Robert E Lee: Best General wrong Squad | History Hyenas

Summary

History Hyenas – Robert E. Lee: Best General Wrong Squad

Episode Date: January 15, 2026
Hosts: Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas

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Episode Overview

In this riotous episode, Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas tackle the legacy of Robert E. Lee, the famed Confederate general, blending unpredictable comedy with sharp historical takes. The pair dig into Lee's complicated motivations, the psychological and cultural roots of the Civil War, and why Americans love picking at their own divisions. Along the way, the History Hyenas riff on everything from mental health and modern politics to New York City mayors and the pitfalls of actor egos. As always, expect tangents, roast battles, and moments of surprising depth about how and why Americans fight.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Mental Health Check-Ins & Banter

• The hosts open the show with playful, exaggerated complaints about minor medical issues—Chris’s skin tag, Yannis’s new “third eye”—leading into candid talk about anxiety, depression, and self-care.
  • “You got a lot of talent. You're very successful. You're a good looking kid. ...with the face that you have, you're not supposed to be as funny as you are.” — Yannis (10:10)
• They discuss using gratitude approaches and low-dose meds like Lexapro, emphasizing how success doesn't insulate from inner struggles.
  • “So, not only did you get a good face, but you can wear baggy clothing and hide the weird body.” — Chris (06:31)
  • [Advice bit] “Take 10 seconds a day. Deep breath, and on the way out, I just say in my head, I choose peace.” — Yannis (11:24)

2. Roasting Politics, Protest, and Celebrity Activism

• The conversation veers into recent political protests (Ayatollah, Hollywood activism) and skewers the disconnect between Hollywood virtue signaling and real-world revolutions.
  • “It was just very funny to me that yesterday there was a self-congratulatory Hollywood ceremony happening while outside there was anti-Ayatollah protest going and a U-haul just running through protesters.” — Yannis (14:10)
• They lampoon award speeches (Wanda Sykes, Ricky Gervais objecting to “lady dicks”), the manufactured sense of cultural war, and the illusion of contemporary civil strife.
  • “People like to follow narratives...people want to see their own reality.” — Chris (16:33)

3. On the Myth of a “New” Civil War

• Challenging the meme of America being on the brink of a new civil war, they argue most generations feel that way, but it’s mostly noise.
  • “People say we're on the verge of civil war, but the truth is we're not. Every generation thinks that they're living in the worst time to be alive, but I think we're okay.” — Chris (17:10)
• This segues into their transition: “Let’s talk about Robert E. Lee.”

4. Robert E. Lee – The Man, The Myth, The Autistic Dad Joke

Lee’s Family & Motivation

• Chris details Lee’s lineage: his father Lightfoot Lee was a Revolutionary War hero who died disgraced, which planted in Robert a powerful urge to reclaim family honor—even if it led him to pick the “wrong squad.”
  • “Robert E. Lee took that as 'I have to defend my family's honor and I have to win my family's honor back.'” — Chris (20:29)
• Lee sided with Virginia, not because of slavery enthusiasm but state loyalty and honor; Lincoln had first offered him command of the Union.
  • “President Lincoln asked Robert E. Lee to command the Union chief first because he was the best general of them all.” — Chris (21:25)
  • “That means Robert E. Lee was autistic. It’s just what it is.” — Yannis (22:04)

The West Point Club

• Both hosts note that Civil War generals on both sides were military school chums, picking sides based on state, not ideology.

Lee’s Inner Contradictions

• Lee was anti-secession in theory, internally conflicted on slavery:
  • “Robert E. Lee, slavery as an institution is a moral and political evil thing. ... but he also said the blacks are immeasurably better off here than in Africa.” — Yannis quoting Lee (42:44)
  • “He was opposed to abolition, not slavery itself.” — Chris (43:10)
• The hosts mock Lee’s “gradualism” and reluctance to take a full moral stance.

Lee’s Military Brilliance & Disaster

• Despite being outnumbered, Lee’s tactics kept the South in the war for years — ultimately resulting in more deaths.
  • “Robert E. Lee was so brilliant and tactical that he was able to keep this thing going for four years when it really should have only been over in a few months.” — Chris (45:38)

The Tragedy of Honor

• The hosts point out the irony and cost of Lee's personal sense of honor—he prolonged a hopeless cause, resulting in immense loss.

5. Post-War & Reconciliation

• After defeat, Lee insisted on reconciliation. He is spared punishment.
  • “So they lose. ... Grant, the leader of the Union, he allows Confederate soldiers the dignity in defeat, which I think is the right move.” — Chris (55:05)
• Lincoln's assassination: pivotal missed chance for postwar healing.
  • “If Lincoln was not killed, I'm telling you, this country would be in a better place right now.” — Yannis (57:29)
• They lampoon John Wilkes Booth as the prototype attention-seeking nutjob.

6. America’s Historic (and Ongoing) Infighting

• They note that the US has always had internal conflict—Revolutionary War was itself “civil.” Geography once enabled clearer sides, but today’s divides are more imaginary.
  • “There's always been a little bit of infighting in the United States as there is right now.” — Chris (26:16)
• The South’s cause framed as economic: the wealthy manipulated poor non-slaveowners to fight for slavery.
  • “These wars are just rich people defending their financial interests, sending these kids to die and using some sort of propaganda or nationalism.” — Yannis (51:51)

7. Modern Parallels & Social Commentary

• Satirical wish-lists for which states should be “eliminated” now. (Minnesota, Oregon, Seattle)
• Need for “patriotism with a sense of humor.”
  • “Can you just appreciate the fact that you can go to 7-11? ... Just have some fun with that in your own head, a giggle at least?” — Yannis (29:08)

8. Lee's Death and Legacy

• Lee dies depressed and physically diminished, haunted by conscience and loss.
  • “He kind of died a sad man. ... very sad about the loss, but also about kind of the guilt on his conscious for all the boys that died.” — Yannis (60:52)
  • “His last words were ‘strike the tent,’ which meant break camp. Often interpreted symbolically as acceptance of death.” — Chris (61:20)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Chris, on the confusion of Lee's ethnicity:
  “If two guys walked into a room and one was named Robert E. Lee and the other guy was named John Chan, I would think that there was two Chinese guys.” (18:10)

• Yannis, on failed Civil War economies:
  “The Civil War was about two different economies. One that was antiquated ... but baby gorgeous, machines were here. This was the first AI takeover.” (46:40)

• On Lee’s personal struggle:
  “You can have all the things, like you said... but it doesn’t matter because we are living our lives in the reality that we see and the reality that we feel.” — Chris (10:43)

• Chris, on modern American “civil war” myth:
  “People always think, ‘Oh my god, in the 1500s, people are saying the world’s gonna end, and it didn’t.’” (17:10)

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Special Segment: History Hyenas Fitness Challenge (34:38–36:56)

• Both hosts pledge to lose 15 pounds by April 15 (“tax day challenge”), vowing to document their journey and encourage listener participation.

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Listener Participation/Patreon Segment (from ~64:18 onward)

• They read out new Patreon supporters’ handles (many crude and humorous) and crowdsource vote for the week’s “pseudo-penis of the week (PPW)”.

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Timestamps of Key Segments

• Mental Health & Banter: 01:09–14:00
• Hollywood & Activism Riffs: 14:00–18:00
• On Civil War Hysteria Today: 17:10–18:10
• Robert E. Lee Deep Dive Begins: 20:25
• Lee’s Moral Conflict & Motivation: 21:25–23:12
• On Lee’s Military Genius: 44:45–46:04
• The Cost of Lee’s Honor: 54:38–56:08
• Lee’s Death & Legacy: 60:28–61:20
• Stonewall Jackson’s Last Words: 62:42–63:00
• Comic Patreon Segment: 64:18–79:44

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Tone & Style

Loud, irreverent, and relentlessly self-deprecating, Chris and Yannis pull no punches, probing history’s hardest truths while ridiculing themselves (and American society) at every turn. Under the jokes, there’s real curiosity about why people fight, follow, and forgive. Listeners will walk away with a messy but memorable sketch of Robert E. Lee—flawed genius, accidental villain, and the original “wrong squad” leader.

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Summary by History Hyenas Podcast Summarizer

Transcript

[A]

What's up, everybody? We got a great episode today about Robert E. Rhee, the Civil War general, the complicated man he was. We also talk about a bunch of other fun stuff. You're gonna enjoy this.

[B]

You're gonna really enjoy this episode. We potentially have a budding civil war here in the United States. So we said, let's talk about everyone's favorite Civil War general, Robert E. Lee. And for people that don't know him, fun fact, he's not Chinese.

[A]

Yeah, he does sound it, but he's not. Catch me on the road in Royal Oak, Michigan this weekend. That's outside of Detroit. Morris Plain, new J.2 shows. They're almost sold out. So get them now. Bakersfield, California, West Nyack. Those shows have been rescheduled to April 24th through the 26th. Most importantly, come join our community at patreon.com history hyenas. We got a new series called Leaky we're starting. We got Snowstorm and we got bonus episodes every week. And you listen to these episodes ad free and uncensored.

[B]

It's beautiful. And I will be in Las Vegas February 6th at the David Copperfield Theater. And he's been doing a good job making some of my ticket sales disappear.

[A]

Enjoy the app.

[B]

Yeah, It's what it is. Welcome to the History Hyenas. We are here. It is a new year. I told you, we are the same queers. Chrissy D. Yanni P. And I'm saying hello to you from the new skin tag on my eyelid.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know whether to look at you or to look at that third little eye. But listen, just go to a dermatologist, pay a couple dollars, take it out of the family budget. They'll burn it right off. They can do that.

[B]

Yeah, but I'm. But it's on my eyelid, cuz. So if I get. How am I going to open my eye? I don't want to come in here with a patch on.

[A]

If they can release a sonic weapon that takes away the ability of the Cuban guards to. To defend Maduro and makes them all bleed out of their nose, they can take a little skin tag off your eye. They could take that skin tag off and build a penis with it if they want.

[B]

Guys, let me tell you something. I want to come in here with an like an. Wearing an eye patch and say I'm a Somalian because I'm like a pirate. You are.

[A]

I mean, that skin tag is getting a little bigger. I can't take it, though, because am I still cute? The thing Is I want to make you wear something right now. Tell me denim looks good on you. Cut something about denim. And you like just the skin color and the denim.

[B]

Yeah, and the denim and my skin tag go hand in hand. I want to give a shout out to Kith, to Ronnie Feig, who owns Kith. He sent me this shirt because I did a little Kith New York City campaign for him. And I got this shirt and I washed it and I shrunk it, and he told me not to wash it. So I don't know how to have nice clothes. But Ronnie, something nice.

[A]

Yeah, but you look super cute today now.

[B]

Super cute. I feel super cute. We got Jesse the Jew here. Nick the stick. Now, Jesse to have to. Sorry. Now, Jess, can you pull up the. Just Google blood vomit Venezuela, and you'll find it was a New York Post article where a Venezuelan security guard over the weekend said gave a firsthand account of what happened. He said the United States military went in there and just hit them with a sonic boom. Like guile from Street Fighter. Yes, of course. The Internet is not working. This TV is not working, and the days in the studio are numbered. Like the Iran. Yeah, like the current regime of Iran.

