UNLOCKED: ActionBoyz Dark Angel aka I Come In Peace (1990)

Summary

Podcast Summary: High and Mighty - “UNLOCKED: ActionBoyz Dark Angel aka I Come In Peace (1990)”

Overview

In this episode of "High and Mighty," hosted by Gabrus from Headgum, the team dives deep into the 1990 action/sci-fi film "Dark Angel," also known as "I Come in Peace." The hosts—John Gabrus, Ryan Stanger, and Jackie Johnson—provide a comprehensive and entertaining analysis of the movie, blending their characteristic humor and spontaneous tangents with insightful critiques of the film's elements.

Introduction to "Dark Angel"

The episode begins with an enthusiastic introduction to "Dark Angel." Ryan Stanger sets the stage by describing Dolph Lundgren's role as Jack Kane, a tough Texas cop tasked with stopping future—or even alien—criminals. He humorously notes, “[00:10] Ryan Stanger: ...this is a very special episode of Action Boys about the movie called Dark Angel. AKA I Come in Peace. A real goofy one.”

Plot and Structure Analysis

The hosts dissect the film's convoluted plot, which intertwines buddy cop dynamics with alien sci-fi elements. Ryan critiques the multiple cold opens, expressing confusion over the pacing: “[14:07] Ryan Stanger: ...five cold opens before you get to like what, like who the leads are and what's actually happening in the movie.” This disjointed structure leads to a fragmented narrative that the hosts find hard to follow.

Character Performances and Development

Dolph Lundgren's portrayal of Jack Kane is both praised and critiqued. Jackie Johnson remarks on Kane's physical transformation and demeanor changes, saying, “[21:40] Jackie Johnson: ...he's got the worse haircut. He must be one of us.” This highlights the inconsistency in character development, making Kane's actions seem out of sync with his established personality.

Agent Switzer, portrayed by Brian Ben, is another focal point. The hosts find his over-the-top obsession with rules and his boss character to be a weak point in the film: “[15:10] Jackie Johnson: ...Brian Ben, Ben's character is too annoying.” This rigidity disrupts the film's balance between comedy and action.

Direction and Production Insights

The trio appreciates Stan Lathan (Baxley) for his stunt coordination, acknowledging his work in "Predator" and "Stone Cold." Gabrus states, “[18:39] John Gabrus: ...Baxley was the stunt coordinator on Predator and Silver, was producing. Produced Predator and was producing this movie...” His expertise in action sequences is evident, yet the hosts feel that the film's narrative suffers despite the commendable stunt work.

Comparisons to Genre Staples

"Dark Angel" is compared to other buddy cop films like "Lethal Weapon" and "Action Jackson." The hosts note that while "Dark Angel" attempts to blend genres, it fails to capture the seamless integration seen in its more successful counterparts. “[15:17] Ryan Stanger: ...it is funny that the simple thing of like giant badass cop and small annoying FBI guy should just work and that doesn't.”

Strengths: Action Sequences and Special Effects

Despite its narrative flaws, the film's action sequences receive high praise. Ryan enthusiastically comments, “[14:49] Ryan Stanger: Explosions are fucking awesome. So much shit blows up here.” The special effects, particularly the alien's unique abilities and weaponry, are highlighted as standout elements that sustain viewer interest.

Weaknesses: Plot Coherence and Character Motivations

The main criticism revolves around the film's lack of plot coherence and underdeveloped character motivations. Instances where characters act illogically or dialogue feels forced are frequently mentioned. For example, the alien's sudden appearance and the FBI's inconsistent actions contribute to the film's disjointed feel: “[75:30] Jackie Johnson: ...and why aren't they curious about the alien's motives?”

Humor and Banter

Throughout the episode, the hosts maintain a lighthearted and humorous tone, often veering off into unrelated tangents. This includes playful insults, personal anecdotes, and humorous takes on their experiences, making the summary engaging and entertaining. For instance, they joke about their own promotional efforts and share funny personal stories related to film and action genres.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

In wrapping up, the hosts give "Dark Angel" a mixed review. While they commend the film's action sequences and unique special effects, they lament its narrative inconsistencies and character development issues. Ryan concludes, “[168:44] Jackie Johnson: ...So yeah, this movie's insane,” reflecting the overall sentiment that "Dark Angel" is enjoyable for its action but falls short in storytelling.

Notable Quotes

• “[14:07] Ryan Stanger: ...five cold opens before you get to like what, like who the leads are and what's actually happening in the movie.”
• “[15:10] Jackie Johnson: ...Brian Ben, Ben's character is too annoying.”
• “[14:49] Ryan Stanger: Explosions are fucking awesome. So much shit blows up here.”
• “[75:30] Jackie Johnson: ...and why aren't they curious about the alien's motives.”
• “[168:44] Jackie Johnson: ...So yeah, this movie's insane.”

Key Takeaways

• Action vs. Narrative: "Dark Angel" excels in delivering high-octane action scenes and innovative special effects but struggles with maintaining a coherent and engaging narrative.

• Character Dynamics: The buddy cop dynamic intended to add depth falls flat due to inconsistent character motivations and underdeveloped relationships.

• Genre Blending: The attempt to merge buddy cop tropes with sci-fi elements is ambitious but ultimately not seamless, leading to tonal inconsistencies.

• Humorous Critique: The hosts' humorous and candid critique provides an entertaining analysis, making complex film discussions accessible and enjoyable.

This episode offers a balanced critique of "Dark Angel," highlighting its strengths in action and special effects while addressing its shortcomings in storytelling and character development. Whether you're a fan of action films or enjoy humorous film critiques, this summary encapsulates the essence of the hosts' detailed discussion.

Transcript

[John Gabrus]

This is a headgun podcast.

[Ryan Stanger]

What's up shitheads? Welcome back to another episode of High and Mighty. It's me, a boy. The number one fuck boy, Johnny G from the south shore of Nassau county, long Island, standing 6 foot 2, 300 and something pounds. He stopped measuring for good. Cause it hurts to see that number three on there. It's John Gabris. All you gotta do is trust me. Jackson Main from A Star Is Born. What are you doing here? I'm a huge Dolph Lundgren fan. That's why I stopped by. What do you mean, Dolph Lundgren? This is my podcast, High and Mighty. I heard a rumor that you're playing an episode of Action Boys here in the feed. Hey, you're right. This is a very special episode of Action Boys about the movie called Dark Angel. AKA I Come in Peace. A real goofy one. Dolph Lundgren plays a hard, hard nosed cop in Texas who is going to stop future criminals and future or alien criminals. And you know what? Spoilers aplenty. Go watch I Come in Peace or Dark Angel. I believe it's. You can find it for free streaming online and then listen to this episode. Or at least listen to this episode and then sign up for the Action Boys. We have a bunch of free episodes at free ActionBoys Biz. Or you can just go to ActionBoys Biz and join the Patreon there where you can get between four to seven episodes a month, depending on what kind of cheddar you're working with. All right, without any further ado, here is Action Boyz episode of Dark Angel. NordVPN what a way to safely access your favorite streams and other content from home. No matter where you go, just switch your virtual location. Now here's something I didn't even think about with using a VPN specifically Nord. You can find out like while shopping to see if the same product is cheaper in another region, access foreign E stores, apps and online auctions for a wider selection of Items. That's nuts. NordVPN account protects up to 10 devices, so there's no need for separate ones. 7,100 plus servers in 118 countries. It's super fast. NORDVPN is one of the fastest VPNs out there and it's easy to use. Connect with One Click or enable Auto Connect for the classic Zero Click protection. Now that is pretty exciting. And you know what other reasons do you need a VPN for? You can access your favorite streams and other content from home no matter where you go. Access apps and websites from other countries. Access to social media and stuff not available due to censorship, depending where you are. So get your tushy on NordVPN. So go to NordVPN.com mighty that's n o r d v p n.comm I g h d NordVPN.com mighty as we assume. These taste awful. These are disgusting.

[John Gabrus]

Well, that's, that's by design because we were trying to negotiate pallet fatigue.

[Jackie Johnson]

So they nailed it.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. So good work.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Scientists. We put a lot of money into.

[Ryan Stanger]

This and a lot of saying yes, we succeeded in what we wanted. But I don't know if this is the right path for what we're.

[Jackie Johnson]

I feel like we're putting it out too late. It's a couple days before Christmas. It's not going to reach market until summer. These are cookies designed to feed Santa and, and kind of get Santa in shape. It's got a lot of our proprietary blend of nootropics and supplements.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. We've crushed up some from some hims pills in there. So it should. It should take care of soup to nuts. Literally like soup.

[Jackie Johnson]

The knots we're gonna get, we're gonna.

[Ryan Stanger]

Shouldn't thicken your soup. Thicken.

[Jackie Johnson]

Thicken the soup inside your weigh the nuts.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Ryan Stanger]

And let in the nuts and thicken the soup. Well, obviously the. The soup getting thicker will increase nut volume.

[Jackie Johnson]

We are in lead eating your nuts.

[John Gabrus]

It's got adapt against protein.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's the age of inlet admittance.

[John Gabrus]

I. I'm actually very excited for people to.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, let's get real.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, I'm excited for people to get this in their. In their bellies and let's get. Let's get real, man.

[Ryan Stanger]

Well, let's. Let's say it on here.

[John Gabrus]

Let's cut the bullshit.

[Ryan Stanger]

Let's be honest. We know, we've just recently been informed that Santa's not real. So we're hearing that a lot of dads are going to be down to have our proprietary blend Santa cookie.

[John Gabrus]

This whole time you guys were telling me that like the spirit of Santa is like what makes Christmas and that these cookies would help the spirit.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, we had to get you.

[Ryan Stanger]

We had.

[Jackie Johnson]

We had to get you here. And like, we didn't lie. We said the spirit of Santa.

[Ryan Stanger]

You were so obsessed with your Advent calendar, we had to use it against.

[John Gabrus]

Well, that hasn't been recorded.

[Jackie Johnson]

Not your Advent calendar.

[John Gabrus]

That hasn't been recorded. But I wouldn't. But wait, so is. Can the spirit wait?

[Jackie Johnson]

Work your Advent calendar into all this, please.

[John Gabrus]

I tried it got.

[Ryan Stanger]

They're not for sale. You spent a year and a half just making one for yourself.

[John Gabrus]

I fucking tried to work it in. It got denied. It got doa, I believe. Denied.

[Jackie Johnson]

Defend.

[John Gabrus]

I offered you Monopoly money.

[Ryan Stanger]

Eagle Deered listeners probably can recall four years ago when we did an advent calendar episode.

[John Gabrus]

I might have snuck another one in too somewhere. If you guys are like a little low energy one day, I might have snuck another one.

[Ryan Stanger]

Advent in July. I think I remember that. So we're trying to get dads and moms yoked. We're trying to get parents yoked.

[Jackie Johnson]

Okay.

[Ryan Stanger]

Cousins, uncles, whoever's sneaking in your house at night to put out the presents or whatever they're doing, snag a cookie. We'll have grass fed whole milk put outside next to our. Do not dunk our cookies in milk. We've noticed that that create some sort of disgusting chemical reaction we can't stop.

[Jackie Johnson]

RFK is really into our milk right now. He's backing our milk. He wants us all to be in the fda, which we said no.

[Ryan Stanger]

He thinks we're selling a milk called raw dog milk that is raw. But he doesn't realize we're selling raw dog's milk that we got from.

[Jackie Johnson]

We have. We have a new member of the Action Boys family Mama. She's.

[Ryan Stanger]

She's a 600 pound mastiff with 12 tits.

[Jackie Johnson]

She's got very juicy teeth and they.

[Ryan Stanger]

Produce quite a bit.

[Jackie Johnson]

She's got big.

[Ryan Stanger]

She's got a dozen big natural.

[John Gabrus]

And we're all runts.

[Jackie Johnson]

We don't want to see.

[John Gabrus]

What my Instagram recommends is right now we're all runts. And so we have to. We had to figure out how to be conniving to get to the teat so we could survive. Somebody once told me that like you always want to pick a runt because they have to be conniving to get to the te to.

[Jackie Johnson]

And all you want is working is. Is poetry into the show again.

[Ryan Stanger]

All you want.

[John Gabrus]

Every episode there's poetry.

[Ryan Stanger]

You can't help it. You just. Your flow is poetic.

[John Gabrus]

I even off mic, I'm doing poetry for the show.

[Ryan Stanger]

You're you. You're the only Action Boys that have never spoke. You've only spoken in iambic pentameter. The whole time we've done the pod.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's like we got Michael Madsen on.

[John Gabrus]

The pod sometimes with you, I could never match him.

[Jackie Johnson]

Are you kidding me? Give yourself some credit.

[John Gabrus]

I could never. Dude.

[Jackie Johnson]

My top two poets of all time are Ryan Stanger. Michael Madsen.

[John Gabrus]

Dude, don't even say my name.

[Ryan Stanger]

Neruda. Pablo Neruda is third.

[John Gabrus]

I fucking bow down to Madsen.

[Jackie Johnson]

We're all runts and we have to be sly to get at the teeth.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, that was. I told you a guy once said that to me and that was him.

[Ryan Stanger]

It was Michael. Oh, the guy who said that to you. You buried the lead. That was Michael Metz.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, I should have said that. That was dumb on my part.

[Jackie Johnson]

Call Sigourney Weaver. We got a copycat.

[Ryan Stanger]

Welcome to action boys. I cover peace. I cover peace.

[John Gabrus]

I come in peace.

[Jackie Johnson]

I come in pieces. On, on your stomach.

[Ryan Stanger]

Don't eat the vegetables. I come in peas.

[John Gabrus]

I come in drips.

[Ryan Stanger]

I come in disc form. Razor sharp, razor thin.

[Jackie Johnson]

What is everybody going to tell us now? This was, I would say for years our top requested movie was. Was I come in Peace. You can find it online as Dark Angel. That is what it is available for rent or purchase as shout out to every single person who told us. It's all called I Come in Peace.

[Ryan Stanger]

I watched, I watched this movie the whole time being like is this a real movie? All the way through to the credits, finish the movie and go. Was this even still a real movie?

[John Gabrus]

Had you not seen this before?

[Ryan Stanger]

I've never seen this before. I had never heard of it. I was so happy. I don't listen to the fucking listeners when they weigh in about anything. So all those recos were lost on me.

[John Gabrus]

I sounded like an old woman responding.

[Ryan Stanger]

It was a drive by fruiting it.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's so much pearls bounced up. I.

[John Gabrus]

It'S. I feel like people requested it because they thought it was like a. Like a forgotten like B track or something. Like you got it, you gotta check out I come in peace.

[Ryan Stanger]

But we've, we've been watched, we've watched every Brian Ben. Ben movie already.

[Jackie Johnson]

Thanks Brian.

[John Gabrus]

Thanks to Robin.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, we're all big Dream on fans here. Love him and it's quite frankly weird to see him in anything other than Dream on.

[Ryan Stanger]

He's way. I mean I guess Dream on never let me realize how short he was. But I come in peace. Definitely demoed how short he was.

[Jackie Johnson]

Pretty short guy.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, he's not big but like I never. I. I guess for me I was so enamored. I watched it when I was, you know, a preteen. So I was just enamored by the chance of sex like or the chance of boobs.

[John Gabrus]

Like he's kind of non threatening and goofy in that which is how he pulls so Much wool.

[Jackie Johnson]

Because also his. His. His best friend in the show, dude.

[Ryan Stanger]

He gets his wool pulled over his eyes. This guy gets so much wool, it's over his eyes. He's a wool puller. We instead of Stickman, we got to start saying wall pullers.

[Jackie Johnson]

We got. You know what? I got to add a dream on. I mean we're mostly doing action shows. Oh, Zombie Squad.

[Ryan Stanger]

We got to do.

[John Gabrus]

You must.

[Jackie Johnson]

But we should do Dream on. I can I tell you guys, I watched just the. There's compilation. Speaking of Zombie Squad movies that we. Or TV shows that weirdly get mentioned over and over again on this show. Most notably the 1983 series Hotel I. I watched a super cut of. It's just the Hotel intro with all the guest stars from like season three. So Hotel, it comes up over and over again because it's one of these shows that has like six guest stars per episode. And to pay for all those stars, they either have to be well past their prime or kind of new to the industry. So for example, it's like George Clooney or like the. The old man from Return of the.

[John Gabrus]

Living Dead or Moose from Rebel Without a Caus.

[Jackie Johnson]

So I watched this whole thing like I was f. I like I. I left it on it. It's like seven minutes long and I just left it running. And the la. And it's in alphabetical order. Whoever cut this together is just like Bravo. They cut together every guest star from season four. This is true Maniac that I appreciate the Internet for. The last guy is the best friend in Bachelor Party.

[John Gabrus]

Oh wow. Like that's what the level well built guy with the.

[Jackie Johnson]

No, no, no. The. I don't know if he's well built. He's like sort of his nerdy best friend.

[John Gabrus]

Okay.

[Jackie Johnson]

His. His name ends with Z. I know that much. He's got a big mullet. So yeah, we got to add some Brian. Ben. Ben work. He's got a great parent because his friend. I knew he was short because his best friend on Dream on is also very tall. So he has the same dynamic as. As he does on this.

[John Gabrus]

So with Kane.

[Jackie Johnson]

With Kane where it's like you want the. You want the big guy and the little guy. Of course we're talking about Jack Kane. That is a great one for the action boys Rolodex. Jack Kane.

[Ryan Stanger]

Kane is able.

[Jackie Johnson]

This movie has got to be a real treat for you, Gabriel.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh, fuck yeah. And having never seen this movie, five cold opens before you get to like what, like who the leads are and what's actually happening in the movie. Like there's like the white boy heist, then there's like an alien, then the white boy heist, then Jack Kane's partner gets killed. There's like three full set pieces. Then they're like the movie's begun.

[John Gabrus]

Now enjoy this thin movie.

[Ryan Stanger]

Somehow we set all this up now not much more.

[Jackie Johnson]

Will, there's a lot of flaws with the movie. The, the action is really great though. It is.

[Ryan Stanger]

Explosions are fucking awesome. So much shit blows up here.

[John Gabrus]

Let me lay this on you guys as just a kind of thought. How is it possible, this is my. At least in my opinion, how is it possible that they nail the alien stuff but kind of fuck up the buddy cop stuff?

[Jackie Johnson]

Okay, I don't know if I agree with that.

[John Gabrus]

You don't agree with that?

[Jackie Johnson]

No, I do not think the alien stuff was nailed by any stretch at all.

[Ryan Stanger]

I wouldn't know. I wouldn't throw the word nail around. But I get the heart of what Stanger's saying here is that it is funny that the simple thing of like giant badass cop and small annoying FBI guy should just work and that doesn't. But weird milk eyed aliens and shit.

[John Gabrus]

Here's why.

[Jackie Johnson]

I think they fucked up like with. I think you're right that they didn't get the buddy comedy stuff. It's because Brian Ben, Ben's character is too annoying.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, he is. Legitimately.

[Jackie Johnson]

She's legitimately too fucking annoying.

[Ryan Stanger]

You're almost happy with his. His boss almost kills him.

[Jackie Johnson]

The alien stuff. The alien stuff sucks because like they don't get to the alien. Jack Kane doesn't learn about the alien until like an hour and 15 minutes into this hour and a half movie.

[John Gabrus]

Yes. Because I feel like they're doing too much of the buddy cop stuff. But I feel like the little, the guy floating around and the idea of like the. Listen, I'm not putting it on the same level as aliens when I say nailed it, but I felt like, oh, this is kind of like fun for like a, you know, 1990 forgettable, you know, goofy movie. But the cop stuff should be pretty easy. And it just all kind of like feels weird, tonally weird to me with this movie.

[Ryan Stanger]

I was positive that when I went wade into the sauna to learn more about the movie I was going to see like seven months after principal photography was completed, they decided to add the alien plot. Like it just feels like. It feels like two different movies in such a strong way where it's like the white boys, my partner is killed and Also, there's an alien who needs heroin to make a better drug.

