01-09-26 - Miami Wins Thrilling Fiesta Bowl - What Did Bret Think Of Book Of Mormon - Douglas Emails How He Knows John Is Gay Because He Loves Musicals And Reminding Us Of Art Guys In School Who People Thought Were Gay Too

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Episode Summary

Episode: 01-09-26
Date: January 9, 2026
Main Theme:
The crew recaps a dramatic Miami win over Ole Miss in the Fiesta Bowl, dives into an enthusiastic review of the musical "The Book of Mormon," and has a lively conversation about how affinity for musicals and artistic pursuits are—sometimes absurdly—interpreted as indicators of sexuality. Nostalgic stories about art students and the intersection of art, sexuality, and youth fill out the episode, punctuated by plenty of signature irreverent humor.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Miami Wins the Fiesta Bowl (05:17 – 07:07)

• Recap:
  • John Holmberg congratulates visiting Miami and Ole Miss fans, wishing them a safe trip home and joking about Arizona’s less-than-ideal weather.
  • The hosts discuss the strong showing of Ole Miss fans in the crowd compared to Miami, referencing red as the dominant color in the stadium (05:24).
  • John conveys his enjoyment of the playoff format over regular college season "cupcake games."
  • Critical analysis of the game-ending Hail Mary and how pass interference is essentially ignored in such chaotic moments:

    "The game ends with a clear pass interference. But Hail Marys, you don’t get those. I mean, it’s just dudes tackling each other trying to get a football." (06:29, John Holmberg)

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The Book of Mormon: Brett’s First Impression (07:07 – 11:17)

• Theatrical Praise:
  • John's high recommendation sends Brett to the show, who is thoroughly impressed:

    "I don’t think it’s possible [to overhype it]. It may have been underhyped ... some of the stuff I was just like, what the—" (07:10, Brett Vesely)

  • John and Brett detail the show’s sharp satire and the way its shock value enhances, rather than detracts from, the message (07:16 – 07:59).
  • Vivid, comedic recall of favorite numbers and characters (Hitler, Johnny Cochran, "Spooky Mormon Hell Dream"), with both Brett and John in stitches over Brett’s reactions:

    "The part where they mention... well, they say the C word in the most perfect way I’ve ever heard in my life because that’s where you get to kick God. And I was dying." (07:16, John Holmberg)

  • Brett shares that his wife, from Salt Lake City, especially appreciated the in-jokes and insider references (10:50).

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Homophobia and Affinity for Musicals (11:17 – 14:57)

• Douglas’ Email:
  • John reads a hyperbolically homophobic email from a listener, "Douglas," who equates love of Broadway and musicals with being gay (11:45).

    "Holmberg, you eat dicks for breakfast. ... Wrote it yesterday is proof your fingers have explored the darkest spaces of a man’s body." (11:45, Email from Douglas)

  • The crew satirically riffs on Douglas’ logic, calling out the absurdity and internal insecurity implied in such stereotypes:

    "If something can make you gay, guess what? You’re gay. That made me gay. I liked it." (14:32, John Holmberg)

  • Brett admits even he questioned his own “Twinkie” status attending his first Broadway show, but emphasizes its hilarity and brilliance (13:03).

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Artistic Expression = Gay? Reflections & High School Memories (15:00 – 30:48)

• Art as a 'Sign' of Sexuality:
  • John regales the group with memories of art students (particularly Haim Sanchez), who’d slip explicit caricatures of teachers and classmates into their sketchbooks (19:07+).
  • Discusses the odd social perception that boys who draw are automatically labeled as "gay” or “weird," especially if they draw nudes or female anatomy—with much irreverent storytelling.

    "There was a kid in class who was a jock and ... he thought Haim was gay because he drew, like, little artist crap..." (21:29, John Holmberg)

  • To reinforce their point, John jokes about James Cameron drawing Kate Winslet naked in Titanic being universally praised as 'art' instead of what it so obviously was—a way to get a hot actress to pose nude for him (26:29 – 36:17).

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Musings on Art, Perception, and Sexuality (30:48 – 35:27)

• Art vs. Pervert:
  • Holmberg expounds: If a non-artist draws someone nude, it’s “perverted,” but if you’re officially an artist or director—suddenly it’s “artistic.”

    "If anybody’s ever drawn you naked, they’re weirdos. End of story." (28:05, John Holmberg)

  • Mentions numerous acquaintances who used art as an excuse for sexual curiosity.

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The Trauma of Sports Fandom (39:20 – 41:59)

• Ravens Loss and Kid’s Reaction:
  • John gleefully describes a viral clip of a young Ravens fan breaking down in tears after their team’s playoff elimination—using it as an allegory for the emotional hazards of sports fandom.

    "Amazing to watch an 8-year-old boy emotionally damaged, maybe for a year at least... His little 8 years had never seen that yet." (39:21, John Holmberg)

  • The group jokes about the emotional support provided by the boy’s mom and how a dad’s reaction would have been a lot less sympathetic.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Broadway Stereotypes:
  "Gay people are hilarious sometimes. ... And they’re very flamboyant, which is what you want in a live stage performance is people who are really, you know, you need to gay." (13:11, John Holmberg)

• Satire on Sexual Insecurity:
  "How insecure are you with yourself? If you have to wonder if you’re—I better swallow some man juice because that was pretty entertaining. ... If something can make you gay, guess what? You’re gay." (14:32, John Holmberg)

• The Joy of Stomping on Ravens Fans’ Dreams:
  "There’s nothing better than a crying Ravens kid under the age of 10. No empathy." (41:05, John Holmberg)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Miami Fiesta Bowl Recap:
  05:17 – 07:07

• Book of Mormon Review:
  07:07 – 11:17

• Reading the Homophobic Listener Email:
  11:45 – 12:29

• Discussion on Musicals and Sexuality:
  12:29 – 14:57

• Art Students in School & Their Reputation:
  19:07 – 24:20

• James Cameron, Broadway, and “Artistic” Nudity:
  26:29 – 36:17

• Viral Ravens Kid, Sports Trauma:
  39:20 – 41:59

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Tone & Style

The tone is irreverent, self-deprecating, and rapid-fire—a blend of nostalgia, shock humor, and deadpan parody. The hosts riff fluently off each other, unafraid to tackle taboo topics while deftly lampooning outdated stereotypes and attitudes. The conversation is lively, unapologetically crass at times, but leavened by genuine insight into fandom, memory, and masculine insecurity.

