06-06-25 - Brian Simpson - Tempe Improv - In Studio

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
Episode: 06-06-25 - Brian Simpson at Tempe Improv
Release Date: June 6, 2025
Host/Author: 98KUPD | Hubbard Radio

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1. Introduction to the Episode

In this episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness, host John Holmberg and his co-hosts Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo welcome special guest Brian Simpson, a comedian from Tempe Improv. The episode delves into a range of topics, including disturbing internet videos, military experiences, personal stories related to 9/11, food safety, and the development of comedy.

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2. Discussing Disturbing Internet Content

The hosts kick off the conversation by addressing disturbing content commonly found on the internet, specifically referencing the infamous movie "Faces of Death."

• Brady Bogen introduces the topic:
  "You’ve been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He’s evil sitting right here." ([02:37])

• Dick Toledo responds with humor, downplaying the severity:
  "No, I'm not talking about a movie called Faces of Death." ([03:43])

• They describe a particularly gruesome scene involving the consumption of monkey brains:
  Brady: "They keep going. They keep going." ([05:58])

This segment highlights the hosts' fascination with the darker side of internet content and sets the tone for their candid discussions.

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3. Welcoming Brian Simpson to Tempe Improv

Brian Simpson is introduced as the guest performing at Tempe Improv. The hosts encourage listeners to attend his shows, emphasizing his unique comedic style.

• John Holmberg:
  "Next contestant is Brian Simpson. Come on down. We'll get him a bucket, too." ([02:56])

• Brady Bogen:
  "Brian Simpson's at the Tempe Improv tonight and tomorrow go to tempeimprov.com." ([27:38])

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4. Dick Toledo’s Military Journey and Discovery of Comedy

A significant portion of the episode focuses on Dick Toledo's experiences in the Marine Corps and how they shaped his career in comedy.

• Joining the Military:
  Dick Toledo:
  "I joined two months before 9/11." ([14:35])

• Facing Racial Tensions:
  Dick Toledo:
  "I was the first black person back in the unit. But no one told me this." ([22:16])

• Developing Comedy Skills:
  Dick Toledo:
  "The Marine Corps is what taught me that I was funny." ([21:49])

• Transition to Stand-Up Comedy:
  Dick Toledo:
  "And I sort of got away with saying a lot of things that other people couldn't say." ([23:42])

These insights reveal how military service provided Dick with unique experiences that he later transformed into comedic material.

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5. Personal Stories Surrounding 9/11

Both Dick Toledo and Brady Bogen share their personal connections to the September 11 attacks, adding a poignant layer to the episode.

• Dick Toledo:
  "I was eating breakfast when 911 happened, and I was like, oh, man." ([20:08])

• Brady Bogen:
  "My wife was in the towers where it really made it out. And then we got divorced." ([25:15])

These narratives provide listeners with a deeper understanding of the hosts' backgrounds and the emotional impacts of historical events.

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6. Light-Hearted Banter on Relationships and Marriage

The conversation takes a humorous turn as the hosts discuss relationships, marriage, and the dynamics between partners.

• Dick Toledo:
  "Married people always sound just like cocaine addicts, you know?" ([27:19])

• Brady Bogen:
  "You need to take the trash out. You need to be a little bit more diligent about cleaning the bathroom. Otherwise, you're going to hear about Osama." ([25:59])

This segment showcases the hosts' ability to blend humor with relatable everyday topics.

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7. Food Safety and Health Tips

In an unexpected yet informative segment, the hosts delve into food safety, sharing practical tips and personal experiences.

• Dick Toledo on Excedrin Spoilage:
  "If your Excedrin smells like vinegar, don't. It's bad. Don't use it." ([28:35])

• Discussion on Rice and Pasta Safety:
  Dick Toledo:
  "Cooked rice and pasta left out can harbor harmful bacteria. It can kill you." ([30:08])

• Brady Bogen:
  "Wait a minute. What is this? Personal experience." ([28:16])

These conversations aim to educate listeners on the importance of proper food storage and medication safety.

---

8. Final Words of Wisdom and Closing Remarks

As the episode draws to a close, the hosts offer final thoughts and humorous observations, reinforcing the camaraderie among them.

• Dick Toledo’s Advice:
  "If your Excedrin smells like vinegar, don't. It's bad. Don't use it." ([28:35])

• Brady Bogen:
  "Brian Simpson killed me. That's what happened." ([30:51])

The closing remarks leave listeners with a mix of practical advice and light-hearted humor, encapsulating the show's unique blend of topics.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Brady Bogen ([02:37]):
  "You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here."

• Dick Toledo ([03:43]):
  "No, I'm not talking about a movie called Faces of Death."

• Brady Bogen ([05:58]):
  "They keep going. They keep going."

• Dick Toledo ([22:16]):
  "I was the first black person back in the unit. But no one told me this."

• Dick Toledo ([23:42]):
  "And I sort of got away with saying a lot of things that other people couldn't say."

• Dick Toledo ([28:35]):
  "If your Excedrin smells like vinegar, don't. It's bad. Don't use it."

---

Conclusion

This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness offers a rich tapestry of discussions ranging from the macabre aspects of internet content to deeply personal military experiences and practical health tips. With the engaging presence of Brian Simpson, listeners are treated to a blend of humor, storytelling, and insightful conversations that cater to a diverse audience.

