The Dirty History of Getting Clean: History Stunk Like S%*t | History Hyenas

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Dirty History of Getting Clean: History Stunk Like S%*t"

History Hyenas with Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas
Episode Date: October 2, 2025

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Overview

Comedians Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas hilariously dive deep into the unsanitized—and often overlooked—history of human hygiene. Through stories, roasts, and wild tangents, they illuminate just how filthy most of human history has been, especially when it comes to toilets, sanitation, and how people wiped their butts. The episode blends sharp humor with real historical facts, peppered with personal anecdotes, memorable quotes, and classic Hyenas banter.

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Key Themes & Discussion Points

1. Human Waste Through the Ages

• The majority of human existence involved pooping outside (“like most animals”), and the notion of indoor bathrooms is a relatively modern luxury.

  Chris: “The fact that you can even do a poo poo indoors is a new thing, honey bunny.” [03:20]

• Waste management innovations are only about 1% of human history, with ancient examples like Skara Brae in Scotland (3100 BCE).

  Chris: “We've only had waste management in toilets for like, 1% of human history.” [08:27]

2. Ancient Sanitation and Social Practices

• Egypt & Rome: Only the super-wealthy had dedicated toilets, usually a limestone seat over sand-filled containers, emptied by servants.

  Chris: “They had limestone toilet seats over sand filled containers… not really good for the hemorrhoids.” [09:47]

• Rome: Public toilets were communal—imagine "battle shits," politics, and friendship, all in a row of stalls.

  Yannis: “They would go out and there’d be, in rooms... line up, like six of us in a row. We sit there and they would discuss, like, news and politics. Yeah, Wally. Shit.” [13:12]

• Hygiene included a communal sponge-on-a-stick (tersorium) rinsed in vinegar and water, shared among users.

  Chris: “And they had a shared sponge on a stick used as toilet paper. So that was… everybody was getting…” [16:26]

3. The Medieval Regression and Urban Filth

• Medieval Europe: Sanitation got worse compared to Rome. Waste was literally dumped out windows, into moats, or onto city streets.

  Chris: “In medieval times...they just threw it into the water.” [18:42] Yannis: “That’s actually what contributed to the Black Plague, was just how much shit was everywhere.” [20:34]

• Dirty living led to widespread disease, and people barely bathed; it was common to only wash once a year.

• A warning shout (“Gardyloo!”) in Edinburgh signaled that chamber pots were about to be dumped on passersby.

  Chris: “When you're taking a shit tonight, I want you to yell this phrase…” [20:12]

4. Cultural Contrasts: Arabs, Asians, Native Americans

• Muslims, especially during the golden age of the Islamic world, prioritized cleanliness. Bidets, running water, and ritual washing were standard.

  Yannis: “Islamic armies would know Christians were coming because they could smell them from two miles away.” [21:45]

• Asia: The Indus Valley (2600 BCE) had toilets with brick-lined drains; ancient Chinese used sticks with cloth (“shit sticks”), and Japanese people used wooden spatulas.

• Native Americans: Corn cobs, moss, grass, or even snow/ice were standard wiping tools.

  Yannis: “They used corn cobs. That is… really inventive.” [36:59]

5. Evolution of Wiping Technology

• Westerners used a myriad of materials: hay, moss, rags, smooth stones, pottery shards, and their own hats.

• Toilet paper wasn’t commercially available until the 1850s.

  Chris: “Toilet paper was not commercially produced until 1850, folks. Yeah, 1850. That. It's not that long ago.” [38:55]

• The myth that “crap” is named after Thomas Crapper is busted—term predates him, coming from Middle English and French roots.

  Chris: “...people sometimes think the term comes from Thomas Crapper...but that's actually a myth.” [32:57]

6. Bathing, Social Cleanliness, and Torture

• Bathing was usually a luxury; ancient Greeks and Romans had bathhouses, but Medieval Europeans went dirty.
• Cleanliness was a major socio-religious distinction, especially between Christians and Muslims.
• Exposing or smearing prisoners with feces was a torture tactic from ancient Persia to Cambodia and Abu Ghraib.
• The hosts speculate humorously about the under-reported prevalence of “ass cleaning” as torture—or pleasure—among the powerful.

  Chris: “Think about what it is to have like power with no cameras. …Think about the things you could come up with.” [46:41]

7. Personal Anecdotes and Memorable Hyena Tangents

• Chris and Yannis swap wild stories—shitting in vitamin water bottles, “battle shits” in college bathrooms, and disastrous romantic misadventures involving poor post-poop hygiene.

  Chris: “I took a full shit in the vitamin water. I put the lid back on and I put it in the back of the machine…” [15:20] Yannis: “I didn’t wipe my ass. I could feel the squish...And then she starts going behind my balls. She’s checking to see if the garden door is open.” [52:31]

• They riff on the power of horniness to override even the foulest smells.

  Yannis: "The only thing that overpowers fumes is horniness." [55:01] Chris: “If you’re real real horny…anything goes.” [55:12]

8. Reflection and Takeaways

• Even with modern advancements, the hosts note, 100% cleanliness is rare—billions still rely on pit latrines, while bidets remain culturally niche in the US.

• History’s greatest irony: civilizations could build wonders, but still didn't master keeping their butts clean.

  Yannis: “They built the goddamn pyramids, but they didn’t figure out how to wipe their ass.” [56:04]

• The topic is universal; every era has its blind spots, and future generations will surely find our own routines disgusting.

  Chris: “Even with all our advancements now, 500 years from now, they're going to look back about how filthy and disgusting we are right now. So the point is, is nobody...you just get used to your surroundings.” [56:13]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the absurdity of hygiene history:

  Yannis: “It's funny that the thing we're attracted to on women… is also where shit comes out. It's really weird.” [03:11]

• On ancient sanitation workers:

  Chris: “I want to give a quick shout out to all the sanitation workers who listen...” [08:59]

• On the shared Roman sponge:

  Chris: “Everybody was getting... yeah, everyone used the same stick with a sponge… passed it around like a blunt.” [16:38]

• On the Black Plague:

  Yannis: “That's actually what contributed to the Black Plague... guys were not focused on wiping their ass.” [20:34]

• On modern cleanliness:

  Yannis: “Achieving 100 clean ass is a very tough thing. You can't do it with toilet paper even. It's an infinity wipes until your ass bleeds.” [41:34]

• On cultural differences:

  Chris: “Islamic world, they had the most advanced sanitation, bathhouses, running water, sewer drains in major cities…” [21:06]

• On living through history:

  Chris: “Every second of your life, you're in it. You're living in history.” [56:33]

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Historical Hygiene Methods by Culture/Region

| Culture/Region | Wiping/Bathing Method | |--------------------|-----------------------------------------| | Ancient Egypt | Sand, limestone seats, servant-emptied containers [09:47] | | Rome | Communal stone benches, shared sponge, public baths [16:26] | | Indus Valley | Toilets with brick drains, sewage system [11:00] | | Medieval Europe | Chamber pots, dumping out windows/moats, rarely bathed [18:42] | | Islamic World | Bidets, hose, ritual washing, regular bathing [21:06] | | China | Sticks with cloth, communal hygiene [35:06] | | Japan | Wooden spatulas, communal baths [36:39] | | Native Americans | Corn cobs, grass, snow, moss [36:59] | | Inuit | Ice and snow [37:45] | | Colonial America | Corn cobs, newspapers [38:38] |

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Timeline of Major Hygiene Innovations

| Date/Period | Development/Practice | |----------------------|-------------------------------------------------| | 3100 BCE | Earliest waste management, Skara Brae (Scotland) [08:27] | | 2600 BCE | Indus Valley: indoor toilets with drainage | | Ancient Rome | Aqueducts, public toilets, communal sponges | | Medieval Europe | Regression: urban filth, excrement in streets/moats [18:42] | | 1596 (16th century) | First flushing toilet (John Harrington) [32:04] | | 1850 | Commercial toilet paper invented [38:55] | | 20th century | Flush toilets become standard globally |

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Final Reflections

• Even the most advanced societies struggled with sanitation and basic hygiene—“clean butt” technology lagged behind architecture, philosophy, and engineering by millennia.
• Personal desire and horniness have always overridden hygiene concerns—human nature doesn’t change, just our standards.
• The episode is equal parts bathroom humor, relatable stories, and thoughtful reminders about the ever-evolving (and never perfect) pursuit of getting—and staying—clean.

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Highly recommended for anyone ready to laugh, squirm, and realize your clean bathroom is a modern miracle—don’t take it for granted, honey bunny!

Transcript

[A]

What's up, everybody? We got a great episode for you. We are going to talk about the history of smells, the history of pooping, and the history of just having a dirty butt. Come see me in Boston, October 9th to 11th. The Wilbur Theater and the Chevalier Theater. Christie comedy.com particular wikis, baby.

[B]

Yeah. Come see me in places like Tulsa. Come see me in Bozeman, Montana, Toronto, Stanford, Connecticut, West Nyack. Go to Giannis Pappas comedy.com for tickets and as always, patreon.com/history hyenas for bonus episodes.