[A]

No. Yeah, like the current. Finally, a revolution to get excited about. Like. Like Nick's SNAP benefits. Because the government's gonna catch on at that point. They're gonna limit it.

[B]

Now, I can tell just from we always have a nice conversation. We have egg white wraps and peanut butter cookies, and we have a nice little feast before we start here. And I could tell that Nick's in a bad mood. So we have to find why Nick is sad.

[A]

Yeah. No sad today. No. The thing about Nick is I think Nick spends most of his day. And I can relate to this. Nick spends most of his day with going through an internal battle.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So the internal battle is always. There's a lot of anxiety.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So he's constantly battling the anxiety. So he's constantly having an internal monologue.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he likes coming in here because we make haha's happen. And so he gets out of his head for one second.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But you got to understand, he's a kid that lives in his own head because he's smart kid. He's a censored kid. He wants to be doing Shakespeare.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so he's constantly like a hamster wheel going over like, why am I not doing Shakespeare? Why am I not. But then he doesn't do anything about it. So he's just kind of stuck with anxiety.

[B]

It's what it is, it's what it is. And Nick's. Between Nick's goatee kind of being a little patchy. Nick balding down the middle. And just his overall personality. I equate him to the Golden Globe winner. One battle after another is what Nick sees when he looks in the mirror. Yeah, just as one battle. No, I'm kidding. Nick, we appreciate you, obviously, you know, joke around with you, but. Nick, are you okay? We want to make sure you're okay. Because us being, you know, one of your employers, we need to make sure that your mental health is okay.

[A]

Can I answer that question?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then he could answer that. No, he's not okay. Yeah, but that's the norm.

[B]

Yes. Nick, are you having a blue day? Because I can relate. Just go ahead. I feel fine. Yeah. Good.

[A]

See, I told you.

[B]

It's kind of a baseline. Everything you said was accurate. Except I don't actually like Shakespeare.

[A]

There you go. Right? He's more of a Chaucer guy.

[B]

Yeah. Now, Nick. Yeah, because. Because, Nick, I've. I've also been hit with. I've been depressed lately, but I want to. I'm here to tell you I haven't had Sweets in about 48 hours, which is big for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I haven't had alcohol in like five days now. Have the kids coming back.

[A]

How are you doing? With gratitude. Because when you say you're depressed. Let's just. Let's just lay a few things down here.

[B]

I'd like to make some coaching changes, some personnel changes.

[A]

You got a lot of talent. You're very successful. You're a good looking kid. Okay. You do have a skin tag. Imperfections happen.

[B]

I have a skin tag on my eyelid.

[A]

Yeah, you were put together with spare parts from God's garage. But. Yeah, but that is what makes you hilarious, because with the face that you have, you're not supposed to be as funny as you are.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So not only did you get a good face, but you can wear baggy clothing and hide the weird body.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

And your feet are deformed.

[B]

Well, my feet are. I think they gave me the same fe. What God did is he just put the left one on the right and the right one on the left.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, he was just looking around going, what's left?

[B]

Yeah, what's up? Yeah, I can whip something up is what he said. It was. The end of the day.

[A]

Yeah, he's whipped something up. You know, when you go in the refrigerator, my dad used to sometimes make spaghetti with yogurt. Cuz that was in the fridge and he made it. It's just what was left.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And God just put it together. But you got a lot of positive things going for. You got beautiful family, you got a beautiful house. Have you started the day thinking about the things that you have as opposed to your addiction which takes over and says, let's go get stuff we don't need.

[B]

Yeah. Like so I, I, I have, what I did today is I let the feet settle onto the floor. I took, I did this.

[A]

Which they can't fully do because your foot is shaped like a high heel. So you can't get the middle of the foot on the ground.

[B]

My foot, yeah. Because my second toe, that, because my toes go like this. So my second toe never actually has hit the floor ever unless I take it off and push it down. And so, so it just automatically. So I'm a little bit off balance to begin with. So I, literally the way that I have physically been constructed is I am designed to be off the beam because my middle toe, my second toe can't hit the beam unless I physically push it there. So I'm designed to be off the beam. So that's my homeostasis, that's my bounce. So what I did those today is I took a big deep breath in hold. And I came down and I settled and I did that five times. I did that five days. But on the fifth one I breathed in a little bit too hard and I got nervous and I almost passed out.

[A]

You know, I just had a visual of your life and it made me laugh. While you're talking, do you know how when you watch garbage men when they, when they, when they, when they're really in a rush, they want to get back to like a football game or whatever.

[B]

I want to shout out to dsny.

[A]

Yeah. With the dsny. So the DSNY guys who are listening can relate. They hop off the truck and they run and they get the garbage and the truck keeps going and they got to run to catch the truck. That's you with the beam.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're, you're constantly chasing the truck, trying to hang on.

[B]

Yeah, Trying to hang on. And I get it and then I gotta step off it and then I gotta run after.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

But so. And so, you know, but what I've realized, cuz is this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What I've realized is this. And this is, you know, beam cast. This is what I want to say to you my friends is that if you try to take a deep breath in, take a deep Breath in and hold it. What's going to happen? You're going to die because you can't breathe. The only way to live is to breathe. You have to breathe. So what do you have to do there for Let go of your breath? The only way to live a good life is to let go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you have to just let go. And I learned that in frozen.

[A]

I actually have a. Yeah. Because right now we were just learning lessons from children's shows.

[B]

That's what it is. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I actually want to give a serious earnest piece of advice to everyone. I think everyone can benefit from what I do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I take 10 seconds every day.

[B]

I thought you were going to say 10 milligrams of Zoloft.

[A]

That, that's. I take 5 milligrams of Lexapro.

[B]

I thought you were going to say that.

[A]

Yeah. Five grams of Lexapro.

[B]

I need.

[A]

It's got to be a low dose, enough to give me a little space for myself. Yeah. And also low enough that I can feel my penis head.

[B]

It's just what it is.

[A]

Because what happens when you go a little higher is you just can't feel your penis head.

[B]

But that might work in my favor.

[A]

It might work in your favor because I am all for you getting a little low dose. I may start putting your food now because.

[B]

But let me ask you a question.

[A]

That might start crushing up some of mine and put them in your omelets.

[B]

The thing that I'm nervous about. Yeah. Is what happens, though, if. Does it. Is there. Can it possibly cause weight gain? Because your boy has gotten himself back up to 227 and I'm back up to 217. It's just what it is.

[A]

Yeah. We're two guys that shouldn't be able to be eligible to fight each other at the heavyweight class, but we are.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

No, I don't think it is weight gain. I, I. Because I've been on it and.

[B]

And you've gained some weight.

[A]

No, but I. I've been fat off it, too.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I'm just an eater.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I got the heart of a fat kid.

[B]

Right. It's what it is.

[A]

It's just unfortunate. So, okay, inside my heart looks like Stavros does on the outside.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's just what it is.

[B]

So. Okay. So that's good to know. So maybe I'll get on that because it is starting to get to the point now where the stress is getting to me, where I've grown a skin tag on my eyelid so that so that's just what's happened. So. But it does go to show you that you can have all the things like you said. You know, you gave me some nice compliments, I appreciate, but it doesn't matter because we are living our lives is the reality that we see and the reality that we feel. It doesn't matter what others think. It matters what's inside here.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And if what's inside here is not okay, then you're not okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then what's projected out isn't okay.

[A]

But maybe you just gotta start with gratitude and take. That's what I forgot to say. I take 10 seconds and this is a true thing that I do. And it works. And I'm telling you, I think it rewires your nervous system.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Take 10 seconds a day. Deep breath, and on the way out on the exhale, I just say in my head, I choose peace. I choose peace. 10 seconds a day, I choose peace. You can fart while you do it if you want. And it just the words, I choose peace. The exhale. See, the exhale activates your parasympathetic nervous system. It stimulates your vagus nerve. And the words. I choose peace. Pat, get the hell out of here.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, I thought.

[A]

I'm choosing peace. I can't be looking at a Lebanese. Put him in the closet.

[B]

Pat said he thought he heard I choose to be a peace.

[A]

So he came in and I think that works.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You got a lot going for you. I think if you started reframing a lot of stuff when you woke up and did gratitude and started thinking about the things that you do have. You got your health.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You got Lynn lighting candles.

[B]

Yeah. You got.

[A]

Got my mom, you got your ma. You got Daytime Tony.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You got.

[B]

I got my beautiful kids.

[A]

You got your beautiful kids. You got your wife.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

A common law or whatever's going on. Yeah, yeah. You got a beautiful house. You got a beautiful career. You've achieved already everything you've set out to achieve.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're a Division 3. Nobody cares. Fucking basketball star. I mean, when you go to St. Joe's because you are on in the hall of fame, which is on a piece of oster tag.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

They have his picture on a piece of colored ostrich.

[B]

I was inducted into the school's hall of fame and I was wearing sweatpants and my basketball sneakers.

[A]

You are a fucking legend in white basketball, Division 3. So you've done everything.

[B]

It goes back to what we say here on a Weekly basis. Hope is my hedge. Facts are my proof. I'm already winning. Yeah.

[A]

If you just found a way to calm that anxiety down. I mean, you're just a kid who can enjoy every moment of life because you see life in a very funny way. Yeah, yeah. You don't take things too seriously.

[B]

No, normally I don't. But then what happens is I don't take things too seriously.

[A]

Things switch.

[B]

Things switch. And then what the problem is when I'm sitting down alone with my thoughts at night and I. And I'm like, oh, I was having so much fun today. And then the walls start to close in because I'm saying, what the hell did I do? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Well, I just.

[B]

But that's just. Okay. That's just who I am. Things change a lot at 40.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm 41 now. Carl's young. The great psychologist said, your life really begins at 40. So I'm hoping that my life is beginning with a third eye.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And when I say third eye, I mean a skin tag on my eyelids.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And listen, I mean, you know, Freud was right a lot about a lot of things. But if you currently can't, you know, get into anything that a Jewish person said because you're into free Palestine, go to Carl Jung. He's not a Jew, so you can believe what he says.

[B]

I don't know which one to do. Do we do Free Palestine, is it. Is it? Free Iran, is it? Which one is. Where are we up to now? Is it for free? The Somalians? Is it down with ice? Which one is it?

[A]

Let's get Mark Ruffalo on the phone and find out what is good because he probably wore a couple of pins. I didn't wear the Golden Globes yesterday. It was just very funny to me that yesterday there was a self congratulatory Hollywood ceremony happening while outside there was anti Ayatollah protest going and a U haul just running through protesters. It was very funny to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That Wanda Sykes got up there and was like, you know, wanted to get on Ricky Gervais because that's what everyone's doing now. Comics are going after each other because everyone's desperate, everyone's mad.

[B]

Wanda Sykes went after Ricky Gervais for real.