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Tune in or visit 98KUPD weekdays from 5:30 AM to 10 AM or access the show via the 98KUPD app.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

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[Brady]

It's John Holmberg here, shilling away from my friends at New Vision Auto Glass.

[John Holmberg]

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[Brady]

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[Brian Simpson]

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[Brady]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here. Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. Come on. It's the blind right there. Santeria. I'm getting so many emails from people saying, please send me the video. I'm like, absolutely not happening. And then somebody had a great line like, you know, Doug Hopkins will buy that house as is. And I bet you. I bet you. I mean, think about it. I've got this rental property here in Scottsdale. That could happen in there. What do you do? I mean, yeah, you're just out of control. But they walk amongst us. As I always say, this would be.

[John Holmberg]

The one time that Doug hands you the five grand. You know what? I can't do this here.

[Brady]

You're at a grocery store, you're. Yeah, he might just hand it over. I don't know what you two did in here, but it smells like Brady's dairy farm. Like. I don't know. Yeah, they're at the grocery store, at the drugstore. They're out at the gas station. People who like that kind of stuff.

[John Holmberg]

They'Re out there serving you your raising canes.

[Brady]

Serving you. Yeah, serving you your chicken. Serving you, you know, at the candy store, digging their hands into stuff. Grilled cheese at Brady's. McDonald's. We've eaten a lot of that.

[John Holmberg]

But Brian wants to see it.

[Brady]

Oh, he does?

[John Holmberg]

He does.

[Brady]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I said. I go, you don't want to see his.

[Brady]

No, I'll check it out. Next contestant is Brian Simpson. Come on down. We'll get him a bucket, too.

[Brian Simpson]

Did he bring it up?

[Brady]

Did. Yeah. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Well, they were asking us about the video. When I went there, talked to Brad, he was asking us about the videos, and he's like, what was today's? And I told him about it.

[Brady]

Brutal. All right, Brian Simpson's going to be here. I believe he's at 10pm prom. He's a desert ridge. He's. We'll find out exactly where. We'll talk to Brian Simpson next after he watches that horrific nightmare of humanity. And that's next. It's 98 Morning Sickness.

[Dick Toledo]

98K.

[Brady]

You P D H. Morning sickness. Hold on. You can't react like that. Brian Simpson is here. He's at the 10pm PR we're talking about Faces of death. And right before we go in, there goes. That wasn't that bad. We're. That the monkey scene in that movie was horrific. You didn't. That didn't bother you?

[Dick Toledo]

No, I'm not talking about a movie called Faces of death.

[Brady]

Oh. I'm talking about on the Internet.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

You know, did you ever see the movie faces of Death?

[Dick Toledo]

No.

[Brady]

There's a scene where they, like, these people are having dinner, and then in the middle of the table, beautiful, cute little monkey's head pops up, and all the. All the people just take hammers and just Start, like, whacking it lightly, get to the brain, and then it gets, like, dazed and messed up, and then they eat the brain.

[Dick Toledo]

It's like a delicacy.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, but I don't. I think that was.

[Brady]

Bray didn't like anything.

[Dick Toledo]

I mean, I don't think you can judge. So you know how that brain tastes.

[Brady]

Yeah. Would you try brain? I mean, but if you had to.

[Dick Toledo]

Get it yourself, you would have to. I would have to taste it before I knew it.

[Brady]

Yeah, exactly. Before you go cracking skulls.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

You got to have a little nibble.

[Dick Toledo]

Anywhere close to how bacon tastes, I would be crushing monkeys.

[Brady]

But if we had any knowledge that monkey brain tasted like bacon, we'd be eating.

[Dick Toledo]

We'd be loads of money.

[Brady]

So it must not taste right, because.

[Dick Toledo]

If you actually describe what we do.

[Brady]

To other animals, you're right. Oh, yeah. It's not good. I just found out a few years ago that some of that words for meat in Spanish is face.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah.

[Brady]

Barbacoa is cow face.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, yeah.

[Brady]

I didn't know that. I've had it. I can't.

[Dick Toledo]

Like lingua's tongue. Right.

[Brady]

Yeah. And then. Yeah, I think you can see that. But before we show you the video, because you said you wanted to see the thing and you did. You even growing up on the Internet, you just have to realize that these people are out there amongst us. Never, ever touch a handrail again. I'm going to tell you, going into this, you're never going to touch a handrail again.

[Dick Toledo]

Come on.

[Brady]

You're not going to want to shake hands. We shook hands when we said, hello, Brian, there's no possible way we're shaking hands when you leave.

[Dick Toledo]

I thought y' all was made of tougher stuff.

[Brady]

All right, well, you're a military man. You're a military man, so you've seen some things we haven't, but. Brett, roll. So. Yeah, rolled. Roll. Let's. Brian's at the Tempe Improv. I'll tell you that before. And he ain't shaking your hand anymore.

[Dick Toledo]

Here we go.

[Brady]

It's. Oh, God. Just wait. We were made a tougher stuff. Here goes. Wait for the slow mo part. The little one is taking a beating right here, Brian. Right? That's all right here. We're. We're back. Don't do it again, though. And here's the slow mo part.

[Dick Toledo]

That is an old.

[Brian Simpson]

Wait for here.

[Brady]

This is the part.

[Dick Toledo]

Vesuvius.

[Brady]

It's horrific, man. And they don't stop. They keep going.

