01-14-26 - John Presents A Grand Plan Involving Hellcats And Cruises To Make Greenland Join The United States - Doctors Now Say Picking Your Nose Could Lead To Alzheimer's

Summary

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Episode Overview

Main Theme:
The hosts of "Holmberg's Morning Sickness" dive into an offbeat, satirical plan to make Greenland join the United States—by incentivizing Americans (particularly underprivileged populations, with special perks) to relocate en masse, thus passively "acquiring" the country. This leads to a wide-ranging, edgy, and self-deprecating discussion on American culture, racism, and U.S. expansionist tendencies. The episode also covers new medical claims linking nose-picking to Alzheimer's, finishing on notes of humor, music, and pet ownership advice.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. John's Satirical "Grand Plan" for Greenland (01:15–25:33)

The Pitch: Take Greenland “the Easy Way”

• John jokes about avoiding military intervention by relocating large numbers of Americans (especially marginalized groups) to Greenland, outnumbering the local population and achieving de facto annexation.
• The plan involves incentives: each volunteer gets $100,000 and a free Dodge Hellcat, with Carnival Cruise passage to Greenland.
• The humor is dark and self-aware, drawing on U.S. racial and class stereotypes, as well as historical analogies.

Highlights & Quotes:

• On Mass Relocation:
  “Take like 20,000 Americans and just do like the Mexicans did to us. Just move in... flood them with Americans, and then have some sort of weird vote. And suddenly America just takes it accidentally.”
  — John (03:07)

• On Weaponizing White Fragility:
  “If there’s one thing I know about white people, they’re insanely nervous about when their neighborhoods aren’t the same color. Greenland is white. This is an easy win.”
  — John (07:03)

• On Incentives:
  “Hellcats for everybody.”
  — Lamont (05:16)

  “We tell a bunch of poor people, hey, you want a better life again, everybody gets 100 grand. [...] All you gotta do is move to Greenland and vote and it’s ours.”
  — John (04:32)

Satirical Expansion: Logistics, Street Names, and “Cultural Engineering”

• The team riffs on details, like changing Greenland’s street names to honor African American icons and building instant housing with Army Corps of Engineers.
• Imagines a “Domino Effect” of passive-aggressive takeovers and Americanization.

Highlights:

• On Making Greenland Uncomfortable:
  “Just show up... start revving your engines and playing rap music, and they’ll slip up. They’ll say something stupid and be like, oh, man, now we’re racist too.”
  — John (12:33)

• On Cultural Renaming:
  “First you change the street names, then the people. And then they start talking crazy and make all the racist comments. And it’s ours. It’s a trick. It’s a trap.”
  — John (20:07)

• On Logistics:
  “You march those black people here and make us do your bathing. No, it would... It's a perfect plan.”
  — John (18:50)

Underlying Satire and Social Commentary

• The plan intentionally exploits and exposes U.S. and Nordic racial anxiety.
• The crew calls out American hypocrisy: more people would condone military action than a passive “occupation” because it’s less directly uncomfortable.

Highlight:

• “80% of people, if they had the choice, would say, yeah, military intervention before that whole hellcats and black people thing. Lose their minds. But I’m right because no one can hear it and feel okay about themselves because their scab gets picked, too.”
  — John (25:12)

Notable Laughter Points

• Multiple riffs about emptying out Baltimore and Maryvale for Greenland ("Baltimore would be empty." — Brady, 12:24) and using child-support amnesty to incentivize dads (“You’d see your dad in line”—24:20).
• Imaginary Greenland rap songs and Carnival cruises packed with Hellcats.

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2. Tech Paranoia & Surveillance (01:36–02:27)

• Brief discussion on how devices (TVs, phones, computers) “listen” to conversations, giving people targeted ads.
• John expresses half-serious comfort with being surveilled, but notes the oddity of receiving unrelated ads.

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3. From Expansion to Scandal: The “Timothy Busfield” Segment (25:33–31:50)

• The hosts discuss recent accusations against Timothy Busfield, dissecting his legal and public response with skepticism.
• John explains his formula: an innocent man would react with immediate outrage and denial—not disappear, then return with a lawyer’s statement.
• Touches on similar cases (Brian Callan), highlighting how public reaction is often driven by “guilt signals.”

Highlight:

• “If any kid accused me and I didn’t do it, I’d be badmouthing his little ass... I wouldn’t disappear for three days and come back with a legal statement...”
  — John (27:07)

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4. Nose-Picking & Alzheimer’s: A Public Health Twist (31:50–38:19)

New Study: Picking Your Nose Linked to Alzheimer’s

• John relays a newly published study suggesting frequent nose picking may introduce pathogens and increase Alzheimer’s risk.
• Nearly everyone admits to picking; humor ensues as they swap “best practices” (tissue, farmer blows, post-shower methods).

Highlights:

• On Universality:
  “It’s a fact. You’re a picker, I’m a picker—we’re all pickers. You can’t help it.”
  — John (33:45)

• On Risk Factors and Denial:
  “If it were true, then, like, 90% of us would end up with Alzheimer’s... so for those of you picking now, just know that’s one IQ point coming off every time.”
  — John (34:31; 38:19)

• Gross-Out:
  “Sometimes I look down and it’s like a period.”
  — John on blowing his nose outside work (36:36)

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5. Pet Loss, Grieving, and Giving Back (38:19–41:03)

• Listener shares experience of letting a beloved 19-year-old Chihuahua go; hosts advise channeling grief into rescuing another dog.
• John:
  "If you can do for another dog what you did for the last one, you keep the cycle of dogs being in good homes alive." (39:41)

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6. Music & Wake-Up Song Picks (41:03–End)

