Patreon Preview #332: Public Access 14

Summary

Podcast Summary: Hey Riddle Riddle – Patreon Preview #332: Public Access 14

Episode Overview

In the Patreon Preview episode titled "Public Access 14," released on July 18, 2025, the "Hey Riddle Riddle" podcast delves into a hilariously absurd classroom scenario. Hosted by Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan of Headgum, the trio navigates a fictional tale where a teacher meets an unconventional demise. While the podcast typically explores riddles and puzzles, this episode diverges into comedic storytelling, showcasing the hosts' improvisational prowess.

Introduction to the Incident

The episode kicks off with Alex introducing his favorite riddle, "Stop that. Laughing at the back," which quickly spirals into an outrageous narrative. The scenario revolves around a teacher, Mr. Johnson, who tragically dies from an overabundance of flatulence—an event streamed live to the entire town.

Mr. Johnson’s Response

Mr. Johnson takes center stage as he sternly addresses his unruly class:

“This is not funny. I cannot stress this enough. This is not. Look at me. This is not funny. Your teacher.”
— Mr. Johnson (00:07)

He attempts to maintain order and seriousness, emphasizing the gravity of the situation:

“...how far in was the one that blasted him back into the chalkboard? Stop, stop, stop. Stop that laughing in the back.”
— Mr. Johnson (02:40)

Students’ Attempts at Lightening the Mood

Despite Mr. Johnson's earnest demeanor, students Alex and Charlie persist in injecting humor into the discussion about their teacher's demise. They recount the bizarre circumstances leading to Mr. Johnson's untimely death, peppering their narrative with exaggerated and comedic details.

Charlie's humorous interjections include:

“He farted himself to death.”
— Charlie (00:34)

And Alex adds his own flair:

“In our defense, it was riveting. Was the best 50 minutes of my life.”
— Alex (03:47)

Describing the Absurd Events

The hosts vividly describe the sequence of events leading up to and following Mr. Johnson's death. From breaking fluorescent lights to unintended aerobatic feats propelled by relentless flatulence, the story becomes increasingly outlandish.

Notable descriptions include:

“...he broke the fluorescent light by flying up to the ceiling.”
— Mr. Johnson (02:10)

“He blew back through the wall, left again, went out to the parking lot, and then his fart blew him up into the...”
— Mr. Johnson (09:39)

Humorous Dialogue and Visual Imagery

Charlie and Alex engage in playful banter, creating vivid and comical imagery of the events. They describe Mr. Johnson's attempts to use the eyewash station, his pants being shredded by his own flatulence, and even liken his final moments to iconic cinematic scenes.

Examples include:

“He was trying to open the windows. He did, which I thought was very kind. And then you guys closed them to keep the pressure in the room.”
— Charlie (06:42)

“Like a looney tune. It was very human.”
— Charlie (06:24)

Mr. Johnson’s Frustration and Attempts to Regulate the Class

Throughout the episode, Mr. Johnson consistently urges his students to refrain from laughing, emphasizing the seriousness of their teacher’s condition. His repeated calls to silence highlight his frustration:

“Stop that laughing in the back.”
— Mr. Johnson (multiple timestamps)

Despite his efforts, the students' relentless humor undermines his authority, culminating in a chaotic and humorous classroom environment.

Climax and Emotional Turn

As the narrative progresses, the episode reaches a climax where the students attempt to honor their deceased teacher with a moment of silence. However, the humor persists as they struggle to maintain decorum:

“This is a moment of silence starting now.”
— Mr. Johnson (10:37)

“Why are they all eating chili?”
— Charlie (10:50)

The situation escalates comically when the "moment of silence" is interrupted by more farting incidents, blending solemnity with absurdity.

Conclusion and Lessons Learned

In the final segments, Mr. Johnson imparts a lesson on the importance of seeking help, contrasting the humorous tragedy with a meaningful takeaway:

“I hope you earned a valuable lesson about actually asking for help.”
— Mr. Johnson (10:15)

However, the episode concludes on a light-hearted note as the students continue their antics, leaving listeners with a blend of humor and an underlying message about responsibility and empathy.