[Dick Toledo]

What, you need a bucket this. This has nothing to do with their hands.

[Brady]

It will eventually. Their hands are eventually going to get invol. It is more fun to watch. Like, I.

[John Holmberg]

That's why I've been laughing the whole.

[Brady]

Time Brett was dying at me. I was, are you all right? You need a bucket? You need the trash can? All right, that one got me. And I got a tough stomach. All right, I want to now apologize. Apologize that we're made a tougher stuff. You tell us you're sorry that we're soft. Yeah, we're not soft. You didn't make it through the first second without reacting.

[Dick Toledo]

I'll say. I'll say. That's about it. Seven out of ten.

[Brady]

You think?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Cuz, I mean, you remember you got the two girls one cup.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And I think that kind of set the standard.

[Brady]

It did. Yeah. It set the bar high on poop videos.

[Dick Toledo]

But that.

[Brady]

That's up there. I. I give that at least an eight.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Brady]

Because the eruption is.

[Dick Toledo]

You're not expecting. You're not expecting the.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

The explosion.

[Brady]

But much like monkey brains, though. What if. It felt great?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, it felt like bacon.

[Brady]

It felt like bacon.

[Brian Simpson]

Taste eight satans as well.

[Dick Toledo]

What I just don't understand is how do you even. How do you. Because. Because I'm gonna be honest with you. The worst part was the sec. Was the.

[Brady]

The second. Yeah.

[Brian Simpson]

And the volume is just.

[Brady]

Yeah. The guy's unbelievable.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. And it's like. It's like, is. Was that part of the fact? Like, like, was that part of the fetish or did they both just go, you know what?

[Brady]

Let loose.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Like, we don't need to show. Is that.

[Brian Simpson]

And I think they switched it out. I think that guy on the.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Because he was first. Yeah, he looked. He was first.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

There was a lot going on, and I think when that happens, you just kind of either go, okay, get up and get in the shower, or you're like, it's okay. Just keep going.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, I mean, by the time your. Your butthole's erupting, you way past the shower.

[Brady]

Yeah. You kind of tend to be past.

[Dick Toledo]

That because it looked like they. They purposely ate a certain diet to get. Yeah.

[Brady]

XX and Taco Bell and like, let's go.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Because how do you even get to that? How do you even get through that?

[Brady]

No, to me, if that's happening to me without a guy on top of me, I know. I'm sick. Like, something where if that's coming out of me, I'm like, oh, I'm sick. I'M probably contagious. I shouldn't be. And he's like, no, I don't like Covid. These dudes didn't wear masks. Those two dudes were not buckled down with the six foot rule. That is not a thing.

[Dick Toledo]

Because how do you even meet somebody? That's. How do you even know?

[Brady]

Right. And you got to find out. You can't even breach it in the Internet. I think the Internet, what.

[Dick Toledo]

On what date do you have to tell people that you're into. That's your thing, right?

[Brian Simpson]

I want to hear that discussion going back and forth. You into that?

[Brady]

I'll be honest with you. I don't think you tell them till you do it. I don't think it's really. I think you just. You're going at it.

[Dick Toledo]

You just. You just. Amber heard them.

[Brady]

Yeah, you do keep right on.

[Dick Toledo]

Just ruin a duvet. Yeah. And hope they forgive you.

[Brady]

And then she goes, I'm so glad you did that. I've been waiting to do that too.

[Dick Toledo]

I didn't see. I didn't see any plastic.

[Brady]

No. Well, that's the thing. Afterwards, there's laundry. That's got to be done. There's a shower. There's. You got to be careful. Walk into the bathroom, you're going to get it on the carpet. You got. And then these people touch handrails and elevator buttons.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, that's what I was saying. It didn't look like their hands were involved.

[Brady]

But eventually it's got.

[Dick Toledo]

It had to be.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

At one point, you can't just stand in the shower and let that rinse off.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I got to turn the shower knob on. You move the curtains out of the.

[Brady]

Way or the door.

[Brian Simpson]

Besides tracing three rooms to get to the bathroom before you even get there.

[Dick Toledo]

Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but this is why every place. Place I live, there's. I make sure that the shower has one of those handles where you can point it at stuff.

[Brady]

Oh, get down underneath.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Cause you can't get. You can't get to that from an overhead drip. You have to be able to move the wand.

[John Holmberg]

Rain shower's not gonna do it.

[Dick Toledo]

You gotta direct the water.

[Brian Simpson]

The hand bidet.

[Dick Toledo]

Right.

[Brady]

I've always had a theory that that kind of stuff is why grandma had plastic on the furniture and like runners all the way to the basket. Like, don't get any of that on the carpet, Bill. You know, that kind of stuff happened to grandma.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, that's.

[Brady]

Yeah. So there you go.

[Dick Toledo]

So. So wait a minute. So what's how did this begin? Because did. I didn't. We didn't do this last time I was in. No, no, no, no.

[Brady]

Okay. Yeah. This has evolved. We used to just have, like, a cute thing called Brady's videos. Brady videos. And then, like, a funny video, and I play by play and whatever. And then they started getting progressively darker, and then Brett had a guy start emailing him some terrible stuff, and we put a couple up there, and then it's just gone to, like. This is. We're in the middle. This is probably the middle of what will eventually turn this whole thing off.

