Michael Ian Black, Our Close Friend

Summary

Hollywood Handbook

Episode: Michael Ian Black, Our Close Friend
Release Date: June 9, 2026
Host: iHeartPodcasts
Guests: Michael Ian Black

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Episode Overview

This episode of Hollywood Handbook features comedic actor and writer Michael Ian Black as a guest. Hosts Sean and Hayes launch into their signature blend of industry satire and absurdist banter, taking deep dives (and comedic detours) into the politics of shame, podcast guest etiquette, acting technique, and an epic brainstorm for a new media property involving NFTs, Curious George, and Mountain Dew. Throughout, Michael matches the hosts' style, offering both playful and insightful commentary on performance, collaboration, and the high price of memories in showbiz and life.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Society’s Turn Toward Shame and the Dean Norris “Sex Gifts” Incident

[01:20–05:00]

• Sean introspects on when society became "puritanical," referencing The Handmaid’s Tale as a cautionary parallel.
• The trio discusses actor Dean Norris's infamous “sex gifs” tweet as an "inflection point" in public shaming.
• Michael jokes about not owning a TV and only having seen the book cover of The Handmaid’s Tale, leaning into the self-seriousness of cultural commentary.
• The group encourages solidarity: “At midnight tonight, all of us…post…‘sex gifs’ in solidarity with…Dean Norris…” (Sean, [03:17]).
• Notable insight: Instead of mocking, “you get under the dome with him” (Hayes, [04:08]), spotlighting empathy over ridicule.

2. Industry Satire: NFL Concussion Protocols & the Role of the Guest

[05:15–13:16]

• A producer named Richie (off-mic) suffers a head bump, prompting a running NFL concussion protocol gag.
• Michael, “As you know, I won two rings during my time in the NFL…” ([06:56]), launches into a mock-earnest sports veteran monologue.
• Elaborate spoof on actor etiquette: Michael claims his job as a podcast guest is to “make you guys look as awesome as you can look. So if that means I come in here and I have to play dumb, what's a podcast? ... then that's what I'm gonna do” ([11:23]).
• Segment skewers self-promoting guests versus genuinely collaborative ones: “The first damn guest who understood the assignment…” (Sean, [11:59]).

3. Craft, Training, and The Imaginary “Dennis Leary” Lear

[15:48–24:25]

• Michael parodies actorly pretension, explaining his “classically trained” projection: “I speak in FLAC…not mp3 because the sound quality is better” ([17:10]).
• Deep-dive into acting technique—who are you projecting to in the “back of the house”? Michael supplies an elaborate backstory: "It's a 12 year old person of color... terminal illness... starting to think for the first time about what do I want to do with my life..." ([22:52]).
• Hosts riff on the price of art and memory, debating $650 tickets and “pay what you can”—the loophole being you must “know somebody…who can help me” ([28:06]).
• Quote: “How much should a memory cost? ... Probably 800 bucks, right?” (Sean, [25:04])

4. Hollywood Industry Bits, Podcast History, and Showbiz Realities

[30:28–33:39]

• The hosts and Michael reminisce about the early days at Earwolf and the evolution of podcasting.
• On the inescapability of showbiz: “I didn’t choose this. It chose me.” (Michael, [32:06])

5. Bored Apes, Curious George, and the Ultimate Crossover IP

[33:01–47:09]

• Satirical brainstorm about the future of NFTs: Michael insists he’s “buying on the dip. I keep buying. I think those bored apes are coming back.” ([33:07])
• Launches into a feverish collaboration idea: Curious George as an NFT, merged with Mountain Dew branding, Jack Black voice acting, and a “banana” flavor release.
• The group invents “Curious Ape George,” with vivid cross-licensing plans involving Minions, Cynthia Erivo, and even a villain named Gumi.
• “Are we getting suits while we’re there…? ... you are actually converting that [Lost in Translation] relationship at the end and not a little. Yeah, it’s not ...” ([43:21–43:54])
• Michael’s comedic business sense: “People should have to pay 800 bucks because minions. Monsters. That’s a DreamWorks property.” ([43:00])

6. Reflections on Truth, Comedy, and Performance

[48:12–48:48]

• Michael wraps with some semi-sincere reflection: “My commitment to this craft has always been about the truth and only the truth. Sometimes the truth is funny... sometimes the truth can hurt. But in the end…” ([48:12])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [03:17] Sean: “We need to post… ‘sex gifs’ in solidarity with the actor Dean Norris… Maybe he meant to type it into a search bar and everyone shamed him.”
• [04:08] Hayes: “And you get under the dome with him. That's what Breen says. Do you see that?”
• [11:23] Michael: “My job is to make you guys look as awesome as you can look. So if that means I have to play dumb, what’s a podcast? … then that's what I'm gonna do.”
• [17:10] Michael: “Please tell your production staff that I speak in FLAC … I don’t use mp3 because the sound quality is better.”
• [22:52] Michael: “It’s a 12 year old person of color ... she’s got a terminal illness ... She doesn’t know she’s going to be dead in six months. I want to make sure Olivia can hear every word.”
• [25:01] Sean: “How much should a memory cost? ... Probably 800 bucks, right?”
• [28:06] Michael: “People who can’t afford it. Who can help me.”
• [32:06] Michael: “No, I didn’t choose this. It chose me.”
• [34:32] Michael: “What about a collab between Curious Ape, Curious Ape George … you nailed it. Curious George.”
• [48:12] Michael: “My commitment to this craft has always been about the truth and only the truth. Sometimes the truth is funny... sometimes we get a little chuckle. And that's okay.”

