Patreon Preview #352: The Nativity Pageant

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #352: The Nativity Pageant

Date: December 5, 2025
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan
Main Theme:
A wildly improvised “first rehearsal” for a church nativity pageant, featuring comically bad casting decisions, local sponsor infiltration, kid and parent rivalries, and ongoing church drama – all performed in classic Hey Riddle Riddle meta style. While satirizing community theater mishaps and church politics, the trio uses this setup as a springboard for characters, riffs, and rapid-fire jokes.

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Episode Overview

The gang stages a hilarious and chaotic table read of a church’s annual nativity pageant rehearsal. Characters vie for desired roles, local sponsors angle for speaking parts, an exasperated organizer tries to steer the meeting, and everyone’s personal business or petty grievance threatens to derail the process. Along the way, they riff on community theater tropes, holiday stress, and the fraught mix of earnestness and low-stakes ego at the heart of small town traditions.

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Key Discussion Points & Comedic Set Pieces

1. Rehearsal Chaos & Cast Rivalries

• [00:34] The “church director” (Erin) tries to settle the group for the pageant’s first rehearsal.
  • Memorable line: “Welcome to the first rehearsal of St. Wenceslas on the Hills annual nativity pageant. Give yourselves a round of applause.” (B - Erin, 00:38)
• Persistent parent “Nancy” (JPC) pleads for her five-year-old daughter Mary to be cast as Mary.
  • Nancy: “I named my daughter Mary... assuming she would grow up into the role of playing Mary... She has not been cast yet.” (C - JPC, 02:03)
  • Director reminds that the role is for an adult, not a peanut-butter-covered, screaming five-year-old.

2. Sponsor Power Moves – The Subaru Dealer

• Local car dealer “Big Ed” (Adal) angling for the role of Baby Jesus in exchange for sponsorship.
  • Big Ed: “Subaru cuts a check for this whole thing. Merry Christmas. So I’ll be playing Baby Jesus.” (A - Adal, 03:26)
  • Wry product placement jokes riff on church funding and local sponsorship.
  • Director’s exasperation: “Baby Jesus is always played by the baby that... was born closest to when the pageant comes out.” (B - Erin, 04:15)
• Sub-theme: constant attempts to “trade” parts for perks (e.g., Subaru leases) and gentle ribbing about church finances.
  • Big Ed: “Well, the bottom line is what I say the bottom line is. And there are prime leases on really good Subarus. These are 2026 Subarus.” (A - Adal, 05:50)

3. Church Politics & Pseudo-Inclusivity

• Internal debates about casting, tradition versus innovation, and grievances from past controversies.
  • The director references past years’ “controversial choices” and viral moments.
  • Nancy: “We had a Chihuahua play the donkey last year. So I’m not sure why we’re tightening our belt...” (C - JPC, 02:49)
  • Director: “It made national news. I’ll give it that.” (B - Erin, 03:01)

4. Random Song Suggestions & Original Content

• “Blair Sheldon” (Adal), local community theater director, wants to write original songs.
  • Director: “We’re doing Oh Holy Night. We’re doing Silent Night. ... We’re doing Herod’s song.” (B - Erin, 13:57)
  • Blair: “I’m going for like a completely different creative choice for Herod’s song this year.” (A - Adal, 14:23)
  • Suggests a “King Tut” style number, causing a minor uproar.

5. Miscellaneous Meta Jokes and In-Jokes

• Extended riffs about mixing up Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, James Corden, and “Jimmy Corden.”
  • “I love carpool karaoke.” / “That’s James Corden.” (A - Adal and B - Erin, 12:01)
• Bits about “minutes” vs. “notes” for meetings, leading to a bowling joke:
  • Caroline: “Oh my God, Caroline, that might not be helpful.” (A - Adal, 12:33)
  • “Three strikes is really good in bowling.” (A - Adal, 13:00)
  • “Anybody bowls a perfect game gets a Subaru.” (A - Adal, 13:05)

