Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – Condensed Short Show – Wednesday, Jan 14, 2026

Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Main Theme: Satirical takes on celebrity allegations, absurd U.S. geopolitics, social behaviors, and bizarre news headlines.
Overall Tone: Irreverent, provocative, darkly comic, riff-heavy.

1. Overview

This episode is a condensed but high-octane blend of Holmberg’s signature satire and uproarious banter. The crew riff on sexual assault allegations against elderly celebrities, devise a tongue-in-cheek plan for a “peaceful invasion” of Greenland, discuss societal taboos like nose-picking, and comment on the chaos caused by escaped exotic animals—all while mock-fending off sensitive listeners who mistake satire for political advocacy.

2. Key Discussion Points & Insights

A. Celebrity Sexual Assault Allegations – Age and Power Dynamics

Segment takes up: 00:38–12:39

• Main topic: Accusations against Julio Iglesias, Smokey Robinson, and other elderly stars accused of sexual assault; the hosts express skepticism about the plausibility.
• John’s principal argument: It's implausible for an 80+ year-old man, no matter how famous, to physically overpower or sexually assault an able-bodied adult woman.
• Satirical Legal Advice: John mockingly offers, "After you beat him up while he's laying there unconscious, take the finger he shoved in your butt... and put all the DNA on it that you can." (04:31)
• Wild analogies:
  • Old men and "midgets" are "the only two good options" when it comes to fighting off assailants—anyone else, you'd have to take more seriously. (07:32)
• Memorable moments: The group riff on how, if the accuser were going after Enrique Iglesias instead of Julio, there would be no complaints.

Notable Quotes:

• “You cannot get sexually assaulted by an 80 year old man without a gun. And even then, you can fight back.” (John Holmberg, 00:38)
• “I support Julio Iglesias and his sexual assault. He didn’t do anything wrong.” (John Holmberg, 12:15, sarcastic)
• “At 82, you’re allowed to do it.” (Brady, 12:15, sarcastic)

B. Greenland Satire – “Operation: Infiltration via Hellcats”

Segment takes up: 13:44–24:44, revisited at 32:00+

• Premise: John jokingly brainstorms an absurd plan to "take over" Greenland by offering $100,000 and free Dodge Hellcats to poor Americans (with a racial twist), sending them en masse to flood and culturally overwhelm the tiny population.
• Key elements:
  • Targets underprivileged groups from U.S. cities like "Maryvale" and "South Chicago."
  • Motives are to force Greenland's hand demographically and make any resistance seem racist.
  • Satirizes both past U.S. colonialism and modern political strategies.
• Political Hot Potato: Listeners (like "Kyle") misconstrue John’s satire as real political advocacy or “right-wing” dogwhistles, prompting pushback.
• South Park Energy: Hosts repeatedly underline it's “just a joke,” likening the segment to a South Park episode.

Notable Quotes:

• "You can’t even fill State Farm Stadium with all the residents of Greenland." (John, 14:22)
• “Military intervention? No, we don’t need bombs for Greenland. We need a Blacks for Greenland. ...White people are insanely nervous about when their neighborhoods aren’t the same color. Greenland is white. This is an easy win.” (John, 16:54)
• “Do I think my Blacks to Greenland is a good idea? Yes. Do I think it’s realistic? No.” (John, 34:46)
• “It’s a South Park episode. I just wrote a South Park episode.” (John, 35:26)

C. Nose-Picking, Social Taboos and Alzheimer’s

Segment takes up: 24:44–32:22

• Topic: New studies link frequent nose-picking with increased risk of infections and possibly Alzheimer's.
• Confessions: All hosts admit to picking their noses in private or while driving, with John offering TMI about his own "crusty nostrils" and nosebleeds.
• Social commentary: Shaming around nose picking is ridiculed; suggestion of “finger rubbers for pickers.”
• Humor: Gross-out details and stories of blowing noses in showers, farmer’s blows, etc.