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Key Segments & Timestamps

• Opening and Societal Satire / Dean Norris Sex Gifts: [01:20–05:00]
• NFL and The Seriousness of Podcast Guest Protocol: [05:15–13:16]
• Craft and Classically Trained Actor/Projection: [15:48–19:47]
• Imaginary “Dennis Leary” Lear and Audience Member Backstory: [19:55–24:25]
• The True Cost of “Memory” / Ticket Prices Controversy: [25:01–28:06]
• Podcast Industry & Life Choices: [30:28–33:39]
• NFT Business Brainstorm: Curious Ape George et al.: [33:01–47:09]
• Meta-Reflection on Truth and Comedy: [48:12–48:48]

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Episode Highlights

• Self-aware, meta humor about the podcasting industry and the role of guests.
• Absurd but pointed satirical takes on Hollywood “pay to play,” branding, and collabs.
• An extended bit about ticket prices, memory, and access/exclusivity in the arts.
• Hilarious riffing on NFTs, Bored Apes, Cross-IP cinema, and fake business dealings.
• Michael Ian Black’s comedic versatility as both enabler and subverter of host insanity.
• Moments of real insight into collaboration and performance, disguised as parody.

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For those new to the show or episode:
Expect lightning-quick comedic exchanges, densely-layered in-jokes, and inspired, unpredictable digressions. Michael Ian Black showcases sharp improvisational chops, riffing on ego, craft, and the business of being entertaining—without ever taking himself (or Hollywood) too seriously.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[B]

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[C]

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[D]

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[D]

So I was thinking this morning about where we kind of went wrong societally one second. And where we, where we diverged from the kind of righteous path and got to this place we are in. Where it is this puritanical sort of shame based culture.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And there's. I mean it's handmaid tale. It's essentially Handmaid tale all the way. It's like. I mean if you extend it, you know, to its logical conclusion and how do we fight back? And Michael, I'd like you to participate because I do think that I can actually topic. Well, I can pinpoint the tail. Do you watch this?

[C]

I don't, I don't own a television. I don't watch television.

[B]

Michael.

[D]

But have you been to a. A lot of times they have them in restaurants.

[C]

I've read the Margaret Atwood novel.

[D]

Uhuh.

[B]

Yeah. Have you seen that?

[D]

Have you seen that? Have you seen this? The novel cover?

[C]

Yeah, I've seen a novel. I have the book cover to cover.

[B]

I've seen every word. Seen every word.

[D]

There's not a word in it he hasn't seen. I've seen some of the names I haven't seen.

[C]

Yeah, but I loved it. I loved it. I haven't read it, but I loved it.

[D]

Yes. And it's so important and I, and I. And it's a warning. And as I look at our own. And obviously the art is reflecting life. As I look at our own journey societally, what I'm realizing is we have an opportunity to push back. And I think that at midnight tonight, all of us and anybody else, we can get in on this. We need to post. I don't have an account on this thing anymore, but we need to post on X. Formerly Twitter.

[C]

Two words.

[D]

Sex gifts. In solidarity with the actor Dean Norris, who played Hank Schrader on Breaking Bad, who, I suppose accidentally tweeted this one day. Maybe he meant to type it into a search bar and everyone shamed him.

[B]

That was the.

[D]

And they clowned on him and they laughed at him.

[B]

That was the inflection point.

[D]

That was the inflection point. Where from that point forward, it's. It's all, okay, well, how do we put that toothpaste back in the tube where you're not allowed to try to search for sex gifts and accidentally post it publicly and not never take it down? Is that what we're saying?

[B]

And instead of when someone's in the pit, instead of pointing and saying, that guy's in the pit, isn't he from Breaking Bad? You.

[D]

And under the dome.

[B]

And you get under the dome with him.

[D]

Get under the dome.

[B]

And that's Breen. That's what Breen says. Do you see that?

[D]

Have you seen.

[C]

That's going to be on this podcast. I thought, oh, this will be a fun industry podcast. We'll have laughs, joke around. I didn't realize it was going to get this deep this quick.

[B]

We didn't either. Like, this is the world we live in. You know what I mean?

[D]

We don't plan this, Mike. What we gotta do is we'd love

[B]

to go back to laughing and chopping it up, but like this, like, the world won't let us these days.

[C]

Yeah, it's so important that we, you know, a lot of people. A lot of people's attention is focused on what's going on in, like, Washington, D.C. yeah, but not enough people, I feel like, are paying attention to what's going on in D. Norris's search.

[D]

That part on his timeline.

[C]

And does it raise uncomfortable questions? Is that why people are maybe avoiding it? Yeah, it does.

[B]

But.

[C]

But. But if we don't confront those questions, we don't make progress. We don't move forward.

[D]

You know, I didn't want to look at it at first, Mike, because I see myself. That's why I didn't want to look at it, because I See me, I

[B]

was looking right back at a lot of the gifts.

[D]

Yeah, I see myself in the gifts.

[B]

Richie, are you okay?

[D]

So, Richie, so just so you know, because you're not in the room with us.

[B]

So Richie just sustained a. He was a grievous head injury.

[D]

He was trying to crawl under the monitor that we're looking at you on, and he. He stood up too early, and he really broadsided this thing with his. With his shoulder blade, and it looked really painful. And so. And I think he's gonna adjust the camera a little bit. And now we're back in.

[B]

Can you get on camera, Richie? So. So Michael can see your ears.

[D]

Just want to say hi just so he knows that you're healthy and you're fine. Okay.

[B]

Michael took a couple tries, but we got the angle.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

Michael is an empath, and so that actually really hurt him.

[C]

Richie.

[D]

So he's going to put his headphones out.

[B]

Richie, Michael's talking to you to do you a favor.

[C]

I'm back on.

[B]

He said, will you do me a favor? You respond, please.

[D]

The answer is yes, Richie.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yes. My own. My own peace of mind. Will you go through the NFL concussion protocol?

[D]

I'd be a lot more comfortable. Richie. Casey, we got a blue tent over there.

[C]

This isn't the kind of.

[B]

Because we don't need to see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I would. I would get. I would get one of the team doctors out here. Toot suite and get some Gatorade. If we're doing the NFL protocols. Let's get some Gatorade again. I think the blue tent is a great idea.