6. Pop Culture Cameos and Zeitgeist Decisions

• Annual tradition of including a pop culture figure in the nativity.
  • Past example: “One year we had Steve Bannon, and that did not go over super well. 2017, we did Steve Bannon.” (B - Erin, 11:35)
  • This year: “Glinda and Elphaba” from Wicked will bring gifts to Baby Jesus (13:07).
  • Director: “Some of our teen gals would be very excited to play Alphabet and Glinda.” (B - Erin, 13:25)

7. Grudges, Escalades, and Peanut Allergy Plotlines

• Banter about Cadillac Escalades vs. Honda Accolades; confusion over makes/models injected into church drama.
  • “Cadillac has Escalade and I think Honda makes the accolades.” (C - JPC, 04:12)
• References to sticky, allergy-prone children (“always covered in peanut butter”).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “For Jesus birthday, I’m buying a Honda.” (A - Adal, 01:05)
• “It made national news. I’ll give it that. It made national news.” (C - JPC, 03:01)
• “Subaru cuts a check for this whole thing. Merry Christmas.” (A - Adal, 03:26)
• “The cast is the cast. No tradesies, no take backs, no changing. It’s set in stone.” (B - Erin, 01:37)
• “We went viral, Nancy, and that helped a lot with the church.” (B - Erin, 03:04)
• “Blair, can I be honest? It feels like you’re constantly just trying to get in the front page of the local paper.” (B - Erin, 14:29)
• “I’m going to do it like King Tut. Has that been done?” / “Steve Martin?” (A - Adal and C - JPC, 14:37)
• “Anybody bowls a perfect game gets a Subaru.” (A - Adal, 13:05)

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Timestamps – Segment Guide

• 00:34: Director welcomes the cast, attempts to start rehearsal – immediate chaos.
• 01:57: Nancy’s campaign for her daughter as Mary.
• 03:14: Big Ed/Subaru saga begins.
• 04:29: Rules for Baby Jesus casting explained; further sponsor shenanigans.
• 08:46: On including pop culture figures in the nativity; previous controversies discussed.
• 13:05: Glinda and Elphaba announced for this year's pageant; in-jokes pile up.
• 13:28: Blair Sheldon lobbying for new songs; debate over show tunes.
• 14:43: “Quick five” break called after cursing scandal.
• 15:06: Big Ed tries to work in a Subaru commercial.

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Tone & Style

The episode is a gentle roast of small-town holiday traditions, delivered in Hey Riddle Riddle’s signature style: playful, slightly absurd, and peppered with improv tangents. Banter remains mostly clean but dips into mild irreverence and meta comedy, especially about church, theater, and sponsorship.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode is less about riddles and more a masterclass in improv comedy masquerading as a dysfunctional church pageant meeting. Listeners are treated to a barrage of inside jokes, pop culture references, local sponsorship jabs, and improvisers at the top of their game, portraying a vividly believable (and deeply silly) cast of small-town characters. Even those unfamiliar with the show or actual pageants will appreciate the affectionate mockery and rapid-fire wit.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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Okay, everybody settle. Settle down. Settle.

Welcome to the first rehearsal of St. Wenceslas on the Hills annual nativity pageant. Give yourselves a round of applause.

[A]

Mumbling mice, mighty night.

[C]

She brews a proper cup of coffee in a copper coffee pot.

[B]

I wish today was just.

Seasonal merriment and being excited for the show, but I just want to kick this off with a little bit of honesty.

[A]

For Jesus birthday, I'm buying a Honda.

[B]

I think everyone's pretty warmed up. We're not really going to be doing any performing today. It's more of like a meeting to get us started.

[C]

Don't be dull. The inn is full.

[B]

Yeah, I feel like we don't really need to be warmed up.

[A]

I would love my crostini and my Mac and cheese panini.

[B]

And can we just do the church sanctioned warmups please? If we're gonna do them, I would love to not get any more emails complaining about casting.

I did my best. I know that we've had a few years of some controversial choices that I've made casting wise, but the cast is the cast. No tradesies, no take backs, no changing. It's set in stone. We're gonna move forward. Something someone wants to say? I can hear some throat clearing.

