10-17-25 - Ian Bagg - Tempe Improv - In Studio

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg's Morning Sickness – “Ian Bagg – Tempe Improv – In Studio” (10-17-25)

Main Theme & Purpose

Comedian Ian Bagg joins John Holmberg and the HMS morning crew (Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo) for a rambunctious, offbeat, and quick-witted studio hang. The episode is all about candid conversation, riffing on everything from marches and modern protests, colonoscopies, marriage, plumbing, dog fences, bidets, and peculiar life observations. Ian’s promotional stop for his show at the Tempe Improv quickly spirals into a blend of social commentary and outrageous comedic tangents.

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Ian Bagg Joins the Studio ([01:10])

• Introduction: Ian Bagg is celebrated as "Citizen Ian Bagg." The crew teases his Canadian heritage and presence in Arizona, noting his shows at the Tempe Improv.
• March Talk: The group riffs on protests and local marches disrupting traffic, with Ian joking about causing chaos and the evolution of protests.
  • Notable Quote:
    “I just want… I like the good old fashioned marches. If it doesn’t have a fire hose at the end, it just doesn’t count.”
    — John Holmberg ([02:19])
  • Protests Today: “These people… they’re just getting to the march, getting it done. I guarantee it’s over by noon.”
    — Ian Bagg ([02:45])
  • Playful riffing about whether it's an "anti-gay" march, followed by mock outrage and jokes about the show being “the EAB Network.”

---

Immigration Humor, Legal Status, and Current Events ([03:16])

• Ian Addresses His Canadian Roots: Jokes about being nervous around ICE, despite being legally in the U.S., and the stressful climate for immigrants.
  • “By trade, I’m a Canadian. I’m not saying where I’m from because I want to leave this place.”
    — Ian Bagg ([03:18])
  • Playful suspicion over Ian's pronunciation (“aboot”) and being a “boot” immigrant.
• Serious Note: Brief moments exploring the complexities of immigration and family separations, but quickly veers back to humor.

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The Abortion Clinic and Backyard Medical Procedures ([04:48])

• Satirical Banter: The crew launches into over-the-top jokes about Ian doing “a weekend of abortions” in Tempe, paralleling it to spay/neuter clinics; then riffing about “backyard colonoscopies.”
  • “Nobody does backyard colonoscopies. Great idea.”
    — Ian Bagg ([05:10])
  • John shares a bizarre Daily Show story about a man with homemade (rock) teeth ([05:36]).

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Colonoscopy Stories & Marriage Bits ([06:14])

• Colonoscopy Anecdotes: Ian recounts his friend Lisa's choice about anesthesia for her colonoscopy, her reaction to handsome doctors, and the weirdness of it all.
  • “A bunch of gorgeous guys—she didn’t want to get all fired up while they were checking her.”
    — Ian Bagg ([07:00])
• Marriage dynamics: Ian jokes that his wife planned a colonoscopy for their anniversary, sparking classic “anniversary procedures” humor.
  • “I give my wife’s anus three days rest a year.”
    — Ian Bagg ([08:36])

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Life as a Comedian’s Spouse ([09:11])

• Does His Wife Still Find Him Funny?
  • “My goal in life is to make her lose it.”
    — Ian Bagg ([09:17])
• Travel Stories: She rarely comes to shows unless it's a nice location (“Oh, you’re going to Hawaii—I’ll go to that one”).

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Comedy Competition: Touring Nightmares ([10:12])

• Garth Brooks and Jason Aldean Steal His Audience: Ian jokes about being overshadowed by major concerts when touring, especially in Des Moines.
  • “I’m just trying to grab 275 a show… four people that couldn't afford Garth Brooks tickets.”
    — Ian Bagg ([10:46])

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Baseball & Boobs: American Pastimes ([12:05])

• Baseball Boredom: Ian rails on baseball’s dullness, joking about the seventh-inning stretch as a medical necessity.
  • “It’s such a boring game—they make you stand up halfway through so you don’t get deep vein thrombosis.”
    — Ian Bagg ([12:42])
• Watching for “Boobies” in the Crowd: Halloween becomes “boobies” season, another opportunity for a classic Ian Bagg tangent.

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Kids, Careers, and Self-Awareness ([13:41])

• On Not Having Kids: Both Ian and his wife agreed not to have children—she works with kids, and he knew touring was “too self-centered” a career for parenthood.
  • “Chasing my dream was not good for having kids.”
    — Ian Bagg ([14:35])
  • “My dad didn’t take jobs out of town because he wanted to be there for us”—contrasting his own choices ([15:02]).

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Hotel Stories & “Ladies of the Night” ([15:32])

• Staying at a Sketchy Hotel: Ian notes the “hookers” leaving his hotel in the morning.
  • “Filled with hookers—and don’t get mad, I know they’re called ladies of the night, but it was morning.”
    — Ian Bagg ([15:53])
• Breakfast vs. Nighttime Hookers: More riffing on the difference between “ham and egg” and “steak and potatoes” sex workers.

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The Dog Fence Saga ([17:10])

• Replacing a Fence: Ian relays the absurdity of contractor quotes ($52,000 and $51,000) before finding a much cheaper deal.
  • “I must have had his buddy come over… $51,000. Looks like we’re selling the house.”
    — Ian Bagg ([17:44])
  • “It’s gonna cost me $14,000. Got another guy to come over. I just gave him a hug.” ([17:54])
• Fence and Dog Safety: His dogs—French bulldog and pitbull—necessitate actual repairs.