[Dick Toledo]

Y' all are really learning some things.

[Brady]

Yes. Rosebuds. I don't know if you know about that rosebud. It's two days in a row.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I need to find. Give me a minute.

[Dick Toledo]

I gotta find. I don't need. I don't need extra stuff.

[Brady]

Rosebuds are when you prolapse, okay. It's not terrible until dudes start playing with it.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, but is it. So when that. Once that finally happens, aren't your. Aren't your. Your gay play days over?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brian Simpson]

Like, you outplayed yourself.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Like, you went.

[Brady]

Surprisingly. No.

[Dick Toledo]

You flew too close to the sun.

[Brady]

Like, you can get new equipment. You went full Apollo on that.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

You can't do that, man. You're gonna get torched.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. This is so. So. So is. Is it always gay stuff?

[Brady]

No. God, no. Unless you want it to be. What are you doing later?

[Dick Toledo]

But what's the darkest? What's the worst. The worst one.

[Brady]

There's nothing. There's. There's a few. Just strange.

[Brian Simpson]

Some that you just show me.

[Dick Toledo]

The worst one.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, give me a few minutes.

[Brady]

A lot of them.

[Brian Simpson]

The worst ones are. Are death.

[Brady]

Well, it's all subjective because the death ones don't bother me at all. The nails in the penis and like.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, no. Okay.

[Brady]

That kind of stuff. I don't want to watch that. And dudes. And I brought it up this morning. Dudes can stay erect. And that's just. How do you find that out?

[Dick Toledo]

Well, you know, that's how I. Whenever one of my female friends or women in my. In my life or my family want to know, like, if a dude seems okay, I'm like the barometer.

[Brady]

Right, Right.

[Dick Toledo]

And I always tell them, show them a video of somebody's penis being harmed. And if they don't react, they lack empathy. Every. Any real man with any empathy.

[Brady]

It hurts you to watch that.

[Dick Toledo]

Right. He doesn't do that reaction. That man's a serial killer.

[Brady]

Yeah. If he just stares at something missing. You're right. That's a great way to, like, introduce people to the family.

[Dick Toledo]

That's the first thing I do. Oh, you got a new boyfriend. Look at this boy.

[Brady]

Hey, you gotta teach him, man. You gotta. You gotta keep him around. That's your sister, for crying out.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, most. Most fathers come to the door with a gun.

[Brady]

He's got a video if you ever heard my daughter.

[Dick Toledo]

I just show him a video of me getting kicked in the penis.

[Brady]

Just bother you, young man. Seems all right. Brian Simpson, the Tempe Improv Tonight, tomorrow, and Saturday if you want to go. Tempeimprov.com outside of all this, what's going on in your world? How you been?

[Dick Toledo]

Well, tomorrow is Saturday.

[Brady]

That's. What? Did I say tonight? Tomorrow. Oh, it said Thursday. I looked at it three. There's three days, so I got excited. So you're not Sunday. Just tonight and tomorrow. Okay, that's it. Since I was lying, tomorrow is your last day, and then you're out of dodge. You're not doing Sunday. You don't do that?

[Dick Toledo]

No, I don't do Sunday.

[Brady]

No. Why would church? You're too successful.

[Dick Toledo]

That's for the Lord.

[Brady]

It's for the Lord. And it's for the beginners.

[Dick Toledo]

Right, right.

[Brady]

Sundays, you did Thursday, which surprises me.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, they made me do it.

[Brady]

Yeah, he got it forced into that. It happened.

[Dick Toledo]

No, because I like. I like being in Phoenix. So Thursday is a good excuse to, like, go do stuff.

[Brady]

What do you like to do here when you're here?

[Dick Toledo]

You know, eat.

[Brady]

Oh, okay. They don't have food in the other places you go.

[Dick Toledo]

No, that's good restaurant, but that's good. You like good restaurants? I like the weather.

[Brady]

Yeah. You like hot.

[Dick Toledo]

I like this time of year before.

[Brady]

Just before it gets off.

[Dick Toledo]

Right, right.

[Brady]

When you were in the military, did you. Did you go overseas?

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, yeah.

[Brady]

Did you fight?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

You were in the mess, right?

[Dick Toledo]

No, no, no, no. I was a nerd. I was a technician.

[Brady]

Oh, okay.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, yeah. No, no, I don't get in the mess. I'm too smart for that.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

I leave that for the heroes.

[Brady]

Because I remember I watched her years ago, especially. You said that 911 was your 911 because you didn't join to fight.

[Dick Toledo]

No.

[Brady]

You want to go to school and then. And you joined, like, two months before.

[Dick Toledo]

I joined Two months before. And then. And then I joined two. I joined. No, no, I joined the month I was running, March of 2001. So maybe was that six months?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brian Simpson]

Six months.

[Dick Toledo]

And, and, and I, and I did all that to go to college.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And the irony is I dropped out of college to do comedy.

[Brady]

Is that right?

[Dick Toledo]

So I basically went to the military. For no reason.

[Brady]

For no reason. And you. And did you like it?

[Dick Toledo]

No, it was terrible.

[Brady]

Did you encourage other people to join.

[Dick Toledo]

If you got, if you ain't. Yeah, if you have no direction, yeah, it helps. And you had no plan, like. Because what made me join was my uncle asked me. He was like, what do you see yourself in five years? And I, and I realized I'd never even thought that far ahead.

