01-14-26 - Large Group Of Velvet Monkeys On The Loose In St Louis And They're Not From Any Zoo

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Podcast: Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona

Episode: Large Group Of Velvet Monkeys On The Loose In St Louis And They're Not From Any Zoo
Air Date: January 14, 2026
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo

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Main Theme

The episode humorously unpacks the bizarre news of a "large group of velvet monkeys" (a.k.a. green monkeys), native to sub-Saharan Africa, running loose in St. Louis—with none missing from local zoos or official facilities. The crew uses this as a springboard for a comedic and lightly satirical commentary on exotic pets, human folly, and modern attitudes toward wildlife.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Velvet Monkeys of St. Louis (01:15–05:13)

• News Story:
  John reveals the main headline: a swarm of velvet (green) monkeys is "running amok" in St. Louis, baffling officials as no zoo or facility is missing any.
• General Confusion:
  John mocks the “of course they’re not native” statements in news articles, highlighting American obliviousness about animal habitats.

  “Those southern Missouri velvet green monkeys, yeah. So they’ve got those running around, and that's just proof that we've lost”
  (John, 02:39)

• Satirical Scenarios:
  Holmberg launches into a mocking riff: what if the monkeys become a new invasive species? He fantasizes about them disrupting Cardinals games.
• Wildlife Stranger Danger:
  The hosts joke about the absurdity of people tolerating such wild animals as “pets,” blaming both increased accommodation of nonsense and a lack of accountability.

2. Exotic Animals as Pets: Why This Keeps Happening (05:13–10:15)

• Personal Anecdotes:
  Brady admits local zoos might have velvet monkeys, but John pushes back—it’s fine in a zoo, but “nuts” for private ownership.
• Cycle of Irresponsibility:
  They lampoon the typical “neighbor with an illegal animal” who denies everything when animals escape.

  “...there's some dude out there who just like, went out in his backyard one day and he's like, where's the monkeys? I ain't saying...”
  (John, 02:57)

• Florida Boas Parallels:
  The team draws a parallel to Florida’s infamous boa constrictor and python infestations, pointing to a recurring pattern.

3. Satirical Hope for Monkey Mayhem (05:45–07:20)

• Mock Prayer:
  John jokingly prays for a massive, violent monkey population boom that makes Missouri “uninhabitable for humanity.”

  “Please let there be a massive population boom of velvet green monkeys in Missouri that makes it uninhabitable for humanity. Please make them violent and hilarious, because that would be amazing.”
  (John, 05:13)

• Media Spectacle:
  Predictions of viral videos and odd police encounters trying to wrangle wild monkeys in a major city.

4. Nature Fights Back: Urban Wildlife Woes (07:20–09:48)

• Love Birds Anecdote:
  Brady brings up local love birds, which John wryly recollects being decapitated by neighborhood hawks—a metaphor for nature’s unexpected consequences when humans introduce exotic pets.
• Monkey Owners’ Silence:
  Jokes about how the owner isn't putting up "missing" posters like you would for a cat, further reinforcing irresponsibility.

  “He didn't even put out...posters up in the neighborhood like, a cat was missing. It's like, anybody see, like, 35 of these? Call this number. He's just like, nope, I don't.”
  (John, 07:46 and 08:36)

5. Critique of Exotic Pet Ownership (10:15–14:44)

• Zoo Advocacy:
  The cast reinforces that wild animals, especially dangerous or non-native ones, belong in zoos, not private homes.

  “It can't be celebrated anymore that the animals that don't belong are in somebody's backyard...this is how it always ends. It's crazy.”
  (John, 10:15)

• Temptation and Restraint:
  Brady admits he’s been tempted to own exotic animals, but is stopped by practical or family concerns (Ronnie).