[A]

Refereed Ricky Gerlaz a little bit and she know she's wanted to give one to God. You know, I want to take this award on behalf of the trans community and because, you know, supposedly Ricky Gervais is a transphobe, which he's not probably, but it Was just funny to me that all these, like, all they believe Hollywood problems are happening while, like, massive revolutions are happening in two of the most major economies in the country.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just made me want to say to Hollywood, like, it's just fun to watch the bubble that they live in.

[B]

Yeah, it would be fun if imagine like she's making that speech in the U Haul truck, drove to the back of the award ceremony.

[A]

Yeah, that would have been hilarious.

[B]

That would have been funny. And it's like, Ricky Gervais isn't a homophobe just because one time he said, I don't want any lady dicks around me. Yeah.

[A]

It's just. Can't you just.

[B]

The thing is, I respect if you want to have a lady dick. I just don't want it on my arm.

[A]

Yeah. That's just it.

[B]

That's all.

[A]

It's just, I mean, the kids making jokes. I mean, you know, there's a lot bigger transphobes out there than Ricky Gervais.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, the guys winning an award. Do we have to do the. Does it have. Do we have to bring in an issue? Just give me a ward. He's a comedian.

[B]

Why don't. I feel like these people should. Instead of, like doing national issues, they should take that platform to do, like a personal issue to them. Like, you know, like, like really talk about your neighbor that no one's ever heard of. You know what I mean?

[A]

Well, yeah, that. I mean, they just have this thing in their head that there's this war against the community, the LGTBQ community, because Trump's in office. But I just. If anything, there's just a war on Somalians who have Medicaid. Right.

[B]

That's all it is.

[A]

I never hear Trump going after any gays, but when you talk to the gays, they're like, we're being. They're just.

[B]

We're being attacked.

[A]

Nothing has been attacked.

[B]

No.

[A]

Nothing has been attacked.

[B]

No.

[A]

Am I wrong?

[B]

No.

[A]

I know we're going to. I'm going to get shit in the comments. No, but as anything. Has gay marriage been repealed?

[B]

No.

[A]

Is anything bad happening?

[B]

No, no. Everything.

[A]

Is there anything bad happening that wasn't happening during the Biden administration?

[B]

No. To the gay community? No. It's just all people are just. They like to follow narratives because people want to see their own reality.

[A]

So I'm not wrong.

[B]

You're not wrong.

[A]

Because.

[B]

And your shirt is tied around your arms.

[A]

Just because I got big fucking arms.

[B]

Yeah. Cuz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now. Because now we are potentially Put that part on Patreon.

[A]

Because I could be wrong.

[B]

Yeah, because the thing is, you could be wrong. And it's also, we got to be careful because we got to put protect stuff and put some on Patriot because you don't want to get yelled at by your wife again. So I'm used to it, so I don't care. Yeah. I just. But now, because we are potentially people. Now, here's the thing. People say we're on the verge of a civil war, but the truth is we're not. Okay. We're not. You know what it is? Every generation thinks that they're living in the worst time to be alive, and they think they're living in some radical change. Nobody ever says, oh, I'm living at such a peaceful time. Everybody always thinks, oh, my God, in the 1500s, people are saying the world's gonna end, and it's like, it didn't. So I think we're okay. But in the spirit of civil war, I wanted to talk about a little guy named Robert E. Lee. And on paper, he sounds Chinese, but he's not.

[A]

That's a point that I never even thought of.

[B]

Robert E. Lee. He does sound like a Chinese general. Right. Because you could get nervous and say, I wanna want General Robert E. Lee invading the. Yes, because we might. Because. Because that's the thing. General Robert E. Lee, the. The head of the Confederate army did invade the United States, even though he was part of this because the Civil War, he was against us. But we could also get invaded by the Chinese. Robert E. Lee of current time.

[A]

Right. If two guys walked into a room and one was named Robert E. Lee and the other guy was named John Chan, I would think that there was two Chinese guys.

[B]

If I put a picture of Xi Jinping and Robert E. Lee, and I said, which one's name is Robert E. Lee? You would have a tough time.

[A]

You would have a tough time.

[B]

You would probably pick Xi Jinping.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, the CH guys just took a couple of American names and they ran with them. Lee's one of them. You got Chan, you got Chang. It's just Wong.

[B]

It's just.

[A]

There's four names you pick from.

[B]

It's just what it is. Yeah.

[A]

Because their real names are just like. You got to draw pictures to say their real names.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's just like a house, a stick, a bird.

[B]

What it is. You know, a lot of times for Chinese names, I just have to ask my daughter to write it out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pre k. I say, honey, just, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Get the Name down.

[A]

It's just a really complicated write now.

[B]

Cuz the way I go peeling big for the Revolutionary War, you go peeling big for the Civil War big if timer stopped.

[A]

Yeah, it was. I go big.

[B]

I mean, do you think that this studio has WI fi issues? Because truly, I'm being honest with you. Do you think because the people who work here on the outside are so fat that they constantly knock off the WI fi when they walk back and forth? Because I don't know why this WI fi constantly goes out currently in the studio and it's. And I wonder if it's got something to do with the people. The two people run it are combined £800. Because when the girl was here, the intern girl, the, the, the black girl who was a piece. Yeah, that girl was. She was light and beautiful and we never had wi fi issues.

[A]

100. And it's not a coincidence. Every time I see Pat walk by, it knocks out.

[B]

It knocks out. Yeah.

[A]

And every time Chris comes here, I mean the wall, it just shakes.

[B]

Yeah, it's just what it is. Because maybe they're trying to connect the router and they have marinara sauce on their fingers.

[A]

Yeah. Unfortunately we're just going to have to call him Richter Scale Italia.

[B]

That's what it is. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

He's just, he's the kids of planet.

[B]

Yeah. I mean so of course the WI fi just went out. But. But what do we know? Cuz we are the Chatgpt sluts, as you know, the Grok guys. But Robert E. Lee, what I found fascinating about Robert E. Lee, because I know you know a lot about him because you're a Civil War cutie. But is his father, Henry Lightfoot Lee was a Revolutionary War general. He was one of George Washington's favorite generals. And Lightfoot Lee fought in the Revolutionary War when he was like in his 20s. And then he only had Robert E. Lee when he was in his 50s. So Robert and, and the Lightfoot Lee died when Robert e. Lee was 11. But Robert E. Lee had a father who fought in the Revolutionary War. But what happened with Lightfoot Lee is Robert E. Lee would always hear about the war stories and he was like a famous, famous guy for being this Revolutionary War general. But he died penniless and in a debtor's prison. His whole life got screwed up lifetly. He went into bad land deals and he got thrown into prison. He owed a lot of people a lot of money. So Robert E. Lee took that as I have to defend my family's honor and I have to Win my family's honor back. So even though Robert E. Lee went to West Point, had a Revolutionary War father, he actually winds up heading the Confederate south, which is detracts from the actual United States. But he did it because he was all about honor. So Robert E. Lee said, my honor lies with my state, the state of Virginia. Yeah. And that is why I'm fighting for the Confederacy. Even though Robert E. Lee knew that slavery was bad. Robert E. Lee wasn't all about having slaves.

[A]

Right.

[B]

He understood the problem with it, but he said, when it comes down to it, I have to fight with Virginia because. Did you know President Lincoln asked Robert E. Lee to command the Union chief first because he was the best general of them all.

[A]

That's the funny thing is all these guys knew each other. They all went to West Point, West Point together. They all knew each other. And then he just picked sides. Robert E. Lee's dad's name was Lightfoot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we can and probably assume his downfall had to do with a little bit of alcohol.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, because that if he had a little Native American blood, that takes them down.

[B]

Yeah. And not to be confused, not to be confused with Yanni's nickname, Light in the Loaf.

[A]

Light in the Loafers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Johnny. Yeah. So that probably took him down. And his dad was 50 when he had him. So that just means one thing and we're. You're hearing it first on history. Hyenas. That means Robert E. Lee was autistic.

[B]

It's just what it is.

[A]

It's just that's probably why he picked the side that he picked. Because of some autistic reason.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Counting things or whatever.

[B]

Do you think when they asked Robert E. Lee, when they would say, sir, you have one night to choose, it's going to be the north of the south, you went like this.

[A]

Yeah, I think he started doing that. He started stimming. He started stimming. Yeah, he started.

[B]

And he just picked us out. Yeah.

[A]

Because, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The research shows that for some reason people who are older and have kids, they, it's like they have more of an autistic kid.

[B]

Now you're a 50 year old kid. Do you. Which is crazy because those are. The sperm still swims big. Yeah, the sperm still swings big. So now what are you going to do if you, if you get one past the goalie and you have a kid? Are you just going to assume it's autistic?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to assume that one's autistic. In fact, that's why we shouldn't have another one. Because the next one's definitely coming out.

[B]

Franks. Yeah. It's just what it is. So that's why the only way around that is you got to just start doing it in the butt. Yeah. Okay. You got to do all the way around.

[A]

Which is a little loophole that the Mormons like to do. And I think. I think the Muzzies like to do that too. I think hardcore Christians do that.

[B]

They say they're virgins in the puss.

[A]

Because we are going to do an episode on Rum Springa.

[B]

Big Big.

[A]

Because I find it fascinating. The Amish Rum Springa is fun. Fun where you can just go out and like, shoot crank into your dick.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bang girls in the ass.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you just go back and just become a Amish kid who churns butter.

[B]

Yeah. I was going to say it's hard to, like, be out on the streets doing fentanyl and then come back and you're peel.

[A]

Yeah, it's hard to do, but they do it.

[B]

They do it. Yeah.

[A]

They get it all out of their system on a rum spring. And it's totally like what they're supposed to do, which is interesting.

[B]

Yeah. We're gonna have more after Robert E. Lee right after this ad from who Cares.

[A]

Yeah. Because I got myself a Mongolian cashmere fisherman pullover hoodie. I'm a type of kid. I'm not a button down kid anymore. I like something a little fitted. And in the winter, the wool, the cashmere is nice, high quality. Quinn, thank you.

[B]

Thank you, Quince. Because I was getting a little nervous there because I thought you weren't gonna say after you got yourself a Mongolian. Thought it was gonna end there. But I'm happy you said cashmere sweater because you know me, I love Quince. My. The jacket. This jacket I have.

[A]

Look. Yeah.

[B]

Quince.

[A]

Quince. Look at that, baby.

[B]

Look at that quint. Love it. I wear their stuff all the time. Great quality. I would say three of my favorite sweaters are all quints. My winter jacket quints, my jeans quint. They really do have some of the. This is it. This is the responsible down hooded parka. That's exactly what I'm wearing. And it's cute. And it's cute af. I love Quince. And by cutting out the middleman than the traditional markups, Quince gets you a great price. This. These jackets. This jacket costs 200. It's North Face. It'd be 500.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

So they really do a good job cutting out the middleman, getting you quality clothes for a very good price. I really can't recommend Quint enough.

[A]

Go peruse the website for yourself and as always, you know, if you're a fan of the show, you're gonna get yourself a nice little discy.