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For New Listeners

This episode encapsulates Holmberg’s Morning Sickness: a rapid mix of sports, pop culture, offbeat nostalgia, and unapologetic comedy. Whether you’re here for football, musical theater, or outlandish junior high stories, the hosts’ signature blend of crude jokes and sharp insight delivers consistent entertainment—assuming you can keep up.

Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[Byron]

Brett, the last thing you want to.

[John Holmberg]

Do is sell the gun to someone.

[Byron]

Who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at.

[John Holmberg]

Risk and come into M and P.

[Byron]

Guns where he'll get a fair offer.

[John Holmberg]

And he can rest easy knowing it's.

[Byron]

Not getting into the wrong hands.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[John Holmberg]

Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it. It's really that simple.

[Brett Vesely]

There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[John Holmberg]

Combat's morning sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here.

[Brett Vesely]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. 98. We'll explain. Goooood morning, everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Friday. It is 5:45. Yes. It's the morning sickness. My name's John. There's Brady, there's Brett, there's Big Dick Toledo. And we'll get to why Piss Ball Pete just played for 17 seconds is because a lot of you don't know this, but when Brett gets here, his first job of the day is to make sure that this computer is running right at 5, 45 and 00 seconds. So he rearranges all the songs and then usually picks a song right before we go in the air that has the perfect time to get us to 54500. And you are magnificent at it.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

This morning. Walks in and says we can either be a minute 30 over or 27 short. I'm like, what? How'd you. He just didn't get it done today. Well, just swung and missed.

[Brett Vesely]

I blame the Mormons.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you were up late and doing Mormon stuff.

[Brett Vesely]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

The. Yeah. So the idea Brady had was minimum wage by they Might Be Giants, which is a pretty great little quickie. Hilarious to try to get us as close to 5, 45 and 00. And then you said Piss Ball Pete from Palladio.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And I mean any chance we get to throw a Piss Ball Pete in there for time. So thank you. One star Night.

[Brett Vesely]

Good member.

[Byron]

Berries for them too.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. Pistol Pete just Got us right on zeros, which is money, excellent work. And emails are just pissful. Pete, what's going on? Oh, my God. Thank you. I sing that in my head all the time. James McCarthy says, yeah, I know. You can't help it, especially if you. If you accidentally pee on your balls a little bit. It's a thing. I had a good start to the morning. I realized about a third of the way here that I was going to have to use the facilities. And you know me at this point. Turn around, turn around and go back. And I went to. Actually went right back to that rental house nobody's in right now and took care of business and hopped in the shower and cleansed as, and I was about six minutes, seven minutes later than I would have been. And I did not sully a bathroom at work or ruin someone else's day by dropping bombs in there. And it wasn't a. Wasn't a historic effort. No one would have known had I done it. But I was pretty proud of myself to go, you know what? I'm gonna keep going. Head over here, got a nice shower there, and took care of business. It was very nice. Otherwise, had it not been for that, had that been Airbnb, I'd have driven all the way back and I'd have been just arriving as Piss Ball Pete finished their song. So I'm fine with how that went.

[Brett Vesely]

But good thing we're not still in the Guad. You would have had a like.

[John Holmberg]

And it turned around.

[Brett Vesely]

You'd had to buy like a Section 8 type housing for a total bathroom there.

[John Holmberg]

I'd have probably gone for the Wayans.

[Byron]

Challenge, too, in case.

[John Holmberg]

No, there's none of that. No, I just had to go to the bathroom and thought, you know what this is? This might be one that lingers all day and just makes me uncomfortable. So I'm just gonna unleash it. I had the capabilities of hanging on to it if I wanted to. I didn't want to. I had an opportunity. If we were still in Guadalupe at it, I'd have taken 11 or $12 and gone over to that Guadalupe Best Western. Probably gone in there and cleansed out a room. Yeah, I need one room, please. For how long? It doesn't matter. Just a room. And then I'd have gone crazy in there and used one of their disgusting Guadalupe showers and moved on from that. But that would have been tough. Yeah, I don't know what's worse, tell you, not showering is worse. So for all those people that argue, sometimes you just can't if you can't hold it, your sphincter's broken. You were built to. And if you can't hold it to the point where it's gonna. You're sick. Go home.

[Brett Vesely]

We got the shower downstairs.

[John Holmberg]

You could have used that. Have you seen that thing? Go turn that on later today. Go turn that shower downstairs on. It is a remarkable. Like the Bellagio has less activity. There's water shooting out of stuff that doesn't even exist. It's going everywhere but forward. And. Yeah, you don't. You can't use that shower. There's none of that. I had to do it that one time. I made an accident here down there. It was a disaster. It's cold. There's no hot water. We don't pay for hot water, by the way. That's so. Yeah, of course. So it's right now. Brutal, man.

[Brett Vesely]

I know.

[Byron]

Extra chilly.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it would not be good. So coming out of those pipes. So this shower down here. Pointless. Yeah. So I did it. And you're welcome, coworkers. Quite welcome. Had a hell of a football game here last night in town. And all the folks From Miami and Ms. Sip, enjoy your trips home. Goodbye. Sorry the weather wasn't very good. This place is almost always bad. It's miserable. It's just a terrible spot to be. You should all go home now. And they are all heading to the airport, which is fine.

[Byron]

And it sounded like there's a little more Ole Miss crowd in the. When they brought.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I couldn't tell that.