• Song picks for the day: Foo Fighters’ “White Limo” (for Dave Grohl’s birthday) and Body Count’s “There Goes the Neighborhood,” riffing off their Greenland scheme.
• Light-hearted music banter weaves into the show’s end:
  “I just love to see that—just driving right off the Carnival Cruise out the back. Just one Hellcat after another.”
  — John (41:51)

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• “Take like 20,000 Americans and just do like the Mexicans did to us. Just move in.” (03:07 – John)
• “If there’s one thing I know about white people, they’re insanely nervous about when their neighborhoods aren’t the same color.” (07:03 – John)
• “Hellcats for everybody.” (05:16 – Lamont)
• “Just show up... start revving your engines and playing rap music, and they’ll slip up.” (12:33 – John)
• “First you change the street names, then the people. And then they start talking crazy and make all the racist comments. And it’s ours. It’s a trick. It’s a trap.” (20:07 – John)
• “80% of people…would say, yeah, military intervention before that whole Hellcats and black people thing. Lose their minds.” (25:12 – John)
• "It’s a fact. You’re a picker, I’m a picker—we’re all pickers. You can’t help it." (33:45 – John)
• "If it were true, then, like, 90% of us would end up with Alzheimer’s…so for those of you picking now, just know that’s one IQ point coming off every time." (34:31, 38:19 – John)
• “If you can do for another dog what you did for the last one, you keep the cycle of dogs being in good homes alive.” (39:41 – John)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:15 — John introduces his Greenland plan
• 03:07–09:13 — Satirical scheme details, Hellcats, and discussions of racial anxiety
• 12:24 — Joke about emptying Baltimore and sending residents to Greenland
• 20:07 — “Trap” of Americanizing Greenland
• 25:12 — Comparing military action to “passive occupation”
• 31:50 — Nose-picking linked to Alzheimer's; public service mock-announcement
• 39:41 — Pet loss and adopting rescue animals
• 41:03 — Wake-up songs and playful episode wrap

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Tone & Language

• Sarcastic, irreverent, self-aware humor—equal parts lampooning and societal critique.
• Real language, direct, and bordering on “un-PC,” but transparently satirical.

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Summary for New Listeners

This episode of "Holmberg’s Morning Sickness" is a deep-dive into John’s tongue-in-cheek proposal for peacefully taking over Greenland—with all the biting wit, taboo-busting, and cultural lampooning the show is known for. Alongside, there’s a blend of relatable life humor (nose-picking PSA), cultural references, and real moments of empathy (pet loss, rescue advocacy). For new listeners, expect edgy jokes balanced with a surprising amount of insight and a dose of self-deprecation—a classic mix from this Arizona morning team.

Transcript

[Brady]

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[Michael from Restore My Civil Rights]

This is Michael with Restore My Civil Rights. It's still over 110 degrees outside, and the political climate is just as hot. If you've lost your right to possess a firearm due to a criminal conviction, we can help at Restore My Civil Rights. We help Arizonans restore all of their rights because constitutional rights shouldn't depend on the next election results. To book a free consultation, call 855-gun- rights or visit restoremycivil rights.com today. That's restore my civil rights.com.

[John]

Yeah. Yeah. Feeling good on a Wednesday. All right, here we go. Let's get this thing started. Thank you, Thomas James Band. And ready to roll them out there. Somebody came up with a great idea for the Julio Iglesias test. It was if you take an old man who's been accused of sexually penetrating you with his fingers in court, you just have, like, they do baseball. Have you ever been to a baseball card show, Brett?

[Brady]

Oh, yeah.

[John]

They take that piece of bread and they try to cut the bread with your card to see if it's pristine. You ever done that one? That's what you do. The old Julio Iglesias. If he can get his fingers into a loaf of bread, we'll do a trial. If he can't, it's nothing. Try to poke through the side of a loaf of bread. Otherwise, he didn't do anything wrong. Buckled up. Arthritic finger. There's no way. Not a thing. And all these people are now emailing me that there's some video out there of how TVs have actually got the capability of watching, recording, and doing that. I'm not. I'm not worried about that. I don't mind it watching.

[Eric]

You're saying that about your computer, too.

[John]

Oh, computers, they always say cover the thing with, like, a sticky note.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[John]

Because anything with a camera can Be turned on and off. But.

[Brady]

Well, even we've been sitting in here when you start talking about your Mac Weldon's that day.

[John]

Oh, my God.

[Brady]

I've never even heard the term before. And then all of a sudden, I'm getting ads on my phone.

[John]

Yeah, it's a. It's definitely these. Listen, something going on here. Even these computers, I'm not even tied to the ones in front of me. And they do stuff where I'm like, well, we just talked about breast pumps. How come I'm getting ads for that? This computer doesn't even have a link to my phone. It can hear us. Sometimes it lets slip. Let you know it's. It's in your system. So there you go. I'm reading about Greenland and stuff and how we're gonna. Brady mentioned off the earlier is how would you feel if you were living in Greenland? I don't think they should be worried. There's only like 50,000 of them anyway. Nothing would change. They just don't want somebody to say, we're gonna. And then nobody wants that. Nobody wants somebody to say, I'm gonna come in there and beat you up and take this. But I have a plan that would work. We've got countless amounts of operatives, right? American operatives. Like, you have hundreds of thousands of people that do, like, jobs on the sly for the government. Take like the. I don't know. It's like 56,000 people in Greenland. Take like 20,000Americans and just do like the Mexicans did to us. Just move in. Just go up there and move in and just. Just flood them with Americans and then have some sort of weird vote. And suddenly America just takes it accidentally. Like, you do what. It's the way black people used to do in the 60s. They just move into white neighborhoods and everybody be like, what are they doing here? And like, all right, well, that's it. And they'd leave. Like, Greenland will leave if we sent. I don't even know what we'd do if we sent black guys to Greenland. Those people are probably super racist. They've never seen anything like it. But if we just took all the black people willing to do it and gave him $100,000 each, and he's gonna live in Greenland for a couple years until they shape up. They would be like, what this gun can't hear. I don't know how they sound, but there would definitely be. They'd notice you send up some. It's nice of them. It would be tough to get. But Mexicans, we take a bunch of them. We deport them to Greenland. It would freak out the Greenlandians. Like, all right, what do we. There's only 50,000 of them. They'd be like, what do we need to do? You can't even fill State Farm stadium with all the residents of Greenland. We could win this in a day. We don't need to have a war with Greenland or use military, anything. Just move in. Do what? There goes the neighborhood. To Greenland. We send over some. Like a bunch of. We tell a bunch of poor people, hey, you want a better life again, everybody gets 100 grand. We're not going to pay off student loans. Everybody gets 100 grand. You're broke. We're going to send you up to Greenland. You got to live there for a year or two and kind of annoy them until they. They allow us to have it.

