The New Crusades: Will the Muslims Win the Title? | History Hyenas

Summary

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History Hyenas: "The New Crusades: Will the Muslims Win the Title?"

Podcast: History Hyenas with Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas
Date: October 9, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this characteristically wild and irreverent episode, comedians Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas use their signature blend of history and humor to tackle the Crusades, zeroing in on the legendary figure Richard the Lionheart and the perennial East vs. West religious slugfest between Christianity and Islam. Framing the Crusades as "the Yankees vs. the Red Sox of history," the hosts riff on what the historic battles meant then—and now—while making sweeping, outrageous analogies (sports teams, mafia taxes, contemporary comedians in Saudi Arabia, and more). Equal parts absurd and insightful, the show careens between actual history, comedic tangents, and big-picture meditations on culture, faith, and the never-ending human dance of conflict and alliance.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Sports Metaphors & the Crusades

Timestamps: 02:23–04:48

• Chris and Yannis immediately compare the Crusades to a high-stakes sports rivalry: Christians (Yankees) vs. Muslims (Red Sox).
• The "teams" analogy continues, with discussions about Christian "recruitment failures" by not bringing "the blacks" into Christianity, while Islam is "winning" due to its diversity and recruiting skills.
• Quote:
  "There came a point once Islam formed a team... it's like the Yankees, the Christians, they came out strong once Constantine was like, we're the Yankees. That became the evil empire. They had all the money. And then there was a scrappy band of Sandra D's out there in the desert..." — Chris, 03:12

2. Revisiting Crusade History—Not Just Black and White

Timestamps: 08:12–14:35

• The hosts push back against the "whitewashed" version of Crusades history, pointing out both Christians and Muslims were aggressors and victims.
• Discussion of the often-overlooked fact that the Crusades began in response to centuries of Muslim expansion into previously Christian territories.
• Both sides perpetrated violence against Jews, with both taking and trading slaves, but with the hosts singling out the Arab empires and Ottomans as “the GOATs of slavery.”
• Quote:
  "The Muslims also slaughtered Jews and took more slaves. Actually two to one slaves more than any Christian ever did. So that is the problema with the argument..." — Chris, 14:02

3. The Mafia Tax: Jizya and Religious Tolerance

Timestamps: 18:00–22:24

• Yannis explains the jizya—a tax imposed by Muslim authorities on non-Muslims as protection, likening it to a mafia protection racket.
• This system let non-Muslims keep their faiths, but denied them key rights; they could never bring charges against Muslims, for example.
• Quote: "It was basically like the Mafia tax. You pay us, we'll protect you to a certain extent, but you cannot bring a charge against the made guy. Yeah, the Muslims were made, and everyone else was not made." — Yannis, 21:13

4. Cultural Commentary: Comedy Abroad, Outrage, and Western Hypocrisy

Timestamps: 09:20–11:54; 34:03–36:20

• The hosts riff about American comedians doing gigs in Saudi Arabia and what it says about free speech and selective outrage.
• They jest about how outrage in Western entertainment is often inconsistent, noting the lack of protest against U.S. performers in authoritarian countries other than Saudi Arabia.
• They highlight hypocrisy around money and free speech—especially concerning China, LeBron James, and U.S. corporations.
• Quote:
  "Don't forget about all the Chinese money that Americans take, right? ... Gap employs slave labor. Okay? He needs to say, watch what he says based on that. Do you not think that there's a list of things you cannot say when you're on late night television? Because let me tell you, free speech doesn't exist when you're on late night television." — Yannis, 34:03

5. Richard the Lionheart & Saladin: Men, Myths, and Movies

Timestamps: 15:32–18:39; 44:05–53:28

• The episode spotlights Richard the Lionheart: his role as a Crusade leader, his probable bisexuality, the legends around him, and his rivalry with Saladin.
• Both hosts praise the movie "Kingdom of Heaven" as a jumping-off point, though they stress historical nuance is needed.
• They discuss the personal and cultural impact of rulers—Saladin, praised by both Christian and Muslim sources, and King Baldwin IV, depicted as tragically noble.
• Mutual respect between Richard and Saladin is explored, with Yannis noting, "game respect game."
• Quote:
  "Saladin was the man... even his Christian enemies wrote that he was a great leader. But that's how you know—if even your enemies are saying, 'No, this guy was a good guy.' ... King Baldwin... also didn't want any more bloodshed. And he wanted people to just kind of coexist within the walls... and be taxed." — Chris, 15:31

6. Empire, Unification, and the Sunni–Shia Divide

Timestamps: 28:16–31:42

• The show detours into the differences between Sunni and Shia Islam and faux-puzzled reactions about their relevance to the Crusades, comparing it to petty ethnic rivalries in New York taxis.
• They joke that non-Muslims (or non-Jews) are lucky to "just not be involved" in the centuries-old religious conflict.
• Quote:
  "If you're not Muslim or you're not Jewish, isn't this a good time to be that?... Take a deep breath in and go, thank God. I'm not involved." — Yannis, 37:54

7. The Cyclical Nature of Religious Conflict—and the Dance of Life

Timestamps: 36:52–42:28; 55:05–57:34

• Chris reflects on how Crusader-era wars were about literal territory and fighting, while modern battles are more ideological (but also heating up again).
• The hosts urge listeners to not take cultural or religious identity too seriously, pointing out it's all a product of conquest, adaptation, and randomness.
• Michael Pollan's quote is invoked:
  "Nature is busy creating absolutely unique individuals, whereas culture has invented a single mold to which we all must conform. It is grotesque." — Yannis, 39:48
• Ultimately, the best advice:
  "Life is a dance. It's supposed to be lived. Go dance, baby. Just go dance." — Chris, 41:53

8. Winners, Losers, and the Irony of the Crusades

Timestamps: 54:02–55:58

• The Muslims "won" the Crusades territorially, and still control places like Istanbul (formerly Constantinople), but the Crusader experience brought back knowledge that ultimately kickstarted the European Renaissance.
• Both sides gained and lost, mirroring the wider message of the show: history is messy and "everything's Chinese beige."
• Quote:
  "The Crusades were very, very—probably the most important wars of all of Western culture, because without the Crusades, ... you would have no Renaissance, you would have no poetry, you would have no Enlightenment Age. ... It's messy, everyone's bad and good." — Chris, 55:14

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Mafia Nature of Jizya:
  "It's basically the Mafia. Now how quickly do you think... Trumpy Bear hears this episode and starts making people pay an American tax?" — Chris, 21:46

• On Outrage and Hypocrisy:
  "Why are we cherry-picking outrage? What about LeBron James and the NBA taking all that [Chinese] money?... What about the comedians that perform in China?... What about what they're doing to the Uyghur Muslims? That's a genocide. Why are we not yelling about that?" — Yannis, 34:03

• On the Luck of Outsider Status:
  "Take a deep breath in and go, thank God. I'm not involved... Have at it. Do what you gotta do. Just do what you do best—that is, fight each other." — Yannis, 38:05

• On Culture and Appropriation:
  "Whatever your culture is today... was probably raped or just beaten into your great great grandmother and grandfathers by whatever conquerors conquered them... And it's all been lost, because none of us have the time to do the research and find out what's true is true. So this is why culture... doesn't make any sense." — Chris, 41:18

• On the Endgame of Unity:
  "We need another [religion] that unites all of them. And of course the Jews won't convert but everyone else... Then it's just like one world and Jews." — Yannis, 57:06

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Topic/Segment | |---------------|------------------------------------------------| | 02:23 | Crusades as Sports: Christians vs. Muslims | | 08:04 | Both Sides: Crusades' Messy Motivations | | 14:21 | The "GOAT" of Slavery: Arab and Ottoman Empires| | 18:00 | Jizya / Mafia Tax and Tolerance | | 28:16 | Sunni vs. Shia Explanation | | 34:03 | Selective Outrage: US, China, Comedy | | 44:05 | Richard the Lionheart: History/Myth | | 47:04 | Richard vs. Saladin: Respect among Enemies | | 54:02 | Who Really Won the Crusades? | | 55:14 | Crusades and the Rise of the West | | 57:06 | The Next Religion? Unity and the Future |

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Tone & Style Notes

• Tone: Profane, rapid-fire, irreverent, self-aware.
• Delivery: Comedic banter, often morphing into sidebar discussions and layered with topical references.
• Perspective: The hosts push listeners to see history as complex, shades of gray—not clean hero/villain stories. They punctuate lessons with jokes and breakdowns into pop culture, sports, and modern politics.

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Final Takeaways

• The Crusades were not a simple case of good vs. evil; both sides practiced violence, slavery, and forced conversions. The war was as much about reclaiming land as it was about faith.
• Despite old narratives, the Crusades arguably benefitted both the Muslim and Christian worlds—Muslims retained territory, while Christians returned with Eastern knowledge that catalyzed the Renaissance.
• Modern religious, political, and cultural battles resemble history's recurring patterns. Outrage and allegiances, the comedians argue, are often hypocritical or arbitrary.
• The show’s ultimate advice: don’t get too wrapped up in tribalism or cultural identity—live, dance, and try to find your own way, because history rarely delivers clean winners or moral clarity.

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"Life is a dance. Go dance, baby. Just go dance."
— Chris, 41:53

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Transcript

[A]

What's up, everybody? Before we get started, we got a great episode about Richard the Liarheart and the Crusades. It's a wild one. You can catch me live in Toronto at the Royal Theater, October 18th. Then you can catch me in Tulsa, October 24th and 25th. And Bozeman, Montana and Stanford. And then Bakersfield, California.

[B]

Yes, honey, it's going to be a fun little Crusade episode. We talk a lot about who the good guys are and who the bad guys are. And the answer is, you'll have to find out. You could come see me in Boston this weekend, October 9th, 10th and 11th. I'm at the Wilbur, the Chevalier and the Wilbur again. And then October. In the third week of October, I am in Richmond, Virginia and Atlanta, Georgia. It's going to be very fun. Christy, comedy.com or history on his is back.com for all your tiki wikis. So buckle up, it's going to be good. And you tell us who won and.

[A]

Who lost, because real quick, Richmond, Virginia. Should I just come with you? Because that is a cute history city.

[B]

Just come with me.

[A]

When is it?

[B]

It's. I'm going to tell you right now. I think it is the week. It's October, I think, like 18th or something like that. I'm going to tell you right now, honey, girl, wait a second. Do you want to come with me to Richmond, Virginia? It is October 23rd and 24th. 23rd. I'm in Atlanta. October 24th, I'm in Richmond.

[A]

I'm in Tulsa. And here's what I'm doing. Shows in Tulsa.

[B]

Just cancel the shows in Tulsa then.

[A]

Yeah, because I, you know.

[B]

Because you did that at Magoobies.

[A]

I know I did it. And we should be doing history tours. Yes. Because Richmond is a cute fucking history town.

