#402: Imagining a Dune Buggy w/ Janet Varney

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle #402: "Imagining a Dune Buggy" w/ Janet Varney

Release Date: April 1, 2026 | Host: Headgum
Guests: Janet Varney

---

Episode Overview

This episode of Hey Riddle Riddle brings in the ever-charming Janet Varney for a classically chaotic, riddle-tangential ride. Janet joins hosts Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan (JPC) to riff on reality TV (especially “Dance Moms”), language oddities, animal puns, and of course, some especially absurd scene work. If you came for riddles, don’t worry—you’ll find them, eventually, but be prepared for meandering detours into improv, pop culture, and animal facts.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Improv Warm-ups & Banter [[00:05–01:43]]

• The group derails quickly from a word association warm-up into their signature brand of comedic confusion.
• Standout moment: Disagreement about how to do the warm-up, dissolving into counting and word nonsense, setting a silly, playful tone.

---

2. Deep Dive: Reality TV & "Dance Moms" [[01:43–10:17]]

Erin Enthuses about “Dance Moms”

• Erin gives an impassioned summary of "Dance Moms", its competitive structure, and how it traumatized the kids featured on it.
• Quote:
  • “...these seven year old girls have to metabolize being ranked with cameras in front of their moms. And obviously they can't regulate their emotions in this and it's a fucking nightmare mess.” — Erin [[05:24]]

Iconic Reality TV Clip

• Erin describes (with help from the show's editor, Casey) an unforgettable moment where Abby Lee, startled while using her phone during a performance, reverses her wheelchair out of the studio and flees to a police station.
• Scene devolves into speculation about whether Erin watched "Dance Moms" or "Benny Hill" high. [[07:02–08:43]]

Janet's Past as a "Dance Youth"

• Janet reminisces about dancing at Hazel Boone Studio, where tap and classic dance reigned. Erin expresses lasting love for “So You Think You Can Dance.”

---

3. Naming Conventions: How Lazy Are We? [[10:48–13:37]]

• Adal poses the question: Is “wheelchair” the laziest-named object?
• Others chime in with examples: "butterfly," "raincoat," "sunglasses."
• Notable tangent on linguistic parallels, like in Spanish and French (“fauteuil roulant” for wheelchair).

---

4. Audience Choices: What Riddles to Do? [[13:47–14:48]]

• Janet is given choices: listener-submitted riddles or animal pun riddles, with Option C being more “Dance Moms” breakdowns.
• Erin and Janet joke about piggyback rides and question the etymology (“pick pack” origin revealed by Adal). [[14:49–16:34]]

---

5. Extended Animal Pun Riddles Segment (with Scenes and Tangents) [[18:29–68:56]]

Mechanics

• Riddles consist of animal puns fused into real–or almost real–words (e.g., “lemurage” = lemur + leverage).

Outstanding Riddles, Puns, and Scenes

• Lemurage (lemur + leverage): Leads to a zoo improv scene with out-of-place lemurs. [[19:00]]
• Chamomileon (chameleon + chamomile): Quick science tangent on reptile vs amphibian, plus salamander gerrymandering.
• Gnarlywall (narwhal + gnarly): Surfing, Point Break, and a Wally–Point Break robot skit.
• Labradoratory (Labrador + laboratory):
• Magnanimouse (magnanimous + mouse): “That one hurts” laments Janet. [[45:05]]
• Buffaloadown (buffalo + lowdown): “You're low down, thank god, you're low down.” Turns into a gossip-centered animal watering hole scene.
• Gooseifer (goose + Lucifer): Scene about animal hell and Mormon cosmology.
• Bipolar Bear: Prompts polar bear therapy scene with Janet playing Santa as a therapist. [[55:30]]
• Baboon-doggle (baboon + boondoggle): Janet's mind crosswires “dune buggy” and “boondoggle,” launches the episode’s eponymous phrase (“Imagining a dune buggy”).
• Sharkastic (shark + sarcastic): Erin does “crowd work” as a stand-up shark. [[67:03]]

Memorable tangents:

• Animal gestation trivia: Giraffes drop newborns from standing height, humans' helplessness discussed.
• Are Clydesdales exclusive to Budweiser? Can Mr. Clean appear in a Subway commercial? Mascot confusion abounds. [[59:16–60:37]]

---

6. Stand-Out Quotes

• “I would like to see a scene…” – The most repeated phrase, introducing improv gold every few minutes.
• “This is every sleepover: me, the only one who watched Dance Moms.” — Erin [[13:58]]
• “Horny for beans.” – JPC, channeling the Jolly Green Giant, in a run of mascot impressions. [[63:44]]
• "Did you see Point Break for something, or for fun?" — JPC to Janet
• "Probably for another podcast…so true of so much in the comedy podcast space." — Janet [[30:38]]

---

7. Final Segments: Plugs & Penguin Baseball [[68:58–72:53]]

• Janet plugs her podcast "E Pluribus Motto" (with John Hodgman), celebrating state symbols and slogans.
• Various upcoming projects: Adal mentions "Gumshoes and Dragons," Erin shouts out her LA show "Quality Time", and the return of “April of the Penguins" baseball episodes on Patreon.
• Listener review readout: “It's funny. I like it.” — Cyntwine

---

Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:43] – Dance Moms deep-dive
• [10:48] – Wheelchair (lazy naming) discussion
• [13:47] – Riddle format selection
• [18:29–68:56] – Animal pun riddle bonanza, improv scenes
  • [24:49] – Salamandering (politics + salamander filibuster scene)
  • [26:04] – Mr. Chameleon Bean sketch
  • [27:37] – Gnarly Wally (surfing Point Break robot)
  • [43:16] – Laboratory + Labrador mash-up
  • [45:03] – Magnanimouse pun debate
  • [47:08] – Buffaloadown (animal watering hole gossip scene)
  • [51:00] – Gooseifer (animal hell improv)
  • [55:47] – Bipolar bear (therapy with Santa)
  • [67:03] – Sharkastic (underwater comedy club)
• [68:58] – Plugs and outro

---

Notable Moments & Running Jokes

• The “Dance Moms” lore: Erin’s hilarious, detailed recaps of the show and the psychology of reality TV.
• Improv games: Scene prompts are rapid-fire, ranging from animal parliaments to mascot voice casting.
• Language tangents: Odd phrases (“piggyback”), duolingo, butterfly etymology, and more.
• Mascot Impressions: Santa, Tony the Tiger, Mr. Clean, and hypothetical spinoffs (Santa Eel).
• Generous animal facts: Unexpected animal science (e.g., “sharks are older than trees”).
• Callback to “Imagining a Dune Buggy”: The phrase comes from Janet's delightful mis-wiring during pun-solving.

---

Tone & Style

• Conversational, digressive, and irreverent — the hosts delight in following jokes and improv scenes far from the source riddles.
• Improv-forward — every riddle inspires a scene, with guests and hosts creating on their feet.
• Playfully competitive — everyone celebrates or groans at each solved (or unsolvable) pun.
• Language nerds at play — etymology, wordplay, and translation jokes abound.

---

For New Listeners

While riddles are promised, you’ll get just as much improv, pop-culture mocking, and linguistics as puzzle-solving. The animal-pun riddles are accessible for all, and Janet Varney’s guest spot brings warmth and additional wit. If you’re new: expect silliness, scenes, and friends finding new ways to riff.

---

Overall

A quintessential Hey Riddle Riddle episode: barely about riddles, heavy on improv, language quirks, and wild animal energy—with Janet Varney fitting seamlessly into the chaos. Highly recommended for fans of wordplay, improv, and tangential journeys that (almost) always circle back to a pun.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgum podcast.

[B]

That's like the best warmup in improv.

[C]

That's the best warmup in improv.

[B]

Yeah, let's do it. But instead of doing numbers, let's just do random words association based on what the person right before you said and see if we could come up and put make a theme.

[C]

Okay, so Adel, you're still counting us in with numbers.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

But then as soon as you're done counting us in, it's all words. Okay?

[D]

Okay. Six, seven, eight. One, two.

[C]

No, no, no. I thought you were doing words. You guys are supposed to do words.

[A]

I know, but it's funnier.

[B]

Oh, oh, you didn't do the word.

[A]

That's exactly what I did.

[D]

I said wan.

[C]

What's the connection between wan and mine?

[A]

Was t o I was picturing what's

[D]

the connection to Won Fu.

[B]

Thanks. 4 Zip everything.

[D]

2 Wan Fu. 2 Won 4. 3 for everything.

[A]

That went great.

[C]

Oh, well, I feel pretty adequately warmed up. Should we use that as the cold open for the episode?

[A]

God, no.

[B]

Doctor was the muscle.

[C]

He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cannon of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice away. And the horses leave. Alrighty,

[A]

Guys, I have a sneeze stuck in my face. It's so stuck now that I said it. Now maybe it's gone.

[D]

Okay, do you have flyers? Oh, okay.

[A]

Do I have pliers?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Let me grab suppliers in a vacuum and I'll be back in 40 minutes.

