Podcast Summary: "The Dirty History of Getting Clean: History Stunk Like S%*t"

History Hyenas with Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas
Episode Date: October 2, 2025

Overview

Comedians Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas hilariously dive deep into the unsanitized—and often overlooked—history of human hygiene. Through stories, roasts, and wild tangents, they illuminate just how filthy most of human history has been, especially when it comes to toilets, sanitation, and how people wiped their butts. The episode blends sharp humor with real historical facts, peppered with personal anecdotes, memorable quotes, and classic Hyenas banter.

Key Themes & Discussion Points

1. Human Waste Through the Ages

• The majority of human existence involved pooping outside (“like most animals”), and the notion of indoor bathrooms is a relatively modern luxury.

  Chris: “The fact that you can even do a poo poo indoors is a new thing, honey bunny.” [03:20]

• Waste management innovations are only about 1% of human history, with ancient examples like Skara Brae in Scotland (3100 BCE).

  Chris: “We've only had waste management in toilets for like, 1% of human history.” [08:27]

2. Ancient Sanitation and Social Practices

• Egypt & Rome: Only the super-wealthy had dedicated toilets, usually a limestone seat over sand-filled containers, emptied by servants.

  Chris: “They had limestone toilet seats over sand filled containers… not really good for the hemorrhoids.” [09:47]

• Rome: Public toilets were communal—imagine "battle shits," politics, and friendship, all in a row of stalls.

  Yannis: “They would go out and there’d be, in rooms... line up, like six of us in a row. We sit there and they would discuss, like, news and politics. Yeah, Wally. Shit.” [13:12]

• Hygiene included a communal sponge-on-a-stick (tersorium) rinsed in vinegar and water, shared among users.

  Chris: “And they had a shared sponge on a stick used as toilet paper. So that was… everybody was getting…” [16:26]

3. The Medieval Regression and Urban Filth

• Medieval Europe: Sanitation got worse compared to Rome. Waste was literally dumped out windows, into moats, or onto city streets.

  Chris: “In medieval times...they just threw it into the water.” [18:42] Yannis: “That’s actually what contributed to the Black Plague, was just how much shit was everywhere.” [20:34]

• Dirty living led to widespread disease, and people barely bathed; it was common to only wash once a year.

• A warning shout (“Gardyloo!”) in Edinburgh signaled that chamber pots were about to be dumped on passersby.

  Chris: “When you're taking a shit tonight, I want you to yell this phrase…” [20:12]

4. Cultural Contrasts: Arabs, Asians, Native Americans

• Muslims, especially during the golden age of the Islamic world, prioritized cleanliness. Bidets, running water, and ritual washing were standard.

  Yannis: “Islamic armies would know Christians were coming because they could smell them from two miles away.” [21:45]

• Asia: The Indus Valley (2600 BCE) had toilets with brick-lined drains; ancient Chinese used sticks with cloth (“shit sticks”), and Japanese people used wooden spatulas.

• Native Americans: Corn cobs, moss, grass, or even snow/ice were standard wiping tools.

  Yannis: “They used corn cobs. That is… really inventive.” [36:59]

5. Evolution of Wiping Technology

• Westerners used a myriad of materials: hay, moss, rags, smooth stones, pottery shards, and their own hats.

• Toilet paper wasn’t commercially available until the 1850s.

  Chris: “Toilet paper was not commercially produced until 1850, folks. Yeah, 1850. That. It's not that long ago.” [38:55]

• The myth that “crap” is named after Thomas Crapper is busted—term predates him, coming from Middle English and French roots.

  Chris: “...people sometimes think the term comes from Thomas Crapper...but that's actually a myth.” [32:57]

6. Bathing, Social Cleanliness, and Torture

• Bathing was usually a luxury; ancient Greeks and Romans had bathhouses, but Medieval Europeans went dirty.
• Cleanliness was a major socio-religious distinction, especially between Christians and Muslims.
• Exposing or smearing prisoners with feces was a torture tactic from ancient Persia to Cambodia and Abu Ghraib.
• The hosts speculate humorously about the under-reported prevalence of “ass cleaning” as torture—or pleasure—among the powerful.