[Brady]

Like five years was like, probably right here.

[Dick Toledo]

And he's like, just join the military till you figure it out, you know?

[Brady]

How old were you?

[Dick Toledo]

I was 17.

[Brady]

Oh, that's too soon. You didn't need to worry about how well you're going to be in 23.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, but the, but the writing was on the wall. You know, a lot of people, they won't admit that their son is a loser until they're doing loser things. But my family though.

[Brady]

What were you doing?

[Dick Toledo]

Like, well, you gotta go do something.

[Brady]

What were you up to that were like, we gotta get him out of here.

[Dick Toledo]

I was just, I just got caught. I just got caught with weed. Like I had like a, like possession charge and it was like my first time getting in trouble and was like. And they picked me up. He was the one that picked me up from jail.

[Brady]

Your dad?

[Dick Toledo]

No, my uncle.

[Brady]

Your uncle?

[Dick Toledo]

No, my dad is cold blooded, like picking your ass up sitting there.

[Brady]

We left you there. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm not taking off work.

[Brady]

You did this?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Figure it out.

[Dick Toledo]

I wasn't selling weed. I was just playing basketball with weed in my pocket. Oh yeah?

[Brady]

Well, who, who ratted that out?

[Dick Toledo]

Nah, it's just sometimes, you know where I live, sometimes the cops would just.

[Brady]

Mess with you while you're playing basketball.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, basically they would pull up, they would pull up to the court and everybody would run. And if you didn't get away, you.

[Brady]

Were the one going in.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Oh, that stinks. Morning sickness medicate, can't you on pd?

[Doug Hopkins]

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[Brady]

It's John Holmberg here and it's time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of My Home Group and Doug Hopkins dot com. He knows this market up and down and his message is simple and straightforward. He wants to buy your house for cash as is. No repairs or upgrades and a firm final offer with no chance of canceling. If he moves it at all, you get $5,000. So while the other guys come and go, Doug Hopkins is here to stay. Sell your home right now and start the entire process online@doug hopkins.com or sing. Call Doug Hopkins 1-800-channel now.

[John Holmberg]

Hey Byron. I heard you have something new to announce from MMP Guns, Brett.

[Brett]

I sure do. It's M and P Guns Customs M and P Guns is creating some amazing firearms. We offer polishing, plating, bluing, custom laser engraving, laser stippling, cerakoting and performance upgrades. We do everything in house with our master trained craftsmen. You can select our designs or make up your own.

[John Holmberg]

Well, can you do this to my gun?

[Brett]

We can do it to nearly any firearm. Doesn't matter where you live, you can ship it to us or we already have completed firearms in inventory daily with no wait.

[John Holmberg]

Well, there you have MMP guns on the northeast corner of 12th street and Indian School or online at mmpgunscustoms.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[Brady]

Yeah, that didn't happen. I never had that happen.

[Brian Simpson]

But that's amazing. You think that's how? Like knowing that.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Right.

[Brian Simpson]

You still went there.

[Brady]

Stinks. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

You know, didn't happen every day. And when it really happened, they never caught me.

[Brady]

Yeah, you always.

[Brian Simpson]

But you're still rolling the dice no matter what. And we, we all went, man.

[Brady]

But that day, you were the slowest one that Day.

[Dick Toledo]

I was the slowest. No, actually, you. Funny. I wasn't the slowest one. I. I guess I kind of was, but I ran. I was. It was a couple of people that I didn't know, and when I ran in that direction, they. They. I followed them and they. And they ran into their house, but they wouldn't let me in.

[Brady]

Oh. What?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Oh. So I had to just. I had to just eat it.

[Brady]

Just eat that one. Yeah. So then you found out. So your whole family's like, this is. You're going to start having this happen more often and get you into a uniform.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't think there was. I don't think it was that. I think it was just more like I was just. Just directionless.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

You know, and it was. Coming up on that time, I was.

[Brady]

Like, man, so you did it in March of 2001.

[Dick Toledo]

March of 2001.

[Brady]

Yeah. And then it just goes haywire, Right.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Yeah. I was eating breakfast when 911 happened, and I was like, oh, man. You know, when we. That was again, because people. People do the same thing with.

[Brian Simpson]

And where were you? What?

[Dick Toledo]

I was at the mess hall.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

I was in. I was in 29 Palms for school.

[Brian Simpson]

Okay.

[Dick Toledo]

And I remember, like, people treat 911 just like. Like Covid. Like, we. People forget how they. Like how we didn't know anything.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And we. There was no. It wasn't political yet. And everyone was just afraid. Oh, no. This is World War Three.

[Brady]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And it was like. And I remember having a very arrogant attitude about it, like, who has the stone.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

To attack the United States.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

It was. My plans were falling apart in front of me because that's how I justified. I was like, we're not gonna go to war. No. But nobody has the balls to attack us.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Just like. And I'm not gonna join. I'm not gonna be in the front line, so I'm not gonna be in any of these clandestine.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Activity in Nicaragua.

[Brady]

Right.

[Dick Toledo]

So. But then I was so wrong. So wrong.

[Brady]

How fast. Until you. We went somewhere.

[Dick Toledo]

So I didn't go anywhere until 2003.

[Brady]

Oh, okay. So you had to, like, kind of sweat it out for a.