[B]

Yeah, give us discount. What's the code, Jesse? Where can we go refresh your winter wardrobe with quince? Go to quince.com hyenas for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. It's now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com hyenas free shipping and 365 day returns. Quint.com hyenas yeah, interesting to think that.

[A]

These guys all knew each other and the Civil War. You had brothers fighting against brothers. They picked sides.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Especially right there. What's interesting to me is back then travel was so much harder and took longer. So like when you looked across the river from Virginia to D.C. that's what separated the south and the north. Like Robert E. Lee's crib was right across the river from D.C. yeah. And D.C. was the north and Virginia was the South.

[B]

He could see Robert E. Lee from his actual house. Could see the Capitol. Yeah.

[A]

I mean people used to have their vacation homes in Brooklyn who lived in Manhattan.

[B]

Isn't that wild?

[A]

So that was like going to the country.

[B]

Well, you know what, it's our. It was the Civil War from 1861 to 1865. A lot of people say it was our only Civil war, but really we had the Civil War. The Revolutionary War was also a Civil War because you had the Loyalists, you know, who were loyal to the crown, but American citizens fighting against the patriots who wanted to rebel. So it's all, it's always, there's always been a little bit of infighting in the United States as there is right now. There's always a little bit of infighting. But I think the Civil War happened into an actual full scale war because of geography. It would be very hard to have a battle today in Civil War because we're all living amongst each other. Like right. There's no, there's no geographical dividing line like there was back then.

[A]

Right. We're not going to have a Civil war based on any big issue like slavery or something. We're not going to have a Civil War at all.

[B]

With that being said, if I.

[A]

Being said, if you want to choose size, if it happens, you're going to want to go to the right because they are more armed, they have the guns.

[B]

And I will say this, I would Be in favor of invading and eliminating Minnesota.

[A]

You just want it gone.

[B]

There's just too much stuff going on in Minnesota.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It just keep popping up, the protests to the daycares, to the tibwalk. Just get Minnesota out of here. Just.

[A]

You're done with it.

[B]

I would like. I have no problem getting rid of Minnesota. And I like the city of Minneapolis. I like performing there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm okay if it goes, so what? We lose some fucking lakes. Yeah. I don't care. So then we'll do a little bit less ice skating.

[A]

Yeah. You've had enough of the Twin Cities.

[B]

I've had enough of Minnesota. Yeah. Okay. I have enough. Give me the Twin Towers back.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Take the Twin Cities.

[A]

Yeah. Just Indiana Pacers. Join the Canadian League.

[B]

Yeah. I don't care at all. The Minnesota. There's just too much problems there, and we don't need. I don't know what it serves. Yeah. So what you, you know, lose some lakes, lose some trees. Yeah, yeah, I know there's probably people on the podcast who are from Minnesota. So you can stay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If you can show me an active Patreon membership, then you can stay.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But other than that, you're out of here. Minnesota.

[A]

Yeah. Minnesota's really been just a powder keg.

[B]

Minnesota and Oregon can go. They can go big. Portland, Oregon could stay, but the city of Portland and the whole state of Minnesota, you can go.

[A]

And while we're at it, can we just. Can we throw Seattle into that as well?

[B]

Throw it out there? I've, like, I've been for six months, and I think I'll be proven right eventually. You know, time will tell. Go back to the original 13 colonies. Just go back to the original 1 3.

[A]

We have to.

[B]

And Florida.

[A]

Because I like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, there's just got to be a way to let everyone know that you need some level of patriotism. Yes. You have to, like. And defend the place that you live. You can't. You know, we've gotten to this point of the paradox of tolerance and sort of like this, you know, where free speech goes all the way. It's great to critique constantly. But also, like, can you just appreciate the fact that you can go to 7 11.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you appreciate the fact that you got an iPhone?

[B]

Come on.

[A]

I'm not saying don't be a commie. You can be a commie, but can you at least have a sense of humor about the fact that you're a commie with an iPhone?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you just have a sense of humor about that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're a commie with an iPhone. If you're the chick, the commie chick that mom dummy elected to be the advocate, can you just have a little bit of a sense of humor that your mom lives in $1.6 million house in Nashville?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you have a sense of humor?

[B]

Just laugh about it, hon.

[A]

Can you just laugh about the fact that you call property ownership white supremacy and then look in the mirror and see that you're as white as snow?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you have some fun with that in your own head? Because a giggle at least?

[B]

Yeah. Eric Adams. Eric Adams response. You see his response? He went, yo, fuck that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That was his response. Former mayor of New York.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you just say, if I'm going to say that it would be funny for me to go to a black. Black family's house who owns their house and say that to them with a straight face?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you just have fun with the idea of you going to a black family and telling them that their house is a form of white supremacy? Just have fun. Just have a giggle about it.

[B]

Have a giggy.

[A]

I don't mind what you say. I don't mind what you believe. But. But what's happened? We've lost a sense of humor about it.

[B]

Now, here's the thing. Mamdani. Mayor Zoran Mamdani is the new mayor of New York City. So I know if you're not living in New York City, um, this may mean nothing to you, but just. I'm telling you, we have a new mayor here. Things are getting wild in our city, but I do miss our old mayor. His name was Eric Adams.

[A]

He was.

[B]

He was a black guy. He was actually a guest on History Hyenas during the first strike. And I found something. Mayor. Mayor Eric Adams. Top 10 things that he said. These are all real things that he said. And it makes me miss this guy. He's only been gone three weeks, and I miss him. So he said, all my haters become my waiters. When I sit down at the table of success.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

So put that in the beamcast. All my haters become my waiters when I sit down at the table of success.

[A]

That's a good one.

[B]

Then he goes, deep down, I think I must be a little bit Dominican. That's a good one. Then he said, I am Gandhi. Like, I think like Gandhi. I act like Gandhi. I want to be like Gandhi. Yeah. Then he said, when the mayor has swagger, the city has swagger. That's truth.

[A]

Ain't wrong.

[B]

Then he goes I am the mayor. This is the city of nightlife. I must test a product. This guy is the best. Then he goes, I don't know what to do without my incense, my candles, my bubble baths and my roses. Then he said, we can talk about erectile dysfunction, but not clitoral stimulation. Something's wrong. Something is just wrong. And that's it. Back then he goes, if he wants to participate in a circus, that's fine. I'm just not buying the tickets. Well said.

[A]

That's a good one.

[B]

Then he goes, lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of the sheep.

[A]

That's true. Not his. Yeah, but then he's been around.

[B]

Then he said, I wake up in the morning sometimes and I look at myself and give myself the finger.

[A]

Here's some more. Isn't he a 10 out of 10 out of 10? He said, I'm the Biden of Brooklyn. When you raise your pants, you raise your character. Pick those pants up, young man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you don't educate, you will incarcerate. That's a good one. Yeah, these are good.

[B]

I like this guy.

[A]

I am the pilot and you are all passengers. Pray for me to land the plane because there's no parachute in this plane and we're all going down together. At least he has some self awareness that he's not a white pilot.

[B]

It's what it is. And Yanni being a Greek, this is why Yanni. Why Yanni moved out of his hometown of Brooklyn. Because Eric Adams said Brooklyn is the Istanbul of America. So Yanni said, I'm out of here.

[A]

He often substituted the world cities like Athens, Tel Aviv, Mexico on pest control. Everyone that knows me knows one thing. I hate rats. Yeah. Cuz. Yeah.

[B]

Isn't this better than someone, than a mayor talking about property as collectivism or whatever. He's saying like, don't you. I want this guy just like Obama, dude, Obama. I don't know what the hell he was doing or not doing. He was just funny at swagger. Life was a little easier back then. Yeah.

[A]

I love being a comedian and being able to watch the circus. As George Carlin said, you're just not.

[B]

Going to buy the tickets.

[A]

I don't buy the tickets. I watch the circus. I think it's the duty of a comedian to not buy the ticket and watch the circus.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And for me, mom, dummy so far has been fun to watch because. Because he's clearly like a rookie. Yeah, right. So it's like you remember when Kobe got into. He could end up becoming Kobe. Sure. But you Remember when Kobe got into league, he was just 18. He was shooting airballs and.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He was just in over his head.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's just. I. It's. To me, it just seems like he's got an administration full of college kids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they're coming in and he's got this chick who's tweeting about why property being white supremacy. And then. Then the next thing you know, the whole media goes, who's this chick? They go look through all her stuff and they go to her house and she starts crying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you see her cry?

[B]

I saw her cry, yeah.

[A]

Her cry, yeah. And then people on Twitter going, what are you doing? Why are you harassing her? It's like they're not. That's the media showing up, talking to a government official. This is New York City, babe. If you can't keep cool like Eli Manning, then you don't belong here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is a place where there's a lot of media scrutiny, sweetheart. Welcome to the party.

[B]

I want that fans to start a counter to see what who does what more. Do I flex my pecs more or does Giannis run his hair hand through his hair more? Yeah.

[A]

What do we do?

[B]

Giannis runs his hand through his hair every five seconds and then it makes me flex my pecs because I'm a.

[A]

Little subconscious because I didn't put any hair powder in it. So good with.

[B]

You look good today. Yeah, you're. Cause you're a handsome kid. You got better than a tight shirt. Yeah.

[A]

I think I'm having a little bit of a glow up.

[B]

You are having a bit of a glove. And here's what I want, want, and I want the fans to get behind us on this. What we're going to start to do is with Sergio Chacon, Giannis and I are going to start training a couple of times a week and we'll film it. We want you to follow the weight loss journey with us. Yanni and I both want to be down 15 pounds because we're both roughly 15 pounds past cute. We want to be 15 pounds lighter by April 15th. Tax day. That right. Shouldn't we. Sure. 15 pounds down by April 15th. It's January 12th. It's a whole on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

January 12th or something right now.

[A]

Sure. That's what I want.

[B]

Should we do that?

[A]

I'd love to get down £15.

[B]

Let's do £15 by April 15th.

[A]

That is the thing.

[B]

And we're all in on the challenge.

[A]

And you go, how do we involve Nick? What should Nick be?

[B]

Nick?

[A]

I don't know what his body type is.

[B]

Do you work out? Do you exercise at all, Nick? I go for walks sometimes. I do squats, but I haven't done in a long time, so I got to stretch and I got to get back into it.

[A]

Do you know, I. You know what I think?

[B]

How old are you, Nick, by the way? 46. Okay.

[A]

Do you know what I think will help a lot with your anxiety? Exercise?

[B]

Yeah, I go for walks all the time.

[A]

I think we need a little bit more than the walking.

[B]

Help me. What do I do?

[A]

I think you need to go to the gym. Once you grab some dumbbells, you can start with the Suzanne summer ones.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Get the pink ones, start with some curls, and then we want to get you in. I wish Sergio would take you, but Sergio does not give discounts.

[B]

Yeah, Sergio doesn't give discounts. And Sergio's also been the last couple weeks in a bad mood where you just. You're going to get punched in the face. That's a. It's like Giannis and I both pay Sergio a lot of money to get hurt. Yeah, that's what we pay.