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Early Life & Comedy Genesis ([19:17])

• School Memories: Trying to make a classmate laugh in 4th grade (Shannon Butler).
  • “That’s when I spent the rest of the year trying to make her laugh.”
• Losing Virginity Story: Tells how, visiting Australia at 17, he lost his virginity to an Australian prostitute thanks to his cousin.
  • “That’s how I lost my turn to an Australian hooker—yeah, it was fantastic.”
    — Ian Bagg ([20:28])
• Late Bloomer: It took another four years before the next adventure.

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Plumbing, Poop, & Civic Infrastructure ([23:18])

• Plumbing Obsessions: Ian’s unusual interest in America’s plumbing, associating civic virtue with good infrastructure.
  • “If I’m not going once a day, I think something’s going on.”
    — Ian Bagg ([23:32])
  • “If you’ve got good plumbing, you probably got good leadership.”
    — John Holmberg ([23:54])
• Bad-Smelling Cities: Nashville, Philadelphia, Baltimore get ribbed for their “plumbing problems.”

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Modern Toilets & Bidet Technology ([29:02])

• Bidet Enthusiasm: The crew discusses the joys of Japanese toilets and smart bidets.
  • “It sings to you, and it lights up…”
    — John Holmberg ([29:18])
  • “Can you make… noises into it?”
    — Ian Bagg ([29:50])
• Home automation pranks and possible sound effects machine applications for future bidet experiences.

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Words of Wisdom & Emotional Honesty ([31:09])

• Inspired by Jimmy V (Jim Valvano) Foundation: Ian offers advice: Laugh, cry, and think every day.
  • “If you don’t cry at least once a week, there’s something wrong with you.”
    — Ian Bagg ([31:33])
• Personal Moment: Ian opens up about the recent passing of his mother, admitting he cried after realizing he hadn’t thought about her for a week.
  • “I was scared that I was forgetting my mom… I didn’t forget my mom. Right?”
    — Ian Bagg ([31:44])
• The show ends as the crew jokes about FCC fines due to accidental swearing—a classic, irreverent sign-off.

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Notable Quotes

• Ian Bagg:
  “Chasing my dream was not good for having kids.” ([14:35])
  “Filled with hookers—and don’t get mad, I know they’re called ladies of the night, but it was morning.” ([15:53])
  “If you don’t cry at least once a week, there’s something wrong with you.” ([31:33])
  “I was scared that I was forgetting my mom… I didn’t forget my mom. Right?” ([31:44])
• John Holmberg:
  “I like a lady who can handle a pop quiz colonoscopy.” ([07:19])
  “If you’ve got good plumbing, you probably got good leadership.” ([23:54])
  “It sings to you, and it lights up…” ([29:18])
• HMS Crew:
  “Was it something I said?” ([30:47])
  “We gotta have a march—it’s $14,000.” ([32:48])
  “I ruined it by swearing.” ([32:59])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:10 – Ian Bagg intro, Tempe Improv shows, and Minnesota/Canadian jokes
• 02:19 – Riffing on marches and local events disrupting traffic
• 03:18 – Canadian roots, immigration status
• 04:48 – Abortion and medical procedural humor
• 06:14 – Colonoscopy tales and relationship gags
• 09:11 – Marriage, humor, and traveling together (or not)
• 10:12 – Competing with Garth Brooks & concert nightmares
• 12:42 – Baseball’s dullness and “boobies” at the game
• 13:41 – On not having kids, selfishness of comedy
• 15:32 – Hotel stories, sex workers, and city character
• 17:10 – Fence saga, dog stories, and homeownership
• 19:17 – Early comedy motivations and coming-of-age tales
• 23:18 – Plumbing, infrastructure, and city complaints
• 29:02 – Bidet talk and the future of bathroom tech
• 31:09 – Advice: laugh, cry, think every day; tribute to his mom

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Tone & Style

The episode brims with raucous, edgy, and sometimes poignant humor. Ian Bagg’s dry, quick-witted Canadian sensibility meshes with the freewheeling, sarcastic energy of the HMS crew. Irreverence rules the day, but there is sincerity in moments of emotional vulnerability and admiration for life’s less-celebrated heroes (like plumbers). The show delivers both gut-busting laughter and rare candor about personal loss—all in a quintessentially “morning radio” package.

Perfect for listeners seeking:

• Comedian/host banter & riffing
• Behind-the-scenes glimpses into the life of a touring comic
• Outrageous, boundary-pushing humor
• The comedy of the everyday, from plumbing to marriage

Skip to [31:09] if you want to catch Ian’s unexpectedly heartfelt closing advice.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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[A]

That's not particle board. That's the sound of real wood. The kind of wood that makes your neighbors jealous and your projects legendary. Call Oliver Star with 84 Lumber at 480-236-5578 or oliverstarlumber.com locally grown, seriously sturdy. Hold on, Ian, here we go. Don't say horrible. We're talking about glass trails and habit trails and things like it happens. Ian, look at who's here. Ian Bag, everybody. Citizen Ian Bag. I'm just going to put it out there. Citizen Bag, we call him. Citizen Ian Bag is here.

[C]

Question 100.

[A]

He's at the 10pm Prof. Don't let his accent fool you. He's from Minnesota or something.

[C]

He's from Seattle.

[A]

He's here tonight at the 10pm for off and tomorrow as well.

[C]

I'm staying two days. You can't get rid of me.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

To go to the. The walk.

[A]

Well, anyways, you're going to do the Kings march.

[C]

No, I'm just going to go script traffic.

[A]

Just on your own.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, I heard. I heard somebody's all fired up at you.