[Brady]

That's Maryvale there.

[John]

Send Maryvale to Greenland. You can't say it out loud. Why. But you're like, we're going to.

[Lamont]

We're going to send South Chicago and Maryvale.

[John]

We know what you're doing.

[Lamont]

Nope, Never said it out loud. Just little bits. That could be some whites mixed in.

[Eric]

Cabrini, Greenland, you just.

[John]

You get Cabrini, Greenland. I like it. But this is a good plan. Hellcats for everybody.

[Lamont]

Everyone gets a hellcat who moves to you.

[John]

There'd be a million people, son.

[Lamont]

I made a deal with Dodge.

[John]

It's a good deal.

[Lamont]

Everybody wants to live in Greenland gets a free hellcat. And I mean the good one, too. Like, not that weird purple one, unless that's what you want. But I don't know. Even I don't want you in Greenland.

[John]

And you go. There'd be a line around the White House 60 times. I'm here for the free hellcat. Where do I got to live in.

[Lamont]

A city in Greenland? We didn't even know the names of the towns. There's a. There's a couple.

[John]

Can I drive my hellcat to Greenland?

[Lamont]

I don't know. I didn't even know if it's connected.

[John]

You can go.

[Brady]

We'll put you on a carnival cruise over there. Put your hellcat on there. We'll get you there. Don't worry about it.

[John]

And then all of Greenland will be like, why is that? That what is happening? It's getting hot in here. So hot. I don't understand. And Denmark will be like, stop. And they'd seem racist to the rest of the world. Stop moving black people into Greenland.

[Lamont]

Oh, I see what's going on here. You don't like blacks.

[John]

No. You are fooling us.

[Lamont]

Look at racist Greenland. We should take them over and make them better. I don't know what's wrong with a bunch of black people moving into a white area. I don't know why they're so mad.

[John]

And we could trick them. It's so much better than military anything. Free Hellcats. If you move to Greenland, Carnival cruise for the rest of your life. Free. All you got to do is move to Greenland and vote and it's ours. It makes the most sense saying stuff like he's saying, we're either gonna do.

[Lamont]

This the easy way or the hard way. I went military intervention.

[John]

No, we don't need bombs for Greenland. We need a blacks for Greenland. I say if there's one thing I know about white people, they're insanely nervous about when their neighborhoods aren't. Aren't the same color. Greenland is white. This is an easy win.

[Eric]

Lovely. Minus 22 right now.

[John]

Well, you're going to have a hard time with some of those. I don't think there is a north. I think it gets to nothing up there.

[Brady]

The south side of Greenland.

[John]

Yeah, south side.

[Lamont]

And we're going to get him a football team.

[John]

You'd have. You'd have hundreds of thousands of people who aren't making it here. Take that 100 grand, move to Greenland and just live. And maybe they'd like it. I don't know what Greenland's got, but it's pretty awesome.

[Eric]

You can see the northern lights.

[John]

I don't want to hear NATO complain. I don't want politics involved. I want to passive aggressively make Greenland look racist and in turn help however many people we can help here who aren't doing so great. Get a second chance in Greenland. They wouldn't even need jobs for the first few months because they'd have 100 grand in their pocket now. That would burn fast. And gas up here is crazy as Hellcats at 8, 8, 8, 8 miles to the gallon.

[Eric]

Snow hellcats.

[John]

What the is a crooner?

[Lamont]

That's their money.

[John]

It.

[Lamont]

It's just a dollar with a K.

[John]

Yeah, just get.

[Lamont]

Yeah.

[John]

Snow hellcats. Could you imagine?

[Lamont]

Dodge is making V8, 800 horsepower snowmobiles.

[John]

You get one and every once you can call and say, hey, you hold all the cards. Hey, trump, I blew through that hundred grand a little faster. All right?

[Lamont]

You got to be more responsible. There's another hundred thousand.

[John]

Because if we're gonna spend a billion dollars fighting them, spend a billion dollars moving people in from here and make them look bad. All the green we don't want all these black people. We win the second they say it. How dare you move the blacks to green up.

[Lamont]

We win.

[John]

You stepped in it now, dummy. We like to keep it pure. Oh, that's the. We are killing you right now. And you see all those bundled up black people looking like Kenny from South park just shaking. We have the army corps of engineers roll in and build like tons of houses or an apartment building right off the bat. We can do that in a day. Greenland is ours. And it's.

[Eric]

It's.

[John]

And it's not a new idea. It's exactly what we did to the Indians. You just showed up.

[Eric]

I love the tourism of Greenland. Visit stuff that you can do. Like if you visit there in the spring, the days are very long, March to May. And you can enjoy great outdoor activities like dog sledding.

[John]

Yeah. It's all snow based. There's nothing but snow.

[Eric]

Watch the landscape come alive. In the summer is whale watching.

[John]

Yeah.

[Eric]

And hiking. It's a little bit warmer. And then you can sail amongst the icebergs.