[A]

That's what we do.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Boxing is good. Maybe.

[B]

What if I wear my Che Guevara shirt? Will he give me a discount? That's Ben. He might.

[A]

He might get. Actually, that would be the way to approach him. Yeah, that would be the way to approach him. Be like, hey, man, let's. Can we do this outside of the capitalist.

[B]

Let's be honest. We're all. We're four men in here that most likely would go to a gym and we would do things in the woman's part of the gym. We would do better in a Lucille Roberts than we would in a New York sports club. Right. If we're being honest, the four of us do women, even when you and I are boxing. He's giving us the woman's workout.

[A]

He's totally giving us the women's workout.

[B]

You know, we're warming up, we're do. We're breathing. Yeah. We're doing deep squats, a body weight. Everything is body weight.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Right. It's the. He. He. Sergio Taylors his workouts for us as what he does with his female clients.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. Cuz then when you see him hit the bag. If you go to his Instagram and see him hit the bag when he's by himself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then when I spar with him, I go, oh, he's.

[B]

He's. He's.

[A]

That's what he could do to me, sure. But he's giving me a woman version of it.

[B]

There's. And I know, and I know there's times where Sergio thinks. Because he just goes right into that woman's workout. Because there have been times where he slipped and his brain has thought he's training a woman. Because I remember one time I was doing a lunge and he said, you got a nice ass, Ma. So. And then he snapped himself. He's like, my bad. My baby was like, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He was like, I'm just saying, you flexible. So sometimes he forgets that, you know, I'm not a girl. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Cuz, tell me, tell me.

[B]

I'm going to tell you.

[A]

Tell me about Robert E. Lee.

[B]

Robert E. Lee?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Robert E. Lee, the head of the Confederate army, the Confederate States of America, who wound up losing the Civil War. Robert E. Lee.

[A]

Still got a lot of statues, though.

[B]

Still got a lot of statues. Robert E. Lee, actually, he was just fighting to defend Virginia. Yes. It was on the wrong side of history, but if we're talking about who was the best general, then the answer is Robert E. Lee.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And actually, you know what's very interesting is the way that Robert E. Lee would fight and told the Confederate army to fight. They had a lot of. Cuz the Confederate army was way outnumbered, but they were better soldiers. And they had a lot of guerrilla warfare. They would charge with the cavalry. They wouldn't form columns, guerrilla attack, retreat. He learned that from his father, General Lightfoot Lee, who perfected that technique in the Revolutionary War. War to repel the British. That's why General George Washington liked Robert E. Lee's father so much. So it's very ironic to me that all the things Robert E. Lee learned were from a father who was there to get America's independence. And then he had a son who was trying to take it away.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's very interesting.

[A]

Yeah. They were just going, hey, we don't want to be a part of this Union. We want to separate and we want our state to be. We want all these states to unify and make another country. And, you know, with hindsight, you can.

[B]

Just say, what about with Heinz ketchup?

[A]

With Heinz ketchup. In hindsight, Yeah. I think you. You strip away all the details, you strip away all the historical analysis.

[B]

Strip me like a Reese's Peanut butter cup.

[A]

Take the wrapper off.

[B]

Take the wrap off me like a Reese's peanut butter cup.

[A]

Because I know something good's in there.

[B]

Yeah. Cause you know something's good in There. Have you ever said that to anybody? Yeah.

[A]

And you strip away all that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you strip that all away. With hindsight, I think we can clearly say if you look at England and how they got rid of slavery, they didn't need to fight. They just all realized, all right, this is bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The kids here loved slavery so much.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, American kids just didn't want to part with it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That they were willing to go to war. They were like, you can take anything, but you're not taking my slaves. Yeah. Didn't want to let it go without a fight.

[B]

Now, some people will argue that's because of our geography, because in the south, as we had the perfect conditions to grow cotton, and they felt they needed the slaves to pick the cotton. Now, obviously that's a little bullshit, but that is what people say is to. That is the reason why. Now, here's the thing. Here's what I'll say about Robert E. Lee. He was always it. Sometimes people are born. They're destined to do what they're supposed to do. Because really, one of the ways that the Civil War kind of started, like, one of the major, major first things that started propelling us was in the 1850s, a man by the name of John Brown. Okay, so John Brown, remember we went to visit him in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia.

[A]

We're going to do an episode on him on Patreon eventually.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He. Kid had a leaky roof.

[B]

Kid had a leaky roof. We're starting a new. We're starting a new [e-mail] history hyenas called Leaky Roof, where we go throughout history and we show you people who are genuinely clinically insane. Yeah. Some of them did good things, some of them did bad things, but the thing they have in common. Common is they were absolutely clinically insane. And their roof was blown clean off.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So John Brown went the. The. In Harpers Ferry, West Virginia is where the United States had a big military depot. A lot of weapons were there, whatever. And John Brown, who was a resident of Kansas, there's a thing. And we'll get into it maybe on the Patreon, a thing called Bleeding Kansas, where. Oh, yeah, Kansas gets admitted into the United States as a state. And President Lincoln says, listen, I'm gonna let you decide. You have slaves or don't have slaves. It's up to you. And so there was a. Basically a civil war within Kansas. John Brown was a big part of it. So John Brown is very anti slavery. He wants slavery abolished. White guy, you Know, by the time he gets to Harpers Ferry, West Virginia, in the late 1850s, he's kind of. He's gone crazy over it. Right. And so he basically takes control. He kills some US Soldiers that were guarding this weapons depot in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia, and then he pulls himself up inside of it. And who is the. At the time? Completely unknown man. I believe he was in his 30s, maybe. Completely unknown. Just happenstance. Happened to be the. The general in charge of guarding that depot was Robert E. Lee. So Robert E. Lee, before the Civil War, years before the Civil War goes and gets John Brown out of there, they have to hang him, you know, eventually, because he's, you know, he's. It's treason. I mean, he basically went against the United States, tried to take their weapons. So you got to die for the that. And it was Robert. And it was in that moment Robert E. Lee said he knew he could see in John Brown's eyes. He was like, this country is gonna go to war. And he was in his mind at that time thinking, he's gonna be the general for the Union. He. He was all about preserving the Union. But when his home state of Virginia seceded, he felt he had no choice because to him it was state. State first, then country. Yeah, that's how it was back then.

[A]

Yeah. Jefferson. Jefferson. States rights. He was Jefferson State's right.

[B]

And because Jefferson. Another guy from Virginia.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, from Virginia.

[B]

Yeah. We're tell you some more fun facts right after. After this from hello Fresh or wherever.

[A]

What the fuck it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He actually is quoted as saying, Robert E. Lee, slavery as an institution is a moral and political evil thing. He wrote that in a letter to his wife. He also said the blacks are immeasurably better off here than in Africa. So he didn't even want to send them back.

[B]

No.

[A]

His belief in white supremacy and gradualism was sort of.

[B]

What is gradualism?

[A]

Like, hey, let's gradually assimilate that them.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

Sort of like let the whites figure it out for 100 years.

[B]

It's what it is. Yeah. Like, he was opposed to abolition, not slavery itself. So. Meaning that what he didn't. He didn't think that we should abolish it, but he also didn't think we should have slaves. So what did he stand for?

[A]

Gradual.

[B]

Gradually.

[A]

He wants you gradually. Just let him go slow.

[B]

Yeah, like.

[A]

Like you said in the last episode.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Just want to.

[B]

Just let the. Listen, guys. Yeah, we're going to get there.

[A]

We're going to get there.

[B]

If you could Just give us just, just for a few minutes, few years here. We're going to make everything right.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Let us get in order and then we'll call you guys in one by one.

[A]

It's kind of what he.

[B]

It's just the principle. I can't have all you talking at the same time. It's just hun.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Give us a minute.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. We got the suits, we got the cigar pipes. We're going to figure this out. We've heard you. Yeah, but I can't have everybody talk at the same time. So just go out there, take a seat. Right. You pick a number, you're going to come in and we're going to get you what you want.

[A]

Right, Right, right.

[B]

Going to give you what you want.

[A]

Right, right. It's actually, it's the same exact thing that.

[B]

Yeah. Simone Bolivia, our belief from our last episode. Go check that out on YouTube and patreon.com literally the same belief. Same belief.

[A]

Like, look, we're going to get there, just let us figure it out.

[B]

So, so Robert E. Lee, he opposes, you know, the secession in theory. He doesn't agree with it, but he's kind of saying, if Virginia's going, I'm going. I don't want. I wish it wasn't this way, baby.

[A]

Gorgeous.

[B]

Yeah, but I gotta go. And Lincoln, as we said, President Abraham Lincoln, offered Lee command of the Union forces. And Lee refused. Not right away. He thought about it, he said, let me think on this. And he thought about it and he said, it lies with Virginia. I gotta go with Va.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And again, all these decisions shaped by his father falling out of favor in the public eye. He was saying, this is how I'll get back. So he was all this guy because, by the way, you think just because it was the 1860s, everybody was about duty and honor, but actually during those times life that those were old, old world ways to think. People were thinking more about living longer, they were thinking more about, about, hey, how do we be a little bit more eccentric and kind of, you know, they weren't so rigid in their beliefs, but he was just a rare wild card that he was, he was honor and duty and that's all that mattered because of his pops. So Grant, Ulysses S. Grant, who goes on to, you know, lead the Union and to victory. He said he, you know, Robert E. Lee, this is about, he needed, he needed to win to justify his case. And unfortunately, Robert E. Lee lost big.

[A]

Unfortunately, you know, he was, they were. The, the south was the David against the Goliath. Just didn't have the numbers.

[B]

They didn't have the numbers. But do you know that the. That they were able to even keep this war up for four years? Like the very first battle Major Battle of Manassas. The Union army outnumbered the Southern army. Like I don't. A lot by thousands. But because Robert E. Lee was so brilliant and tactical that he was able to keep this thing going for four years when it really should have only been over in a few months. Because, dude, you have to think about just the north and the South. Even today, how many more people live in the north than the South? It's crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, New York city alone has 9 million people just in the city. That's like two Southern states.

[A]

Yeah. And plus we were just getting immigrants coming over and then just handing, handing them a rifle. The Irish just go, just go. We had black regiments. I mean there was a few black soldiers for the Confederacy, but we had, you know, we had the Massachusetts 54th. The famous Massachusetts black kids were fighting. They. We just. They couldn't. The Civil War was about two different economies. One that was antiquated and their way of life felt threatened. They wanted to hold on to it. But baby gorgeous machines were here. This was the first AI takeover.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They were going. The north was going like, we don't need human labor like that anymore. Baby gorgeous.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Listen now, honey bubbles, we got machines to do that. We got the cotton Ginny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You don't need to have slaves doing.

[B]

We have a little thing called the Gatling gun. There was the Gatling gun that the true atrocity to the Civil War is crazy because they had the automatic weapons. The Gatling gun, AKA the devil's breath, was basically a rapid fire machine gun. And that's where you would kill. That's where all, all, you know, so many soldiers was just get laid out. The way people were dying at a way that like, you know, never had been seen in history ever before. More Americans died in the Civil War than all the other wars America has fought combined.