[B]

Yeah, cute town. And Atlanta is also another state capitol. I already have a picture in front of the state capitol in Richmond, but I'm going to get a picture in front of the state capitol in Atlanta.

[A]

Atlanta makes me want to get jungle fever. Yeah.

[B]

I'm playing at the Tabernacle. It's beautiful theater.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And I love black women. What's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. We got a good one for you today. I'm Chris Stephano, AKA Chrissy the Crusader. With me as always, Giannis Papas, AKA Yanni the Saracen. Yanni's a little Arab.

[A]

Yeah, Yanni's got 1% Arab. Today we're going to be talking to you about the nine inning game. Different uniforms, different teams. The Christians Versus the Muslims.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

In the finals. Um, we've done this episode before, but now we're going to focus in on a cute kid named Richard Lionheart, who was a cute kid who was a.

[B]

Cute kid who was also allegedly bisexual. And so we're gonna get into the nitty gritty of it all. And it's fun. And the only thing I'll say is I'll just give you. You know, I'll just start the episode by saying this is that Islam is attacking again. And they're attacking again psychologically. And if you don't get your ass back to church, then Islam will take over like the Surgeon Turks did in the Middle Ages.

[A]

This is through Yankees, Red Sox of geopolitical warfare in history. There came a point once Islam formed a team, Right. Yeah. It's like the Yankees, the Christians, you know, they came out strong once. Constantine was like, we're the Yankees. That became the evil empire. They had all the money. They had to get the church. They were dominating. And then there was a scrappy. A scrappy band of Sandra D's out there in the desert someplace. You've been, by the way.

[B]

Yeah, some place I've been recently, so.

[A]

And there was a scrappy band of them. They were like the Red Sox. You could wear facial hair.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, you could go to leather bars like Alomar.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There was less rules. You didn't have to shave your face. You could have your name on your jersey. And they started forming and they got really good. And then they started running the tables, which is basically what the Red Sox have been doing since this was the first time the Yankees beat the Red Sox in the playoffs since, like, 2004. Did you know that?

[B]

Yeah. And now they're getting smacked by the Blue Jays.

[A]

They're getting smacked by the Canadians.

[B]

So here we go. And listen, like anything else, because the Crusades, as we'll break it down, is much like a sport. It is sports. It is just sports history. The Crusade wars were sports. And it's like anywhere else, who is the best at sports and who did Islam go out and recruit? The blacks. That's why we're losing big. The Catholics are losing big because the Islams have the blacks and we did not get the blacks. They're better at sports than us.

[A]

So if they had.

[B]

If they had the blacks, we only have one white, and her name is Michelle Wolf, and unfortunately, I love her.

[A]

But Vinny Pass, the. The underground rapper at Vinny Pass.

[B]

So we got a white kid from Philly. Yeah. And we're Muslim. Hey. And we got Jihadi John. Yeah. And that's about it. And now we don't have. And so we need to get more black people in Christianity and I want to get the blacks.

[A]

Right, right, right.

[B]

In Catholicism, I think we got. We got. We definitely got a couple.

[A]

But Right, right. They got Mo Amir.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They have Hasan Minaj.

[B]

They got a lot.

[A]

We almost lost him though. We almost lost him to baby powder in an envelope way song Sheen. But here he's safe and that's all.

[B]

Well, let me ask you this. In the great crusade, who would the Hindus fight with? Because if we could get the Hindus. That's big.

[A]

Yeah, we need the Hindus.

[B]

Yeah, big. Who can we get that? Can we get the Hindus? Well, will they go with Islam?

[A]

No, they will not go with Islam.

[B]

So that we got a chance to get it. Yeah.

[A]

No, that's the only hope we have if the next crusade happens is the Hindus and Chinese.

[B]

And we do. Here's the Chinese.

[A]

Chinese. They're not a fan either.

[B]

They're.

[A]

I would say they're probably the number one anti fan.

[B]

Aren't they more Christian? Who? The Chinese. Aren't they. Aren't those. Those churches that they have, aren't those more in line with Christianity than. No, because.

[A]

No, because they don't. They don't have souls. They're human robots.

[B]

That's what it is.

[A]

They don't go by any religion. But you know, war makes for strange bedfellows.

[B]

It's just what it is.

[A]

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. So sometimes you got to side with the atheist. Communist, Chinese.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

The elephant. Multi arm love and Hindu. Right. Sandra's right. And you got to gather up whatever Catholics you can from South America and Africa.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Everywhere else. Lutheran, Protestant, Catholic. And we got to go back in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we got to do our thing because look, I'm ready for a little excitement.

[B]

It's just what it is.

[A]

Let's get back. Yeah, let's get back.

[B]

It's time.

[A]

Okay. It's called Constantinople. Yeah, that's the name. You could try to call it Istanbul all you want, but it's con stantinople. This is definitely going to be demonetized.

[B]

Yeah, it's just what it is.

[A]

But we're already kidding.

[B]

But we're already in it. Because what we have to do, remember this, my friend, we have to resist less. Okay? You must resist less and just keep going forward and be happy with who you are. Because anytime you're striving to be something else and you're trying to get your goals and you are rejecting the idea of you, your one true self. And, and that is the only self that you need to love. The present is enormous. The future is small. Okay, my friends, yes. So you must, you must be at peace. And remember that any spark of anger within you is. That is just. That is within you. Some, the person who cut you off, you are not angry at them. You are angry at yourself for some other reason. Remember, I want you, next time you feel anger, I want you to pause, I want you to take a deep breath in, count to five and say, can I get this out of me? Do I have to deal with this? And the answer always, almost always is no. And the answer almost always is the reason why you're anger is because you are resisting something. So, my friends, I say resist nothing except Islam.

[A]

I was about to say there's one caveat. There's no exception without a rule. Resist nothing. Unless you look up at the mountaintop, at the horizon and you see just a bunch dudes in bed sheets yelling Allah Akbar. Yeah. Then go get your hoe, go get your rake. Get ready to protect your women and children because they will be taken into a concubine age.

[B]

It's just one what it is.

[A]

Yeah. You don't have to waste your. I mean, that's kind of what happened.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, look, here's the truth. We're talking about the Crusades, obviously now. It's a message.

[A]

We lost big.

[B]

We lost big.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But a lot of people, you know, when I was doing my research on the Crusades, you know, I was taught. Because here's the thing in history, right? Is it all gets whitewashed, right? Everybody's doing whitewashing, sports washing, entertainment washing, whatever, you know, whatever any comedian on Twitter has been saying the last week or whatever, whatever washing they want to call. I've been washing my clothes. I laugh at it all. I have a good time.

[A]

Yeah. It's just, there's a lot of washing. There's a lot.

[B]

Everybody's getting washed.

[A]

Washing.

[B]

There's money washing.

[A]

What it is when, when, when the musicians go. It's, it's guitar washing, It's R B washing.

[B]

Wash it all. You wash it all. I love I, I, yeah, it's washy.

[A]

You gotta wash it.

[B]

It's just, it's just what it is.

[A]

Which is ironic because back then the Christians are the ones that needed to take a bath and Baghdad and yeah, the Muslim world was squeaky clean.

[B]

Squeaky cleat. Yeah.

[A]

And I just like My failed bonus series.

[B]

Yeah, Squeaky cleat. It's just, and it's just funny. It's just funny because I saw something like some tweet or whatever the other day about, you know, the Saudi Arabia comedy festival thing. And somebody's like, I hope Kevin Hart knows what he did. And then the thing is, what I encourage you to do is get on a flight from New York to Dubai and Qatar Airways and watch the safety information video. It's Kevin Hart doing the safety information of Qatar Airways. So I don't think he really cares. No, I don't think Kevin cares and I love him for that.

[A]

It's really funny because Fluffy posted. Fluffy posted. First of all, two things were funny to me. Fluffy posted a photo like there's nothing going on because he just lives in another world. He's like, he's like, he's not part of like the, he's not part of like the, you know, the liberal comedian.

[B]

Self righteous or the Rogan sphere.

[A]

Yeah, he's not in it. He's just this massive star who's like mostly Mexican fans and like global fans.

[B]

And the Mexicans don't care at all.

[A]

Well, they don't even know what's going on. They don't know David Cross is, I don't know.

[B]

Mark Barrett is. Yeah, they couldn't care less.

[A]

It's all working class.

[B]

It's like liberal, elitist, wealthy white guys talking to each other.

[A]

What I said, it's like the irony is, is, is I'm just saying a fact. Right? Like Fluffy's fans are the working class kind of.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Immigrants, kids or immigrants mostly, you know, are Mexican immigrants. And the people who, a lot of these people on the other side who are yelling, those are the people they're yelling on behalf of a lot of the times. And they don't even know who they are.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I mean, Mexican Americans have no idea who Mark Merritt is.

[B]

Now.

[A]

He doesn't perform in those neighborhoods. They don't go to those shows. No, but everything that he'll say his politics are about is for those people. But they have no idea who is go to Fluffy concerts and they work their ass.

[B]

If Marin took off his glasses with the mustache and the long hair, he would look like they're abuela. That's who they think it is. They think that's somebody's abuelita from Mexico.

[A]

So Fluffy posted this picture goes, I've been coming to Saudi Arabia for years. He goes, I love these fans. He's in arena. He's like, I get so much love in Saudi Arabia. That's why I've been coming here for years. I'm like, where were you guys? Why weren't you yelling at Fluffy? Yeah, why were you yelling at Fluffy? And let me just say this. It's funny also to watch how disconnected Dave Chappelle when you get rich and famous.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, he goes, listen, Dave Chappelle goes. Because on the other side, it's like, listen, you know, I can't say things I want in America. I'm more free to say the things I can't over there. It's like, dave, Dave, Dave, I think you've been living in Ohio with your bag of money a little too long. Yeah, I'm not sure if that's the case.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's like, they say you can't. They say you can't talk about Charlie Kirk. You'll get canceled. It was even the American perspective, like, ooh, canceled. You're going to get canceled. People are going to get mad at you. They're going to tweet stuff.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Because you know what they do in Saudi Arabia? You let you see those hands. You don't have hands anymore.

[B]

Yeah, it's a little different. Yeah.

[A]

So that was funny to see, too, but also was very funny was to see.

[B]

Yeah, for me, they were going to cut my hands off, but they saw that I already chewed them off of just biting my nails, bleeding from my cuticle, so they didn't care.

[A]

The funny thing also is Cipher posted. He was like, yo, fuck, get your hands out of my money. Get your hands out of my pocket. I was like, nobody cared.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He was like, who's that? When you were there? I don't even know what you're talking about. The only people that are following this account are people who read the Source.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

I'm just kidding. Yeah, it was a fun time.