Notable Quotes and Timestamps

• Mr. Johnson on Seriousness:
  “This is not funny. I cannot stress this enough.”
  — Mr. Johnson (00:07)

• Charlie's Description of the Incident:
  “He farted himself to death.”
  — Charlie (00:34)

• Alex's Defense of the Laughter:
  “In our defense, it was riveting. Was the best 50 minutes of my life.”
  — Alex (03:47)

• Mr. Johnson's Final Plea:
  “Don't laugh in the back. Do not laugh. They're in mourning.”
  — Mr. Johnson (10:39)

• Closing Reflection:
  “I hope you earned a valuable lesson about actually asking for help.”
  — Mr. Johnson (10:15)

Episode Highlights

• Absurdist Humor: The episode leverages over-the-top humor to create an engaging and entertaining narrative.

• Dynamic Interactions: The interplay between Mr. Johnson's attempts to maintain seriousness and the students' relentless humor showcases the hosts' improvisational skills.

• Visual and Auditory Imagery: Detailed descriptions and sound effects enhance the comedic impact, immersing listeners in the chaotic classroom scenario.

• Underlying Message: Amidst the humor, the episode subtly conveys the importance of empathy and seeking assistance in times of distress.

Conclusion

"Public Access 14" serves as a testament to the "Hey Riddle Riddle" hosts' ability to craft engaging and humorous narratives beyond their typical content focus. Through a blend of absurdist storytelling and sharp improvisation, the episode offers listeners a memorable and laughter-filled experience, all while hinting at deeper lessons about responsibility and compassion.

Transcript

[Alex]

And the last one is Stop that. Laughing at the back, which is my favorite one listed. Stop that. Laughing at the back.

[Mr. Johnson]

At the back. Okay, okay. Everybody take a seat. Quiet down. Okay, okay, okay. This is about what happened yesterday. This is not funny. I cannot stress this enough. This is not. Look at me. This is not funny. Your teacher. Hey, hey.

[Charlie]

Is he gonna be okay?

[Mr. Johnson]

No. He farted himself to death. Now, hold on.

[Charlie]

I didn't know it was to death.

[Mr. Johnson]

This is being streamed to the whole town, and this is very serious. Okay? You were the last class that he had. You guys saw it go down. The authority.

[Alex]

Hey, question.

[Mr. Johnson]

Yep.

[Charlie]

Could we just laugh for like.

[Mr. Johnson]

No. You can't get it out of your systems. You can't.

[Charlie]

Why not?

[Mr. Johnson]

Because yesterday, can you imagine the hell of dying by fart? And there's an entire classroom of children not calling for help, not running for help, but laughing in your face. That's the last sound he heard.

[Alex]

Well, not the last sound.

[Charlie]

I mean, yes. Hey, we lived it. We lived it. We could imagine.

[Alex]

We can't hit the ceiling.

[Mr. Johnson]

We have the footage. We know the momentum.

[Charlie]

Play it.

[Alex]

Play it.

[Charlie]

Stop the laughing. Play it.

[Alex]

Play it.

[Mr. Johnson]

Stop the laughing in the back. Hey.

[Alex]

You simply must play the footage.

[Mr. Johnson]

No, we will in a minute. We will in a minute because we all need to talk about what happened. We're going to do a play by play and you're going to let me know what happened. Okay?

[Alex]

Okay.

[Charlie]

Well, you know what happened? He farted himself to death.

[Mr. Johnson]

What happened before the farting?

[Alex]

I guess. Teacher was making a weird face and holding his tummy.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Alex]

And then.

[Mr. Johnson]

This is not funny.

[Charlie]

I think we're telling you what happened.

[Mr. Johnson]

Yes.

[Alex]

Everyone processes grief differently.

[Mr. Johnson]

He said something. Yeah. He broke the fluorescent light by flying up to the ceiling.

[Charlie]

Said something like. The exact quote was like, I shouldn't have had so much chili.

[Mr. Johnson]

Hey, stop.

