History Hyenas – The Myth of Thanksgiving

Podcast: History Hyenas
Hosts: Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas
Episode: The Myth of Thanksgiving
Date: November 27, 2025

Overview

In this high-energy Thanksgiving special, comedians Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas blend irreverent humor, personal stories, and some wild historical detours to explore the messy, often-misunderstood origins of Thanksgiving. While roasting themselves, their families, and each other, they dig into the myths and realities around America's most complicated holiday—from the story of Squanto and the actual events at Plymouth, to the misconceptions about smallpox blankets, and the modern chaos of family gatherings around the turkey. Expect plenty of laughs, tons of tangents, and a surprising amount of historical insight.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Thanksgiving Traditions: Food, Family, Football, and Dysfunction

[04:14 - 10:00]

• Chris and Yannis joke about their holiday plans and the characters at their family tables, poking fun at everything from eating habits ("Thanksgiving for me is a time that I give thanks… and with certain members of my family, a time where I have to be on Zoom calls from… Rikers Island." - Chris, 04:22) to the obligatory family fights and cultural disparities (Coquito traditions, and political divides between in-laws).
• Food is central to their banter—Greek lamb vs. classic turkey, handing out turkeys to the poor, eating off paper plates ("They're all gonna get smallpox. Yeah. They're all gonna…giving them blankets." - Chris, 10:04).
• Both mock the performative aspects of Thanksgiving charity and the sometimes questionable hygiene in communal or kid-cooked food.

2. Mixed Heritage & Cynical Family Portraits

[02:13 - 02:55; 17:14 - 19:20]

• The podcast’s in-house crew gets playful nicknames highlighting their backgrounds, leading to an extended riff on identity, Massapequa’s Native-sounding name, and the long-gone presence of actual Native people ("There's no more Native Americans in Massapequa because Republicans came in there and said, get the fuck out." - Chris, 02:33).
• Yannis jokes about the Greek-American family guest lists sounding like "a medical exam" or "names that sound like viruses" (18:43).
• Cultural clashes come up with marriage jokes, such as being labeled "the gay Democratic in-law" in a conservative spouse's family ("Because to one side of your wife’s family, your family is… being Democrat and being gay." - Chris, 19:38).

3. The Dark, Messy Truth Behind Thanksgiving: Miles Standish, Squanto, and Colonial Atrocities

[30:03 - 52:36]

• Chris introduces Miles Standish, a violent enforcer at Plymouth, describing him as an angry, short, red-haired "Joe Pesci of the British" who personally murdered Native Americans and displayed their heads as lawn decorations ("He used to… cut off Native American guys’ heads and put them on spikes outside his house." - Chris, 31:03; "Like Vlad the Impaler, but a squeak." - Yannis, 33:27).
• The guys remind listeners that the Thanksgiving myth is sanitized, glossing over deadly conflict and brutality.
• Yannis and Chris break down the smallpox blanket story, debunking the idea as largely a myth based on minimal historical evidence, insisting disease spread was more accidental and due to lack of immunity than intentional genocide ("The smallpox blanket is largely a myth." - Yannis, 35:07; "Smallpox could not even survive for that long on a blanket to infect someone." - Yannis, 38:22).
• They discuss how legends (and scapegoats) form—one "bad apple" can change history, with people following simple, often wrong explanations for complex events.

4. Squanto: A Complicated Founding Figure

[46:25 - 52:43]

• Chris tells the story of Squanto, kidnapped by Europeans, taken to Europe, escaped slavery, and returned to find his tribe destroyed. He became a key interpreter and mediator, teaching the Pilgrims how to survive and playing both sides to enhance his status ("He was one of the only persons alive on Earth in 1620 who spoke English, understood native diplomacy, and understood European intentions." - Chris, 46:41).
• Squanto is painted as a double agent—helpful to the Pilgrims, but suspected of betrayal by other Native Americans ("Here's the part that might make Nick go purring: Squanto was actually kind of a double agent, and he played both sides." - Chris, 50:45).
• Ultimately, they say there’s no Thanksgiving without Squanto, and the first feast was possible largely because of his mediation ("Squanto is the reason we have Thanksgiving. Without Squanto, there is no Thanksgiving." - Chris, 52:43).

