Patreon Preview #310: High School Valentine’s Day

Summary

Podcast Summary: Hey Riddle Riddle – Patreon Preview #310: High School Valentine’s Day

Release Date: February 14, 2025

Overview

In this special Patreon Preview episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, Headgum hosts Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan delve into the chaotic and humorous events of a high school’s Valentine’s Day celebration. Set in Homeroom Three, the episode captures the interplay between students and their teacher, Mrs. Sullivan, highlighting the awkwardness and drama that often accompany teenage festivities. Through a scripted narrative, the hosts explore themes of adolescent angst, miscommunication, and the complexities of teenage relationships, all infused with their signature wit and improvisational flair.

Classroom Valentine's Day Activity

The episode kicks off with Troy announcing the sale of candy grams for Valentine’s Day:

Troy [00:03]: "Hey. Hey. Everyone in homeroom three, student council is selling candy grams. If anybody wants a candy gram for Valentine's Day."

This announcement sets the stage for the ensuing comedic tension, as students grapple with the logistics and personal anxieties associated with exchanging Valentine's gifts.

Candy Gram Sales Discussion

Colton, a student in the homeroom, expresses his reluctance to participate openly:

Colton [00:15]: "Oh, do we have to do it in front of the whole class? Or can we see you later? Or."

Troy clarifies the procedure, emphasizing the immediacy and confidentiality required:

Troy [00:37]: "Well, you would give me $20. You would tell me. You would write down, I guess. Or tell. Whisper in my ear."

Mrs. Sullivan intervenes to maintain order, illustrating the typical middle-school classroom dynamics:

Mrs. Sullivan [00:45]: "Troy, don't get up from your seat, okay? Just stay in your seat. You can communicate with him from the back of the room."

Colton’s apprehension about the process reflects common teenage insecurities:

Colton [01:12]: "I don't really want to pass a 20 up because, you know, I feel like it keeps happening. I keep sitting at the back of the class, I keep passing things up, and by the time it gets to the front, it's either been telephoned or it's been taken or it's been changed."

Troy’s crude humor surfaces as he jokingly accuses Colton of having a crush on Mrs. Sullivan:

Troy [01:24]: "I thought you definitely want to buy one for Mrs. Sullivan, because I know you're, like, fucking in love with her or whatever."

Poem Presentation and Tension

The episode transitions to the poem presentation segment of the class, introducing further conflict. Mrs. Sullivan requests a love-themed poem, welcoming Troy to present first:

Mrs. Sullivan [04:28]: "Yeah, everyone just come in. Take your seats, Take your seats. Let's just get down to it immediately. Who would like to present their poem first?"

Toby, another student, is selected to recite his poem. Prior interactions hint at tension between Colton and Toby, possibly stemming from past bullying incidents:

Mrs. Sullivan [05:27]: "As a high school bully myself, I respect your hustle and I respect your responsibility here in this class."

Colton vehemently denies being a bully, revealing deeper layers of his character:

Colton [05:27]: "I'm not a high school bully, Colton. That's unfair. I'm not a high school bully. I had a reaction to a disgusting poem."

As Toby begins his poem, the classroom atmosphere becomes increasingly uncomfortable. The poem's explicit and hypersexualized content shocks both students and Mrs. Sullivan:

Toby [07:09]: "This is sloppily sucking on beef jerky by Toby. No last name. Because I'm an orphan."

Colton's frustration peaks as he confronts the inappropriateness of the poem:

Colton [07:20]: "Oh, fuck. He's gonna win Best Orphan. He's gonna win Best Orphan for sure."

Mrs. Sullivan attempts to mediate, urging Colton to maintain composure:

Mrs. Sullivan [08:04]: "Colton, uncover your ears. Open your eyes and uncover your ears."

Despite her efforts, tension remains high as the poem continues to push boundaries, highlighting the challenges teachers face in managing sensitive student interactions.