  “Let me tell you this. Maybe if Ronnie wasn't there, Kirby wouldn't be there.”
  (John & Brady, 14:53)

6. Absurdities of Animal-Human Bonding (13:38–17:16)

• Bonding with Badgers?
  John ridicules the idea of “bonding with wild animals,” quipping:

  “There's nothing worse than trying to bond with a wild animal. That's the dumbest thing in the world. I'll just put it this way. Some people survived the Holocaust bonding with badgers. Probably 100% failure rate.”
  (John, 13:40)

• Zoo Role and Crowd Dynamics:
  Ongoing banter about zoos as the appropriate place to see wild animals, and the crowding and rituals—like throwing pumpkins at hippos (which John finds ridiculous).
• Hippo POV Satire:
  John imagines confused hippos coping with bizarre human behavior:

  “You can imagine if hippos could, like, talk to each other. Like, what the happened? Why? What is going on with the big gourds they chuck at us? We don't eat these. Just eat them. It seems to keep them from losing their minds.”
  (John, 16:19)

7. The Cautionary Takeaway: Humans Need Limits (17:16–End)

• Final Jabs at Exotic Pet Owners:
  John takes a last swipe at “weirdos” parading with snakes, parrots, tigers in public spaces.
  • Zoos “exist for a reason. So you weirdos can go watch caged animals. Stand. Keep it that way.”
• Wrap-up:
  The segment concludes with playful joking about Brady’s “temptations,” reinforcement of why animals don’t belong in homes, and transition to the next show segment (Rock Wars).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On American confusion:
  "[In the article], it says, this is how dumb America is. The species is native to the sub-Saharan Africa, not Missouri. Like, some people are like, what? That's one of those."
  — John Holmberg (01:57)

• Exotic pets gone wrong:
  "If your neighbor had four velvet monkeys in the backyard, you just... you'd put a stop to it. Like, we're way too accommodating for nonsense now."
  — John Holmberg (02:58)

• Media honesty:
  "But it was important to include in the article that they're not native to Missouri. For those of you walking around going, look, the elusive sub-Saharan Missouri monkey."
  — John Holmberg (03:37)

• Wildlife disaster wish:
  "Please let there be a massive population boom of velvet green monkeys in Missouri that makes it uninhabitable for humanity."
  — John Holmberg (05:13)

• On owners' irresponsibility:
  "He didn't even put out a...like a...he didn't put posters up in the neighborhood like, a cat was missing. It's like, anybody see, like, 35 of these? Call this number. He's just like, nope, I don't."
  — John Holmberg (08:33)

• On animal bonding:
  "There's nothing worse than trying to bond with a wild animal. That's the dumbest thing in the world. I'll just put it this way. Some people survived the Holocaust bonding with badgers. Probably 100% failure rate."
  — John Holmberg (13:40)

• On hippo confusion:
  "You can imagine if hippos could, like, talk to each other. Like, what happened? Why? What is going on with the big gourds they chuck at us? We don’t eat these. Just eat them. It seems to keep them from losing their minds."
  — John Holmberg (16:19)

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Timestamps to Key Segments

• 01:15 — Intro to the "velvet monkey crisis" in St. Louis.
• 02:39 — Satirical riff on “Missouri velvet monkeys” and lack of common sense.
• 05:10 — John’s mock prayers for monkey chaos.
• 07:23 — Parallels to invasive bird species.
• 10:15 — John’s insistence on zoos as the only proper site for exotic animals.
• 13:40 — Satire on “bonding with wild animals” and the futility/danger therein.
• 16:19 — Imagination of the hippo perspective on human zoo behaviors.

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Overall Tone

Irreverent, fast-paced, and satirical—Holmberg and crew blend genuine concern about exotic animal mishaps with outlandish hypotheticals, snappy one-liners, and gleeful lampooning of human foibles. Despite the silliness, the segment lands a pointed message: Exotic wild animals are not pets, humans tend to screw this up spectacularly, and public attitudes need a rethink.

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Transcript

[John Holmberg]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by mmpguns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[Brett]

The playoffs are here, and Hooters just upgraded your game plan. Our beer of the month went from 14 ounces to a massive 25 ounces. Starting at just $4. That's a bigger beer for every kickoff drive and touchdown. And while you're here, load up on wings, burgers and all your favorites. Come in for the playoffs. Stay for the food, the cold beer and non stop football. Plus, every Hooters is giving away an 85 inch Smart T for the big game. Must be present to win. Hooters come for the football. Stay for everything else.