[John]

That's nice. Everything sounds a little chilly. I'm not going to lie.

[Eric]

In autumn, September through November, northern lights come in.

[John]

Beautiful.

[Brady]

That's kind of cool.

[John]

It's gorgeous. And there's a lot of pluses there. But you know, I'm not. I don't even care. All I'm saying is you place it mentally, you make them look like jackasses right away and if they start fighting back, then you slaughter them. It's great. Andre, one of our listeners says this sounds better than Alligator Alcatraz. Exactly. It's like, this is a good idea. We don't take our criminals or our illegals. You just say free hellcats for everybody who wants to go. And it's volunteers, incentive, little bonus to move there. Yeah. 100 grand in a hellcat if you want. We're not making anybody do it. And there would be a line from D.C. to Philadelphia.

[Eric]

Try it.

[John]

Going to Greenland. You would hear that. I'm. There'd be rap songs. Going to Greenland. It would be an awesome trip. What? 98. No way. It's John Holberg here from the Morning Sickness to tell you about my [e-mail] you got something you want to do in that backyard because it's just not what you want it to be. Make it beautiful. With turfmonstersaz.com you can turf it. You throw in a sport court. You can put pavers lighting, pergola plants, fire pits. You dream it up and they can make It a reality. Turf Monsters will turn your backyard into an amazing outdoor space you can use every day of the year. Check it out right now. Turf Monsters AZ.com It's Brady, and I'm.

[Eric]

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[Eric]

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[John]

We just make Greenland nervous.

[Brady]

Baltimore would be empty.

[John]

There, and that would be the best thing it could have.

[Brady]

Greenland ravens, look.

[John]

That would be the best. Oh, I gotta go get a towel. You just made me one game a year. Yep.

[Eric]

Fun team would have to fly.

[John]

You just made me goop. No. The best thing can happen to residents of Baltimore is that they were moved out of Baltimore and we burned that down. Just show up. What's with all the military talk? They're not fighting back. There's none of them. There's none of them. They're a poor showing for a Cardinal game. That's the whole country. Can't even fill a stadium. We just show up. Maybe 20,000. You don't even need a lot. You need a bad Diamondbacks crowd to just show up. Start revving your engines and playing rap music, and they'll step in it. They'll slip up. They'll say something stupid and be like, oh, man, now we're racist too. You can't. You can't avoid it. 56,000 whites who've never lived with black people see 20,000 hellcats in a line like Field of Dreams coming up there. Oh, they're gonna say something, and then they'll be the bad guys. And you can't defend it if you build. Yeah. If you rev the engine, they will ease his pain. Yeah. And all you got to do is, like, living.

[Eric]

I live in Carnival. Greenland.

[John]

Yeah. Shitty. You get Gunna and Travis Scott to put on a show and say free tickets to that once you get there. Good lord, it's a World Astro World Greenland Utopia. And I'm fine. And finally, you'd go back and it would be hilarious to watch Greenland. Just the one thing I know about that Nordic whites don't say the loud parts. They live together in groups because they're Afraid of colors. I know this from experience. I'm Swedish. My grandparents moved from Sweden to Mount Jewett, Pennsylvania, which might be the only place on the planet colder than Sweden. It was worse. But they found this little place in Pennsylvania that they knew no black people would ever move to. That's the reason they're there. You know where the other ones went? St. Olaf, Minnesota. The other most coldest international falls is wildly Swedish. They know. Well, we had to get that to Sweden. The king was lit bad.

[Lamont]

But we have to go someplace there's no blacks.

[John]

And they found little places that no black people would ever move to.

[Brady]

There's no Somalia's up there.

[John]

No.

[Brady]

Okay.

[John]

No. No. But no. It is weird white there. It like I'm the darkest one if I show up to one of our Swedish festivals in August, so tan it is. Well, I show up like I've been hanging out on the equator and they look at me like all their wallets are unchanged. Just in case they don't trust anyone that looks different than them. That's the Nordic way. Norway had laws up until recently that said you couldn't marry someone who wasn't of Nordic descent. And in their laws of countries, we like it said to keep the race pure. Norway, they like that. Us whites are big on that, deep down. Move some Italians up there, they'll get it done. You want a rigged election where all of a sudden it's a 51st state, 20,000 Italians show up and guess what? Hey, my name's Fen Oak and Oakenokst.

[Brady]

How you doing?

[John]

I don't believe you are native. Sure. I don't know. Look over there. I'm from that snow cap over there. Quiet down. You got any gabagool? That isn't fish. We could take this. I could get this done in an hour. I just have to get Dodge on board. And then you just threaten Dodge.

[Brady]

Trump will do it.

[John]

Trump could threaten Dodge more than Greenland.

[Lamont]

I don't know, Dodge. It looks like your steel is about to cost three times more than everyone else.

[John]

Serifs on Dodge, tariffs on you.

[Lamont]

Dodge.

[John]

What if we don't want to?

[Lamont]

Are you crazy? All I'm asking, I'll give you and.

[John]

Just give them the money. How much is a hundred? 100,000 Hellcats. They're like 50 grand each.

[Brady]

They're more than that.

[John]

Okay, well, we get a deal because we're buying them both. Oh, yeah? Yeah, we're buying in bulk.

[Lamont]

I only need one color, so the paint. Safe. Let's go. I'll give you 55 grand per be.

[John]

Like $80 million, right. And you throw another hundred thousand on whoever wants to go. So you're up. You're going to be. You're going to be pushing 300 million. We go to war with them.

[Brady]

They're 70 to 80.

[John]

A billion dollars I'm saving. I'm Elon Musk. I'm saving 8,900 million dollars with my blacks to Greenland program. And it would be patriotic. And it can't be that bad. It's just cold. I mean, it can't be that bad up there. The food's probably no good. But one thing I know about that is that Swedes and Norwegians and Dane people, they eat garbage. You bring a little spice up change.

