Mailbag: Dating, Money & Love: Matchmaker Maria Answers Your Toughest Questions!

Summary

HerMoney with Jean Chatzky: Mailbag Episode – Dating, Money & Love with Matchmaker Maria Abkatitis

Release Date: February 14, 2025

In this heartfelt and insightful episode of HerMoney with Jean Chatzky, host Jean Chatzky teams up once again with renowned matchmaker Maria Abkatitis to tackle listeners' pressing questions about navigating the complex interplay between dating, money, and love. The episode delves deep into the financial dynamics that often underpin romantic relationships, offering practical advice and empowering insights tailored specifically for women. This summary captures the essence of their engaging conversation, highlighting key points, notable quotes, and valuable conclusions.

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Introduction: Focusing on Financial Compatibility in Dating

Maria Abkatitis opens the conversation by expressing her frustration as a matchmaker:

"One of the things that frustrates me as a matchmaker and a dating professional is the amount of people that will decline a fantastic match just because they don't want to spend 10 days out of the entire year doing some specific vacation trip." (00:00)

Maria emphasizes the importance of looking beyond superficial disagreements, such as vacation preferences, to focus on more substantial aspects of a relationship like daily financial management and long-term financial compatibility.

Listener Questions: Balancing Love and Financial Security

1. Navigating Financial Disparities in Dating

Listener Profile:

• Age: 53
• Status: Recently divorced (2 years)
• Financials: $600,000 in savings, maximum 401k contributions, potential pension of $3,000+ monthly, eligible for half of ex-husband’s Social Security from a $150,000 income.

Question: The listener is dating a 60-year-old gentleman who has no retirement plan beyond Social Security. She is concerned about the potential financial imbalance and seeks advice on whether this should be a deal-breaker.

Maria’s Insight: Maria advises focusing on the broader financial behaviors and future expectations rather than just the presence or absence of a retirement plan:

"What are the right questions to ask, not only them, but yourself... how does he think about financial responsibility?" (04:56)

She highlights the necessity of understanding a potential partner's financial strategy, lifestyle expectations, and whether there might be resentment if the financial burden becomes unbalanced.

Jean’s Follow-Up: Jean probes further into how to anticipate future resentment:

"How do you know up front if the resentment is going to kick in later?" (07:13)

Maria’s Response: She emphasizes the gender dynamics in financial planning and the importance of discussing lifestyle expectations early on:

"Ask about their lifestyle expectations. Do you feel uneasy about supporting someone in retirement?" (07:35)

2. The Importance of Prenups in Later-Life Marriages

Listener Profile:

• Age: 41 and 42
• Status: Married for almost three years
• Context: Both entered marriage with significant separate assets and potential children.

Question: The listener seeks advice on the necessity of prenups for individuals in their 40s and 50s who are re-entering marriage with their own assets and children.

Maria’s Insight: Maria underscores the heightened importance of prenups when entering a marriage with prior financial commitments:

"A prenup is much more important if you're coming into a relationship with separate assets... separate children." (10:40)

She explains that prenups help maintain control over individual assets and protect the interests of children and separate financial obligations, preventing future disputes.

3. Dating with a Significant Income Gap

Listener Profile:

• Age: 30
• Status: Dating a physician while being a student
• Financials: Limited income, with 15 months left in her program.

Question: The listener is grappling with accepting financial help from her high-earning partner while striving to maintain her independence.

Maria’s Insight: Maria advises evaluating the intention behind the financial support and the emotional implications of accepting help:

"It's about intention and your feelings about it... does it make you feel cared for or indebted?" (11:45)

She encourages accepting support when it stems from genuine generosity and support, ensuring that it doesn’t lead to feelings of obligation or loss of independence.

4. Managing Finances in Retirement and Continuing to Date Your Spouse

Listener Profile:

• Age: Retired couple
• Status: Both have built comprehensive financial plans over their lifetimes.

Question: The listener seeks guidance on navigating financial discussions in retirement while maintaining a romantic and enriching relationship with her spouse.

Maria’s Insight: Maria highlights the importance of retaining individual identities and continuing to "date" one’s spouse even in retirement:

"You have to continue to find time to give yourself joy. Because that is what makes being with someone enjoyable." (15:21)

She advises setting aside dedicated time for each other, maintaining personal interests, and ensuring that both partners contribute to the mutual enrichment of the relationship. This approach helps prevent financial stress from overshadowing the romantic aspects of their partnership.

Key Takeaways and Final Thoughts

Throughout the episode, Maria Abkatitis provides a wealth of knowledge tailored to women navigating the intersection of romance and financial stability. The primary themes include:

1. Open Communication: Couples should engage in honest and vulnerable conversations about their financial situations and future expectations to prevent misunderstandings and resentment.

