01-14-26 - CONDENSED SHORT SHOW - WEDNESDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

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Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – Condensed Short Show – Wednesday, Jan 14, 2026

Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Main Theme: Satirical takes on celebrity allegations, absurd U.S. geopolitics, social behaviors, and bizarre news headlines.
Overall Tone: Irreverent, provocative, darkly comic, riff-heavy.

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1. Overview

This episode is a condensed but high-octane blend of Holmberg’s signature satire and uproarious banter. The crew riff on sexual assault allegations against elderly celebrities, devise a tongue-in-cheek plan for a “peaceful invasion” of Greenland, discuss societal taboos like nose-picking, and comment on the chaos caused by escaped exotic animals—all while mock-fending off sensitive listeners who mistake satire for political advocacy.

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2. Key Discussion Points & Insights

A. Celebrity Sexual Assault Allegations – Age and Power Dynamics

Segment takes up: 00:38–12:39

• Main topic: Accusations against Julio Iglesias, Smokey Robinson, and other elderly stars accused of sexual assault; the hosts express skepticism about the plausibility.
• John’s principal argument: It's implausible for an 80+ year-old man, no matter how famous, to physically overpower or sexually assault an able-bodied adult woman.
• Satirical Legal Advice: John mockingly offers, "After you beat him up while he's laying there unconscious, take the finger he shoved in your butt... and put all the DNA on it that you can." (04:31)
• Wild analogies:
  • Old men and "midgets" are "the only two good options" when it comes to fighting off assailants—anyone else, you'd have to take more seriously. (07:32)
• Memorable moments: The group riff on how, if the accuser were going after Enrique Iglesias instead of Julio, there would be no complaints.

Notable Quotes:

• “You cannot get sexually assaulted by an 80 year old man without a gun. And even then, you can fight back.” (John Holmberg, 00:38)
• “I support Julio Iglesias and his sexual assault. He didn’t do anything wrong.” (John Holmberg, 12:15, sarcastic)
• “At 82, you’re allowed to do it.” (Brady, 12:15, sarcastic)

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B. Greenland Satire – “Operation: Infiltration via Hellcats”

Segment takes up: 13:44–24:44, revisited at 32:00+

• Premise: John jokingly brainstorms an absurd plan to "take over" Greenland by offering $100,000 and free Dodge Hellcats to poor Americans (with a racial twist), sending them en masse to flood and culturally overwhelm the tiny population.
• Key elements:
  • Targets underprivileged groups from U.S. cities like "Maryvale" and "South Chicago."
  • Motives are to force Greenland's hand demographically and make any resistance seem racist.
  • Satirizes both past U.S. colonialism and modern political strategies.
• Political Hot Potato: Listeners (like "Kyle") misconstrue John’s satire as real political advocacy or “right-wing” dogwhistles, prompting pushback.
• South Park Energy: Hosts repeatedly underline it's “just a joke,” likening the segment to a South Park episode.

Notable Quotes:

• "You can’t even fill State Farm Stadium with all the residents of Greenland." (John, 14:22)
• “Military intervention? No, we don’t need bombs for Greenland. We need a Blacks for Greenland. ...White people are insanely nervous about when their neighborhoods aren’t the same color. Greenland is white. This is an easy win.” (John, 16:54)
• “Do I think my Blacks to Greenland is a good idea? Yes. Do I think it’s realistic? No.” (John, 34:46)
• “It’s a South Park episode. I just wrote a South Park episode.” (John, 35:26)

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C. Nose-Picking, Social Taboos and Alzheimer’s

Segment takes up: 24:44–32:22

• Topic: New studies link frequent nose-picking with increased risk of infections and possibly Alzheimer's.
• Confessions: All hosts admit to picking their noses in private or while driving, with John offering TMI about his own "crusty nostrils" and nosebleeds.
• Social commentary: Shaming around nose picking is ridiculed; suggestion of “finger rubbers for pickers.”
• Humor: Gross-out details and stories of blowing noses in showers, farmer’s blows, etc.

Notable Quotes:

• “Doctors are saying it’s not too late. If you’ve been a picker for years and years, your fingers are now like a penis in the 80s. Wrap it up.” (John, 27:29)
• “You're a picker, I’m a picker, we’re all pickers.” (John, 27:44)

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D. Satire vs. Political Ignorance – Audience Reception

Segment takes up: 32:22–36:40

• John addresses audience backlash: Listener “Kyle” accuses him of supporting far-right politics with the Greenland plan, prompting John to clarify his satire.
• Philosophy: John insists he’s deliberately apolitical and both sides (“tards” of all persuasions) are mocked.
• Meta-humor: John relishes the confusion, seeing it as evidence his absurdities land.

Notable Quotes:

• “There is a thread of potential reality that’s called satire. Oh, I have to explain it all to Kyle.” (John, 35:00)
• “That plan wouldn’t work for MAGA because it involves paying black people.” (Listener Garen, paraphrased by John, 35:23)

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E. Oranges & Booty Holes, Zoo Escapes & Velvet Monkeys

Oranges: 37:27–39:41

• Topic: Viral video claims you pick sweet oranges by inspecting the “booty hole” (navel). Degenerates into comparisons about orange “prolapse” and fruit-anatomy.
• Verbal slapstick: “Prolapse anal oranges are like women. You want them tight, a little juicy in the middle, and not fat with blown out holes.” (John, 38:16)

Velvet Monkeys in St. Louis: 39:47–46:09

• News riff: Reports of green velvet monkeys “escape” in St. Louis; no zoo or owner claiming responsibility.
• Satire: John dreams of a future where velvet monkeys overrun Missouri, causing chaos at baseball games and turning St. Louis uninhabitable for humanity—a karmic correction for letting people keep exotic animals.
• St. Louis Cardinals shade: John roots for the monkeys; “...please let there be a massive population boom of velvet green monkeys in Missouri that makes it uninhabitable for humanity. Please make them violent and hilarious...” (John, 42:17)
• Parallels to historical animal invasions (like boa constrictors in Florida).