[Brett Vesely]

Just a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

Seemed like it was popping pretty good for red. And yeah, the Red was what got me. I'm like, man, there's a. I went to lunch with my financial guy, Jeff yesterday, and we. We sat down and had a chat and noticed that we were at the Windsor and there was a couple. There was a family with Ole Miss everything. Pins and hats and, you know, sweatshirts and stuff. There was an old Miss representation at two or three tables. Didn't see any Miami. And there was. And I'm like, wow. Ole Mrs. Was showing up here in the middle of the day. So I kind of was wondering if it was going to be. It wasn't lopsided, but that was a hell of a game. That was a. I don't like college football that much, but I like the playoff because usually it's finally evenly matched teams that can't pick their opponent, which is what college usually is. Just pick your teams and then go beat the tar out of them. Call yourself great. It's like boxing, when you know you don't fight anybody good, you occasionally have a decent fight, but you get to pick it. Playoffs are great. Miami and Ole Miss, that was. That was tight. And the game ends with a clear pass interference. But Hail Mary's, you don't get those. I mean, it's just dudes tackling each other trying to get a football. And like, if that was in the third quarter and they threw that ball that, I mean, clearly going to be flags. I don't know why they just say at the end of the game, we're not going to. You're allowed to do whatever you want, man. Those. Both of them, Both guys were just beating the tar out of each other. But you can't complain about one call in a game. You have to say you were in that situation the entire time because of what you did. It was a great game, an excellent game. But the real thing that happened last night is sitting to my right and Brett, you went to the Book of Mormon damage and told me yesterday about this time that it was here in town, which I did not know. And I am still considering a trip to the Book of Mormons. Get my times right. Was I right?

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, absolutely.

[John Holmberg]

100 didn't overhype it?

[Brett Vesely]

No, not at all.

[John Holmberg]

Not at all.

[Brett Vesely]

I don't think it's possible it may have been underhyped, as a matter of fact, because some of the stuff I was just like, what the.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, the part where they mentioned. Well, they say the C word in the most perfect way I ever heard in my life because that's where you get to kick God. And I was dying when they did it, because I'm like, this is. And it's satirical. It's not just for the sake of the shock.

[Brett Vesely]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

There's like real meaning behind the story, behind it.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, it's.

[John Holmberg]

And I know for a fact when somebody says. Because I read reviews of it yesterday, just to judge, like, what. What do people who don't like it say? And though. And they're usually very religious and they say it's sophomoric and it's. Oh, you're just not smart enough to understand it. That's all that is, is like, you can't. Brilliant. You can't hear a dirty word and think, oh, it's just for the sake of blue. No, their dirty words are like, pointed. It's the best satire I've ever seen.

[Brett Vesely]

It's brilliant. It's truly brilliant.

[John Holmberg]

Damn it, Brett. I'm jealous.

[Brett Vesely]

When they. When they went to hell.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Spooky Mormon Hell Dream and Dahmer's background Hitler. Hitler. Johnny Cochran's my favorite. He comes shooting through oh, I was Dying. He lied about a donut. Oh, it's great. And then he had some hot coffee or tea or. Oh, it was so good.

[Byron]

I forgot. I. I found a picture. I took a picture with Joseph Smith after the performance.

[John Holmberg]

You know him?

[Byron]

You could, you could meet.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, the guy, the actor. Oh, okay.

[Byron]

You're holding the book with him.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't know that they did that. I probably wouldn't have done that cuz gay.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, I know you said that all gay. I know. Yesterday you said you're a little worried that, you know, it may not be as good as the first time. You said it's because you know the, the actors because it's a different crew and stuff like that.

[John Holmberg]

They were great.

[Brett Vesely]

There was no.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, cuz that's what you said. You said you're going to see it. And my brain keeps saying, much like when I saw AC DC for the last time that I saw them, I and, and Aerosmith. And there are times when I've said I cannot see this band better than what I just saw. So I don't want to see them again. I just shut the door on it. Aerosmith played the God. I don't remember. It was like 1990. I was just a kid and I was like man, like pump or Permanent Vacation. There, that's it. I never need to see them again. That might have been perfect. And if I see them again and they're a little off, it will taint my memory of this. This is perfect. I'm going to walk away. It's the Curly from City Slickers. She could have been the one. I mean, what is she is. She'll always be. Because he didn't pursue what he had already seen as perfection. I'd done that with a couple of bands. I feel the same way about the Book of Mormon. They might have had a perfect night. When I went, it was for me and any slip ups or goofs or whatever or if it wasn't, you know, on time, I'd be like, oh, so I have a level of seeing it that can't be negated. I loved it.

[Brett Vesely]

It was brilliant. I mean I can't see anything wrong with it. Like I. If it was better, if it was any better than what I seen last night, I'd be surprised.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it was that good. All right.

[Brett Vesely]

And our friends that we went with with Batman and his wife, they. They've this is their third time seeing.

[John Holmberg]

It and they like it. Yes.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So I want to go again, but just on the chance that somebody. Or it just isn't. It isn't. I'm like, oh, this guy's off tonight. Or there's something missing or say, I. I just don't want it to be flawed.

[Brett Vesely]

Not from where I was at.

[John Holmberg]

Damn it.

[Brett Vesely]

I'll probably sold out on a Thursday night.

[John Holmberg]

I know, because it's that good now, as much as I've praised it. And then I'm glad you had a great time.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And Hasadiga Eboi, by the way, now he's laughing and now he gets it.

[Brett Vesely]

I know when you were doing it yesterday, I'm like, what is this jerk off?

[John Holmberg]

What are you doing? He text me when he got there at Gambit yesterday, and I said, you're going to have a great time, Hasadiga. And I know you're like, I have no idea what that is. And then once, you know, yeah. Oh, it's great. Changes your life.

[Brett Vesely]

The. The great part was my wife was, you know, she's from Salt Lake. She's not. She's not a Mormon, but, I mean, she's from Salt Lake, so she. She was dying.

[John Holmberg]

There's something, something. Check out homework's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's.