[A]

Yeah, I got a guy mad at me because I said I don't want the Kings marches.

[C]

Just do one because 18.

[A]

Come on.

[C]

If you know how it works, everything has got to be a challenge now.

[A]

Yeah, that is true.

[C]

Can we make it bigger and bigger and bigger? I love it. It's going to be fantastic. And you, where are you going on a Saturday morning?

[A]

Anywhere I want. But now I can't.

[C]

I know where you live. You're not going to get involved in any traffic. Oh, I river over there. You guys go home and enjoy a prayer. How dare you road hogs. I was gonna go to PF Chang's at 9am and you guys with your loving, loving, your loving ways.

[A]

I just want. Well, I like the good old fashioned marches. If it doesn't have a fire hose at the end, it just doesn't count.

[C]

It's a good time.

[A]

That's when the fun.

[C]

If you don't wash your hippies.

[A]

Yeah. If you gotta wash a hippie, let's call it a hippie rock.

[C]

But the shame is it's just not hippies marching anymore because hippies used to make the, the marches slow and now.

[A]

They'Re, now they're charged up.

[C]

They got to get things done. These people, these people are. I guarantee it's over by noon because these people that go to these marches now are just, just getting, getting to the march, getting it done.

[A]

Letting people convenience. They're expediting the march. But do you think that a march. If it's.

[C]

So what's going on? Is it, is it anti gay?

[A]

No. Yes, it's an anti gay march. Finally. All queens.

[C]

No queens. No, they haven't. Don't be mad. We're just joking in here.

[A]

No, we're not. We mean it. I mean this, this, this, this is.

[C]

I had no idea. I got booked on Rush Limbaugh.

[A]

Welcome to the EAB Network, people.

[C]

Taking creds. Be right back.

[A]

Ian, you are a Canadian by trade.

[C]

By trade I'm a Canadian.

[A]

That's right. But an American in heart.

[C]

I may I. I'm not saying where I'm from because I want to leave this place.

[A]

Yeah. Do you get nervous? You said you little get nervous about ice?

[C]

I get nervous about ice.

[A]

If they showed up right now, would you go?

[C]

I'm completely. I would, I would, I would hide in here and.

[B]

Is that right?

[C]

No, I wouldn't hide in here. I'd. I, I am completely legal. But things, it's, it's nerve wracking. It's nerve wracking times out there.

[A]

But even for you.

[C]

Look at you guys. It's the most Arizona thing I've ever been in.

[A]

Well, are you legal? Yeah. I hear the whole aboot nonsense and I'm like, wait a tick, is he stealing our job?

[C]

I'm in. I'm in for the boot.

[A]

All right, sure, Z. I see three.

[C]

I'm just, I'm a, I'm an immigrant.

[A]

What?

[C]

I am. I'm married to an American girl. I've lived here for, I don't know, half my life.

[A]

And yet you still do you truly, honestly kind of like, oh, not real comfortable around this.

[C]

I Don't. I just don't think it's fun what's going on right now. I don't, I don't think, I don't think anybody should be thinking this is fun.

[A]

Only it's fun.

[C]

Yeah, some people are giggling. I don't, I don't think you should.

[A]

I think jump ropes and lollipops and hot air balloons. I don't think it's like a party, but.

[C]

Yeah, it's, it's not, it's not that. It's, you know. You know, I mean, it's just, it's just. I think there's simpler ways of doing. I don't, not upending families, but I'm not here for that.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[C]

Get me off this.

[A]

All right, all right. I've taken you down the ice road.

[C]

Let's talk about what, let's talk about.

[A]

What you asked me. Abortion. Let's talk about what you said you were here for, for your weekend of abortion.

[C]

I'm working as an abortion doctor this weekend.

[A]

You're doing a march. And it's like when they do a spay and neuter clinic, they just, you line up and one after another, just.

[C]

Just getting them done, getting in lines.

[A]

We're doing free ones out of my truck.

[C]

Love it.

[A]

No, the world is too screwed up that we.

[C]

Nobody does. Nobody does backyard colonoscopies. Great idea. It's just a guy that almost became a, a GI doctor doing them in his backyard. I would look at the dentist.

[A]

I would argue, yeah, oh, yeah, says.

[C]

The guy that's got no teeth.

[A]

The toothless man.

[C]

I would argue that you understand where that guy's at. Why? Because he had it done at the Home Depot. Just got a couple pickets in there.

[A]

I remember when the Daily show first started. I always talk about this guy. And they did a segment on regular Americans, and they found a guy in Montana who was afraid of dentists. But his hobby was rock polishing, and he combined the two by putting gluing and screwing rocks into his gums because he was a. The dentist would hurt him. So he had these rocks he'd painted white in his mouth as his teeth. He pulled all his teeth himself. And, like, it caused so much more problems than just going to the dentist because he went with sandstone. Yeah. Hillbilly Grill. But I would argue there are backyard colonoscopies, I think.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Over on 7th and Melrose here in town. I'm pretty sure that's going on a lot.

[C]

I, I, a friend of mine, our friend. Where Lisa she was telling us she stunning woman, tall, blonde, stunning girl. And when she was younger, she had to get a colonoscopy, but she had no health insurance, right? And she. They. They gave her the option, you know, gas or no gas, you know, like, are you gonna be awake for it? And she's like, you know, poor. She's younger and she's poor. So she goes, I'm no gas. I can't afford that. Right? She gets there, she sees all the doctors. She said, they're all handsome. She goes, yep. I gotta be knocked out for this just because they're gorgeous. Otherwise, it would have been a bunch of ugly guys. I'll stare at you right in the eye as you're looking in there. A bunch of gorgeous guys. She didn't.