[A]

Love it. What's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. I am Chris Estefano, AKA Chrissy Cannufa. With me as always, Giannis Pappas, AKA Yanni Yams.

[B]

Yanni Yams. Because I like yams. I like candy yams.

[A]

You do like yams because let me tell you something right now. You may like yams, but you're a sweet potato.

[B]

I'm a sweet potato, but I really do like my yams with marshmallow. I like my yams the way the blacks do it. Tell me the blacks do candied yams.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

Yeah, I always liked that. Whenever I've had a black friend, I always like going to the family barbecue and you eat the food out of tin pans.

[A]

I watched a, I, I used to watch a porno that was VHS back in the day that was called Bump and Grind. It was actually Bump and Grind, volume two. And the, you know, it was of course an African American based porno tape. And, and the guy in one of the scenes to the girl as she was taking off her shirt, he said, let me see them candied yams. Yeah.

[B]

My favorite line from the porno I used to watch and I still have it in my mem. She said, oh God. Oh God. He said, don't call God, call Gus. Make you fuss.

[A]

Yeah, I like that. Yeah.

[B]

He was getting blown. He said, don't call God, call Gus. Make you fuss.

[A]

Now, cuz.

[B]

Now when.

[A]

Now we have a. Now we have an interesting episode. We're gonna talk about the history of smelling and the history of.

[B]

This is the history of fumes episode you've all been waiting for. We're gonna talk about the history of people taking a shit. And I came in with a 25% clean ass. In honor of it being one clean ass. In the medieval times.

[A]

In the medieval times. Go to patreon.com history hyenas and we went off and boy, oh boy. And just know that we had a good time [e-mail] history.

[B]

Yeah. It's behind a paywall. For real. For reason.

[A]

But we had a good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good time.

[B]

You want to come over and have a good time, Go over there. And this is going to be a good time as well because today's going to be all about butts.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're talking about, we're talking about yams. It's just funny.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

It's funny that also the, the thing that we're attracted to on women that we want to take a bite of.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is also where shit comes out.

[A]

It's what it is.

[B]

It's really weird.

[A]

Now listen, here's the truth. Early humans, like most animals, relieve themselves outdoors. So the fact that you can even do a poo poo indoors is a new thing. Honey bunny. Everybody was pooping outside just like your father did in the Korean War.

[B]

That's what he did.

[A]

He said he ripped open his asshole because his turd was, was fr.

[B]

You got a good memory.

[A]

And he said he got cornholed.

[B]

You got a good fucking memory. What it is, memory is wild because.

[A]

Well, you can't remember if you sent.

[B]

Me a screenshot the day before because I know you sent it to a thousand people, but that you remembered that detail from so long ago makes me feel close to you.

[A]

It will cause. Feel comfy wanting me because anything that you ever tell me about, I'm going to remember. Get it around. Obviously it's just a joke. You won't get. I love Asian people.

[B]

Yeah. My dad told me. Yeah. So he would have to sometimes take the watch and they'd have to shit outside and it was so cold that night. And Korea.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That one of his, one of his shits ripped his cornhole.

[A]

Yeah. Now let's just. We're going to get into the history of this. It's very fascinating history. But did your dad. You saying you have confirmation? Dad did not have sex with a Korean prostitute.

[B]

I do not have confidence.

[A]

So it's possible.

[B]

No, I know it is so. Because we were having dinner with my brother in his older years and as the waitress came over, like I think I've told him this podcast, he said out of nowhere that did you know that Korean whores got tight pussies?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, that's just what he said.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he was speaking from experience because I think he had a Korean whore with a tight pussy or he had. Or she had a normal sized pussy and he just had a itsy bitsy piece.

[A]

And your brother responded with. And do you know the men have tight assholes? Yeah. So that's just what it is. Now I ask you because if. Cuz if there is possibly a half Korean, half white boy walking around Korea with a small head and Korean eyes, I'm gonna lose my marbles. I'm gonna lose my marbles big. If there's a kid that looks like you with a small head and Korean eyes listening to K Pop, I'm gonna lose my marbles.

[B]

It's very possible. Yeah, it's very, very possible.

[A]

It's possible.

[B]

Cuz did your grandfather have another family?

[A]

Yeah, he did. Because there can't be someone out there with a small head and small eyes. That just wouldn't make sense as a human.

[B]

Yeah, well that's what I got. I got. I.

[A]

So you're saying your half Korean brother just looks like you? Yeah, because can you imagine, are you Korean?

[B]

Yeah, well it looks like that if you look at my eyes. But could you imagine if I had these eyes in a big head? It would look even weirder. Thank God I came out with a Beetlejuice.

[A]

Yeah, it's what it is. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Now because is there another person walking around like you? What you had. Your grandfather had a second family.

[A]

He had a second family which is.

[B]

Was the good old days when you could find. Get away with that.

[A]

Yeah, that's. I mean cuz, let's get rid of the Internet. Let's go back to the stone age so I could just bang out a girl in Saudi Arabia.

[B]

They were, they were pieces. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because now listen, listen to. We're going to talk about. I. You always come up with great ideas. Like we're going to talk, learn all about ancient, ancient latrines preserve feces.

[B]

By the way, my dad always called it the latrine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He still, he called the Johnny pumps and latrine.

[A]

John. My father calls it Johnny Pumps. Doesn't say latrine but he says the.

[B]

Vestibule for a hallway you're going to go to vestibule.

[A]

And he doesn't call hot dogs hot dogs. Calls him Frankfurt.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And what does he call the gender neutral bathroom?

[A]

The gender neutral bath. He calls that switcheroo.

[B]

Yeah. My dad called it the blender.

[A]

The blender is. Yeah. Calls it the ninja. Yeah. Causes the nutribullet.

[B]

It's a blender. Because if you go in there as a woman, in there you're a guy. It's a blender.

[A]

A blender.

[B]

You're mixing fruits.

[A]

Yeah. Fruit. Yeah. Hold on.

[B]

That's coming out of your asshole.

[A]

Which is what we're here to talk about.

[B]

Yeah. Because listen, when you think about history in its entirety, it had major fumare fumar. It stunk so bad, people didn't know about toilet paper. They didn't really have the ability to shoot a spray in your asshole and clean it out. The way tushy does not promote it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I wish it was right. So everyone was walking around with 25 to 97% fumes at all times. They also didn't wash their clothes. They didn't brush their teeth. Supposedly Queen Elizabeth the first, you know, when they got sweets, because they got sweets from the New World, they got sugar. She had a bad sugar addiction and her teeth just rotted out. But because she was so powerful and so admired, it became a fashion statement for everyone to have black teeth. So sometimes peasants would even rub shit in their teeth to make it look worse.

[A]

This is what I'm saying. I would have never. Even though it's fun to watch movies like Braveheart, I want to go back in time to colonial America. I would not have been able to survive there because they didn't have sweets and Puerto Ricans weren't a thing yet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So tell me what I'm doing every day.

[B]

You're not.

[A]

If I'm not. If I'm not eating cookie out of Carmen's ass.

[B]

Yeah. There's one thing. There's only one thing. There's only one thing that keeps you out of depression constantly, and that's the availability of the other side of the menu at a pizza place.

[A]

It's what it is. And they didn't even have pizzas back.

[B]

Then because they had no zeppelin. They had no potato croquette.

[A]

Now, here's a little fun fact. The earliest evidence of waste management was. Comes from Skara Brae, which is Scotland, and that's about third 3100 BCE. So 3000 years before Christ. So you say. Oh, so we've had it for a long time. And the reality is. No. Because if humans have been around for about 2 million years, majority we've only had waste management in toilets about, like, for 1% of human history.

[B]

I mean, it's just about the same amount of time we've had Italian guys to work for the sanitation department. It's what it is. First you got to get the Italians to work for the sanitation department to be able to have a sanitation department.

[A]

Yeah. And I want to also give a quick shout out to all the sanitation workers we have who listen to this podcast.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like this audio podcast. Yeah.

[B]

Do you think back in ancient Egypt and ancient Rome, those guys came over and talked the same way 100. They're like, I'm going over. The pharaoh's got a jam. Yeah, the pharaoh's his hole. His hole.

[A]

Got the whole guy. The whole got backed up. And I got this Cleopatra and I'm. I like to stink my sphinx cat.

[B]

Have you been over to that neighborhood? The houses are beautiful. If the pharaohs and the royal family.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Telling you they. Latrines is nice.

[A]

Yeah, latrines is nice. But you go over there, it's interesting, you know, I mean everybody's covered in sand. They all look like Mod's chicken cutlets. Yeah.

[B]

Ladder. I got to go out to the fucking desert and go under the manholes. I got to go under. I bet you they got jargon for having to go under.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I got to go to deep seas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clean out some fucking shit under there.

[A]

I got to go down. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I got to go under.

[A]

So look, here's the truth is back in those days, like, you know, ancient Egypt, they did have the only. The very, very, very wealthy homes, like the Pharaoh's homes. They had limestone toilet seats over sand filled containers. And they were emptied, of course, by the servants. So they would fill the containers up with sand and make this little limestone seat, which I would think is not really good for the hemorrhoids.