[A]

Yes. 700 thou.

[B]

And because, you know, everybody died. It was an American. Yeah. So that's one thing. But also it was just a lot of people. I mean, Gettysburg was. I mean, you and I went there and then you peed on the Confederate. Confederate side of the battlefield.

[A]

I had to do what I had.

[B]

To do what you did. You actually committed a federal crime or I would say, no, you're peeing on the side of the enemy.

[A]

I was doing it for patriotism.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I was doing it for patriotism it was also one of the most vicious and brutal wars because we didn't have anesthesia, but we had artillery. So people were getting their legs blown off and they just had to bite on a stick and they just poured whiskey on it. Most of the people died. A lot of people don't know this. A lot of. Most of the soldiers died just from infection.

[B]

Infection. Infection.

[A]

Infections.

[B]

They died of that. They died of dysentery. They died of disease. Killed a lot of people. And, you know, it's a quick look because I just was in West Virginia this weekend. You know, there's a quick little fun fact about West Virginia.

[A]

It's super fucking cute. And listen, if I was Robert E. Lee and I had to choose to. Because I am the number one draft pick. I am Cooper Flag. I am the best general. Yeah, I understand, looking back, why he chose Virginia, because Virginia's just fucking super cute.

[B]

It's supes maggots, cutesy seas and West Winchester. I would. No, I was in Harper's Ferry.

[A]

I was in Harper's Ferry, like a Harper's.

[B]

So Harper's Ferry. Yeah, that's where, you know, I went there this weekend and I brought Jasmine and. And my children, who are Puerto Rican. And a man in West Virginia, I swear to God, came up to us at a diner. And he comes up to me and goes, can I ask you a question? He goes, is your beautiful wife Navajo? Yeah.

[A]

As she was. She probably got upset about that, right?

[B]

Yeah, she. Well, she got upset because. As a joke. And I got in trouble for this because I said in front of the kids, I said, no, she's just a hoe lad.

[A]

14.

[B]

But it was a joke. Like, I was obviously kidding.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he laughed and walked away. And I laughed, thinking I was gonna be funny. And they were all just looking at me like, you just called her a hoe. Yeah, I made a boo boo.

[A]

Yeah, but you made a good joke.

[B]

I made a good joke and I've been paying for it for the last.

[A]

Couple of days, but. So we all make sacrifices.

[B]

Make sacrifices. But it's okay. It was just joking. Love you. But it was just in the moment. But fun fact I learned about West Virginia is that was a part of Virginia until the Civil War. It only became a State in 1863, in the middle of the Civil War, because much, you know, how President Trump has basically said Nicolas Maduro was not the. The rightful leader of Venezuela, therefore, I don't need Congress's approval. I can just go in and take him because, you know, he Goes around that loophole. He basically found a loophole where he said he was. He's not the people's choice. So therefore I don't recognize him as a, you know, leader of a government. So I can take it. President Lincoln did the same kind of thing with Virginia. When Virginia seceded from the Union, they basically said, we are. We're Confederate states. Right. But there was a section of Virginia, the whole state of Virginia, Virginia, the western half, that they form their own government. And they were like, we don't agree with what Virginia is doing. Like, we want to stay with the Union. We don't have. You know, there was much more rural out there. They didn't really have as many slaves or as much agriculture going on. And they were just like, we would rather stay with the Union. So President Lincoln says, you know what? Actually, you're the real Virginia because you didn't secede. I don't know what this Virginia that Robert E. Lee is. We don't know who they are. You're a Virginia. So now I don't need anybody else's approval. I'm going to make you a state. So you are now the sanction, the state of West Virginia. So West. So these people started the Civil War for the south, but then ended it in the North. If you lived in the western half of Virginia, very, very interesting. How. Why it became a state.

[A]

Yeah. West Virginia is basically the South Korea of Virginia.

[B]

It's what it is. Yeah.

[A]

South Korea, Virginia, and the rest of Virginia was the North Korea.

[B]

Yeah. The only.

[A]

And Robert E. Lee was King Jong Un, but his name was Robert E. Ri.

[B]

Robert E. Reid. Yeah. It's what it is. And I can tell you that all the Asian people in West Virginia were near me because I was doing a show at a casino. Yeah. And it doesn't matter what state you're in, even if your state has no Asian people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They are Asians. Will find a casino.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now, the situation gets interesting when you think about the soldiers that fought for the Confederacy because none of them had slaves.

[B]

No.

[A]

So it's like, I don't. They were poor white men, Were poor whites. I mean, you know, how many. You know, how few Americans actually could afford slaves?

[B]

Almost nobody.

[A]

It just lets you know that a lot of times these wars are just. They're just rich people defending their financial interests, sending these kids to die and using some sort of propaganda or nationalism or ignorance to brainwash them and motivate them to do it. And that usually is fear.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So I think the big propaganda at the time was, you know, Lincoln is a tyrant. Federal overreach our way of life. They're coming after sweet tea. They're coming after ribs. They're coming after our ham hocks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Coming after our sister.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They don't want us to do that anymore.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Because otherwise, why would these kids be funny? It's just you have to do propaganda. Like when we fat the Japanese, someone just figured out we got to call. We got to shorten that name and call them.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Come up with something called there's just have to do to get these kids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who have no skin in the game to go kill for us.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Really what we're there for in Korea is for Coca Cola.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We want to be able to sell Coca Cola. Yeah. And. And it's like the kids don't know about. The kids don't care about this. So how do we motivate them? We go, oh, these guys. Yeah. Ladder 14. These guys are half. They're aliens.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Their face is just great.

[B]

Different. They're different. So they cause a problem, but they're not. But so they cause all of that. BLEEP it all. Put it on the Patreon. So they cause. They cause a little bit of an issue and. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Because the thing is, the economy was going away anyway.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's like it was going to end. It was like the south was just holding on. Like, it was just these big slave owners, these big tobacco plantations and stuff that were just still making money. They were basically the oil industry of their day, and they didn't want to let go. Like, renewables are inevitable. We're going to run out of oil, inevitably. So. But the oil companies are just holding on, holding because they're still making money. So these rich plantation owners just convinced all these young, poor, white rights to go fight for them for a cause that was inevitable anyway. It didn't have to go this way. And you know what's ironic? Robert E. Lee, because of his fucking pride and because Virginia was super cute. I think you can blame Virginia for being super cute for the reason why so many people died. Because if Robert E. Lee, like you aptly put, wasn't such a military genius, this war would have been over quick. A lot of boys wouldn't have died. Brothers wouldn't have had to fight. Brothers, others. It would have been a quick campaign. It would have been over. But Robert E. Lee was so good. He fought hard. And because he became the top guy, it probably inspired a lot of people to fight under him. But this was going away anyway because.

[B]

Because.

[A]

Because the cotton. Ginny was here and we just didn't need the blacks to make the continent.

[B]

It's what it is. So you're basically saying, Virginia, it's your fault. Little. Stop dressing like a.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah. Cute.

[A]

Because that's the reason why Robert E. Lee joined. Because of how cute, super cute Virginia was.

[B]

Now, here's the thing with Rober. So they lose, okay? Eventually they lose. They gotta surrender at Appomattox Courthouse. You know, Grant, the. Ulysses S. Grant, the leader of the Union, he allows Confederate soldiers the kind of. The dignity in defeat, which I think is the right move. Because these people, this is not a foreign nation. They're gonna assimilate back into society. So they're gonna need something to do. So Lee kind of turns, you know, he goes away with. At least they have their honor. And then Lee urges. He wants the reconciliation period. He says, let's get back together. Oops. Message up. Because, I mean, theoretically, cuz, if. If the Union. If Lincoln and those guys. I know Lincoln got killed, but if Andrew Johnson. And who takes over for Lincoln after he gets killed? If they were different guys, they could have easily hung Robert E. Lee. They could have said, you're a traitor. You tr. We could kill all of you.

[A]

All of that rests on Lincoln's brilliance as a leader. Right. That's what you do when you defeat the enemy. You lift them up, and that's when you have success. Because when you humiliate them, you get things like the Nazi party in Germany.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You got to go in there. There, you see the Europe punished Germany too hard. You look at the places that we punish and it just builds resentment. But you look at the places where we rebuilt, like Japan and Germany, and then you make them allies.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So because John Wilkes Booth killed Lincoln.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We got Andrew Johnson. And Andrew Johnson wanted to punish the South.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's why we probably still have a lot of the problems we have today. Because Lincoln wanted to. To extend an arm.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Raise him up. Yeah. You know, reconstruct. Hey, you're our friends. It's over. Good fight.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But Johnson came in and really punished the out of the South.

[B]

I got to learn more about Andrew Johnson.

[A]

And that's really what got us in trouble. So. Thanks, John Wilf. It was just John Wilkes Booth was like one of these original trolls.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who just wanted the attention. He was an actor.

[B]

Yeah. God, he was a fail. Get him at the Golden Globes.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Fat Trump. Shut up.

[A]

You know, that's why you Come to the hyenas. We, we, we know the fucking psychology because.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because this kid was a fucking failed actor.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who wanted the attention. He did it at a theater. He jumped on the stage, broke his.

[B]

Leg like an asshole. Yeah.

[A]

He said, so be it. To all tyrants, they must go. He gave a performance, you know, it was about him. John Wilkes Both made it about him because he wanted the recognition. He was the original fucking troll, the original fucking, fucking serial killer. These guys want attention. So, Rose, if it wasn't. If, if Lincoln was not killed, I'm telling you, this country would be in a better place right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But it's not.

[B]

But unfortunately he died. He got shot in the head. We will do more episode. We'll do some stuff on Andrew Johnson. John Wilkes Booth could be a good leaky roof. Roof candidate for the Patreon. And then.

[A]

Because actors are just crazy narcissists.

[B]

Here's the thing with acting is I, you know, even though, even though I'm saying sorry.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

Yes. Even though I have a succumb in development, I am saying that, yeah, acting is. There's a degree of narcissism there. There's a degree of being in the echo chamber because at the end of the day, it's like, you know, you're just like, you know, I got to work with last week Steve Sharipa, but, you know, Bobby Bakala on the Sopranos. And Steve is such a great guy because Steve said what I've always felt. He. And Steve's an actor. He was like, you know, acting is just, you know, like, he was like, I'm just, I'm memorizing and giving a little bit of life to things somebody else wrote. He was like, the real, the real. He said, the real heroes are the writers. Like, I'm just, I'm taking what they did. It's not that fucking hard guy. He also, I like Steve Sharip.

[A]

He also kind of plays himself always.

[B]

Yeah, well, he played himself for the thing that I did.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

He just.

[A]

I mean, when you go, when you hire Steve Schrepper, you're not saying, okay, now we want you to be a Civil War era Virginia Confederate soldier. And they're going, but that would be.

[B]

Very funny if we did that.