[D]

Did you consult. Did you consult on those protocols? Michael, I know it's a passion of yours. You're a bit of a armchair medical boss.

[C]

As you know, I won two rings during my time in the NFL. And when. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. That people who aren't professional football players,

[D]

what do they get wrong? Yeah, what do they get wrong

[C]

when you suit up for an NFL?

[D]

Gladiators are gladiators.

[A]

We.

[C]

They're gladiators.

[D]

They're modern day gladiators.

[C]

In the back of our heads when we say we're going to leave it all out on the field. That's not. That's not hyperbole.

[D]

It's not a terrible phrase that. That might mean your life.

[C]

That's right. And talk. When we talk.

[D]

And he froze.

[C]

That's also. That's also another.

[B]

I don't think he did freeze. I think he's processing that.

[D]

And I Think what might be happening is he's choosing his words extremely carefully, which we always encourage.

[C]

We do Tuck and. But when we go out there, we know that we might not come back.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Once we leave the game.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. Once. Once guys are beat up and battered and retired or they get caught, then you start thinking about, oh, geez, what was I doing to my body? And then as an ex player.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Although you're never really out of the game. You know what I mean? Once you're in, you're in. Once you're an ex player, your attention starts focusing on the guys coming up. And they don't want to hear about the concussions. They don't want to hear about the injuries because for them, they're still in Gladiator.

[B]

They're invincible. Oh, nothing's ever going to happen to me.

[D]

Right.

[C]

They think they're in. And you have to have that mindset.

[D]

You don't want to look at that part of it. Yes. Because. Because you can't play scared.

[C]

No.

[D]

Not in this game.

[C]

No. This is war, guys. This is war out there. And yeah, when I was throwing my body around when I was winning those two rings, I wasn't worried about concussions. I wasn't worried about my knees. I wasn't worried about my meniscus. I wasn't worried about any of it.

[D]

You were back at the damn W and you did.

[C]

And the guy to my right, and I was using camera left and camera right, brothers.

[B]

That's. And that's Richie's job too, which is what they call. It's kind of a new profession. They don't really have a name for it yet. They just call it Richie's job. They don't know what it is, but it. He sits over there and he is. Is wearing eye black. He has Bruce 214 written on it. Which is a passage from a book that he wants us to read.

[D]

It's a good book.

[B]

It might be.

[C]

Is it the novella of Bruce Almighty?

[B]

I think it might be a novella of Bruce Almighty, which he thinks is the Bible. Is that possible?

[D]

I know Bruce Valanch released a book not that long ago, and I was curious whether that was the Bruce in question. But we are thinking it's Bruce Almighty.

[B]

I mean, just because of. It's like related to being God. I don't know.

[C]

Bruce Blanche is also related to God.

[D]

I mean. I mean, Jesus Christ, God of the one liner. It's like, yeah, you. You name me a power more almighty when it comes to, you know, the wicked.

[C]

Hence, you're not going to find it. You're not going to find it.

[D]

You don't get to be center square without talking to the big man upstairs.

[C]

I don't think so.

[B]

You ever done one of these before, Mike?

[C]

One of which? One of what?

[B]

One of these.

[D]

You're doing one of these? Done one of these. Bad birds brother.

[C]

Have I done a podcast with popping

[D]

your cherry hair brother or what?

[B]

Yeah, have you done a podcast?

[D]

You ever done one of these things?

[C]

This is my first. Is that what you want to hear? This is my first.

[B]

And yeah, I. I wish more you wouldn't know that you would. So many people coming in here and saying, oh yeah, oh ye.

[D]

I've had my own two or three podcasts.

[B]

Oh, a podcast, right. Yeah. And you can, like, it's okay. They want to seem like they're old hands at this. Whatever. It feels like it's my first time every time too.

[D]

You don't got to put on a show for us. It's. It's all love.

[C]

Here's the thing, guys.

[D]

Tell me the thing, please.

[C]

This is obviously important for you. And when I walk through your door and I wipe my feet on your welcome mat and I sit down in the studio and we have this interview, my job, the way I see it, is to support you. My job is to make you guys look as awesome as. As you can look. So if that means I come in here and I have to play dumb, what's a podcast? No, I've never done a podcast before then. And that's what I'm gonna do.

[D]

The first damn guest who understood the assignment. You know what I mean? We do. There's a lot of people who. And we talk about this. They come on to do a show, Michael, and they say, what can I get right? What's there for me?

[B]

I'm here.

[D]

Something out of this.

[B]

I have a TV show I want people to watch.

[D]

Yeah, can I tell. Can I talk to people about my book or my project or my podcast?

[B]

Riz Ahmed, by the way, when Riz

[C]

was there, by the way, a podcast or a television program, what have you to be interviewed. What about you, new about the host?

[D]

Well, the host is there every week, so people are tuning in for the host.

[C]

That's the show for some random jerk off actor who, you know, was. Was the second supporting lead on some CW dramedy from 1994. They're there to see you. And if, and if. If that actor or actress shows up and they contribute a little something, they sprinkle a little stardust so much the better. But that's not why people are tuning in. They're tuning in for you guys. That's why. That's why I'm here.

[D]

Well, it's the same damn thing that happened to you when you were on the field in the NFL, which is, I'm going to do my fucking job.

[C]

That's right.

[D]

You could come with me, or you can be in my way. But if you're in my way, you're getting steamrolled.

[C]

Well, let's.

[B]

Let's support you in supporting us. Just so we're all on the same page about, like, what works and what's.

[D]

Hey, one hand, wash the other.

[B]

Everyone here. Everyone here is, like, pretty nice.

[D]

I can do it.

[B]

The heart with the hands.

[D]

I was trying to. I almost had it, but my other fingers were in the way.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, and you can do.

