Transcript

JPC (0:01)

This is a Headgum podcast. Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, no. Kyle Mooney. Yes. Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good.

Adol (0:11)

Thanks, buddy.

JPC (0:12)

Yeah. And we host the show. What's our podcast Here on Headgum. But we want to make sure you heard about a very special episode with a very special guest that we just released. In the feed. Yeah, it's in the feed. It was sponsored by Squarespace because they were appalled. They were. That we didn't have a website for our show yet. They were like, you don't have a website? What are you guys, kindergartners? They wanted to do something about that. So we built a flawless, beautiful, perfectly designed website live on the pod with our very special guest and very web savvy guest. Should we tell them who it was? Let's. We could play 20 questions. I don't think we have time for that. Is it Person? No, it's not. It's Finn Wolfhard. But Finn had a bunch of great ideas for the website. Beck, you had some amazing ideas for the website. Thanks, Finn. You had some amazing ideas. Well, I was sort of driving the thing. I was sort of like clicking and I was like, let's put a little. Let's put some widgets in there. I was talking about widgets. He kept on using that phrase. Widget. Yeah, there's all sorts of stuff there. You might want to check out the hippo. Just go check out the website. Know that there's a hippo video and know that you're going to want to watch that. We had a lot of fun making this episode. We had a lot of fun making this website. I think you're going to have a fun time listening to it and maybe watching it. Think of it as our. A little Christmas present to you. Yeah. Yeah. This is a gift for you. Okay. It's just like. It's a selfless thing we did for you. Thanks to Squarespace for making us build a website sponsoring the episode. And for supporting creators across the Headgum Network. Go check out the bonus episode. What's our website from? What's our podcasts on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts, go to squarespace.com beckandkyle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code beckandkyle. Yes, sir. To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Get it, Kyle.

Aaron (1:48)

Hey, it's Tig Notaro from the handsome podcast.

JPC (1:52)

And I'm May Martin.

Aaron (1:53)

And I'm Fortune Feimster. Also from the Handsome podcast. And we wanted to let you know.

JPC (1:58)

That we made a very fun special.

Aaron (1:59)

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle #390: Butt Smokes a Pipe

Release Date: January 7, 2026
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan (JPC)

Episode Overview

The first episode of 2026 finds the “Hey Riddle Riddle” crew diving into their usual chaotic mix of riddles, improvised scenes, off-the-wall banter, and playful roasting of each other. The trio marks the new year with predictions (real and ridiculous) about what will “die” in 2026, does not shy away from bizarre tangents (including cartoon in-memoriams, OnlyFans economics, and hiding porn on desktops), and introduces a fresh tradition: audio “dance breaks.” Riddles do appear, but, true to their podcast’s spirit, are often just a vehicle for even more absurdity.

Main Themes & Segments

1. Jumpstarting 2026: Death Predictions & Absurd In Memoriam Scenarios

[03:53–09:37]

Annual Predictions: Hosts keep up the “tradition” of predicting who or what will die in the new year, blending real and fictional characters:
- Popeye the Sailor Man (“But smokes a pipe.”) (04:43)
- The Penguin TV show (“I think a second season is due and then I think it’s getting canceled.” – JPC, [05:33])
- Tom Cruise, “doing one of his little stunts” (05:47)
- Elvis – facetiously, “We’re going to find Elvis alive and then I think he’s gonna die this year.” (Adol, [06:45])
- John Lennon, with riffs about repeated assassinations just to maintain the “correct” headcanon ([07:16])
In-Memoriam Oscars Bit:
- Imagining an Oscars “In Memoriam” segment featuring cartoons and a single human.
- “If they did an In Memoriam at the Oscars and it was all cartoons and then one human being... They need to do more In Memoriam jokes.” (JPC, [08:34])
- Proposed: actors’ most ridiculous scenes (no matter how inappropriate) should be their memorial clips.
Notable Quote:
- “But smokes a pipe. Feels like one of the drawings my friend Joe would give me in, like, fourth grade to make me laugh.” (JPC, [04:58])

