Patreon Preview #358: Be Our Guest w/ Janet Varney

Summary

Episode Overview

Hey Riddle Riddle – Patreon Preview #358: Be Our Guest w/ Janet Varney (Jan 16, 2026)

This episode of Hey Riddle Riddle is a riotous, rapid-fire display of improvisational comedy. The core cast—Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan—are joined by guest Janet Varney for a loosely Beauty and the Beast-themed roleplay riff. In classic Riddle Riddle style, the show zips between character bits, wordplay, and irreverent banter, lampooning the idea of enchanted household objects while weaving in gossip, existential musings, and the ever-present quest for purpose. While nominally about riddles, this episode is more about comedic character work, group synergy, and off-the-wall improvisation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Enchanted Household Drama: Beauty and the Beast Parody

• The cast slips into character as various enchanted objects (the Hoe, Shovel, Rake, Staircase, Mirror, Couch, Dog, and more), riffing on the tragicomic fate of being transformed by a spell.

• They explore themes of transformation, self-worth, and personal accountability—in a hilarious, sideways fashion.

  • Self-reflection and Projection:

    • B (as Hoe) laments being transformed into a hoe "when I wasn't even working in the garden," linking her fate to a single holiday party kiss.
    • D (as Rake) quips that the spell "makes you what you feel you deserve to be" (01:36), suggesting an auto-psychoanalytic fairy-tale logic.

  • Physical Object Envy:

    • The stairs personify their desire for attention: A (as Stair): "I just love the opportunity... to do a funny creak on the stairs" (02:42).
    • Fantasizing about Beast’s footsteps, they joke about longing to be "stepped on," pushing into absurd kink territory in a cheerfully awkward way (03:47–05:12).

2. Improv Games with Status and Identity

• The team exploits the trope of sentient objects for improv fodder:

  • Status games: The banister basks in attention, the stairs crave utility and contact, and there's palpable envy of those who get "used" the most.

  • The Hoe's internal conflict is treated with surprising emotional depth, cloaked in persistent comedy.

  • Quote - Comic Philosophy:
    C (as Step): “It just feels good to be stepped on.” A: "As people, we loved and needed human contact, right?" (03:26–03:37)

3. Banterful Worldbuilding

• Outlandish details abound:

  • The Beast, they decide, "looks better as a beast" because his human form had a "big goiter" (04:00), and they'd be disappointed if the spell broke.

  • They introduce the Couch, who is tormented by a "feral dog" allegedly humping him—a running gag that is rapidly dissected and lampooned (11:33–13:13).

  • Quote - Absurdist Turn:
    A (as Couch): "There is a loose feral dog in this house that insisted on humping me, a couch. Who, by the way, was a man with a wife and a family. I don't want this to happen." (12:26)

4. Gossip, Mirrors, and Existential Questioning

• Two mirrors gossip about the scandal in the house, pseudo-therapeutically unpacking recent events but getting lost in miscommunications (11:00–14:18).

  • D (as Mirror): “Why don't you just let her rip? Why don't you just unzip?” (11:11)
  • B (as Mirror): “I can't believe you're about... you keep almost telling me and then you don't tell me!” (11:23)

• They stumble upon a metaphysical insight while playing two mirrors reflecting each other:

  • C: "Oh my God. I could only see myself when I looked at you." (14:04)
  • The group laughs at the notion that perhaps mirrors don't communicate because "you're just reflections," finding a life lesson in their schtick (14:10–14:18).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Description | |-----------|---------|-------------------| | 01:36 | D (Rake) | "The spell actually... makes you what you feel you deserve to be. So I don't know if you have anyone you can blame but yourself or Sweet Nero." | | 03:26 | C (Step) | "Yeah. It just feels good to be stepped on." | | 04:05 | A (Banister) | "If he ever does fall in love and the spell is broken and he gets transformed back... I do think people are going to look at it and be like, really? This is the guy?" | | 05:00 | A (Step) | "I just want someone to use me up, baby." | 12:26 | A (Couch) | "There is a loose feral dog in this house that insisted on humping me, a couch. Who, by the way, was a man with a wife and a family." | | 14:04 | C (Mirror) | "Oh my God. I could only see myself when I looked at you." | | 14:10 | B (Mirror) | "And there's a lesson in there." |

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Segment Timestamps

• 00:17–02:42: Hoe, shovel, and rake’s existential ruminations and spell backstory.
• 02:42–05:14: Staircase and steps’ yearning for attention and being “used”; whimsical longing for physical contact from Beast and others.
• 10:00–14:18: Mirror, hand mirror, couch, and talking dog escalate the gossipy character banter; dog/couch gag; metaphysical mirror loop.