[C]

Yes, you have to. You have to wrap all your fingers, and then you get a perfect little Taylor Swift.

[D]

Oh, that's so good.

[B]

Let's meet everyone real quick. You met Richie. He might have forgotten because of the head injury.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

This is rich. Do not let him go to sleep. Don't let him shut his eyes. Do not let him go to sleep. I'll try and stay awake.

[D]

Blood's drying up a little bit, too. But who else we got today?

[B]

Casey's in there.

[D]

The way I knew Casey was in the booth. And again, you're not here, which is fine. Do this all the time. The way I knew it was Casey was when Richie went to get on camera. There are three cameras in here. And Casey tried the other two first. Yep. And so I said, well, I know who's working the booth today, because when he leaned in front and you probably felt this, we saw fully his back and ass. Then we saw just a piece of his shoulder, and then we got his face. And Casey likes to build suspense. He likes to build tension. And it's something that can't be taught. You know, that drama in the podcasting

[C]

space, that's just classic story structure, and we have to applaud that.

[B]

And can I tell you something? That a reputation.

[C]

I'd rather you didn't. So let's just put a pin in that so that.

[D]

Hold on to Michael.

[B]

Michael, let me rephrase that.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I feel I must tell you something.

[C]

Ah, okay.

[D]

Oh, he has no choice, then.

[B]

Something you've built in your career that I've noticed.

[C]

Is it the Lego Millennium Falcon?

[B]

It's a little like that. Michael, usually when someone comes on the zoom, Casey and Kevin and the other producers like to make sure that they're wearing headphones, that they're using a recording app or something like that.

[D]

It's endless, the amount of futzing they will do with these guests in order to get some sort of, like, quality recording from them. They also. They forbid us from talking for a lot of it.

[B]

Your presence has created an environment of the first time ever where they have just shut the fuck up and let the show just happen.

[D]

You have neutralized two of our greatest enemies, our producer and our engineer.

[B]

Have you built that? You have to understand Brick.

[C]

You have to understand something. I'm a classically trained actor, so when I speak to you, I'm using the entire instrument.

[B]

Yes, part.

[C]

Right. So what does the microphone do? The microphone amplifies it. You know, it digitizes it. Sense. I don't need that because I'm classically trained. So when I breathe from the diaphragm,

[D]

back of the house, Right.

[C]

I'm projecting as a classically trained actor. And that projection goes through the Internet and out on your side.

[B]

You can speak in a high definition, lossless vocal tone. Yes, the same way. Larry Olivier, by the way. To the back of the proscenium.

[D]

We don't need quick time because your timing is impeccable.

[C]

Please tell your production staff that I speak in flack. I use that methodology. I don't know what you call it. I use. I use that format, Michael.

[B]

It's called podcast.

[C]

I don't use mp3 because the sound quality is better. So when I speak, it's in flack.

[D]

Michael, will you invite me into your mind palace for a moment? Who do you imagine in the back of the house as you're projecting? And I know these tricks because you are classically trained and you're not just talking to some nameless, faceless audience member back there. There's a memory you're accessing, and there's an individual that we speak to, a woman. And it's a woman. And it has to be.

[C]

Of course, it's who.

[D]

And it's getting. It could be your grandma. It could be a sexual partner. You know, we could talk about that. We can talk about that here.

[C]

Now. So now we're getting into process and craft, and if we may, a lot of actors are reluctant to talk about the process because especially now, they want you to see. They want you to see the finished performance, you know?

[D]

Well, not only that. Not only that. Not only that, Michael, but they want to pull the ladder back up behind them, don't they? Don't they pull the ladder back up. Michael. Where they say, where they say, where they say, where they say, oh, only for me. Only I get to have some. Only I enjoy the toys and what I've always respect, what I've always admired. And I know I'm interrupting you. Is that you? Go, everybody get in here. There are plenty to go around.

[B]

Take the ladder and throw a rope down as well.

[D]

Yeah, here's the ladder. And by the way, actually, I built a whole fucking escalator. It's not working right now, but it's

[B]

there so you can rest the ladder and they can grip the ladder as the ladder itself is carried up the escalator. And there's a rope just in case.

[D]

And a rope with a bucket, too.

[C]

I guess we need to hoist something. We need a pulley system as well. So important, you guys, and so critical.

[D]

But I interrupted you.

[C]

I'm so glad. No, it's an important point you made, and I'm glad. I'm glad you. You raised it. Now, I do want to just put a quick caveat into what you said, because I agree with everything that you're saying. However, want to make sure the audience, your audience understands that when we talk about constructing an escalator. Oh, yeah, those guys using union labor.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I just want everybody. I want to be very clear about

[B]

that because otherwise they. They will honor me. Extremely violent.

[C]

I don't. I don't. I don't want. I don't want them picketing my mind palace.

[D]

I'm not a bad actor

[C]

when I am projecting. Let's say I'm at the Old Vic. Let's say I'm doing Lear again. There's a couple things going on. Obviously, I'm in my given circumstances, and Lear. I'm addressing my daughters.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm going. I'm slowly going mad. I'm. I'm aged. I'm. I'm. I'm imperious.

[B]

Can we just. Can we just explain to the, like, the audience, you know, try to remember the audience. He's talking about Dennis Leary, as you.

[D]

Yes, as you mention the audience. We also want to bring them in.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And this is a famous rant that he went on that is now performed. It's a rant to his daughters.

[D]

Yeah. And he's talking about the sort of modern phenomenon of the Starbucks Ification of society. And it's a beautiful monologue. It's a beautiful piece, but it is, you know, it builds to this crescendo of. It's smoke a frappa chocolate Can I get a cup of coffee? You know what happened to a cup of mud? A cup of joe and just drip coffee, please. And the, and his daughters, of course, are silent.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Well, what people don't know, if you've never seen Leary, it's, it's, it's performed all over the world, as you said, I think last count. It's in almost every, it's been translated into almost every, every language.