[Alex]

And then I guess after.

[Charlie]

That's what he sounded like after that.

[Alex]

Was the first fart. And then the class hamster died.

[Mr. Johnson]

We know. Double tragedy. And I know it's not funny.

[Charlie]

We don't know that he died.

[Mr. Johnson]

He died.

[Charlie]

He held up a little sign that said, I carumba. And then he keeled over.

[Mr. Johnson]

Hey, stop. Stop it. Stop it. Which of the farts. How far in was the one that blasted him back into the chalkboard? Stop, stop, stop. Stop that laughing in the back.

[Charlie]

It was all the farts. Every fart blasted deeper into the chalkboard. Look at the hole. You're seeing the hole.

[Alex]

It was a process.

[Mr. Johnson]

I need a.

[Charlie]

You think you get a Four foot divot and a chalkboard.

[Mr. Johnson]

This was not just a teacher.

[Alex]

He worked for it.

[Mr. Johnson]

This was not just a teacher. This was a father. This was a husband. This was a volunteer firefighter. This was someone who. Who did community theater at night. Yes.

[Alex]

Can I ask something?

[Charlie]

It showed in his performance.

[Mr. Johnson]

Declan. What?

[Alex]

About 12 to 13 minutes in all, the other teachers came into the classroom and also watched along. Are they in trouble as well?

[Mr. Johnson]

Yes.

[Charlie]

Are we in trouble?

[Mr. Johnson]

You're in the biggest trouble. This was a 50 minute episode. You had 50 minutes to call 911, call for an ambulance run, and get help from me, the principal. You could have done anything. And he died. Cause you guys were laughing and laughing. Hey, stop it.

[Alex]

In our defense, it was riveting.

[Mr. Johnson]

Stop.

[Alex]

Was the best 50 minutes of my life.

[Charlie]

I could tell he had community theater chops because of kind of how he was milking it and hamming it up to a certain degree.

[Mr. Johnson]

He wasn't. He was in agony.

[Charlie]

He was making sounds that didn't necessarily equate to agony.

[Mr. Johnson]

Like what?

[Charlie]

Like don't make me do it. Awooga, awooga.

[Mr. Johnson]

Laughing in the back.

[Alex]

How mana, how mana help me. How mana? How mana help me?

[Mr. Johnson]

Doink.

[Charlie]

He said doink a lot. And he was saying doink.

[Alex]

Yeah. And he kept saying, my pants. Oh, my pants.

[Mr. Johnson]

Speaking of his pants, how far in did his pants blow off?

[Alex]

Well, they were Carhartt, so they lasted longer than they should.

[Charlie]

They stood much longer.

[Alex]

Built farm tough.

[Mr. Johnson]

Yeah, Don't.

[Charlie]

But it wasn't really that the pants blew off in one burst. It was more that they were shredded. As the.

[Mr. Johnson]

His family is planning a funeral right now, and they don't know what to say. They don't know what to put in the packages.

[Charlie]

I would say don't do open casket.

[Alex]

Closed casket for sure. His ass is ruined.

[Mr. Johnson]

Stop that. Laughing in the back. Stop it. People are watching this at home.

[Charlie]

Why?

[Mr. Johnson]

Because we're holding you accountable.

[Charlie]

This is being streamed out.

[Mr. Johnson]

Yes, of course.

[Alex]

At one point he went in the air. Like, you know those wind tunnels that you can go into where you're wearing a suit? Like open your arms or close them?

[Mr. Johnson]

Yeah. Indoor skydiving.

[Alex]

Indoor skydiving. At one point it was like 15 minutes of that and it was beautiful. He looked like an angel.

[Charlie]

He tried to use the eyewash station and he blew all of the water back into the eyewash station. And then it corroded the spout that it was coming out of. Like it was. The stinkiness was like acidic in some way.

[Mr. Johnson]

Okay, let's Just try to get the timeline right. What order do you remember happening? You walked into the classroom and then what happened?

[Charlie]

Sat down a big bowl of chili.

[Alex]

Sat down big bowl of chili on the desk, I would say.