[A]

She couldn't face the judge, right?

[C]

She didn't want to get all fired up while all the handsome guys were checking her.

[A]

A good woman would be prepared for that.

[C]

A good woman.

[A]

She would have been, okay.

[C]

I don't like marches, and I like good women.

[A]

I like a lady who's prepared and ready for that at any time.

[C]

I like a lady with a good set of hips on her.

[A]

I like a lady who can handle a pop quiz colostrum. Like one of those dudes. Like, it's like a big surprise. We're doing it now. And she's like, I'm ready.

[C]

Oh, you got it. You got to get knocked out for that. I don't care if you're a good woman or a bad woman or just a woman. Not even a woman.

[A]

Not even a woman. Just knock me out.

[C]

Got to be knocked out for that. Yeah. Somebody's gonna fill you up with air.

[A]

Thanks a lot.

[C]

Yeah. You're gonna hear the dings from the gas station, because it's a backyard thing. They are going in. We're able to take a look up there now.

[A]

Have you had one of those?

[C]

I have.

[A]

Have you?

[C]

I brought it up because my wife. It was our anniversary the other day. My wife plans her colonoscopy on my honor. I say birth my birthday on her anniversary, on our anniversary. I'm like, huh?

[A]

That's an interesting way to get around that.

[C]

I was like, I always wanted to try that area, but I had no idea that's how we were gonna do it.

[A]

Well, they say birthdays, New Year's, and anniversaries are when you're supposed to be back there. But she decided to let someone else.

[C]

We go, we go. We go the other 362 days.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Almost a Year.

[C]

Give her a couple. I give her a break on those things, you know? I mean, on those days, I give.

[A]

Her a break on those ones.

[C]

Come on. If you're shutting down because of this, that's the way you should be shutting down. This is a filthy show. We should shut this down. Not because the guy made. I don't like. I don't like people getting my traffic. How do you like your traffic without people walking in the streets? That's how like it.

[A]

And then you followed up with, I give my wife's anus three days rest a year.

[C]

Yeah, I let her break. I let her break for three days.

[A]

A year just clubbing me over the no Kings march in traffic.

[C]

Let's just.

[A]

Let's focus on what Ian. Bags.

[C]

And now. Is she a good woman?

[A]

She sounds like a wonderful woman.

[C]

She sounds a wonderful woman. Right there. That's a that. My friends. My friends. And. And I'm sure I'll tell her about this afterwards. She will not find it funny. I'll call her up. I guess we talked about you on the radio. Yeah, you better not talk about my again again today.

[A]

Now. Does she. How long you've been married?

[C]

14 years.

[A]

And she doesn't care about your job anymore at all?

[C]

No.

[A]

Are you still funny to her, do you think?

[C]

Every so often. I do. I do get her to lose it. Yeah. And it's my goal in life is to make her lose it.

[B]

Right?

[C]

Yeah. And. But most of the time, it's just.

[A]

Like, oh, my God, now you look at it.

[C]

Can you not say that? Is she my friends? She's hilarious.

[A]

Is she? That helps.

[C]

Dark. Really? Way more dark than I. And fast and sleuth. Just, you know, just like, bam. And then you're like 10 minutes later. Yeah, I got no legs. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I like that. But that's the thing about, like, after, like, the reason they liked you in the beginning.

[C]

Oh, my God, he's so funny.

[A]

And he's this. And then after a while, it's like they don't laugh anymore. Oh, yeah.

[C]

I love it when, if she comes to a show, which she barely ever does, unless it's involving some sort of body of water, like, she'll go. She'll go, oh, oh, you're going to Hawaii. I'll go to that one. I'm like, come on. Come on, girl. You go to Iowa. You want to be with this one. You got to deal with the bad places.

[A]

My weekend in Des Moines.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And oh, my God, that's a good weekend, you know, Garth Brooks once took me down there when I was in Des Moines.

[A]

Is that right?

[C]

He did, he did. So I did. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Well, Garthy, he decided to do Thursday, Friday, Saturday as well. And two shows a night. Garthy did. So he was doing over a million people a night basically because he was in a football stadium pumping them out. And I'm just trying to grab 275 a show and I'm just getting four people that couldn't afford Dart Brooks tickets. Right. And the traffic was horrible. So nobody wanted to come in that area.

[A]

Right?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then recently I think Jason Aldean I think did it to me not too long ago.

[A]

Is that right? They show up when you're in town?

[C]

Yeah, they don't. Check my schedule.

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[B]

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[C]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[A]

You think it's to get you.

[C]

There's a conspiracy those country people that.

[A]

The country people are after Ian back. I would not fight that. I think you might be honest. Are you excited about the Toronto Blue Jays? Yeah.

[C]

Nothing but a bad guy. Nothing gets me excited about more than a game.

[A]

You love the BJ.

[C]

Oh my. I love the BJ's. Oh, Toronto BJ's are bad. Toronto. Shy the whole time you do it and I. Baseball's boring to me.

[A]

You don't like baseball?

[C]

No, it's. It's a game where they make you stand up.

[A]

What?

[C]

It's such a boring game. They make you stand up almost halfway through the game. It's like everybody get up so you don't get deep vein thrombosis. That's how boring it is. Because they know nobody's gonna have. Every so often a girl's flaunt fall out of her top. A girl wear a tube top to a baseball game. And the announcer, take a look at the right field, there's a lucky fan.