[C]

Just start tinkering, Aaron. Oh, well. And welcome to Heyward Avertile, the podcast. This is. I'm jpc.

[A]

I'm Erin. That's Janet, our fourth host. And that's Adol, our first host.

[D]

Hi.

[B]

Waving. Not saying anything but waving.

[C]

I think we gotta cut the numbering thing out of it completely.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

That's Janet. A host. That's Adol, a host.

[A]

Well, I feel more comfortable. Did you guys ever watch Dance Moms?

[B]

Heard of never watched?

[D]

Is that where Honey Boo Boo is from?

[A]

No, but, Adel, your associations are right on the money. She's from Toddlers and Tiaras. It's basically the same thing.

[C]

Is there a rapper from Dance Moms?

[A]

Is there a rapper? Oh, JoJo Siwa is from Dance Moms. I feel like I'm talking to my parents. You guys are just have some associations from this world.

[D]

Now, Aaron, I will say I have no context for who JoJo Siwa is, but anytime a video of her dancing in front of paparazzi comes up in my feed, I will make time to watch it.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Because it is unbelievable.

[A]

Anytime that crosses your desk, you're like, well, this is about to be insane. A thing happened on Dance Moms. Well, the concept of Dance Moms is. It's this dance studio in like Philadelphia or whatever. There's this woman named Abby Lee Miller who was a lunatic who ran this dance studio. And then it was all the dance moms and their kids who went to this dance studio. Cause they wanted their kids to be like stars.

[D]

The dance mom was like a stage stage mom.

[A]

Yeah, like a crazy stage mom. And so it was a lot of it. It felt like Real Housewives, but meets like a show where kids are dancing and the kids are the chess piece pawns that they're playing with. It's awful.

[C]

The kids that are dancing, are they in competition? Are they doing like. And that's big competition like to do. Is it like solo dance?

[A]

Solo dance, group dance, duo dances? Sometimes the girls won't get a solos because the dance teacher's mad at their mom. So they'll cut the solo because it got self contained.

[B]

Like, are they competing outside with the

[A]

real world or is everything outside with the real world? And they have to use songs that the show can afford. And they're doing way more competitions than they ordinarily would. So these girls are getting like six hours to learn these dances. Being thrown in the most offensive costumes you've ever seen doing these dance competitions.

[C]

These are like pageants. Right?

[A]

Like, they're like. I don't know if you've ever.

[C]

They're skilled based though.

[A]

Like these little girls are incredible dancers. And I think some of them are still professional dancers. Like they are very, very talented. Oh, the girl from like the SIA music videos. Do you remember Chandelier? She's one of the moms from. Or she's one of the moms. She's one of the girls from Dance Mom. She's not one of those.

[B]

You just gave that mom the wish of her dreams.

[C]

That SIA video adult to blow your mind 40 years ago. So she's a grandma now.

[A]

So a big part of the show Dance Moms that I think stayed in the zeitgeist is they would do a pyramid every week where Abby Lee Miller would rank how she felt about the girls. And it was a tiered system.

[B]

No, but it wasn't a literal pyramid. Because there is a scenario in which dance kids are also purely tired.

[A]

This pyramid is. It's a mirror. It's the dance studio mirror. And she's put all of their Headshots up.

[B]

Oh, I hate this so much.

[A]

With a piece of paper over all of them and then she'll be like at the bottom of the pyramid. Chloe, Chloe, your mom was acting like a real bitch this week and you slipped during your cartwheel. I know you can do better and that's why you're at the bottom. Next up, Nia. Nia, you got cut from the group dance. And so all these like, these seven year old girls have to metabolize being ranked with cameras in front of their moms. And obviously they can't regulate their emotions in this and it's a fucking nightmare mess.

[D]

Do the moms ever fire back of

[A]

like they have, you know those, like.

[C]

No, they took on the chin.

[A]

You know those watchroom battle where people can watch surgeries?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, they have one of those. But for the dance moms. So the moms stay for the whole rehearsals and if they get so fired up, they storm down the stairs and they go in and Abby's like, get the hell out of my studio.

[D]

No, it's like in the nick.

[A]

Yes. And then she's like, you can't talk to Paige like that. You can't talk to my daughter like that.

[B]

Well, we'll leave.

[A]

And she's like, great, leave. But what am I talking about? I'm getting really passionate about this.

[C]

Is this show on the air anymore, Aaron? Is it gone?

[A]

Is it longer? No, it would never fly today.

[C]

It's in the Hague.

[A]

Yes. And then also there's this woman who's even crazier than Abby Lee. She's from Candy Apple Dance Studios. Candy Apple Dance Studios. Her daughter hates to dance. And it's this Shakespearean thing where this woman is a lunatic. She makes her poor daughter dance.

[D]

Her daughter hates to dance.

[B]

I would not watch the show, but watch you describe each episode to me in person.

[A]

Would love. I will start a YouTube channel. That is me. You could see me openly smoking weed and drinking a milkshake, going like, here's the deal. One of my favorite reality TV clips of all time is from dance moms that I will send to you guys right now. And it is Abby Lee, the crazy dance teacher is on her cell phone during one of the girls solos and a mom comes up and whispers in her ear like, you're such a hypocrite being on your phone. You always tell us not to. And it startles Abby so much that she like gasps. And she's in a wheelchair at the time and she. And she reverses out of the wheelchair, out of the building and then starts, like, peeving. She starts speeding away from the cameras on her wheelchair. They're chasing her down the street.

[D]

Aaron, not an accusation. Not an accusation. Are you sure you didn't get high and start watching Benny Hill?

[A]

I think I might be watching Benny Hill. I think I got high and watched Benny Hill. And they're chasing her, and she goes to the police station, and she says she.

[D]

This escalated.

[C]

This is a clip.

[A]

Yeah, it's a clip of her going like. And, Casey, you can put that here.

[C]

No, I don't think we can. Legally, I don't think. But legally, Aaron, I don't think.

[A]

Well, Casey, we'll put a descript. You'll watch the clip, Casey, and then you can describe it. So here's Casey describing the clip.

[C]

You just did that.

[A]

No, I want.

[C]

You just did.

[A]

I.

[B]

This is.

[D]

Hey, folks, it's your editor, Casey here. I watched the clip, and it's pretty much exactly as Aaron described it. So there you go.

[A]

It is so funny that she immediately, like anytime. Like, anytime I get slightly startled, I want to zoom to the police station and she's someone else.

[B]

Okay. She's in a wheelchair at the time. Now.

[A]

Now painting a picture.

[C]

Great qualifier, Aaron.

[D]

You seem to be absolutely smitten with reality dance shows. Did you. Were you a dance youth?

[A]

I was a dance youth.

[D]

Ooh.

[A]

I danced at a studio called Hazel Boone in Massachusetts.

[D]

Now, what were these songs that you.

[B]

Was the person's name Hazel Boone?

[A]

The original. The woman who made the studio's name was Hazel Boone. And then it was passed from daughter to daughter, and she was like a Rockette. So it was like a really tap dance, forward dance studio, which is why. Yes, exactly.

[D]

Backflip off the piano.

[A]

Tap dancing. Slips of the tap dancing.

[B]

Unfortunately, they couldn't use that song in the show, so they had to use Row, Row, Row youw Boat instead, because row.

[C]

I will again be tap dancing to Happy Birthday, but I loved so youo

[A]

Think youk Can Dance growing up. I still will go on YouTube and watch some of my favorite dances from that from time to time.

[D]

That janitor dance, Top notch.

[A]

Maybe I'll make a little list of them for the newsletter. Anyway, Janet, thank you so much for being here today. I'm sorry I've spent all of our time with you describing dance moms.

[B]

Oh, you startled me so much by putting the attention on me that I'm backing away in my wheelchair.

[A]

No, Teddy, please. The cameras can't keep up with you.

[B]

Well, you're not out of breath. I'M in a wheelchair.

[C]

Janet, we have a decision to make. We've come to a point in the show where we have a decision to make.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Now that decision is not whether or not we start doing riddles. That's out of our hands. We're gonna do that. That's going to happen.

[B]

What if it's gonna put a riddle in a pyramid at the end and reveal which riddle disappointed us most? I hope.

[D]

I wanted to bring up a topic.

[C]

Oh, okay. Well, Janet, I got good news. We're not going to start doing riddles right now. We might do it a little bit later. Adol. Let's do Adol's topic segment. Let's see. Do I have a.

[D]

And now here's Adol with the thing he wants to do.

[C]

Ah, there we go.

[D]

Thanks, Paul F. Tompkins.

[A]

That's awesome.

[D]

Wild that he popped in just to give that one line. Now he's just hanging out on the zoom here. Paul, you can. Okay, yeah, just hang out. I want to bring up. Is wheelchair the laziest named item in the world?

[A]

This is a fantastic discussion at all.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, it's pretty literal, right?

[D]

There's gotta be.