2. Digital Nostalgia & The Evolution of Porn Consumption

[10:27–15:23]

Mislabeling Files:
- The crew riffs on how files were hidden on desktops (e.g., naming your porn folder “KyleXY” so no one checks it).
- “KyleXY is what you name the file on your desktop where you hide your porn.” (JPC, [10:27])
Piracy Days:
- Reminiscing about Limewire/Kazaa/Napster days, where mistaken downloads led to surprises (not always the music or “Weird Al” track you expected).
Modern Trends:
- Discussion of ethical porn and the OnlyFans “renaissance.”
- JPC’s vulnerable admission: “I know about OnlyFans, but I’ve never used OnlyFans and I’ve never subscribed to an OnlyFans…” ([13:27])
- Advocacy for supporting smaller creators and discussing industry shifts.
Notable Quote:
- “I want the data on where people are getting their porn… OnlyFans has had such a renaissance, which is actually, I think, great because then you’re paying people directly.” (Aaron, [12:54])

3. Adding, Not Withholding: The Dance Break Tradition

[16:07–21:14]

No More “Giving Up” for New Years:
- Laughing about their failed attempts to do things like “no Googling,” “no Australian accents,” and so this year deciding not to “give something up,” but to “add” instead.
New Segment:
- Dance breaks: audio-only segments where, instead of dialogue, 30 seconds of music plays and listeners are advised to “picture us doing a Broadway-level dance break.”
- First dance break scene: JPC as a museum security guard, Adal as a sneaky thief ([18:08]).
Memorable Moment:
- “That was some Danny Kaye shit, Adel.” (Aaron, [21:01])

4. The Riddles (Finally!) and Riddle-Driven Tangents

[21:14–72:37]

Chess & Chess the Musical

[21:14–23:55]

Riddle: “This is a country without a land. Its kings and dignitaries are lifeless. If the king is annihilated, no one is left alive.”
- Answer: Chess
- Alternate answer suggested in true podcast tradition: Old Country Buffet.
Chess the Musical:
- Improv on outlandish scenes (flipping into pants), favorite (and embarrassing!) Spotify Wrapped songs.
- “They basically got flipped into a pair of pants...” (Adol, [22:36])

Riddle: “It grows in the woods, hangs in a shop. When you touch it, it cries.”

[23:55–28:03]

Wide-ranging guesses: icicles, onions, guitars, and finally on to violins (horses’ hair “crying” when played).
Result: Long improv as a pretentious violin shop owner (Adol) and orchestra shopper (Aaron).
Tangent: “Is there a difference between a violin and a fiddle?” ([32:30])

Corn, Sleep, and Regional Riddles

[47:02–62:03]

Indiana Corn Riddle: “Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?”
- Answer: Because there are too many ears.
Sleep Riddle: “Sometimes it’s shallow, Sometimes it’s deep, for ages you’ll find it led by sheep.”
- Answer: Sleep
Corn Maze Tangents:
- The architecture of corn mazes, Midwest vs. East Coast, “clam fields” (disgusting notion).
- “That’s how you make a Midwest superhero… Midwest Spider Man!” (Aaron, [50:55])
Massachusetts Riddle (1902):
- An old-timey poetic riddle; the answer is the letter “H”.
- Adol deduces the spelling riddle angle quickly.
- Prompt: “Everything seemed so disparate… a lot of the words… sounded like they’re pointing us toward a specific letter.” (Adol, [54:13])
- Improvised scene: verbose 1900s countrywoman and traveling salesman.