[Brett Vesely]

Morning Sickness because she knew all the little innuendos and stuff. Stuff that I was even like, what's so funny? Oh, yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

No, they hit everything. And it's great. On the heels of this, me praising yesterday to no end to the Book of Mormon and telling you that it was going to be fantastic. Great. All these people emailed and said, now I've never. I've wanted to see it, but now you're just pushing me over. I think we sold a bunch of tickets. You're welcome, Book of Mormon. If you know, you're welcome Ticketmaster and StubHub and all the people who got secondary ones. There was one guy who sent me this. His name was Douglas. Then he says, it's official. Holmberg, you eat dicks for breakfast. Says going in and on. Or so probably not. Going on and on. Going on and on about a Broadway musical. This, this morning. Wrote it yesterday is proof your fingers have explored the darkest spaces of a man's body. I absolutely know it. You wash poop off yourself pretty regularly. You have no idea how much I used to love you until I discovered this morning you're nothing but a penis smoking, anal banging, rosebud homosexual.

[Brett Vesely]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

You should probably start taking puberty blockers now and transition completely into Cher or Liberace. I'm surprised I can even understand you with all those wieners you have in your mouth every morning. I'll probably see you on Andy Cohen or on Bravo someday with your new show, Homo. Signed, Douglas. Yep.

[Byron]

Bring it in. The new year.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Oh, yeah. It could be kissing Anderson Cooper soon. That's right. The praise of a musical. Automatically gay to the point where the guy just can't possibly fathom it.

[Byron]

That was all from the musical?

[John Holmberg]

That was me. Well, yeah, that. Well, what else would it be? Brady, please. Well, how rude. He said, every day we talk, listen to the. Listen to the email, and focus on what's going on. Yeah, no, this is. He said that praising the Book of Mormon in any musical on Broadway makes you gay, which makes me think that guy's teetering on a very thin razor's edge of heterosexuality.

[Brett Vesely]

Look, I'm not a. I'm not a Broadway play kind of guy at all. I mean, even yesterday, I'm like, I'm kind of Twinkie. What's going on here? But it's hilarious.

[John Holmberg]

It's too good to. Yeah, it's brilliant. And it's no different to me, except for the thing that's Twinkie. And theater are the actors. There's a lot of gay in it, right? A lot. Most of them, in fact. I don't know why Broadway is so gay. But it's gay. But when it's good. So what? Gay people are hilarious sometimes. And they come up. Yeah. And they're very flamboyant, which is what you want in a live stage performance is people who are really, you know, you need to gay.

[Brett Vesely]

Like the lead singer from Shinedown. I mean, he's real flamboyant when he.

[John Holmberg]

Gay.

[Brett Vesely]

No, I'm not saying that. He's very flamboyant when he's up there.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Super Broadway.

[Brett Vesely]

I was telling somebody one time, I was like, he is going to be on Broadway when The Shinedown thing. There's no two ways about it, because he's very animated.

[John Holmberg]

This is like. Yeah, this is. Yeah. If you can't hear a broad. If you can't hear a gay guy sing and not think, if I like this, this is gay, you better turn your radio off, because I got some surprises for you. Like, I like Elton John, but that doesn't make me want to blow people. It makes me want to sing, you know, Little Genie and your song and stuff like that. But, my God, How. How crazy are you that you think that if you hear a song that's sung by somebody gay or done by something gay, that you two are gay? And who knows?

[Byron]

People come out guilty because I. I kind of enjoyed that.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I loved it.

[Byron]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

But how.

[Byron]

How am I gay?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. How insecure are you with yourself? If you have to wonder if you're. I better swallow some man juice, because that was pretty entertaining. You are. If something can make you gay, guess what? You're gay. That made me gay. I liked it. To know. Okay, well, if that made me gay, I've been pretty good at it. I'll keep going with that. I'm sorry. To Douglas, the guy.

[Byron]

It's a gateway activity, Joan.

[John Holmberg]

Is it?

[Byron]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Is it a gateway to gay? All right. You know what else I liked once? You're really gonna love this one. I went to go see M. Butterfly.

[Brett Vesely]

What's that?

[John Holmberg]

It's a.

[Byron]

Get that letter back.

[John Holmberg]

Spectacular. Yeah, well, that. Because that's what makes you gay, is liking things gay people do. Because I don't think it makes you, like, bigoted or anything. That was. It was unreal. It's a musical about. It's a love between a Vietnam soldier and a Vietnamese woman. And it's spectacular. And it was that damage. And I. Here's another thing. I cried a lot.

[Brett Vesely]

Douglas may be a little bit right, huh?

[John Holmberg]

No. I have emotions for humans, not gay. I didn't immediately go, God, I gotta blow that guy who likes that Asian lady. I didn't want to have sex.

[Byron]

You're crying because you knew what you had to do.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I was crying because I knew it was the death of my heterosexuality. I just loved the performance. It was a spectacular thing. Another thing brought me to the edge of my seat, nearly made me cry. And I've mentioned this several times. That goddamn river dance when Michael Flatley was doing it. Oh, my Lord. You've never seen anything like it. Big fan of Stomp, if you've ever been to Stomp.

[Byron]

Yep, I have.

[John Holmberg]

You're shorting yourself if you don't go to a, you know, a good play. I went and saw your boy Al Pacino on Broadway once with Diane Wiest and the dude who played Fredo, and they did. And Marissa Tomei got naked.

[Brett Vesely]

That is definitely not gay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it was called Salame, and I didn't know what I was walking into. Everyone in there was gay except for me and Pacino, I think. And then every guy revealed himself.

[Byron]

Okay, Right.

[John Holmberg]

That wasn't very good. It was a Reading. They do readings, Broadway readings, where they all sit on a stage. It was kind of strange, but it was, you know, that's some stuff.

[Brett Vesely]

No acting. It's just like voice acting, all acting.