5. Family, Gratitude, & Modern Absurdities

[21:05 - 24:02; 56:21 - 61:21]

• Both hosts dig into what they're grateful for, with Chris and Yannis each listing deep (and often hilarious) gratitudes—from "the program" and "family health and happiness," to "cold beer," "the Knicks," immigrant food, and "Manifest Destiny."
• Family stories include tales of relatives with disabilities, odd eating habits, and the relentless tease of being surrounded by characters—"nobody spends Thanksgiving at a bar unless they're a divorced dad" (28:34).
• They make a point to thank their fans, especially those who subscribe and support their work—a sendup of Patreon culture and the freelance gig economy.

6. Thanksgiving in the Modern Era: Absurdities, Warnings, and Odes to Excess

[29:10 - 62:12]

• As always, the boys riff on personal quirks—Chris adopts a new family puppy, admits his "obsession" is shifting from his kids to the dog, and details how he bakes peanut butter pumpkin ice cream sandwiches with music and wine ("You're baking like a lady." - Yannis, 12:51).
• They warn listeners—especially their own, mostly male, perhaps "horned up by turkey" audience—not to "have sex with the turkey," in a deadpan bit ("Don't be a human baster out there… If you get horned up by the turkey, go into the guest bathroom… don't ruin it for everyone else." - Chris, 17:29).
• Ongoing jokes about wrestling, Snap benefits, and the free vs. paid tiers of podcast fans ("The people I'm not thankful for are the free members who just join and just sit there and look at all the lockdown." - Yannis, 59:27).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the sad reality for Native Americans:

  • "There's no more Native Americans in Massapequa because Republicans came in there and said, get the fuck out." – Chris, [02:33]

• Thanksgiving Dysfunction:

  • “Thanksgiving for me is a time that I give thanks… and with certain members of my family, a time where I have to be on Zoom calls from… Rikers Island.” – Chris, [04:22]

• On Miles Standish:

  • "He used to… cut off Native American guys’ heads and put them on spikes outside his house." – Chris, [31:03]
  • "He was like the Joe Pesci of the British." – Yannis, [31:48]

• On the Smallpox Blanket Myth:

  • "The smallpox blanket is largely a myth.” – Yannis, [35:07]
  • “Smallpox could not even survive for that long on a blanket to infect someone.” – Yannis, [38:22]

• Cultural Satire:

  • "If there's two things that don't go together, it's silence in the Puerto Rican community." – Yannis, [13:23]

• Squanto’s Role:

  • "He was one of the only persons alive on Earth in 1620 who spoke English, understood native diplomacy, and understood European intentions." – Chris, [46:41]
  • "Squanto is the reason we have Thanksgiving. Without Squanto, there is no Thanksgiving." – Chris, [52:40]

• On Simple Explanations:

  • "People just like easy explanations, whether they're true or not." – Yannis, [38:08]

• Absurdity and Modern Warnings:

  • "Don’t be a human baster out there… If you get horned up by the turkey, go into the guest bathroom… don't ruin it for everyone else." – Chris, [17:29]

Segment Timestamps

• [02:33] – Massapequa, Native Americans & the Republican riff
• [04:14] – Thanksgiving food and family dysfunction
• [10:04] – Jokes about paper plates, smallpox, and family chaos
• [17:14] – Ethnic holiday guest lists & MAGA family politics
• [19:20] – Marrying into conservative families
• [21:05] – What the hosts are thankful for
• [29:10] – Big Guy’s Thanksgiving Dinner (NYC blue-collar traditions)
• [30:03] – Miles Standish and the first Thanksgiving’s violence
• [35:07] – Debunking the smallpox blanket myth
• [38:22] – How disease really spread
• [46:25] – The real story of Squanto
• [50:45] – Squanto as double agent and Thanksgiving peacemaker
• [52:43] – Squanto as Thanksgiving’s founding figure
• [56:21] – Hosts reflect on gratitude and modern Thanksgiving absurdities
• [60:01] – Thanksgiving odes to New York, food, and immigrant culture
• [62:18] – End of show—thank-yous and love to the fans

Tone & Style

The episode is fast-paced, unscripted, and wildly comedic. Chris and Yannis riff off each other, their families, and history itself with a combination of brash honesty, streetwise mockery, and genuine affection for their roots. They blend the chaos of New York family life with brutal truths about American history and the strange rituals of Thanksgiving, always with tongue firmly in cheek and plenty of classic bits.

For New Listeners

Expect no solemn history lesson here—this is a raucous, candid, and frequently politically incorrect celebration of Thanksgiving’s weirdness. You’ll get a mix of actual historical facts—debunked and reframed—the boys’ homegrown anthropology on family, food, and culture, and an unfiltered, heartfelt gratitude for both their “cuzmunity” and the misfits who made Thanksgiving possible (Squanto, this one’s for you).