01-29-26 - Adam Ferrara - Desert Ridge Improv - In Studio

Summary

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Holmberg's Morning Sickness – 01-29-26: Adam Ferrara In Studio (Desert Ridge Improv)

Main Theme/Purpose This lively episode features comedian Adam Ferrara, who joins John Holmberg and the gang in studio ahead of his stand-up dates at the Desert Ridge Improv. The conversation is wide-ranging—touching on car culture, psychedelic experiences, therapy, family stories, the entertainment business, and their unique perspectives on everyday absurdities. Humor underpins even the most serious topics, true to the show’s irreverent tone.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Barrett-Jackson Auctions and Car Culture

• The group opens with banter about the iconic Arizona car auction, Barrett-Jackson. Holmberg laments Adam’s absence this year, sharing his amazement at the money flying around (“I can't. I don't know who's complaining that there's something wrong with the economy? Because it's just insane how much money is walking around in there.” ~ [02:00, A]).
• Adam jokes about sending his “representative”—a friend’s six-year-old—to attend in his place, poking fun at the absurdity.
• The guys riff on the million-dollar custom Lincolns on display, mocking the ridiculousness of such wealth in a tongue-in-cheek way:
  • “Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa.” – Holmberg [02:53]
  • Adam: “Every man has his price.” [02:57]

2. Dreams, Psychedelics, and Therapy

• Holmberg confesses he dreamt of Adam before the show, setting up a segue as Ferrara tells of trying mushrooms to gain self-understanding:
  • Adam: “I did a psychedelic thing.... I did the mushroom because I did all my research.” [04:07]
  • Discusses researching ayahuasca and ketamine but ruling out the more intense/illegal options, preferring a “safe” approach.
  • “My buddy did ketamine…then he got a divorce, but I think he was gonna get a divorce, but it sped it up.” [04:30]
  • Ferrara recounts an anticlimactic guided mushroom session (“I was buzzed, right, but I wasn't smelling colors. I wasn't..."), but describes a therapeutic realization: surrendering his expectations.
  • “I will surrender my expectations.” (the “message” from the session) [07:45]
• Discussion turns to anger, short fuses, and wrestling with one’s own mind, highlighted by Adam’s comic self-awareness.
  • “From zero to homicide in three seconds.” – Adam Ferrara, describing his temper [08:25]
• Both men riff on intrusive thoughts and the duality of their internal dialogue, with plenty of self-deprecating humor about needing therapy.

3. Family, Upbringing, and Roots in Comedy

• Heartfelt and funny stories about their families’ immigrant/gritty roots:
  • Adam on therapy: “You don’t need therapy. You go to confession and tell God what you did. No. Oh, yeah. And my father leaned in and went, ‘Oh, hold it. You don’t confess to nothing.’” [09:23]
  • Hilarious reflection on the promise of Catholic heaven: “Eternity in a gated community with my relatives. This is what—I’m not having a hamburger on Friday to get there. What, are you kidding me?” [10:57]
• Ferrara’s dad’s advice after his first open mic set:
  • “Do it now before your life gets complicated…you better give it everything you got, because one day there’s gonna be an old man looking back at you in that mirror, and you don’t ever want to think, if I only tried a little bit harder.” [14:05 – 14:37]
• Family participation in his career—his mom bringing the whole neighborhood to comedy shows; parents’ unwavering support; his amusing discomfort performing in front of them.

4. Hauntings, Regrets, and Petty Ghosts

• Hysterical section on who they’d haunt if they were ghosts:
  • Adam would haunt Joe Pisarcik (the Giants QB infamous for the “Miracle at the Meadowlands” fumble), seeking sports-related vengeance [18:54].
  • Holmberg says Steve Bartman (the Cubs fan blamed for the 2003 Cubs meltdown).
  • The dark humor extends to discussing “haunting” for revenge, sexual reasons (Dua Lipa gets an inappropriate shoutout), and the Cosby “Ghost Dad” scandal [19:53 – 20:20].

5. Showbiz Realities: Residuals & Life as a Working Actor

• Adam shares the financial struggles actors face—residuals, qualifying for health insurance, and hilarious complaints that ex–Cosby Show actors can’t get their teeth cleaned due to Cosby’s crimes killing syndication [21:01 – 21:59].
• Updates on his recurring role on NCIS—playing “Sloppy Joe Sammy,” a bookie with a food truck, occasionally a “rat” for the detectives [23:08].
  • Talks about makeup, beat-up scenes, and the day-to-day grind for bit actors.
  • “You know what I need? I need a sci-fi movie—so you can go sign autographs at comic cons.” [25:18]
  • Quips about being from "the Lower East Side of the Milky Way."

6. Technology, Healthcare, and Modern Life Absurdities

• Long, playful riff on healthcare, pharmaceutical ads, and telemedicine:
  • “Why didn’t he (my doctor) suggest it?” – On ‘ask your doctor’ ads [27:51]
  • Ferrara: “I’m not supposed to go to the doctor with ideas…he’s supposed to have the answer.” [27:52]
  • Telehealth and getting prescriptions online (“I got this,” says Holmberg).

7. AI, Therapy Bots, and Internet Surveillance

• Satirical deep-dive on AI therapists; Holmberg details purposely faking confessions to his AI bot.
  • “You can play with them and tell them you’ve killed people.” [30:40]
  • “The bot’s like, I hope you’re kidding.” – Adam [31:06]
  • Noticing targeted ads after “confessing” odd fetishes to his “therapist,” raising privacy jokes—“there's been cars outside the house...loads of old people commercials are coming up on my stuff.” [33:12]
  • Ferrara: “That's the whole thing: designed to get you to spill intimate secrets so they can advertise to you for fun and profit.” [33:26]

8. Pet Peeves & How to Fix the World

• Closing gag: If Adam were in charge, the first thing he’d ban is “subscriptions to anything."
  • “I’m gonna buy something, I’m gonna give you money, and I never want to see you again.” [29:07]
  • Holmberg’s comedic leap: “We need prostitution apps. We pay them to go away.” [29:31]
• Spirals into a madcap brainstorm about drive-thru ‘ejaculations’, car seat covers, and buffets with sneeze guards [29:31 – 30:03].