[B]

No. It's funny to think that a lot of these royals in these different civilizations had servants always that came and took their chamber pots.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Whatever it was at the time. But sometimes they were confidence too. So they'd be taking a shit and a guy would be catching it in a bowl and you'd actually be asking about what we should do about the Spanish Armada.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which is also very funny. It's very kerplunk. And it always makes it when it hits the tin.

[A]

Yeah, it makes it. And without these kids having psyllium husk and the right fiber in their diet, I don't know if their shits were solid. They might have been taken. Messy shits.

[B]

They were eating rotten meat. They were eating like salted out, honey covered meat. So it was rotten. They didn't have refrigeration. Eating berries. I mean, guys, shits were brutal.

[A]

Brutal now.

[B]

Brutal.

[A]

The Indus Valley civilization. Where's the Indus Valley? That I don't know where that is.

[B]

It's where the Indus Valley is. It's the Indus Valley in the country called Indus.

[A]

So this is 2600 BCE they had advanced sanitation and the homes there had toilets connected to brick line drains that led to sewage systems. So humans are pretty smart.

[B]

They figured it out. You know, the Romans were the first ones to really figure out those aqueduct systems. The Egyptians, they'd shit in holes. They had some form of chamber pot that was big throughout history, where someone just comes basically just shitting in a bowl and carrying it off and just throwing it somewhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Kind of what I do with, like, my dog when he's in the yard.

[A]

Yeah. I love the idea. I love the idea of a, like a surf and having to catch, like, shit in balls where, like, you know, somebody like our good friend Jim Norton would do it for free. Stay on my face. He'd just be catching his mouth for free.

[B]

Wait a second, you're gonna throw that out?

[A]

Do you know how to have a bite of that? You know.

[B]

You know the restaurants that throw out food, at the end of the day there should be. Right. Just like we said, if you're having a problem with addiction of alcohol or drugs, you should be moved to an Islamic country. You're not allowed it. Just like, do you think people, when they throw out the shit back then, guys like Jim Norton, just the way the restaurants throw out the food, be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You give it to homeless guy. Whoa, whoa. Don't throw that shit out. Yeah, give it to Jim Norton.

[A]

Yeah, it's one of those.

[B]

They're going to use it.

[A]

They're going to use it. I got to have it all over their chest. Just a quick podcast plug Jim Norton's podcast. Jim Norton can save you. Besides, the History Hyenas is the only podcast that I listen to, and it's 10 out of 10. Laugh out loud, funny. So do yourself a favor, after you listen to us, listen to Jim Norton's. Jim Norton can't save you. It's. It's hysterical. Jim is hysterical.

[B]

He's just a funny guy. He always has been a funny guy.

[A]

But. And he likes a little, you know, a little on the chest talking about it. So I'm just saying it just. I just put a connection, saying, you know, maybe, you know, you. Maybe there were people out there back then that did it for free. And that's nice because there's a little something for everybody. As. What do I always say? We're all bees in the same hive.

[B]

We're almost in the same house. We're all. We're all slices of the same pie. Different slices of the same.

[A]

You cannot hurt yourself, you cannot hurt another without hurting Yourself.

[B]

That's right. So the Roman. The Romans figured out the aqueduct system. And they used to. Together, you with your boys.

[A]

They would take battle shits, as we would do in college.

[B]

Well, they had. Everything was public, so they would have. They would go out and there'd be in rooms.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So we'd line up, like six of us in a row. We sit there and they would discuss, like, news and politics. Yeah, Wally. Shit.

[A]

You know what I mean, Dude, One time I was taking a battleship in my old school, St. Joseph's College. We had this bathroom called the gentleman's lounge. And it was two stalls. And I go in there taking a bat and I'm. I go down and I see my teammate next to me, Timmy. And I see. I knew him by his shoes. And he's. You know, I just see his shoes and I'm going to be Battleships. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. And he's not kind of being himself. And so I'm saying, I'm going, you know, crazy. I'm like. I mean, a mat. Like, I used to drink nutrients because I thought that was, like, good for protein, even though I was just, like, drinking a milkshake. But I used to slam these nutrients. So, dude, I was taking a monster shit like. Like. And dying laughing. And he's laughing. I'm like, battle shits. And we would scream, you know, we're. So I leave and then I come and then, you know, like an hour later, I see him. I'm like, dude, what about those battleships? He goes, bro, I was getting a blowjob from a girl in the stall. He goes. So she literally. She got up and was. She was standing on the toilet.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So we didn't see the feet. And he was like. So I'm trying not to. He's like, we're both dying laughing because you're ripping ass.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she knows it was you because you were yelling like, you know, chrissy, Battleships or whatever. I was yelling back then. And I was like, wow.

[B]

So she was in there like, yeah.

[A]

I was just ripping it while this kid was getting a blowy in the next hall. The motto of St. Joseph's College was, watch what happened. So there you go.

[B]

There you have it.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Now, okay, there needs to be, like, a safe word where you get a blowy to let the guy know, because.

[A]

Just real quick, I mean, I used to be, like, truly, like, an asshole in college. You know, One time I saw this guy, he was opening up the vitamin water vending machine. I may have told this story already in St. Joe's and I was a freshman in college and you want to like impress the seniors or whatever. So I go he vending machine. He's got all the vitamin waters out. And then he goes back into his truck because I guess he forgot something. So I, I opened up one of the vitamin waters and I took a full in the vitamin water. I put the lid back on and I put it in the back of the machine. So somebody on the vending machine, when it got down to it, whatever, many weeks later got just a fresh turd and a vitamin water. What it is fun.

[B]

You just gotta have funny though, right? Yeah.

[A]

A little inventive or not have fun out. A little inventive, yeah.

[B]

Kids, you gotta have fun out there.

[A]

Yeah, it's just what it is.

[B]

Yeah, that' that's fun.

[A]

That, that's what it is. That, that's. That's the kind of evolution of shitting is it went from limestone toys to vitamin.

[B]

Yes. I wonder what those guys back then in Rome talked about when they were sitting there. I mean, you know, everyone just saw everyone's junk. You're just sitting there and you're shitting. There's just. And then, you know, it would. It would go into a drainage system and then it would be carried away by the aqueduct. It was pretty good. But I guess they just hadn't figured out privacy yet.

[A]

Well, you know, they didn't care. They didn't care. And you know what it is? I don't think our brains are. Those are that different from them back there. Because if you see there was ancient scripture, you know, writings that they found on the walls. I think it was like Mesopotamia or one of those very early civilizations where they, they were able to decode it. And their guys are just making fart jokes to each other.

[B]

Probably that's what they were doing.

[A]

You've seen that they're making all these fart jokes and it's like. So it's the same. Yeah, it's the same thing. Say.

[B]

Yeah, you know, I just love that it was like, hey, meet me at the toilets at 4, right? Talk about this business.

[A]

Right?

[B]

We're going to, we're going to really take our grain business to the next level. Let's fudge and talk about it on the theater.

[A]

So they were common long stone benches. This is ancient Rome with communally often without partitions. And they had a shared sponge on a stick used as toilet paper. So that was. Everybody was getting.

[B]

Yeah, everyone used the same tick stick with a sponge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it Was like, it was just one. You just passed it around like a blunt.

[A]

Like a blunt. So. And then you wonder why King Louie was getting anal fistulas.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You wonder why people had things growing out of their assholes back then.

[B]

It might have been a better time when you just didn't know about germs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, you know, because maybe, like, you just didn't know. So you didn't have the stress. It's like everyone was so upset about COVID because they were watching news. Imagine you didn't watch the news. You would just. Nobody would have been stressed.

[A]

I'm telling you, dude, get off social media.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you're not going to have any stress in your life because.

[B]

And this is funny, like, you know, it's just easier. Somebody dies. And he really died of some sort of infection from a shared sponge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. But you just go, hey, you know, Hades took him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, you just make up some reason why he died.

[A]

That's what God's 1. Put some coins on his ass. Coins on his eyes. And he's going in, put some coins on his eyes.

[B]

Did they do that?

[A]

They put coins on your eyes because you have to pay the toll for had ladies to cross the bridge.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. With your boys. I'd rather. With my boys. And alone. I get lonely on the toilet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I often call people on the phone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

On there. And I. And then I'll mute it when I got a flush.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. It's just what it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now, so that was ancient Rome. So this is, you know, not that advanced now we go to Medieval times, so it's interesting. It's almost like they go backwards in Medieval times, which is one.

[B]

So it's really funny to think about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In public. Right. And you. There's regulars there.

[A]

There. Yeah.

[B]

So what's up, Jerry? You know, and you're sitting there and then a new guy walks in like, hey, how's it going, man? And he just like, reach out. You. You actually, like, make friends with a new guy sitting across you.

[A]

You shake.

[B]

You like, reach up for a second, you nuts? Hang out. You're like, nice to meet you, man.

[A]

Yeah. It's what it's like being in jail. Yeah.

[B]

But it's like being on the bus, like meeting a new person. It's like being at a cafe. Except everyone's.