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3. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• John on Julio Iglesias: "You cannot get sexually assaulted by an 80 year old man without a gun. And even then you can, you can fight back." (00:38)
• Brady on self-defense: "Looked like a hamburger helper slapped him in the face." (02:56)
• John on legal strategy: "After you beat him up... take the finger he shoved in your butt... and put all the DNA on it that you can." (04:31)
• Satirical plan for Greenland: "You can't even fill State Farm Stadium with all the residents of Greenland. We could win this in a day." (14:22)
• Riff on social change: "White people are insanely nervous about when their neighborhoods aren’t the same color. Greenland is white. This is an easy win." (16:54)
• Nose-picking shame: “Doctors are saying it’s not too late. If you’ve been a picker for years and years, your fingers are now like a penis in the 80s. Wrap it up.” (27:29)
• Readdressing satire vs. politics: “There is a thread of potential reality that’s called satire. Oh, I have to explain it all to Kyle. Stick to the fart jokes, jackass.” (35:00)
• Velvet monkey wish: “Please let there be a massive population boom of velvet green monkeys in Missouri that makes it uninhabitable for humanity. Please make them violent and hilarious...” (42:17)

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4. Segment Timestamps

| Segment Topic/Bit | Start Time | End Time | |------------------------------------------------|-------------|-------------| | “Old Man Sexual Assault Allegations” | 00:38 | 12:39 | | Satirical Greenland “Invasion” Plan | 13:44 | 24:44 (+32:00-36:40) | | Nose-picking & Alzheimer’s Study | 24:44 | 32:22 | | Satire vs. Political Audience Misreads | 32:22 | 36:40 | | Oranges & the “Booty Hole” | 37:27 | 39:41 | | Velvet Monkeys Escaped in St. Louis | 39:47 | 46:09 |

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5. Final Thoughts

This episode is quintessential Holmberg: over-the-top, bitingly satirical, and broad in its social mockery. The team’s ability to push boundaries and riff on taboo subjects is balanced by meta-commentary that keeps listeners guessing at what’s genuine and what’s pure comic exaggeration. If you want to understand the peculiar genius—and controversy—of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness, this “condensed” episode is a pitch-perfect encapsulation.

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Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

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[John Holberg]

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[Brady]

Sometimes I think it's his PR team. Hey, we need to get you some more street cred. Look, you got game.

[John Holberg]

The fact of the matter is it's he didn't pay them properly. That's all. And we'll make it public. If someone Puts their finger in your butt and you don't want it there. The best scenario of that is you turn around and it's either a midget or an old man. Because it's, you're gonna, you're gonna win the fight. The right now if Trip came in and goes and went right into my ass. I'm wiping the floors with him. There isn't a woman in this building. And Tripp isn't even in his 80s, mid-70s. Fella. He throws a digit in one of these sales ladies downstairs, I can imagine there's gonna be blood on the ice. And it's all Trip's. What happened? And Jill's just kicking the out of him.

[Brady]

Looked like a hamburger helper slapped him in the face.

[John Holberg]

Smash after smash. I, I, I'm sorry. You, you cannot be 82 and sexually assault anyone. I cannot feel sorry for you.

[Brady]

Can't happen.

[John Holberg]

Even the world's strongest 82 year old man. No match for any woman under the age of 50.

[Brady]

Legitimate argument.

[John Holberg]

It's a, it is a legit, it is a fact as this. As this. There is air and there is a sun and there is science. That is part of science. You cannot, you cannot tell me he can make you uncomfortable. But the second he penetrates a butthole. No, hold like you are allowed to polish the floors with Julio Iglesia. You go to a lawyer first. That means you liked it for a while. 82 year old dudes don't finger your butt knowing because they're aware. Julio's like, let her not do this. She's a very strapping lady. He's trusting him to clean the house in the Dominican Republic and the Bahamas. They are very strong. I have to make sure here that, oh, there is no reaction. This is good. And then the next time, hey, I, I put my finger in your butt before. You didn't fight me. And she's, you know, probably dusting or something. He just stop. What are you talking about? To all the girls I've raped before. Yeah. You bloody up Julio Iglesias.

[Brady]

That's George Bush senior. Yeah, he was like David Copperfield.

[John Holberg]

He was goosing people from the wheelchair. But again, you can't turn and go. He sexually assaulted me. No, he didn't. You just didn't fight back. You no 82 year old man. And plus then you get all his money. You beat him up. You leave him on the ground and go, hey, the reason I beat up international superstar Julio Iglesias is because he just stuffed his finger in my butthole. And oh, but here's another thing. To make sure you get all of his money. Here's advice from Johnny Lawyer. I am legal advice counsel. After you beat him up while he's laying there unconscious, take the finger he shoved in your butt, take your pants off and jam it in there one last time and put all the DNA on it that you can. And then when they come, just go investigate. His finger, he just shoved it in my ass. And they'd be like, what? It's crazy. Just beat up Julio Glacias and like, my God, my finger is covered in dominican feces. Any 82 year old man tries to cop a feel and, and penetrates. And she says he used me. Every night she saw him goose on another cleaning. Well, there were two. There's a couple of them.

[Brady]

Yeah, I thought I was the one.

[John Holberg]

You close up shop on his ass. I'll give an old man one time. And they're like, hey, Julio, what's with the fingers and the butts? I'm so sorry, I'm very old. All right. It's the last time though, by the way. Let you have one because you're old, I'll give you that. But throw a finger in my butt again and it's gonna be some Julio blood laying around. You hear him whistling. She's bent over again. I'm going to finger the bottom. That's it. Second time is a, it's a trend and then putting an end to it.

