History Hyenas: "The New Crusades: Will the Muslims Win the Title?"

Podcast: History Hyenas with Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas
Date: October 9, 2025

Episode Overview

In this characteristically wild and irreverent episode, comedians Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas use their signature blend of history and humor to tackle the Crusades, zeroing in on the legendary figure Richard the Lionheart and the perennial East vs. West religious slugfest between Christianity and Islam. Framing the Crusades as "the Yankees vs. the Red Sox of history," the hosts riff on what the historic battles meant then—and now—while making sweeping, outrageous analogies (sports teams, mafia taxes, contemporary comedians in Saudi Arabia, and more). Equal parts absurd and insightful, the show careens between actual history, comedic tangents, and big-picture meditations on culture, faith, and the never-ending human dance of conflict and alliance.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Sports Metaphors & the Crusades

Timestamps: 02:23–04:48

• Chris and Yannis immediately compare the Crusades to a high-stakes sports rivalry: Christians (Yankees) vs. Muslims (Red Sox).
• The "teams" analogy continues, with discussions about Christian "recruitment failures" by not bringing "the blacks" into Christianity, while Islam is "winning" due to its diversity and recruiting skills.
• Quote:
  "There came a point once Islam formed a team... it's like the Yankees, the Christians, they came out strong once Constantine was like, we're the Yankees. That became the evil empire. They had all the money. And then there was a scrappy band of Sandra D's out there in the desert..." — Chris, 03:12

2. Revisiting Crusade History—Not Just Black and White

Timestamps: 08:12–14:35

• The hosts push back against the "whitewashed" version of Crusades history, pointing out both Christians and Muslims were aggressors and victims.
• Discussion of the often-overlooked fact that the Crusades began in response to centuries of Muslim expansion into previously Christian territories.
• Both sides perpetrated violence against Jews, with both taking and trading slaves, but with the hosts singling out the Arab empires and Ottomans as “the GOATs of slavery.”
• Quote:
  "The Muslims also slaughtered Jews and took more slaves. Actually two to one slaves more than any Christian ever did. So that is the problema with the argument..." — Chris, 14:02

3. The Mafia Tax: Jizya and Religious Tolerance

Timestamps: 18:00–22:24

• Yannis explains the jizya—a tax imposed by Muslim authorities on non-Muslims as protection, likening it to a mafia protection racket.
• This system let non-Muslims keep their faiths, but denied them key rights; they could never bring charges against Muslims, for example.
• Quote: "It was basically like the Mafia tax. You pay us, we'll protect you to a certain extent, but you cannot bring a charge against the made guy. Yeah, the Muslims were made, and everyone else was not made." — Yannis, 21:13

4. Cultural Commentary: Comedy Abroad, Outrage, and Western Hypocrisy

Timestamps: 09:20–11:54; 34:03–36:20

• The hosts riff about American comedians doing gigs in Saudi Arabia and what it says about free speech and selective outrage.
• They jest about how outrage in Western entertainment is often inconsistent, noting the lack of protest against U.S. performers in authoritarian countries other than Saudi Arabia.
• They highlight hypocrisy around money and free speech—especially concerning China, LeBron James, and U.S. corporations.
• Quote:
  "Don't forget about all the Chinese money that Americans take, right? ... Gap employs slave labor. Okay? He needs to say, watch what he says based on that. Do you not think that there's a list of things you cannot say when you're on late night television? Because let me tell you, free speech doesn't exist when you're on late night television." — Yannis, 34:03

5. Richard the Lionheart & Saladin: Men, Myths, and Movies

Timestamps: 15:32–18:39; 44:05–53:28

• The episode spotlights Richard the Lionheart: his role as a Crusade leader, his probable bisexuality, the legends around him, and his rivalry with Saladin.
• Both hosts praise the movie "Kingdom of Heaven" as a jumping-off point, though they stress historical nuance is needed.
• They discuss the personal and cultural impact of rulers—Saladin, praised by both Christian and Muslim sources, and King Baldwin IV, depicted as tragically noble.
• Mutual respect between Richard and Saladin is explored, with Yannis noting, "game respect game."
• Quote:
  "Saladin was the man... even his Christian enemies wrote that he was a great leader. But that's how you know—if even your enemies are saying, 'No, this guy was a good guy.' ... King Baldwin... also didn't want any more bloodshed. And he wanted people to just kind of coexist within the walls... and be taxed." — Chris, 15:31