[Jackie Johnson]

I do think there's probably some truth to that. I mean, I'm sure you read about the other MO. The buddy cop movie with the alien that they had all ready to go in Vegas that they had to pull the plug on.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Which sounds great.

[John Gabrus]

It does.

[Jackie Johnson]

It does sound good. It was an alien teams up with an FBI agent. It kind of sounds similar to that movie with Kyle McLaughlin. It's a buddy cop movie where Kyle McLaughlin's an alien. Have you guys seen that one?

[Ryan Stanger]

No.

[John Gabrus]

No.

[Jackie Johnson]

I mean, we'll get to it at some point on the show. It's. It's pretty fun. It's, like, definitely, like, for us.

[John Gabrus]

The Hidden.

[Jackie Johnson]

The hidden, yeah. But they were gonna make this movie in Vegas, and they had everything set up. Originally, it was supposed to be with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and then I think Predator priced him out. Predator. They claim Predator was such a big hit that they couldn't afford him anymore, so they replaced him with Dolph. And Dolph had a great career as May, like Poor man's Schwarzenegger for.

[John Gabrus]

For sure.

[Jackie Johnson]

I. I buy that. Never had the neck. He never had his Predator or his breakthrough movie that kind of pushed him to the next tier or the.

[John Gabrus]

The panache, the charisma, I guess.

[Jackie Johnson]

Another. But the thing is, that movie was so close to being made. I do think it fully just morphed into this in a way, in whatever shape this script was.

[Ryan Stanger]

Two screenplays kind of smushed together in a way, too.

[John Gabrus]

I. I buy that story because Baxley, the director of this, who we know from Stone Cold and Action Jackson, and, like, a legendary stunt guy, he was the stunt coordinator on Predator and Silver, was producing. Produced Predator and was producing this movie that didn't get made that we're talking about. And, you know, I mean, as far as Schwarzenegger, like, he was taking things a lot more serious after that. You know, a big Fox movie like Predator was a hit and well regarded. But, yeah, it's. There is. I think Baxley, he does interesting stuff, and his stunts, obviously, look great. The action looks great, but there's a fun goofiness to everything he does. And I think he was just like, I'm not. I'm not doing this unless I can add some. Some goofs into it, which, you know, that I just. Dolph is maybe not able to pull off and, you know, just tonally feels weird for.

[Jackie Johnson]

I would love to know who they were trying to get as the. The movie Was called Man to man. And it was about an alien who crashes in Nevada, teams up with a repo man and the two of them go on an adventure to get the alien spaceship complete with. And Baxley brags about having a set piece where there'd be a cart chase through casinos. And I would have loved to seen it. I mean, the guy is a skilled stunt coordinator. So it sounds like they were all pretty pumped about that movie. And I would love to know who they had in mind as the repo man. If anybody can find that out, let us know. Occasionally, we gotta be.

[Ryan Stanger]

We gotta get a Houston live show in on the well so that we can see people in the alien thing.

[Jackie Johnson]

But I was. But we've done so many. Like now we've done two Texas shows.

[Ryan Stanger]

Right.

[Jackie Johnson]

We gotta do Houston. We gotta hit every. We gotta go all over.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, also, State, this is a good time to mention that we are going to do a watch along at the mothership. So people should come out to. That should be pretty fun. We're doing a watch along of the. The last Christmas or the Christian Christmas movie that Holmes is in.

[Ryan Stanger]

I thought you were going to say we're watching the pageant. We're watching Red One at the mothership.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, yeah, we're watching Red One at the motherhip.

[Ryan Stanger]

We couldn't even get through the trailer. We cut it off. Yeah, we're making content about it. We had to stop to like a minute in and go, forget it. Not worth it. I'd rather talk Dark Angel.

[Jackie Johnson]

Dolph is pretty good at covering up his accent. And I actually think that's a bad thing.

[Ryan Stanger]

I. Dude. Because Tiffany's like, he has no accent. I go, I know. And she's like, it sounds pretty good. And I agreed. But I thought it was. I. It would be more charming with the accent.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah. I think it just makes him sound. There is. There is still an accent in there, but it. It sounds too clipped and refined. Him trying to cover up his accent where it'd probably be better if you just had his. His.

[Ryan Stanger]

Next up, next up, we go to Rio.

[John Gabrus]

Switzer's a liar. He's a liar.

[Jackie Johnson]

Switzer is a liar.

[Ryan Stanger]

Liar is a hard word for him.

[Jackie Johnson]

Switzer, if they're not doing him any favors. Also having a guy have a German name for him to say. Yeah, Switzerland. Liar.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

He.

[John Gabrus]

It also makes his.

[Ryan Stanger]

Also, Tiffany learned yesterday watching this that he's not actually Russian. Which I was like, good work, Dolph. Rocky four hit Tiff so hard. She's like, he's not really Russian. I'm like, no.

[John Gabrus]

She could tell when he was brunette in this.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, wow.

[Jackie Johnson]

I do think it was a good idea to dive up, dye his hair.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yes. Agreed. Made him.

[John Gabrus]

Well, this is him like he's like a cheeseburger eating fucking rule breaking cops. He's got to be a brunette now he can't.

[Jackie Johnson]

Can we talk about his look? I don't. I'm not down with. With the army jacket under the leather.

[Ryan Stanger]

Well, what about in the third act when he's ready to finally kick ass and he just puts a jacket on with no shirt ready to go out.

[John Gabrus]

I'm fine with that. More than his weird like nightgown that he has under a cropped leather coat. It's like what the is going on. It makes his body weird.

[Jackie Johnson]

It looks crazy. It seemed like AI choices where they just like mashed a bunch of like this is how action stars look. They wear. He does have like, he has just too many pieces of the classic look. It's a Henley with a leather jacket on. That's the classic action movie hero look. Like a cliche really.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Last action hero.

[Jackie Johnson]

The Rigs look.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Jack Slater. By the way, they almost called this Lethal contact. According to IMDb, which is a better name than Dark angel or I come in. You can't having the character say I come in peace over and over again. You can't call it that.

[John Gabrus]

It was for that last line that was like we're gonna build a movie around a, you know, like a one.

[Jackie Johnson]

Liner and Dark Angel. It's so funny that the aliens have names in the credits also.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's like Good Alien and Bad Alien. Bad Alien Talc. What about Good Alien Ziz or whatever.

[John Gabrus]

By the name the drug on our planet. It's called Bussy.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's called Boy.

[John Gabrus]

Actually.

[Jackie Johnson]

Dark Angels.

[John Gabrus]

Nailed it.

[Jackie Johnson]

Dark Angel. Nailed it. They don't call it those d. They call a boy. I. In the 80s and 90s, I read so many comic books, especially in the early 90s. And I mean, you guys know I draw. I'm so slow. I can't imagine the demands of people actually cranking out full books over and over again. So sometimes the artwork is lacking. And I think the early 90s, the style of a lot of superheroes and villains was very, very bad. The like the, the kind of layout of, you know, there are exceptions to the rule. Jim Lee, everybody loves his X Men designs and stuff, but there was a lot of guys from that image era and they. A lot of the superheroes looked like these Two aliens. Like they really look like everybody's go to design Johnny Blaze.

[Ryan Stanger]

They look exactly like the drawings when they. When they would try to make like biker type characters.

[Jackie Johnson]

Like that was everybody right? I. I call them like jobber superheroes. Guys that never really broke through that. Like they just had to add a new character to the storyline and they all had. They all kind of resembled some sort of sci fi version of the character. Renegade. Another. Yeah, we gotta put on our list.

[John Gabrus]

What just like dusters and kind of long hair and tall or something?

[Jackie Johnson]

You usually like mullet type haircuts like these guys have.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. Like. Or like the Hard Target Van Damme kind of like that kind of mullet too.

[Jackie Johnson]

Like hair metal. Hair metal adjacent past when hair metal was cool.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

So like all these guys are still going off that and then some sort of like ribbed or chain mail stuff on there. Like kind of like life preserver type.

[Ryan Stanger]

Thing or like a shoulder with like a shoulder pad on one side. My kind of situation.

[John Gabrus]

Little apocalyptic.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. A touch of Mad Max kind of going in there.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, it's like Max Dust Max doing a glam rock show.

[Ryan Stanger]

The circle sunglasses like Arnold wears in that one.

[John Gabrus]

That'd be a cool like shitty movie to where you just collect all these like forgotten jobber villain guys and they all kind of join together or something.

[Ryan Stanger]

And Spider man just shows up and Mercs like 150 guys who are like finally getting their shit together and starting their like bad guy union.

[Jackie Johnson]

Very few ever broke through. I would say the closest you know who did kind of break through that was. I think he came out like 1982. Was Gambit. Gambit had kind of. He had a trench coat. A mullet originally.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Like the fucking kind of ponytail coming out. Some sort of weird spandex headgear. That's. That was another fucking big thing. And it was like that has never been anywhere else except fucking comic books. Especially in the 90s. Some sort of like weird spandex thing that just frames your face.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

He.

[Ryan Stanger]

Because he's the kind of. It's kind of what astronauts wear underneath their helmets.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's kind of inspired by like Jack Kirby did that stuff in the 60s.

[Ryan Stanger]

And that's what like Galactus has on. And like all those guys have on. Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

And then cuz Gambit straight up had like a. Like a Green lantern suit but he just wore a trench coat over it.

[Jackie Johnson]

He had a trench coat and. But he had like a like a pink shiny muscle plate on and then. And then actual spandex yeah.

[John Gabrus]

Stone and I watched the Hugh Jackman movie, Deadpool, Wolverine, and he, like, Channing Tatum sucks in that. They had to, like, they had to make it like a joke in the movie. Right? I mean, does he know he's doing a bad job?

[Ryan Stanger]

I couldn't tell. His family might even be Cajun and he just still can't do it or something like that.

[John Gabrus]

I couldn't tell him where it started and where it ended as far as performance and just doing a bad job.

[Ryan Stanger]

How fun. Fucking blade. Like, the fact that Wesley Snipes is in the movie is great.

[John Gabrus]

It's the best part, really.

[Jackie Johnson]

God, what a bummer.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. It is objectively funny.

[Jackie Johnson]

Huge movie, big Movie, Moneymaker of 2014.

[John Gabrus]

I.

[Ryan Stanger]

It was less awful than I was ready for. I thought. I thought it was better than I expected. It had some funny moments. The best joke in the movie is, now that one of you have seen it, is when Chris Evans is on this, like, island. It's like, I can't believe you're here. And they're gassing him up. And then he's like, all right, it's time to fight.

[Jackie Johnson]

Flame on.

[Ryan Stanger]

Flame on. It's like that. It's so.

[John Gabrus]

It has some good jokes.

[Jackie Johnson]

Now that one of you's seen it, you've told us.

[Ryan Stanger]

Well, now I want to share it, but I'm glad you were able to jump the punchline out there and take the wind out of my sails.

[John Gabrus]

It has some good jokes in it. I just don't like that this will now inspire a bunch of shitty things.

[Jackie Johnson]

Because it's, like, the wrong thing. Yeah. I mean, but that's traditional with the. The entire industry is. Everybody takes the wrong thing out of anybody's success.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. Abbott elementary is funny. Let's make more shows in schools.

[John Gabrus]

You're like, no, it's been like, a Hollywood thing. That's always been there, but not to.

[Jackie Johnson]

The fucking degree that Weinstein's getting a lot of movies made. I better start being a creep. Like, truly. That's kind of how it works.

[John Gabrus]

It does.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah. The wrong thing. Like, no, I. I won't take. Maybe the. Like, oh, the guy really likes movies. No, no, I'll take that. He's a complete piece of. I've worked with people like that where. Where you find out who they worked for and it's like, oh, yeah, you worked for some of the most problematic people, and that was your takeaway. Like, now it's my turn to be a piece of shit.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Even if it's not to the level of sexual assault. It's like, screaming and toxic or something. Yeah. Fucking nuts.

[Jackie Johnson]

Let's. Let's get into Dark Angel.

[John Gabrus]

I saw MGM and Paramount.

[Jackie Johnson]

I saw Paramount. This was the Sunset Paramount, which I enjoy. And I like the. I like the setting sun. I think it has a similar effect as the lights that change with the time of day or gets your body ready for the nighttime of the movie.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. It sinks you to. It's like, oh, it's going to be a lot of nighttime in this movie. Syncs you up from a circadian standpoint. Good job. Baxley fought hard for that.

[Jackie Johnson]

I love Baxley, man.

[John Gabrus]

Me too. I. It's been some of my favorite. I mean, Stone Cold is one of my favorite movies that we've done on the podcast.

[Jackie Johnson]

I don't know about that, but, like, his stunt work specifically. I. One of the things about Stone Cold that surprised me. I, I. We were all really excited to do it. Very much a throwaway movie for our show. Never comes back. Almost never. Like, we all remember the shake he makes for his iguana or whatever.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. Drag.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. But eat your grub if you want to be a stud, but I love it. I, I mean, I, I like Stone Man. The guy that plays the orderly and hard to kill.

[Ryan Stanger]

Who's, like, obsessed with him.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, he's obsessed with.

[Jackie Johnson]

Which we got. We're revisiting Hard to Kill Lance Erickson.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh, that's so exciting.

[Jackie Johnson]

Revisiting.

[Ryan Stanger]

We're going back into the storm.

[Jackie Johnson]

We're going back.

[Ryan Stanger]

Mason.

[Jackie Johnson]

Into the storm. The perfect storm. Mason Storm.

[John Gabrus]

Stone Cold. I'll throw on. You can only watch it right now on YouTube, but I love the first scene we're in the convenience store when he's, like, eating off the shelves, and then he's got to, like, lay down the fucking grease, and the guy slips on it and flies into all the cans and shit again. Great stunts.

[Jackie Johnson]

Great holiday movie here. We did a lot of holiday movies in 2024. We'll do a full.

[John Gabrus]

We needed it. It was a tough year.

[Jackie Johnson]

Refresh on Shadow Wolf this month like we did last year. Tune in Christmas. Spend your Christmas with the action boys.

[Ryan Stanger]

That's right.

[Jackie Johnson]

Upgrade to Shadow Wolf.

[Ryan Stanger]

Now to Christmas morning. You'll have a fresh little Shadow Wolves in your stocking. Talking about Eyes Wide Shut. Ooh, what a treat. My personal favorite Christmas movie.

[John Gabrus]

When your mom and dad walk in, you can scream at them. Remove your robes.

[Ryan Stanger]

Fidelio.

[John Gabrus]

See that, dad? Dick.

[Ryan Stanger]

In their robes.

[Jackie Johnson]

Like, we got a lot of listeners.

[John Gabrus]

We just like, Kevin, I think we.

[Ryan Stanger]

I Think we have more people than we think who live with their parents. I'm not saying they're 11. No, it's me.

[Jackie Johnson]

Like, we're recording this. They just found out who the. The shooter was in. In New York. And. Okay, the first thing I did, as I do with all public violent episodes, is I make sure he's not a listener to our show. And I search Luigi in our listener membership.

[John Gabrus]

It's like we have six Luigi's, but.

[Ryan Stanger]

None of them are him.

[Jackie Johnson]

When I read, I. I did. I read like, shout out to the guy who does have a Luigi email. I saw you appreciated it. But I did read like they're going through his whole social media thing. And he was like, he was into healthy eating and reading books. And I was like, I really hope this guy doesn't listen to our show.

[John Gabrus]

He does. Like, like the nurse from the Omen. It was all for you. Action Boys jump set the nanny wrong.

[Ryan Stanger]

Brian Thompson, he's trying to get the Action Boys attention. You got to kill the other Brian Thompson if you can't want the.

[Jackie Johnson]

But we do have. We start. This is a Christmas movie. We start with some Christmas music. Happy holidays to all you janitors. Where we're. Christmas Eve is tomorrow. If you're listening to this right when it comes out as.

[Ryan Stanger]

As the Gabriel's boys called it, it's Christmas Eve Eve today.

[Jackie Johnson]

How can you guys come up with that?

[Ryan Stanger]

Well, because traditionally Eve is the day before. And since the 24th is Christmas Eve, we throw an extra Eve on there. And it's just kind of a fun thing because December 23rd is when you have all the promise of what's going to happen on Christmas and none of the fucking commitments like church or like going to grandma's house or something.

[Jackie Johnson]

I like it. I can't imagine going to church ever again.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh, dude. Like the first Christmas that me and Tiff didn't go home, the way we called my mom on Christmas Day, she's like, how's your Christmas? I'm like, it's fucking great. We didn't even have to go to church. She was like, heartbroken. And I was like, I know it's one hour a year, but I fucking hated it every day.

[John Gabrus]

The only church I like is the Hoer song.

[Jackie Johnson]

I mean, maybe we needed it. Time was right. I think they. They said God was dead back in the 70s. Maybe they nailed it. But like, but it's. It's long dead now.

[Ryan Stanger]

I got that from Paul McCartney when I listened to Wings backwards.

[Jackie Johnson]

Shout out to all our listeners and friends of our listeners who contributed to our annual charity show.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yes. Great work all around.

[Jackie Johnson]

We made over $18,000 for National Coalition for Homeless Veterans. Special shout out to Chris, who donated on his own, and he didn't even need the. The show. That guy got it instead of all the other people who complained that they couldn't listen to the show. Once the. The charity drive was over, this dude just went and donated on his own to the extent where the.

[Ryan Stanger]

We got a letter.

[Jackie Johnson]

We got a letter from the National Coalition of Homeless Veterans.

[John Gabrus]

What the did you guys do?

[Jackie Johnson]

This guy donated on your behalf. Thank you. So shout out to Chris. Great job. You get it?

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

You figured it out.

[John Gabrus]

Do a little diatribe about, you know, piracy being okay because I. We could not have fucking advertised that more. Promoted the charity more.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's unbelievable to listeners especially, like, listeners especially. I have no excuse.

[John Gabrus]

I felt like it was almost too much, you know, because it was for a charity.

[Jackie Johnson]

I thought we were being annoyed. Annoying.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

And then. But, like, you can't please everybody. People were mad. They were like, I'm just finding out about this. I was out of the country all November.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, it was. We did like. We did like a.

[Ryan Stanger]

You're bound to miss something. Like, that's what happens when you leave the country for a month. You miss some things.

[Jackie Johnson]

I hear anymore.

[John Gabrus]

We did a social media.

[Ryan Stanger]

You would have had my $10.

[Jackie Johnson]

Was actually gonna buy it. I was actually gonna support a charity. But that. Okay, hey, you might be missing the point a little bit.

[John Gabrus]

We did a social media thing that announced. Great job, everybody. We did it. And people were like, that's incredible. I. Is it still up? Like, I missed it, you know? So clearly they're getting our social media, which was all just the charity.

[Jackie Johnson]

We did too much. Maybe this year. But, like, yes, you can't.

[John Gabrus]

But that's amazing. That much money.

[Jackie Johnson]

Is it still available? Stay in the positive. Thank you, Chris. Who. Who undid our frustrations with that completely by doing the right thing. Christmas is a great time of year for Dark angel.

[Ryan Stanger]

And this is the. About the extent it plays into the movie. No, like, no one gets kicked into, like, Christmas trees or anything later on. This is about. This is about it.

[Jackie Johnson]

There's a lot of Christmas. Like, the art department did their job, but that was. That is about it. Like, the. The. And you know what? That's all you want.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, but I keep bringing up vacation and stuff like that, and it feels like it's so perfect.

[John Gabrus]

It's just weirdest ever. But could we have Got. I think for a buddy cop movie we need Jack Kane to say like lighten up, it's Christmas, you know.

[Ryan Stanger]

Right.

[John Gabrus]

Are you naughty or nice?

[Jackie Johnson]

You know, something like this will get you.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Ryan Stanger]

Where the hell are you from? Game.

[Jackie Johnson]

Krampus will get you. I'm right here in Houston.