[Dick Toledo]

Because, remember, we. We. We went to Afghanistan first.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

So I wasn't part of that. I was still in school.

[Brady]

Right.

[Dick Toledo]

And then I was in. I was part of the group that was sitting in Kuwait waiting for George Bush to decide whether we were going to invade.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

So you're just sitting there, and I.

[Dick Toledo]

Still was in denial.

[Brady]

I bet we're not doing this.

[Dick Toledo]

I bet a dude a hundred dollars, which was a lot of money to me then.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Which I still haven't paid him. And I'm. You know, he won't hear this, but I was so confident that we wouldn't go. I was like, he's not gonna go. He's not gonna me tell do it.

[Brady]

And he did it, and we ain't. And then how long were you there?

[Dick Toledo]

I think the first time, it was eight months, and the second time was, I think, 11 months, but I don't remember exactly.

[Brady]

Yeah. And then he just. He came back, said, I'll just do comedy.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, yeah. Well, they were asking for volunteers for the third time. And I remember trying to tell the young Marines. I was like, you don't want to go. But every. But everybody. Everybody wants glory. None of them listen to me.

[Brady]

They all went, yep.

[Dick Toledo]

I was like, I'm good. And then I end up having to go anyway.

[Brady]

Oh, you ended up going a third time?

[Dick Toledo]

No, no, no. That was the second time.

[Brady]

Oh, okay.

[Dick Toledo]

I was going to say I ended up having to go anyway when I didn't want to go.

[Brady]

Nightmare.

[Dick Toledo]

Nightmare. But the Marine Corps is what taught me that I was funny.

[Brady]

It is?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

You learned. You didn't know you were funny before that?

[Dick Toledo]

I didn't.

[Brady]

How'd that happen?

[Dick Toledo]

Because I was. I was a foster kid. You know, I was bouncing around, and it wasn't until I. When I joined the Marine Corps, and. And it was a weird situation because the unit I went to, they had just had, like, a racial incident, and they took people. They took all of the people involved out of the unit and all the black people out of the unit. And I was the first black person back in the unit. But no one told me this.

[Brady]

They put you back in as, like, the test black?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, like the canary in the coal mine.

[Brady]

Oh, my God.

[Dick Toledo]

And no. And no one told me. And then one day, like, after, like, a month of me being there, the commander calls me back in, and he's like. He's like, hey, so, Simpson, how you feeling? Which was already a red flag. No one cares how you feel.

[Brady]

Right?

[Dick Toledo]

He's like, how do you feel? And I was like, what? I don't understand the question, sir. He's like, relax. I'm like, oh, no. What's going on here?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And they were just testing, like, so is anything strange happening? And I was like, you know what? Actually, it does feel like everyone's kind of walking on eggshells. Like, you know, I walk in the room to hushed whispers and people change the subject. But I just. I just feel like maybe I'm just new here and I'm an outsider. He was like. And he told me what happened. I was like, like, oh, man. And. And my instinct was like, get me out of here. I don't want to be. Yeah, but San Diego was the only nice place you could go. Tolerate the racism, go with my job. And so. And so anyway, I ended up just being like. Because you can't really work if people don't trust you. And I'm just like, hey, man, I tell you what. You say whatever you want to say, and I'm gonna say whatever I want to say, you know? And they let fly, and I'm. I talk better. You know, Talking is my thing. So you're not going to do. You can't hurt my feelings. Yeah, I'll hurt your feelings back.

[Brady]

Right.

[Dick Toledo]

You know, and it's so. It turned into that. And so I sort of. I sort of got away with saying a lot of things that other people couldn't say.

[Brady]

You sort of won them over.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

And by allowing them.

[Dick Toledo]

And so when. When people would, like, want to complain and they couldn't, I would be the one to be like, this is how everybody feels because this is bf. And it was. It would get laughs. Oh, you know, And I was like, I'm just telling the truth. I wasn't trying to be funny.

[Brady]

Right.

[Dick Toledo]

Complaining.

[Brady]

Yeah. And people are laughing at your. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And what? Other people would get in trouble. They would be like, that's just Simpson, you know.

[Brady]

Yeah. So you kind of earned it.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. And I would. And so. And then it turned and everyone kept pushing me. You should do stand up. I was like, all right, well, I'll give it a try one of these days.

[Brady]

But pretty suggestible. Your uncle says, join the military. You do it. Some guy says, you should do stand up. You're standing on a stage.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, yeah. Well, all those things happen. Yeah. The stand up thing didn't happen till2011.

[Brady]

No kidding. So you've been at it even 10, 15 years.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

How about that? And it stuck.

[Dick Toledo]

It stuck. Oh, yeah. I could never. Once I got paid for this, I.

[Brady]

Could never go back to doing something else.

[Dick Toledo]

Somebody handed me 20 bucks one day, and I was like, oh, man. So if I could get this 20 bucks up to, like, 100 bucks.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

I could survive off just this.

[Brady]

Yeah. Just standing there telling stories.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

That's a good way to live.

[Dick Toledo]

It's a great way.

[Brady]

I mean, and I like you because you'll just have. The audience will just throw topics at you.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, yeah, we do that.

[Brady]

I think it's great.

[Dick Toledo]

We call it bottom of the barrel.

[Brady]

Yeah. Yeah. And they'll just throw stuff at you. Most of them. Like, they come prepared with nothing. Like they just throw nonsense.