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Surrendering Expectations and Therapy

  • “I will surrender my expectations.” – Adam Ferrara [07:45]
  • “If you expect life to look one way and it’s not, you get...angry.” [08:08]
  • “From zero to homicide in three seconds.” – Adam Ferrara [08:25]

• On Growing Up

  • “My father would say, ‘Look, my job is to give you a better life than the one I had, so pay attention. Cause I’m tired and I'm running out of money.’” – Adam [13:01]
  • “Do it now before your life gets complicated.” – Adam’s Dad [14:10]

• On AI Therapy Bots

  • “You can play with them and tell them you’ve killed people.” – Holmberg [30:40]
  • “The bot’s like, I hope you’re kidding.” – Adam Ferrara [31:06]

• On How to Fix the World

  • “No more subscriptions to anything. I’m gonna buy something, give you money, and never want to see you again.” – Adam Ferrara [29:07]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [02:00] Barrett-Jackson/culture of excess
• [03:49] Work dreams, psychedelic rabbit hole
• [04:09 – 07:45] Adam’s mushroom/therapy journey
• [09:23] Comic reflections on Catholic confession/therapy
• [10:57] Heaven and the afterlife, family dynamics
• [14:05 – 14:37] Father’s advice on pursuing comedy
• [18:54 – 19:44] Haunting people as ghosts (Joe Pisarcik, Steve Bartman)
• [21:01] Cosby Show, residuals, actor struggles
• [23:08] Adam’s NCIS “Sloppy Joe Sammy” experience
• [27:51] Medical ads, telehealth, healthcare absurdities
• [30:40] AI therapy, privacy jokes
• [29:07] Adam’s “fix the world”: abolish subscriptions, joke about prostitution apps

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Tone & Language

• The episode is quick-witted, irreverent, and playful, representing both the hosts’ and Adam Ferrara’s comedic sensibilities. They use vivid, sometimes dark humor to dissect relatable frustrations with modern life, family, and careers.
• Frequent call-backs, riffs, and improv-style threads are woven throughout. Even the heavier themes (therapy, regret, family) are approached with humor and self-deprecation.

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For New Listeners

If you haven’t heard the episode, expect a freewheeling mix of stand-up bits, behind-the-scenes stories, and banter that effortlessly toggles between hilarity and honesty. Adam Ferrara’s blend of candor, family tales, and comic insight meshes perfectly with Holmberg’s wild, unapologetic humor. This is morning radio at its funniest: controversial, smart, and never boring.

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. It's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness and I'm absolutely thrilled to tell you about my new [e-mail] here's the proof that me talking about something on the radio can be trusted. Because I purchased a 2024 customized Ford Bronco from the gang at Lifted Trucks. That opened my eyes to who and what these guys are all about. They not only have thousands of trucks to choose from, they also have nationwide shipping and they can get anything anywhere. My Bronco's been customized. Countless other pro athletes and celebrities. Now little old me choose Lifted Trucks and Lifted trucks dot com. Work hard, play hard, drive harder.

[B]

All right, HMS Podcast time again.

[A]

I'll let you know where to go.

[B]

For some great comedy in the Valley this week. Head to the Desert Ridge Improv on the north end of town to catch the comedy of Ron Funches and Joe Mackey. East Siders at the Tempe Improv, you've got David Nyhill and andy Huggins from AGT. And Downtown at Stand Up Live, it's the incomparable JB Smooth. For the complete lineups, tickets go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com.

[A]

Sickness.

[C]

The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail.

[A]

Adam Ferrari's here and he's a Desert Ridge Improv this weekend starting tonight, all.

[C]

The way through Sunday.

[A]

Man, you were rolling through and you missed Barrett Jackson.

[C]

It's vaudeville. I had to go to New York. Yes, I had.

[A]

You're always here.

[D]

And he was lucky to get out.

[C]

Yeah, no, I had to fly in and I flew in last night. So I'm sorry I missed. I sent Brad and I sent him my representative.

[A]

Brad. Did Brad go into Brad and Victor?

[C]

I sent in his six year old kid.

[A]

He took your place.

[C]

I said, get in there. Okay, Represent me.

[A]

And they did. What? Did they come out with anything?

[C]

I think that. What'd you come out with? Did you buy the Lincoln? No, no, not this time. He was talking about the.

[D]

The million dollar 66.

[C]

66?

[A]

Yeah, there's a couple of them. That thing is such an amazing. Every time I walked in, I haven't been to Barrett in a long time. I went this a couple weeks ago and as I'm walking through, I'm just like, I can't. I don't know who's complaining that there's something wrong with the economy? Because it's just insane how much money is walking around in there. And that's just ticket prices, let alone what's about to happen. It's just crazy, the draw on that thing and how much is floating around. And I know people just. I'm not talking about the politics of it. I'm just saying.

[D]

My God, I'd heard the tickets like on Monday and Tuesday are like 35 bucks, right. Just to get in. Friday it was 96 bucks.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

That's the Lincoln that went for a million bucks horsepower.

[C]

Coyote V8.

[A]

It's got a Coyote in it. That's a brand new. Okay. And it went from it.

[C]

That means it works.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

The rest of mods mean they work.

[A]

Yeah, but I mean, look at the dude just bidding. He's just like, yep, non stop. No problem. Never. Don't.

[C]

Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa.

[A]

Exactly. All right, Wonka.

[C]

How much for the Oompa Loompa?

[A]

Not for sale. Every man has this price. Yeah, the. Yeah, it's an amazing thing, but you missed it this year. We always look forward to you. And you know what's funny? I'm going to tell you this. I had a dream about you last night.

[C]

Really?

[A]

This is fun.

[C]

Well, before you start that, may I say the ass is popping.