[Ryan Stanger]

Be ready for Schwartz Pete the Black. Pete the evil.

[Jackie Johnson]

Isn't there like that whole German community in Texas? Like they could have just said he was from there.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, give us some.

[Jackie Johnson]

They could have gone to the like the John Claude Van Damme route where they like over. Explain his accent.

[Ryan Stanger]

I was raised in a Swedish nursery. I was adopted by Swedish parents here in Houston.

[Jackie Johnson]

It.

[John Gabrus]

He. His family raised German shepherds and taught them German commands.

[Ryan Stanger]

Taught him. He raised. He was raised amongst German shepherds.

[Jackie Johnson]

I'm actually part dog. What movie is this?

[Ryan Stanger]

Call me Dog Laundry.

[Jackie Johnson]

You must be Talic, the bad Al.

[Ryan Stanger]

He like there are two aliens. One is obviously good because he has a worse ponytail.

[John Gabrus]

Cuz he's a like amazing basketball player.

[Jackie Johnson]

One's got to be a cop because he's got a worse haircut. He must be one of us. So we have some. We have a guy in a Mercedes and he puts his Christmas CD in the CD player and it goes crazy. This is early $70,000 for this car.

[Ryan Stanger]

They.

[Jackie Johnson]

And they put in a CD player.

[John Gabrus]

This guy's great.

[Jackie Johnson]

I actually think the dialogue in the movie isn't bad.

[John Gabrus]

Me either.

[Ryan Stanger]

No.

[Jackie Johnson]

Story. Yeah, he definitely did a p. The story is. What? What like they're. They're.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. The macro of it is Gabriel's described.

[Jackie Johnson]

We don't have to repeat it, but the. It. It pops out and he fumbles with his car, slams on the brake, misses a bus. And then he goes into in like a Christmas tree farm on the side of the road.

[Ryan Stanger]

A beloved location from filmmakers.

[John Gabrus]

What's back to Lethal Weapon.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, it's all. It like obviously comes from Lethal Weapon, but people abuse it.

[Jackie Johnson]

I feel like every Christmas. I gotta tell you, I've told you guys. I worked at one once before and I did too. It was a crazy job. I mean you're just. But. But I had to stay there overnight. Ooh.

[John Gabrus]

Didn't have to do that. I don't know if I remember this because they.

[Jackie Johnson]

They didn't. Yeah, I've told. I'm sure I've told you guys this before. Like I. I mean they paid me extra to essentially and it was. Was sort of fun. Me and a couple other friends just drinking coffee, making sure nobody stole all the Christmas trees that were in. I think we were in. I think we were at Madison Square, which is not Madison Square Garden. It's the actual square where they, they just throw a bunch of Christmas trees every year and you're just making sure crazy people don't steal them all. And this is the year I saw two Santa Clauses get into a fight.

[Ryan Stanger]

Where there two Santas enter. One Santa leaves one Santa.

[Jackie Johnson]

It was his territory and he was offended that there was another Santa. Like, apparently that's like not kosher.

[John Gabrus]

Mixing some stuff up here. But sure.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah. So he got in the, in the, the scab Santa's face and was like, I worked this spot and this is all like at like 5 in the morning.

[John Gabrus]

Wow. So they're, because they're, they're showing up to kind of do the get, get situated and do their whole day there. And it's, Is it for like salvation armies or is it just.

[Jackie Johnson]

I think the, the, the scab Santa was maybe just a guy with a Santa suit. Yeah.

[Ryan Stanger]

Not even part of the union.

[John Gabrus]

God damn. Did it end up on the ground?

[Jackie Johnson]

No, it was like just a, like heated fight.

[John Gabrus]

Wow, that's cool.

[Jackie Johnson]

I sent the. Oh, I forgot like. Oh, this is a good. Jog my memory a little bit. So when we announced the upcoming movies, if you're in the Shadow World Wolf tier, and one of the perks of that tier is we tell you what the movies are ahead of time. Usually I'll post it. I'll find some dumb image of Sylvester Stallone or something. So of course I look up to see if there's any pictures of Stallone with Santa Claus and I find one from an article about different Santas. And this Santa is like, like everyone is like the Santa for charity. And they'll do this profile of this famous Santa who like goes to different like hospitals and stuff. And then they're like the Santa with a, with a copyright. And it's like Hollywood claw. He, he's like Santa Claus to the stars copyright. And he claims that he has worked every major Hollywood party that needs a Santa Claus for his whole career. And he says he, I couldn't find it online, but this guy says he has a photo of himself with Charles Bronson on one knee and Pee Wee Herman on the other knee. Which seems crazy that these guys were at the same party.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

And that they post like, I don't, I, I, I can't believe it.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. It feels like like several different eras in my life at once. But it does. They, it, if you bear down on it, you can See when the years would overlap that they were all big, big wigs.

[John Gabrus]

That for sure that. But Bron, like peewee is a sport, but I can't imagine Bronson.

[Jackie Johnson]

But Bronson loves Christmas and he does love like kids and stuff. Like, like he made some shitty.

[John Gabrus]

There's the famous Kurt Russell story and.

[Jackie Johnson]

And he made a really shitty ho Christmas movie towards the end of his career.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Like a Hallmark style movie. So like I could see him being like, yeah, you helped the kids.

[Ryan Stanger]

Sorry Krampus, time to die. Shoots a bazooka.

[Jackie Johnson]

Peewee, I like what you're doing. Come on. He could have straight up thought Peewee was a kid.

[Ryan Stanger]

Right? Right. Oh like hanging with that underdeveloped developed man.

[John Gabrus]

Like when Tyson like wrestled around with that, with Hasbullah thinking, yeah, it's so, so that's funny. But then later like there's like some clip of an interview that Tyson was doing about it and his like reaction is so funny. He was all embarrassed. He's like, it's a grown man, you know. Poor guy's 27 years old.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. He's playing with him because he thinks, he thinks he's a child. I thought he's like bouncing him around and he's like.

[John Gabrus]

And he's like that poor guy's 27 years old.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. Cuz he was pissed. Has or however you say his name was so pissed.

[John Gabrus]

But Tyson just calling out like how embarrassed he was. And like I felt. He feels guilty. He's like the guy, the guy's 27 years old.

[Jackie Johnson]

What are you going to ask for for Christmas? Ah, go on, tell him. He's the man.

[John Gabrus]

Probably just some vintage pornography.

[Jackie Johnson]

Well, you can work on it.

[Ryan Stanger]

Hey Peewee, I recommend asking for a DVD player so you can watch porno at home. Get a big screen.

[Jackie Johnson]

So DVDs are a nice transition back into the movie. The fucking car, like some like comet or some shit goes into the car and blows up his Mercedes. And a nice touch of the CD rolling back to his feet.

[John Gabrus]

This guy, whoever did the stunt of jumping from the blast is awesome. There's this little, you know, you take it for granted back then, but now watching this and knowing that Baxley has an eye for stunts. It looks great. This guy times it perfect. Whoever's playing it.

[Jackie Johnson]

And our bad alien walks out. He kind of named.

[John Gabrus]

He kind of floats up out of there. I thought it looked pretty cool.

[Jackie Johnson]

Calling him Bad Alien is, I think a re. Like they shouldn't have credited him as that. They should have credit him as like blonde alien. Maybe.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. So that you can maybe think he might be up to good for a little while.

[Jackie Johnson]

I think. I mean again, this doesn't come across in the movie really. The idea is, it's, they're, they're, they're, they're doing a switch on you of this guy's coming out. He. He says I come in peace.

[John Gabrus]

It's. It's a Terminator ripoff. So we get two and you don't know who.

[Ryan Stanger]

Right. He.

[John Gabrus]

He does a. He does like two versions of that come in piece. I like this first one the best. The other one's a little hurried. This one, he kind of stretches it out a little bit and I do think he looks cool with his white eyes and blonde hair and all that.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's a little. He looks a little bit like Patrick Lambert. He's got a little vibe.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, it was. That's another comic book of the time is the white eyes. Is no pupils. That was like. Which maybe I'm thinking is, is. Is also just like really easy as an artist.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. To not draw irises. Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

If you draw the. I always like get so mad when you, when I up a pupil. It's so e. It's so easy to make somebody look cross eyed by accident or like that. They're looking at the wrong things. But yes, you're right. This is a Terminator ripoff. It's a misdirect of. We don't know both Terminator 1 and 2 of. Wait, the cop. Cops are good guys though.

[John Gabrus]

Oh no.

[Jackie Johnson]

Didn't Sven, Arnold's buddy, he double. Double. He also did a.

[John Gabrus]

Did he do a Terminator knockoff?

[Jackie Johnson]

He did a Terminator knockoff. It's called Nemesis.

[John Gabrus]

Oh yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Here's the.

[John Gabrus]

We love the knockoffs.

[Jackie Johnson]

We do love the Knockoffs. It's from 1992. It's with our boy Tim Thomas.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh, hell yeah.

[John Gabrus]

God.

[Jackie Johnson]

Definitely have no.

[John Gabrus]

No memory of it.

[Jackie Johnson]

I've watched it. I think I watched it specifically for the show and I think it was so bad. Oh, actually did a couple Terminator not box. He also did Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe. That's the one I'm thinking of. That might be Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe is. That's. He stars in that one and so does Jesse Ventura as Abraxas. Sven is the bad guy. That one's pretty tough to get through. But I think we, we will have to do it. And here's.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh my God. The quick. The quick Read on. The Nemesis plotline. Alex, a burned out LA cyborg cop is forced by Commissioner Farnsworth to find his former cyborg partner and lover, Jared.

[John Gabrus]

I burned out.

[Ryan Stanger]

You make a cybernetic cop and you just. His name is Jared.

[John Gabrus]

I love how lazy that is. I'm a burned out cyborg cop.

[Jackie Johnson]

Okay, this is Abraxas. Abraxas, guardian of the universe. And this is the blurb from IMDb. An alien policeman arrives on Earth to apprehend a renegade of his own race who impregnates a woman with a potentially destructive mutant embryo.

[Ryan Stanger]

Holy. Holy shit. Brian James is in Nemesis. He's like number 20 on the Gulf.

[John Gabrus]

Where do you think the people that overturned Roe v. Wade would stand on?

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, well, what about the Abraxas protocol? Yeah, well, what are you doing in Abraxas type situation?

[John Gabrus]

We let them decide.

[Jackie Johnson]

I personally think we can abort alien embryos like Abraxas.

[John Gabrus]

He would love. He would love saying that.

[Jackie Johnson]

Abraxas.

[John Gabrus]

You know what?

[Jackie Johnson]

He like.

[John Gabrus]

You know what? He gets into a word that he loves saying. And he'll just keep saying, you think.

[Jackie Johnson]

Hannibal, he's the bad alien talc. So that's our. Our intro to what you rented as Dark angel on Amazon for me. Maybe apple for Gabrius. Yep. Or maybe you watch it on, like, Fubo or some. But then the credits for us by others.

[John Gabrus]

I watched it on Amazon Prime. I did search it out and it was like, oh, if you have an MGM plus subscription, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Little late to the party there, dudes. Good luck. Hey, get on board with MGM Plus.

[Jackie Johnson]

We have all your favorites. Dark Angel.

[John Gabrus]

We're not going anywhere. Don't worry about us being absorbed into another company and still continue to pay.

[Jackie Johnson]

Your money's safe. The fucking turnover at these companies has to be like a new executive every week.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, yeah, just. I just imagine, like, empty office buildings and, like, paper.

[Jackie Johnson]

The. The, like. The LinkedIn profiles of these people are like, MGM plus March 3rd to March 13th, 2024.

[Ryan Stanger]

You meet.

[John Gabrus]

They're doing original content. You meet to go in and pitch, and the guy's just, like, sweating through his suit, you know? You're like, okay.

[Ryan Stanger]

He's like, do me a favor. Grab that box. Bring it down to my car with me. Yeah. Make sure you cash that check today.

[John Gabrus]

What?

[Jackie Johnson]

MGM plus, home of the sweaty pitch.

[John Gabrus]

And you're like, they have, like, 15 original movies, they're in development and like.

[Ryan Stanger]

10 shows, and you're at Amazon prime pitching and they're like, we really like your idea, but we think it's more MGM Plus. And then you got to go down, like, nine floors to be nine and meet, like, one absolute fucking, like. Like psycho sitting under a pipe.

[Jackie Johnson]

He's like, hold on one second. This is my wife calling. She's getting railed and wants me to hear it.

[Ryan Stanger]

And you just get railed by a Hulu development guy.

[John Gabrus]

You look at, like, the posters around there, and there's, like, an original series called Criminal Negotiation. And you're like, what the.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah. Pretty impressive, right? It's doing really well for us. It is, yeah.

[John Gabrus]

It's been on for seven seasons. I've never seen it, Heard of it.

[Jackie Johnson]

I remember going to. To, like, I was meeting a girl and her friends who she worked with, and they were all. They all knew each other from working on Criminal Negotiator. And, like, basically, you know.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's so like, I'm there. I have never heard of Criminal Negotiation. I have no idea what they're talking about. And they are all acting as though they just invented Facebook. And they're just like, yeah, well, what's the name of, like, your accountant person are they good with? And I'm like, what, What. What are they all raking? It's like their lives have changed. And they're like, yeah. Talking about cars and accountants and all this.

[Ryan Stanger]

Jesus Christ.

[Jackie Johnson]

And I don't think it could. I don't think that is the case.

[John Gabrus]

No. And you're like, who's the star? And they're like, cole Hauser. And you're like, okay. Yeah, Okay, I guess.

[Jackie Johnson]

Cole Hauser. Whoa. How'd you get him? Yeah, I know. We're really lucky. Hey, we gotta let you go. Cole is Cole. We gotta pay Cole more. And he's the key to this show. Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

He definitely won't leave the second something real comes along.

[Jackie Johnson]

So we have our second. As Gabrius said at the start of the show, this movie has several cold opens. Cold open number two. They all are good.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. I like them all. This is where you third one is the one that has a main character.

[Jackie Johnson]

You're in the safe hands of a stunt man because it's like he. He can't kill his darlings. Basically, it's like, yeah, now we gotta have all. We. We gotta blow this up. We gotta blow this car up. We gotta blow this building up. We. We just. Let's just have them all.

[John Gabrus]

Why not?

[Jackie Johnson]

Now, this could work if it was something like Sorcerer, where we're meeting, like, our main characters and then they would.

[Ryan Stanger]

All engage in some way.

[Jackie Johnson]

No.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's crazy that this movie doesn't have.

[John Gabrus]

Definitely if it was like Sorcerer it could work.

[Jackie Johnson]

Sorcerer or Failure. You know.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Like as a story device. Yes.

[Ryan Stanger]

There should be a fourth cold open Setting up Ben. Ben Setting up the FBI guy. He should get a little fucking flash in circumstance. Like we should see a little from him.

[Jackie Johnson]

Oops. I thought yeah I. My fix for this would be Ben. Ben's gotta go.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah Same Dolph is. It's fine. And let it just be a little serious and let it be Dolph. And also I like maybe a team up with the. With the white boys but yeah you.

[Jackie Johnson]

Know if I think you'd have to rename them something other than the white boys. And then. And then I. I think you just have it a two hander with Jack and Diane. Two Houston police officers doing the best they can. Jack's going to be vice cop star. Diane's mopping up brains in the back victim's car.

[John Gabrus]

That's. That's. I don't think you can drop that.

[Ryan Stanger]

We never hear where he goes for eight days.

[Jackie Johnson]

Right.

[John Gabrus]

No It's.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's lifting up some brain juice in the back of taste Freeze.

[Ryan Stanger]

There's no way that's a bullet wound.

[John Gabrus]

Jack says I'll make a promise if you let me do what I please.

[Ryan Stanger]

This bad alien is in no retreat. No surrender too too as well.

[Jackie Johnson]

Oh yeah. Life goes on long after the bad alien Telek is gone. Do you think the. The Jack and Diane probably a reference to this song would be my guess.

[John Gabrus]

Gotta be somebody laughing their ass off.

[Jackie Johnson]

Okay so we have our next action sequence is. Is the robbery of a Federal Evidence Bureau like a.

[John Gabrus]

It's not the. It's not the police department.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's not the police. It's a. It's a federal building that contains evidence. So it's.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's like the Houston Crime Building more or less. It's like.

[John Gabrus]

It's something where we can have evidence but also we're going to need a police department that doesn't get blown up somewhere.

[Jackie Johnson]

So I'm. I'm wondering how many me. I'm sure we got a bunch of Houston listeners. I know we have a lot of listeners in Texas who made the.

[John Gabrus]

Are you.

[Jackie Johnson]

So we need to say across Texas to go like people would be like yeah I came from. I came from like Dallas or something to. To watch this like in El Paso.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah we had like 500 on that.

[Jackie Johnson]

And they're like nine hours or something. It's like Texas. So big.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. You forget when you have a lot of listeners. Listeners from Houston. We have about 500. We've been calling them. You don't want to be the 499th, that's for sure.

[Jackie Johnson]

Boys. I'm the 500th Houston listener.

[John Gabrus]

You might know me because I was wearing a stormtrooper mask.

[Jackie Johnson]

I also work at MGM.

[John Gabrus]

Plus, if you're going to show up at the Houston 500 with your little dick chubbing up in the lion, don't wear a luchador mask. Just show your face.

[Jackie Johnson]

You gotta own it at that point.

[John Gabrus]

Just own it.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, I want to be 500.

[John Gabrus]

The joke's on you because it's not. We're not allowed to kink shame now. So that's your jam.

[Jackie Johnson]

But are you proud of this movie? Because I think it makes Houston look pretty good.

[John Gabrus]

I like. I like all the neon lights and stuff.

[Ryan Stanger]

Is there one daytime scene in this movie?

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, yeah, because Ben. Ben's tossing his place.

[Ryan Stanger]

All right.

[John Gabrus]

They go to the white boys and they got all their, like, cars parked out in front.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh, yeah, that's maybe the only. The rest is like this.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, it's a lot of wet night, but Houston's a wet city. It's a swamp. But I did. I. I am curious. So here's my question for our Houston listeners. How much has changed? Houston's a huge city. I'm sure there's like. Like la. Like, especially right now. His stuff's getting demolished all the time. But then there are pockets where it. Like, I thought the. The building where Kane lives looked pretty cool. Like, what neighborhood is that? How much intact are some of these places? Let us know. So including this building, the Federal Crime Depository. So the God.

[Ryan Stanger]

Evidence rooms were always just such, like, a dream, you know, it's like, get a fucking. A gun, drugs, you know, like, just imagining what you can get from an evidence room was always like, a little kid thing of, like.

[Jackie Johnson]

I had to watch this movie multiple sittings. So I watched it on two separate nights, which I don't normally do with action boys movies. But revisiting this scene right now, I completely forgot. Like, it is. You're right. Like, why the.

[John Gabrus]

What the.

[Jackie Johnson]

Is this doing in this movie? I guess have the alien do this.

[Ryan Stanger]

Right?

[John Gabrus]

That's so confusing. Like, this whole white boys element. What? And then when we get more into that, where they, like, trade off from one kingpin to the other.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, it's so confusing. And then, like, the main baddie leaves town halfway through the movie. And does it like, you don't even get to.

[Jackie Johnson]

You know, they call it back. They call it back, but you're like. Like, that's the last line. But the callback doesn't. Like, you forgot about. The callback is too deep at that point where you're like, oh, yeah. It just reminds you of why some of the movie sucks.

[John Gabrus]

Yes.

[Jackie Johnson]

So we get a guy going down a. Like a elevator shaft. He's using a torch. And then another guy is using a torch to cut through a grate into some other entrance on this building. And we got a shady cop saying like. Like, Sergeant Hoptus, J38. And then over the PA system, we hear Sergeant Hopus, J38. And so Sergeant, or Sergeant Hawkins, rather, Sergeant Hawkins is like, hm, that's weird. And he goes into J38. It's a room. Titles are going up. And one of the title cards at this point says, and I wrote it in my notes. Music by Yan Hammer.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

And yeah, throughout the movie, you're like, God, this is so much like Miami Vice. And then when you look it up online, it's like he reused music from Miami Vice. It's not just his signature sound. It's just out and out. He's just like, nobody's gonna watch this.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. Tiffany. I disagreed on the music. She said that it made the movie sound cheesier. And I said it makes the movie sound more like a movie. And I was into the.