[A]

He's like, hey, guys, what are we doing here?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No, but Steve, But Steve, funny. What's going on? Steve and I were talking and it's like, you know, there's truth to that. Where it's like, yes, you respect it all, but it's like Anytime I see an actor on his or her high horse, I'm like, guy, you're making believe you're somebody else. I mean, that's what my daughter, My daughters play dress up every day after school. It's the same thing. You fucking do it. Yeah. So, which is fine. But just don't talk to me like you are the end all. Be all.

[A]

Yeah, it's just they're performative.

[B]

Everything's performative because they don't really have.

[A]

Have a real self. That's why they're so good at performing as other people. And so that's why when you hear them get up there and say their thing, you're like, this is a monologue. You're an actor.

[B]

That's why I'm a bad actor. Cause I'm real.

[A]

Yeah, it's like. Well, also it's.

[B]

And that's why Nick didn't succeed in acting. Cause you're a real one, son.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, but at the end of the day, let's be honest, there are some good actors like Daniel Day Lewis, Meryl Streep, Cate Blanchett, the list goes on.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But if it's a job that ice teak.

[B]

Ethan Hawke.

[A]

Yeah, Ethan Hawke. But if it's a job that ice tea can fall into.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or if a 10 year old could get nominated for a Golden Globe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then it's just not something. It's not a skill.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like being a surgeon.

[B]

It's not a skill. Like being a podcaster where we just read stuff off ChatGPT. It's. That's a skill.

[A]

Yeah. But actually this is a skill because we're, we're doing nothing, but people are entertained. You ever hear two actors do a podcast?

[B]

Not good. Tim Dylan boy.

[A]

Good. It's not going to be good. Yeah, we know how to be entertaining.

[B]

All right, guys. Robert E. Lee, brilliant tactician, deeply flawed moral character.

[A]

Surprisingly not a Chinese guy.

[B]

Surprisingly not a Chinese guy. How did Robert E. Lee. Do we know how he died? Did he die in obscurity? We don't know about Robert E. Lee's death.

[A]

Yeah, he kind of died. Kind of a sad man. He also, I think pretty much wore a woman's size 6 shoe. The kid was a squeak.

[B]

The kid was a squeak. The kid was about the size of the skin tag on my eyelid.

[A]

He was a tiny little squeak. And I love looking at the pictures of him because I always looked at his feet and he has tiny feet.

[B]

Yeah, kid had a. Had a major stroke. Yeah, he had. He. Kid stroked out so because, probably because the cholesterol was high, the blood pressure.

[A]

Was high, he was also very depressed and he was very sad about the loss, but also about kind of the guilt on his conscious for all the boys that died. And he kind of knew it was fault because like we said, he kind of knew slavery was an immoral thing.

[B]

He knew it was bad.

[A]

So he was like, like, you know, I think it was his pride that made him fight. And I think when you lose, I think there was that sort of awareness in him that like, this was all for nothing and all these boys are really my responsibility now.

[B]

His last words were strike the tent, which meant break camp. Often interpreted symbolically as acceptance of death. So a lot of these guys who are generals, they're just like, they always have like last words that are really cool like this, you know what mean?

[A]

I. I mean, how about. Yeah, because Stonewall Jackson had a nice one. He was dying under the tree and he was like half conscious.

[B]

Andrew Stone. Stonewall Jackson is going to be good after.

[A]

Yeah. On Stonewall Jackson. And his last words were. Oh my God. Bill Hader and Ali Wong broke up.

[B]

That's what he said.

[A]

Can the news force. Can the news force that down our throat to distract us? Sometimes I read the news and I go, nobody asked for this story. Yeah.

[B]

People don't care. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, it's not a story. A couple broke up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why am I seeing this?

[B]

It's because. It's because people consume it and it's stupid.

[A]

Can you give us his last words? Because they were fucking cool.

[B]

Stonewall Jackson. Thomas Jackson. You know, Stonewall Jackson lived in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn for a little while. He did. Did you know that?

[A]

Did he go to Ammonia Bakery?

[B]

Yes. No. Do you know there's the church right there by the water, underneath the Verizono Bridge. Remember we saw it.

[A]

Yes, yes.

[B]

He was the pastor there for a little while. Yeah.

[A]

Right. And Robert Lee. He was there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

George Washington actually was in Brooklyn for a little while. Yes. Yeah. And now there's a lot of people who look like they're Civil War soldiers walking around Williamsburg.

[B]

Yeah. Well, that's why I like to play that little game called hipster or history.

[A]

Yeah. So as he was dying, his words famously were, let us cross the river and rest under the shade of the tree. Because he was seeing the light. The light. He saw the river. He saw the light.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, cuz, what are your last words? Because going to be.

[A]

Where's last words are going to see.

[B]

Let me see those feet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You See, Let me see my last words back. Please don't give Jasmine my password. All right, everybody, that was Robert E. Lee. Go to patreon.comhistoryhyenas to hear more, see more. We got a wild episode over there. And as always, we read the names. The newest members of the Patreon.

[A]

His last words are going to be cut by credit cards. Yeah.

[B]

Cut them in half.

[A]

Yeah. Or you're just gonna say, I want to do over.

[B]

Do over. Yeah.

[A]

Cause you're gonna get that big gold do over in the sky.

[B]

Yeah. Do you.

[A]

You're gonna be rewarded.

[B]

Do you think you'll. I'll know I'm in heaven if. As soon as I get past those gates, there's just cookies and puss. Yes.

[A]

Yes. Yeah. Because your Muslim heaven would just be black and white cookies and just infinite, infinite girls.

[B]

Yeah. It's just what it is.

[A]

My heavens gonna be infinite pizza and infinite. Infinite. I don't want to get in trouble again. Why did my wife start listening to the show?

[B]

Yeah, that was a very funny text to get.

[A]

Why are you listening to this?

[B]

Because you're in heaven. It's just going to be feet all over your face. Just toes up your nose and that's.

[A]

Yeah, no, I'm gonna look like that Greek priest in West.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You got caught with the girl's feet on his face.

[B]

It's just what it is.

[A]

The funniest thing ever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The best pictures ever.

[B]

Yeah. All right, so as always, we go to patreon.com history hyenas. That's the way to join. You get a part of the matriarch, you get all the extra bon bonus content. You get the episodes early. No bleeps, no ads. It's the way to go. Only $5 a month. You know, it's a little bit of money. You can do it. And we have just the most fun out there. And we read the newest members of the matriarchy here, and then we give them an award at the end. So without further ado, I want to welcome the newest members of the matriarchy. And I just want to also say I see a lot of people on Patreon complaining that their names haven't been read yet. You have to give it time. You could join in the not hearing name read for three, four months. Because we're. We're so. We get so many new members every week that we. This is the only way. So just stay calm.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

If you haven't heard your name in, like, a year, please write it, and we'll do an honorary read and we'll. We'll make sure. Because sometimes, you know, things happen.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Just. Just be patient. Okay, so starting off, Yanni's eyes, Michael Strahan's teeth plus Chrissy's tits equals what? Equal? That's. That was the thing. Yeah.

[A]

So this is unfinished, missing a punch line.

[B]

Stephanie Jamada's gentrified grease ball. Gomar.

[A]

Like it. That's a throwback to the Lady Gaga episode.

[B]

Kicks nara hots. Okay. Inwards forever.

[A]

Okay, you got one walk. Yes. I love it. Cuz you're a smart kid. But they really kick him right past you.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

Read it again.

[B]

Kicks nara hots.

[A]

No, the other one.

[B]

Inwards forever. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that's what it is. What it is. Cuz you. You're. You're just a backup goalie.

[B]

It's just what it is.

[A]

Just a backup goalie.

[B]

Yeah, like the Rangers goalie the other day, gave up 10 goals. That's me.

[A]

That's you. Get them by you.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, Jack. Then we got Tim Waltz's Hong Kong Honey pot.

[A]

Drexler. Drexler.

[B]

Then we got cbk chucking Frisbee since Poughkeepsie.

[A]

A little bit of a. Walked into one.

[B]

Yeah. A little bit of walked into one. That's dark. Love our Jewish brothers and sisters. Then we got someone who says they're on ding patrol.

[A]

It's another walked in 1. Ladder 14. It's kind of our fault.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

P. Money 69 asking three lady boys to crack me open and fill me up like ice cream and call it aids cream.

[A]

Ladder 14. Drexler. Drexler.

[B]

E. Money. Tyler Deschital. She has to be spreading her salami on the interweb. Missy Bullets. Tom Auger. I saw Mom Donnie kissing Sandy clothes was.

[A]

That's a Drexler.

[B]

Drexler.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. It's a good one, James.

[B]

B block melted six. Hey, Dino, I made it on the HH podcast and it only cost me $5. You.

[A]

Hey, Dino, I like that.

[B]

Yeah, hey, Dino, I like that. A street in Mumbai. AKA Schultz's toilets. Toilet.

[A]

Drexler.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

Chrissy D Loves people peepee. Yes, true. That's just a fact. Andrea Diddy. Turn Chrissy into Sissy. Okay, okay. Sydney Sweeney's teeny weeny Hugo Boss. All white bikini. That'd be nice.

[A]

That would be nice.

[B]

Captain Jack. Abra Abramoff's Somali daycare. Okay. Not a ding on paper, but sun bath too much. Okay, Peter, one knuckle deep in her shame cave. Coin flip. Call it. I won your prison wallet. Prison wallet, I think is when you stuff something up your ass.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Okay, okay, all right. Okay. Fumariano Rivera. We've had that one. Bentha Dick come in her snatch.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Benedict Cumberbatch.

[A]

Good one, good one.

[B]

The mensch with the stench. Rabbi Fumely. Ken.

[A]

Drexler.

[B]

Bug catching two riders at a time down the Mato HIV lane.

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna put that on the list. All right, that is inventive.

[B]

Okay. Put a gas nozzle in my ass and fill me up regular.

[A]

Put him on the list.

[B]

Get hot.

[A]

Yeah, that's like a baseball. Back to back, it's cold. But then two guys go back to back.

[B]

Ariana Grande's nutrition coach.

[A]

Put him on the list.

[B]

I mean, Stingers now Kanye's cousin Ham, candles and alchemy. Okay, Colonoscopy is much cheaper when you push back another one on the list. I mean, it's just what it is. You just never know. Forest Rooney, Soy sauce Monkey, AKA Eastern Hemi. Steve Buscemi.

[A]

That's a good one. It's a good rhyme scheme.

[B]

Ernesto Para.

[A]

Oh, that. That got me good.

[B]

Tim Dillon. Backshots, AKA Brown verse, Horde of Caucasians, Poo pole, Loophole, Punk vomit Andrew Mama took some Molly and I'm your captain now.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Liam Harrington. Straight to the back of my throat.

[A]

It's a chicken finger.

[B]

Trevor Pimentol. I'm a three dollar bill Frisbee friends call me Juicy Fruit.

[A]

Ooh, like J, E W. Yeah, we're gonna Drexler. We're gonna walk into it a little bit, but it's more of a Drexler. Not bad.