[Eric]

Yeah. A couple indoor grow farms, sure.

[John]

Oh, if you get a weed shop, the Hellcats and a spice rack, like they're fine. It would be awesome. And we could finally get Greenland to do it. And they would do it willingly. Just put their heads down. And then you tell all the patriots that once Greenland complies and we got the papers signed, another hundred grand, you can come back. If you want to stay, you stay. But we'll give you another 100,000 for your service. $400 million. This whole thing's over and we have Greenland and it's ours. And then we do whatever we want with it. And those people are good deal. It's a great deal. And they'd have their arms crossed looking at us. You march those black people here and make us do your bathing. No, it would. It's per. It's a perfect plan. But no, we're going to have to attack Greenland and everybody's going to want to fight here. And it'll be political and it's dumb. Cuba's a different story. Cuba's got like stuff. They'll fight back. They have like, you know, Europe won't be mad at us and all that if we just beat up Cuba. They'll be quiet. So save all that for Cuba when you try to take them over next. I don't know what's going on in this world, but my plan is good. And it doesn't even have to be black people. Even though that's the easy move, that's for sure. Start moving some of these illegals that were rounding up like mad. Pop them up there real quick. 100,000 of those new America it could be. Look, it's easy. I know how to. I know how to manipulate racist whites. I know how to do it. I'm just going to need some cooperation from the Urban community, you know, first thing we do is go up there and change a couple of streets to like Jesse Owens Boulevard or Lebron James Avenue. And they'd be like, what the hell? MLK drives that go. That's later when they're actually. But you get like. You do a weird one like Lebron or even just like something like they don't even know. Like I don't know, like Vita Blue. Like you just be fix. I'm like, what is that? Kind of slip a couple in their street names change from Orga Dorgadorsk to Vita Blue Lane. And they're like, what do change the name to Vi de Blue?

[Lamont]

It's happening.

[Eric]

Who's Satchel Page?

[Lamont]

It's happening. Satchel Page was a barely a Jackie Robinson Road.

[John]

And all their stuff gets changed to that. And then sharp don't have. Yeah, they'd lose their minds at first. They'd start screaming like, we got him, Lamar.

[Brady]

Jackson Avenue.

[John]

Oh, that would be a great one. Then you move in phase two, which is the people. First you change the street names, then the people. And then they start talking crazy and make all the racist comments. And it's ours. It's a trick. It's a trap. Am I the only one thinking around here? Why do we always have to swing at someone? I can.

[Eric]

Guys. Booby. It's so easy.

[John]

Guys. We got some people want to move up. They love your beautiful country. You're giving them hellcats and carnival cruise. We know what you're doing. What's the problem there? We don't want them here. Ah, thank you. Could you say that in the mic?

[Eric]

Another attraction. Whale watching.

[John]

Oh, it's huge. My plan is. My plan is right and it saves lives. There's no reason for all this craziness. This is gonna domino down to other things. If we just go attack Greenland, beating up a kid who hasn't. You know. The shy nerd in the corner was suddenly taking swings at him. It's beautiful. Look, Brent just pulled up pictures. Look at that. That's gorgeous.

[Brady]

Carnival cruise goes there.

[John]

Just break the boat.

[Eric]

Tell you what, you send about two or three thousand big haired blonde girls.

[John]

Here's the other. Hey, I don't know what green.

[Eric]

It'll be packed up.

[John]

Greenland's a lot of blonde women.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[John]

I don't know if they've got sick asses because they eat a lot of fish. But if we could manage.

[Eric]

That's why we can enhance it.

[John]

Oh, yeah. Well, you can throw a couple Wisconsin, Northern Wisconsin, Minnesota. For those cold nights.

[Eric]

Yep.

[John]

And get that big blubbery white woman on you.

[Lamont]

I'm so glad you're here, Lamont.

[John]

Hey, I like Greenland. And you park two Carnival Cruise boats. And that's the housing for a while.

[Brady]

Man, you got this all figured out.

[John]

Am I the world's smartest man? I think I might be. Yeah. I didn't know Carnival Cruise went to Greenland in Canada. It looks gorgeous. I mean, this is selling me. Heck, I'd consider it a 14 day.

[Brady]

Greenland in Canada cruise from Baltimore.

[John]

Is that real? Yes, I am on their website.

[Eric]

What a deal.

[Brady]

2500 bucks.

[John]

We don't need Hellcats. 2,500 bucks a person. What? 98. No way. Homeberg's morning sickness. I just cut the. Brett, you just cut the price down by about $200 million.

[Eric]

You're. I mean, how many on that cruise ship? 3,000.

[John]

It's 14 days. I think we could get it done in 14 days.

[Lamont]

Yeah.

[John]

We get 10 cruises one after another and they just stop.

[Brady]

And you can finance it for 119amonth. Look at this.

[John]

We'll cover that bill.

[Brady]

No payments for up to six months.

[John]

Let's attack these racists where it hurts me to.

[Eric]

You know, barges, tankers to carry the supplies over there.

[John]

It's fine.

[Brady]

Yeah, ocean views sold out. And the suites are sold out already.

[John]

Baltimore is buying some trips to Greenland. Well, maybe they just got word of what my plan is and they sold out this morning. And people are saying that's racist. No, it's not. It's racist towards whites. Because I know how they'll react. They're the racists.

[Eric]

You just got to pick a different date. Brett, that's the 16th of August through the 30th. Sold out.

[Brady]

Well, you know, I mean. Oh, qualifies for special rates.

[Eric]

Man, this is.