[C]

There it is exactly what it is. Yeah. It feels like. Do you know how, like in, like in foreign languages. The only reason I know this is like, I remember in Spanish class in high school, we were like, computer. What's computer? In Spanish? And they're like, computer. Like, everybody got computer at the same time. So we all just agreed on the word computer, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It feels like one of those translations where it's just like, yeah, wheelchair. It's that. It's just that.

[B]

Yeah. I was just trying to think because I'm doing my duolingo in French and I was just. I remember that wheelchair came up fairly recently and I think it's like fauteuil roulant, which is really just. Yeah. Like a rolling chair.

[A]

Yeah, there are. I can. I keep thinking of examples where I think they just did a really bad job naming the thing. Like, butterfly is not lazily named. It's just wrong on all accounts.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

What's going on with that?

[B]

Why is it called a butterfly?

[C]

Probably it's always Charles Butter. You, like, look it up and you're

[D]

like, okay, Charles Butter spreads its wings.

[C]

Saw the first one.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

Raincoat's pretty lazy. Sunglasses are pretty lazy.

[B]

Well, what would you like sunglasses to be called if not sunglasses?

[C]

Log. Flume.

[A]

Log flume.

[D]

Oh, yes. Or a wheelchair.

[A]

Butterfly.

[B]

I was gonna say. That's what I would have Named Butterfly.

[D]

Okay. Oh, please, no.

[C]

Is your segment done?

[D]

My segment's done.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And that was adol with something that he said.

[D]

Thanks, Wall of Thumpkins.

[C]

The other one that I always forget that I have is I always.

[B]

I have the wish I was in

[C]

this so I could. I can't really use it when Janet's here, but I forget that I could use that in other contexts. So maybe one day it'll make an appearance. Okay, Janet, back to your very important choice. Would you like for us to do on the show today some listener submitted riddles or that are just. I mean themeless. They're just listener submitted riddles or would you rather do the continuation of some animal pun raid riddles that are based on crafting animal puns or.

[B]

I'm suspecting you.

[A]

Bonus. Third choice. We spend the rest of this episode with me describing various episodes of Dance Moms.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, that's always our third choice. That's always available. That's like the.

[A]

It's always available.

[B]

It's just sitting out there. It's sitting out there.

[A]

It's like the sweater. But it's just me trying to remember all the names of the moms.

[C]

On Dance Moms, we do an impromptu review crew where Aaron is the only one who has watched Dance Moms and It was probably 12 years ago.

[B]

I've been.

[A]

Sounds like me at every sleepover.

[B]

Clearly. Very into it. Very into it. I'm starting to suspect you might be old man Puzzles.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Hard to put my finger on what's giving me that impression.

[C]

The deduction wheels are already turning for Jan, so she's got a head start at the rental answering department here.

[D]

Ye.

[A]

I don't know. What do you think she's gonna pick? Should we make a bet?

[B]

Does it have to be one or the other? We can't like do the first half is and then the second half is the other one. Aaron, if I know Jen, is that burning through two episodes?

[C]

Let me think.

[D]

Jim, that's a good pun.

[A]

I don't know. Bitch. I did not say that.

[C]

Aaron, come on.

[B]

I hate her for sure. No, you didn't say that.

[A]

Okay, that's time at this sister Aaron.

[C]

Keith. No, you know what? We can absolutely piggyback and forth. I think that that's a great call. Why don't we start with some animal podcast?

[A]

Piggy back and forth.

[B]

Sounds like a. I can afford it. Also, how piggyback do we see? Is that a pig sex thing? I'm just realizing right now, since we're talking about why things Are named what they are. When you say I'm gonna piggy, like you're giving someone a piggyback ride. When have we ever seen a pig riding on another pig? Unless it's sensual?

[C]

I think a piggyback is a shot of Jameson and a shot of bacon.

[B]

I believe that's where the original term came from.

[D]

That's where pickleback came from. And then we dropped the what's another.

[C]

What's a Nickelback song that I could do a pickle joke with? And it doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter.

[D]

Look at this photograph.

[C]

That's Nickelback, right? Yeah. I always get them in creed confused.

[D]

Arms wide open.

[C]

So you guys. Yeah, you guys might remember these animal pun raid riddles. They were submitted By Ted with two Ds and the way that they go. And this is an example that we have used before. But it's, I would say, like, this mammal thinks that getting its fur trimmed will stop people from thinking it's a rabbit. And that is a haircut. Haircut. So it's going to get you to, like a. It's going to get you to a word, and that word is going to have the animal's name in it and the action that the sentence is describing in it.

[A]

Okay, jpc, I'm so sorry to interrupt you right before you're about to launch off into riddlespace.

[C]

Say, launch off.

[A]

I don't know. I heard the countdown and that you were about to launch into a riddle. Piggyback originated in the 16th century from the phrase pick pack or pick a pack, which meant carrying something on your back and shoulders. By the 19th century, it's one of those things that people shortened so much that it became colloquially known as a piggyback.

[B]

That's interesting.

[D]

Like an open sesame situation.

[B]

Yes, interesting. Yeah. So it really is just a totally different. Just completely different words.

[A]

It's because of all the mumblers. All the mumblers before me. I'm from a great line of mumblers. And we have ruined the English language.

[C]

Is there a fairy tale where someone. Or like a myth or something like that, where someone, like, carries a pig on their back to market or something like that? Isn't that some. I have a very clear mental image of that from, like, a children's fairy tale book.

[A]

Are you thinking about this little piggy went to market?

[B]

Are you thinking about your toes?

[A]

Are you thinking about your toes?

[C]

I think I looked at the Kama Sutra and I saw someone with their toes behind their back. And I thought, oh, yes,

[D]

now, we are gonna get to these riddles, but is there something in dancing with the dogs, Aaron? It's like dancing with the dogs. People paired with dogs, and they have to learn to dance with the dog.

[A]

I will watch it every week. Watch.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I will watch it every week.

[B]

Any dance.

[A]

Reality TV show I'm in.

[B]

I dance with my dog a lot. I already dance with my own dog. We could be compet.

[C]

Here's the thing. I know the ethics of some of this stuff is kind of out the window, but is it ethical to dance with your dog for a TV show? Cause you have to.

[A]

Yeah. With those, like, dog show, like.

[C]

I guess so.

[A]

Where they do that. The obstacle.

[C]

And those are fine. We've all agreed that those are fine. Right?

[A]

The enchanted pig is a Romanian fairy tale. And a prince takes the form of a pig.

[B]

I doubt that's what I'm thinking of,

[C]

but maybe prince takes a form of a pig. Why does he do that?

[D]

That's the most backhanded compliment I've ever heard someone called what an enchanted pig.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

He takes the form of a pig.

[C]

Okay, while Aaron is.

[B]

I'm on it.

[C]

Well, Aaron is looking that up here. Romancing the pig. Where we'll start. We'll start with these animal pun raids from Ted. These mammals took full advantage of their position as the only primates on Madagascar.

[D]

Le mer.

[C]

Lee.

[D]

Birders.

[B]

Ooh.

[C]

Took full advantage of their position.

[D]

Leveragemer.

[C]

Lemur.

[B]

Court. Advantage.

[C]

No.

[D]

Lemurge.

[C]

Adol. You have it. You have it.

[D]

Leverage. Lemur. Lemurage.

[C]

Lemuridge. And lemuridge.

[D]

That can't be right.

[A]

That can't be right.

[B]

Does it form a real word or so?

[C]

The word is leverage, which was an adult got and lemur, and it forms the word lemurage. So it doesn't form a real word. It's a like a pun on. I don't know. It's not. Yeah.

[A]

I would like to see a scene.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Janet and Adol, you are two lemurs that have been brought to a zoo here in America.

[C]

And.

[A]

And you really were. You were in Madagascar, and you were sort of the king of the castle. And it's your first day of school, and you're kind of meeting the other animals and you realize that you might not have the lemuriage that you had before. And jpc. You can play whatever animal you want.

[C]

Got it.

[D]

Oh, I don't know. This looks pretty weird. This doesn't seem like a fun little parade.

[B]

I gotta tell you something. This is everybody's eyes here. Are a lot less wide and scared looking than ours.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm afraid we're going to be made fun of. I really hope that's not the case.

[D]

Yeah. Let's blend in. Let's blend. Oh, here comes someone. Blend in. Blend in. Hey, Cheeseburger.

[B]

Hey, my regular friend. I see Corvettes.

[D]

Chocolate.

[C]

Are you talking radishes? Are you talking to me?

[D]

Pepsi Cola, buddy. You're in my tree.

[C]

I was gonna eat the leaves out of this tree. You're in my tree.

[A]

Oh, this tree?

[D]

This tree here?

[B]

I didn't realize this was a tree. I thought this was a bank.

[C]

Huh?

[B]

Like you guys go to.

[C]

Are you two new?

[A]

Huh?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Guy, don't.

[D]

Don't tell anybody. This is our first day here in America.

[C]

Oh, okay. Hey. Okay, well, hey. I was actually. I was born in captivity, so I can kind of give you the lay of the land if you want. So you guys are monkeys?

[D]

Lemurs.