Mrs. Sullivan’s Role

Mrs. Sullivan embodies the archetypal high school teacher struggling to balance authority and empathy. Her attempts to control the classroom dynamics are met with resistance, particularly from Colton, who perceives her as overstepping boundaries:

Mrs. Sullivan [07:38]: "Colton, you and me, we're the same, okay?"

Her references to her past experiences as a "former bully" add a layer of irony and complexity to her character, as she navigates the delicate task of maintaining order while addressing students' emotional outbursts.

Conclusion and Insights

This episode of Hey Riddle Riddle masterfully captures the essence of high school Valentine’s Day through a blend of scripted humor and relatable student-teacher interactions. By highlighting the awkwardness of teenage relationships, the pressures of school activities, and the challenges of adolescent self-expression, the hosts offer a comedic yet insightful look into the trials and tribulations of high school life. Memorable quotes and dynamic character interactions ensure that both listeners and non-listeners gain a vivid understanding of the episode’s themes and humor.

Notable Quotes

• Troy [00:27]: "I knew you're, like, fucking in love with her or whatever."
• Colton [01:12]: "I keep passing things up, and by the time it gets to the front, it's either been telephoned or it's been taken or it's been changed."
• Mrs. Sullivan [05:27]: "As a high school bully myself, I respect your hustle and I respect your responsibility here in this class."
• Toby [07:09]: "This is sloppily sucking on beef jerky by Toby. No last name. Because I'm an orphan."
• Colton [07:20]: "He's gonna win Best Orphan for sure."

Listeners are encouraged to explore the full episode for more humorous exchanges and to engage with the Hey Riddle Riddle community for additional content and discussions.

Transcript

[Troy]

Hey. Hey. Everyone in homeroom three, student council is selling candy grams. If anybody wants a candy gram for Valentine's Day. No one, huh?

[Colton]

Oh, do we have to do it in front of the whole class? Or can we see you later? Or.

[Troy]

You have to buy it now. Today's the only day. Troy, did you want one?

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Yeah, Troy, did you want one?

[Colton]

So how does the buying process work? I would just say, like, my crush's name.

[Troy]

Well, you would give me $20. You would tell me. You would write down, I guess. Or tell. Whisper in my ear.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Troy, don't get up from your seat, okay? Just stay in your seat. You can communicate with him from the back of the room.

[Troy]

Thanks, Mrs. Sullivan.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Oh, no problem.

[Colton]

Okay, so I can write it down and you'll just come and get it off my desk with the 20 or.

[Troy]

Well, if you could ball up the 20 and toss it to me, I'm.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Yeah, we could pass the 20 forward, I think, to the front of the class. And then you can just communicate to him who we don't have all day, so just tell him about consent.

[Colton]

I don't really want to pass a 20 up because, you know, I feel like it keeps happening. I keep sitting at the back of the class, I keep passing things up, and by the time it gets to the front, it's either been telephoned or it's been taken or it's been changed.

[Troy]

Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Well, I thought you definitely want to buy one for Mrs. Sullivan, because I know you're, like, fucking in love with her or whatever. No worries.

[Colton]

I'm having. I have to go. Can I go to the. Can I go to the nurse's office? No, I'm having a heart attack.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Troy.

[Colton]

I'm having a heart attack.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Troy. You're not having a heart attack.

[Colton]

I'm having a.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

We could just have a test in a couple minutes. Okay?

[Colton]

Bring it on. Pass it out.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

No, sort out whatever this Candy Graham thing is. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. But we can't have this take up all of our class time. You can sen your candy grams to your crush, but we can't have it take up all of class time, okay?

[Troy]

And this year, we. We partnered with. I don't know how to pronounce it. Brax. Brachs. B, R, A, C, H. Whatever that is. We partner with them to make special for the high school, special, little candy hearts. Some of them have, like, two fingers, like you're fingering someone. Some of them have, like.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Still a teacher, still a teacher. Still a teacher, still a teacher.

[Troy]

Well, I'm not in your homeroom.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Ah, good point. As you were.