[C]

Yes. Sorry, Rebecca. Hi, my name is Nancy.

[B]

Hi, Nancy.

[C]

I feel like everyone kind of knows me. I named my daughter Mary when she was born five years ago. Kind of assuming she would grow up into the role of playing Mary now. She has not been cast yet. I feel like the last couple years she was primed and pumped to portray Mary and I feel like we have really let down the kids. We've really let down the kids.

[B]

I'm gonna reiterate what I said to you in the email. Mary is a grown woman role, not a role for a five year old. She's the mother of Jesus. A Five year old can't possibly carry the amount of lines and weight. And your child Mary is kind of constantly covered in peanut butter and won't stop screaming. We need.

[C]

Well, that's your opinion. We had a Chihuahua play the donkey last year. So I'm not sure why we're tightening our belt when it comes to the church.

[B]

Nancy, that got a round of applause. It made the whole church laugh.

[C]

It made national news. I'll give it that. It made national news.

[B]

We went viral, Nancy, and that helped a lot with the church.

[A]

I got not really a question, more of a comment. Big Ed, Singleton Subaru.

[B]

Big Ed. We know.

[A]

Yeah. I'll be playing Baby Jesus this year.

[B]

See, you can't just announce what you're gonna be playing. We usually have whatever baby that Singleton.

[A]

Subaru cuts a check for this whole thing. Merry Christmas. So I'll be playing Baby Jesus. Baby Jesus. Don't have lines.

[B]

Big Head, we are so grateful for you and the contributions that you're coming.

[A]

Please. I do it out of the goodness of my own heart. I never would. I mean, it's Christmas time. Of course. I don't do it for the accolades. I don't do it for the Escalades. Singleton Subaru. But I'll be playing Baby Jesus.

[C]

Subaru.

[A]

Well, we do used cars as well, so we do have several Escalades on the lot and we do service for those as well. Service thrown in. Service with a touch. Singleton Subaru. Subaru. You know you can do badoo.

[C]

Escalade I think is you.

[B]

You know you can dobadoo.

[A]

I'll be playing Baby Jesus this year. There's no objections. Who am I taking it from?

[B]

What were you saying about Cadillacs, Nancy?

[C]

I think Cadillac has Escalade and I think Honda makes the accolades.

[B]

Thank you, Nancy. Thank you, Big Ed. I'm going to tell you what I said to you in the email. Baby Jesus is always played by the baby that is in the church that was born closest to when the pageant comes out.

[A]

We just settled it with Big Ed. It's all good.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Our baby doesn't need to be in the play. We settled it with Big Head. We're all good.

[B]

See, this is what I mean, everybody. We are not. There's no trade.

[A]

I gave him a Subaru.

[B]

There's no trading. There's no blackmailing and buyback.

[A]

It's a lease. It's an outback. It's a lease. It's a two year lease though.

[C]

Who do I have a great fight to have my daughter Play Mary.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, everybody, let's just settle down.

[A]

We actually really need a car with the baby, so it's actually. It works out really well.

[B]

Baby Teddy, as of right now, is playing Jesus, but we are not 100% sure because Ellen is pregnant. She's nine months pregnant, and she could be giving birth. If any fresh baby is the one that will be playing Jesus.

[C]

Fresh baby.

[B]

So do not be giving out Subarus.

[A]

I don't feel comfortable having my, like, 10 day old baby being in a outdoor play.

[B]

You okay? We're all a part of this church. We all care so much. Raise your hand if you care about Jesus. Thank you.

[C]

Raising both hands.

[B]

Raise your hands if you care about being a part of a church community. I. I work tirelessly all year on this. I only make $180,000 a year doing church admin.

[A]

We're good. We're all good. My baby will do it.

If she's born, she'll do it.

[B]

What happened?

[A]

I don't want to say what happened.

[B]

Big Ed, stop handing out Subarus. It cannot be good for the bottom line.