[Mr. Johnson]

Thought you said it was cheese.

[Charlie]

No, it was chili, but there was definitely cheese in it.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Charlie]

I don't think that what came out of him would have been possible without the assistant.

[Mr. Johnson]

Stop that laughing in the back.

[Alex]

I also wanna mention, I don't know if anyone has gone on record, but at some point it got so bad he put his finger in his. I don't know the medical term, butthole. And then he got a real funny face and he started coming out his.

[Charlie]

Mouth and he clamped his hand over his mouth and then it started coming out the butthole. Then he did hand over the butthole.

[Alex]

Started coming out of his penis.

[Mr. Johnson]

Stop laughing in the back.

[Charlie]

Then it came out of his ears.

[Mr. Johnson]

Oh, then the steam came out of his ear.

[Charlie]

Well, it wasn't steam, it was farts. But it looked and sounded like the whistle of steam. And then he clapped his hands over his ears and his eyeballs bulged out with farts.

[Alex]

Like a looney tune. And at some point, I wouldn't say.

[Charlie]

Like a looney tune. It was very human.

[Alex]

Yeah, like the mask maybe.

[Charlie]

Yeah, like the map.

[Mr. Johnson]

Stop laughing in the back.

[Alex]

He kept saying, I'm being cooked alive.

[Mr. Johnson]

Stop. And then he tried to open the windows. He did, which I thought was very kind. And then you guys closed them to keep the pressure in the room.

[Charlie]

That's not why we closed them. We opened the window. And then he unfortunately did see a very pretty lady out on the street. And I think he was getting horny. Well, it doesn't matter if he's married, He's a man. He was getting horny.

[Alex]

He's a red blooded American woman.

[Charlie]

He was getting horny by seeing a very. And we don't know if the woman could have been his wife because I know his wife works close by. But he was getting very horny and he was starting to make a. Awooga. Awooga.

[Alex]

His face turned wolfish.

[Mr. Johnson]

I would say. Unrelated to the fart.

[Charlie]

Well, no, but the horniness was mixing with the farts and it was creating sort of an unholy blend between.

[Mr. Johnson]

Stop that laughing in the back. Stop that laughing in the back.

[Alex]

At one point he did call the hospital.

[Mr. Johnson]

Oh, he did.

[Charlie]

He got the hospital on the phone.

[Alex]

But he was farting so much they thought it was a prank and they hung up on him.

[Mr. Johnson]

And remind me again, what Sign. Did the hamster hold up?

[Alex]

Die caramba.

[Mr. Johnson]

Stop. Stop that laughing in the back.

[Charlie]

I made the sign for Spanish class. I don't know how the hamster got it. It wasn't for him.

[Alex]

But then on the reverse side, he turned it around and it said, die caramba.

[Mr. Johnson]

Yeah.

[Alex]

And then big X's. Big X's fall over his eyes.

[Charlie]

Over his eyes.

[Alex]

And then there's a big. I don't know where it came from, but there was sort of like a noise that was like. Sort of like Ren and Stimpy when they should do a close up of someone's armpit or something.

[Charlie]

Oh, yeah. I didn't even associate that with the farting. But now that I'm thinking about it, that was definitely a noise that came.

[Mr. Johnson]

Out of the movie. One of the farts turned all the pages of the book that you guys were reading to a certain page. What book was it? And what did the page say? Stop that laughing in the back. Stop.

[Charlie]

We were reading the Catcher in the Rye and it blew some letters off of the COVID and turned it into the farter. Smells like style. Okay, so some letters got blown onto the book. Yeah. Huh.

[Mr. Johnson]

You want to think of maybe another one?

[Charlie]

Sure. And I could think of one more.

[Alex]

Oof.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Alex]

Madame Bovary. Shit. And. Oh, fuck.

[Charlie]

We were reading the Giver and it got changed to the shitter.

[Alex]

Yes. We don't know where the S in the H in the.

[Charlie]

And we don't have all the answers to these questions.

[Mr. Johnson]

Okay, well, you guys will be assigned a new teacher.