[B]

Yeah, all the good ones.

[C]

But yeah, they did not then. They do not.

[D]

It just does not work.

[B]

It just.

[D]

Yeah, it's like they don't, they haven't cracked it. It's not for lack of trying.

[C]

And what people don't know is if you haven't seen it, the play is performed. One performer, in this case me, I'm playing all the parts. So I'm playing Dennis Leary. I'm playing the daughters. I'm playing. I'm playing the Frappuccino at a certain point. And the barista.

[D]

The pretentious barista.

[C]

Yes, the anxious barista. There's 23 different characters in the Thing. It's a three and a half hour show. It's taxing, it's exhausting. And so, yes, I'm keeping my given circumstances in mind, but I'm also cognizant of the fact that we've asked these people, this audience, to pay $650 per ticket.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

To sit for three and a half

[D]

hours and a steal at twice the price.

[C]

I want to make sure everybody can. Has a perfect eyeline. I want to make sure everybody can hear me and I want to make sure that woman who you referenced in the back row is just as invested as all of the celebrities in the front row. Because obviously when I do, Larry, you know, you get, you get, you get a victory.

[D]

There's going. Yeah, there's going to be sort of.

[C]

The Obamas are going to show up, right.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Vince Vaughn is there three times a week. I don't know why.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Himself is often there. But in my mind, who I'm speaking to isn't, isn't my grandmother. It's not a sexual partner. It's a 12 year old person of color. She's. Thank you. Seventh grade. She's starting to think for the first time about what do I want to do with my life, what do I want to be?

[D]

Is she sick or something? Is she wounded? Something bad happened?

[C]

Oh, yeah, no, she's, she's got a terminal illness.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, no.

[C]

Yeah, it's true. And, and, but she does the parents Are like, her parents are like, you know, Olivia, you're going to be fine. You know, we just, we just need to get this way. She's not going to be fine. So she's thinking, what am I going to do with my life? She doesn't know she's going to be dead in six months. I want to make sure Olivia can hear every word, understand every word, and is able to forget about her terminal illness. She doesn't know he's terminal. She thinks it's just going to be chronic for those three and a half hours. That's who I'm thinking about.

[B]

12 year old minority, Olivia Wilde. But if she were a person of

[C]

color and probably questioning her own sexuality

[B]

with a terminal illness that she thinks is chronic, she's become vicarious directing and acting chops. But that will never be realized unbeknownst to all, except you, the performer, who is getting a read on every single person in that.

[D]

And people say Lear is a tragedy, you know, and there's also a tragedy taking place in the back of the, in the back of the audience for you. I want to touch on ticket prices because you mentioned $650 a ticket for the back of the balcony. There's been some criticism. You come under fire a little bit for the, for the sort of inflated, you know, cost. And people think maybe they were talking about secondary markets. And it's not.

[B]

No, it's not that.

[D]

This is face value. And I have a question I want to pose.

[B]

I'm bringing my face value and you know what I'm talking about.

[D]

Yeah, the value of the face is quite high. There's a question I want to pose to your critics. And you don't have to even be here for this part if you want to go get a glass of water or something. How much should a memory cost? How much should a memory cost? Can you put a price on a memory? I'd be probably 800 bucks, right?

[C]

You can't. Well, I mean, you can.

[D]

Yeah, of course you do.

[C]

Like we know what, we got a pizza the other night and it was 35 bucks. So I remember that.

[B]

Yeah. Right.

[D]

So it could be 35 bucks. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

I mean, with tip it was 35.

[D]

Depends on the memory too, I guess. Yeah, depends on which one. Some of them are free.

[C]

I would like to say something to those critics too, because obviously I hear the criticism.

[D]

Should I turn the volume down on me? Because I know you could get a little, A little bit. Well, I can fire up, you know, because it's, it's by the way they're coming for, you know, your livelihood.

[B]

The.

[C]

Yeah. What they don't know, what those critics don't know is yes, the tickets started. $650.

[D]

Sorry, start with. What they do know. It'll be a shorter episode right there. A lot they don't know.

[B]

If the whole episode were us saying.

[D]

If the whole episode was filling in one of these two, you know, categories.

[B]

If that were like with these critics, we were restricted talking about that. That would be a very short.

[D]

We're obviously going to cover.

[B]

We like to wander around a little bit and like, we go on tangents.

[D]

We'll cover other stuff. And we have.

[B]

If we were under the.

[D]

Under the very strict, you know, sort of constriction. Strict constriction. That can't be right.

[B]

But at any rate, we wouldn't do

[D]

that if we were only doing one of them. I'm just supporting you, but go ahead. What is it that they don't know?

[C]

What they don't know is, yes, the tickets start at $650 and they. And they go up from there. What they don't know is that I insisted that we set aside a block of tickets every single performance for people who can't afford to pay those kinds of prices. So we set aside an entire block of two tickets for people who. Who just pay what.

[B]

Pay what they can and have like industry connections of some kind. Like, who know.

[C]

You need to know somebody, right?

[B]

You absolutely know someone and know someone who, like, it would be advantageous for you as a performer in your career to potentially anybody walk to the door, right?

[C]

No, no, no, no, no, no. When I said people who can't afford it, I was hoping it was implied.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

People who can't afford it. Who can help me?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they do. They. They don't want to pay, but they know somebody who. Yeah.

[A]

Hollywood Handbook.

[D]

Why is it always chaos when we link up?

[C]

Cuz nobody plans anything, bro.

[D]

Good thing the Rogue's ready like that for real. Rain, dirt, whatever. Available all wheel drive, five modes. We still outside. And they got some kick too.

[C]

That turbo torque is crazy.

[D]

The most in its class.

[C]

It moves. Moves.

[D]

Rogue doesn't mess around and peep the space merch on merch. Gear mics. All of it fits.