[A]

Is that right? I watched a lot of baseball. I don't remember that. He's good. I like him.

[C]

This game is so boring. I'm gonna scan the.

[A]

Take a look at that. Yeah, I know I gotta watch baseball with you because I'm.

[C]

You gotta come over. I think I should come over. Come on over. Not this weekend.

[A]

No, no.

[C]

It's gonna be bad.

[A]

That's gonna be terrible. Too many marches.

[C]

You're just gonna sit in your house and complain. I was gonna go see boobies with you.

[A]

You're never gonna watch boobs in the crowd. But so many marchers.

[C]

It's Halloween. We call them boobies right now.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Do you have kids?

[A]

I don't even know.

[C]

No, you can't breed this.

[A]

Yes, that's what I like. You didn't ever want them.

[C]

End of the line.

[A]

Wife never want them.

[C]

Good.

[A]

Never had a dispute over this.

[C]

My wife works with children. Oh, so she def. Was, she was like, I'm good. Yeah. And she's, she's an occupational therapist. So she's, she sees interesting clients. Goofy.

[A]

The goofy.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's the funnest of the fun. I call them.

[A]

The best.

[C]

And the mathematicians.

[A]

Oh, good. I like that.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But you never wanted them either.

[C]

I, I, I, this is serious again.

[A]

No, it's not. You can make fun of kids.

[C]

I'll tell you why I didn't want kids. My father, who's still around. My, my mom is not father was a fantastic father.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And everybody's like, well, you're a comedian. You must have come from a horrible family. No, I had a great family. My mom had a bad growing up, so I got her sense of humor.

[A]

Right.

[C]

But I just didn't feel like doing. Chasing my dream was good. For having killed.

[A]

Killed having killed children.

[C]

No, but for having kilts. For having kids. Like, I just didn't feel like I was. If I was running off running, you know, it's a very self centered.

[A]

You recognized your selfishness and said kids shouldn't be part of this. I'm way too into Ian bag.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Because my dad didn't take other jobs out of town because, you know, he wanted to be there for us as kids.

[A]

He sacrificed.

[C]

And I'm like, I'm going to Tempe. I'm graduating from high school, but I go to Tempe. I gotta go do comedy where that school is with the girls running in Boulder.

[A]

And those come out of those.

[C]

I gotta go.

[A]

I like that.

[C]

I gotta go find your new mom down in Tempe.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

My goodness.

[A]

Those are the kids who were my.

[C]

Hookers in my hotel.

[A]

Is that right?

[C]

I was just wonder. Like, just. I was just looking while I was waiting for the car this morning and some interesting ladies were leaving to come to the radio at the same time. I was like, there might have been some sort of shift change. They're downstairs right now.

[A]

No kidding. Well, the improv's putting you up in.

[C]

The finest place, but it is a nice hotel.

[A]

It's a nice hotel. Filled with hookers.

[C]

Filled with hookers. And don't get mad that I know they're called ladies of the night, but it was morning. Yeah, it was morning. I'm like. I had never seen them. I just thought they just went back to bed.

[A]

I thought they were nocturnal. I've never seen one in the daytime.

[C]

No, they're fine. They're not as. It's not as exciting in the daytime.

[A]

Breakfast hookers.

[C]

They're like, oh, oh, oh. Somebody. She's not doing a walk of shame.

[A]

I don't like the old ham and egg hooker. You know, I like a steak and potato hooker. I like a nighttime hooker.

[C]

I. I don't know. What if. If you describe it? Like, that one sounds a little thicker.

[A]

That is true. Well, maybe that's why I like the.

[C]

Steak and potato girl.

[A]

Yeah. I don't. Yeah, I don't want my breakfast. They don't call them ladies of the morning. You're not starting your day with a prostitute.

[C]

You know what they call them Ladies. And sometimes people get tricked, and they're not. Anyways, let's move on.

[A]

Ian Bags at the Tempe Improv tonight and tomorrow.

[C]

I like my women like. I like my eggs over and easy.

[A]

Crack them in half and pour them all over the bed.

[C]

SCRA.

[A]

Championprov.com is where you go see Ian Bag.

[C]

I like a hollandaise sauce.

[A]

I'll poach them. I'll make it myself.

[C]

I don't care. I know it's mostly butter.

[A]

Oh, my God. What else goes on in your world that you want to talk about? Well, I don't want to offend you anymore.

[C]

Getting a fence done on my house.

[A]

You have an offense finished.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Just, you know.

[A]

You know what was going on. You're putting up a fence?

[C]

Well, no, I'm replacing a fence. Right, okay. Yeah. And then.

[A]

Too many Mexicans.

[C]

No, I had one putting up a wal. I'm putting up a wall. This Canadian.

[A]

No need to mix with anybody else.

[C]

So I had a fence, and I had this one guy come over, and he said, that'll be $52,000 for a fence?

[A]

What?

[C]

Yeah. And I said, like, what? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I must have had his buddy come over, and he's like, $51,000.

[A]

That was the second quote.

[C]

And I was like, oh, it looks like we're selling this house and not getting fence. Right. Anyways, it's Gonna cost me $14,000. How'd you do that? I got another guy to come over. He goes, oh, yeah, that's simple. Just do this and do that. And I'm like, oh, I want a design. Well, it's gonna be 2,000 thousand more. I'm like, hey, I just gave him a hug, and you just made me so happy.

[A]

So this cheap guy's gonna. How much fence are you putting in?