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Tone and Style

• The episode is laden with tongue-in-cheek self-awareness, ever-present meta-humor, and layers of sincere goofiness. The cast bounce off each other’s riffs at a breakneck pace, with guest Janet Varney fitting seamlessly into the group’s surreal, playful rhythm.
• Characters frequently tumble into overlap and contradiction, often redirecting the bit or expanding into side gags, reveling in wordplay and shared improvisational “mistakes.”

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Summary

In this lively bonus episode, the Hey Riddle Riddle crew and Janet Varney dive headfirst into a Beauty and the Beast-inspired improv, becoming animated objects with an agenda—gossiping, self-analyzing, and yearning for purpose in the silliest ways possible. The episode mixes quick-witted one-liners, running gags, and surprisingly profound insights amid relentless humor. While very light on “riddle” content, it's a goldmine for fans of longform improv and podcast chemistry. Even without the riddles, it’s a masterclass in making mundane fairy-tale objects both hilarious and (somehow) relatable.

Transcript

[A]

New year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps plus fries and a medium soft drink for just $8 for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California. And for delivery.

[B]

Um, Shovel, do you have a second?

[C]

Oh, sure. What's going on?

[B]

Um, I've been thinking a lot about what we all turned into. Right?

[C]

Sure.

[B]

And I know that when it happened, everyone was like, don't take it personal. Don't take it personal. Don't read too much into it. But to be turned into a hoe when I wasn't even working in the garden. Like, I'm just trying. Yeah, like shovel, like you. Like your job was to dig, right?

[C]

Yep. I would dig up holes and I'd plant plants and I'd find treasures around the grounds.

[B]

Yeah, I was one of the chefs and I just. I kissed someone at the holiday party.

[C]

And we all heard about it.

[D]

Hey, everybody. What's going on? Oh, it's me, Rake. Oh ho. What trouble you been getting into? Hey, a little pinch of trouble, eh?

[B]

Who's been getting into you?

[D]

Is what I should say.

[C]

Well, very rakish of you.

[D]

Thank you. Thank you.

[B]

See, that makes sense. Cause Rake was actually like sleeping with people. I kissed one person at the holiday party.

[A]

Yeah, well, word troll.

[C]

Yo ho ho, ho.

[B]

Yeah. So I should take it personally, right?

[D]

Well, what I've heard, and I don't know if this is true, is that the spell actually like goes into your internal, like, monologue and it like, makes you what you feel you deserve to be. So I don't know if you have anyone you can blame but yourself or Sweet Nero.

[C]

And slut's not really an object, huh?

[D]

Don't take it personal. Don't take it personal. Don't take it personal.

[B]

Okay, so have a good time here.

[D]

We're socializing.

[B]

Did I do this to myself? Did I. I guess I did sort of beat myself up after. Well, I was in a 10 year long relationship. Right. And then I just kissed someone at the holiday party. It was just for fun, but I guess I was, huh?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that. Is that the. Is that what happened? I mean, I'm not official.

[C]

You're changing.

[B]

Okay, I turned into a slut.

[A]

Do you think that. Do you think anyone's going to walk on this staircase today? I mean, I know we don't usually like, as individual steps get much kind of attention, but I'd love it if someone came and walked on the staircase today. You know, I've seen other people around kind of like singing and doing their, you know, soft shoeing and all their other little bits. And I. I think I just love the opportunity. Right. You know, if someone were to come by to, like, say, like, fuck, I don't even know what I'd, like, do. Like, a funny creak. I could do, like a funny creak on the stairs.

[C]

Yeah. I feel like any sort of pressure would just feel so good, like, you know, on the skin, as it were.

[A]

Honestly, I didn't want to say that, but. Yes.

[C]

Yeah. It just feels good to be stepped on.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, yeah. As people we loved and, you know, needed human contact. Right?

[C]

Yeah. Yes.

[A]

You know, no man is an island.

[C]

No. No man.

[A]

But just to get stepped on a little bit. Especially by the beast, who, by the way, he's so big.

[C]

He's so. I mean, can I say it's working. It's working for him. Like, I think he should keep it.

[A]

Honestly, knowing what he looked like before.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

This is, like, a huge improvement.

[C]

Yeah. That big goiter. He doesn't have that goiter. Or it's covered with hair. I don't know which.

[A]

But if he ever does fall in love and the spell is broken and he gets transformed back to, you know, his state that he was before, I do think that people are going to look at it and be like, really? This is the guy?

[C]

Yeah. Yes. Yes.

[B]

Someone slides down the banister.