2. Financial Compatibility: Beyond income levels, understanding each other's financial habits, responsibilities, and long-term plans is crucial for a harmonious relationship.

3. Protection of Assets: Especially for those entering relationships later in life with existing assets and children, prenups are valuable tools to safeguard individual financial interests.

4. Maintaining Independence: Accepting financial help should enhance a relationship without compromising personal independence or leading to feelings of obligation.

5. Continuous Relationship Building: Even in retirement, couples should actively "date" each other to maintain a fulfilling and joyful partnership, balancing financial discussions with romantic and personal enrichment.

Maria concludes with actionable advice:

"Make sure that both of you are prioritizing the life you want to have together while also nurturing your individual identities."

Resources and Further Engagement

For listeners seeking additional matchmaking services or dating advice, Maria Abkatitis provides multiple avenues to connect:

• Instagram: Follow @MatchmakerMaria
• Website: matchmakermaria.com
• Programs: Join group intensives, matchmaker databases, or participate in curated trips like the upcoming Greece getaway.
• Book: Pre-order her latest book through her website for comprehensive insights into building meaningful relationships.

Meanwhile, HerMoney with Jean Chatzky invites women to enhance their financial literacy and investing acumen through their tailored programs:

• Finance Fix: Ultimate money makeover program.
• Investing Fix: A bi-weekly investing club designed specifically for women, fostering financial confidence and empowerment.

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By addressing the nuanced challenges women face in balancing love and financial security, this episode of HerMoney equips listeners with the knowledge and tools to build strong, financially compatible relationships. Whether navigating new romances, re-entering the dating scene, or maintaining a fulfilling partnership in retirement, Maria and Jean provide invaluable guidance to ensure women can love confidently and live worry-free.

Transcript

[Maria Abkatitis]

One of the things that frustrates me as a matchmaker and a dating professional is the amount of people that will decline a fantastic match just because they don't want to spend 10 days out of the entire year doing some specific vacation trip. What really I want you to think about when you're dating is the day to day dates, the day to day conversations, and how you're managing money if you're deciding to live together or go on dates together or share a lifestyle together.

[Jean Chatsky]

Have you checked out Investing Fix yet? Investing Fix is our investing club for women. And if you haven't given us a look, see, consider this your official nudge. We are in the thick of earnings season and last session my co host Karen Feinerman from cnbc, she broke down exactly why listening to the earnings calls that companies make public is just another tool in your arsenal. She shared a list of the key things that she pays attention to when she's listening into these earnings calls, plus when it's okay to wait till the call is over and then listen to it at one and a half speed. You get all the information at half the time. Next session, a few of our Investing Fix members are going to share what they learn from listening into earnings calls and that'll affect what we buy and what we sell in our portfolio. It's as interactive and comprehensive as it sounds. And if you want in, join us at investingfix.com we spell Fix with two X's. We'll send you all the information that you need so that you can start making informed investing moves right away. Can't wait to see you there.

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[Jean Chatsky]

Hey everyone, I'm Jean Chatsky. Thanks for joining me today on HerMoney. So we are bringing you a mailbag all about your dating questions. If you were listening on Wednesday, then we had matchmaker Maria Abkatitis on our show telling us the truth. Actually, about what it takes, what it costs to date these days and how to make some smarter choices. We asked our amazing HerMoney Facebook community what questions they had For Maria. And we got some amazing responses. Maria, hi, welcome back.

[Maria Abkatitis]

Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to be back here again.

[Jean Chatsky]

Our first question is from an anonymous listener, which we allow, but we definitely allow on a day when we're talking about dating. She writes, I'm 53 and somewhat recently divorced. Two years. I have about $600,000 and contribute the maximum to my 401k. And I'm starting a career where I can receive a potentially reasonable monthly pension, 3,000 or more a month when I retire. I'm also able to receive half of my ex husband's Social Security. He earns 150,000. I working hard to try to have a secure retirement. I'm starting to date and I'm realizing that I could potentially have a more secure retirement than some of the men I meet. I don't share my financial details, by the way. Here's what I'm wrestling with. I started seeing a 60 year old gentleman who's been very lovely. He does not know my financial picture. I have come to realize that he has no retirement plan outside of Social Security. How are others navigating this? Would this be a deal breaker for you? Any advice? So Maria, before you dive in, I gotta tell you, among the women who I know who are single, this comes up a lot, right? Women. Women have more college degrees than men these days, more graduate degrees. We're starting to come into our own as the primary breadwinners and we are historically better savers. So of course in many situations we've set ourselves up to be pretty secure and it's something that we really care about. What would you say to her?