[Charlie]

No, no, we want our old dad. Oh, that's right.

[Alex]

Did he leave us, like, a VHS or something?

[Mr. Johnson]

Stop to laughing.

[Charlie]

I forgot he died.

[Alex]

Did he leave us, like, a VHS to play?

[Mr. Johnson]

In case he did. He wanted me to roll in the tv, into the classroom and show you guys.

[Charlie]

Have you seen the video yet or.

[Mr. Johnson]

I know what it is. I haven't.

[Alex]

You're laughing.

[Charlie]

You haven't seen it.

[Alex]

Is it gonna be like sports bloopers where it's like. And it's gonna be him farting?

[Mr. Johnson]

Yes.

[Charlie]

I forgot. I forgot he died because he did. He stopped farting and he said, oh, I'm okay. I don't know what that was. And he walked out of the classroom, and then we heard him kind of fart and, like, bang off of things. Like a rocket ship going down the hallway, banging off lockers.

[Alex]

He hit the ceiling fan at some point.

[Charlie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mr. Johnson]

You could hear him hitting lockers.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Mr. Johnson]

And then what happened was. I know what happened.

[Charlie]

He blew back through the wall. Like a Kool Aid man.

[Alex]

Yeah. And he did say. Well, he said, oh, no. He screamed, oh, no.

[Mr. Johnson]

He blew back through the wall, left again, went out to the parking lot, and then his fart blew him up into the.

[Charlie]

Oh, my God.

[Mr. Johnson]

I'm crying. Cried.

[Alex]

Oh, my gosh.

[Mr. Johnson]

Got electrocuted. He got electrocuted? Yes. I've known him 20 years. He's worked at the school.

[Charlie]

He got electrocuted.

[Mr. Johnson]

He got into. He got blown into all the wires.

[Charlie]

He got blown into all the wires and he kept going. It was kind of like. As he went up, it was kind of like. What's it called in Dr. Strangelove? Guy on the.

[Alex]

Cowboy on the bomb.

[Charlie]

Cowboy on the bomb.

[Alex]

Slim Pickens.

[Charlie]

Slim Pickens.

[Mr. Johnson]

You know what we're going to do.

[Charlie]

But it was reverse Slim Pickens just going up into the clouds.

[Mr. Johnson]

I hope you earned a valuable lesson about actually asking for help.

[Charlie]

Yes.

[Mr. Johnson]

This is sort of a bystander effect that no one.

[Charlie]

We have learned our lesson.

[Mr. Johnson]

Okay, great. And let's just do a moment of silence.

[Charlie]

Can we watch the video?

[Mr. Johnson]

We can, but one moment of silence in honor of the teacher.

[Alex]

Whoa. We haven't had a moment in silence in 50 minutes.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Alex]

When he was dying.

[Mr. Johnson]

Don't laugh in the back. Okay. Moment of silence.

[Alex]

Oh, his family's coming in.

[Mr. Johnson]

Yep. This is super serious. Nobody left. Do not laugh. Do not laugh. They're in mourning. Right.

[Charlie]

This is his family.

[Mr. Johnson]

It's a moment of silence starting now.

[Charlie]

Why are they all eating chili?

[Mr. Johnson]

Stop this.

[Alex]

Is that to honor his memory?

[Charlie]

Does the whole family really like chili?

[Mr. Johnson]

Stop asking questions.

[Charlie]

Okay, but I'm just wondering because they're eating a lot of chili.

[Mr. Johnson]

Oh, no.

[Charlie]

Oh, too much chili.

[Alex]

Oh, no. It's happening again.

[Charlie]

I'm eating too much chili.

[Mr. Johnson]

Sorry. No. I made the video. Start playing. Turn off. Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off.

[Charlie]

Well, he's eating chili in the video, too. I don't think this is on us.

[Mr. Johnson]

Scene.

[Charlie]

One, two, three, four.

[Mr. Johnson]

Hate riddle.

[Charlie]

Riddles. Clue Crew, listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven day trial at patreon. Com. Hey, Riddle. Riddle.