[C]

Lemurs. Lemurs. Okay, cool.

[B]

That happens to us party monkeys kind of a lot.

[C]

Party monkeys. Yeah. Well, you're in a giraffe enclosure, so first of all, you're in the wrong place. Typically, what I suggest for new people is.

[A]

Oof. These giraffes look sick. Sick. What is wrong with those giraffes? Yeah.

[B]

Need Pepsi Cola, America.

[C]

Don't. Hey, hey, hey, man. Don't get them throwing Pepsi Cola in here, okay? I just got down to my ideal giraffe weight. If you fuck this up.

[A]

See. Oh, my God.

[C]

I saw a video the other day of a giraffe being born. It. Because they're so tall, right? Like, that's the whole thing with giraffes. And it's like any animal.

[A]

Wait, why did you see this?

[C]

I was at the zoo and they had like, a video of a giraffe being bored in the giraffe in the lounge.

[D]

Here's my giant. Previously on Zoo.

[C]

But they were. The giraffe, when it gets bored, it just. It just falls. It's just like falls out of the other.

[B]

It slomps out and within three hours. And then it's like an adult giraffe that can run around and play cards and stuff.

[C]

It's running like five minutes later. But it is so funny because it's like, it doesn't. It don't land. Well, they're fine. Like, that's. They were designed. And their gestational period is like a year and a half. It's. It's. It's pretty long. But it is so funny to just watch something get bored it just fall down and splat, like, hit the ground and be like, well, it's my kid. All angles.

[A]

Why are humans so helpless when we're born?

[B]

I guess because we can be.

[C]

It's because of our big brains. Our big brains take, like, most of the development time. And most animals don't need brains as big as humans. They can develop, like, muscles and stuff like that, where we spend all of our time developing brains.

[A]

Huh. Not me, though. I don't know what I was doing.

[C]

If human hips were wider, we could gestate longer. Like elephants gestate for, like, two years and giraffes for a long time as well.

[A]

But why aren't our hips wider?

[C]

Hey, Aaron, you're preaching to the goddamn choir. You know what I'm saying? Okay, all right.

[A]

I'll take my answer off of it.

[C]

You know what I'm saying? No, I have no idea. Blame God. I don't.

[A]

I always do.

[C]

Here's the next one. This reptile can hide its body by changing colors, but not its love for sleepy herbal tea.

[B]

Oh, wait, a reptile chamomileon. I am unfortunately getting way too deep into the science of this because I had to stop short and go, isn't it an amphibian or maybe a chameleon, I guess chameleon's a reptile. I'm an idiot.

[C]

You know what?

[A]

You needed to cook your brain longer.

[B]

I needed to cook my brain longer.

[C]

If you give me most animals and say 50, 50 between reptile and amphibian, I'm getting 50% of that test right? Every time, baby. I'm in the same boat.

[B]

Salamander.

[D]

Salamander for sure. Amphibious. I think the best way to remember is, can it be in water?

[A]

Welcome back to amphibian.

[B]

Wait, Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted. I'm going to add a quick, spontaneous one. This. And this is going to be really hard for you guys to guess. This member of politics is taking advantage of its ability to. To keep something from being discussed or passed while in a session.

[D]

Sala gerrymander.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, my understanding is you could just say salamandering, and that's just the squashing of two things together.

[C]

Salamandering.

[B]

And I've done.

[A]

Did I do it, Ted? Well, I would like to see a scene. Gpc. We will have you be salamandering.

[C]

We? We the people.

[A]

Yeah, we the people. We're gonna see you do that. And you're very passionate. And Adel, you are sort of the speaker, and you're trying to get him to knock it off so we can continue with other animal business.

[C]

And when you cut us, do we not bleed? When it gets cold, do we not fall out of trees?

[D]

I'd like to reclaim my time.

[C]

When our tail gets cut off, do we grow another tail?

[D]

Can I get another minute back on the clock? I would like to reclaim my time.

[A]

It sounds like he's asking what he is.

[C]

Are our tongues not really?

[D]

Quick.

[C]

Do we not eat a bug if we see a bug?

[D]

Can someone stop that trumpeting?

[A]

It's a trumpeter swan. They're allowed to do this.

[D]

I would like to reclaim my time.

[C]

Scene.

[A]

No, you're never getting that time back.

[D]

Aaron, I would like to see a scene.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Oh.

[D]

Five to ten seconds of you being Mr. Chameleon Bean. So it's Mr. Bean as a chameleon.

[A]

It's going to be completely silent.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ready? It's just for the three of you or Casey as well. See, it was just scene.

[D]

I feel like he throws in a lot of like.

[A]

Yeah, I wanted to do one of his little.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

The Toyota. The Toyota.

[B]

He does make Yoda sounds, though. It is out.

[D]

There is no Beanie.

[A]

Okay, Adel, I want that on my desk by Monday morning. I hope you didn't have plans this weekend.

[D]

You can have it on your desk now.

[C]

You can keep it. You can keep this original. I don't want it.

[A]

No, I don't want it. You take it.

[D]

Nope.

[C]

This is. Despite having a long, awkward horn, this small whale can still perform some sick surfing tricks.

[A]

Gnarlywill. Gnarlywall.

[B]

Gnarlywall.

[C]

It's gnarlywall. It is gnarly. Who got there first? Was that you, Janet?

[B]

I said it, but I said gnarly whale. So I'm disqualified.

[D]

I would like to see a scene

[C]

that is a disqualification.

[B]

Yes, I understand,

[D]

Aaron, you are gnarly Wally. So you're like Wally the Robot, but you're like a surface. You've only watched, like, Point Break. You know how Wally just watched, like, classic movies? Well, this gnarly Wally watched Point Break.

[A]

I'm fucking dying adult. My brain's moving so slow today that I literally, from my computer, saw the scene concept coming at me, and it was like, bloop, bloop.

[D]

And, Janet, you are. You're interacting with this robot you just found in the dump, which is Aaron's Urba. Wow.

[B]

This thing is in pretty good condition. What happens if I. Mr. Bean, What are you.

[A]

Surf. Surfs up. What? Surfed up.

[B]

Surfs up. Why do you sound so Frail. Maybe if I just dust you off a little bit. And Leia, cough out some of those banana peels. Some of those dump banana peels.

[A]

Bring me to the water. I wanna shred. One more time.

[B]

Oh, we are in Iowa, my friend. I don't know how you got all the way to this dump. Not Iowa. I'm saying we're in a dump. I'm saying Patrick Swayze.

[A]

I'm not saying Patrick.

[B]

Oh, we could watch Dirty Dancing. I could take you back to my place and we could watch Dirty Dance.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, you seem real needy. I'm gonna go ahead and just accidentally kick you over and put some more trash on you.

[A]

Tracy, one of them's a cop. What's Point Break about? They're serfic cops.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah. I think Keanu Reeves is an undercover.

[A]

What do you mean, shrug? Jpc. Show me.

[B]

Actually, oh, wait, I forgot. I'm here with jbc.

[D]

Jpc. You're like a Jeff Garland type, like

[A]

in Wally Nixon mask. And then someone, they shoot up a bank.

[B]

Starting to feel like, oh, yes.

[A]

You're either clairvoyant or skydive. And then what happens? Do they shoot someone from the. Oh, they shoot at the plane.

[D]

We cut to three weeks later. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to Ames, Iowa Community Theater. Please.

[C]

Place is a dump.

[D]

Please get out. Get out. Sir, please give a round of applause for.

[C]

No, we're doing it in a dump, right?

[D]

Yes, it is in the dump. Please give a round of applause for these robots who are putting on a production of Point Break.

[A]

Woo. Stick em up. This is a bank robbery at the beginning of the movie Point Break. I am not a crook. What is this movie about?

[C]

Johnny Utah. I don't know how to quit you.

[D]

Jotty5 is alive on stage.

[C]

Seed.

[B]

Let's see.

[C]

Aaron, have you seen Point Break?

[A]

Yeah, like a million years ago.

[B]

Let's see.

[A]

Former Ohio State quarterback and rookie FBI agent Johnny Utah.

[D]

Yep, the best name.

[A]

That's Johnny Utah. Maybe the best name of his president. Oh, I see. I see.

[C]

Janet, what caused you to want to. Or I shouldn't say want, what caused you to watch Point Break?

[B]

I feel like it was for something, which is so true of so much in the comedy podcast space. I think I needed to watch it, to have seen it, to discuss it on something.

[A]

Jpc. I did remember this, right? It's like undercover cops infiltrating the surfer community.

[C]

And then specifically Johnny Utah.

[A]

Yeah, but that's. Yeah, but that's what I guessed.

[D]

And there's also skydiving.

[C]

I want to say, well, yes, they are skydiving, because they're thrill junkies.

[B]

Yeah, they're thrill junkies.

[D]

Or Nick Nolte, one of those guys.

[B]

The. Wait, who?

[D]

Either Gary Busey or Nick Nolte is in.

[A]

Can we watch it for review crew? And Janet, you come back.