[Brett Vesely]

If it was this kid Enrique, these broads wouldn't be making a stink about anything.

[John Holberg]

They walk around with their butts up. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Like presenting baboons. Yep. Oh, Julio, I forgot to wear my maid's outfit. Thank you. Your dad has done it and his fingers are slimy and prune like. Yeah. Julio Glazers hasn't sexually assaulted anybody. Not guilty. Next case. Smoking Robinson, 88, didn't do it. Next case. Jesus Christ. Fight back. Apex predators fight back. Yeah. The tears of a clown. I'll be there in a second. You can walk away from this. Come back here. Don't you run from me, bitch. If you know it's good, you're already gone. The car's running, you're halfway down the road. He's not even at the door yet. Has anyone seen Frankie Valli from the Four Seasons? Oh, Cliff Richard. Oh, yeah. If you watch an 80 year old men perform, they can barely pick up the microphone. They're fingering you against your will. Fight back.

[Brady]

They just place Frankie on the stage. Right here is good. Yeah, let's do some songs.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I'd even rather have. Look, if a midget is like, Brad Williams threw a finger in me and turned like, ah, this is a fight. I might get a. He might get a couple of shots and he's strong and he's young, but I'm still gonna. Those are the only two good options. A midget and an old man. Can't sexually assault you. Can't do it. They can try to sexually assault you, but once that line is crossed, then it's up to you to end that.

[Brett Vesely]

Be a great story though.

[John Holberg]

If Brad Williams did that to you. Oh, look for this, for the next day's show, I'd be, I'd have him on and we're like, hey Brad, remember yesterday? Oh yeah, I would definitely. That would. Because it's a non threat. If Terry Crews shoves a finger at me, it's not necessarily going to be on the next day. I'm going to be kind of scared. And you're not going to talk about corner. Something's wrong with John. It's like, hey guys, what's up? You've been working out a lot. Yeah, that's why I limp. That's why. Precisely. Let's not talk about it.

[Brady]

How was lunch with Cruz?

[John Holberg]

And the next thing you hear is, I know what happened. I see it. Terry Crews finger him at home. Oh, the Korean guy saw it. The good news is you can call Samsung now and go, did you see Julio Iglesias finger me? We sure did. Why you fight back? He, oh, 82. Even if he stands there and you know, gets into the boxer stance, he goes, you know, Marcus of Queensberry, I. You clean the floors with an 82 year old that fingers your butt. It's not, it's not, can't be done. I think like, I think, yeah, I think after 77, there's no such thing as sexual assault from an old man unless it's against someone of age. Like if it's an 80 year old woman, it's like, okay, fair fight. He can sexually assault that. Well, he can't legally. I'm saying he's capable of it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that did sound bad. You're not wrong. Yes. I'm not saying it's fair game. So yeah, if it's an 80 year old woman and he starts throwing fingers in her, but now it's a fight she can't really win necessarily. He's. It's, you know, so then he can go to jail for that. But if it's anybody Under. If anybody under the age of 70 or, you know, fully capable. She's capable of cleaning a house. She's capable of kicking the out of Julio Iglesia, and I don't want to hear it. Oh, he would have fired me. Shut up. The story's better if you go full out Mike Tyson on his ass and then tell the story after. People would believe you more. I don't believe her because she didn't knock him cold. I was afraid for my job. You're a maid. What are you afraid for your. You get another job in the Dominican Republic. That's all there are there. Crazy. Call David Ortiz. He'll let you clean his house. There's tons of baseball players with money. You don't need to be Julio's maid. That's not your only option. You kick the living out of him, and then you call tmz, and everybody's like, well, you know, she beat the tar out of the guy. He must have done something. And then you investigate that middle finger, and if there's any Dominican made poop on it, he did it. That's why you cover your bases. After you knock him out, you sit on that finger a couple of times, make sure that the investigators have the DNA. So annoying to see these things. And poor Julio, who's lived this whole life. If he was gonna say, and Julio Iglesias has had enough sex. That dude was in his 50s banging women.

[Brady]

Would you put it past anyone going, I'll do this for 30 days, 90 days maybe, and then turn around and hit him with the loss.

[John Holberg]

I would hit him with money. I would try to ask him, like, look, you got to stop fingering my bottom, and we're gonna have a problem. And if he does it again after that, you knock him out again. My point is, I would believe it more if Julio was on 91 1. The maid is kicking my ass. Like, what'd you do? I do nothing. It's elderly abuse. I show up in the maid's like, yeah, kick the crap out of the guy, fingered my butt.

[Brady]

Like, oh, his butt is a little red.

[John Holberg]

But she's sitting there saying it's been going on for months. Like, come on, you get two. Everyone gets two after the age of 80. First one is, oh, boy. Not two digits. Okay, well, I mean, he might be a pro. He might be. Might. And by the way, if it's going in that easy, I call it the Shazam. Because you say it the second it happens. A dry anal exam. You can't help but just scream, shazam. The second it happens, you're not going in there. So you're moving quick. He's. He's lubed up. If it's going right in. And where are your pants? Where are your pants? Are you in a little maid's outfit, bent over? Come on. Story doesn't add up. I support Julio Iglesias and his sexual assault. He didn't do anything wrong.

[Brady]

He gooses everyone.

[John Holberg]

At 82, you're allowed to do it. That's not goofing. Goofing's just a touch. He's in you. That's different. And I don't think 82 year old men have the strength to penetrate a dry one. They'd fold. Their fingers would fold up. There's no strong 82 year old man that can get in there on a first shot.

[Brett Vesely]

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[Byron]

Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands.

[Brett Vesely]

O but what if he lives out of state?

[Byron]

Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online. It's really that simple.