[B]

Dd's L WT Matt Com Conlon, Potato Monkey squeak with a long skinny piece Call me Mick Dagger.

[A]

Put him on the list.

[B]

Yeah, Mick Dagger. Wow. Yeah.

[A]

Inventive.

[B]

Kevin Sarman, Danny. A do rag is my glue rag he uses it comes in his glue rag.

[A]

Yeah, we get a chicken finger. Good. Chicken finger.

[B]

Ben Jagger, Thomas Moser, Japanese pirates at Perhaba Way Song Shien.

[A]

Put him on the list.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What it is? Pink eye schmine. Let me nibble that stink. Wrinkle Drexler, Jackson Mitchell, Kellen Henderson, Jersey, Ari Shafir. Six million overcooked chicken fingers.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

Butch Cassidy and the Crumb bum Kid Charlie CA can't come unless my uncle wears a screaming mask.

[A]

I've had that somewhere. I've heard that one.

[B]

Make no mistake, I can fix AOC with my freedom Glue. Derek the Honduran. That's Monica Leroy coming in your chimney. Call me Santa.

[A]

It's good.

[B]

All right.

[A]

You going to Drexler? I'm also going to Drexler the, the Freedom Glue retroactive.

[B]

I like Freedom Glue.

[A]

Freedom Glue is funny.

[B]

Jim Carrey ate my ass, so I call him Dumb and Dumb Dahmer. Okay.

[A]

Oh, I, I. Yeah.

[B]

Jeffrey Dahmer.

[A]

Wait, that's a good one. I'm going to Drexler.

[B]

It Drexler. Yeah. Chrissy didn't learn it. He was okay. Tommy Cocktamus Prime. Transgender men in disguise. Lux, Chrissy's dog howls because he it what it is.

[A]

Can we do, can we do a check?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Josephine check in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How's it going?

[B]

She's been in dog camp for the past week and a half.

[A]

Why is that?

[B]

Because I couldn't handle it, so I needed a break. So we're getting her back in two weeks.

[A]

How about you shell it out for dogs?

[B]

Oh, it's just what it is about 4k. So it's just what it is. We need you to go to patreon.com history is cuz I just. You know what I mean? I have a little thing called burden fatigue. I got too many things. Things on my right.

[A]

So it start to camp. She started to act like a Siberian German.

[B]

When they get on my nerves, I send you to Camp Ladder 14.

[A]

So you just. So some teach. Somebody's teaching her.

[B]

Someone's just teaching her. A real dog person trying to teach her. And then I said, just bring her back and we'll see how she handles because I can't deal with this. Mm.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That was, I mean, that was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, if you had that, you're not making any money because you, you know, that was the over.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Did I say that right? Yeah. What's the advantage? The one that you don't win a lot of money from? Yeah, yeah. I mean, if this was on ki, people would go, it's going to get sent to dog camp at some point, right? Yeah.

[B]

If a fuzzy muzzy was a bear, then. Okay, Gonzores Venezuela isn't freed. Just under new management.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, he makes a decent point for now.

[B]

Daddy like, thought my Rican was a muzzy because it's brown Rican and fuzzy. The Gaza Strip, aka Frisbee Fortnight. Dakota Miller. Jacob DeMarco. Owen Gansey. Kyle Klein. My dad voted for Mom. Donnie. Now I call him my mommy.

[A]

Put him on the list. Put him on A list?

[B]

Yes. Nick Earmoff's on that one. If my bug was any bigger, it would be a bigger chigger. Okay. Dan Giancarlo, Cusimano, SA Monkey Sauce monkey. Arrested by ICE for smuggling an extra chromosome. Okay. I think both of my dads are gay. William, be Secret Squirrel.

[A]

Both of my. I think both of my dads are gays. Going on the list.

[B]

Yeah. It's a chicken finger goat.

[A]

It's one of those things where you go. Okay, yeah.

[B]

Be Secret Squirrel. Tita Sergio's frostbitten grape juice fountain. Okay. Bruce Shealy, Egghead Childcare and Sea Adventures llc. Gary laporte. Braden Gayer, Julia Wise. Then we got.

[A]

I think we got enough.

[B]

You think so?

[A]

Yeah, I think we got enough. Yeah.

[B]

All right. I just thought to catch up. You don't want to do. We got so. We got so many. All right.

[A]

It would be unfair.

[B]

Okay, here we go. All right, so here's. See, this is the thing. What happens is the list starts out slow, and then. And then all of a sudden, we literally had four out of five, and we. There's. There's like eight to choose from. Yeah. So here we go. Bug catching two riders at a time down the Mateo HIV lane.

[A]

Got to stick around for now.

[B]

Okay. Put a gas nozzle in my ass and fill me up regular.

[A]

It's got to stick around for now.

[B]

Ariana Grande's nutrition coach.

[A]

Got to stick around. Wow.

[B]

Colonoscopy is much cheaper when you push back.

[A]

We got to stick around this.

[B]

Yeah. Tough potato. Monkey squeak with the long skinny piece. Call me Mick Dagger. Bless you.

[A]

What do you guys think?

[B]

I mean, if it wasn't, and if it's not an immediate SC around, then.

[A]

We got to take it off McDagger's. Great.

[B]

Great, though. Japanese pirates at Pearl Harbor.

[A]

Funny. Simple, though.

[B]

Simple.

[A]

What do you think, Drexler?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Pearl Haba is funny.

[A]

Funny, though.

[B]

Yeah. Want to get it out? Yeah, it's just. What? The kids just got a new variant my dad folded for mom, Donnie. Now I call him my mommy.

[A]

We're going to keep that around.

[B]

Keep that around. I think both of my dads are gay.

[A]

We're going to Drex to that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But it's a goodie.

[B]

All right, so the list is be. Let me read out. We have five contenders. Let me read them all out. Bug catching two riders at a time down the Mato HIV lane. Put a gas nozzle in my ass and fill me up right regular. Ariana Grande's nutrition coach colonoscopy. Is much cheaper when you push back. Or. My dad voted for mom Donnie. Now I call him my mommy.

[A]

Okay. We're gonna Drexler. We're gonna Drexler the gas regular.

[B]

Right? Even. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's just. It's the. It's just the way the. The list are some better ones, but you all.

[B]

It is.

[A]

You know, you could have been a winner on another day. That's what Drexler means.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. So then we got bug catching two riders at a time down the Mateo HIV lane.

[A]

Okay. Because that one's a little inside. You got to know who Matteo lane is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And.

[B]

And he's a friend of the program.

[A]

Of the program. We're going to Drexler it. Although it's very funny.

[B]

Yeah. It would be nice to have Mateo.

[A]

On calling a gay guy's asshole the HIV lane instead of the HOV lane is.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. What would be really funny.

[A]

I'd love to have Mateo and if.

[B]

We could do it next Monday, it would be really funny to have Mateo on and talk about the Chicago Bears offense.

[A]

That would be great.

[B]

Funny. He's from Chicago. And have him talk football.

[A]

Yeah. And he's just like, what if I talk carbonara?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know what you're talking.

[B]

He's like. He's like, all I want to talk about is Caleb Williams can fucking get it.

[A]

Yeah. That's really all about.

[B]

Yeah. That would be a 10. Yeah. Or have Joey Commander come on and talk sport.

[A]

Yeah. Joey Kamasa's got new hair plugs and he looks great.

[B]

Looks great. Ariana Grande's nutrition coach.

[A]

That one is so good. We're going to keep it for now.

[B]

Keep it now. Okay. Colonoscopy is much cheaper when you push back.

[A]

We're keeping that for the funny factor.

[B]

And then my dad voted for mom Donnie. Now I call him my mom.

[A]

We're keeping that one for the funny factor.

[B]

So the final three are. My dad voted for mom Donnie. Now I call him my mommy. Colonoscopy is much cheaper when you push back. Or Ariana Grande's nutrition coach.

[A]

Tough one.

[B]

You know why they're tough? Because they're. All three of them are in categories that we've all had. One similar. You talk about Mamdani a lot. We did have talked about Ariana Grande, the Fumariano Grande, and we do talk about gay stuff with colonoscopies and all that. So this is difficult because usually one of them is something more original and we go with that. But these are three hard ones.

[A]

These are actually three ones that I wish had their own list because they.

[B]

All are winners in their own right.

[A]

They're all winners. So for me, this is really tough.

[B]

So what I'll say is what I think my, my opinion is, is the mom Donnie jokes now are becoming a little bit like Asian driver jokes. They can be done, but they have to be really original and hard. I calling him my mommy. Really, really. Actually I think is funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And relatively original. Donnie Mommy. Yeah. So I would vote for that one, but then I could also. But colonoscopies are much cheaper when you push back. Is also original. For me, the least one is Ariana Grande's nutrition coach.

[A]

Okay. So we're going to drex her that agreement with that.

[B]

That's the least one.

[A]

Okay. Directs you that way.

[B]

So it's between colonoscopy. It's much cheaper when you push back. Or my dad voted for mom Donnie. Now I call him my mommy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, who Nick's gonna vote for? Yeah.

[A]

And you know, it's just, it's, it's kind of cruel to say that because Ariana Grande is just not.

[B]

Well, I mean, she actually looks like.

[A]

She'S got out of a concentration camp.

[B]

Yeah. She actually not like it. It's really like she's lost her all attractiveness.

[A]

It's gone. She just, she looks like she's having a mental break.

[B]

Her five years ago.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Was one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, she looked like a child, but, but yeah, she's a pretty child.

[B]

That's why I said it. Yeah.

[A]

She really looks like a child.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm kidding. Little child, she said. Yeah. So I don't know, I don't know what to do with this. What do you like? Colonoscopy or Mom Donnie Mommy.

[A]

I, I, I think colonoscopy is funnier because it's sillier. But I, I think mom dummy calling him Miami, the whole picture of that is very funny. Like, the guy had a father who he respected. He thought he was a man, and now he walks around and says, hey, Mom.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because the way he voted.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's very funny.

[A]

The winner.

[B]

Yeah. Why don't we get. I think we should get some insight. Let's get some infight from the stick and half the Jew.

[A]

Yeah, let's go.

[B]

What do we got? Yeah, I'm going with Mandami. I think that's a clean funny joke. It's been the whole time. Yep, yep. Stick. I'm a mandami. Mommy. Yeah, that's it.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

So, Mom Donnie, my dad.

[A]

You were gonna go with. I'm just curious.

[B]

I was gonna go with Mom Donnie. Wow.

[A]

Unanimous.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

First ballot, hall of Famer.

[B]

First ballot, hall of Famer. My dad voted for Momdani. Now I call him my mommy. You are the winner. Go to History Hyenas is back dot com. History is pod dot com. So you name up the lights, you are the ppw. The pseudo penis of the week. Thanks for listening. Everything's going to [e-mail] history hyenas.

[A]

I'll just say this. When you play this contest, you may not be a winner in life, but for one moment, you hold the trophy. You hold the trophy, my friend. So hold your head up. Pry ahai. And you know, whatever job you go to, if they yell at you today, you say you, I am the ppw.

[B]

Yeah.