[A]

Well, I mean, the bottom line is what I say the bottom line is. And their prime lease is on really good subarus. These are 2026 subarus.

[B]

No, a lease is not a good deal. A lease is not a good deal. Don't.

[A]

Elise.

[C]

No.

[B]

Elise. I'm so sorry, Elise. You're treasured here.

[C]

Oh, she's offended. Oh, sweetie.

[B]

No, it's. Elise. Elise, you're fantastic.

[A]

Okay, thank gosh.

[B]

You're gonna be one of the shepherds. You're incredible, Elise. You're the heart and soul of this place.

[A]

Wait, I thought I was playing King Wenceslas.

[B]

No, that is. Big Ed did pay. I'll go tomorrow morning. So he's gonna come in. He gets to come down from the ceiling and sort of do the big thing.

[A]

Little Ed's gonna be playing King Wenceslas as he does every year.

[B]

Oh, brother.

[A]

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[C]

Excuse me, you two travelers. I'm from a different time, and I need to know how things work in this time.

[B]

What's my hair color in 2028? What's my hair color in 2029? What's my hair color?

[C]

Oh, I'm from the past.

[B]

Oh, that makes more sense.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, hey, look, we don't really have time for whatever this scam is, so could you just tell us how much money you need and we'll kind of be on our way?

[C]

500 bucks.

[A]

Okay, well, hey, 500 bucks if you have that kind of money? Squarespace? Well, hold on. Wait. How do I tie this in? How do I tie this in? I won't. I'll just say. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. And hey, street con man, maybe if you had a Squarespace website, you wouldn't have to approach people on the street.

[C]

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[B]

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[C]

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[A]

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[B]

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[C]

Wait, don't listen to that guy. I'm actually from the past and need that website.

[A]

Okay, so it's gonna be a bidding war on that fake website.

[C]

What is a website?

[B]

There we go. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Countdown over. It's the holiday season. Time to buy gifts. I'm so excited. I'm gonna decorate. I'm gonna buy gifts.

[A]

Aaron, Aaron, slow down. You sound and look stressed, but Uncommon Goods takes the stress out of gifting with thousands of unique, high quality finds you won't see anywhere else. Now, Aaron, how does that make you feel?

[B]

Oh, I feel way better.

[C]

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[A]

Mm. Mm.

[B]

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[A]

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[C]

And, Ms. Keef, can I tell you, last year, my parents got me Common Goods. I got, like, a bag of flour and a brick.

[B]

Well, that's no fun.

[C]

No, I want Uncommon Goods.

[B]

That won't do. You know what? If you're like me, buy some Christmas ornaments. Get some Christmas candles. Get some stuff for Christmas and put it in your house.

[A]

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[C]

But don't take it from them. Take it from me, Cousin Kringle.

[B]

That's fun.

[A]

That's fun.

[B]

Probably should have done it at the beginning, though, right?

[C]

Huh?

[A]

Stay on that side of the street. Oh. Stay over there.

[C]

Do you need me to start the ad?

[A]

No, stay.

[B]

Everybody say thank you, Ms. Erin. I thanked you guys in the other ones.

[A]

You want to thank me?

[B]

Not getting thanked?

Yes. We got a question. We got another throat clear.

[C]

Yeah, I was going to ask Tom here. Tom, everyone knows me. I was going to. Every year, we also.

[B]

Tom, everyone knows you.

[C]

Every year, we kind of have, like, a character or a person from pop culture, whoever's big in the news. We also include them as kind of like a fun little tip of the hat. Who from this year do we think has been sort of in the zeitgeist the most or makes the most sense to kind of have portrayed?

[B]

That was gonna be the next point of discussion on our meeting. Uh, obviously, this year has been pretty controversial. Uh, lot of pain in the world. We're not really sure who to put. So I was gonna run it by the group, but it makes me nervous. Cause, honestly, we've had some misses in the past.

[C]

I was thinking, like, Olivia Rodrigo.

[B]

Right? I think that that's in the right direction, because one year we had Steve Bannon, and that did not go over super well. 2017, we did Steve Bannon.