[C]

Oh, acreage, Couple of miles. Yeah, well, Arizona to New Mexico. $14,000. I'm getting it done. Hello.

[A]

That's a great get.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And what are you keeping in or my dogs? Just your dogs.

[C]

My dogs got a French bulldog and a pity. Yes. And they will run out to talk to everybody, and my wife gets mad.

[A]

So what's wrong with the current fence?

[C]

You know, it's got a lot of rot, and it's falling down.

[A]

Oh, it's a wooden.

[C]

Yeah, it's a wooden. I'm going wood again.

[A]

Oh, are you?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You like a strong wood?

[C]

I'll show you afterwards.

[A]

Yeah, I want to see your wood.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, afterwards.

[A]

So you're gonna fence.

[C]

Stand up. Look over. I'm gonna show you my fence. I'm gonna show you.

[A]

Look at it. That's one of the boards he's expecting.

[B]

That's good.

[C]

I've been whittling that a while.

[A]

That'll keep the neighbors away.

[C]

That'll get the neighbors over.

[A]

I believe that's what you do with a backyard anal exam, is what you were talking about earlier. You have to have a fence like that.

[C]

I never even thought about it as an anal exam. I always thought it Was an annual will. I'm not good with spelling.

[A]

No, you came into the wrong thing. Yeah, that's not a deal either.

[C]

I'm going to the Now Kings parade.

[A]

Now Kings. It's everybody. It's an election. Ian bags at the 10pm Prov tonight. Tomorrow. 10pm Prov tonight?

[C]

Tomorrow.

[A]

What were you like as a kid?

[C]

You're just like the studious. No.

[A]

Were you ever get through a class last day without getting kicked out of something?

[C]

I remember I was in the fourth grade and I made Shannon Butler laugh and I was like, this is fantastic. Then I spent the rest of the year trying to make her laugh.

[A]

Was she hot?

[C]

Oh, Shannon. Oh, Ms. Butler.

[A]

She's the one that got away.

[C]

I grew up in the middle of nowhere in Canada. It was like three good looking girls. Shannon was one of them. She did not get away.

[A]

She got her.

[C]

She. No, she had the choice of anybody. Like I know I had no chance of what way. That's. I. I was the guy that made her giggle. I wasn't the guy that was making her giggle. Yeah. So.

[A]

Yeah. When. When did that happen? How did Ian Bag start to become a man?

[C]

When I went fourth.

[A]

No, no, you didn't bang anybody in the fourth grade. When did Ian find the way?

[C]

Terrible story. Yeah. I'm in Australia.

[A]

No kidding.

[C]

17 years old. My. My cousin Tyrone.

[A]

Oh, I don't like this at all.

[C]

Tyron, as I call him, he kept coming, having girls come over to the house. We all stayed at my grandfather's house. And I said, hey, where do you get those girls? I go, they're hookers. You want to meet one? That's how I lost my turn to an Australian hooker. Yeah, it was fantastic.

[A]

Sounds great.

[C]

I think my cousin paid for it and everything. It's one of those things.

[A]

What were you doing in Australia? Besides that?

[C]

It was in my family.

[A]

Oh, your family?

[C]

I stayed. I graduated high school and then I went for a year to Australia.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Figure out what I was going to.

[A]

Be and so you went through high school in that small Canadian town? Yeah. No luck? No, nothing with the ladies. You were just a funny.

[C]

Not a closer.

[A]

Yeah, not a closer at all.

[C]

I was an opener. Opener.

[A]

She was the closer.

[C]

And everybody else was closing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I was just like. I was that guy that just says Heidi on a car lot.

[A]

The greeter. Yeah.

[C]

And you meet the sales guys. I was like, that's a nice car, huh? And then a guy just pushes me out of the way. I'll finish this kid.

[A]

And so then you go to Australia and The prostitute. And then the next time after that.

[C]

Did you think probably about four years later. Probably took me another four years. 22, 23. Well, they just want to.

[A]

Yeah. Prostitute.

[C]

Yeah. You leave me alone. You leave me alone. Because I was a late bloomer.

[A]

Restraining orders in Australia are two and a half years. They got back together.

[C]

Well, it's Australia though. They just send you to New Zealand. You can't get to them anyways.

[A]

Would you ever live in Australia? I loved it there.

[C]

I thought it's fantastic.

[A]

My favorite place is in all of the.

[C]

It is good. I don't. I don't like the toilet situation there.

[A]

Why? Cuz it goes the wrong way.

[C]

Poop.

[A]

Well, while I'm in Australia, tell me why the squirrel.

[C]

There's toilets are a little high, a little weird. And I. I know. Just never had a good movement. You didn't.

[A]

You couldn't get a good quality movement.

[C]

Couldn't, just couldn't, you know, just get back to America and let me tell.

[A]

You, let me have a good toilet. 15 days in Australia and I pooped once.

[C]

That's what I'm saying.

[A]

But it wasn't because Australia.

[C]

It must have been huge.

[A]

It was pretty nice. I don't go anywhere.

[C]

It kills you in this country. You're just looking at it.

[B]

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[C]

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[A]

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[C]

Let'S make you the legend you were always meant to be. Holmberg's Mornings sickness.

[A]

It's a brown Snake in there.

[C]

Yeah. Don't want the brown.

[A]

It was a. It was a weird experience there because I didn't have to. I don't know why that is.

[C]

That's what I'm saying. I. I'm one of those guys, you know, If I'm not going once a day, I think something's going on.

[A]

Is that right?

[C]

Yeah, I'm like panic stricken.

[A]

Oh, God. No kidding.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You get nervous if it's not that. The function.