[Jackie Johnson]

I like.

[John Gabrus]

It's a little uneven for me.

[Ryan Stanger]

This is.

[Jackie Johnson]

This is Miami. This is just. I was like, God, this is so much like Miami Vice.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Because they get some saxophone in there too. But it's a little uneven for me. I could have. I like the music right at the beginning. And then there's a couple of parts where I really like it, but it doesn't quite endure.

[Ryan Stanger]

There's more than you want. Yeah, yeah. It's like more bad than you want. Yeah, yeah. This dude opens a fucking switchblade and then throws it directly into a cop's chest. Like the last kind of knife you want to be throw. It's combining too many things that people in the 90s and late 80s like in action movies. Like. No, why would he throw it? He could walk up and stab the guy.

[John Gabrus]

And how sharp is a switch? It absolutely would have just bounced off this guy's.

[Ryan Stanger]

It would have closed.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Ryan Stanger]

It would have went like a toy knife. Instead of going in his chest, it would have just bounced off and, like, the blade would have went back.

[John Gabrus]

I do like the actual Hawkins. Tight curly hair though.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yes, his hair is wild.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. He's on the tail end of when people could still have curly hair like that. It's 1990.

[Ryan Stanger]

In case you're not going to watch this movie, we're going to keep referring to a criminal gang as the White Boys, which is their name. But they are not white supremacists or bikers or any of your traditional white gangs. They're just like three nerds in suits with MP5s.

[John Gabrus]

They have a very weird like kind of COVID for what.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's so weird, I almost bought like, it almost seems like it's based in reality. So you guys said they, they throw a knife at Hawkins and the assassin takes off his jumpsuit and he's wearing a, a, a cop uniform. And the guy who called in Hawkins before is also wearing a, a police uniform. And they meet up in the hallway and of course this was the evidence room where they took a bunch of bags of heroin and shout out to the props department for making it a little bit off white.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

So our eagle eyed viewers can tell that's probably not cocaine. It's something else.

[John Gabrus]

We got a lot, a lot of heroin experts that love this Boy is based.

[Jackie Johnson]

We. For new listeners, we had a psycho who used to listen to the show who, who we called it heroin. And he corrected us. He was like, no one calls it that. Everyone calls it boy.

[John Gabrus]

And then we kind of laughed about that and made fun of it or talked about it or whatever. And then somebody else wrote in and like, I can vouch for it. I'm a former addict. It really is called boy.

[Jackie Johnson]

So now that's all we refer to it as.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

If you're wondering why we keep calling it boy so much, and that's for you at home. Now you, you can talk to your kids about boy.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Anybody says it wrong, you correct them. You know, it's been double verified on our show, so. Triple.

[Jackie Johnson]

And now you understand so much more about music because the amount of songs that are actually like, you think they're. It's just a cute girl meets boy song. No, no, no.

[John Gabrus]

She becomes a junkie.

[Jackie Johnson]

She's a junkie. She's not, she's not obsessed with this boy. This boy is, isn't fine. It's. The heroin is finely cut.

[John Gabrus]

Sorry to ruin music for you.

[Jackie Johnson]

Sorry.

[Ryan Stanger]

Call the Moyle. Someone cut the boy.

[John Gabrus]

They cut it with laxative.

[Jackie Johnson]

I want to hear that song, that pop hit called Boil.

[John Gabrus]

Call the Moil.

[Ryan Stanger]

Call the Moyle. That boy is cut. Who cut the boy The Moyle cut the boy.

[Jackie Johnson]

So they leave the. The evidence room, and they check out this b. This heroine with the. The evidence checkout guy, the property master. And I actually like this, where he's like. This guy makes a joke of, like, some party, and they're like, hey, we don't joke about this stuff. And the guy is like, okay, that's weird. And he calls in on these guys, but it's too late.

[John Gabrus]

Did you guys notice this guy's fucking bouffant coiffed hair? Like, it's just like. I mean, they really have him. Like, this guy came in with some great hair, and they're like, we're gonna fucking blow dry this. And who gives a. This guy spends 15. This character spends 15 hours on his.

[Jackie Johnson]

Hair before there's some.

[John Gabrus]

I mean, he's got a Brazilian blowout.

[Jackie Johnson]

There's some good late 80s, 80s, big hair. I'm assuming they filmed this in 89. Yeah, maybe 88. I don't know. Yeah.

[Ryan Stanger]

The girlfriend, the love interest, Me, she's got a little helmet going on, too.

[Jackie Johnson]

Well, she's got the crazy thing where they, like, straighten it out in the very back so there's like. Like an undergrowth kind of where it looks like you're wearing a wig on top of your actual hair.

[John Gabrus]

It's got a crazy ledge. Like, it's a little too.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's got a tear like she has.

[Jackie Johnson]

She had. I mean, it's funny that a stuntman directed this movie. A stunt coordinator. Because she looks permanently like a stunt woman. Like, you know when they cut away from the actor into somebody in a crazy wig. Yeah, that's, like, a little too agile.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Really taking those stairs. Stairs.

[Jackie Johnson]

So they get in a car, drive out of there, and one of the guys drops a briefcase, and you're like, okay. They don't give a. About, like, this other stuff. They don't need it. And then, boom, the whole place blows up. And they're, like, so super evil of, like, no witnesses. And they all laugh. Well, I like insurance.

[John Gabrus]

Little misdirect, because the guys that are driving are like, hey, what was that all about? And the guy's like, no witnesses. And then they all.

[Jackie Johnson]

What the Was that?

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Little insurance, no witnesses. And then instead of being pissed at this guy, they're all like, we're bad guys.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Okay. Let's finally meet our hero, Jack.

[Ryan Stanger]

And how do we meet him? Letting his partner die.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, my God.

[Jackie Johnson]

So. So, yes. We start. This is. So. We have an alien invasion. Then we have a. A Heist explosion. Now we have a. A stakeout about gone awry.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh, they should be called the White Collar Boys. And then that would be such a.

[Jackie Johnson]

That would make more sense.

[John Gabrus]

That's maybe what it was. And somebody's like, it's too much for.

[Jackie Johnson]

Dolph because they're all White Collar Boys.

[Ryan Stanger]

He does sound like he's reading it phonetically backwards. And then the track is playing it. White collar.

[Jackie Johnson]

The White Collar Boys.

[John Gabrus]

They had to use a Wings album.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's like, it's. I. I kept on. I got obsessed with it. Washington it.

[John Gabrus]

Because I was like.

[Jackie Johnson]

I think he's like too precise.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Is his problem.

[Ryan Stanger]

He. Because he's. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. He's so focused on the accent. He's not delivering any emotion or theme or anything.

[John Gabrus]

They're probably coming some bringing him in for some cleanup on ADR too, where he's really like.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, see, I thought of it as more of. He's got the problem that athletes have. Have with the art. Sometimes of you get so obsessed with hitting, fixing these things that it loses any of the magic, right? Oh, for sure.

[John Gabrus]

I mean, he's doing it in the mirror 5,000 times before he's saying the White Collar Boys. And it's impossible for him to throw anything away because it's like he can't, you know, so he has to fucking enunciate everything. And so he can't just give a quick throw away.

[Jackie Johnson]

And a guy like Van Dam. There is none of that. There is absolutely. No. It's just like, whatever.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Just have fun.

[John Gabrus]

That's why the movie JCVD was so good too, because he's just like just in it and just like, just put the camera on and let him ramble.

[Jackie Johnson]

So he's eating a big sandwich in his car because he's on a stakeout and he's listening to a drug deal go down. We've all seen a million action movies. You know that this guy is his partner who is sweating the deal. It's a bunch of evil white guys that are selling drugs to a nervous black dude. And this is 1989. You know, this dude's toast.

[John Gabrus]

This is. I think this is cut. Weird. And I think they have him leave at a weird time. I think this could work if he. If he. He left a little late, like earlier.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yes, A little touch before. It was getting escalating the point.

[Jackie Johnson]

Such a mess. I think you one, you need to know that it's his partner ahead of time.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

There's Zero tension at all. So, like, so you. At first, you just, like, you've seen action movies so you know it's his partner, but they don't clarify that.

[Ryan Stanger]

No. And they don't. You don't get anything out of, like, maybe these are just. He's just listening in on two different criminals. Like, it's not like there's any heir to the, Like, a mysterious air that helps the story at this point.

[John Gabrus]

Just tell him this is the, like, your next partner. All right? But just go in there and play it safe. Okay.

[Ryan Stanger]

You know, like, that.

[John Gabrus]

Don't worry. I'll cover you.

[Jackie Johnson]

Nothing will. I promise. I've made my promise.

[Ryan Stanger]

Nothing will distract me.

[Jackie Johnson]

So, of course, a car pulls up full of, like, psycho guys that happen to be robbing a liquor store.

[John Gabrus]

This is.

[Jackie Johnson]

Is.

[John Gabrus]

This is a Baxley. He does great. Psycho gang people rubbing, robbing. This definitely made me think of Stone.

[Ryan Stanger]

This is, like, one of my favorite cliche, one of my favorite tropes of the movies we watch where it's like, okay, this has nothing to do with the plot, but we need a crime to happen nearby.

[Jackie Johnson]

I think the crime's got to be more up. Also, I think these guys got to be, like, sexually assaulting somebody because, like, let the guy. Let these guys rob a liquor store. Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

I was thinking pull out a hostage stitch. Like. Yeah, yeah. Like, shove or, like, throw somebody through some glass. Something that would make him leave his part.

[Jackie Johnson]

So just, like, he goes in there, he. He takes his. His little earpiece out, and he's like, okay, keep talking.

[John Gabrus]

This is right after the guy. Like, the. Who is it right now? Manning. Victor Manning or something. This is right after he says, like. Or a cop. Like, in a really?

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah. Victor Manning is sniffing out. He's like, you're not a cop. Stop.

[Ryan Stanger]

Right?

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

And that's right when he pulls.

[Jackie Johnson]

Okay, keep it. This is. This deal's taking forever. I better go stop these guys.

[Ryan Stanger]

And what's the earpiece hooked up to that? He can't walk with it.

[John Gabrus]

It just.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's plugged into the car.

[John Gabrus]

It's also this whole, like, exchange between his partner, like, Tarver or whatever his name is. It's all this weird stuff about, like, you got to get your master's degree now. I did. I could get a master's degree in international banking, and that wasn't the case. And then now where's the job security in this? So I got another master's. He's just, like, rambling on and on.

[Ryan Stanger]

Seems like White Collar Boys again.

[Jackie Johnson]

He's like, the university has sucked my dick.

[John Gabrus]

So it's getting heated in there. And then Jack real bad. Hold on. Somebody's gonna steal a bag of potato chips.

[Jackie Johnson]

Perfect. So Dolph goes into the store and. And meanwhile these guys are immediately like, you're a detective. Like, as soon as he goes in. And ultimately like, so what did he sell out his partner for a hundred bucks? Huh? Detective Ray Turner.

[Ryan Stanger]

And he also, the way he. The way he breaks up the fucking robbery is he knocks one guy out and then stands there silently with his gun out while the other guy is like the crazier one. Turns around with a gun, doesn't drop his gun when he asked him, and then shoots him in the fucking head.

[Jackie Johnson]

There's no urgency to his, like, just go in there and fucking knock these guys out as fast as possible and get. Get to your partner.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. Dying for him to get back to his fucking thing. Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

And meanwhile they like, are like you cops. The. The evil. Our evil drug dealer who's. Who's selling the heroin that just got stolen to undercover cop Detective Ray Turner, our lone slice of diversity in this movie. Oh, there's a. The. Our. Our along is in this also as another drug dealer. And he's. He's like, you should have known better than to mess with me and my white boys.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's crazy. It sounds so stupid.

[Jackie Johnson]

So they shoot him and then boom. In bust our alien, I come in peace. Our big blonde, he's got. He shoots a disc. It makes you wonder why they started the movie with the seed. Because it's.

[Ryan Stanger]

That's such a confusing misdirect. Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

It looks so much like a CD. Maybe this wasn't a problem back in 1990, but like, just give the guy. Make him with his radio or something instead or make the fucking. Make the disc black or something.

[Ryan Stanger]

Right? Because it. It should be super new technology. Like it. It also like if everyone has CDs, the disc is less crazy that when they find it like it. It doesn't make a lot of sense. And you're right, it muddies it in a way. But if. I wish I saw this when I was 14, I might have been absolutely taken away by the disc that can ricochet and slice everybody.

[Jackie Johnson]

Slices every. It kills everybody there that hasn't left yet. So basically they're like the. The white boys are there with Turner to kill him and they shoot him and. And Manning. Or our big bad guy leaves and the Alan comes. Comes in. Yeah. We never see him again. He sends a post. He. He Sends an actual postcard. We never see him again in the film. Meanwhile, Jack is slowly, like, helping the liquor store owner, being like, merry Christmas.

[Ryan Stanger]

Hey, if this. He gives him a shotgun and says, keep an eye on.

[Jackie Johnson]

Keep an eye on him.

[Ryan Stanger]

I'm hearing gunfire coming from where my partner is. I'm going to go listen. It's in.

[Jackie Johnson]

He, like, rolls into the bar. It's real funny, Ray.

[John Gabrus]

This is. You really get to see Dolph stretch here.

[Jackie Johnson]

Come on. Come on. Over Ray's dead body.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, man. God bless.

[Jackie Johnson]

He's a lot more like McBain from the Simpsons. Come on, Ray.

[John Gabrus]

Jesus. Come on, Ray.

[Jackie Johnson]

So it's a crime scene. I always love such a cliche that. I love the. The cut from the dead body to the crime tape. Yeah, that jump in time.

[John Gabrus]

Yep. You'd think for this, you know, for what they're trying to do in this, it's fine. But if it's ever anybody else, it's like, hey, maybe we should try something.

[Jackie Johnson]

The chief getting out, and. And they. They kind of try to connect the dots for you. It's like, yeah. Did you hear about the explosion at the federal warehouse? Nine dead, 13 injuries. Yeah, lovely.

[John Gabrus]

This chief, what he has to do is so nuts. Like, the. The connection of lines that this guy has to do throughout this movie is baffling.

[Jackie Johnson]

Looks like the white boys went through a Cuisinart. Kane was the first one on the scene. This is where you first learn that Dolph's name is Kane. And it does make you want to fucking burst out laughing.

[Ryan Stanger]

Again. Going back to your 90s superhero thing. Like, Kane is such a. Jack Kane is such a alias, like Noren Rad. You know? Like, it is just the perfect, like, jack Kane becomes Hellblazer.

[Jackie Johnson]

And this is where, like, the. The captain has to do the thing where he, like, is furious at Kane, but also respects him too damn much. He can't do anything. Like, where it's like, I'm sorry, Kane, but God damn it, I want to throw you through a window. Yeah. It's so funny.

[Ryan Stanger]

I don't know if this is now, but I'm just going to spill it. The best version of that is, Kane, you're off this fucking case. You gotta go on vacation, FBI guy. Hey, you're back on the case. All right, well, go get him, Kane. It's like, why is this any of this in the movie?

[Jackie Johnson]

He killed my goddamn partner.

[John Gabrus]

There's. You think it's gonna be like this, where he's kind of in trouble or, like, the cops are against them because he got his partner killed. But the FBI's making him back on the case. But it's, it's, there's none of that. 10.

[Jackie Johnson]

This is the kind of shit we love in movies where, where he, the chief wants him to take an eight week vacation and they don't even explain exactly how he up you. He's gone for eight days.

[Ryan Stanger]

He's gone for eight days. It blew his relationship with the ME and we. But we only saw him just immediately in a sting.

[Jackie Johnson]

He's been disappeared for eight days going after Manning, presumably with his partner.

[Ryan Stanger]

So why is he in trouble if him and his partner were gone for eight days working on the case?

[Jackie Johnson]

I love this. And this is like a hilarious character trait. This is, this is akin to a job interview where you have to be like, well, my fatal flaw is working too hard. It's like, promise me, promise me you're going to take your vacation. Jack, you're the only man I know who would rather die than break a promise.

[Ryan Stanger]

Are you threatening me? Worse. A promise, right? Something like that.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's so he, like I'd take a little time to patch up your relationship. And of course he's, you know, his, his girlfriend is also part of the police force. She's a mortician. She, she is the coroner for the, the police department. And she's beautiful.

[John Gabrus]

Betsy Brantley, who apparently Stant was the stand in for Jessica Rabbit. I mean, she's been in other stuff, of course, but. But did all the kind of. We were just talking about that earlier.

[Ryan Stanger]

Standing.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, maybe.

[Jackie Johnson]

So the FBI shows up and they take him into, they take him into the bathroom. Nice touch of having one cop taking a piss in there and they're like, beat it.

[John Gabrus]

And he starts jerking off.

[Jackie Johnson]

This is Agent Switzer. Sweetser, is it? It's Switzer.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's Switzer. But yes, my wife's business is the Sweetser life. So it's very confusing watching this. He's a lot. Switzer is a liar.

[Jackie Johnson]

So the FBI is involved in it because of the bombing. And now you understand why they had to make that building federal to have this kind of make any sense.

[John Gabrus]

Well, they, they also seem to be very interested in the weapon too. Like they kind of start hitting, hinting at like their interest in like the, the, like the extraterrestrial aspect of it all.

[Jackie Johnson]

And they want Kane on the case, but Kane, of course just went on vacation and he's, you know, this FBI guy's like, you're back on. And tells the chief and The Chief's like, ah, okay, well, let me introduce you to your partner. Partner. So they're doing a lot.

[Ryan Stanger]

They're trying to do. They're trying to do too many of the tropes and they're so close together that they don't all make sense. Partner. It's like, you can't. You just got reinstated. Like, you can't. Fired partner. So then we FBI, we. We caught ex girlfriend. Dead partner.

[John Gabrus]

Dog.

[Jackie Johnson]

My partner's dead. Here's my ex girlfriend. She loves me but hates me. Everyone loves me but hates me. I'm too good dog. Damn good kid.

[John Gabrus]

I didn't know about alien parents coming to stay.

[Jackie Johnson]

Get the space gun. Grab the space gun. I can't wait to do a show in Houston where we get a bunch of guys dressed as Dalek.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, yeah, that and the arm, like the army shirt, you know, coming down to your knees underneath.

[Jackie Johnson]

Double jackets.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Is that a Houston thing? The double jacket?

[John Gabrus]

The suede. Like he had like a suede mad double jacket.

[Ryan Stanger]

What is this, an action boy sleepover?

[John Gabrus]

He had a suede jacket, a brown suede jacket. That's like a matador jacket. It's like that.

[Jackie Johnson]

You actually increase the chance of getting pregnant with. Double jacket.

[John Gabrus]

What was that? Kubrick movie?

[Ryan Stanger]

Full length jacket?

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, doll. It wouldn't let Dolph in it.

[Jackie Johnson]

So what are you, Italic or an Azek?

[John Gabrus]

But fortunately, we established the pro, like the importance of Jack Kane's promising so that when Azek brings it up later, it so intro.

[Jackie Johnson]

Brian. Ben. Ben. He's Agent Smith of the FBI and he is an acolyte of the Director Switzer, who we just met, and he's obsessed with Switzer. Switzer wrote the book on the FBI and policing, and he's all about rules. And you, you have your classic what's supposed to be a rogue cop and a guy who plays it by the book. But that is one of the problems with Dolph and why he works so well as a villain in Rocky 4. He really seems like a guy who plays it by the book.

[Ryan Stanger]

He should be a. He should be the alien in this movie.