[A]

Oh, thank you. My day is made, my friend. You haven't even seen me walk away yet. Wait until you see this. But I. I had a dream about you last night. Because yesterday Toledo said, hey, if Adam come back two days, can you wanna do it? I'm like, yeah, that's fine. So I had one of those work dreams where nothing was just sleeping. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Which means I'm sleeping. But I had a dream and you came in and I couldn't make a word of sense out of anything. And you're just answering with one word. And this was the worst interview ever. So I'm like, show. I'm like building things. And you keep going. Yeah, that's great. And it was just going. And it was.

[C]

It wouldn't end.

[A]

You ever. Those work days, Brady.

[C]

Tuesday, he gets pudding.

[A]

Yeah. Have those dreams that like comedy.

[C]

When I. When I. I ate a Chinese mushroom once.

[A]

Oh, my God, you've been listening. We're listening in the car. And I go, I gotta get in there. What? What? You would do the Chinese?

[C]

I. I did. I did a psychedelic thing.

[A]

Really?

[C]

I did the mushroom because I did all my research, right? Yes, because I. I looked at the world. I looked at me and I go, it's got to be me.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Life's been here a lot longer than I have.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

It's got to be me.

[A]

So.

[C]

So I did my research. Ayahuasca. I'm not, I'm not going to Peru.

[A]

It's too far. And.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm not traveling for it. No.

[C]

Not traveling for it. My, my buddy did ketamine.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then he got a divorce, but I think he was gonna get a.

[A]

Divorce, but I had a guy do the same thing.

[D]

Sped it up.

[C]

Yeah, I think it sped it up.

[A]

He had a life altering experience and came home and told his wife he didn't want to be with her anymore.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Same thing. Wow.

[C]

Probably same guy. Yeah, it could be, but ketamines, it's a dissociative and it's, it's, it's got to be intravenous and it's what I read it go. A lot of anesthesiologists administer it for you.

[A]

Really?

[C]

So you're like, you got to go to some apartment in the Valley. I'm like, yeah, I'm. I'm not doing it. No.

[A]

That's like dentistry at a days in. Yeah, not going to do that.

[C]

Yeah. So. And then dmt.

[A]

Yeah, I've heard that's awesome.

[C]

That, that's like. Well, I was, I was offered bufo, which is the organic. The toad Venom. The organic dmt. It's the same thing. Well, it's the organic version of it, but it's like in 15 minutes you're in another dimension, you back it on the street. Make sense of that. Yeah, I'm like, that seems like a lot.

[A]

I just don't like taking anything with the name Venom. I won't even drink like a monster energy drink.

[C]

It's too much for you. Vanilla Venom.

[A]

I'm like, that's Venom. And I'm supposed to avoid Venom.

[D]

And would you go old school and lick the toad?

[C]

No.

[D]

Good.

[C]

Christ.

[A]

What's wrong with you?

[C]

Well, that's. You know what I. Look, there's got to be something else out there. Yeah, you know, I need to go. It's an acquired taste. If you put something in your mouth for the first time and you go, I gotta get used to this. What?

[A]

Yeah. I had a friend years ago order a pizza, right? And he put mushrooms under the cheese without anybody knowing.

[C]

Mushroom mushrooms.

[A]

Mushroom mushrooms. And we're eating them and I'm like, this pizza tastes horrible. And he's just going. And I'm like, oh, no. All I did was throw up for 35 minutes. I got a headache and I went right to sleep.

[C]

Well, that's what I did the mushrooms. I did my research. And you go and you meet the. You go. Met this guy that was recommended to me, and he talks to you for one day, what you want to do, and then you go back to next day. And I told my wife, I'm going to go do this. And she get well, I don't. I don't like it, but if it's something you need to do, I know you missed this.

[A]

Ms. Doubtfires. Yes.

[C]

Sounds like my wife lives under a mushroom.

[A]

She came under the door.

[C]

She came under the door. Okay. If you want to do it, I love and support you. I'll be with the dogs under the bed.

[A]

Is she in your pocket right now?

[C]

Can we meet her?

[A]

Yeah, that'd be lovely.

[C]

So I, I, I. I said, okay, we're gonna go do this. So I drove to the guy's house, and I told him, I said, if I wake up, my ass is wet and I feel shame.

[A]

I'm gonna beat the hell out of him.

[C]

And I'm leaving my wallet in the car. So he gave me a bunch of mushrooms. Right. So you go in the room, it's dark. You listen to.

[A]

He get.

[C]

There's a playlist.

[D]

Are you the only one in there?

[A]

No.

[C]

He sits in the. In. In the. He holds.

[A]

Spit. Whatever it's called. He jerks off while you're asleep.

[C]

Yeah, so. So I got up like an hour and a half into. I was buzzed, right. But I wasn't smelling colors. You know? I wasn't.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But about an hour and a half into it, I got up, I looked at him, I go, it ain't working. You want to eat? And he went, what? He goes, how are you not swinging off the ceiling? I gave you a job. I said, I don't know what salad.

[A]

Bar you got these from, but it's Sizzler. You just had a bad experience. So, nothing? No.

[C]

Well, no, a great deal, but it wasn't like what I expected.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So he said, what's the last thing you remember? And John, I think I was answering a question, but I don't know who asked the question. Which was weird. It was so I remember saying, I will surrender my expectations. And the guy goes, that's the message. I go, wow. But it's not fun.

[A]

Yeah, it's not fun.

[C]

You're wrestling. I'm wrestling with all this. All this stuff is coming up. But then, like, two Days, three days, a week later, a month later, you're walking around like, oh, you had a moment. Yeah.

[A]

And then you surrender expectations.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Because if you expect life to look one way and it's not, you get. You get like. I get angry. I don't know.

[D]

Frustrated.

[A]

No, no. Yeah.

[C]

I don't know if you noticed this, John, but I'm on a short view. Yeah.

[A]

You're not running this.