[A]

Except everyone's. So in medieval times, in the castles, they had waste. They would actually just throw the shit and piss out of a bucket down a stone shaft that led outside sometimes into Moats. So they. The kids, they went back. The kids in medieval times had leaky roofs. Even in ancient Rome and ancient Egypt, they knew not to shit where you eat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And in medieval times, they just threw it into the water.

[B]

They threw it into the water. So sanitation and cleanliness, when it comes to wiping your asshole went. It didn't go chronologically. It wasn't like. It went straight from like bad to good.

[A]

It's like losing weight. You go up a little. You go down a little. You go up a little, you go down a little.

[B]

Yeah, it was. It. You know, the ancient Egyptians I thought was funny is sometimes they use rocks to wipe. So sometimes you just. You a rock or a lot of times guys would scoot like a dog on grass.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They used moss, they used leaves.

[A]

It's what it is.

[B]

They just use whatever they could. I mean, it was sort of. Yeah, no, it wasn't a one size fits all.

[A]

Sometimes you would just use the face of the animal enemy. Yeah, you would just cut that off. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Somebody's hair.

[A]

Yeah, this is. This is. Yeah, this is the face of a gall. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Once in a while, like a guy would probably even just wipe with his hand and then lick it off.

[A]

Like, why not, dude?

[B]

To clean everything up.

[A]

Wipe it down with your sword. Yeah, why the hell not?

[B]

Yeah, in medieval times is where shit gets very gross. And actually the Arabs, during the Arab expansions and the Ottoman Empire, they were very, very clean.

[A]

So we're going to get to that because everyone, you know, there was this, you know, know, obviously racist thing where people say they're dirty Muslims. And we're going to show you that actually it was the Christians who were filthy, not the Muslims. But in urban Europe, like, you know, in the inner cities, like, you know, you know, Edinburgh and London, they actually would enter the chamber pots from the top floor a lot of times out onto the street. That's why cities smelled awful and there was disease everywhere.

[B]

And they would also blast their rap music out of the windows.

[A]

What it is. And there was a warning cry in Scotland before they toss it out the window. And when you're taking a shot tonight, I want you to yell this phrase. They would go, so when you're shitting tonight, go. And that's what I'm gonna do. And I'm. My kids do it too. Yeah, so that's what they would do. Because a lot of times when I went to Edinburgh, when I went on a tour, they told us about that, that people would get destroyed with shit and piss on A daily basis.

[B]

Yeah. Damn. They would just dump. They would just dump the waste in the street. It was all over. And that's actually what contributed to the. To the Black plague was just how much shit was everywhere.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And so every. I think it would have killed like a million people or something. The black play of it. It's all because the guys were not focused on wiping their ass.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It really was. Wiping your ass big was a big problem until we came out with the toilet.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And. And the. And the. And the toilet paper.

[A]

Yeah. And we're going to get to the history of that because that's also fascinating. But we're getting there chronologically. Islamic world, they had the most advanced sanitation, bath houses, running water, sewer drains in major cities. And just coming from Saudi Arabia, the bidet. Every hotel room, everywhere you go, bidet, bidet, bidet. They spray water in their ants. They think toilet paper is barbaric. You can use toilet paper. They have it there. But really just for the tourists, everyone gets. And if you don't have a bidet, you get a hose. You clean your ass with water.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm only. From now on, I'm going to get a bidet hooked up in the house. I think I got a tush. And I'm going to get Smithtown water pumped directly into my ass.

[B]

That's what you need. You got to get the water into the asshole.

[A]

I learned in the Crusades that they would have. This is a real documented thing, that the Islamic armies would know that the Christians were coming because they could smell them from up to two miles away.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The scent was insane.

[B]

We're talking about people who may be bathed once a year.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

Imagine what women's hair looked like, what men hair looked like.

[A]

I mean, and some of them had to be swim through stuff.

[B]

They definitely swim through a lot of. Here's the thing. Everyone was a swim through back then.

[A]

I mean, when you talk about a swim through back then, though. Yeah. It's like you. It's almost like a Michael Phelps. It's really. You got to be an Olympic swimmer. Yeah.

[B]

The funny thing is, they were just used to it.

[A]

They were used to it.

[B]

Dude. Nobody thinks about everyone's like, I'd love to go back in history. As soon as you stepped out of that time machine, you'd feel like Russell Peters going to India.

[A]

It's not.

[B]

You'd go, what the fuck?

[A]

Think about if you're looking at, like, an ancient text or even a book written about colonial times or Whatever time period, if the author is. Is talking about how bad it smelled, think about how bad it must have actually smelled, because the smells that they were tolerating would be awful, would be disgusting to us. So if the writer is saying it smelled bad, I mean, it probably would actually kill you. Dude, the scent would kill you. Knock you unconscious.

[B]

Every time I've been to Greece and I've gotten in a taxi, it's just. It's like, burns your nostril, hair, armpits, cigarettes. Just the armpit smell from the heat. And the hair, it's just. It burned. Can you just imagine that that guy also hadn't cleaned his ass in a year.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, jets. A double whammy. Yeah, that is really a double whammy.

[A]

We're going to tell you more about toilets and where the term crap came from right after this, guys. One of the tools I've personally seen make a huge difference for business owners is Quo Q U. Oh, coincidentally, also the name of my dry cleaner. Formerly Open Phone. You think we'll get dinged for that?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay. It's the same great business phone system you've heard me talk about before. I've been talking about it, just with a new name. And here's why it matters.

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Because if you're running a business, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table. Yeah. With every customer, conversation matters.

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Yeah.

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[B]

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[A]

And it really is. You know, these days they ensure just about. I mean, the pet health insurance is great. My dog accidentally got electrocuted on Friday and thank God we had the health insurance because it's fine now.

[B]

It was an accident.

[A]

It was an accident.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now. And they insure everyone. Cars that lose value the second we drive them. Phones we trade in every two years. Trips we haven't even taken yet. But our pets, these are truly irreplaceable and they often go unprotected like I used to do before I got in the program.

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So.

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Yeah.

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[B]

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[A]

So okay, so then in the early modern period, which is what probably like 1600s, we had privies. That's what this. Now we're starting to get a little bit more sanitary. They're starting to say, listen, we can't be shitting. We can't shit in the river. Yeah. So they got privies, which were outdoor wooden outhouses with pits that became very common in Europe and North America. So you would just. It's basically, like, avid. It's like their version of like, a cesspool.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're just shitting. You could. By the way, you could still have an outhouse today. If you just dig a hole deep enough, you could shit in it, and you'll just go right back into the ground.

[B]

It's good for the ground. Yeah, it's very good. It's fertilized.

[A]

That'll save. If you want to put up in, like, an outdoor bathroom, just get a fucking little outhouse.

[B]

Hey. If you want to save on plumbing, See the hole. Shit like a dog. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Why not save on water? Right.

[B]

If you want to save on water costs.

[A]

Yeah. Actually, they had. In this period, they had something called night soil. Human waste was collect. Night N I G H T. Not like a night. Not a royal night. Nighttime soil. And it was human waste that was collected by people called the night soil men. And they sold it as fertilizer, especially in China and Japan, where it was a valuable resource. So that's what it. That. It was a big Asian thing where they. Instead of using cow fertilizer, they would just use human fertilizer. Which leads you directly to Covid.

[B]

Yeah. And here's the thing. When, like in King Henry time. Times when he would. He would. In public, there'll be a lot of people gathered around to watch him, and then they would take a. And analyze it for his health.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it was very.

[A]

I mean, occasionally, me and you, like, we're here. We're entertainers. You know, at certain places, we can't sell tickets. And. Well, and then if you think about it, like, King Henry viii would sell more tickets to get a watched than we can in Cincinnati.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I like to do sometimes is I like to kamikaze people with a text of my shoes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's what you do. Be like, yo, bro, you got to see this picture. And then you just send a picture of your. That's fun. That's good, innocuous fun.

[A]

Yeah. Or you. Or you hit it. Or you hit him with a fart. Like, you know, like you hit him with. And what I like to do is I like. Like I'll write something like, let's go, Mets.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or George Washington. Like. Like this one. Let me find one. Like, I'll just say, because, you know, they know I love history. So I'll say, like, here, George Washington. Let me see George Washington. And then we'll find. Find a goodie. Oh, it's not popping up. Well, I have. I have them.

[B]

Well, let me tell you this. While you're looking for that, I'll tell you some fun things.

[A]

Not worth it.

[B]

Here's some fun things before we get back to the evolution of.

[A]

Well, it's. But it's also just smells. I think it's very interesting to talk about what history smells like.

[B]

Oh, it was brutal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it was also used for torture. Right. Okay, think about it, right? What do you want to do to. If you want to dehuman, humanize someone, you know, you go, hey, if I'm an English lord, like Tony Hinchcliffe looking English lord, because the kid looks like.

[A]

An English lord big time.

[B]

There's no. I've run out of chamber pots. Would you mind laying on the floor and opening your mouth so I can defecate in your.

[A]

In your mouth? Yeah. And I know some of you guys would be doing that with a hard on. Yes, some of our fans.

[B]

So check this out.

[A]

Nick being one of them.

[B]

An ancient Persian method that they used to torture people was they would take the captive, the prisoner, and they would trap him and repeatedly smear, smear, and force feed them with milk, honey. And we already talked about that. What that was the.