[B]

Load up.

[C]

We out.

[D]

2026 Nissan Rogue built for all of it. Auto Pacific segmentation 2026 Rogue vs latest in market competitors in the X SUV mainstream midsize class, excluding electrical vehicles based on manufacturer websites. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone. Paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying.

[B]

No judgments.

[D]

But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[A]

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[C]

Are you really buying a car online on Autotrader right now?

[A]

Really?

[C]

At a playground?

[A]

Yeah, really. Look at these listings from dealers.

[C]

Wow, your search can really get that specific.

[A]

Really?

[C]

And you just put in your info and boom, car's in your budget.

[A]

Mom needs a second. Honey.

[C]

You can really have it delivered.

[A]

Really? Or I can pick it up at the dealership. One sec, sweetie. Mommy's buying a car.

[C]

I think your kid is walking up the slide, Kyle.

[A]

Again? Really? Auto trader. Buy your car online? Really?

[D]

Hollywood handbook Michael Director or something.

[B]

Yeah, talk about not being able to put a price on a memory. I'm remembering when we were colleagues together at Earwolf.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

When you were doing Mike and Tom eats snacks and topics and bit of a reunion. Asked you if you've done one of these before. Obviously the game has changed. One of these is not the same as one of those.

[D]

Have you done a podcast? Yeah. Have you done one of these?

[B]

But like, it's a little different. Like if I could go back and say to Earwolf me, like what this was going to become, I would blow my own braids out.

[D]

I would eat a bullet. And I would say, I would say to. To younger me and I'm sure you've had these moments, I would say, if you can do literally anything else, do it. If you don't have to do this. Right, go do that.

[B]

But you know what I would say?

[D]

It's going to be hard.

[B]

What Earwolf me would say to me now? I would say, don't you Remember, old man, you can't, you can't do anything else.

[D]

Yeah. This is to pretend that it's a choice. To pretend that it's a choice is the thing that. Actually, that's the great comedy I think, that occurs sometimes in this business. There, there is still comedy being made. It's every time somebody asks you, like, when did you decide to become.

[C]

No, I didn't choose this. It chose me.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah, it chose me.

[B]

But it's different. The snacks are different.

[C]

Here's the thing, and you alluded to this before when you look like this.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

What am I gonna do? Get a job at a bank?

[B]

Face card.

[D]

Oh, great.

[B]

Black card lying around the block.

[D]

Nobody can get their money out. So yeah, that's. Oh, that's great.

[C]

What am I going to do? I'm going to work at an office. I'm going to, you know, I'm going to work with my hands. No, I'm going to work with what God gave me.

[B]

You're there so much. It's like you work there at the bank.

[C]

Well, yeah, I don't have a choice. You know, when the money comes in. The money comes in?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Laughing all the way there.

[B]

You're not going to send someone else to go get it?

[D]

You're making us laugh now. He's laughing.

[B]

They'll steal it.

[C]

No, most of my money these days is tied up in Ethereum.

[D]

Ethereum. Classic or.

[C]

Yeah, I went with classic.

[B]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's fine.

[C]

And then I've got. And then my NFT portfolio kind of took a nosedive. But I think I'm buying on the dip. I keep buying. I think those bored apes are coming back.

[D]

You can't keep a bored ape down.

[B]

There's something about. To me, bored apes are boring apes. And so that's not a quality I'm attracted to, but it's an investment.

[C]

It's an investment class. You're not, you know, you don't.

[B]

Yeah, it's not where I like to invest my time.

[D]

Boring apes get bored. I have an entire theater of my imagination going on at all times.

[B]

Oh, maybe there's a curious ape out there who was there all along that we could be investing our time in instead. And maybe we could buy his stories. It's a brand new will grow in value over time.

[D]

I don't even think you need to change the artwork. I think it's branding, I think it's language. I think it's marketing. I think, Michael, you buying up these bored apes? Go ahead and start calling them something else. Paul, I'm interested.

[B]

Ape,

[C]

you may not like this idea, but I feel like that. I feel like.

[D]

I got a feeling I will.

[B]

We might be able to get something going here.

[D]

I think I'm gonna like it.

[B]

I think the exact same thing.

[C]

I hope you will. I'm just gonna pitch this out. It just came to me now. Board. Ape. Curious Ape.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

What about a collab between Curious Ape, Curious Ape George. You nailed it. Curious George.

[B]

Somebody get it.

[D]

Take it.

[B]

Yeah, get it.

[C]

It's probably Hollywood.

[D]

Put them on speaker.

[C]

No, I'm. I'm not even gonna deal with it. Because they can wait.

[D]

They'll wait.

[B]

It'll be there.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

It just drives up my value when I don't pick it.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Sometimes you have to tell them no in order to. Really.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Curious Ape, George.

[D]

Curious Ape George.

[C]

I mean, I'm picturing Scholastic books. I'm picturing Happy meals and obviously NFTs.

[D]

I wouldn't know. I got Mountain Dew on the horn as well.

[B]

I just want to make sure it's schooltastic.

[C]

Oh. Oh, it's schooltastic.

[B]

It's not. You said it in, like, a weird way. It's school tastic.

[D]

When we're speaking extemporaneously and we're speaking so quickly, it's easy to mess up

[B]

the school tastic Book fair.

[D]

The.

[B]

Like, all that. It's. It's.

[C]

Yeah, it's not.

[B]

It's not. Whatever you said.

[D]

It's like a schoolerly schooler venture. And so I feel like we were

[C]

on a nice little. We had a nice little thing going.

[B]

I think it's nice. Let's just say, for me, I like to treat people how I like to be treated. I like to learn a little bit

[D]

of a golden rule.

[B]

I like to improve my performance. If I get something wrong, you respect me by telling me what I got wrong, understanding that I can do better.

[D]

Your mind palace has something in its teeth, essentially, and we don't want you to go out into the day and a big piece of spinach hanging out.