[C]

Yeah. The plumbing's got to work. How do a lot of. How do a lot of places. How do they. How to. How do you. Countries and. And. And things fall apart? Plumbing, if there, you gotta. You gotta pick up. You gotta pay attention.

[A]

That's true.

[C]

As the plumbing goes, that's when everything's bad.

[A]

If you've got good plumbing, you've probably got good leadership.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you go to Nashville. It smells like poop there. I'm very concerned about it.

[A]

Does it?

[C]

Have you ever been, you guys.

[A]

I've been there, but I don't remember the poop.

[C]

You haven't been on that one street. You're just like, oh, my.

[A]

Broad Street?

[C]

Yeah. No, Broadway.

[A]

Broadway. Broadway, Right. Broad Street's Philadelphia. Broadway.

[C]

Yeah. It's Broad street because there's nothing but girls and shorts and cowboys.

[A]

That's why they named it there. My, look at the brain.

[C]

Look at all these.

[A]

Let's go down to Broad Street.

[C]

Let's go down to Broad Street. Go down to Kid Rocks.

[A]

Yeah, Kid Rocks.

[C]

Karaoke and make your own dinners on.

[A]

The corner of Broad and Horse.

[C]

Broad, Horse. Hookers with massive shoulders.

[A]

Yeah. Nashville stinks now. I don't remember it ever.

[C]

Every time I've been there.

[A]

No kidding.

[C]

I'm always shocked and surprised.

[A]

What other cities. Scary. That their plumbing's going.

[C]

Definitely New York.

[A]

Oh, yeah. That's wild.

[C]

Definitely Philadelphia. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Philly's always kind of smelled though, those.

[C]

Old places at Baltimore for sure.

[A]

Oh, Baltimore, please don't get me started on that.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, that dub.

[A]

Oh, Baltimore would do better if they had poop air freshener because it smells like brackish water. Crab meat.

[C]

I thought you're gonna say they should put their plumbing above ground there, show people what's going on.

[A]

It would be called Beautify Baltimore if they had plumbing above this. That place is awful. Worse than the city. Worse than. There's Toledo, Ohio, Baltimore, Maryland, and Tucson, Arizona.

[C]

I think plumbing should be above ground and electrical should be below ground. Okay, Right.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Just to show people what's going on just to let them know this is what's coming out of you.

[A]

Yeah, but then you get all that and your house.

[C]

Yeah, like that still in a see through pipe, you weirdo.

[A]

So you want it to be in a tube.

[C]

Yeah. So just so people know, this is.

[A]

What, this is what's going on.

[C]

This is what freedom's all about right here.

[A]

This is what's keeping us clean.

[C]

That's the freedom right there.

[A]

That is kind of a real, like a reminder as you're walking down the street.

[C]

I think if we forget just how people just forget how amazing plumbing is.

[A]

Isn't it unbelievable all the things we take for granted.

[C]

I don't like the poop tube here.

[A]

Yeah, the poop tubes are filthy. And Philly. Yeah, you're right, though. We don't take any. We don't take anything for what it is and how valuable it is in our lives. It's underground and it's forgotten.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, it's. It's amazing when I do a show and somebody goes, I'm a plumber. And people laugh and I'm just like, he's the most important guy in here. You're having. You're having a Christmas dinner, you got a bunch of friends, you got some bad pipes and got some old clay pipes, and a tree's getting in there. Suddenly it's blocking everything up and everything goes sideways. At your big family Christmas dinner, who's going to leave their family, come over and fix your place? That's a hero right there.

[A]

That's exactly right.

[C]

He just says, family, I'll be back in a while. I'm going to shower. When I get back and I'm have dinner.

[A]

Is he announcing baseball games too?

[C]

I'm like, oh, my. By the way, that Brockmire show, do you watch it?

[A]

Oh, I love Brockmire.

[C]

I just rewatch it every so often because it is so stupid.

[A]

The very first episode, Shameless. Oh, Shameless. And Brockmire is like, that is like a dark person's favorite weekend. Brockmire's first episode. If you're not hooked on the first episode, you're not gonna.

[C]

Yeah, you gotta Damn Honda.

[A]

My wife. Yeah. Oh, my God. It starts when he goes off Brockmire.

[C]

You know what's great about that? We recently we moved. That's why I'm getting a new fence. And we moved into a new house. And the other night we're walk across the street there and we hadn't met the people diagonal from there and they go, oh, do you guys live There. Yeah, we do. Oh, my goodness. I watch your tv. That's what she said. You guys had all. You guys had all your trees trimmed. And I can see through my house. I can see through your.

[A]

She's watching your TV from her house.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So all that's going through my head is, what are we watching? Right? And we watch Shameless. I leave Shameless on for the dogs, right? So there's nothing but coke being done.

[A]

Hillbillies like, well, that's why she. She's watching. Maybe she's deprived. You gotta get over the house.

[C]

I said, we watch. We watch Shameless a lot. I apologize. She goes, oh, I love it. Oh, I watch. I watch the. The House of Old People. Girls, whatever.

[B]

Golden Girls.

[C]

What's. What's. What's that something. Wives.

[A]

Housewives of. Housewives. Yeah, Housewives of Atlanta or whatever.

[C]

She watches that and she goes, I feel terrible about it. It's so stupid. I can't get enough. And I'm like, huh?

[A]

Yeah. Well, turn your head in your house.

[C]

And watch your own tv.

[A]

You should walk around naked once.

[C]

I do.

[A]

Do you?