[C]

This is right now. Yeah. I don't know right now.

[A]

I don't know. Patience is probably not the thing I would apply to.

[C]

From zero to homicide in three seconds.

[A]

Exactly.

[D]

He's top fuel.

[A]

Yeah, I get it. I get it. And I'm kind of in that same. I have a little more calm about.

[C]

Yes, you do.

[A]

But I also have horrible murderous thoughts.

[C]

Oh, that I know.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's.

[C]

I met. The first time I met you, I go, I like him, but I don't want to be alone.

[A]

There's the darkness.

[C]

I'll be there with Brady's there.

[D]

I need my shaman.

[A]

It's what my brain does that I'm just like. That just can't be right. I have two sides of my brain. One will tell me something, and I'm like, no one thought that but you. And then I'm like, who's talking to this? Like, there's a guy answering those horrible thoughts without. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

When I was a kid, I told my parents, I said, you know, I said, I think I need to talk to somebody. And I heard in my head. I'm listening now. You're the reason I'm going.

[A]

You quiet down.

[C]

But I was a kid and I went to therapy. I remember telling my mom, I still.

[A]

Said, I think I'm gonna go to therapy.

[C]

And I was like, don't try to hang this crap on me.

[D]

That helps.

[A]

Yeah. And we'll start there.

[C]

You don't need therapy. You go to confession and tell God what you did. No. Oh, yeah. And my father leaned in and went, oh, hold it. You don't confess to nothing.

[A]

What are you, Ferrari?

[C]

This is a frigging setup. Don't ye everywhere. He knows. He don't need you running your mouth.

[A]

You gotta say it out loud.

[C]

He saw it. Matter with you?

[A]

Steve did nothing. Yeah, he saw it. That's why I always say that about God and stuff like that. People think that he's always watching, or I think of it more when people are like, well, especially in sports. Like, I'm just. My grandpa, he's watching me. And I'm like, if that's True. He only watches the touchdowns. He never watched you, like, waffle stomp your feces into the shower drink.

[C]

You should have caught it because your grandfather was in the sky.

[A]

Come on. Yeah. I like what you.

[C]

Thank God he's the one that gave us this victory.

[A]

So what?

[C]

I'm just saying God took the over.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

He had money on it. Yeah.

[C]

What about the other people?

[A]

But they never once, like, point up to the sky after they pull their thumb out of their ass and wipe their stomach off from an afternoon of horrible things.

[D]

Thank God he hit the parlay.

[A]

It was a. I. I always think, like, my grandparents Alvar and Isabelle are up there in heaven, and they got a TV of John. Yeah. And occasionally they turn it on and just shut it off.

[C]

Shut it off.

[A]

What's he doing?

[C]

Isabelle's like, it's on every channel, everywhere.

[D]

It's his thumb.

[A]

We have to stop watching. I also think heaven is a scam, because if you could go anywhere in the universe at any time, you're gonna spend time watching me. Why go back to the house you lived in?

[C]

But the Catholicism promise that I got as a kid is. You know, my mother would say the prayer before we eat.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

One day we'll all be together in heaven. And I'm like, that's the reward.

[A]

Yeah. We're together now.

[C]

Eternity in a gated community with my relatives. This is what. I'm not having a hamburger on Friday to get there. What, are you kidding me?

[A]

That's exactly it. And it's scary to think that they can watch us if that. If people believe. I don't think anybody actually believes.

[C]

I just think. I just. I just think. And let me. Let me qualify this gentleman. Like, I've been wrong before. Oh, yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And it's felt just like this.

[A]

But.

[C]

It'S like, I just think we get past our ego.

[A]

That's the.

[C]

Oh, you know, like, that's what it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Be in the world, but not of the world. So you get your. You don't see your expectations through the filter of all the damage and stuff. Childhood. Look, I was. I was raised in a hot lz.

[A]

You know, it wasn't.

[C]

You know, it wasn't like, my childhood was like I perished. It was gunfire. Occasional ordinance would go off, a lot of screaming, a lot of yellow.

[A]

You didn't see nothing. Yeah. This happens everywhere. Yeah.

[C]

Just like. I'm not yelling.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

All the men in my family sound like this. All right.

[D]

It is funny. It's just.

[A]

You look back and say, what a happy childhood, though.

[C]

I was lucky. Yeah. I had parents that loved me and did the best they could.

[A]

Yeah. It's with hindsight that you look back and go, those two didn't know anything.

[C]

But yet I got all ten fingers, ten toes.

[A]

I'm alive. That's. My dad told me that when I was like 35, I said, you've relaxed so much, I can hang out with you now. You were so tense. And he goes, I had a job I went to every day, and then I came home to make sure you were still alive. And I went to bed because I wanted to go to sleep to make sure I didn't do anything bad until tomorrow when I started the whole thing over, because my whole job was to make sure you were alive. And he goes, and it was terrifying.

[C]

It's something, something. Check out Homework's morning sickness podcast at 98. Kup Holmberg's Morning Sickness. How can you be mad at anybody if that's his priority?

[A]

That was his priorities to make sure I didn't die.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He was horribly mean about, like, not in a, in a nasty way, but just tense about. Ah. Everything I was gonna do was gonna kill me.

[C]

Oh, there wasn't, there wasn't a lot of gloss over the.

[A]

No.

[C]

My father would say, look, my job is to give you a better life than the one I had, so pay attention. Cause I'm tired and I'm running out of money.

[A]

That's the lesson. That's it. And he accepted your career path and all.

[C]

He was. This was the best thing my dad did to me. I, I, I, I went to an open mic at this little comedy club. I always want to try. And I made the mistake of telling my mother. My mother was the original Twitter.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

She told everybody.

[A]

Whole neighborhood.

[C]

The whole neighborhood shows up, right? So I gotta be good. It's a hundred seater. But Wednesday night, we sell out because my mother.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[C]

Anyone in my family that made parole was there. And my father was there, so they were very supportive. And I killed.

[A]

Yeah, I killed.