[John Holmberg]

And then occasionally, if it even says in the program it's a reading, they have the scripts in their hands, I don't necessarily need them. And. And then in the. The Dance of the seven veils, it's said in the thing. It just depends on if the Muse strikes Ms. Tomei, whether or not she actually does the dance of seven veils. And if she does, there's potential nudity. And I'm like, oh, she went full out. Nice.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Marissa stripped that shirt off and danced. And Salome and for days. That's all.

[Byron]

The one where they said she might not.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. It says just the muse. Yeah, I just said that the muse will strike her and maybe she will. She will potentially be nude. And me, Al Pacino, my friend Colin, and at the time, my father in law who was, you know, he's a little twinkie sometimes. I don't know if he liked nudity from a women. He. He's one of those guys that did a lot of drawings and artistic stuff. And sometimes it was like, you know, men naked peepees and stuff. But that was art. Like, you know, the statues, super gay. Yeah, but he would also draw women naked and then like, and then landscapes of hills and forests and stuff. And then every once in a while, just a weird kind of naked person. And it wasn't, you know, didn't that.

[Byron]

Continue in the family? Didn't the son do that too?

[John Holmberg]

They were very artistic. Yeah, they could draw like crazy, but yeah, they drew. Yeah, he drew a lot of naked ladies, Asian ones. And then he would marry Asian ladies. And I'm like, you realize this isn't art so much as it is you just having a fetish for naked Asian women. And then he drew his girlfriend, who was Asian and had huge natural Asian cans. I mean, you don't see that too often. And I went to his apartment and it on his wall was a giant drawing of her nude. And I recognized it right away because she was Asian. It could have been her, I guess. And I, when I went in there and I looked, I was like, whoa. And he goes, yeah, that's Kim Chang Yee. I don't remember her name. It could have been Susan. But I just, I remember that. And I'm like, whoa. Like, did she pose for that? Or is that from memory? And he didn't laugh. Like, I'm Making. Like, if I look. If you ever drew a picture of your wife naked on a wall, you're a pervert. Unless you consider yourself artistic or if you draw other stuff, you can get away with it. There was a kid in junior high named Haim Sanchez. That was. You remember Jaime? He went to Rhodes. Super artistic.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, I kind of vaguely do.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah, Great stuff. And he would draw Mrs. Wilkinson, who was a relatively unattractive.

[Brett Vesely]

I don't know why he would.

[John Holmberg]

Do you remember her? Oh, yeah. And he would put her in sexual situations. It was fantastic. He also drew Rowena Larson, the agriculture teacher. And she had, like, some sort.

[Byron]

Like a Vargas kind of.

[Brett Vesely]

Or.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no, no. These were almost Rockwell. And he was excellent. Like, he had colored pencils with him at all times. I guess you can't call those African American pencils with him all the time. And he. And he would use those. And you'd look. And while we're all taking notes, he'd turn around and go. I'm like, what? And he'd hold his notebook up, and he had drawn Mrs. Wilkinson with her legs wide open and, like, really detailed and excellent. And I'm like, jesus Christ, Hyman. I'd start laughing. He'd flip the page real fast and, like, write down a bunch of fake notes. And he was drawn, everybody. So then we had agriculture together. So the next one of the next times he did a naked lady, it was Mrs. Larson. Except for.

[Brett Vesely]

Couldn't choose any better than that.

[John Holmberg]

She. She had a little bit of a shaky voice. I don't know if she had Parkinson's, but her head bobbed just a little. I think she did. She was younger, so I'm not sure, but she had a little bit of that Michael J. Fox thing going. And she was a little shaky. And he drew her as a goat with woman's breasts and a huge woman's vagina, and then gave me the psst. But because he was so good at it, it wasn't weird. Like, it was excellent art. Because every once in a while, Chaim would get all sorts of credit, like at school for. For drawing a landscape or doing something, you know, beautiful and then that years.

[Byron]

Later, it's an option at many tattoo parlors.

[John Holmberg]

Sure, sure, I take that on. My cat gave him license to draw naked people. Because every once in a while, he would draw something, you know, stunning.

[Brett Vesely]

Bob Ross type thing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It was like, jesus, I am. That's. You're so talented. And then turn the pages, and there's Christie Greenway and Robin Monroe and Stacy North. And he's drawn them all nude. And like in 8th, 7th, 8th grade. They were jerk worthy, you know, they were pretty good. But Mrs. Wilkinson, Mrs. Wilkinson was. And also he was very funny.

[Brett Vesely]

Cross between like a 70s hippie and somebody from Little House on the Prairie. Just that plain.

[Byron]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You remember her? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I have seen her animated nude.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm sorry.

[John Holmberg]

And I died laughing. There's something. Something. Check out Hornburg's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness. And I remember there was a kid in class who was a jock and he was dumb as a stuff and he thought Haim was gay because he drew. Okay. Little artist crap and all that stuff because he didn't pay attention to the fact that Chaim was using his. His artistic abilities with stunning landscapes and beautiful structure drawings to get away with drawing naked people. Like my old brother in law did with his wife. Try that. I went when I went to Toledo for the super bowl, we stayed in Toledo and it was in Detroit and it was at Big Dick, Toledo's former. He produced a show for a guy named JR and we stayed at his condo that was empty. And I've never seen anything like this before or since. But he had a hot girlfriend and he had photo albums on his coffee table that you go through. And it's all there in Hawaii. They're in. Oh, this is nice. The Grand Canyon. Oh, look at there at the Empire State Building. Oh, there's her snooch. Like up close.

[Brett Vesely]

It's in the photo album.