[B]

With pleasure.

[A]

Thank you, Janet.

[C]

Let's watch. Cause they remade it as well, and it's not as good, but let's watch Point Break, and we won't tell each other which one we're watching. And then we'll just try to compare notes.

[A]

Great. Love.

[C]

Is it? Is it? There was someone in Point Break? Is Joey Pants in Point Break?

[B]

That sounds right.

[A]

Who's in Pants?

[B]

Joey Pantoliano. Come on, Joey. I'm sorry.

[C]

Joey Pantoliano.

[D]

Joey Pantoliano.

[C]

I know his name is Joey Pantoliano. Does he call himself Joey Pants? Because I've only ever heard of him as Joey Pants.

[B]

I think he might. Yeah, I think he leaned into that. He might have started it.

[C]

I could be misremembering this, but I thought that Joey Pants gave himself a bigger role in that movie than he should have had.

[D]

You're right. He was supposed to. There was some movie he was in where he famously. This is a story I've heard many times, and I can't remember all of it, but he was in a movie where he was supposed to die. And in the scene, he gets shot and he starts screaming and screaming and screaming instead of dying. And they yell, cut. And he's still screaming. And then the director's like, what are you doing? And he goes, just in case you want to bring me back.

[C]

Yeah, maybe it's the Fugitive or something. Oh, you know what? I think it's the Fugitive. I don't think he's in Point Break.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Melissa has two daughters. It's Maddie and Kenzie, and they're both dancers. And then Christy is blonde, and her daughter is Chloe. And then Holly, who's a elementary school

[C]

principal, in case you just fade this one ever.

[A]

Cause this is how we got a break.

[C]

This is how we get a break.

[A]

So just fade it also has two girl broken page. And then I think it's Kathy, who's from Candy Apples, who's nuts.

[C]

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Ho hum. Boohoo. Whoa.

[D]

Is me.

[A]

What's going on? Mr. Needs attention. I love it.

[C]

Well, I do need attention, and I'm not getting enough of it. So I thought I would kind of build myself a website so that people could Give me the attention that I deserve. But I don't know how to build a website.

[D]

Oh, mama. Tell me you're using Squarespace, the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

[C]

Oh yeah, that's Squarespace. Doesn't Squarespace give you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place? From consultations to events and experiences showcasing your offerings with customizable web designed to attract clients and grow your business. Can't you get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments? Plus streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools on Squarespace?

[A]

Yes, jpc. Big time. Also, Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Great way to get attention, upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

[C]

Okay, guys, I just made a new website. It's lookpc247.com where you can look at me every day, all day online.

[D]

It seems to be like a zoo camera for kangaroos.

[A]

Except for kangaroos. It's jpc.

[C]

Man, I'm beautiful, aren't I? Look at my pouch. Look at my joey.

[A]

You have a pouch.

[D]

I'm a joey.

[C]

Well, if you want a pouch and a joey. Head to

[D]

head.

[A]

Keep this.

[C]

Leave it in. Leave it in.

[A]

Keep it. Leave it in.

[C]

Head to squarespace.com riddle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Squarespace does not endorse you having a pouch or a joey.

[D]

Wait, guys, are we kangaroos?

[A]

I almost said ribbit and I wasn't even kidding. That's not what I mean. That is not what I mean. I'm going back to bed.

[B]

Good.

[D]

Hey, Aaron. Hey, jpc. Can you guys help me figure something out?

[C]

Oh, sure.

[A]

Always.

[D]

I have this charge. I pull up my bank account here. I have this charge that says JPC tax $5,000. It's like a monthly deduction.

[A]

Oh, I. Yes. No, no. I go to your Rocket Money app and have them cancel that for you.

[D]

Thank God.

[A]

We signed up for the free trial like three months ago and then we forgot about it. And I noticed it. I got like a ping from Rocket Money in my email and they let me know that I had been paying for.

[C]

Lost another one to Rocket Money. Oh, man. Yeah. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and Cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Unless you're me with the GPC tax and then your savings are dwindling. With Rocket Money, you can do automatic transaction categorization across your accounts, plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns and add context. Also, if you have like a big event coming up, like something that, like a wedding or some monumental expense, it helps you plan and save for something like that.

[A]

The app consolidates checking, savings, loans and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. I've been using Rocket Money for years and years, way before they were ever a sponsor. And I love how easy it is to read and how intuitive it is.

[D]

Yeah, I love Rocket Money, but Aaron, I do hate that voice. Was that jpc? It sounded like a Rumpelstiltskin type voice. Did you hear that?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No. So that's just like. That's a voice alert I have on my phone every time someone unsubscribes to the JPC tax. I don't know where it's from or how to turn it off.

[A]

Oh, that's kind of scary. We'll deal with that later.

[D]

Yeah, well, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] Riddle that's RocketMoney.com Riddle RocketMoney.com Riddle

[C]

lost another one to Rocket Money.

[A]

Yeah, that's not even coming from your phone.

[C]

Yeah. Is that coming from inside of our heads?

[D]

Maybe.

[C]

Yeah, like heaven maybe.

[A]

Yoix Blake's JPC it's that time of the year where all of my goals have kind of gone out the window because I am busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. And it is hard to figure out when to cook and when to go grocery shopping and meal planning. I'm exhausted.

[C]

Aaron, my friend, you look it. But have I told you about Tempo? Tempo delivers fresh, chef crafted dietitian proof meals right to your door. Plus, each meal is perfectly portioned for lunch or dinner and ready in just two minutes. That means real food, real fast without the sad desk lunch or drive through regret. Adel, I know you love Tempo.

[D]

Oh yes. I don't often. I love the word scrumptious. I don't get to use it often. These options are scrumptious and healthy. I've been enjoying the five spice glazed chicken thighs, the chili shrimp rice bowl, and one of my favorites, the picante carnitas pork rice bowl. Nom nom, nom, nom, nom nom and

[A]

no Matter what your goals, there's a Tempo meal for you. Protein packed meals with up to 30 grams of protein, calorie conscious and even GLP1 balanced meals. It's convenient but also flexible enough to fit the way you want to eat. I look it. I look tired.

[C]

Look Aaron, for a limited time and that might be all you have, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to Tempo meals.com riddle that's tempomeals.com riddle R I D D L E for 60% off your first box tempomeals.com riddle Rules and restrictions may apply.

[A]

I look it, I look it, I look it.

[D]

I mean you're standing in front of a mirror.

[A]

I look it.

[C]

They do exist. Hey Adel. Aaron, I am freaking out. Okay, So I just got an email from. Do you guys know Casey, the editor of the show or whatever?

[A]

Oh yeah, Sleepo.

[C]

Yeah, Sleepo. Oh my God.

[D]

Thanks.

[C]

So you know, I got an email from him that says he hasn't been paid in seven years. And yeah, I'm kind of wondering and I know that I'm in charge of all that but like between like expenses and like income and what's going on with the business, it just like, it's just too much for me, you know?

[D]

Well, let's, let's make it easy. Let's just use Found. Found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all. Paying Sleepo, dealing with Found Dracula, who's sort of a Dracula that uses found Banking, bookkeeping, et cetera. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky, outdated apps.

[A]

Found identified the tasks that create the most hassle for small businesses. Things like categorizing expenses, preparing for taxes, managing invoices, budgeting, waking up Sleepo. And they built an app that does it all directly from your business checking account.

[C]

Found is reimagining what business banking should be by putting your bookkeeping, invoicing and tax tools directly into your business checking account. Plus they have this vampire named Found Dracula and that guy, he knows what he's doing.

[D]

No, guys, we don't have to, we don't have to keep talking about him.

[C]

Found makes it easy to regain control of your business finances so you can get back to doing what you love. I personally, now that I'm using Found, my life is so much easier. I don't have to juggle multiple apps. I don't have to go chasing receipts. I don't dread tax season anymore. I have a Dracula that will suck the blood. I want to say out of an editor who is asking to be paid.

[A]

You want to say?

[C]

I want to say.

[D]

So take back control of your business today. Open a Found account for [e-mail]. that's f o u n d dot com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by lead bank member fdic. Join the hundreds of thousands who've already streamlined their finances with Found. You're getting sleep.

[C]

Oh, okay. Guys, I'm getting an email from the brand. They say they never authorized Found Dracula.

[D]

Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'm not official. I'm just a Dracula who uses Found.

[C]

I could swear that they wanted us to use.

[A]

You could have sworn that they were desperate for us to do this.

[D]

I'm from Bank Transfer. I'm from Bank Transylvania. I'm from Milwaukee.

[B]

Candy Apples is just the most perfect name for a dance studio of a nuts person.

[C]

Yeah. If I walked into a place called Candy Apples Dance Studio and it wasn't just like a man sitting on a folding chair being like, this is a front leave. This is. We're money laundering. I'd be like, oh, no, you're right. Yep. Got it. Good on you.

[A]

So fucking funny fronts should do that. It's just a guy reading a newspaper

[B]

going, oh, oh, nope, sorry.