[B]

But going over there to Saudi Arabia, you know, I went. Got me thinking about the Crusades. It got me thinking about, you know, whose land is it? And so I was always taught in school that the Crusades kind of. You know what I was saying? It gets whitewashed through history, like, it's such a bad thing. The Crusades, we were so, you know, Christians. We were, you know, bloodthirsty. We killed these poor Muslims. And of course, there's truth in some of that. But the also bigger truth is that it's very messy and gray, that it wasn't a war. The Crusades happened because we Christians wanted to get the lands back from The Muslims, because the Muslims were doing this expansion and they took over all these lands that were once Christian lands, like once our holy lands. And they just took it because I didn't realize because for like a few hundred years in Europe, when, before Europe, before like 1066, when William the Conqueror basically started uniting, everything started to get like united like the UK and England and Europe, you know, dude, they had no. But nobody read for like two, 300 years. They were all, they were living in like one room huts, like barbaric. In, in these years when Muslim expansion came and just took all these lands. They were fighting armies that like with sticks basically. And the Muslims had these great armies and were so well educated and hygienic where the Europeans had nothing. And it wasn't, it was like years and years and years, hundreds of years of Christians living in Europe just kind of being like what the hell did we do? We lost everything. Did they finally start to unite little by little and then finally say, okay, now we're going on a crusade to go get our, to go get the land back from the Muslims. It wasn't, it wasn't for no reason. I was always taught, I thought that they were just doing it because they wanted to convert everyone to Christianity. But it wasn't about. They weren't trying to convert anyone to Christianity. They just wanted to get the land back.

[A]

Well, they slaughtered some Jews too along the way.

[B]

They did, but so did the Muslims.

[A]

So did the Muslims.

[B]

Here's the thing, here's the yucky, yucky icky ew PUI truth is that the Muslims also slaughtered Jews and took more slaves. Actually two to one slaves more than any Christian ever did. So that is the problema with the argument is that the Muslims had more slaves. So now what hon?

[A]

No, the truth is, the truth of the matter is when it comes to the goat of slavery. Yeah, like the absolute goat. Yeah, it's definitely the Arab expansions in the Ottoman.

[B]

The Dave Chappelle slavery are.

[A]

If you want to talk about the goat of slavery.

[B]

Right.

[A]

There's no, there's no comparison.

[B]

I want to just give a quick shout out, clap it up for the Muslims. You guys have. You took the most slaves and you deserve that. You're the hall of fame.

[A]

Yeah, no, they, they really did. I mean they took, I think it's 18 million. And also you got to remember this was over 1400 years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it was. Yeah.

[B]

Your ancestors were some of them. My ancestors were because the Ottoman Turks. I mean you're talking about that, right? Yeah, that's right. I am.

[A]

I am a descendant of second class citizen slaves.

[B]

So a great, great, great movie to watch. I know that it is not, it is mostly not historically accurate, but if you just do a little digging. Because again, this is not a podcast or YouTube where we give you all the facts. Okay? We have a little fun, little sprinkles, and then you do your own research, honey bunny. Yeah. So, but Kingdom of Heaven with Orlando Bloom. You ever seen that movie Kingdom of Heaven about. I believe it was the third. I believe it was the third Crusade. No, I forgot what crusade it was about. But it was basically, you know, third.

[A]

Crusade is where is Richard the Lionheart?

[B]

So we're going to talk about Richard Lyon. So this is before the Kingdom of Heaven. It's basically, you know, Christians, you know, we Christians had control of Jerusalem for 200 years. 200 years, Christians fully owned Jerusalem. It was not. Muslims wound up, you know, getting it. And that's where this movie picks up, is a leader. The great leader from the. For the Muslims was Saladin. Saladin was the man Saladin, they say. And the reason why, because he did hire. Here's the thing, here's the thing with history, right? Here's what you always have to ask yourself is, you know, do these great leaders like Saladin? Do they. Are they just hiring biographers to write favorable things about them? And yes, most of them, all the way. All of them are. However, scholars all agree that Saladin was a great guy because even his Christian enemies wrote that he was a great leader. But that's how you know if even your enemies are saying, no, no, this guy was a good guy. And on the other side, King Baldwin, who was dying of leprosy, also was a great guy. He also didn't want any more bloodshed. And he wanted people to just kind of coexist within the walls now and be taxed. And be taxed. Well, that. Well, that here we're going to get to the caveats. But King Baldwin is, you know, he's dying of leprosy. And it's interesting because I went, I started doing some research. Like there's. He wears a mask in this movie and it's like freaky. And I was like, oh, that's good. Like, I think it was Ridley Skye. Ridley Scott directed it. I was like, oh, that was a nice choice by him. But then all the, all the history says that's the mat. He wore a mask like that, which is just freaky. Like he's just talking through this mask. His face doesn't Move. Because his face is all, you know, decrepit from, from leprosy. And so the one thing that I learned about is these people, the, the Christians and the Muslims were pretty much living. They were. They were living in relative peace for a while. For a while they were living in relative peace because the Christian. And now, now this is. It's one of these things where I'm just telling you a factoid. I'm not. This is not an opinion. This is just a facty wacky that I learned. And I read a little book called the Crusades for Dummies. So it said this, in this book that the Christians, okay, the Christians, when they had control of Jerusalem or took over anything, they would allow the Muslims and Jews to live within the walls mostly. Would the Christians would. The Muslims, when they took over a city, they would kill the Jews and the Christians and it would just be Muslim. And you would either convert. And you had two choices. You would either convert. I'm sorry, three choices. You would either convert, you would be killed, or you would pay a tax.

[A]

Giza. You would pay Giza.

[B]

You would pay a Giza, you would pay some money to get your freedom. Now, the Christians didn't do that. So I'm not saying one's right, one's wrong. I'm just saying what's a fact, what's truth? Bader Ginsburg.

[A]

And then you decide, well, they both did a little bit of both, right? But you have to give it to the Muslims.

[B]

The Muslims, you're a saracen.

[A]

I think the most overall through the, the Arab expansions and the Ottoman Empire both, I think they did less of that. Less. They did a lot of forced conversions. They did a lot of massacres.

[B]

Because the arrows were about converting you to Islam. The Christians were not about converting you to Christianity. They just wanted to land back.

[A]

No, they also wanted to convert you as well, but they were converting to kill you too.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, but what, everybody's bad and good, by the way.

[A]

Everyone's bad. Well, I guess. But I mean, it was just a brutal time. But where the Muslims were smart was the Giza. So from the founding, you know, from the, from the outset, so the Arabs, the Arab expansions, and then the Ottoman Empire did the same thing, right? It was a smart. When it, when it comes to empire, this is a smart tactic when you think about it. They said, look, we oppress these people, right? What they're going to do, they're constantly going to want to revolt, they're constantly going to be a problem, right? It's constantly going to be an issue. So they said. And also we like money. We need money to fuel our empire.

[B]

So what we're talking about the Arab empire.

[A]

Talking about the Arabs. Just put it in. All one big Arab empire. One, one big sandstorm. Yeah. So we're talking about the big Sanskrit, which was, by the way, the Romans get a lot of credit for a thousand years or whatever they had when you, when you add in the Holy Roman Empire. But look, the Muzzies had like a 1400 year run. Yeah, they were good run.

[B]

And honestly, look, you got to understand something too. The Muslim, fantastic fighting force, 100%. But put yourself in the Christian shape.

[A]

And they did it in dresses and sheets.

[B]

And they did it in dresses, sheets. But imagine you're walking all this way, you're not showing up for a fight. You got a beach ball and sandcastle bucket and you think you're just going to have a fun day. And then all of a sudden you start getting arrows to the head and you start getting hit with the scepters and those swords when you're just there. You know what I mean? You got a cooler, right? You got a beach towel. I mean, I've been in the sand.

[A]

For a year, right? Little side note, you know what? You see what China's doing to the desert over there? They're converting. It's crazy. Anyway, so what they did do.

[B]

Get [e-mail].

[A]

It'S really crazy.

[B]

We're going to talk. That episode will be called Chinese in the Sand.

[A]

Dude, we're, we're over here having debates, figuring out what the truth is. They're over there like converting the desert into arable land anyway.

[B]

Smart.

[A]

Yeah. Who's going to win? Who owns the future? It's not us. It's the Scream Masks. Wei Song. She ain't. Anyway, so what they did was they, they, instead of doing that, they were aware, like, look, we don't want the constant revolts. Like when you look at the Jews constantly revolting against the Romans, it's always a problem trying to subjugate all these people. So they said, we're going to let them keep their religion if you want. But here's the deal. You're right. You can never bring a charge against a Muslim. Muslims have all the rights, okay? And you have to pay this tax in order to keep you the Giza. So it's your choice. You can either convert to Islam and become one of us, or you can still be a Jew or a dirty infidel or a Jew and you can practice your religion, but you have to pay a tax. Also, you could never bring a charge against the Muslim.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So you could never go, hey, a Muslim robbed me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And now I'm taking him to court. You just don't have that.

[B]

You can't do that.

[A]

So that's what they did pretty much throughout the whole run. The Ottomans did, too. And it was called the Giza tax, which was basically like the Mafia. It was like a Mafia tax. I mean, if you think about it honestly, it's like a Mafia tax. Like, you pay us, we'll protect you to a certain extent, but you cannot bring a charge against the made guy. Yeah, the Muslims were made.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And everybody else was not made. And you got to get stored. You wanted to open a little fucking Irish bar in my neighborhood, here's the deal. You pay me protection money, but if one of my guys wants to come in there and get free drinks, you're going to give them free drinks. It's basically the Mafia.

[B]

Now. How quickly do you think. Do you think Trumpy Bear, here's this episode. And starts making people paying American tax.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, just make it. If you're here illegally, that's fine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're not going to deport you anymore. We're getting rid of ice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But you got to pay tax.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you can't bring a charge against one of the boys. Yeah.

[A]

So Saladin did.

[B]

He's upset.

[A]

Yeah, Saladin did that, too. He basically was like, hey, chill, I'll let the Christians be Christians. Just keep paying the tax. Because, remember, it was funding their empire.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So they were basically taking money from all these religions for whatever occupation they had. They had to pay more. And it was like funding their empire to go out and conquest more. What I look at that map because they did good.

[B]

They really did good.

[A]

Rome gets a lot of. Look at that fucking map.

[B]

The Muslims did very well.

[A]

Look at that Muslim all the way to Portugal.

[B]

They did very well. Yeah.

[A]

And what is this? This is just Arab expansions.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Go to Ottoman. The Ottomans got more.