[John]

Yeah, it's brilliant. I've got a couple of suggestions I'm not a big fan of, but we could do it. Anyone who moves to Greenland no longer has to pay child support. I think they're getting a huge like you get your choice. Hellcat, Carnival Cruise. Yeah. Or no. My God, you'd have. That wouldn't even be race based. That's every dude who's got to pay for one of those kids. They love their kids a lot, but if you could skip that bill. I've never once heard a guy say I got child support. And I love it. So happy my kid gets covered. Never once. What I do here is three more years and I don't have to pay that anymore. I always hear that. You Cut that off. You'd have a line of everybody, and then you'd see your dad in line.

[Brady]

Dad.

[John]

What? Oh, hey, Billy.

[Eric]

I'm.

[John]

You're in line for the no child support, aren't you? No. Daddy's got an important mission in Greenland. You don't want to pay for me? No, kid. It's the world of reality. Of course I don't want to pay for you. I don't want to pay for anybody going to Greenland. So I don't have to pay for. Your mom will figure it out. And she's in line behind him. Neither of you. You've both gone. Your father and I are getting back together. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's a plan. There's options. But we're too stupid. And we're basically Vikings all of a sudden, moving around, trying to ice other countries out of the way. Anybody has any questions, you can call me. I could solve all these problems. Nobody would like it. Every. Like, this is crazy because you know why I pick at the scab? That is humanity. And instead of doing dumb like more people would be for a war, which is ironic. More people. No, no. Just go in and attack them than they would my plan. I don't want to do anything like that. That's racist. You think on Greenland, more people if I. If you presented one next to the other and they're the only options and mine was moved, screw it.

[Eric]

Let's just take it over.

[John]

Mine was moved. Blacks in. And the other option is let's military force people. Like, we can't do that black thing. That's wrong. Will you go kill him? Yeah, we'll probably just point bayonets at him. We won't actually have to shoot. That black thing makes me uncomfortable. But the murders don't. Yeah, military. That's why we've got it my way. Should be the one. Everybody's like, you know what? That's smart. They're probably pretty racist up there. This is a good move if we're going to do anything. But now 80% of people, if they had the choice, would say, yeah, military intervention before that whole hellcats and black people thing. Lose their minds. But I'm right because no one can hear it and feel okay about themselves because their scab gets picked, too. If they do it to Greenland, they can do it to my neighborhood. That's what they'd be thinking, by the way. They think that, oh, Timothy Busfield did it. Period. End of story. He's. He's a rapist of kids. So yesterday, he. They finally Came out of hiding. Three days. Nobody knew where he was. The marshals were asking people.

[Eric]

He was on the road, John.

[John]

Okay.

[Eric]

Drove 2,000 miles.

[John]

Brady, in this day and age, no one doesn't know anything.

[Eric]

Like, he's old school.

[John]

No, he's not. He's real old school. He's like. He's before statutory rape laws. So he. He disappeared for three days. The US Marshals are like. And. And they weren't just going to question him. He was. He had a warrant for his arrest. That means they've got evidence. That means they've got something to. They wouldn't arrest you if they just were like, these are kind of.

[Eric]

We need to talk to you.

[John]

They got something because they put an arrest warrant out for him. So they got a little something. He disappears for three days and then comes back with a statement that says, I'm going to fight this. No man who is being accused of kid diddling who didn't do it. Doesn't. The second that thing is, the accusation is on him. Doesn't say, bring those little motherfuckers on. I didn't do anything to those little pricks. Like, you hate the kids immediately. Like, are you kidding me? Those little. I hate those two little. You would hate them out loud. If any kid accused me and I didn't do it, I'd be badmouthing his little ass and I'd be like, bring it on. What do you got? Because I didn't do anything. I wouldn't disappear for three days and come back with a legal statement saying, I, of course I. I will fight this. And I am innocent of all these troubles. Okay. Your lawyer told you what to say. That means you didn't know what to say. You did it. Timothy Busfield did it. I just got emails from people who are white. No child support in Greenland. Where do I sign up? That is the one that. That is going to be the big unifier. You'd have a million people in Greenland in like a day.

[Brady]

Toledo's dad would be greeting everybody as they came into the port.

[John]

Oh, I. Welcome to Toledo land. I never paid any. Not one. It's the most freeing thing you've ever felt. I threw one of my kids under a school bus. I got rid of all the payments. Yeah. Timothy Busfield statements are just. I don't believe a thing. Like, this one's more obvious than Jussie Smollett. Like, anybody, when I told him, said Brett walked in the room like, watch this, Brady. Hey, Brett, Some kids say you tried to have sex with him. Brett goes, what the? Like, immediately angry and like, that didn't happen, like, but he set up a little place to do his video.

[Eric]

Melissa shut off her social media. You know, wants a privacy right now. I get that, but I don't, I don't know about the, the reaction of shutting off your Instagram and stuff like that. That I don't think that looks real good.

[John]

Look, he's sitting in a scenic picture. Like he framed his shot to say, I didn't do this. I would be wherever I am. Hey, a lot of rumors going around about me, but trust me, these little pricks and their parents are going to jail because I didn't do anything. That's what an innocent man does. And I know people are like, you don't know. I would know that one. There's a lot of things to be like, hey, this lady's accusing you of something. Like, oh geez, what do I get? I would have to think about it. I know for a fact kid diddling did not happen. And you accused me of it. I'm coming out swinging.

[Eric]

Immediately he turned himself in and it drove New Mexico. So that scenic background's there. And he said, you know, I don't have cell service there too.

[John]

That's all lies. Everything he's doing is covering. He's, he's protecting his everything. So yeah, there is a background.

[Eric]

They've put the statement out that a 28 year old woman accused him of groping her, but they settled that one. Yeah, and then there's a 17 year old in 1994. That one ended with settlement. The 28 year old later accused him of groping, but there was never prosecuted due to insufficient evidence.