[Brett Vesely]

There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[John Holberg]

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[Brett Vesely]

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[John Holberg]

I'm reading about Greenland and stuff and how we're going to Brady mentioned off the earlier is how would you feel if you were living in Greenland? I don't think they should be worried. There's only like 50,000 of them anyway. Nothing would change they just don't want somebody to say, we're going to. And then nobody wants that. Nobody wants somebody to say, I'm going to come in there and beat you up and take this. But I have a plan that would work. We've got countless amounts of operatives, right? American operatives. Like, you have hundreds of thousands of people that do, like, jobs on the sly for the government. Take like the. I don't know, it's like 56,000 people in Greenland. Take like 20,000Americans and just do like the Mexicans did to us. Just move in. Just go up there and move in and just. Just flood them with Americans and then have some sort of weird vote. And suddenly America just takes it accidentally. Like, you do what it's the way black people used to do in the 60s. They just move into white neighborhoods and everybody be like, what are they doing here? All right, well, that's it. And they'd leave. Like, Greenland will leave if we sent. I don't even know what we'd do if we sent black guys to Greenland. Those people are probably super racist. They've never seen anything like it. But if we just took all the black people willing to do it and gave them $100,000 each, they're just going to live in Greenland for a couple years until they shape up. They. They would be like, what this gun can't hear. I don't know how they sound, but they would definitely be. They'd notice. You send up some nice of him. It would be tough to get. But Mexicans, we take a bunch of them, we'd deport them to Greenland. It would freak out the Greenlandians. And like, all right, what do we. There's only 50,000 of them. They'd be like, what do we need to do? You can't even fill State Farm Stadium with all the residents of Greenland. We could win this in a day. We don't need to have a war with Greenland or use military, anything. Just move in. Do what? There goes the neighborhood. To Greenland. We send over some, like a bunch of. We tell a bunch of poor people, hey, you want a better life again? Everybody gets 100 grand. We're not going to pay off student loans. Everybody gets 100 grand. You're broke. We're gonna send you up to Greenland. You gotta live there for a year to kind of annoy them until they. They allow us to have it. That's Maryvale there. Send Maryvale to Greenland. You can't say it out loud, why. But you're like, we're gonna. We're Gonna send South Chicago and Maryvale. We know what you're doing. Nope, never said it out loud, just little bits. There could be some whites mixed in.

[Brady]

Cabrini, Greenland.

[John Holberg]

You just you. Yeah. Cabrini, Greenland. I like it. This is a good plan. Hellcats for everybody. Everyone gets a hellcat. You. There'd be a million people, son. I made a deal with Dodge. It's a good deal. Everybody wants to live in Greenland gets a free hellcat. And I mean the good one too. Like not that weird purple one. Unless that's what you want. But I don't know. Even I don't want you in Greenland. And you go every. There'd be a line around the White House 60 times. I'm here for the free hellcat. Where do I gotta live? In the city? In Greenland. We don't even know the names of the towns. There's a. There's a couple. Can I drive my hellcat to Greenland? I don't know. I didn't even know if it's connected. You can go.

[Brett Vesely]

We'll put you on a carnival cruise over there. Put your hellcat on there.

[John Holberg]

We'll get you there. Don't worry about it. And then all of Greenland will be like, why is that? What is happening? It's getting hot in here. So hot. I don't understand. Denmark would be like, stop. And they'd seem racist to the rest of the world. Stop moving black people into Greenland. Oh, I see what's going on here. You don't like blacks. No, you are fooling us. Look at racist Greenland. We should take them over and make them better. I don't know what's wrong with a bunch of black people moving into a white area. I don't know why they're so mad. And we could trick them. It's so much better than military anything. Free hellcats. If you move to Greenland, Carnival cruise for the rest of your life free. All you gotta do is move to Greenland and vote and it's ours. It makes the most sense saying stuff like he's saying. We're either gonna do this the easy way or the hard way. Military intervention. No, we don't need bombs for Greenland. We need a blacks for Greenland. I say if there's one thing I know about white people, they're insanely nervous about when their neighborhoods aren't. Aren't the same color. Greenland is white. This is an easy win.

[Brady]

Lovely. Minus 22 right now.

[John Holberg]

Well, you're gonna have a hard time with some of those in the south. I don't think there is a North, I think it gets to nothing up there.

[Brett Vesely]

The south side of Greenland.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, south side. And we're gonna get them a football team. You'd have. You'd have hundreds of thousands of people who aren't making it here. Take that hundred grand, move to Greenland and just live. And maybe they'd like it. I don't know what Greenland's got, but it's pretty awesome.

[Brady]

See the northern lights.

[John Holberg]

I don't want to hear NATO complain. I don't want politics. And I want to passive aggressively make Greenland look racist and in turn help however many people we can help here who aren't doing so great. Get a second chance in Greenland. They wouldn't even need jobs for the first few months because they'd have a hundred grand in their pocket now. That would burn fast. And gas up here is crazy. These Hellcats are 8, 8, 8 miles to the gallon.

[Brady]

That could be snow hellcats.

[John Holberg]

What the is a crooner. That's their money. It. It's just a dollar with a K. Yeah, just get. Yeah. Snow hellcats. Could you imagine? Dodge is making V8, 800 horsepower snowmobiles. You get one and every once you can call and say, hey, you hold all the cards. Hey, Trump, I blew through that hundred grand a little faster. All right? You got to be more responsible. There's another hundred thousand. Because if we're gonna spend a billion dollars fighting them, spend a billion dollars moving people in from here and make them look bad. All the green. We don't want all these black people. We win the second they say it. How dare you move the blacks to green up. We win. You stepped in it now, dummy. We like to keep it pure. Oh, that's. We are killing you right now. And you see all those bundled up black people looking like Kenny from South park just shaking. We have the army corps of engineers roll in and build like tons of houses or an apartment building right off the bat. We can do that in a day. Greenland is ours. And it's.