[B]

Because, see, that's what I'm saying. The Arab world, it's one of those things where at some point I understand that the Arabs were able to just keep taking land and land and land. You got to give credit where credit's due. But this idea of the Crusade being this bloodthirsty, because even in the movie the Kingdom of Heaven, they depict the Catholics, the Christians, as these bloodthirsty ghouls, but that's actually not the history the History is they were just going to get the land that they believed that was rightfully theirs just back. So it's very interesting. And what I like about Saladin, cuz I fact checked some stuff is there's a scene in the movie cuz he was a real dude. Cause Saladin also in real, you know, in. In reality was definitely kind. But he was kind for the times. He was still brutal and he would still kill people and all that. But the A guy, Raymond Day, something French. Raymond Day, something French, basically was somebody on the Catholic side who wanted to make war. So he did. He. I think I believe he raped or killed Saladin's wife or niece. Like he did. He got somebody from Saladin's family and killed her or did something horrific to her on purpose. Right. And so then he gets captured. Raymond, Saladin, this guy, Raymond, whatever French guy, he gets captured. And in reality they showed it in the movie, but in reality it's true. Saladin didn't have one of his guards behead him. He beheaded him himself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I. So I kind of respect that. It's like, you know, you never see the president anymore. Not our, any president ever like shoot the gun anymore. Yeah, but that's kind of badass. When they used to actually be like I'll cut your head off.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Myself.

[A]

So basically the first two crusades kind of, you know, the Christians came out on top. They started out strong.

[B]

And then fourth one we lost.

[A]

Yeah, we started losing big.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The third one too was kind of like a standstill. But can you go back to that?

[B]

The third one is all about Richard the Lionheart.

[A]

Yeah. So the third one it was, was spurred on because Sultan Saladin, who was a Kurdish born sultan, we say Kurdish.

[B]

I mean like Afghanistan, Iran. That's Kurdish, right?

[A]

Kurds. The Kurds are a bunch of people that are like in Turkey, they're in that area.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They're mostly Christian now. I think there's a lot of Christian. They're right, they're mostly Christian and.

[B]

No, that's the Kurds. KlRD. Because the Kurds. C U R D Live in Wisconsin.

[A]

Live in Wisconsin.

[B]

Those are the cheese Curts.

[A]

Yeah, those are. These are the Kurd. Kurds.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the Kurds. The Turks have been naughty, naughty to the Kurds. So the Kurds have. Have been really bad. But actually they're Muslim too. I thought they were Christian, but they're Muslim.

[B]

Maybe just real quick before we get into this, because I know that you know this. I know that you know this.

[A]

Some of Them are Christians.

[B]

Yeah, I know that. I know that you know this well. Okay, we're be right back after this break. Cause you know me. And you know one thing that I love almost as much as I love and I guess country a hardcock. I love it, cuz. Now Blue Chew, you chew them. You chew them. They are chewable tablets. Do not stick them in your ass. I tried it. It does not work. Okay? Blue Chew must be chewed and swallowed. For a lot of you people out there who are swallowers, who are not swallowers or spitters like me, Blue Chew works. Okay? Last time I took a Blue Chew, my dude, I took a Blue Chew in Saudi Arabia. I knocked somebody's burq off.

[A]

Here's what I like. They should call it Red, White and Blue Chew. Seriously, because it's a boner made right in the United States.

[B]

Tablets made right here in the United States. So you are supporting this great nation of ours when you get a little Blue Chew. Because a lot of guys can't get their dick up. They just can't get the schmick up.

[A]

They can't get it up. But there's a solution for that. Thank you to Blue Chew. Guys, this isn't about performance. This is about legs.

[B]

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[A]

Or third legacy, if you know what I mean.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Give her group chat, something to talk about and that thing will be your big hard dick.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You know, when you lay it down, you're talking about how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little Blue Chew. Discover your [e-mail] and we've got a.

[B]

Special deal for the listeners. As always, get your first month of Bluechew free. Just use the promo code hyenas at checkout and pay five bucks just for the shipping. That's it. It Join BlueChew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluechew.com for details and important safety info. And big thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast and sponsoring my cause. You need life insurance. Okay? You need life insurance. It's important. We got kids, we got families. You need life insurance. Do you have high blood pressure, diabetes or heart disease? You don't know, you haven't checked, but.

[A]

You are 217 right now. I think I'm pretty good, but I do have some calcium buildup in one of my arteries. I have a 2% chance of a heart attack over the next.

[B]

So do I, actually. Cute. We're both in 2%.

[A]

Yeah.

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[A]

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[B]

I know that you know this well and I know that you know this well because I've perused the Patreon comments and I've seen you correct people. So the. What is the difference between the Sunnies and the other Sunnies? The sunny. The sunny.

[A]

The Sunnies and the shits.

[B]

The Sunnies. Yeah, the Sunny Ds and the Sharia laws. What is the difference between these types of Muslims? Because I understand that there's a significant difference and I forgive my ignorance, but I know that this plays significantly into the Crusades and all the fighting. So can you just explain to me.

[A]

Okay, I got a good question to you. Are you asking what's the difference to me or you? Or are you saying what's the difference to them? I'm saying that's a very important distinction. Because if you're asking me what if the. There's a difference from me, my perspective.

[B]

Is that what you're asking?

[A]

Because from my perspective, there's no difference, Right? It's just one big sandstorm.

[B]

Just like they say that between the whites. Like it doesn't matter if you're Irish, Italian, you're just a white scum.

[A]

Splitting hairs to me.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

You know, you get in a cab and this guy goes, I'm Pakistani, I'm not Indian. Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't say that. I say, cuz you're in New York right now, you're all Puerto Rican.

[B]

Yeah, it's just what it is, hard to say. Guys, it's all your ego. It's all you're hiding behind the ego mask. No, nobody cares. Yeah, nobody cares at all. Your best be friendly with the President. It's your ego that's making you think that you matter more than you do. Myself included. Just shut up. Are you a Sunny D or a Sharia? That's all I'm asking. But to them, I want to know your history.

[A]

But to them it's just, just very simply who they believed should continue the tradition of kind of rule or holy rule after Muhammad died. So one side believes it should have been his relatives. I think it was in the form of his uncle or cousin.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And the other ones thought it should be like the, the Shiite think it should be like the, the imams, the, the holy people. Some people that aren't necessarily related.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

So one is basically divine right of kings and the other one is basically.

[B]

Meritocracy and you don't know which one is which.

[A]

I'm pretty sure the Shia are the ones who are like, let's do mere toxic all the way around. So Sunnis are like, it can be anybody. And the Shiite should be. It should be related to. So the Shi. I believe it should be related to.

[B]

Jesse, you know this too.

[A]

He's got to study the enemy.

[B]

How do you know that?

[A]

Because you got to know the enemy good.

[B]

Just now. Yeah. Yeah. You just know. Yeah. Jesse knows.

[A]

Yeah. So the Sunni believe in the succession after Muhammad. They're going, hey, let his family rule. And, and the one they designated his cousin and son in law, Ali bin Abi Talib. And that's just one guy. Guy I know there's five names there, but it's one guy. So if you think it's almost like the pronoun that you're going call me, they them call this guy. They. Them.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

Because he's got a lot of names.

[B]

But the Sunnis. But the Sunnis and the Shias live on the same land and hate each other and have civil wars amongst each other all the time. They do not coexist all the time. That's the problem too with the Middle east is you've, you've designated these lands, but they're all people that think and act very differently and don't like each.

[A]

Other, they actually kill each other more than anyone else kills each other. So in other words, when you go, who's the biggest perpetrator of terrorism? The. The factual response is Muslims.

[B]

Not. But against other Muslims.

[A]

Exactly. And that was the biggest victim of terrorists.

[B]

It's Muslims. Right.

[A]

They're just constantly doing it.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

They're constantly caught in. In civil strife. And in Iraq, that was a big thing. Like Saddam kept that at bay. Right, right. Like a lot of times strong men keep that at bay. They just don't let it happen.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

They have bad methods on how to do that. But.

[B]

Okay, so it's like pick your poison over there. So the home country, the capital of. Of of Islam is. Is Mecca, which is in Saudi Arabia. And the majority religion there.

[A]

Yeah. And the only guy corrected on the patreon. He told me I would. He said, I would think Yani would know that Saudi Arabia had Wahhabi Islam and not Sunni.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But that's what we're dealing with out there. They're just as frank as being tsar. Wahhabi is Sunni Islam. So you were wrong and I was right.

[B]

That's nanny.

[A]

Nanny fucking boo boo.

[B]

That's what it is. And then I saw that you commented to him and then all he wanted was a response for you and he got really happy. And I was going to say, I'm neither a Sunni Islam.

[A]

And I saw you respond to a.

[B]

Few comments, but then what happens? Because I let the. I let the ego mask take over. And then I said, take off the mask. This. This is your ego. Yeah, get. And then I said, you know what? And then when I wrote a comment, I said, I'm neither one of those. I'm actually Wasabi Muslim. So that's what is. I like a little spicy.

[A]

Take off your mask for me real quick. Just pull it off. Okay, Take it off.

[B]

It's off.

[A]

Yeah, you're a lady. Yeah, you're a lady. Yeah, you want me?

[B]

My.

[A]

I'm a lady too.

[B]

Yeah, take it up. Yeah. And what did I tell you when I saw you, when I saw you crushing the street? I said, your shoulders look good today, baby.

[A]

You say, sure looks good today. As you said, take the mask off. Even if you're. Even if you gotta love who you are, Even if you're fat.

[B]

Yes, that's what I said.

[A]

Call me fat.

[B]

I did say. I said, you gotta love.

[A]

So I am wearing the 217 because I'm 217, right?

[B]

You're 217. But it's just a mask. Because inside that ego is skinny, beautiful and free. And you have to just accept that for who it is. A lot of people are forgetting. A lot of people are forgetting. And this Chinese, I forgot they have a word for it. It's, you know, some Chinese word, but really means is.

[A]

I don't know. We can ask John Cena what it is.

[B]

Yeah, ask John Cena what it is. But it's something about, like when you see nature and nature has no purpose, meaning, it just is. The mountain is just there, the tree is just there. Us as people, we should be that. We're just. There's no purpose here. We're just trying to just dance, baby. That's all I want you. Life is a dance. Get out there, put your best dancing shoes on, stretch out and just go dance.

[A]

Like my dad said, I tap dance for General Clock. That's what it is.

[B]

Because people get to take themselves. You know what it is? I think you just always gotta be silly. Especially us who proclaim ourselves as comedians. Just be silly. When people get so serious about everything, you're losing the fun. Like I was telling you before, I yelled at my daughter today because I got too serious. When the truth is, it's like, just have fun. Just be a silly Billy, Willy Milly. That's all.

[A]

You know what?

[B]

Also you should do too.

[A]

That's a great beamcast. And I'm gonna add a beamcast as well. Don't forget about all the Chinese money that Americans take, right? What about that? How come nobody's saying, why are we cherry picking outrage? What about LeBron James and the NBA taking all that money? What about the comedians that perform in China? What about that? What about what they're doing to the Uyghur Muslims? That's a genocide. Why are we not yelling about that? That's not okay. How about all the people on late night that are taking money from Exxon and all these corporations? How about gas? Gap's an official sponsor of Jimmy Kimmel show. Gap employs slave labor. Okay? He needs to say, watch what he says based on that. Do you not think that there's a list of things you cannot say when you're on late night television? Because let me tell you, free speech doesn't exist when you're on late night television. How about when you perform at a college, they give you a long list of things you cannot say. So let's not cherry pick outrage so much. Yes, one is cutting hands off. Yes, one puts you in Jail for tweets. Yes. The other ones don't, but the Chinese do. What about the Chinese? Are we outraged about that? David Cross, DM me.