[John]

It's all allegedly and it's all. But it's my opinion that I feel like this reaction screams guilt. He better have something strong. But if he had something strong, he did not at day one. You just don't have to. So all that news coming out about him is gonna, it's going away and those kids are, this will, there'll be a settlement. I remember when Brian Callan had that happen to him. And it wasn't a kid, it was a lady. And he immediately said this all lies. I had sex with her. Like he said I had sex with her. And it was consensual, but all lies. Everything else she's saying is wrong. And when I called him and said that, I'm like, hey man, if any of this turns out to be bad, I'm not going to support it. But until it does, I'm I'm in your corner and we talk for, like an hour because I don't know why it's happening, but it's happening. And you know, I have the truth on my side, and I know that. I'm like, all right, if you're lying to me, that'll come out in the wash, but I believe you, so we're going to move on. But that was. His initial reaction, was not disappear for a couple days and have a lawyer say, hey, say this. That's bad.

[Eric]

And then, you know, the timing of it.

[John]

Everything, too, because screw those kids.

[Eric]

Dalia are friends.

[John]

Yeah, well, he was. He got away with it, too. He had a bunch of bad stuff happening. But the way he's acting, just. If you're ever accused of it, fight immediately. And again, like we said yesterday, don't tickle someone else's kids. Don't touch anyone else's kids.

[Brady]

Run from them.

[John]

Especially if you've got something to lose. Yeah, just don't let them in your house. Run from them. Yeah. Greenland. It's the safest place. It's too cold. You always have mittens on. What? 98. No way. Homeberg's mortal morning sickness. And then for all you people driving to work this morning, recent study basically said that 93% of you pick your nose. And I've seen it in your cars. Nobody ever answers that question honestly. But everybody picks their nose. And it now is being linked directly to Alzheimer's. They're saying if you pick your nose a lot, if you're a frequent nose picker, your dirty fingers and the bacteria to the nose will lead to infections that lead to crusting. I have that. I have crusting in my right nostril from having busted my nose a couple times. I have a little bit of a deviated thing. And my. When you're in there a lot, well, I go in with a napkin every morning and twist and pull the inner lining of this inside out because it's always crusty, and then it bleeds. And. And they're saying that. That, you know, your immediate connection, nose to brain connection, is the most crucial for, you know, keeping bacteria out of there. We all stick our fingers in our noses, whether you want to admit it or not. But they're saying that that's the hallmark of Alzheimer's. So it could lead to Alzheimer's. So if you're picking your nose right now, think about it. It's probably going to lead to your brain shutting off. However, if it were true, then, like, 90% of us would end up With Alzheimer's, doctors are saying it's not too late. If you've been a picker for years and years, your fingers are kind of now like a penis in the 80s. Wrap it up. We need little finger rubbers for pickers. And that way you can get in there and dig around without your dirty ass fingers going in your nose. It's a fact. You're a picker, I'm a picker. We're all pickers. You can't help it. Sometimes you're sitting in the car and like, Jesus, something in there, you don't realize it. You pull one out and you're like. And everybody's like, yeah, that's great. You're doing it. I. You stop lights. People think they're invisible in their cars. We've all looked over and got, oh, digging for gold over there. I try to keep it casual, but in the morning, I go in with. I wrap toilet paper around my finger and I go in there deep. And lately it's been great. This morning was horrible. I had a big nosebleed this morning when I got out of the car. I wasn't from picking, which was. I even said, did I hit something? Nope. But if you've got that crusty nose like I've got, we're all gonna be brain dumb when we're old, and that's fine by me.

[Brady]

A lot of them already are.

[John]

Yeah. Yeah. Most of them are probably that. But scientists are quick to say that they're linking nose picking to Alzheimer's, but they're also not sure what causes it. Could be anything.

[Eric]

I'm pretty sure there's some more studies.

[John]

They say if you start losing smell early, that's one of the first signs. Alzheimer's first takes your smell a little bit, and. And a lot of the times, that's the. You've been picking and ripping it, you know, the nerve endings, you just numbed them down and they don't smell anymore. So the smell tests are a quick way to go. Oh, we got a test for Alzheimer's. Because your smell starts to go. And if your parents did it, you know, they're pickers. Everybody's a picker. So in your car right now, if you could just kind of pull back a little bit, get your finger out of there.

[Eric]

The people that have wrap it up, blown their nasal passages, you know, like too much cocaine and stuff, do they lose their smell?

[John]

Oh, yeah. Coke people will lose their smells. Yeah. Yeah. If you put your finger in my right nostril and you could fit your fingers in my right nostril. It's massive. You could fit a Hyundai in my right nostril. And you felt that you'd be like, wow. It's like one of those topographical maps. It is not smooth the left one. Smooth the right one. It's like Mars. It's awful in there. That's because I busted my nose three times. So when you break your nose, evidently, there's, like, all sorts of problems with one of your breathing passages. Dries it out. It's like I've got a fan on my nostril the whole time. But don't pick your nose this morning. It's all a little public service announcement to everybody. Did you pick this morning on the way in?

[Brady]

I don't think so. Probably, though, but I blew it in the shower, so.

[John]

Oh, you're one of those. I find that to be disgusting. My dad used to do that. You'd hear it.

[Brady]

Sometimes when I wake up, the allergies are so bad.

[John]

It's. You know, I got to get the.

[Brady]

Steam and everything going, throw it out.

[John]

In the shower, and then you just kind of kick it around.

[Brady]

I just let the water take it down the drain.

[John]

I'm not better because I usually do it on the walk up to the door here at work.

[Brady]

Do the farmer blow.

[John]

A farmer's blow on the sidewalk. Sometimes I look down and it's like a period.

[Eric]

Oh.