[Michael]

This is Michael with Restore My Civil Rights. It's still over 110 degrees outside, and the political climate is just as hot. If you've lost your right to possess a firearm due to a criminal conviction, we can help at Restore My Civil Rights. We help Arizonans restore all of their rights because constitutional rights shouldn't depend on the next election results. To book a free consultation, call 855-gun- rights or visit restoremycivil rights.com today. That's restore my civil rights.com.

[John Holmberg]

And cruising through Wednesday morning. It's a Good one, man. Fast. 78 degrees and records falling and who cares? Beautiful, glorious. It's perfect outside, especially in the morning. It's really nice watching people walk around. Everybody said, we're still doing it, complaining about everything, and still we managed to live in paradise. It's just getting better and better every day. And we're not in St. Louis. And that's the thing. All right, everybody calm down. The simulation is broken. And I realized it a long time ago, but this is proof of it. There are a bunch of. What are they called? Oh, what's the name of these things? Velvet monkeys. They call them or green monkeys. And they're loose in St. Louis. Tons of them, right? So they go to the zoo and they're like, hey, your velvet monkeys, your green monkeys are loose. And the zoo's like, nuh. And they're like, what? And so they went to some other place and they said, oh, you lost your velvet monkeys. We've got them. They're running all over St. Louis. And they're like, all of ours are accounted for. So now St. Louis has a problem, and they don't know where it came from or why it's happening that they're running amok in St. Louis. In the article, it says, this is how dumb America is. The Species is native to the sub Saharan Africa, not Missouri. Like, some people are like, what? That's one of those.

[Brady]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Those southern Missouri velvet green monkeys. Yeah. So they've got those running around, and that's just proof that we've lost. I started thinking about this in, like, 1930. If your neighbor had four velvet monkeys in the backyard, you just. You'd put a stop to it. Like, we're way too accommodating for nonsense now. People shouldn't be allowed to have sub Saharan pets that don't belong here. That, by the way, murder people if they're loose. They're like, please don't approach them. They don't know how many there are either. And they don't know where they came from. So there's some dude out there who just like, went out in his backyard one day and he's like, where's the monkeys? I ain't saying. And he just cleaned up the cages and like, I won my house.

[Brett]

He got rid of the evidence.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. Like, your neighbor said you used to have a bunch of them. Oh, he's crazy. My neighbor's insane.

[Brett]

They were like that guy.

[John Holmberg]

But it was important to include in the article that they're not native to Missouri. For those of you walking around going, look, the elusive sub Saharan Missouri monkey.

[Brett]

Come on, John. What? 150, 200 years of schooling.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no. Yeah.

[Brett]

Hasn't taught him that monkeys aren't native to America.

[John Holmberg]

It's proof that we have no clue what's going on. And the whole thing's destroyed. This, it's broken. So here's my hope. Fingers crossed. The monkeys become native to Missouri and we have a massive problem with it. Like, they're everywhere. St. Louis especially. Cause the Cardinals are there and I hate them. And if we could have maybe, I don't know, one of the. Like, during a St. Louis Cardinals game, one just rogue flies out of the crowd and attacks the first baseman and just eats them right there on tv. And like, well, that's one of those Missouri ones. Nothing we can do about them. We lost control of that years ago. You gotta remember, this has happened with the boa constrictors in Florida. And we kind of are like, yeah, that'll happen. Couple other things. We've loaded up in states and they don't belong there. I want to read for the rest of my life about the scourge of the Velvet Monkeys of St. Louis. I know.

[Brett]

What are you doing?

[John Holmberg]

Look, I'm not talking to him right now. I'm just saying it's a hilarious title for a thousand different reasons. And I want it to be part of humanity. Now St. Louis is closed. And by the way, this is exactly how outbreak began.

