Hidden Brain: Relationships 2.0 – Keeping Love Alive
Hosted by Shankar Vedantam
Introduction
In the final episode of Hidden Brain's "Relationships 2.0" series, host Shankar Vedantam explores the enduring question: How do we keep love alive in long-term relationships? Joined by psychologist Arthur Aron from Stony Brook University, the conversation delves into the science behind maintaining passionate and fulfilling romantic relationships over decades.
The Science of Lasting Love
Arthur Aron introduces his extensive research on couples who have sustained intense love over long periods, challenging the prevalent belief that romantic passion inevitably fades. Aron reveals that approximately 40% of couples married for ten years or more report being very intensely in love (07:57). This finding dispels the stereotype that only the initial stages of a relationship are characterized by deep passion.
Notable Quote:
“We found that of people married 10 years or longer, 40% claim to be very intensely in love.”
— Arthur Aron (09:33)
The Bridge Study: Uncovering the Brain's Role in Love
Aron discusses his renowned "bridge study," conducted in 2009, aimed at understanding the neural mechanisms sustaining long-term love. The study involved couples married for an average of 20 years, who described themselves as intensely in love. Brain scans revealed activation in the dopamine reward area, similar to what is observed in newly enamored couples (06:57). Additionally, long-term couples showed activity in brain regions associated with security and attachment bonds, suggesting a stable emotional foundation beyond initial passion (08:16).
Notable Quote:
“We see activation of the dopamine reward area, which is the same as what we see in new love.”
— Arthur Aron (06:57)
Boredom: The Silent Relationship Saboteur
Contrary to common concerns like infidelity or abusive behavior, Aron highlights boredom as a significant threat to long-term relationships. Longitudinal studies indicate that couples experiencing high levels of boredom are more likely to report reduced relationship satisfaction years later (20:26). Aron attributes this to the lack of novelty and self-expansion within the relationship, which can lead to feelings of stagnation.
Notable Quote:
“In our culture, you hope for more in a relationship. So if you're feeling bored, you're not getting everything you'd like from it.”
— Arthur Aron (21:17)
The 36 Questions: Engineering Closeness
Aron elaborates on his groundbreaking research involving the "36 Questions that Lead to Love," designed to foster deep emotional connections between strangers. The questions progressively become more intimate, encouraging vulnerability and self-disclosure. When applied to existing couples, engaging in these questions significantly increased their passionate love due to enhanced responsiveness and emotional intimacy (40:04).
Notable Quote:
“Self disclosure provides an opportunity for deep responsiveness...they listen, understand, and care.”
— Arthur Aron (36:28)
Practical Strategies for Maintaining Passion
Drawing from his research, Aron offers actionable strategies for couples to keep love alive:
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Introduce Novelty and Excitement: Engaging in new and interesting activities helps associate positive emotions with one’s partner, countering boredom. Aron emphasizes that doing something new together—whether it's rock climbing or attending a unique event—can rekindle passion (41:12).
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Celebrate Successes: Recognizing and celebrating a partner’s achievements fosters a supportive and appreciative environment. Aron shares a personal anecdote where he celebrated his wife Elaine’s academic success with a heartfelt gesture, reinforcing their emotional bond (50:54).
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Engage with Other Couples: Building friendships with other couples introduces unpredictability and variety, adding freshness to the relationship dynamic.
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Prioritize Self-Expansion: Aron underscores the importance of relationships as a means for personal growth and self-expansion. By integrating a partner’s resources, knowledge, and experiences, individuals can continuously evolve within the relationship (23:41).
Notable Quote:
“We make a point of doing something new and interesting every week at least. We go to concerts and ballets, but we never go to the same ones.”
— Arthur Aron (42:11)
Personal Insights: Aron and Elaine’s Journey
Arthur Aron shares the poignant story of how he and his wife Elaine met and sustained their relationship. Their commitment to weekly novel activities, such as adventurous trips and spontaneous visits to unfamiliar places, exemplifies the practical application of his research principles. Aron recounts moments where stepping out of their comfort zones, like attempting whale watching, deepened their bond despite challenges (42:36).
Notable Quote:
“The more exciting and interesting things you do with your partner, you then associate with your partner.”
— Arthur Aron (41:59)
Conclusions and Takeaways
Keeping love alive in long-term relationships is achievable through intentional efforts to introduce novelty, foster emotional intimacy, celebrate each other’s successes, and prioritize personal and mutual growth. Arthur Aron’s research underscores that while relationships naturally evolve, maintaining passion and connection is within couples' control.
Final Thoughts:
“To keep love alive, it's vital for couples to seek growth and novelty together, respond empathetically to each other’s disclosures, and celebrate each other's successes.”
— Summary Based on Arthur Aron’s Insights
Notable Quotes with Timestamps
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On Relationship Decline Stereotypes:
“We found that of people married 10 years or longer, 40% claim to be very intensely in love.”
— Arthur Aron (09:33) -
On Self-Disclosure and Responsiveness:
“Self disclosure provides an opportunity for deep responsiveness...they listen, understand, and care.”
— Arthur Aron (36:28) -
On Growth and Self-Expansion:
“We’ve shown that relationships are a major way that you can expand rapidly. So when you get close to someone, you include them in the self, and that means that you grow.”
— Arthur Aron (23:41) -
On Introducing Novelty:
“We make a point of doing something new and interesting every week at least.”
— Arthur Aron (42:11) -
On Associating Positive Emotions with Partner:
“The more exciting and interesting things you do with your partner, you then associate with your partner.”
— Arthur Aron (41:59)
Conclusion
Arthur Aron’s insights provide a scientific foundation for nurturing long-term romantic relationships. By embracing novelty, fostering deep emotional connections, and celebrating each other’s achievements, couples can sustain and even enhance their passionate love over time.
For those interested in exploring these concepts further, the "Relationships 2.0" series on Hidden Brain offers a wealth of knowledge from leading researchers in the field.