[A]

This is money laundering.

[C]

All right, here we are. We're going to do more of these animal pun raids. We created a research facility to figure out why this is the most popular dog breed in America.

[D]

Golden Receiver.

[B]

Doodle Labdoodle. Labradoodle.

[C]

You've got the dog. Janet.

[A]

Lab.

[B]

Dog. Dog lab.

[C]

Yeah. We created a research facility.

[D]

A laboratory. Laboratory

[A]

Labrador.

[C]

That's laboratory Labrador.

[D]

I was working on a dog.

[C]

No one's got the combo word yet, but it's. Everyone's circling it. It's Labrador and laboratory. How do we think we Labradory. This says Ellen DeGeneres is Labradoratory. Labradoratory. A Labradoratory retriever.

[B]

Labradoratory. I'm gonna go ahead and say I would live in a Labradormatory.

[D]

I'm gonna go ahead and say, boo.

[C]

Boo.

[B]

You serve your shampoo.

[C]

Here's your next one.

[D]

It sounds like Steven Wright is a ghost.

[C]

This small rodent. This small rodent exhibited great honor and nobility when it pulled a thorn from a lion's paw.

[B]

A mouse or size?

[C]

It's a mousercise. It's a mouse, but it great honor and ability. When it pulled the thorn from a lion's paw, it did something out of the goodness of its own heart. You could say that it was mousetastic mouse. It's not mousetastic. Mouse is actually the end of this word. So if you get the first part of the word, it's gonna throw mouse at the end.

[B]

Courage. Mouse.

[C]

What Not.

[B]

Don't laugh at that one. That one felt really good at him.

[D]

After Limuridge, I think, which I think was the lemur hemorrhage or something. I think anything is to use the example of hairc and then to have these be these.

[C]

I will say this one's actually pretty close. The end of the word that you're looking for does kind of sound like Max Fay mouse. It's not fey mouse, but you're on the right track with like that kind of end of the last end of the word. Adol. Doing something out of the goodness of. It's a big word. It's a flowery word.

[B]

Dilatori. Mouse.

[C]

It's kind of like what's lava called when it's under the ground?

[D]

Magma.

[C]

Okay, so magnanimouse. It's magnanimouse.

[B]

Oh, God. Magnanimous.

[A]

That one hurts.

[C]

But again, that one. It kind of sounds like magnanimous. Like magnanimous is just magnanimouse without the e. Magnanimouse.

[D]

That's maybe the best one so far.

[C]

Okay, well, hey, we still have like five more.

[B]

Ted Dada knew what he was doing. Teddy Da knew that this was about creating scene opportunities. And the riddle is a byproduct at best.

[C]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

And I'm on board for that.

[C]

Okay, here's your next one from Teddah. This large wild cattle will happily give you the scoop on what's going on around town.

[B]

Ice cream. Bison. I got into scoop.

[D]

I'm so Oxen Free Press.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

Adol.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

That's oxum.

[A]

That's awesome.

[C]

That's awesome. Free press.

[A]

Gossip.

[C]

It's not gossip. I don't think we've had the animal yet. New.

[B]

The new cows news just gnu.

[C]

It's not news. News actually fucks. That works so well, you actually get a gold star for achievement. And you can take the rest of the riddle off.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Can you read the riddle?

[C]

But it's not niche.

[D]

The riddle.

[C]

Yeah. It's this large wild cattle. I'll stop there and help you get Bison. It's not bison.

[B]

I gotta tell you from the sidelines, I am floating on a pool noodle drinking of Bartles and James right now. I love taking the rest of the riddle off.

[D]

Buffalo down.

[B]

It's buffalo down.

[D]

Buffalo down.

[C]

It's buffalo down.

[A]

Thank God, you're low down.

[B]

Thank God.

[C]

Jeez, please. Thank God you're here, Adolf, to get buffalo down for us. I do want to see a scene. Adol, you are going to be. We're like animals at, like, a watering hole, but you're the animal that has, like, all the hot gossip. And every other animal is, like, trying to, like, get you to, like, you know, spill what the tea is.

[D]

Ooh, what do we have here? Water, water, water. I'm thirsty. Okay. Dip my tongue in. Lap it into my throat. I heard. Hey, Terry, Terry. What's up, Terry? I heard that the impalas. No, I shouldn't. Water, water, water. Lapse them into my mouth. Gulp, gulp, gulp. All right, bye, everyone.

[A]

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

[C]

What? The impalas. What?

[D]

Oh, you heard something. What'd you hear?

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Jeff, Jeff. Are you trying to sort of.

[D]

I heard that the impalas have been farting into each other's mouths. You didn't hear this from me.

[A]

Jeff.

[D]

Bye, everyone.

[A]

No, Jeff, hold on. Hello. We got a question. Are you trying to get us to talk about anything but last night.

[D]

Aura of wars of war, huh?

[A]

I just feel like you're kind of wanting the gossip to be sort of off of you. Like, you walked over here kind of.

[D]

I was homeless night the whole time. Home, of course, being the.

[B]

Sorry, I just been over here laughing hyena. What's up?

[A]

Hey, Trish.

[D]

Hey, Trish.

[A]

Hey, what's up, Jeff? Jeff, we weren't all talking about you when you came up. Like, last night was last night. Everyone gets drunk on their birthday and makes mistakes.

[D]

Gossip about me. Okay, this is news.

[B]

Oh, yeah, some of the news.

[A]

We're talking about it as well. They.

[B]

Yeah, they said guilty as charged. They put gossiping about you, Jeff. Oh.

[D]

Oh, Jeff, what did I do? I kind of browned out and that

[A]

I. Oh, well, then we don't have to remind you. I think then that's fine, right? Have a good.

[C]

No, we should. We should remind. We should. I mean, we should let him know. It's. We should let him know because he needs to probably

[B]

emotionally process the embarrassment.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You called your ex your mom's name, and you called your mom your ex's name, and then you called both.

[C]

Oh, no.

[D]

Oh, no.

[A]

And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

[D]

Oh, what's an iceberg?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

See, we just say that phrase. Does anyone know why we say that

[A]

phrase from the 16th century?

[C]

All right, here's your next one. When he and his Brethren fell from heaven. They did so in flying V formation. Satan Goose, you're not there with Satan Goose.

[D]

Beelzegoose.

[A]

Beelzegoose.

[C]

You're so close.

[B]

I just watched the squirrel. A squirrel in my tree just fell out of the sky right after you said that.

[C]

Right after it said fell from heaven.

[B]

It dropped, like, 15ft straight onto another tree. I think it's fine.

[A]

We summoned Beelzegoose, and then the animals have been dying.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

Do you want to go check on it?

[B]

I'm so sorry. No. I mean, I can see that the tree down below, because it's a hillside, is, like, wiggling and moving like it's fine. But I've never seen a squirrel just fall through the air like a dead weight. The amount of, like. Oh.

[A]

So embarrassed.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So sorry, you guys.

[D]

Janet, you dug that story One gonna give me the best dream I've ever had tonight. And also made me realize the answer is probably Gooseifer.

[C]

It's Lucifer. It's Lucifer.

[A]

So funny.

[B]

It's goose. I want to see the whole Bible depicted in animal form.

[A]

I would like to see.

[C]

You don't, because that is something that exists. Probably. There's probably.

[B]

It's Lucifer, but it's also Ghisis. Geese is Christ.

[D]

I would bet dollars to the donuts that untitled goose project was originally called Gooseifer.

[B]

Probably.

[A]

I'd like to see a name.

[C]

Goose the Baptist.

[B]

Are you sure?

[A]

I do. I am sure. Adol. You are Goose or. No, I'll have jbc. You'll be Guccifer Adol. You are going to Hell as a human. And you're surprised that the devil is human?

[D]

What the fuck, Aaron? Just give me a character.

[A]

No, no, no. You're not you. Not you, Adolf, but a version of you.

[C]

Off.

[D]

Oh, what the. What? Last thing I remember, I was climbing a tree and I fell and I. My what? I hurt my. Hello?

[C]

Hello.

[D]

Oh. Oh, you're.

[C]

Hello.

[D]

You're also dead.

[C]

What? No, I'm very much alive.

[D]

Oh, is this.

[C]

Well, as much as. As much as one could be alive. Welcome to my domain, Heaven, and guess again. I'll give you two shots. Little hell joke.

[D]

Purgatory.

[C]

No, it's Hell. It's Hell.

[D]

I guess when you said Hell joke, I should have assumed.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. No worries, though. Hold on. You are a human.

[D]

Yeah, I'm an addle.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, no, I can see that.

[D]

Which is human. Esque.

[C]

When you died, you said you fell out of a. You were saying you fell out of a tree.

[D]

Yeah, I was gonna say I fell down But I.

[A]

Did you.

[C]

Did you see if there was anything below you when you fell?

[D]

No, I wasn't.

[C]

Here's what happened. Yeah, here's what happened.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

You probably fell on a goose. His souls got intertwined and switched a little bit because this is goose hell. Oh, I'm Guccifer.