[A]

What about Jimmy Kimmel?

[B]

See, this is Like a hot button issue.

[C]

He could use a win, and people.

[B]

Confuse him and Jimmy Fallon. I don't know.

[A]

Oh, that's who I meant.

[B]

Right. But why would. Why would you mean Jimmy Fallon then?

[A]

I love carpool karaoke.

[B]

That's James Corden.

[A]

Oh, good.

[C]

No, Jimmy Corden.

[B]

Okay. Okay, you know what? What if we.

[A]

They all shouldn't have J names.

[C]

I agree. I second that. Can we put that in the notes in the minutes?

[B]

Yeah, you know, let's just. You know what we're gonna do? I'm gonna make a decision. I'm gonna make a choice.

[A]

I'm sorry, Our minutes notes, are those the same thing?

[B]

Yes, I've.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. I've just been writing down what minute it is. Oh, my God, Caroline, that might not be helpful.

[B]

Caroline, this is.

[A]

And I'm looking down at what I've written down, and I've missed some minutes, too.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Cause I was getting. I was in it.

[B]

What strike was this? Well, the one before this one. What strike was it?

[A]

Oh, the writers. Writers strike.

[B]

No, what strike? You remember, you got two strikes. So this is your third strike.

[A]

This is it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's good. Wait, are we doing bowling rules?

[B]

No, no, no, no.

[C]

Oh, turkey. Turkey.

[A]

Three strikes is really good in bowling.

[C]

Carolyn got a turkey.

[B]

No, that's.

[A]

Anybody bowls a Perfect Game Gets Subaru.

[B]

I'm going to make an executive choice. Glinda and Elphaba will be in this year's pageant. They are going to come and give a gift to Bas. Baby Jesus that is in the zeitgeist. I'm sure some of our teen gals would be very excited to play Alphabet and Glinda. Perfect. We're done. We're good. Anything else people want to talk about before we get this nativity up on its feet?

[A]

Yeah. I have a question. Blair Sheldon. I am the. Well, I run the community theater in town.

[B]

Yes, Blair, we're well aware.

[C]

You're Blake's brother, right?

[A]

I am Blake's brother. I don't like to make a big deal of it, but I'm also.

[B]

It's hot in here. Why are you wearing a scarf and a beret?

[A]

It's Christmas. It's the Christmas season. My question is, how many songs am I writing for this year's pageant?

[B]

Zero.

[A]

Oh, so we're all just. It's only classic songs. It's no originals.

[B]

We're doing oh, Holy Night. We're doing Silent Night. We're doing what Child Is This? We're doing Herod's song.

[A]

Herod's song is a great classic Christmas song.

[B]

We all saw you this year in your production of Jesus Christ Superstar. We all went. As a church. We all went. We didn't get a single comp. And you did so great. But I don't know if we need to recreate or try to recapture that magic in the Nativity.

[A]

No, I'm not going for a recapture. I'm going for like a completely different creative choice for Herod's song this year.

[B]

Blair, can I be honest? It feels like you're constantly just trying to get in the front page of the local paper.

[A]

Interesting. So you think this is front page worthy material?

[B]

No, I'm saying it's the opposite because.

[A]

I'm going to do it like King Tut. Has that been done?

[C]

Steve Martin?

[B]

Fuck. All right, what if.

[A]

Can we say that?

[B]

No, there are kids here. All right, what if we just take a quick five, everyone can sort of smoke or. Oh my God. Everyone smoke. Or grab a Gatorade, and then we'll be back at rehearsal.

[A]

I'm okay with my kids cursing. It's been. It's been settled. I'm okay with my kids cursing.

[B]

Wait, what? Big Ed, stop handing out Subaru leases.

[A]

Then somebody better come to my lot and buy some of these Subarus, because I got Subarus to hand out.

[C]

He's shooting a commercial.

[A]

1, 2, 3, 4. Hey, Riddle. Riddle's Clue crew.

Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com heyriddle riddle.