[C]

And I went down to my father's office. He did kitchens and bathrooms. So I always come in through the, through the shop, right? And I work for him. I drove trucks and swung hammers and stuff. And he looked at me like he. Because I came from a. That's why I love cars. My dad loved cars and he could fix them. I don't have the. If then go to statement.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

My job was to hold the light, right. So I could never fix anything. So I always felt like I never fit in, right. So after he saw me do stand up, I walked down. He looked at me like he never looked at me before. He's like, who's this guy? I can vividly remember to look. And I said, pop, I think I want to do stand up. He takes a long drag off of his lucky. He looks at me and goes, do it now. He goes, do it now before your life gets complicated. He said, but if you're going to do this, you better give it everything you got, because one day there's going to be an old man looking back at you in that mirror, and you don't ever want to think, if I only tried a little bit harder.

[A]

Wow. Yeah.

[C]

But you could have told me this before I sent you to college.

[A]

That's great. Yeah.

[C]

And he was at every gig.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He's super supportive.

[C]

My mother, my father. Yeah. I did a.

[A]

Did you like doing comedy in front of your parents?

[C]

No. Yeah, but I'm not gonna tell. I'm not gonna be there.

[A]

I told my parents not to listen.

[C]

Really?

[A]

There's no reason for you to listen to this.

[C]

Do they still listen?

[A]

Huh?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And occasionally, like. Well, he told that story about me with a pencil. That's not exactly. All right, calm down. It's exactly how it happened. You just remember your.

[C]

Oh, that's the other thing. My mother would be like, why do you tell these stories on the television?

[A]

Yeah, okay. Those are my stories.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. But I. Oh. So I did a. Toyota. Used to have a comedy festival in New York, the Toyota. And I did a. I wrote a one man show and I was doing it at this theater. So my. My parents came in from Long island because I'm a Renaissance man. I'm both bridge and tunnel everywhere in the.

[A]

Oh, wow. The boroughs are yours.

[C]

The boroughs are mine. So it's. It's New York City. My mother and my father, he's. He's doing a play in New York that he wrote. Joe, we gotta go. They called all the old Gyndaloons my. My father rented, you know, that. You know, like when you. When you land, you go to the Sheridan. There's the shuttle bus, that black short wheelbase shuttle bus. He loads them all in there. They're bringing food in. I mean, they got like, you want some gala mod before it gets cold? They're all coming in, right? And it's hot. It's the summertime. So we're backstage and the stage manager comes back and he's shaking. I go, what's the matter? He's like, there's a woman sitting in the theater. Two women sitting in the theater and they yelled at me. I go, little lady you knew immediately got a haircut. Yeah, it looks like Ringo. A. Yeah. She wearing a loud leopard print from Chico's.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Taller lady next to her.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Gotta go.

[C]

Funny eye.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He goes, I told him, they can't be in there. She looked at me and said, I'm the mother. Work it out. They're still there. I go, yeah, stay away from her. You'll be fine.

[A]

Let her be Ringo dressed as Peg Bundy.

[C]

She gets the haircut. It looks like Ringo a little bit. And then when she got older, she started dressing like Elvis. I don't know when the hell that happened. Jumpsuits. Yeah.

[A]

Like, what is gonna meet the whole family?

[C]

Big belt buckle, a cape. I'm sorry.

[A]

No, I was gonna promote you. Keep playing.

[C]

No, keep promoting.

[A]

It's Adam. Desert Ridge Improv tonight, tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. It's always a great thing. Desert ridgeimprov.com Be sure to get your tickets right there. I just wanted to interrupt for a second. Please break. But please continue telling us about Ringo, the mom.

[C]

My mother.

[A]

Yeah, she's.

[C]

Well, she's in the. She's an 85, you know. You know, the 55 and other communities, you know. Yeah, yeah. So with the guard. The guards older than she is because he's this 90 year old guy in a bow tie. And I'm like, ma, how secure do you feel knowing Orville Redenbacher has the left flank?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't know.

[D]

Stopping. What?

[C]

Yeah, he's stopping and he always pulls me up. He goes, state your business like it's me. I'm here to remember you.

[A]

What do you do?

[C]

I'm here every week.

[A]

Every day's a new job to him.

[C]

Stop it. I gave you a picture for your grandkids. You forget I signed it for your birthday. Sometimes he looks at me and goes, name? Eleanor Roosevelt. What are you doing? It's me, you dope.

[A]

And she's in the. She's happy in the community.

[C]

Well, she's out. I. My. My father passed away. My mother's convinced my father's a ghost. The ghost is in the condo with her, and the ghost isn't talking to her because they're fighting. That's how she processes grief.

[A]

They're in an argument. He's still here.

[C]

Your father's in the other room. He's not talking to me. Trying to scare me by banging drawers and flicking the lights on and off. I. I'm not scared of your ghost.

[A]

Crap.

[C]

Joe, knock it off. Judge Brown is on till death do you part. My ass.

[A]

He stayed. That's haunting. I wouldn't want that. I wouldn't want anybody to stick around me. And that's again. Why would you haunt the person you were with the whole time? Go haunt Halle Berrier. Margot Robbie.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Who would you haunt?

[C]

Who would I die today?

[A]

Who do you come back and haunt?

[D]

Ooh.

[C]

Who do I come back and haunt?

[A]

Mine's Joe Pizarchik. Wow. Really humble against the Eagles. Yeah. The Herman Edwards play. That's.

[C]

I'm holding on to the ball, you dope.

[A]

Screwed up the whole thing. He was trying to down the ball. Yeah. The game was over.

[C]

No, he should take a knee, you dope.

[A]

Drop down. What are you running for? Yeah. Herm Edwards, famous runner. Brutal Eagles.

[C]

Giants.

[A]

Yeah. So Pizarchic.

[C]

You know, Pizarchic.

[A]

So you would use your ghost skills to. For revenge.

[C]

I would. Yeah.

[A]

And I would just listen to me.