[Brady]

We might have some here at the Wildlife World Zoo.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's a zoo, Brady. That's okay. If all of a sudden there's one on 50. What are you not following on 50 seconds. And we go to the zoo and they're like, nope, we've got all ours. Where did this come from? No one has an answer. There's no permits. There's nothing. So they're running all over. And I pray to Brady's God, top to bottom, please let there be a massive population boom of velvet green monkeys in Missouri. That makes it uninhabitable for humanity. Please make them violent and hilarious, because that would be amazing. And then you could get to hear some dumb people every once in a while going, you know, they're not supposed to be here. Like, yeah, of course. Anyway, they give you a number. So if you see one, just call this number. And there's the other thing that we're going to see because everything's on video. You're going to see some poor. Like, I don't know what office he'd. But it wouldn't be the cops, but maybe a cop just like, hey, there's one in my front yard. And he's got to stand there and like, I gotta. I gotta shoot that thing. And I don't know, what if I miss? It's going to crush me. And that'll be on the news. Got one.

[Brady]

Yeah, that would be tough. You're shot. If you're off having the.

[John Holmberg]

They don't train for that.

[Brady]

Tranquilizers. Call them the wildlife.

[John Holmberg]

You got to get some specialist. That's why I hope it goes insane. Please let this go nuts. The fact that we allowed it. We deserve it. Humans have to take our punches sometimes. When we get cute and go, it's all right. You can have a wild animal in your house. When it gets loose, don't get mad at the animal. Let it go. We can't. What about us? You weren't thinking when you were being all free and easy with, like, people should be allowed to have wild. No, no. Exotic. Don't belong here. Animals, tigers, koala, all that. No, it stays where it goes.

[Brady]

Brady, our lovebirds are beautiful.

[John Holmberg]

You saw what happened there.

[Brett]

Good point.

[John Holmberg]

They're everywhere.

[Brett]

They're all in your neighborhood.

[John Holmberg]

No, we chased them off.

[Brett]

Oh, you did?

[John Holmberg]

Well, those big Hawks showed up, too. All of a sudden, we had those kestrels that were screaming in the backyard. And the next thing you know, you're finding beautiful little heads laying around your backyard. Glorious orange, pretty little. Love bird heads.

[Brett]

Your dogs must love that.

[John Holmberg]

Well, they don't know. I. I get to them pretty quick. Okay. I don't know where the bodies are. The dogs might leave the heads for me, but they're like, brett, it is so sad to see something so pretty decapitated. Oh, said O.J. i was just say that it is true. So all I'm saying is, if you're going to toy with this idea and you lose a countless amount of velvet monkeys in a major metropolitan area, I root for the monkeys. And I love that the guy who had him isn't saying a word. He didn't even put out a. Like a. He didn't put posters up in the neighborhood like, a cat was missing. It's like, anybody see, like, 35 of these? Call this number. He's just like, nope, I don't.

[Brett]

That would be a ballsy thing.

[John Holmberg]

I don't have any 35 of these. I don't have any more of these.

[Brett]

I lost all mine.

[John Holmberg]

This guy says, I hate that. I'm laughing with Brett. We all do. It's a funny story by itself. He ruins it, but I'm just hoping there's like a mass exodus of, you know, people of St. Louis have to move because they. To Greenland, they take over. Well, moving to Greenland, they take over. They just take over the whole town. And St. Louis is a ghost town because some idiot let this happen. Brady. No way. It's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness to tell you about my [e-mail] you got something you want to do in that backyard because it's just not what you want it to be. Make it beautiful. With turfmonstersaz.com you can turf it. You throw in a sport court. You can put pavers, lighting, pergolas, plants, fire pits. You dream it up, and they can make it a reality. Turf monsters will turn your backyard into an amazing outdoor space you can use every day of the year. Check it out right now. Turfmonstersaz.com It's Brady, and I'm here with.

[Brady]

Christy from the Wildlife World zoo.

[Christy]

With over 6,000 animals, we always have something new and exciting going on. Now anyone can come out and book a private encounter with our sloth, our California sea lions, or our capybara.

[Brady]

It's so worth it.

[Christy]

We're the largest exotic Animal collection in Arizona. We're located right off the 303 and Northern Avenue. For information on the park for hours, or to book a private encounter with one of our amazing Animals, visit Wildlife.

