that person because we leave each other alone, right? Instead, you do think, that person would do anything for me and I will do anything for them. This is what creates bonds. It is the exchange of time and energy back and forth, over and over, forming a deeper connection each time. This is what we want. This is what we love. So why do we also fear it? I have four guesses about why we're so uncomfortable asking people for help. And that's just based on whatever makes me uncomfortable asking for help. So here it is. Number one, we overestimate the burden. We imagine that our request will be a huge inconvenience for someone, even if it's actually very small. Number two, we underestimate their willingness to help because we're terrible at predicting other people's generosity. Number three, we fear rejection when we ask for help. It's almost like we're testing the strength of a relationship and we're afraid to be disappointed. And number four, we have been conditioned to be independent. Asking for help feels like a weakness, even though it's obviously not. But psychology and history and my own personal experience shows otherwise. People want to help. They need to help. They are uncomfortable not helping. So the next time you hesitate to seek help, ask yourself this first, have I helped the person that I'm asking right now? Number two, if I have helped them, do they want to help me back? And then finally, am I being unkind to them by not letting them return the favor? And then once you have your answers, ask. For your sake and for theirs, ask. They will be so happy you did. And now here I'm gonna make an ask, which is that if you do not already subscribe to my newsletter, you should. This that you just heard right now is from my newsletter. It's called One thing each week. One way to be more successful and satisfying and build a career or company that you love. And I read them here on Help Wanted every Thursday. So if you're a longtime listener, you know that. But there is always value in getting it in your inbox. You'll get it first before it comes out on Help Wanted. And I put all sorts of other valuable things in there as well. All you have to do is go to OneThingBetter email that is a web address. Plug it into a browser. One thingBetter email. And now I've asked and maybe you'll do it and have an ask of me. I don't know. Let's see how the lingering debt goes. Help Wanted is a production of Money News Network. Help Wanted is hosted by me, Jason.