International Riddles (Australia)

Plane crash riddle: “There was a plane crash and every single person died. Who survived?”
- Answer: All the married people.
Hard rock group with four dudes, none play guitar?
- Answer: Mount Rushmore.
  - “Is this hard rock like geology?” (Adol, [70:58])
- Josh’s hint (“Does Richie Rich go into the eye of one of them?”) stumps everyone.
- Adol: “I don’t even know nothing about Rich G. Rich, like that’s not as big an appeal.” (JPC, [71:55])

5. Listener Voicemail

[73:16–74:14]

Bridget calls in after hearing a Patreon promo with her name.
Quick digression: guessing each other's and listeners' fathers’ names—“what’s your dad’s name,” with the suggestion for all listeners to comment with their dads’ names (which the crew immediately ridicules as a probable phishing scam).

Notable Quotes & Recurring Jokes

“But smokes a pipe. Stop telling us your search history.”
– JPC & Aaron, riffing on the literal and absurd mid-sentence [04:49, 04:56]
“That feels like one of the drawings my friend Joe would give me in, like, fourth grade to make me laugh.”
– JPC, [04:58]
“KyleXY is what you name the file on your desktop where you hide your porn.”
– JPC, [10:27]
“Everybody picture the scene I just described…”
(Setting up the new “audio dance break” tradition.) – Aaron, [17:23]
On “Chess the Musical”:
“They basically got flipped into a pair of pants.”
– Adol, [22:36]
On act-outs:
“That was some Danny Kaye shit, Adel.”
– Aaron, [21:01]
Cornfields as secrets:
“Because all those ears, they got ears of corn.”
– Adol, [48:14]
On riddles:
“Stop doing corn riddles.”
– Aaron, exasperated, [61:33]

Fun Timestamps / Highlights

04:43–04:49: The phrase "But smokes a pipe" emerges and instantly devolves into a repeated podcast meme.
15:51–18:02: Introduction of the new year’s “dance break” with lots of meta-joking about podcasting as performance.
21:14–23:55: The crew’s meta-riff on “Chess” the board game and “Chess” the musical.
27:53–32:34: Multi-layered violin shop act-out, including Adol miming a persistent and eccentric luthier.
47:33–50:17: Deep dive into Indiana-specific riddle humor and the architecture/design of corn mazes.
54:39–59:19: Old-timey riddle scene and making fun of the “industrial revolution.”
71:04–71:10: “Mount Rushmore” as the answer to a geology joke riddle.

General Tone & Structure

The episode is dense with improvisation, tongue-in-cheek callbacks, literal and lateral pun work, and the hosts’ trademark balance of sincerity and irony. “Hey Riddle Riddle” listeners will find the gang in mid-season form, happily derailing their own riddles and formats for the sake of committed bits and playful, self-aware humor.

Takeaways for New Listeners

Riddles are Optional: You do not need to love riddles to love this show—improv and banter reign.
In-Jokes Abound: Frequent callbacks and running jokes (even within a single episode).
Improv as Centerpiece: Most segments use riddles simply as a springboard for longer comedic scenes or tangents.
Vivid Imagination Required: As with the new “dance breaks,” listeners are invited to picture the action.
Recurring Surrealism: The show’s willingness to chase the most absurd angles possible is a defining and enduring strength.

Episode Structure (Key Sections & Timestamps)

[03:53–09:37] — 2026 Death Predictions, In Memoriam Tangents
[10:27–15:23] — File Naming and Porn Consumption Generations
[16:07–21:14] — Dance Breaks and New Year’s Resolutions Abandoned
[21:14–32:34] — First Batch of Riddles and Chess Musical Dissection
[47:02–62:03] — Regional Riddles (Indiana/Massachusetts/Australia), Cornfield Bits
[62:03–72:37] — Closing Riddles, Listener Voicemail, "What's Your Dad's Name?"

Final Thought and Running Gag

“What’s your dad’s name?”
The episode ends with a prompt for listeners to call or comment with their dads’ names—a bit that effortlessly lampoons both audience interactivity and the absurdity of podcast prompts.

Summary Compiled by Podcast Summarizer AI — for fans, new listeners, and anyone who wants all the laughs without (all) the tangents.