[A]

That was from. Well, that was in our live. Live. Our live podcast. We did last week at the comedy seller, which is awesome. Which is available at the $25 level at patreon.com history hyenas. We talked all about torture, different forms of torture, and we spoke about this type of torture.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And it was amazing. That was an amazing live show.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Come to our live shows. We really. I'm honest, this isn't. I mean, it is a plug. But I have the most fun doing the live show because the audience is having a great time.

[B]

Yeah. This was during the Khmer Rogue or whatever dynasty. So the regime describes prisoners being forced to eat or otherwise be exposed to human waste as part of torture and degradation and sites like S21 and other detention centers. Oh, so this is more modern.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Totalitarian. So they would make you eat your own. Yeah, yeah. Which is something R. Kelly did for fun.

[A]

Yeah, it's just what it is. And they would do it and go, yummy, yummy in my tummy.

[B]

Abu Grave, you know, Abu Ghraib, we didn't talk about that a lot.

[A]

Are they doing a comedy festival? I'd like to go, dude.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. So they would smear it. Spirit all over them. They people. One of the big things people like to do to prisoners, just smear them in.

[A]

It's just what it is. I mean, honestly, history sounds like a YMH live show.

[B]

Oh, God. Yeah. They would force people to eat the. And. And then vomit.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

To break them. Oh, my God.

[A]

It was brutal. This is literally your mom's house life. Yeah, that's what it is. This is Tom Segura in the Tom Segura I didn't realize was an ancient lord.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, it is. Brutes. Maggots.

[A]

Brutes. Magoodies.

[B]

That was just part of the deal.

[A]

Deal.

[B]

Because you always think about, like, all these torture mechanisms. I bet you a lot of it was just like, eat your own.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or eat this guy. Shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because there's nothing worse than that.

[A]

Yeah. Now, now, here we go. We got John Harrington in the 16th century. He invented the flushing toilet in 1596. Though it didn't really spread widely because people are like, you know what? Why do I need to flush a toilet when I can just shit on my servants and have them meet it?

[B]

But this guy's an English hero. He's not talked about enough.

[A]

Yeah. And now sometimes, because the term, the word crap comes from Middle English, crap, C, R A, P, P, e. Around the 14th century, which meant grain that was trodden underfoot in a barn, basically, it was waste residue that was left over from harvesting. And over time, English speakers started just using the term crap, you know, and all that. And then people sometimes think the term comes from Thomas Crap Crapper, the Victorian plumber who popularized. Popularized flush toilets. But that's actually a myth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So a lot of people would say, oh, Thomas Crapper. The term crap. But the truth is, that's why I want to. It's just not true. They did not. Feces was around. The slang use of crap, meaning feces was around long before his name was known. So it's just a coinky dink. It's probably that the term crap was around from the French word crappy. C, R A, P, P, E. And Thomas Crappy probably got a lot of shit, literally, when he was a kid. So he then eventually subconsciously just gets into plumbing. Yeah. That's honestly probably what happened. And then he got associated. The kid made an advanced toilet, and then boom. Yeah, I think that's what it was.

[B]

So, like we said the Romans and the Greeks, they use something called the tersorium, which, as Chris said was ter. Tursorium, was a sponge on a stick. It was rinsed in vinegar and water.

[A]

Actually. Sounds good. It sounds like a cucumber.

[B]

Here's another good one, though. They used smoothie. Smooth pottery shards.

[A]

Smoothies.

[B]

But that was always a problem because it would cut your.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

So these guys were figuring out math and geometry and philosophy, but they were wiping their ass with little bits of broken pieces out of.

[A]

It's what it is. It's just clay. Yeah. Their look like Magic Johnson after a night in the 90s.

[B]

Yeah. So they also used pieces of broken tiles. Tiles, yeah. So it was, you know, it had pros and cons.

[A]

Pros and cons.

[B]

You'd get a little smear on the tile, but you'd also get a little red on that.

[A]

Well, I say. But you know what? It would be nice, though. I mean, forget about toilet paper. You can just use the floor of your bathroom to wipe your ass. Yeah, you could.

[B]

It's really funny though, to think practical humans were figuring all this out, but none of them could crack the code of having a clean ass.

[A]

They just could not.

[B]

They could.

[A]

They had the enlightenment. They do all these advances in. In modern stuff, science. But the ass was still just a zero.

[B]

They did all of this with a very dirty ass. And some of me thinks that homosexuality got popular, so at least you could stick that thing in and pull the out.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

Maybe it was a way to clean your ass.

[A]

Yeah, it's what it is.

[B]

So in ancient China, they used sticks wrapped with cloth or simple wooden sticks, sometimes called shit sticks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they would just use the stick and they would turn it and clean their ass and what it is.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Yeah. So they had that and the Sandra D's over in ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia, they use sand. So they just take a handful of sand.

[A]

You got to use what you got, hon. You use a little sand. Yeah.

[B]

And sometimes a fistful of pebbles.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or just like I said, a smooth rock.

[A]

Dude, It's. Whatever it is. They were using sand in ancient Egypt, Italy, they were just using hand handfuls of spaghetti. Whatever you got, just get it out of your ass. Whatever you had, whatever it is. America, we wipe our ass with a gun.

[B]

Yeah. So then the Europeans during the medieval time, where, like we said, it got really nasty. They used hay, straw, moss, rags, and even, like I said, their own hats.

[A]

Yeah. Do you think. Do you think in India sometimes they would just uncoil their turbans and wipe their ass with that and then put it back up.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

[B]

This is funny to me.

[A]

Would use their frisbees.

[B]

I think it's there. I mean, you could have a frisbee game with it. You could also use it as toilet paper.

[A]

Why not? Is what we think. What we're discovering about the ancient world is practicality.

[B]

Practicality.

[A]

People are practical.

[B]

They're very practical.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So in Europe, the. The royals would use a rope because. A rope.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Or wool or lace straps.

[A]

All right.

[B]

So it was sort of like a rope and it just acted like a G string. And. Yeah, just go like this ass with the.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

And clean their ass.

[A]

Little seesaw action.

[B]

Yeah. Now the Japanese, very clean people.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Very, very clean people.

[A]

And they take little tiny shits.

[B]

Yeah, they used. They do. They used a wooden spatula. All right. Wooden spatula, like stick. So they would just wipe it out like that.

[A]

And like they're making a crepe.

[B]

They would scrape it. Yeah. Like it was like. Look like a crepe maker. Yeah, yeah. Native Americans, they use corn cobs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they'd eat the corn. That is. Is really inventive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you're done with the corn.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Right after it's eaten, and it can kind. It's a little wet, too. I mean, you're, You're. I mean, your ass is going to smell like popcorn.

[A]

Yeah. But maybe that's where cornhole comes from. Your dad.

[B]

That could be where.

[A]

That could be a cornhole.

[B]

Yeah. Thing.

[A]

Because corn in the cob, but it's like round.

[B]

And I can imagine you could just kind of sit on it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I think maybe a few gay guys just turned it.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

Turned a little 100 and just went in. But maybe if you put it in and pull it out, you get a candy out.

[A]

Apple. It's possible. And then when they would run out of corn cobs to wipe their ass, they would just use the scalps of white men.

[B]

That's what they did.

[A]

What it is.

[B]

They also used grass, snow, or moss. So they'd scoot.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

They'd scoot on the ground.

[A]

That's nice. But they're getting nature. Yeah.

[B]

And then you had the induit people, who are the natives, up in the frozen areas.

[A]

They used ice.

[B]

Yeah, Used ice because the ice was. That's probably very clean, though.

[A]

Very clean mixture of water.

[B]

But it was. It was hard. So they kind of used the ice and it had cleaning you got it.

[A]

Out and it has dual action. It'll wipe your ass and it'll freeze off any warts.

[B]

That's good. That's another thing it could do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can get rid of the general wards too.

[A]

Freeze. Just freeze them off. So I like it.

[B]

Yeah. And then Pacific Islanders used coconut husks.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

They also use shells. That's going to hurt.

[A]

That's going to hurt.

[B]

They use shells.

[A]

Coconut husk is going to hurt too.

[B]

I don't even. What is that?

[A]

It's hard. Yeah, right. Isn't that what a husk is? Yeah. I don't know.

[B]

I don't know what a coconut. I guess it's the outside of the coconut. Yeah. Sailors on ships used old ropes. They use seawater.

[A]

You.

[B]

That's probably. They were probably some of the cleanest. Yeah, just, you know, just. Hey, I took a shit, guy. Guy has some horrible diarrhea. Just runs up his friends hold his hands and he just dips his ass in the water and cleans it up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Colonial America, they. They copied from the native Americans. They used corn cobs. Later they used newspapers, so their assholes were smudged bad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They use catalogs and almanacs. Finish reading a book and be like, you know what?

[A]

It's time.

[B]

It's time.

[A]

Toilet paper was not commercially produced until 18. 1850, folks. Yeah, 1850. That. It's not that long ago.

[B]

It's crazy to think that it was only 1850 that somebody walked around with a 92% clean ass.

[A]

It's what it is.