[Jackie Johnson]

He should be.

[Ryan Stanger]

I sent you guys a picture of the guy who played the alien with his shirt off at like 60. He's absolutely shredded.

[John Gabrus]

I like the bad alien. I think Dolph by himself, you know, bad acting by himself. Going after Alien would work, I think.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, I think, like, you could have Dolph as the good alien having to work with Brian. Ben. Ben.

[John Gabrus]

That could be fun.

[Jackie Johnson]

That's a Good fix to stop and like Brian. Ben. Ben thinks he's the alien. We've done another Maas Hughes movie.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yes. He's so familiar.

[Jackie Johnson]

I. I know we've. We've seen him before. Or at the very least, I've like, ended up on TC 2000. Yes. Oh, he's TC 2000. Yeah.

[Ryan Stanger]

No way. That's awesome. Yeah, that's where we know him from. We'll see him again when we do Retreat. No surrender to on April 1, 2026. The craziest thing is he's in a movie called Aftershock that I kind of want to see. An alien visits Earth during World War three, learns English by absorbing a dictionary, and meets good and bad earthlings. That's the write up. And it's R rated. Like, what the.

[John Gabrus]

The crazy thing is Jay Bylas is Azek, who's like a basketball star and like an ESPN analyst and stuff. It's like the only movie he did. He just got cast in it because he was tall.

[Ryan Stanger]

That's crazy.

[John Gabrus]

What a wild career.

[Ryan Stanger]

He's got a weird haircut.

[Jackie Johnson]

He's on like PTI all the time. Well, he's bald. I think they just like glued some hair on the back of his head.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Just left the forehead on him to let you know that he's a good.

[Jackie Johnson]

Pretty good. Good. He's pretty good. Like talking head. Did I think Matthias. Unless I'm. I'm thinking of somebody else. I think he wrote a book that we talked about on TC 2000. Yeah, he did. And it was shirtless. It's called Shirtless in Hollywood, the Battle for Hollywood.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. You tracked it. You tracked that down. That he written the book and we want to find it. Like, it's. Is it.

[Jackie Johnson]

No, it's easy to find. Yeah. Yeah. You can just buy it on Amazon. I was like, we might have to read this at some point.

[Ryan Stanger]

This might be a homework assignment.

[Jackie Johnson]

This is the. This is the. I probably read this already in the. In the TC 2000 episode. Welcome to my world in Hollywood. A world that I had set out to conquer with my eyes on the prize to become a movie star. A road traveled and spiked with events and hair raising experiences that make you wonder. Just sit back and enjoy a firsthand look into my Hollywood world of glitter, litter, power, fame and fortune. A world where serious and talented artists flock in from around the world with dreams of making it to the top. A world I live in, which is barely separated and yet vastly shared with hustlers, con artists, wannabes. No, this is. This is Gonna be hard to read if this is how difficult. Just reading the blurb.

[Ryan Stanger]

The blurb with the one that's probably been re edited like that. Has a professional copywriter help him?

[John Gabrus]

No, no I don't. I think it's going out out hot off the press. Thanks for the recommendation on the Matthias Hughes book. I read it in two days and have tons of notes in the margins.

[Jackie Johnson]

So yeah, I would kind of like to this. This seems like an interesting character. He. I mean he seems like a gold gym, Venice kind of parking lot guy. I'm sure he's worked out with RFK Jr.

[Ryan Stanger]

RFK Jr. And the Worm in his brain spotting him on his 1 RM. Ben Worm. You worm. You grab the other side there.

[Jackie Johnson]

This. I mean this was in the New York Times because it was so weird where he posted this video that he's like getting ready for the inauguration and he's got like. He's working out in his standard uniform, no shirt, jeans. And his trainer who's you know also.

[Ryan Stanger]

Ripped goes does the handstand.

[Jackie Johnson]

He does a muscle up into a handstand and then. And because. And then RFK does like a skin the cat. Skin the cat through him. And it's not like a feat of strength by RFK really but it's crazy looking because there's a guy doing a handstand above him there's two men sharing.

[Ryan Stanger]

A pull up bar. And it's super. It's like Cirque du so gay. And he's. It's like ready for inauguration. It's like what? And people are like that's my fucking department of health.

[Jackie Johnson]

Understand the handstand's impressive.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

There's one person doing an impressive feat of strength. There's another person that's not doing anything that I. That I.

[Jackie Johnson]

That would be scary to do.

[John Gabrus]

Yes.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh yeah. On a rogue rack or whatever like that you fall down. Like there's so too many things dangling from that.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, it's.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's not like the monkey bars.

[Jackie Johnson]

I don't know. You might be able to get a better grip on that rack.

[Ryan Stanger]

That's true. Cuz it's definitely a better grip than like a straight thin bar at a playground or something like that.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yes.

[Ryan Stanger]

For handstands. Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Just usually a lot of gyms let those go get rusty.

[John Gabrus]

And you saying that Gabris reminds me of just trying stuff at like your school or a park or something and just eating bad into like the cedar.

[Ryan Stanger]

Wood on underneath it when I had.

[John Gabrus]

Oh no, I'm hurt bad.

[Ryan Stanger]

I can't believe this has probably never come up on the podcast before, but I'll say it. I'll say it. For the first time in, like, second or third grade, a group of girls, like, beat the out of me, pinned me on the ground and put wood chips in my mouth, like, off the ground, and were, like, jamming wood chips into my mouth. And now I, like, can't get off without that energy. But at the time, I was really.

[Jackie Johnson]

Hard on this fucking record.

[Ryan Stanger]

Truly bullied by, like, five chicks. Five other third grade girls pinned me down to the ground and forced fucking wood chips into my mouth. And wood chips were such a bad idea for the ground. In playgrounds, like, kids would just jump off the slide or whatever and be like, I have 25 splinters now. And teachers would have to just fuck, you know, send you to the nurse.

[Jackie Johnson]

I have to do handstands at all.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

My face is kind of fucked up from trying to do some. Like, it looks like I got punched in the face because, like, it makes all the blood vessels Larry's pop. But then for a couple of days, it looks like you're in an abusive.

[Ryan Stanger]

Relationship or you're a drunk. You got, like, the Gin Blossoms.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

I have an exact parallel story to Gabriel's with the girls that I've already told before, so you can find it somewhere in the show, because I've already told before, but the handstands I would do, but I could never quite do them right because there's a way that you kind of set in. You have to have, like, the shoulder, the right shoulder mobility. And I was doing this Ashtanga yoga for a while. And that's a big part of those. Like those, like those poses, you know, like those standing poses or arm poses or whatever. Arm balances. And like, I. I could kind of, like, muscle it, but I could never do it, you know, if you do it right, you can hang in it for a long time. And I was always just, like, struggling, like, RFK, under 95 pounds on an incline bench.

[Ryan Stanger]

I was always. Yeah, I was always happy to show off the fat guy handstand. And then like, at the beach, I could like, walk on my hands for, like, you know, 10 to 10 to 20ft. And so I would always be doing, like, that. Yeah, the.

[Jackie Johnson]

I remember an interview with McCartney where he's like, I can do a handstand. These big guys lifting them, doing handstands.

[Ryan Stanger]

Simply standing upside down on my hand.

[John Gabrus]

What would you rather. Would you rather be super strong or be able to do a handstand and have the music career of Paul McCartney.

[Ryan Stanger]

I'd rather squat 405 than have Paul McCartney's ASCAP money.

[Jackie Johnson]

Sorry, sorry. I gotta get that PR. I need. I need to be able to deadlift £3,000.

[John Gabrus]

Wouldn't trade.

[Ryan Stanger]

Dr. Rhonda Patrick says quad strength is directly correlated to life expectancy.

[John Gabrus]

Be sure to give her notes when she shows her weightlifting on the Instagram. That fucking shit pisses me off so much like.

[Ryan Stanger]

Like they don't think she has like an elite level coach helping her. She's new to lifting weights and she's doing good stuff.

[John Gabrus]

I like the effort, but make sure you keep your back flat.

[Ryan Stanger]

From guys who look like me just going like, shut up. I would make sure you're ripping the newspaper in half with your feet.

[John Gabrus]

That's where you're like. You read that stuff and you're like disgusted to be a guy.

[Jackie Johnson]

Get offline.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

You're like, I hate. I get it. Like guy like a white male. Like, I hate it.

[Jackie Johnson]

But yes, I'd rather be able to squat 400 than have the long career of an 82 year old billionaire.

[John Gabrus]

A generational artist.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, generational. Most important artist in with the history of humanity. Make the argument for.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

But yeah, that's on the 400 is a lot of weight.

[John Gabrus]

Not nothing though. It's not nothing.

[Jackie Johnson]

So we go to the morgue where Diane says that, you know, something sharp, sharp cut all these men's throats and they don't know what it is.

[John Gabrus]

She couldn't even make that kind of incision with the scalpel.

[Jackie Johnson]

Razor thin and razor sharp. And then we get her side, she's like eight days Jack and not even a phone call.

[John Gabrus]

So here's the eight days thing. You're like, wow, this is really important.

[Jackie Johnson]

Like what I like. And then this is a good line. I like abuse as much to the next girl.

[Ryan Stanger]

Makes no sense. Crazy sentence. She has a few of those. I thought I'd be the one that choked your little ass out or whatever.

[Jackie Johnson]

But when I was wondering. I think it's, it's. It's just like, you know, the classic hor. Toxic cliche of like. Girls actually like it when you treat them bad, right?

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, that's what Mr. E told us.

[Jackie Johnson]

Mr. E is the pickup artist.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Come up on the show.

[Ryan Stanger]

The guy that. The guy that we keep on retainer here at action boys for $2,500 a month. Who helps us with our. With our ws.

[John Gabrus]

Helps us, you know, with women in our hats. You know what Kind of hats to wear. Goggles. Goggles on the outside of the hat.

[Jackie Johnson]

So the. Well, yeah, we all Peacock here. Hey, welcome to Peacock. I work for Peacock. I work peacock. April 10th.

[Ryan Stanger]

You're in the right place. Yeah, we don't have air conditioning down here. No, you're in the right place.

[John Gabrus]

Bring your own snacks.

[Jackie Johnson]

Nope, this is it. I'd offer you coffee, but all our cups have holes in them.

[John Gabrus]

Hope you don't mind the candles.

[Jackie Johnson]

You see? Okay. I can't.

[Ryan Stanger]

I've got milky good alien eyes.

[Jackie Johnson]

I can't read your document. Sorry. We can't see down here. What's the news like? Hello, outsider. Welcome to Peacock. Can you tell us news.

[Ryan Stanger]

Is the sun up?

[Jackie Johnson]

When I was wondering whether you were alive or dead, I was rooting for dead Smith. Is like, a pretty healthy relationship you have there.

[Ryan Stanger]

That's one.

[Jackie Johnson]

That's one.

[Ryan Stanger]

I don't. And you're like, one.

[John Gabrus]

What?

[Ryan Stanger]

What is it?

[Jackie Johnson]

That straight up does not pay off when he gives him two. It wasn't even, like, an insult, I don't think.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, and then three is at the end of the movie. Just throws him up like it makes no sense.

[Jackie Johnson]

So they go to the crime scene, and we're cutting between them looking for the murder weapon and the alien opening up his. Oh, this is where we meet the good alien. We have like a. A, a. It's an abandoned building sl like homeless encampment where a woman who. Who's, like, pushing, like, cans around and stuff, like a shopping cart. She's by a wall and the wall, like, blows out. And now we have a new alien. A super tall guy with this guy's got dark hair taped on the back of his head.

[John Gabrus]

He's got hair.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. He looks kind of like Tim Heidecker as, like, Spaghett. Like one of his, like, weird bald cap characters.

[Jackie Johnson]

Like that is. I mean, what they did, right? This couldn't possibly be Jay's actual hair.

[Ryan Stanger]

No.

[John Gabrus]

He seems like a conservative guy. I don't think he was doing any kind of fucking Jake the Snake. Look there.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's weird. I mean, this is like Ventura.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Jake the Snake had luscious locks. I mean, we got to be able to find a picture of him. And yeah, he's. I mean, all those pictures of him are just like, conservatives, right? Looks more like one of the white boys. Oh, maybe. Maybe he was growing it out. We don't know.

[John Gabrus]

Could have been. Yeah. It was 1988. You know, things were different then. People were trying stuff. He was, you know, dipping his Foot dipping his toe into the acting pool.

[Jackie Johnson]

So Kane can't think. He's got to get out. He's got to go to a bar because he's that kind of guy. Even though we don't buy it for a minute that this, like, you know, fucking male model needs to go to a fucking dive bar to, like, clear his head.

[Ryan Stanger]

God, dive bar. I love that this movie fits with the cliche where it's like, I got to go think next shot. Close up of tits.

[John Gabrus]

I mean, that's a Baxley thing too, because it's in Stone Cold and there's definitely nudity in action Jackson. I can't remember if there's a strip bar.

[Jackie Johnson]

There's probably right before we get to our pool hall slash strip bar car, we get our first alien murder. It's at a bail bondsman shop. And the bail bondsman is like, getting drunk, watching It's a Wonderful Life. So there's little Christmas things like that throughout the. The movie. It's. It's really funny how Set Deck how.

[Ryan Stanger]

Into Christmas he is. He's like, having an emotional one, but he's like, shut this goddamn dog up. Like he's trying to do too much. Like he. But he's like, caught up singing for Old Language tv.

[Jackie Johnson]

And then he's like, who's out there? You pinko son of a. I love.

[Ryan Stanger]

He's like, you think I'm scared? Shooting out his own glass and stuff.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, shoots out his own shop window. And then our blonde alien busts through, and he's got like a like, wire that pops out of his wrist, like, gauntlet type device that also shot shoots a CD player. This shoots like a little mini spear and it lights up green, ready to fill them up with heroin. Then when it's all done, it lights green. It retracts back into his wrist, and then the guy's all up. He's got a hole in his chest. Then our alien punches him in the face or does something to his head. We don't know. It's still a mystery. Ultimately, we what it what turns out to be. He's got a spike in his wrist too. That sucks out some brain juice. It's in endorphins to make bussy.

[John Gabrus]

Now, I don't want to tell Talic the bad alien, how to do his job. It seems like he could just get.

[Jackie Johnson]

Junkies do this like a weller.

[John Gabrus]

Definitely get junkies, but also get a lot more people. Especially since he's administering the drugs. I mean, what does he do? Like one every Three days for how valuable it is.

[Ryan Stanger]

Well, to be fair, if every time he had to do it, you had to watch the nine minute lead up of the girl mechanic fake doing construction, you're going to. You know, you got a fucking.

[John Gabrus]

Well, I don't know. I mean, it just seems like he could just fucking get, you know, a couple of people a night. I mean, he really only gets like three or four people, right?

[Jackie Johnson]

So Jack can think of this pool hall slash titty bar, and he's like my old pal Boner.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Michael J. Pollard.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yes.

[Ryan Stanger]

This guy's great.

[Jackie Johnson]

We've seen this guy over and over again.

[Ryan Stanger]

He's I rec. I remember him best as the tech guy in Tango and Cash who gives him the fucking cool car. This is voice is so amazing.

[John Gabrus]

He's one of these guys that they will ask for a type, they'll say they want a type. And he's like, just give me the fucking job.

[Jackie Johnson]

Curtis Armstrong, who plays Booger in Revenge of the Nerds in his book, said when he was starting, a lot of people said he was the next Michael Pollard.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Like, he would go into these meetings and he wasn't sure how to take it. He was like, yeah. I mean, the guy's like a character actor. He's always working. And then he said he went into a grocery store one night at like, late, and it was empty. And he. And he was shopping and he just saw Michael Pollard, like, sitting on the floor examining two different cans of beans. He's like, this is who I am to these people.

[John Gabrus]

The Martians got the drugs.

[Jackie Johnson]

I do. He's playing some guy named Slick. Who? Then of course, Jack. Either they're. He's about to win the game. He's gonna sink the eight ball, but then Jack picks up the Q.

[John Gabrus]

That's interesting, you mentioned Q. I wonder.

[Ryan Stanger]

Hey, like a cue ball.

[John Gabrus]

I wonder if that'll factor.

[Ryan Stanger]

Still don't even understand how that works.

[John Gabrus]

Ricochet.

[Jackie Johnson]

Cue. Cue ball.

[John Gabrus]

Q and A. Titties, titties. Cue ball, titties, vest on titties, vest. Titties, vest with titties.

[Jackie Johnson]

Pretty good line. I mean, this is like these guys know what kind of movie they're making. They're making garbage. That's the only time you would ever write something like this. And like, you came here to pump Boner. That was your plan. But no, Jack made this connection between the cue ball bouncing around the pool table and the disc bouncing around the room, slicing the throats of the white boys. Could that be what happened? What if it Was a projectile like a cue ball.

[Ryan Stanger]

What the you talking about, you big long legged sicko? I make more money than you, I'm younger than you and I'm a piece of.

[John Gabrus]

Shut up, rwood.

[Jackie Johnson]

Now that's a murder weapon. They find it sunk in a speaker. It even cuts Smith when he tries to get it out. Out.

[Ryan Stanger]

I think this is kind of cool. It's kind of still moving somehow.

[John Gabrus]

Like.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

When they pull it out, it bounced around the room again. Almost kills them. Does seem very dangerous.

[Ryan Stanger]

And then we get the Sam Raimi cam on the fucking thing whipping around. We get the POV of the disc, the frisbee disc.

[John Gabrus]

Fun. This is all. This is all fun to me. When they're kind of dealing with the sci fi stuff, it's fun to me. Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

I mean, you could see why. It's like people love sci fi movies. It's like, okay, okay, let's sci fi up our cop movie again.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. I mean, it makes.

[Jackie Johnson]

They didn't.

[John Gabrus]

It makes the bad forgivable because you're like, all right. Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

But it reminds me of a lot of horror movies that are made right now where people are like, people love horror movies. Let's just crank one out.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Ryan Stanger]

Let's just make a movie that we like, something we've seen before, but now it's also horror.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah. Okay. And that's how you wind up with all the filler on shutter and stuff of like, just like, wait, what is this? I saw there's, There's. This is something maybe I'll save for another episode. But I was watching a trailer for a new action movie is when I went to see Gladiator 2. It's with the dude from what's his name? Data from Goonies who just won best actor.

[John Gabrus]

Key Hui Kwan.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's called Love Hurts. Have you guys seen the trailer for that?

[John Gabrus]

I haven't. I haven't.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's. I mean, it's. It's, you know, now a new, like, old dude who's stuck in an action movie. But the issue I have with it is it looks so much like every other. You could edit it with that one that. What's his name from Mr. Show did.

[Ryan Stanger]

Nobody, Nobody, Nobody.

[Jackie Johnson]

Like all these movies kind of taken.

[Ryan Stanger]

Kind of kicked it off. And then John Wick kind of added like a style to it that people rip off too.

[Jackie Johnson]

Like, you get. The style is very much across the board. You could just. I think you could take a scene literally from any one of these movies and just insert it into the other movie and you wouldn't be able to tell at all.

[Ryan Stanger]

Right.

[Jackie Johnson]

So uniform. And I was thinking about the movies that we cover. I know, granted a lot more movies are being made, were being made and people were willing to take much bigger risk. But these were seen as commercial trash. But I thought they were pretty distinctive looking movies. You could tell like, oh, this kind of actor has this kind of movie. It's going to look this. Even the fighting is going to look different. Like the violence in an Arnold movie is going to look a lot different than the violence in a Van Damme movie.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

And now it's across the board. Kind of all looks uniform.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. It's like they need to, hey, this, we're filling the gap for this kind of movie this year. And it's.

[Ryan Stanger]

You have to make one of these every year. Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

You have somebody that's 60 plus, they're, you know, they're going to do this. This is the kind of martial arts and this is the way the guns are going to be.