[Troy]

Some have, like two penises touching. Some have.

[Colton]

Some.

[Troy]

Huh?

[Colton]

Do we get to pick? Do we get to pick which one we do or is it random?

[Troy]

I'll let you pick. You'll let me pick for 25? For $5 more?

[Colton]

Well, I don't want to do the two penises one. That's gonna send the wrong message to my crush.

[Troy]

I could give Mrs. Sullivan the fingering one. If that's because you're talking at lunch.

[Colton]

About, I think I'm good. I don't think. I don't think I need one. I don't think I need one this year. Only next year I'll do the hurt.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

It's for charity.

[Colton]

Troy, you're not gonna say that.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

$60 for charity?

[Colton]

It's for charity.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Yeah.

[Colton]

What's the charity?

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Charity. The girl at our school who's going through a hard time.

[Troy]

Yeah, there's nothing, I guess, discernibly wrong with her, except she's really bummed out.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Bummed out? She has the blues. She has the winter blues.

[Colton]

Her dad owns a Pontiac GMC dealership.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

So rich people can be sad.

[Troy]

I don't think Pontiac's gonna be around much. I think Pontiac's going the way of Mitsubishi.

[Colton]

How would you know? Car magazines be sad. But does she need $20?

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Yes.

[Troy]

She's saving up for a Dodge Durango, which makes no sense because you can't get a discount.

[Colton]

Yeah, she could probably get a free Pontiac or gnc.

[Troy]

Get a grand Am. What are you doing? Charity?

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Yeah, Troy, just say you're crush. Hand forward the money and then we can be on with our day.

[Colton]

Okay, you know what? I'll write it down. I'll just write it down on a 20. You know what? 25. I'll do 25. I'll write it down. I'll pay for the. I'll do. I guess the fingering one is fine. I only heard two options, so I guess I'll take the fingering one.

[Troy]

Okay. And you can just give it. Just because I'm in a hurry to get to the other homerooms. You can just hand it directly to Mrs. Sullivan.

[Colton]

Nope, nope, nope, nope.

[Troy]

All right, bye, guys.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Yeah, everyone just come in. Take your seats, Take your seats. Let's just get down to it immediately. Who would like to present their poem first?

[Troy]

I'd like to go first, please.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Ah, yes, Toby, of course. Everybody just take a seat. And let's just all promise that we're not going to have a repeat the last time Toby read his poem. We're not going to do that again. Everyone, I just need.

[Troy]

Please don't.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Nodding.

[Troy]

I just got out of therapy. Please don't.

[Colton]

Is Toby going to read the same poem as last time?

[Mrs. Sullivan]

I don't know, Toby. The assignment today was like sort of a love themed poem. Are you going to read the same poem as last time, Toby?

[Troy]

I don't think so. I think I understood the assignment.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Great. Great. So then, Colton, at ease. I'd say.

[Colton]

Well, no, it's just not gonna be a repeat of the last time. As long as he's not reading the same poem again. Poem was deeply upsetting.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

As a high school bully myself, I respect your hustle and I respect your responsibility here in this class. Whoa.

[Colton]

I'm not a high school bully, Colton. That's unfair. I'm not a high school bully. I had a reaction to a disgusting poem.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Colton, this is that you have a certain responsible as the class bully, or you have a certain responsibility as the class bully. Let just Toby read his poem. And let's just not freak out, okay?

[Colton]

Hey, can I just say, Colton isn't officially the class bully he bullied one time. I mean, that doesn't discount if someone else has been kind of working for three years for the superlative in the senior yearbook. As big as bullying.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Please just take a seat. If you want to read your poem, get in line. Okay.

[Colton]

Read my poem. Get bullied.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Toby. I'm sorry, Are you. You've just been up here clearing your throat.

[Troy]

I read it silently. I think I'm done.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

No, Toby. No one heard it.