[Brady]

It's.

[John Holberg]

And it's not a new idea. It's exactly what we did to the Indians. You just showed up.

[Brady]

I love the tourism of Greenland. The visit stuff that you can do. Like if you visit there in the spring, the days are very long, March to May. And you can enjoy great outdoor activities like dog sledding.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it's all snow based. There's nothing but snow.

[Brady]

Watch the landscape come alive in the summer is whale watching and hiking. It's a little bit warmer. And then you can sail amongst the icebergs.

[John Holberg]

Oh, that's nice. Everything sounds a little chilly. I'm not gonna lie.

[Brady]

Then autumn, September through November, northern lights come in beautiful.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, that's kind of cool.

[John Holberg]

It's gorgeous. And there's a lot of pluses there, but, you know, I'm not. I don't even care. All I'm saying is you place it mentally, you make them look like jackasses right away. And if they start fighting back, then you slaughter them. It's great. Andre, one of our listeners says this sounds better than Alligator Alcatraz. Exactly. Exactly. It's like, this is a good idea. We don't take our criminals or our illegals. You just say, free Hellcats for everybody who wants to go. And it's volunteers, incentive, little bonus to move there. Yeah. 100 grand in a Hellcat if you want. We're not making anybody do it. And there would be a line from D.C. to Philadelphia going to Greenland. You would hear that. I'm. There'd be rap songs going to Greenland. It would be an awesome trip. We just make Greenland nervous.

[Brett Vesely]

Baltimore would be empty.

[John Holberg]

There. And that would be the best thing could have.

[Brett Vesely]

Greenland Ravens.

[John Holberg]

Look. That would be the best. Oh, I gotta go get a towel. You just made me one game a year. Yep.

[Brady]

One team would have to fly.

[John Holberg]

You just made me goop. No, the best thing can happen to residents of Baltimore is that they. They were moved out of Baltimore and we burned that down. Just show up. What's with all the military talk? They're not fighting back. There's none of them. There's none of them. They're a poor showing for a Cardinal game. That's the whole country. Can't even fill a stadium. We just show up, maybe 20,000. You don't even need a lot. You need a bad Diamondbacks crowd to just show up, start revving your engines and playing rap music, and they'll step in it. They'll slip up, they'll say something stupid and be like, oh, man, now we're. Now we're racist, too. You can't. You can't avoid it. 56,000 whites who've never lived with black people. See 20,000 hellcats in a line like Field of Dreams coming up there. Oh, they're gonna say something, and then they'll be the bad guys. And you can't defend it. If you build it, if you rev the engine, they will ease his pain. Yeah. And all you got to do is.

[Brady]

Like, where are you living? I live in Carnival. Greenland.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Shitty. You get Gunna and Travis Scott to put on A show and say free tickets to that once you get there. Good Lord, it's Astro World. Astro World. Greenland Utopia. And I'm fine. And finally you get. You'd go back and it would be hilarious to watch Greenland. Just the one thing I know about that Nordic whites don't say the loud parts. They live together in groups because they're afraid of colors. I know this from experience. I'm Swedish. My grandparents moved from Sweden to Mount Jewett, Pennsylvania, which might be the only place on the planet colder than Sweden. It was worse. But they found this little place in Pennsylvania that they knew no black people would ever move to. That's the reason they're there. You know where the other ones went? St. Olaf, Minnesota. The other most coldest International falls is wildly Swedish. They know. Well, we had to get out to Sweden. The king was Litvad. But we have to go someplace there's no blacks. And they found little places that no black people would ever move to.

[Brett Vesely]

There's no Somalians up there.

[Brady]

No.

[John Holberg]

Oh, okay. No. 98. What? 98. No way. Holmberg's morning sickness. And then for all you people driving to work this morning, recent study basically said that 93% of you pick your nose. And I've seen it in your cars. Nobody ever answers that question honestly. But everybody picks their nose. And it now is being linked directly to Alzheimer's. They're saying if you pick. Yeah, if you pick your nose a lot, you're a frequent nose picker. Your dirty fingers and the bacteria to the nose will lead to infections that lead to crusting. I have that. I have crusting in my right nostril from having busted my nose a couple times. I have a little bit of a deviated thing. And my. When you're in there a lot. Well, I. I go in with a napkin every morning and twist and pull the inner lining of this inside out because it's always crusty, and then it bleeds. And. And they're saying that. That, you know, your immediate connection, nose to brain connection, is the most crucial for, you know, keeping bacteria out of there. We all stick our fingers in our noses, whether you want to admit it or not. But they're saying that that's the hallmark of Alzheimer's. So it could lead to Alzheimer's. So if you're picking your nose right now, think about it. It's probably going to lead to your brain shutting off. However, if it were true, then, like, 90% of us would end up with Alzheimer's. Doctors are saying it's not too late. If you've been a picker for years and years, your fingers are kind of now like a penis in the 80s. Wrap it up. We need little finger rubbers for pickers. And that way you can get in there and dig around without your dirty ass fingers going in your nose. It's a fact. You're a picker, I'm a picker. We're all pickers. You can't help it. Sometimes you're sitting in the car and like, Jesus, something in there, you don't realize it. You pull one out and you're like. And everybody's like, yeah, that's gross. You're doing it. I use stop lights. People think they're invisible in their cars. We've all looked over and got, oh, digging for gold over there. I try to keep it casual, but in the morning I go in with. I wrap toilet paper around my finger and I go in there deep. And lately it's been great. This morning was horrible. I had a big nosebleed this morning when I got out of the car. I wasn't from picking, which was. I even said, did I hit something? Nope. But if you've got that crusty nose like I've got, we're all going to be brain dumb when we're old. And that's fine by me. Out of them already are. Yeah, yeah. Most of them are probably that. But scientists are quick to say that they're linking nose picking to Alzheimer's, but they're also not sure what causes it. Could be anything. I'm pretty sure there's more studies. They say if you start losing smell early, that's one of the first signs. Alzheimer's first takes your smell a little bit and. And a lot of times that's the. You've been picking and ripping it. You know, the nerve endings. You just numbed them down and they don't smell anymore. So the smell tests are a quick way to go. Oh, we got a test for Alzheimer's. Because your smell starts to go. And if your parents did it, you know, they're pickers. Everybody's a picker. So in your car right now, if you could just kind of pull back a little bit, get your finger out of there.