[John Holmberg]

In the photo album, like in their vacation pics. It's like if you went home to your parents, like that big secretary of that hutch that they used to keep all the family photos in. You're just going. And then all of a sudden there's your dad's dick. That's what he kept it on. And she's posing and you just, you. You'd flip through the page. Oh, there's like Thanksgiving 97. That's a door. There's. What was that? It's her mom. They look alike. Turn the page. Oh, there's her snooch. It was like constant and she was hot. And then you go over by the wall when you first walk in and you realize these aren't just. They're close ups of her nipples and they're huge blown up photographs of her boobs, which were super. She. If I recall, this is 2005, when I went back to that super bowl. That was February 2006. She was one of the first people that had, like, the serious lip injection thing going on. You know, it was a little bit, like, new at this point. Pretty great. So anyway, this one says, let's make it happen, John. The next painting that needs to be up for auction or hangs at the H and H Ranch needs to be you and Brady Eiffel towering that teacher. Yeah, Mrs. Wilkinson. Well, I'll call. Can you get a hold of him?

[Brett Vesely]

I have to.

[John Holmberg]

Hi. Iam. If you're out there, if anybody knows, I mean, there can't be two Higham Sanchez's. I always remember he made me laugh all the time because his timing was ridiculous with David Whitlatch sat next to me. He listens if you know where Haim is. It was ridiculous that he would, like, in the most poignant moments of class, you'd hear, oh, God, and he'd show you something that, you know, you could not. Not laugh at. Like, he'd drawn something horrific. The sheep.

[Byron]

Could he produce him pretty quick, like, during class?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it didn't. Yeah, there was no. Like, the. The muse got him. And he would draw Mrs. Wilkinson as a sex sheep. And you'd never seen anything like it in your life. And you knew exactly what it was. And then he put these little, like, lines around her head to simulate their. Or that was the. The agriculture lady. Yeah, the shaken lady. Roanna Larson. The shaken lady's head and.

[Byron]

But then Pig Penn and Charlie Brown.

[John Holmberg]

On her back with, like, dust symbolizer. Yeah, like you knew. But. But at least that was in. But when. Yeah, when Pig Pen's drawn, you see the piles around him. Her head was bobbing around. And then he. And with color, like, it took him, like, 15 minutes to fire off what he'd been thinking about with the agriculture teacher with a sheep's body and human breasts and a vagina.

[Byron]

Never got in trouble.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think so. If he did. I did look. I probably got in trouble because I was in tears sometimes at the things he drew. Matt Sullivan was the kid next to him that thought he was stupid and gay for the art thing. And he would draw Matt Sullivan, like, being just an absolute idiot gorilla doing. And I don't remember details, but he would go. And I'm looking like, Jesus Christ, he's right next to. And he was huge. And I'd start laughing because Sullivan would be, like, eating a brick and, like, confused. We watched Matt drop a. An MM on the floor once, and his head started like cocker spaniel, like, turning, like, how am I ever gonna get to that. And he's reaching for it over the closed side of the desk, and his hand's like three feet from it. And he reached, and then he'd stop. And then he'd try the exact same thing again. And Haim and I were dying. He's. That's the dumbest person I think I've ever seen. And then Hyam would draw him doing something ridiculous.

[Byron]

I pictured eating the brick. I could see that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, no, you could. Like if he was a talented young man. I hope he's doing well. Hi. If you're out there, I hope you're doing very well. You made me laugh a lot in seventh and eighth grade, but. Yeah. You knew Mrs. Wilkinson? Oh, yeah. He used to draw her detailed nude. I do not have artistic ability at all. I try to draw something, it's ridiculous and it usually looks terrible.

[Byron]

It's like our buddy John Hoffman.

[John Holmberg]

Hoffman can do it in seconds, but he's got the excuse, too. He can draw naked people. And it's art. I do it and it's perversion, because you know where I'm coming from, but it's them, too. There isn't an ounce of that moment in Titanic where Jack's painting her. That's beautiful. And then when you found out that James Cameron, director of Titanic, is the one who actually drew Kate Winslet naked. Pervert. And that's all that was. Everybody wanted to touch Kate Winslet at that time. She was hot. She got naked a lot. And Cameron charcoal arted her and then got credit for being such a talent. I'm like, that dude's a pervert. All he wanted to do was take a picture of her, and she wouldn't let it. So this way, she posed for him. He got to stay in a room with Kate Winslet for however long. She'd lay there longer. Then he included it in the movie. That. That thing got drawn way before that scene. He added that scene. So he did look. It was all a cover for his weird perversion to see her nude. He had a crush on. It was weird. Completely in utter. If anybody's ever drawn you naked, they're weirdos. End of story. I posed nude for an artist. Like, yeah, that guy wanted to bang you. No, he's an artist. Come on. Would you pose nude for me? I'm an artist. You're a pervert. Yeah. You can see it. You can see that if I wanted to be naked in a room with you, there'd be a reason. Idiots. Art is. Is not. Oh, it's sexualized. Well, then stop throwing everybody naked, you weirdos. How come it's constant, then, if it's not sexualized? It's just the human body and it's. Yeah, that's what we said about Playboy. And it's perversion. We know what it is.

[Brett Vesely]

Just him.

[John Holmberg]

Geez. I. Is that high? I'm saying. Oh, that's Matt Sullivan. No, there's no way that's Matt Sullivan.

[Brett Vesely]

Maybe he's friends with Linkus and that's him.

[John Holmberg]

Geez, I hope he makes his next AA meeting. Hey, he's drinking water and coffee. That's definitely that dude. Looks like a guy who's confused about Eminem. That Eminem looker I'm related to Doug. You found him. That's the glory of social media now. It's like, you've mentioned a guy and you can find him. Okay, okay. Didn't see that coming. There he is. All right, there's Matt Sullivan. How about that? He's the same size he was in seven. World travel.

[Byron]

Oh, really?

[John Holmberg]

Interesting. What? He's got that where's my Eminem face, though. Nice guy. I like him a lot, But a couple times he did that thing about M M's, and I'm like, this is.

[Brett Vesely]

Confusing, and went to Dobson.

[John Holmberg]

That's him. There he is. Hey. Looks pretty good, though, you know, he's not in the best shape ever, but good for you. There you go. Try to find Haim Sanchez. I don't know. J A. Yeah, I m e. It's Jaime, but I am. He called himself Higham, but it was kind of Jaime. I don't know. That kid was hilarious. We all remember those guys, but every. Isn't it weird how every school had the naked kid drawn Kid? And a lot of them turned out to be the ones who were into, you know, like, dio and stuff. And they would draw album covers with nude girls.