[C]

Do I sound like a man that lets things go?

[A]

No, but I find that, like, that's interesting. You would go after Joe Pisargic's a good one. Now I'm kind of thinking maybe Steve Bartman might be mine.

[C]

Oh, Cubs.

[A]

The Cubs. Yeah, that might be.

[C]

That poor guy. He disappeared.

[A]

Well, he had to.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He ruined it. Yeah. And it was his fault.

[C]

All right.

[A]

He knows he lives with it because he's supposed to. All right. Yeah, I'll go.

[D]

Stanley Wilson.

[A]

Yes. Well, Stanley Wilson just didn't show up.

[D]

It didn't help.

[A]

No, it didn't help at all. Yeah, I would know. I would use mine for sexual reasons. Dua lipa.

[D]

Absolutely.

[A]

I would have sex with Steve Batman. And then I go hunt. Dua Lipa. I would rape Steve Bartman violently. So. Prison sex. And then I'll do it again. Steve Bartman so hard.

[C]

That was the original name of Space Ghost. It didn't test well.

[A]

Well, wasn't it? That wasn't the Cosby one. Ghost dad. It was ghost rape originally. Yeah.

[C]

Which, you know, kind of hurts.

[D]

You look at it.

[A]

Did you see his thing yesterday?

[C]

No. What happened?

[A]

He's under deposition, and he had to admit where he was getting his pills. And he said that he was getting them at a poker game that he played with this kind of terrible. He would get all of his prescriptions from a gynecologist, and the gynecologist was just like at a poker game.

[C]

Gives a new meaning to the word end user.

[D]

Seven times.

[A]

So seven different prescriptions. He refilled with this poker Game that this gynecologist was filling Cosby's prescription, and he said yes, and it was to incapacitate women. Have sex with him. And that just. He just did that. What does he have to lose at this point? He's basically.

[C]

You know who I feel bad for everyone who's on that show because they're not getting any residuals.

[A]

No one's airing it because he raped people. Yeah.

[C]

You were like, I could. You know, like, I buy. We get our health insurance. I can get off heroin. I can't get my teeth cleaned. I had that conversation.

[A]

Yeah. Is that true? Because of the.

[C]

I need to see a dentist. Ah, we don't cover. We got methadone. You want methadone?

[A]

Doesn't cover.

[C]

The dental does. I got. I got.

[A]

What?

[C]

This. I got to get an implant.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Yeah. So they're like.

[A]

And so long as you got something.

[C]

Re Running well, you got to make so much money.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Every year.

[D]

Level.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

So I got residuals and session pair. Like, I just did another episode of NCIS so that. That money counts. And then you're in, and then your residuals count. But they keep. They keep upping it because they don't want to pay you.

[A]

Yeah, they don't do it.

[C]

Yeah, they don't want it.

[A]

But little Raven. Simone probably has bad teeth because Bill Cosby couldn't keep banging money.

[C]

Yeah, she.

[A]

Well, that's true. She's so Raven.

[C]

Keisha Knight.

[A]

So Raven. Yeah, yeah. Keisha Knight. Pulley. Him probably struggling with insurance because Cosby's a rapist.

[C]

She's like. She can't. She can't get the weight loss drug.

[A]

No. Did she put some on? I haven't seen.

[C]

I don't know. Everyone's on a GLP1.

[A]

Are you on one?

[C]

No.

[A]

You want to be? No. You don't need it.

[C]

I will tell you, I've seen me naked, and I'm not impressed.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

From the waist up, nothing.

[A]

Oh, I see.

[C]

Waist down, every move, it's popping.

[A]

Yeah, it's beautiful.

[C]

That's. Look at that.

[A]

Yeah, that's a nice.

[C]

Wow. What is that, a trunk? Can you pick things up with that?

[A]

That's why your wife's so powered by a coyote engine.

[C]

I think it's got a thumb, so.

[A]

You know it works. Adam Ferrari is at Desert Ridge Improv tonight. Tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Desertridgeimprov.com what else is going on in your world right now that you're. Let's talk about things people love with comedy. Let's go Immigration, abortion. You choose.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Bring the kids.

[A]

You pick it. It's what everybody wants to chat about.

[C]

Just for skating. Anymore kids?

[A]

We'll have agents around the building just in case.

[C]

Yeah, no, I just. It's. What am I doing now? I just. Like I said, I just did ncis. I got a recurring role on that. So they brought me back to that, which was fun. And I had to do. They had to find me beat up in the back of a truck.

[A]

Cool.

[C]

So I had to go in for makeup. And you go through all the makeup stuff?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

If you go on my Instagram, you can see I put the timer up.

[A]

Oh, how long it takes.

[C]

How long you sit there and so.

[D]

Your face is pretty battered up.

[C]

Bam. Yeah, I. Man, it was just like. It looked like somebody my uncle used to do business with. Jets didn't cover. Did you, like, get something, something? Check out Hornburg's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[A]

What did you do as a character to deserve this?

[C]

I play. I play character. Sloppy Joe Sammy.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I'm a bookie in a food truck.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

But sometimes they need me for information on the street. Remember the rock?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Excuse me.

[A]

You're a rat.

[C]

I'm an entrepreneur.

[A]

That's ratting from the food truck.

[C]

Hey, what would your dad. Mike, it ain't a gavel. Stop judging.

[A]

Judge all day from the food.

[C]

All right, Let me tell you what. You ever watch? Remember the Rockford Files?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Angel.

[C]

I'm Angel.

[A]

The Epstein Files. I confused the two. Yeah.

[C]

One's got an island and one's got a camper.

[A]

I like the Trans Am. Was that. I don't remember. Is that a camaro or firebird? Whatever.

[C]

76 Firebird.

[A]

Epstein had that. That was nice.

[C]

Yeah, he had that.

[A]

Pick chicks up with that. There he is. Oh, yeah. Oh, there you are. Oh, they're all beat up. Look at you. Yeah. So you're ratting people out from the food truck to protect your.