[Maria Abkatitis]

So I think this is an incredible question and ultimately it's about what are the right questions to ask, not only them, but yourself. I mean, the main question that she's asking is like, does he have a retirement savings beyond his Social Security? And the questions that I would ask for instance is how does he think about financial responsibility? Some people may have saved a lot of money, but they're so financially reckless that it will affect the lifestyle that you share. But if they are, if they've planned for their future, what sort of strategy does he have to support himself? Like in that specific example where she's talking about Social Security, what are his lifestyle expectations? There are people who have planned on their Social Security as you know, if their mortgage is paid off and they have their Social Security, they have thought, okay, well these are my lifestyle expectations. And maybe one of the questions that could come up is does he expect to travel extensively. Now that he's with you, is he expecting to enjoy a lifestyle that he cannot afford, but he's expecting you to supplement? Which comes down to the main question. Would you feel resentment if the financial burden eventually falls more on you? So I don't believe that all that someone can offer, especially a man, is their financial well being or financial success. I think that there's a lot more that a man can offer, which is their emotional generosity, their safety, if they are an actual safe person. So all relationships do require all these different levels of generosity, be it financial, emotional, spiritual, intellectual. And so I think what we got to go back to the financial, it's like, is there resentment if the financial burden falls on you, but also what sort of responsibility does he have in return? If you already feel uneasy about the possibility of supporting someone in retirement, that's something to pay attention to. It's also something to express to them if, if you really like them, if you envision building a future with them. We have to also be okay with having vulnerable conversations about money and about what that future looks like when you.

[Jean Chatsky]

Are just starting to date somebody. Often there's, you know, you get the warm fuzzies, right? You're feeling like, oh, it's going to be fine. Yes, I have more money than he does, but I'm not going to worry about that because love is blooming. How do you know up front if the resentment is going to kick in later?

[Maria Abkatitis]

You know, it's worth thinking about how a lot of men don't think like this. Right, right. Men do not enter relationships for the most part thinking about what is she financially bringing to the table. I think we've just been as women sold on this hegemy idea where women need to date wealthier men, women need to date more educated men. And we all know that right now there's way more women. Enrollment in colleges, women are outpacing men in certain industries and how, how they're doing. And like you said, women are saving more. So it's okay to, I think in the early dating ask about their lifestyle expectations. Like, oh, five years down the line or do you think you'll retire and what would that look like for you? How have you planned for that future?

[Jean Chatsky]

Okay, lifestyle expectations. That's where we're going to focus. Our next question comes from Andrea. She is asking about a prenup. She writes, my husband and I signed a prenup before we got married almost three years ago. We're now 41 and 42 and plan to love each other forever but at our ages. When we got married, we both had a lot of separate assets we built up individually during our single years. By the way, he has more money than I do. I still think there is a stigma around a prenup, but I'm very appreciative that my husband and I had an open conversation about finances and our future and mutually agreed a prenup was a good thing for us to do. So my question is for my other friends who are in their 40s and 50s and dating again, are prenups more important when you're coming into a marriage with separate assets built up later in life? What if you have kids separately? For example, how do you plan for college for them? Maria I'm going to take this one, if you don't mind. Yes, a prenup is much more important if you're coming into a relationship with anything separate separate assets, separate children, separate expected inheritance, separate business, separate real estate. Because the goal is that you want to make sure that you have control over what happens to those things going into this relationship. You can make changes later on if that is something that you want to do. But you don't want your hand to be forced by the fact that, say, you live in a community property state. You don't want your hand to be forced because you decided to partner up with someone and that too impact or even harm, let's say, those kids down the road. So I would say for all those folks who are in their 40s and 50s and dating again, I got married again in my 40s. My mother got married again in her early 70s. We both got prenups. Before we take our last two questions, a quick word from our sponsors. Welcome to Nadia Yada island, next on.

[Maria Abkatitis]

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[Jean Chatsky]

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[Maria Abkatitis]

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[Jean Chatsky]

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[Maria Abkatitis]

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[Jean Chatsky]

And we are back with matchmaker Maria. We've got another question about dating with an income gap, she writes. Another anonymous listener, Maria, she says, I've got a question about dating with a huge income gap. He's a physician and I'm a student. I'm 30 and I've got about 15 months left in my program. We've been dating about eight months. I'm standing on my own two feet, but it's challenging. He's offered to help with plane tickets so I can visit family and tuition. I want to feel that I'm capable on my own, but I'm wondering if I should accept help. What do you think?

[Maria Abkatitis]

So I think the thing I think about is two things. Intention and your feelings about it. So it sounds like he genuinely wants to support you based on what you just wrote to us. But it doesn't seem he's supporting you because you need it, but because he cares about you. So if that's true, if what I'm coming off what you're saying is true, then that offer is coming from generosity. But if the intention is to have some sort of control or have some sort of expectation, that is an important distinction to have. And then we have to talk about our feelings about it. So if you accept this offer from them, right, plane tickets, a trip, maybe helping you with rent, whatever that case is, does it make you feel cared for? Does it make you feel supported? Do you still feel independent? Then that's something to certainly think about. But also if it makes you feel indebted, guilty, pressured, that is a sign to decline the support.