[Brady]

People that have wrap it up, blown their nasal passages, you know, like too much cocaine and stuff, they lose their smell.

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah, Coke people will lose their smells. Yeah, yeah. If you put your finger in my right nostril and you could fit your fingers in my right nostril, it's massive. You could fit a Hyundai in my Right nostril. And you felt that you'd be like, wow. It's like one of those topographical maps. It is not smooth the left one smooth the right one. It's like mars awful in there. That's because I busted my nose three times. So when you break your nose, evidently there's like all sorts of problems with one of your breathing paths. Just dries it out. It's like I've got a fan on my nostril the whole time. But don't pick your nose this morning. It's all a little public service announcement to everybody. Did you pick this morning on the way in? I don't think so. Probably, though, I blew it in the shower, so. Oh, you're one of those. I find that to be disgusting. My dad used to do that. You'd hear it.

[Brett Vesely]

Sometimes when I wake up, the allergies are so bad.

[John Holberg]

It's. You know, I gotta get the steam and everything going, throw it out in the shower, and then you just kind of kick it around. I just let the water take the drink. I'm not better because I usually do it on the walk up to the door here at work.

[Brett Vesely]

Do the farmer blow.

[John Holberg]

A farmer's blow on the sidewalk. Sometimes I look down and it's like a period.

[Brady]

Oh.

[John Holberg]

So if you're one, that's great stuff. Now I hope somebody listening walks up there, goes. That's. That's John's thing. In fact, my nose was bleeding so bad this morning, I went into the ladies room to get the towels in there, and then I just can't be up there. Yeah. And then I just placed them in the trash like a pig would. So there's just blood and it's gross. But I did it because it's like, now you know how we feel when we see it. But. Yeah, don't pick your nose anymore.

[Brady]

I blow my nose before I go to bed, and then when I. After the shower, when I wake up.

[John Holberg]

You don't do it in the shower.

[Brady]

No.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. You're a picker. And I know it because whenever we say, hey, Brady, you got something in there, you just reach for it. Everybody, we got to get over this.

[Brady]

There's something in there. I'm getting it.

[John Holberg]

I don't understand why people are so like.

[Brady]

It's just. Especially if you can't. If it.

[John Holberg]

You can't blow it out, Right. You got to get it. And it's like. And people can see it. Like when the other day, I was at the Sunscape, and my friend Anthony turns to me, and he goes, john, I'm your only friend. I'm like, what? And he goes, you got something on your nostril. I'm like, ah. Which is a horrible fear of mine.

[Brett Vesely]

Like, really?

[John Holberg]

How long's it been there? I'm like, Like, I don't know. I just noticed it. And I said, I'm the only person who would tell you. And I'm like, all right. And I. I didn't like, go, I've got to go to the bathroom and get a tissue. I went right to it, pulled it off, probably wiped it on my pants. I don't know where it went. But everybody acts all like, oh, it's disgusting because other people's boogers are gross. 98. What? 98. No way. Holmberg's morning sickness. I do have to say that my attempts to remain casual about political opinions because again, as I've told you, I don't care. We don't control a thing. All I'm doing is reading the tea leaves. We're gonna attack Greenland. We're gonna attack him. I didn't say I was for it or against it. I'm saying if we're gonna do it, here's an idea Kyle has emailed in. Don't pander to the MAGA retards, please. Taking over Greenland would not end well. Stick to the fart jokes. Uh, kind of think my black invasion of Greenland was a fart joke. I'm pretty sure you're the one that's lost your mind here. You thought I was serious through that? I have to explain that to you. You were all for taking over Greenland. Did you hear Hal? Kyle, relax with Hellcats and Carnival cruises. You're like, ah, he's a right win. How can I let stick to far jokes or jokes that I understand, Kyle, Really. I just know you're gonna make those red headed weirdos happy. Right? That's my job, making people smile. But I wasn't smiling. That's what matters most. If you were politically stung by my Hellcats Carnival cruise raising Cane's blacks to Greenland plan, and you want to make us think about it, feel free. But also look in the mirror and say, what the am I doing with my time?

[Brady]

Maybe he can make him happier by saying, we'll turn Greenland into the ice headquarters.

[John Holberg]

Ah, that must be. No. People with red hats are smiling. Did it again. But there is. I do firmly believe, although I think it's abused and used too much, that there is a Trump derangement syndrome. That people are so hateful for him. You confuse What I said for a political statement. Because your brain is all politics now, Kyle. I'm. To be clear, pretty sure my Hellcats to Greenland plan is not going to fly. Let me just say that right off the bat that I'm not going to really go down and petition for it now. If I get a call later today, I'd be like, hey, somebody in the Fed there. I want the. All I'm doing it for at that point is attention. Like all of you with Instagram. It would be hysterical if I was the face of the carnival and Hellcats to Greenland program and it got taken seriously. I'd run with that forever because it's funnier. Don't tell me to stick to fart jokes when you didn't get it in the first place. Did you hear Homburg this morning? Maga retard. What'd he do? Oh, he said we should give hellcats to black people and move them to Greenland to scare all the racist Inuit whites up there. And you took that seriously? The government just might do that. You took that seriously? Well, what about. How am I supposed to take it? Maga retards. Don't say maga retards to me either. If it's. If what I said offended you. You can't say maga retards because you're on the side that's not supposed to do that. I'm the one that gets to say retard because I don't pick a side. I think there are plenty of maga retards. I also think there's a lot of lib tards. A lot of tards is what I'm saying.