[B]

I'm like Dave Portnoy with the ass scores sometimes. I'm 93.7.

[A]

Do you know how stinky our founding fathers.

[B]

Can I smell yours to find out where you're at?

[A]

Come on. No, we're not gonna do it. I'll take away. Take away. Oh.

[B]

Cuz, you got a handsome face but a really ugly butt.

[A]

It's what it is.

[B]

Cuz your butt is big and white and milky.

[A]

It's what it is, Right? It's got a little cellulite on the cheeks.

[B]

Cuz, did you open your.

[A]

I opened it wide open. I got caught a little breeze gave.

[B]

You a red eye?

[A]

No, red eye. It's what it is. Is. Yeah, it's like a flight to LA gave you the red eye.

[B]

Why? Why? It just wasn't a priority. They say in the middle they sail. In medieval times, like because the kings were so focused on spending money on like conquering and subjugation or whatever, they just weren't focused on cleaning their Butt.

[A]

It's just what it is. It wasn't a priority.

[B]

Now, women also had dirty butts too.

[A]

What it is.

[B]

So it's like you're dealing with a double fume there.

[A]

But I'm a titty guy.

[B]

You're a titty guy.

[A]

So I'd be okay with the dirty butt.

[B]

I would just like. There probably was a lot of titty going on back then.

[A]

100.

[B]

As soon as the girl took off her shawl or whatever, you were like, whoa.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You're like, Joe. You're like, whoa.

[A]

Yeah. It'd be one of those things where you got to just get a blowy and then come in your hand and try to throw it in the push to procreate.

[B]

Ladder 14.

[A]

It's the only way to do it.

[B]

It's the only way to do it. To avoid the fumes.

[A]

It's the only way to do it. Yeah.

[B]

Or you could jerk off into your head.

[A]

Yeah. And then jump it in. Bowl it in. Yeah. Like Pete Weber Jr.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. So toilet paper, 1850s and then flush toilets only became the standard in most of the world in the 20th century. Though billions still rely on pit latrines. Right now, in this day, they still got billions of people. Well, not probably billions anymore, but there's millions of people right now that don't have a toilet. In Japan, the high tech bidet toilets are also very common. So we're one of the only countries where a bidet is not standard. These other countries, everybody's got a bidet. They can't believe that you're using only toilet paper.

[B]

Yeah. In China. Don't. Don't they still have a hole in the floor?

[A]

I don't know. They might.

[B]

I think a lot of places that are very rude roll.

[A]

Right.

[B]

They'll do the hole in the floor.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So, you know, there's plenty of places I think in the world where you can't really achieve a 100.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Achieving 100 clean ass is a very tough thing. You can't do it with toilet paper even. And toilet paper was such a massive improvement. But I've never just solely wiped from toilet paper and been done.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's like the number pie. It's an infinity wipes until your ass bleeds.

[A]

Right. Like, it's just.

[B]

I've never been able to clean my asshole effectively with just toilet paper.

[A]

Have you? No, no.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No.

[B]

Unless I take a lot of psyllium husk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then. Then you get a nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So also people didn't bathe that much except in Rome and in Greece, they did bathe a lot. And it was also social. So you took a. With someone, it's like going to the bar and then you got in the bath with them. So me and you would go meet up at the bath house and just sit and just be in a bath together.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And that's just dudes just hanging out. But they didn't have soap a little lot, but they used a lot of oils and they scraped off dirt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I think they kind of. Maybe they just kind of groom themselves like monkeys do.

[A]

Yeah, it's just what it is.

[B]

I'll scrape off yours, you scrape off mine. Then the next thing you know, we're jerking each other off. And the next thing you know, we're talking philosophy. Yeah, it's just what they.

[A]

Just what it is. It's just called the little thing called life in the. In the back in the day.

[B]

Yeah. Ancient Egyptians, they. They washed frequently. But bath houses were also popular in medieval Europe. Europe in early medieval town.

[A]

Then there's probably a lot of gay activity happened in the bathhouses of antiquity as well.

[B]

Yeah, but the problem is the water was just gross.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So it was. It was a lot of lack of clean water in medieval Europe. Medieval time. The white man just got very dirty.

[A]

Let's talk about how dirty the white man is right after this.

[B]

Because you know all about this.

[A]

Because I like Built Rewards. B I L T. It's a way to pay your rent and also get some points on top of it. I mean, everywhere you look, every credit card company, everybody, you get points back to buy other things. And now you can do it with your rent. Why? Just, you know, people always say, oh, you're paying the rent. You're flushing the money down the toilet. Well, now you're not. Because that rent money is actually going to get you something in return. By paying rent through bilt, you earn flexible points that can be redeemed towards hundreds of hotels and airlines. A future rent payment, your next Lyft ride, whatever you want. But it doesn't stop there. Built is about making your entire neighborhood more rewarding. You can dine out at the favorite local restaurants, earn additional points, get VIP treatment at certain fitness studios, videos, and enjoy exclusive experiences just for Built members every month. You know, and I don't even. I don't know anyone at all associated with the company. I just know that it's a good thing, but I don't know anyone who's involved in it. And if. And I'm sure they're all really great people and like to have fun and don't mind getting poked at because you know, it's just whatever sometimes. Here's the and this is just a general blanket statement. I'm not. This is has nothing to do with Bilt because Bilt is just a great company but sometimes having a billion dollars just isn't enough. Now if you want to earn points on rent and around your neighborhood, wherever you call home, just go to joinbuilt.com history hyenas that's J-O-I-N-B-I-L-T.com history hyenas make sure to use our URL so they know we send you. Even though I don't know anyone associated with the company.

[B]

No. Listen, if you're paying rent, you might as well pay rent with built so you get some points back. It's pretty simple.

[A]

Now cuz when's the last time you jumped in the tub?

[B]

I love a good tub.

[A]

When's the last time you went in the tub? Just you.

[B]

I. It was recent.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I like you hit the tub. I like hopping in the tub.

[A]

Fill it up, you put bubbles cuz.

[B]

Then you could use your hand and just really clean your anus.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You could really get in there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

See I like to power wash my.

[A]

Cuz the more and more we do this podcast, the more and more I'm on the side of the Turks.

[B]

I like to, I like to power wash removable power. I even go removable shower head and I treat it like, like someone would do the outside of my house.

[A]

Yeah, power wash. Power wash. Power wash. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Or I, I hop in the tub and I use my hand and I scrape it up.

[A]

What it is you're. Yeah you've. You named the removable shower head. Jose is power washing that the power washing the crib?

[B]

How do you clean yours?

[A]

Me?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What I like to do is I. If I'm. If I. If I'm doing a poop, what I like to do is I go into. After you know, I wipe and then I go into the shower shower and I just turn around and I spread open my asshole like I did on camera right here and I just let the water hit the ass. So in some, in some way shape or form, I do do my own version of a bidet, but that's just bent over like I'm a stripper with this shower nozzle on my ass.

[B]

Yeah. A lot of people, you know, if you're ever intimidated by a person, just think about them in their Shower, trying to get their asshole clean. They're bent over, they're grabbing their ankles and they're trying to line up a stream directly with the corner.

[A]

Yeah. And what I used to do too, when my kids were literally little is, and you know, if any of my neighbors ever saw me through the window, they'd call the police. As I take a. I wash my ass. And then just for a little extra just cleanliness, I would go into one of my kids room and get their destined butt butt cream and pull down my pants and put some cream in my butt. That's just what I would do. And I would just, I would just kind of, you know, pepper my ass a little bit with their baby butt cream. And Jasmine would always say, we run out of this butt cream so quick. I mean, where does it go? And I was like, it's in my. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Do you think some of these kings, queens, princes, knights would force people to clean their asshole with their mouths?

[A]

100%.

[B]

That's gotta be one. That's gotta be an underreported form of torture.

[A]

Think about what it is to have like power with no cameras. Like if you had that absolute power as a king and there's nobody that's gonna say anything to you, think about the things you could come up with.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Think about it.

[B]

That would probably be more popular, I.

[A]

Think, than not 100%.

[B]

Just like. And even, just not even, not even slaves or captors. I think they would do that to servants probably. Yeah, they go like. Because, you know that's, that's killing two birds with one stone with your mouth. It's like, I'm going to get a clean asshole and it's also going to feel good.

[A]

It's what it is.

[B]

Now if I could do that, that would be great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If we could create dolls that will clean our ass.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

By putting their mouths on them. Yeah, that would be nice.

[A]

That would be nice.

[B]

I think there would be a lot less anger in the world if everyone got their asshole cleaned by a warm mouth.

[A]

Me too. I really agree with you, hon.

[B]

I really believe that.

[A]

Now in India they would ritually bathe in the Ganges River. And in certain parts they still do. And that's central to the Hindu practice. This wealthier people were the ones who bathe daily. Poor people less often. A lot of times the poor people in these places in, you know, when you go back in time, I mean, like Yana said, once a year was a privilege to bathe. They just weren't ever doing that. And they actually Would never bathe babies. They almost didn't want to ever bathe children. That thought it was bad for them. They thought bad. There was a point of history. They thought bathing was bad for you.