[Byron]

Dave Bull was. It was written like a Conan the Barbarian.

[John Holmberg]

So everyone. Yeah, but that's common for the art guys that. Well, that Heim used to do that, too.

[Byron]

He could draw a caricature, but he could do it of, like, if he drew you or a certain person, like another guy. Our friend Andy Wilburger. And he could draw them in, like, five lines.

[John Holmberg]

Didn't take anything because it was Fred Flintstone. Yeah. He would make them very cartoonishly large. He man. He man big. And Chaim did that, too. All the women had, you know, they were ripped. I had not seen enough. Like, I didn't know how he knew the details of a woman's vagina to draw it because he was in seventh or eighth grade, right? So he didn't see him and have them memorized, but he could draw one. And at least from my perspective, it was pretty accurate.

[Byron]

Now imagine Michelangelo chiseling a marble penis.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, dude's into a body, you're into it. You can't do that and not be into it. I know, I know, it's art. You're supposed to remove yourself from it. But come on, there's no possible way. Everybody had that friend that could draw the weird pee pees and stuff. Did you find Haim?

[Brett Vesely]

No, I don't know how to spell it.

[John Holmberg]

That's a smart. That's the best part of it. You can't trace his perversion because his name's too hard to spell.

[Brett Vesely]

Man, you're pissing Douglas off this morning. First you started talking about musicals, now art.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, another letter on the way. Hey, when I was 15, I thought I had grown enough to get my own in my mouth. I threw myself up in a, you know, a ball. Douglas.

[Brett Vesely]

Typical twink game.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, right there at 758 Monty Circle. My bedroom TV going, God knows, give me a break was probably on. Who knows? I was watching number one, Nell Carter. That was the first time I tried it and succeeded. Not the first time I tried it to Nell Carter. It wasn't to anything. I think I was smart enough to know if Gimme a break's on, nobody's going to think I'm doing anything in there. Sun was kind of going down. It's probably about 4:35 o'.

[Byron]

Clock.

[John Holmberg]

And I just whipped up over the edge of the. Little Lawrence was in that. Whoa, give me a break. I'm sure I deserve. And I threw it through the legs, over the head and gave myself a try. And that was the first time I'm like, Houston, we have contact like, yes. We're just a few short days away. And then I just kind of sat there like. But there is no possibility of momentum. There's something, something. Check out homework's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness. That was close, Douglas. I was close to never having to worry about outsourcing that. And I'm telling you, man, if that day had gone 2 inches different.

[Byron]

Show.

[John Holmberg]

Tips, it would have been a whole. No, no, it wouldn't have been gay. There she is. This. This might. This might make me hard. Give me a break now. I know what it takes. I'm putting in new feet on the old.

[Brett Vesely]

The older daughter was Kind of hot, wasn't she?

[John Holmberg]

Couple of the daughters, even the young daughter was a little bit. Okay. And now was doing. Yeah, that was the hot one. Carrie Michaels. Not that one. Lori Hendler was not hot. But that one, I kind of had a thing for her. The middle one, That was Howard the Cop. Yeah. So yeah, that. Maybe it was that because that was. That was on from 4 until 5 o' clock on Channel 5 pretty much every day. And I would. I threw up. I threw my legs up over my head. Was giving me a break on. And nobody would ever bust into a kid's room. Would give me a breaks on my dad especially. Like he's not jerking off for that. Maybe Matt Sullivan was, but I, not me. Anyway, so if you're drawing wieners and you're drawing boobs, I'm on to you. You're not an artist. You're a pervert like everybody else. You know, Bob Ross's house has a whole wing.

[Byron]

Draw the pirate and send your sketch.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly. Has a whole scholarship. Bob Ross has a room of like artistic booby drawings because it's tough to get chicks when all you do is draw. Like you creep them out. That's Titanic.

[Byron]

They loved him too.

[John Holmberg]

That. Yeah. But they never got girls. Artist guys in high school and junior high, they weren't getting behind tail. Yeah, Bob Ross never got chicks either. He got a girl and she was probably a hippie weirdo. You never got the hot girls. Mrs. Wilkinson would have married that. I. That's if I was match.com. those two are perfect for each other.

[Byron]

He got unlimited PBS tail.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Well, good. That's gross.

[Byron]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Think about the PBS audience.

[John Holmberg]

PBS tail. Yuck. Good band name, but yuck. Ted Simons here in town probably getting a lot of PBS tail. A lot of those ladies in their late 30s that somehow have a lot of gray hair. They look like they've got horse manes for hair, big glasses. Talking about Ms. Wilkinson. Exactly. Yeah. So right now draw pictures of nudity. Like Todd Himes, the guy that does the paintings that I asked him. He's a pervert deep down. He said, you see the stuff this guy sends me for? Memes and things like that. He's. He's crazy, he's funny. There's nothing about his very talented artist. Come on. And James Cameron got away with murder with that Titanic thing because that was just him wanting to bone Kate Winslet and getting away with doing dirty stuff. And wives of artists let them get away with that too. In fact, my ex. My ex wife's dad. My ex father in law drew his. His in laws. He drew that Asian girl naked a couple of times. She posed for him and it was family. Okay. Because they're artists.

[Byron]

Whoa.

[John Holmberg]

He beat it to that in a big way. He was a bit of a perv anyway. But come on, you can't do that. I wish I could draw. That's all.

[Byron]

I. James Cameron did it because it saved money rather than hiring an artist.

[John Holmberg]

Sure, sure.

[Byron]

Tight budget.

[John Holmberg]

Sure, that's.

[Byron]

I'll do it.