Notable Quotes:

• “Doctors are saying it’s not too late. If you’ve been a picker for years and years, your fingers are now like a penis in the 80s. Wrap it up.” (John, 27:29)
• “You're a picker, I’m a picker, we’re all pickers.” (John, 27:44)

D. Satire vs. Political Ignorance – Audience Reception

Segment takes up: 32:22–36:40

• John addresses audience backlash: Listener “Kyle” accuses him of supporting far-right politics with the Greenland plan, prompting John to clarify his satire.
• Philosophy: John insists he’s deliberately apolitical and both sides (“tards” of all persuasions) are mocked.
• Meta-humor: John relishes the confusion, seeing it as evidence his absurdities land.

Notable Quotes:

• “There is a thread of potential reality that’s called satire. Oh, I have to explain it all to Kyle.” (John, 35:00)
• “That plan wouldn’t work for MAGA because it involves paying black people.” (Listener Garen, paraphrased by John, 35:23)

E. Oranges & Booty Holes, Zoo Escapes & Velvet Monkeys

Oranges: 37:27–39:41

• Topic: Viral video claims you pick sweet oranges by inspecting the “booty hole” (navel). Degenerates into comparisons about orange “prolapse” and fruit-anatomy.
• Verbal slapstick: “Prolapse anal oranges are like women. You want them tight, a little juicy in the middle, and not fat with blown out holes.” (John, 38:16)

Velvet Monkeys in St. Louis: 39:47–46:09

• News riff: Reports of green velvet monkeys “escape” in St. Louis; no zoo or owner claiming responsibility.
• Satire: John dreams of a future where velvet monkeys overrun Missouri, causing chaos at baseball games and turning St. Louis uninhabitable for humanity—a karmic correction for letting people keep exotic animals.
• St. Louis Cardinals shade: John roots for the monkeys; “...please let there be a massive population boom of velvet green monkeys in Missouri that makes it uninhabitable for humanity. Please make them violent and hilarious...” (John, 42:17)
• Parallels to historical animal invasions (like boa constrictors in Florida).

3. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• John on Julio Iglesias: "You cannot get sexually assaulted by an 80 year old man without a gun. And even then you can, you can fight back." (00:38)
• Brady on self-defense: "Looked like a hamburger helper slapped him in the face." (02:56)
• John on legal strategy: "After you beat him up... take the finger he shoved in your butt... and put all the DNA on it that you can." (04:31)
• Satirical plan for Greenland: "You can't even fill State Farm Stadium with all the residents of Greenland. We could win this in a day." (14:22)
• Riff on social change: "White people are insanely nervous about when their neighborhoods aren’t the same color. Greenland is white. This is an easy win." (16:54)
• Nose-picking shame: “Doctors are saying it’s not too late. If you’ve been a picker for years and years, your fingers are now like a penis in the 80s. Wrap it up.” (27:29)
• Readdressing satire vs. politics: “There is a thread of potential reality that’s called satire. Oh, I have to explain it all to Kyle. Stick to the fart jokes, jackass.” (35:00)
• Velvet monkey wish: “Please let there be a massive population boom of velvet green monkeys in Missouri that makes it uninhabitable for humanity. Please make them violent and hilarious...” (42:17)

4. Segment Timestamps

| Segment Topic/Bit | Start Time | End Time | |------------------------------------------------|-------------|-------------| | “Old Man Sexual Assault Allegations” | 00:38 | 12:39 | | Satirical Greenland “Invasion” Plan | 13:44 | 24:44 (+32:00-36:40) | | Nose-picking & Alzheimer’s Study | 24:44 | 32:22 | | Satire vs. Political Audience Misreads | 32:22 | 36:40 | | Oranges & the “Booty Hole” | 37:27 | 39:41 | | Velvet Monkeys Escaped in St. Louis | 39:47 | 46:09 |

5. Final Thoughts

This episode is quintessential Holmberg: over-the-top, bitingly satirical, and broad in its social mockery. The team’s ability to push boundaries and riff on taboo subjects is balanced by meta-commentary that keeps listeners guessing at what’s genuine and what’s pure comic exaggeration. If you want to understand the peculiar genius—and controversy—of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness, this “condensed” episode is a pitch-perfect encapsulation.