[C]

Come on. Come on.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

Why is that banister smoking a cigarette?

[A]

Oui, oui. Smoke me more. It feels fantastic.

[C]

Walnut cracker. Stop sliding down the banister. This is a mess. I just.

[A]

Damn it.

[C]

Ah, fuck. I just want to feel, you know, even if we don't get turned back, I just want to feel useful, I guess.

[A]

Yeah. And I want to feel used. You know, I don't even need to feel useful.

[C]

I just want someone to use me up, baby.

[A]

She wants someone to fucking step on me, man.

[C]

Yeah. Yep, yep, yep. Oh, here comes a pair of shoes. Here comes a pair of shoes.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

[A]

Please, please, please, please.

[B]

I'm going back to bed. Who am I kidding?

[C]

What the fuck?

[A]

God damn it. Okay, okay, hear me out. Hear me out.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't exactly know how we do it, but what if we could, like, step on each other, you know? Like. Okay, like, favor for a favor.

[C]

Like, yeah, you step on my nuts, I step on yours.

[A]

Yeah, whatever. The nuts. Whatever the nuts of us there is. Like, we, you know, it's like. And we both know, because we're both steps, you know, so we know what the nuts is. Let's say it on three.

[C]

One.

[A]

One, two, three.

[C]

Wood.

[A]

The step. The wood. Adol. Aaron, I am in the dumps.

[C]

Oh, why you sad? What's going on?

[A]

No, I was trying to buy a lemon, but it turns out I was haggling with this guy trying to buy this lemon. I wanted to, you know, make my water a little more refreshing, and eventually I got home with the thing, and the guy sold me a bad car.

[C]

Yeah, lemons can be bad cars.

[A]

Well, I didn't know that.

[C]

Have you heard? Have you used car gurus?

[A]

Oh, Cargurus. I know Cargurus. It's car shopping made for you.

[B]

Mm. With Cargurus Discover, you can skip the filters and describe what you're looking for in your own words. Simply type what you want, and Cargurus Discover instantly surfaces real listings and match you with your exact needs so you don't end up with a lemon.

[C]

With more than 4 million listings, CarGurus has the biggest selection of cars. So it's easier than ever to find the right car and. And the right deal.

[A]

Okay, let me just use it real quick. I'm going to type into yellow exterior, citrusy. Lots of seeds inside. Oh, okay. Well, this is great, because with Cargurus, you can compare cars side by side, check pricing, and estimate your final cost so you can navigate the dealership with confidence.

[B]

It's no wonder Cargurus is the number one most visited car shopping site according to SimilarWeb's estimated traffic data.

[C]

But don't take it from them. Take it from me. Honk, honk. A real car. Buy or sell your. Put the brakes on, sweetie.

[B]

Sorry.

[C]

Buy or sell your next car today with [e-mail]. go to cargurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-R U S.com CarGurus.com Hong Kong. Get in, everyone.

[B]

Hong Kong.

[C]

We're going to the moon.

[A]

Oh, hey. Smells like lemon.

[B]

Adel jpc. You may have noticed my new diamond and emerald necklace. I bought it with the money I saved using Rocket Money.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Mm. I realized I was spending, like, $800 a year on unwanted apps and subscriptions, and then. Turns out I don't need to do that. Rocket Money canceled them for me.

[A]

Okay, Aaron, but this. I mean, this necklace looks really expensive.

[B]

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your Bills so you can grow your savings.

[A]

Okay, I'm seeing a receipt handle in the trash can here. I don't think Eric wants grab your hand. She spent a lot. She spent a lot on this necklace.

[B]

The app consolidates checking, savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give a user a clear view of their financial picture. I've been using Rocket Money for years, way before they were ever a sponsor of Hayward or. I love how clear their communication is. If there's a big spend on my card, it will let me know right away. And it will also let me know what upcoming bills I have to pay. And I'll even negotiate lower bills for you. What a dream.

[C]

And for someone like me who hemorrhages money, Rocket Money can help set budgets and goals. I get personalized insights and regular reports. And I can receive real time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm looking at Erin's Rocket Money right now, and she has a goal for a new diamond necklace. Aaron, this is too many zeros. Aaron, this is too many zeros.

[B]

It's like 18 zeros. What's wrong?

[A]

Well, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join RocketMoney.com Riddle that's RocketMoney.com Riddle RocketMoney.com.

[B]

Riddle I have to be honest with you guys. This is not a real diamond necklace. It's a bunch of bugs I convinced to be in a diamond formation. Still cost $100,000.

[A]

Pretty good.