[Colton]

Can I be excused then? If Toby's gonna read his poem, and we know that I have a visceral reaction to Toby's poems. Maybe. Maybe Colton just let Colton go.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

No, I think, Colton, this is a good exercise for you. This is a good exercise in self control.

[Troy]

I ran this one by several family members, none immediate, because I don't have any. But they all agreed that this one was not upsetting.

[Colton]

I don't have a problem with Toby.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

He read the poem to his extended family members because he's an orphan. Are you gonna say something about that?

[Colton]

Why would I have. Why would I say something about him being an orphan?

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Back in my day, I would have said something like that. I will.

[Colton]

I'll say it.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Steven. No. Steven.

[Colton]

Wha. I feel like I'm not even getting a chance.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Okay, Toby, whenever you're ready.

[Troy]

This is sloppily sucking on beef jerky by Toby. No last name. Because I'm an orphan.

[Colton]

Can I be excused? I think I'm going to have a bad reaction to this. Based on the title, I think I should be excused.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Sit. Just cross your arms and bite your tongue. You can literally do that. And trust me, in the 80s, I would have been all over this. I would have been freaking out. I've been foaming at the mouth. Okay? Steve would have been coming out of my ears. Colton, as a former bully myself, I get you. I see you.

[Colton]

Colton, I think you're projecting a lot of what you were doing onto me. I'm just not into hearing super hypersexualized poetry.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Colton, you and me, we're the same, okay?

[Colton]

No.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

We both want to rip this guy in half. I don't. What? Toby, your poem. Read the title again.

[Troy]

I did. I mouthed the words again.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Toby, from the top.

[Troy]

This is Sloppily sucking on beef jerky by Toby. No last name. Because I'm an orphan.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Colton, uncover your ears. Open your eyes and uncover your ears.

[Colton]

You told me to bite my tongue. Which only stops the reaction coming out of me, not what I'm hearing. Why can't I just cover my ears?

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Listen to the poem. Go ahead, Tobi.

[Colton]

I can see he's. He's grinding against the podium. I know it's gonna be sexual.

[Troy]

I just. I just need it for inspiration. Is that so wrong?

[Colton]

Yes.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

No. Go ahead, Cole. Go ahead. Go ahead, Topi.

[Troy]

My mouth waters in anticipation. Slim Jim, I guess. But I prefer a thick dick. As I unwrap.

[Colton]

This is the same.

[Troy]

The meaty wand.

[Colton]

This is the same.

[Troy]

The meaty wand starts to press against my lips. It gives purchase.

[Colton]

Our last prompt was beef jerky. This is the same poem.

[Troy]

No, I've changed some words.

[Colton]

I don't think so. I remember it vividly.

[Troy]

Oh, yeah, I guess I forgot.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Keep going. Keep going. It's going great.

[Troy]

I lost my place.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

It's okay. Just start at a random spot.

[Troy]

No. My home.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

I know, I know. You're an orphan. You lost both your parents.

[Troy]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Keep going. Keep going. Okay, you can skip to the end if you want.

[Colton]

No way is Toby gonna win Horniest Orphan as the superlatives. I definitely got that one, Steven.

[Troy]

I'm horny. I'm horny orphan.

[Colton]

I got it locked down. My parents are gone and I want to fuck so bad.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

Just skip to the end of your poem, Toby. Sorry about Stephen.

[Troy]

Can I have excused to the bathroom?

[Mrs. Sullivan]

No.

[Troy]

I shit my pants.

[Mrs. Sullivan]

And that's never been an excuse to leave my class before. And I'm not starting today.

[Troy]

Okay.

[Colton]

If we could get out of here. By shitting your pants, you goddamn guarantee I could be shitting my pants right now? I would be shitting my pants.

[Troy]

I'd be embarrassed. But I really just didn't have anybody to teach me how to be embarrassed. So this is Sloppily Sucking beef Jerky by Toby. No last name because I'm.

[Colton]

Oh, fuck. He's gonna win Best Orphan. He's gonna win Best Orphan for sure. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com heyriddle riddle.