[B]

We gotta.

[A]

We gotta get something going about the Chinese. What it is. There's a lot of people. Take the Chinese money.

[B]

It's what it is, baby.

[A]

LeBron James. John Cena could tell you all about that. Yeah, in Mandarin. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, China. I apologize that I said I was opposed. I sorry. I. I apply that. There are two country. I'm sorry. One China, one country. I'm sorry.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

I'm sorry. What are you doing?

[B]

Uga Muslims.

[A]

You killing them?

[B]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[A]

I'm sorry. John Cena. My name is John Cena. I bow down to you. We're leaving it in.

[B]

Fine.

[A]

I mean, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

So I get it. All that.

[A]

Put that in your beam cast as well.

[B]

Put that in the beam cast. You know, and it's just one of those things where. Look, getting back to the Crusades is I get both sides. I get the argument on both sides. And I will say, though, that little by little, back then, it was all about war. It was all about, you know, actual battles. Right now, right now, it seems like kind of people are starting to get revved up for Crusades again on the Christian and Muslim side. They're both saying, you know, if you notice a lot.

[A]

So do we need the Jews or. No. For that? Well, yes.

[B]

The thing is.

[A]

I'm asking you.

[B]

Oh, you're asking me?

[A]

Well, if we. If the war happens again, I mean, we are. Are we Christian? What's the deal with us? What are we on?

[B]

We're Christian.

[A]

I was brought up Christian, but I'm open to the amenities of Islam.

[B]

I'm Christian, but I thought that. I thought that both sides, Christians and Muslims, already decided that the Jews will be used as human shields.

[A]

Ladder 14.

[B]

Just. That was just up. I just sometimes like to have a joke. I just, like, sometimes like to have a joke.

[A]

So you say that's sort of like the international law of warfare that both sides have agreed upon.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I thought they said. You know, that it's like.

[A]

That's coming into play. Yeah. And the Hindus would probably side with us because the Indians hate the Pakistanis. We're just trying to get this all revved up.

[B]

Right. No.

[A]

Where are the South Americans going to stay?

[B]

Yeah, where are the South. You're mostly Christian Christians. South Americans are Christians. Christians.

[A]

They're scrappy Scrappy.

[B]

No, I think the Jews. I think, I think, I think it depends. I think the where, the what side.

[A]

Of the aliens who live in the ocean.

[B]

I think, I think Jews will be split. Split in half. I think Jews. Some Jews will come at the Christian.

[A]

Because they always play both sides.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They're going to fund both.

[B]

They're very smart. So I think, I think, I think the, the. Some Jews will come with, with us and then other Jews will. I think other Jews will go with Islam.

[A]

It depends.

[B]

Are you a Zionist? What do you believe in?

[A]

Are you asking me?

[B]

Well, I'm just saying, like the type of Jews, like, do you believe that if you believe that Israel is Zionists and blah, blah, blah, you're going to go with the Muslims and if you just don't believe any of that, you're going to come with Christians.

[A]

Can I ask you a question?

[B]

Ask me anything.

[A]

I know there's a lot of problems in the world today. I know a lot of people have a lot of problems. But if you're not Muslim or you're not Jewish, isn't this a good time to be that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Doesn't it just feel nice to just not have anything to do with that?

[B]

You don't have anything to do, like, you're just a Buddhist.

[A]

Yeah. Here's my beamcast for the day. Take a deep breath in and go, thank God. I'm not involved.

[B]

Not involved.

[A]

Yeah. I just, I'm not involved.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Leave me out of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't, I don't have any skin in the game.

[B]

No.

[A]

Not a Jew, not a Muslim. You guys have at it.

[B]

Yeah, have at it.

[A]

Have some fun. Have at it. Do what you gotta do. Just, just do what you do best.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That is fight each other. That's all.

[B]

Yeah. You.

[A]

You decided to go over there. You could have went to Greenland. You could have went to Greenland. Right. If you guys didn't complain so much about the cold.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You could have went to Greenland.

[B]

Greenland. Was there this whole thing.

[A]

I mean, but unfortunately that's the Holy Land. I get it. King Solomon. King David. You know, even back then, it just shows you people always fought because. Did you know there was two tribes that hated each other? King David, King Solomon. Solomon within the Jews. Yeah. It was almost like they rep. There were two lawyers represented clients that were on the other side of the.

[B]

Law case because you can't win.

[A]

And they were like, my clients this. And they were like, no, my client says that we're going to go after this. No, King Solomon. You Owe me for that. And then. No, David, let's meet.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We went to the same yeshiva. Let's not let this get messy. We both went to the same yeshiva.

[B]

I couldn't even. One of the best things I ever saw was Yeshiva university women play against my old college when I was in college. And the girls actually, the yeshiva women actually beat our women. But it was funny because all the yeshiva women played in long skirts, so they couldn't dribble the ball between their legs. And that was just. I always thought that was interesting, what great dribbling skills they had. Cause they couldn't do a couple of, you know, really important basketball moves. And they were much easier to defend, but they could shoot the ball.

[A]

Well, here's my beamcast for the day.

[B]

Tell me the beamcast. And I think this is back to the Crusade.

[A]

Yeah. This is what I think we really believe here at this show. And this is what I really think, think our fans love about our show and what we love about our fans, and this is what I personally am trying to spread into the world. Nature is busy creating absolutely unique individuals, whereas culture has invented a single mold to which we all must conform. It is grotesque. Yeah. And that is by Michael Pollan. And I love that quote. I like it because we are all snowflakes. And I. I want people out there to be themselves.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Culture can sometimes be a crutch. It can be. It can really be like a shackle, you know?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And we're lucky enough that we're free.

[B]

Free, baby.

[A]

To be ourselves. Because. Are you a Catholic or Are you Chris DiStefano?

[B]

I'm Chris DiStefano, the Catholic.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I put your Chris Stefano first.

[B]

I'm Chris Deano first.

[A]

Because your lifestyle definitely says you're Chris De Stefano first.

[B]

I'm Chris De Stefano first. Okay. I'm Chris Stefano first. And I'm also known in some circles as Chrissy the Cathol. But I also think even culture, when we talk about culture, you know, I agree with you 100%, big. Because chances are, I can't say for everyone, but chances are whatever your culture is, whatever your culture is today in 2025, was probably raped in or just beaten in to your great great grandmother and grandfathers by whatever conquerors conquered them, whatever land you're from. And then you believing that this culture is your own.

[A]

Unless you're Greek and you resisted the Muslims completely.

[B]

Well, that's what we saying. There's a high. I'm not saying everyone, but majority. Whatever your hairstyle is whatever food you eat, whatever. Whatever you're willing to die for was probably the culture of your great great grandmother and grandfather's enemies. But so many millennia and hundreds of years have went by that you don't even know that anymore. And it's all been lost because I get it. None of us have the time to do the research and find out what's true is true. So this is why culture. To me, culture appropriation doesn't make any sense. And it's just something else to cause tension and to cause fighting and to make people's ego get stronger. So they could say I'm right and you're wrong. It's all bs.

[A]

Go.

[B]

Life is a dance. It's supposed to be lived. Go dance, baby. Just go dance.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's all I want to see. Hun is out there dancing.

[A]

And don't take your culture so seriously because in a couple of years it'll. You'll have to switch to Chinese anyway.

[B]

That's what it is.

[A]

So it's always changing.

[B]

And just know when someone's hating on you or someone's angry, it's just noise. And it's your choice to filter that noise in or not. People could say whatever they want to you. Okay. How are you going to take it in? It's all about how you react.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's all about. It's all about your actions, not their actions. Okay, baby? Gorgeous. Don't forget that, hon. Life's a dance. I want you to go dance. Be free.

[A]

It's. It's up to you. Either you're going to write an apology. Leisure or you're not. That's what it is. We could cut.

[B]

You know what? I'm dancing. Okay. You know who I want you to call me from now on? Gloria Estefan.

[A]

You're Gloria Estefan.

[B]

I'm dancing.

[A]

I'm doing the Congo and Yabikos. Ay, Bull. What's her name? The figure skater that you used to jerk off.

[B]

She fell off a little bit. She fell off. And she's 49 years old and she just launched a house in Louisiana. If you listening to the podcast Oskana, just know I got an extra room.

[A]

Yeah, maybe we should do a Kickstarter for her because it's sad that she lost all that money. She has a great Ukrainian figure skater.

[B]

Do you think I was a gay kid when I know I can list off. I used to watch figure skating with my aunt. I used to look forward to it. Oscana Bayoul, Katerina Vitt, Christy Yamaguchi. Brian Botano, Scott Hamilton.

[A]

Yeah, I remember you told me. I used to really love it when Tonya Harding. When she hit the kneecaps. Nancy Kerrigan. You cried.

[B]

I cried. I was upset.

[A]

You were upset about that.

[B]

I was really, really, really upset. And then the only way I could calm down is. The only movie that would calm me down is my aunt would put on this movie called Little Women. And I watch that. We'll be right back.

[A]

No, I think you're a gay kid. I think you're a straight kid that's so straight that you come around. You know, like the game Pac man, when you go to one side and then you come out the other. You know that game? You go like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're so straight, you come around to gay now. Just like Richard the Lionheart. Just like Alexander the Great. Just like a lot of sultans.

[B]

He's right.

[A]

You're just curious about men.

[B]

Well, tell us about. I am curious about men and that's why I'm curious this episode. Curious about men. Well, that's why I'm curious about Richard the Lionheart. He was the leader of the Third Crusade, which was kind of a draw with the muzzy cousins. With our cuz he muzzies. So tell me about Richard the Lionheart. What did you learn about him? Why do you think he's bisexual? Is he available?

[A]

He only has one kid that they know about. And the mother was unknown. Sort of some illegitimate. Some people say it might have even been a Muslim.

[B]

No. Was he the king? He was King Richard the First.

[A]

Richard the First Lionheart. The lion was Henry ii. His. Him and his boy Philip, who. Who was very jealous of him. He was raised in France. He only spoke French because, remember, this was before English was the lingua. Francois.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So he spoke French.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And he was the king of France.

[B]

Richard the Lionheart was the king of France.

[A]

Yeah. Am I wrong about that? No.

[B]

England. Yeah. Because French because the leaders.

[A]

Philip was.

[B]

Philip II of Augustus was the king of France. And then the Holy Roman. Holy Roman Empire, essentially the pop Pope was Frederick the First Barbarossa, AKA Ralph Barbarossa.

[A]

Ralph Barbarossa. And so those two guys were brought up together and they.

[B]

But look at this Crusade. Frederick. Frederick Barbosa drowned on the way to the Crusade and then Philip withdrew. So you are correct. Richard was just the main crusader leader. He was the guy.