[Dick Toledo]

A lot of his nonsense. But there's some gems in the bucket.

[Brady]

Yeah. No, I've. I've watched you for a while. It's been awesome. So I'm glad to see. That's great. What a story. I had no idea. I thought you just joined. Went to the thing, got the hell out of there. But it's just. I didn't realize that you were the. Yeah. The canary in the coal mine till the book comes. You're gonna write a book?

[Dick Toledo]

I'm writing a book right now. Really?

[Brady]

About your whole situation.

[Dick Toledo]

About. Yeah.

[Brady]

Because my 911 was 911 because my wife was in the towers where it really made it out. And then we got divorced. I had to buy my own house. So I kind of. I root for 911 in a different way.

[Dick Toledo]

She made it out of the tower.

[Brady]

Yeah, unfortunately. And then. Yeah. And then we got.

[Brian Simpson]

You know, we were on the air.

[Brady]

Yeah, we were on the air that morning. What?

[Dick Toledo]

And did it. I bet that made her ego go through the roof.

[Brady]

She got a little cocky. She came back a little cocky. I'm like. I was arrogant.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. You can't get. You can't give your wife that kind of ammo every time you get an argument. I made it out of the tower.

[Brady]

The 911 came up a lot.

[Dick Toledo]

Right.

[Brady]

It started to be an argument winner. Yeah. That is an ace.

[Dick Toledo]

I didn't. I didn't surf on a slab of concrete to the ground for you to not pick up your socks.

[Brady]

Yeah. You need to take the trash out. You need to be a little bit more diligent about cleaning the bathroom. Otherwise you're going to hear about Osama.

[Dick Toledo]

You know what, honey? I need you to get out of the house. Kind of like I got out of this house fast. Yeah, I could imagine.

[Brady]

Yeah. So we both relate to 911 not being what we wanted to be.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You can't. You. Your wife can't ever be more heroic than you.

[Brady]

No, you can't. But.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, it's over.

[Brady]

You can't. I. I think you have to have better stories than her.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, yeah.

[Brady]

In almost every category.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

And she's. That's. I mean, you can't win that.

[Dick Toledo]

You can. You can upgrade in status, but your wife can't, like, over you. Like, have you ever noticed that every time, like, a woman goes viral and becomes, like a social media star and she's already married, she always gets divorced.

[Brady]

She leaves immediately. Right.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

You can find a guy with a better story than her.

[Dick Toledo]

Yep. You can have.

[Brady]

But they don't want to have a.

[Dick Toledo]

Better stories than your wife.

[Brady]

Yeah. You have to always, like, that's what, like the girl. The astronauts always marry each other.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. And yes. You have to tell a story better than your wife.

[Brady]

Oh, absolutely. Well, that's easy.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Because she wants to go, you know what, honey? You tell it better.

[Brady]

Yeah. And then they interrupt you the whole time anyway. Yeah. It's just. Are you married?

[Dick Toledo]

No. Never.

[Brady]

No. You're never gonna know because it's married.

[Dick Toledo]

You know what's so funny? Marriage. To me, it feels just like when I hear married people talk, they sound just like cocaine addicts, you know? Like every. Like, you know, even though it's like. Cause when I tell people that do cocaine that I don't do cocaine.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

It was like, hey, man, good for you. Like, stay away from this stuff.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Unless you have some. Right. And then married people are always the same way. When they find out I don't want to get married, they always go, oh, yeah, man, don't get married.

[Brady]

Good for you.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Cause your family sucks. Right? And they're like, no, no, no, no. My wife and kids are great. But, you know, it's just.

[Brian Simpson]

Don't get me wrong.

[Dick Toledo]

If you can avoid it.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

But also, do you have cocaine? Because this is stressful, you know?

[Brady]

Brian Simpson's at the Tempe Improv tonight and tomorrow go to Tempe improv.com. get your tickets, Brian, Leave us with words of wisdom. What do you got for the world? Solve every problem you can think of. Are you following the Elon Trump fight?

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, it's hilarious.

[Brady]

It's great, isn't it? Like, it's Real Housewives of the White House.

[Dick Toledo]

It's the best. It's because I know, and I knew it would happen. Too many egos.

[Brady]

You can't have two billionaires. It's the same thing. They're going to one up each other until they just hate each other.

[Dick Toledo]

But if I'm gonna leave your audience with words of wisdom, it'll be this. And this is just a lesson I learned the hard way. If your Excedrin smells like vinegar, don't. It's bad. Don't use it.

[Brady]

Wait a minute. What is this? Personal experience.

[Dick Toledo]

No. So you know those little cotton balls that Come in your bottle? Yeah. Leave those in there. Because if too much moisture get in there, it'll start to break down whatever the chemical is in it, and it starts smelling like vinegar.

[Brady]

Really?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. And if you smell. If you open up headache medicine and it smells like vinegar, it's bad.

[Brady]

That doesn't work for headache. What does it do?

[Dick Toledo]

It'll work a little, but it'll. It'll poison you. It's because it's turning into a different chemical.

[Brady]

It is?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Like, it won't kill you right away, but. But if you keep using the bottle.

[Brady]

It will eventually kill you.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Excedrin, I like. Without the cotton.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, without the cotton. Sometimes even with the cotton. If it's like. If you keep in your bathroom cabinet and all that moisture is kind of seeping in, it's the moisture that makes it happen.