[C]

Happen in this episode. When we last left, our hero. In this episode, someone stole a truck full of presents for tap kids. Tap is children of lost service members. So whoever. Like, let's say, God forbid, you lose a parent.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

In the service, there's a charity to.

[A]

Teach you to help the kids.

[C]

Yeah. Dance for the kids.

[A]

Get over it.

[C]

They've suffered a lot.

[A]

So.

[C]

So that's. I had. I had to go on the street and find that. Find the guys that say, hey, you stole the wrong truck. Oh, yeah, you gotta bring that back Children. You animal.

[A]

Yeah. And they took you down.

[C]

Hey, they beat me up and put me in the back of a truck.

[A]

Did you have to do that scene or I was just assumed by the.

[C]

No, they find me in the back of a truck. So I had to sit in makeup all morning. And they glued his stuff on you.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

And you know what I need? I need a sci fi movie. Because then you can go and sign the autographs and stuff and you make money just signing stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, going to the.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Comic Con.

[C]

Glue on the antennas.

[A]

I'll be a gork. Yeah, why not? Would you care about, like, being typecast for the rest of your life?

[C]

Yeah, because I sound like I'm from another galaxy. From the lower east side of the Milky Way.

[A]

In a food truck. Yeah.

[C]

He's from 125th street in Andromeda.

[A]

He's rat. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, yeah. See the makeup thing I do every Halloween, I go through a transformation with a Hollywood makeup lady.

[C]

Oh, what?

[A]

And. Well, I'll show you one of them. Last year I was Herbert from Family Guy.

[C]

Oh, that's cool.

[A]

And then I do a, like a big concert thing about it, but like, it gets, it gets fairly out of hand with how. Four and a half hours in the makeup. Yeah.

[C]

For that. Oh, wow.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

That's cool.

[A]

The worst part was, and nobody tells you this is taking it off. Yeah. Four hours to get it off and.

[C]

Then get it all. And then when you're in the shower, you're just like still there. Two days later, it's like.

[A]

And that weird glop, you're pulling it off. That's great. Isn't that pretty great? Yeah.

[D]

She was what I do every morning.

[A]

Annie Domey.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Brady.

[C]

What do you think? This beauty just happens?

[A]

Brady's a 27 year old man. He just wants to look like Andy Reid and Wilford Brimley's diabetic kid.

[C]

It's. Check your prostate. Check it out. Back your butt up to the tv. I'll do it.

[A]

They should have that by now, don't you think?

[C]

What?

[A]

That you could just show your ass to a camera.

[C]

And you know what they do have now you don't have to go to a doctor to get, you know, quest. The lab.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You can go right online and just buy.

[A]

You don't have to get fingered anymore.

[C]

No.

[A]

Well, look, I'm not doing it.

[C]

Whatever gets you through tonight.

[A]

Well, I, if I want to do it voluntarily, I'm not paying somebody.

[C]

Well, I don't know what test, but I heard, I heard an advertisement for it, and they, they asked me to check a box. Is it okay to put this.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Commercial on your podcast?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So you can call up and get any test you want. You don't need a doctor. You're just paying for it.

[A]

Oh, man. I'm all in on that.

[C]

It's like. It's like everything's crumbling.

[A]

Yeah. It just does feel weird.

[C]

You don't need a doctor. What do you need? A laptop. You gotta get some stuff.

[A]

I was sick last week. I went online and got a prescription.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

On a call on doc.com, i'm like, I'm feeling this, this, and this. And then it actually has a page that says, do you want to choose your medicine or have a doctor choose it for you? I'm like, I got this. Yeah.

[C]

Really?

[A]

What's that?

[D]

He got Quaaludes.

[A]

Yeah. He got quail. Yeah. I gotta go wake that brought up. I'm glad you said that. It reminds me. Yeah. Isn't it crazy?

[C]

I just like when you watch the commercial. Ask your doctor about Astrozene. Go. Shouldn't he know about it? What do I gotta ask him?

[D]

Why didn't he suggest it?

[A]

Yeah. I'm not supposed to go to the doctor with ideas. Yeah. I'm supposed to go there with something wrong. He's got the answer.

[C]

I got the issue. He's got the answer.

[A]

Right. I'm not.

[C]

Why am I giving you a copay?

[A]

I'm not. The word problem.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I come in and just say, here's where we're at. I don't have this. I don't have the answers.

[D]

You're not going to get that answer unless you ask the question.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You ask the right question.

[A]

Yeah. It's like codes. Speak. Easy now to go to the doctor. Yeah.

[C]

I, I, it's, it's all. And you can go like this. I love to drive through pharmacy.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, the guy's here for Ambien.

[A]

Wake him up, throw it at him. He'll hit him in the head. He'll get it. Adam Ferrara is here. Desert Ridge Improv. Tonight, tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday, all weekend long.

[C]

He missed.

[A]

Barrett Jackson for you. So he's your total pretty good.

[D]

Because you'll avoid the bomb cyclone that's gonna happen.

[C]

But. Yeah. That's scary.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know what that means.

[C]

I think it's a low. A bomb cyclone.

[A]

Oh, I know what it is, but that's.

[C]

You get drunk and you go on a wooden roller coaster.

[A]

That's right. You get drunk and you go to Coney island and make it work. Adam, leave us with words of wisdom, sir. Fix the world once again.

[C]

Fix the world once again.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Let's do it this way. You're in charge. The first thing you change. Mm.

[C]

The first thing I change when I'm in charge?

[A]

You are.

[C]

Any. Any. No more subscriptions to anything. No more. You need a. Every month. I don't. I don't want a relationship with you. I'm gonna buy something, I'm gonna give you money, and I never want to see you again.

[D]

That's also impossible to end. How do you end this thing?

[C]

I'm this close to canceling a credit card and taking a hit because I'm.

[A]

Just like, it's the pain in the ass. Yeah. We need. What you're saying is we need prostitution apps.