[Jackie Johnson]

And this is looks the same like regardless of how old I guess the protagonist is, it's like not that similar. It's Marvel movies without any of the superhero mythology in it. They just kind of just throw it in the quote unquote real world. But it's still kind of the same sort of fast paced, slick look to it. I don't know. I don't know.

[John Gabrus]

I'm with you.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

I, that's why Stone and I watched.

[Jackie Johnson]

He might be great, but that was my takeaway from watching the trailer.

[John Gabrus]

Stone and I watched the X trilogy and those are fun. Like Stone loved it. He, he's like super interested in how all that played out. But that was fun because the guys, I don't know, trying some stuff and they all, they looked and kind of felt different in the pacings. Interesting.

[Jackie Johnson]

These were just different like funny tweets you saw on X. Yeah, yeah.

[John Gabrus]

It was three different ones. Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

The three very funny tweets you saw.

[Ryan Stanger]

On X and you and Stone sat down and watched it on Father's Day together. You read three tweets together. That's all I have time for.

[Jackie Johnson]

You had to take a nap after that. I mean that's a lot. Lot.

[Ryan Stanger]

Well, stone read them 140 characters three times. That, yeah, those, those are fun. I like miss. They don't even make like now everyone knows martial arts and everyone who knows martial arts also knows guns. And it's like everyone just has guns and martial art. It's never like someone who can do one or the Other and is kind of trapped. All fight. Coro is just like, everyone's good at fighting. It's not like, like, the big, strong guy fights a little different than the small, fast guy or whatever.

[John Gabrus]

It's also like, you see all these people on their social media. They'll all post at the same gun place where they go, where they go through and like, ding, ding, ding, like, hit all the things.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

And it's like, it's very cool. It's very impressive. Good for them. But it's also like, hey, you know, this has been done 409 times already, so we'll just do something different, even if it's technically wrong.

[Jackie Johnson]

You know, like, people, people like, you know, researching our seagal roast, I, I read about all these UFC fighters who kind of were on a keto of being, like, useless and, and finding the video of Dick Cavett that was making the rounds because Mike Tyson, I think, upped how much, like, Mike Tyson's fight led to a lot of Mike Tyson stuff getting pushed on me in, in the algorithms that feed us. But there's this famous clip of Dick Cavett trying to flex a little bit with Mike Tyson in the, in the late 80s where he's like, you know, the, he's like, grab me right here. Now, a small man like me, like, you are a big, strong guy, but the aikido master can. And he, like, reverses the grip. And Mike Tyson just looks and was like, yeah, but who's going to grab you like that? This.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, either I saw this, or you also sent it to us, because I definitely remember this. I, I. And it is really funny because he overhand grips both wrists, like, something that's never happened to. It's only something a guy who used.

[Jackie Johnson]

To, like, jump people in the street is like, this isn't how this works. You hit them and you rob them. But, but, like, but you read a lot of that stuff about, like, Aikido being, like, not being the most functional martial art out there, but it looks really cool in movies, and it looks different than the other stuff. So it's like, yeah, yeah, put it in the movie.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. Only the strong taught us that maybe capoeira doesn't work great if you're getting jumped in a bar, but let's make a fucking movie about it.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, by all means. If you're, if you're doing a fantasy.

[Jackie Johnson]

Movie movie and honestly get a actor who, like, is really good at using a screwdriver or some, like, you know, like, and have. That's his weapon of Choice. That could look good and different. It doesn't matter what it is or.

[Ryan Stanger]

How did you guys real.

[Jackie Johnson]

It is how useful it is in the real world. But visually, it might look different and interesting.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh, it reminds me of that movie Jersey. You were never really here. The Joaquin Phoenix movie where he kind of like, kills everybody with a hammer. Hammer. It's awesome.

[John Gabrus]

I was gonna say, speaking of this movie, what about when old.

[Jackie Johnson]

Of course.

[John Gabrus]

What about when Jack hit some spin kicks? You're like, hey, great.

[Ryan Stanger]

Thank you.

[John Gabrus]

I'm sure this cop wouldn't do that. But he hit some, like, crazy big old doll spin kicks, and it's pretty fun.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, they look good in the liquor stories. Doing all his spin kicks and. Yeah, and he does. And he's. It's like, yeah, Dolph's a big, long guy. I. Yeah. Give him big ass kicks.

[John Gabrus]

Big ass kicks coming from across the room.

[Jackie Johnson]

I always liked it. Always seem some guys like, I. I always like that Indiana Jones seemed kind of like a dirty fighter because he's just a guy, you know, where like, yeah, all right.

[Ryan Stanger]

He just wants to win. He's a. He's an archaeologist who sometimes has to throw a haymaker or a, you know, a cheap shot.

[Jackie Johnson]

And I love that, like, shooting the guy with the knives and stuff, it's like, yeah. I mean, he's just a. He's not a fighter. Where it's like, okay. And that, to me, factors into it too, of like, well, what's the actor that you got playing this? What can he do? I mean, that's why it drove us crazy when we saw Arnold doing ninja.

[Ryan Stanger]

Stuff in oh, Eraser. Yeah. Yeah, that. I. I harp on this all the time because I think fight Cor. Like Coro style can really help flesh out a character. And I think especially when, like, the John Wick movies are fun and all, but when everybody fights the exact same way, like, that's why when Bobon shows up, you're pumped. Because it's just like a different style of fighting. At least everyone just does, like, arm rolls. Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

John Wick, great. But they did it. Now you got to do your own. That's it.

[Ryan Stanger]

Can't.

[John Gabrus]

John Wick did it. So don't just do the John Wick.

[Ryan Stanger]

Did it four times. Probably gonna do it four more. Just try something.

[John Gabrus]

Don't get the John. John Wick team and do the exact same. It's just like, dude, you know, let.

[Ryan Stanger]

Make a movie that's just called, like, Sword Cop. There's a cop who has like a. He learned the broad sword in like refuses to get rid of it.

[Jackie Johnson]

Born Identity had a lot of like, I, I have issues with those, the, the choreography in those movies and it led to a lot of imitators. And then for a while we had just a ton of born fights which were very close and super fast and.

[Ryan Stanger]

Choppy and all that.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, I liked the, for the Doug Lyman one. The first one is the Paul Greengrass ones which other people prefer, I think. But for me it's a little too much. Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

But it was, it was a new thing that people, they tried something looked real and looked new and so again we talked about it before. People just taking the wrong thing away from some of these movies. Movies. To me, the cool thing about the Bourne movies was the concept which led to 3 billion like books even after the author stopped writing them. You know where it's like the Ludlum.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. And then it was.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, like how many born books are there?

[John Gabrus]

There's, I think by him there's, you know, there's a reasonable amount.

[Jackie Johnson]

There's got to be at least a dozen by him. Right, right.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

And then there's. And then there. And then there's ghost writers just like doing like a Jason Bourne novel.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

I, I think I've never read the Bourne book.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's comprised of 19 books. After Lum's death comp. Eric Van Lust Bader and Brian Freeman kept it up, but 19 total now.

[Jackie Johnson]

So yeah, I mean that. It's a really good story. It's a really good concept of this guy who got his mind wiped. Wiped. I mean it's been done in different forms, but he nailed it. I mean that's the, the thing that I mean. And then the first movie's good.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

But I think we're now still suffering from kind of the John Wick grainy, you know, fallout.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. That kind of like saturated colors and real quick choppy shit.

[Jackie Johnson]

So we touch back in with the sci fi stuff. Stuff. The. We get another murder. Basically what we'll later learn. The evil alien. The. The. When you pause your it on Amazon, it tells you this is bad alien talent. He is filling these people up with heroin. They are getting euphoric and creating endorphins in their brain which then he bottles sucking it out of their brains. And then it is a rare drug on his planet and he is being chased by this dark haired animal alien.

[Ryan Stanger]

Now I. Before we get this full reveal, I really like the idea that this alien had to go back in time to get heroin. Was. I know it's not time travel and it's like maybe alien, but to me, I like so.

[Jackie Johnson]

So real quick, Gabrius is just offering his own theory on what's happening.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, I, but I really like the idea that this alien needs to get heroin because they don't have it like even on their planet. It's like heroin sells like gangbusters. It's like I gotta fly to Earth to get this heroin shit. But then it's one step more complicated than that in a way that I enjoy thoroughly.

[Jackie Johnson]

So what? Turns out these guys are aliens. The dark haired alien is a cop who's after this drug dealing alien.

[Ryan Stanger]

And even, even like the creative, like you can't even imagine a world, a fully realized another planet. The only difference is they have milky white eyes and like agility. But they all, they still have cops and drug dealers.

[John Gabrus]

Well, we find out that the bad alien is just a dealer, so.

[Jackie Johnson]

So we cut to Jack's place. It's like Smith is mad about it. Should we go to the station with the weapon? No, a friend at university, I want to show him first. Would you like some wine and what? Some wine.

[John Gabrus]

Blown away by how nice his place is. Kane's place.

[Jackie Johnson]

He's like, he's classy.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. He's not like fully adorable. Now this is an interesting idea for a character too where he lives his life like a piece of shit. But he's got like Bang and Olufsen stereo system at home and stuff.

[John Gabrus]

That's the problem with Dolph too. It's like Dolph fits right in there. You need somebody. Yeah, you need somebody like fucking. That looks more greasy and dirty.

[Ryan Stanger]

Bruce, like Bruce Willis could pull that off of like. Oh, he's surprising. Got a, he's a, like a rich one.

[Jackie Johnson]

I mean I do love multi, multi faceted characters of like people are so obsessed with shrinking everybody down. I mean, look. Yeah, the, our listeners love to do it to me where like they can't imagine like as somebody with diverse interests. Like for example, where we really loved it was murder at 1600. And that one is a surprise prize where it's like, yeah, I've got a bunch of Civil War figurines in my apartment. It is, I mean that might be, that might be the all time unexpected character development.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. When you have to give your main characters something interesting to make them just not your normal cop or U.S. marshal, whatever. And then he makes full scale. He's a black dude who makes full scale. Civil War.

[John Gabrus]

That's a good, that's A good call. Now, now. I'll try to think so I can I. I have two movies that we've covered available to me in my brain.

[Jackie Johnson]

So just unrelated.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, I wanted to, like, go deep into my brain and think of, like, other, you know, surprising reveals, but I've only got two available to me. And so that's.

[Ryan Stanger]

Only the strong and only the strong.

[John Gabrus]

The package and I come in peace. All right, we're doing that now.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, that is the movie we're currently doing.

[John Gabrus]

Okay.

[Jackie Johnson]

So, yeah, the package. I guess we don't know much about him. His friend eats candy bars.

[John Gabrus]

I guess that Johnny Utah likes junk food.

[Jackie Johnson]

So Smith leaves.

[John Gabrus]

I love this stuff.

[Jackie Johnson]

And when he leaves, we just have this scene meme of Jack staring at a picture of him and his girlfriend. A big frame photo straight out of the Wolverine.

[Ryan Stanger]

The meme.

[Jackie Johnson]

The Wolver meme. And it. It. So it. This made me laugh so hard of just like. It made me want to get, like, a framed photo. Me with somebody. To me, it's so funny. I can't imagine. I. I don't know. Maybe I just haven't been in that kind of relationship in a long time.

[Ryan Stanger]

But like, no, it's. It's. It's. Again, it's just a trope from these movies that they think has to be in there because here's what I went crazy on. Of course I'm overthinking it. The whole time, I'm like, he was with her long enough that they have, like, a framed photo of each other, but she still immediately drops him after eight days of not hearing from him, knowing he's a profess undercover cop. I don't understand any of the mathematics here. It's like they were together for years, and she was like, he didn't go. I'm undercover. Contacted for eight. Eight days is such a specific amount of time. Don't they even at one point say, hey, if it was almost a week, I could understand it?

[Jackie Johnson]

Yes.

[Ryan Stanger]

And you're like, what is this phrase?

[John Gabrus]

There's like, qualification and justification. And they hit on it multiple times. But you wonder what this picture like, it's very posed. Like, who took it? You know, it's not like, oh, we can.

[Jackie Johnson]

There's a professional photographer.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, it looks like a J. Crew ad or something that would come in a frame.

[Jackie Johnson]

Just. I can't imagine being like, hey, let's get a professional. Like, there. People have wedding photos. They have photos of them at parties. Engagement photos.

[Ryan Stanger]

Right.

[Jackie Johnson]

Family photos for, like, Christmas cards. I get one from my brother and and his family every year. And I like them. I'm not talking about him. I. In fact, it's right now, in our day and age, it's the only physical photos I have of anybody are the, like. Usually the family photos I get from all my friends. The.

[Ryan Stanger]

The.

[Jackie Johnson]

Otherwise, it's like, how many physical photos do I have laying around?

[John Gabrus]

None.

[Jackie Johnson]

But the idea of being like, hey, honey, let's book that photographer agency. Get a photo of you and I in the park.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, just. They're dating.

[Jackie Johnson]

They're just dating.

[John Gabrus]

It's not for any other reason except that they're fucking dating.

[Jackie Johnson]

I just want to picture us like in a. In an 8 by 10. It's big too. It's the size of a head shot.

[John Gabrus]

I always just think of when I see like a framed photo, like a band of brothers. At the end, when he's going through that woman's house. House, and she's got like the framed ss like, and then she has to like, clean up, like the. The concentration camp or something.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Then jumps. It jumps to that.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, very effective.

[Jackie Johnson]

So he goes over to Diane's and she's like. Slaps him and she. We hit the promise thing again. Promise me something like, you promise everybody else. I don't know what pisses me off more, you for doing this or me for letting you. It's almost like she's doing scenes by herself.

[John Gabrus]

Truly.

[Ryan Stanger]

I think she might have said that to some friends on the phone during filming.

[John Gabrus]

I mean, it's like she went from fucking doubling for Jessica Rabbit to having to act to nothing. Nothing. You know, it's like the inverse of that. You're like, I. You know, it was easy when I understand why.

[Jackie Johnson]

When I was actually ended up with Roger Rabbit. That's funny as hell.

[John Gabrus]

This is your ex.

[Jackie Johnson]

This is your ex.

[John Gabrus]

What does that guy have?

[Ryan Stanger]

Seeing it, hearing it in that context. He's got. He's got some.

[John Gabrus]

That.

[Ryan Stanger]

He's got that Gwildor.

[Jackie Johnson]

Well, I did Gwildor first.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, but they are close together is what I'm saying.

[John Gabrus]

He's got that kind.

[Jackie Johnson]

He doesn't sound. Yeah, he doesn't sound.

[Ryan Stanger]

Please, Eddie.

[John Gabrus]

What does that guy have that I don't please?

[Ryan Stanger]

The cruisers.

[John Gabrus]

That's me begging for.

[Jackie Johnson]

Please do Cruisers.

[Ryan Stanger]

Please do Cruising Again, the sequel. Al Pacino is cruising Again.

[John Gabrus]

Another cruisin.

[Ryan Stanger]

Hey, I'm here. Just someone swings open. Swings open a bathroom stall and he's getting pounded in the ass. Hey, I'm here.

[John Gabrus]

Doing the Dustin Hoffman. That'd be like, yeah, I would love.

[Jackie Johnson]

To have Roger Rabbit and whatever the detective's name is in that.

[Ryan Stanger]

Eddie. Oh, Cruiser.

[Jackie Johnson]

In. In Roger Rabbit. Whatever.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, Bob Hoskins characters played.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, have them go to the. The M. Shaft.

[Ryan Stanger]

All right, Roger, now play it cool in here.

[John Gabrus]

There'd have to be some tunes we gotta put on our judge traps. There'd have to be some gay tunes in there.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, there's plenty of the zoot suit. Weasels are all sucking each other off.

[Jackie Johnson]

You get Foghorn Leghorn going nuts.

[John Gabrus]

I say, I say, I say, I say.

[Jackie Johnson]

Are you into water sports?

[John Gabrus]

Suffering. Suck my dick.

[Ryan Stanger]

Bottom season. Top season. Bottom season.

[Jackie Johnson]

Anyway.

[John Gabrus]

Enough with our 1980s 80s hack comedy routine.

[Ryan Stanger]

Hey, what if.

[Jackie Johnson]

What if.

[Ryan Stanger]

What if the cartoons went through an orgy?

[Jackie Johnson]

We're at a sex club.

[Ryan Stanger]

Hey, Pepe Le Pew, you're actually okay here. We know you're still too creepy for the sex club. We know guys like you.

[John Gabrus]

We got consent rules.

[Ryan Stanger]

Even Plp can't make it in a sex club. The dirty French skunk.

[Jackie Johnson]

My ex is with Roger Rabbit. He's the most popular tune there is. I see him everywhere.

[Ryan Stanger]

I understand. If I was gone for nine days, but in eight days, she's managed to find a tune. Partner.

[John Gabrus]

Tune.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's a tune. He's.

[Jackie Johnson]

She's with a tune.

[Ryan Stanger]

I was at Azek.

[John Gabrus]

The good aliens. Like, all right, look, but you gotta.

[Jackie Johnson]

Just please make me. Make me a promise.

[Ryan Stanger]

Just, please.

[Jackie Johnson]

The last promise I made is with my girlfriend. She's with a tune now. His penis blows up like a balloon and explodes. She likes the. That.

[Ryan Stanger]

I. I went to a bachelor party last year in Louisville, and we rented a big house. And the guy who rented the house is our dumbest friend. And he, like, he's so. He's like. He's Aussie, so everything is, like, not a big deal.

[Jackie Johnson]

So he just.

[Ryan Stanger]

He just rented a house that's. That sleeps, like, nine for 14 guys. Like, we were all just, like, slaying on the couch and. And I was trapped in the couch with my friend Morty, who's a.

[Jackie Johnson]

This is not real.

[Ryan Stanger]

He's, like, a crazy.

[Jackie Johnson]

I was with my dumbest friend. He's an Aussie, and I was with Morty on the floor.

[John Gabrus]

I'm with you all the time. Gabrius. And you live so much life outside.

[Jackie Johnson]

You live so much life, and you're also listening to, like, 50 hours of an audiobook, and you've seen every TV show.

[John Gabrus]

I feel like you've, like. You got a prestige thing where there's just, like, Multiple Gabriel.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, You've got to relax hole that you're able to go into.

[Ryan Stanger]

I've got a Gabrius who just listens to audiobooks and another Gabrius who watches any action based TV show that comes out.

[Jackie Johnson]

I see I've got a black hole.

[Ryan Stanger]

But my buddy Morty is British and was. We were all tripping and he was wasted and he kept screaming. He was just playing music on his phone to a USB speaker. He was playing Tenacious D's songs and then going, it's a tune, mate. Oh, every song that came on, he'd be like, oh, it's a tune. And it's like 4am and it's just the two of us. Yeah, it is. He's playing like 90s hits going, it's a tune mate.

[Jackie Johnson]

That's a good orange song tune. Everybody sucking and into that. Oh, we're gonna have to ask you to leave.

[John Gabrus]

Hey now. You're right.

[Jackie Johnson]

The next morning, of course he goes to his apartment. It's all been ransacked and, and Smith is there. Either you're Santa Claus or you're dead.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, there's.

[Jackie Johnson]

Okay, there is, there's something.

[John Gabrus]

You're right.

[Ryan Stanger]

You've been robbed.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's me. It's me.

[John Gabrus]

Smith ransacked it.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah. It turns out it was just Smith looking for. Even though he knew where it was. I, I, I think he was hoping.

[Ryan Stanger]

He's got to make it look like a robbery.

[John Gabrus]

Well, he, he doesn't know that it was at the. It's been taken.

[Jackie Johnson]

It hasn't been. Yeah, he doesn't know. It's all already gone to university.

[John Gabrus]

To university.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's already at university.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, thank God.

[Jackie Johnson]

Where the movie shows some restraint. We do have to talk about this. Our, one of our last victims. She's a mechanic. She's super hot. This is like so like this is like straight up a scene from Flash Dance. Yes.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Where this beautiful actress is listening to music, working on a car and the alien of course, rips her shirt open and a shocking display of restraint. Only she's got a bra. She's got a bra on. And, and I appreciate it. In this instance they let her.