[D]

Well, hello, you. Hello, you. How are. You look wonderful. And so do you. You look so. Thank you so much. I know. How are you? I'm good. How are you?

[B]

Hi. Hi, mirror. Hi, mirror.

[D]

Oh, hi.

[C]

Hi.

[B]

Hi.

[D]

How are you?

[B]

How are you? I'm. I'm good. I. Do you know that there's, like, a girl here?

[A]

What?

[B]

Her dad was here, and then what kind of. Never mind.

[D]

I'll do the talking. Okay.

[B]

Sorry.

[D]

I don't know why I felt like it. No, it's fine.

[B]

You can I. No, no, it's fine.

[D]

We can both do. We can both participate.

[B]

This happens every time I talk to you.

[D]

Look away, turn away. I'll handle this.

[B]

Great.

[D]

There's an actual human girl here.

[B]

Yeah, well, her. Her dad was here and he was kind of nuts. And then. You know what? It doesn't matter.

[D]

Well, I'd love some more information. I mean, no, I always get in.

[B]

Trouble for gossiping around here. I never quite have all the information right, so I'll just zip, beep up. But did you Know that hoe turned into a slut. Nope. Not my business. Not my business. Not my business.

[D]

I'd love to. I would love to hear a little bit more. I won't tell anyone. I mean, I won't. I won't.

[C]

Will you?

[D]

I won't. No, we won't. Why don't you just let her rip? Why don't you just unzip?

[B]

You won't tell anyone, right? No.

[D]

What am I going to tell?

[C]

I'm not going to.

[D]

Who am I going to tell?

[B]

Okay, well, do you know that the couch? I shouldn't say.

[D]

I can't believe you're about. You keep almost telling me and then you don't tell me.

[A]

What is that?

[B]

Wait, here he comes. Here he comes. Here he comes. Here he comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Hi, couch.

[D]

Hi, couch.

[A]

Sorry, I. Do you guys mind if I hang out in this room? I didn't know. Is this room big enough for a couch? You guys mind if I hang out in here?

[B]

Yeah, we were.

[D]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

Me and mirror were just sort of.

[A]

Thank God. There's a dog that got loose in this house and it keeps humping me. It has humped the shit.

[B]

I heard it the other way around. That's what I was gonna say.

[D]

What are you saying? Are you serious?

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Couch. Is that true?

[B]

No.

[A]

Is that true? How would that even work? How would I. A couch fucking dog. It doesn't even matter.

[D]

So are you accusing the of lying?

[B]

The. What is it? Love you and the dog?

[D]

Nevermind. What? Yeah, is what the. Is what you're being asked by.

[A]

There is a loose feral dog in this house that insisted on humping me a couch. Who by the way, was a man with a wife and a family. I don't want this to happen.

[B]

And stop barking up the tree to try to get me or JPC to name me. You're the mirror, you tell me. You're the mirror, you tell me.

[D]

I've been told that I hyper analyze people too much and I shouldn't make hazardous guesses. I should respect everyone's individual identity and let them tell us who they are.

[A]

Yeah, maybe you're something that a dog would like to fuck more than a couch. That would be so hard.

[B]

Here comes the dog. Here comes the dog.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Hey, is there a room big enough for a dog? Because I gotta get away from the couch.

[D]

Oh, awkward.

[A]

This is a lie. This is a lie. This is a goddamn lie.

[C]

Wait. What? What is he about saying wait?

[A]

You could talk. Hold on.

[C]

Wait, hold on, hold on. I could always talk. I'm not one of the servants. I'm just the talking dog.

[A]

What do you mean just the talking dog?

[B]

What's that like?

[A]

You can't say just the talking dog.

[C]

What do you mean you're a talking couch?

[A]

Fuck you. I used to be a guy. What did you used to be?

[C]

I used to be a dog, okay? A regular talking dog. And this couch won't stop falling me. Okay, I want you to two of the biggest gossips here. Mirror US and other YouTube.

[B]

What?

[C]

Mirror Mirror and who? And other. What other Mirror. You're both mirrors, right?

[B]

Yes. Are we?

[C]

Hand mirror and other mirror.

[D]

Oh my God. I could only see myself when I looked at you.

[B]

And there's a lesson in there.

[C]

Oh, I thought you two hated each other. Cause so often you're in the same room but you don't talk to each other. But I guess you don't really see each other. Cause you're just reflections.

[B]

And isn't there a lesson in that?

[A]

Well, you guys have a lot to talk about. Maybe you could give us the room. Ew.

[B]

Ew.

[C]

I'm into it.

[A]

1, 2, 3, 4. Hey, Riddle. Riddle's Clue crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com heyriddleriddle.