[Jean Chatsky]

Great, great advice. And one more, this one's from Beverly, who says, how do you navigate money discussions differently when you are both retired and you have financial plans that you've built over a lifetime? And this question reminded me of something that you said during our original interview, which was that you have to continue to date your spouse. Can you talk about both of those things?

[Maria Abkatitis]

There is this sort of magic that happens to, I think, a lot of women, which is learning, I hope for a lot of women learning, when you can also just do things on your own and not with your partner. So when you are dating, you can say, like, hey, I go on these two girls trips every year. It's things, something I look forward to, I enjoy spending time with. That's just showing that you have an enriched life. I'm answering this question in this way because I think what the question is really asking us is like, can they afford the life that I've dreamed to have in retirement? And it's like, you can dream any life you want in retirement with a partner and without. But we still have to have time for ourselves and do the things that we still plan for. It just doesn't have to necessarily be with that partner. What that partner has to provide to you is the support. Day to day one of the Things that frustrates me as a matchmaker and a dating professional is the amount of people that will decline a fantastic match just because they don't want to spend 10 days out of the entire year doing some specific vacation trip. What really I want you to think about when you're dating is the day to day dates, the day to day conversations, and how you're managing money if you're deciding to live together or go on dates together or share a lifestyle together. And in terms about you asking about how important it is to date your partner even if you're in a relationship, I mean, I think as women, our identity can sway a lot based on what's going around us. Like an example that I can certainly share from a personal perspective is when I became a mother, how quickly my identity shifted from this badass business owner slash sexy girlfriend wife to my husband. And now I was mommy. And it's not because my husband made me a mommy. It's because I became a mommy. And that mommy only wanted to talk about the color of my kids poop. Because that's all you can really talk about the first six months with your partner. Right. This is a big life transition.

[Jean Chatsky]

Yeah.

[Maria Abkatitis]

And so you have to snap out of it. You have to say, okay, I. I'm also a sexy wife. I'm also a badass business owner. I have to do things that I actually enjoy by myself that enrich my life, that I can now share with my spouse in conversation. So it's not just about poop. I also have to date my spouse. He also has to do likable things. He also has to enrich his life and share that with me. And we also have to actually make the plan, make the dating plans. Like for us, it was the 15th of every month. We had to physically go out. We had to get a babysitter. Like, we had to do all these things because God damn it, we're going out. But that's what essentially is. It is prioritizing the fact that this is the life that I want to have with my spouse. And I'm going to tell you why it's important to do that. Because if your partner and you keep yourself at this identity that you don't certainly recognize and you don't want to be known for, one day you will be on a business trip. One day you will be on a trip with your girlfriends. One day you will be at a cafe around the neighborhood, and someone who does not know you as mommy will give you the attention that you have been craving to Snap out of it. And the amount of people who will cheat on their spouses just because someone else who's not worthy of our time, who's not worthy of completely destroying our financial future, just because they gave us an ego boost, because they don't know the full picture of our life. I don't know if this is something that's going to be relatable to anyone who's listening, but I think it will be that there is this place where we will go through identity shifts as people, right? It happens again when our children go to college. It happens again when you retire. It happens again when, if we have to become a caregiver or something happens like losing your job, your identity shifts. And in that, you still have to manage to find time to give yourself joy. Because that is what makes being with someone enjoyable.

[Jean Chatsky]

Maria, you are a very, very wise woman. If there are women listening who want to get into your dating pool or who are looking for additional matchmaking or dating advice, where can they find you?

[Maria Abkatitis]

So the first thing you can do is of course follow me on Instagram at Matchmaker Maria. But you can also visit matchmaker maria.com it's got all the stuff there. You can join my database. You can go on a trip with me to Greece this summer. I'd love to have you. You can join a group intensive. We have a new cohort every month. And of course you can pre order my book on the website as well.

[Jean Chatsky]

Thank you so much.

[Maria Abkatitis]

Thank you so much, Jean. It was a pleasure.

[Jean Chatsky]

If you love this episode episode, please give us a five star review on Apple Podcasts. We always value your feedback and if you want to keep the financial conversations going, join me for a deeper dive. HerMoney has two incredible programs. Finance Fix, which is designed to give you the ultimate money makeover, and Investing Fix, which is our investing club for women that meets bi weekly on Zoom Zoom. With both programs, we are leveling the playing fields for women's financial confidence and power. I would love to see you there. Her Money is produced by Hayley Pascalides. Our music is provided by Video Helper and our show comes to you through Megaphone. Thanks for joining us and we'll talk soon.