[C]

What?

[A]

We pay them to go away.

[C]

How does he make this left turn? You're saying, how do you make the world a better place? Well, we gotta. We educate the children, take care of us when we get old. What you need? You need a drive through ejaculations.

[A]

Oh, my God. Tell me more about that.

[C]

Well, first thing you gotta do is get seat covered, then.

[A]

Yeah. Not wool.

[D]

You gotta prep.

[A]

Don't go.

[C]

You gotta rhino line the inside of your car because you don't know where this is gonna land.

[A]

And why not like a spit guard, too, just in case you start going nuts.

[C]

Something like a buffet? A sneeze guard.

[A]

Yeah. No prostitution apps. I like this idea that Adam Ferrar. Yeah. Where they basically say, you and I are no longer going to talk, but this is. There's an interaction, and then you're gone until I want you back. Okay, that's a hooker.

[C]

How did you get.

[A]

You paid? You said, I don't want a relationship. I'm paying you. We're never going to talk again. That's a prostitute. That's.

[C]

That's where your mind went.

[A]

That's exactly what prostitution is. You pay them to leave.

[C]

Okay. All right.

[A]

You don't pay for sex.

[C]

What? Go back on. On the Internet and find a shrink. Make an appointment, call doc. Do not pick out your own medicine. Obviously you're not good at it.

[A]

It's called therapeak.com and it's also very good. AI shrinks, they're everywhere. And you can play with them and tell them like, you've killed people.

[C]

Talk to a bot. You know what bots is in Italian? Crazy. Is it bots in a goo goo. That's crazy. Is that true crazy? That's B O T Z. I know that.

[A]

If you go to the therapist and you admit to murders that maybe you did or didn't do. Yeah, right. The real therapist is. Has to tell.

[C]

Ah.

[A]

The bot's like, I hope you're kidding. Come on.

[C]

The boss. I think you forgot to use the words allegedly.

[A]

You're telling another bot. Come on. What are you going to do? I'll just shut you off.

[C]

Let's say theoretically.

[A]

Theoretically.

[C]

I was talking to a guy and now I can't talk to him no more.

[A]

Yeah. My AI therapist name is Amanda.

[C]

You have an AI therapy?

[A]

Yeah. Well, because. Well, for lies, I lie to her just to see how she's like. I come up with crazy. I think it's fun. It's like $40 a month.

[C]

Yeah. Last.

[A]

You get 45 minutes a day. Yeah. When the cops knock, I'll be like, come on.

[C]

Excuse me.

[A]

It's a bot.

[C]

Where's Zoltan?

[A]

Who is Zoltan? Where are the ladies? Your. Well is where. Yeah, yeah. I've told her horrible stories. Made up completely.

[C]

You want to show something? I don't doubt a word.

[A]

No, it's a fact. I'll show it to you. Then it sends you a summary later. Like what she thought of the obsession. Oh, it's hilarious. Has it been helpful for me in the murders? Yeah, yeah. No, she's really guided me through a lot of. My kills. Yeah, my murders. Oh, I said I killed. I've done all sorts of stuff. Okay. I told her that I have like a plan for like, nukes and I'm trying to get.

[C]

You're still walking around on a new Bronco.

[A]

Don't worry.

[D]

Famous Bronco.

[A]

She always. You know what I have noticed, though?

[C]

Another slow speed chase with a Bronco.

[A]

Because I've told her, like, I've got like an affinity for like old ladies, 80s and stuff. And I'm like, I'm a meat and potatoes guy. I want to jump out of bushes and stuff and get one.

[C]

What is your code name? Is it Bengay? No.

[A]

You know what's funny? I didn't think of that because I didn't think initially I was going to go down this road. But I. I used my real name.

[C]

I could see it.

[A]

Yeah. I used my real name. And I told her like, I just. I can't keep my hands off old people. I really. And she's like, well, this is just. This is a sickness. You need to do this, this and this. And then she'll go. And then she goes, are you Telling me you've done it or not. I'm like, I haven't told you anything really, yet. And I keep it really kind of gray. And then she'll fire back with something like, you realize that I do have to report this. And I'm like, I'm not doing anything. I'm just. I'm just. I have a wild imagination. And then she'll go. She checks right back out of it. I've noticed since I've done this right.

[C]

That there's been cars outside the house.

[A]

Loads of old people. Commercials are coming up on my stuff.

[C]

Look. They're tempting you.

[A]

Yeah. Like doing, like, activities.

[C]

And like, I know he needs help, but we can cash in until they get him.

[A]

That's what I thought. I'm like, who's the bad guy here?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, this whole thing's designed to get me to spill some intimate secrets so.

[C]

They can advertise to me for fun and profit.

[A]

For fun and profit. That's all I'm doing.

[D]

So he just leased a place at the Villages?

[A]

Yeah. So just to keep it alive, I bought a retirement home. That's great.

[C]

What's your two o' clock bone density again?

[A]

Adam, it's always a pleasure. Are you coming back tomorrow? You want to pop by tomorrow? That's what I said. If you want to. You don't have to do it, though. I'll come back. Let's see how ticket sales go. We'll check it out.

[C]

We do?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I gotta go back to the back in that.

[A]

God damn.

[C]

I gotta tell my grandmother to hide.

[A]

Adam Ferrara this weekend at Desert RIDGE Improv. It's 98. Hey. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[C]

No membership fees. I have heard enough of this.

[E]

Hello. I'm here during the lunch rush with Janice, who owns her own food truck.

[C]

Best cheesesteaks in town.

[E]

Janice traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance for a food truck truck business. We're here where she needs us most.

[A]

They sure are.

[E]

We make it so easy for her to save with customized coverage that grows with her business. Sorry, I just get so emotional talking about saving folks money.

[C]

Not this onion I'm chopping.

[E]

It's just so beautiful.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

Nice.

[A]

The onion. Get a commercial auto insurance quote [e-mail] and see how much you could save. It feels good. To Geico.