[A]

And that's why he became so popular. He got a name, Richard Lyhart, because he was very ruthless in battle. He was supposedly, you know, a very strong dude. Who was in the front. I mean, he ended up dying. I think he took an arrow to the heart.

[B]

Yeah. You would just die of infection.

[A]

Died of battle. Yeah, he died in battle. He died of gang or some. But he died in battle. He took a lot of bodies. He did say he, you know, he played golf with skulls.

[B]

Richard the Line guy. He's also a character. Richard the Line Arts. Also a character in Kevin Costner's Robin Hood. That's also around about. Around this time.

[A]

Well, yeah, because they said that he was kind of like that, right? Like trying to help the poor or whatever.

[B]

Like. Yeah, Richard the Lionheart. So. So. But. But he. And he appears. Richard the character. Richard the Lionel. If you want to. After this episode, if you go. If this episode made you puing. Go watch the movie Kingdom of heaven from 2005, Ridley Scott's kingdom of Heaven. It's a fascinating movie. And at the end of the movie, you see a character come up to Orlando Bloom's character and basically say, we're going on another crusade to get Jerusalem back, which they had lost at the end of the movie. And that character is supposed to be Richard the Lionheart. Yeah, because this is what. That's what prompted the Third Crusade. Richard the Lionheart's crusade, which Johnny's talking about about, was that fall of Jerusalem in 1187 to Saladin. Saladin took Jerusalem. And there's a. There's a scene at the end of the movie which I was like, oh, that's also good writing. But then I said, scholars said. They really said, this is Orlando Bloom's character forgetting his name. Something of I. Berlin. But he really negotiated the surrender. That's true. He really did negotiate the surrender. And he said to Saladin, what is Jerusalem worth to you? And he said, nothing thing. And then he took a moment, he said everything. And that's real, supposedly. He actually said that it's worth nothing and everything at the same time, which is such as life.

[A]

Such as life.

[B]

It's everything and nothing at the same time. So what do you got to go do?

[A]

Dance. You got to dance, baby. So, yeah, Saladin. The first two Crusades, we had control of Jerusalem. When I say we, I mean the Christians. Now, I wasn't there. You weren't there, but. And then the Sultan of what was Egypt and Syria.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

He expands. He takes it back, and that triggers the Third Crusade. And Richard the Lionheart and Philip. Philip and Frederick are like, yo, we got to get a ragtag bunch of Christians. We got to go back. We got to take it back.

[B]

Because understand Christendom is all you gotta understand. These Crusades are interesting because every. A lot of other wars are about countries. This is, this is Christendom. Christendom versus Muslim. So all different countries, all different ways of life coming together under one religious flag. Yeah, yeah. Pretty interesting.

[A]

It's basically. And that's what solid Saladin was able to do. He was able to unify the Sunni and Shia against because they had a common enemy, the Christians. Christians. And the Christians were able to unify all their sex, whatever, because they had a common enemy, the Muslims. So it's just, it was just like you need a common enemy.

[B]

Well, that's what I'm saying too. And if they. It feels like. It feels like again, me and Yanni not involved, but just from looking on the Internet and around, it feels like there's Crusades are in people's minds again. Because now you're starting to see big, big time people. Everyone's going back to church. Right. Everyone's going hardcore Catholic again or hardcore Christian going back to church. Because you're starting to see all these videos that are saying, saying Islam is about that life. Islamic people go hard to the mosque, they go hard. They are about that life at the religion. And Christians have become a kind of more apathetic. They don't really care. And that. And a lot of Christian people are saying that is the way that you lose Christianity is by doing nothing at all. You have to make a commitment and go back to church. And that's why I've been going. My family.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was going to get this tattoo removed, but now I'm not. I'm adding to it.

[A]

Yeah. So at the time, are you in.

[B]

Or are you out?

[A]

Are you in or out is the question.

[B]

Sarah said.

[A]

So they had a couple of battles. So like, like we just said, Richard was the only one who kept marching forward. So. And they defeated Saladin's army near Haifa, which is in Israel now. Right. Securing the control of the coast. And then that battle, the battle of Arsof in 1191 is what really made Richard famous. And people considered him a brilliant, brilliant military tactician.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And he kept marching from there to Jerusalem, but he could never take the city.

[B]

And Jerusalem's a hard city to take even today because it's walled off, guys.

[A]

Yeah, it's walled off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Even. Even in that battle in the Kingdom of Heaven, they could not breach those freaking walls. And then finally they do. And then you get in.

[A]

Yeah. So he, he decided it was strategically impossible to hold it long term. So he was. He made some incursions into it. And then Richard and Saladin, and they respected each other very much. Richard and Saladin.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Everybody respected Saladin. Yeah. They. They agreed to a truce. So the Muslims retained control of Jerusalem. Christian pilgrims were guaranteed safe passage to the Holy Land. So they could go there and they could pray or whatever.

[B]

And that. And that's even right now, today. That's what I think. Christians. Christians are. And who knows what's actually gonna happen? But Christians are very worried about what happens to the Holy Land and who. Because they know if Israel keeps it, and, you know, the Jewish people have it, they're gonna not. They're gonna keep the religious sites up. They'll let you come visit. But the fear is, and it might just be a fear that if you give it to Muslims, they're gonna destroy all the holy sites and not let any Christians in.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

That's just what the fear is.

[A]

It's crazy to think that this piece of property. I mean, Constantinople is also involved, but this piece of property. Property has caused so much war. Yeah. It's crazy. And it's just because it's where Jesus was born.

[B]

Do you think if somebody. Do you think if somebody just dropped a nuke, evacuated everybody and just dropped a nuke on the whole thing, it would be bad for a little while, but then get better?

[A]

I think if you think about it like this, you go, like, hey, all right. I got two kids fighting, right? If you're God and you're going, I got two kids fighting. I got Cain and Abel fighting. Whatever. If you're the God of all gods or whatever, and you go, if I just. You know when two kids are fighting over a toy and they won't stop you to fighting, and then you take the toy and you just destroy it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you go, okay, now neither one of you can use it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That would be great, right? If we just nuked it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

If we just nuked it, it would be right. Would be over, Right. And be like, there is no Holy Land anymore.

[B]

My daughters were fighting over that the other day. They were fighting over this glue stick. This, like, stupid glue stick. It's mine. It's yours. I said, it's nobody's. And I shoved it right up my ass. No loop, no lube. And I said, I'm the man here. And I went like that. And I popped it in, and that's it. I said, nobody's getting that.

[A]

And here's the deal. You got a really Big ass. So maybe you could fit Jerusalem in it.

[B]

Yeah, that's what it is.

[A]

If we could just take Jerusalem, stuff it in your ass, this thing will be over.

[B]

I'm open wide, baby. And I'm. And I'm open wide for Jesus.

[A]

Yeah. So the Crusaders kept control of the coastal strip of Haifa and Accra. And. And then when Richard came back, he was. Which is wild, he was captured on his way back. People were so jealous him, because he was like such a hero. He was like famous back then because of these. This conquest. So. But then he was captured by. By Duke Leopold of Austria because he had insulted him during the Crusade and he was later handed to the Holy Roman Empire who demanded a massive ransom to get Richard the Lionheart back. And then they ended up bleeding fucking England dry to pay this ransom. It was so expensive.

[B]

Yeah. And weren't they the same side?

[A]

Pretty much, yes.

[B]

He got offended.

[A]

It just shows that everyone in fights and it's everyone's.

[B]

There's no winners and losers. That's the thing in war. Pretty much everybody loses.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then he, he was.

[A]

They paid the ransom, he returned to England, but then he went to fight in France and he died from a crossbow wound in some castle seat.

[B]

Yeah, that. See, that's awful. That's like. That's like when you sign the big time player to max contract, then they blow their knee out like. Well, now I just lost all the money.

[A]

Yeah. So that.

[B]

By the way, speaking of that, I'm. We're going to talk about this on the Patreon. Mark Sanchez is on coke.

[A]

Mark Sanchez on coke.

[B]

And he beat the. Out of somebody and he's on coke. Big. And I have a source that did coke with him.

[A]

He's also. He also got stabbed a bunch by that guy.

[B]

Yeah. Because he was on coke and body slammed and beat the shit out of him. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I mean it's.

[B]

He got a rat mark. Sandra's in jail.

[A]

I know, I know what my friend said.

[B]

He's on coke.

[A]

Big.

[B]

He used to do blow with them.

[A]

Oh boy.

[B]

I'm going to call my friend on the Patriot.

[A]

Yeah, let's do it.

[B]

Patreon.com history hyenas.

[A]

Yeah. So that's basically what happened. And Richard and Saladin, this. That's what basically the Third Crusade was about, was these two giant figures. They had a lot of mutual respect for each other. Although they were adversaries, they kind of, you know, game respect.

[B]

Respect for each other. Richard and Saladin, mutual respect. Both doing what they felt was right for their respective countries, and at the end of the day, both good guys just trying to do what's right. Very much like Trump and Putin.

[A]

Yeah. But in. In Islamic history, they look at Richard the Lionheart a little different.

[B]

They.

[A]

They look at him as a slaughterer. They look at him as a dirty dude. Now, here's the deal. Well, Islam, it could.

[B]

I could say some nasty stuff about your leaders, too. Yeah.

[A]

If we're gonna throw names.

[B]

But I don't want to say that because I don't want to get shot in the streets. Like what happens in France.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Beheaded.

[A]

Here's the situation. The Muslims definitely won the Crusades because they kept control of Constantinople, renamed it Istanbul. And they kept control ultimately.

[B]

I mean, Turkey is still Muslim.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To this day.

[A]

All of it.

[B]

They.

[A]

They. They won. But here's what happened. Europe was in the Dark Ages during this time.

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[A]

Islam was translating the Greeks. It always comes back to who's got the Greek.

[B]

Islam was in their scientific awakening.

[A]

Yeah. They translated all the Greek works. They were creating algebra.

[B]

They.

[A]

They were creating chemistry. It's all their stuff. But what happened was, because of the Crusades, we went in and took some of that stuff, brought it back to Europe. Then the plague hits, right. And 40 million people die in Europe. And people start to lose a little faith in the church, going like, why would God do this to us? You priests are telling us he's doing it because he punishes us, because we're sinners. But guess what? My third kid died when he was one. He's not a sinner. So they start losing faith in the church a little.

[B]

Little bit. Right.

[A]

Because of the plague. And that allows a couple of cracks to open up for reason and enlightenment to flood in. And then the. The Europeans, the Christian Europeans, get enlightened.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then we lap. Yeah, we just lap them. And that's what started the modern era, where we have the advantage, unfortunately.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then we win World War I, we win World War II, what it is, because remember. Remember, the Ottomans fought on the side of the Germans World War I. And then that was the end of them.