[John Holmberg]

World.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness. It can't be celebrated anymore that the animals that don't belong are in somebody's backyard in Gilbert or anything else, because this is how it always ends. It's crazy.

[Brady]

My velvet monkey would never escape.

[John Holmberg]

No. But if you had a lot of them, because one one beats three.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Next thing you know is like, I got this one pretty much under control, and he needs a friend. You're going to go get another one because you know where to get them. And then those two are like, we could use a third. The third shows up. Next thing you know, you got 10 of them or they multiply. Can you imagine how adorable little babies would be? And I'm not getting rid of any of these.

[Brett]

You guys know we're going to have, like, nine velvet monkeys in Palladio this year.

[John Holmberg]

It's a good name. It's a good stl vms. Either way, Winston says they handled Harambe fine enough. Harambe wasn't doing anything wrong, and they still took him down. Anyway. I found the funny a story because all of a sudden it's like, oh, my God, I can't believe this. Stop it. Neighbors, this is an important thing. If. If Brady slash someone has an exotic pet in their backyard, it isn't funny and it isn't cute. It's time to call someone and have that put into a facility. I'm looking at you. I'm looking right at you.

[Brady]

Ever had one?

[John Holmberg]

If you could, you would. No. One day.

[Brady]

One day.

[John Holmberg]

No. No. If some dealer came to you and said, how about I get you one for a couple hundred? You'd feel the pinch of that $200 right away, because your body doesn't like hearing those words.

[Brady]

I've looked into it.

[John Holmberg]

200? Yeah.

[Michael]

Brady take a monkey.

[John Holmberg]

Brady would absolutely take for the last. He walking around the neighborhood in a diaper until it rips someone's face off. And then he wouldn't. He would act like it was their fault. People need to take accountability for their stupid actions. It's not the fault of the animal. Take over all of Missouri, please. Nobody wants to go there anyway. It's a dump. All of Missouri can be just a big habitat for primates now. I'm for it. I'm sick of us doing this dumb stuff. And then the news was like, my God, we've got to put a stop to this. Nope. You had your chance. They're loose. Now they're yours. And isn't it too cold? Won't they just die?

[Brady]

It'd be tough winter.

[John Holmberg]

They're just going to fall out of trees and stuff.

[Brady]

They need warmth.

[John Holmberg]

Just walking along and like, what the hell's coming out of that tree? Like a big ice block with arms. Oh, my God.

[Brady]

Mini yeti.

[John Holmberg]

Look at them. There's. It's raining. Rain and velvet. You know they're not native to Missouri, right? I've heard. Yeah, I've read that in the news. Thanks for including that in the thing. But anyway, thought I'd throw that out there for everybody. All you people who own the exotic pets and you think it's fun. Dude. At the Biltmore walking around with snakes and parrots and some sort of weird hawk, tigers, a raptor, wolves and. Yeah, I don't know what the hell you're doing. It's insane and it needs to be stopped. Zoos exist for a reason. So you weirdos can go watch caged animals stand. Keep it that way. Brady likes that over there. He likes to feed pumpkins to things that don't eat pumpkins. It's cute.

[Brady]

Nothing better when you bond with a badger.

[John Holmberg]

Sure there is nothing better than. I can think of a thousand things better, including maybe parts of the Holocaust. Who but you're. You're. You're different than me. Oh, yeah. There's nothing worse than trying to bond with a wild animal. That's the dumbest thing in the world. I'll just put it this way. Some people survived the Holocaust bonding with badgers. Probably 100% failure rate.

[Brady]

It's a tough one.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's a tough one to go. I got out of that one. Clean the bank.

[Brett]

Looking at your business proposal, I'm going.

[Brady]

To break this hyena you watch.

[Brett]

Bonding with badgers. Is that what you're calling the business name?

[John Holmberg]

It's ridiculous. Stop it. Wild animal lovers. Brady. Brady's. I give him credit though. As tempted as he is. And that's the only reason I go.

[Brady]

To the zoo for that.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly. As tempted as he is.

[Brett]

And then what do you do at the zoo?

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brett]

And then he's getting with somebody that you can go and touch him on that.