[John]

So if you're. That's great stuff now. I hope somebody listening walks up there and goes, that's. That's John's thing. In fact, my nose was bleeding so bad this morning, I went into the ladies room to get the towels in there, and then I just can't be up there. Yeah. And then I just placed them in the trash like a pig would, so there's just blood and it's gross. But I did it because it's like, now you know how we feel when we see it. But. Yeah, don't pick your nose anymore.

[Eric]

Blow my nose before I go to bed. And then when I. After the shower, when I wake up in the morning.

[John]

You don't do it in the shower.

[Eric]

No.

[John]

Yeah. You're a picker. And I know it, because whenever we say, hey, Brady, you got something in there, you just reach for it. Everybody, we got to get over this.

[Eric]

There's something in there. I'm getting it.

[John]

I don't understand why people are so like. It's.

[Eric]

Especially if you can't. If it. You can't blow it out.

[John]

Right. You got to get it, and it's like, and people can see it. Like when the other day I was at the Sun's game and my friend Anthony turns to me and he goes, john, I'm your only friend. I'm like what? And he goes, you got something on your nostril. I'm like, oh. Which is a horrible fear of mine. Like, really? How long's it been there? I'm like, like I don't know, I just noticed it and I said, I'm the only person who would tell you. And I'm like, all right. And I, I didn't like go, I've got to go to the bathroom and get a tissue. I went right to it, pulled it off, probably wiped it on my pants. I don't know where it went. But everybody acts all like, oh, it's disgusting because other people's boogers are gross. If Brett's boogers got on me, it would be horrible. Mine, my own. Eh. Until every bodily fluid that comes off of you and gets on me is disgusting. My own doesn't bother me at all.

[Eric]

I saw a girl the other day in the car picking away the pinky swirl.

[John]

Oh, she got.

[Eric]

And then into the mouth.

[John]

Oh, that's one.

[Eric]

Really?

[John]

That's where the percentage has to drop heavily. Although there are times where you're sometimes just go. And you feel it fall down your throat. And I'm like, well, it's going there. Enjoy your breakfast everyone. But yeah, picking, Alzheimer's and picking are now related. So for those of you who are picking right now, just know that's one IQ point coming off every time you do it. And then I want to get to this. I, you know, this has become a thing. Noel and Dylan have emailed me and says, John, I don't know if you're going to get this, but I want to reach out. We had to call your friends at Happy Endings Pet euthanasia. Today, our 19 year old Chihuahua, Vader. Wow, 19. Let's just hear it for Vader, shall we? Thanks to them, our old fellow was able to go to sleep at home feeling our love before he passed on. And it blows. And I know what you say, this is when we can share that love with the less fortunate dogs. And do that. I was hoping that maybe the ghouls would pour one out for Vader this morning and give their pups a little love and treats in honor of 19 year old Vader. And all of them deserve to be spoiled. Much respect, Dylan. Dylan, you got it. Nice job, Dylan. Getting Vader all the way to 19. That is running the whole race and then a little extra. And you sound like great dog people. So I, I just had this talk with Eric Brian from Precision Air and we were chatting. He had to put his dog down a couple weeks ago. And we were talking about. He goes it just devastated. He's like three days. I've never felt this bad. He said I had an easier time dealing with his dad dying. And that was crushing to him because he got to say things to him. He got him to understand because this dog just. And he wasn't home. It was rough. And we had this long talk and I'm like, Eric, I'm going to tell you this. Even though you're not ready, there's a dog in a shelter that needs that same treatment. There's a dog in a cage right now that needs the life you gave that last dog. They don't last long. And I know it hurts. But that's my advice to everybody. If you can do for another dog what you did for the last one, you keep the cycle of dogs being in good homes alive. Good people need to be pet owners. Good. The 19 year old dog, you guys cared for that thing for two days. That's as long as Mike Tom was a coach of Steelers. You got it done. And they call him a legend. So that's what Vader is, a legend. Take a breath. There's a billion Chihuahuas in the Humane Society and all the pounds and go grab another one and give it the same life you gave Vader. Because another one sitting in a. In a cage shaking right now, thinking, how come no one wants me? How come Vader got lucky? Do it. Nice job. We will definitely be getting extra cookies in for my five. Plus the cat. Why not throw that in there too? Brett, what do you got on the big board of Musical Treats this morning? All right.

[Brady]

Tons of wake up songs coming and they're kind of all over the board here.

[John]

Okay.

[Brady]

So Godsmack, I hate you coughing cats. Way of the road for Tomlin. Static X Love Dump for Julio Iglesias. Skid Row, I'll remember you for Tomlin Rockwell. Somebody's watching me. For John's TV meshuggah. Metallica, Foo Fighters. White limo for Dave Grohl's 57.

[John]

It's his birthday today. I might have to go with Dave.

[Brady]

Iron Maiden, Run to the Hills for Tomlin if the Cardinals go calling.

[John]

That's true if Mike, Mike Tomlin, if you are listening, please, for God's sakes, don't take this job. I can't see you in a cardinal's helmet or hat.

[Eric]

Happy birthday to a Zach Wild, too.

[John]

Oh, it's that clowns as well. All right, body count.

[Brady]

There goes the neighborhood for Greenland. And in flames deliver us first. Greenland's Hellcats.

[John]

There Goes the Neighborhood is pretty solid. If we could just put that up in Greenland and watch that. I just love to see that. Just driving right off the carnival cruise out the back. Just one hellcat after another. All right, let's do them both. Screw it. White limo. And there goes the neighborhood. How about that for Dave Grohl? Who deserves it? That's the best. That's such a great song. Such a great rock song. We'll do a little white limo from the Foo. And then there goes the neighborhood for my Greenland plan. I bet you if I got in a room with, they'd be like, I like it.

[Lamont]

That's not bad.

[John]

Saving your money, sir? Wasting fraud. Let's do it. It's Foo Fighters. I absolutely love this one. It's white limo. Happy birthday, Dave. It's out of control now.