[B]

That part.

[C]

I definitely, like, appreciate this and hear you. And I think feedback is so important, which is why I'm going to give you some feedback. It's not called the Schoolastic Book Fair. It is called the Scholastic Book Fair and Schooltastic. I don't know where.

[B]

What would that mean?

[C]

What would it mean?

[D]

You know, the kids all got scoliosis or something. By the way, it's fine if they do.

[B]

It's like I'm. I'm saying, well, I know what School tastic. If it were real, which is that.

[D]

Which is fantastic. And it also includes a lot of these great books.

[C]

I prefer school early learning.

[D]

Well, so do we.

[B]

I like things that are correct.

[D]

All right. I. I don't want to derail the whole episode and get bogged down in this school tastic, which, you know. Which is correct. Whatever the, you know, chewing skull. Taking a big old fat dipper. A skull, you know, in. In school.

[C]

Yes. It's like not hundred times. Yes.

[D]

I don't like that.

[C]

I just feel like.

[D]

Go ahead.

[C]

Now that we've cleared the air in the scholastic school tastic, I want to circle back.

[D]

Let's get into it.

[C]

Curious ape.

[B]

Curious.

[D]

And maybe getting Mountain Dew involved. I wouldn't mind having a, you know, some. Some more established corporate backing for this.

[C]

Can we get Jack Black to voice it?

[D]

Not you having the same idea as me. Not that. No.

[B]

You having the same ideas.

[D]

Oh, not you as me too.

[C]

I think so.

[D]

Black. And he's going. And I don't do a Jack Black, but he's going, you know, like he's sort of riffing out as you doing a guitar sound with his mouth. As in Curious George and Mountain Dew is there.

[B]

Am I.

[D]

No wonder he's got so much energy.

[B]

Am I crazy for going straight to the yellow hat and thinking like, how can we 26 that? How can we take the yellow hat,

[D]

which is just a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew? It's still yellow, right? The 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew

[B]

can't make it a little more yellow.

[C]

I think we get Cynthia or Revo.

[B]

Cynthia or Revoir.

[D]

If Cynthia. If Cynthia is available. It's a big if.

[B]

Man of the yellow hat, which would be good. She's wearing a two liter bottle of Mountain Dew made to look more yellow than it. Than it currently is. And we act like it was always that color.

[C]

Doing. I think we're doing a signature flavor for the release of the film.

[B]

I think we are. Yeah.

[C]

You know, I think it's banana.

[B]

I. And I literally said it before you and it was. I literally said that before you.

[D]

Banana, you know, and now I'm part of this. I wasn't listening at the beginning of it, but we're talking about a banana now and I love that.

[C]

Why it's being yellow about it is so good. I hate that it's so good.

[D]

That's pissing me off.

[C]

I know we're coming out of that. We just got into the ballpark. We're not gonna.

[B]

Where were you?

[D]

That's what I Said I got nowhere to go from here. You know, that's what I'm worried about is like, oh, there's no way to improve it. So I, I, I, I, I. I'm really excited about the Bored Apes, Curious George collaboration, Mountain Deuce, Cynthia Erivo and Jack Black and at banana flavor. And it's just a question of. I know there's going to be a bidding war.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Do we have a favorite? Do we have somewhere we're aiming at? Because if we know that, I think we could strategize this.

[B]

Go ahead, Uni, I'm just like, Uni, I think, is going to be over this.

[C]

Yeah. My. That was my first thought.

[B]

Suni pictures.

[D]

Uni and Suni, I think, are probably the two big players in the game. I, I'd like to immediately rule out apple, because I think they're going to want to change banana to apple.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think that's.

[D]

And so. And so what I would say is.

[B]

What I would say is, and you

[D]

can't have us, by the way. That might mean them actually come over the top.

[C]

The only. I feel like the only thing left is to figure out something for Chalamet to do.

[D]

Should the minions be there?

[C]

I think so.

[D]

So the minions are there with Chalamet. It's interesting as we talk about uni, as we talk about the Minions I saw. And I don't know if you were here for this. Michael French's Mustard did an installation the other day. Monsters and Minions coming soon.

[B]

Did you go to that installation?

[D]

Were you at the installation?

[C]

No, I have not secured my tickets to the installation yet.

[D]

And I. And I. I knew you weren't there because I would have seen you because I basically set up shop and. And he shut it down. Oh, yeah. They had to drag me out of that thing.

[B]

Quite lit. Yeah.

[D]

Goomy Dominion's new friend, Gumi, little green monster who they've accidentally created. Gumi turned the mustard green.

[C]

Hmm.

[D]

For our purposes, it's not ideal. We're working in the space of yellow.

[A]

Mm.

[D]

Could the Curious George Bord Ape turn goomy yellow as a sort of revenge epic? The whole journey. Yes. Is to turn goomy yellow. Then he has to apologize to the mustard.

[B]

I'm nervous about involving Gumi at all, honestly.

[C]

Can we talk about IP real quick?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Please. Yes.

[C]

Let's introduce the monsters. Oh, my God. Hollywood.

[D]

Is that Mountain Dew or. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, it's my wife, Whitehall. Yeah, it's.

[D]

After a while, you know, talk to her.

[B]

Mike. I just want to let you know, you're killing. That's your wife? Yeah, my wife calls me a lot when I record it, Mike.

[D]

I'm listening outside the door.

[B]

I know this call. I know this call. And it's just like, don't change a damn thing.

[D]

I'm right outside the door. I'm listening to the episode. And this is why I married you.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I can't believe I get this for free.

[C]

Congratulatory call.

[D]

I can't believe I get this for free every day.

[C]

People should have to pay 800 bucks because minions. Monsters. That's a DreamWorks property.

[B]

Dominions Monsters are Illumination, which is property of Sunni Pictures.

[D]

Illumination.