[John Holmberg]

Ronnie puts the xna.

[Brady]

There might. There might have been a reptile or two in the house. If Ronnie.

[John Holmberg]

That shouldn't have been there.

[Brett]

Oh, if Ronnie wasn't there.

[Brady]

If Ronnie wasn't there, you would have what?

[John Holmberg]

Kirby probably would have no Brady.

[Brady]

Okay. I would.

[John Holmberg]

Let me tell you this. Maybe if Ronnie wasn't there, Kirby wouldn't be there.

[Brady]

Well, she. She wouldn't shoot it down. Kirby, who's like.

[John Holmberg]

No, I'm saying. Oh, you're saying if Ronnie left you.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You assume Kirby would still live with you.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah, for sure.

[John Holmberg]

And then you guys would just play with snakes all day.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So retarded Daddy is now. No court is gonna allow this. You get. You get every other weekend with. And then you can play with your snakes all week. Ronnie puts a stop to this. But I give you credit, because as tempted as you are to own something for attention, that way you do it the right way. You go to zoos, and you walk by that crazy person's house who has the. That's close to your place, which I admire that guy. If it wasn't for that guy's exotic animal exhibit on the Green belt by Brady's, Brady would have died years ago. It's the only exercise he gets.

[Brett]

That's a bird guy.

[Brady]

Carl's.

[John Holmberg]

Carl's Pet Rescue Farm. That's right. And Brady walks his dogs by it and scares the goats. And I don't.

[Brady]

I don't do it too often now.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you know, it's too crowded. Oh. There's too many people there feeding them pumpkins and stuff.

[Brady]

Yeah. Let the kids. Let the kids enjoy it.

[John Holmberg]

Nothing better, though. Nothing better than listen to Christy come in here and talk about the animals and then say how crazy weird you got throwing pumpkins at hippos, which I still find.

[Brett]

And listening to it.

[John Holmberg]

And then she's like, it's fine.

[Brady]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Wow. They just eat the whole pumpkin.

[Brett]

He got up in there.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody knows what that happened for, but it did.

[Brady]

Feeding greenies to rhinos.

[John Holmberg]

It's just awesome. Keeps their teeth clean. He has these false crazy loony theories about what it needs. Yeah, you. That's what the hippo needs. More of you. It was. It wasn't going to make it without us. Well, now it's not. Yeah, because it's been held captive. And it gets pumpkins thrown at its face. It's. It's in. You can imagine if hippos could, like, talk to each other. Like, what the happened? Why? What is going on with the big gourds they chuck at us? We don't eat these. Just eat them. It seems to keep them from losing their minds. Imagine what they'll do to us if we don't eat the pumpkins. They're in some strange fever dream. Yeah. As I was being normal, just hippoing around and stuff. And the next thing you know, I wake up, it's hot. There's some blonde woman and a fat man throwing pumpkins at me.

[Brady]

How about a tree?

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what. I don't get food if I don't eat the big orange. But I don't want them. But they seem to be entertained heavily by the way. I smash them. And if I hear the words one more time. Could you imagine if that was a head? I'm gonna kill him. Bust right through it anyway. And I know what Brett's thinking. Velvet is beautiful. He can't hear that without. I'm proud of you for not doing it. We got Rock wars coming up now. Brady, you were warned last week as the loser of Rock wars that you should be prepared for today stories that are off limits.

[Brett]

Okay?

[John Holmberg]

The monkeys of St. Louis.

[Brady]

Oh, come on.

[John Holmberg]

And anything that happens from now until we ask for what your topic is.

[Brady]

Got it?

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Take last place seriously, because you made a stink last week about Rock Wars. Now, we've given you your this is yours for a reason this week. Because Brett won, right?

[Brady]

No, you did.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I won. That's right. Of course I did. It's rigged. That's right, John Gordon, it's yours. Good luck. Do you have a topic yet?

[Brady]

Yeah. What is that?

[John Holmberg]

I don't want to know yet. What is that? Velvet. All right, we'll get to that in a second. Rock wars is right around the corner. It's 98. It's out of control now.