[Brett Vesely]

He hates these tards.

[John Holberg]

Yes. If anybody thought that plan I had was something that is going to rally the base, you're lost in your own nonsense and you need to take a step away. I will stick to the fart jokes. I made plenty of them this morning. Julio Iglesias finger was making tons of fart sounds. I've hit my quota. Do I think my Blacks to Greenland is a good idea? Yes. Do I think it's realistic? No.

[Brady]

I don't know.

[Brett Vesely]

Carnival's going there.

[John Holberg]

Now look, we all know that there's a. Yeah. Oh, now look at him. Oh, his hat turned red. Oh, got a poster. Melania up. How's this happening so fast?

[Brady]

You do.

[John Holberg]

There's a thread of potential reality that's called satire. Oh, I have to explain it all to Kyle. Stick to the fart jokes, jackass. Enough politics. Like, how was that political? Well, you want to Take over Greenland again. Reset. And I knew. I told you, Brady, while I was doing it. Like, people will be mad about this. They'd rather have a military war than they would like a satirical crazy plan.

[Brady]

That's.

[Brett Vesely]

It's.

[John Holberg]

It's a South park episode. I just wrote a South park episode. That's all that was. I can't imagine the emails they get. Oh, man, I can't believe you'd support that. It's like, oh, my God, how do you run that?

[Brady]

It's a network.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, the crazy can't get out of your own way politically and just take a breath and go. He. He doesn't just say that. Do you think John means this? Kinda. But let's just be realistic here. Calm down, Kyle J. You're good. And don't write. Stick to the fart jokes. At the end of something, you put retard in. Please, let's just have an accord here. Although I do love when the nutbags email. I just. Absolutely. And Garen said Kyle's an idiot. That plan wouldn't work for MAGA because it involves paying black people. Right? They wouldn't do that. That would be. That would be a really rough sell for them. It's a fun plan. Probably not real. Anyway. It's 803. It's time for Brady to give you the real news.

[Brett Vesely]

Don't tart it up, Brady.

[John Holberg]

Maga. You're gonna get all the MAGA retards excited and they're gonna start talking about this, like, good. That's hilarious. Little levity. It's time for Brady. Yeah. Try not to tart it up either direction. Lib or maga. We got a lot of tards floating around the edges here. We need the guy to come clean the tank a little and get all the algae off the corners, because the fish in the middle are beautiful. It's time for Brady to give you all the news. It's called the Brady Report. It's brought to you by our [e-mail]. shade. He's talking about it again.

[Sponsor Announcer]

What I miss. I've been on the horror. A bunch of hellcat dealers.

[John Holberg]

Oh, no. Yeah. If you can get it done, get it done. Because I find that to be the more hysterical thing that if this plan flew. Be like, not disinterested. I'd be like Brewster's Millions. And I just get everybody to vote. None of the above.

[Brady]

There's a video that's circulating online where a woman claims she's heard the key to picking the sweetest naval orange Is to look at its booty hole.

[John Holberg]

Come on, Brie.

[Brady]

She swears she's like you look at the orange and take a look at the navel part. And the navel.

[John Holberg]

What is that?

[Brady]

Should be small and tight. Well, yeah.

[John Holberg]

Who's picking a good advice. Picking a big loose bottom of an orange. That goes for all you think you're revealing new information.

[Brady]

She also says the heavier oranges are better.

[John Holberg]

Okay, no, he's doing this cause it had the word booty. Kirby's still listening. Of course you don't pick an orange with a big hole in the bottom. An old blown out hole. Prolapse anal oranges are like women. You want them tight, a little juicy in the middle and not fat. Not fat with big blown out holes. I won't even eat an orange if I pull it off the tree and too much of the top comes out.

[Brett Vesely]

Too much of the booty hole comes out.

[John Holberg]

Well, is that the booty hole? I thought the bottom hole, Brady. Yeah, Brady. Which is the booty hole? The part connected to the tree or the underneath?

[Brady]

The underneath.

[John Holberg]

Okay, what's the top? The skull? The machine?

[Brady]

Maybe this is the other way around.

[John Holberg]

Oh.

[Brett Vesely]

Should I google and oranges?

[John Holberg]

Yeah, because Brady got cute and now he doesn't know.

[Brady]

Yeah, I always thought the top part, where the the branch was, was not the booty hole. The navel.

[John Holberg]

It's not really the name of it. It doesn't have an A hole.

[Brady]

It's the orange anus.

[John Holberg]

He's an idiot. You know what? Kyle's right.

[Brady]

It is the opposite end of where it's connected to the tree.

[John Holberg]

Okay, so it says it on the.

[Brady]

Called the blossom end.

[John Holberg]

Right? It's not the booty hole.

[Brett Vesely]

Here's some booty hole porn for you.

[John Holberg]

That's the top. That's the thing that came off. Is that the. Is Velma the one that's telling us this problem?

[Brady]

No.

[Sponsor Announcer]

According to AI, a naval orange has an outer rind called the peel with a porous outer layer called the floveto. An inner white pith. The albedo which surrounds 10 to 12 juicy seedless segments called the carpels.

[John Holberg]

Now it's just an orange. I'm enough with this page. Was the name no such thing as an orange booty hole. It's tight.

[Sponsor Announcer]

No, look, he's bringing up Velma because.