  Chris: “Think about what it is to have like power with no cameras. …Think about the things you could come up with.” [46:41]

7. Personal Anecdotes and Memorable Hyena Tangents

• Chris and Yannis swap wild stories—shitting in vitamin water bottles, “battle shits” in college bathrooms, and disastrous romantic misadventures involving poor post-poop hygiene.

  Chris: “I took a full shit in the vitamin water. I put the lid back on and I put it in the back of the machine…” [15:20] Yannis: “I didn’t wipe my ass. I could feel the squish...And then she starts going behind my balls. She’s checking to see if the garden door is open.” [52:31]

• They riff on the power of horniness to override even the foulest smells.

  Yannis: "The only thing that overpowers fumes is horniness." [55:01] Chris: “If you’re real real horny…anything goes.” [55:12]

8. Reflection and Takeaways

• Even with modern advancements, the hosts note, 100% cleanliness is rare—billions still rely on pit latrines, while bidets remain culturally niche in the US.

• History’s greatest irony: civilizations could build wonders, but still didn't master keeping their butts clean.

  Yannis: “They built the goddamn pyramids, but they didn’t figure out how to wipe their ass.” [56:04]

• The topic is universal; every era has its blind spots, and future generations will surely find our own routines disgusting.

  Chris: “Even with all our advancements now, 500 years from now, they're going to look back about how filthy and disgusting we are right now. So the point is, is nobody...you just get used to your surroundings.” [56:13]

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the absurdity of hygiene history:

  Yannis: “It's funny that the thing we're attracted to on women… is also where shit comes out. It's really weird.” [03:11]

• On ancient sanitation workers:

  Chris: “I want to give a quick shout out to all the sanitation workers who listen...” [08:59]

• On the shared Roman sponge:

  Chris: “Everybody was getting... yeah, everyone used the same stick with a sponge… passed it around like a blunt.” [16:38]

• On the Black Plague:

  Yannis: “That's actually what contributed to the Black Plague... guys were not focused on wiping their ass.” [20:34]

• On modern cleanliness:

  Yannis: “Achieving 100 clean ass is a very tough thing. You can't do it with toilet paper even. It's an infinity wipes until your ass bleeds.” [41:34]

• On cultural differences:

  Chris: “Islamic world, they had the most advanced sanitation, bathhouses, running water, sewer drains in major cities…” [21:06]

• On living through history:

  Chris: “Every second of your life, you're in it. You're living in history.” [56:33]

Historical Hygiene Methods by Culture/Region

| Culture/Region | Wiping/Bathing Method | |--------------------|-----------------------------------------| | Ancient Egypt | Sand, limestone seats, servant-emptied containers [09:47] | | Rome | Communal stone benches, shared sponge, public baths [16:26] | | Indus Valley | Toilets with brick drains, sewage system [11:00] | | Medieval Europe | Chamber pots, dumping out windows/moats, rarely bathed [18:42] | | Islamic World | Bidets, hose, ritual washing, regular bathing [21:06] | | China | Sticks with cloth, communal hygiene [35:06] | | Japan | Wooden spatulas, communal baths [36:39] | | Native Americans | Corn cobs, grass, snow, moss [36:59] | | Inuit | Ice and snow [37:45] | | Colonial America | Corn cobs, newspapers [38:38] |

Timeline of Major Hygiene Innovations

| Date/Period | Development/Practice | |----------------------|-------------------------------------------------| | 3100 BCE | Earliest waste management, Skara Brae (Scotland) [08:27] | | 2600 BCE | Indus Valley: indoor toilets with drainage | | Ancient Rome | Aqueducts, public toilets, communal sponges | | Medieval Europe | Regression: urban filth, excrement in streets/moats [18:42] | | 1596 (16th century) | First flushing toilet (John Harrington) [32:04] | | 1850 | Commercial toilet paper invented [38:55] | | 20th century | Flush toilets become standard globally |

Final Reflections

• Even the most advanced societies struggled with sanitation and basic hygiene—“clean butt” technology lagged behind architecture, philosophy, and engineering by millennia.
• Personal desire and horniness have always overridden hygiene concerns—human nature doesn’t change, just our standards.
• The episode is equal parts bathroom humor, relatable stories, and thoughtful reminders about the ever-evolving (and never perfect) pursuit of getting—and staying—clean.

Highly recommended for anyone ready to laugh, squirm, and realize your clean bathroom is a modern miracle—don’t take it for granted, honey bunny!