[B]

That was the end of them. And listen, honey bunny, baby gorgeous, the Crusades were very, very probably the most important wars of all of Western culture, because without the Crusades, without, you know, crusaders going and trying to get back the land and fighting these wars, you would have no Renaissance, you would have no poetry, you would have no Enlightenment Age. None of this stuff would have happened because it would have been under Muslim rule. And obviously Muslims have their own way, way of doing things and they're very have, you know, great achievements in history, but they would have subjugated the people who were born. Like there would be no Da Vinci. He would be under Muslim rule. He wouldn't be allowed to do the paintings.

[A]

Yeah, basically they won the battles, but we won the war because, yeah, they started going down and we started going up from that point on. And the plague had a lot to do with that as well.

[B]

Right? So that's what it is, baby. And that you listen, tell us what we got right. Tell us all the things we got right. Wrong. And just know that the Crusades, like anything else in life, is messy, like any other current hot button issue. Everybody wants things to be black and white in life. And the truth is everything's gray. Or should I say everybody wants things to be black and white. And the truth is everything's Chinese beige. Everything's beige. So unfortunately, there are no winners, there are no losers. All you gotta do, honey, life is meant to be lived. Go enjoy it. Go dance. There's really almost never, never. There's really almost never any reason for you to be angry. There just really isn't because you're going to die anyway. So you might as well just be happy and let things flow like Bruce Lee. Be like water. Just flow with the baby. Does you know what is a wave doing? It's just crashing against a rock. A tree's just being a tree. Just be, baby. Have no purpose, you know, that's okay.

[A]

You know what we really need? We need a new religion.

[B]

Right?

[A]

We need a new religion. When you look back in history, it's like the pagans they represented all had all these gods. Then monotheism comes in and goes, oh, you just got to worship one. Not united a lot of people.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Right. And so united Christians, united Muslims. We need another one that unites all of them. And of course the Jews won't convert but everyone else. So then it's just like one world and Jews. And then we just deal with the tribe of Jews. They complain and they write reviews.

[B]

This is where the false flag of aliens is going to come in and save us, is we're all just get united against aliens and we'll just be one crusade against the aliens.

[A]

Yeah, we need one more. I think we're one religion away from uniting the world. But that's the only way we're going to do it.

[B]

It's just what it is. We got a fun Patreon for you. We're going to talk about Mark Sanchez being on coke. And then also a unruly passenger on a flight recently that that wore had on 13 N95 masks and say that gays were giving him cancer. Okay. As always, we always read off the names of the Patreon, which must have.

[A]

Been on a Joe Rogan episode.

[B]

Yeah, so we must. So. So we have the newest members of the matriarchy. As always, the best name wins a prize at history hyenas is back.com youm see your name up in lights. Okay, leading off my ideologies, welcome to the matriarchy. Matthew Aldridge. Then we got. I almost got nicked by the small teeth, big gums gene. Lucky for me, Grandma was a whore.

[A]

Drexler.

[B]

Drexler.

[A]

Right out of the gate.

[B]

Barrel. Tintman. Ligma. Shane. Calamari Cochrane.

[A]

Okay, very good on the list. Interesting Calamari cock ring.

[B]

I thought that was hilarious. Chicken finger.

[A]

Kid takes a fucking piece of calamari.

[B]

And uses it as a cock ring.

[A]

And you don't think he's getting on the list?

[B]

Calamari. And I've said it before on the show, but just a reminder, a lot of Calamari's imitation calamari. It's actually pig anus. Just. But just deep fried.

[A]

That's a rumor. I don't think there's any truth to that.

[B]

Well, talk to Chachi Beat. Then we got Chrissy. Nighttime snuggle and bedtime story. My struggle. Okay. Scott Shamsky.

[A]

Who's that?

[B]

I don't know. Scott Chiamski. Chew My Shrew. Greg Buettner. Malaka Obama. Hamish. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[A]

Malaka Obama's a goodie. Oh, yeah, That's a chicken finger.

[B]

What is Malacca? What? Because what's her name? Name?

[A]

No. Mala is a Greek curse. Oh, Mala Obama, the great masturbator. The champion masturbator. Okay, so he's getting a chicken finger.

[B]

For that chicken finger should have gone to child support, but I love you guys more. It's what it is.

[A]

Dressler.

[B]

AAA rated American, Argentinian Aryan.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Emmanuel Mora. Then we got ass blasting. Gooch Gobbler. Ass blasting is funny.

[A]

That's a Drexler.

[B]

Q24. Patrick Potato Monkey.

[A]

Wheatley.

[B]

Corey Jones. Keith Ackerley. Tyler Holderby. My glue gun is an actual chicken finger. Funny, funny. Jacob Muser. Seth B. Mandy. Daniel Kunkel. Matt Bustillo. Ryan Ball. Did you come, babe?

[A]

Drexler for the laugh.

[B]

All right. Jake Sedgwick. Sean Anderson. Chrissy D. Minor league Frisbee. Mvp. Chingis Khan's Wacky Vineyard Tours.

[A]

Funny.

[B]

Gianni Silvestri. Hamas Peen has knocked the Frisbees off the beam. Okay.

[A]

It's pretty.

[B]

It's. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's a good one. Drexler.

[B]

Randy. Josh Kilger cracked open Momdani and his IED exploded.

[A]

Drexler.

[B]

It's what it is. Sydney Sweeney's third round strike. Zouch the Gooch. If I owned a bar, I'd serve San Negronis.

[A]

Gotcha.

[B]

Got me.

[A]

Got you. Good way song. She ain't really good.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But I mean, they are the most creative ones.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They really. It just shows. Let me just say this. It shows you that. It does show you this. Racism in real life is bad.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But racism in your mind is good. Opens up creativity. Because we have a case study here. Because morally these are wrong.

[B]

But they are.

[A]

They get very creative with the word play.

[B]

Yep. I agree.

[A]

Sandy Negronis is very funny.

[B]

Very funny. So then we got bumpkin spice latte. I'm sorry. Blumpkin spice latte. Yummy. Jason Rucastle. Tomas Williams. Jared hymn Shoot. Ben McNally. Oven loving Frisbee club.

[A]

Gotcha.

[B]

Hey, got again. Walked into one.

[A]

I love how it takes you seconds.

[B]

Yeah. Shane Sutton covered in Kanye's glue. Oops. Okay.

[A]

Ladder 14. Walked here to walk security. You know, take him out of the store.

[B]

Then we got Stinky Winky. Puts Chris's pinky in my stinky. Luke Minai G. Kristen Pastana. I have Leroy Orgies in my basement. Make no mistake, it's Underground Railroad. But the trains come late.

[A]

Put them on the list.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Put them on the list.

[B]

And there you go.

[A]

Get the catapult.

[B]

That's okay. Yeah. It's just funny.

[A]

That's probably. It's over. It's just. Everyone go home. Yeah. It's 14 to nothing in the sixth inning. So if you want to beat the traffic, go home.

[B]

But they almost Yankees to come back. Yeah. Tommy Gust of wind. Chris Lloyd. $3 bill leaky. $3 bill leaky roofs. Lifting through fumes with my glue gun. Okay. Andrew McKenna. Jimmy Carr. Sir come sized. They put like Sir, Sir. Come size, come size. Not nice. It. I like it. D.C. johnson, Aubrey I.P. white and lean. Right.

[A]

Drexler.

[B]

Yeah. Frankie Lazzanaro. Sydney Sweeney's bath candles. Fruity Giuliani.

[A]

Fruity Giuliani is a good chicken figure.

[B]

Yeah, I like that. Christian. Oh. Hayroy shirt and pool. AKA Mexican Ozempic list. So we got another contender. Yeah.

[A]

Contender is.

[B]

And it got big laughs for Nick and Jesse.

[A]

Hilarious.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It's just what it is.

[A]

List contender.

[B]

Yeah. And then we got. Hey, babe, take my five. I'm leaning. I'm leaving anyways. Soon as my volcano comes around. Drexler.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. Hey, babe, Once out. Okay. John Nate McKinney. Is it Burton Tom or Lenny and George? Jake Lit.

[A]

That's a good one.

[B]

It is a good one.

[A]

Get that Of Mice and Men.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Inside joke, but Drexler for it.

[B]

Like it, Jack. Jake lisset. Jake Lapella. B314 lux. Broke my nose playing Frisbee. Thank God for the good folks at Frisbee. Frisbee and Frisbee.

[A]

Drexler. Really good.

[B]

Courtney loves trigger finger.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's really good. Put it on the list.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. All right. See, you got to just keep listening.

[A]

Cobain.

[B]

Maybe that's what they say. Beezy. Connor Sisson. K. Marcus Raphael. Drew Lane. Sam Rogers. Dylan Anthony Ochino. Dylan Kubiak. Jack and Jill Took a pill from Father Bill and Sam Morrill. Derek Whitworth. Gage V. Kaden Anderson. Trenton Ball. Sarah lebron. Sarah leblanc. Okay, a couple more. Riyadha or die trying. But it said Ryda or die trying.

[A]

It's a good one. Drexler.

[B]

Amanda Hildreth. Travis Gorzielski. Glued in a muzzy. Now I'm shopping at Akash Bagosh for children's clothes. Called it Akash Bagash.

[A]

Very funny.

[B]

Matt Smith thought I needed a Blue Chew. Then I saw her butterfly tattoo. Now we are both covered in glue. It's what it is. Louise Felix. Zero. Coffee. Leroy. Room for glue. Travis Costello.

[A]

Come in his coffee.

[B]

Travis Costello. Brian Moore. Aaron Flynn. Marcus Hamilton. Ted Kazon. Skiing lessons. Stephen Kmac. I went to a shooting range in Valhalla with Vishnu. And now all my bullets are trans deport. Cash Patel.

[A]

I like to just call him Officer Doofy. Yeah, he really reminds me of Officer Doofy. Yeah, every time he says anything, I just hear. I don't know why you got the look. He's just a. He's a mess, that kid.

[B]

Grand Theft Gaza. Frisbee City Stories. Stories. Nick Glunta.

[A]

Wait, say that one again.

[B]

Grand Theft Gaza. Frisbee City stories.

[A]

Very funny.

[B]

Like that? Yeah. Nick Glunta. Right to the back. Cobra Mudcat. Cameron colville. James Graham. Dr. Adolf. Sponge Milicevich. Abby Osborne. Arkle Glue gun. Derek Baxter. Manhandle my ham candle. Whoa. Manhandle my ham candle. What? Whoa.

[A]

Has anyone ever heard it referred to as a ham candle?

[B]

No. It's a first for me. It's Inventive.

[A]

Whoa. Put them on the list.

[B]

Ham candle. Yeah.

[A]

Whoa. Calling your piece a ham candle.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Chris. Chris kringled my sphincter. And then last but not least, if Lady Stephanie is trans, I'm all in.

[A]

I hear you brother.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I hear you brother.

[B]

So now we got a list. So you thought there is no clear cut winner yet because we have some. Well.

[A]

But I don't know, I'm still partial to one.