[John Holberg]

It'S no the picture. Yeah, there was a lady that looked like Thelma. What? 98? No way. Holmberg's morning sickness. And we're not in St. Louis. And that's the thing. All Right. Everybody calm down. The simulation is broken. And I realized it a long time ago, but this is proof of it. There are a bunch of. What are they called? Oh, what's the name of these things? Velvet monkeys. They call them or green monkeys. And they're loose in St. Louis. Tons of them, right? So they go to the zoo and they're like, hey, your velvet monkeys. Your green monkeys are loose. And the zoo's like, nuh. And they're like, what? And so they went to some other place and they said, oh, you lost your velvet monkeys. We've got them. They're running all over St. Louis. And they're like, all of ours are accounted for. So now St. Louis has a problem, and they don't know where it came from or why it's happening that they're running amok in St. Louis. In the article, it says, this is how dumb America is. The species is native to the sub Saharan Africa, not Missouri. Some people, it's one of those. Wow, those southern Missouri velvet green monkeys. Yeah. So they got those running around, and that's just proof that we've lost. I started thinking about this in, like, the 1930. If your neighbor had four velvet monkeys in the backyard, you just. You'd put a stop to it. Like, we're way too accommodating for nonsense now. People shouldn't be allowed to have subsaharan pets that don't belong here. That, by the way, murder people if they're loose. They're like, please don't approach them. They don't know how many there are either, and they don't know where they came from. So there's some dude out there who just, like, went out in his backyard one day and he's like, where's the monkeys? I ain't saying anything. Just cleaned up the cages and, like, I want my house.

[Sponsor Announcer]

He got rid of the evidence.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. Like, your neighbor said, you used to have a bunch of them. Oh, he's crazy. My neighbor's insane.

[Sponsor Announcer]

They were like, that guy.

[John Holberg]

But it was important to include in the article that they're not native to Missouri. For those of you walking around going, look, the elusive subsaharan Missouri monkey.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Come on, John.

[Brady]

What?

[Sponsor Announcer]

150, 200 years of schooling hasn't taught him that monkeys aren't native to America.

[John Holberg]

It's proof that we have no clue what's going on. And the whole thing's destroyed. This. It's broken. So here's my hope. Fingers crossed. The monkeys Become native to Missouri. And we have a massive problem with them. Like, they're everywhere. St. Louis especially, because the Cardinals are there and I hate them. And if we could have maybe, I don't know, one of the. Like, during a St. Louis Cardinals game, one just rogue flies out of the crowd and attacks the first baseman and just eats him right there on tv. And like, well, that's one of those Missouri ones. Nothing we can do about them. We lost control of that years ago. You got to remember, we. This has happened with the boa constriction. And we kind of are like, yeah, that'll happen. A couple other things we've loaded up in states, and they don't belong there. I want to read for the rest of my life about the scourge of the Velvet Monkeys of St. Louis. I know.

[Brett Vesely]

What are you doing?

[John Holberg]

Look, I'm not talking to him right now. I'm just saying it's a hilarious title for a threat thousand different reasons. And I want it to be part of humanity. Now St. Louis is closed. And by the way, this is exactly how outbreak began.

[Brady]

We might have some here. Wildlife World Zoo.

[John Holberg]

Well, that's a zoo, Brady. That's okay. If all of a sudden there's one on 50. What are you not following on 50 seconds? And we go to the zoo and they're like, nope, we've got all ours. Well, where did this come from? No one has an answer. There's no permits. There's nothing. So they're running all over. And I pray to Brady's God, top to bottom, please let there be a massive population boom of velvet green monkeys in Missouri. That makes it uninhabitable for humanity. Please make them violent and hilarious, because that would be amazing. And then you could get to hear some dumb people every once in a while going, you know, they're not supposed to be like, yeah, of course. Anyway, they give you a number. Say if you see one, just call this number. And there's the other thing that we're going to see because everything's on video. You're going to see some poor. Like, I don't know what office. He wouldn't be the cops, but maybe a cop. Like, hey, there's one in my front yard. And he's got to stand there and like, I gotta. I gotta shoot that thing. And I don't know what if I miss? It's gonna crush me. And that'll be on the news. Got one.

[Brady]

Yeah, that'd be tough.

[John Holberg]

God would be impossible.

[Brady]

You're shot off having the.

[John Holberg]

They don't train for that.

[Brady]

Tranquilizers, call them the wildlife.

[John Holberg]

You gotta get some specialist. That's why I hope it goes insane. Please let this go nuts. The fact that we allowed it, we deserve it. Humans have to take our punches sometimes. When we get cute and go, it's all right. You can have a wild animal in your house. When it gets loose, don't get mad at the animal. Let it go. We can't. What about us? You weren't thinking when you were being all free and easy with like people should be allowed to have wild. No, no. Exotic, don't belong here. Animals, tigers, koala, all that. No, it stays where it goes.

[Brady]

Brady, Our lovebirds are beautiful.

[John Holberg]

You saw what happened there.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Good point.

[John Holberg]

They're everywhere.

[Sponsor Announcer]

They're all in your neighborhood.

[John Holberg]

No, we chased them off.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Oh, you did?

[John Holberg]

Well, those big hawks showed up, too. All of a sudden, we had those kestrels that were screaming in the backyard. And the next thing you know, you're finding beautiful little heads laying around your backyard. Glorious orange, pretty little lovebird heads.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Your dogs must love that.

[John Holberg]

Well, they don't know. I get to them pretty quick. Okay. I don't know where the bodies are. The dogs might leave the heads for me. But they're like, brett, it is so sad to see something so pretty decapitated. Said O.J. it is true. So all I'm saying is, if you're gonna toy with this idea and you lose a countless amount of velvet monkeys in a major metropolitan area, I root for the monkey. It's out of control now.