Podcast Summary

Podcast: Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona

Episode: Large Group Of Velvet Monkeys On The Loose In St Louis And They're Not From Any Zoo
Air Date: January 14, 2026
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo

Main Theme

The episode humorously unpacks the bizarre news of a "large group of velvet monkeys" (a.k.a. green monkeys), native to sub-Saharan Africa, running loose in St. Louis—with none missing from local zoos or official facilities. The crew uses this as a springboard for a comedic and lightly satirical commentary on exotic pets, human folly, and modern attitudes toward wildlife.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Velvet Monkeys of St. Louis (01:15–05:13)

• News Story:
  John reveals the main headline: a swarm of velvet (green) monkeys is "running amok" in St. Louis, baffling officials as no zoo or facility is missing any.
• General Confusion:
  John mocks the “of course they’re not native” statements in news articles, highlighting American obliviousness about animal habitats.

  “Those southern Missouri velvet green monkeys, yeah. So they’ve got those running around, and that's just proof that we've lost”
  (John, 02:39)

• Satirical Scenarios:
  Holmberg launches into a mocking riff: what if the monkeys become a new invasive species? He fantasizes about them disrupting Cardinals games.
• Wildlife Stranger Danger:
  The hosts joke about the absurdity of people tolerating such wild animals as “pets,” blaming both increased accommodation of nonsense and a lack of accountability.

2. Exotic Animals as Pets: Why This Keeps Happening (05:13–10:15)

• Personal Anecdotes:
  Brady admits local zoos might have velvet monkeys, but John pushes back—it’s fine in a zoo, but “nuts” for private ownership.
• Cycle of Irresponsibility:
  They lampoon the typical “neighbor with an illegal animal” who denies everything when animals escape.

  “...there's some dude out there who just like, went out in his backyard one day and he's like, where's the monkeys? I ain't saying...”
  (John, 02:57)

• Florida Boas Parallels:
  The team draws a parallel to Florida’s infamous boa constrictor and python infestations, pointing to a recurring pattern.

3. Satirical Hope for Monkey Mayhem (05:45–07:20)

• Mock Prayer:
  John jokingly prays for a massive, violent monkey population boom that makes Missouri “uninhabitable for humanity.”

  “Please let there be a massive population boom of velvet green monkeys in Missouri that makes it uninhabitable for humanity. Please make them violent and hilarious, because that would be amazing.”
  (John, 05:13)

• Media Spectacle:
  Predictions of viral videos and odd police encounters trying to wrangle wild monkeys in a major city.

4. Nature Fights Back: Urban Wildlife Woes (07:20–09:48)

• Love Birds Anecdote:
  Brady brings up local love birds, which John wryly recollects being decapitated by neighborhood hawks—a metaphor for nature’s unexpected consequences when humans introduce exotic pets.
• Monkey Owners’ Silence:
  Jokes about how the owner isn't putting up "missing" posters like you would for a cat, further reinforcing irresponsibility.

  “He didn't even put out...posters up in the neighborhood like, a cat was missing. It's like, anybody see, like, 35 of these? Call this number. He's just like, nope, I don't.”
  (John, 07:46 and 08:36)

5. Critique of Exotic Pet Ownership (10:15–14:44)

• Zoo Advocacy:
  The cast reinforces that wild animals, especially dangerous or non-native ones, belong in zoos, not private homes.

  “It can't be celebrated anymore that the animals that don't belong are in somebody's backyard...this is how it always ends. It's crazy.”
  (John, 10:15)

• Temptation and Restraint:
  Brady admits he’s been tempted to own exotic animals, but is stopped by practical or family concerns (Ronnie).

  “Let me tell you this. Maybe if Ronnie wasn't there, Kirby wouldn't be there.”
  (John & Brady, 14:53)

6. Absurdities of Animal-Human Bonding (13:38–17:16)

• Bonding with Badgers?
  John ridicules the idea of “bonding with wild animals,” quipping:

  “There's nothing worse than trying to bond with a wild animal. That's the dumbest thing in the world. I'll just put it this way. Some people survived the Holocaust bonding with badgers. Probably 100% failure rate.”
  (John, 13:40)

• Zoo Role and Crowd Dynamics:
  Ongoing banter about zoos as the appropriate place to see wild animals, and the crowding and rituals—like throwing pumpkins at hippos (which John finds ridiculous).
• Hippo POV Satire:
  John imagines confused hippos coping with bizarre human behavior:

  “You can imagine if hippos could, like, talk to each other. Like, what the happened? Why? What is going on with the big gourds they chuck at us? We don't eat these. Just eat them. It seems to keep them from losing their minds.”
  (John, 16:19)

7. The Cautionary Takeaway: Humans Need Limits (17:16–End)

• Final Jabs at Exotic Pet Owners:
  John takes a last swipe at “weirdos” parading with snakes, parrots, tigers in public spaces.
  • Zoos “exist for a reason. So you weirdos can go watch caged animals. Stand. Keep it that way.”
• Wrap-up:
  The segment concludes with playful joking about Brady’s “temptations,” reinforcement of why animals don’t belong in homes, and transition to the next show segment (Rock Wars).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On American confusion:
  "[In the article], it says, this is how dumb America is. The species is native to the sub-Saharan Africa, not Missouri. Like, some people are like, what? That's one of those."
  — John Holmberg (01:57)

• Exotic pets gone wrong:
  "If your neighbor had four velvet monkeys in the backyard, you just... you'd put a stop to it. Like, we're way too accommodating for nonsense now."
  — John Holmberg (02:58)

• Media honesty:
  "But it was important to include in the article that they're not native to Missouri. For those of you walking around going, look, the elusive sub-Saharan Missouri monkey."
  — John Holmberg (03:37)

• Wildlife disaster wish:
  "Please let there be a massive population boom of velvet green monkeys in Missouri that makes it uninhabitable for humanity."
  — John Holmberg (05:13)

• On owners' irresponsibility:
  "He didn't even put out a...like a...he didn't put posters up in the neighborhood like, a cat was missing. It's like, anybody see, like, 35 of these? Call this number. He's just like, nope, I don't."
  — John Holmberg (08:33)

• On animal bonding:
  "There's nothing worse than trying to bond with a wild animal. That's the dumbest thing in the world. I'll just put it this way. Some people survived the Holocaust bonding with badgers. Probably 100% failure rate."
  — John Holmberg (13:40)

• On hippo confusion:
  "You can imagine if hippos could, like, talk to each other. Like, what happened? Why? What is going on with the big gourds they chuck at us? We don’t eat these. Just eat them. It seems to keep them from losing their minds."
  — John Holmberg (16:19)

Timestamps to Key Segments

• 01:15 — Intro to the "velvet monkey crisis" in St. Louis.
• 02:39 — Satirical riff on “Missouri velvet monkeys” and lack of common sense.
• 05:10 — John’s mock prayers for monkey chaos.
• 07:23 — Parallels to invasive bird species.
• 10:15 — John’s insistence on zoos as the only proper site for exotic animals.
• 13:40 — Satire on “bonding with wild animals” and the futility/danger therein.
• 16:19 — Imagination of the hippo perspective on human zoo behaviors.

Overall Tone

Irreverent, fast-paced, and satirical—Holmberg and crew blend genuine concern about exotic animal mishaps with outlandish hypotheticals, snappy one-liners, and gleeful lampooning of human foibles. Despite the silliness, the segment lands a pointed message: Exotic wild animals are not pets, humans tend to screw this up spectacularly, and public attitudes need a rethink.