[B]

Yeah, they thought water was like, bad, bad. Did something bad to you. They would always use perfumes and oils.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It reminds me of this time when I was in. When I was in camp when I was little and I peed the bed. I only peed the bed once and it was. I was on the upper. Upper bunk of the. In the cabin and I woke up hearing the drip of the pee your.

[A]

Brother was getting dripped on.

[B]

Yeah, I was dripping on the kid below me's whatchamacallit. What do they call those sacks?

[A]

Sleeping bag.

[B]

I heard it hitting like the nylon salon. And I woke up in the drip and I was just so embarrassed. I got a. I got a shot. Shout out. Saul. His name was Saul Brown. He never said anything.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But I was so scared to throw it out.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

Because I didn't want it. I don't know why. So I made the decision to put it in my hamper and then put it in the corner in my cubby and then I just sprayed it every day.

[A]

Right.

[B]

With like bug spray and stuff just to mask the smell.

[A]

Now let me ask you this.

[B]

I had to just get through another two weeks.

[A]

Now, how did. How were you able to. In camp to secretly wash those fish nets? They must have been a little stained.

[B]

No, dredged.

[A]

You got a pissed in your fish nets?

[B]

They did get dredged, yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you ever pee the bed?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I peed the bed. I remember one time my mom took me on. This was fun to be 10 years old when all your friends are going to, you know, Splish, Lash and Disney. My mom took me on a singles cruise to Nova Scotia, Canada. So that was fun to just go on that, you know, my mom be single and go around trying to meet guys on a boat to Canada. Canada. I had to go with her because my dad wouldn't watch me that weekend. And I just, you know, I guess being on a cruise ship, the Motion. I just woke up and I pissed the bed big.

[B]

And you. And it got in her bed too, right?

[A]

Well, no, same thing. Top bunk. And then unfortunately, I pissed all over the guy she was banging. Yeah, Yeah, I just. I did a big pee pee, but I haven't pissed the bed.

[B]

Shit your pants?

[A]

I've shit my pants many times. Yeah, I've shit my. Not many times, but I would say I'm being honest. Cause I've been alive 41 years. Years I've had. I've probably thrown out 4 or 5 shit filled underwear in a public place. Like 4 or 5 times. I've shot it to the point where I have to go into the bathroom, check the damage, and then throw out the shit pants.

[B]

Check the damage.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Imagine being in history where you only had one pair of wool pants.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you shit them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They got to go back on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't just go to Kohl's and get a new pair of khakis.

[A]

One time I was on a date with a girl. It's 100. True story. This is about five years ago. I took a. We were out on the date. I had to take a. It was just one of those things. And I had to wipe quick. I just wiped it quick, quick, quick. You know, wash my hands. What I thought was thoroughly. And then later on in the night, you know, she's. Her hair was like, like a little like messy. And I just did like a romantic move and I went like that. And she went, do you on your fingers? I swear to God. And I said, said, I. I don't think so. She goes, you have on your fingers. And she was like, I knew you took a. In the restaurant. You were gone so long. And then she literally was like, I can't do this. And she walked away.

[B]

I once was on a date with girl I was in. I was in Copenhagen doing shows out there. And we went to a bar and started drinking and I started getting the rumbles. And it was one of these, like, dive bars that had a bathroom without a door on it.

[A]

Sure. So was it just for men or was it a unisex?

[B]

Unisex bathroom. Yeah. Thank God there weren't a lot of people in the bar. But I was like, how am I going to pull this off because I have to shit. And it was one of those shits where I knew it was going to be repeat runs. You know, when you have the runs, but then you got the reruns.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Get the first one out. Then you stand up, you get the bubbles again. I knew I was on the first round of bubbles.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I was like. And we're drinking, you know, it was just me and her. So I pretended I didn't want to say I was going to be gone because, you know, pissed. You're only gone for a certain amount of time. So I said, I got to take a phone call.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And this was. This was before you Know you could get service anywhere.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So if she had thought about for a second, there's no way I had to make a phone call because I was in Copenhagen.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I had one of those little Nokias.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I went. And I just started walking around towards the bathroom.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. Because. And I could see the back of her head because she was sitting on that.

[A]

She. Peace.

[B]

She was peace.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And so I just started pretending like I was talking to mtv.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was going, yeah, mtv, that deal's gonna come through with whatever. And then I just slid into the bathroom because I pretended like the. I was in an argument that escalated. So I was looking for more privacy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I just hopped. I just went into the. To the bathroom quick. And I just did that successively. And then there was also no toilet paper, so I just. Shit.

[A]

Did you grab a tile off the floor?

[B]

No, I. The floor. I just had a really dirty ass hole from it. And then we.

[A]

The fact that you had diarrhea and didn't wipe multiple times is repulsive.

[B]

It was repulsive because I had nothing to wipe with. I went back, we kept drinking. And then here's the kicker. Then we start making out and we go back to her place. So I'm making out and hooking up with her with a dirty asshole like you wouldn't believe.

[A]

Not a dirty asshole. A filthy, disgusting, decrepit, vile asshole.

[B]

Yeah. And then she starts kissing down my body and I'm going, whoa. And then she goes down there. Yeah. And she starts doing it. And then she starts going behind my balls. She's checking to see if the garden door is open. And I've never felt opposites in my life. I felt opposites. It was pure euphoria and horror at the same time.

[A]

What happened?

[B]

Well, it opened up a portal. And I said hello to Jesus. And that's the way you do it. I didn't know that's how you talk to God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You have to feel opposites simultaneously. So it felt so good and, oh, so scary.

[A]

She licked her ass with the dirty ass. Wow. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And you know what's funny? That's just. Was another day in medieval Europe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And maybe she was okay with it because she comes from a long line of Vikings and she never said what they did.

[A]

She never said anything about it.

[B]

It was. It was fine.

[A]

Did you ever see her or talk to her again?

[B]

I did, actually.

[A]

Really? She didn't die of some mystery chief. He lived. He didn't get a parasite.

[B]

But I tell you what, after that My asshole was clean. Yeah, it was clean. She gave it a nice.

[A]

She probably was saying herself, this is just what Greeks smell like.

[B]

It was just.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It was just a horrible, wonderful experience all at the same time. I mean, literally, I did not wipe my ass.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I could feel the squish.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

When I walked, I could feel the squash.

[A]

Well, the only thing I'll say is maybe diarrhea.

[B]

This be the patriot.

[A]

Maybe diarrhea is a little less. Maybe diarrhea is a little less. Like it just kind of comes out at such a force that maybe it doesn't linger.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

It's like when you crack an oil pipe, it just shoots out.

[A]

It shoots out?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Possibly.

[A]

Yeah. It's like you're in Landman.

[B]

Yeah. Maybe it wasn't that bad.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Or maybe she liked it. Or maybe she just liked it. Maybe she went down there because she got a whiff of it and she wanted more.

[A]

Listen, people are absolute heathens. And pigs.

[B]

Yeah, Everyone.

[A]

All dirty animals that like some. You know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's just what it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Back one time I was getting a blowjob from a girl and she had a huge booger on her nose and it wound up on my dick and I could. She was a piece. I could have talked to her anymore because she just gave me a booger dick. But there's nothing you could do. Sometimes you got to just deal with it. Yeah, you gotta just deal with it.

[B]

The only thing that overpowers fumes is horniness.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's like love. Like what is more powerful than hate or spite? Is love? The only thing that overpowers bad fumes is horned up.

[A]

Horned up.

[B]

You're horned up enough.

[A]

You'll.

[B]

You'll swim through anything.

[A]

If you're real and you're real real horny. I mean, anything goes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, you'll bang a 55 year old librarian with one leg. It doesn't matter.

[B]

Has fumes ever stopped you in your tracks?

[A]

Well, there was one time. It didn't stop me in my tracks, but there was one time. I remember I had to immediately call you and told you the fumes are so bad I hit my head off my driver's side door when I took a whiff. Yeah, I told you that number when I told you I was turning the wheel and I hit it myself. A driving. Because I caught a blowing in the car and I was hitting, you know, I was fingering her and the fumes hit in a way that I almost knocked myself Unconscious down there, you know, in downtown Manhattan.

[B]

Did we just do two Patreon?

[A]

No, this isn't. No. I feel like this is. All the history here was great.

[B]

It was great history. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. This is. This is a good episode.

[B]

Yeah, this is.

[A]

I think this is a good episode. It's just.

[B]

It's good for you to know. It's very funny to know that this was something that took thousands and thousands of years to figure out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's unbelievable to think that we figured out how to build buildings, build temples. They built the goddamn pyramids, but they didn't figure out how to wipe their ass.

[A]

And here's the kicker of it at all. Even with all our advancements now, 500 years from now, they're gonna look back about how filthy and disgusting we are right now. So the point is, is nobody. You just get used to your surroundings. There's things that we're doing right now that the people think will be absolutely repulsive 500 years from now, but to us, it's normal.

[B]

Right?

[A]

That's. That's the beauty about history, is you never know that every second of your life, you're in it. You're living in history.

[B]

And also think about gay guys are real men.

[A]

100%.