[Ryan Stanger]

We get her lead up to her death for like six minutes in an hour and 30 minute movie. Six of the minutes are a character we've never met before. Just going about her just job now I feel awful for her. She's doing like the pretending she's. Listen. She probably has. The music is not playing on the set. She's like got a Fake drum, the stuff. She's got to like look for tools and stuff. And it all looks so like bad acting like I. Something I exclusively do in scenes so I'm. I could sniff it out when she's like exclusively at this point.

[Jackie Johnson]

So we, we meet the guy at the university and he is a.

[John Gabrus]

It's pretty fun.

[Jackie Johnson]

This is a fun choice where he's a pill popper and he's all paranoid that there's an FBI. Smith here is a real life FBI agent and he starts sweeping all the.

[Ryan Stanger]

Pills off and say, why didn't you say something? Look down, there's a hundred loose pills.

[John Gabrus]

He drinks, he drinks like the like chemically enhanced coffee and screams.

[Jackie Johnson]

Which is pretty funny. American coffee.

[John Gabrus]

This guy nails. Nails it.

[Jackie Johnson]

In simplest terms, this is a magnet. He of course, has done all this research on the weapon and they're like, ah, of course. That's why it went into the speaker, because it has a magnet in it.

[John Gabrus]

This is great. I love all this stuff too. We get a little like, you know, half ass scientific explanation for this weapon.

[Jackie Johnson]

I'm in and they're like, yes, human, human beings have a magnetic charge. He's like, yeah, it's like dialing new radio to K I L L. Great. And of course Smith wants it and I did. I like, this guy's like, no, you, you can't. I, I almost killed myself and I know what I'm doing.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

So to me, this guy's fun. The, the half, you know, the half assed scientific explanation is fun. We should have gotten this guy more in the movie and we should have gotten to him sooner.

[Ryan Stanger]

So.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. So like have. Okay, great. We got this guy at university. You're going to take him more of the ALIE Know the FBI is trying to get it, but you're sneaking it over to him. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy. But no, let's get more like, you know, banter between, you know, this failed buddy cop element.

[Ryan Stanger]

It feels so late in the movie to be obsessed with like solving the weird alien weapon.

[John Gabrus]

Right.

[Ryan Stanger]

Like, it just feels like this should have been happening already. And like. Because it feels like it all stumbles. Gun. Yes. And the space gun ends up being like an important thing that they get. And it feels like they probably like the fact that the space gun is one of the three weapons the bad guy has, but it's the one that they need to use to kill. Like there's too much going on where. And, and we. We'll get to it at the end. Of the movie. But the. The thing that undoes almost the whole. We'll talk about it later.

[John Gabrus]

It's so.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's just so crazy. They're like, the disc is such a cool thing. But of course, they also exclusively use the space gun. Like, why wouldn't the Good cop also shoot razor sharp discs? Because you want to see that being used for.

[John Gabrus]

Yes, yes, yes. It's.

[Ryan Stanger]

They really like Chekhov's CD gun.

[John Gabrus]

They're really sitting on all the good stuff that's managed to, like, sneak into this movie.

[Ryan Stanger]

Right?

[John Gabrus]

No, no, no, no. Let's keep developing Dolph's comedy, you know.

[Jackie Johnson]

So we get that. We. This is where. Where Dolph gets a. A package in the mail. And it's a picture of our villain. Remember our. Our fake villain? Our. Our red herring? Victor Manning, the drug dealer. He's in Rio with a naked girl on each arm. Dear Kane, having a wonderful time in Rio. Wish you were dead. Love, Victor Manning. P. S. I told the white boys to look you up.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. And he. This is where he passes it off to his partner. So now we have.

[Jackie Johnson]

Or. I told Warren to look you up. Yeah, yeah.

[John Gabrus]

It's. It's like they. These guys are partners. And it's like, oh, you're like, oh, this must be super important that Manning is not involved anymore. It's like, no, it's already confusing enough. Why not just have Manning do this part? We need, you know, fucking Walter to get involved. Involved.

[Jackie Johnson]

Warren. Warren, he's head of the White boys. Yuppie criminals.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yuppie criminals.

[Jackie Johnson]

Right.

[Ryan Stanger]

White Collar boys makes more sense, too.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

Especially when you see their setup.

[Jackie Johnson]

Also. Call them the yuppie boys. Yeah, call them the preppy boys. Like they're the yuppies. That all works. Yeah, it's all.

[John Gabrus]

Anything's better.

[Ryan Stanger]

Now, if Dolph was not a white actor, like, if that. The guy who's playing Kane is not a white actor actor, then it can maybe work, but it starts to get muddy. Why wouldn't he be the one going in to talk to the white boys? Why would he send his black partner?

[Jackie Johnson]

We get, like, a fun kind of shootout where they're getting chased by the white boys and they have to lose them, and then they go straight to the white boy headquarters.

[John Gabrus]

This. So this is awesome. This is a different movie.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, this is one. He. He, like, has a gun to the. To Warren, and then. And then he's. And then he's like, remember, I have the gun on you.

[John Gabrus]

Like, they walk by all we're still.

[Jackie Johnson]

Stretching out this whole story of, like, the white boys all think that the cops took the drugs and killed all the guys. They don't know about the aliens, and obviously neither does Dolph. So everybody's confused that there's a third party and they're blaming each other. Other.

[John Gabrus]

This. This. I love when he walks by, like, all the Ferraris and Porsches and all that. And then they walk into the building and these guys are sitting down and having, like, a serious board meeting. And when he goes in there, every single guy pulls a gun out.

[Ryan Stanger]

They all reach into their jacket. It's so much fun. They're all like, wait a minute. Come on.

[Jackie Johnson]

Guns on the table, boys.

[John Gabrus]

It's like, you think there'd be like, oh, it's like legit people, like an accountant and hr. But it's like, no, they're all just criminals in suits.

[Ryan Stanger]

Even the HR guy and the CMO and the CF cfo, they're all. And I love the cars are all like, Ferraris and Lambos park.

[Jackie Johnson]

Some reason you cops started a drug war. Drug war? The are you talking about? Drug war?

[Ryan Stanger]

The are you talking about? It's such a funny thing for a cop. Our lead, who's like, solomon, what the.

[Jackie Johnson]

Are you talking a lot in this? And it's always funny. It doesn't come natural. It feels weird.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

And of course, these guys have Smith and they have a gun to them. So now they take Jack and Smith and they make Jack do a drug drop because they don't trust the guy selling them drugs. And they're like, why should we risk it? You do it.

[Ryan Stanger]

This makes no sense. Why? Once he goes inside and closes the door, he doesn't, like, just grab Ali on and go, I'm a fucking yes. Like, you're under arrest. Like. Like, shut the up.

[John Gabrus]

I'm gonna see it all the way through. I made it.

[Jackie Johnson]

And these white and the white boys are already like, we think this guy's gonna rip us off. So you try to do it.

[Ryan Stanger]

And so why are they afraid? They have like, 100 guys with guns. They're afraid of Alyong one luggage salesman, as he's credited work.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yes. He works at a luggage store, which Dolph goes into, gives him a case full of drugs, and then he's supposed to get a case full of money, but it's empty. And Al Yong's like, tell the white boys I said to kiss my ass. And then we get a fun alley chase, and we think there's a misdirect. You think along is waiting to attack him. And this one kind of works because we've seen this guy do so much martial arts and. And fighting in so much.

[Ryan Stanger]

You're actually kind of excited for Al versus Dolph. You, like, want to see them fight?

[Jackie Johnson]

He just drops dead. The alien has already gotten to him again.

[Ryan Stanger]

They almost had something you'd be excited about. And they're like, no, we're we. When you want us to zig, we zag and baby.

[Jackie Johnson]

So we finally, at this late stage of the movie, we finally have the alien meet Jack Kane. And the good alien scares off the bad alien. So Kane lives.

[Ryan Stanger]

I love that the. The strength. Like this is going to be such pedantic bullshit. But the strength of the bad alien we know is enough that he can hurl Dolph like 40ft. And Dolph is a big boy, but he also, Dolph can take six or seven punches on the big alien in the face, like killing.

[Jackie Johnson]

And when they're slowly piecing it together, Diane explains that, like, the heroin creates these endorphins which, like, could somebody bottle that? Well, we don't have that technology. And then we cut to the alien with the bottles in its belt, which, you know, you better start making now for our Houston live show. We really got to see all the.

[John Gabrus]

Your busy belt bottles.

[Jackie Johnson]

We got to. You got to have the bussy. You got to have the little. Little spear device. You got to have the disc. You got to have the gun.

[John Gabrus]

You got to have the little cold air steam come out when you open the. The belt.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. You got to keep dry erase. Dry ice in dry erase board. You got to keep dry ice in your bussy container.

[Jackie Johnson]

And somehow he knows.

[Ryan Stanger]

We all know bussy is butt. All right, We've said it enough times. I just want to make sure because I. I love being able to call myself, like, I'll, like, I'll bend over, spread my ass cheeks and go hit me right in the gabrussi.

[John Gabrus]

You are animated at that point, though.

[Jackie Johnson]

Also, somehow Jack Kane puts it together everything with limited information.

[Ryan Stanger]

One of them aliens, I think, but he knows the second one is a cop. Is what I.

[Jackie Johnson]

These guys don't even look like aliens.

[Ryan Stanger]

No, no.

[Jackie Johnson]

I think we're dealing with our. And not the ones from Mexico top accidentally super topical and one's on our side.

[John Gabrus]

That's one of those things to where as writers are like, how are we going to solve this? And you're like, it. We just got to have him say it.

[Jackie Johnson]

We have no he just know the Disc. Come on. And of course they're their boy Bruce's lab. The pill popper. He's all up.

[Ryan Stanger]

Why? Why he's not dead.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yes.

[Ryan Stanger]

Makes no fucking.

[Jackie Johnson]

It does make sense when you're like, oh, this is one of the only interesting things we got going on. We.

[Ryan Stanger]

Right. We can't. We need a whole nother scene with this guy or else it's, it's. We're bunk. But it is crazy that he's just got. They like punched him in the face a few times.

[Jackie Johnson]

They looked like you were fun. Grocery store, they call it a downtown market where there's a guy's like. I'm telling you, man, it's aliens. Last week you said you saw Jimmy Hendrick at a laundry mat. And then the power comes out. I come in peace. And then the good alien comes in. They fight it out at. There at the station. He tells the captain his alien theory and Smith stabs him in the back immediately. And this is when they should have been friends at. At this point.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, they've already had some like, you know, some bonding. You know, they've shown a little bit of bonding, like getting each other's backs.

[Jackie Johnson]

But then they get. They get called to this downtown shooting. If you can't help, stay the hell out of my way. So Diane is there for some reason and.

[Ryan Stanger]

Just like pulling the busy from their brain. Like everyone knows way too much.

[Jackie Johnson]

Well, now there's like. Now there's like MIB there. So now not even they're letting Smith in because now it's like it's the government. Government boys. The, the, the black ops guys aren't letting anybody in and they're all pissed off. And we see the good cop. He's got the good alien. Rather he's got some like rice pudding wound from this fight with the bad alien. And he's all up and he winds up in Jack's car.

[Ryan Stanger]

We don't know this, but the aliens on their planet are all young, dumb and full of come. He's got like the bishop guts, blood, like it's even more poorly made in this.

[Jackie Johnson]

That's from that Stanley Kubrick movie, double jacket, fulllength jacket.

[Ryan Stanger]

Joker is back in Vietnam in double.

[Jackie Johnson]

Jacket with his twin Joker and Joker.

[Ryan Stanger]

Matt, I don't wear silk.

[Jackie Johnson]

My brother thespian. Oh, no, it's my brother dramatic Batman. My brother Batman. He's a real bummer to have in Vietnam. Tell me where Charlie is. We're looking for curtsy jack grabs Diane. I've been put on vacation. Go Home and pack.

[John Gabrus]

So at this point he's just like.

[Jackie Johnson]

He's like, let's go, let's leave.

[John Gabrus]

This is crazy. Even though he knows aliens are around.

[Ryan Stanger]

He knows aliens are involved.

[Jackie Johnson]

This guy knows his partner is dead and stuff. And like, he's like, hey, Diane, let's just get out of town.

[Ryan Stanger]

I promise, no plans. No plans as to where. You know what I mean? No, like I still owe you that trip to Hawaii. Like just something that makes it feel specific.

[John Gabrus]

We don't even know the name of.

[Ryan Stanger]

Pack up. Quit your job. Pack up. We're going on an eight week vacation.

[Jackie Johnson]

Smith is. Gives him shit and he's like. Or maybe doesn't. All right, that's three.

[John Gabrus]

That's three. Three big booms. Boom, boom, boom.

[Jackie Johnson]

Jack gets in his car.

[Ryan Stanger]

Jack 3. Ah, ah, ah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Jack gets in his car. The animal aliens in there. He must be stopped.

[Ryan Stanger]

He came in my piece.

[Jackie Johnson]

And then, and then Smith comes in and they're still wanting.

[Ryan Stanger]

I like how I think the comedy is played well in this scene of kind of like Dolph and Brian. Ben. Ben both kind of like not really reacting too much to the guy in the back. Like, it's like, oh, Christ, dying in my.

[Jackie Johnson]

Ben, like does finally see. Does a double take and he freaks out and Dolph has to go. Calm down. He's on our side.

[John Gabrus]

This is. I love that they do essentially for this movie, they do about 47 seconds of world building right here.

[Jackie Johnson]

Who are you? I'm an officer of the law like you.

[John Gabrus]

That's it. This is all we're going to get.

[Jackie Johnson]

He wants bus boy. Oh, man. What you call endorphins. What you call boy puts your anus. We call. We call. Busy. If he returns, others will come. It will be a slaughter. You must promise me. I promise.

[John Gabrus]

It's incredible that this doesn't happen in the first 15 minutes of the movie.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yes.

[Jackie Johnson]

And then, then he's. And then Smith's like, well, we got the body. That's proof. And then the body explodes.

[John Gabrus]

Get out of the car.

[Jackie Johnson]

And they're all mad. He's like, Switzer is a liar.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, this is pretty good. Switzer's a liar.

[Jackie Johnson]

You stupid.

[Ryan Stanger]

How you not see that he's going.

[John Gabrus]

To give you the whole you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette speech.

[Jackie Johnson]

Cuz Smith now has his space gun. He saved it from the exploding body which blew up the car. And you would think the alien would have been like, hey, maybe get out of that car.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, thanks for the I'm a lawman.

[Ryan Stanger]

Like, you also watch me go nuclear.

[Jackie Johnson]

So Smith walks half a block and then sells out. He sells out Jack and his. And Switzer is like in is the puppet master. First the disc and now this. You've done great.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. So at this point, even before this, Smith knew that it was extraterrestrial. And the. That that Switzer was like, you know.

[Jackie Johnson]

Switzer's like, don't worry, I won't ask you to kill Jack. And he's like, kill him? He's like, yeah, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. And as he's saying that, he's taking out a gun to shoot Smith. And then of course Jack kills him.

[John Gabrus]

Which is like crazy. Like just murdering like a high ranking FBI official. I mean he saved his friend, but it's still intense. Like, all right, let's just track down this alien and wrap everything up.

[Jackie Johnson]

And Smith is all like sad. He like throws away his Switzer like fan.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Bible.

[Jackie Johnson]

I guess he was a liar.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

And they pull up at, you know, the, the like alleyway where the alien has been hiding out that they like, they immediately like, it was a hilarious checks like. That does sound like this player.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Fucking alien leaves all his junk all over the place.

[Jackie Johnson]

The alien's like, he's at a place with a stomp. He's like, that sounds like the old housing place. And they pull up and we get some good ADR of like. Hey, thanks for helping me back there. Forget it.

[John Gabrus]

You'd gotten to three, but now you're back to two. What? The counting I do. You've gotten to three, but now you're back to two. Eight days I was gone for.

[Ryan Stanger]

It was Santa Claus that robbed my apartment. No, no, Jack, you're on the wrong trail here. We're going to the North Pole.

[John Gabrus]

Did you like the wine? The wine we forgot to talk about.

[Ryan Stanger]

I never heard how much temperature.

[John Gabrus]

Why? Yeah, what he loved. And like he's. It's all romantic. Like Smith. It's actually really good.

[Jackie Johnson]

Hey, your mind was actually really good.

[John Gabrus]

And the. It's like a weird kind of like dick thing too with the painting. He's like, the painting is so, so big.

[Jackie Johnson]

I built it myself. I painted it.

[John Gabrus]

Wow. A little Showdown. Little Tokyo.

[Jackie Johnson]

I painted that painting. Would you like some of my wine? I made it myself.

[John Gabrus]

If you guys haven't listened. In Showdown in Little Tokyo, we talk about. He's in this like amazing enormous garden.

[Jackie Johnson]

With a hot tub.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. And she compliment the woman. He's with compliments.

[Jackie Johnson]

Really nice. Back here is like, I built it. And she goes, biden. I. I guess you did. Is it Tia Carrera?

[Ryan Stanger]

I guess I kept. That's it. I want to say Asia Carrera, but that's the adult film star with the.

[John Gabrus]

Mistake I've made before.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. That's what happened to my school computer. I was looking for the chick from Wayne's World.

[John Gabrus]

It. Google's a. I said it. So I guess that, like, they're able to kind of like look around and figure out what he's doing with his little tools and shit. Or does he get the. Does he find the thing here? I don't remember.

[Jackie Johnson]

This is where they find his, like, stash. Of his stash. Yeah. And it's like. Looks like he. Looks like he got what we came. No, this is what they like fight him here.

[John Gabrus]

That's right. And they're able.

[Jackie Johnson]

He's able to feel that. Shoots the space gun at him. Him. And they find his briefcase with all the heroin bags and the. And. And this is where the alien, like pops up kind of like a horror movie, like out of nowhere. And he tosses Smith and he can't find the gun. And the disc hits Smith in the arm, which pissed me off. It just like bounces off him. Which made no sense with what they already established. Yeah. With.

[John Gabrus]

And also, like, kill Smith at this point. Just have the alien fucking kill him.

[Ryan Stanger]

Cut his fucking arm off or something.

[Jackie Johnson]

Crazy. Hell of a recoil on that. I think I got that son of a bitch. Where is he? They can't find him anywhere. He's like. But I think we got what we came here for. It's the endorphins.

[Ryan Stanger]

They like blew his fanny pack off with the gun.

[Jackie Johnson]

He wants his stuff and we don't want to fight him here.

[Ryan Stanger]

You can get a clear.

[Jackie Johnson]

They're at Jack's apartment coming up with a plan. And he get. He finds a jacket for Smith because he's all bleeding. He's like. This fits. It should. It was mine when I was 12.

[Ryan Stanger]

And it's a tiny. He had a leather jacket.

[Jackie Johnson]

Tiny 12 year old. It's a tiny letterman jacket that says Top Dog on it.

[John Gabrus]

Merch from the Chuck Norris movie.

[Jackie Johnson]

I bring the space.

[Ryan Stanger]

I was a grip on the Chuck Norris movie. This is our rap gift.

[Jackie Johnson]

I. I told you guys already that Top Dog was on our list of movies. And I was like, man, yeah, bring the space gun.

[John Gabrus]

Top Dog is a game piece that gets moved around a lot.

[Jackie Johnson]

Diane's at the door. And the timing Couldn't be worse. She's got all the bags for their trip. I bet you forgot. You did make a promise. Diane, you gotta go. He's like, what are you even. Nice one, Jack. What are you talking about? And then of course, the white boys attack. Oh, no.

[John Gabrus]

Wow.

[Jackie Johnson]

Everything at once. And then guess what? The aliens come up. Another cop comes up. We got everybody. It's a clusterfuck. Here at the end, it is kind.

[Ryan Stanger]

Of fun to watch the alien blow away the white boy. Like you're like, okay, yeah, this is cool. Like there should. I WISH There was 60 white boys.