[B]

Okay. But we still have interesting choices because we have some that I think this list is going to be determined on. Obviously. Funny. But also there's some inventive ones and there's some. Sometimes if you say something that somebody's never heard before, you have to just take this into major consideration.

[A]

Huge.

[B]

Okay, so let's go. So we have Calamari Cochrane.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

You still in.

[A]

You guys love that.

[B]

That Columari Cochrane still in.

[A]

I'm keeping it around. Kamari Cochrane.

[B]

All right, then we keep it in.

[A]

I mean the guy, I, you know, he's okay. No carbon footprint, not rubber.

[B]

Then we got Courtney Loves Trigger Finger.

[A]

We're going to, we're going to Chicken finger that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's a good one though.

[B]

Shirt and pool, AKA Mexican.

[A]

Ok. Keeping that around, that's a contender.

[B]

Manhandle My Ham Candle.

[A]

We're keeping that around. Okay.

[B]

And then I have Leroy Orgies in my basement. Make no mistake, it's the Underground Railroad. But the trains come late.

[A]

I mean contender.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, the first one again was. We're going to have to drex through the first one.

[B]

Col Mari Cochran.

[A]

Yeah. Shout out to you. You're Chicken finger.

[B]

You're chicken fingered, but congrat. Okay. Manhandle My Ham Candle.

[A]

Okay, that's. We got, we got a three way race. We got, we got, we got a. We got a gold, a silver and a bronze here.

[B]

This is the Olympics.

[A]

Welcome to the Olympics.

[B]

So here we go. So we got Manhandle My Ham Candle. Then we have Shirt and pool AKA Mexican Ozemp Olympic. And then we have. I have Leroy Orgies in my basement. Make no mistake, it's Underground Railroad. But the trains come late.

[A]

I mean have we.

[B]

Look, this is, you know, dude, this is why you need a live audience.

[A]

No. And this is one. This is what makes it so horrible is I wish these guys were on different lists.

[B]

Right?

[A]

So so much of this is the timing. I wish these guys were on different lists. I want to put them both on.

[B]

But you wish Clyde Drexler didn't play with Jordan. He would have got what the thing.

[A]

Is, that's what makes it so difficult because one of these people have to walk home empty hands it.

[B]

Yeah. And I don't like that. It's just what the game of life. It is what the creators wanted.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So this is going to be a vote, so we're going to have to be both. So. All right, so manhandle my ham candle shirt and pool AK Mexican Ozempic. I have Leroy Orgies in my basement. Make no mistake, it's the underground railroad, but the trains come late. So what do we got, Jesse?

[A]

Dude, this is the worst one we've ever had. This is the worst one. This is the worst one. All right, for bronze, I am going to. With the Leroy train.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

I'm going bronze with the Leroy train. Underground Railroad. This origin my basement.

[B]

This is Jesse. This is the judge. This is.

[A]

I want to hear from Nick. I don't fuck. All right, let me finish.

[B]

Let the Jew judge put his card out. Half a Jew. Yeah.

[A]

All right, then I'm going manhandle my.

[B]

Ham candle is the silver and the.

[A]

Gold is Mexican Ozempic.

[B]

There you go, Nick. Yeah, I like Mexican Ozempic. Also as number one.

[A]

I can see the T shirt. It's a Mick. It's a Minnie Mouse T shirt.

[B]

Yes. Now, John, unfortunately, I don't because I know that you got trains come late as one.

[A]

I'm going underground railroad on this one. That's my vote. That's what. That's what I thought. For me, to me, that was a LeBron James. It came out early and it lived up to the hype. Right. But the Mexican Ozempic got the biggest laugh in the room. It did.

[B]

The reason why I'm leaning towards even though I do. Even though. Though I do actually think Leroy.

[A]

So let's just say the. The hand can.

[B]

Ham candle's out. So that's. Thank you, ham candle. But you're Dr. On another list.

[A]

That's win.

[B]

That's in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ham candle, by the way, most inventive.

[A]

I'm probably going to call it from that now.

[B]

I'm going to call. I'm changing it from glue gun to my hand.

[A]

Glue gun is.

[B]

Is.

[A]

Has been usurped.

[B]

So even though ham candle, you're not going to win, I think you might actually be the best here because we're going to use your term.

[A]

I'm going to say to my wife, it's time for you to put your mouth on my ham candle.

[B]

We're actually going to put ham candle. Sabrina the hyena if you're listening, put ham candle in the vocabulary. Put it on the list on the website.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Put in the lexicon. A history is his back dot com. Now, I think strictly because what I'm. Because I said an audience. I've never seen Nick and Jesse laugh simultaneously. And you, as when we heard shirt in the pool. AK Mexican Ozempic.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So that.

[A]

Are you just desensitized to that because you see it every weekend at your house?

[B]

That's what it is. Yeah. For me. For me.

[A]

So do you. You.

[B]

Yeah, for me.

[A]

It's your heart, though. What's in your heart?

[B]

What's in my heart?

[A]

What do you like?

[B]

So what I like about Leroy, here's. Let me. Let me just explain. I like Leroy or Leroy. Org is in my basement. Make no mistake. It's the Underground railroad. But the trains come late. It's such a good one. It's such a good one. But I think part of the skill in this, this is amazing, is getting it short and concise. You have, you know, 15 words. Words versus five. Right.

[A]

Like, but with that one in particular, how could he have shortened it to make it a funnier joke? I mean, every word in there is necessary. And then. But the trains come late is. Yeah.

[B]

There's no way to shorten that. It's true.

[A]

No way to shorten that, baby.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. Because we can't give.

[A]

We do this joker style in the movie where he breaks a pool stick and lets these two fight it to the death.

[B]

Yeah. Should they just find whoever. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But if you're leaning their way, then it. Then it's. Then it's not a tie. And it's a slaughter.

[B]

We're having trials.

[A]

Yeah. It's really up to you.

[B]

Well, because. Yeah, because. Yeah. Because I am the deciding vote here. Yeah.

[A]

This is like one of those decisions. Are you going to go or are you going to stay? It's a tough one.

[B]

It's. Yeah, it's a tough one. And at the end of the day, sometimes, you know, here's what I'll say sometimes, you know, somebody was asking me about this the other day. They said, you know, you go, like, what'd you go? You know, is it about the money? And it's like, yeah, of course. It's like having sex. It's like when a guy says, I love my wife for who she is. I actually believe that. I do believe when guys say that. However, the only reason why you were ever drawn to your wife is because you wanted to bang her out because she was hot. And then you fell over the personality. So for me, I went to Saudi Arabia for the money. Okay. Because it was hot. But then when I got there, that's why I felt no guilt on the way home because I said, I actually love being there. I love these people. Yeah, I love these people. So that's the analogy that I use, and that is the truth. With that being said. With that being said in the. In the spirit of sometimes listen, heavy lies the crown. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sometimes you have to make these hard choices and you just have to.

[A]

Sophie, you're Chrissy the hyena head right now. Chrissy the hyena head. Not Richard the Lionheart.

[B]

Not Richard the Lionheart. I am like, I am Saladin.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Right now. And so with. With. With it within.

[A]

Because you got converted out there.

[B]

Because I got converted out there. Yes. I am fully Islam.

[A]

And, And.

[B]

And you can ask. And that's why I got into an argument with my daughter today because I said, hey, you have your face out. Can only have the eyes. So things are a little different in my household now.

[A]

It does make picking clothes to go to kindergarten a little easier.

[B]

It just makes it a little. Yeah, it's nice. It's nice you run in Sharia law and it's nice that we have bidets everywhere. Yeah, it's nice that our ass. I'll tell you one thing about. I'll tell you one thing about Wahhabi Muslim in Saudi Arabia is you've never had those people have the cleanest asses in the world. They do. There's bidets wherever you. You go. But with all that being said, and also, you know, again, never seeing Jesse and Nick laugh like this kind of, you know, the. It actually hits close to home because this could also be Puerto Rican Ozempic. This could be a lot. I've seen the shirts and the shorts in the pool a lot this summer. For me, I'm going to go with shirt in the pool. AK Mexican Ozempic as the winner. Even though Leroy Orge is in my basement, I will tell you this. Mexican Ozempic, you are the winner. You're going to see your name up in lights at histrainis is back dot com. You're the ppw, the pseudo penis of the the week. However, Leroy Orgies in my basement, if this makes any sense, actually might be the most inventive, creative, funny name we've ever had in the history of the show. But yet on this list specifically, they don't win.

[A]

It's it.

[B]

This is just what it is.

[A]

This is what makes the list so exciting and tough. I mean, sometimes you got to put something like that. It's a tr. It's almost a tragedy that the two were in the same list.

[B]

Yes, it's what it is. So. But, you know, and Ham Candle, you know, you came in third, but your name is going to be in the vocabulary.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So fear not.

[A]

So there are no losers here.

[B]

There are no losers. Because Leroy, in my basement. Underground Railroad. If you have talent like that, you know you'll come up with something else. Yeah, it's. No, you will.

[A]

It's like. It's almost like the Crusades. Right? The Muslims won and kept control, but the Christians also got enlightened because of the cultural communication through their crusades. They won. So both ended up winning. Everyone wins when you dance.

[B]

Yeah. You put on your shoes and you.

[A]

Dance in the life. You win, you win. You take your mask off and put your party shoes on.

[B]

Put them on. And you know what I want to do? I'll make an executive decision here, and you can tell me you don't want to do this and edit it out if you don't like it. But, Leroy, Underground Railroad, why don't you pay? Why don't you message us on Patreon, give us your address, we'll send you a shirt. I like that. Is that okay?

[A]

But yeah, I like that. But then the guys that want one are going to want shirts, too. We should be sending them shirts anyway.

[B]

Yeah, well, it's just we can't. We don't have the budget to. Well, hire someone to send out the shirt.

[A]

I can have that taken care of. Should we. Can we just get a box of shirts and start giving a shirt to the winner of this? Yeah, we really should. Right? But then all the people who haven't gotten shirts to this point are going to be mad.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

You can't make everyone happy.

[B]

You just.

[A]

And that's why Mondami's reign is not.

[B]

Going to work out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You just can't make everyone happy at all. Just, you know, that that's. This is the problem. Yeah. Middle East.

[A]

So just. So maybe that will happen.

[B]

So maybe that'll happen. Just email us your address and maybe me and y' all will just show up and ring your bell. I don't know. Go to. Also.

[A]

Yeah, our merch is out. Go get our merch.

[B]

History Hyenas is back. Dot com. Go get our merch. We have it up there. We also have it [e-mail]. giannisPoppasComedy.com get the merch. It is a new company. When you order it, it will be at your door very, very quick. A lot of stuff is almost sold out. So go get the merch. Especially those coffee mugs. Those Coffee Leroy mugs. Those are a hot ticket.

[A]

I, I, I have one in my.

[B]

House and I love it all the time. All right, baby, love you.