[John Holmberg]

That's it. And plus, he had it drawn. He said, I've. I've been thinking about this. So I drew this of you and I'd like to include it in the movie. Then he had wardrobe recreate what she had on and make it a. Make it a. A beautiful scene. Women find that like, oh, that scene was so romantic. If a d. Think of what happened in Titanic that women considered romantic and then place it in reality. Imagine if you and Matthiah on one of your first dates, you're like, take your top off. I'm going to draw you on this setting. And then she sprawls out on it and then you bone her in somebody's car. The women are like, oh, my God, that was the most romantic thing I've ever seen.

[Brett Vesely]

That's love.

[John Holmberg]

Romantic. He drew her and then he. In the back of a car. Oh my God, that was the most amazing. Nothing in Titanic was romantic. Was all bad. It was all, you know, dude was boning some rich girl like crazy and. And she's on the side the whole time. Women found that romantic. Reverse the roles of that. And it was a dude with some poor chick on the Titanic.

[Byron]

First class.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And behind, behind his wife's back, he goes, find some poor lady, draws her naked and in the back of a Model T. And women wouldn't have been, oh, that's so romantic. He's an asshole. I hope he drowns first. But Kate Winslet does it. Cause it's Leo. All of a sudden. They're swooning, there's tears, and all they did was fog up the inside of that Model T to know that he is just drilling her in there. Romantic. You people are nuts.

[Byron]

True love, bro.

[John Holmberg]

True love.

[Byron]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Brett Vesely]

We've seen what happened at the end. Selfish broad. Wouldn't even let him on the damn door.

[Byron]

She set him up.

[John Holmberg]

Go home today. Go home today. After what, 100 years of being married? And just say, I've been quietly taking art classes and I wanted to surprise you with something romantic. Walk into the garage. Set up an easel. Make her ask her. Take your shirt off and lay down. First off, that ain't happening. No woman is going to do that for their husband at all. And we're trying to do some recreation of romance. So here's my plan. I'm gonna draw a beautiful charcoal sketch of you topless. And then I'm gonna try to. In the back of the Lincoln. You're gonna get. She's not gonna talk to you for three days.

[Byron]

Are you doing that in Kingsford in charcoal?

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Byron]

I'm good at it.

[John Holmberg]

Of course. That's your medium. You are a Kingsford guy. But just tell her I want to create. I want to recreate the Titanic scene where you lay nude. I draw you and then I you in a car and feel romantic. They think it is then crazily perverted. It's the only great scene in Titanic except for when it's. No offense, Brett, when that Italian annoying kid gets hit by the smokestack. My favorite part of this Horseburn. I loved that. Oh, I hated that guy. The whole movie. I hated that guy. And then when that. And I was so satisfied when he took it. Luigi right on top of the metal bug gunk. Just got clunked by it. It was great. Was so happy when that guy died. Like Raven's happy. Oh, and speaking of. I thought I was kind of old.

[Byron]

Walked out when that happened.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Did you leave? Yeah. We all could have walked out of Titanic before. We all know the ending. And then when it started to show me how much has changed. When I watch women crying and swooning at the car scene, I'm like, this was in Valley Girl and nobody cried yesterday. I thought I was kind of. I thought the. The Ravens hate love combination. My floating around after destroying the Ravens franchise had waned a little. And then I found. I sent it to you guys. I found someone filmed an eight year old boy watching the final kick of the game and he breaks down in tears. And I'm telling you, I almost had to. How?

[Byron]

It just had to register too.

[John Holmberg]

Amazing. Amazing to watch an 8 year old boy emotionally damaged, maybe for a year at least, standing there watching that kick sail right, knowing I loved that. The joy in watching an 8 year old's life rumble. His little 8 years had never seen that yet. That was. It was such a. It's like man on the moon kind of stuff. He had never. This was the first time he'd ever experienced that kind of heartbreak. And it's. And it's a lifetime now that Was the first one. He's going to feel that a lot if he's a true sports fan or he's going to quit on it. But that was.

[Byron]

So where'd he go? Ran to his mom.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he ran right to his mom. And she coddled him. No dad in the room.

[Brett Vesely]

Started drawing.

[Byron]

It would have been the other way around. It would have been anger.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Byron]

With dad.

[John Holmberg]

Dad and him would have been tipping stuff over breaking TVs. He learned cuss words that day. But instead he stood in the center of the room. Mommy was filming it live, streaming it to go. This is going to be my son's first experience with sports. Brilliant. Joy is going to be so euphoric. And the kick goes right, and mom in the back goes, what the. And then the kid just. It was such a slow breakdown of his psyche as he just kind of realized he missed it. And then you just hear that first little. And you're like, oh, it's gonna happen. The dam's breaking. And then like this. I don't think. And in a Lamar Jackson jersey, he's gonna need that. Ends are sad. There's nothing better than a crying Ravens kid under the age of 10. No empathy.

[Byron]

I knew that it was his dad holding the camera.

[John Holmberg]

You know why? Because it might as well been wearing a Nazi uniform. It's the same thing. I like to watch Raven's kids cry. Oh, I still have it. I still have it. It'll never die. Oh, the only thing that was not if he'd have hurt himself or something. I'd have been even happier if you're like self harmed right there on it. Oh, that would have been great. Just flipped out. Or maybe even just had like an eight year old cardiac arrest. That would have been even better. Like, and they got it. And then EMTs come in and have to defibrillate with my. You know, play school's my first little defibrillator. Clear. It's got Mickey Mouse on it, you hear? Clear. Aha. And it just zaps him. Oh, it was great. That little Ravens boy in his Ravens Nazi outfit standing there crying like, this is. This is better than D day.

[Byron]

What just happened?

[John Holmberg]

No, it was so good. Oh, that little boy crying. Oh. Anyway, I just brought it back again. Nudity and stuff. Let's get a wake up song. It's Friday morning. Very busy Friday today. Let's get right to it and get the hell towards the weekend, shall we? 5, 8, 5, 9800. You give us the wake up song, we scream it together. It's 98. KUPD.

[Byron]

Wake up.

[John Holmberg]

It's not weird.

[Byron]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.