[C]

Okay, so we're gonna. Okay, so I'm gonna have to do a Japan trip just to sort of hammer this out.

[B]

Yes. Are we getting suits while we're there?

[D]

And let me guess. They love you there and. It's not a guess. I'm sure of it.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, yeah. You know, don't. Don't make me do this.

[B]

Okay. It's lost in transit. Translation, you're over there. You're making money. Everything about that movie is the same, except you are actually converting that relationship

[D]

at the end and not a little. Yeah, it's not.

[B]

There's no will. They won't. They. They will and they do.

[D]

We land the plane.

[C]

Yeah, they did.

[D]

And it's a fucking jumbo jet. We land the plane on that one,

[B]

and it's a jumbo jet.

[C]

It's a jumbo jet.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And that makes. Yeah, it's just. It's. It's. It's. It's weird. I'll be honest.

[D]

It's massive.

[C]

Massive cavernous.

[D]

Yep. And we don't got to. We don't got to go any further than that.

[C]

No.

[D]

I think we've described the right amount

[C]

for gumi.

[D]

Chalamet for gumi is exactly what I think about. But Hayes said he didn't know if he wanted to get gumi.

[B]

I would love to say that solves it for me. And it does.

[D]

Yeah. So then.

[B]

And I do love it.

[D]

So just to. To very quickly recap, just to make sure, because it's for the audience and for Casey and for everyone else involved and for Richie, who you gonna be sick, Richie.

[C]

If he's. If he's throwing up, that's not good.

[B]

But that's not good.

[D]

Right?

[B]

That's not a. Like, you know, it's a day that ends in y.

[C]

Just. Just a little dizzy. But put him in an ice bath again.

[B]

This is all, like, normal.

[D]

Second weird rap.

[B]

He takes an ice bath.

[D]

He's in an ice bath. Yeah.

[B]

His eyes are crossed, but like vertically, one's going up, one's going down.

[C]

That's fine.

[D]

It's ethereum being invested into nft. It's the board. Curious Ape George.

[B]

Just Curious Ape George.

[A]

It's.

[D]

I think it's Curious Ape George. And forget the board. Although we will be speaking to the board, the board of Mountain Dew, because they're going to get involved. The two liter bottle of Mountain Dew. Cynthia Erivo's head. Jack Black is the voice of the ape. He's Riga doom, Doom, doom, doom, you know, and he's doing this. And there is goomy involved. Timothy Chalamet is goomy. As punishment for his crimes, he is being turned yellow.

[B]

Yeah. Cynthia Orivo.

[D]

Cynthia Orivo is doing the Mountain Dew

[B]

on the head with Mountain Dew on the heads. Yellow banana flavor.

[C]

And what I like about it is that it's hitting all four quadrants. Yeah, it's hitting everybody.

[D]

We're going uni, we're going suni, we're going to Japan. The property, which is division of SUNY is illumination. Looking at the landscape of media right now, should we do Abomination and get Blum in here?

[B]

Get Blum.

[D]

Can you get Jason Blum on the horn for me? I mean, is horror hot right now? Are you looking at these box office numbers?

[C]

I'm sweating looking at the box office numbers.

[B]

That's scary.

[C]

It's scary how hot horror films are,

[D]

scary how much money they're making. And so I think that we do want to. And go. Me is a monster, by the way, so we can do this. We may want him to be tortured and killed or something like that, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Mm.

[B]

The show is called have I Got News for you. Us. It's on right now. It's on their TV right now. They turn it on. It's on.

[C]

Well, we're on hiatus right now. It's on. It's on the. It's on the Cable News Network and we're on hiatus until the fall. So if you turn your TV on right now. I don't know. I don't know what's on your tv, but all different.

[D]

I'll turn on and wait.

[B]

That's the magic of it. Every person's individual TV has a different.

[D]

Well, Michael doesn't even have movie on it. You don't even have one. No, but if they. But if they crack open just to a random page of Margaret Atwood's Handmaid Tale, perhaps they will be able to through Osmosis Ingest some of what you are transmitting on this show. Yeah. The warnings. The truth.

[C]

Yeah. My commitment to this craft has always been about the truth and only the truth. So sometimes, look, sometimes the truth is funny. Sometimes we get a little chuckle. And that's okay.

[D]

Better than it's nice.

[C]

It's nice, right? It feels good.

[D]

No, it's nice.

[C]

Sometimes the truth can hurt. And that doesn't feel good. But in the end.

[D]

Sorry.

[B]

Bye. Bye.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

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[B]

You could literally be adored by everyone

[D]

and then come home and still get

[B]

completely ignored by your own cat. It's classic cat behavior. But new Shiba Premium Puree is a

[D]

lickable treat that changes all that. They're protein rich, made with bone broth

[B]

and have the smooth, creamy texture cats go crazy for. Especially when it's hand fed. Yeah, it's more than a treat. It's a fast pass to favorite human status. So feed your cat Sheba and go from totally ignored to truly adored in

[D]

just 12 days guaranteed or your money back. Learn more at Shiba.com why is it always chaos when we link up?

[C]

Cuz nobody plans anything, bro.

[D]

Good thing the Rogue's ready like that for real. Rain, dirt, whatever available all wheel drive, five modes. We still outside. And they got some kick too. That turbo torque is crazy. The most in its class.

[B]

It moves.

[C]

Moves.

[D]

Rogue doesn't mess around and peep the space merch on merch. Gear mics, all the fits.

[B]

Load up, we out.

[D]

2026 Nissan Rogue built for all of it. Auto Pacific segmentation 2026 Rogue vs latest in market Competitors in the EX SUV mainstream midsize class excluding electrical vehicles based on manufacturer websites. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone. Paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just 15amonth. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying no judgment, but that's weird. Okay, one judgment. Anyway, give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront

[A]

payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail] this is an iHeart podcast.

[B]

Guaranteed human.