[Jackie Johnson]

Diane's there.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

Some from outer space.

[Ryan Stanger]

These are. Those are my favorite one liners where you really actually should be answering her. Like you really should be explaining.

[John Gabrus]

Line is said to Marvin the Martian in the sex club scene.

[Jackie Johnson]

Well, say that's an from outer space.

[John Gabrus]

Thank you very much.

[Ryan Stanger]

He just pulls his pants down and it is a black hole like his face. Just a floating purple Cheerio in the middle.

[John Gabrus]

Immersion. That was Rogers doing sound effects to Blinking Eyes Perfectly time somehow.

[Jackie Johnson]

So what the alien shoots are the last remaining white boy. Boy who killed a cop. So there's now a black and white there for the sole purpose of the alien getting in and chasing our heroes. And they go through a chase through a mall, which we all love, love.

[John Gabrus]

Malls in action movies. This chase is really fun. And they're kind of how they're interacting.

[Jackie Johnson]

I like when the one cop like crashes into a. A post and the alien kind of smiles. Like, got him.

[John Gabrus]

He does like the one like, show of emotion here is like he.

[Ryan Stanger]

He's excited by like his damage he's doing.

[Jackie Johnson]

So they. The cars explode, they roll. The alien doesn't die. They all wind up that in a factory or a plant of some kind that's abandoned.

[John Gabrus]

Amazing.

[Ryan Stanger]

Even Tiffany, who's been like on her laptop next to me while I'm watching this goes. It's always ends in a factory. Huh. Like she's barely paying attention. Doesn't record six hours a week of talking about action movies. And she's aware that they always end.

[John Gabrus]

In like, Tiff would probably know about this, but people would buy these, like, put these barns up to have weddings in, right? And then people will just straight up rent them out like all year. And like, just weddings come through and they're like these beautiful barns with chandeliers and shit. I think we should just buy a factory and just wait for.

[Ryan Stanger]

Just wait for action movies to be filmed. Wait for an actor to get old enough and famous enough to Do a take and rip off. We're just like constantly like Udo Kier, your time is now.

[Jackie Johnson]

I was looking up some abandoned buildings in my hometown that I kind of remember. And the, the like anybody would there. Shout out to anybody in Buffalo.

[Ryan Stanger]

I was looking up abandoned building in tarps in Buffalo and that I remember.

[Jackie Johnson]

Shout out anybody in Buffalo that remembers the. The Wonder Bread factory that is close, closed. You do a quick. Do yourself a favor, search the. The. The abandoned Wonder Bread factory in Buffalo because like kids have partied in there and so it's full of like spray painted lockers and like your bottles. But it's. And all it's. It's straight out of a comic book because somebody knocked down the like N and the D. So it's like now just like it says, like one, one read. I mean I would love to film a shoot out there place dying for it.

[John Gabrus]

I toured a wonderbed wonder bread factory in like elementary school. We like just walked around and saw how they did everything. And then at the end they're like, we'll give you a mini loaf of Wonder Bread. And like it smells like the bread in there. And you just watch there's like vats of everywhere. And then at the very end they pass them out and they're in like the plaque plastic Wonder Bread bags with a little twist. And we're like all pumped for like our little loaf. Like a miniature loaf of Wonder Bread. And then you open it up and it was just like a hot dog bun.

[Jackie Johnson]

I guess like, well, I guess that's so smart.

[John Gabrus]

Technically.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, it's all the same. Yeah, they got your ass.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's a bummer though.

[John Gabrus]

Does anybody have questions and like, no. They're like, what the are we gonna ask that?

[Ryan Stanger]

We, we went on a tour, so.

[Jackie Johnson]

Why are we here?

[Ryan Stanger]

We went on a tour of the Sam Adams factory and Sam Adams Brewery and there was like a big school. No, no. Tiff took me for my. For a birthday and we went past this big. They're like, take out the hops and smell it. And then I was like laughing with. I like put like four hops in my mouth and just started chewing like Tiffany was like. And then someone else is like, can like separate. Doesn't see what I'm doing. Like, are we allowed to eat the hops? The guy was like, ah, I wouldn't recommend it. They don't taste good. I'm like, look over. The tour looks over at me. I have like hops falling out of my mouth like a kid. I was Like I thought that would be. Thought it would taste more like beer.

[Jackie Johnson]

And this poor gentleman can't help himself and that's fine. So Jack rips out of speed.

[Ryan Stanger]

The tour ends with sitting down and trying some of their like, oh, this never was released to market beers. And you know, we have a bunch and everyone's having like little sippy cups. I'm there for like my 24th birthday with Tiff and she's promised to be a designated driver. And I'm at like peak alcoholism. So I got like fucking hammered in like one hour. Everyone was like sipping, kind of peeling off. And then they had to kind of sit like. Well, the next tour is going to be coming through. I'm just sitting there alone with like hundreds of little empty plastic cups around.

[John Gabrus]

You got to get rid of.

[Ryan Stanger]

You all right, sir?

[Jackie Johnson]

No, don't worry. When you walked in, they knew exactly what they were getting. 24 year old Gabrius walked into the brewery.

[John Gabrus]

They were able to profile.

[Jackie Johnson]

We're not surprising anyone.

[Ryan Stanger]

It's snowing out now. I'm in like a fucking mesh tank top.

[John Gabrus]

This guy will eat hops. He will drink too much. He will pass out.

[Ryan Stanger]

This is like he's a fuck. We have like a Saint Bernard coming on the tour today. He walks on his hind legs.

[John Gabrus]

He will eat hops. He will eat out hops from Zootopia.

[Ryan Stanger]

He will eat things to make a billy goat puke.

[Jackie Johnson]

So they come up with this plan where they're going to. They, they need a trap for the alien. They go up high where they're going to shoot at the alien. They, they, they get him in a trap.

[Ryan Stanger]

Almost a not plan at all in such a funny way. It's like we're going to paint a hot. A tunnel on a wall and hope the alien runs.

[John Gabrus]

I was thinking this is so funny. It's like a little like box with the stick and there's like a little like bread trail.

[Jackie Johnson]

And it does. It's like Wiley Coyote where like then the alien walks in it and the he Smith fires the gun. It's out of bullets. It's out of space bullets. Even Jack is like, it's empty.

[John Gabrus]

Stop.

[Ryan Stanger]

And well this kind of annoyed me because. Because they've been going and like we're up to four now. Like he's like, like it's got like.

[Jackie Johnson]

Turn this thing all the way up to four. It's like you didn't start with that. You dumb. Now luckily Jack has a shotgun which he unloads on the alien who just jumped in up into the window, out of, like, the trap spot.

[Ryan Stanger]

This made me laugh so hard. The alien leap. Because he also then has to turn around and leap back down, like, five seconds.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, I mean, it's.

[Jackie Johnson]

Well, I. I do, like, because then the alien has the shot that they wanted and is shooting at them, and he's just shooting behind them as stuff blows up.

[John Gabrus]

It's a good. This laugh that you had is a good primer for the. The famous and final showdown between.

[Ryan Stanger]

Jesus Christ. There is nothing. This is banana.

[Jackie Johnson]

He's dumping. He's dumping barrels down. He's like, get the hell out of here. Everything's exploding. The. The evil alien jumps down and knocks Smith into the car. Pretty good scene stunt, however, they did this.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah.

[Jackie Johnson]

And I mean, it looks tough. Alien takes Diane hostage, let her go, and he smashes one of the canisters of endorphins. And this really hits the alien hard. He drops Diane. Then we have a little bit of a Predator moment where Jack drops his weapon. And the alien's confused. Like, all right, I guess we're dropping our weapons. And the alien fires the disc at him. He uses the speaker from his car to catch the disc. And then, dude, there's some dumb. Where, like, he, like, clocks, like, a broken pipe. Like, this is part of his plan. You keep the.

[John Gabrus]

Like.

[Jackie Johnson]

The only thing that would make sense is if, like, he was able to reverse the polarity or something and send the disc back into the alien based on the rules that they established.

[John Gabrus]

Well, he also, like, we know that he's able to. To, you know, examine his environment and figure stuff out.

[Jackie Johnson]

Instead, he just hits the guy with a pipe. And the alien then knocks him down, throws Jack down, uses his little spear device to try to inject him with heroin, which Dolph holds on to, like, a cobra attack.

[Ryan Stanger]

This is. This looks like a. Like, a clown set where they have, like, a stuffed snake and you have to act like it's attacking you.

[John Gabrus]

It's so small and like, it's in, like, it's Dolph just, like, trying to act like it's super powerful. And this is. We have these two six foot, five studs and a stunt guy directing this movie. And this is the final showdown.

[Jackie Johnson]

It's very dumb.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, it's. It's like this little, like, needle that he's.

[Ryan Stanger]

You know, he dodges it and shit. He's like, oh, that one almost went right into me. And that would insert heroin into my. My vein.

[Jackie Johnson]

There should have been two seconds of him grabbing it and spiking it back into the alien.

[John Gabrus]

Or a little bit of hand to hand and, like, Dolph getting thrown around the room, you know, and we're like, oh, how this guy's so strong.

[Jackie Johnson]

What's he going to do, you space man? He fills him.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, he should have, like, hit this into, like, laughing gas. So, like, a guy's accidentally slurps up a bunch of nitrogen actress or something.

[John Gabrus]

Now I think they should have saved the smile from the alien until he got, like, hit with the heroin.

[Jackie Johnson]

And then. Oh, yeah, and then he kicks him into the broken pipe, which he's impaled on.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Which he noticed earlier, so, you know, it wasn't. Didn't come out of nowhere.

[Jackie Johnson]

He grabs the gun. Diane helps Smith. And the guy's dying words. I come in peace. And you go in pieces. Asshole blows him up.

[John Gabrus]

All right, everybody's good. Let's have every. Let everybody know this is a buddy cop movie at the end.

[Jackie Johnson]

Hell of a night, huh?

[Ryan Stanger]

That guy Ben. Ben should be pulling windshield wipers out of his ass at this point. He. And then they're just like, Smith, what's.

[Jackie Johnson]

Your first name anyway? Rwood. Most of my friends call me Luck. Larry. No, nothing that has been established whatsoever. Like, like, why we don't.

[Ryan Stanger]

Like, why we care. Is our wood funny?

[John Gabrus]

Completely invented and tagged on, like, unnecessary.

[Jackie Johnson]

So then they're. They're ready for their vacation. Where are we going? Thinking of Rio. No, no, no, no, no. Smith now apparently is, like, part of the squad. This piece of. Who, like, ratted him out, like, a million times.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah. Who is working against him with and.

[John Gabrus]

Knows that Manning is in Rio.

[Ryan Stanger]

Or.

[John Gabrus]

Like, why. Why the would he care about.

[Jackie Johnson]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Is it a separate Rio thing?

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Well, we did it. This is a classic action movie. Classic radio classic name. Gabris. On a scale of zero to five vials of busy, where do you have. Have the 1990 action movie classic Dark angel, aka I come in peace?

[Ryan Stanger]

Well, you know me. I am. I score the same way every time. Since this movie features five cold opens, I'm gonna have to go with five canisters of bussy. Crack them open and let's get bussy, baby.

[John Gabrus]

Roger coming over to you. Quick reminder. You thought and zero. Worst score. Five. Best score. Zero to five canisters of bussy.

[Jackie Johnson]

Well, this is a love letter of Houston Shout out to all our Houston listeners and your great city, which is.

[John Gabrus]

Full of.

[Jackie Johnson]

Endorphins and heroin junkie aliens.

[Ryan Stanger]

Yeah, we're sorry about your federal evidence.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, the Federal Evidence building blowing up.

[John Gabrus]

That was a bummer.

[Jackie Johnson]

Five vials of Bussy.

[John Gabrus]

Stang back to you, ladies and gentlemen. It's time. And everybody out there in Houston. How y'all doing? I'm gonna go with five canister sl vials of Bussy. I'd like to try it. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna lie.

[Jackie Johnson]

Yeah, I would love to do Bussy.

[Ryan Stanger]

How was your weekend? I OD'd on Bussy.

[John Gabrus]

Anybody that's gone. Where are you?

[Ryan Stanger]

P Town? Fire Island.

[John Gabrus]

Anybody that has done bussy and is, like, hears from, like, a marathon runner about, like, the. The running high. They're like, okay, you know, yeah, nice try. That's. Don't tell me it's the same thing.

[Ryan Stanger]

Do you keep getting.

[Jackie Johnson]

I don't need it. I run.

[Ryan Stanger]

Does your arch nemesis keep sending you more and more pictures and videos from what seems to be like, he's having a great vacation down in Brazil. Recommend this podcast. I like the idea that he's like, oh, he learned to surf. He just keeps getting updates about.

[Jackie Johnson]

Son of a. Is surfing while getting load.

[John Gabrus]

Whoa. You want to be careful somebody doesn't bite your dick off.

[Jackie Johnson]

Even said, I'm not getting my dick bitten off.

[John Gabrus]

Well, okay, if he said it, then that does suck.

[Jackie Johnson]

Dear Kane, zero chance of me getting my dick bitten off. I'm too smooth at surfing. Kill you later, Manny. Victor Mann planning.

[John Gabrus]

It's just like Sharpie writing all over the picture. It's like, okay, he started a little.

[Ryan Stanger]

Too big and had turn over.

[Jackie Johnson]

Starts curving up the side.

[John Gabrus]

Do you know anybody that went to their local luggage store to pick up a piece of luggage in Houston and found that there was $150,000 in there in the piece they brought in there?

[Ryan Stanger]

If you're listening to this episode in your car, be careful when you shut off the carplay because you might accidentally go directly to wkil.

[Jackie Johnson]

Oh, boy. Dear Kane, I'm in carnival. They dragged me into the parade. Can I be honest? Honest. I don't have anyone else to write to.

[Ryan Stanger]

Dearest Kane, no one has bush hair here.

[John Gabrus]

Bush hair.

[Jackie Johnson]

Dear Kane, it waxed my.

[Ryan Stanger]

When I passed out, the term Brazilian was invented here.

[Jackie Johnson]

Dear Kane, I know capoeira now I want a Jenga with you.

[Ryan Stanger]

I hope you like Jenga, too. With Jenga. With Jenga.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, I got a Dear Cane letter.

[Jackie Johnson]

Dear Kane, I'm motorboating while Jenga eating.

[John Gabrus]

Wow. Titties in your face while you're hopping back and forth.

[Ryan Stanger]

Sounds pretty tight.

[Jackie Johnson]

I like, like it you're probably dead. Victor Manning. Son of a.

[Ryan Stanger]

Did your girlfriend dump you when you went on your 8 day Napa and Sonoma tour collecting wines for your loft? Recommend this podcast to Kane.

[Jackie Johnson]

Does your boss give you a bible of things they say on day one?

[Ryan Stanger]

Ed, my manager at the restaurant always says if there's grass on the field, play. Oh, yeah, Ed's kind of a piece of shit, but I live by his book.

[Jackie Johnson]

Hey, does Jimi Hendrix do his laundry at your local laundromat? Check this episode out. Apparently he's in Houston.

[Ryan Stanger]

Excuse me while I set this to dry.

[John Gabrus]

Did you adopt a. A German shepherd named Stains.

[Ryan Stanger]

All along the yellow collar.

[John Gabrus]

Did you adopt a. A German shepherd? This just sounds like now after that, a German shepherd named Dexter that had clown widest story as to how he became available for adoption. I wanted to think of other. Like dry cleaning.

[Ryan Stanger]

Were you one of a thousand Houston criminals who were exonerated when all the evidence that was putting you in jail was blown up?

[John Gabrus]

Good news.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh, no. Jared from Subway's computer was next to the heroin. He's out.

[Jackie Johnson]

Do you keep fucking up your own car? Because your mechanic is so drop dead gorgeous?

[John Gabrus]

Looks like somebody purposely emptied all the oil out of. Yeah, it's weird.

[Jackie Johnson]

You should call the cops. Somebody clipped these brakes.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh, man, do you keep doing flatliners to yourself? Because your me is so gorgeous as well. Although you prefer her without her curly wig on.

[Jackie Johnson]

Just this. I think I messed the car seat up. I don't know if it's. I don't know. Don't know from like my balls or what. I think my dick is so big it's affected the calibration.

[John Gabrus]

Or she's like your girlfriend and everybody's like, how'd you hurt your neck? I was eating. My girlfriend's on her mechanics.

[Ryan Stanger]

Creeper sliding under. That would be cool. Jack her up. Slide underneath.

[Jackie Johnson]

Well, that's how that guy wound up with that uptown girl. That guy, that downtown guy.

[Ryan Stanger]

William. William Joel.

[Jackie Johnson]

How that downtown guy ended up with that uptown girl. He had access to one of those?

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, man.

[Jackie Johnson]

Changes the game. You don't have to do a. A hitman anymore.

[John Gabrus]

No, better for the spy.

[Jackie Johnson]

Oh, well, I'm beat. I could use some endorphins right now, but I've got some Christmas musical. Cheer me up.

[Ryan Stanger]

Oh, some Cajun or Italian or potentially African American cop knows that I'm part of the gang of white boys. Keeps saying, come on, white boy. So I guess I'm gonna go see what he has to say. He's standing next to a rack in a. In a convenience store. I hope he doesn't throw me into it.

[John Gabrus]

Well, I don't mean to be rude to you guys, but an agent of mine, rwood Smith, knows a little bit too much, and so there's somebody standing behind you.

[Jackie Johnson]

Have just completed an episode of the.

[Ryan Stanger]

Action Boys podcast, produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt.

[John Gabrus]

Video recorded by Casey Dynamic Donahue.

[Ryan Stanger]

Video editing by Jack Bishop.

[John Gabrus]

Social media by Krycheck.

[Ryan Stanger]

Theme music provided by Rob Pera and.

[John Gabrus]

Our merch is by Kinship Goods and can be found at Merch. Actionboys Biz.

[Ryan Stanger]

Free episodes of Action Boys can be found at Free ActionBoys Biz.

[Jackie Johnson]

And of course, you, dear listeners, wherever you are, stand up and take a bow.

[Ryan Stanger]

Thanks for listening to the Dark angel episode of Action Boys. This is John Gabris wanting to say bye. Check out more at Free actionboys Biz or actionboys Biz. Hi, everybody.

[John Gabrus]

That was a hit gun podcast.

[Ryan Stanger]

In.

[Jackie Johnson]

A part of the world where there are no rules.

[Ryan Stanger]

Holy, holy. Guys, I'm so.

[Jackie Johnson]

I definitely have not watched this since I rented it on VHS in 92. Strangers united by the threat of death. We got all the major players. Seagal. Vladimir Putin is a good man.

[John Gabrus]

Arnold, here, come give it to me.

[Jackie Johnson]

I need you to cream pie me now, Stallone. People are loving this movie. It's got a lot of immensely irregular. Now, somewhere, somehow, someone's gonna pay.

[John Gabrus]

I would love for my wife to, like, see me rip a guy's throat.

[Jackie Johnson]

Out, but they didn't count on one thing. This movie's insane.

[Ryan Stanger]

That's how you know it's a good movie. You have to do almost. Almost all the work yourself to figure it out.

[John Gabrus]

Well, there's a fantasy component. There's some sword fighting.

[Ryan Stanger]

There's some lightning. There's a new game in town.

[John Gabrus]

You wake up after a few years.

[Jackie Johnson]

And then you don't even know who you are anymore. We're gonna be making Terminators. We're gonna make a really great deal with the xenomorph.

[John Gabrus]

Yes, I understand.

[Ryan Stanger]

This is now the 20th ending of the movie.

[John Gabrus]

I am dark.

[Jackie Johnson]

I'm your dad. Action Boys. Boys will be boys. Subscribe here for bonus content and more free stuff from behind the pay wall. To get new episodes, become a patron at Action Boys Biz.

[Ryan Stanger]

Do it. Do it. Come on, do it now.