[B]

I mean, because not only were they going to the cornhole back then, they were going into a muddy cornhole.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And they still did it.

[A]

Gays are the real heroes.

[B]

That lets you know they really wanted to do it. You cannot. You cannot molest the kid into that. No. That kid was born wanting that cornhole 100. Because, you know, would stop me if I was a gay kid. Yeah. Shit.

[A]

Yeah. But not. But not these. Not. The gays are the real heroes. They're the real ones just going into battle. Battle to battle an. On a daily basis. And it's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing. Now you're about to hear the Patreon names, the newest members of the matriarchy from our live show. We're going to give it to you because the live show was so much fun. And you can hear it at the $25 level. That's exclusive for 25 members. Patreon.com history hyenas. We've been having so much fun doing these live shows. And the favorite part, I think our favorite part of this live show is when we read the Patreon names to the live crowd. So if you don't know when you join our Patreon, which, by the way, everybody, every podcast has a Patreon, okay? And everybody's kind of, you know, bonus episodes, which we do. But what we feel our Patreon is different about our Patreon is that we really are completely like off the rails on the Patreon. And there's no, you know, there used to be like on the Internet. Used to be the place that people turn to because you wouldn't get silenced there and you wouldn't get that, you know, he's leaving. Sorry. And you. That's an emergency. Did. Yeah. How much milk and honey did you put in your body where, you know, you. The Internet used to be a place that doesn't get censored, but now it gets censored just like TV used to. But on Patreon we're not censored. So that's why we have fun. If you want to just. What do we say? Tune in and tune out.

[B]

Yeah, tune out. To tune in.

[A]

Tune out. To tune in.

[B]

I love how we're doing our Bernays ad pitch right now.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

These people, I think are all Patreon members.

[A]

Okay, well, just for you guys, not this. A lot of them, not this.

[B]

Kill Tony and a couple other cheap. If you're not on it, you're cheap.

[A]

Okay, so here we go. So I'm going to read out the newest members of the matriarchy. Some have made funny names, some have not. And of course, the winner will be decided here and it'll be the PPW Studio Penis of the Week. All right, so starting off the list, Chrissy Penis Pumper.

[B]

And here's the thing, we're going to let you. Obviously you guys are going to help us decide by your reaction.

[A]

KT Draw, stg Alex Vallejo, Anals of History. Jackson Driscoll, Potato Monkey Wiz, Prolifa. Okay. Anne Frank's Diary, AKA the Sexting Log.

[B]

Walk into one walk.

[A]

Top lick topic. Then we got Chrissy's dry cleaner. Your Mets jersey is ready for pickup.

[B]

On the left catapult. Catapult? Yeah, catapult. I mean, it's like you play for the Mets.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Then we got the Three Muzzle Tears. Then we got Ghisne. Maxwell is a heinous woman. I feel bad for whoever fucked her. Unrelatedly, Chrissy looks like a Bavarian train conductor.

[B]

Leslie takes steps onto the platform, please. Hands up, Mr. Jones. Germans should really not allow to. They shouldn't be allowed to be trained conductors.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Can you imagine getting on the MTA subway and they're like, next stop, Wall Street. Jews would be hearing like, next stops, Auschwitz, Poland.

[A]

We're clear of the Closing doors list or no? Huh? No list.

[B]

I think that's a borderline drex.

[A]

Okay. All right, so then we got. Cuz make no mistake, I'm gonna fail no glue November bad.

[B]

Wait.

[A]

Cause make no mistake, I'm gonna fail no glue November bad. Meaning he see, I think in November that guys for testicular awareness try not to jerk off.

[B]

Oh, but this kid's gonna fail it big. Yeah, big.

[A]

He's splurging in his belly button.

[B]

It's too inside. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah. Aiden Cartlidge. Chad Phillips. Matt Schadle. Kielbasi monkey with extra casing.

[B]

So is it Czechoslovakian kid?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that what is a Kielasi monkey? Like a check?

[A]

Polish Polish.

[B]

Polish.

[A]

Polish monkey with extra casing. Meaning the kid did not get clipped.

[B]

Yeah, he didn't get clicked.

[A]

Not get circumcised.

[B]

That's a chicken finger. No chicken finger. Yeah.

[A]

Antonio Dave Blunt's VO2 max max run. And we got six piece for my niece. That's disgusting. Kid bangs his niece, pulled a Gandhi poke.

[B]

A Gandhi.

[A]

He pulled a Gandhi, banged out his niece.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We call that pulling a Gandhi. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Slim H. Dan. Then we got narc. Mormon. Father Bill filled my basement with glue. Okay. Chrissy's trench foot. Then we got used a rib condom on Helen Keller and her pussy started speaking to me. Wow.

[B]

Wow. I mean, yeah. I mean, that's gonna be hard to beat. I mean, that is gonna be hard to be. What you gotta do, not only do you get the catapult out for that, you roll out the red carpet for that one.

[A]

Yeah. Kid did a. Kid did a braille joke.

[B]

He did a braille joke. That might be hall of famer. That's gonna be hard to beat. It's gonna be very hard to beat. I mean, that's an all timer right there.

[A]

All right. I mean, what do we do? Do? We just got to keep going. Keep going?

[B]

No, you never know. You never know.

[A]

Then we got Eric Schwarz, Matt Lopez. Then we got 6 million Frisbees and a funeral.

[B]

Don't want that one.

[A]

Sorry about that, sir.

[B]

That's right. Security, please escort this person out.

[A]

This guy's putting his arms up. Cheering.

[B]

I guess we found his Patreon name right there.

[A]

Carl Lindrigan. Princess Claire Leonardo Avo Kademi. Chrissy brings peace to the Middle East. Mr. If no means no, why is there a wiener in my ass?

[B]

Drexler. Drexler.

[A]

Tampa. Tony's Moon Cricket. David Green Creatine. Chrissy Tony Miranda Brittney Grinder. Check it. Finger.

[B]

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Drax.

[A]

Drexar. Who knew Frisbees weren't.

[B]

Hey, put that on now. Not good.

[A]

Not okay. Not okay.

[B]

Not okay. We do not. We cannot put that on the list. No, we do not support that type of humor. Dam Is it Creative T Warf.

[A]

Rob Christopher Chopper. Then we got. Took a blue Chew and it stayed Leroy length. Okay, good. I like it. Whitey. Zack Zimmer finger. Nazi buttholes. Okay. Robert Amnot one Bugman eats bug spray. James Trainor. Come hard all through Greek pasta tunnels. I don't know.

[B]

I don't even understand that one.

[A]

Covid leading you Sully's Peter Cowan. Nicholas Gresh. RM Hip Hippo. Hooray. Send them fumes this way. Kid just wants fumes.

[B]

I like the Drexler for that.

[A]

Jen Eshu J. Rhett, Aaron Delgado. MacGyver from Flyver. Carl Grass. Eboner69. King meddling. Then we got Eastern Hemi with the Leroy piece. Call me hung one this.

[B]

I mean, I think that's list worthy for sure.

[A]

The finger Nazi grand wizard wears Yeezys.

[B]

I mean, it's a borderline. Walked into one or is that the list? List what on the list?

[A]

The People Eagle First Vlad the Impaler. Me Daddy Chris. Chris tried to touch me. Not true.

[B]

Not true.

[A]

An allegation.

[B]

That is.

[A]

That is an allegation.

[B]

That's an allegation.

[A]

Allegation. My lawyers will speak to that.

[B]

He will be releasing a statement.

[A]

Jessica Andrew Gaffigan. I got clipped at the 2009 Toyota Thon. That's what it is.

[B]

Drexler Jackson.

[A]

Daddy William Jose Valez. Not a D1G but the hemorrhoids squeak for themselves. Oh, not a D1G but the hemorrhoid speak for themselves.

[B]

Victim of a bad read.

[A]

Black sex holocaust for well endowed mandingos.

[B]

I'm gonna put that on the list. I'm gonna put it on the list. All right. That's a good one. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Roger Castro. Salient Turtle. Tim Dillon's glue gun. Fumes after a Diddy party.

[B]

It's gotta be bad.

[A]

It's gotta really smell bad. Cory Barker, Eddie J. And then last but not least, we have Logan Jre isn't funny enough for history. Hyenas or ayg.

[B]

Yeah, okay, that's more of a so that.

[A]

So that's the list. Okay, so let me read them all out.

[B]

This is what you have?

[A]

This is what it is. Let me read them all out first.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Chrissy's dry cleaner. Your Mets jersey's ready for pickup. Drexler used a rib condom for Helen Keller and her started speaking to me.

[B]

That is. That is the clear favorite.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Yeah, that can stick around for a little bit.

[A]

Eastern hemming with a Leroy piece. Call me Hung long.

[B]

This is Any other day. Any other day.

[A]

And then black sex holocaust for well down Mandingos.

[B]

Good one. But I think we all know who the winner is.

[A]

Congratulations. Used a rip condom on Helen Keller and started speaking to me. You're the winner.

[B]

That is an all time hall of fame.

[A]

You are the winner. My friends, thank you so much.

[B]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Appreciate all the love and support. Thank you so much. We love you guys. Good night.

[B]

Thank you.