[D]

Well, those are swan. Those are trumpet swans.

[C]

They know what they did.

[A]

They know what they did.

[D]

They know what they did.

[C]

Everything. Everything should have its own hell. Right?

[A]

I would like them to ball.

[B]

It's true. Because hell is not there. Yeah, it's different from other.

[D]

So it's all siloed. Hell is all siloed. Is heaven still just the free for all or do all dogs go to dog heaven?

[C]

It's just dogs. And Mormons, I believe are the only

[B]

ones it depends on. There's three tiers in Mormonism, so one is for dogs.

[D]

Dogs are Mormons.

[C]

I guess one for dogs is Mormonism the one where you get your own planet when you die.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I mean one of. I'm sure many. I'm sure many religions give you your

[C]

own planet when they saw Mormonism was doing it. Like all the other religions were. Like, this weekend only sign up to be a Lutheran and you get your own planet. This weekend only first 100 ladies through the door to their own planet shout

[B]

out to all you Latter Day Saints out there again, I am a lapsed Mormon, so in my lapse, that's probably putting it strongly.

[C]

You could be back. You could be back one day, right, Janet?

[B]

I'm sure they would take me back. I have missionaries show up at my house all the time. Me having no idea how they got my address. Bless em.

[C]

Is that right? Are you on some sort of former Mormon list where they. Or are they just showing Former Mormon, former Mormon.

[A]

I would have to get myself a former Momma Mommin Ba Ma Mammon list.

[B]

Is that one of Ted's? Ted?

[C]

The next one is gonna be form of Mormon.

[A]

Pick a bag.

[C]

I remember in college you could get the Mormons called on you if you went to the Latter Day Saints website or whatever and then put in one of your friend's address and said I'm interested in.

[B]

This is like the most tame version of swatting.

[C]

Yeah, you're like morbid swatting people.

[B]

I call the Mormon swatdib on my friend.

[C]

You know what it was? It wasn't even that. What it was was you could get them to send you a copy of the Book of Mormon. I want to say Mormon Bible. They have a better name for it.

[B]

Book Of Mormon. Book of Mormon, like the play musical.

[C]

They would send you the Book of Mormon for free. Anyone could get it. Like you could just request it. So if you're interested in seeing like what the heck's in this thing. But then they would have your address and then they would also send some missionaries out just to like triple check. You didn't want to like swing on in, get your own planet? Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. To swat people with the mortal is fun. Here's your next one. This arctic mammal has developed a serious mental disorder as a result of global bipolar bear.

[B]

Bipolar Bear cell polar bear cell Polar bear bipolar. We are all mentally ill. We are going to get get there quick.

[A]

We're going to get there quick.

[D]

I do want to see you. Say, Aaron, you're a polar bear in therapy.

[B]

Great.

[D]

Janet, you are the only therapist available in the North Pole.

[A]

Ho ho, ho. Oh my God.

[B]

Welcome to therapy. Would you like to sit on my lap?

[A]

No, thank you. Sorry, I was trying to get a last minute appointment. I had a really bad panic attack the other day at work and I

[B]

just thought that this would anyone like some cookies?

[A]

Sorry, it's gonna be a private session.

[C]

Oh, oh, private session.

[B]

Oh, sounds a little sexy.

[A]

Okay, the clause is famous swingers. Guys, I really am here for therapy.

[B]

Yeah, honey, get out of here. That's super inappropriate and like, probably against the law.

[C]

Oh, okay. I'm sorry for interrupting.

[A]

I'll see you guys at the bar later. Maybe for something else, but for now.

[B]

Great. Let's keep those things separate. Building a condom.

[A]

Okay, I'm sorry.

[B]

I forgot that an elf was right underneath me. You gotta get out of here too, Scrapples.

[A]

Okay, Scrapples. I'll see you at the candy bar later. So I just feel like sometimes in a snowstorm.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like I disappear. Do you know what I mean? I can't see my. Myself anymore. Like I. I don't even recognize myself.

[B]

And if you had to categorize that behavior as either naughty or nice, what do you think you would be?

[A]

Well, that's the thing is I want it. I. In those moments, I want to be nice. But I feel like I'm kind of no one in those moments. Like I kind of disappear. You know what I think might solve it? I think just going to the bar later and having a bunch of sex.

[B]

You said it. Not me. Swinging with people.

[A]

You're right. That's probably the best solution to my emotional problem.

[C]

Hey, what'll it be? Let me guess. Coca Cola?

[A]

Hey, man, you. I want A Bud Light, please. Can I get a. Can I get a Coke?

[D]

Make that too.

[C]

Hey, we don't serve your kind Coca Colas here. Oh, Bear. Straight Coca Cola.

[D]

See, see, that is one of the most memorable Christmas commercials is the.

[C]

Oh, yeah, when Santa fucks the polar bear.

[D]

I feel like that is as far as my life goes. That is the first time I was, I guess, aware of ASMR before ASMR was labeled. Oh, was the Polar Bear commercials. Cause they drink much like Mr. Bean. They drink the Coke and they're like. Right. Those are the commercials you're thinking of.

[C]

I don't. I don't remember them making ASMR sounds. I don't remember that. I remember, like, the crisp. Like, I feel like they did a lot in the lab to get the crisp, like, Coke bottle coming off.

[B]

Well, that's still asmr.

[A]

Yeah, that's still asmr.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I thought you were gonna say it was your first awareness of, like, cg.

[D]

Oh, maybe.

[B]

Hopefully you would have known about CG before that.

[D]

And it. Yeah, with the butt buzzer Frogs.

[C]

Puppets. They must have been puppets, right?

[D]

Those were actors.

[C]

Those were actors.

[A]

Those were actors.

[C]

So they actually have a wall in Washington D.C. with their names on it.

[B]

Wait, are we talking about the same commercials?

[C]

The Bud Wise. Er. Those are three Thraws.

[B]

Okay, we moved to a different commercial. I gotcha.

[C]

Yes. I'm sorry. I was trying to think of my first instance of seeing CG in commercial. All those Clydesdales. Those are all cg, right?

[B]

Oh, I hope so.

[C]

They don't make horses that big, right. Please God, tell me they don't make horses that big. Oh, are Clydesdales exclusive to Budweiser? Can no one else. If, like Dodge Durango wanted to have horses at a commercial, could they have Clydesdales? Or is that stupid?

[A]

But I don't think that they can own an animal.

[D]

I mean, I think if you can trademark animals, you could trademark humans. And you know, Apple could be like, no other humans can be in commercials. And then we'd all be in.

[C]

I guess so.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. I just don't think I've ever seen anyone else do, like, Mr. Clean could do a commercial. It's just Clydesdale's if they wanted to. Right? Like, that's.

[A]

Yeah. No, Mr. But Mr. Clean can't be in, like a Subway commercial.

[D]

No other commercial's gonna have men in them.

[B]

I mean, it would be cool if he were.

[C]

You can't license Mr. Clean to also just eat a Subway sandwich. And at the edge of Subway. You're like, are they gonna talk about Mr. Clean at all? Like, the process.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[B]

You guys, I thought we booked Mr.

[A]

He has become.

[C]

The Charmin Bears are just like, in the forest. They're like, do you know that you could bet on presidential elections with Kalsheet? And they're like, oh, interesting. And you're like, what the fuck did I just see? Who the fuck was that?

[B]

And the Keebler elves are like, up here. Up here, Scrabbles.

[D]

Now the brawny guy and Mr. Clean are fucking, right?

[B]

I hope.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Maybe not each other. They're definitely out there fucking just kind of running through it. Here's your next one.

[D]

I do want to see a scene real quick.

[A]

Oh, God.

[D]

We're going to see a commercial for. This is a commercial for orange juice. And the three of you, Janet, Aaron, and jpc, you're each going to enter at some point as a very famous mascot or spokesperson for a different brand.

[C]

Got it?

[D]

Oh, let me go into the fridge here, see what we have to drink. Milk, no, water. Oh, orange juice. Yum. I'm drinking some now. All done with the orange.

[A]

That's great.

[D]

Ah, a tiger.

[A]

I'm not here to kill you. Why did I even say that? I'm not putting anyone at ease when I say that I love orange juice because I love breakfast. I won't say what else I eat, but it's all gr.

[D]

Anthony. Right?

[C]

Just make sure you put that orange juice back in the refrigerator when you're done. Remember, only you can prevent orange juice from getting too warm.

[A]

Ho, ho, ho.

[B]

Did someone say Christmas?

[A]

I fucking knew it. I was like, this is. This is gonna launch into a Santa thing again, and I'm gonna get horny all over again.

[C]

In my mind, I was going through my. Like, the mascots. I know. And I was like, first I hit. Mr. Peanut was like, Mr. Peanut, me too. And I was like, no fucking idea what he sounds like. Fancy. Yeah.

[A]

I was also thinking Mr. Monopoly. And then I was like, that's not a spokesperson.

[B]

It is.

[C]

Does the Trix Rabbit talk again? I just don't know. I don't know.

[D]

He sweats.