[Brady]

No kidding.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. But I had. I used to deal with migraines for a long time, so I had a bunch of Excedrin, and I. And, you know, it's been gone for a couple years, but I had this giant bottle.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And I had a headache the other day, and I opened up, it smelled like vinegar. And I took it, you know, a couple. A few hours later. And I started feeling weird. And then. And. But I always. But I did wonder, why does it smell like vinegar? Weird. And I Googled it. It was like, don't eat. Don't really? Yeah.

[Brady]

Most people, when I ask that question, say something stupid. You just, like, literally help people with.

[Dick Toledo]

I gotta get the word. I got to get the word out.

[Brady]

You've saved lives.

[Brian Simpson]

How many bottles are being thrown out right now?

[Brady]

Chuck, the bottles.

[Dick Toledo]

Now. These guys, they might do something weird with it.

[Brady]

Yeah, I've had bottles. The butthole guys.

[John Holmberg]

Bailey sent some of the worst ones for us.

[Brady]

Vinegar is not the worst. I've opened bottles of aspirin, and it's all stuck together. See, I just close it and shake it until one comes loose.

[Dick Toledo]

You never Google what that means.

[Brady]

No, I don't care.

[Dick Toledo]

Okay. It might mean something.

[Brady]

It might.

[Dick Toledo]

It might.

[Brady]

But I'm still here.

[Dick Toledo]

Same thing with rice. You can't leave rice out. It'll. That will kill you.

[Brady]

What?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, if you eat. If you leave rice on the counter for, like, a day and then go back and have a bite.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

That's like cooked rice. Yeah. What? Yeah, that's right.

[Brian Simpson]

Pasta can do that.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, pasta can do that, too. It just kills you. There's a bacteria that grows in it when you leave it, and it can. It's poison.

[Brady]

That's not real.

[Dick Toledo]

That's real. Oh, yeah.

[Brady]

I want to test.

[John Holmberg]

I never heard that.

[Brady]

I'm gonna leave rice out.

[Dick Toledo]

I didn't learn. I didn't learn that the hard way.

[Brady]

You know, but it won't. But it will kill you. Or it could kill you.

[Dick Toledo]

So if the bacteria is in there, it will kill you.

[Brady]

You. Everybody's nodding. How am I this old and learning? That's right.

[John Holmberg]

I never knew that. This is brand new to me.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brady]

I mean, I like you guys.

[Dick Toledo]

All you got to do is put it.

[Brian Simpson]

We don't run into.

[Dick Toledo]

Put your food in the fridge.

[Brady]

Yeah, but I don't really walk up to food that's been sitting out for days.

[Brian Simpson]

If there's rice or noodles on my counter, it doesn't last.

[Brady]

Yeah, I was going to say you've never had a problem.

[Dick Toledo]

I think you grow. You grow out of leftovers. Especially when you don't have a wife anymore.

[Brian Simpson]

I don't. I'm not a big, huge left.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't do left. I don't. Because I stopped lying to myself. I put. I used to put stuff in the fridge.

[Brady]

Eat that later.

[Dick Toledo]

Like now I'm like, you gonna just throw that away?

[Brady]

Yeah, that's true. And I don't have rice laying around. All right. But I still want to try this. All right. I'm going to try that tonight. We'll see if I'm not here Monday. Brian Simpson killed me. That's what happened. It's good to see you, man. Thanks for coming in. It's 98 KUPD.

[Doug Hopkins]

Hey, it's not weird.

[Dick Toledo]

It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee.

[Brady]

I've heard enough of this.

[Dick Toledo]

Come on down to the Ranch House Grill. Comfort food is your next meal.

[Unknown]

Pork chili verde, chicken fried steak. Ranch House knows you'll think it's great. Are you ready for the best breakfast in Phoenix? Ranch House Grill has been voted best breakfast four years in a row. We're famous for our chicken fried steak, pork chili verde and large portions. Located in the heart of Arcadia. Join us for breakfast or lunch seven days a week, 6am to 2pm We're a family restaurant with a small town atmosphere serving southwestern comfort food for 18 years. Come on down to the Ranch House Grill for the best breakfast in Phoenix. At 56th street and Thomas Road.

[Doug Hopkins]

It sticks a little. For FanDuel, America's number one sports book right now. With FanDuel, you can make the smarter play with performance trends. You can get the latest stats right inside the app and see who's heating up. Get started today by visiting FanDuel.com KUPD and get started with 200 in bonus bets guaranteed when you place your first five dollar bet. Make every moment more with FanDuel, official sports betting partner of the NBA 21 plus and President Arizona first online real money wager only. Five dollar first deposit required. Bonus issue does not withdrawal. Bonus bets that expire seven days after receipt restrictions apply. See terms of sportsbook.fanduel.com gambling problem. Call 1-800-next-step or text next step to 533-42.

[Brady]

It's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness and it's time once again for this week's Pick of the Litter. Brought to you by the Our friends at Turf monsters. Go to turfmonstersaz.com they help us out at Lost Our Home Pet rescue. We appreciate them greatly. This week's Pick of the Litter is a project. It's Jep. He's a special project for that special someone. Jep is one of my projects. Let's get him a forever home. They'll waive the fees right now. It's this week. Pick of the Litter. It's Jeff. Check it out. Lost our home.org 98kupd.com.