[C]

Yeah, not once.

[A]

Just constantly.

[C]

A lot. My wife is always yelling at me. She's like, hey, the curtains are up. People are gonna see it. I'm like, they should be looking at my window.

[A]

You know what you should do? This would be fun. Have the windows wide open. And you know when Gladys across the street's watching and just have a Home Depot bucket and you're naked and you turn on Shameless and you just sit on the bucket for a little while naked, and then you get up and look in it and shake your head and walk away. Did you see if she ever. I saw you with the bucket, Ian.

[C]

I see. I see you guys pooping a bucket.

[A]

I saw you pooping. Is your plumbing bat. I know a guy.

[C]

Are you entertained?

[A]

And you just close the curtain.

[C]

Just the ring.

[A]

Just the ring on your butt cheeks, Ian. Bags at the time.

[C]

Are you guys bidet guys?

[A]

Oh, I love bidets.

[C]

I'm getting.

[A]

I'm getting a new Japanese toilet. I'm getting that thing put in here pretty soon.

[C]

And that's. It's got life on it.

[A]

Yeah, well, I've already got a good price. I've already paid for.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got good.

[A]

It's got.

[B]

It's in the mail.

[C]

That's why you should be at that parade, because. Because of the chair.

[A]

You guys should see this. It is unreal. And it sings to you, and it lights up, and it's.

[C]

What language does it Sing it to.

[A]

You whatever you want.

[C]

It can Japanese.

[A]

You can do Japanese. It can sing to you as anything you want. I don't know. It praises you.

[C]

What's up? It doesn't praise you.

[A]

Why do you put this in me? Yeah, it's. But I don't know what it is. Beautiful, comfortable. I want that feature.

[C]

Can you. Can you make.

[A]

Can you.

[C]

Can you actually put noises into it?

[A]

I'm gonna try now. I hope so.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I make it a sound effects machine.

[C]

I put the thing on my phone. I. I put the thing on my phone. I can put it on. See if this is a plug in. See if it would.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

See if it does it. Oh, yes.

[A]

Sleek, sleek power.

[C]

When it plugs in. That's what it said. My phone says you just plug the thing in to charge it, and it doesn't matter where you are.

[A]

Ah, yes.

[C]

That's sweet, sweet power. I love that.

[A]

I want my toilet to choke. I want to.

[C]

Not what I was expecting.

[A]

Ian, it's always a pleasure.

[C]

Are you kicking me out?

[A]

You got to go. It's time to go. But before you do, change the world.

[C]

I want to stay. No.

[A]

Give us words of wisdom.

[C]

You're out.

[A]

You're done. We're done? Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

We got to get rid of you.

[C]

Was it something I said?

[A]

Yeah, it was a lot.

[C]

It was a lot. And also, I started charging my phone. I hear you're like, okay, he's got to go. He's taking our sweet, sweet power.

[A]

He's sucking up all the juice. We got ice in the parking lot, and it's time for you. Change the world. Give us something that changes the planet for the better or worse.

[C]

Okay, here's what it is. Just. Just. Just come out to my show.

[A]

That's it. Just. Just buy tickets.

[C]

No, no, no. Make I that guy. There's a guy, a basketball coach that died of cancer many, many years ago, and they do a fundraiser for him every year, and I can't remember his name.

[A]

Jim Valvano.

[C]

Yeah. So, Jimmy V. Jimmy V. Laugh, cry, think. Every day, right?

[A]

Listen to that.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. You got.

[A]

If.

[C]

You know, if you. If you're. If you don't cry at least once a week, there's something wrong with you.

[A]

It's true. If you don't cry once a week, there's something wrong.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. Gotta cry. I don't cry a lot. I think once a week's fine.

[A]

You cry once a week? Yeah. Just for fun.

[C]

What was the last.

[A]

What was the. The last thing that got You.

[C]

The other day, I cried because I was. I was scared that I was. I was forgetting my mom.

[A]

Ah.

[C]

You know.

[A]

Is that right? Yeah.

[C]

I was just like. Because I. I'm not used to death.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And my mom died in. In. In February.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And I just. I was just, like. I had a week where I didn't think about her. I was just like, God, I'm forgetting about my mom. Yeah. It's so quick. I don't want it to. I don't want it to.

[A]

And started to make you cry.

[C]

You're making me cry. And then. And then. And then it's like, I'm not forgetting my mom. I just. I forgot. I didn't forget my mom. Right. So it worked. Makes you think. And then for the rest of my life, I'm just goofy as.

[A]

That's all right.

[C]

You're good.

[A]

You went all the way through it without cussing, and then at the end, you went all Canadian.

[C]

Oh, man. Ice people are like, oh, no. Oh, no. That's. I believe that's.

[A]

That's an FCC violation. Ian, I think you have to go home.

[C]

You guys want me to leave? I'll leave. I just broke that. And I said the S word.

[A]

Ian Beck. Thank you, as always.

[C]

Do you think that was bleak?

[A]

No, you're good. We're good. We're fine.

[C]

You're allowed to say that.

[A]

No, but look, Brady will pay the fine. Good.

[C]

Yeah. How. What's the fine?

[A]

275,000.

[C]

Okay, we're going to need to have a fundraise.

[A]

We got to have a march.

[C]

It's $14,000.

[B]

One fence.

[A]

Yeah, it's one fence for a backyard is what it.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

Thank you, Ian. Always a pleasure.

[C]

I ruined it by swearing.

[A]

It's back.

[C]

Arizona's most powerful rocket institution.

[A]

It's out of control now. 88K.