[A]

He sweats, right?

[D]

And on commercials, he's like, if I

[B]

hadn't committed myself to be Santa immediately without even knowing what Adam was going to have us do, I would have. I would have brought in maybe the Pillsbury. Pillsbury Doughboy.

[C]

Pillsbury Doughboy, Yes. The other one my brain went to. I went to the. I don't know why the Gordon's Fisherman, but Then I hit that and I go, no. What does he sound like? Do you know the Gordon's Fisherman? He's on, like, the fish stick box. He's just like a guy in a yellow raincoat.

[B]

I confuse him with, like, isn't there, like, a fisherman's friend Cough drop, like a lozenge? That's basically the same guy.

[D]

Which they're actually pretty addictive.

[C]

And then the other one I went to was Jolly Green Giant. And I'm like, none of these people have distinct. Like these. Again, these are just like cartoon mascots on packaging so they wouldn't have, like, a known voice.

[D]

But to be fair, the Jolly Green Giant kind of aping Santa Claus.

[B]

Oh, he does go, ho, ho, ho, ho, doesn't he? Wait a minute.

[A]

He does wait.

[C]

Ho, ho, ho. I'm ho ho. Horny for beans.

[B]

Horny for beans.

[C]

All right, hold on. We gotta do more. One more or we have three more. We're gonna get through these, okay? Despite being extinct, this creature is still very worried about its status as king of the dinosaurs.

[D]

Tyrant. Tyrant.

[C]

Source.

[D]

Rex.

[B]

Very worried clue into very worried anxiety.

[A]

Rex.

[D]

Nice.

[A]

It's the first one I got.

[B]

That's great.

[C]

All right, here's your next one. Projects led by these red rumped primates often turn into wasteful and impractical messes.

[D]

Baboons.

[C]

Yes, baboon. Red rumped primate is baboon.

[B]

Baboon.

[D]

What's the clue?

[C]

What's the other wasteful and impractical messes?

[B]

Bamboo dog.

[C]

This is like, yes, Janet.

[A]

Really? Yes.

[C]

It's baboon doggle.

[B]

In my mind, I was like, like, what's a. Is a boondoggle a thing? And then I think I was imagining a dune buggy.

[D]

That's a dune doggy.

[B]

Good on my dune. I'm a boondoggle. We are gonna head out into the dunes. It's gonna be so fun

[C]

imagining a dune buggy.

[D]

You know who has great dunes? Indiana. Not like that shithole, Iowa.

[B]

Yeah, what a dump.

[A]

Coming hard against Iowa today, guys. Sorry.

[C]

Okay, here's your last one. You guys have done a great job. And everyone's done an equally great job is what I'll say.

[A]

No, I got one. They got a hundred. Let's not even. Let's not joke. I didn't cook long enough.

[B]

Aaron, we said a lot of things. That doesn't mean we got them right.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

I don't know. You didn't get.

[C]

Aaron, I think you're gonna get this one, Aaron. This ocean predator makes cynical and Ironic remakes about being older than trees.

[A]

Shark.

[D]

Megalodon.

[C]

It's shark. We got shark.

[A]

Shark.

[D]

What's the other hint? The scriptures making.

[C]

Yeah, ironic remarks. I said remakes and says remakes.

[B]

Shark Barkman.

[A]

Shark Barkman.

[D]

Schnarky. Sharky Schnarky.

[C]

Ironic remarks about being older than trees.

[D]

Schnarky.

[A]

Why is the older than trees part important?

[B]

No.

[C]

I mean, no, it's.

[D]

Sharks are older than trees. That's a fact.

[C]

Think cynical in ironic remarks.

[B]

Sarcasm.

[C]

If someone was making those sarcastic ericastic. It's sharkastic. And you got it. And I said you would and you did it.

[A]

I think someone else got it before me, okay?

[D]

No, I think you got it.

[A]

Come on, guys, let's not do this whole song and dance.

[C]

Okay? Aaron, since you got that one right and you're so good at being shark. Castic, I want to see a scene. You're going to be like a. This is like an underwater stand up comedy club and you are going to be playing a shark who's doing standup. But they only do crowd work. Okay, so you're going to be coming to us for crowd work.

[A]

Anyone here on a date? Anyone here on a date tonight?

[C]

We're on a date? Yeah. The two of us are on a date. Date.

[A]

Hello. How long have you two been in a relationship?

[D]

It's our first date.

[A]

Your first date? Wow. How'd you meet each other coming to this show? Sad. You met each other here at the show and now you're on a date.

[D]

Well, this is our first date.

[C]

We met up at the show.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Where did you meet?

[C]

We go to the same school.

[A]

You guys are way too young to be in here. What do you mean you go to

[C]

the same school or Fish of fish. School of fish. We just.

[A]

I don't really like people in my audience who do like group think and just sort of follow what other people do. So can you guys get the hell out of here? Everyone should applaud me, right? I'm getting all these fish that like, they just need. This is my impression of being in a school of fish. Oh, you guys are going right? I'll also go right.

[D]

You have a big fish on your stomach.

[A]

Yeah, he cleans my knee off, bitch. I need it medically. You're gonna come after me? It's something I need medically. That fish cleans my stomach, bitch. I'm also a yes fan who does

[B]

a lot of wooing and cheering. So it seems like the crowd. Thank you so much.

[A]

Thank you so much to that trumpeter swan in the back.

[B]

No.

[A]

Get out. Get this guy out of here. Seed. No. Absolutely not. No more Santas. No more Santas of my watch.

[B]

I don't think so.

[D]

Santa eel. Aaron, you don't want to see Santa eel.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

Any more. Branding of Santa Ray. Like manta ray.

[D]

When an eel bites your heel, that's for real. That's amore.

[B]

I do like Moray Ant.

[A]

Yeah, that's great.

[C]

I like a crowd work comedian that goes to the crowd, asks them a question, and then kicks them out when they're in the sun. A crowd worker who's just gradually working his way through kicking every little room out of his show.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Janet, you did a great job. Ted, you did a great job. And everyone here did a great job. And now it is time for the saddest part of the show. The part of the show where we basically stop doing the show and we tell you about stuff that we'd like you to check out. Janet, do you have anything that you would like people to check out?

[B]

I'm gonna resist making an April Fool's Day joke and instead tell you to listen to E Pluribus motto, the podcast I do with the great John Hodgman where we explore mottos. I'm blanking on anything else that a state chooses for itself. Mottos, flags, state snacks, state bees, flowers, state flowers, state trees, state bees. It's really just an excuse for us to talk about cute stuff and try to come up with new and better non Latin mottos for states. It's a lot of fun.

[D]

Janet, can I ask, have you done Iowa?

[A]

I don't believe we've done Iowa yet,

[B]

but I will say as a way of apologizing for accidentally and not meaning to call Iowa a dump. I had a great time in Des Moines and I talk about it kind of a lot.

[A]

I love Des Moines.

[D]

Great time.

[B]

Yeah, I really love it.

[D]

They have a zombie themed burger place.

[A]

Oh, cool.

[D]

Has great food and great shakes.

[C]

Yeah. For a total shithole. Des Moines.

[A]

Not.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[A]

I'd like to plug Quality Time. It's my monthly show here in Los Angeles. It's a different theme every month, so

[B]

come check that out.

[A]

If you haven't yet. Adol anything to plug, please check out

[D]

Gumshoes and Dragons, the delightful DD Columbo podcast that we do with our friend Anthony Burch. You can check that out. Gumshoes and Dragons. And also there was something else I wanted to plug, which was. Oh, oh, please go back and watch the Coca Cola commercials with the polar bears and let me know if they do make little Mr. Bean esque sounds because I swear they do. I swear that's when I was first aware of like a pleasing sound which was like the polar bears drinking and they're like, it's so satisfying. So please watch that JPC Anything to plug or a review to read.

[C]

Hey, this is also this Friday is the first of our month of April of the Penguins. Penguin baseball is back on the Patreon. So check it out. Patreon.com, hey riddle. Riddle. We'll have Casey, Tony and Janet Varney will be there for the draft. We have five new exciting teams. It's going to be a fun April of the Penguins. That is Patreon for Hayward Riddle all month long. Hey, I also have a review to read. This review comes to us from Cyntwine. Scentwine says fun stuff. It's funny. I like it. Short, sweet, to the point. Great job Scentwine.

[A]

Thank you Aaron.

[D]

I have another animal pun raid thing here. I guess Tedded amazing just sent this one to me.

[B]

Me.

[D]

So this is a type of bird that can't fly and plays baseball but is also from outer space.

[A]

Hot dog. Come on. I didn't even get to participate in it.

[C]

I don't even get to do it anymore. You got to be fat. You got to be fast. Eric I'm Patrick C. Tony did the editing. They're already parents in the music

[A]

logo

[C]

created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Naporus. Hey there balls and eggs. If you like that, you are going to love this. It's April of the Penguins on Hey rle, which means more penguin baseball. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com hey Riddle. By joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[B]

That was a headgum podcast.