6. Empire, Unification, and the Sunni–Shia Divide

Timestamps: 28:16–31:42

• The show detours into the differences between Sunni and Shia Islam and faux-puzzled reactions about their relevance to the Crusades, comparing it to petty ethnic rivalries in New York taxis.
• They joke that non-Muslims (or non-Jews) are lucky to "just not be involved" in the centuries-old religious conflict.
• Quote:
  "If you're not Muslim or you're not Jewish, isn't this a good time to be that?... Take a deep breath in and go, thank God. I'm not involved." — Yannis, 37:54

7. The Cyclical Nature of Religious Conflict—and the Dance of Life

Timestamps: 36:52–42:28; 55:05–57:34

• Chris reflects on how Crusader-era wars were about literal territory and fighting, while modern battles are more ideological (but also heating up again).
• The hosts urge listeners to not take cultural or religious identity too seriously, pointing out it's all a product of conquest, adaptation, and randomness.
• Michael Pollan's quote is invoked:
  "Nature is busy creating absolutely unique individuals, whereas culture has invented a single mold to which we all must conform. It is grotesque." — Yannis, 39:48
• Ultimately, the best advice:
  "Life is a dance. It's supposed to be lived. Go dance, baby. Just go dance." — Chris, 41:53

8. Winners, Losers, and the Irony of the Crusades

Timestamps: 54:02–55:58

• The Muslims "won" the Crusades territorially, and still control places like Istanbul (formerly Constantinople), but the Crusader experience brought back knowledge that ultimately kickstarted the European Renaissance.
• Both sides gained and lost, mirroring the wider message of the show: history is messy and "everything's Chinese beige."
• Quote:
  "The Crusades were very, very—probably the most important wars of all of Western culture, because without the Crusades, ... you would have no Renaissance, you would have no poetry, you would have no Enlightenment Age. ... It's messy, everyone's bad and good." — Chris, 55:14

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Mafia Nature of Jizya:
  "It's basically the Mafia. Now how quickly do you think... Trumpy Bear hears this episode and starts making people pay an American tax?" — Chris, 21:46

• On Outrage and Hypocrisy:
  "Why are we cherry-picking outrage? What about LeBron James and the NBA taking all that [Chinese] money?... What about the comedians that perform in China?... What about what they're doing to the Uyghur Muslims? That's a genocide. Why are we not yelling about that?" — Yannis, 34:03

• On the Luck of Outsider Status:
  "Take a deep breath in and go, thank God. I'm not involved... Have at it. Do what you gotta do. Just do what you do best—that is, fight each other." — Yannis, 38:05

• On Culture and Appropriation:
  "Whatever your culture is today... was probably raped or just beaten into your great great grandmother and grandfathers by whatever conquerors conquered them... And it's all been lost, because none of us have the time to do the research and find out what's true is true. So this is why culture... doesn't make any sense." — Chris, 41:18

• On the Endgame of Unity:
  "We need another [religion] that unites all of them. And of course the Jews won't convert but everyone else... Then it's just like one world and Jews." — Yannis, 57:06

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Topic/Segment | |---------------|------------------------------------------------| | 02:23 | Crusades as Sports: Christians vs. Muslims | | 08:04 | Both Sides: Crusades' Messy Motivations | | 14:21 | The "GOAT" of Slavery: Arab and Ottoman Empires| | 18:00 | Jizya / Mafia Tax and Tolerance | | 28:16 | Sunni vs. Shia Explanation | | 34:03 | Selective Outrage: US, China, Comedy | | 44:05 | Richard the Lionheart: History/Myth | | 47:04 | Richard vs. Saladin: Respect among Enemies | | 54:02 | Who Really Won the Crusades? | | 55:14 | Crusades and the Rise of the West | | 57:06 | The Next Religion? Unity and the Future |

Tone & Style Notes

• Tone: Profane, rapid-fire, irreverent, self-aware.
• Delivery: Comedic banter, often morphing into sidebar discussions and layered with topical references.
• Perspective: The hosts push listeners to see history as complex, shades of gray—not clean hero/villain stories. They punctuate lessons with jokes and breakdowns into pop culture, sports, and modern politics.

Final Takeaways

• The Crusades were not a simple case of good vs. evil; both sides practiced violence, slavery, and forced conversions. The war was as much about reclaiming land as it was about faith.
• Despite old narratives, the Crusades arguably benefitted both the Muslim and Christian worlds—Muslims retained territory, while Christians returned with Eastern knowledge that catalyzed the Renaissance.
• Modern religious, political, and cultural battles resemble history's recurring patterns. Outrage and allegiances, the comedians argue, are often hypocritical or arbitrary.
• The show’s ultimate advice: don’t get too wrapped up in tribalism or cultural identity—live, dance, and try to find your own way, because history rarely delivers clean winners or moral clarity.

"Life is a dance. Go dance, baby. Just go dance."
— Chris, 41:53